#i just have not been feeling myself
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#my mind as of this last year#for real#i just have not been feeling myself#pencil drawing#weird surreal shit in my mind#it’s not fanart so I dont expect much from it but this is what my brain does between works. it blarbs
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you're in the habit of denying yourself things.
if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.
but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?
what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.
and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.
you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.
so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.
it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.
sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.
oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.
#warm up#this isn't good#writeblr#this is complicated by the fact i can't stand up too long or i fuckken pass out and <3 hit my damn head <3#but i did take a deep breath and buy myself the stupid rice cooker#and!!! a very cheap sushi kit!!! i have been wanting to try making sushi for literally YEARS#the kit was only like 15 dollars!!!! and i haven't purchased it bc?!!??!?!?!?!!?#..... i didn't get the mixer tho that felt. like a lot. like too much.#on my list is a kitchenaid. one day when i get a check and i have paid off my student debt#and medical debt#i will put that first little bit of cash#into a kitchenaid 5qt stand mixer (with attachments)#i really do just go into their refurbished section and stare lustily at each option#but yeah i feel guilty about the rice cooker even tho i know for a fact this damn thing is gonna be a lifesaver#oh shit also fuck i forgot to mention . poached eggs
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Pangur is THRILLED that I have mono! her favourite thing in the world is napping with me
#pangur#now that I have a diagnosis I feel a lot better about how tired I am#I've been forcing myself to stay awake with espressos trying to stay productive#but now I'm like nah........let's just sleep.#(THOUGH I DO STILL NEED TO HAVE SOME PRODUCTIVITY IN ORDER TO PAY OFF ALL OF BELPHIE'S MEDICAL BILLS)#(AHHHHHHHHHH!)
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9 / 266
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#itadori yuuji#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk 266#fanart#jjk fanart#itafushi#jujutsu kaisen fanart#used th itfs tag bc its implied and this is an itfs piece i said so#i dont think ive seen this parallel made yet??? but its ok if it has#i just had the idea hit at gross o clock last night when i ws alr exhausted n had 2 force myself to sleep instead of drawing it#i just . clutches chest . YUUJI#th char development the emotional maturity..#the willingness to put aside his gojo voice personal feelings in favour of giving megumi agency over his own life#rather than burden him with expectations the way every1 has done fr both of them over the course of the series...#tears in my eyes thats my mc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway art notes i think lower one is some of the best yuuji hair ive drawn 2 date#it's kind of similar to one of my 265 redraws but i think i struck a better balance in how thoroughly i rendered it here#proud of my me but also SO grateful tht yuuji has not been fighting me lately#so much yuuji content these past chapters i cant imagine th frustration having to Also fight him in order 2 create content fr them#anyway itafushi kaisen is real and canon and alive and yuuji singlehandedly discovered th cure 2 my mental illness w this line
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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Flower Empowered.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#lan wangji#wei wuxian#lan wunian#The absolute chaos that ensued when Lan Wangji showed up...those girls went wild.#We have to give kudos to narration that takes the form of a bunch of suitor seeking ladies.#They were so loud about being here for the hotties and whispering gossip. You go girls.#Wei Wuxian most likely just picked up a already tossed flower to throw. Second hand flowers...are still flowers I suppose.#Can you imagine if LWJ had allergies? Poor lad.#Okay it's time for the real gritty discussion point. The one everyone is waiting for me to talk about:#So...from where we are in the timeline...what the hell is WWX supposed to be wearing?#I'm serious. Put all the fanart out of your brain for a moment.#We are post burial grounds and sunshot campaign so he's had his little goth moment reveal.#*BUT* he is still with the Jiang sect. And by proxy of this flashback talking about his disrespect - they never bring up his attire.#meaning he is likely in some kind of Jiang Purple.#Continuity wise it really feels like this scene should have been *before* the burial mounds.#I understand why it's post - we need to build up on the mystery of how he became the YLLZ.#But also his personality feels way more 'pre-burial mounds WWX'. I think this was probably a 'I don't want to kill my darling' scene.#(The Phoenix mountain flashback is a lot of people's 'darling'. I am knowingly putting myself in the line of fire here).#I'm willingly putting him in Wen Qing's borrowed cloak and assuming people take him wearing it as like...a war trophy.#Historians will revise this moment later on but for now he *is* a hero of that war.
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there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
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i'm in one of those phases where i really wish i believed in manifesting and spellcasting and things like that bc you know when you want something so bad you're literally praying for the universe to let it happen
#ramble#this is not me judging by the way i think it's cool as fuck i just don't do it personally#context: a lot of my 'dream jobs' are now just 'ways to make money that i might not absolutely hate'#but i have one (1) legit dream job and it's literally FINGERTIPS away from me right now#i feel like most people who know me can guess what it is and know how badly i want it#i'm not even letting myself daydream about it or talk about it too much because i'm so afraid of not getting it and being disappointed#and also i don't want to like. jinx it#i've tried so many times before but this is the closest i've ever been and i feel SICK i want to bite something
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assorted wips again
1. anchan space buns!!
2. emo arisato twins + ryomina and akiham
3. mzen x p3
4. suzalulu sketch dump
5. suzalulu + souyo (eng voice actor joke)
#cat’s art#prsk#an shiraishi#vbs#project sekai#persona 3#ryomina#akiham#kotone shiomi#makoto yuki#akihiko sanada#ryoji mochizuki#code geass#lelouch lamperouge#lelouch vi britannia#suzaku kururugi#suzalulu#souyo#persona 4#hmm i might delete some tags later. too many#apologies i have been on a big code geass kick. i love lelouch#but since there’s like 3 people left that like code geass i feel kinda shy#i kinda wanna just dump any of my future code geass stuff in a separate sideblog tbh#but then idk if it matters that much? is this my everything art blog or most things art blog#anyways. it’s not art block these days just mental ones :/ trying to get over the less-than-kind things i’ve been telling myself#whatever. please enjoy the sketches until i have better to offer
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How did y’all choose your names? Was it just trial and error?
#maybe I can ignore it and just keep my given name#but something eats at me#I HAVE to change my name and idk why#Opal feels disconnected from me in a weird way even though it’s been my name for 22 years#like the name is MINE but it’s not MY name if that makes sense#idk man I’m figuring all this stuff out by myself#in between doing adult shit#I wish I transitioned as a teen when experimenting was more acceptable
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KAEYA BIRTHDAY ??? ?? i love you mr alberich sir i love you oh so so so much.
uh dialogue for this one but more legible under the cut (and a messy ragbros page)
Klee: Kaeya! Come down here! Kaeya: Oh? heh. What is it, Spark Knight?
Klee: Happy Birthday! It is today? Right? I even double-checked with Albedo and everything but I don't know... Klee: It's a Calla Lily! You like those, right? Kaeya: I certainly do! Thank y- Klee: Oh. Klee: OK OK OK- Kaeya: Hm? Klee: Kaeya you have to promise to not tell Master Jean about this one! Kaeya: You can count on me to keep my lips sealed.
Klee: OK! Close your eyes- eye- and hold out your hands! Kaeya: Mhm! Klee: OK! You can open them! TA-DA~!
Klee: I made a bomb for you! It even has an eyepatch! He can look after you when I'm somewhere else. Take good care of him! Oh yeah- He explodes if you- Kaeya?
Kaeya: Thank you Klee! Thank you very much! Klee: You're VERY welcome Kaeya!
a lil ragbros too.... kaeya and his red siblings amirite (bursts into tears).. also i am so obsessed with chibi diluc saying "bring em in..."
#I LOVE YOU KAEYA#these were all drawn in the past two daysashhsdgg#i was originally planning on starting like at least a week in advance bc i wanted to do one big ambitious piece but that didnt end up happe#ing... instead he gets a little comic a bigger comic and a page and my undivided attention#genshin impact#kaeya alberich#kaeya#genshin impact kaeya#genshin kaeya#im putting em all in here f u#klee#diluc ragnvindr#ragbros#none of that kaeluc shit here alright thank you or go fuck off ok epic#my art#sona#these r all improvised. i went about the klee comic in the stupidest way possible bc apperantly i love making things hard for myself..#not like it was my fault- it was just supposed to be a concept for a finished piece and not turn into a little comic but i have no self con#rol clearly so now its here and i am jsut kinda sleepy sry#kaeya has been my genshin blorbo for over three years ok i needed to express a little of my feelings about him somehow#OK YAY ITS OFFICIALLY THE 30TH IN MY TIMEZONE SO I CAN POST THIS OK OK YEAH#HAPPY BDAY KAEYA AAAAAAAAAAAAA 😭💖💖💖#this entire post is just me sobbing over how much i adore him#is this the longest wall of notes from me yet.. idk but it might be#ok anyways i love kaeya a lot send me anything kaeya and i will love you forever and ever and i should really go to sleep now i think#... .kaeya 🥰🥰🥰
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Five billion octopath 2 scribbles i feel sick
#i know what you are wouldve made more sense w temenos i just really wNted to draw castti <\3 west continent crew my beloved#this isnt chronological at all. besides the first ones thats the first octopath i ever drew#like seconds after i finished castti and hikaris first chapter.#infected my brain so quickly i feel like a new person#i could write an essay on my octopath thoughts and rambling omfg.play octopath#art tag#octopath traveler 2#oh my god theyre all here ok#castti florenz#hikari ku#agnea bristarni#partitio yellowil#throné anguis#osvald v. vanstein#temenos mistral#ochette#dolcinaea luciel#veronica octopath#she didnt get a last name.SAD#i have more of these by the way.so many#ORIS HERE I GORGOT#ori octopath#i love ori. if i had to sacrifice myself but remembered how nice paritio was last minute i would also change my mind#oh ym god elenas here too#elena vanstien#shout out to you know how getting added to cotc im so happy.im scared if i say his name thisll show up in his tag and he isnt even here#he looks beautiful. and alive. awesome#the cotc artstyle is soooo pretty i saw castti and felt emotional#anyway. ot2. this is where ive been the past few months.#oh castti can inquire people. i know what you are does make sense for her heh
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one can see one’s self with the world!
fan art @peaceandlove26
everything could be different
#i know i said christmas but inspiration struck and i just had to draw her as its been far too long since the last time#its always a great feeling when someone draws something for you and i always have this instinct of...well now its my turn#it makes me want to draw - its so much more fun than drawing for myself#thank you againnnnnnn fay :3
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Firefox-official vs electronicmail
Hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby
okay come up with a better idea then. firefox-official is gone asshole it’s electronicmail or nothing
#this one was hard to respond to because it elicited the usual anon rage in me#but i had to think about it anyway.#this blog has been around for less than a month and it is driving me fucking crazy#don’t you think i know?#dont you think it hurts enough already#i dont want this blog either i want my old blog back with all my stuff on it#i would like to stick around#because i loved posting#and i get that you’re just having fun#but i’m making an example of you#less than a month vs five years#‘household name’ firefox official#spent five years building that thing#and now it’s just this.#i keep forgetting#and then i’m here again#not home#i know you all feel bad enough for me already#but it’s so hard to be myself because the environment on here is SO different#we were HAPPY#WE WERE SO HAPPY#Umm… Or whatever.#guess i could go back to firefox unofficial#but that feels far too close to the sun. and i’m done with the wings i think.#i dont mean to be so serious#a total mood killer i know#i just dont know how to proceed exactly#because when i post like normal i cant help but feel sad#and when i post about being sad its just sort of obnoxious#i’m not really asking for pity i just want to explain where i am at
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painting test with a limited color palette
here's the sun equivalent!
#my art#daycare attendant#dca fandom#moondrop#this one's moon. no ambiguity here i prommy ♡#i've been getting into a new thing recently... it doesnt feel like a hyperfixation just yet but im wondering if i should try and fully#switch gears and try to make myself super obsessed with it.. or if i should stick with my current interest#alas... idk! lol#i do have a habit of making a fandom centric side account and then abandoning it once the interest fades#so... just a warning... hehehehehehe
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I love you messy artstyle i love you visible brush strokes I love you textures and rough edges I love you imperfections I love you roughness and colour blobs I love you scratchy sketches and bold stylisation and dirt and imperfections I love you ugly and raw emotion!!!!! ❤️
#i talk sometimes#art talk#i made a tweet like this on twatter ages ago but i've been feeling this a lot lately#also this is the start of me writing more on this blog and not only using it as art because who cares!! i don't!!#I wanna translate raw emotion into colors and shapes. I wanna know where to ignore all details and where to go ham you feel me?#i used to dream about developing a style like for MtG where it looked like a masterful oil painting that oozes realism and details#and i've realised the last two years or so that I would actually hate that for me. I know I wouldn't enjoy doing it. For myself.#it's that pipeline from wanting to be the perfect realistic wotc artist to accepting that I will never be that#instead i wanna learn how to stylise better and get a good brush economy going yknow. I wanna be bolder.#i doubt i'll ever be as incredible as all these MtG artists no matter what anyone says. but it's ok!! i don't have to be!!!#i just luv art man!!
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