#he only ever ate live consistently and i only got a car 3 days ago

[theiris1002]

A new picture of snoots take because I think it's been awhile since I posted one. He loves going under his water dish (it used to be snakeys but I rehomed him)

((I ended up venting in the tags about why I rahomed snakey))

[bitterlikesweets]

Love Bites Ch 7

This is the seventh chapter of a modern/vampire AU ereri fanfic. You can also read it on Ao3. 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Next

There’s a typo in the first text that Eren sends to Levi. Determined to stop overthinking their interactions, Eren is quick with his fingers, typing out a brief message that only requires a quick glance at the screen.

That’s how ‘Be there in a sec’ became ‘Be there in a sex’. A slip of Eren’s finger ruined a perfectly good message.

Eren doesn’t notice until he’s buckling himself into his car and Levi responds.

'Don’t tell me that shit, kid.'

He spends the next few minutes trying to type out a response that doesn’t make him look like a complete fucking idiot, only to resign himself to the fact that there isn’t one. He explains that his finger slipped, but Levi doesn’t answer his text and Eren wants to chomp his stupid, clumsy fingers off.

When Eren gets to the restaurant, Levi is already waiting for him in the break room. He doesn’t say anything about the text as Eren quickly grabs a seat at the table, and Eren drinks in silence. He’s more than happy to pretend that it never happened.

When he feels Levi’s hands in his hair, he’s quick to pull away.

“I’ve got the night shift at an arcade bar,” he tells Levi, an answer to Levi’s raised eyebrow as he watches Eren hurriedly collect his things. “I’ve got to be there in half an hour.”

“Should we skip the lesson?” Levi asks.

“Unless you’ve got some quick advice, yeah.”

“Hmm,” Levi says, wiping his wrist with a napkin. “Lesson one for this week is proofread your texts.”

Eren splutters and aims a glare at Levi, who just stares at him as impassively as ever.

“Fuck you,” Eren says, and he marches out of the room before Levi has a chance to notice his blush.

Eren’s not sure if being pissed is any better than being embarrassed, but the annoyance does feel a bit closer to normal for him.

Lesson two takes place after Eren’s six o’clock statistics class. His warning text was safer this time—a simple ‘On my way.’ Levi is the one in a rush today; Isabel is off and he can’t leave Furlan being both a waiter and a chef for long. He talks while Eren drinks, and his hand is preemptively resting on the crown of Eren’s head, so Eren has to wait for the tug and pretend that Levi’s hand isn’t distracting him from properly listening to the man’s words.

Lesson two is about myths. Levi tells him not to worry about not appearing in mirrors and photos, but to be wary of any liquid claiming to be holy water.

“Can I turn into a bat?”

Levi scoffs.

“Maybe through reincarnation.”

The third day is more relaxed. Levi’s not rushing, and Eren has at least an hour until he needs to be at work, but Levi’s hand is still on his head from the start, and Eren suspects this is going to be part of their routine now.

The lesson is about partners. How to choose them and when to drink from them.

“Nobody anemic,” Levi says. “And never after they’ve had alcohol or drugs or any of that shit. You’ve got to wait until it’s out of their system, or you’re both going to feel fucked up once you’re done. Especially you, as the vampire, since you’ll already be half drunk with blood.”

The next day’s lesson is also about partners. But it’s also about Eren.

“You both need to know your limits,” Levi says. His voice is stern and his fingers tangle in the strands of Eren’s hair. “You need to be careful not to drink too much.”

There’s that tug at his scalp and Eren pulls back, swiping his tongue across the bite mark on Levi’s wrist.

“How do you always know when to stop me?”

“You slow down once you’ve had your fill,” Levi replies, “so it’s easy to notice. Normally it should take a few tries to figure it out, but you’re consistent.”

“What should I do if not everyone’s as observant as you?”

“They’ll get dizzy or weak and will know then that you’ve had more than necessary. But I’m hoping to have trained you to recognize the right amount on your own by then.”

“Sounds like work,” Eren grumbles, and he thinks Levi gave him a little extra today, because he feels more blood drunk than usual. “Why don’t you just stay my partner?”

Levi’s silence is sobering, and Eren nearly takes the words back.

“I doubt you really want that,” Levi says eventually.

“You don’t know that.”

“And you don’t either.”

Eren feels like he should argue with that statement, but he doesn’t know what to say. So he says nothing, and Levi doesn’t say anything either.

Day five’s lesson is not about partners. Levi is busy and impatient. His hand only falls upon Eren’s head when it’s time for him to stop. The man’s tone is clipped and stiff when he speaks, and Eren has to remind himself that Levi is just in a rush because Furlan isn’t there today, so there’s no substitute chef. It’s not at all because Eren said something stupid the day before.

Right?

The lesson is about turning people. A bite to the neck doesn’t automatically turn someone into a vampire, but Levi tells Eren that the blood spills faster there, so it’s easier to take too much. And taking too much from the neck creates new vampires. Something about the vampire healing saliva overcompensating for the blood it takes, enough of it that it overwhelms the human. There was something else too, about proximity to the heart.

Eren lays a hand over his chest. He forgot that there’s a heart in there. A heart that used to beat.

Levi watches him, tells him something else on his way out.

His heart can beat again, at least for a moment, but only at the cost of someone else’s. That’s what turning people is; a brief breath of life, gained by stealing someone else’s.

Eren touches the scar on his neck and feels sick to his stomach.

On day six, they’re both a bit calmer. The restaurant is busy, but Furlan and Isabel are as lively as ever, and they encourage Levi to take his time. They’re both used to Eren by now; they greet him with smiles whenever he arrives, and he feels guilty for not having any full conversations with them yet.

He feels that he is drinking slower than usual, but that doesn’t stop Levi from knowing when to stop him, detecting a change in speed that Eren is always too hazy-brained to notice.

“What am I learning today?” Eren asks, resting his head on the table.

Levi is walking around the room, probably choosing a weapon to reveal. He’s taken to finding them as he teaches, to save them both a bit of time. The weapon is usually a stake, but he’s also pulled out vials of holy water out of the filing cabinet in the corner a few times.

“I want to talk about turning again,” Levi says, and Eren frowns. He doesn’t like this topic.

“Okay.”

“It’s not always involuntary. Actually, it’s more likely to be voluntary these days.”

Eren’s frown deepens.

“Who would volunteer to be a vampire?”

“People who want to be immortal, usually. Sometimes they want the strength. Some just want to stay with the vampires they’ve partnered up with.”

Levi stops by a photo on the wall. Eren recognizes it as the one he knocked down when he threw the table over a week ago. The photo of Levi as a child, with the cardboard Kuchel’s Kitchen sign. Levi pulls it off the wall and flips it over, carefully removing a wooden square from the back of the frame.

“Have you ever thought about getting turned?” Eren asks.

Levi scoffs.

“Fuck no. A hunter becoming a vampire? I doubt anyone would even turn me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“No vampire in their right mind would want me to live forever. It’s in everyone’s best interest that I die someday,” Levi says, and his voice is completely calm, like he’s thought about it and accepted it.

Of course, it makes sense that Levi will die eventually. Levi is human. He’s going to grow old, just like everyone else. But the thought still puts a sour taste in Eren’s mouth.

Maybe it’s because Eren’s never going to grow old and die.

The weapon hidden in the picture frame is a knife, small and thin and sharp, but Eren isn’t looking at it. He’s staring at the table, twiddling his thumbs, thinking about how he’s not going to die and Levi is.

“What?” Levi says, coming to sit back down at the table. “You going to miss me, brat?”

“Yeah, maybe I fucking will,” Eren snaps, and he really doesn’t know why he’s so worked up over this because of course Levi’s going to die someday, he’s human—

A hand comes to rest on his head, heavy and familiar and comforting. And when Levi speaks, it’s like a sigh, with something in his exasperated words coming off as almost affectionate.

“You’re so damn honest.”

Eren shifts just enough to look at Levi, not wanting to lose the hand Levi is resting on him.

“Is that a bad thing?”

Levi huffs, but he sounds like he’s on the border of a chuckle.

“No. It’s refreshing. But you need to learn to take a joke.”

“I can take a joke,” Eren insists. “You’re just bad at telling them.”

“Oh, don’t turn your shit sense of humor back on me—”

“Wha—you’re the one who has the shit sense of humor!”

Their conversation devolves into half hearted insults that leave Eren laughing, and he’s so distracted by Levi’s teasing that he almost doesn’t notice the way the man’s hand lingers on his head, fingers combing through his hair.

They only stop when Furlan comes in, begging Levi to get back to work. Eren is still grinning on his way out.

~ ~ ~

The lights are off in Kuchel’s Kitchen on day seven. The day marks a month since Eren first met Levi. A month from the day he mistakenly ate garlic and tasted Levi’s blood.

Eren presses his face against the front windows of the restaurant, trying to see inside. The chairs are all flipped upside down and on the tables like they are after closing. He pulls his phone out of his pocket. It’s only eight. He sends another text to Levi, asking if everything’s alright. Levi simply texts him that he’ll be out in a minute.

Eren huffs a sigh, leaning against the brick wall of the restaurant.

The whole restaurant has a sort of old fashioned, cozy feel. The red bricks on the outside, the heavy wooden door with a literal bell hanging on the inside. The tables inside are all dark wood and thick red tablecloths, and there are black and white photos on the walls, most of people that Eren doesn’t know or recognize, though he has noticed a few of Isabel and Furlan on his trips to the break room. Eren can picture it all in his head fairly clearly, even without having to look through the window.

It’s different from the vibe he gets from Levi. The white and yellow tiled floor, the red walls… It’s colorful and bright, and it feels more like something Eren’s mom had decorated, rather than a no nonsense, practical man like Levi. The wallpaper even has fucking flowers on it.

And then there’s the name. Kuchel’s Kitchen. Who is Kuchel?

Eren thinks of the picture in the break room. The small kitchen, the cardboard sign. Little Levi, and the dark haired woman handing him a plate.

Maybe Levi’s mother helped him with the decor. Either that or Levi’s got a soft spot for flowery wallpaper and pretty colors.

It’s sweet, either way.

Eren hears the sound of the door unlocking, and he’s already looking when Levi steps out, the chime of the bell accompanying him.

“Sorry,” Levi says, beckoning Eren inside. “Isabel and Furlan said they both couldn’t make it to work, so I had to close early.”

“Are they your only employees?”

“They’re the evening shift,” Levi says, “I’ve got a few others that work during the day.”

Eren hums a little, casting a glance around the still darkened room.

“We could’ve met somewhere else if you wanted,” he says, and Levi just shrugs in response.

“I needed extra time to clean up around here anyway.”

They slip into their normal seats in the break room, and Eren leans onto the table, resting his chin in his hands as he watches Levi push up the sleeve of his shirt.

“I’m not busy today,” Levi says. “Are you?”

“No. No work and no school for me today.”

Levi nods, laying his arm across the table.

“Then, today, feel free to ask me anything you’re still not sure about.”

Eren pauses, his hands reaching for Levi’s arm.

“Is Kuchel your mom’s name?”

Levi’s entire body tenses, and Eren stops with his mouth halfway to Levi’s wrist.

“I meant questions about being a vampire, shitty brat.”

Eren tries to apologize, but Levi’s hand is on his head and he practically shoves Eren’s face into his wrist, stifling anything he was trying to say. Eren lets out a little grumble of protest, but he obediently sinks his fangs in. Levi sighs after a moment.

“...Yes, Kuchel is my mother’s name.”

Eren’s mouth is still occupied, so he squeezes Levi’s arm with his hands, hoping the man understands his request for the man to continue.

“You know that vampire hunting was the family business,” Levi says slowly. “My mother… she didn’t enjoy it. She was the one who taught me that vampires are still people. She learned all the tricks because she had to, but she only killed if it was absolutely necessary.”

Levi tightens his grip on Eren’s hair.

“She wanted an Italian restaurant. Went on and on about that shit. We’re not even fucking Italian, but that’s what she wanted. She started collecting shit—decorations and plates for her future restaurant. Started writing down recipes.”

Even in the midst of his explanation, Levi must be observing Eren, because Eren feels that familiar tug, that silent instruction to pull back. Eren does remove his teeth, complies with the obligatory healing lick, but he doesn’t pull all the way back. He keeps his head low, his lips pressed against the man’s pale skin.

“She was killed when I was a kid,” Levi says and the quiet statement hits Eren like a pound of snow dropped on his back. “She… she always tried to talk shit out, even in the midst of a fight. But there was no point to talking to the ferals. She knew that. She was just stalling—stalling so that my uncle could get me out of there. We all lived together. She was letting us escape.”

Levi takes in a shuddering breath, and Eren sits up, tries to look at him, but the man’s head is turned away. His hand falls away from Eren’s head, and Eren takes it, cradles it in his own.

“When you told me about your mom, I—it was too similar,” Levi says. “I looked at you, and I saw myself. That’s why I let you bite me.”

Eren’s stomach is a painful knot as he thinks about his mother, about that day, about how he couldn’t do anything for her. And he imagines Levi, just a little kid, watching it all play out, knowing exactly what was happening. He feels his own helplessness from the day he was turned and knows that Levi has felt the same. And his mother’s face, her scream are too vivid to Eren now. The images, the memories flash in his head and he squeezes his eyes shut, his hand tightening around Levi’s as his chest starts to burn—

“Sorry,” Levi says, and the word only makes Eren ache even more. “I shouldn’t have—it’s still fresh for you.”

“Don’t apologize,” Eren says, and the words are like a growl, far harsher than he meant to say them. Levi doesn’t even flinch at his tone, but Eren still pulls in a rough breath, trying to calm down, to stomp out the burning. “I’m glad you told me.”

Levi is looking back at him again, and in the place of his usual mask of indifference, Eren sees sorrow and guilt, even as he huffs a sigh and tries to change the subject.

“Didn’t mean to tell you my sob story today,” Levi says, and his voice is under more control than his expression is. “Let’s move on. What else do you want to know?”

The fire in Eren’s chest helps him answer.

“Tell me the best way to kill a vampire.”

[jackalopingintothevoid]

Observing Holidays Part 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 TBA

John felt odd.

Not bad. He didn’t think it was a serious medical issue. Just odd. Or, well, not just odd but... primarily odd.

There was... pressure, inside his chest. But it wasn’t... it wasn’t an inward tightening, like a knot. It was an outward pressure, like something was inside his chest that was too big for it. Not too too big, it didn’t hurt, it was just enough that it was noticeable. In fact, the pressure didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

He just felt... full.

Not so full that he struggled with lunch, of course. It was one thing to come to terms with the fact that genuine meat was readily available so soon after the war (it had been years, why couldn’t he remember it had been years?) but the spread before him now? That was a whole cooked turkey, juicy and bursting with flavour from the stuffing mix it was cooked with and strips of bacon wrapped around it. Roast potatoes, crispy coatings from his oil distribution, fluffy innards and so satisfying; roast parsnips, equally crispy outside but soft and sweet in the middle; steamed carrots cut into discs, with optional melting butter, that he could scoop a dozen of into his mouth at once; steamed sprouts, which regrettably had a very strong flavour but went down quickly; bread sauce, a thick, creamy, mild dollop that he’d happily eat a bowlful of; cranberry sauce, sweet and sharp, complimenting the salty bacon-infused turkey; two different types of gravy, one thicker and richer than the other; and something called pigs in blankets.

John didn’t think he’d ever felt such delight as when he found out that, many centuries ago, some genius decided that sausages could be improved with a bacon wrapping.

He had to admit, he probably ate more than his fair share. But he also had to admit that no one minded-- in fact, Mochou, Changming and Davis gave in and passed over food they didn’t have room for.

And it was strange, to sit in a group, listening to a conversation he wasn’t part of, and not feel like he was an intruder. Even if he wasn’t directly involved, they accommodated for him; things John wouldn’t be expected to know, they explained. He learned about local shops and services, amusing anecdotes from people’s pasts or about their relatives, plans for the new year and even talk of the political climate, but he was very focused on his little bacon-wrapped sausages for that discussion and took none of it in.

And then... dessert.

All of that food, and then dessert.

Two desserts.

One was a plate of pinwheel-shaped pastries filled with prune jam, and the other was a Bûche de Noël which looked like an awful lot of chocolate. While Riley had figuratively written the menu for the main meal this year, Alouette had been on the desserts with old family favourites, and she was eager to get John’s approval. And she most certainly did.

By the time the lunch was concluded, John felt bloated again and he kept smiling for no reason he could pin down.

They’d just settled in the living room, debating whether they wanted to play something or watch something, when Davis suddenly leapt up.

“Almost forgot a classic!” He declared, heading back into the kitchen even as others protested. John was curious despite the response-- what classic? 

Davis returned with a tray full of drinking glasses, each full of what looked like milk, and a small plastic dispenser.

“Alright,” Davis started, setting the tray on the coffee table despite the lethargic moaning of the group. “I got eggnog, I got cinnamon, who wants some?”

John sat up a little, but before he could move or speak Davis was laughing. “Yeah I know you want some big guy, don’t worry! I got you.”

There was one more glass than needed, John realised, and with that in mind he shouldn’t have been surprised when Davis offered him one with cinnamon and one without.

“There you go,” Davis said, seeming pleased with himself, “see how you like that.”

John remained silent, and Davis started to frown. John firmly reminded himself of the kitchen incident, and focused on the worry in the smaller man’s eyes.

“You okay, John?”

Say something, he thought, take the glasses.

He didn’t.

“John? Ça va?” Alouette had propped herself up from her dozing slump, and everyone else was looking at him with concern again.

He nodded and forced himself to reach out and take them, if only to stop everyone staring, and fought to find his voice. “Thanks.”

They were still staring.

“John...” Mochou murmured beside him. “You can tell us.”

She intended to say more, but Davis cut her off. “Alright, anybody else? C’mon I know you guys’ll love it once you have it, you’re all getting one, just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to cinnamon.”

Riley immediately started waving a hand clumsily as if to fend Davis off. “Noooooo I’m stuffed stop trying to make us faaaaaaaat.”

All eyes turned to them instead as they lazily kicked up a fuss, and John felt the tension in his shoulders ease. He looked down at the ‘eggnog’ in his hands and decided to push aside the unsettled feeling he couldn’t place and focus on the objective; he’d try the undoctored eggnog first to get the base flavour, then see how the cinnamon interacted with it.

“Ó.” The soft sound from Mochou distracted him, and a quick assessment made his innards squirm. She had that look on her face, when he said or did something that upset her-- she’d insisted repeatedly that it wasn’t his fault, but the correlation was consistent enough despite changing variables to reflect cause and effect. Unfortunately he was struggling to ascertain the pattern, so he didn’t yet have any action to take, and it was frustrating.

John tilted his head in question, but Mochou brightened suddenly, smiling and patting him on the leg before turning to Davis and calling, “Cinnamon, please!”

And now John was the one left perplexed. Had he misread her expression? Had it not been aimed at him but rather at something unrelated within her mind? Was she pleased that he was no longer agitated, or perhaps realised what the problem had been and deemed it resolved? The urge to ask for clarification came and went, and he sipped the plain glass of eggnog.

He liked it. ______________________________

It was, as the Crew dubbed it, Present Time.

John had tried to excuse himself, offering to wash up after the meal, but he’d been veritably shouted down. So now he was sat here as the Crew passed gifts to each other, feeling truly awkward for the first time in days.

He was admittedly curious, itching to know what they’d given each other, but he felt uncomfortably conspicuous spectating a tradition he wasn’t (couldn’t be) involved in. Simply the fact that he had nothing himself to give caused an uncomfortable almost-burning sensation in his stomach, and he wanted nothing more than to walk out when Changming pulled out the cards John had written.

The effusive thanks he was met with were almost too much for him to take. (He’d clumsily handwritten the same hollow festive greeting over and over and they were praising him like they hadn’t saved his life; he swallowed back bile and dug his fingers into the couch cushions.)

He almost missed Riley’s voice calling his name.

Looking up, John froze. Riley was holding out a wrapped gift-- a Christmas present. The gift tag had his name on it.

Swallowing thickly, John said, “No.”

Riley startled, jerking back as their face fell, and guilt added to the sour churning in his guts.

All eyes on him.

(It wasn’t-- he couldn’t-- )

“I can’t,” he blurted, “I’m sorry.” ______________________________

He didn’t come back to himself until he felt the blast of cold air as he opened the door to step outside the apartment block.

Regretting his lack of clothing warmer than his hooded jacket, he pushed forward regardless. He wouldn’t be out long, he told himself. He just needed a moment. He just needed to breathe.

The crisp chill helped to clear his head, and he relished the deep breaths of fresh, unrecycled air. He found the cold weather much more pleasant with the knowledge that there was warmth to return to.

A sharp cry of alarm from nearby snapped his head around, and he caught sight of an elderly civilian fallen back against their car. Their arms were heavily laden with bags, overbalancing them, and with potential ice underfoot they might well do themself harm.

He crossed the distance and reached out, “It’s alright,” he reassured, “I’ve got you.”

“Oh! Oh, I--”

John gently took one load of bags, then carefully but firmly gripped their arm. His other hand steadily scooped the civilian off the surface of the car door, moving around to support their back as they got their feet under them.

“Are you alright?”

“Oh-- Oh my, you’re a strapping lad aren’t you? Thank you so much, I- I’m alright, didn’t quite do any damage!” They were startled but smiling gratefully.

John frowned. “Where do you need to go?”

“Oh, dear-- oh, just on the ground floor there.” They glanced up at him hopefully. “I don’t suppose you’d mind... ?”

“Not at all.” Said John, taking the other bags.

“Oh thank you dear, you are a treasure.”

They seemed surprised when John slipped all six bags onto one forearm, and beamed when he offered the other in support, making another comment about his being ‘impressive’. It seemed in good cheer, so he didn’t dwell on it.

On the short but slow walk back to the apartments, John learned that Makani had just come back from a lovely Christmas lunch with many of their friends, whereupon they’d received far heavier gifts they had expected. They hadn’t wanted anyone to fret, so they’d insisted they could get it all home safely, but clearly they’d only been partly right.

They seemed to be taking the near miss cheerfully, and had no qualms allowing John to support them with his “astonishing arms”, to the point that they made no attempt to let go of him after they were safely inside the building. He shivered at the difference in temperature, and Makani’s smile finally dropped.

They clucked their tongue. “Oh dear, you must be freezing young man! Come in, come in and have a hot drink.”

John hesitated. He knew the Crew were probably upset and worried about his absence, and he should really go back before they felt the need to look for him, but... he almost couldn’t stand the thought of facing them right now.

“And maybe,” Makani continued gently, a shrewd look in their gaze, “you can tell me all about whatever trouble’s got that look on your face.”

John immediately schooled his features, and Makani’s face scrunched in irritation.

“Oh, don’t do that. That’s unnerving, that.” At his lack of response, they sighed. “I only mean that it might help to put a voice to it, rather than running around in the freezing cold until you make yourself sick.”

Their eyebrow arched, and John felt his head dip in sheepish embarrassment. He didn’t particularly want another round of hypothermia.

“Either way, come in and warm up. A drink is the least I can do for lugging my sorry baggage to the door.”

They smiled and patted his arm, and John felt something inside of him pang with a strange longing. Something about Makani’s worn and wrinkled face made the acrid knots loosen in his belly, their dark eyes warm and welcoming. Despite himself, he nodded.

“I just...” For a moment John wrestled with himself, then huffed in frustration as he lost the words again.

But Makani seemed to understand. They nodded, like some unspoken question had been answered, and didn’t press. “Come in.” They urged again, and John gave in.

[penmansparadise]

Steve Harrington Imagine Request - I Love You so Much Most

* I DON’T OWN ANY GIFS POSTED* *CREDIT TO GIF OWNERS*

I’m sorry that it took so long, but here is the Steve Harrington angst imagine requested by @saturnssub​ .  I hope that this lives up to what you were hoping for!  Let me know what you all think and enjoy!! Xx.

Warnings: Angst and Mild Language

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Reader

_______________________________________________________________________

You and Steve met in middle school. Years ago, when you first moved to Hawkins, he was your only friend. He was the cool guy that every girl fawned over, but he had a secret soft side no one knew about. You used to eat lunch at a corner table by yourself. One day, Steve trotted over and plopped down in front of you. Everyone watched in shock as he sat and ate lunch with the loser new girl. You were confused and didn’t know if he was playing some sick joke. But, when he gave you a friendly smile, you knew he was genuine. From that day forward, you two were inseparable.

Your friendship grew stronger and stronger throughout the years. In high school, when Nancy broke Steve’s heart, you were the only person there for him. He went to your house that night in complete anguish. You held him and told him everything would get better. He stayed over that night and slept soundly next to you. Steve comforted you when Robert Miller, the best wrestler within a 200-mile radius, broke up with you at the Christmas formal. After the dance, he took you to get ice cream and scream into the night. Wrapped tightly in a blanket, the two of you watched the sun rise over the quarry. You and Steve were each other’s rock.

Before you knew it, Steve asked you to be his girlfriend. He dressed in his nicest button-down shirt and took you for a picnic. He hung lights on the tree you sat under and had candles on the blanket. Rose petals littered the ground around you. He was so nervous, but, with sweaty hands, he finally asked. You, not skipping a beat, said, “Yes.” After making things official, your relationship only grew stronger. You were the couple everyone wished they could be. The two of you were goofy but cute. You had inside jokes that would make you laugh until your sides hurt, and Steve kept the romance alive by constantly surprising you with flowers and handmade gifts. The two of you were head-over-heels in love with each other.

You had been dating for a little over a year when Steve began to get distant. It started when things at the Hawkins Lab began to happen, and the Byer’s kid got sick. He stopped calling your house on weekends and started to cut your dates short. He would run off immediately after dropping you off and even stopped sneaking into your room late at night. When you were with him, he seemed like he wasn’t present. He was always hidden away in his own little world, and the door was locked. You tried to enter, but he never let you. You tried not to worry or think irrationally, but you couldn’t help it. Your anxiety reached an all-time high when you saw him sneaking out of the Wheeler’s house one night.

Your house was exactly three houses to the left and across the street from the Wheeler’s. It was after midnight, and you couldn’t bring yourself to sleep. Instead, you opted to sit in your window and waiting for the sun to rise or Steve to show. Propped up in your window, you saw him. At first, you thought your eyes had deceived you. It was late, it could’ve just been a friend of Mike’s. It wasn’t until he walked under the street lamp that you realized it was Steve. His fluffy hair bounced as he jogged toward his car. Your chest tightened as your mind thought the worst.

“It’s been a whole year and four months since Steve and Nancy broke up. And Nancy is with Jonathan now! Steve wouldn’t do something like that to hurt me, would he?”

Weeks passed by, and you noticed Steve spending more and more time at the Wheeler’s residence. You began to lose sleep, forcing yourself to stay up and watch for him. Every night for two weeks, Steve was consistent. 12:30 AM would come, and so would Steve. He spent three hours inside before jogging back to his car and driving home. At the start of the third week, you had enough. You knew you shouldn’t have done what you did, but you did it anyway. It was Saturday morning, and, to your surprise, Steve’s car came to a stop in the Wheeler’s driveway. You weren’t used to him being there on the weekends. From your window, you saw him and some kid with curly hair walk out of the house. They held large silver buckets and wore yellow dishwashing gloves.

“What the hell is he doing now?” You asked your empty room.

Steve and the kid started walking away. Your eyes moved to your sneakers sitting in the corner of your room. The boys were a good distance away, and, without any more thinking, you laced your shoes up and ran after them.

You stayed a few paces behind them as to not be seen. When they turned onto a dirt path that led to the old railroad tracks, you slowed. Standing stationary, you watched as they started dropping cubes of raw meat along the path. Your face scrunched up in bewilderment.

“What are you doing, Steve?” You whispered before trailing after them again.

When you walked into the old junkyard, you quickly found a rusty car to hide behind. Through the dirty window, you watched another two kids show up. Steve corralled the children before they started boarding up an abandoned bus. You leaned forward in an attempt to hear what they were saying.

“If this doesn’t work, we’re in deep shit, Dustin. I hope you know that.”

“It’s going to work, Lucas! I mean, we practically dropped two whole cows along the way. What could go wrong?”

“A lot could go wrong, but whatever.”

“Hey,” Steve’s voice echoed, “less talking and more boarding. We lose daylight in 45 minutes.”

The sound of wood hitting metal resonated around you. You peeped through the window again to see the group of kids standing next to Steve. He clapped his hands before turning to face them.

“Okay, we’ll hide in here and wait for Dart. Remember, I’ll do all the work. I’m not having any of you shit heads dying on my watch.”

You placed your hand over your mouth to muffle the string of giggles that escaped you. One of the kids waved him off.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Harrington. Just get in the bus and wait.”

You watched the group of kids and Steve disappear into the bus before sitting on the cool grass. The sun went down, and the fog began to hover just above the ground. Every now and then, you would prop up to check the bus, but there was still no motion. It had been hours, and you were still sitting behind a rusty old car.

“What the fuck am I doing?” You asked yourself. “Steve is my boyfriend. I shouldn’t have to sneak around and follow him.”

You aimlessly picked at the wet grass next to you.

“I’m just going to walk right up to that bus and speak my mind. I’m going to ask what the hell he’s doing here and why he’s been at Nancy’s.”

You gave yourself a nod of encouragement. Right as you were going to stand up, a loud monstrous roar filled the air. You had never heard anything like it before. It sounded like something out a horror film. Your eyes scanned the junkyard, but you couldn’t see anything. The heavy fog blanketed the ground, and the moonlight gave little to no light. You sat still trying to see if you could find where the noise came from. The sound of crunching leaves made your heart race in your chest. When you turned to face where the sound came from, you froze. A few feet from where you sat, stood a fleshy looking beast. It had the body of a large dog, but its head was like nothing you had ever seen before. It had no eyes and was shaped like a flower about to bloom. It didn’t have a mouth. Instead, its whole head opened to reveal a billion tiny teeth. Your breath caught in your throat, nearly suffocating you with fear. You silently placed your hands on the rusty car for support. Every part of your body was shaking with terror. You let out an unsteady breath and tried your best not to whimper.

“Oh, my God. What the hell is that thing?”

The guttural growls and clicks from the monster reverberated in your ears and into the quiet night. It had disappeared into the fog, making you spiral into a panic. Your breathing was quickening by the second, and you were doing all you could to calm yourself down. That’s when you heard a high-pitched whistle. You didn’t want to move, but when you heard Steve’s voice, you couldn’t help it.

“Come on, buddy,” he began, “human tastes better than cat, I promise.”

You forced your wobbly legs to stand. They were weak with fear, and you were unsure if they could even hold you up. Your eyes surveyed the area, hoping to spot the monster, but they landed on Steve instead. You could tell he was scared, but he planted his feet in the dirt anyway. He was wielding a baseball bat covered in nails. His bravery made your heart swell a little. The sound of another loud monstrous screech pulled you back to reality. The fleshy beast came into view. It stood a few steps in front of Steve. Your heart thumped in your chest as you watched Steve and the monster square up. Steve’s feet twisted in the dirt to get better traction as he prepped his bat to swing. The monster let out a series of low growls in response. You were frozen in place when one of the kids shouts filled the air.

“Steve, watch out,” he yelled, “3 o’clock!”

That’s when you heard the familiar growling, but that time it was much closer. Your blood pulsed in your ears as you slowly turned to face the sound. Creeping over the crushed-up cars and tires was one of the monsters. Its large claws tore into everything it touched.

“Oh my God,” you began fumbling to turn yourself back around, “Steve!”

A loud fright-filled scream came from you as you barreled over the car and toward Steve. Just as you were about to reach Steve, you could see the other monster lunge toward you. You shut your eyes and let out another scream when you felt Steve’s arms wrap around you. Steve pulled you into his chest just as the monster jumped past you. You could feel tears welling in your eyes as you began to hyperventilate. There were monsters all around you at that point. Their growls played like a symphony in the night. Steve grabbed you by your shoulders to gain your attention.

“What are you doing here, Y/N!? It’s not safe!”

You tried your best to compose yourself, but you couldn’t. Your breathing was shallow, and it was making you dizzy.

“I’m so sorry, Steve. I followed you here. You’ve just been so distant lately and I saw you at Nancy’s. I just…I thought you were cheating on me. I’m sorry.”

Steve let out a frustrated huff and squeezed your shoulders.

“You followed me here? Why didn’t you just talk to me!? I would never cheat on you, Y/N. I wasn’t even over there for Nancy. I was over there for Mike and his friends.”

Your cheeks were wet, but you didn’t know if it was from tears or sweat. You shook your head in disbelief.

“I tried to talk to you, Steve. You ignored me. I didn’t know what to think. And now, with this, I really don’t know what to think.”

You stared at Steve, but his gaze was fixed behind you. When you went to turn around and look, he stopped you.

“No,” he said, “We need to run.”

You shook your head in confusion.

“What?”

Steve’s hands released your shoulders and grabbed your wrist tightly.

“Run!”

You took in a sharp breath before being dragged behind Steve. An array of sounds filled your ears as you willed your legs to move faster. Growls, crunching leaves, your heavy breathing, and fast-beating heart all melted into one. The kids were screaming from the bus. They sounded like they were a million miles away.

“Steve, hurry! Run faster!”

You felt Steve’s grip tighten around your wrist. There was going to be a deep bruise left behind. Your feet trampled the ground as Steve pulled you behind him. You could see the bus and the kids waving you on. Fear was painted on each of their childish faces. When you looked behind you, a pack of monsters was chasing you. They were so close. You could smell their musk as the wind whipped around you. The beastly sounds coming from them sounded closer with each step you took. From up close, you could see their bony bodies with clarity. They looked deformed as they ran after you and Steve.

Your heart was beating as fast as you were running. You could feel the breath of the monsters on your back. The bus seemed miles away, and you could feel your legs growing heavy.

“Steve,” you shouted out of breath, “I’m not going to make it!”

Steve held onto your writs even tighter than before and pulled you along.

“Yes, you are, Y/N. Just run, I’ve got you.”

You could see the bus and the kids clearly. There was a little red-haired girl who looked almost as scared as you felt. The two boys next to her stared desperately at Steve. The stairs were black and were covered in dirt. They did a great job boarding up the old piece of metal. The voices of the kids rang out as Steve let go of your wrist and jumped into the bus. He reached out for you. Your hand was so close to his. Your fingertips glided over his, and you could feel the nervous sweat that coated them. But he wasn’t fast enough.

A loud screech sounded just before one of the monster’s mouths attached to your side. You let out a scream as your body slammed against the ground. Sharp teeth tore into your clothes and flesh ripping everything to shreds. You watched as the fleshy beast opened your body and feasted. Your blood painted its face and pooled around you. It was warm against the cold grass. You could hear Steve yelling, but it was muffled. He sounded lightyears away, and it felt like you were having an out of body experience. You tried to scream out for Steve, but your blood was choking you. Your body grew colder with each bite from the monster. You were sure it was never going to end when the beast screeched and ran off. He left your body lying on the ground, mangled and broken.

You didn’t know what made it stop, but, suddenly, the monster was gone. The pain was still present as you felt your blood pouring out of your torso. You let out a wet cough and felt some blood dribble down your chin. Tears and sweat leaked down your cheeks. Your vision was going fuzzy, but you could still make out Steve’s figure. He dropped to his knees beside you and looked on in horror. You could tell that he was terrified, but he kept his brave face on for the kids.

His hands moved frantically over your body, trying to stop the blood that was gushing out of your body. Tears flowed from his eyes, and sobs shook his entire body.

“Dustin, g-go get a t-towel or something. We have to s-stop the bleeding.”

Dustin’s voice rang out and echoed in your head.

“Steve, buddy, I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Just g-go, man! We h-have to save her!”

Through clouded vision, you could see the kid named Dustin scramble off toward the bus. Steve took your hand in his and brought it to his mouth. You could feel his dry lips on the top of your hand. His tears dripped onto your clammy skin mixing with your blood and sweat. You could feel him shaking next to you and could hear his trembling breaths. He gave your hand another kiss and brushed your wet hair from your face.

“Don’t w-worry, baby. Everything is just f-fine. Dustin is getting s-something to stop your b-bleeding.” He let out a hiccup and a whimper. “Y-you’re going to be okay, honey. I promise.”

You coughed more blood up before forcing yourself to speak.

“I’m not going to make it, Steve.”

Steve let out a soft cry that made your heart clench in your chest. You so badly wanted to wrap your arms around him and hold him close. You desperately needed to feel his embrace one last time, but you knew it would never happen. He squeezed your hand tightly.

“Don’t s-say that, Y/N. You’re okay, we’re g-going to g-get you to a h-hospital. Just hold on, b-baby. Please, just hold on.”

You could feel yourself growing weak. Your breathing was becoming labored, and your eyes were trying to shut. You grasped onto Steve’s hand as hard as you could muster.

“It’s okay, Steve.”

You tried your best to focus on Steve’s distressed face. His eyes were red, and his face was puffy. His bottom lip was quivering as you began to speak again.

“I have to let go, baby.”

Steve cried out in anguish as he placed his forehead on yours. A stream of whimpers escaped his trembling body. You nuzzled him one last time, feeling his soft hair on your face. You drank in the scent of his cologne and closed your eyes.

“I love you so much, Steve.”

Steve’s body shook from his crying.

“I love you s-so much m-more.”

You smiled feebly and said, “I love you so much most,” before everything went black.

[maviemesregles]

Once I was an Eagle

Finally, the chapter is here. It took a while to get it done and it's been a struggle in some ways.

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy it despite long waiting :)

Your comments mean the world to me even though I don't always have time to answer each of you. <3

BIG thanks to my beta @eclecticstarlightconnoisseur <3 She's truly a gem and has saved this chapter from miserable failure. I can't give you enough credits, Anne. But I'm glad to have you on this journey with me.

Part II will follow shortly after this one, possibly on Thursday :)

P.S. For the better atmosphere I recommend you to put on Dire Straits song "Romeo and Juliet" :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJmER493F4U

A link for AO3.

Enjoy! ♥

Chapter I: The beginnings

Chapter II: Sassenach

Chapter III: Catharsis

                                   CHAPTER IV: Lovestruck. Part I

"I'm taking ye on a wee trip, Claire." Jamie stood in the doorway of the locker room, car keys in his right hand. "Ye need fresh air, ye look like yer about to fall down".

My mind froze for a second taken aback by his (dashing as always) appearance.

"Jamie, I can't. I -"

He did not let me finish raising his hand up, gesturing me to be quiet.

"There is no 'I can't' or 'No'. I dinna accept that." He stepped closer. "Maybe I am no doctor but I still can see when someone's worn out."

To be very honest he was right. In the last week, I’ve had ten major surgeries, several new patients to care for. I promised Terry to fill in for her and worked two additional shifts. And just thirty minutes ago I finished partial colectomy. I felt completely drained.

“But what about our… date?” I looked at him trying to find my keys buried in the depths of the bag. The word “date” still sounded strange, and sometimes inappropriate for me (I did not know if we were dating or having a friendship with benefits).

“A wee change of plan.” Jamie clicked his tongue, his hand laid at the back of my neck. “This will be our date then. Just ye, me and some nature.” 

He pressed a quick kiss on the spot behind my ear. That soft, tender one that made me wonder, could this be forever? Or will we end up staying just Claire and just Jamie having fun?

"Take her will ye! She willna listen to me," smirked Geillis. "I'll take care of yer wee cheetie while yer away. So dinna fash, lovies.”

I rolled my eyes. Jamie coughed clearly trying to hide a laugh.

“I promise I willna be angry at ye for ruining our cinema time tradition. Just next time it’s my turn to choose a movie”. And just like that, grabbing the house keys from my hands she was gone.

“Tell me there is a hot shower where you’re taking me and I can borrow one of your gym's t-shirts for sleeping?” My head dropped back, fitting perfectly in the space between his collarbone and jaw.

Jamie’s hands circled around my waist locking just above my navel.

“There is a bath, Sassenach. An improvement to yer wee shower.” He nuzzled his nose against my hair. “And I can assure ye, ye willna need a sleeping shirt.”

A habit of falling asleep almost anywhere was my superpower. After we got into Jamie’s crossover Peugeot with Tesco groceries for our breakfast I immediately dozed off. The last time I sat in his car was two weeks ago, exactly three days after our first real date as Jamie called it. 

Appearing at the hospital without any warning, he volunteered to bring me home after work. Though the GPS in Jamie’s phone had announced that the distance between Braid Road and Lauderdale street was just fifteen minutes I didn’t walk out of the car for at least thirty. I laughed needing to admit that sex in the car is not as comfortable as it looks on TV. Jamie frantically searched the glovebox for a condom while creating a mess of tissues, mints, and papers. I struggled with the front seat that didn’t want to go down. Though in the end, nothing was an obstacle. Later that evening as I prepared for bed, I welcomed the hickey starting to bloom bright purple on my neck.

I felt very much cozy in his car (despite previous activity here). Jamie had turned the seat warmer on (making fun of me for not handling Scottish weather “Ye English, weak creatures”). Shamelessly, I stole his coat to cover my always-cold-legs. The soft blur of Mark Knopfler’s voice on the radio and passing lights were the ones that made me sleepy. I awoke sometime later, noticing the familiar scenery disappeared and the darkness of the countryside had eaten all the electric lights. Jamie’s hand rested on my knee, his thumb drawing patterns that he only knew. He had a dreamy, faraway look about him. There was no GPS this time. Jamie knew his way, leading us through the Highlands where the history was almost palpable. Like that time (four days after car sex) when I had come back from a late shift at the hospital and called him.

It was the day I seemed to be annoyed with everything and everybody. I felt annoyed with Geillis and her endless discussion about her latest sexual encounter. With Adso for weeing on my fluffy bathroom rug. Even my touchpad on my phone betrayed me! Wasting my time on my coffee break with coffee that tasted like an old sock. Does it ever stop raining? And Jamie left for a four day trip to Broch Mordha. But most of all I was annoyed with myself for coming to the realization that I actually missed him.

I was exhausted. Too tired to cook, I ate three spoons of quinoa cold straight out of the fridge. Falling into bed, I felt each sore muscle in my back as I stared into the ceiling for minutes or possibly hours. I managed to get out of my clothes and just crawl under the duvet not showered, naked, with makeup on. Breaking all of my three own rules.

Jamie’s number was dialled in seconds without any hesitation (my fourth rule was broken as well). He picked up after five long beeps (I actually counted).

“Sassenach?” His voice deep with sleep.

Christ. What a smart one you are, Beauchamp. Normal people sleep at one am. He was asleep, clearly.

“Claire?” He shifted, readjusting position, sheets rustling in the background. “If someone abducted ye and yer calling me now to come and get ye, ye gotta let me know. Otherwise, I really would like to get back to my warm pillow. Of course, it’s not as nice as when yer with me but…”

There was banter in his voice but suddenly I felt ashamed, foolish for calling him like that. (Hoping for what exactly? )

"I’m sorry. I did not realize it was so late." 

The incoherent mumbling poured out of me then. I was telling him all about how annoyed I was all day, about the rug I probably would have to throw away, how can’t I sleep now and a million other things before he finally shushed me.

“I miss ye too, Sassenach.”

My mind stilled then. The warmth rising up somewhere inside, behind my breastbone and running down to my cold fingers and toes, creating the sun under my skin.

“Do ye want me to tell ye a story to sleep?”

He told me then all about ancient castles, about the brave Highlanders and the battles they fought, Jacobite rebellions, mythical creatures and tales of the mountains. He was a born storyteller.  Charming in fact. 

I had fallen asleep feeling his presence even though he was away.

Jamie looked like he belonged here. With the mountains and grassy moors. With Knopfler’s voice singing "You and me, babe, how about it?".

“I did not know you were Dire Straits fan”. The smile crept in and took possession of my lips as I whispered my silent observation. His eyes fixed on me for mere seconds but long enough to drown in the blue depths of them once again. He looked at me in a way that made me shiver, made me feel a growing warmth mixed with lust that went deep down to the marrow of my bones. The navy of his slightly slanted eyes dug inside and stamped a mark at the very bottom of my core. That same look he gave me when I sat only-knickers-on at his bed legs crossed some days ago.

I could feel the blue marks getting born under my skin at the tender layer of paleness on my thighs where he held me just minutes ago (the bitterness of vague pain as his fingers pressed onto the tops of my flesh and the hot wave of my release making my stomach turn). Jamie’s place was a small studio on the outskirts of Edinburgh. It felt half empty and lonely, screamed for a touch of coziness. He’d explained he stays mostly in Broch Mordha with family. After his mom died a couple of years ago there was an aching hole and need for them to be together.

Jamie fell silent when we stood in the shower, hot water washing off the memories of my own parent's death. We slept. Together, limbs tangled under the rumpled sheets, Jamie’s warm hands soothing the marks he had left on me. That morning I’d said to him I wanted it easy and fun. “I don’t want to hurt you or myself. I want us to live in this moment. Just Claire and Jamie. No promises no regrets.”

“ I wouldna wish to hurt ye, Sassenach. Not ever.”

Then he stated more than asked, “It’s just Claire and Jamie having fun, see where it leads us, aye?”

For two nights, I dreamt about him. Of touching him. Of his swollen lip from my kiss. Of the way his breath hitched when he whispered “Claire”. I was painfully, utterly aware of him, of his presence making residence somewhere deep inside me. I lived with his smell (sharp and clean, hay and crisp air) which seemed to be everywhere, in each cell of mine and at the back of my throat.

Now my life consisted of flirty texting nonstop (I did not know I was able to do that being 32 years old anymore), of occasional Skype sessions when Jamie was away to Broch Mordha (me with a messy curly bun and old pajamas, glass of wine in one hand and Adso snuggling beside me; Jamie bare chest, bloody furnace he was, with whisky and his nieces and nephews popping to the screen from time to time). 

One of those evenings young Jamie had asked his uncle who I was. (“that doctor lady ye talk a lot with, Ma says ye fancy her, is she yer girlfriend?”)

My heart skips a bit then waiting for Jamie’s answer. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to hear it (as if I hoped for something more, just drop it, Beauchamp). By now I’ve spent enough time with Jamie to know that his face could not hide any emotion. He would be the worst liar on Earth and there’s nothing that could be done about it. It was all there. Written on his face and easy for anyone to read. The tips of his ears became scarlet red as he shot a look to me on the screen and then back to his nephew who now was waving to me.

“Well, I do fancy Claire, aye.”

Before my smitten mind could conjure up any appropriate response wee Maggie was in the screen, climbing onto Jamie’s lap and pointing her little finger at me.

“Will ye marry her then, uncle Jamie?”

I choked on my wine and nearly spilled it on peacefully sleeping Adso.

“Should I call her doctor Claire, uncle Jamie?” Little girl shifted on Jamie’s laps looking up at him.

“Noooo, we should call her Auntie Claire!” Her brother grinned back.

“Yer wee devils, ye’ll make a lady uncomfortable and we dinna want that, right? Let yer uncle talk in peace. Jenny, mo cridhe?”

It was the voice of Brian Fraser. It was hard not to recognize as it had the same soft blur to it as Jamie’s. I haven’t seen him, neither the rest of Jamie’s family. Only his nephew and niece. It was a territory which was sort of forbidden to trespass. Because if we did it would mean we have something more than just a fling. The truth was we both did not know what it was between us. And what we wanted it to be?

“ C’mon. Get off yer uncle, the two of ye. There’s warm milk and shortbread cookies in the kitchen.” Jenny’s hands appeared on the screen helping the children off Jamie’s lap.

Of course, Jamie talked about me with his family. I did not know what he’d shared and how much they knew but I was grateful for them for respecting my private boundaries. I wasn’t ready to meet them but also there was never a discussion of such a possibility. It’s just that they knew about the existence of Claire Beauchamp as I knew Jamie’s family was very important to him. It was enough.

When we arrived at our final destination, it was pitch dark outside. On the way here I saw the sign that said Loch Lomond. We stood in front of the grey stoned cottage surrounded by mountains peeking out in the darkness. The stillness and quietness of the place was disturbed by the only sound of car engine still running on. A narrow stone walkway with shrubs of French Hydrangea and Azalea alongside led straight to a big wooden door. “Taigh Beann” it said at the very top of it, carved into the bronze plate that hung above.

“Gaelic.” Jamie explained setting our groceries bags down. “It means House of the Mountains.”

The inside reminded me of a house of my grandparents where I spent many summers until the age of five. It was filled with all kinds of vases and figurines, large, dusty paintings of nature in gold frames, books of all imaginable kinds. The old, burgundy patterned rug laid in the living room where I squealed happily to find a fireplace. In the centre stood big brown leather couch the kind I hated in the summer because it made my skin stick to it. In the corner where green velvet armchair nestled, we found an oak round table. The bedroom was small but light. The bed was centered under a glorious skylight offering the promise of a magnificent view of a starry night sky. But the main attraction was the bathroom. My mouth dropped open and I grabbed Jamie’s hand in excitement. What I saw was stunningly beautiful. The floor was lined with marble tiles, the windows extended from floor to ceiling and ran the length of the wall. Imagine what breathtaking scenery might be outside. The centerpiece of the room was a large clawfoot bathtub big enough for two.

“I told ye there’s an improvement to yer shower, Sassenach” Jamie winked leaving me to stand astonished by the view.

Sometime later I sat in the armchair that Jamie had moved for me to the fireplace (saying that I probably lived in Spain or Greece in my previous life). He himself retreated to the kitchen with a promise of dinner. I watched the flames dance and collide together all the same as we did. We’ve known each other for the past four weeks but sometimes it felt like a lifetime. 

Our days together consisted of talking about everything and nothing, snuggling up on my couch watching Netflix, of Jamie cuddling Adso all the time. Of me ordering takeaways and only cooking breakfasts in case if Jamie stayed for the night. We used to hit the pubs once a week and get obnoxiously drunk. Then, of course, there was sex. And some more sex. We were travelling back and forth between my apartment and his studio. Jamie had fixed something in my car after he had driven it once cursing that I could have killed myself and how on earth I did not hear that sound? His toothbrush that we picked up together at Boots now lived in my bathroom and my pink cat pajamas took a residence in his closet. At the times we were not together my phone buzzed every other hour. We talked so much that I had to consider having a second mobile phone not to let my private life intervene with work. And suddenly now it struck me. What is going on Beauchamp? What has happened to you?

“I don’t like it.”  My fingers typed a text hitting the button Send to Geillis.

Three dots appeared.

“What’s that?”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“Ye mean what he has in his pants? I thought it was all perfect till now…”

Before I could reply to her in a hateful manner another two texts appeared on the screen.

“Did he bring ye to a dark forest and now ye need help to escape? What was that movie about serial killer we watched..?”

“All joking aside, what’s wrong, Claire?”

My teeth sunk into the bottom lip as I tried to conclude what I felt. Control. There it was. I was losing it. Control over the situation, my feelings, over myself. Suddenly all my life always ordered and stable went down the hill adjusting to one James Fraser. I didn’t realize just till now how much I allowed him to creep under my skin in such a short time. Usual Claire wouldn’t let anyone take her away to some trip on a whim. At least I would have bartered with him or set my conditions.

A painful lump in my throat seemed to travel down and settle around my heart squeezing it. I thought there was actual physical pain. I knew what made me feel so insecure. It was the way Jamie made me feel. Safe, cherished, loved (?). He was always there. Ready to be my strength and help. My safe place to come back to, where all my masks would come off and my vulnerable self stands. 

Like the time I caught a cold but have been so busy I had no time even to take any medicine.

Geillis dropped a pharmacy bag on my lap with a smirk on her face. “That’s from yer laddie. I dinna recall Frank ever did it to ye.” Inside there was a box of paper tissues, lozenges for sore throat, a box of Theraflu, and a little jar that looked like a jam with a yellow sticky note on it.

“I’m sure yer to busy being wrists-deep into a human that ye dinna have time to get any medicine. Even Jenny heard yer cough over the phone yesterday. Btw, that’s her handmade raspberry jam, especially for ye. I couldna get it to ye myself, have business at the brewery. Take care. Xxx.”

I grabbed a tissue from the box pretending I had a runny nose but in truth, there was a swell of tears. Geillis only smiled and left me alone staring at the bag Jamie put together for me.

Or the time when I had to cancel our date being summoned to work.

There were times I felt confident in what I was doing. But there were moments when even years of studying and experience did not give me enough confidence facing the difficult surgeries. I was half ready for the theatre play we were going to visit when our plans got interrupted. I had to be in the surgery for repair of aneurysm. Calling Jamie and mumbling “Sorry” every other second I could not stop myself from letting him know that I was actually anxious.

“There also might be a loss of blood flow to the legs from a blood clot…”

" Ye'll do just fine, Sassenach. Dinna fash. Ye have done this before, right?” He asked softly.

“Yes. But you can never guess possible complications and…” I sighed getting into my car. “Do ye think I am a bad surgeon?”

“I dinna think that, Claire. I ken that yer an excellent one. And ye shouldna ever doubt yerself. How long will it take?”

“ Three to five hours.”

“ I’m verra proud of ye, Sassenach.”

Despite my worries, the surgery went smooth. The patient was sent to ICU and was stable. I felt if the train ran over me. It was 6 am by the time I finally made it out of the hospital. Jamie’s car was standing outside and I rubbed my eyes thinking I’m imagining it. I wasn’t.

“What are you doing here?” I asked when I reached the car. “How long have you been here?”

Jamie took a sip of coffee, handing me a paper Starbucks cup.

“About two and a half hours I suppose. Didna want to miss ye.”

“Oh Jamie” I bit my lip and locked arms around his neck, my head dropped to his chest. “You didn’t need to do it but I’m glad you’re here.”

“Aye, I did.” His lips softly brushed over my temple. “How did it go?”

“Very well.” I whispered feeling my eyelids burn with the exhaustion of doing surgery for four hours.

Despite my weak protests, he brought me home. Sent me into the shower and by the time I was done he’d made scrambled eggs for me, watched that I ate all of it, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned up Adso’s litter tray and finally put me to bed as if I was a child. On the edge of sleep, I reached for his cheek, cupping it gently. “Where did you come from? Surely you’re not real”

He chuckled catching my hand to plant a kiss on each finger. “As far as I ken Ellen and Brian Frasers are the ones to blame for my existence. Sleep now, mo duinne.”

Another text from Geillis popped on the screen.

“Do ye like him?”

There I typed something I was afraid to acknowledge, something I would not be able to say out loud. But something that my fingers managed to write down on a cold white screen.

“I think I’m falling for him, Geillis. And it scares me. It scares the hell out of me.”

Three dots appeared and then stopped. And appeared again.

“Oh yer my wee poor thing. I tell ye this. Go with the flow, dinna force things but dinna resist either. I bet the lad likes ye more than ye think. He likes ye, ye like him. Just let it happen, Claire. It will lead ye to something eventually. And if ye need my shoulder to cry on, I am always there for ye.”

* * *

James Fraser was never sure what love is or what it felt like. Of course, he loved his family. He loved his sister and his nephews. Jamie would have turned the world upside down for them. He loved Ian who was like a brother to him. At the age of thirteen, Jamie thought he was in love with the neighbour’s daughter Maryl. She was bonnie. Tall and elegant with long ruddy hair just like his. He loved the feeling when they kissed. But then Brian Fraser told his youngest son that when he would meet the right woman he’ll feel it. From that time on Jamie has always remembered his Da’s words. Every time he tried to catch that feeling but it never was right. Until the moment he met Claire Beauchamp. It was as a stab into his heart and she was the only one who could stop the bleeding. As much as he tried to understand how this woman can make him want to ravish her until there’s nothing left of her and at the same time cradle and love her as the most precious thing in the world he still couldn’t. But Jamie knew he was falling in love with her and she would be the end of him.

Jamie’s voice was soft and slightly husky as he murmured along with the music playing from his phone. The kitchen was filled with a delicious smell of the meat he’d cooked and I needed to smile at the candles he had put on the table. Who would think there was a romantic inside this big Scot. My heart shattered just a bit with a sound of old cracks in it with each step I took finally reaching him from the back.

“Sassenach.”

My hands circled around him, face pressed to his broad back.

“You want to know a secret?”

“I do if it is something yer willing to share”. I could feel him smile without a need to see his face.

“I fancy you, Jamie. Very much.” My confession mirrored his that was said days ago.

“Do ye now, mo ghraidh?” He turned then to me grinning.

“What does it mean? You called me that before.” Now I smiled being trapped in his arms.

“I tell ye sometime later.” Jamie leaned in to kiss me. For a second it made me forget about our dinner. But he pulled off before I could make further implications on him.

“I have a lot of excellent plans for us tomorrow.”

“Oh do you then?” I could not resist patting his arse.

He smiled.

“Oh aye. I do.”

The rain started to fall down washing the day off as well as my worries.

[szopenhauer]

What star sign is the last person you text messaged? Aries

How did you feel when you woke up today? not well

Do you know what the person you're dating is doing at this moment? napping

Who was the last person to make you cry with laughter? my gf

Who was the last person you talked about sex/love with? either her or my father

Who introduced you to the person you're in a relationshop with? my high school classmate K.K.

How many brothers does your father have? two

When was the last time you did something which you knew was wrong? I don’t know what’s wrong and what not, ugh...

Do you still speak to your first crush? nope

If you could get your own house with one friend, who would you pick? dad but I’d prefer to live alone

Which is worse, too-tight clothes or much too-loose clothes? too tight are worse

What is something that you are willing to fight for? hmm...

If you jump, can you touch the ceiling of the room you’re in? noooo

Which do you think is worse: ear aches or tooth aches? tooth aches

How many different colors are you wearing right now?  3 (4 counting panties)

You can only listen to one band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? omg I can’t choose :o

Do you like big or small cars better? big

What store do you get the majority of your shoes from? *shrug*

What place, in your mind, is heaven on earth? How about hell on earth? there’s no such thing as heaven on Earth to me as I would bring myself there and ruin everything but almost whole planet is hell mostly because of people

Do you think there is anything scary about midnight? midnight is the time of ghosts but no longer minute before and/or after :P 

Can you snap with both of your hands? yep

In your opinion what is the absolute worst house chore? laundry?

How young do you think is too young to get married? definitely under 20 but I think it’s best to get married 30+

Who do you think is the dumbest superhero?  I can’t believe Green lantern is an actual superhero...

Would you rather be a hair stylist or a clothes designer? clothes designer

Would you rather be 3 inches taller or shorter than you are now? taller

Are there any foods that you think smell good, but taste bad? possibly

Would you ever stay overnight at any of your neighbors houses? why would I? 

Do you think it would be cooler to play a hero or the villain in a movie? hero

If you had the last name of your favorite actor, what would your name be? I like many actors so...

how many syllables does your first name consist of?: 3

do you know someone who is allergic to chocolate?: used to know

have you worn a dress [casual, formal, etc] within the past week?: not within the past week

when was the last time you saw the last person you kissed?: days ago

is that person your significant other?: yup

last person you talked to on the phone and what was it about?: mom, I informed her she probably didn’t take out the matches from my pocket and now she’s washing my shorts with ‘em inside the machine and my instinct was right so she turned it off in the last moment, minutes or even seconds later water would soak the package and that could ruin the clothes, I wish she checked or asked while taking my stuff away

got any plans today?: been to laboratory, done shopping but am too tired to help my parents in carrying wood 

were you born in an odd or even numbered year?: even

did you drive anywhere at all today?: took the bus

which of your parents did you see last?: both at once

describe your current shirt: black tee Nie każdy musi mnie lubić w końcu nie każdy ma dobry gust with Lil My

are you currently listening to music?: I’m very picky about songs today

do you fill out your own surveys or do you think it’s just weird?: I do

where did you buy the shoes you last wore?: Biedronka (Tom & Rose)

last disappointment?: health issues 

do you still talk to the person you first kissed?: yeah

did you seriously believe that the opposite sex had cooties in elementary?: I didn’t think about that 

did you take a nap today?: I barely ever take naps in general

name something random in your car: I don’t own a car

would/did you cheat on someone for revenge or if they wouldn’t find out? neither

would you rather be remembered for something bad or forgotten? forgotten

would you date someone twice your age for money? only if I really had to survive and there was no other way but not forever?

rate your self-confidence, 1 being insecure, and 10 being cocky. I’m insecure but not sure how much 

are you content? I wish

would you knowingly be who someone cheats on someone else with? cheats with me on someone they pretend to love? hell no

would you sleep with a teacher to pass a class you were failing? ewww, yuk

have you ever contemplated physically hurting yourself or another? mhm

are you prejudice against any groups of people? I am

is there anything you chose to be ignorant about? (war, animal rights, etc) maybe

would you replace any family members if possible (& who)? oh well...

do you lie when asked how you’re doing? what for? to blame then for not noticing? to be an ass who’s lying?...

do you have any plans for tomorrow? meeting with M.

are you able to get a tan? not much

the next time you are on an airplane, where will you be traveling to? umm... no thx

are you satisfied with the picture on your id card? could be worse but also could be better

what are your chances of getting with your crush? I'm taken

what color is your car? no car!

is the song you’re currently listening to being sung by a male or female? two women

where did you get the shirt that you’re wearing? it was a gift

how tall is the last person you kissed? taller than me

is anybody in the room with you right now? not rn

how long have you been with your significant other, if you have one? 3 months

do you enjoy dried fruit? meh

How’s your day going? blergh

What does your umbrella look like? I borrow my parents’ umbrella, I hate umbrellas

Do you share a room with anyone? there are furniture with stuff inside that don’t belong to me

Do you have socks on? Describe them. grey

Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? I have spotify, choices, tumblr, tik tok, fb and messenger

Do you have good reflexes? I guess

Picture you think is cute.

Do you like blowing bubbles? sometimes

Are you better at posing good questions or coming up with outrageous dares? depends

Has there been a celebrity death that really affected you? I cried after some celebs but that’s all

If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends?  I haven’t :(

Do you think, if it came down to it, that you’d be able to kill someone? I believe I might

Are you good at rating things? am not

Do you get into a lot of arguments? :x

Can you pass for older than you are? can’t even pass for my real age lmfao

Do you talk a lot? at times

Are you capable of finishing a game of Monopoly? it’s not that hard

Do you own any tie-dye clothing? I hate tie-dye 

How much soda do you drink in a week? - Do you like being asked questions? love Are you nosy? slightly

How well can you pay attention to someone talking? depends What is the closest yellow thing to you? rosary Would you mind living on a farm? I’d try Are you a patient person? wouldn’t say so What annoys you the most about people? what doesn’t... Does your computer freeze a lot? my browser freezes right after turning on the computer and my internet dies often

Have you ever ate glue? wtf

When is the last time you took a picture? this day

If you could know one thing about the future, what would it be? when will I die for example

Do you like Ellen Degeneres? she’s awful

Are you comfortable dancing in public? whatever

Would you like to live to be 110 years old? I wanna die already

Do you like getting your picture taken? I’m ugly

Do you like being the X or the O when you play tic tac toe? X

What do you think is the most popular name for a girl? I checked:

Zofia Hanna Julia Zuzanna Alicja Maja Helena Maria Oliwia Pola

What about a boy?

Jan Franciszek Antoni Aleksander Stanisław Jakub Adam Leon Mikołaj Szymon

*do ya like any?

How many people are around you right now? my family’s in the kitchen eating so I’m alone

Do spicy foods give you heartburn or make you make you gassy? both and more

Is body hair attractive or unattractive to you? it’s normal/natural?

Do you prefer bare feet or socks? socks

Hard wood floor or carpet? hardwood

Would you ever want to work in a toy store? yasss

Do you like asking questions better or answering? answering

Do you follow your head or heart more? head

Would you rather give up your hand or your foot? foot

Have you ever tried crowd surfing? too risky and no fun

If you could have 16 wishes, tell me just one you wish: I don’t need 16, 3 are enough

Do you like the movie Bambi? If so, who is your favorite on there? I don’t remember Bambi 

Would you rather be on the computer all day or watch TV? computer

Would you rather be a police man or a firefighter? police

Do you like jokes or riddles better? jokes

Do you like onion rings? disgusting

Do you like odd or even numbers better? even are easier to count

Last song you heard? Marroon 5 - Animals

Ocean or lake? lake

Do you know a lot of people with the middle name Marie? weird but no, Anna is more popular

Do you like loud or quiet people better? smth in between unless in public - quiet strangers are better

Taking pictures or getting your picture taken? taking

Do you like chocolate? meh

Favorite day of the year? New year’s eve?

Favorite holiday? same

Crayons or markers? markers

Snookie or Vinny? Snookie

have you ever been to an animal shelter? that would break my heart

are you tired right now?

who is the worst actor or actress in your opinion? there are plenty  have you ever bought someone else lingerie? nope where are your parents right now? run around the house like crazy if you have a dog, does it bark a lot? luckily not, he howls rarely too have you ever seen a magic show? sure can you juggle? I tried to learn but failed

[lesmiserabby]

Tagged by @queen-paladin, thanks for the tag!

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? Red

2. name a food you never eat: Oh there are so many.... But the no bacon and no poutine seem to be horrifying to my fellow Canadians

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? Too warm is the one I actually notice so I’m gonna go with that

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? Practicing piano

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? I’m assuming this translates to chocolate bar in Canadian and I’m not super big on chocolate... I enjoy the occasional Snickers though.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? Canada vs someone in Fifa over ten years ago, it rained a lot which was unfortunate because soccer is very much outside. It was fun enough, but I’ve never been super into sports, my dad and sibling loved it though.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? Not counting humming along to my piano, I said goodnight to my mom.

8. what is your favorite ice cream? cookie dough or butterscotch swirl.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? Sodastream orange soda

10. do you like your wallet? Very much, it’s BB-8!

11. what is the last thing you ate? spaghettini smothered in parmesan cheese

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? nope

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? I dunno, probably some bits and pieces of hockey or soccer on tv?

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Very specifically love the cheddar from this local place, absolutely fantastic, 10/10. Also love Smartfood white cheddar and also just regular popcorn with melted butter.

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? my boyfriend

16. ever been camping? yes, so many times growing up, used to go at least once every summer. I miss it. 

17. do you take vitamins? I try to, I have forgotten for the past month or so, they are definitely needed courtesy of my inability to eat a lot of things.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? Sort of, I try to, I’m a preacher’s kid, but I also get bad insomnia - like went to work on less than an hour of sleep the other day bad - and accidentally sleep instead. It was very pathetic that I couldn’t even get myself out of bed and into the kitchen when we were doing our services as livestreams from home.

19. do you have a tan? No, I kind of did this summer but it’s gone again. Generally I try to cover myself in sunscreen and avoid tanning because I have the complexion of an anemic vampire and I don’t tan, I just burn and then it fades, and I HATE it. 

20. do you prefer chinese or pizza? Pizza, 

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? Depends on how coordinated I’m feeling, but probably should use my straws more often, regardless of what I’m drinking. I frequently spill water on myself when I try to drink.

22. what color socks do you usually wear? black

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? Occasionally a couple kilometers over by accident, mostly I just walk places since I don’t have my own car. (do have my full G, cars are just too expensive)

24. what terrifies you? So so so many things. Spiders, being abandoned, losing loved ones, bitchy customers at work who don’t know how to read a menu

25. look to your left, what do you see? my wall

26. what chore do you hate most? Currently hating packing and I haven’t even started really beyond taking empty boxes from work oops

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? Ok so 99.9% of the time wen I hear an Australian accent it is Siri on my boyfriend’s phone acting as a GPS and he likes to pretend to fight with Siri and be like “don’t tell me what to do” so I don’t really think anything so much as internally have a deep sigh and kind of laugh to myself. I love him.

28. what’s your favorite soda? Don’t really have one any more, used to be all over Pepsi but I’m trying to have less caffeine because insomnia and hoping cutting out caffeine helps (it hasn’t yet but oh well) so....

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I usually only ever really get fast food when I’m at work and it literally is my workplace so... I’m just already there, inside, behind the counter.

30. what’s your favorite number? A nat 20 on a D20 when playing Dungeons and Dragons.

31. who’s the last person you talked to? Not counting texts to my boyfriend, my mom

32. favorite meat? Chicken and fish, for fish specifically walleye/pickerel (ideally from NWO) and salmon

33. last song you listened to? So Soon by Marianas Trench because that piano part with Josh Ramsay’s vocals is just beautiful

34. last book you read? Currently working through Axiom’s End by Lindsay Ellis and Spine of the Dragon by Kevin J Anderson for physical books and listening to Clash of Kings for audiobook.

35. favorite day of the week? Monday because that is my therapy and piano lesson day, the one day a week I always consistently know what I’m doing, other days are uncertain because work schedule is different every week.

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? I can barely say it normally.

37. how do you like your coffee? Nonexistant, the smell makes me nauseous.

38. favorite pair of shoes? My new work shoes, specifically because they’re new and therefore not falling apart.

39. time you normally get up? Depends on what my work schedule is.

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunset

41. how many blankets on your bed? 5? I think? If I counted right.

42. describe your kitchen plates: white

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: An island, cupboards, a stove, a dishwasher, a fridge, usually the dog is there begging for treats because she knows exactly where they are. I dunno, it’s a kitchen

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? Mike’s Hard Lemonade is always good, I also like mixing Sourpuss with Sprite or ginger ale, I like both the raspberry and green apple. 

45. do you play cards? No.

46. what color is your car? My parents have a white car, I am helping my boyfriend pay for his truck, he calls it our truck but it’s really his, the truck is silver

47. can you change a tire? I helped my dad change one once way back in high school, haven’t done it since, definitely don’t remember.

48. your favorite state or province? Gonna sound so Ontario-centric if I say Ontario but yeah.... But not south Ontario, specifically northwest Ontario, which really should be its own province. Manitoba’s nice too. Like I live here now but not big on South Ontario. Niagara is kinda pretty but please just send me back up north.

49. favorite job you’ve had? Honestly my current job. Like there are times that it sucks but I’ve been here over a year and the competition is housekeeping (dead body, deer skull, people getting drunk and puking all over the bathrooms) and that time I got screamed at by an alcoholic woman when I was 17 for “blowing off shifts” that I wasn’t even scheduled for when I had a throat infection and then asking for time off when my grandpa died (literally screamed at me day of) so like... yeah, McDonald’s is actually heavenly in comparison.

Tagging @autie-j and @bb8-boppity-boo

[argylemnwrites]

Why?

Pairing: Seth Levine x MC (Jessica Parker)

Book: Red Carpet Diaries (~Book 3, Chapter 3)

Word Count: ~1400

Rating:  PG

Summary: A simple question from Seth prompts a lot of introspection from Jessica. Why do things feel more unsettled after their engagement than they did before?

Author’s Note: Written for Day 7 of the Choices July Challenge (prompt - Reflection).

Why is it that all I am writing these days are ways to explain canon content from PB? While I don’t have an objection to PB allowing players to decide whether or not they want an open relationship in RCD, the way it was executed, coming a long way into a relationship and only after a proposal felt strange and pretty out of character for Seth. This is my attempt to process how that question would sit with my MC, as well as dealing with the fact that MC in this book seems to rarely spend any time with her LI.

Jessica scrolled through Netflix, trying to settle on something to watch. Plenty of things seemed like they would be fine, but what if there was something better? She knew she was being indecisive. But to be fair, this wasn’t usually her job; Seth would always pick something out.

She sighed. They hadn’t seen much of each other since they returned from Hawaii. He’d left the next night to headline some comedy shows further north along the Left Coast, starting in San Francisco and ending in Seattle. And between his late nights and her early morning meetings, there hadn’t even really been much time to chat. His phone call yesterday was the only time they had really spoken.

As great as it had been to hear his voice, she couldn’t help but be a bit unsettled by the whole topic of conversation. Why had he suddenly asked her if she wanted an open relationship? They had been exclusive with each other since the whole fake-dating thing with Chadley well over a year ago. He was the one to propose, so reluctance at taking that next step didn’t really make sense. She just didn’t understand where this was coming from.

I mean, they were both small town midwesterners, for Pete’s sake! She had always assumed that they were on the same page here, both having been raised where monogamy and relationship were equivalent terms. And maybe if he had wanted to clarify the expectations of their relationship ages ago, when it was all still new and fresh, she could have understood it. No harm in being explicitly clear, after all. But for the question to come up now? Well, it just didn’t sit right with her.

She thought she’d stayed pretty calm through the actual conversation, but she couldn’t stop her mind from drifting back to it repeatedly over the past 24 hours, reflecting on why he’d ask her such a question. One reason kept worming it’s way back into her mind - he met someone else he wanted to sleep with at his San Fran show.

It was the only thing that made sense. And while she didn’t think that he would actually cheat on her, the fact that he was so tempted that he asked her about opening up their relationship? Well, it made her feel sick to her stomach. Seth had always felt like home, the Midwest personified. He was warm and caring and kind-hearted and so free from pretense and manipulation, no matter how jaded his years as a struggling comic and screenwriter had made him. This was the first time he felt like Hollywood. Jessica hated it.

She knew that it wasn’t always easy for the two of them, with their busy careers that kept them apart more often than they’d like. And maybe it was naive of her to expect that she would be enough, that Seth wouldn’t sometimes just need to satisfy that physical urge. She also knew that Seth still struggled with the fact that his career as a standup really only gained traction after the two of them were consistently linked together in the tabloids. She knew it ate him up inside that his success was not just due to his own talent, and no reassurances on her part that he was too funny to not have succeeded eventually, that all their relationship did was gain him some initial attention, but everything he received after that was rightfully his, could ever fully soothe his doubts and insecurities. She couldn’t help but think that if a man or woman at one of his sets showed an interest in him for his own talent alone, that maybe, just maybe, it would be tempting.

Jessica clicked off her TV in frustration. Sitting here worrying wasn’t going to change the situation. What she really needed was to see Seth face-to-face, to look him in the eye to better understand where he was coming from. But that wasn’t going to happen until he got back in town. So, for the next four days, she threw herself into planning for her film, taking notes on different chapters, rereading her favorite portions, trying to keep positive about the relationship she’d been sure was the most steady thing in her life. But all too often, she found herself wondering who it could have been that caught his eye.

The morning Seth was scheduled to arrive back in LA, Jessica awoke with nervous knots in her stomach, and not the excited kind. She was bracing herself for what was bound to be an awkward conversation. Unfortunately, her planned talk was pushed back even further when Seth texted her that his flight got cancelled due to no available flight crew. He was able to get himself on a flight back later that evening, but Jessica had committed to a nightclub appearance as part of her promotional work for her most recent film, meaning she would be tied up by the time his flight landed. Resigning herself to not settling things with him until the next morning, she went through her day in a haze, her mind dwelling on who this person was that was so appealing, Seth just had to call and test the waters to see if she would be cool with him sleeping around. She barely touched her drinks at the nightclub, unsure how much alcohol she could handle before she’d be sick, so nervous about everything right now.

Finally, her phone buzzed that it was 1 am. Her contractual obligations were complete, and she was in a car headed home by 1:01. When she finally reached her high rise, she was exhausted and ready to head straight to bed. Opening the door after the elevator ride to the top floor that seemed to take forever, she stumbled over something, nearly crashing into her console table. Glancing down to see what she’d gotten her heels tangled in, she was pleasantly surprised to find a pair of sneakers much larger than anything she would wear.

Although she and Seth had keys to each other’s places, they usually chose to spend the night at their own if either one had work obligations, although Jessica realized they should probably revisit the topic of living together now that they were engaged. Or at least, they should revisit it if they were still on the same page here. A lot felt up in the air right now.

Slipping off her stilettos, Jessica headed into her bedroom. The vice around her heart loosened instantly upon seeing Seth passed out on her bed, his curly hair disheveled from sleep. He was still fully dressed, clearly planning on waiting up for her. But his fatigue from the past few days of travel must have caught up to him, as he was snoring faintly, even though the bedroom was still fully illuminated. The fact that he’d even made the decision to come to hers, in spite of his clear exhaustion, knowing she wouldn’t be home until so late, well that alone killed so many of her fears.

Tiptoeing into her closet, Jessica slipped into a cozy sweater and some comfy leggings before washing her face, brushing her teeth and throwing her mess of curls up for sleep. She tried to sit down gingerly on her side of the bed, not wanting to disturb Seth, but her weight on the mattress woke him up anyway. He blinked a few times, trying to orient himself, before he his eyes locked on her face laying down across from him. His face broke into a goofy grin before he lifted his arm, inviting her into his arms. As she scooted over, she felt less tense by the moment, although the last tendrils of doubt remained.

“Hey, Iowa.” His voice was thick with sleep.

“Hey yourself.” Jessica took a breath, preparing herself for the words she’d rehearsed in her head over the past several days, but before she could even begin, another snore rumbled through Seth’s chest. Shaking her head, Jessica reached over and turned off the lamp, dousing the room in a cozy darkness. This talk could wait until tomorrow. Right now, it was clear that there was no other bed Seth wanted to be in, and for tonight, that would have to be enough.

Tags: @mfackenthal @kinda-iconic @choicesjulychallenge

[alitheamateur]

The Grind- Chapter 26

“You sure about this place, babe? How come you don’t just wanna grab some coffee from The Grind and go back to crash on the couch at home?” I asked as Colton pulled open my passenger side door to walk hand-in-hand with me down the sidewalk.

Luckily, I cautioned Tia’s persistent advice at dinner last night, and limited myself to only three glasses of wine, and one measly shot of Patron. So, Colton’s 7 a.m. feisty bite to the exposed skin of my cheek under the sheet as my wake-up call, wasn’t ruined with a blistering hangover. He was adamant about taking me to some diner he’d heard about from one of the guys at the bike shop to try their German potato pancakes that he was just so certain I’d love, and I was a sucker for a languid, sweatpants breakfast date every now and then. 

“It’ll be fine, Livvy. Let’s enjoy some good grub, then I promise we’ll squeeze in a nap before we head to the gym later. Deal?”

He kissed the fingers that were interlocked with his own, then smiled mischievously as we slipped inside, escaping the rustling winds of the morning. We didn’t stop at the ‘wait to be seated sign’, instead Colt scanned the room, peeping over the full booths and tables around the room.

“C’mon, I see an empty table over here, babe.” he pointed, tugging me not so gently to the left of the hostess stand.

“Colton, we have to wai-,” I started to argue with his bullish, bizarre behavior, but before I could state my objections, reality slapped me across the face.

Seated with their backs to us, both sipping on a black cup of the house blend, were two Indiana natives, very far from home. Mom turned around to investigate the bustling approach over her shoulder, and stood to push herself from the seat with an unsure smile.

“Wh-..how did you guys get here? What’s going on?” I babbled wrapping a halfhearted, confused embrace around her neck, searching for an explanation from someone in the party of 3.

“It was all sweet, Colton, Liv honey. He arranged the whole thing. He insisted we come.” mom confessed, admiring Colton with a look of appreciation.

“I wanted ‘em here to see you fight, baby. And to see the house and everythin’. They got here yesterday afternoon, and I got them all set up at Westin, and ate dinner with the both of ‘em last night to get familiar.”

The pieces started to connect then. Why Tia was so snarky with keeping me away from the bottle, why Colton was so incessant about dragging me out of the house before 9 a.m. this morning, and why there was a button-down dress shirt discarded into the hamper when I did laundry after a late return home last night. I internally tipped a hat to his successful undercover moonlighting, though.

“Kid wouldn’t take a dime from us, either. Paid for the tickets, a ride from the airport, and our room, too. Seems we owe this one, sweetheart.” I heard dad say as I took one of the empty seats across the table from he and mom.

Their visit may not have been on my terms, or my timing, but I did feel complete having them here. Although there was a suitcase of nerves that landed on that plane along with their arrival to Pittsburgh, it just felt, right. The four of us, together, all in one place had me swelling with a sense of gladness and completion, all courtesy of the mysterious man in blue seated to my right.

“I can’t believe you did all this, Ritter. I expect a play-by-play when we get home, ya’ big box of lies.” I leaned to kiss him sincerely.

“I’m pretty impressed with myself to tell the truth.”

The meal consisted of bacon all around, mom whining about the cold temperature, those potato cakes Colton was correct about me losing my mind over, and a general calm, steady flow of conversation. I was impressed at how normal, and interested Tony and Liz seemed to be the entire time. Dad never brought up a single utterance of basketball, and mom pounded me with questions about my match, and what it would be like. I felt a connection so genuine that had been minuscule for so many years, and I knew Colton played a tremendous role in the healing psychological wounds.

“You guys should come by the house and spend the afternoon with us. All my stuff is moved in, and it doesn’t look like a construction site anymore. Mom, we could swing by the food market to get what you need for gran’s jambalaya for dinner, too!”

My inner, overly-eager, rambunctious childlike manner took me over, and I instantly began bulleting out an itinerary of events. I’d have to take mom to meet Andrew, and she would die over the Americana at The Grind. And dad, maybe Colton and I could take him to the trolley museum and a PNC park tour in the next couple of days.

“Livvy, we’ve got to try and get to the gym for a few hours today. It’s down to crunch time, babe,” Colt reminded me with apologetic tone. “But, we can check them out their room, and settle ‘em in at the house first, okay?”

Of course, the gym. This week wouldn’t be one of family dinners and touristy adventures with the fight countdown fuse burning low. And now, I had even more work to do down at Temple Fitness with my parents in attendance. The weight of potentially letting Colton, Tia, and the rest of my corner down was sickening enough, now add the weight of Tony and Elizabeth and you’ve got one wound tight Liv. Perfectionism is a weakness not all can relate to, and of that they should be eternally thankful. I failed my Warrior teammates and the rest of my small-town not so many years ago, and that disappointment in itself nearly disconnected me entirely. I may have grown and evolved in many ways since relocating to the Pittsburgh, but the will to please my loved ones was a quality I would undoubtedly live with until my final breath.

“You do whatever needs to be done today, sweetheart. I know these next few days are crucial, so don’t mind us. We’ll take whatever time you can give us.” my mom pats my hand from across the table, and shot and thoughtful smirk.

“We’re just happy to be here, Livvy. You’ve got a good one there.” My dad’s opinion of the man I loved was never considered to be a worry I had, but in that moment, I couldn’t have been more prideful in how truly wonderful Colton had been to them, and to me for organizing this little surprise.

 After dragging my parents’ belongings up the front steps of our home, and leaving them the keys to my car in case they got the pangs to explore around a bit, Colton and myself dutifully reported for in for a session down to the gym. The last couple days I had been studying up on a submission move I really wanted to try out. The Omoplata essentially was a move to apply unbearable stress on the arm of your opponent, inevitably resulting in a tap out. Tia, nor Colton had introduced me to the technique, but it was one I had stumbled upon doing some research on my own one afternoon during some down time at the Pilot office. Having never actually seen it done in reality, I only had internet tutorials, and other martial arts circuit fights that had been posted online to educate myself.

Upon trucking into the somewhat crowded parking lot, and settling my duffle into a locker down the hall from the ring room, Tia had called to say something had soured in her stomach, and she wouldn’t be making it in to train with us today unless I wanted to mop up her throw-up. Naturally, I insisted she stay in and recover, leaving me in the hands of Colt.

“Grab the rope, let’s warm up for 10 minutes after you stretch, babe.” my handsome trainer instructed as he downed the settlings of a pre-workout drink at the bottom of his cup.

“Did you remember to tell dad about the construction on Liberty bridge in case they decide to venture out of the house?” My voice vibrated as I bounced with the whip-like jump rope.

“Yep, as we were walkin’ out the front door, Liv. Don’t worry, ‘ight? They’ll be fine. I gotta say though, I wasn’t expectin’ ya’ to be so thrilled about ‘em being here.”

I was fairly flabbergasted myself in that matter, but I had no explanation for my nervous excitement. I guess, maybe it was the common cliché of not knowing how much you in fact needed something, until you had it.

“Thank you, handsome. I really am glad you did all that. Although, I’m a little concerned with all the unsuspected sneaking around you were able to get away with.” I smirked, dropping the braided rope to adjust the tightness of my messy bun.

“It nearly got the best ‘a me lying to you like that, but it was for good reason, at least. Except, them being at the house every night for the next few days may turn out to be a little problem. Seein’ as their daughter can’t keep her greedy little hands off me & all…” he teased unnlacing his trainers to pull of his socks before we moved into the ring. He was knelt on one knee just a foot or two behind where I stood, then inched over in that crouched position to friskily bite the pert cheek of my backside, and grabbed a handful of the other.

I’d never get tired of those stout, mitt-like hands of his touching my body, and I let my head drop backward a bit to sigh into his touch. If by some unfortunate event, things between us happen to fall to pieces again, no man would ever live up to the bar set by the infamous Colton Ritter.  

“I can manage a little self-control, you animal. Let’s make a bet on who caves in first, shall we?” I said, stepping over the middle rope of the mat.

“You better be careful playin’ with fire girl. You may get burned.”

 We had bounced around, grappling and rolling for nearly an hour already, with just a couple rushed breaks for water, and I still hadn’t built up the courage to try the move I had been so eager to crack at. I welcomed the respect that Colton had to never half-ass me when we did train one-on-one, however always extremely careful to make sure I was never harmed in any way. His insights, and words of wisdom related to the cage were something I considered to be a matchless gift, and I loved him eternally for offering it up.

Just as I was about to weigh the Omoplata to be the impossible, especially considering my mock opponent at the current time, Colton let down a wall, and broke his own most crucial ‘golden rule’ of fighting. He attempted to tangle me, but instead, mistakenly gave me his back, awarding me the perfect moment to pounce. I pinched his shoulder between the bones of my knees, then swung one leg hurriedly over his head. Colton’s arm was trapped between the center of my limbs, essentially hooked around my left thigh as I crossed my ankles. I flattened his chest and face to the mat with speed I didn’t know I had, and swung my legs to the side, easing into a squat with his helpless arm still locked in. The stretching pressure of his muscle grew the higher I raised, and defeated, Colton yelped out with a tap.

Instantly releasing, I tumbled to my back, and laid to rest with exasperating breaths. Executing the technique on an individual with such a powerful strength, was equally as exhausting on the attacker as the victim, and I could feel my blood tingling, and rushing through my veins like the Colorado rapids.

“I sure as hell don’t fuckin’ remember teachin’ you that, 2-1,” my captor said still face planted onto the canvas, almost cackling. “But you pulled it off with damn near perfection. I’m impressed, baby!”

“That one is just a little something I picked up on my own. Coach…” I replied, mounting his back to massage his shirtless shoulders.

Colton flipped, doing a 180 to now laying on his back, with me still atop him with a sweaty, rosy face.

“Oh, so she thinks she can pin me now, huh? Don’t get too comfortable up there, Elliott. You know I don’t do bottom.”

TAGS: @torialeysha @eap1935 @littleluna98 @mollybegger-blog

[lovemesomesurveys]

What’s the most played song on your iPod? I haven’t used my iPod since 2012. I use Spotify on my phone, but I don’t think it tells you what your most played song is. What is one quality you admire most in others? People who are driven and get shit done. What would you do with a million dollars? Sigh. I’d have to first and foremost pay off my debt. I’d also help my parents and brother out. I’d get us a new house. Traveling is a must. What’s your favorite song to dance to? I don’t dance. Well, unless you count a little head bobbin’ and maybe a little movement of my arms or shoulders. lol. What would your ideal birthday party be like? I’m 30 and old so I don’t look forward to my birthday anymore, ha. If I were able to travel for my birthday then that would be nice.

If you could be reincarnated into anything you wanted, what would it be? I don’t want to be reincarnated. I don’t believe in it. What talent would you like to have? A talent at all would be cool, but in particular I wish I had any artistic ability or was musically inclined.  Are you ticklish? Just my neck. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 30+ hours. What New Year’s resolutions did you make? I don’t make those anymore. What are three songs that mean the most to you? Everlong (acoustic) by Foo Fighters, Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd, and... I’ve having a hard time choosing a 3rd. There’s so many songs that mean something to me for one reason or another. So many memories and emotions. Who is the one person you miss the most? There’s 3 someones.  What do you think of your parents? I love them with all my heart. I couldn’t keep going if I didn’t have them. My mom and I are super close, she’s my rock. What is one thing you would do to make the world better? I don’t know what I could do. What is your favorite kind of sandwich? My sandwiches at home consist of bologna, sharp cheddar cheese, mayo, mustard, and spinach with olive oil on the side mixed with basil and oregano for dipping. At my favorite deli I get turkey, salami, provolone, mustard, mayo, and oil and vinegar. If you had a puppy, what would you name it? My doggo’s name is Princess Leia. She’s 2, but she’ll always be my puppy. (: If I were to get another dog; though... I’m not sure what I would name him/her, but it’d also be after a character. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? I don’t know.  How much cash do you have on you right now? Zero. What do you think makes you attractive to other people? Nothing. Would more money make you happier? It would help with a lot, but I wouldn’t be cured of my mental and physical health. I’d still have that baggage. Money isn’t magic. What is one of your favorite memories as a child? So many. I loved my childhood. It’s not that I didn’t have any struggles or obstacles, cause I did, but honestly that’s not what stands out. I was a strong, brave, resilient kid. Kid me would be so disappointed in current me. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life? I’ve had a lot of struggles. How do you measure intelligence? I don’t know. There’s issues with the IQ test for one. Grades aren’t accurate representations of intelligence either; neither are exams. It’s a complicated thing.

What cartoons do you watch? Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and Doug. Have you ever used drugs? Only weed. If you were a Skittle, what flavor would it be? The red one I guess that’s the only one I liked. How would you describe your style? Very casual, ha. I wear leggings and oversized graphic tees. If you had to spend $1,000 in one hour, how would you spend it? Christmas presents for my family. What’s your favorite smell and why? I have many. Where do you buy your clothes? Mostly Hot Topic, Boxlunch, and Kohl’s.  What’s your favorite kind of cake? White cake with buttercream frosting, funfetti/rainbow chip with funfetti/rainbow chip frosting, red velvet with cream cheese frosting, lemon with lemon frosting, and strawberry with strawberry frosting. Does intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe? I don’t think there is in space, but what do I know. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? I’m good right now. Are you into tattoos? Nah. Do you like photography? I mean, sure? I’m not a photographer, but I can appreciate nice photos. If you were a holiday, which one would you be? I love Christmas, but I’d probably be Halloween cause it’s dark and gloom, ha. Do you have any siblings? I have 2 brothers. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be of? I’ve wanted to get free bird tattooed on my inner wrist for several years, but I highly doubt I’ll ever get it done. What’s the biggest celebrity you’ve ever seen in real life? Jamie Lee Curtis. I met her at a book signing years ago. How many pushups can you do? Zero. What person in history do you admire most? There’s a lot of admirable people in history. Who is your favorite actor? Alexander Skarsgard. What is the most daring thing that you have done in public? Nothing. Have you ever lied about your age? Only back during the AOL chat room days. :X Have you ever cried while watching a movie? If so, what movie? Yeah, I’m not usually one to cry during a movie, at most I may tear up a little, but there’s been a few who have managed to get me. When The Fault in our Stars came out I ended up seeing it by myself cause no one else I knew wanted to see it and I was in there bawling my eyes out lmao so it was better that I went alone. The Avengers: Endgame definitely got me. Are you afraid of anything that most people are not afraid of? Probably a few things.  Where do you see yourself five years from now? I just gotta take it day by day. What is your favorite candy? I haven’t had any candy in like over a year, but Reese’s are always a good choice. And white chocolate.  Have you ever watched someone struggle with addiction? Yes. Who do you look up to for your style? I don’t look up to anyone for my style.  Who is your favorite sports team? I don’t care about sports at all. How often do you drink alcohol? It’s been 6 years since I last had any alcohol.  What is your life in three words? Blah, bleh, and meh. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be? Healthy. Would you have a pet dragon? If so what color would it be? Um, no. I’m no mother of dragons or whatever. What’s your favorite sport? None. Do you believe that homeless people are dangerous? Just because someone is homeless it doesn’t mean they’re dangerous. Sure, some homeless people can also be dangerous, but it’s not mutually exclusive. If you could be skinny and miserable or fat and happy, which would you be? Well, I’m skinny and miserable now. I’m not miserable because I’m skinny, but it is related to some of the issues I have and also adds to some. I just want to be healthy and happy. Period. If your life flashed before you, what do you wish you would have done? I want to do something meaningful with my life.  If you were to invent something, what would it be? I have no idea. Who would you like to get to know better? No one at the moment. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I’ve had two. Do you fear death? Yes, of both losing my loved ones and dying myself. What is the strangest food you ever ate? I don’t eat anything I consider strange. I’m so picky and basic. Do you think you’re cool? Nope. I’m definitely not. What reality show would you like to be on? None. What’s your favorite thing to order at a Chinese food restaurant? Chow mien, pot stickers, egg rolls, and crab rangoon. I used to love orange chicken and kung pao chicken, but I can’t either one anymore due to the spicy food sensitivity I developed a few years ago. As someone who was once obSESSED with spicy food... it sucks. Are you happy with your life? No. If you could name your own planet, what would you call it? Planet Nowhere. I know that’s already a thing, but shh pretend it’s not. If you could live another 200 years. What would you hope to see? Oh yikes. I mean, the future terrifies me and I don’t want live 200 years, but I am curious about what the world will be like then. Like the advancements made and such. Hopefully it’s not worse... Would you rather be hot or cold? Cold. Definitely. How would you rate yourself? In the negatives. Would you ever move to a different country in an attempt to start over? Not another country, but another city, maybe even another state, yes. My family and I want to move out of here. If you could be a character from any book, who would you be? Hmm. Do you prefer taking baths or showers? I only take showers. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. Do you still collect toys from Happy Meals? No. I heard they were bringing back popular ones from my childhood; though, and I kinda want to get those. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Uhhhh. I have no idea. I’m not the most spontaneous person. In your opinion what is the greatest challenge the world faces today? * Like, the world or jst humanity? Bc I think humanity is its own worst enemy <<< Most definitely. Do you like dogs or cats better? Cats are cute and all, but I’m a dog person all the way. What have you achieved that you once thought was impossible? Earlier this year I got really sick and it knocked me flat on my ass, causing a lot of issues and setbacks. I didn’t think I’d be able to get to where I am now, which still isn’t good, but not like it was then. It was just really, really bad. If an ex texted you out of the blue, how would you respond? I probably wouldn’t even respond at all to be honest. Do you have a favorite poet? No. What have you tried to quit, but weren’t able to? Picking my nails, picking at/biting my lips, and picking at acne. Would you rather go on a shopping spree with $200 or put it in the bank? Put it in the bank. What was the last rumor that you heard? *shrug* What country star would you most like to meet and why? Blake Shelton. He seems cool. Have you ever been in a car accident? No. Are you an organ donor? No. What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done? Not taking care of myself like I should be...not doing and neglecting certain things.  What is the meaning of life? Uhhh. What word do you like the sound of? I can’t think of an example right now. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry. Wow, I haven’t had ice cream in like 3 or 4 years.  Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? I like both.  Are you an athlete? Nope. There’s nothing athletic about me at all. What did the last text message on your phone say? I don’t feel like checking. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen in your whole entire lifetime? Hmm. I don’t know what I’d choose as the funniest movie ever of all time. What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had? Losing my mom in one and my brother in another. I woke up literally shaking and sobbing. What do you know how to cook? Ramen. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had, and what was it from? The one that made me a paraplegic takes the cake I’d say. What’s your favorite amusement park ride? Most of the rides at Disneyland. What do you wish you were doing right now? I’m fine with doing this. Who are your musical influences? I don’t have any. I’m not an artist or musically inclined at all. What was your favorite band or musician when you were 12? The popular artists and groups at that time circa 2001. What’s the best pick-up line that’s ever been tried on you? I’ll never forget this one guy in high school who actually came up to me and asked me my sign lol. How many drinks can you handle? I was a lightweight. What was the longest phone conversation you’ve ever had? A few hours. I can’t believe I actually used to spend that much time on the phone at one point. What’s your favorite candle scent? Autumnal ones from Bath & Body Works are great.

[hollandroos]

Blow a kiss, Fire a Gun | Pt.3

Teaser Pt.1 Pt.2 | TOM HOLLAND MOB AU

Do you guys prefer a shorter (2k-2.5k) post ever 2-3 days or a longer post (3-4k) every 4 days?

Words: 2.6K

Summary: You’re arranged to marry Tom Holland, Londons most feared mobster, but it’s never easy. He doesn’t seem to want you and you don’t want anything to do with him.

For the longest time, Tom only knew what it was like to be controlling, demanding and overall cruel. He ran the biggest mob in all of London so the boy didn’t have time for fun. He couldn’t just go bowling with his mates on the weekends or spend the early hours of the morning in a pub, downing unacceptable amounts of alcohol, no matter how much he wanted too in the earlier years. His life consisted of keeping a straight face and keeping everything under control. The only thing he hadn’t had control over was you, and now that he’d met you he doubted you were the type to go ahead and submit to him.

Over the last couple of days, he’d learnt your schedule, he’d worked out typically what time you got out of bed, ate your meals if you ever visited the library etc and he worked out how to dodge you. It wasn’t that. No, he definitely wasn’t a fan of this at all, despite the flirty, confident front he put up. There was something about you but Tom was not prepared to get off of his high horse just yet.

Shutting the lid of his laptop and shoving the pens back in their holder, Tom looked up at his father who had been patiently sitting on the other side of the desk for the last five minutes, waiting for his son to finish whatever important business he was attending.

Tom could easily remember being a kid, sitting behind his father's desk and watching the way his father acted. Taking in exactly how he spoke to his men and dealt with those that did him wrong. He would sometimes sit downstairs eagerly, waiting for his father to finish a meeting so that he could learn all about it, who did them wrong or if any new deals had come up. His parents use to say that Tom was a born leader, always taking the front stand.

But Tom also watched how his father interacted with his family, around Nicki and Dom had tried to teach his son that there was a line between work and family. There was a time and place to be closed off, and there was a time and place to be loving. So he didn’t understand how his son had turned out so stone cold.

“Tom, you have an important event coming up and I was hoping you’d take Y/N” Dom ignored the way his son tensed. “She hasn’t left the house since she came here days ago” He truly did look up to his father, but sometimes he wondered why.

Dom fiddled with one of the objects Tom kept on his desk. Tom favoured his office, it was secluded, a room that he controlled who could come in and out of and one that he preferred to spend most of his days in.

Tom shrugged, wanting to try and end the conversation as quickly as possible but with his father, he knew that this could be as long or as short as he desired. “She can leave anytime she wants.”

“With what, Thomas? A car?” Dom knew he was right, the poor girl didn’t have any sorts of transportation, despite Tom probably owning one or more too many cars. “Take her out, get to know her and who knows, maybe you’ll hit it off”

“What happens then? We live happily ever after like you and mum?” Dom flinched slightly as Tom stood up, smacking his hands down on the desk. “News flash, father, Y/N and I were forced together because of a stupid contract that we couldn’t worm ourselves out of, you and Mom fell in love”

“This girl is really making an impression isn’t she?” The tension in the room was unreal and it made Dom nod because in one way or another, you were getting to Tom. Whether it was frustrating him beyond the point of acceptance or slowly making your way into his heart. “What’s going to happen when we need someone to take over the mob? This job was given to you, Tom. Not Sam or Harry. It’s your job to keep it going, don’t forget that I can replace you with one of them with the snap of my fingers.”      

“We’re not talking about kids-”

“You had years to prepare yourself for this, boy. Years to sleep around and do whatever the hell you wanted but it’s real now, You can either accept her and make this girl a part of your life or pretend that she doesn’t exist, make her just another person under your roof and live a miserable life.” He stopped there, deciding that it was too soon to tell Tom about the other part of the contract.

“I’ll take her to the event, but don’t expect us to be in love by tomorrow… or at all”

“You tell me this now, boy, but I give up a few months and you’ll be on your knees for her”

Tom simply rolled his eyes, taking a sip of the cold coffee he’d had sitting in his office for the last hour and grimaced. He didn’t fall to his knees for anyone. Dom on the other hand, felt elated. It was early days but he could already see his plan working, the same one that’d been years in the making.

“If it isn’t the troublemaker”

You spun around, placing the cereal box down and facing Harrison. He wore a cocky smirk, one that reminded you oddly of Tom. Tom, you hadn’t seen him in days. “Ahh, it’s the sidekick, nice to see you again”

You walked out of the kitchen, heading over to the couch in the living room that only seemed to be bigger than your previous home..“If we’re going to be seeing a lot more of each other you may as well call me Harrison”

“We’ll see, I don’t expect to be here for long” You placed a spoon in your bowl and sat next to Harrison on the couch. You looked up to see that he was watching Magic Mike and snickered.

He faced you, pausing the movie. “What? Wanna see the real thing?”

You’d gotten used to his playful banter over the last few days, often brushing past him in the living room that still managed to blow your mind. It was an elegant room with two grey couches, large flat screen tv and a coffee table. There were, of course, a few other accents that you haven't paid too much attention too yet.

“Go for it” You knew it was a joke, this was merely a conversation with a flirty undertone, nothing more, nothing less. It wasn’t hard to tell that Harrison was fit underneath his clothing, the boy was like a walking god.

“I think Tom would snap my neck if I did that, he’s very protective over what’s his”

You stopped your movements, screwing up your face when Harrison labelled you as Tom’s as if you were nothing but an object. Harrison said it as if it were nothing. It made you angry, an emotion that you was far too common at this point. Placing your half-eaten bowl of cereal on the table, you turn towards him.

“I’m not his, I never will be”

Harrison noticed your sudden anger and twisted his eyebrows. “I mean, you are his wife and in his books-”

“His books are irrelevant” The movie was now forgotten as you tried to forget what Harrison had just said.

“Whose books are irrelevant?” A new voice said, both of you looked towards the door to see Tom leaning against it, making Harrison stand up but you stayed seated. Toms' eyes bored into the two of you accusingly and you couldn’t deny the shiver that ran through you. He still frightened you, but still, your walls stayed up.

You asked yourself how much he’d heard, whether or not he actually thought of you as his and if he’d really snap Harrison's neck if he made a move, but still, a remark fell from your lips.

“Does it matter?” Tom found your sarcasm almost inviting, nodding his head at Harrison who got up, giving you a curt nod before walking out, leaving you alone with the same person that you’d been trying to ignore for days, not so unbeknownst to you he’d been dodging you too.

You definitely didn’t hate Harrison, he seemed like a fun person to be around and you could only ask yourself how he got himself situated with Tom.

“What’ve you been up too, princess?” You shrugged, ignoring his gaze. “I have something to ask you”

Your eyes widened, mouth drying up because god he could want anything from you and chances were that he could get it. Who knew that after your antics the other day you’d be straight back at square one, stuttering and flustering under his gaze.

Being alone with Tom wasn’t like how it was three days ago. Then, you wanted to get on his nerves but now, you didn’t want to push your luck.

“I have an event coming up in two days and according to my father, I need a date”

Of course, he needs to play happy families. “Why don’t you ask one of your other women?”

“Sweetpea, you’re my only lady” You rolled your eyes, not falling for his words. He surely had a line of woman at the door, waiting for his instructions and you refused to be one of the ones that’d fall to their knees for him.

“What if I don’t want to go?”

You noticed how the red and black striped shirt hugged his muscles, the shirt tightening whenever he tensed. Tom was surely attractive, beyond that even but he was also terrifying, alarming and sent bundles of nerves down your spine when he so much as glanced at you the wrong way.

“Then you can sit here and moop all you like, I’m not stopping you but I thought you’d like to go out”

Every fibre of your body was screaming at you to say no, to refuse his offer and walk out but there was a part of you that was bored beyond comparison. You missed human interaction, but these people were probably dangerous. You missed having fun and letting go, but would Tom let you let go?

“Aren’t the people there going to be dangerous?” Tom smiled cheekily, knowing that you were debating actually attending with him. “Besides what will I wear? I didn’t exactly get to bring a large range of clothing with me”

“Darling, no one will even think of messing with you considering you’ll stick with me.” The other question was no issue for him. “I can get you a dress in time, don’t stress” He found that amusing, that you thought someone would try and mess with what was his.

You nodded, still unsure if this was the right thing but you needed this, a little time to socialize and get out of the house.

“Where is this event?”

Deciding not to answer that question yet, Tom simply shook his head, already picturing the type of dress he wanted you in. “If you knew, you’d back out and I can’t have that”

Before you could question why he wouldn’t tell you or why that cocky smirk returned to his face, the door opened and a small dog came bounding in, her tongue sticking out of her mouth as she ran to Tom.

Tom seemed delighted to see her, getting down on his knees and petting her head to which you stepped back slowly, thinking that if this was Tom’s dog then was probably anything but nice to strangers.

“Hey sweet pea, I missed you” He coed. “Darling, this is Tessa” Tom watched as your eyes widened and you stepped behind him slowly. It wasn’t that you disliked dogs, no, you were just on edge about dogs that you hadn’t met before.

“Does she bite?” The dog sat in front of Tom instead of bearing its teeth and you relaxed slightly. Quite frankly she was adorable, the little grey Staffy lifted its tail, wagging it back and forth slightly.

“Tessa? Oh god, no,” he laughed, kneeling down to his dog and patting her head. She immediately began licking his face, her tail wagging excitedly as she tried to tackle her owner. “She’s the softest dog you’ll ever meet”

You couldn’t help the giggle that spilled from your lips as he smiled and spoke in a soft baby voice to his dog, but you hid it with a sarcastic comment. “Who knew Tom Holland had a soft spot for dogs, hmm?”

He went from cocky and sarcastic to soft in the span of only a few seconds, all because of a dog?

Tom tensed slightly when he heard your giggle, but he didn’t tense out of fear of being caught in a moment so few close to him ever saw. No, Tom tensed because he’d heard your laugh and liked it. “One dog, princess, I have a soft spot for one dog. She’s the only girl in my life”

The smile fell from your face when he said that, which didn’t go unnoticed by Tom as he continued to play with his dog.

“I thought you said five minutes ago that i was your only lady?” The line was nothing but a joke, a cocky remark but Tom thought otherwise.

“Is someone jealous?”

Scoffing, You get down on your knees, slowly reaching a hand out which the dog sniffed for a moment before plopping her head down, waiting for a pat which you gladly gave her. She seemed to like it too, rolling over and sticking her tongue out of her mouth happily. “Don’t think ahead of yourself, Holland, I still despise you”

Let me know what YOU want to read, I thrive on feedback/ideas

Part 4!

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[the-walking-memelords]

Allegiances: Chapter 6

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 7

Series is rated M

Word Count: 3731

Louis and Clementine share an emotional connection before leaving the school on what was supposed to be a simple scouting mission.

Read it on Ao3!

Read it on Wattpad!

Clementine fought to stay asleep. She didn’t want to leave the warmth that enveloped her, a feeling of safety that felt almost foreign. Though her eyes remained shut she could tell from the songs of the birds outside the window that day was upon them. A rhythmic thumping in her left ear began to lull her back into sleep before a light hand running through her hair made her realize what that sound really was. Her dry eyes stung as she opened them, all of the moisture being cried out a few hours earlier into his pine-green shirt.

“Good morning.” Louis said with a soft smile when he noticed her begin to stir on his chest, the two still wrapped up in his coat.

“Or, afternoon, I think. You slept for quite a while.”

Heat spread across her cheeks as she slowly removed herself from his embrace. They both remained seated on the floor, each leaning against opposite beds. She pulled her knees to her chest, embarrassed by how she acted that early morning.

“I’m… sorry, that you had to see that.” Her voice was hoarse and her face still felt sticky from the dried tears.

“...and that you had to sit here with me.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” He comforted.

“I just hope you’re feeling better.”

“I think so.” Her body was stiff and sore but she still felt better rested than any other day at the school.

“Thank you, for staying. You didn’t have to do that for me. I’m used to getting through this by myself.”

“But you shouldn't have to.” He leaned forward, his tone was almost pleading.

“You shouldn’t have to need to get through these things on your own. It isn’t fair to yourself.”.

Did she even have a choice? Talking about the things that plagued her mind was absolutely not an option. So how could Clementine open up without… opening up? She scratched at the callouses on her hands, unable to look him in the eye.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” He tried to meet her gaze but her eyes seemed more interested in the floorboards below them.

“I’m not gonna force you to talk about it. I’m just saying, it might help.”

“I don’t think I can.” She sighed.

“I understand. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll listen.” He managed to catch her eye, his smile contagiously causing the corners of her mouth to rise. She gave him a soft nod.

He only pitties you.

She flinched at the voice in her head. Intrusive thoughts talking too much sense.

“Why?” Clem questioned, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Why what?”

“Why do you care so much?” A little something at ate away at her heart.

“Because I know what it’s like to be surrounded by people and have no one to talk to.” Louis’ smile faded.

“The people here… they’re my family. But, they don’t really take me seriously. I guess that’s kinda my fault for not really acting seriously. I just wish we could still have fun, y’know? What’s the point of surviving if you don’t get to enjoy living?”

She stared at him speechless. Did the others really think so little of him? Louis was so sweet. He seemed to always look out for everyone. What was wrong with trying to raise morale?

“What about Marlon? He’s your best friend.” Surely he didn’t treat Louis so coldly.

“Yeah, he is.” He seemed almost unsure.

“He’s had to deal with a lot of stuff over the years, being our leader and all. Having fun wasn’t exactly too high on the to-do list but he still humoured me every now and then.” Everyone must have changed quite a bit once the world ended. A bunch of scared kids forced to grow up too early just as she did. Yet something told her that Louis had stayed mostly the same. His usual cheery demeanour was a product of the old world that he saved over the years. His smile reappeared as he began to tell Clementine a story.

“I remember the day he showed up in this hellhole. An angry little kid with scruffy hair and a scowl on his face. I had already been here a year so I figured it was up to me to show him the ropes of survival under the headmaster’s fist.” His tone lightened as he recalled the story.

“So I sat down right next to that asshole and did what I do best. I talked, and I never shut up. Eventually, he began to tolerate me as most do and soon enough we were inseparable.”

Clementine giggled at the thought of Louis annoying a kid into friendship. His face lit up at her laugh.

“Who was your best friend?” He asked.

“I didn’t have a lot of friends in school.” She admitted.

“I guess my best friend would’ve been my babysitter, Sandra.”

It’s been so long since I thought about her.

“My parents worked a lot so she would pick me up from school and watch me until they got home. I used to make her play this stupid game with me where we would pretend we were secret sisters. I always wanted a sister, and I guess Sandra was the closest I could get.” Distant memories of the final days of the living world.

“She was watching me while my parents were on vacation when everything happened. A walker broke into our house one night and bit her. It was so early in we didn’t know what was going on. Thankfully I wasn’t around when she…”

“Damn.” Louis commented plainly.

“I met Lee a couple days later.” She noticed Louis perk up when she spoke about Lee.

“You mentioned him during the card game.”

“He found me in my treehouse one day and decided to take care of me. We met up with a group of survivors and we all tried to make it, but… it didn’t work.” She grimaced.

“We ended up in the city my parents were staying in a few months later. I wanted to go find them, but Lee told me they were most likely gone.” Fresh tears pricked her eyes.

I should have listened to you, Lee. You were always right.

“But you had to try, right? They were your parents.” Louis seemed to share the logic of her nine-year-old self

“I thought so too, and Lee did help me look, but… there was this man who said he knew them. I was stupid. I went with him, and Lee was bitten trying to get me back.” She crossed her arms tightly, nails digging into her sleeves.

“Lee had cut his arm off. He looked like hell and was weak from blood loss when he found me. They got into a fight and Lee was losing. The man dropped his gun during the scuffle, so I picked it up myself.”

She left it up to Louis to imagine what she had to do next. It was the first life she had ever taken. First of many over the years.

“After we left that place, Lee didn’t last much longer.” She grit her teeth hard.

“I-I… killed him. He asked me to shoot him. He didn’t want to become a walker.”

“I’m so sorry, Clem.” He wasn’t sure what else to say.

“I can tell he meant a lot to you.”

Clementine hadn’t realized she had started crying again until one of the droplets hit her hand. She quickly rubbed the tears from her eyes as she regained her composure.

“It was a long time ago.” Clementine thought of some of the people who’ve come and gone since then. Luke. Kenny. Javier. She knew she’d failed them all in some way. She couldn’t break the ice fast enough before Luke drowned. She lost control of the car and got Kenny killed because of the crash. She lost Kate in the herd while Javi went after Gabe, and then broke her promise to return once she located AJ.

“I think I feel a bit better now.” Clementine told him, the smile that crossed her lips wasn’t completely genuine, but there was still some honestly in it.

For a moment the world only consisted of them. Sitting on the hardwood floor of a dorm room, sharing memories both pleasant and heavy. It was peaceful. There was something unexplainably comforting about his presence as if the world was a little more tranquil whenever she stared into his deep brown eyes. An odd sense of joy overcame her as she suddenly broke into a small fit of giggles.

“What?” Louis asked with a chuckle, her laughter contagious.

“I don’t know.” She gasped through the giggles.

She suddenly snapped to attention when she realized how long they’d been in her room. It was at least noon, the sun no longer visible by a peek out her window.

“Wait, how did I get to sleep in this late?” She stretched, picking herself up off the floor.

“Surely Violet has something for me to do.”

“Violet stopped by actually.” Her head shot up when he said that.

Oh God, Violet saw us like that?

Clementine wanted to collapse inward again.

“She saw the door open a bit and came in. I told her you weren’t feeling well and to leave you be for the day. I think she understood.” He also seemed slightly embarrassed at the memory, letting out a flustered chuckle as he stood.

Clementine let out a groan, feeling her face heat up again.

“Don’t worry, Vi’s not one for gossip. She wouldn't tell anyone what she saw.” Louis assured.

I just hope she took it as innocent as it was.

“I… I should go see if she needs me to do anything.” She didn’t want to leave, but it didn’t feel right for her to be relaxing all day while the others worked.

She tried to make her way to the door before Louis stopped her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, maybe you should just take it easy for the day.” He suggested, his voice filled with worry once more.

“If Vi needs anything then I’ll take care of it.”

“I should be helping.” she looked down.

“You should be resting.”

“I’m fine, Louis. I don’t want to be cooped up in here all day feeling useless.” She snapped a little harsher than she intended.

“I’m sorry.”

“How about a compromise?”

She turned to him, raising an eyebrow. Clem wondered what kind of compromise he could have in mind. His mischievous grin not helping her curiosity, not to mention mild concern.

“Why don’t we see if Violet will let us go on a scouting mission or something. There’s a town not that far away that we used to hit all the time before the safe zone crap. We could be in and out just enough to see if the place isn’t completely overrun by the smelly patrol and be back before sundown.” It seemed like a decent enough plan at least. “You won't be cooped up in your room, we’ll be getting something done, and it’s not that difficult.”

The thought of getting away didn’t sound so bad. She remembered seeing the town on the map before she arrived at the school, not very large and probably picked through a hundred times. If the Delta had already gone through it, there was nothing left but the dead.

“What do you say, my lady?” Louis held out his hand to lead her.

“Are you feeling up for an adventure?”

---

Violet wasn’t a huge fan of the idea at first. The sun was already high in the sky, not giving them that much of a comfortable timespan to be back before dark should they get stuck somewhere.

“C’mon, Vi, we’re just gonna scope the place out.” Louis tried to convince her.

“We won’t even go that far in, just enough to see what’s what, and then we’ll go.”

“I don’t like this.” Vi told him, going over the map again.

“Are you sure you’re… both up for it.” Violet tried to make the question sound like it was for both of them but Clementine knew it was directed at her.

“I’m fine.” Clem felt frustrated with herself for letting anyone see her like that.

“Are you sure? You looked-”

“I can do this.” Clementine didn’t let her finish that sentence.

“She’s got this, Vi.” He put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly.

“Fine.�� Violet said, defeated.

“Just… take Rosie with you, and be back before dark. If you’re not back by then we can't go looking for you until dawn.”

They nodded, taking the map from her.

“Be safe out there.”

---

Clementine leaned against the cool bricks near the gate with her eyes closed, taking in the sound of the breeze through the forest beyond the walls. She waited alone as Louis went off to find Rosie.

“Clementine?” She opened her eyes when she finally heard the voice of the boy who hadn’t spoken to her in five days.

Marlon stood before her with his hands jammed into his pockets. He seemed to try to make eye contact with her but averted his gaze every few seconds.

“Uh, hey Marlon.” She glanced around looking for Louis, but he was nowhere in sight.

“I’m sorry… I wanted to talk to you sooner but I just couldn’t get the nerve.” He bit his lip.

He came to apologize?

“I-I just had to tell you I’m sorry for… for that night in the basement with Brody. I don’t really know what came over me…” He seemed sincere, but Clem didn’t feel like buying into it. Her bruised cheek stung with the memory of that night.

“I thought that everyone would hate me if they knew the truth. That maybe they would kick me out… or kill me.”

“Well, you were right about the first part.” She scoffed, not willing to forgive him that easily.

“I’m pretty sure everyone here hates you on some level.”

“I just didn’t want to hurt anyone any more than I had to.”

This son of a-

“I’m not going to listen to you stand there and try to justify giving away two of your friends to a group of raiders and then bully another one into silence.” She snapped at him, her words full of venom.

“Your lies only made everything worse for everyone. Not to mention your response to being caught was to attack Brody and me.”

He flinched slightly at her response, though his eyes told her it was the one he was expecting.

“Look, I’ll never be able to make up for what I did. And I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just… wanted to tell you that I’m going to try. I’m going to try to make things right even if it isn’t possible.” Marlon actually seemed like he was about to cry.

“I just want to help.”

“I don’t need your fucking help.” She spat.

“Alright.” He sighed, holding his hands up in surrender.

“I’ll leave you be. I just wanted you to know.”

“Marlon?” Louis returned with Rosie on a leash with Chairles slung over his shoulder. He looked between his best friend and Clementine.

“What’s going on here?” “We were just talking.”

“He was just leaving.”

Marlon looked at Rosie, who was whining for attention at his feet. He bent down to pet her, giving her a good scratch behind her ears.

“What are you guys doing?” Marlon asked, letting the dog lick his hand.

“Scouting mission. We’re gonna go see what’s what with that town we used to get supplies from.” Louis explained.

“That’s pretty far outside the safe zone.” Marlon frowned, but he knew it was no longer his call.

“Are you guys gonna be okay out there?”

“There is no ‘safe zone’ anymore, dingus.” He tried to make light of the situation.

“We’ll be fine, nothing’ll happen to us or your precious pooch.”

“Let me come with you.” he pressed.

“I can help watch your backs.”

Not. Fucking. Happening.

“No can do, my dude.” Louis slapped a hand on his shoulder.

“Vi’s still got you on lockdown, remember? She’d kill us if we took you anywhere.”

Clementine didn’t want to argue this further

“We don’t have time for this, we’re burning daylight.” She said coldly.

“He stays, we go. End of discussion.”

Clementine didn’t wait for a response from either of them before she flung open the gate and began to make her way down the trail.

---

The streets of the town were lined boarded up buildings and rusted out cars with rotting bodies scattered all around. They were only a block in, yet the carnage was almost shocking. Clementine made sure to examine the corpses carefully as they passed them, jamming her blade into the skulls of any that might still be moving.

“Damn.” Louis commented.

“And I thought this place looked like shit the last time we were here.”

“You know this place better than I do, where should we start?” Clem couldn’t imagine this place would be anything but a bust.

“Anywhere’s better than on this damn street. This place gives me bad tingles.”Louis kept a good grip on Rosie’s leash as she sniffed around.

“Bad Tingles?”

“Yes, tingles of the bad variety.” He joked.

Dork.

“If I remember correctly, there’s an old hardware store on the next street over. We can bust in there and see if there’s anything left.” Louis lead the way.

So far, not many of the bodies around them were active, but who knows what was being contained inside the buildings.

The glass doors of the hardware store were long shattered, remains of what appeared to be some kind of wooden barricade were left on the floor inside. The sunlight from outside did little to illuminate the long dark aisles. The shelves seemed bare, this place didn't seem worth the risk.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else.” She didn’t feel like they were alone in there.

“Maybe.” he replied, furrowing his brow.

Louis swung Chairles against the metal frame of the doorway, echoing loudly throughout the store.

“What the hell are you doing?” Clem whispered.

“Watch.”

They both waited, staring into the blackness waiting for something to appear. One minute passed, then two, yet nothing emerged from the dark.

“We’re good.” Louis declared.

“Let’s just stick to the shelves in the light for now.”

“Aisle by aisle. You take the left I take the right.” She planned.

Louis nodded as they split, finding themselves searching with a tall row of shelves between them. Clementine ran her hands across the cold bare metal, finding not even a single screw to take back with them. She sighed, moving on the shelf just behind her. Her foot picked something heavy as she approached. She looked down to see a cardboard box peeking out from under the shelf.

“I think I fou-” She hardly got a chance to call for Louis before a hand clamped down on her mouth.

She tried to throw the body off of her but the strength that could only come from a living person forced her knife out of her grasp. It crashed to the floor with a loud clang.

The sound of Rosie barking filled the store and the stranger finally let go after Chairles connected with his back.

“Get the fuck away from her!” He yelled, preparing to swing again as the large man picked up her hunting knife and throwing her against the row of shelves, holding her there by her neck

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, boy.” He growled in his raspy voice.

Rosie snarled at the man, slobber dripping from her bared teeth. Clementine gasped for air as she struggled against his grip, digging her fingers into his thick coat.

“L-Lo..u…” She struggled out.

Louis let out a yell as he charged the man, aiming Chairles at the hand holding the knife as Rosie sunk her teeth into his leg. The stranger screamed with rage as he tried to shake the dog off, swinging the knife wildly and managing to slice into Louis’ left arm.

Louis cried out in pain, blood rushing out of the deep wound in his bicep. He let out a grunt as he brought the business end of his bat down on the man’s head, knocking out and releasing his grip on Clem’s throat.

Clementine collapsed to the ground, coughing and gagging as stars danced across her vision.

“Clementine!” Louis cried, rubbing her back as she heaved.

“Oh, fuck I’m so sorry.”

“I… d-didn’t even… hear… him.” She gasped out as she tried to regulate her breathing.

He shakily pulled her close, adrenaline still pumping through both of them. Clementine returned the embrace, feeling something wet against her fingers when she touched his sleeve.

“Oh shit, you’re bleeding.” She examined the torn material, blood already soaking down his sleeve to his wrist.

“I’m alright.” He assured, wincing at her touch.

“Tis but a scratch.”

“We need to get you back to Ruby so she can patch you up.” She looked for something to stop the bleeding in the meantime.

“Take your shirt off.”

“What?” He gasped.

“I need to tie that up so you don’t bleed out on the way back.”

He proceeded to remove his coat followed by his shirt, cringing as he pulled the blood-stained fabric over his wound.

“Hold still.” She told him, wrapping the green shirt tightly over the cut.

She couldn’t help but notice his freckles also spread to his chest.

“That’ll do for now.” She said, still shaken from what just happened.

Clementine froze when she felt Louis’ fingers tracing her neck. His touch was light, barely tickling her skin.

“More bruises.” He frowned at the red marks left behind by the strange man.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m okay, I promise.” She took his hand in hers, squeezing it tight.

“Let's just go home.” “What about him?” Louis gestured to the unconscious man being watched heavily by Rosie. Blood trickled from his forehead but the shallow movement of his chest signified he was still alive.

“Leave him for the walkers.” Clementine decided.

Louis stood, helping Clem to her feet with his good arm. Neither of them letting go of the other’s hand as they left the town behind.

[tnystrk-exe]

Reckless and Impulsive 8

Tony Stark X Reader

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 End

You drove up to Tony’s for your week long break.  Originally, you were going to spend it in your apartment but Mike was being strange. It was starting to become unsettling. Sooner rather than later you’d need to get your own place.

   Opening up the door, you could hear woman giggling up stairs. That’s what you got for coming unannounced. A while later Tony finally came down stairs.

   “You know, one day, I’d love to come home and my husband not be cheating on me.”

   He jumped slightly, not expecting anyone. “Sorry, wife. If I expected you, I would have wrapped up my affair sooner.”

   “It was traumatic.”

   “Was it?”

   “Completely. I gave up on trying to tune it out with the TV. She would not let it win at all.”

   “I’m sorry, really, if I had known you were here it would have been different.”

   “It’s okay, but if I ever have to hear someone going. Oh, Tony,” you over did a moan, gasping slightly, “Ever again, I think I’ll shoot myself.”

   “Let me call up a cab for her and take a cold shower, for that little show.”

   “I’m going to enroll you into sex addicts anonymous.”

   “I just got a lot of love to give,” he laughed when you rolled your eyes. Tony picked up the phone and ordered the cab. “So, what brought you around to my humble home?”

   “Week off and he’s being weird again.”

   “Mike? What’s he doing?”

   “Just stares and looks like he’s planning or something. I don’t know,” you shrugged, “Maybe it’s nothing.”

   “Why’d you move in with him anyway?”

   “It was cheap, he was really cool when we first met. I got a little ways more to go before I have enough to move out. It’ll happen soon.”

   “Let me help you out.”

   “No. I’m not always going to have someone around to bail me out. I gotta learn how to do these things on my own.”

   “But you’re not on your own.”

   “I know. Thank you,” you smiled at him.

   He was about to say something before a car honked out front. “Guess her cab is here, let me go get her.”

   “But Tony, we could have some more fun together,” you heard a woman whine from the top of the stairs.

  “I’ve had my fill of fun today,” he led her down, “Besides, I called a car up for you. We wouldn’t want to disappoint the driver, would we?”

  “I don’t see why I have to leave,” she pulled him down for a kiss, “Let me stay.”

  “I don’t want you to stay. Now, I’m going to ask you politely. Please, leave.”

  She turned around with a huff, finally noticing you. “Oh, okay. Now I see, you want me to leave so you can have fun with a slut.”

  “Hey, you don’t talk to her like that. If you want to fucking talk about someone and give names do it me,” he grabbed her by the arm and led her out, “All of you, always want to talk about her, I’m tired of it.” He slammed the door and went back with you. “I know you could have handled it, you have before. I’m just so tired that the first thing some of these girls do is attack you.”

   “It’s good, it’s good. Thank you for handling it. Now go get clean, I think the air around you from her will get me sick.” You winked at him, smirking playfully.

  “I think Rhodey was right when he said we hung out too much. All those little expressions are dangerously like mine.”

  “Probably, I reserve my smart ass comments though. You don’t come up with mine.”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever my dear. Make yourself at home.”

  “I’m not sure how much more at home I could get. I have a key.” You said, watching him walk away.

  “Yeah, ditto. I might have to use your apartment key one day.”

  “Please do, I think you’re entertaining.”

  You watched tv just biding your time. Deciding that your going out clothes were too uncomfortable, you went up to Tony’s room to change into one of his shirts and a pair of pajama bottoms you left at his place the last time. Going back to the living room you turned on the stereo, the usual AC/DC cd playing. Dancing along and playing air guitar a couple songs in, you heard Tony chuckle.

  “You’re playing that air guitar all wrong, babygirl. Come on, pass it over so I can show you how the pros get it done.”

  You handed the air guitar over, “Fine, oh mighty master, show me the way.” He tuned it before playing it in perfect sync. “That’s no fair, you know these songs like the back of your hand.”

  “Nope! I’m just perfect at everything I do.”

  “You sure?”

  “Pretty sure.”

  “Have you drank today?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you sleep somewhat consistently this week?”

   “Nope!”

   “Eating?”

   “Snacks. No meals admittedly.”

   “Tell you what. I’ll buy us some Chinese from that place we both like. We’ll talk. Then me and you will go to sleep for a while.”

  “I always sleep better with you around,” he allowed, “but I started up this new design and I really want to finish it soon.”

  “Tony, I don’t doubt you’ve been working on this as much as you can but you’re going to burnout,” he raised an eyebrow, “Fine, you won’t burnout. Didn’t you say you got a new hot rod a couple of days ago? We can work on that while we wait for the food to come. Please, take a break with me Tony,” you added in a pout for good measure.

   “Don’t do that. Don’t do that,” he covered his eyes, “God, I can feel it through my hand is that a thing? Can you feel things through a hand? Fine! Fine! Fine! I hate that pout of yours.”

  “You love it,” you drew out the syllables.

  “That’s why I do whatever it wants,” he sighed, “Order the stuff, meet me in the garage. I’m going to get as much as I can on the new design done before you can get there.” He rushed out the room, eager to get to work.

  As much as you hated how single minded he’d get once he got to work, but you loved how excited he’d get to bring his ideas out of his head and into the world. Tony seemed to be the only person who you could hate something about before saying something about him that you loved for the same reason. It was confusing. Well, not really, you knew what it was. The both of you did. At the end, it was agreed to leave it on the back burner.

  You ordered the food and gave Tony time to play with his toys. He was smart, by the time the food came he’d probably be light years ahead of where he had been. The food came thirty minutes later, you payed the delivery man, leaving him with the usual Stark tip of $100. The food in hand, you grabbed a couple of cans of soda and walked down to the garage.

  “I thought we had a date,” Tony said, hearing the door open.

  “I figured if I left you with your new design for a while, you’d scratch your itch. Then it would be easier to have your full attention later.”

  “You know me so well, I love it. I love you. Now, please give me that food.” You places a foam box and a drink in front of him, “Beautiful. Perfect. Amazing. You can be my queen.”

  “Calm down, Tony. It’s just food, honey.”

  “I didn’t know I was hungry, until now. Thank you, dear.”

  The two of you ate in silence for a while. “So how’s being Mr. CEO?”

  “Tough. Well, not tough. The job is easy, but the people either feel too much pity or complain about my social life and my ability.”

  “You’re young. They see you as their kids telling them what to do. As for the pity, it’ll wear off.”

  “It’s been months. How much longer until it does? I’m tired of being ‘The orphan kid with too much power’.”

  “Headline?”

  “Yeah,” he sighed, “When is someone else going to do something big?”

  “I don’t know. Hey, honey, talk to me,” you ran a hand through his hair moving it out of his eyes and rested your hand on his cheek, “You never pay attention to head lines, you’re drinking and sleeping around a lot more. I’m not judging you, it’s just an observation. It’s just, Tony, you would usually do all this when there was a party.”

  He leaned into your hand. “I know you don’t judge me. You never do. Something in me knows I’m avoiding feeling it and I’m probably going to dive into the deep end. I just don’t want to think about dealing with it at all.”

  You nodded sympathetically, “Then if you don’t want to keep going as you are. Just promise me you’ll stay safe and talk to Rhodey or me whenever it gets tough. We can wait until you’re ready. Promise?”

  “Promise.” He pressed a quick kiss to your cheek, pulling away and standing up with a cough. “Didn’t you want to help fix up the new hot rod?”

  Just like that the curtain was pulled shut again. You didn’t mind, there would be other glimpses. He pulled the cover off of the car.

  “Wow, she’s beautiful.”

  “I know. I’m pretty sure I’ll name her YN,” he said, not with the usual smirk, but a smile.

  You laughed, “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? You named a bear after me!”

  “He was cute and cuddly!”

  “She’s beautiful and once we fix up everything she’ll be as strong as you.”

  “I can’t believe I’m going to have a car named after me. We need to name something after Rhodey.”

  “Yes!” He raised his arms in victory, “Oh, we will.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, our first kid. Do you think Rhodey is a unisex name?”

  “You’re talking about a kid now too? Didn’t pin you down for someone who wants kids,” you flicked his nose, “I think it fits. Sounds like it could pass.”

  “Well, not right now. Maybe one day? If it happens, it happens,” he shrugged, “I’ll put Rhodey down on the list of possibilities. Now,” he opened up the hood, “I’m going to teach you a thing or two.”

   Tony had done a once over on his newest car. All of his parts have been ordered a while ago, but he never got around to fixing it up. Now, he was glad he postponed. He refused to touch any of the tools, preferring to give you careful instructions. There wasn’t much work. If it was just himself, he could have knocked it out with in the hour. Though doing it slow helped him appreciate the work he wouldn’t think twice about. A handful of hours later you were sat in the drivers seat, Tony looking prideful.

  “C’mon, babygirl, why are you waiting? I know you got this. Turn the key.”

  You turned the key nervously. The car came on with a quiet purr. “Tony! We did it!” Getting out of the car, you gave him a tight hug.

  “You did it,” he pressed a kiss to the top of your head, “I was nothing more than the cook book. Besides, you and I do amazing together.”

  “Come on, take some of the credit.”

  “You’re right, at least 75% of the credit is mine.”

  “That’s my Tony.”

  “My turn. You somehow managed to get yourself covered in oil when there was virtually none involved. Go take a shower, dear.”

  “There was some and you let go of the bottle before I got a grasp on it,” you corrected, sticking your tongue out at him. You ran your finger through some oil that was on your arm and rubbed it on his face.

  “Now who’s childish?” He asked, making a face.

  “Still you.” You pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’m going to shower. All of this oil feels gross. We’re going to lay down as soon as I get out. Work on your design. I’ll come get you.”

  He all but ran back to his work papers, “Thank you.” You patted Dum-E on your way out. “Hey, don’t. He’s grounded.”

  “Dum-E does his best. Leave him alone.”

  You made your way up the stairs, deciding the shower in his room would be best since your clothes were already nearby. The shower was quick, but it felt a hell of a lot better when all of the oil was off. You got dressed in the bathroom and walked out.

  “I’m convinced you only come over to wear as many of my shirts as possible.” He was sat at his desk.

  “They’re comfortable! Besides I only wear the ones you have doubles of. Why are you up here?”

  “You sing in the shower. I wanted to listen and work.”

  “Tones, you realize that sounds the slightest bit creepy.”

  “But if we were in a lovey dovey movie, it would be considered the epitome of romance. Ready to sleep?” He asked, giving one sad glance at his work.

  “Yeah, come on.” You held your hand out to him.

  “Where do you want to go?” He looked confused as he took your hand.

  “We’re sleeping in Rhodey’s usual room. I’m not down to sleep in your messy sheets.”

  “Why his room specifically?” He followed you.

  “His room smells like his cologne and it’s homey.”

  You laid down on the bed and he followed soon after. Immediately you cuddled into his side, already feeling drowsy.

  “Why do you always want to sleep with me?”

  “You’re comfy and warm. Besides, we’ve always slept together. It’s habit. I guess it’s a habit I have to grow out once you get cozy with someone.”

  “No. You don’t,” he scoffed.

  “I don’t think whoever you’re with would appreciate me constantly taking naps with you.”

  “It’ll be fine.”

  “So they can take naps with whoever?”

  “...Sure.”

  “You hesitated.”

  There was a knock outside of the room, “Since neither of you are going to make a move anytime soon. Why are the two of you all cuddled up in my bed?”

  “Tony’s bed has germs. He had someone over.”

 “And you put him in my bed?”

 “Yes, hi, Tony’s here and he showered,” Tony answered, tired of being talked of like he wasn’t there. “Come on Rhodes, join the cuddle parade.”

  “Come on Rhodey!”

  He shrugged, “What do I have to lose? Make some room YN.”

  You cuddled up in between the both of them. “My boys. Ugh, I love the two of you.” You pressed a kiss to both of their heads.

  “So, how long are you sticking around this time YN?” Rhodes asked, playing with your hand.

  “Just a week. You?”

  “Ten days.”

  “That means you have to take the week off with us Tones.” You poked him in the ribs.

  “We could go to Italy? What?” He looked confused when the both of you groaned.

  “I just flew back.”

  “I don’t wanna go anywhere far.”

  “The two are you are kill joys. Vegas?”

  You and Rhodey looked at each other.

  “Yeah, that’s cool,” Rhodey answered for the both of you.

  “I hate when the both of you do that look talk. It’s fucking creepy,” Tony said, shivering for affect.

  “I hate it when you’re a drama queen yet here we are. Now, go to sleep the both of you,” you yawned, “Tony, if you get out of this bed and work on that new design of yours, I’ll make Rhodey hide all your things.”

  “The platypus wouldn’t.”

  “The platypus would if she asked.”

  “All our time. Everything we ever did for one another and without a second thought, betrayed.”

  “You’re rich, get used to it. Go to sleep, Tony.”

  “Feeling the love guys. Really. Night sweetheart. Night platypus.”

Tag: @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @skeletoresinthebasement @nerissa98 @mala-firebringer @lanilovespsychos @the-blue-haired-boy @firedolphin04 @kasiarella @princess76179 @geeksareunique @random-fandom-lady @thevanishedillusion @jessicaguerreiro07 @125bluemachine125 @charlotte-of-the-enterprise @that-dam-percabeth-shipper @thedaydreamerrrr @danabuggxd @whatstruthgottodowithit @ceruleanjones @ailynalonso15 

[big-tony]

1-100 hoe

I hate you so much.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

Spotify for sure

3. what color are your eyes?

Ugly ass brown

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

Really obnoxious

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

I have a black 2013 Nissan Altima 

9. where do you shop?

As much as I hate them, I do most of my shopping on Amazon. I’ve started using Thrift Books when I buy books, but I also want to start going to local bookstores since some have opened up nearby.

10. how would you describe your style?

The stereotypical person who listens exclusively to music on Bandcamp but doesn’t want to commit to buying clothes at Goodwill

11. favorite social media account

Tumblr but I’m kind of warming up to Twitter

13. any siblings?

Yeah I have an older sister

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

I would say at this stage in my life I would like to live in Spain or Argentina. I’d really like to just be somewhere out of North America where I can speak Spanish all the time. I feel like it would be a nice change of pace

15. favorite snapchat filter? 

I deleted snap like four months ago but I really liked the one that just hid all of your blemishes lmao

17. how many times a week do you shower?

Like 10-12 on average

18. favorite tv show?

Either Eric Andre or the Twilight Zone

19. shoe size?

16 which makes shopping for shoes impossible

20. how tall are you?

6′5″

21. sandals or sneakers? 

Sneakers. I only wear sandals if I’m running somewhere for less than 30 minutes

22. do you go to the gym? 

I kind of neglected that this semester but before that I was going about 5 days a week

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

$5 lmao

25. what color socks are you wearing? 

White

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

Just two I don’t like having too many

27. do you have a job? what do you do? 

Not rn I just finished up working as a research assistant and I’ll be applying for that position again this summer

28. how many friends do you have? 

idk if I had to guess somewhere around 30 but I see about 10 of them weekly the rest kind of rotate in and out

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? 

This girl was going to sit down when I was in high school and I thought it would be funny to pull the chair out from under her. It was not particularly funny and it still haunts me because it was so unnecessarily mean

30. whats your favorite candle scent? 

Fuck I don’t know what it’s called but when I’m home for the holidays my parents always burn this one candle that just reminds me of Christmas. Very cinnamon-y but also smells like pine needles

31. 3 favorite boy names

James, Antonio, David

32. 3 favorite girl names

Autumn, McKenzie, Maria

33. favorite actor? 

I don’t think I watch enough movies to have a strong opinion on this one

34. favorite actress? 

Same

35. who is your celebrity crush?

Shakira for sure

36. favorite movie? 

I watch so few movies that my favorite movie is basically the last good movie I watched so I’d say Madeinusa. If we’re going for movies that are so bad that they’re awesome I’d say Bloodsport

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? 

Yeah I love reading! I’d say it’s tied between The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway and 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

38. money or brains? 

Brains for sure

39. do you have a nickname? what is it? 

People used to call me Chief Keef all the time but I don’t have one anymore

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

I think like when I was born was the only time lol

41. top 10 favorite songs

In no particular order:

Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Sun Kil Moon - Pancho Villa

Algernon Cadwallader - Fun

American Football - Stay Home

Shakira - Se Quiere, Se Mata

Sun Kil Moon - Micheline

Sufjan Stevens - Impossible Soul

The Microphones - The Glow, Pt. 2

Frank Dominguez & Elena Burke - Imágenes

Sufjan Stevens - Romulus

42. do you take any medications daily? 

Nah

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

I’d say pretty oily I have to shower the moment I wake up because my hair looks like a mess from the oil

44. what is your biggest fear? 

Heights

45. how many kids do you want? 

If I decide I want kids, probably just one

46. whats your go to hair style?

I like to keep it pretty short and put some gel in it it’s pretty basic

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) 

I live in an apartment right now but my parents’ house is kind of small compared to all my friends’ growing up.

48. who is your role model? 

I try not to have a role model per se because every time I learn about famous people they disappoint me in one way or another. I had a lot of respect for Anthony Bourdain though

49. what was the last compliment you received?

My friend told me yesterday that I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life this past month, which meant a lot to me

50. what was the last text you sent?

“Dead af” which is pretty par for the course

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

I think I was 9 when I decided he didn’t exist. No one really confirmed or denied it until I was like 12

52. what is your dream car? 

I used to say corvette but I can’t fit in one lol

53. opinion on smoking?

I can’t really get on a high horse about it because I smoke when I’m very drunk but I don’t enjoy the really strong smell of a smoker’s house

54. do you go to college? 

Yeah! I’m studying history and Spanish and I should be graduating spring 2020

55. what is your dream job? 

I want to be a professor and hopefully teach Latin American history

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

Since my indie folk days are behind me, suburbs for sure

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? 

No my hair seems to hate those so I have to bring my own shampoo when I go places

58. do you have freckles? 

nah

59. do you smile for pictures?

Yeah I like my smile a lot so

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

1629 according to my camera roll

61. have you ever peed in the woods? 

Oh yeah absolutely

62. do you still watch cartoons? 

I keep up with Steven Universe by force of habit but otherwise no

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

McDonald’s. Wendy’s chicken nuggets are whack

64. Favorite dipping sauce? 

Chick-Fil-A sauce

65. what do you wear to bed? 

Basketball shorts

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

I won this in-class one and they asked me to go to the school-wide one but I didn’t go

67. what are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, and learning languages mostly. I’d like to get more social hobbies at some point like get into playing pool but I haven’t gotten around to it

68. can you draw? 

Oh hell no. I tried super hard up until like 7th grade and then I accepted fate

69. do you play an instrument?

I am trying to learn the banjo but I need to get more consistent

70. what was the last concert you saw? 

I saw Fleet Foxes in March, which was an amazing show. I missed American Football in August which I’m still really upset about

71. tea or coffee?

Coffee, though I’d like to learn more about tea

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Dunkin Donuts just because it’s cheaper

73. do you want to get married?

Yeah I have a crippling fear of ending up alone lmao

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

I don’t really have a crush but the girl I’m seeing’s initials are BS which is interesting to say the least

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? 

No but I probably should because my last name is bland af

76. what color looks best on you? 

I think I look good in a deep purple

77. do you miss anyone right now? 

Unfortunately yes but I’m getting over it slowly

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed. I have this irrational fear that I will wake up and someone is watching me, but in all reality an unlocked door won’t stop them if that’s what it is going to come to

79. do you believe in ghosts?

Nah

80. what is your biggest pet peeve? 

People who read, watch, or hear something slightly out of the ordinary and go “WOW I WONDER HOW MANY DRUGS THEY MUST HAVE BEEN ON TO COME UP WITH THAT”

81. last person you called`

My parents like two hours ago

82. favorite ice cream flavor? 

Cookies and cream

83. regular oreos or golden oreos? 

Regular, I didn’t know people liked the golden ones

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

Rainbow

85. what shirt are you wearing? 

A UCF football shirt! Go Knights

86. what is your phone background?

Salamovka at Night (Judy’s Window Lit) by Lois Dodd

87. are you outgoing or shy?

Very outgoing lol

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

Ugh I love it so much

89. do you like your neighbors? 

Never talked to em but they’re quiet so I can’t complain

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

Yeah before bed and after my shower

91. have you ever been high? 

Many times

92. have you ever been drunk? 

Many times

93. last thing you ate? 

I got a chicken tender sub at Publix!

94. favorite lyrics right now

Don’t leave home, again

If empathy takes energy

‘Cause everyone feels just like you

But that’s life, it’s so social

95. summer or winter? 

Winter because I like when it’s a bit chillier, even though Florida does not get very cold. It’s been in the 40s and 50s this week which has been incredible and I wish we had more days like that.

96. day or night? 

I like the night during summer and the day during winter. 

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

Milk chocolate

98. favorite month? 

October

99. what is your zodiac sign

Libra

100. who was the last person you cried in front of? 

My ex-girlfriend about three years ago.

I still hate you for this.

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

[koganphrancis]

Gay 4 JT 4Eva

Also: New Writer, Who Dis?

Before I begin my recap of this week’s episode, let me send a sincere plea to TPTB at Shameless: PLEASE HIRE AN ACTUAL LGBTQA WRITER!  It’s nearly the end of the second decade of the 21st century!  Do we really need a bunch of different characters stating one reason (and one reason alone) that makes them gay or straight?  No, no we don’t.  

So, a brand new (to Shameless) writer is thrown into the mix and he gives us what was pretty much universally crowned on social media the most boring episode of this shit show ever, and that’s saying something to all of us that watched Season 6.  

It’s so hard to know where to begin, since I want to save ALL the Ian foolishness for last.  

I guess we’ll start with Frank since he’s very cut and dried this week: Gets a credit card, gets a car, gets fired because the store he works for is closing.  The show tried to make a statement about online driving brick and mortars out of business-which was “news” at least 5 years ago, maybe more.  Frank also had a very (to me, anyway) un-Shameless talk with Liam about being poor.  This show used to wear that like a badge of honor, but now we have Frank hemming and hawing before admitting that they are, but instead of his old rants about fuck capitalism/fuck the establishment/people who work towards material goals are soulless-he buys a car online.  In a nutshell, this is what’s wrong with the entire show now-don’t argue “character development and growth” to me-none of us tuned into this show hoping Frank one day turns into a typical TV dad with a job and a lawn to mow on the weekends.  

Next I’ll tackle Debbie-in yet another brilliant piece of retconning, she’s suddenly 16 years old.  Now, I’ve said it before and you can Google it just like I did: You have to be 18 years old to attend any kind of accredited welding school in the state of Illinois.  Those classes deal with equipment that can kill and maim not only the person using it, but those around them as well.  You have to be a legal, liable adult for anyone to put that shit into your hands.  Did she steal Ian’s ID to enroll in the school?  

Anyway, 16 y/o Debs is on what’s turned out to be a 2 day bender and has had unprotected sex that she can’t remember-multiple times.  Um, I have zero experience with drugs, but from anything I’ve read, Ecstasy doesn’t erase your memory-was she really being fed rufies by that long haired guy?  Anyway, when he informs her they’ve been banging for two days she leaves Franny (who’s been sitting in a bathtub set up with pillows and a blanket presumably all this time?  She didn’t need to be fed or changed?) with the dude and takes off in search of a morning after pill, which she can’t purchase in Missouri because she’s...not 17 yet.  

It was established in the first episode that Lip is 23 now, which makes his Irish twin Ian 22-but Debs is 6 years younger than Ian?  So, for those 3 seasons Ian was 17, she was 11?  She raped Matty when she was 11/12???  She got pregnant at 13 and gave birth at 14?  And Child Services didn’t take her and the baby away from Fiona, but sent her to a parenting class instead?  Yeah, okay, right.  

Anyway, she gets thrown in jail but a parent or guardian doesn’t have to come bail her out, and her storyline for the night ends with a very offensive, not funny racist bit in a drug store.  I don’t care that this is “Shameless”-in real life that guy probably would’ve been shot in Missouri for standing up and shouting like that, and the real life media would have a field day about terrorists.  

Carl-who we now know is 15-is still driving Fiona’s mini SUV around?  Now that we know he’s not old enough to have a license, does that make sense?   His role in the night’s episode is minimal-he basically drives Lip around looking for Brad.  

Lip and Fiona were experiencing parallel storylines-both were deeply, DEEPLY concerned about other people’s lives this week, but not the people themselves.  They both had all these, “I can’t let this happen to ME!” moments of narcissistic bullshit that was really hard to take.  In Lip’s case, he’s running around trying to get Brad back on the path to sobriety because if a guy like that can’t do it, what hope is there for LIP?  Yes, Lip, make this all about you.  And it really sucks, because a very natural concern is right there, but they’re having Lip ignore it: instead of worrying how Brad not being able to stay sober reflects on Lip’s own chances, why not have Lip be concerned for Brad’s son, and pledging to do anything he (Lip) possibly can so that kid doesn’t grow up with a father like Lip had?  There’s a ridiculous line where Lip tells Youens he has to come help Lip find Brad because who better than a drunk to know where to find a drunk?  That line ignored two major points from the series-one is that Lip himself is a drunk, and two is that Lip has spent a lifetime with his family hunting down Frank when he disappears.  They were that desperate to drag Youens into this week’s plot?  

Fiona’s whiny “it’s all about me!” plot centered on her finding a dead woman in her apartment, being eaten by her dog.  The show shocked me by finally having an actual, accurate fact about that-the dog has to be put down, by law, because it ate human flesh.  They even have a man come from animal control and drag it away-but miraculously by the end of the episode, Fiona has the dog.  Dafuq?  And you know they’ll never explain it.  

Anyway, Fiona gets freaked out when she realizes no one cared about this woman, and that that could happen to HER.  So she decides to remedy it by getting Ian to make up with her.  She goes over to the EMT building and walks right in, just like everyone else.  Ian’s there taking inventory on the truck, because he’s always there, because this is the least busy emergency response service in any major city in the USA-did they change their phone number to 912 or something?  Anyway, she’s not there to apologize as much as she’s there to LET Ian apologize to her.  The whole “feud” thing they’ve got going on is stupid and contrived as hell, but her showing up at his place of work and setting him off is cunty no matter what-and not because of his mental health either, just in general.  They just bitch at each other and we’re supposed to think that Ian is sooooooo concerned about those at risk youth when, as has been pointed out many times, Mickey and Yevgeny both fit in that category and he’s written them off without a second thought.  Ian’s comments about Fiona only caring about money and not people are A: something he said in Season 7-and the people he was referring to then were her own flesh and blood siblings, and B: didn’t stop him from leaving Mickey and returning to her house and life, so he needs to nut up and lie in that particular bed he made.  And Fiona-I get that she didn’t have a choice when Frank and Monica left her holding the bag with all the kids when they were young, but then Fiona made the decision as an adult to take legal custody of them-she stood up in court even after the judge begged her to reconsider giving her life over to them, so every shitty putting herself first thing that she’s done since then IS something to hold against her.  Her going to Ian not because she loves him and wants peace between them but to hedge her bets against winding up alone and forgotten was a shitty thing to do.  You know how nearly every season Fiona asks another character if she’s a bad person?  The answer by now is abundantly clear: she is.  The way to not wind up alone is to make sure others aren’t neglected and left by YOU, Fiona.  

Just like last week, Ian has the funniest line in the episode, and once again, it’s unintentional, but he growls at Fiona, “I don’t know who you are anymore.”  This from the character that since before the time he said, “This isn’t me anymore,” hasn’t been consistent for two weeks in a row.  How did this show turn to such shit???

Ugh, then there was the Svetlana/Vee/Kev shit.  After all this time, suddenly Kevin feels insecure about his wife having good sex with another person.  Vee says Svetlana is a woman, so she knows what feels good to a woman’s body.  Kev (who is no longer a redneck this week, in case you were wondering) makes the logical leap that he should have sex with a man, because that will feel as good to him as woman on woman feels to Vee.  (Are we sure the new writer’s name isn’t just a nom de plume for John Wells?)

Kev runs into Ian at Patsy’s.  Ian’s looking at his phone-I’d like to think Cam was sending #BringMickeyBack tweets using his non-public accounts, but he’s not typing, just swiping, so let’s hope Ian was on Grindr trying to find someone to fuck without a lecture first.  Anyway, Kev asks Ian how he knew he was gay, if he was straight and began experimenting and just “decided” he liked being gay “more”.  Ian says he just kinda knew.  Kev says, “So you just always knew you were into dudes more.”  Instead of just saying, “Yes, I’ve always been gay,” Ian has to predicate his answer with a brand new story about how he went thru this “weird phase” with a girl for all of 5th grade because he knew/had been told he was supposed to be into girls.  Plus he DOESN’T mention the fact that a decade later, he had to prove it to himself by fucking a woman.  Oh, fuck you, Shameless.  You’re just never going to let Ian be all the way gay, are you?  

Anyway, Ian says, “It wasn’t until, ah...”  Kev says, “Until what?” and stupid me at home, foolishly thinking Ian’s going to say, “Until I joined Little League and fell in love with the first baseman...”  But, no, he says, “Justin Timberlake” and a lot of people online are praising the writer for having watched old episodes, but I’m figuring he watched a You Tube clip of Ian coming out to Mandy.  I don’t think the guy immersed himself in the show.  

Anyway, then there’s a bunch of flawed logic showing up all over the place.  Kev agrees with Ian that JT is hot, then asks Ian if he’s attracted to him-which is SO WEIRD when you consider Kevin’s known Ian since he was a kid-Ian says no but gets saved from having to get into it further when his to go order is given to him by Snore with her three lines in as many weeks (more about Ian’s thrilling drink order later).  Later Kev finds a gay guy and goes into the Alibi bathroom to give his first bj but he-and the gay guy-decide Kev can’t possibly be gay because he doesn’t have a hard on.  Yes, because gay men can’t NOT pop a boner at all times when they’re in close proximity to each other.  And how did Ian’s attraction to a hetero dude prove his homosexuality?  And then on top of all that, Vee goes to see Fiona and has an epiphany of her own-since she’s not sexually attracted to Fi, she can’t possibly be a lesbian, no matter how much she’s enjoying sex with Svetlana.  And what about the fact that both Ian and Mickey were able to have sex with women?  That means they’re not gay by the logic on display in this ep-altho Vee having sex with Svetlana doesn’t make her gay, so?  All this shit is why I know the latest writer ain’t gay either.  Ugh.  

What is it with Shameless writers that people of compatible sexuality can’t be friends without having sex?  Fucking Sue telling Ian he couldn’t be friends with a gay guy when he met Terror, now all this bullshit?  I’m sorry, I don’t think not being sexually attracted to hot mess Fiona says anything about anyone’s sexual orientation.  

Oh, and Fi tells Vee she likes being dominated by Svetlana, telegraphing an upcoming Fifty Shades Of Ghetto Grey story coming up for Kev and Vee a mile away.

All right, back to Ian.  At the beginning of the episode he’s sitting in the kitchen, isolated from the family conversation, his arms crossed over his chest (and he’s wearing a particularly ill-fitting and ugly shirt-I’m usually down for offbeat wardrobe choices, but he just looks crappy), and he’s fuming.  There’s a bowl of cereal and a coffee mug at his place, but no sign of his pills-is he off them?  Is he manic?  We’ll never know.  Carl is bitching about his tuition, Ian asks him how much he needs, Carl says a little over four thousand, Ian says he’ll pay him five to kill Fiona.

Whoa, hold the phone.  We had to suffer thru the jail visit in 601 where he gave Mickey shit about it being his own fault he’s in there for the “attempted murder” of his “sister”, but now he’s maybe half joking (at best) about doing the same to his actual sister?  FUCK YOU, IAN.  Too soon, Shameless.  Too fucking soon.  

The only thing I was mildly interested in this week was how they were going to handle/explain Ian’s tryst with the old couple-did he really have oral sex with them both, or did he get the money by blackmailing them, and what would he tell Terror about it, and what would that asshole’s reaction be?  You know, other than a lecture-would he freak out that Ian “cheated” on him right after they got back together?  Would he dump Ian’s ass?  

At Patsy’s, Snore gives Ian his order-a soy latte, no foam, extra hot-Yes!  Ian is bringing Terror another crap soy drink at the center, right?  Wrong.  A dream finally comes true and we get another Terror-free episode, but this week I actually wanted to see him, because I wanted shit to go down.  Silly me, I let myself forget that every week Ian is a new character, a practically blank slate.