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#i just have to do what's best for my own anxiety is all
yan-lorkai · 2 days
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"Hello Lorkai! I've got an idea for a headcanon and would like to request it!
Yan!Idia (maybe with platonic Yan!Ortho too if you like) with an extroverted male reader who somehow gets placed in Ignihyde Dorm by the dark mirror (students from other dorms like to joking about the dark mirror putting him in the wrong dorm or something). The reader kinda becomes the mom friend of the dorm, always helping and taking care of everyone, assisting Idia with his Housewarden's work, you know, like the friend who orders food for their shy friends. Thank you very much <3
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.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ A/N: Uh... I've might misread the fact that you wanted headcanons. And so I did hcs and a few little drabble 🥺.
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.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ You are Ignyhide's mom figure, fixing everyone's hair and shirt. Everyone know that whoever is sorted into this dorm is somewhat of an introvert or ambivert. You, though, is an extrovert. You can talk freely, you know how to make friends and enjoy helping others around the campus. Yet, the others don't have this same capacity. And they need someone to take care of them, whence the title of mom, which was just a joke but slowly spread thought Ignyhide completely.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Idia was the most difficult person for you to get closer. He just seems to push away anyone that tried without even realizing but you persisted till you make friends with his brother and him. Taking care of Idia though... Sure, it's difficult sometimes.
"Let's go, Idiiiiiiia!” You tried to pull the antisocial Ignyhide dorm leader out of his bed, wanting to take him outside to sunbathe and eat in the canteen. You've been trying for a while now. Sometimes Idia was a lot like a younger brother to you. Stubborn, obstinate. His hair burning bright in a frightful color as you pulled him and he pushed you.
"Do you hate me, Yuu-shi? I didn't do anything wrong." Idia threw himself to the ground, a scream of pure terror escaping his throat as he struggled against you.
"Listen, either you walk out that door of your own free will or I'm going to throw you over my shoulders and we're going to leave the same way." You threatened him. You had tried every tactic you had on your sleeve today and still none of them were working. Regardless, he felt light enough for you to carry around.
"Yuu-shi wouldn't dare." Idia murmured back, he tried to sound confident and sure of what he is saying.
Yet he didn't stop you from pulling him to his feet this time, even though his legs were visibly tense and he had an annoying expression on his face. Idia knew that you meant what you said. And he wouldn't survive a day if someone saw you carrying him around. His shame would be too big to bear. He would be dead by the end of the night if that was to happen.
He gave you the best puppy dog eyes he could muster, but it was of little use. You opened the door for him and offered him a soft smile, trying to ease all the fear and anxiety he felt. Still, you had good intentions when trying to bring him out of his shell. There was tons of people you want him to meet, tons of things you wanted to do with him, outside from his room where you usually spent your free time. Without talking with him through a floating tablet.
You were working to make him realize that it was not healthy to stay cupped inside of his room all day. It was a slow process but in a few months, you know he'll be fine making phone calls and sending emails.
"C'mon, dude. We don't have all day." You teased him a little, watching him fumbling. He squeaked, hands founding yours to hold, to ground him, cold finger lacing with yours.
Idia didn't like this idea at all. There was so much that he could do at his room. Gaming, bing watching something, reading, studying. So why he have to abandon the comfort of his room?
He wanted to ask your intentions. But you are a mischievous guy, always so secretive, only the sevens may know what passed through your mind this week. Either way, Idia doubt that you would tell him where you're going or why. Sighed, he followed you outside.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ No matter how difficult he was, Idia was still your best friend. Your brother, if you will. Nobody could see one without the other nearby, even if most of the time it was just you and his floating tablet. It was a sweet friendship, most thought. And Idia deserved it. As did Ortho, the young robot was so funny to have around and he was as curious as a child, always asking you questions, even if he could have his answers with a snap of his fingers.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ While you make friends with Idia because you noticed how lonely he was, Ortho just latched onto you when he realized what you were trying to do, helping you in your mission to be Idia's friend. He was like a younger sibling, following you around, sometimes messing with your homework or phone for fun. He was mischievous. And you could never get angry at him because of his very cute puppy eyes. Often times, though, he includes you on his pranks.
"How things going, Yuu-shi?" Idia asked, voice tired and dark circles under his eyes as he stared at his computer. He knew it was you just by the sounds of your footsteps on the carpet.
Ortho programs are special, designed by Idia himself. They are not supposed to malfunction but sometimes errors happen and this is one of those times. Idia told you he would pull an all nighter so he could fix his brother and you, like the good friend you are, scold him for losing sleep. Yet, you brought with you some snacks and soft drinks, and you got to work with him.
The panel located on Ortho's chest glowed red, emitting a high-pitched sound that broke any and all silence that might exist, in addition to Idia's heavy breathing. You knew how to fix Ortho, you'd seen him do it a thousand times.
"I don't think that it's a systemic error, pass me the screwdriver so I can see something, Idia." Idia mumbled something, drinking one of your drinks as he lent you a screwdriver so you could taste your theory before turning back to his computer and start typing something again, running another bunch of tests.
"Be careful!" He advised. You huffed, of course, you were going to be careful.
You slowly began to unscrew the nails holding the panel in place, carefully placing it on the bed next to you. You observed all those wires and pieces, the fire on his chest burning even brighter now, you tried to remember for what which wire was for. Ignyhide was after all known to raise students to be the best in mechanics.
"Actually everything's normal," You murmured to Idia, there was nothing wrong with Ortho that you could see. Red light still emanating from somewhere below his artificial heart. "C'mere and help me, Idiaaa."
The older Shroud laughed at your tone but he complied, crouching down by your side. "Let's see..." Just as Idia reached out to inspect Ortho’s chest panel, the younger Shroud's eyes suddenly lit up, glowing a vivid yellow.
His previously limp body jerked upright and his voice, eerily robotic, boomed through the room: "Error 375, host unable to respond, initiating reboot sequence."
Idia yelped and practically jumped out of his skin, scrambling backward in a flurry of blue flames, his ears hurting from loud Ortho's announcement was. "W-what, error 375, what even is that? Ortho? What did you do?" He stammered, looking between you and Ortho in sheer disbelief, lost.
Then, just as suddenly, Ortho broke into his usual chipper grin. "Just kidding, Nii-san!" The younger Shroud chirped, a playful glint in his eyes. "Got you!"
Idia’s expression was a mix of shock and exasperation, his face and hair bright red from embarrassment. "You little—!"
Ortho giggled innocently, while you couldn’t help but burst into laughter. The prank had been a success.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ Aside from moments like that, you also help them with simple things, helping Idia with his dorm leader's duties in general, and playing with Ortho, helping them with laundry and making breakfast. And when you three go out to buy things or something, you always team up with Ortho to tease Idia. It's funny.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ You and Ortho incentives Idia to be more sociable, though that's still not possible so often you three just spend time on the gardens or somewhere more secluded. At least, Idia can leave his room if you and his brother are by his side the entire time. He still have a long way to go to overcome his shyness but you're proud of him and you let him know at every opportunity.
.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ It's common for you for you to order for you and Idia but if you're tired or unwell, Idia will crawl from his shell and stutter out your favorite order. It's the only time he'll try for real to overcome his fear of talking to other people.
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eddis-not-eeddis · 2 days
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How To Stop Killing Conversations
Talking is hard. People are confusing. Making friends is difficult, and interacting with coworkers is tortuous.
You want to make friends, you want to reach out, but it's hard and every time you start a conversation it dies, or limps along until both you and the person you're talking to are looking for excuses to kill it and put it out of it's misery so you can both escape the increasingly awkward situation.
As an introvert who has suffered a lot of social anxiety in my time, let me share a few tricks I've learned over the years going through hundreds and thousands of excruciatingly painful conversations until I found something that works. I've kind of distilled the process.
ALWAYS ASK A QUESTION!!!
The first thing is to always leave your partner an opening. You need to let each other talk for a conversation to get off the ground, but it's more than that, really. You need to actively encourage each other to talk. The best way to do that is to ask questions.
Here are two examples of an introduction: Example A
You: Hello.
Them: Hello.
You: Nice to meet you.
Them: Nice to meet you too.
Example B
Y: Hello, nice to meet you, how are you? T: I’m doing well, yourself?
Y: I've been really well. How are you liking the weather?
T: I'm so happy the weather's finally getting cooler, I'm looking forward to pumpkin spice season. Do you like lattes?
Do you see how in Example A the conversation wasn’t going anywhere? It just kinda died, because there weren’t any openings for new topics, whereas in Example B, there were openings to keep the conversation going.
But what do you do if your conversation partner is as socially inept as you were two minutes ago and doesn't play along? All is not lost.
Example C
Y: Hello, so nice to meet you, how have you been doing?
T: I'm doing well.
Y: That's great, are you enjoying the nice weather, then?
T: Yeah. I'm glad it's finally fall, I'm looking forward to pumpkin spice lattes.
Y: I love pumpkin spice lattes! Pumpkin spice anything, really. I recently got the best pumpkin spice candle at the shop down the road, have you been there?
Even if they don't leave you an opening, you can usually make one. It may be difficult, especially when they don't give you much to work with. This is where having a go-to script is a life-saver--me, I always default to talking about the weather, so when in doubt, you can do that.* The important thing right now is to keep fostering the conversation, so once you bring up the weather, segue into a question. When they answer the question, make a brief comment or observation from your own experience and build off of that comment or observation to ask another question.
"But I don't want to make it about me. Doing that's bad, right?"
This is why that questions are important. If you haven't been asked a question, you kinda have to make it about you, you don't have a choice. But to keep from being an attention hog, follow up your shared experience or anecdote with another question.
Example D
T: I love pumpkin spice lattes
Y: Me too. I had the best pumpkin spice latte the other day at the cafe down the road, have you ever been there?
Now you've circled the conversation back around to them again, and you aren't taking the limelight. Sharing an experience is so important, you're trying to show that you understand, that you sympathize, that you relate.**
This really is the most important element of being a good conversationalist. You have to keep asking questions.
The one other thing I will touch on is introductions. DO NOT get into turn based combat.
Example E
Y: Hello
T: Hello
Y: Nice to meet you
T: Nice to meet you too.
Y: How are you doing?
T: I'm fine. You?
Y: Me too.
This will kill any possibility of continuing a conversation. Instead, get it all out of the way all at once, if at all possible.
Example F
Y: Hi, it's nice to meet you, how are you doing?
This is good, but this is better
Example G
Y: Hi, nice to meet you, how are you liking the weather?
Don't ask how they are doing, or if you do, before they can answer, follow it up with your placeholder (weather etc.) so they have to say some thing like
Example H
T: I'm fine, and I'm really liking the weather.
or
T: Not so great, the weather sucks.
Either of those options are much easier to work with than your basic "I'm fine."
Usually, if you can get past the introduction, you can get a conversation going. And then, even if you don't end up hitting it off with the person you're talking with, you at least don't leave the conversation feeling like you've died a thousand tiny deaths.
In fact, if you get past that introduction, you may have just made yourself a friend.
Remember folks, basically everyone around you is more afraid of you than you are of them, and in this benighted age no one has been taught conversation skills, so we are all pretty much in the same boat. (Unless you were born an extrovert, in which case we are all deeply envious and would probably kill you if we didn't need you in our sad and lonely lives so much.)
Have grace for one another, and for yourselves because talking with people is difficult.
Go forth, and stop killing conversations.
*If you are one of those awful people who likes to brag about how you hate small talk and only want to talk about important and meaningful things, I have one question: Do you ever have a conversation that lasts long enough to become meaningful? I thought not. Small talk is an important skill. Develop it.
**This is how you deal with sad or difficult situations too. When you want to show you sympathize with someone going through a hard time.
Example:
Y: How are you doing?
T: Not very well. My dog died last week.
Y: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. My own dog died last year and I still miss her a lot. How are you handling it?
Now you've circled the conversation back around to them again. You aren't making it about you.
If y'all want, next time I can share how to extricate yourself from a conversation.
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dira333 · 17 hours
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Wanna go out? - Tamaki Amajiki x Reader
Featuring Kirishima as the best wingman ever.
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“You’d probably be more successful if you didn’t already expect the worst,” Eijirou points out from the kitchen.
“I know, I just…” you helplessly shrug. “I know my success rate, is all.”
“You’re not a firm trying to sell a product, you’re a beautiful, fun and kind person trying to find a partner.”
“And how well that has gone,” you joke but without much humor.
“Stop it,” he commands, setting your coffee down in front of you. “And tell me, is there anyone you found nice last night?”
You think back. 
It had been such a nice gesture from Eijirou to bring you with him, especially considering he technically had a date - Mina. 
All the faces and names you’ve learned dance in front of your eyes, but if you’re being honest, there’s only one person who stood out to you.
You hide behind your coffee cup, but it’s too late. You didn’t grow up alongside Eijirou for nothing, it seems.
“Spit it out,” he grins, his eyes full of hope. Oh, if only you could go on without disappointing him.
“Tamaki,” you admit finally, swallowing your nerves.
Eijirou beams up at you. “Really? That’s amazing. He’s an awesome guy!”
“Sure, sure,” you nod, swallowing and swallowing. “But you know, I’m me, so…”
Eijirou’s face falls. “What? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know what I mean. I can’t remember if I ever had a second date. You know my flaws and-”
“Tamaki is a really great guy,” Eijirou points out, emphasizing the word “great”.
You nod, your heart already sinking. “I got that. Which is exactly why that’s not going to happen.”
“Come on!” Eijirou whines. “You know he’s a little shy, but he’s nice. Why don’t you send him a text? Just ask to do something like yesterday again, hang out a little, chat over stuff. I’m sure he won’t say no.”
“And then?”
“And then you find out if you two are compatible. Or if you prefer staying friends. Don’t expect too much at first, he’s shy, remember?”
You take a deep breath, pick up your phone and stare at the screen. Could it really be so simple?
Eijirou himself is checking his own messages, smiling as he answers one.
Stealing yourself against the inevitable rejection you type a quick message, your thumb hovering over the send button.
“What do you have to lose?” Eijirou asks as if knowing what you’re about to do. 
And he’s right. You’ve been rejected enough times to know how to deal with it by know.
Seconds later, your eyes still on the screen, a little shocked about your own bravery, the blue checkmarks appear. He’s seen it. 
You slam your phone down, overcome with anxiety. If he answers, you don’t want to see it. At least not until you’ve calmed down a little.
“Oh,” Eijirou breathes out with a laugh. “Tamaki’s calling.”
“I need to pee,” you yelp, getting out there as fast as you can.
You don’t know yet that when you return, the first of many messages will wait in your inbox.
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femmedionysus · 1 day
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I got married yesterday!
I was honestly a little nervous about having a Wedding TM just bc I get big anxiety about having emotions in front of other people, but it was just the best day - plenty of things went wrong or not as planned but we had so much fun, & also literally every guest we’ve talked to since then has said how much they loved it & what a good time they had! so if you are getting married my advice is
do the things you & your partner actually want to do (first dance lessons! made up our own unity ceremony from a poem we both like a lot! flower crowns for me & my wife!)
fuck the things you or your partner don’t want to do (no scripture/bible stuff in our ceremony, no garter toss bc I don’t want my wife going up my skirt in front of all our family & friends thanks)
have fun with planning your wedding but also remember that even if literally everything else goes wrong on the day of, you still get to end the day married to your best friend!!
the only people whose opinions on your wedding matter at all are you & the person you’re marrying. other people Will have opinions & you can take those opinions into consideration if you want, but you also can completely ignore them & it will be fine I promise
also my wife is so handsome I’m exploding into heart-shaped confetti forever, we don’t have professional pics yet but enjoy a selfie & some candids 🥰💕
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I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy, I wanna bottle the whole day & send it back to sad closeted 12 year old me. like hey guess what, love & happiness are real & you get to have them!! survive! it is so worth it!
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faaun · 3 months
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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early-october-skies · 5 months
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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thetriangletattoo · 1 year
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Gonna be a while before I think I'll be drawing much beyond some planned doodles I said I'd do to a couple close friends, but... I'm curious, what FNaF AU drawings types from me sound more interesting..?
A random poll yes, but I'm curious, and ngl, I think I'm approaching one of those not so great "Spells" where I'm losing confidence in the things I'm well, supposed to be doing for fun. ^^;
#insomniac hyena rambles#fnaf: a wound left bleeding au#I'm still gonna do my best to finish AWLB#just having some anxiety/depression type feels again#not feeling confident cuz my brain likes to say if I'm not making “professional level” content I'm doing bad#+ Lost like. near all ability to work on OC type things without anxiety semi recently. so sorta. having a lot of anxiety over Stardrop and-#another OC-type character I had planned for part 2#sorry for rambling in the tags. still writing part 2 when I have time/motivation#around 160ish pages in now. so that's pretty nice I think#chapters are a lot longer than early part 1 chapters so far too. kinda neat#to any creatives out there. i know easier said than done#but please. do what you can not to let the world rip your confidence in your work away from you#dont rewire your characters and stories just to please others#(I mean this within reason though. this is the internet so I feel the need to clarify. if your work is genuinely made to be offensive. then#yea. reconsider.)#but generally speaking! if your story wasn't meant to have x themes/characters/etc#or a character or thing wasn't meant to go x-way or do x-thing. and you don't want them to. don't cave just cuz someone else out there want#it to be that way. don't sell your own ideas and thoughts short just to be a people pleaser#it wears you down a lot eventually and saps confidence#Idk im ramblin. point is! Enjoy what you do. if it makes you happy. then hold onto it! Goodness knows everyone needs those bits of happines#Uhhh I think that's all my tired morning thoughts lol#oh ! this isn't me saying yall cant still yeet ideas or theories or such at me!#just that unless I really like the idea. and can fit it into what I've already planned#chances are. im gonna try real hard not to cave and add it just cuz i was asked to#trying. real hard to stop being an overly people pleasing person. its caused me more harm than good in life I think#I can be nice without destroying myself lol
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dredshirtroberts · 8 months
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never doubt the power of the OBX Gender Euphoria Hoodie of Swagness: it doesn't eliminate the sensory issues i've got from the tape on the electrodes but it sure does make me feel less like i want to tear every inch of skin off 10/10 can recommend.
#i put it on and like 8 of the 7 different issues i was having were eliminated immediately#shhh don't look at the numbers it's fine don't worry about it#i'm actively going through an Anxiety Event so bad it made me take a knee when we got home which is yknow unusual#and considering i'm hooked up to a heart monitor today i really kind of need to not be having abnormal heart events actually#i mean i can but like i'm not like... i want it to be indicative of my Usual Daily Activities and i'm just not very active most days#because of the horrors mostly#i'm just not sure if i need to mark every time i'm Super Aware of my heartbeat or not because i don't know if i'm just always too aware#and it's just doing Normal Heart Things or if i'm having a thing and going ''oh yeah that's a normal heart thing i'm sure of it''#because i don't know the difference! this is very fun (: (smiely face flown upside down to show distress)#if the tape didn't itch so fuckin' bad i would probably forget i was wearing the thing#but alas my own personal hell where my skin is So Sensitive To This One Thing In Particular and it's in all the most sensitive places#for the first time ever though someone actually gave me advice on how to fix it#which is to wash the residual stickies off and then put on anti-itch cream like!!!!#if it works i'm gonna be so ecstatic cause i fuckin' cannot stand that sometimes the bandaid rash is worse than the initial thing#that i put the bandaid on for#anywa stay salty obx hoodie of gender is the best hoodie and i am so glad i spent tourist money for it#well worth the expense for what i'm getting out of the experience
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theiris1002 · 1 year
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A new picture of snoots take because I think it's been awhile since I posted one. He loves going under his water dish (it used to be snakeys but I rehomed him)
((I ended up venting in the tags about why I rahomed snakey))
#snakes#snake#snoot the hognose#my pets#i do miss snakey but i was the best thing in hindsight he was draining all of the energy i had for pet care#he only ever ate live consistently and i only got a car 3 days ago#and the only place that sells snake food for a good price is a 40 minute bus ride away#and my job put me on a opposite sleep scedule to him it got to the point where i would be geting ready for bed see him awake#and feel nothing but dread and then he wouldn't even eat so i stayied up for nothing#i got him to eat frozen for like 2 years but he would never eat it in the winter but then i moved him into a 4x2x2#because the tank snoot was in was agravating my anxiety and i figured upgradeing both of them was a good idea#but he only ever ate frozen twice in that take maybe 5 times total as i got him live so he wouldn't starve#i brought him to a localy owned reptile store and they said he looked healthy and they weren't woried about getting him to eat#i got snaky when i was 13 and had no idea what i was doing snoot kinda taught how nice it was to have a snake that would eat frozen thawed#right as i was becoming an adult that had to take more responsibility for my pets#all in all it was a good desition because i would not have had the energy to make snoots take as nice as it is now or get marcus at all let#let alone plan on makeing his life better#wow geez i just vented alot but the situation around snakey was complicated and emotional for me#and i did post a few picures a long time ago and i dont think i ever said what happed to him#also i blame petsmart for everything they told me the 13 year old that he was only eating live but not my mom#she apparently only found out when she looked at his paperwork he shouldn't have even been out where people could see him
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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
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been getting a lot more into Killing lately
#mine#vent post again hello. for the love of god#🎸#anyways um uhh uhhah uhagh i feel like violence is more apparent in my life#though it could def be due to the violent outburst i had the other day. just the aftermath of it ig#i have been feeling depressed and like i cant control my own life bc things are being withheld from me#hrgngh :( as usual. nothing is changing. i have to wait like this for a long ass time before it does.#oh right the point of this post: i keep feeling like my bf is mad at me even though there is literally nothing to signify that#he did not even say he was mad at me so why is my anxiety thru the roof HUH. well probably trauma#he said he would love me no matter what! but im still so worrieedddd :< i guess it wasnt a big thing to be mad about anyways so#i dont understand why he WOULD be mad about it. so unless he says he is mad/upset then he ISNT but my brain does not get this#there is NO reason for me not to trust him#also i have moved on from the 'why doesnt he message me first in the morning' fiasco which is good. i dont have an explanation as to why#i just am not mad about it anymore idk lol. well besides that my brain is feeling illogical things that i can recognize are illogical#but they still impact me :< its not fair at all... i could hypothetically construct reasoning why hes mad at me rn but im only hurting#myself this way. me moment. it was relatively innocent its not something to be MAD about he said hed love me for all my mistakes#so even if it was a problem he wouldnt stop loving me!!! do you understand brain? goodness...#HES LIKE. he is my beloved forever and i want to be holding him or touching him always. going to punch a wall idk#i just love him so much i dont want to mess up ever!!!!! god damn!! we are both depressed / have mental problems so we are doing our best#metaphorically smoking a joint with him rn i miss him. drugs are bad btw i would never do a weed. only in the metaphorical sense#i want us both to be less miserable so together we can be happy!! but why am i keeping him from doing things he likes...#but i want him to be happy?! but i want to spend time with him :( im gonna cry. WHAT AM I MAKING MYSELF UPSET FOR#he didnt even say he was mad at me i am just spinning this way out of proportion! ok!? he loves me forever#but yea i feel like my social filter for violence related things dissipated entirely. so i have been openly talking abt killing people#which is not good i am not going to do any of these things. my brain is too fond of them
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ciatana · 2 years
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i am going to pride tomorrow and im gonna have a good day with my friends!!!
#vent abt drm stuff ->#everyone is always very very. hasty and emotional with these things which is very understandable. but its very anxiety inducing#as somebody who really prefers to wait things out and have solid information before i form any concrete opinions#it all just depends on a bunch of stuff we dont know#im. not a drm main so this doesnt affect me as much as it affects some others#not engaging w his content wouldnt be that hard for me. sad but not super emotionally difficult#most annoying thing is i was gonna be him for halloween……… so that uh. might need to change lol#<- saying that in a strained half joking sort of tone; the way you joke when bad things happen type tone#but its just a waiting game for now as these things always are#i hope all my friends and mutuals are ok this stuff is always so exhausting#and if it ends up confirmed to be true that will be very very hard#but im not gonna worry about any of it tonight. im gonna Wait because thats the best thing i can do#and enjoy my personal life to the fullest in the meantime#im a wilburian and phil lover thats really all my blog ever needs to be about. a boober too#and as long as those three are chugging along being nice as they are then so will i!#if it ends up to be really really serious — like it seems it might be — i trust theyd do the right thing#they may be human about it and thats ok. itll be uncertain for awhile and thats to be expected#so you just gotta. be calm about it and allow the ccs their own time to handle it internally aswell#if it that ends up being what has to happen#so yeah. im like. fine to be honest. anxious but levelheaded. i dont need to invest myself in this#i keep feeling the urge to dig into it deeper but i just. dont need to do that. i dont need to torment and worry myself about stuff i dont-#-know. i feel like my personal life is way more important#so im just gonna. have fun in my real life. Touch Grass as the kids say#hope the people involved in this are doing fine#but i just gotta. draw a line yknow? im not gonna force myself to be more emotionally involved than i need to be#if i need to cut ties then when the time comes i will do it swiftly and quietly#just not worth the drama for me personally. if any of that makes sense#anyway ilysm mcytblr mutuals of all time following me on main
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lith-myathar · 2 years
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hobisexually · 2 years
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#You know what’s weird?#in a way I am more steady in myself than I have ever been. I see my worth rather than pretend I see my worth but actually don’t#I see where all my shit stems from in a way I never used to. I talk about it in a communicative way I was never able to before#like all of it is lining Up and somehow? I also feel worse?#I don’t know if it’s because I’m just more aware now and also more capable of changing my habits or whatever or if it’s just less repressed#but like. been having seasonal affective disorder since I was eight probably and even before but then you didn’t know#and I didn’t put the pieces together until. what. 2014? 2015? I didn’t know it had a name#and id always count it a good winter if I hadn’t disassociated at all. that was the goal.#now 2022 is over and the months where id disassociate are also over (it always gets easier for me come January)#and I made it through without disassociating! that’s a huge win right! right? but …..#and somehow it felt like? SUCH a rough winter? and I handled it well but everything feels so heavy#and I know it’s not worse than prior years. I do. but it doesn’t FEEL like that#perhaps that’s because of everhthing that happened in December and my falling out with my dad and my owning up to how deep my trauma runs#instead of passing it off as ‘haha yeah some things were rough and winter sucks BUT I AM SO CHIPPER AND GOOD AND UPBEAT HA!’#but honestly looking at it just. is a lot. and logistically I know I genuinely am the best version of myself currently#but 2014 me was funner thinner and wilder and she was also COMPLETELY unhinged and I know I shouldn’t want that version of me back#but I’m constantly comparing current me to her?????? as if she was the ultimate goal#I know when March comes and we’re back at the summer clock I’ll have forgotten how heavy I felt now#but whew…………….. whew it’s a lot#also completely being honest with yourself about jn how many areas your anxiety is Fucking debilitating sometimes#really sucks. it sucks. I feel so raw and vulnerable and I want to stop fixing things and just live#OH THAT TOO my roommate is Living It Up and I used to be able to keep up with her when we were in uni and now I can’t and that just#makes it feel even more like i regressed. I hate it. and again I Know myself now in a way I didn’t then and that’s worth so much#but ugh!!! ugh. and also I HATE that it feels like all I’ve done since November is complain but it’s been. Well. extraordinarily rough#I haven’t even told the internet any of it and even my friends know the minimum but. sigh. SIGH.#just sucks to see where your everything comes from. you know?
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starversed · 2 days
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the decision as to whether or not to make [huge life change] may be taken out of my hands bc there is an 90% chance we'll go on strike (as we should) (it just means I can't actually afford to live in this country anymore) (lmao)
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#gonna ramble in the tags because my brain sucks and if i put this in my own personal discord server im gonna see it all the time#so id rather throw it here and forget about it and have it drowned out by various fandom posts and other posts i simply find neat#existential anxiety is an absolute fucking bitch and i hate that it randomly haunts me often for no reason#i have however figured out that its exacerbated by stress and feeling a lack of control over my life#cause one day im gonna be old and close my eyes for the last time and thats it#i wont wake up in a new life and forget this one i wont be in a number of fictional universes i enjoy#i wont even wake up in an afterlife#hell even if there is on (i believe there is) i wont see it cause i have aphantasia#i see absolute sweet fuck all in my head! even my dreams tend to be kinda fuzzy and tunnel visioned!#im nearly 30 and as a kid i oculd never conceive of life beyond my teens and as a teen i couldnt imagine my 20s#and now im turning 29 this year ive temporarily moved halfway across the world to be with my fiance of 8 years in an attempt to make this#move permanent and... ive done nothing truly significant#i wanted to work in languages as a teen primarily because i loved hetalia at the time and it sparked my desire to truly understand history#and culture and communication and finally connect with people#it really should have been obvious to the career coach lady that i was autistic seriosuly how the fuck did it go unnoticed by everyone#except my mother and she didnt even support me properly!#youd think that this anxiety would propel me into doing the things i want to do which rn is photography#but nope! all it does is make me scared to sleep because what if thats the last time i close my eyes and i dont know it?!#so now im here occasionally publishing my silly tiktok videos#doing my best to not backhand mil or shake my fiance because they talk like a baby sometimes and that sets off various buttons with me#for reasons i havent fully figured out yet#i have so many friends and interests and the family i still speak to is lovely and supportive#though lets not get into nanny getting old and knowing that itll be time to say goodbye to her though hopefully not for another decade#but yeah. my brain sucks i cant afford to go back to therapy rn because im unemplyed#the job hunt sucks cause canadas job market is somehow worse than englands and i cant even get financial support here cause temp resident#and every so often my brain just throws this existential bullshit at me for no reason#im gonna go do the souless job search now#and set this to not be reblogged because frankly no one needs to be inflicted with this in their head
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