#i just have no where else to vent about irl people and i know a lot of you would understand this feeling

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

My hot take is that some of you who live vicariously through fictional familial relationships yearn for "a healthy loving family" the same way a lonely person yearns for the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend/partner who will sweep them off their feet and dote on them and love them always and only focus on them and take care of them and protect them and provide for them and give them a fairytale wedding

And it shows

[crowsdove]

.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for faking my death to get out of an abusive relationship?

Tw for verbal + mental/psychological abuse and suicide

I used to be in a discord server with some friends, there were about 40 people in it, only around 20 who were actually active. It was a while ago I can't remember. I was in that server for about 4 months.

From the start, people would occasionally get mad at me over something I didn't do. About every month or so someone would start a rumor about me and make the whole server gang up on me, I'd tell them it was false, but everyone would still avoid me for the next couple days.

I never did anything wrong, but I was always the center of the drama, and when I asked one person, R, why, he said he didn't know and that I didn't deserve so much hate.

About a week later R was talking in the vent channel about how I had manipulated him. I DMed him to ask why, and he told me it was because I asked him if he was my friend. I thought it was fucking stupid because it's not manipulative to be paranoid, but I pretended to be sorry because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

The server also had a bot where you could submit anonymous messages, and lots of people would use that feature to make up things about me to ruin my reputation.

After a while I left the server and only stayed in contact with a few people. However, every couple days another person would tell me I'm a monster and gaslight me into thinking I'm a terrible person, and every time I asked why they hated me they didn't give me an answer.

My only real friend, T, showed me some messages from the others after I left the server, and a bunch of people were making up stories about bad things I had done to them, and people who I had never even spoken to were saying that I had abused them and was dangerous.

Once someone told me thay they understood all the things R had said about me weren't true, but said it was still my fault anyway, and even told me that R had done nothing wrong (he lied about me in front of the entire server and is the reason I lost all my friends, and he yelled at me and called me evil because I was suicidal), and then they accused me of faking having amnesia because I had flashbacks.

Eventually, only four of my "friends" hadn't blocked me, and they almost never talked to me. Everyone kept calling me a terrible person because R spread lies about me and everyone else believed him instead of me.

It was to the point where I couldn't go one day without someone sending me death threats or trying to guilt trip me with false information, and I was getting very sever flashbacks of the stuff R had said to me, and I started failing classes because I couldn't focus on anything.

Eventually I had had enough, so I tagged them all in a tumblr post about how I was going to kill myself and then logged out of both that tumblr account and my old discord account forever.

(Also about a month after I had left, I got texts from irl friends, and it turns out someone on the server found the contact info of people I knew in real life just to ask if I was dead or not. And that scared the shit out of me.)

I've left out a lot of details of the abuse because of amnesia. I have a mental disorder which makes it hard to remember things, plus the brain often blocks out traumatic memories, so I'm sorry if some info feels missing.

The only reason I feel like I might be an asshole is because once I was gone, all of them switched targets and started to harass T. They said they hated him for being on my side, and sent him death threats on anon because he was mad at them for killing his friend. They started treating him the same way they treated me, and called him a horrible person but refused to give a reason as to why, and if I had stayed around they would've left him alone.

@should-be-dead (made a sideblog so I get notified when this is posted)

[lemurzsquad]

Hand Sanitizer

Pairing: Sakusa x gn!reader (platonic or romantic, up to interpretation)

Summary: You and Sakusa hate each other with a passion, and it's almost always a disagreement over hand sanitizer. So when you leave to wash your hands and don't come back, Sakusa learns why exactly you avoid using it so adamantly.

A/N: Okay so this fic. Hooooo boy. This fic. I've been wanting to write it for a while and finally have. It started as a "Reasons why I'm pretty sure Sakusa would hate me irl" and turned into this.

So I have a skin condition known as aquagenic wrinkling of the palms (or AWP), which affects my hands when they come in contact with water, which is what this fic is about. I never hear about this condition anywhere, and it's very lonely sometimes, and there's no real treatment for it (from what I've seen). So this is essentially a vent where I take my skin condition seriously for once instead of just making water allergy jokes to cope lol

(More info about AWP here)

Word count: 3898

cw: skin condition (non-graphic descriptions and discussion) (AWP - please read above), hurt/comfort, angst, crying, enemies to friends...?, emotionally constipated apologies from Sakusa, hand sanitizer is evil /j, vent, not proofread because I just wanted to get this done and posted to do literally anything else, (please lmk if I should tag anything else)

(Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, and everything written here is purely from my own experiences and observations. If you would like to learn more, please do your own research; this is not designed to be informative. It's purely for myself and for awareness.)

You and Sakusa had never gotten along.

You were certain you knew when it started, having been completely oblivious of one another up until that point.

It was when you were both first years in high school, and there happened to be a lizard in the classroom. You, upon seeing it, immediately proceeded to pick it up and ask the teacher to let you put it outside, to which they agreed.

You came back to the classroom, dusting off your hands, when a curly-haired boy took it upon himself to comment, “Go use some hand sanitizer, would you?”

You squinted at him, partly confused as to why he was talking to you and how you had never noticed he sat there before. “No thanks,” you answered, “I'd rather just wash my hands.”

“I don't think just washing your hands would be enough,” he rebutted with a sharp look behind his bangs. “You probably don't even know how to properly wash your hands.”

“Well, too bad! I'm not using hand sanitizer!” You were starting to get annoyed, crossing your arms.

Somehow, that seemed to make him even more disgusted, possibly at the thought that you were spreading whatever it was on your hands onto your clothes now, too.

The two of you threw jabs back and forth until the teacher separated you, which you were both happy to oblige. The animosity between you never seemed to quite dissipate even as the year went on and you became second years. You almost felt bad for the misunderstanding, knowing it was entirely your own fault, but how were you supposed to explain to this random kid that you couldn't use hand sanitizer even if you wanted to? At least, in your head you couldn't.

At some point, you and Sakusa became something of enemies within your class—renowned ones, at that. People would often ask the both of you why you hated each other so much, but your answers were vague at best.

“He's just so pretentious,” you said once.

“They're just so obstinate,” he said once.

And thus, an impasse stretched between you. You hadn't even learned his name until months after your first encounter, too bitter to really care.

Despite the efforts you both went through to avoid being within the presence of the other, you somehow still ended up nearby. Maybe it was your teachers attempting to make you get along—maybe it was the universe laughing in your face.

Throughout that entire time, you still faithfully avoided hand sanitizer like the plague. The one time the nearest bathroom was out of order for a little while and you couldn't wash your hands, you used as little of the accursed substance as you could. Whatever microscopically thin layer that coated your hands there was, you shook it off almost violently, simultaneously disgusted by the feeling of something on your skin and afraid of what it might do.

The disapproving look Sakusa gave you when he saw that was palpable.

At some point, you hated each other mostly out of principle. You'd both kept it up this long—it would be weird to suddenly just let it go since your flimsy justifications seemed enough until now. To admit that you were being unreasonable would be worse than getting along, you separately reasoned.

So when you were paired up for a project, you couldn't help but grimace. Sakusa was the first to go up to the teacher about it.

“I can't work with them,” you heard him say. For once, you agreed with him.

The teacher, however, dismissed his concerns with a wave, saying, “In life, you don't get to pick who you work with. Sometimes you'll have to try to put aside your differences to get your work done.”

It sounded stupid to you, like some half-hearted excuse so they wouldn't have to rearrange seating or partners. But it's not like you had any place to argue, so you resigned to just sucking it up.

Instead of working together, you both divvied up tasks as quickly as possible and did what you assigned yourselves—separately.

All was going well; you ignored each other and worked on the project silently. Despite other groups discussing their plans and the room being filled with chatter, your share corner was dead silent save the sound of pen on paper.

Which didn't last long when suddenly the tip of your pen snapped off. The now open ink tube spilled onto your hands, and when you tried to minimize the damage, it only got worse. By the time you dropped the pen onto your open notebook, raising your hands in surrender, they were absolutely coated in black splotches. A sense of defeat washed over you as you watched your words get covered and your paper stained in ebony.

Taking a moment to glance at your already ruined hands, you just resigned to picking up the pen and throwing it out. It was your favorite pen, which was unfortunate. It couldn't be helped, you told yourself.

Sakusa had noticed you flailing about your desk, silently judging you for the clumsy mess you made when you should have just thrown out the pen the second it broke to avoid the noir crime scene that now covered you and your area. He scowled knowing you would now have to redo whatever you had written for the project.

It was nearing the end of school, the class you were currently in being the final one of the day. You approached the teacher's table and asked if you could go wash your hands. They checked the clock to see about twenty minutes left before replying, “Make it quick.”

You walked past Sakusa's desk on your way to the door. He made the snide remark, “You could get the ink off really well with hand sanitizer.”

It took everything in you not to snap back at him, but you just hurried past, careful not to touch anything on the way out.

Sakusa knew he would never understand you. From the moment you met, you stubbornly refused what seemed to be basic courses of action. Touch something dirty? Use hand sanitizer. Eating? Wash your hands before and after to keep from touching anything.

The couple of times he had seen you wash your hands, it was very brief, and you seemed to avoid using the air dryer, opting for paper towels that were arguably undoing whatever progress you made in washing your hands.

At the same time, you avoided any task that would require you to touch dust or water. You always asked to sweep or clean windows, so much so that everyone just ended up giving you those tasks to get you to stop asking. If you did get something on your hands, you immediately wiped or shook it off, seemingly disgusted. You would even briefly run it under water just to dry it on your clothes so they weren't wet. It seemed there were things worse than water if you were willing to rinse them off.

But it was still that one avoidance that came between you: the hand sanitizer. It was practically the same as water, and it dried quickly. Even if it was comparable to washing your hands, it was still much more convenient in most scenarios. Yet you continued to adamantly refuse to ever use it. At some point you declared, “I would rather die,” when he had tried to squeeze some on your hand, earning him his wrist grabbed and pushed away. 

He just didn't understand.

So when he found you sobbing in front of the stairs, opening your hands and clenching them closed into loose fists repeatedly, he was beyond confused.

You hadn't come back to class after leaving to wash the remnants of your broken pen, so the teacher decided it was your project partner, Sakusa, who should find you and return the belongings you left behind. He went over to your open notebook that remained just where you left it and noted the handful of words that were still visible. 

Sakusa folded the cover over, enclosing the now dried puddle of ink. The remainder of your things he scooped into his arms, leaving the room once the halls had cleared a significant amount. As much as he wanted to just leave your things and go to volleyball practice, he figured it would end poorly.

Plus, what could possibly have kept you out of class for so long that you would have left everything behind? There was no way it had taken that long to get most of the ink off of your skin, so either you had just skipped the last bit of school or something happened. Since you hadn't taken your wallet with you with your IDs (he checked your bag when he put the notebook back inside, sure that it was completely dry), he reasoned it was probably the latter.

“Tsk.” They would have been able to get it off with hand sanitizer, he thought, brows furrowed. This is such a waste of time.

Sakusa wandered through the halls when he didn't find you by the bathrooms. He was starting to think it was a lost cause trying to return your bag; he even had to text his cousin to tell him why he would be late. It wasn't until he got to a particularly empty hallway did he hear something.

Quietly, in a dark alcove with a set of stairs leading up, a figure was huddled against a wall. Their tears were soft but anguished, stifled because it was in the environment of school. Sakusa had tried to ignore them until he realized it was you.

You held your palms up just past your knees that were pressed against your chest. You opened and closed your hands, a fresh cascade of tears painting your cheeks as you choked back a sob. You pressed—with more pressure than could have been painful—your thumb into the center of your other palm, nails digging into the back of your hand. You set your closed eyes on your knees with the hope that it might stop the water that leaked from them.

Sakusa, with great caution, approached your hunched figure. He didn't want to, he really didn't. You were the person he probably hated the most at his school, but somehow he knew he'd seem like an awful person if he didn't at least give your belongings to you directly—he wouldn't give you the satisfaction of another thing to hold over his head.

And yet those thoughts went to the back of his mind when he crouched down in front of you. His mask and curly hair obscured his focused expression as he tried to study your current state. The moment you seemed to hear him there, you held your breath and repressed your already quiet cries.

When Sakusa got close, you buried yourself further in to hide your face behind your knees and clenched your hands even more.

He frowned and something in his chest tightened. His brows furrowed deeper over his eyes and he huffed. He saw your nails digging into the skin on the backs of your hands.

“That's going to leave a mark if you keep doing that.” It came out more biting than he had meant it, but he was being serious.

It was then that you could no longer hold back your sobs, almost choking on your own tears. The grip you had of your hands softened and unlinked; instead, you lightly shook them apart from each other. Sakusa had to take a moment to process, but it almost seemed like there was something wrong with them. 

He just wanted to get you to stop crying so he could give you your bag. As much as he hated the gesture, he asked, “What's wrong with your hands?”

You curled your lips in to bite down on them, fighting back hiccups. With your eyes tightly screwed shut, you upturned your palms.

The sight alone made Sakusa's eyebrows fly up in shock. 

He didn't mean to, but he grabbed your wrist to get a better look. Ignoring the ink stains that faintly persisted, there were pale, patchy splotches in the center of your palm and on the side edges of your fingers; there were even some tiny pale rings on the periphery of the bigger splotches. But underneath that, the skin seemed as if it had soaked in water for hours or maybe even days. Not only were there dozens of deep crevice lines trailing from the tips of all of your fingers to their bases but the lines on your palms were more prominent, surrounded by profound, dense wrinkles that spanned the entire surface.

His eyes darted around your hand for a few moments just trying to comprehend what he was looking at. It looked unnatural—it looked painful. And when he met your gaze, he saw unidentifiable emotions flash across it. Was it shame? Regret? He couldn't be sure aside from the blood that seemed to drain from your face.

You tried to pull your hand away, but Sakusa wouldn't let go. His eyes never left yours, searching for some kind of answer. When he couldn't find it there, he asked, “What happened?” It was soft, calm, and even, enough to make you tear up a little again.

The second time you tugged, he released your wrist. You pushed your thumb into your palm again, looking away. Hiding your hands away in the space between your stomach and where your legs were still tucked against your torso, you sniffled a few times and tried to even out your breathing.

“I-It's normal… it just h-happens when I-I touch water…” You stuttered and mumbled between hiccups.

“That is not normal,” Sakusa said a little too quickly and curtly, realizing it probably would have made it seem like he was berating you.

With another sniffle, you said, “It's a– it's a skin condition.” You started to scratch your palms partly out of stress and partly out of the persistent stinging. “It reacts to water i-if I touch it for too long.”

His eyebrows knitted in concern. “Was that from washing your hands then?”

You gave a small nod, still avoiding his gaze. “I couldn't get the ink off and ended up w-washing them for too long…”

“You could have just used hand sanitizer,” he said genuinely. For the moment, he almost forgot he was supposed to hate you, more focused on being worried than anything.

Your answer was your head shaking rather fervently. “No, I can't.” You lowered to set your forehead against your knees again. “Well, actually, I don't know. I-It just scares me and I don't want to r-risk any more pain than I already have. I haven't h-had good experiences with it…”

“What did hand sanitizer ever do to you?” It came out snarkier than Sakusa had meant. He slowly lowered himself to sit with his legs crossed in front of you, your bag still next to him.

You let out a heavy breath. “I was a dumb kid in elementary,” you started. “I had an obsession with scented hand sanitizer for probably a few months. I used it multiple times a day, and even though I don't know for sure if it's related, my hands got worse after that year I think. Only after that did I finally go to the doctor to get it diagnosed after my mom did a ton of research. I agreed to avoid hand sanitizer from then on. I just don't want to risk being in more pain…”

You both went silent.

“Oh…” It was all that left Sakusa's lips. A sudden wave of guilt crashed into him. All of the times he had berated you for not using hand sanitizer and all of his snide, rude, annoyed remarks resurfaced in his conscience. He felt terrible. He felt bad. Someone was hurting and all he did was throw lighter fluid on their problems—for months—and it seemed there was finally a spark to set it all ablaze. The thought that he started it all made it worse.

“Stop with whatever weird look you have on your face.” You squinted at him and his downturned, scrunched face. You'd calmed down enough to be making quips, it would appear. “It's not like I can do anything about it.” You shrugged, half-hearted.

He searched your face again for any sign of emotion aside from blank resignation, but he couldn't find anything. “Is there no treatment?”

You shrunk down further into your huddle, not vocally answering, but the answer was still clear.

Something about the whole situation made his heart hurt; it made him upset, he realized. “So what, you just have to avoid water?”

The nod of your head to the side looked pathetic as you avoided his eyes. After several seconds of silence, you said, “I used to love swimming. It's not like I can't, it's just… it hurts and it makes me feel gross. I don't even like the beach anymore because if I go in the water and get my hands wet, there's no real place to dry them off.” You laughed humorlessly. “It's stupid. You'd think I would get more used to it and get over it as I got older, but it just made me more upset. Why me? Why did I have to get stuck with a condition that's rare and isn't really bad enough for people to care enough to find a treatment? At least, it feels that way…

“I know it's awful, but I sometimes wonder, ‘Why didn't I get stuck with something worse? Then I might have a way to treat it. Then people might care.’”

You glanced up to judge Sakusa's reaction, instantly regretting spilling your feelings and questioning why you did. Tears threatened to flood over again and spill from your eyes. You felt helpless; not only from your condition but also from being stared down by the person you were certain despised you more than anyone. You were giving him more ammo to be disgusted and to detest you, too.

But you couldn't find his face. His ebony bangs hung down like a curtain and his mask further obscured your view, his downturned line of sight completely blocked out.

When the silence was beginning to crawl around on your skin and became almost deafening, you took in a sharp breath and held it for a moment before breathing out a tiny apology. “Sorry… you don't wanna hear about this…”

“No.”

“...No? No… what?”

“No…” 

Sakusa was struggling to get out the right words. How does he say sorry to you in a way that you might actually believe? How does he tell you that you're allowed to be upset, that you can talk about it? How does he make you understand that it's okay?

And how is he supposed to get you to believe it when it's coming from him?

His voice sounded almost angry but not at you—it was for you. “You can be upset,” he said between gritted teeth, hands clenched into tight fists. “No one deserves to have to live everyday avoiding something so common just to not be in pain. And no one deserves to have some jerk constantly making light of it even if they don't know.”

The way your eyes widened and water dripped down your cheeks in sudden streams said it all. “Oh…” was all you could muster before you completely broke down. No one you had ever told about your condition had seemed to fully grasp how much you were hurting inside, how every day was a struggle to avoid reminding yourself of how awful your hands were, how even looking at your own hands sometimes made you ashamed and loathing of yourself. It was a constant reminder that there would always be something wrong with you; you would always be broken, and there was no way to fix it.

Sakusa let you cry with the renewed emotional rush. He remained firmly planted where he sat, not moving an inch. He was not going anywhere.

And he didn't, even as your sobbing slowed to quiet sniffles and wiping mostly dried tears. It took a while before you finally muttered, “Thank you… No one's ever said that to me before…”

“Well, they should.” His words were curt but lacked any sharpness to them.

When you looked up to meet his eyes, he turned them away from you. Hesitantly, he uttered, “Look, I can't promise you that we'll get along, but I can assure you I'll try not to bother you anymore. No more stupid hand sanitizer comments anymore, either.” It was the only peace offering he could make for a chance to pave a path towards making amends.

You let out a breath through your nose that was close to a laugh before hiccuping, “Next thing you know, you'll be telling me we'll work on our group project together.”

“Don't push it,” he answered, quickly and humorlessly. It only made you laugh, although he couldn't comprehend why.

“It's getting late,” Sakusa tried to divert. “You should head home.”

You reached for your phone, and the little numbers on the screen confirmed his statement. Suddenly, a flash of panic crossed your face. “I don't have my bag,” you state frantically, “or any of my stuff.”

It was then that Sakusa held up the original object of his search for you, gently lowering it to the ground. “The teacher told me to bring it to you since you never came back.”

Relief washed over you in a calming rush, and you finally seemed to relax. You pulled your knees away from your chest and sat with your legs crossed. Confirming that everything was in your bag, an immensely relieved sigh left your lips in a gust.

“Thank you.” Your gaze was earnest, trying to convey just how much you meant your words to make sure it sunk in.

Sakusa just grumbled, “Whatever.” He was back to his usual self despite how he stumbled embarrassingly when he got up and realized his legs had gone numb. He reluctantly offered up his hand to help you stand, but you only looked at it for a moment, mouth pressed into a line, before you got to your feet on your own.

He pretended he hadn't tried to assist you, instead pivoting on his heels and shoving his hands in his pockets with a slouched posture. Without another word exchanged, you both headed towards the school's entrance.

The air fell into a comfortable quiet until then. When you did reach the entrance, however, you both stopped in your tracks. You turned to Sakusa, giving him a soft smile and a small wave, and headed down the street. Only when you turned the corner, out of sight, did he head back towards the volleyball gym. He was so horribly beyond late that it was almost laughable.

But he didn't care, knowing it meant someone was there in that very moment for you when you needed it most. So what if he also started to mend whatever nonexistent relationship was there in the process? What mattered was that someone told you that it was okay.

And Sakusa was okay with that. Being late to practice wasn't nearly as pressing as his long overdue apologies. What could be more important than that?

Do not copy and/or repost!! Any likes or reblogs are appreciated, though! (c) 2024 LemurzSquad

[neo-kid-funk]

Nice to see you again neo!!! How u feeling? Just use this post to drop whatever you want cus we care :] keep up the drawings!! But also take ur time lol

Take a seat and grab some popcorn cuz I'm about to start venting,,, so like to be fr I'm honestly very anxious and on edge,,, like 2 weeks ago I got into a "fight" w my best friend and now we not friends no more,, the fight was over something kinda dumb and before anyone says maybe I should talk to her and try and work things out. Imma just say it outright, I will not. There's a lot more to this story and stuff but I think our friendship was definitely hurting me mentally in a lot of little ways that I kinda over looked until now. And i think rekindling our friendship would do more harm than good in the long run. I still have to work with her and see her everyday so it's awkward as hell and honestly really uncomfortable, makes me hate going to work now tbh. It kinda sucks too because a lot of my social life irl revolved around her. Like we spent so much time together I really didn't hang out with anyone else. I have a lot of other friends but they're all either online or live far away, either in my hometown or where I used to live before I moved to where I am now. So now in terms of irl friends that I can see on a regular basis,,, I got nobody,, my family lives like 7 hrs away so I'm kinda just completely alone in my city.. and it's kinda getting to me ya know.. like I'm trying to go out and do more social community stuff to meet people but well its only been 2 weeks so haven't really made much progress,, and idk I still feel kinda sad about losing a friend but I know this separation is only for the best,, sighhhh

Anyways sorry to subject you to all my lame sadness I just need to vent a little just to feel a tiny bit better. Thanks for asking me how I'm doing tho, I'm glad I got this ask because it shows you care, so thank you 💖

[silenzahra]

First of all, thanks a lot to @megamagimugi @itsavee4117 @bberetd @keakruiser @pepperycar

@coffeecat1983 @peaches2217 @stripetkattelalala54 @multicolour-ink @vulpixfairy1985

@purely-interests-here-not-much for your comments on my latest post. I truly appreciate your support as I really needed it. Hope it's okay that I vent under the cut so you're all free to continue reading or skip this post, but I hope you all understand I'm not in the mood whatsoever to be around right now. I know you've tagged me in some stuff and I appreciate it, but I just can't enjoy it right now. It has all to do with my emotional state and nothing with the content itself. Hope that is clear.

Also, thank you to those of you who reblogged my musicians post after I fixed it. I really appreciate it. I'll make sure to give you all proper answers... I just don't know when yet.

Before I go on, let me advice you: if you're in a good mood today, maybe you shouldn't read this if you don't want it to be ruined. It's totally up to you. Just know that I'd never judge anyone for putting their mental health first.

Yesterday was the most awful day of my life. I came to the realization that the people I thought cared for me the most, the people who were supossed to always be there through thick and thin... don't actually care about me. They always put others first, no matter what my necessities and emotions are: they're always there for other people but they're never there for me. Even when it's obvious that I need them, they just don't see it and continue to help everybody else but me.

And I feel lonely. I've never had trouble with being alone as my hobbies usually require that I'm on my own to properly enjoy them, but that's one thing... and loneliness is something very different. I'm never alone, but I'm lonely. And their attitude also makes me feel so unimportant... Makes me wonder why on earth I'm here. Why my family had me if they weren't gonna care about me. Especially my emotions... No one in my family has ever made me feel like they're a safe space for me to open up. Never. So they don't even know what I'm feeling because, whenever I try to tell them something, they change the subject or simply don't pay attention. My voice doesn't matter. I literally have no one to turn to IRL. Heck, they don't even make me feel loved anymore. They make me feel like a burden they have to deal with, and I can't even move to live on my own for financial reasons.

In all honesty, I never thought I'd find myself in such a situation. I don't even know how to act anymore. I have to continue living with my family, seeing them every day, and I just don't know how to look them in the face. The feelings swirling in my chest... they hurt, and I feel that I need to let them out, but I literally have no one IRL. My friends, they all live in different cities, and have their own lives and problems, so they can't always be there for me, and I'm okay with that because I'm also busy. I'd like to get back to therapy, but it's expensive as hell where I live, and I have just started working for the first time after a few months, so I don't have the means for that.

In all honesty, this morning I took the day off from work and went for a walk with my dog. This may sound weird, especially to people who don't have any animals, but I'm not exaggerating when I say my dog Baloo was the only one (in my immediate surroundings I mean) who noticed yesterday that I wasn't feeling good. He has a great emotional intelligence and was there for me when I needed him, and I'm glad I could walk with him this morning because it really did wonders to us both.

Still, shortly after I got home... everything went bad again. I'd dare to say even worse than yesterday. And I'm so tired and drained.

I don't even know why I'm in this world anymore. It's just suffering and suffering, one bad thing after another, and I sincerely can take it no longer. I've had enough. I don't even find joy in the SMB franchise anymore... Yes, it's that bad. I've hit rock bottom and all that's left for me is drowning.

Thank you if you've read everything and sorry if I bored you or made you feel bad. I just hope you understand that I don't feel like being around whatsoever. I love you and your content, but I can't enjoy it right now, so I'd rather not see it until I'm fine... if I ever get to be fine again. This is the worst bad streak I've experienced in a very long time and I sincerely cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Heck, I can't even feel excited about seeing my favorite band live again next week... Can't even look forward to that right now.

Of course, you're all free to continue to tag me in stuff if you'd like, but I hope you know I'm not gonna see it now. As I said, I can't enjoy anything in general. I've lost the spark of joy and I don't know how to get it back.

Sorry to sound so depressed, but it's just how I'm feeling right now.

Of course, all of this applies to the people around me in real life. I'm grateful I met each and every one of you, and I'm lucky and blessed that you offered me your support and you're there to listen. I love you all very much.

[pinkpinkmermayyy]

when I wanna become a singer but everything is so complicated and I feel like I’m leagues behind everyone else because they had classes and their family let them live without the aching burden of being financially successful so now you feel like you have to be incredibly successful in your singing career and leave passion as a second worry so you don’t disappoint your mom family. and that maybe I’ll never be successful and then I’d have to retreat to a life that lets me live at a stable income but I’ll be miserable forever because it lost my dream and I’m not a star

is this why I related to pearl so much? She murdered people and sometimes fed them to her crocodile yes but I swear I want to be a star. I don’t want her fate. I don’t want to fade into obscurity. I want to leave this place behind for the miles and miles ahead with no worries. I wanna be as bright as the sun but I don’t wanna get burnt, like Icarus with his feather wings. I wanna be the star glowing in the sky, not the unfortunate soul who flew to close to it and fell. Please God make me a star, so I won’t live my biggest nightmare in the future. Please don’t let me fail. (I’m fourteen years old btw)

if I told my irl friends this they’d just reassure me on a surface level and then go back to looking on their phones playing their stupid games or focus on friends they actually like. I don’t know why but something about me that I can’t find under the overflowing sand filling the impending doom hourglass of myself just drives them away. I can’t be serious about anything or vent about anything to them or I’ll just be weird, I just have to be silly and make jokes because no one wants to actually care about one another beyond being a “girl’s girl.” I wish I could have someone that could truly care about what I’m going through and what I have to say without dismissing me and tell me that everything’s going to be okay, that they’ll hold my hand to make sure I don’t crash and burn. I don’t even think anyone online would get it either. I’m trapped in a curse no one will understand all alone, and I feel like everything’s my fault.

Why did I ever wish as a young girl to be older? Not like preventing myself from doing so would stop the sands of time from flowing into the bottom of the hourglass, but I felt as if I just sped up the process by wishing on a star for the worst nightmare of my high school self.

I don’t want to go to college where I’ll be miserable and stressed and panicked over everything. I don’t want to have to feel like I need to be completely independent so I can thrive in this hellish society. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair that I don’t get the opportunity to be the girl I want to be. it’s not FAIR GOD DAMN IT

[cyb3r-s1lly]

I need to get this off my chest omg sorry I chose you to vent to.. feel free to delete this ask or not reply at all but I'm in a tough spot in my life when it comes to shipping stuff..

like I've spent years online virtue signaling about how I hate proship stuff when deep down I knew I liked it LOL so now I've surrounded myself with people I can't relax in front of..

Its such a strain to be somebody I know I'm not. I've thought about remaking and not following back any of my mutuals and just start over but I'd miss them.. This also applies to my irl friends unfortunately.

I'm not even that freaky I just 😭 I miss 2012 when so many people openly shipped incest and no one gave single a fuck!!!

I 100% understand this feeling. It's taken me a long time to actually feel comfortable with where I stand after years of pretending to be an anti so that I could feel more safe. I actually used to actively follow proship callout blogs a few years ago, something I regret deeply as it just pushed me further down that rabbit hole. This account is actually my first ever dip into the proship community. I've been on here for a bit now and no one knows but my boyfriend who is also proship, and no one else will find out because I know it wouldn't go well. You know what though, that's completely fine. You don't have to start over, it is very possible to be in this community on the down low if you are careful to remain as anonymous as is safe for you. Now that I'm in here I've met so many like minded people and made separate connections while still keeping the friendships I have with people who might not understand. It's all up to you, but I'm sure you would be accepted with open arms.

Also dw my asks are always open to anyone, same with my messages. Feel free to come back any time!

[chaifootsteps]

(long ask, sorry - there was a lot of unpack)

I read the fix-it fic (it's very cute and wholesome!) and looked at the comments expecting to see a few flames or people disagreeing with the premise, but it's an out and out dogpile in there.

it's so ugly to treat someone just writing a vent fic like that, & they must have been actively looking for people daring to criticize Viv given that there's nothing in the tags to suggest it

also like, one of the flamers being like 'how can you say Viv and Raph didn't handle the topic of SA well but still say people are entitled to like the episode or find it cathartic? if people like it and you recognize that, that proves Viv and Raph handled the topic well!'

which is like, no. that's not remotely what they were saying or how it works. they're just giving grace to people who got something out of it, but they still think the depiction and handling of the topic as a whole was bad themselves. being compassionate for someone else's take on media & their feelings doesn't objectively prove that take is correct, they're just making space for other opinions in a way a lot of these 'it was handled well, end of discussion' type people aren't

it's such an all or nothing, combative way of thinking about art, that if you dislike it you must also call everyone who likes it stupid or something otherwise it means you secretly recognize it's good or some nonsense like that. that and it's just populism - if some people like it that means it's objectively good. which is funny because usually we treat something everyone likes as just 'having mass appeal' not 'high art'.

but I guess when people get terminally online they assume the vote of the majority is correct - it reminds me of this one debate about something pewdiepie did (I think it was an edgy joke or something, I'm not interested in relitigating it, it's just an example) where one of his supporters claimed 'we've [already framing a constructed audience] already decided he's innocent because the amount of support/likes he got on a response to [insert controversy here]'. it's literally the logic/rhetoric of 'if the mob decides something is good, it's good' which is horrifying logic and has been used to justify any number of irl awful things. but I digress

you could just as easily argue it the other way - if someone likes the scene but makes space for criticism of it, does that automatically make the criticism right?

also like - there's so much evidence in those comments that people do not understand what SA is. like so many people have this conception that SA is the same as rape - like, unless there was penetration of some kind no assault happened. but like if you actually look at the legal definition of SA, multiple places define it as

1 did person A touch person B? 2 did person B not want to be touch and person A should have reasonably understood that? 3 then it was sexual assault

dragging someone into a room while they yell and plead and say no is sexual assault, even if they got away before they were penetrated. being set upon and kissed and groped by a crowd of people is sexual assault, even if they also were not penetrated (and given Blitzo's dialogue there it's doubtful)

Sir Pent was SA'd, Moxxie was SA'd

anyone who has been held down or groped against their will but was rescued or escaped was sexually assaulted. sexually assault can include rape, but it doesn't always

we desperately need better literacy around this, it's legit disturbing to see how many people will pull the 'well technically the show doesn't mock SA because [insert logic solely reliant on the idea that Sir Pent and Moxxie were not SA'd]'. & it's such a revealing line of debate because they know they can't argue whether or not the show is making light of sensitive topics (it absolutely is) so instead they do the internet thing of making the next argument - they claim no, this wasn't SA and demand people debate them on those terms instead. it's falling into their trap because the issue behind that is the one they don't want to talk about - that Viv does not know how to handle this topic with the slightest bit of sensitivity

(tangent but back when HB aired I didn't judge Stolas as harshly for the full moon deal mostly for the tone the show had set up, if that makes sense? I thought the show wanted us to understand that Stolas and most of the cast were all terrible people and that was the entire 'joke' of the show. that Stolas definitely did a bad thing but the show was more interested in dark humor and the audience just kind of had to meet it where it was at. when they started moving towards there being dramatic consequences in Ozzie's I still though the show understood Stolas was a bad person, only now they were actually paying off a dramatic plot point they'd set up so he would actually have to grow and change. Then season 2 happened and the show is insisting he never did anything wrong, he's perfect, etc. and everything that happened in season 1 looks way worse by comparison. it was already bad, but I thought the writers understood that. they don't. instead they've engaged in the most laughable, embarassingly written domestic violence storyline I think I've ever seen in any media, ever, just to get him off the hook for anything he's done. do I respect the opinions of people who find him standing up to Stella cathartic? yes. does that automatically mean those people are right and it's good writing, actually? no. hard no. a million times no. survivors of dv, especially male ones, are often starved of media representation. I want them to feel seen. it doesn't stop me thinking they deserve far better than being represented by a terribly written character like Stolas, who himself is accidentally the show's best representation of a convincing abuser, but that's a rant for another time)

also also, it's kind of annoying that A03 allows guests to post under any handle instead of assigning a random one, because now if anyone points to AyyLmao that it's unhinged behavior to try to police fics people post on the Organization for Transformative Works (the clue's in the name what fanfiction is for!) he can just claim someone tried to frame him, even if there's plenty of reason to suspect he would totally do that (some of the more hateful bigoted flames strike me as exactly that - going as far as possible with it to be able to turn around and say 'look how hard the Viv haters want to frame me! look how cartoonishly bigoted they make me out to be!'

this is so deeply bizarre to me. I've been in fandoms where the media in question is less than perfect and fix-its exist for entire arcs of shows and everyone else is happy to be like 'I see why you had a problem with this even if I think it was OK or not a big deal', or 'I don't see the problem at all but I'm just going to let you vibe like an adult would do'. and the same with character shilling fics, I'm old enough to know that the best solution for fanfic or transformative works you don't agree with is to just click off. but some HH/HB fans are actively out to create a high control group where any criticism must be policed. if I ever get annoyed enough by HH/HB to make my own vent fic, I'm posting it under anon and with comments moderated. I'm not interested in providing an open forum for people to send me hate for a show that is far from worth defending (and even if it was, who cares? they ought to be able to get on with their day if their fave show is so obviously above criticism)

last point, sorry for the rant - it's kind of laughable to me that the author in the comments provided a long, objective list of what Viv and Raph have been doing that anyone can check and all of which happened publically, because they did it publically, and I don't recall seeing many comments in that thread attempting to respond to any of it; it just got ignored. it's pretty funny they simultaneously want to act like Viv is the victim of unfair hate campaigns when she's actively cultivated a fandom that attracts people like them, who bully people to the point they fear making even the mildest critiques. like you want to act like Viv is some bullied saintlike professional, but can you imagine the showrunner of any much bigger TV show encouraging the worst elements of their fandom to the point that said worst elements think harassing an SA survivor in the comments section of a fanfiction where they process their feelings about how lousy the show is in handling SA, and trying to claim said showrunner is still a professional?

to repurpose a point Viv herself made, a professional would know that any show with more than a cult following will attract criticism. a professional would not encourage people like AyyLmao and Norry, they would shut that shit down and know to leave the writers of a fanfic a couple hundred people at most will see that's dealing with a topic sensitive to them, in peace

No apologies needed, it was an excellent ask!

It's absolutely insane that any of this happened. In all my years of moving through some pretty aggressive fandoms and seeing (and writing) some pretty contentious fics for them, never have I seen anyone dogpiled like this just for writing a small, intensely personal fix-it fic. It's just beyond disgusting.

[queerb]

Yes this is a political vent

I unfollowed one of my favorite artists over this election and I'm still pissed off about it. I try to leave room for differing opinions irl and in my online life because 1. echo chambers are no good and 2. it's important to be able to defend your opinions and understand why you don't agree with someone else's.

I GET why people in leftist spaces don't wanna vote for Harris. I don't agree with it at all, but I get where they're coming from. What I don't understand is how you can continually push bad faith arguments and completely shut down points about harm reduction and how voting could prevent a literal fascist dictatorship by sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting "YOU'RE WRONG AND IMMORAL" over everybody else. Contrary to what you're saying, there IS a worse option.

I avoided unfollowing for so long because I loved the art and the story that went with it, and they'd been having an extremely rough time mentally. But their posts just got angrier and angrier and eventually they posted something along the lines of "I see my follower count go down every time I remind you all that I'm mentally ill" so you know what? Yeah. I'm unfollowing. Whether that means I'm curating my online experience or just being an ableist dick, I guess. I don't care. Free Palestine and vote Harris so that there's actually a chance that could happen some day.

[ko-existing]

https://www.tumblr.com/ko-existing/766155101534568448/httpswwwtumblrcomko-existing7661336934483722?source=share

Thank you so much for answering!!! I’ll try to do some meditations to calm my mind. And don’t worry, I know you’re not saying as a requirement or method hehe 😅

You’re absolutely right about the part of thinking too much, it’s something I do often and usually a cycle I have a hard time escaping, but it’s ok, hopefully it will change.

I’d also like to mention that my biggest difficulty is actually separate myself from the thoughts/mind. So hard to realize that my true self is not my mind or feelings. Anyways, not more venting hehe thanks again, Ko. You’re a very patient and kind person 🙏🏻 I don’t know if people thank you enough for all the knowledge you put out as well as your effort to try to explain the unexplainable in many different ways.

I actually forget to say thank you myself sometimes irl, esp. because I don't talk much in the first place so I never expect to get a thank you for anything 🤣

And when I mentioned meditation isn’t a requirement, I was mainly repeating it for anyone else reading along—didn’t mean it specifically for you哈哈

As for the whole “separating from thoughts” thing, it’s actually simpler than it seems: whatever issue or difficulty we think we have with this, it’s still not really what we have in Reality. It might feel that way, sure, but don’t get too tangled up labeling it as one thing or another. Just take it easy, like “ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ” .

Instead of having the goal to calm your mind, just decide to watch it and see what naturally happens. You'll find it interesting to just observe where your thoughts come from, who they appear to, and where they disappear to

[void-time]

tw/ vent but also informative(?) mention of cannibalism, eating disorder, violence (?)

I'm mostly dropping this off just to get some emotions out of the way. the only reason it's tagged as Zeno is because of the correlations.

Although my life and irl!Tsuginos has been a lot a lot calmer, with practically no onsets in sight, only passing thoughts that could be correlated to zeno but are most likely just intrusive thoughts.

We've recently made the mistake of trusting the wrong person with any and all information we've gathered up.

To make things simpler to understand, during the summer (while some things w our delusion were still very much ongoing) we'd decided to explain that we had 'zeno' (we explained the entirety of psychosis as well of course)

the only reason we went out of our way to say this to anyone, was as a way to prevent risks that could occur, because they have happened and we physically couldn't stand the idea of it happening again, especially someone we felt we were close with.

Only for later on to have some stupid drama where the second party didn't want to listen to the first and in turn starting a chain of events that could have easily been prevented.

To make it simple, the second party went on to tell a whole network of people that we were "faking cannibalism"

(which in itself is incredibly funny, because how exactly does one "fake" cannibalism.)

But nonetheless, with more people than I can stomach knowing this, it shocks me more or less how absolutely blind they had to be.

We have literal essays written on how it works, a whole document talking about how everything progressed, literal proof of scaring on multiple parts of my body, bites and scratches everywhere. And with all this proof in front of you, you deem it "not real"?

And yet you tell everyone that it's fake?

you deem the fact that I had practically starved myself, at the beginning of this delusion, due to the fact that I cannibalized someone INSIDE THE DAMNED GAME, having my weight literally drop so low that I now have to go to a doctor and can't live day to day life normally because I can barely lift my own body because there is practically zero muscle mass to support me.

All the bits of proof I had given you, a witness and victim that is also your friend, another psychotic person that was in the friend group that had told all of us her experience w her delusions as well. And here you are, telling the whole world that we are liars.

now of course they couldn't know this part, but having you call it fake while I suffer PTSD, where I have to wake up crying because I'd just dreamt of being gutted and eaten. being panicked at the sight of someone making a biting motion, feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking into a thousand bits at the mention of cannibalism.

Hell, I was struggling to drink water sometimes as well, struggling to even stand the feeling of water.

I'd be lying if I'd say that I wasn't on the verge of jumping him when I learnt what he did. and all he did was sit there, blissfully unaware.

I regret telling people, but am I really to blame if I wanted everyone to be safe? is it my fault that I didn't want someone else to suffer like I had to? is it really my fucking fault that I need half the people I know to think I'm absolutely insane now?

I'm just kinda tired of people.

Even if I wrote this off as a vent, there's some part of me that wants people to hear this, just as a lesson I guess.

[dootznbootz]

I saw your rant post about Odysseus x Zeus (or whatever else that is) and honestly I feel like epic fandom in general doesn't treat it to be that deep. You are of course allowed to have a negative reaction to it, but honestly there are so many people making "Odysseus adopts Astyanax AU" as well and treating it as a lighthearted thing when it was literally infanticide. People have fun in AU without thinking too much about the morality of it because it's all fiction. But certain fictional characters can also make us emotional because they are relatable or dear to us, but we can't expect all people to feel the same for fictional charas. I hope this helps you a bit and I have blocked the big artists that support this AU (nothing against them, I just don't wanna see it) so you can do the same for some peace.

Anon, this is genuinely really really sweet. 🥺 Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate it <3

ngl, it just felt nice to vent. I usually try to keep my "angry" takes private but it did feel nice to let it out :)

And I know I can't really "stop it" lol. And even if I'm not a fan of something, I NEVER wanna stop people from making art. I still think there's complexity in that, but in the blankest terms, Art should be of anything. (and definitely folks should not like, "witchhunt" the people who make this AU. that's not cool. Don't do that.)

And someone else in the replies kind of explained how it's mostly the kind of absurdity of the situation that like, "makes it humorous". Like a "pigs could fly" thing. I don't completely understand it but it kind of makes sense. (My neurodivergent, traumatized ass got all worked up lol)

I mean I'm already not the biggest fan of "Whump" and this whole AU felt like "Whump but we're laughing at and making fun of the Whumpee"

I mean as you mentioned with the whole "Astayanax lives AU", idk, while to me it feels... like it's removing the point of both HIS sad story AND Epic's "Just a Man" and it's impact on Odysseus. It STILL is like, a "fix-it AU". granted it's fucked that that poor baby isn't with his mother as he should be but it's still a "yay! Happy things!" sorta AU. It's removing the infantcide lol.

I mean even Epic with it removing Odysseus' SAs from the Goddesses. Still showing his discomfort and distress but he also doesn't need to go through it like in the actual Odyssey. Another "Fix-it" type of AU.

This whole thing was just... very funky for me. Odysseus is already called a manwhore because people do NOT see what is blatantly in the text. And it being treated as something funny just... yeah. ;~;

Helen kind of portrays it best but there's this feeling sometimes of even after what happened and you know it's not your fault, you still feel like some "whore". There's a lot of victimblaming in fandom AND irl.

And I've noticed there's this...common thing I've seen?? Where folks (especially men) who were victims of SA are often portrayed and/or talked about as though they are natually "promiscuous" and that's why what happened to them happened. I mean look at how often Helen is portrayed as a dumb bimbo who "fell in love" with Paris. >:( even if that may be the exact opposite of their feelings and/or wants.

I mean, there's Asterion from BG3 for example. I have not played the game yet (though I really really want tooo) but from the sounds of it, he was "owned" by someone else and you are there with him when he is finally free. And it sounds like he is kind of the most "vanilla" and/or least interested in sex canonically but there's still a lot of stuff that portrays him as very sexual and/or promiscuous.

Hypersexuality is a common coping mechanism/aftermath ofc, but that's a bit of a different conversation lol.

When the whole "Odysseus x Zeus AU" first happened, I was just kind of like "mmm, okay, no thank." but as it got bigger and bigger and with it kind of becoming more...Crude?? And with some of the language used it just really messed with me.

I don't ship Odysseus with anyone other than Penelope but even with folks who ship him with others, I've still thankfully never run into coercion and/or assault with those relationships. Honestly if it was just Zeus x Odysseus, I'd be like "oh dang, not for me" and then just move on but with it being to SAVE his friends? The same thing that happened before? yeh.... I still want a tag that I can block. lol

idk why I rambled so long but it felt nice. :) Again, thank you for your kindness, Dear Anon. <3 I appreciate it.

[sciderman]

I've been having some gender-confused thoughts recently and I've been kinda hoping you could weight in on this (as i kinda see you as an expert on gender™ stuff), as sometimes i kinda think like "I wonder what it would be like to be a girl" or "I kinda wanna try if I'd like being a woman and percieved as such" but also partly i am unsure, as i got noone to try stuff with irl (like make-up and clothes and stuff like that) and my parents, mainly my dad, aren't really the most open thinking people out there, and also because part of me wonders if part of my brain is still sexualizing women because most/basicly all of those thoughts are connected to sexual stuff or something physical (even if just cuddling or making out) so i dunno what to think. Sorry for venting but i dunno who to ask tbh. (Where's a Vanessa where you need one, eh?)

i don't think there's any sort of a thing like an expert on gender™, and i don't know if i could at all really weigh in on the validity of your feelings or whether you "qualify" for the right to experiment with your gender – you really, really don't have to "qualify" or feel like you're any sort of anything! if you're curious about what it would feel like to present as femme, then - by god, try it and find out. it might feel amazing, and you'll do it again - you might not like it, and never do it again. or, it might just be a thing you feel that week, and not the next week, and then you'll feel it again in a couple of months, then not.

it doesn't hurt to just - treat it as something easy and free. it doesn't hurt to - buy something pretty and try it in front of the mirror. you're not signing a contract or applying for status as a full-time trans... you're just trying something new. just like you'll try a new entree at a new restaurant. you might never go back. or you'll love it so much you'll go there every week. until you find a new, better restaurant. it's not an all-or-nothing sort of deal - it's not any sort of commitment at all. it's just clothes, and words, and feelings. they can change at any moment, and you should let them be strange and inexplicable and unexplainable - don't take it too seriously. it's all play. treat it like play.

everything in life should feel like play. i think it hurts everyone - absolutely everyone, cis or trans, or anyone - to think that they have to be a certain way. like they have to be this much of something, and cannot be anything else. be free, be comfortable, and be as much of something as you want to be. you don't have to be more, and you don't have to be less than whatever it is you want to be. just - just be.

if you think it'll be fun to put some tights on, put some tights on. if you think it'll be fun to put some make-up on, put some make-up on - sure, it'd always be nice to have someone to guide you through that journey, but - ultimately, whether you have someone else or not, that journey is going to be initiated by you. you have to want to take that first step - and you don't have to wait for it to happen. you can do it any time, whenever you're comfortable and ready, and feel safe to do so.

i think, also, if you're sincerely thinking about gender beyond the binary and asking these sorts of questions then the issue of "sexualising women" becomes much more multilayered than you think. but i don't really - i don't know, i don't really understand where you're coming from. i think there's a very harmful argument from terfs and the like where - they demonise transwomen and accuse them of fetishising femininity and coopting it as a way to penetrate female spaces and - i don't know, maybe that's a mindset you're internalising? if so, i'd really ask you to reexamine that - if you're thinking that about yourself, are you thinking that of transwomen and other gnc people? just - something to reexamine. make sure you're not internalising a rhetoric like that. i'm pretty sure you're not that horrible bogeyman that terfs like to conjure to get people to fear transfolk. and i'm pretty sure that you taking the time to explore your identity and ask questions and getting to know yourself and your relationship with the world is a pretty harmless and wonderful thing that you shouldn't feel afraid to do.

good luck anon! and don't feel afraid to slip back into my inbox with any exciting updates, if you do decide to be so bold!

[just-sp-in-inginthevoid]

Tokyo Revengers but Mikey has the same coping mechanism as Sunny (Omori)

It's an incomplete post so anyone can add things if they want!

'Manjiro' will be used to talk about irl!Mikey while 'Mikey' will refer to Headspace!Mikey

Sanzu is called Haruchiyo and takes on Basil's role (aKa he's important but Mikey doesn't want to either make him tag along/a member of the party or to confine him on the picnic blanket)

'Sanzu' would be The Stranger

Takemichi also has The Stranger role (in timelines where he truly left an impression on Mikey - so probably not in the first two unfortunately)

Shinichiro and Emma both play Mari's role

-> Shinichiro & Takemichi being the only one to call Mikey Manjiro

Senju and Izana share a common role (in Bonten)

The party is made of Toman founding members

Baji, Kazutora, Pah-chin have a dynamic similar to Aubrey and Kel

Draken takes on Hero's role, Mitsuya too, a bit

Draken is the one who takes pictures!!! (like in canon :) )

-> "Did I take this photo? Something about it feels so familiar... No... Emma, she's-"

(Draken has little flags to make Mikey (or other party members) happy during fights)

(Mitsuya is the one who can cook)

Unbread Twins = Kawata Twins (with their ramen shop ofc, no bakery here)

other members are a bit scattered everywhere, mostly the playground ofc (which is a mix of: Toman's gathering place, the playground Baji&Mikey used to play in as children with a huge jungle gym), and the garden and dojo in the Sano house)

There's also the beach which can be reached mostly by Toman members

There's a train but they move around in motorbikes (and Mucho's car)

Motor shop to fix the bikes! Shinichiro can be found there with other BD members :)! (for some reasons, Mikey doesn't like it when Baji and Kazutora are there, so they have to find alternatives to fix their bikes (most of the time they ask another party member to take their bike))

Somehow, Manjiro subconsciously remember the story of Taiyaki-kun so there's a lake where Taiyaki-kun lives (he wants to leave but he can't :( )

It's the dreamworld so everyone is happy and has good relationships with everyone else

Somwhere there's a plane. It doesn't fly, but it's there, lying on the ground. It mustn't broke. (when it does, it leads to Blackspace) (Sanzu always tries to lead Mikey here)

Manjiro/Mikey don't fear a lot of things but things that may upset/trigger them are: mirrors/any type of reflection; whenever he sees a plane (won't make him go back to Whitespace but it's really close sometimes); (people needing to go to the) hospitals (no matter if it's bc they're sick or badly hurt) & probably other things but they don't come to mind sorry

Mikey's 'Something' is just.. everyone. They're all horrifying in a different way, but each person Mikey has failed haunts him (emphasis on Izana & Senju during Bonten)

The Somethings telling him 'I love you' in Blackspace 🥹

Important flowers would be black lilies (curse), and red and white spider lilies at the very end :) (Red spider lilies symbolizing the inability to meet again, farewell, death, loss, abandonment and White spider lilies symbolizing rebirth, meeting (anew), purity)

Also poppies since in Hanakotoba they can symbolize fun-loving and success, and in the more Western flower language they symbolize peaceful sleep and death, remembrance/remembering the fallen and renewal/resurrection among other things

(not a flower professional - just did some google researches so be careful with what I'm saying)

Whitespace:

Old blanket

NES (that he irl has in his bedroom and must hold a lot of memories of family/friends game night)

Mewo being replaced by Peke-j? But Mikey is not close to Peke-j(/not that close from Chifuyu (unlike other ppl)) from what we know. Peke-j could also be used as a way to show how guilty Manjiro is about Baji (and Chifuyu? Kazutora?)

moto figurines laying around? Little flags?

Probably wouldn't have a laptop

The journal+drawings stay tho. He deserves to vent

Deserves to keep the tissue box and cry, too

Blackspace:

Mikey goes in and out of it; he never chooses if he pops up in Whitespace, Dreamworld or Blackspace. It depends on how is his mind irl. There are also some places where he can directly enter it (ex: whenever the Concorde is broken)

Haruchiyo keeps dying. Or having his lower jaw removed out of nowhere (also happens in headspace -> leads Mikey to go back to Whitespace on the spot)

If we do put Peke-j in this AU as Mewo replacement, which choice do you think Mikey would make in the Cat dissection room with our dear mister the Cat Butler? /genuine

The three first timeline are very similar. Senju and Haruchiyo/Sanzu have a lesser role here. In the 3rd/Bad Toman, Kazutora is here and is hurt less by Mikey (whereas if he ever is present in the two firsts, Mikey won't be merciful)

Manila:

"You loved them and you killed them. You should just die." — hits more in this timeline than any other

Rather than Manjiro completely loosing against Mikey; there's a feeling of acceptance at the end of their fight from both parts. They can't go back, but they can't go further either.

Plus, Manjiro never fought for a will to live to start with

Actually I'm not sure if there'd be a fight to start with

Izana, S62 & Kakucho are not present in the headspace of this timeline

Bonten:

there's an entire space dedicated to Senju and Izana. It's filled with always-falling snow and everlasting sakura; the party can make snowmen and other snow constructions! There's a pond with a giant majestic beta fish somewhere, too (maybe it could interact with Taiyaki-kun, maybe not)

Edit: They live in a snow castle

those two are either safe in this place (*cough* until the snow and sakura start to get tainted by blood out of nowhere and they disappear and the flowers wilt *cough* The snow melts a bit under the warmth of blood and suddenly it's less a childhood joy and more just... Hellishly cold. bc the cold refuses to leave ofc *cough*) or with Shinichiro and Emma on the picnic blanket. Kakucho is always found around Izana so he can be found in the snow, too! (He's the one staying there when Izana & Senju disappear; he's panicking and extremely worried)

*cough* canonical Oyasumi ending *cough*

Timeline where the Somethings are the most troublesome and present

eat irl then go puke in the toilet

sleeps less and sleeps badly

Kanto Manji & Final timeline:

Still developing, mostly Whitespace

Mikey and Manjiro are not two different entities yet - Manjiro is not at that point where he suppresses all of his traumas when he's in the Dreamworld as Mikey

not a great emphasis on Senju since she doesn't die, but she's still there, having a lesser role

Draken, on the other hand- (it doesn't last long anyway since he travels back in time no long after)(I mean. it's still three months so maybe it's a bit long)

The "I have to tell you something"-timeline/ending, if there has to be one

[eyobis-andthe-bunnycats]

I'm so fucking pissed off I need to vent somewhere. Feel free to skip this post if you're not interested in reading what an angry non-partnering aroace has to say.

***

Backstory: There's this cute little webcomic I've been reading that has confirmed soulmates with a Red String of Fate. You know, stereotypical amatonormative shit but portrayed in a cute semi-fantastical world. I really enjoy the world building of the story and the themes the author is exploring. I'm currently reading a spin off of the comic. So far we have been shown everyone is born with a Red String tied on their pinky and that at the "right time" that string connects to someone else and you're bound to have a very good relationship with that person(s) [I do believe it is mentioned in universe that there's been people whose red string connects to more than one person (yay polyam!)] and if you work through the beginning stages, you and your string partner(s) are guaranteed to have a fulfilling relationship, which is HEAVILY IMPLIED to be romantic.

In recent chapters of this comic, there was a character currently shown to be on his own. In a more recent episode, the guy is said to have been born without a string and is fine on his own. I was fucking ecstatic! I have been wondering how this world would handle aromantic and other identities and here was an established character that didn't match up with the current narrative of the setting. I left a comment on the episode listing possible scenarios as to why this character did not have a string and why he was fine alone.

I theorized that maybe he was aroace. Or he could have been some other a-spec identity that I wasn't familiar with. And then I theorized maybe he was non-partnering, something that very rarely ever is portrayed in any media that I've seen. Everyone is constantly paired up with someone for one reason or another. So seeing a character without someone and is fine on his own and fucking said he's fine, I was overjoyed to learn more about him and how the setting worked in this comic.

The problem: it might be a coincidence but this other commenter keeps replying to my comments about not being partnered with the phrase "soulmates don't have to be romantic, they can be ✨ best friends ✨."

I did not say at any point that soulmates were only romantic and that best friends didn't count. Like I'm not fucking talking about partnerships? I'm talking about NOT having ANY. And the fact this person said this shit to me twice on two different comments is annoying as all get out. I do not know if they know they're talking to the same person (me) or they think they're being an advocate for aromantic people who have a partner or something.

This just struck a nerve with me because as previously mentioned, non partnering people are hardly EVER discussed or shown in stories, and if it is, it's usually along the lines of "oh they're a broken person who needs fixed." I even have to deal with this shit IRL with my bigoted dad and cis heteronormative friends who are starting to try to pair me up with their friends' kids. Someone I'm BARELY acquaintance with just got engaged a month ago and to be married this weekend and our mutual acquaintances are starting to ask me about my partnerships because of that.

As an aroace person who is not interested in partnership, I'm ticked off.

So, you know, seeing a character in a story not partnered and living alone and BEING HAPPY in a world where everyone has at least a someone, made me really happy and I was excited to learn more about this character and this world he's a part of.

I do not give a shit if my theories are wrong, they're just theories. I just want to learn how this setting works. I have hardly seen any media that has soulmates talk about a-spec identities or non partnering people, and especially I've not seen it written with characters who are not cishet.

This series has gay relationships galore and it also has relationship trauma THAT GETS TALKED THROUGH AND RESOLVED. Great things that I am enjoying! I just really enjoy this setting and the world building and I just want to see if the creator will throw me a bone; I've just been getting scraps and I'm a little nippy.

(this is okay to reblog if you want! I'm just screaming here)