#sorry for rambling in the tags. still writing part 2 when I have time/motivation

[fnafawoundleftbleedingau]

Gonna be a while before I think I'll be drawing much beyond some planned doodles I said I'd do to a couple close friends, but... I'm curious, what FNaF AU drawings types from me sound more interesting..?

A random poll yes, but I'm curious, and ngl, I think I'm approaching one of those not so great "Spells" where I'm losing confidence in the things I'm well, supposed to be doing for fun. ^^;

[sharkneto]

hi!!!! I was rereading the shifting mirrors and holding it together since you finished joining together recently (it’s SO good, it’s so so SO good, your writing is always so well done and flows so well) and I had a couple questions. Sorry if this is weird - if you don’t want to answer them feel free to ignore this ask, I’m just curious!

1.) did you start writing joining together while you were still posting holding it together? a lot of the details I noticed in HIT were referenced in JT, and I was just kind of like ‘that’s a LOT of details to remember’ so I was wondering if you were working backwards !!

2.) have you ever thought about what happens at the end of HIT? do you think they would actually end up stopping the apocalypse, or would the commission try to come and correct them? I thought that was interesting - that the commission said they were done with five, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re done with the offshoot timeline ; if they hadn’t interfered prior, that would mean they were still on track for an apocalypse, right ? I like to speculate about this. with sheer strength of will I think that five would probably end up stopping it, mostly because he knows how to work through his rage rather than act on impulse again - and now he has the knowledge to try and connect the others so that viktor doesn’t feel so isolated.

3.) what was your favorite part of writing the story / what kept you motivated to keep it going ? I’ve started a couple chaptered fics, and then I get three or four chapters in and lose it completely.

I love, love, love the world youve created - I love the characters youve built and the personalities behind them. the dedication youve held on to to keep the series going is admirable; I can barely write 20k, much less hundreds of thousands of words. I was actually thinking of asking your permission to maybe write an offshoot of your offshoot (it might be the thing that gets me back into writing for tua) but idk if I’d have the imagination or creativity to make it nearly as compelling and fun as yours. Congratulations and great work on finishing it !! <333

this got long - feel free to ignore it if it’s overstepping or weird, lol !! I hope you’re doing well - have a great night, shark :)

Hey Toby! Glad you enjoyed it all so much and thanks for the kind words! It's a little surreal to have it done, JT has been a WIP almost as long as I've been into TUA.

I started writing JT before HIT. This whole series was supposed to be a Just For Me Fun Project while I rotted alone during the pandemic that I ended up sharing with permission from orsumfenix and encouragement from friends. I was a bit into JT, I think, when I started thinking about how fun it would be to get more siblings in here, and those musing became HIT. HIT got posted first because it had a lower barrier for entry, with more focus on the Hargreeves we know instead of OCs. So, because the stories were written more-or-less simultaneously, it was easy to reference one or set up something for the other. Working forwards and backwards, with the end of JT already written (in a rough draft) when I was writing HIT, so I knew where Rob, Sarah, and Number were coming off of at that point. (The tiny detail I'm most fond of is Allison in HIT noting that Number broke his nose at some point, and then in JT we get to see the stupid scenario in which he broke his nose.)

(rest under a readmore because I ramble)

I do have thoughts on what happens after HIT! More of a time jump, to Number's Apocalypse Week, and I've got words in a WIP started about that (and a few snips shared in my snip tag, although some I think I've changed some of the details, now). It goes... less smoothly than it should, for a guy who has (almost) all the details he needs. If motivation continues, I'll share that eventually. If it doesn't, I'll word-vomit an outline so at least people who are interested can know how it goes down. I don't see the Commission coming back - the people obsessed with Five are dead, and the organization is done with him. They don't have the resources to spare to keep going after him, so at least in Five and Number's timelines, they're out of the Commission's scope.

What kept me going was a combo of things. 2020-2022ish, I had a fuckton of time. I only worked three days a week because of covid protocols, I couldn't go anywhere because of covid, and I couldn't see anyone because of covid. I had four days a week to fill, and a lot of that time got filled with writing - all of HIT and the first draft of JT happened during this time, plus all the other fics I published throughout that time. What kept me going is that I was having a ton of fun writing and fun interacting with other people about my fics. Love, love, love talking about them (so never apologize for an ask like this, every fic writer is begging for an excuse to ramble like this). I liked thinking about the characters, thinking about Number doing mundane things I was doing made them more interesting, I liked thinking about Rob and Sarah's little romcom life, and I'm fascinated by Five's whole deal. My favorite part of writing these is Five (both versions of him) - thinking about him and how he'd react to x or y, how others react to him. I love that, at his core, he's kind of a loser. I love what an incredible vehicle for grief he is. He's a character of all time for me.

How to keep going, I don't have an easy answer for it. Some people outline, so they have the skeleton of what they're doing and where they're going. I'm not one of those people, I have an idea of the general shape and trajectory of the story and go from there, splitting up chapters as needed. I think it's important to not force it, or the writer's block gets worse and then you're stressed about writing instead of having fun with it, and that's no good - the point is to have fun. If you run out of steam, you run out of steam and you have to take a six-month hiatus until life calms down and you have words again (as a hypothetical example). Don't be afraid to poke at other ideas even if you have a giant fic unfinished. For having 25 fics on AO3, I have 35 other WIP files on my computer. Some of them have a couple hundred words, some have tens of thousands of words, some of them I'll come back to finish, some of them I won't. Such is life - some ideas have legs, others don't. I don't set out thinking "Oh this fic is going to be 50k words with 10 chapters". I just write until it feels done; sometimes that's 2k words, sometimes it's almost 200k words. The point I'm trying to make, here, is that we're all just fucking around having fun, and words flow easier when I'm remembering that and not stressing about being done or trying to finish for a self-imposed deadline. You've got it :)

Feel free to write in my little world! Would love to see what others are thinking about, what stuck with them. Just give me (and orsumfenix, if you use Number) a shoutout if you share it! And don't sell yourself short - I'm sure you've got great ideas and the chops to write them out. Don't compare yourself to me; you might write in a world I helped shape, but you've got your own voice and style to give it. I, for one (if you end up writing and sharing it), would love to hear your version of it all :)

[silversatoru]

Hi, I just finished burdens and OML 🥺🥺🥺

May I request some sort of megumi x reader continuous where the reader ends up becoming a powerful sorcerer (or a cursed spirit👀 whichever you’d like tbh) megumi and the reader somehow cross paths again a little while after the break up and he witnesses her fighting for the first time? I just know that boy would fall in love all over again but she’s moved on and he feels guilty and just angst? And maybe fluff idk. I’m new to requests so I hope I did this right, thank you so much❤️❤️

burdens pt. 2

a/n: hello, part two of this not-so-lovely story is finally here. every single one of you is allowed one free punch to my face for taking so long to write it,,, i’m so sorry. this is its fourth rewrite and it got a little darker than expected but it’s finally done,, i hope you enjoy <3

fushiguro megumi x f!reader

synopsis: you finally see megumi again at the kyoto sister school goodwill event

tags/warnings: angst, some graphic depictions of violence, character death

word count: 3k

“Do you know how tired I am of watching the people I love die? Things would be so much easier for me if you just stayed the fuck away”.

Megumi’s bitter words were on repeat in your head — the harshness of his voice leaving a hollow feeling carved into your chest. Tear-stained cheeks and shaky breathes had become your new normal these past few days. Tight, sharp pains filled your empty stomach, waves of nausea coursing through your body.

You’ve had no motivation to get out of bed lately, nevermind to shower or cook yourself a proper meal — honestly, for all you cared you could rot away in your blanket filled bed. You checked your phone like a fiend too, thinking that eventually, a miraculous text from Megumi would appear and make everything better. It never did.

He’d completely ghosted you since that dreadful day, and that hurt more than anything. You’d held onto a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't meant what he said. But as the days continued to pass, your hope quickly dwindled.

To say your current state was shameful was putting it lightly, and you were embarrassed at how poorly this was effecting you. You liked to think that you were strong, motivated, independent — that you didn't need some douchebag just to feel happy. But truth be told, breakups are fucking hard, and it's okay to not be okay for a while — or at least that's what you kept telling yourself.

So when you were trudging miserably down the street to your local convenience store and you saw a familiar pair of jujutsu sorcerers, you wanted desperately to sink into the ground. You made a quick turn to head to a different shop, but it was too late, you were spotted.

“y/n! hey!” Two lighthearted voices sang through the air, filling your ears and making your heart clench in your chest.

You turned around and anxiously approached them, your unkempt hair and baggy eyes sending looks of concern across their faces.

“Hey girl, you good?” Nobara shot you a sideways glance, Maki raising a suspicious eyebrow.

“Yeah, uh, ice cream,” You croaked, speaking for the first time in a couple days, “I’m here for ice cream, that’s all”.

“Yeah, but why do you look like a fucking zombie?” Maki pushed her eyeglasses further up her nose, her sharp eyes looking you up and down.

“Ah, he didn’t say anything to you guys, did he?” You shook your head, heavy eyes falling to ground as you refused to meet theirs.

“Don’t tell me…” Nobara’s face contorted, “Did he break up with you?”

You nodded, a pitiful chuckle falling from your lips, because if you didn’t laugh, you’d start sobbing right now.

Maki threw her arm around your shoulder, pulling you to her side and ushering you into the store, “It’s okay, men suck. Hang out with us today”.

Meanwhile, Nobara trailed quickly behind the two of you, anger seething from her teeth and steam practically billowing out of her ears.

“That fuckhead! I swear I’ll fuck his shit up big time, he won’t even know what fucking hit him. I knew that boy was stupid but shit, this is a whole new low for him! I-,” She continued to ramble and rant as Maki led you through the store, picking out drinks and snacks to help ease your pain.

The three of you ended up in a nearby park, sitting around a small picnic table and gorging on the massive array of snacks. Lighthearted conversation and lots of food make your chest ache a little less, and you even found yourself laughing and chatting as if things were normal. You’d told the two of them all about that day, about Megumi’s irrational words and his tragic breakdown that led to some kind of fucked-up break up sex.

“So, how are we gonna get back at him? Egg his car? Put bleach in his shampoo? Bugs in his food? God - it’s a shame his dad is dead because from the pictures I’ve seen that man was FINE and revenge sex—,”

“Nobara,” Maki shot her idiot girlfriend a dirty look, and the orange-haired girl quickly shut her mouth, “As much as I support any idea that revolves around ruining a man’s day, I don’t think revenge is the healthiest coping strategy here”.

You were tracing your eyes around Maki’s face as she spoke, and you found yourself carefully inspecting her purple glasses that rested softly on the bridge of her nose. And that’s when it clicked, the light bulb ignited in your head and you knew exactly what you wanted to do.

“Maki,” your voice was urgent, “You don’t have cursed energy, you can’t even see them without your glasses!”

Her face twisted and her nose scrunched, a look of distaste in her eyes, “I know?”

“So, you could teach me, right? You could help me learn how to use some cursed weapons?”

“Yeah! You have to Maki, then she can beat his ass with me,” Nobara chimed in.

“That’s not a bad idea actually,” Maki’s mouth formed an evil grin, “Could you imagine his face after watching you exorcise a curse?”

The three of your conversed for a bit longer, speculating and potting about training, weapons, and your very own pair of curse-seeing glasses. By the end of the night you had a plan, and a pretty good one if you say so yourself.

From that day on, teary eyes and achy hearts were a thing of the past, not because it was that easy to get over Megumi, but because Maki didn’t even allow you the time to feel dismal anymore. You met her everyday after classes without fail, and everyday she would train you until you thought your arms would fall off. After months and months of sore muscles, sweat, and the occasional injury, you were convinced that Maki was incapable of feeling pity or remorse for other living things. Every time you speculated about quitting, she’d set a fire under you, unafraid to remind you how weak you still were.

The green-haired sorcerer had ultimately decided that you worked best dual-armed -- a long, lightweight blade in each hand. On your final day of training, she officially gifted the two swords to you, as a “graduation” gift.

Skill-wise, you were by no means as incredible Maki, but you definitely held your own, and the progress you’d made in a mere 8 months was astronomical. They’d introduced you to a strange silver-haired man at some point, Gojo, who had taken not only an interest in you but also your plot against your ex-boyfriend. He cackled to himself when you told him why you were here, going on and on about how priceless Megumi’s face would be when he saw you.

Your appearance was highly anticipated, so why not debut at one of the biggest jujutsu events all year? The Kyoto Sister School Goodwill Event — Gojo thought it was the most perfect idea.

You tried hard to exude confidence as you walked at Nobara and Maki’s sides, but behind your arrogant facade your stomach was twisting itself into knots. Truthfully, you were scared to see Megumi again after so long.

And when your eyes met with his as you walked into the meeting room, you thought you just might pass out. You thought you were ready for this — but the look of complete shock, fear, and anger on his face as he looked you up and down almost made you regret all of it.

“What’s going on?” Megumi’s words were incredibly calculated, an edge on his voice.

His question was pointless, however, because judging by the fact that you were wearing a jujutsu tech uniform and had two swords sheathed at your sides could only mean one thing. Your hair was longer now too, and your frame was wider with an extra layer of muscle from all the training — you almost looked like a different person.

“I’ve been training with Maki, I-,” You spoke up to explain yourself, but you weren’t even granted the opportunity.

“No, no, Maki, what the hell did you do?” His eyes were shaky and laced with concern.

“I only did what she asked me to. I’m not the one who gave her a complex about being weak, you did that,” Maki shrugged, “and she’s not your girlfriend anymore dude, what do you care?”

Absolute confliction flashed through his eyes, uncertainty and madness swirling in his irises, “You’re right, I don’t care. Let me know when the event is starting”.

He took a sharp turn out of the room and let the door slam a little too hard behind him. The sound of his icey voice and the door shutting with unkind force was all too reminiscent of the night you broke up. Burying every emotion you had deep into your stomach you gave Maki a small, reassuring smile and plopped down on one of the couches.

“Alright, so when does this thing start?”

after the start of the event

Fighting the Kyoto students was proving to be much harder than you initially expected, but you were holding your own at Maki’s side. The two of you had easily taken down a small, kind, blue haired girl named Miwa, and now you were watching an emotional battle between Maki and her sister unfold.

Wait here, she’d told you, I want to do this one myself. Take some notes on my form and watch our backs, okay?

Okay, you’d said, a little confused but ultimately finding a nice spot up in a thick tree to carefully observe from. Maki was truly a force of nature, and it seemed like the other girl never actually had a chance of winning. It was honestly only a few minutes before the small black, haired girl was slumped against a tree and Maki was making her way back to you. Things were looking good, two of Kyoto’s student’s were down already and adrenaline was pumping through your veins.

You couldn't quite shake the awful feeling churning in your stomach though, and Megumi’s face was haunting your thoughts. You hadn’t seen him since before the event started, when an odd, pink haired boy jumped out of a box and freaked everyone out. Nobara had later explained who he was and what had happened, and you wondered how many awful surprises Gojo had planned today -- first you, then that.

A small rumble rippled under your feet, and Maki grabbed your arm as you watched a giant brown vine lurch it’s way out of the ground a few hundred yards in the distance.

“That technique doesn’t belong to anyone from Kyoto,” She shot you a look of concern and determination, “let’s go check it out”.

You gave her a firm nod, the two of you making your way towards the horrifying wooden vines. By the time you managed to arrive, Inumaki was already down and so was a dark-haired boy from Kyoto. A muscular, white curse with black markings and wooden branches for eyes was moments away from taking Megumi on all by himself — thank god you got here in time to help.

Megumi, however, was horrified when he saw you jump over the tall roofed building with Maki at your side. He’d just watched two incredible sorcerers get their shit rocked by this curse, there was no way you would stand a chance against this thing. But before he could even try to stop you, you and the green-haired sorcerer were flying through the air and taking shots at the curse. The two of you worked perfectly in sync, the months of daily training finally paying off.

He watched with intent glazed over his eyes, his heart threatening to lurch up his throat. You were a spectacle, and he always thought you were beautiful but seeing you now with dirt and blood stained clothes, cursed weapons gripped firmly in your hands, you truly were ethereal. He hated it though, he hated that he was falling in love with you all over again, especially under these circumstances. Guilt and anxiety was eating away at him — why did you have to get involved? Why couldn’t you have just stayed away like he told you to?

He was quick to join the two of you, sticking close to your side to protect you if need be — but, even with all three of you together the curse still had the upper hand. Maki had been swatted to the side, her back slamming hard against one of the tiled roofs and knocking her unconscious. It was down to just the two of you now, beads of sweat causing your hair to uncomfortably stick to the back of your neck. This was something that Maki’s training could have never prepared you for.

Megumi was getting tired, taking one wrong step and losing his footing momentarily. The curse saw this as a perfect window of opportunity, sending a spiral of vines and branches hurling for Megumi. It was fast, but the adrenaline coursing through you helped you to move faster, launching yourself through the air and intercepting the attack. The barky, wooden vines twisted violently through your stomach, shooting clean through your back and ripping a violent scream from your throat.

It hurt so bad, feeling the plant wriggle through your organs and tear you apart from the inside out. The curse retracted his vine a few moments later, leaving your mangled body to fall helplessly to the roof. Tears rippled from your eyes, your body shaking and seizing as you coughed up a few sprays of blood.

A long, strong pair of arms scooped you up instantaneously, and your head was resting against a firm chest — probably Megumi, but you didn’t quite have the energy to open your eyes to check.

“We’ll take it from here, get her to Ieiri!” You heard a pair of deep voices yelling to Megumi, but it was too foggy and far away for you to understand what they were saying.

Megumi was seething with anger, moving as fast as his feet could carry him and he ran through the school. As you waved in and out of consciousness, you batted open your eyes, stealing quick glances at his twisted features and — were those tears on his face?

“I- I’m sorry Megumi… I think I finally understand what you were so afraid of all this time,” Your voice was barely a croak, “when I saw it coming, I couldn’t stomach the thought of having to watch you die. I suddenly just thought I would do anything to keep you safe”.

Yeah, those were definitely tears, you could see them a little clearer now. His eyes were red and his cheeks were dried with salty streaks.

“You’re so thick-headed,” he mumbled, his grip around you tightening slightly as he picked up his pace, “I wish you would have made that realization before there was a giant hole in your stomach”.

“Me too,” You hummed, but you weren’t really in any pain anymore. The pain had subdued to a sweet warm sensation inside your stomach, and an intoxicating sleepiness was washing over your head, “I was angry for a long time, but I’m not mad at you anymore, Gumi. I hope you can forgive me too”.

You offered him a tiny smile, but the blood leaking from between you keeps made it anything but sweet.

“There’s nothing to forgive you for, you never did anything wrong,” He spoke quickly, his voice quiet and cracking.

“No, but we’re not gonna make it to Ieiri, I know that and so do you,” You fell into a violent fit of coughs again, sputtering red splatters all over the front of his uniform.

“Shut up”.

“It’s not your fault, none of it was ever your fault,” you choked out once the fit of coughs subsided — and you weren’t just talking about yourself, you were talking about all of the unfortunate tragedies he’d witnessed throughout this life.

“And you’re allowed to be selfish sometimes, you know? I hope that when you meet someone, your soulmate even, you can allow yourself to love them with every part of you”.

The words painfully left your lips, but you meant every single one of them. You were starting to realize that you and Megumi were never meant to make it to the end. You weren’t his soulmate, you were here to help him grow, so that when he did finally meet them he’d be ready.

“You deserve to be loved, Megumi,” You looked up at him with big eyes, but his face was starting to get really fuzzy now.

Your fingers were going numb and your mouth felt like it was filled with sand. You were so tired, letting your eyes flutter shut and your head rest softly against Megumi’s chest. You felt him stop running, you could even hear him screaming at you — but it was too far away for you to hear. You drifted closer and closer to eternal sleep, your soul swollen with love for the boy who broke your heart.

Megumi didn’t even feel sad when you stopped breathing in his arms — he just felt hollow. More empty and broken than he’d ever thought possible. You were the most incredible person he’d ever met — someone with extreme motivation, who acted with no fear or hesitation, who always had love to give, even when he didn’t deserve it. He’d never forget you, not for as long as he’d live anyway.

Even when he did meet a new girl a few years later — a compassionate, brave girl, who reminded him a lot of you — he wouldn’t forget. He wouldn’t forget your words and for the first time in his life he’d let his walls down for her. He’d allow himself to truly love, and be loved in return.

And maybe you were right, maybe he did deserve to be loved like this, because god, he finally feels whole again when she’s around. He just wishes you were still here so he could say thank you.

[weareallstoriesintheend]

Take Your Time (Reader x Zemo)

Zemo wakes from a nightmare and unfortunately it seems to have awoken some of your fears too

Word Count: 1,242

Warnings: Mentions of death. I just can’t stop writing these two apparently

Part 3 of the Escape Series, Here is Part 1 & Part 2

Zemo Tag List: @lucky-luck-lucky @neoarchipelago @mrs-mischief-209 @londoninamerica

He jolts awake with a muffled shout; you instantly reach out to him in the dimly lit darkness. Light from the moon was shining directly into the bedroom, illuminating it in a barely there blue-white glow. You had already been awake for a few minutes, the sound of him shouting in his sleep waking you from your own disturbed slumber. He had been slurring sleepily in a mix of English and Sokovian, face screwed up tight, when you had sat up to see if he was okay.

Now he blinked at you, eyes darting still in that confusing place between asleep and awake. Sitting up a little more you ran your hand tenderly across his face, your other hand on his chest to steady his breathing. He stared at you, eyes wide, but didn’t speak – his expression made it look like he was trying to work out if you were real or not.

“You’re alright” you cooed, without a word he pulled himself to you and buried himself as close to you as he could, like he was trying to climb inside your skin. As he leant against you both of you fell back against the pillows softly, you gathering him in your arms. You shushed and soothed him, stroking his hair as he breathed heavily.

“My wife… all I could see was my wife” he whispered after some time.

“It was just a nightmare” you replied, voice calm and quiet. His chest was moving at a slower pace now; you hoped he would just drift back off to sleep. He needed the rest.

“It’s her birthday today” he said into momentary silence.

You internally flinched; you never found conversations about his wife comfortable and as he lay naked in your arms it felt even more out of place. But you couldn’t leave him to deal with this alone, “I’m sorry I didn’t know”

“How would you? I’ve never told you. I should tell you more about them” he said, voice still slightly slurred. He was rambling like his thoughts had no filter and you stroked your hand down his back in comforting circles. You loved hearing about his family but every so often the encroaching guilt would overwhelm your anxiety. It’s not like you didn’t understand what had happened but in your mind it wasn’t like they had separated or divorced, she had died. One day she was just gone from his life and you knew he would always want her back – if she hadn’t died he wouldn’t be here with you and that felt like an impossible fact to forget.

“We used to buy her the same cake every year, it didn’t matter cause it still made her smile” he laughed quietly recalling the memory, “I miss that smile”

“I can never replace them, I can’t ever replace… her” you said suddenly, hesitating on your last word when you realised what you were doing. The words had just fallen out of your mouth and as he pulled back from his hold on you to sit up again, the sheets draped around his shoulders, it was like a shot of adrenaline and you scrambled “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that I-I’m still half asleep, forgive me. I’m sorry… go on what were y-“ He stopped you by pushing your hair back out of your face and shushing you gently, his face drawn down in empathy. You felt selfish and a pit developed in your stomach, tears stung in your eyes as they pricked against your eyelashes when you looked away from him.

“I don’t need you to replace anything” he whispered, kissing your cheek lightly “My wife is gone my love, I have come to terms with that. My life is different now but that doesn’t mean I can’t remember. Even if I want different things now, even if my life has moved on she will always be part of it but that doesn’t mean-“

“-What if I can’t be what you need me to be?” you interrupted him, voice thick with the emotion stuck in your throat. You couldn’t stop yourself despite how much a voice in your mind was screaming at you to let it go. The thought of pushing him away was unbearable to you now, you were insecure about a woman who was no longer living and that felt ridiculous and self-centred all the same.

“Yourself?”

“What?”

“You can’t be yourself? Cause that is all I need from you.” he smiled sweetly and tapped the tip of your nose affectionately. He took a breath, as if stilling his own emotions, before continuing “You already saved me. I don’t mean literally, from that prison, but in here” he tapped his temple as he spoke.

You reached for him, wanting to stop the conversation and just go back to sleep, but he grabbed your arms and shook his head “When the Dora came for me at the memorial I was already willing to die, I understand James’s motives when he put that gun to my head. I should be long gone. But then I met you and you helped me realise I still had so much life left to give and I wanted to give it to you. You are the woman who brought me extra food, who cared when the cuffs broke the skin at my ankles, who listened to me talk about my home. You understood my message, my motives and you didn’t judge me for my actions.”

Your tears finally spilled over, still feeling sick with regret you wished he would stop talking. In this moment you should have been caring for him but in your sleep-addled state you weren’t able to stop the word vomit of your fears. You felt guilty because he had done nothing but soothed you when he should have been angry.

He had lost so much, he was a widow and there wasn’t even a name for him losing his child because it’s too damn painful for words, and yet here he sat with only words of compassion for you. You wept for a man whose heart was so damaged and yet so full. He masked his pain in cruelty and violence but here with you, when he could so easily do those things, he chose empathy. “I don’t need you to replace my wife, no one ever could. But if it makes you feel better… she would have really liked you”

“And your son?”

“You apparently have access to the best Turkish delight I’ve ever tasted it, you’d have won him over in a heartbeat” he chucked his thumb under your chin teasingly. You smiled shyly and wrapped your arms around his neck; you pulled so that you could bury your face into his warm skin. He dragged you closer, wrapping his own arms around you and hoisting you into the curve of his side as he nestled back against the pillows with a soft sigh.

“All of this still feels so fast and out of control I know. But whatever life I have left to live I want to spend it with someone who doesn’t treat me like I’m dangerous”

“You’re not dangerous, not really” you protested, trying to sit up but he held you tightly. “Shhh, let’s go back to sleep dear one” he whispered, stroking strands of your hair through his fingers, “I’m a patient man milaya, you can take your time. I’m not going anywhere”

[teamhappyme]

a series of promising events (2/5)

aaron hotchner x female!reader

word count: 10.6k (yeah i have a spacing problem)

a/n: part 2 of this series is here! some dialogue, cases, and themes taken directly from criminal minds (S03 EP20, S04 EP01, & S05 EP08). originally, i had it planned to be 3 parts, but after editing, and looking at the word count, it makes more sense to be 5 parts. i don’t want to inundate you lovely people with massive word counts (even though 10k is massive) so this is the finalized count. because i finally got my shit together and finished this out, part 3 will be up wednesday morning, part 4 will be up friday morning, and the final part 5 will be up sunday morning. thank you to everyone who showed some love for part one, and thank you to anyone else who stumbled across my crazy writing and read along!

at the end, I’ve tagged the peeps that interacted with part 1. if you don’t want to be tagged for the other parts, just let me know :)

ok enough of my rambling inner monologue, here we go friends!

link to part 1: here

****

May 2008

We were in New York, investigating what started out as five connected shootings in the city. After twelve hours, we were up to nine fatalities.

We delivered the profile at nine thirty, finally satisfied with the outcome after a day's worth of combing over crime scene photos and witness statements. Hotch didn’t want to waste another second, making sure the profile went out before the night shift went out to patrol.

“Now, our first theory is that we’re dealing with a team.” Derek started. “In the case of the D.C. snipers, there was actually one intended victim.”

“John Muhammad wanted to kill his ex wife, but he knew if he did, he’d be the prime suspect, so he created a spree in order to mask his primary motivation.” 

Spencer added before turning to SSA Joyner. “Muhammad and Malvo also left a death card at one of their scenes, just like this unsub.”

“We believe our unsubs have studied that case. They’re opening a line of communication.” 

There was an outpouring of judgement focused on us, since we were in charge of the D.C. snipers case as well. These unsubs know we’re here, and they’re trying to show they can outthink us.

“Yes, they are playing games. But what that tells us is at least one of them has some intelligence.” You tried to hold your ground, and not let their opinions get to you.

“And like I said,” Prentiss interrupted, ready to put these cops in their place. “They know these cases. He’s also studied the placement of the surveillance systems well enough to avoid detection.”

“We’ve asked officers to canvass their precincts, and look out for a father-son type of duo that fit the dominant-submissive profile.” Rossi had Reid hand out some gang related profiles, just in case the profile shifted. But we were pretty confident in our first go. 

“Talk to the people on your beats, look out for anything suspicious. And let's pray that this isn’t random.” The detective in charge finished and let his precinct disperse. 

“Hey y/n/n, we’re gonna head back in five if you want a spot in the fun suburban.” JJ teased and lightly shoved Spencer’s shoulder. 

You smiled and started packing up your backpack. “Okay. Just, leave the fragile doctor alone.” 

After packing up any files you wanted to review when you got back to the hotel room, you let Morgan and Rossi know the four of you were headed out. They weren’t much further behind with Prentiss and Garcia. 

You met Reid and JJ in the lobby, droopy eyes and mouths full of yawns adorning the three of you. It was a long day, and it was only going to be worse tomorrow. 

“Where’s Hotch?” You asked, ready to get your feet out of these narrow leather dress shoes. You were wearing your combat boots tomorrow. 

“He’s checking in with the lady friend.” JJ nodded her head toward Hotch, who was conversing with Joyner in her office. They were standing close, and you thought you caught a smile on his face. “Do you think they’re into each other?”

“She looks like she could be Haley’s twin,” Spencer added and you sighed. 

The moment the team arrived at HQ this morning, everybody noticed the resemblance to Hotch’s ex-wife. SSA Kate Joyner went pretty far back with our unit chief. They went through the academy together and had some assignments overlap over the years. If it were up to Morgan and Garcia, the two of them would be out on a date right now. But you and Rossi quickly quieted the rumors, not wanting to deal with the rage that was Aaron Hotchner if he knew we were discussing his love life. 

It had barely been six months since Haley left with Jack, and Hotch had just taken off his wedding band a few weeks ago. He didn’t tell any of you until you all witnessed him getting served in the office. It slapped you across the face, especially since you’d just met Haley and Jack for a quick lunch a month and a half before. I guess she wanted Hotch to tell you when he was ready. 

As much as you valued your three year friendship with Aaron Hotchner, you knew Haley deserved better. Hotch adored his wife and son, and would fight heaven and earth to keep them safe. Unfortunately, he was too busy fighting the demons from hell to be a present father and husband. Everyone had their breaking point, and Haley had hit hers. From what Hotch has told you, they’re still amicable, and are trying to be friends again. After all, it wasn’t a lack of love that ended their marriage. It was a lack of prioritizing his family. 

“Knock it off. He’s on his way over.” The three of you turned to one another, pretending to hold an intriguing conversation about one of Spencer’s magic tricks. Truthfully, you were always intrigued in his magic tricks; you never understood how he could pull endless quarters out of your ear. But that conversation would have to wait for another day. 

“Ready to go?” Hotch pulled the keys out of his pant pocket, and the three of you nodded as Spencer called shotgun. A smile crossed your lips, never getting over the jovial things Spencer loved to claim when his intellect wasn’t needed to solve a case.

The fifteen minute ride to the hotel downtown was silent. You were all exhausted, emotionally and physically, sick of having to watch people die over and over again. 

The four of you made it into the lobby, tomorrow morning’s papers already spread across the table. “The late edition didn’t miss a beat.” You said and picked up one of the papers, the headline reading ‘Execution Style’ with a still from one of the murders. You showed it to Hotch and he shook his head. 

“I’m glad I never stooped to this level when I was publishing.” You murmured, reading the first paragraph of the article. 

“JJ,” Spencer started and pointed across the lobby, causing all of us to turn. It was Detective Will LaMontagne Jr., JJ’s adorably chivalrous Louisiana boyfriend. 

“Will.” You could practically hear the smile on her face as she led the walk over to him.

He was supposed to fly into D.C. to visit JJ for the weekend, but came to surprise her in New York when he heard the news. Spencer and I shared a look as Hotch extended a hand to him. 

“Detective.”

“I’m sorry for showing up like this, I know you’re working. But, um. I can’t stand you being on this case. And me not being here, not with what’s going on.”

JJ shook her head in the slightest, and you started to get nervous.

“Is there a problem?” Hotch asked, concern completely taking over his voice at the thought of any harm happening to his team. The couple shared a knowing look, and your patience was starting to run thin with the information being withheld. JJ meant the world to you, and you wanted to make sure she was okay.

Reluctantly, she turned to face you all, a shy smile covering her face. “I’m pregnant.” 

Spencer looked over at you, not knowing how to react to the news. But you couldn’t help the smile widening on your face. 

“Oh my god, JJ! Congratulations!” You wrapped your arms around her and she laughed, most likely out of relief. This was a secret she kept for a long time.

“I’ve asked JJ to marry me,” 

“Will.” She cut him off as Hotch gave him a congratulatory handshake. 

“We’re working out some kinks.” He added as Spencer was next to hug your blonde friend. A baby, in the BAU. You might have been more excited than JJ.

“We’ll, uh, give you both some privacy.” Hotch started towards the elevator, and JJ was quick to follow. 

“Hotch,” She didn’t continue, you knew this wasn’t the exact situation she wanted to tell everyone she was having a baby. 

“JJ, you could have told me.”  

The tenderness in his voice could have broken your heart in two right then and there, but add on the fact that you swore you could see Hotch’s eyes tear in the slightest, you were done. You didn’t want to mention it in front of Reid, but you knew this had to do with Haley. You’d be an idiot not to notice.

The three of you filed into the elevator, leaving JJ and Will to talk in private. You all got off on the fourth floor, Reid’s room the first to come up in the hallway. 

“Night Spencer.” 

“Goodnight. Seven a.m.,” He reminded you as he opened the door with his keycard.

You and Hotch walked down another ten feet before he found his room. 

“Goodnight,” He mumbled out and reached for his key. 

“Hotch,” He closed his eyes, nodding his head in the slightest. 

“I’m tired, y/n.” You could’ve pushed harder. You could have gotten him to crack if you started nagging enough. You’d earned the title as baby sister from the team since you could whine and nag them into doing anything. But tonight didn’t seem like a good time for your skills. 

You nodded, understanding this conversation wasn’t going to happen. 

“Goodnight. Get some sleep.”

Despite your best efforts, you didn’t sleep a wink. Hotch had gone over his files and called for Kate to meet him in the lobby. But then there was an explosion, and you had to watch from your window as Hotch sat by Joyner, waiting for her to die.

Once the team had caught the second unsub and wrapped everything up at the precinct, you headed to the hospital to check on Hotch. And unsurprisingly, he was refusing any further treatment for the ringing in his ears he tried to deny. You saw him kick Rossi out of the room, the third member that couldn’t get through to him. 

“Bobo, why don’t you give it a try. Can’t yell at the baby with a broken arm.” You were the one to tackle the unsub, and landed pretty hard on the pavement downtown. Nothing a black cast covered in smiley faces from Spencer and Garcia couldn’t fix. 

“I know you can’t tell, but I’m flipping you off right now.” You responded to Morgan as you raised your casted hand toward him.

You headed to Hotch’s room, knocking on the window before you walked in. 

“I swear to god if you try to put me in another MRI,” He started to raise his voice when you interrupted him.

“Shit, I should go tell Morgan he was wrong. Boss is willing to yell at the baby with a broken arm.”

He turned around to face you, the lines on his forehead disappearing once he saw it was you and not Rossi. 

“What happened to your arm?” You smiled and glanced down at the cast. “Just another day on the job. Tackled the unsub, the pavement was not very kind to me.”

He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to put his tie back around his neck. You scoffed, stepping over to him. 

“Why the hell would you want to put that back on?” 

“Because it’s part of my suit.” 

You knew better than to pull it out of his hands. He was holding on to any semblance of control, and his outfit was all that he had left. Instead you took a seat in the stiff chair across from him, watching as he grimaced every time he lifted his arms too high. 

“If your goal is to get me to stay another minute here under observation, you’re not gonna win.” 

You shook your head. “That’s not my goal.”

He sighed, giving up on putting his tie on. He moved to finish his top button, he was at least going to be covered. 

“You should be excited for JJ.” You started, testing the water on this subject. 

“Did I suggest otherwise?” He asked and you shook your head. 

“When was the last time you saw Jack?” His eyes widened the slightest, and you regretted asking the question. You gripped the arms of the chair, ready to be ripped a new one. 

Instead, Hotch let out a sigh, and you snapped your head up. “Two weeks. Haley went to visit her mother for a week, and then we went from Florida to New York in three days.”

He was already away from Jack half the week when they were still living under the same roof. Now he was lucky if he got to say goodnight on a weekend. 

“Why don’t you take some time off? I’m sure you have weeks saved up. I’ve been here three years and have never seen a tan on you.” 

He shook his head. “Strauss would never approve of it.”

“Hotch,” 

“Y/n, I really want to get out of this hospital room and call my son.” You shook your head, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“Fine. But you’re not flying home. You have a choice between Morgan and Rossi to drive you home. My recommendation would be Morgan, you don’t want to sit through four hours of Opera music.” 

You stood up, refusing to meet his eye. You were sick of dealing with stubborn men. 

“I’ll see if they can fax your records to D.C. before we leave.” 

He muttered out a thank you as you left the room, shaking your head at the rest of the team.

“Nothing?” Morgan asked as you returned to them. 

“Nothing. Even the baby gets yelled at.” Spencer spared you a glance and you gave him a small smile. You would be fine. “And Derek, you’re driving him back.”

***

January 2010

You didn’t think it could get worse than seeing Hotch with nine stab wounds at the hands of Foyet. You desperately wanted to believe that it couldn’t be worse than that. But you were naive to think that he would let Aaron survive and not make him suffer.

None of you would be able to erase the image of Haley’s bloody body lying in the home where she and Aaron created their family. You wouldn’t forget the sight of Hotch beating into Foyet’s face, or the sobs that raked through his body once Derek had shaken him off. This was a tragedy that shaped the entire team.

After Haley’s death, the seven of you took turns checking in on Hotch, Jack, and Haley’s sister Jessica. She stayed close by when Hotch was on leave, helping him with Jack’s routine, and how to explain to the four year old where his mommy went. She moved back into her apartment a few blocks away before Aaron returned to work. He wanted to prove to her that he could do this on his own, that he could be the strong father that Jack deserved, and that Haley would be proud of.

While the three of them were together, the team would try and make it over every Saturday for dinner. Hotch needed to be around friends, and Jessica needed a guilt free night to spend with the people that made her feel good. He was reluctant at first, not wanting us over the apartment, complaining that it was a mess, and it was too small to fit everyone. But it was impeccably neat, the result of a widow not being able to sleep. Once he became comfortable with us coming around on Saturday’s, we’d pick two weeknights to stop by with a dinner, movie, or game to help take their minds off of the pain. Although you and JJ stopped by every friday regardless of whose week it was, Hotch really appreciated the extra company, and so did Jack.

Despite his attempts at being independent, there were one too many distressed calls being made to you or JJ if he couldn’t get a hold of Jess, or if he didn’t want to burden her with the responsibility. 

Your feelings about Jack Hotchner hadn’t changed in the four years since you met him. You would still do anything to see the adorable little boy smile. So, it was easy to say that you didn’t mind the late night phone calls worrying about Jack’s stuffy nose or when he should take the chicken out of the freezer without it going bad. Because the more he reached out to any one of you, the closer he was to finding a new normal. 

However, all of you were surprised to see SSA Aaron Hotchner in his office only a month and a half after the event. Sure, he made remarkable progress, but you all assumed he would take a little more time, maybe take Jack on a well deserved vacation. Instead, you walked into the office on a monday morning, Hotch the first one in attendance. 

That was two weeks ago. 

The readjustment period had worn off, and Hotch was back to being a drill sergeant. Even more aggressive than he was before. 

The case we were working was local, saving us the discomfort of sleeping in a hotel bed. We were in Virginia, investigating two murdered families, similar to ‘The Fox’.

“Who?” You asked, not familiar with the creepy nickname.

“Four years ago Karl Arnold, aka the fox, killed eight families.” Derek informed you. It must have been just before you started at the BAU. 

“Similar to this case he took the father’s wedding rings, except in his case he took them as trophies.” Spencer finished.

“Hotch, you gave evidence at Arnold’s trial. I think you should go see him.” Derek was acting unit chief since before Haley’s death, and continued his position even with Hotch’s return. Strauss was weary now more than ever to give Aaron the title back so quick.

“I’d like to take l/n with me.” You looked over to Hotch, his eyes resting on yours, waiting for your approval. 

You gave a small nod, placing your sunglasses over your eyes. “Okay. Let’s go.”

Hotch got the keys to a suburban and before you could meet him at the car, Prentiss pulled you back. 

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay with this?” She was always looking out for you, heck she was the one that made you pack extra barf bags for crime scenes. She knew meeting face to face with a family killer would do a number on you. But Hotch can’t face this guy on his own. Not after what happened.

“I’m good. Not the first time I've interrogated a psychopath.” She reluctantly nodded. 

“Okay. Just, let Hotch take the lead.” 

You gave her arm a squeeze. “I will. Let’s find this guy.”

The ride to Red Onion Supermax was a short and quiet one. Hotch filled you in on the particulars of Arnold’s case, making sure you knew it inside and out. This was a team effort after all. 

You couldn’t get a clean read on Hotch, however, on the ride over. He’d yet to crack a true smile or laugh in the weeks he’d been back, which normally wouldn’t be so out of character for him. But Reid had been trying to get him to crack with every magic trick he knew, even agreeing to let Derek joke about his lack of childhood and understanding of pop culture. But nothing worked. 

It worried you to see the regression he’s made since coming back. You knew how happy he was at home with Jack, that a smile crossed his face most of the day when he was playing legos with his son. You hoped he was here because he wanted to be, not because he felt like he had an obligation to the team or the Bureau. 

“Karl has a big ego. He’s going to answer every question with a question. He’ll try to gain the advantage with me by asking why I’m not wearing my wedding ring.” You looked down at his left hand, the gold band that you noticed on your first day, now gone, along with the woman he loved. “And then he will turn his attention to you.”

“So that’s why you brought me along.”

“Your presence will throw him off guard. And he’s going to want to describe to you in graphic detail every sexual act he committed with the families.”

“To freak me out?” Because you haven’t even met this sick bastard and you were certainly already freaked out. 

Hotch met your eye, and you knew this was only going to get worse. “To pull you into his fantasy.”

The guard radioed for the gate to open, and you tried to contain the tremors in your hands. This was a wing of psychotic sexual sadists, they would pick up on your nervous ticks.

You looked to Hotch once the gate opened, and he nodded for you to go in. 

“Go ahead.” You followed the guard in, surprised at the lack of noise you were welcomed with. “Keep your eyes forward. More than anything he’s going to want to see images of the children.”

“We can’t give him that.” You argued, as you started to hear the men from their cells. 

“We have to give him something or we’ll get nothing from him.” 

You’d kept your breathing under control the entire walk down the hallway, until a man crashed against the glass, causing you to flinch and spare a glance.

“Isn’t that, uh,-” 

“Derek Payne.” He finished for you, his eyes still straight ahead. 

“It’s reinforced glass.” You scoffed. Of course he wasn’t worried about another man ripping him apart.

“Easy for you to say, he tore apart fourteen women.”

The door opened to the interrogation room, and this time Hotch entered first. You were met with Karl Arnold, red bushy hair and a beard to match. He was average height, and a little stocky, not what you pictured him to look like.

“Hello Karl,” Hotch greeted him as we settled in on the other side of the table.

“Agent Hotchner,” He stood. “I wasn’t informed you were bringing a, uh,” He glanced at you, looking you up and down before turning back to Hotch. You really regretted wearing a white silk top with your dress pants today. “They just said two agents.”

“This is Agent-” 

“Y/n, l/n.” You tried to control the dilation of your eyes as he looked right through you. “I know all about you.”

Now you understood why Emily asked you if you were sure about this. He kept his eyes on Hotch as he started the interrogation, never looking you in the eyes longer than a second. Even if you directed a question toward him, he would only answer to Hotch. He was a misogynist. You don’t know why you’re so surprised at this discovery, he tortured wives and families.

When he offered up his book of dialogue between him and his fans, he smelled your perfume as you reached across the table to grab it. Hotch quickly took it for you, letting you sit back down in your seat. Your gut was no longer in your stomach, it was lodged in your throat. 

“How’d you lose your ring, Agent Hotchner?” It was beyond your level of profiling to understand how Hotch could just sit there and take the assault on his personal life from a man who ruined families, especially with what he’d just been through. You’d never mastered the art of compartmentalization quite like Hotch. But right now, you were thankful for your uncontrollable emotions.

“I can look past your refusal to answer my question, if you let me see the children. It’s the only way I can truly help you.” You gripped the files harder at the mention of the victims and looked at Hotch. 

“Can I speak with you for a second?” He nodded and the two of you stood. 

“Is there something wrong, y/n?” You bit back the sarcasm that was threatening to fall from your mouth. 

“Nothing’s wrong, Karl.”

You exited the interrogation room, still clutching the files close to your chest. 

“We cannot show him these.”

 He looked at Arnold, who seemed to find your eyes, even through the reflective mirror. “These images will be his undoing and will lead us to the killer.”

“These are not just images.” 

“That’s exactly what they are.” 

“Hotch, I am not about to parade a dead twelve year old girl in a bathing suit in front of a serial killer who gets off on it.” You raised your voice, not willing to compromise any respect you had left for these victims. 

“Then show him the others. It’ll gain his trust and get him talking. He won’t talk to me, he knows I know everything that gets him off. But he’ll want to tell you just what he would do to them. I told you, he wants to pull you in.”

You shook your head. “These are children! Helpless children whose fathers have to live with what this animal did to their families! These strangers do not get to see the torture and humiliation that they went through.”

“If you can’t stomach showing him what he desires, then I’ll do it. Because we’re not leaving until we get a name out of him. You’re either with the team or you’re not.” 

You scoffed. “You’re not the unit chief anymore. I do what Morgan says if we can’t come to an agreement.”

It was bold of you to remind him of his subordinate place. But you were equals now, despite the decade between you two. You didn’t have to listen to his orders if you felt they were wrong. 

He reached for the files, but you turned away from him. “I’m going in there. Not you. But I’m going to run the interrogation my way, not exposing these children. If you have a problem with that, you can call Morgan.”

You motioned for the guard to let you back in. You took your seat across from Karl, a smirk still evident on his face. 

“What, no Agent Hotchner?”

“You know, yours was one of the first cases I studied,” You started, trying to loosen up the muscles in your face. Going against every natural instinct in your body was making it hard to relax. “I’ve been fascinated ever since. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was embarrassed with him in the room.”

“You’re embarrassed because you want to know what I did, don’t you.” You pushed out a smile, a little giggle behind it to entice him.

And of course it did. “Yes.”

“I can show you exactly what I did to them.” 

“Tell me.” You tilted your head to the side, pushing some hair behind your ear. You were fighting the bile rising in your throat with every word you exchanged with him.

“Children are so precious, so clean. But they need guidance, especially the girls.” 

You narrowed your eyes. “Why?”

“Girls have much more to lose than boys. It’s a fact, the female body can handle pain much better.” If this wasn’t a serial killer across from you, you’d agree with him and make some jokes about the female anatomy. But he was enjoying this, just like Hotch said. He was pulling you in.

“What did you do to them?” 

He smiled. “I showed them, what men, their fathers, and brothers, are capable of.” 

“And what is that?”

“Once I killed the children, It always amazed me how little the father fought the inevitable, the dying.”

“I never thought I would get these answers, let alone from the man himself.” You pushed out another smile, because you knew he was holding back. He was almost willing to trust you, he just needed to be groomed a little more.

“It takes a good woman, to make an honest man. And you’re prettier than Agent Hotchner.” 

He was dancing around the information now, knowing that he had your time and attention. “Karl, do you know why you killed all those families?” 

“I already told you why.”

You dropped the sweet tone, and pushed up on your elbows. “No, you told me how. And your motivations were all driven by sex, motivations you learned from your father.”

You saw him flinch, and you knew you were getting somewhere. 

“You assert your dominance by making the father, the head of the household, watch you torture, assault, and take anything you wanted from the people he’s supposed to protect. Now your admirer, they don’t have the same ambitions as you do. And normally, that would bother a man like you. You want to be adored for every single part of your mess. But like you said, they’re an admirer, not a fan. So I’m guessing it’s a woman, who you’ve really come to care for.”

He tugged on his shackled wrists, you clearly got what you were looking for.

 “Those women, those girls, they needed to be taught a lesson. How to obey who’s in charge. And you,” he laughed as he inched as far across the table as he could. “The things I would do to you if I weren’t nailed to this table. You’d be done before I could call your name.”

Before you could respond, Hotch came into the room, demanding a name. You stood up, no longer needing to play a role. 

“It must be distracting, working with such a beautiful woman everyday.” You didn’t spare him another glance as you heard him mumble out a name to Hotch, finally getting what he wanted: power over you.

“Morgan, we’ve got a name. It’s a female guard in intake. Get everybody here ASAP.” The guard led you and Hotch back down the hallway, through the lion's den, and back to the elevator. Once inside, you let out a breath. Hotch turned to look at you, but you spoke up before he had the chance. 

“Don’t ask me to do that ever again.”

You would’ve yelled at him, tore him to pieces in the elevator ride from the fourth floor to the exit, but there was a guard escorting you out. You didn’t want him to have the privilege of watching two FBI agents battle it out. And honestly, you weren’t sure if you had the heart to yell at him after all he’d been through.

But once you were escorted through the exterior gates, your team in sight, you regained the nerve to give Hotch a piece of your mind.

Not before he spoke first though. 

“You did exactly what needed to be done. I didn’t ask you to act that way toward him, and I’m sorry you feel that that was your only way in. But I’m not going to apologize for getting the name of the killer.”

“So you would have acted in the same degrading way if the roles were reversed?”

He scoffed. “Yes, I would have. Because unlike you, my feelings don’t impair my judgement or ability to do this job. You’re an asset to this team, you need to find a way to get your emotions in check.”

You stopped walking, turning around to face him. You were in the middle of the driveway now, SWAT and BAU canvassing the scene. But you were going to do this here and now.

“The only reason you brought me here was to appeal to that sick son of a bitch. The only thing that makes me an asset to you is the fact that I have a vagina and you don’t. You turned me from a Supervisory Special Agent into a fighting fuck toy! You watched as I drained every ounce of respect I had for myself to turn into what that psychopath desired, all because I wouldn’t show him pictures of innocent children.” He looked over your shoulder to the team, embarrassed that they were hearing this. “At least have the respect to look at me while I’m talking to you!”

Hotch had never heard you yell like this. You were the calm one, the baby, as Derek called you. No one ever pushed you so far over the edge to get a reaction out of you. At least, not until he did. 

“The next time you ask me, JJ, Prentiss, or Garcia to flirt our way into a serial killer's mind, to expect us to degrade ourselves in order to save another woman, I will not hesitate to report you to Strauss.” You could hear footsteps behind you, but you continued on as tears started to form in your eyes. “You used to say that my empathy was what made me an amazing agent. That my ability to connect with victims and families was the reason I’m here. So do not try and make me feel worthless for possessing something that you wish you could have. Because the way you act, with no capability for empathy, is a depressing way to live.” 

“Y/n,” Spencer rested a hand on your shoulder, but you shook it off.

“Figure out the man you want to be.”

Before you could say anything else, Spencer dragged you away from Hotch and towards the cars. You could feel the tears freely falling down your cheeks, but you made no effort to remove them. You ignored the stares from the rest of your team, not giving them the satisfaction of knowing what went down in that interrogation room. Instead, you got into the passenger seat of the suburban, and Spencer started the drive back to the office. 

Rationally, you knew you went off too hard at him. He never deliberately asked you to flirt with Arnold. He asked you to show him the pictures of Lucy, to get him to crack under the fantasy. But you refused. You would rather make yourself go through that pain than any young child. It’s what you’d always done.

Spencer tried to convince you they hadn’t heard the conversation. That they were all too focused on SWAT’s apprehending of the guard to pay attention.

“Spence,” You started and looked over at him. “We all had our earpieces in. You heard every word.”

And he was silent the rest of the ride back. You were exhausted, and you wanted nothing more than to go home and fall asleep on your couch with reruns playing in the background. But you had a mountain of paperwork to finish, and still needed to debrief when the team got back.

Halfway through your stack, the team came back to the bullpen. Prentiss gave your shoulder a comforting squeeze as she passed by, heading for her desk. Derek had agreed to let everyone go home without debriefing. This was the earliest we’d been done with a case so close to home. We needed to capitalize on our rest. 

JJ was the first to go home, excited to be home in time for dinner with Will and Henry. Prentiss and Rossi followed shortly after, going to celebrate the win of this case at an expensive restaurant, at Dave’s expense. 

“Come on you two, don’t make me drag you out of here kicking and screaming.” Derek addressed you and Reid as he pulled his coat on. 

“We’re right behind you boss man.” Spencer said and turned his desk light off, grabbing his cane. He should be able to ditch all mobility aids soon.

You swung your backpack over a shoulder and turned off your own light. You didn’t even make it out of your four foot space before Hotch called out to you.

“Y/n, could I see you before you leave?” He was standing in front of his office, on higher ground than the rest of us. Power move, you thought to yourself. But he wouldn’t be that petty.

You looked back to Reid and Moran, the former nodding to you before seeing himself to the elevator. Now it was just Spencer, his eyes begging for you to leave. 

“I don’t need to remind you how deeply you care for all of us. But if you keep putting yourself out there to comfort him, you’re going to get destroyed.” This was the first time Spencer had mentioned this to you. Sure, you’d been helping Hotch out at home, a little more than normal, but everybody was pitching in. His wife died for god's sake. 

“Spence, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He let out a sigh and fidgeted with his cane. You found it at a consignment shop on one of your weekends off, and bought it for him without hesitation. It had an eagle engraved in it’s clutch, something regal, medieval, and screamed Spencer Reid. You ignored the price, a forty dollars more than you would’ve liked to spend on a walking stick, but the look on his face when you gave it to him was priceless.

“You need to stand up for yourself. Nothing excuses the way he treated you today. Regardless of your decision to play a character.” 

God, could he read you. 

“No pair of rose colored glasses could cloud that. Not even yours.” He gave you one last shadow of a smile before limping his way to the elevator.

Once you regained your composure, you turned to make your way up to Hotch’s office. He was sitting in his chair, staring at the paperwork waiting to be filled out before him. You knocked on the open door, and he stood up without even looking at you. You were going to take Spencer’s advice and stick up for yourself, so you had to set the pace.

“Can this be quick? I wanted to get home before traffic started up.” He rounded the front of his desk, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he leaned against it. 

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you back at the prison.” You nodded, not wanting to verbally accept the apology that was due to you hours ago. “I was out of line and completely blinded by the case. I should’ve listened to you and taken your reservations into consideration. It was narcissistic of me to think I was the only one capable of making the right decision.”

“Thank you.” You stuttered out, still absorbing the tone of his voice. His word choice was self deprecating, a cry for help if you didn’t know any better. 

“Y/n,” He started but was interrupted by a shaky breath. “I hate that I made you feel like all you’re good for is to romance your way into their heads. You deserve to be treated with respect, to be valued because of your empathy and your psychological understanding of victims and their families. If I’ve ever made you feel like you were worthless before this afternoon, please tell me.”

“No, you’ve never made me feel that way.” 

He nodded before turning to grab a piece of paper from his desk. 

“Good. Because I’ve written up a complaint for Strauss, describing my behavior and language directed toward you today. You shouldn’t have to wait for a next time to file it.”

He extended the paper to you, and you walked until you were standing in front of him, accepting the complaint into your hands. But you didn’t even read it before tearing it in two. 

“What are you doing?”

“Hotch, I’m not filing a complaint against you. Everything that I did today was my choice. You didn’t force me into anything.” 

He ran a hand through his hair, the first time you’ve seen it tousled in the office.  

“I was uncomfortable showing Arnold those pictures. So I made the choice to play a character, to appeal to his fantasy. You weren’t in the room, and you didn’t suggest that. If anything, you tried more than anything to get me to stick to the script. Did you have some choice words for me that weren’t necessarily appropriate? Yes. But we all have our moments. After we got out of there, I felt sick that I had to do that to get a name out of him. It wasn’t the first time I’ve camouflaged myself for the greater good, and it won’t be the last. I took out the self hatred I had on you, because you were there. Because if I did it your way, I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror again without feeling ashamed. But you didn’t deserve it.”

“Yes, I do. I deserve to be ridiculed for telling you that your empathy is a weakness. I deserve to be ridiculed for yelling at Garcia for missing something on a search. I deserve,” 

His voice broke, and you froze in place. You were about to see Aaron Hotchner cry for the first time in four years. “I deserve to be punished for Haley’s death.”

Your own eyes started to water as you saw a single tear roll down his cheek. Without thinking, you reached forward and held his hands in your own. They were shaking, and he tried to pull them away from you. But you held on tight, you weren’t going anywhere.

“Hotch, look at me.” He kept his gaze on the windows, looking out onto the concrete roof. 

“Hotch, please.” You were quieter the second time, and that’s what got him to meet your eyes. 

“I’m not going to sit here and tell you that you could’ve prevented Haley’s death if you did one thing instead of the other. Because no matter what you did, Foyet would’ve found her, and done this all over again.” He tried to look away from you, but you tugged on his hands, begging him to stay. “But what you did prevent, was Foyet taking away the greatest thing you and Haley ever made. You saved your son, Hotch. And you ended Foyet’s reign of terror. You get to spend every day reminding Jack how amazing his mother was. How strong, resilient, and fierce she was. How she looked death in the eye and didn’t even flinch. You get to live the rest of your life for your son.”

He nodded and closed his eyes, letting the few remaining tears fall down his face. You let your own fall with the reprieve of no longer being under his stare, not wanting to fall apart when he needed you.

“I love her. I never stopped loving her. The divorce, it wasn’t because of that. It was because of this job.” 

You squeezed his hands before letting them go, letting him wipe off his face. 

“I know. And I know she never stopped loving you.”

You never thought you would get to this moment when you first met Haley. You let out a small laugh while remembering your first encounter, how pregnant and angry she was at Hotch.

“What?” You smiled and shook your head. 

“I’m just remembering the first time I met her. She was pregnant, she called you a robot, and was cracking jokes left and right to try and get you to crack.”

That got him to smile. “I could always make her laugh when we were younger. She had the funniest, most embarrassing laugh. But it was Haley. And it was addicting.” 

You wanted him to remember her like this, with a smile on her face and the loving soul she was. 

“I truly am sorry for what I said to you, but you have to know I didn’t mean it.”

You nodded. “I know you didn’t. Just apologize to Garcia in the morning, and get home to Jack. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

He gave you a small smile as you picked up your backpack.

Spencer’s words stung in your ears while you were holding Hotch’s hands. You loved everyone on this team as your family. And Hotch needed you to be there for him a lot more over the last two months. Sure, you’d brushed off some harsh conversations with him considering the circumstances, but you knew when it went too far, like today.

“Y/n,” His voice pulled you from your thoughts, stopping you at the door. “Thank you.”

You nodded. “Of course.” 

Maybe you did care too much for people. But if it helped them get back to normal, you’ll continue wearing those rose colored glasses a little while longer.

***

March 2010

“I’m grocery shopping. Because I have no food in my apartment and I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sick of eating pizza.” You threw a box of cheerios in your cart, careful not to hit the eggs on their way in. 

“That’s how you’re spending your saturday? Our first saturday off in a month?” 

“Well, unless I want to spend another twenty bucks on one meal, I’ve gotta do my grown up chores.” “You need to get your butt back home so we can go out and drink.”

Emily was relentless, to say the least. Every single weekend you had off, her number popped up on your phone the minute you got home. She hated resting in her own solitude, and tried to drag you along for any activity she could think of. Shopping, drinking, walking around the national mall, and, in desperate cases, running. But her record wasn’t stellar in getting you to attend.

“I’m spending the afternoon with my couch, a book that has taken me too long to read, and probably eat an entire bag of smartfood.” You chucked a box of granola bars in your cart too when you heard a kid cry. You turned to the end of the aisle, but the parent was blocking the child. “Besides, it’s dinner tonight at Hotch’s.”

“He canceled this morning. Rossi was supposed to call and let you know.” You rolled your eyes. Of course Dave forgot. 

“Daddy! I want the poptarts!” You heard the kid yell out again. But you knew that voice, and you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face.

“Em, I’ll see you on Monday. Have a shot for me.” 

“I’ll have two.”

You laughed as you hung up the phone, pushing the cart over to your favorite little boy on the planet. You didn’t think to give the father another glance when you didn’t recognize him, but that’s because Aaron Hotchner is never without a suit at the office. He was dressed in jeans now and a quarter zip, looking like a normal dad.

When you approached the two boys, Jack was leaning against the shelf, tears streaming down his cheeks as he kicked his feet against the ground. 

“It looks like SSA Hotchner could use some help profiling his son.”

Hotch was quick to stand up, meeting your eye. You only smiled while crouching down to Jack’s level. 

“Hey little man, what’s the problem here?” He wiped the tears from his cheeks, and your heart broke at the redness in his eyes.

“Daddy won’t let me get any pop tarts.” 

“That’s because you ate the whole box in one day without my permission.” Aaron argued back. 

You hid your laugh in your shoulder, not wanting to upset Jack any more. But Hotch had already caused him to spiral into a meltdown again. 

“Jack, have you ever had ants on a log?” He shook his head, tears continuing down his chubby cheeks. “Well, they were my favorite snack when I was little. It’s celery, peanut butter, and raisins all set up on a plate. And the best part is, you get to make it yourself! Now, I know how much you love peanut butter, and I bet if you ate this snack, Daddy will let you get poptarts the next time you go grocery shopping.”

“Okay.” He said and nodded his little head. “But I’m sick of grocery shopping.”

“Me too buddy.” I sat down next to him. “I do not like having to walk up and down these aisles searching for food. So, why don’t we sit here while daddy finishes his list?”

You spared a glance at Hotch and his practically full basket. You knew he would be done in ten minutes if you stayed here with Jack. 

“Are you sure?” Aaron asked and you nodded. 

“‘Course. I don’t need food that bad anyway.” He sighed and made his way back to his carriage.

You pulled a piece of paper and a pen out of your purse and handed it to Jack. 

“Aunt Jessica told me that you know how to write your name now. Can you show me?”

He sat up straight, laying the paper down on the floor. You watched as he made a loopy uppercase J, followed with big and small letters to spell out the rest of his name. 

“That’s awesome buddy. What about your last name?” 

“Hotchner!” He yelled out and you laughed. 

“Yeah, let me spell it out for you.” You wrote it out on the paper and it took him a few minutes to copy down.

“You’re turn now, y/n.” He handed you the pen and you wrote your name down, saying the letters as you wrote them. Jack repeated you, and it made you laugh. You forgot that kids were such sponges. 

By the time you finished writing Aaron and Haley’s names for Jack, Hotch was back with his cart. “Alright buddy, it’s time for us to go. We gotta let y/n finish her grocery shopping.” 

“No! I want y/n to come home with us for dinner. She was helping me spell everyone's names!”

You smiled as you stood up, giving Jack a hand. “Maybe next time buddy. But you gotta get home to try those ants on a log.”

“Actually, we’re making pizzas for dinner, Jack’s saturday choice. You can come over, if you don’t have any plans already.” You’d never heard Hotch this nervous before. It made you laugh a little. 

“I’d love to. Only if I get to put extra cheese on my pizza though.” 

“Of course!” Jack exclaimed and you matched his smile. 

“Awesome! I’ll let you two pay for all this food and I’ll meet you at your house okay?” Jack nodded before running to the front of the cart.

“You sure you don’t have any plans? I don’t want you to give up another saturday night at my expense,” 

“Hotch there is nothing more exciting than spending my weekends with the cutest four year old on the planet.” He smiled, but you knew he still wasn’t convinced. “Besides, every other twenty-nine year old I know is in a stuffy club in uncomfortable clothes. This is much more my pace.”

He nodded, a small smile on his face. “Okay. We’ll meet you at the apartment in a half an hour.” 

“Sounds good. See you soon Jack!” You waved to the little boy and quickly tried to finish buying the staples that could get you through a few days at home. 

You got home and quickly put your food away, making sure everything that needed to be refrigerated was chilled. You switched your t-shirt for a long sleeve tee, opting for sneakers instead of boots. Comfort was the utmost importance on days off.

It took you twenty minutes to get to Hotch’s apartment from yours, arriving at five on the dot. You were known for, and proud of your punctuality. Hotch answered the door after two knocks, and you couldn’t help but focus on the noise of three different locks unlocking. 

He greeted you with a slight nod of the head, button down replacing his quarter zip. 

“Do you even own comfortable clothes?” “This is comfortable.” You rolled your eyes, as he took the poptarts from your hands, raising his eyebrow at you.

“Didn’t I just have this fight with my four year old son about not buying these?” He asked as he let you in the house. 

“Yes, but I’m the fun dinner guest. I bring the treats for the children.” 

He tried to hide the small huff of a laugh that escaped his lips, but you still caught it. “You will be the death of me.”

You let out a laugh as he led you into the kitchen, putting them away on the top cabinet. I reached for my hip and pulled my holster off, putting it on the counter. 

“Do you have somewhere I can put this? Last thing I need is to drop it while I throw up my pizza dough.” He unlocked the drawer in his desk, placing it in there before locking it back up.

You heard tiny footsteps running down the hall. “Y/n! It’s pizza time!” 

You smiled as he tugged at your legs. “I know! I’m so excited!”

“Alright buddy, you’re up first. Show y/n how we properly throw our pizza dough in the air.” Hotch pushed a step stool over to the counter, waiting for Jack to step up. The grin on the little boy's face was ginormous as he powdered his hands with flour, taking the small ball of dough Hotch separated for him.

The two of you were on either side of Jack, each ready to follow his lead in the process. “Ok, on the count of three. One, two, three!” 

You spun the dough in your hands before throwing it in the air, watching it separate the slightest bit. Jack’s giggles filled the apartment as he let his dough fall onto the counter. Aaron shook his head, you could tell this part of the meal was always a struggle for the little boy.

You watched as Jack spread out the miniscule amount of sauce he wanted along his crust, topping it off with a mountain of cheese. You taught him the more cheese, the better, and he clearly still believed you. You added some pepperoni to your own oval shaped pie, unsuccessful in making a perfect circle crust. But, not everyone could be the perfect Italian chef like David Rossi.

While the pizza’s were in the oven, the three of you sat down to play a few rounds of Candyland. You hadn’t played since your time at DCFS, and you forgot how there was no real objective to the game. It certainly wasn’t your game of choice, but Jack was still a little young to be able to contend with you in a game of monopoly. A few more years, you thought.

Once the pizza’s were done, Jack helped you set the table as Hotch cut the pies. You felt a little out of place, crossing some very important boundaries by having dinner with just the two Hotchner boys. This saturday was much different than the ones you spent when the whole team was over, Henry and Jack putting on dance parties for the guests. 

You started to become more aware of your actions around the apartment; how you knew where the placemats were kept, that Jack used his purple cup for milk at dinner, and the strict no electronics rule at the table. However, that had been established by Haley years ago. The thought of her had a shot of guilt running through your stomach, sitting down with her family for dinner, just three and a half months after she’d passed. 

You’d been thinking a lot about what Spencer had said that night at the BAU. He was vague, too vague for the doctor that could tell you how long he’d been alive down to the second. After a few sleepless nights, you called the doctor in question and demanded he explain himself. But after his admission, you quickly regretted having all the information.

Spencer Reid has known you for almost five years now, and has seen you through the moments that have shaped your adult life. Killing Stephanie Moore, testifying in the fisher king case, being your excusing phone call from multiple dates, and holding your hand as you took in one of your former foster siblings from a bad relationship. There was absolutely nothing in your life that could be hidden from him.

So when he told you he noticed your feelings for Hotch ‘about two years ago’, you nearly stopped dead in your pacing tracks. Not because you didn’t know your own feelings for the man, but because you didn’t realize it had been that long. That he had been married to Haley, albeit only for a month longer, that you started to notice how handsome your boss was. Upon hearing the truth out loud, and from another person, you ran to the bathroom and threw up a few times. 

You were so embarrassed, so ashamed of caring for someone that couldn’t be yours. For caring for someone who’s wife you truly adored. After the third round of puking, Spencer reassured you through the phone that it wasn’t your fault. We can’t control who we love. And yes, he said love.

“Are you okay y/n?” Jack’s little voice pulled you from your thoughts. You smiled at his sauce covered face and nodded. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. How’s your pizza, Jack?”

“Awesome! Daddy is the best pizza cooker ever!”

“You sure you’re okay? You look a little pale,” Aaron commented and referenced your plate. You hadn’t taken a bite. 

“I’m good, really. Just thinking about how I’m going to make a bigger lego tower than Jack after dinner.”

That got the little boy to laugh, successfully switching the conversation to Jack’s favorite toys. But you noticed the glaces Hotch snuck your way, not believing you for a second. You were an awful liar. 

The longer the three of you sat at the table, the larger your smile grew around these boys. Seeing Hotch being able to relax and really enjoy his time with Jack always brought a smile to your face. He was a natural father, sliding into the role of playmate and swaddler, cuddler and soother. You even remember him helping JJ out with Henry’s swaddle at work one day.

But you knew he felt guilty, not being able to be present in his son’s life everyday. You saw it in the hundred’s of views of the video of Jack’s first steps, the late night phone calls while away on a case just to say goodnight to his little boy. He missed out on a lot of the baby years, and he would be making it up to Jack for the rest of his life, with nights like these. With the whole weekend devoted to Jack Hotchner’s favorite things, minus the sugary pop tarts. Hotch had mastered the duality of being a Supervisory Special Agent for the FBI, and the loving father to Jack Hotchner. It was one of the reasons why you started caring so much for him. 

“Alright Jack, you can build one tower with y/n, then it’s bath time and off to bed.” You saw the pout on Jack’s face as Hotch cleared our plates, and you helped him off the chair. 

“Come on, maybe if we’re quick enough we can make two.”

He giggled as he led you to his room, stuffed animals and toys galore. This boy won’t want for a thing.

“Okay, you make a big blue one, I’ll do purple.” 

You finished much quicker than the four year old, but under no circumstances would he let you sit and watch him make his masterpiece. Instead, since you had nearly two and a half feet on him, you stacked your tower on top of his and continued adding pieces to make it bigger. He cheered you on as it started to reach your head, and you were getting excited yourself. Until, it came to a crashing fall with the last green piece on top. 

“Noo!” Jack yelled out, trying to catch the falling pieces. 

“It’s okay Buddy, you can always make another one.” Aaron’s voice trying to soothe his son caught both you and the little guy’s attention.

The two of you turned to see Hotch leaning in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. You wondered how long he’d been standing there. 

“And maybe next time, we can make one as big as daddy.”

 Hotch let out a laugh as Jack smiled at you in amazement. He liked how your brain worked. 

“Bath time, bud. We gotta get your face cleaned up from all that pizza sauce, and ship you off to bed.” 

“But y/n’s here,” He whined, not wanting the lego fun to end.

“Well I have to get home and take a shower too, bud. Don’t worry, there’s plenty more playdates in your future.” You said and stood up, giving the little boy a high five. 

“Go wait for me in the bathroom okay, I’m gonna walk y/n out.” 

“Okay. Bye bobo.” He said and ran off to the bathroom, leaving you speechless in his bedroom. 

“You let him be around Derek Morgan way too much.”

“Probably. But you can’t compete with the guy who brings over a new lego set every weekend.” Hotch got your gun for you, walking you back to the front door. 

“Are you kidding? You’re his hero, Hotch. He asked me last week if I was a superhero like daddy.” He cracked a smile, but his eyes were glued to the floor, unable to meet your own.

“Why did you cancel dinner tonight?” He sighed and lifted his head. You’d been wanting to ask him since you were at the grocery store. The team had been coming over for three months now, and it was something we all started to look forward to.

“I was sick of feeling like a burden to you all. I mean, asking you all to give up your Saturday nights, sometimes our only free night of the week to spend in my depressing apartment, it had been enough.” If only you could show this man how much the team cared for him through your eyes, he would never doubt his worth another day in his life. 

“Hotch, the highlight of my week is coming here to be with you all. My family. Watching Henry and Jack play with each other, listening to Spencer and Penelope fight over who the true godparent is, and getting to be on the receiving end of Rossi’s awesome cooking?” 

He nodded, mumbling an ‘I know’ a few times under his breath. But he needed to know that as much as you all come here for Jack, you guys care for Aaron and his well being just as much. 

“I come here every saturday to make sure that Aaron Hotchner has not dressed in a suit for the sixth day in a row, and to make sure he knows that he’s doing such an amazing job with Jack. That he is being the best father, friend, and boss, that he can be.”

This time, his eyes were locked on yours as you got a real Aaron Hotchner smile out of him, dimples and all. You couldn’t help but make a check mark in the air, the team tally still going strong. He playfully rolled his eyes as you swung your bag across your shoulder. 

“So who’s in the lead now?” 

“Me, for the last six months. I can’t be dethroned.” You felt your cheeks grow warm, hoping he wouldn’t think too much into your stat keeping. 

“Well, that seems like a pretty accurate tally.”

You made sure it was. And selfishly, you hoped no one else could get that beautiful smile to cross his face like you could. 

“Thank you for coming over. We both had a lot of fun.” 

“I did too. I’m around anytime, my tower building skills are not occupied for many other people.” He let out a laugh as he opened the door for you.

“Goodnight y/n. Let me know when you get home.” 

“I will. Night, Hotch.”

You got home in twenty minutes, texting Aaron as you walked through your door. Quickly changing into pajamas and throwing Legally Blonde into the DVD player, your phone dinged at a new message.

It was from Hotch, a picture attached to the message. It was of Jack, towel wrapped around his head, eyes shut from grinning so wide. ‘He wanted me to send this to you. He said, ‘this is how happy I am that y/n was here tonight.’ Thanks again for everything. Goodnight.”

You couldn’t help the tears that pooled in your eyes at the sweet little boy in the picture, and his amazing dad behind the camera.

****

tags: @simplyprentiss @michaelahah @ssahotchner99 @svrgicalhands @hotchtopic @unionjackpillow @philcoolson @tommhollandzxhaz @kathleenjasmine @canimarrypizzaornah @reaperwalking @inlovewithaaronhotchner @shelbymm11 @mrshotchner23 @tropicalwrites

[yokohamabeans]

Hello yoko!! How have you been ?

I hope you're doing great! <3

I've got a little question to ask, I dunno how to phrase it tho, and i don't want to seem rude or disrespectful (cause I know writing is no easy thing) BUT THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO SAY IT😭😭😭

So, euh, when will you be uploading requital's next chapter?? I had been checking your blog everyday from the past December to see if there were any updates (thanks for the spoilers!! I would've died a long time ago if it wasn't for them😅😅)

I LOVE your fic SO MUCH !!! (it's my all time favorite!! ) You can't imagine how happy it makes me!!! It's very well written!! (I LOVE YOUR WRITING STYLE!!), the OC's personality is just perfect, Plus kakucho is my favorite!!!!

So, yeah 😅😅

PLEASE let Kaku be happy😭

My little boy had been through a lot already, he deserves the whole world!!

Also, I'd like to get to know my favorite author (aka: you) better!! (only if you're comfortable tho)

Like, what's your zodiac sign/ mbti type ? Favorite book/ author? Got any recommendations?? What inspires you most?Do you like Haruki murakami?? Do you base your OC off of yourself??

Gosh there's a lot to ask, but imma just start with that..

Well, that's all for today (I hope that wasn't creepy 😅😅)

Bye!! please take care of yourself <3

ANON AHRIRWHWHIFHEHSAHDHFJFKGHG I’M SORRY FOR FREAKING OUT BUT THANK YOU FOR THIS MESSAGE!!! I truly did not expect to receive something like this!!

Ahhh I’m so sorry for the delay in chapter 3!! My busy period at work and life lasted longer than I expected…. But if it’s any help, it’s over now and I’m able to focus more on writing!! I hope to be able to update ROAC within the 1.5 weeks! Chapter 3 is about 60% done so far!! And I’m glad you liked the snippets!! Tbh I posted them cuz I got too excited about some parts 😅

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!!!! It really made me happy and more motivated to write, because tbh I feel like I’m still figuring out my writing style. I’ve been opting for a style that’s more simple in prose (I was quite a purple-proser in the past…) and still figuring out what should/shouldn’t be said. I’m glad you like my OC so far, though I hope it’s not just from Chap 2, cuz chap 3 is gonna be from her POV and she is way more of a dick than what Chap 2 portrayed her to be 🤣 Anyway you don’t know how much your words mean to me!! And I swear I’ll hit the gas on writing now!!

FAVOURITE AUTHOR FHSGAHFGJH YOU ARE TOO KIND!! And I don’t mind, not at all!! Thank you for asking about me!! Here you go, off the top of my head:

Zodiac : Year of the boar / Aries! Idk what my rising sign is though. Tbh I’ve never really gotten into astrology cuz I don’t think I embody any of the traits often associated with Aries people. But I know others who swear by it!

MBTI Type : I’m always fluctuating between INFJ and INFP, though I think I’m more towards INFP!

Fave Book/Author & Writing Inspo : Ahhh I gotta admit I don’t think I’ve read enough to have a conclusive favourite author/book!! There are books I enjoy a lot at the time of reading and I think it’s my favourite book ever, only to read another book and that THAT’s my fave book haha so it really depends a lot on my mood…. But (and maybe you’ve already seen me rambling about it) Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino was the book that I loved a lot recently!! I also got quite enamoured by Gregory Orr’s poems, they talk about grief so beautifully! I’d say that the author/book I’m reading at any point would be inspiration for my writing!! For example, if I want to write a ‘soft scene’ I’d go re-read some books for inspiration in writing. I also imagine very specific scenes when writing, down to the smallest details like breathing and eye movements (which I’m trying to curb cuz it’s making my writing too rambly tbh), and scenes from movies or pictures help with the visualization! (I have a #finsp tag where I tag things that I think can be used for fic-inspiration, though it’s a mish mash of themes)!

About Murakami : I think I generally prefer his short stories over his full length novels if I’m to be honest!! Tbh I don’t have that much of an insightful opinion about him cuz I don’t finish his full length novels 😓 but I really like the way he’s able to weave complex emotions in his writing!!

About my OC : Ahhhh I don’t base them off myself!! My own self is too boring for a story haha and I can’t see myself (personally) paired up with my fictional husbandos for some reason. I guess I come up with the OCs when I’m wondering how this OC will fit and interact with the characters, and if I’m being honest it’s sometimes pure self-indulgence cuz I’m writing them in romance stories with said faves 😬 (But the OC in Requital is more of a character study imo so the focus may not be too much on the romance!) I’d say that I do try to put myself in the headspace of my OCs when writing so I can bring out the emotions!

Anon this was so fun to answer ahhh please feel free to ask me anything you wanna know!! AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I swear you are welcome to drop asks or even messages any time!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

[alleycat97]

Hi there :) Are you taking requests? If you so, would mind write a fic where MC get jeaulosy on Blaine when realize she's on a date app and talking to other girls?

Omg I love it!💚 Kinda went angst there🤭

Tag list: @samanthadalton @fundamentalromantic @shows-simp-card @somewillwin @robintora @kwaj05 @scarlet-letter-a0114 @iamsimpforpoppy

Kiss💋Link

F!blaine x Mc (Kennedy)

Part 2

Being the first daughter wasn’t as glamorous as one would think. The social life was non existent and everything you did was monitored. Vancross was helping alleviate most of Kennedy’s issues, she got to be with students just like her who shared common interest. But the dating game was still tricky however.

Kennedy got an evening away with Dionne, both girls getting the required permission to do so. They set their sights on dinner first, finally getting a chance to catchup on gossip like two normal young adults.

“I’m telling you Kennedy! You’re crazy about her!” Dionne protested.

“Shh! Not so loud D! And I don’t like her in that way. We’re just friends.” Kennedy replied pushing the Blaine topic aside.

“Yeah right, you guys are so crazy for each other! I’m surprised you didn’t invite her instead of me.”

“D, I’m serious! I can’t have anything to do with Blaine, my mom is hounding me as is and Blaine doesn’t even like me back. So can we just end this?” Kennedy grumbled picking at her food.

“Kennedy I’m sorry. I’m just trying to help. But you need someone...” Dionne tried.

“Dionne I can’t have a relationship right now. I can’t even go on a proper date.”

“Have you tried dating apps?”

“No? It’s too personal for me. My mother would never allow it.”

Kennedy’s phone began buzzing with texts from Blaine completely shutting herself out from Dionne’s rambling.

Blaine💚: What’s up loser?

Kennedy: Eating dinner with Dionne in town.

Blaine💚: In town!? Guess I’m not your favorite anymore?

Kennedy: (Smiling) Of course you are🥰 You know we can’t be seen together right now.

Blaine💚: Alright you win. But let’s hang when you get back? Meet in the quad at midnight?

Kennedy: I’ll be there.

“Earth to Kennedy! Have you been listening to me at all? And why are you smiling like an idiot?” Dionne asked noticing Blaine’s name in the text box answering her question. “I knew it!”

“Dionne!”

“What! You’re crazy for her!! It’s so obvious and she likes you to! I’ve known Blaine for a long time, I can tell when she likes someone!”

“Ok maybe I do! But it’s not like we can be a normal couple.”

“Well you have to try! Blaine won’t wait forever.”

Kennedy sat in silence thinking about her upcoming meet up with Blaine when she heard a very interesting conversation from the girls behind her.

“I’m telling you girls! You have to get this app! Look at this one I paired with this morning!” The ditzy blonde spoke.

“Oh she’s gorgeous!” The brunette squinted, “Blaine Hayes? Hmmm sounds familiar.”

“She goes to Vancross! We’re gonna meet up tomorrow night.” The blonde responded.

Dionne couldn’t help but overhear and she knew Kennedy was seething.

“Excuse me?” Kennedy jumped up sliding into the booth with the girls. “I’m sorry for eavesdropping, but may I see this app you have?”

“Oh it’s fine! It’s a new app called Kiss💋Link!”

Kennedy took the phone and sure enough, there was Blaine, and her conversation with the blonde. Reading their flirtatious banter made Kennedy explode inside, how could Blaine play her like this!?”

Kennedy slammed the phone down and ran outside in rage. She didn’t bother to wait for the Dionne or Tatum. She ran where ever her feet took her. Stopping to catch her breath it started to rain on her.

“Just great.” Kennedy cried sliding down the brick wall onto the concrete. “Why would she do this to me?” She pleaded. She was pulled from her trance when Blaine’s name alerted her on her phone.

Blaine💚: Hey so it’s raining, let’s just forget tonight and reschedule.

Kennedy sat there in the rain crying, begging, and pleading. Anything, to help make her understand Blaine’s motives. But she couldn’t understand anything right now, because she was cold, wet, and broken. The only thing she cared for was the liquor sign illuminating the sidewalk across the street.

Kennedy wanted nothing more than to crawl inside of a bottle and drown. So that’s what she did. She milked the bottle of course, each sip burning more than the last. She began to stumble back towards campus taking her last sip at midnight, facing Blaine’s door.

Blaine sat on her couch staring at the television when a loud bang came from her front door. She went to open it to find Kennedy. “Kennedy?”

“That’s my name.” She replied stumbling forward off balance, Blaine catching her.

“Your soaking wet! And is that...alcohol I smell?”

“What’s it to you toots.”

“Because you’re drunk!” Blaine protested.

“Thanks to you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Blaine questioned. “This isn’t about canceling tonight is it?”

Kennedy couldn’t escape the explosion that was coming, her fate was sealed with that last sip of liquid courage.

“Yeah Blaine it is!” She yelle, lazily pointing her finger towards the brunette.

“Look Kennedy, it was raining and you were with Dionne...”

“And you were too busy messsging Amanda.” Kennedy blurted out, making Blaine’s face go pale.

“Shit.” Blaine whispered. “Kennedy I...”

“Oh cut the shit Hayes! I know about Kiss💋Link! And your little date you have planned tomorrow. What’s a matter? Didn’t think I’d find out?”

“Kennedy I’m sorry! I just got caught up in the app! It’s not serious I swear. I’m sorry!”

“No!!!” Kennedy screamed with all her might. “You don’t get to be sorry”

“Kennedy! It’s not like we were that serious! You said it yourself, you weren’t ready for us yet.” Blaine retorted.

“Because you told me not to rush! You can’t tell someone you like them and that you’ll wait for them and go behind their back for a fling Blaine!”

“Kennedy please! We both need...”

“I’d be very careful of what you say next Blaine. I’m cold, I’m wet, I’m drunk, I’m broken and above all, I’m pissed off.”

Blaine didn’t know what to say, she messed up. And she didn’t know how to fix it.

“Kennedy...” She said reaching forward.

Kennedy trembled backwards, tears spilling over again, “Stay away from me Blaine.”

“Please Kennedy...” She inched closer.

“I said stay away! My mom was right about you! I should have never trusted you!”

And in a blink of an eye, Kennedy stumbled out the door and slipped and fell on the sidewalk, hitting her head hard.

The last thing she remembered before the darkness overtook her was a wet set of brunette hair resting on her chest.

[writingwithadinosaur]

“Under the Knife” - Part 2

“Under the Knife” - Part 2

My Masterlist - Here

Story Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Hannibal Lecter x Reader, Will Graham x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 2,500-ish

Key: Chunks of text in italics are (Y/N)’s thoughts. Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color

Warnings: Talks of murders, talk of crime scenes, cursing

Summary: You are Will Graham’s sister who works with him at the FBI. When you get offered a job promotion, life starts to change. Some changes for the better; Some for the worst.

Tag List:

@fruitloopzzz @theeactress @melconnor2007 @ashenfallsof @geeksareunique @all-by-myself98 @sj-thefan​ @fuck-your-bad-vibes-dude​ @ntlmundy

Author’s Note: This is my first Hannibal piece and I am proud of it. There aren’t too many stories for Hannibal, so I figured I would add to the collection.

This does take place in some happy medium where they are all alive and work together. Sort of a happier season 1 era.

This is beta-read by @theeactress​, but please let me know if there is something that we missed or that we should look at again! 

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

<3

- DreaSaurusREX

----------------

After your meeting with Jack, you filled out some paperwork and made it official: You were going to be his profiler for any case that he wanted to call you in for. And apparently he already had one building. 

“We have a suspected serial killer hitting close to home. Three killings in Montclair, Lorton, and Fredericksburg.” As he said the Virginian cities, Jack plopped 3 case files in front of you and moved to the board full of evidence that he had.

“Oh! We’re starting right now? O-Okay.” He turned from the board to look at you with a sort of incredulous way. 

“Do you have a problem with that?” 

“I mean, we literally just signed the papers. I thought I would have a night to prepare instead of being thrown right in.” You said the truth without seeming ungrateful or annoyed, which was good. But you instantly started to nervously ramble as Jack nodded and walked back to his desk. “But if we need to start right now, I can. I just wasn’t ready for--”

“You’re right. We’ll start talking tomorrow. For now, take those files, do your homework, and report here at 9AM. We’ll go to the lab and introduce you to Beverly, Price, and Zeller.” Jack smiled and motioned toward the door. 

“Thank you. I will see you tomorrow morning!” You tried to be professional but also show that you were actually excited to work with him. 

“See you tomorrow.”

After putting the files securely in your bag, you headed to your apartment. You put the files on your dining room table before you hung up your coat and work bag. You checked your watch. You had dinner plans with Hannibal in an hour and a half. You stood between your room and the table that the files were seated on. You fidgeted with your ring for a few seconds as you debated on whether or not to start catching up on the case now or after dinner. 

“I can read over the first one and then get ready for dinner.” You told yourself as you pulled out the semi-comfy chair and opened the file. 

Case: #566-A

This case was from 6 weeks ago in Montclair. Ballsy to be close to the FBI and kill people. There were two victims: Dr. Everet and his wife Whinnie. They were found dead in their shared bedroom in their upper-class house. A nice upper-class place thanks to being a doctor. 

Whinnie looked like a murder that you would find in an armed robbery case: Quick throat slit, not much thought or motive into it, left on the floor to bleed out. Dr. Everet on the other hand was what you assumed grabbed Jack’s attention.

Dr. Everet was in the middle of their bed. The autopsy report claimed that the cause of death was exsanguination which made sense considering he was in pieces. Everet was cut at every major joint. His arms were separated from his shoulders, his legs from the pelvis, his thigh from his knee, his forearm from the elbow, and so on and so forth down to his fingers and toes. The report showed that there was a high level of paralytics in his system. So you make him sit there while you cut him apart. That’s why there are no defensive wounds. He had to lay there and endure all of that...

Why was Everet presented like this while his wife was a simple throat slit?

You made some notes in your book, making sure to write out questions to ask the team when you met up with them tomorrow. With every note you made, you found yourself going back to the case file and trying to connect dots. You soon realized that you couldn’t begin to connect those dots until you looked at the other files. 

Without much thinking, you opened all three files, quickly skimming over each of them and writing out the main points that stood out. You were supposed to be at Hannibal’s at 7 o’clock and it was only 5:45. It didn’t take that long to get to his place.

All of the murders happened 2 weeks after the other, starting 5 and a half weeks ago. Dr. Everet was about 6 weeks ago, Dr. Chaseten was about 4 weeks ago, and Dr. Loriet was about 2 weeks ago. Which means this killer is bound to strike again soon if this time frame is important to him.

They all have at least one victim that is treated like a paralyzed piece of artwork like Dr.Everet and at least one victim thrown to the side and killed quickly. The ‘pieces of art’ were all doctors, the others were their husbands or wives.

They all were in different cities in Virginia but close enough to make a solid assumption that this is the same killer.

You were scribbling out a note to ask about if there were any particulates found in any of the bodies when your phone buzzed on the table next to you. You didn’t even look at the screen, you just hit the answer button and put whoever was calling on speakerphone.

“(Y/N) speaking.” 

“Good evening, (Y/N).” The thickly accented voice rang through your speaker and stopped your writing mid-word as you looked from your phone to the files that were now spread out across your small tablespace.

“Dr. Lecter! Hi! Good evening! Sorry, I was um...  caught up in something and didn’t even register who was calling!”

“No need to apologize. I was just wondering if I should still expect you tonight?” You dropped your pen as you frantically looked at the time on your phone. It was 6:15PM. You quickly started to shut the files and stand up muttering a few curse words as you did. “I take it you got distracted?

“Yes! I’m sorry! But I am still coming over as long as the invitation is still good.” You picked up your phone and walked to your room to start to quickly figure out a nice outfit that didn’t look too much like a work outfit or too fancy. “I am getting ready now!”

“As I can hear.” You could almost hear the slight smirk he most likely had on his lips from hearing you fumble around your small space. 

“I should be there right around 7 and I’ll explain myself, I promise.” 

“I will see you then, my dear.” Hannibal hung up while you were slinging your work shirt into your laundry bin. You couldn’t help the smile that spread as you thought about how he called you ‘my dear.’ You know it's probably nothing more than a common nickname for any woman in Hannibal’s life, but it still felt good to be called something other than your real name. 

~~~~~~~~

Somehow you had managed to avoid a lot of major traffic and pull up to Hannibal’s home right at 7 o’clock. He must have heard your engine or seen your headlights because as you got out of your car and made your way to his front door, it was already open with him waiting for you with a small smile on his lips. 

“Right on time.” 

“Did you doubt me?”

“Never.” Hannibal moved to the side to let you in. You were instantly hit with the scents of whatever he was whipping up in his kitchen. 

“One day you’ll have to teach me how to make something really fancy just so I can show off next time I have someone over.” You shrugged off your bag and went to hang it up in the closet, but Hannibal beat you to it.

“Someone like a partner?” He was so good at hiding any sort of inflection in his voice, but you could have sworn that you detected a bit of jealousy. You slightly laughed at the idea of having any sort of romantic partner right now.

“I was thinking more along the lines of my brother. You know I don’t have much of a social life outside work.

Hannibal motioned for you to walk towards the kitchen, you did so and he was right behind you. 

This was normal for the two of you. You tried to have a meal or at least coffee together once or twice a week to give both of you a break from whatever the world was dishing out to you that week. You had met as colleagues when you worked together on a project for the FBI. But now you both were in a comfortable friendship. There was a pang in your heart that wanted to explore the idea of being more than friends or coworkers with him, but you doubted Hannibal felt the same. If he did, he wouldn’t show it due to his connection with your brother and out of respect for you. So the two of you continued this dance of being extremely friendly but too scared to make a move or speak up.

You poured yourself a glass of water and leaned against the kitchen counter as Hannibal reached into the refrigerator for lemon juice and finished up cooking. 

“How was your day today?” You ask him, as you take a sip.

“It was alright. Met with patients, got further in a drawing, figured out what to cook for a beautiful lady as a congratulation of sorts.” Hannibal quickly looked up at you as he said the last half of that before turning to the stovetop. You felt a very small blush creep on your neck, but tried to play it cool. 

“Congratulations?”

“On your new position. I hope you don’t mind that Will shared that with me today.”

“Did he now?” You couldn’t help the slight negativity in your voice as you looked away and played with your ring. “He is definitely not as happy for me as you are. I’m sure you’re aware that he did not want me to accept Jack’s offer.”

“I cannot tell what he said, but I can tell you that he was rather upset when he came in today.”

“Sounds like my brother.” You took another drink of water, not even noticing that Hannibal had plated dinner until he spoke up.

“Now, if you’d please.” You quickly looked up and saw that he was gesturing to the dining room. You tried to help by grabbing a plate or his cup or something to bring to the table but he just gently ushered you into the next room. He never let you help out when you were over as a dinner guest, but you tried every time. 

The two of you sat and began eating. It was a good minute or two of silence before someone spoke up. 

“This is delicious, Hannibal! I don’t know what vegetable this is exactly,” you help up a swirly looking green piece on your fork, “but it is amazing with this sauce you’ve made.”

“That is romanesco broccoli. I thought you might like it. It looks intimidating but tastes like the typical broccoli that you normally eat. It's just a bit… Artistic.” He slightly smiled, happy that he could amuse you with new food. You took another bite as Hannibal reached for his wine. Before he took a sip, he asked something that had been on his mind.

“May I ask what grabbed your focus so much that you almost missed out on dinner tonight?”

“Oh, right! Jack apparently already has a killer he wants me to start profiling. He gave me copies of the reports to read up on before I have my first official day tomorrow. I told myself I was just going to read the first one, but then got carried away.”

“Is this the killer that has been targeting doctors?” You gave him a questioning look, unsure of how he knew about the case. “Jack asked for my opinion at the crime scene for Dr.Chaseten a few weeks ago. Considering they haven’t caught anyone, I’m assuming that is what he has you working on.”

“Then you would be correct. There are now three mutilated doctors that have no obvious correlation to each other other than the cause of death and the fact that they are doctors.” You sipped your drink and continued. “I know I’ve only been Jack’s official profiler for less than a day, but it's still biting at me that I don’t see anything yet.”

Hannibal reached over and put a hand on yours to try to rein you back in before you thought too much about the case.

“I’m sure you will have more answers tomorrow.” You smiled and patted his hand, ignoring the slight butterflies you got from the contact. You took a deep breath.

“I know. I shouldn’t get this deep yet. That insanity will hit me tomorrow when I have to brainstorm with Jack.” You smiled even though it didn’t fully reach your eyes. You knew Hannibal would pick up on it. 

“I think it was Oscar Levant that said that ‘there’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.’ Let’s just hope Jack Crawford won’t erase his line.” Hannibal gave your hand a small squeeze before removing his hand, causing you both to return your attention to your meal. 

“You know, we could have rescheduled this dinner if you felt the need to finish your work.” Hannibal was sincere. He understood your work was a major part of your life, but he did like to see you outside the halls of the FBI.

“No! I wanted to come by tonight! Honestly, I needed a mood lifter after today.”

“Oh? How come?” You finished chewing and then spoke your mind. You knew Hannibal was a therapist, but he wasn’t your therapist. So you tried to keep it friendly.

“I should be excited and happy to be starting this new position, but I’m more worried about Will. I don’t want this job to be what divides us, you know? We’re so close, and I am one of the few people that he can be comfortable around. I don’t want to take that from him.” You pause, unconsciously bouncing your leg and fidgeting with your ring slightly. You shook your head as if that would temporarily erase the thought. “I just hope that if I keep working cases, he will get more and more okay with it.” You cut off a piece of fish and ate, letting Hannibal know that you were done speaking.

“I’m sure he will be fine.” You look up to find him staring at you. More like watching you, hyper-aware of your movements that show your anxiety. “But enough about Will.” Hannibal held up his glass towards you. “Here’s to you and your new path in the FBI. May they see you as valuable and wonderful as I do.” 

You patted your lips with your napkin and smiled as you clinked your glass with his. Your heart swelled at his words. Why do you do this to me? 

The rest of the evening was spent finishing your meal and forcing Hannibal to let you help with the dishes. Afterward, he walked you to your car, as usual, opening the door for you like a true gentleman. 

Your drive home was peaceful and you found yourself smiling, thankful for your evening with Hannibal. It was nice to know that someone you cared about was happy for you.

[retphienix]

It's been 6 years :)

On March 30th, 2015 I decided I wanted a gaming side blog. (so we're early, but shush, it's the month for me)

I didn't know what I'd use it for exactly, but I had ideas- something I always have even if most of them only get as far as daydreamin' or writing out before closing them :P

For proof on the lack of direction the blog initially had- the March 30th date is the anniversary of my first post, an in-depth and lengthy review of Dragon Warrior Monsters for the GBC.

If you know the blog then you know "Extremely long and in-depth reviews" aren't the norm around here. As a matter of fact, that first post is the ONLY one I've done!

The closest I've come to ever repeating that would be the (word of the day) Directionless video I put out on Hades to get a grip on the concept of making videos, but that wasn't nearly as much of a 'review' as that first post is.

Tangent, definitely planning on trying my hand at videos some more for the foreseeable future. Probably not gonna use the tagline Full Impressions that I tossed as a whim for the Hades video but yeah- I'm excited to try my hand at a few videos :) tangent over.

It didn't take me long to come up with what I'd like to do for the blog though :)

A few months later I liveblogged a challenge run of FFT where I used only Ramza- a solo run. - Which maybe only happened because I tried a nuzlocke run a year prior on my main account-

(Nuzlocke | FFT challenge run)

Thanks to that haphazard liveblog experiment I started to realize a couple things which became the primary motivators behind this blog.

1) I LOVE sharing experiences. No brainer, I'm sure, but being able to share my experiences, and compare them with others' experiences, and just that mutual sharing is uplifting and feels good to do.

2) Liveblogging is an EXCEPTIONAL motivator to buckle down and play all those games I said I'd play (cue everyone laughing because I'm still way behind and have an immeasurable backlog).

But I mean that, on both respects. I have plenty of motivators toward the blog today, but if I were to be concise it's pretty much "It's easier to beat games if I liveblog them- otherwise I get distracted and play other games" and "I love sharing experiences and thoughts with people about my favorite thing- games."

Since 2015 I've tackled around 70 games as full playthroughs, and an untold ton as one offs or just to ramble about for a bit.

I've had a lot of highlights over the years, and I don't talk much about it as an overall experience so I thought for the anniversary I'd try to do just that. Not everything- I can't say I have photographic memory that would bring all of it up without prompting after all :P But whatever comes to mind as I browse some of my old stuff- as well as some thoughts on what I'd like to see in the future.

It's gonna be a bit self-centric I assume as I type this preamble to it, so let me say outright that this blog wouldn't be half of what it is without all the people who've given it the time of day over the years.

From recommending games they love or appreciate, to comparing thoughts, to offering kind words for analysis I've done over the years, to pointing out when I'm dumb and misread a situation :P- to, yes, even the people who decided "Fuck this guy's ramble" and deleted my captions before reblogging my gifs way back during Hamtaro (Of COURSE I remember that! It's amusing lol).

This is better because of others, because of the interactions and the people I've gotten the chance to chat with or befriend. It's just a liveblog more or less, my own little bit of fun I toss out for myself if for anyone- so seeing others enjoy this or that from the work I put into sharing my experiences or thoughts is always a joy in itself :)

Anyway, onto selfishly rambling about some tidbits of the past :)

Also sorry but no, opted to not shove a ton of photos in, it does have a handful of links to old posts though :P

This'll be disorganized as heck as I'll add to it over time before I feel it's worth posting (or the tumblr post editor becomes a hassle and more or less forces me to).

First~

FFT Solo Ramza Challenge: Considering it was roughly the first thing this blog has done, it's also something that's stuck in my head a lot more clearly than most of the other stuff I've done to be honest lol.

In truth, this is partially because FFT is my favorite game, bar none. But it's also because the whole experience was pretty new to me. Prior to it I had really only done one self-imposed-challenge that wasn't requested by the game in some manner and that was a nuzlocke run of Blue version.

So adding a challenge to my favorite game was a fantastic experience!

Notes I just wanted to say today about that run: If anyone enjoys FFT I honestly recommend giving it a shot for the unique story it lends itself to. I do recommend skipping the rules until after the second battle but that's up to YOU to decide.

My first post on the subject is me complaining about spending 4 hours grinding out the second fight and, despite hyperbole being my natural state, that was NOT hyperbole.

It DID take 60~ restarts to beat. It DID take 4 hours. The reason is that that 2nd battle is RNG as HECK, you HAVE to have Delita do some meaningful actions, you HAVE to have the enemies miss and make poor plays, you damn near HAVE to crit a few instances to save yourself from taking too much damage.

It's a numbers game to the extreme, so I wouldn't fault anyone for 'cheating' and skipping the 2nd fight for the ruleset lol.

The memory that stands out the most for that run is actually isolated in a post in which Ramza (Purrick in this run) talks like a total badass as just ONE DUDE running into a room full of enemies. I just think on that as a great encapsulated view of what it was like. The run started off face grindingly difficult, but because FFT is a game that offers so much freedom to the player it was extremely easy to 'break' the game into making Purrick overpowered as hell.

That's something I love about some tactical RPGs, I love having the ability to play smart so that I can play stupid later on, and breaking the game into making him one shot god is certainly a good payoff for playing smart early on :P

RetQuick: I miss RetQuick, it was primarily a short experiment I did in 2015 where I'd play a game for a short span of time (REALLY short, like 10-20 minutes) and record that for the purpose of making gifs and saying a short piece on what I thought.

It's one of those formats where the purpose was pretty shallow- but had a reason. I wanted to try making some gifs with some tools that existed online, so I made an excuse to do just that.

I also wanted to play a TON of games, usually through emulation on my sister's PSP, and this let me do that.

These two minor goals came together and so I spent a while making RetQuicks which were honestly more fun to make than they had any right to be. I mean the gifs were tedious but the playing? The thought sharing? The end product ocassionally having more appeal than just a photoset? It was fun.

I'm thinking whenever I have trouble picking a game for the blog I'll revisit the format... sorta.

I already reused it for a short stint to show clips I had no plan on expanding into a playthrough, but that died as well as it was too similar to Tidbits posts (another tag I no longer really use).

My thought is to rebrand retquick as something of a tryout for what game comes next. Play a handful of my backlog games for an hour or so each and say some thoughts before saying which one I'll continue as the main game for that period of time.

Old Tag Stuff: One of those things that only sticks to me since I made the decisions but it's always funny for me to look back on my old posts because I was apprehensive as hell toward making my posts visible. The reason my early playthroughs on the My-Tags page are variants of Ret instead of just "The name of the game so people can find this post" is because I felt like a liveblog would just spam the tag to hell-

Something I don't remotely feel bad for doing anymore.

So I avoided getting any sort of spotlight for quite a while on the blog for little reason.

Why Retphienix?: This is just a dumb thought I wanted to share and I'm sure I've said before.

It stands for retro!

Yeah!

Ain't that dumb and also not a real shorthand? lol

I think I have some sort of deer in headlights anxiety towards naming things, I mean do you think I think Full Impressions is a good summation for a video? I don't. But perhaps that's overshadowed by the other inexperiences and anxiety driven decisions that had- doesn't matter.

Retphienix is Retphienix because I sat there in 2015 and thought "Well... what do I name an alt account?"

My main is Redphienix, which yes, is ALSO a terrible name AND is misspelled. But it's that because of sentimental reasons. As a kid I misspelled Redphoenix when making my gamertag (I knew how to spell Phoenix back then as well, I was too excited about xbox live and misspelled it) and it's become something of a sentimental misspelling.

So I wanted to make a mix on that for my game blog, but I had no idea what. In the end I thought "RetroPhienix? I don't know. Retphienix is closer to Redphienix. I'll do that" and so it was done.

And just like how Redphienix is both bad and misspelled but exists because of sentimental reasons- Retphienix has acquired the same 'flavor' in my eye lol.

Aspirations for the blog: I have no immediate ramp up plans or road map or whatever, and in truth I'll be happy if the blog stays just as it is forever- up until tumblr ends- I cry over lost posts- and I reopen it on another platform.

But I do have blurry half-considered daydreams that I'd like to see happen for the blog through some hard work or shifts on my part.

One is something I'm already doing kinda, hence my embarrassing means of bringing it up a lot lately. Videos- I want those. I wanna make some looks back on series people don't talk about that I enjoy, I want to make videos sharing my thoughts on games I beat for the blog (like what full impressions kinda was, but I don't think they'll have a unified name from here on out). Maybe retrospectives, but mostly when I think of making a video tied to retphienix or me in general it's me looking at a game that said something to me, and saying it louder with my own interpretations on it.

You know the kind, videos where they talk about a video game but not the whole thing- just a singular message they really heard loud and clear from it intentionally or not. I dig those and I know I end a lot of games having plenty to say that could be directed into such a format.

We'll see.

And I'm along for the ride on that one as well- currently I'm keeping my eyes on whatever is directly next, which happens to be "I plan on playing Omori, if it clicks as something to talk about I would like to take a shot at that in a video too!"

The other is that I'd like to build a small community. Wouldn't know the first thing on doing that in a modern sense, but just a little online friend group to chat with and play games together. Something that could open up multiplayer and coop experiences being better shared on the blog and would just in general expand my gaming to what it used to be back on the 360 when I had a large group to play with.

Since the 360 era ended I've pretty much closed off- stopped playing competitive games due to lack of interest- and slowed down to playing all games either solo, with randoms (and no mic usually), or with my cousin. It's a rare instance when I play with some good people like @gamesception or another friend of mine, John.

When I diverted from playing competitive games nonstop toward other genres I didn't intend to also cut out all my online gaming buds, it just kinda happened, and I never really put any effort into rectifying that.

So more or less I'd like to one day sit down and work on a discord server, and then buck up and put the leg work in to make some gamin' buds again, but that's such a vague concept anymore.

Sounds all sad and what not but it's more ambivalent, I made decisions that

changed how gaming worked for me after the 360 and this is just where it landed for better and worse- I'd just like to see if I can make it a little better :P

General things I think when I think retphienix: Honestly? I think of how much fun I've had over the years and how thankful I am to have had an outlet that encouraged me to explore more of the medium.

I REALLY love games. I went to college for games, I've written LEAGUES about games, I've played countless games, my childhood was games, my adult life is games- games games games yada yada yada.

So when I think of retphienix I think of how without it I probably wouldn't have explored a lot of the corners of gaming that I have.

I genuinely, and I mean this, might not have sat down and beaten FF7 for myself and would have considered the amount I played as a kid to be enough.

I might not have played Chrono Trigger yet, and I KNOW I wouldn't have played Chrono Cross, and I'm happy as hell to have played both of those. CT was a mind blowing moment for me that showed me just how good an RPG can be, and CC gave me miles to think of in terms of innovating an RPG and how beholden to the narrative a sequel should be (I don't feel CC should have been chrono at all lol).

I DEFINITELY wouldn't have given New Vegas another chance. And I know I'm a sourpuss on NV, I've been that way since I maxed my achievements on the 360 for it, but replaying it really did reveal to me how exceedingly negative I was being.

My memories had become "It's brown and a boring location >:(" and "The factions all suck and it doesn't do anything with the idea of bad factions >:(" and became "It's... a little brown guys, not a big fan of the area" and "They didn't do enough with exploring the gray factions" while adding "Wait. This is pretty damn fun. And 90% of the additions are stellar. And I forgot about Dead Money, my favorite dlc in any game ever with a story that tears at my heart every time I think of it, NV good actually?"

Faxanadu would have remained a cool game I saw on SSFF and not a game I played to the end and fell in love with the aesthetic feel it has!

Also that's a game I cheated like crazy on lol, I would do it again! Save state scumming games meant to be rudely difficult is only fair :P

I probably would have never sat down to play through Windwaker which was such a positive and uplifting experience that I now get the most relaxed and warm feeling in my heart when I see those blue waves.

There's so many experiences I would have left on the table in favor of like... putting more hours into a live service title or something.

Maybe, and no offense to my cousin or anyone else playing it, but maybe I'd be no-lifing World of Warcraft nonstop just stagnating my interest toward the skinner box mechanics of an MMO?

Some offense, actually but lightheartedly lol.

But beyond the entire games I've played for the blog, when I think retphienix I picture all the time making gifs, all those games I played on the PSP for short stints, buying a retron 5 to add to what I could explore and being stoked when they shipped a freebie box of old controllers to go with it, getting angry at the retron for being a Piece Of Shit lol, crying at the end of damn near every game with an emotional story because I'm a big emotional mess of a person who finds investing and crying at a story way too easy thanks to empathy pulls, oh!-

Getting excited whenever I found that I had a "*controversial*" opinion that no one would care about lol. Like the one that comes to mind is that I thoroughly believe that Dragon Ball Z II: Gekishin Freeza!! for the NES is WAY better than the fandom recognized and appreciated sequel/remake Dragon Ball Z: Legend of the Super Saiyan!

How many people do you hear talking about either game, let alone saying the NES game that is roughly half of the SNES remake is the better one :P But I stand by that! The SNES one is a remake of DBZ1 and 2 for the NES but it loses all the charm and some of the fun of the NES ones by being a lackluster SNES game!

lol

I admitted wholeheartedly that this post would be a lit-

little directionless (gotta love the new tumblr poster making me break sentences like that), but to sum things up.

It's been 6 years. It's been an untold amount of work to be honest- liveblogging a game, at least for me, hasn't been the easiest thing. It's a lot of thinking out my thoughts (heh), it's a lot of learning tools to make the capturing process possible, it's a lot of experimenting, it's a lot of writing and editing, and, well, sometimes it's just tough.

I mean I went to school for coding, not video editing, not writing, not image processing, not this or that- but this hobby has introduced a lot of things even if only at a VERY base level (I admit fully to using online alternatives to make gifs for instance).

I learned a lot about, well, a lot of things in order to use this blog to learn more about games- and all that work has become part of why I've loved all 6 years of this blog.

6 years of gaming, work, and you all- and it's been worth the investment :) Here's to many more and all of you whether you stumble upon this post or not- literally anyone who's interacted in these 6 years, thank you, and anyone who hasn't I offer you well wishes as well.

<3

[zigtheeortega]

5 writer asks

thank you for tagging me @pixelsandkink and @raleiighcarrera mwah !!

ok so since i write for choices, litg, and twc i’m gonna take all of those into account for this :)

1 story to be proud of & why:

the first one that comes to mind is to hell and back. i hadn’t written for ride or die before, and i pushed myself to write something diverging from canon that had consistent theming, and great angst. i’m still really proud of it. it took me a long time to finish it and all my friends who stan ride or die really loved it so !!!

2 stories that are most popular by readers:

unrequited part one and calm before the storm ! both bryce fics lmao he’s the money maker baby KSDFJKSD but seriously i love writing bryce so im glad it’s fics that i care about that are well received!!

3 stories with the best characters & why:

as good as gold – i just love mal in this fic so much because i was really wrapped up in blades and fleshing out my mc zilyana at the time and this is them when they were testing the waters with each other and getting to know each other so i just <3 they’re babies and also i lowkey predicted some of mal’s behaviors so !!! i think i nailed his characterization

hearth – i think this is one of my underrated favs bc i think i nailed bryce’s flirty side and i wrote a little bit of the group dynamic !!

unrequited part 3 – well i mean bryce is perfect here because i predicted canon so i think i wrote him very in character AND i wrote keiki and i love her so <3 KSJDFKSKD JK i just think since it took me a long time to finish it i was focusing even more on the characterization

4 stories I was excited to write about:

the list, because it’s canon divergent and set in the future with mal and i just! once i had the idea in my head i couldn’t stop

more, because i’d never written mason smut before OR super explicit smut at that LMFAO

mementos, because i wanted to write for rodaw and i managed to put out a good fic 

out of time – i’m gonna sound demonic but i was excited to write this because i knew i was gonna write characters i normally didn’t and give myself the closure i wanted from an off screen character death

calm before the storm – gonna sound demonic again, but i used this fic kind of as a coping mechanism from the loss i’ve experienced this year so !! i was excited to delve into bryce’s motivations because i saw myself in him in the way he handled things

5 of my personal favorite stories:

creature of habit, because i think i captured zilyana and mal’s relationship perfectly and it was a gift fic using my friend’s headcanon so !!! it’s an underrated fav

attached series, because it’s something i haven’t seen before? and im pushing myself to write for two polar opposite characters (mason and felix). and i care so deeply about them both as love interests and characters so !!! i’m really excited to see where it goes.

unrequited series, because it was the first time i was really proud of my writing? i’ve said it a million times before but i really was and still am. people actually wanted more from me and that hadn’t happened before (outside of my friend group LMAO)

asvista cove, my litg college au that i’ve been working on (kind of mia rn but im trying to get back on track). it’s the most ambitious world building i’ve done but i’ve come up with the town, the school, the mascot, the friend groups, the beach hangout spot, the bar, all of it!! it’s so much planning and it’s completely self indulgent and i love it.

i’m gonna add this litg fic on the end, because the one year anniversary of ‘is this fate?’ is coming up tomorrow (i think) – this was the first multi-chaptered fanfic i’d written and the second fic i’d EVER written. i’ve grown so much as a writer and even though i cringe a little at the title, the writing, the repetitiveness, the overall sloppiness of it – it’s something i’m really proud of because i sat down and crafted an au when i didn’t know anyone online, didn’t have anybody to motivate me or push me besides myself and my own mind which was bursting with stupid little cliche ideas that i felt like i had to write down.... and people enjoyed it and wanted more (its about to hit 3k hits, which WOW... how???). anyways sorry this got so long but i’ve come SO FAR in a year and it makes me feel so warm inside thinking about it. <3 

not tagging anybody but if you made it this far, consider yourself tagged - and thank u for reading my ramblings LMAO

[yume-x-hanabi]

Writer Meta Meme

I decided to do all the questions on this meme :)

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

My current project is Concubinage, my gaiwin arranged marriage AU. It started as a random, entirely self-indulgent idea, but it has since grown into an actual project. Progress is good, I’ve managed to do bi-monthly updates and I have 30k in my drafts so far.

What I love the most about it is that, since it���s an AU, I’m pretty free to do whatever I want. I don’t have to be too careful of timelines and so on. Plus, in this AU, Gaius and Wingul are able to get closer than they otherwise would, due to the different circumstances. They have their own trials, but it’s different than in the canon timeline.

Another current project is Tales of Xillia Week, but I didn’t get much inspiration for it so I think I’m gonna do meta/headcanon posts more than fics ^^;

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

I’m looking forward to getting to the part where it’s just domestic fluff haha. It’ll take a while to reach that point though.

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Not just one scene ig, but I’ve been wanting to write one-shots showing how the Chimeriad survived, and... haven’t gotten around to planning it. So it’s pretty low on my project list tbh.

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

I have... a few, but they’re all spoilers for future chapters XD;;

5. What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

I don’t... really identify with characters. I mean, they’re pretty different than me in personality, life and circumstances...

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

I love writing Gaius and Wingul of course, but Agria’s probably the most fun. She’s completely unrestrained, which makes her pretty easy and fun to let loose XD

7. What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

Exposition and worldbuilding XD

I can’t help it, I always need to develop the setting...

8. Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

Yes. I would love it if more people wrote gaiwin XD

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

I used to be more of a ficlet writer, but I’m currently doing well with a longfic XD

As for the rest, it varies. I like to plot and outline a bit, but it’s often rather loose and I let inspiration guide me.

10. How would you describe your writing process?

Wait for inspiration time, energy and motivation to align.

11. What do you envy in other writers?

Those who update super long fics every week. How do you do it????

12. Do you want your writing to be famous?

Naah, I’m fine in my corner of fandom. Though I wouldn’t say no to a few more readers, if only to know that the ship still sails xD

13. Do you share your writing online? (Drop a link!) Do you have projects you’ve kept just for yourself?

Yep, I post on AO3. And all projects are meant to be posted one day, but some aren’t simply because they aren’t finished.

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

The beginning, usually, but I might change it

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Tags are easy. Titles and summaries are hard, and I always end up with something boring but heh, as long as they get the meaning across...

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

It was last year, but I tried first person pov with my Agria fic, because that fits her well. I’d like to try poetry, maybe.

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

I have no idea tbh. When I write, I like to imagine what my readers will think (especially like when I write funny scenes, I hope they’ll make people laugh), but idk if it’s exactly like I think.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

In Concubinage, I considered adding a plotline where Arst met an ex and had to deal with complicated feelings about it -- being reminded how it was to be in a loving relationship vs political marriage, craving intimacy like he used to have with said ex, etc. I ended up scrapping the idea though.

I also have... two or three possible ways things can play out in a much later plotpoint, and I think I’m pretty sure of which way I’ll go already, but the other possibilities exist. Maybe I’ll make a post about all abandoned plotlines one day...

19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

“And, but, and, but...” XD;

Also characters often find themselves doing something before they knew it...

My style is probably pretty repetitive. I’m not a native speaker, and I feel limited sometimes...

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Concubinage is the result of watching too many sageuk and  taiga drama. No I’m not sorry.

When writing AU, I always like to include “cameo” of the original storyline (for example, as the plot of a book, or treating the canon games as a fractured dimension in Chimeriad Live AU’s, etc)

In Fractured Lives, I try to alternate Wingul and Gaius’ pov. It’s probably gonna bite me in the ass when some plot points work better in one pov but the chapter requires the other. I’ll probably have to come up with some fillers or something...

I have extensive headcanon about Auj Oule’s geography, history etc, which pops up in a lot of (planned) fics. Even if it’s different fics/AU’s (ex. Concubinage vs my pre-game gaiwin project vs the Wingul fic I was writing for the big bang), I reuse the same settings and OC’s. Most of those aren’t written/posted yet so it’s pretty self-contained for now, but if I ever get to completing those projects I hope it won’t be too confusing to readers who don’t follow all the stories...

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

If I had the art skills, I’d love to turn some of them into comics ;A;

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

Sometimes. Usually because I need to refresh my memory before writing a new chapter XD

23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

That project to write the whole pre-game Gaius & Wingul history, that’s something I’ve been wanting since forever. Well, I originally wanted to read it, but since no one’s gonna do it, I started thinking I should write it. It’s gonna be a huge project though...

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

I honestly have no idea. I do sense a difference in that it’s much easier for me to just write now; I guess habit helps. But I have no idea if style changed or anything lol.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Filling the tag with my OTP XD

[hinabes]

A letter from the Food Fantasy writing team.

Source: xixi1226 on Lofter (They’re merely a relay, and so am I)

Touches on the writing of Food Fantasy as a whole and Black Forest Cake. Keep an open mind and be kind.

Only the parts specifically labeled as “TL note” is input by me (pretty sure there’s only one)

To all Master Attendants.

First of all, we may disappoint you, as we in the writing team are only responsible for the story, so we can't send out any in-game rewards. This is just the ramblings of some writing ladies.

Let's start with the past. Food Fantasy is almost 2 years old, and the writing team has been around for a long time as well.

From the bottom of our hearts, we know very well that our stories are mediocre, and very few members of the community actually read them.

At first, there were very few fan creations on Lofter, mostly inspired by the game arts. The first big burst in fanwork came from the haunted amusement park event.

When we saw the large amount (in our eyes) of fanworks, we were delighted.

That's right, we're lurking, watching from the shadows every day. Every! Day!

Though, due to work reasons and we've all got loose lips, we're not allowed to use our own accounts to like and comment on stuff.

Nonetheless, we're very thankful to everyone who comes to Lofter and uploads to the Food Fantasy tag!

To put it simply, a fanwork community like Lofter is built from all sorts of varying opinions, and that of course includes the dissatisfaction that some players have towards some characters.

As an author, our characters are like our children and seeing them hated, we can't deny that we're not saddened.

But of course, there must be a reason for a character to be hated.

A story, good or bad, must have an antagonist.

Whether people like or hate them, there's a reason for them to exist.

We created antagonists, besides out of necessity for the storyline, in hopes to show you a clearer Tierra, with all kinds of people with different points of view.

To be labeled an antagonist, these characters must have done some things unacceptable to the general public. They have their own stories to tell, and we would hate to claim any of them as completely innocent. The problem lies in something we hoped to doーーshow that bad people have pasts tooーーwe didn't do well enough.

This is our problem.

Be it because of a disliked ship or a character that's too grim.

We will use this experience and work even harder to write better characters and stories.

Once again, we thank everyone for putting your efforts into the tag, making your voices heard.

You've shown us, at the very least, that our efforts put into this or that character have been seen and that you're willing to voice out for them.

We take the time to read every single one of your posts. Perhaps putting it like that might make us seem egoistic.

Nevertheless, from the writing team, thank you!

We have seen lots and lots of the world of Tierra, it's not a pure world of only saints and innocents, it has a wide variety of characters.

The good, the bad, but no matter what, whatever anyone does is rooted in their own beliefs.

Such is the way in real life as well. Because of you, we have the motivation to push onwards.

At the same time, we wish that whatever negativity you have, you vent by enjoying the game, leaving the joy and happiness you have for reality. And that the game is able to release whatever pent up negativity you have from reality.

Thank you for voicing out your suggestions to us, and thank you for your love for the characters of Tierra!

From the bottoms of our hearts, we hope that the tag can thrive through the hard work of all of us, with more and more fan creations for everyone to look at. Because of your support, we have the courage to push onwards.

Thank you, everyone.

Formalities and heartfelt words done with, let's talk about things you're probably more interested in.

First off, we have seen everyone's dissatisfaction with Black Forest Cake.

Is she based off a certain unacceptable organization? Actually, no!

("You're wrong, I'm not!" Black Forest Cake yells)

The black forest cake is a famous German dessert that prides itself on its strict craftsmanship, maintaining its fame over its long history.

In Germany, if a patissier didn't make black forest cakes by the set recipe, such as swapping out ingredients and making it with vanilla sponge cake and strawberries instead and still selling it as "black forest cake", their shop would be swiftly shut down and the chef might even have to serve a term in prison, as the black forest cake is legally protected by the EU. (TL note: google "black forest cake protected status")

Compared to other desserts, the craftsmanship regulations for the black forest cake may be considered overly harsh. We've only seen Germans portrayed as strict on the internet as well. Combining these, we made Black Forest Cake a stickler for the rules.

Taking a step back, another factor is that when we were writing, we saw a lot of news reports about overbearing and manipulative parents, along with the stress and breakdowns of friends.

=-=.......

Um… At first, Black Forest Cake was modeled after a child who grew up with overbearing parents, who in turn enforced too many unreasonable rules on her own children, which resulted in their pent-up stress bursting out on her. The parent in this situation would never back off and would think it's the child at fault.

We're so sorry… Everyone, you think too highly of us… We know far less about military history than some of you do, and we're nowhere near as good at making connections… To bring up bad feelings, we're really… sorry…

Regarding the design of her clothing, this is the image we brought up as a suggestion: A punkish dress with military vibes.

(Gets on knees and apologizes)

We're so sorry, it's completely our fault that we didn't take into more consideration everyone's ability to make connections! But it's true, we really didn't! We really didn't!!!

QAQ We love this world! We're not an evil, anti-human organization!!

Black Forest Cake out of the way, let's talk about more stuff you might be interested in, the stuff many of you approach support about.

Q: Do Food Souls have genders? A: Food Souls' bodies are modeled after humans'. They're whatever gender they believe themselves to be, Hotdog's gender is hotdog.

Q: Can Food Souls [CENSORED]? A: ………..Modeled after…humans… um…….. when two Food Souls love each other very much… ummmm if we say more our boss is gonna beat us, you get the idea, don't come asking anymore!!!! Please!!!! QAQ

Q: Is there true love between Food Souls? A: Depends. The bigger your heart is, the more space you have in there. As they say, the stage extends as far as the heart goes.

Q: Are XXX and XXX shipped? What's the relationship between XXX and XXX!! A: … We said stop asking!!! We're gonna killed by our toxic male boss!!!! Please, please, please just read the story and make more fanworks. We definitely will see them.

Q: How much do you check Lofter? A: I know nobody asked this question, but. Your creations on Lofter may just become the inspiration for our next story, each of us checks Lofter as often as 4 or 5 times a day at most. Thanks, pl0x, next question.

Q: Anything to say? A: Thank you, everyone! We love you! (づ￣ 3￣)づ

Lastly, we hope that we can all take on the world with an open mind, express ourselves better, bring joy to everyone else, and with a strong positivity we can better ourselves as people.

Thank you to each and every one of you who read this far! We will continue working hard and do our best to deliver you heartfelt stories, both sad ones that have you bawling your eyes out and sweet ones that give you toothaches. Loving you always, the writing team.

ーーThoughts after half a month of overtime 21 August 2019

[queen-scribbles]

WIP tag meme

Tagged by @greyias

Take three (or less if you are a responsible writer who is not all over the place ;) ) pieces you’ve been working on in the past few weeks and post a paragraph of each and give a short description and tell people why they should look forward to it! (praise yourself like you deserve it!)

tag your fellow author friends for a peak into their heads!

--

Only one has an actual snippet, but I can describe and self-promo for a couple more. ;)

WIP 1:  [Briyoni] delegated the choosing of a replacement to Jorgan, forwarded all the dossiers Commander Malcolm sent her to him. She trusted his judgment on this, didn't trust her own. Besides, she was too busy. Between Havoc ops--and there were a lot of them, fighting both the Sith Empire and the newly emerged Eternal Empire--she was comming every contact she had, trying to find a loophole or sufficient leverage to get Dorne back. She got so desperate she even contacted the Jedi Temple, reaching out to the older sister she'd never met, only to be informed that Master Vica, Barsen'thor of the Jedi Order, had been on Darth Marr's flagship as an ally and Jedi liaison to the Wild Space Expedition.

Description: Brykar longfic, set during the five years the will-be-Outlander(Bry’s sister Vica) is in carbonite, covering at least part of what my girl and her spy boy get up to.

Why you should look forward to it: I mean, it’s Brykar, why wouldn’t you?. I kid, I kid. I’m not so arrogant as to assume my character/ship’s mere presence makes a fic worth reading. But seriously, it’s f!Trooper/Jonas Balkar, main storyline is her looking for/rescuing him when his SIS team is left on Denon during the Eternal Empire invasion and occupation. includes the Eclipse mess, now on beautiful Hoth for an extra level of challenge, will be both established relationship and a... variation on slow burn(they’re Together as in engaged, but not together as in in the same place until, like, the last 1/3 of the fic), will have both Dorne siblings AND Fuse in supporting roles, and heavily features the Nerai Snark(TM) even if she doesn’t have Jonas to banter with.

WIP 2: Is Of Wardens and Pariahs, but since I just posted a new chapter a week and a half ago, the next one is still in the outline stage and I have no paragraph to give you.

Description: Joined canon AU for Dragon Age: Origins where my Amell and @errantgoat’s Cousland were both recruited to the Grey Wardens and have to overcome personality conflicts in addition to saving the fucking world. Only time will tell which is the more difficult.

Why you should look forward to it: Aside from the fact Harvey Cousland is quite possibly my favorite Warden EVER(including my own /cough sorry kids)? It’s co-written, Alex(Harvey’s mama) is amazing, and while we’re basically following the major plot points from the game, we’re not verbatim hitting every detail. For example, we’re currently on the Lost in Dreams arc and Alex wrote a bunch of chapters from Harvey’s POV that are fantastic (biased, who me??) and get through a bunch of the  “necessary” steps for the arc without being straight-up retread of what you do for that part of the game. (Look, I love Harvey, and I love Alex, and especially how she writes Fade Stuff, and I’m not gonna shut up about how great she is, k? K <3) And having three Wardens instead of two does some fun interesting things to the group dynamics(especially since Trinne and Harvey are so very, very different, personality-wise. Poor Alistair.), so those are fun to see. Idk, I still love DAO fics even thought the game’s ten years old, so I don’t need much encouragement to read/write them. :P How do I market myself, help

WIP 3: not a fic, but the Tragen meta is longer than some things I write and it’s not done yet, OY.

Description: character analysis/backstory/motivation for my Sith Warrior, Tragen Xo’ric.

Why you should look forward to it: It’s me rambling/getting emotional over my Lawful Good Paladin archetype SITH son for (so far) 3k words. What’s not to look forward to? :D

Annnd I’m gonna snag @storyknitter, since she’s been my enabler on that Brykar thing :3 and.... hmm. let’s say @haledamage 

[lilithsworldd]

A Date with Fangs Fogarty

A bit of backstory: it's like 2 am and I have been wanting to type this out for literal ages but havent had the motivation until now. Essentially, Y/N [your name for those who dont know] reveals to their boyfriend Fangs that they want to go to the aquarium for their birthday and Fangs plans it out and makes it a special day. I hope you all enjoy I loved writing this. The moodboard was made by @southsidersweetpea a lovely human being.

It had been the one time you and Fangs were able to agree on a date. Normally things were wild and unpredictable, what would start off as a date to Pops would turn in to playing laser tag or curling up and casually watching a movie, but this time you had been firm. One day the two of you were curled up on your bed cuddling after a long day, your head was on his chest while you resisted the urge to sleep from the warmth Fangs' body gave off and that's when you just began to ramble, "Do you know what I want for my birthday?"

Fangs had been in his own state of comfort; as he laid in the bed his head was tipped back and his eyes closed as his fingers lazily danced across your arm tracing patterns on your skin. Too comfortable to speak, he responded to your question with a simple, "Hm?" as his eyes opened slightly to stare at the ceiling.

"I want to go to an aquarium; I went to one when I was little but I havent been able to go since. It would just be a nice trip I think" Y/N said in a sleepy tone, but this had captured Fangs attention and no sooner than you had fallen asleep he was planning things out in his head from ways to earn the money to scheduling and activities to do beforehand.

Now it was a month later, the day of your birthday and you found it suspicious that your parents hadnt made a cake for you, "Mom we always do a little get together with the family. You have always made that a priority" you pointed out suspiciously taking in the way the corner of her lips pulled up in to a smile, "Well it's Saturday sweetheart I'm sure you would rather spend your birthday with your friends this year and not kick back at home all miserable with your parents. We can open your presents and eat cake tonight" she said and almost as if a bell went off, Fangs walked in to the house with your favorite flowers. Immediately a smile came to your lips as you took them, "Fangs this is so sweet" you said as your mom took the flowers to put them in a vase

"That isnt even the best part of the day." Fangs said with a cheeky grin, "Go get your jacket we are going on a ride, no questions it's a surprise" he said and kissed your forehead. Still in a state of confusion, you reluctantly went up to your room and grabbed your jacket before waving to your mom and going out to Fangs' motorcycle and putting on the helmet he had specifically for you. As Fangs walked out to the bike he pulled his helmet on, "one other thing; we are stopping before our final location for breakfast and then you have to spend the rest of the trip in a blinfold" .

The ride felt like it took forever, the two of you had sat down at a small cozy restaurant and had a nice breakfast and Fangs stayed true to the promise of handing over a blindfold once the bill was payed, "Fangs is this really necessary? How are you even getting the money to do this babe?" You asked him as he placed the blindfold over your eyes.

"I've been saving up but dont worry, you are going to love it" Fangs promised as he guided you to his bike. The aquarium was only 10 minutes away from the restaurant and by the time you got there he could feel the anxiety coming off of you as he guided you inside, motioning for the lady at the cash register to be quiet. Once she noticed the blindfold and excited but pleading expression of Fangs she nodded and motioned to the prices as he pulled out his wallet and handed the money over mouthing ,'Thank you' before guiding you to the main entrance and finally the first specimen of fish, "alright, here is the main surprise of the day babe." Fangs stated before allowing you to take off the blindfold, there was wonder and amazement in your eyes and that is all that he could have dreamt of and he quickly snapped a picture on his phone of your reaction, "are you alright Y/N? You seem speechless" he said in an amused voice

You finally managed to get the words out, "Fangs you crazy bastard, I cant believe you did this!"

"Well you said it was what you wanted and honestly I thought it would be fun for me too. So here we are on your special day" Fangs said and wrapped his arm around her looking at the school of fish swimming in front of them, "so where do you want to start? We have pretty much all day. I cleared it with your mom and dad. But we do have to get home tonight" he said with a chuckle.

Most of your day with each other had been spent staring in awe at the large and impressive fish which lurked beneath the waters and then came the shark exhibit. "Oh my gosh Fangs look at the size of that hammerhead! Its massive!" you exclaimed practically bouncing in excitement

Fangs couldnt help but to mirror that same attitude as he looked at it, he licked his lips with a soft chuckle as he looked at you taking pictures on your phone, "You do love sharks. I should have guessed you would be able to immediately name one and comment on the size"

"Well a hammerhead is easy to identify, I more think that its impressive they have a couple bull sharks mixed in there and I do think that I see a nursing shark there at the bottom but I can't really tell because its hidden" Y/N rambled on as Fangs came up behind you and draped his arms around her shoulder setting his chin on top of her head watching the creatures swim around, the two of you sat in a comfortable silence until you turned and wrapped your arms around his middle, "this day has been magical Fangs. Its everything I dreamed it would be, actually it's even better. Thank you so much for the best birthday present I have ever received in my life" you said before kissing him gently, that's when you felt his arms move to gently take your left hand in his, panic filled you as he started looking for something in his jacket which was replaced with relief when you saw a long box, "Fangs havent you done-" you started to protest when he pulled the bracelet out of the box

Fangs gently unclasped the bracelet and slid it around Y/N's wrist not saying a word as she tried to protest then he smiled looking at her. The bracelet had been a snake which coiled around her wrist perfectly, the body had been black with blue eyes, "I wanted to go all out, but I saw you staring at it in the store. I promise this is my last gift of the day." He promised. You looked at the bracelet with tears welling, you pulled him in to a kiss and pulled away, "Fangs Fogarty I am so lucky to have you in my life. You're the best boyfriend ever"

I hope you all enjoyed reading it, I look forward for your reactions and I'm sorry if it felt inconsistent I just needed to spread this sweetness to the world Cx

[bakedpieceofchicken]

5am long personal vent

dont interact with this

note: this post mentions endeavor a lot.

context (very important!): I pretty much binge-read an entire tumblr user’s meta posts and I found them interesting and very informative. 

I also read through their salt tag and now I’m compelled to gather my thoughts together considering the literal title I’ve held for months now is “Hawks is a lov member already”. I’m extremely socially awkward, even on this online platform, so I’m not going to mention the aforementioned tumblr user’s name because I’m too anxiety-ridden to try to contact them. This is in no way shape or form an attack on the person’s opinions nor their character. It’s me... rambling about my thoughts about their opinions at 4 am. 

Is it defending myself? Well, not really, because I don’t feel personally attacked. Just because we have a difference of opinion doesn’t mean we have to resort to attacking each other. I found their opinions thought-provoking and wanted to pick my own brain... I picked this time purposely so nobody would see this post :eyes: so like uhm yeah

note 2: “you” refers to unnamed tumblr user. sorry about weird point of view...

anyways let’s get into the meat 

villain hawks

yay or... nay...?

Well, in fanon it would be such a fun idea to play around with. Personally I think there’s potential for League of Villain interactions with Hawks. I would LOVE to see Hawks interacting with the other pro heroes, but the only pro-to-pro interaction we get with Hawks is between Hawks and Endeavor. Because the atmosphere between the pro-heroes feels... disconnected.

Now, hear me out.

Let’s contrast it with the idealized version of hero society provided in future fics. Or hell, comparing the top ten pro heroes to Class 1-A itself. We want to think all the heroes are friendly with each other and have some sort of camaraderie with each other

But Horikoshi doesn’t present it like that. 

The closest thing to that we get is Endeavor and Hawks. Other than that, the atmosphere between hawks and the other heroes seem more strained or tense (the whole miruko hawks thing is fanon). And even then, it’s... well... Endeavor and Hawks don’t truly know each other. Hawks only knows the public perception and image of Endeavor, which is the only thing he’s been given while Endeavor doesn’t truly knows Hawks either. I’m not saying the interactions are fake, but... would Hawks be acting the way he was if he knew about Endeavor’s past?

No. I don’t have any predictor to how differently Hawks would act, but I definitely sense there’d be a lot of disappointment and loss of respect for the man he was rooting for. To what extent? Would Hawks just be in complete disbelief? Or would he react with immediate anger? There are parallels to Hawks and Todoroki Rei--both were picked from the crowd and had their lives controlled because of their “value” determined by Endeavor/The Hero Commission respectively.

But honestly from an objective standpoint, I have nothing to go off of other than the fact that Hawks deeply respects and idolizes Endeavor the most out of anyone in the manga we’ve seen and the fallout of that would be of an equally shattering magnitude...

Ahh i went off on a tangent. the point is... do we really know Hawks? Does Hawks ever get a chance to just.. be himself? Maybe we see a bit of that shine when he’s alone with Endeavor, but as we saw clearly in chapter 186 he puts on a care-free facade for his fans. But in reality... he’s always working because he’s one of the hero commission’s greatest assets. 

and... here’s where our opinions clash. I truly, in the depths of my heart, believe that Hawks is building a reality where heroes have more free time comes from a more selfish desire for himself. Don’t get me wrong--I don’t want to disservice what Hawks has done for society. But also it feels like he’s the type who overworks himself because he feels moral obligation to society when... technically he doesn’t owe anything to society. 

Yes, in superhero shows and whatnot, it’s usually a positive trait that “hey this person’s been born with an amazing power and they’ve chosen to use it for the greater good! Look what they’re sacrificing!!!” But let’s say theoretically that person decides “hey i don’t want to be a hero i just want to be a writer!” Are they morally wrong for deciding not to be a hero even though they would theoretically be good at it? Even though it’s not something they want for themselves?

Because I don’t think Hawks wants to be a hero. But he also doesn’t want people to die. He’s tied himself with these moral obligations to the point where he can’t leave now because he feels it would be selfish of him to. And that is speculation, but Horikoshi isn’t exactly spelling it out for us! So, that’s how I interpret Hawks’ character. Yes, he is a true hero in that he wants to save as many people as he can, even at the cost of his pride his dignity his fucking freedom...

but also, he never wished for that. he never asked to be one who has to deal with all of this. But now that he is, what choice does he have? 

So, yes, we agree on that. But I also feel that his personal desire plays as big of a part. Because we, as humans, naturally want things for ourselves. Our personal desire for ourselves shouldn’t be downplayed at all! That’s why I believe his inner thoughts are worded “more free time” rather than “make society more safe”. Because he has his priorities! He wants the best of both worlds-- it’s a form of negotiation. He can still play the hero and less lives would be taken but he can also having some breathing room for himself like he’s always wanted.

To free himself just a little bit from the stressful life of being a hero. 

There is nothing wrong with being motivated by personal desires. Hawks is one of the most grounded heroes we’ve seen--I think he’s cynical enough that he’s self aware of this selfish desire for a freer life. And it’s selfish to him only because he knows that it would never happen without the expense of a few lives-- lives that he knew he would never forgive himself for letting slip.

I think it’s a toxic mindset.

Because as heroic as placing others above yourself... that attitude is completely unhealthy and I don’t think it should be celebrated. What I want to see from Hawks’ natural progression as a character is recognizing that it’s okay to prioritize yourself. Hell, Midoriya learned this during the summer training arc and failed to retain that lesson during the Overhaul arc! THESE HEROES DON’T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES!!! (ok i get midoriya’s trying). 

And if it’s selfish to desire more free time for yourself off from work, is it really that wrong of someone to do so? To want more control over your life? To want to do things you want to do rather than what others want you to do?

What does this have to do with villain Hawks? Well, I think a large desire for villain hawks is because it shows the departure of that mindset! Hawks doesn’t need to be confined to his hero persona anymore, he can finally do things he wants to do and be the free bird he’s always wanted to be.

But him becoming a complete villain is... far-fetched. This myself I recognize. I’ve only written villain!hawks once and that was because he snapped after the hero commission executed shigaraki and dabi as a show of power rather than going through the effort of trying to re-integrate the men back into hero society. I don’t want to go too deep because this isn’t the point I’m trying to make, but Hawks realizes how power-obsessed society is to the point where he doubts the legitimacy of the hero commission itself and what they do for society and its people.

But, again, that’s not going to ever happen in canon so I won’t bring it up another time. The point I was trying to make is yeah, you’re right that Hawks would never become a villain. He wouldn’t become a murderer- if he does, he definitely needs more incentive than what we can go off from canon.

And ohhh boy here we go, reaching the erm elephant in the room.

(These are the points made in the salt tag btw)

Is Villain!Hawks just an excuse to write hotwings? And what is the plausibility of Hawks turning to villainy? Would Endeavor being exposed as a child abuser be the trigger if Hawks were to turn villain at some point in the story?

Eh...

I don’t know if I even want to go into the whole “this is just an excuse to make hawks and dabi evil boyfriends” because I’ve never used villain!hawks as justification for that personally. And I’m actually not as attached to hotwings as I am to something like shigahawks... I don’t have any points to counteract this other than my desire to see Hawks interact with the entire league. Because it would be fun to see him interact in an environment he’s not wholly familiar with. With Endeavor or the other heroes or even the hero commission, he has some semblance of control or understanding so he thinks/acts like he knows what’s going on. 

Meanwhile, the League is a huge mess and they don’t have their shit together and wouldn’t it be funny to see Hawks as a part of their crew suffering with them!!! Well, that’s bias. My bias. For fanon. And for the jokes. So sad :(

So... I don’t just want to see more Dabi and Hawks interaction. I want to see more Hawks and League interaction. or just more hawks and anyone interactions overall. maybe thats all i crave

Actually going through the points one by one, let’s talk plausibility.

I already talked about villain!hawks being a... departure from Hawks’ faults in his own character. But it is pretty extreme, I’ll admit. If Hawks were ever to join the League of Villains, he’d probably never use killing as first resort. As we’ve seen in chapter 220, it’s not like the League targets only heroes... but i get the salt tag was made like 5 months ago so it’s not like new information hasn’t been released at the time of posting.

Reminds me of domestichobgoblins’ shigadabihawks fic where shigaraki even acknowledges “Whatever bullshit you’ve been telling Dabi, you aren’t a killer either, are you? So what, exactly, am I supposed to do with you?” And you know? The both are you are right. Hawks isn’t a killer and he wouldn’t become a killer willingly... unless he was pushed by some other greater force but I’m not here to address any of that. He could still provide support to the league in other ways, arguably, or just joining the league could be some kind of message to the heroes or supporters of hero society.

You are right to a degree. Hawks’ sole motivator to become a villain wouldn’t be because “OH ENDEAVOR IS AN ABUSER GUESS I GOTTA TURN EVIL NOW”.

Okay pushing past that, so why would Hawks be motivated to become a villain? In canon? I’ve already warped a lot of this post with my own fanon but I’m trying to keep within the realm of canon for this point specifically since you could take a second to push Hawks over the edge in fanon and be done with it. But why would Horikoshi specificially do it?

The fact is hero society sucks. A lot. And I think Hawks recognizes that fact being the most “grounded” and cynical of the bunch. His views and visions of hero society aren’t warped by fantasies and such (which is probably why he doesn’t like All Might...) so he understands what’s happening around him. He understands the mechanisms of hero society and how “valuable” quirks are viewed as in their capitalist society.

But also, he doesn’t  have that much of an option other than trying to lessen the burden placed upon him. Because he’s a single man, and even with his influence, he can’t change society. He’s powerless to do so, even considering who he is. He’s seen as a role model to those in society, but it’s because of his ranking that ironically fuels why people even look up to him: denouncing that would be kind of silly considering it’s the reason why people would listen in the first place.

And this is the point where I say... Shigaraki had a point. Hero society is flawed. It shouldn’t be so reliant on one person to carry it all.

But also hero society itself is bullshit. The ranking system? Horrible. The fact that the hero commission views them as tools for their own disposal? Horrible. The mere fact they basically bribe Hawks into becoming a hero? Like? “Hey kid you’re the best at being a hero so that’s what you should do. we’re only going to give you financial support if you become a hero so you might as well” like what is Hawks supposed to do in that sort of situation? Of course he’s going to succumb to the pressure.

I don’t believe in this whole “sacrifice for the greater good” bullshit. If Hawks wants to be a hero, that’s a whole another story, but if Hawks doesn’t, then he shouldn’t have been forced into that role. It’s about agency--it’s about letting him decide for himself if it’s what he wants to do. And it’s... a gray area for morality. “It’d be selfish for him to let people die!” Who is in the right to say whether or not he should use his “powers” for others’ sake? Me? You? The Hero commission?

So if Horikoshi goes down the path of “hey hero society is extremely bad and needs to change” and Hawks recognizes the League as a proponent for that change, then with a lot of development, it’s plausible in the future. I understand that Hawks, as of what we currently see, is too upheld by his own morals to ever even think about crossing that line, but people change. Hell, you recognized how the High End arc changed Endeavor and made miles of metas about it.

So, is it really far-fetched to say villain!Hawks is just a dream?

Maybe I’m a fool or an optimist, but I’d love to see Horikoshi take that path. Not because I’m horny for evil boyfriends, but it’d be a nice change of pace and we’d get to see a complete contrast of Hawks’ experiences. And it wouldn’t be easy-it’d had to be done right. Just like Endeavor’s redemption arc--if Horikoshi is still planning it. (Let’s be honest: High End Arc was not a formal redemption. I think it was Horikoshi letting the readers know “there might be something worth saving in Endeavor!” but i digress because i don’t care enough about endeavor (his character and redemption has 0 appeal to me and thats FINE. YOU DO YOU AND I DO ME, I only talk about him when it’s essential to talk about the influence he has on characters I DO care about).

As to why people like to characterize the moment Hawks decides to quit being a villain being attributed to Hawks learning Endeavor is an abuser...

The fallout, as mentioned earlier, could vary. A lot. Hawks really looked up to Endeavor when he was young. Again, shattering to find out something so nasty about the one you idolized.

To know that the one Hawks looked up used his wife just like how the hero commission used Hawks. Like an object or tool at their disposal. 

Would he be vengeful or spiteful towards Endeavor personally? To others, probably yes. To me? I’m kind of in the “eh” skeptical ballpark so I guess we somewhat agree on that. To me, Endeavor being exposed as an abuser would  crush that small slither of childish hope that hero society represents something bigger than themselves. Did Hawks ever get to have the childhood Deku had where he was still cheering on the heroes from behind the screen, or did it get crushed just as quickly when he realized how hero society truly works?

Because hero society isn’t bigger than themselves. It shouldn’t be idolized so heavily as it is presented in BNHA.

At least, not in its current state. And people who don’t fit in that group or agree with its ideals suffer the consequences. Like Shigaraki. Like Twice and Spinner. Like Gentle.

These are all villains that are products of society that promised to stamp out villains. And when Hawks realizes that it’s just a never ending cycle where the people left in between the cracks are the ones who perpetuate the system itself...

Like you said, Hawks sees the bigger picture. And his goal is to lessen the burden of the workload for heroes. There will never be a shortage of everyday criminals using their quirks for petty crimes but what about the bigger picture organizations? How are they going to be stopped? What about examining the root core of the problem and going from there? No more short-term solutions to problems... What can Hawks, mighty number two hero, do even at the expense of himself? Hmm... 

I don’t know, just some food for thought. Something I’ve seen done for villain!hawks is the hero commission throwing Hawks under the bus for some reason and Hawks either a) joins the league to gleam more information but finds himself willing to stay or b) has nowhere else to go and it’s more of a push for Hawks to orbit towards the League.

I am really thankful for your thoughts! Even though we don’t agree on things, I think discussion is still possible (whenever my anxiety stops bashing me in the head) and I’m always willing to accept I may be wrong about something. At this point in time (3/27/2019), we have less than 10 chapters released that centers around Hawks, but he’s certainly intrigued a lot of people considering he’s already #4 in popularity from so little chapters released! I think he and his introduction to BNHA represent the more cynical side of hero society that we haven’t been able to properly see from Deku’s perspective!

And I’m interested in what direction Horikoshi is going to take Hawks’ character in! The one thing I’m truly against is Hawks staying the “good little hero” in the end--whether he dies, becomes a villain, or hell even just stops being a hero is good enough for me. Free the bird or kill him off is what I’d want to see. That’d be enough of a character arc for me. Characters change, and it’d be silly to expect Hawks to stay the same especially since he has a lot of baggage on his shoulders and his current situation as a double agent for the League is precarious--despite him stating that he was willing to sacrifice his own reputation for the good of everyone, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t feel at least some degree of hurt over losing the respect of everyone and his colleagues. 

My thoughts are pretty clunky but maybe someone was able to gleam something from my stupid 5 am vent...

I love Dabihawks, even though I’m not as invested in it as say Shigahawks or ShigaDabiHawks (which I’m sure you’d definitely have objections to considering your other salt posts... but not something I want to address here), and I still think DabiHawks is a great ship more so because of the dynamic than the aesthetic. But hey, you ship what you ship, you are allowed to express your disdain for the ship--I’ve certainly expressed my own disdain for the your ship in the past--and your salt posts which probably took like 10 minutes to type out provoked me to type out my own thoughts which took like 2 hours to fully process. Like I said earlier: you do you, I do me.

And again-- I’m not trying to “defend” here nor am I trying to “attack”. I just had things I wanted to say and I hope I DON’T have the attitude of someone looking down on you, because I think you have very valid opinions and thoughts and sometimes discourse can just be healthy discussions about how we interpret different characters. We are literally squeezing everything we can out of one character we love and there’s enough room for different interpretations of the same character ^^ If anything, I actually look up to you, which is why I’m too much of a coward to send this to you because oh my god i am so embarrassed about a lot of the shit that comes out of my mouth and i constantly worry about if im saying wrong things even though im open to people telling me why  im wrong about said things. 

tdlr; villains hawks very good. has nothing to do with dabihawks. villain hawks very good on its own. I agree with tumblr user on a lot of things, yet we see differently on other things. The world keeps spinning--I think it’s more interesting to address differences in opinions rather than ignore them. 

(the person this post was meant for will probably never see this unless i send it to them to whcih im like oh my god what if they roast me to hell and back despite me claiming yes i amn ot trying to destroy them or their reputation i just want to talk about this because i had fun trying to think about why i love villain hawks so much aaaaa maybe i am just a delusional fangirl but im also a delusional fangirl who wrote multiple paragraphs about this so... /shrug)

end. again please dont interact. if you want to talk to me about it, inbox/dm me but i dont want this post to get notes. thank you. hides what have I done... 

this has been sorta meta but not really just chicken fucking around at 6 am and good night. maybe sometime in the next... month... ill have the courage to send this to the tumblr user. maybe when i have confidence... or maybe when i make mel look this over. that was a joke- she couldnt even finish my other meta piece which was shorter than this. :)

[darkly-dreaming-imagines]

The Forgotten Wife - Part 6

The Forgotten Wife Master List

A/N: Okay, I know… it’s been 87 years and I am sorry. For those who may not know I have been having some rather serious health issues since May, I have had 2 rather serious surgeries among other things. I am doing much better now and I am writing again. Yes I have written other things between my last update and now but this story takes a certain headspace that I have to be in to write it. To be quite honest I haven’t been able to get myself in that frame of mind to write this… but I am gonna give it a whirl. I apologize if this chapter is shorter or not of the same quality as previous ones but I hope that will change as I push forward on this story because I love this story very much and I appreciate all the lovely comments and each and every kudos on AO3 and like on Tumblr. I can’t express how much the comments and such really helped get me back motivated to work on this, so please if you enjoy this story and are inclined leave me a comment. I do my best to get back to each one, even if it’s just a thank you <3 

Part 6 on AO3

Tag list: @ask-kakashihatake , @aubageddon91 , @ collette04 , @toxic-ink , @alyisdead , @neganismyobsession , @haleyea , @mytreasures4eternity47 , @rasax45  , @make-things-beautiful2 , @magnoliagordo815 , @lilymdonaldson

When Simon had parted ways with you and Sherry she wasted little time getting into the thick of things. Her hand gripped your arm tightly, almost to the point that it hurt, as she pulled you away from the direction that you had honestly expected her to want to move towards. Deacon was already racing off, on a euphoric high thanks to the ice cream he was trying to eat like a savage little monster. His face coated in pale pink from the strawberries . You wanted to call after him but Sherry started rambling. “Things are starting to get really fucking complicated with the wives.” Her voice had this air of frantic fear as she spoke, her hand still gripping your arm tightly.

As you tried not to think too long or too hard on what that meant you glanced over your shoulder and watched nervously as Dwight and Simon started to have their weighted conversation. “Things are always fucking complicated with the wives Sherry… that’s what happens when you blackmail women into marrying you.” You snap as you manage to pray Sherry’s tight grip from your arm as your eyes search the area for Deacon. He is getting too close to fence. Your heart raced for a moment. “Deacon! Get away from that fence right now… come over here…” You command as you point to the spot between where you and Sherry were standing.

As Sherry was about to answer, Deacon started to reluctantly waddle back towards you taking just a brief pause to look at the boys. As if he was contemplating where would truly be his better option to go towards at this point. “Deacon!” Sherry shouted in a very mother’s tone, “Move it young man! You best start listing to your mama!” She scolded sternly as she clapped her hands to get Deacon’s attention. The little boy scurried over to you and a frantic pace, he nearly lost the mound of ice cream that was quickly melting all over the cone held between his tiny hands. Sherry turned back to you once Deacon was safely between the two of you before she finally was able to continue. “Amber and Frankie have it in their heads that the only way things are going to change is if Negan dies…” Sherry said in a hushed tone as she reached down and covered Deacon’s ears so he wouldn’t fully comprehend what was being said.

Your face is painted in a look of disbelief as you push he hands away from your son’s head and you tut softly. “Amber has been saying that since I was married to him… she never does anything about it.” Deacon peers around you as you and Sherry continue, eyeing Simon and Dwight across the yard. “and if you think they are actually serious why are telling me? Wouldn’t you tell the fucking big bad bossman?” You raise a questioning eyebrow as you reach blindly to your side and gentle urge Deacon to bring his attention back towards you and Sherry. “Dekes… you gotta stay here bubs.” You say to your son as your tussle his hair. He let out a little groan before taking a few steps away from you and plopping down on the ground to continue eating his quickly melting sweet treat.

Sherry’s eyes darted over to where the men were standing, very deep in what looked like a rather serious conversation. A nervous sigh escaped her lips as her arm draped over your shoulder pulling you into a side hug, not because she wanted to be affectionate but because she needed no one else to hear what she had to say. “Maybe they are right (y/n),” She said softly and almost instantly you started shaking your head. “Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it?”

You let out a frustrated huff and shrug Sherry’s arm off your shoulder as you take a step towards where Deacon was sitting finishing his ice cream. “Yeah, so… I didn’t do anything about it. It’s one thing to have a fantasy, to say something out of frustration and anger but it is another thing to actually go about planning a man’s murder. Not to mention the one they want to kill is my son’s father, who happens to actually be in his life these days. Do you realize that if anything happened to Negan, Deacon would be devastated.” You said emphatically as you looked at your dearest friend with a great deal of suspicion as you stood before her arms crossed in front of your chest. Standing between her and Deacon.

Sherry scoffed and let out a dark, soft chuckle. “You would be the one to know all about plotting and planning a murder… wouldn’t you.” There was a defensive attitude that Sherry took with you and she said that made your stomach twist and you almost felt sick hearing her take such a tone with you. Though you had in fact gone about, very methodically, a plan to discover who was the trigger man on your brother’s murder and then kill them it never got beyond the planning stages. You had never gone through with your intentions, in part because Sherry convinced you not to.

Something in her was changing, breaking and you could see it. “I didn’t actually do anything Sherry…” Your voice shook a little as the well of shame and guilt for you actions started to bubble up again. You glanced over at Deacon who was noticing the tense tones and heated langue. He scooted away and looked longingly over at Simon and Dwight, his little hazel eyes trying to search for a reason to go against his mother’s wishes and get away from the argument that was taking place.

Sherry paced back and forth, only taking a few steps each time before she would spin around on her heel, eyes glancing over each time at Dwight as your stood in an uncomfortable silence. You knew that she would have never thought of discussing such a thing before all this. Sherry was the calm one, the wise one, the one who talked everyone down from their stupid ideas. After another tense few minutes Sherry stopped pacing and stood facing away from you looking over at Simon and Dwight who were too deep in their own conversation to see the growing tension between you and her.

“I just don’t want this anymore (y/n)” She said mournfully and you couldn’t help but get a pang of sympathy in her chest as she spoke. “He isn’t like physically cruel. He doesn’t hit us or hurt any of us… we know the deal so nothing is forced. But the mind fuckery…” Sherry’s voice cracked as she choked back tears. “It’s the head games. The holding our families over our head… our husbands… the people we actually love.” You took a few steps away from Deacon, taking your attention full away from him as you closed the gap between Sherry and wrapped your arms around her.

As you took a deep breath you reached up and brushed the tears away from her cheeks. “It sucks right?” you said in a very dead pan voice with a half hearted smirk. Sherry let out a slightly uncomfortable laugh of her own as she tossed her head back for a moment before nodded.

“So much!” She exclaimed and you both laughed in your shared misery. You never wanted Sherry to experience the side of Negan that most of the wives knew all too well. While your particular brand of head games ala Negan was not cruel in the same way that Sherry, Amber and on some level Frankie, were experiencing. It was uniquely soul destroying. You saw a rare side of Negan, an almost tender side when he would imagine that you were Lucille. He really loved that women you thought bitterly for a moment before turning your attention back to Sherry.

As your hands slipped away from her face you took a hold of her hands and gazed deeply into her eyes. “Listen, everything works out in the end. That’s what you told me for all those years.” Sherry scoffed softly and shook her head.

“It worked out so well for you.” Her voice was thick with your usual sarcasm. It was an odd feeling for you to be on the receiving end of the sarcastic comments for a change. You chuckle and shook your head. As you were doing so, you caught a glimpse of Deacon wondering off back towards the fence where the dead were chained.

You hardly brought him in the part of the compound because unlike many children, Deacon had no fear of the dead. He found them amusing and even comical. Your heart began to race as you watched him inch closer and closer to the fence with each step. Dropping Sherry’s hands as you spun around on your heal and raced after the toddler who was boldly walking right up to one of the walkers chained to the fence. “Deacon!” you bellow as you raced towards the fence.

Sherry let out a shrill shriek as she too noticed Deacon nearing the walkers. “Bubba!” She called trying to get his attention but Deacon was too enthralled with the snarls of the walker.

As you closed the gap between you and your son, your hand out stretched, reaching desperately towards Deacon. As your fingers wrapped his arm as you scooped him up and pressed him close to your chest. “What have I said? What have I said?” You repeat softly as you kiss the top of his head. Sherry raced up behind you and let out a long sigh of relief as she saw that Deacon was safe.

Having seen the commotion, Dwight and Simon came rushing over. “Is he okay?” managed to ask first even through Simon was about to ask the same thing. Sherry smiled softly nodding towards them as you were still checking over every inch of exposed skin to make sure he was unharmed.

“You are in big trouble Deacon..” You scold softly as you smooth down his dark locks. Deacon pouted, not fully understanding why he was in trouble or the depth of danger that the dead posed. “You are never to go near those things…”

“Grrrr” Deacon mimicked the sound of dead as he pointed towards them. “Funny mama…” He tried to explain. You took a long steady breath trying to calm the urge to yell at your son. He was little and you had kept him so sheltered it was no wonder he found the dead so entertaining.

Before you could even mange to gather your thoughts Simon walked over and leaned in to do his best to explain the situation. “No, buddy..” Simon started as he placed a hand on his little shoulder and pointed towards the fence. “They are bad, mean… they will hurt you and while I know you are a big, tough guy… you still have a lot of growing up to do before you can learn how to be able to be around those things and be safe.” Deacon’s dark eyes focused intently on Simon as he spoke. You were grateful for him stepping in. There was nothing that you could have come up with so quickly that would have gotten through to Deacon as much as what Simon has said.

Deacon lifted his chubby, little hand and pointed towards the fence trying to understand. “Bad?” he asked first looking to you, then over to Sherry who was standing just behind you. His eyes darted over to Dwight who nodded and finally he looked at Simon. “Grrr bad?” He asked again.

“Yes baby…” You answer quickly before the other began to echo the same thing. Deacon seemed to grasp the concept though you wondered how much he really understood. You glanced over your shoulder for a moment and caught a glimpse of a brief look between your old friends and there was a twinge of pain deep within your chest. Everything about this world is backwards and wrong. Your mind reminds you before you glance back over at Simon who was also eyeing Dwight and Sherry. “I should get him to Negan…” You mentioned softly to Simon as you shifted Deacon in your arms.

“I’ll come with.” Simon suggests but you shake your head quickly knowing all too well the otherwise uneventful exchange would only be made far tenser by Simon’s presence. The one thing you realized that as long as Negan didn’t have to see you with Simon, things between them were relatively calm and almost pleasant.

“You know it’s better if it’s just me, I won’t be long…” You attempt to reassure Simon as you lean in and give him a brief kiss and a soft smile before turn back to Sherry who was talking very softly with Dwight. You give them both a little wave and Sherry blows Deacon a kiss before promising to check on him and daddy a little later. It did make you feel far better about leaving Deacon overnight with Negan knowing that Sherry was likely going to be there for most of it. There is a small upside. You muse silently as you walk with Deacon in your arms back into the building.

Once you reached the all too familiar site of Negan’s door you set Deacon down before you reached out and gave a soft knock on the door. A few moments pass before the door creaks open and Negan greets Deacon with a warm smile. “There’s my guy..” He exclaimed as he leaned down and scooped Deacon up.

“Daddy…” Deacon chirped happily as he wrapped his arms around his father’s neck. “Daddy! Grrrr is bad… mama got mad.” The little boy tried explain to his father rather enthusiastically but Negan only gave you a very worried and confused looked.

“Mama, care to translate what our son is trying to say?” Negan asked as he raised a questioning eyebrow as he stepped aside and ushered you into his room.

Reluctantly you obliged him and let out a long, heavy sigh as you started to explain. “I had Deacon outside, he was playing after having a little treat… and he thought that the biters were funny…” You stepped inside, your eyes focused intently on Negan’s face as he looked down at your son with a stern, disapproving look.

“Is that so?” Negan asked the toddler and Deacon looked away from his father obviously pretending that he didn’t hear the question.

“Deacon, your daddy asked you a question.” You remind the young child gently before Deacon looked back at his father and nodded his head. Negan let out a long sigh as he shifted Deacon in his arms.

There was part of you that was very worried that he would take a stern route, or a scare tactic but when he spoke, he shocked you in the best possible way. “First things first young man, you always have to listen to your mama, I know she probably told you to stay close and you didn’t listen. You can’t just go wandering off, there are monsters and bad people out and you have a lot of people to keep them away but you have to stay with the grownups. Those biters are very dangerous, you can’t go anywhere near them… understand me.” Deacon nodded quickly. Negan looked over at you for a brief moment before he returned his focus back to Deacon. “Mama loves you, I love you… we don’t want anything to happen to you.” He gave Deacon a quick kiss on the cheek before setting him down and patting him on the bum. “Go play buddy.”

“Okay Daddy…” Deacon said with a quick nod as he tootled over to his toys letting you and Negan have brief moment.

Negan crossed his arms in front of his chest as he let out a long drawn out sigh. “So is that where Sherry went? With you…” You nod not really wanting to speak to him more than you had to and Negan chuckled softly as his hand reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. “He so gets the ‘nod of I don’t want to speak to you’ from you.”

“Well, would you like me to list some of the lovely traits our son shares with you?” you retorted with a smirk playing on your lips. You were trying to get a little playful rise out of Negan and it worked like a charm.

He smirked and gestured towards his face. “He got my devilish good looks, my charismatic charm… I mean… all the best parts.” He was teasing you, playing into the opening you left him and you smiled softly trying to stifle a laugh. “What, (y/n), tell me I am wrong.”

With that statement you let out an audible chuckle as you tilted you head back. “Oh you are very wrong.” You laugh as you look back Negan as you smirk. “He has your temper, your flare for the dramatic… has your ability to drive me up a wall with worry…” With your last statement Negan’s expression shifted and softened. He was rather taken a back that you admitted that you worried about him.

His lips parted for a moment as he attempted to find words. “You.. worry… about me?” Negan asked in a low voice.

Your cheeks flush and you give him another little nod which coaxes a soft chuckle from Negan. “I always worried when you went out, even through everything I did care about you for some God forsaken reason.” You pause for a moment and shift your weight on your heals as you decide whether or not you wanted to continue with your confession. You took a long deep breath as you cast your eyes to the floor. “I still worry about you Negan. The more time Deacon spends with you, the bigger part of his life you become the more I worry what will happen to him if something happens to you.” You lifted your gaze just in time to see Negan’s face shift to a grim expression.

He glanced over at Deacon playing happily and let out a sigh before turning back to you with a forced, all be it charming, smile playing on his lips. “Nothing will happen to me darling.” You tried not to smile when he called you ‘darling’ but there was something about the way the word rolled off his lips that took you back to a time when he had a hold over you. “I waited a hell of long time. Go through the end of the fucking world to have that boy… I want to see him grow up.” His words were so sincere that it touched you in a way you didn’t think that Negan could touch you anymore. It stirred something long forgotten with in you.

“I want that too…” You mumble trying hard not to show the old feelings that were bubbling just below the surface, but Negan was nothing if not an observant man. Though he didn’t respond with words, a slightly victorious smirk played on his lips as he gazed at you. His gaze made your cheeks flush slightly, which made his smirk only grow more.

The flush of your cheeks finally pushed him to make note of it. “Ya know, if I didn’t know better I would almost think that you like me…” Negan teased and your cheeks only flushed more as you shook your head. He took a step forward, closing the gap between the two of you as he leaned in asked in a low voice. “Do you still like me?” He asked sheepishly.

You shook your head unable to utter the words because it would have been a lie. Swallowing hard as you look up at Negan and whisper, “I’m with Simon.” Which caused Negan to stifle a laugh.

“I have no fucking clue why.” Negan retorted quickly and sharply. “I am not saying you have to be with me, but you deserve someone far better than that ticking time bomb.” There was a tone of genuine concern in his voice as he spoke. Before there was always something vicious and inflammatory about how he would bring up Simon with you, but this time it was gentler.

You wanted to push back and defend Simon because he was so much more than Negan was giving him credit for but you didn’t want to have a fight when things were going so well. “I am well aware of his history, as I was of yours…” you finally decide to say knowing that it was good way to say your peace with out pushing any buttons.

Negan smirked as he loomed over you. “He is good to the squirt.” You nod and chuckles again. “I am just going to say… you are more than welcome to come back to Daddy,” Negan said with a devious smirk. ”when you get tired of him… because it’s only a matter of time before he fucks up and so help me if he gets our son or you caught up in his inevitable bull shit. I am gonna kill him.” You scoff slightly and roll your eyes as Negan’s hand reaches out and grips your hip pulling you closer to him.  “Why are you with him? Honest answer, darling.”

It was more that you didn’t want to insight him that you actually answered truthfully when everything in you was telling you to lie through your teeth. “He only wants me… if you would have only wanted me… maybe I would have come back and given you a second chance for Deacon’s sake.” You had more honest conversations with Negan during these exchanges over the last week than you had in time you were one of his wives. Negan took a step back and crossed his arms in front of his chest as he processed what you had said. “I cared about you a lot once upon a time, Negan. But I don’t want to be one of many. I want to be someone’s one and only. I want to be cherished and Simon for all his faults ticks all those boxes… and he is good with Deacon.”

 Negan let out a long sigh as he scratched the several days of scruff on his chin. “I am helping those women… I take care of them.”

“You fuck them and pay them with chocolate, booze, and some faint vail of safety. Not a one of them would have actually wanted to be with you if they weren’t desperate.” You snap quickly when he started trying to defend his stable of wives. “I was the closest thing to someone who wanted to be with you because they liked you…” With the old feelings you had for him bubbling to surface the reminders of how deeply he had wounded you stung deeper.

Negan reached out and touched your arm as he spoke. “(y/n), I wish I had gotten over my issues then… maybe I would have shown you what kind of husband I could have been.” You let out a long and heavy sigh as you pushed his hand off your arm.

“Just worry about being a good father.” You gesture towards the door and give a quick, awkward smile. “I should get going, I told Simon I wouldn’t be long…” Negan gave a short nod and you shook your head as you started to walk out of the room and head back out to track down Simon and Dwight.

Once you were out of the room Negan turn to Deacon and smiled at his son who was beaming up at him. “I think Daddy may have more of a foot in the door than we thought my boy… “ He mused victoriously as he flopped down on the couch next to Deacon as he played with his toys at his father’s feet. “We are going to be family, you… me and Mama… one way or another.”