#i just dont know what to do with my emotions

[totallyamazingmedicalbills]

@oripoke @delerious-dove @bo-beanies

You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so im always on the other side of it. Only members of the garden are allowed to have human value. If I tell the truth im not believed, I end up in the ER. If I lie im tortured, i still end up in the ER. If I reach out for help, I dont get any. If I do things alone, I mess everything up.

If I talk about myself, im being selfish. But if I talk about rory, im being obsessive. When bean did something abusive and traumatizing, it doesnt matter and they are forgiven, "because it was a long time ago and you need to get over it". When i also have an attack because of a disorder, its held over my head forever and everything else is ignored. Unlike them, i don't even get a chance to explain anything at all

If your friends make a mistake, you gather and support them, and see the best in them. If I did what bean or pea did, you would hate me instantly without trial. But, they get hundreds of chances, understanding, and care. Where you see the best in them, and understand they are human beings who make mistakes and make effort to be better. When i do the exact same things, you only see the worst in me and punish me for it, and I only ever get worse when I am tortured this way. When I got meds and therapy, I was abused and ignored even worse, when bean was welcomed with praise and love

When I was worried and overprotective and had a panic attack, from disorders I could not control. i am still a bad person despite it, you cannot "trust me on the merit of im just like that." But with pea, who does the same thing and causes someone harm by being protective via being extremely verbally abusive, your excuse is they are being overprotective and "are just like that." The exact opposite of me. I could go on like this for hours, but if I talk about it, Im guilting you. If I dont talk about it, I end up back here.

You didn't abandon pea without a word for months for making the exact same mistakes, and beans, and oris. Why is the garden the only human beings allowed to be human and have value

If I tried to talk to you, I was breaking your boundaries and smothering you. If I offered to disappear and never talk about it, then I was isolating myself and being hurtful to others. If bean mentioend what a good friend would do, they are being kind. If I do the same thing, I am being manipulative.

There was never a right answer. Ive tried to ask you what the right answer is for months. But I've been abandoned, hated, isolated, and tortured for events that were not my fault and not under my control. For the things that were, i apologized, made real effort to change, but it didnt matter and I completely lost it. Have you ever been tortured? By people you cared about?

If im angry, its exaggerated out of context and shared to everyone. If im in dire pain, its completely ignored and irrelevant. You told me I could always talk about problems, but then you completely ignored the messages or didnt acknowledge them, instead of communicating it wasn't okay (If you dont tell me, I will not understand.) If I talk about my illness or my autism, im using it as a shield. But if I try and ignore it, it cripples me. In private, you expressed you liked being called a girl. When I call you a girl (out of habit, and yes, because i wanted to upset you) during a fight, you call me transphobic and spread this misinformation to everyone you know. You use my dead name, and call me a liar and a stalker when im the only one telling the truth. You told me you enjoyed my curiosity about you, my questions, and my general interest in learning about the world i had never before been able to know. Now, the same behavior is called stalkerish and unacceptable. Im told to stand up for myself, like not being told who to date, or to stand up to my brother's abuse. But when I did, my life was destroyed, and my abuse at home increased.

When bean is emotional, it isn't their fault, its their illness, they are just scared, and its okay. When I felt the exact same thing and got therapy and meds the exact same way, it was my fault for being born that way, and the only support I recieved was Peas hate texts.

On dates, when I got upset at the theater, it was my fault for being upset with you, and it was my fault for not accounting your autism that you didnt realize we were on date. But, on other times when I make a mistake on a date, you get upset at me for not listening to you. Reversely it was my fault for not being clear about my illness. This line is constantly being redrawn by you and everything is always my fault, no matter how hard I tried or what I do. Even when I have one foot in the grave, im belittled, yelled at, ignored, abandoned, gossiped about, despised and left for dead

When bean did things intentionally malicious to hurt me, you didnt believe it and insisted it wasnt malicious. When i tell you the truth and the same thing - i did *not* mean it and was not malicous- you dont believe me and insist i was. Likewise, when beans in distress, you discussed it quietly and respected their privacy and your relationship with them. When I was in the same distress, you talk about it in public service, share and spread misinformation to everyone, and talked about it with them (instead of me) for many months before I even knew anything. It's okay for bean and pea and to never apologize or take accountability for the actions of the past. But I have the same things held over my head forever, and am expected to feel hurt and guilty about them (which i do.) You would tell me, over and over, you wished there was something you could do to help, and that you'd do anything you could. When I repeatedly offered what I needed (then and now) which is to talk about it; you refused, because you have boundaries and this was crossing the line, and asking too much

When bean does something for you, like get you something, its a kind gesture. When I do the same thing, even if its all the money left I have, its seen as malicious and im "lying" about my wealth. I really could go on but this is already so long, and im being repetitive. I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to speak with someone who cares about me

If i try and talk about it, im guilting you. If I dont talk about it, you say its unhealthy, and im subjected to excruciating pain. If I tell the truth im tortured. If I lie im tortured worse. If I do nothing I end up in the hospital every time. I dont know what to do anymore. It's pretty apparent you all despise me. But there is no way you want me dead. Im in the hospital. For i dont know how many times. Im broken inside and out. There's no helping me anymore. Nothing matters, and nobody cares. When i try to explain it really is like torture, that my disorder is the most painful in the world, and just like schizophrenia I can't just "get over it." When I explain that, im "lying and faking for attention." Things ive sent in private during attacks, you have exaggerated and escalated as literal crimes i did not do

You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so I am never on the right side of it. It was OK for bean to use, abuse, control and manipulate me, but, but it was not okay for me to express the trauma they caused me or to have a panic attack about what happened. Nothing I do matters, and every answer is always the wrong answer. Im not even mentioning the abuse and immense suffering you did to me. These are just the double standards, and you'll never understand the absolute hell I've been through on the streets..and its because of you

To the random people seeing this lengthy message; yes, im aware its spam and this isn't how you handle interpersonal relationships. Ive tried to handle it privately. But nobody will listen. And nobody cares. Just block me

discord is broken? tumblr is a cesspit? twitter is evil? join us on bleeble! talkr is free ^w^. all your friends are moving over to deadjournal. harassmeonline is open source and the devs only killed three people. nobodytalksforum has great moderators. poob's starting up an sms app. use poob. give poob your phone number. talk to me on poob. go to poob. dive into poob. poob has me for you. poob has me for you.

[biohazard-inevitable]

See, like- I want polyam, but I dont want the sex.

But like- theres so much sex focused talk and stuff in society that its like- well how do I even find people?

Like sure, maybe theres going to a queer bar, but like- when people hit on you at a bar, they’re mostly looking for sex first, maybe romance later, like- a funky little thing.

But like- i dont want that? I dont really trust people like that, nor am I comfortable with sex.

So like- how the fuck do I find people to maybe see?

Cause whats WORSE is I also dont feel comfortable dating someone I barely know, like- if i’m gonna date someone, I have to have known them for a while! It just makes SENSE! As cute as love at first sight is, i dont… experience that???? Its like- something so foreign to my brain that someone can look at someone and then without EVER have spoken to them go “hey, man, they seem awesome i wanna spend my entire existence with them” like????? You dont even know them???

Like sure, yeah, someone can be REALLY pretty and i can totally understand the IDEA of wanting like- sex or something with them, but romance???? Looking at someone and going ‘wow i want to hold their hand and see them smile and go on lunch dates and wake up next to their smiling face’ like- for me to even START having thsoe thoughts i gotta have known them for a while, i currently only feel that sorta way towards two people, one of which is kinda new and im still tryin to figure out where WE’RE at regarding all that because of THEIR current partner

Idk- i used to not be as comfortable saying that kinda stuff as i am now cause i didnt want to thing i was on the aro spectrum for a very long time for whatever personal insecurity was there, but now i know that it was an irrational insecurity I am and im more comfortable with it.

I just- i want to be able to find and date people who are open to polyam but don’t immediately expect sex or super deep romance out of it and thats SO INCREDIBLY HARD TO FIND

So in the meantime i kissa my single boyfriend on the mouf even if hes a thousand miles away

[clumsypuppy]

wait for me

[hinamie]

itafushi nation how r we Feeling!!!!!!!!!!!

[totallyamazingmedicalbills]

@oripoke @delerious-dove @bo-beanies

You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so im always on the other side of it. Only members of the garden are allowed to have human value. If I tell the truth im not believed, I end up in the ER. If I lie im tortured, i still end up in the ER. If I reach out for help, I dont get any. If I do things alone, I mess everything up.

If I talk about myself, im being selfish. But if I talk about rory, im being obsessive. When bean did something abusive and traumatizing, it doesnt matter and they are forgiven, "because it was a long time ago and you need to get over it". When i also have an attack because of a disorder, its held over my head forever and everything else is ignored. Unlike them, i don't even get a chance to explain anything at all

If your friends make a mistake, you gather and support them, and see the best in them. If I did what bean or pea did, you would hate me instantly without trial. But, they get hundreds of chances, understanding, and care. Where you see the best in them, and understand they are human beings who make mistakes and make effort to be better. When i do the exact same things, you only see the worst in me and punish me for it, and I only ever get worse when I am tortured this way. When I got meds and therapy, I was abused and ignored even worse, when bean was welcomed with praise and love

When I was worried and overprotective and had a panic attack, from disorders I could not control. i am still a bad person despite it, you cannot "trust me on the merit of im just like that." But with pea, who does the same thing and causes someone harm by being protective via being extremely verbally abusive, your excuse is they are being overprotective and "are just like that." The exact opposite of me. I could go on like this for hours, but if I talk about it, Im guilting you. If I dont talk about it, I end up back here.

You didn't abandon pea without a word for months for making the exact same mistakes, and beans, and oris. Why is the garden the only human beings allowed to be human and have value

If I tried to talk to you, I was breaking your boundaries and smothering you. If I offered to disappear and never talk about it, then I was isolating myself and being hurtful to others. If bean mentioend what a good friend would do, they are being kind. If I do the same thing, I am being manipulative.

There was never a right answer. Ive tried to ask you what the right answer is for months. But I've been abandoned, hated, isolated, and tortured for events that were not my fault and not under my control. For the things that were, i apologized, made real effort to change, but it didnt matter and I completely lost it. Have you ever been tortured? By people you cared about?

If im angry, its exaggerated out of context and shared to everyone. If im in dire pain, its completely ignored and irrelevant. You told me I could always talk about problems, but then you completely ignored the messages or didnt acknowledge them, instead of communicating it wasn't okay (If you dont tell me, I will not understand.) If I talk about my illness or my autism, im using it as a shield. But if I try and ignore it, it cripples me. In private, you expressed you liked being called a girl. When I call you a girl (out of habit, and yes, because i wanted to upset you) during a fight, you call me transphobic and spread this misinformation to everyone you know. You use my dead name, and call me a liar and a stalker when im the only one telling the truth. You told me you enjoyed my curiosity about you, my questions, and my general interest in learning about the world i had never before been able to know. Now, the same behavior is called stalkerish and unacceptable. Im told to stand up for myself, like not being told who to date, or to stand up to my brother's abuse. But when I did, my life was destroyed, and my abuse at home increased.

When bean is emotional, it isn't their fault, its their illness, they are just scared, and its okay. When I felt the exact same thing and got therapy and meds the exact same way, it was my fault for being born that way, and the only support I recieved was Peas hate texts.

On dates, when I got upset at the theater, it was my fault for being upset with you, and it was my fault for not accounting your autism that you didnt realize we were on date. But, on other times when I make a mistake on a date, you get upset at me for not listening to you. Reversely it was my fault for not being clear about my illness. This line is constantly being redrawn by you and everything is always my fault, no matter how hard I tried or what I do. Even when I have one foot in the grave, im belittled, yelled at, ignored, abandoned, gossiped about, despised and left for dead

When bean did things intentionally malicious to hurt me, you didnt believe it and insisted it wasnt malicious. When i tell you the truth and the same thing - i did *not* mean it and was not malicous- you dont believe me and insist i was. Likewise, when beans in distress, you discussed it quietly and respected their privacy and your relationship with them. When I was in the same distress, you talk about it in public service, share and spread misinformation to everyone, and talked about it with them (instead of me) for many months before I even knew anything. It's okay for bean and pea and to never apologize or take accountability for the actions of the past. But I have the same things held over my head forever, and am expected to feel hurt and guilty about them (which i do.) You would tell me, over and over, you wished there was something you could do to help, and that you'd do anything you could. When I repeatedly offered what I needed (then and now) which is to talk about it; you refused, because you have boundaries and this was crossing the line, and asking too much

When bean does something for you, like get you something, its a kind gesture. When I do the same thing, even if its all the money left I have, its seen as malicious and im "lying" about my wealth. I really could go on but this is already so long, and im being repetitive. I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to speak with someone who cares about me

If i try and talk about it, im guilting you. If I dont talk about it, you say its unhealthy, and im subjected to excruciating pain. If I tell the truth im tortured. If I lie im tortured worse. If I do nothing I end up in the hospital every time. I dont know what to do anymore. It's pretty apparent you all despise me. But there is no way you want me dead. Im in the hospital. For i dont know how many times. Im broken inside and out. There's no helping me anymore. Nothing matters, and nobody cares. When i try to explain it really is like torture, that my disorder is the most painful in the world, and just like schizophrenia I can't just "get over it." When I explain that, im "lying and faking for attention." Despite photos and medical records showing clear as day its not. Things ive sent in private during attacks, you have exaggerated and escalated as literal crimes i did not do. You think im trying to take down your blog or something. When I've literally just been trying to stay out of the ER for more than a few weeks. Im trying to survive, and you take them as personal attacks against yourselves

You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so I am never on the right side of it. It was OK for bean to use, abuse, control and manipulate me, but, but it was not okay for me to express the trauma they caused me or to have a panic attack about what happened. Nothing I do matters, and every answer is always the wrong answer. Im not even mentioning the abuse and immense suffering you did to me. These are just the double standards, and you'll never understand the absolute hell I've been through on the streets..and its because of you

To the random people seeing this lengthy message; yes, im aware its spam and this isn't how you handle interpersonal relationships. Ive tried to handle it privately. But nobody will listen. And nobody cares. Just block me

Heart of the Forest 🍂 - ig | bsky | twitter | commissions | prints

[blobbei-art]

Doodling the amalgamation to see if I like it! Surprisingly motivating to colour since it really shines when the individual heads are shaded.

[tea-cat-arts]

Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will

[bunnyboy-juice]

NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???

[triglycercule]

alright,,,,,is this newyears gift,,,,,, i dont no. but maybe it's late enough that i'll be able to forget that i drew this 😁😁😁😁 mttpoly doodles. whoever sees this sees this

[ashlygraves]

i feel like reading Ashley’s crying fits as emotional manipulation falls into either misunderstanding or a bad faith reading of her personality. especially flashback childhood scenes. Ashley legitimately feels like if Andrew is not on board with her he hates her and wants nothing to do with her- look at her social life, the way her mother treats her. sure its not logical but her past experience with people would guide her to that conclusion. *person* doesn’t like something i do/say = i end up alone again. to hear these kinds of words come out of a child’s mouth, a responsible and mentally stable adult’s response would be to hold her hand and guide her through these feelings, and explain to her that the world does not operate in the black and white lenses she views them from…. now when is Ashley ever surrounded by someone of this description. this explanation would need to come from a parental figure, or a role model in the child’s life, somebody the child trusts and looks to for guidance. who is this person for Ashley??? Andrew. another child. not a well rounded, stable, emotionally mature adult with the past experiences to prove these thought patterns wrong. and how does he respond? by giving in. his little sister is crying, upset, and mom and dad don’t like dealing with her and explicitly tell him its his responsibility to placate her and make sure she’s taken care of and listening to them- whenever they decide they’re going to attempt at parenting that is. they never tell him how to do this, all they want is for their daughter to shut up and leave them alone. in this moment, his little sister is crying and that is unacceptable. based on his past experiences, the fastest (and only) way to solve this problem that nobody else wants to deal with is to do what she wants to do. give in. let her have her way. even in the most extreme of circumstances, because neither of them have reliable responsible role models. as they grow up, Andrew builds resentment towards his sister for this, he’s always doing whatever she wants and they’re acting on her whims because they never learned otherwise. misdirected anger that should have been angled at their parents.. so why isn’t it? because their mother was a hostile, volatile person, who punished him for straying an inch out of line. follow orders and keep up appearances, or else. make sure she does the same, or else. expressing any sort of resentment or anger towards anyone but Ashley would have resulted in an outburst from their mother. there is a line, though. Renee may not have given him any sound examples or advice to follow but she did tell him what not to do: resort to physical violence. she knows it’s not a solution to behavior, we can assume she has experience with this because of her reaction to Andrew trying it out on his sister. and in light of their parents deaths, what does Andrew resort to? physical violence. why? because he’s learned that while it may not change Ashley’s behavior (like their mother said), it makes her listen in the moment. and it feels good, to finally let out his frustrations and he won’t be punished for it. this is him ‘acting out’. he finally has the chance to act without punishment and he uses it to do the only thing that he was explicitly told not to do. why does Ashley act the way she does? because she has 2 decades of experience telling her that what she does effects everyone but herself. she has never dealt with punishment, or consequences, in her entire 20 years of life. she has never had to keep up appearances, or stay in line, because she was never given a reason to. Andrew was. soo.. Andrew’s girlfriend breaks up with him, they kill their parents, they’ve been socially isolated and starved for months with the threat of death right around the corner and then they’re both given a chance to take advantage of an object that ultimately would relieve them of consequences.. but what’s the catch? there doesn’t seem to be one, but Andrew knows better. At least in this instance.

[artandbrimstone]

something something drey "sureshot" ferin and his niece following in his footsteps

[bruhstation]

can't it even be more obvious thomas. why are you surprised that a sudrian historical site filled to the brim with armor and weaponry that dates back to the middle ages has old people afflicted with the gold dust working around the castle

[bakudekublogblog]

talking to normal people about mha is always so enlightening because someone told me they didn't like season six and i was like???? THE BIBLE??????? YOU DONT LIKE THE BIBLE??? BAKUGOU KATSUKI RISING?? THE APOLOGY??? THE CHASING AFTER HIM TO FIGHT SHIGARAKI, THE REVEAL KATSUKI HAS BEEN WORRIED ABOUT IZUKU, IZUKU'S FERAL RAGE WHEN KATSUKI IS STABBED, KATSUKI BEING THE ONE TO FIND IZUKU AND THEN THE ONE TO BRING HIM HOME??? YOU DONT ENJOY THE SACRED TEXTS?? and then i'm like oh right not everyone is a fujoshi high on that sweet, sweet bkdk yaoi

[tardiskater]

okay but like is there a fic that is more tragic then remus' canon? because like I think it's pretty damn hard to beat growing up alone because you were bitten when you were five and are afraid of hurting anyone, going to school during the start of a war, being thrown straight into fighting with your best friends as newly graduated teenagers, losing trust in eachother and coming home more and more tired, 'three' of your best friends dying all in one day and your boyfriend being the traitor who gets sent to askaban, having to survive alone for the next twelve years and endure the moons alone for the first time as a child because your pack is dead, becoming a teacher at the same school you grew up in and having to endure the ghosts of your past while trying to make a better future, having your deads best friends son be in your class who you saw on the day they were born but haven't seen since James and Lily's death, finding out that your traitorous ex boyfriend has escaped from prison and is near the school, finding out that one of your old best friends is still alive and that your ex boyfriend was never the traitor, reuniting with your ex boyfriend and feeling sixteen again, being thrown from the only job you have ever loved because you've been exposed as a werewolf, fighting in the second war with your boyfriend only to have him die a mear two years after you finally got him back, picking up the pieces and trying to find love again, marrying the cousin of your former boyfriend, having a child with her and then dying in the final battle of a war you've been fighting your whole life and being unable to see your son growing up.

[totallyamazingmedicalbills]

@oripoke @delerious-dove @bo-beanies

You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so im always on the other side of it. Only members of the garden are allowed to have human value. If I tell the truth im not believed, I end up in the ER. If I lie im tortured, i still end up in the ER. If I reach out for help, I dont get any. If I do things alone, I mess everything up.

If I talk about myself, im being selfish. But if I talk about rory, im being obsessive. When bean did something abusive and traumatizing, it doesnt matter and they are forgiven, "because it was a long time ago and you need to get over it". When i also have an attack because of a disorder, its held over my head forever and everything else is ignored. Unlike them, i don't even get a chance to explain anything at all

If your friends make a mistake, you gather and support them, and see the best in them. If I did what bean or pea did, you would hate me instantly without trial. But, they get hundreds of chances, understanding, and care. Where you see the best in them, and understand they are human beings who make mistakes and make effort to be better. When i do the exact same things, you only see the worst in me and punish me for it, and I only ever get worse when I am tortured this way. When I got meds and therapy, I was abused and ignored even worse, when bean was welcomed with praise and love

When I was worried and overprotective and had a panic attack, from disorders I could not control. i am still a bad person despite it, you cannot "trust me on the merit of im just like that." But with pea, who does the same thing and causes someone harm by being protective via being extremely verbally abusive, your excuse is they are being overprotective and "are just like that." The exact opposite of me. I could go on like this for hours, but if I talk about it, Im guilting you. If I dont talk about it, I end up back here.

You didn't abandon pea without a word for months for making the exact same mistakes, and beans, and oris. Why is the garden the only human beings allowed to be human and have value

If I tried to talk to you, I was breaking your boundaries and smothering you. If I offered to disappear and never talk about it, then I was isolating myself and being hurtful to others. If bean mentioend what a good friend would do, they are being kind. If I do the same thing, I am being manipulative.

There was never a right answer. Ive tried to ask you what the right answer is for months. But I've been abandoned, hated, isolated, and tortured for events that were not my fault and not under my control. For the things that were, i apologized, made real effort to change, but it didnt matter and I completely lost it. Have you ever been tortured? By people you cared about?

If im angry, its exaggerated out of context and shared to everyone. If im in dire pain, its completely ignored and irrelevant. You told me I could always talk about problems, but then you completely ignored the messages or didnt acknowledge them, instead of communicating it wasn't okay (If you dont tell me, I will not understand.) If I talk about my illness or my autism, im using it as a shield. But if I try and ignore it, it cripples me. In private, you expressed you liked being called a girl. When I call you a girl (out of habit, and yes, because i wanted to upset you) during a fight, you call me transphobic and spread this misinformation to everyone you know. You use my dead name, and call me a liar and a stalker when im the only one telling the truth. You told me you enjoyed my curiosity about you, my questions, and my general interest in learning about the world i had never before been able to know. Now, the same behavior is called stalkerish and unacceptable. Im told to stand up for myself, like not being told who to date, or to stand up to my brother's abuse. But when I did, my life was destroyed, and my abuse at home increased.

When bean is emotional, it isn't their fault, its their illness, they are just scared, and its okay. When I felt the exact same thing and got therapy and meds the exact same way, it was my fault for being born that way, and the only support I recieved was Peas hate texts.

On dates, when I got upset at the theater, it was my fault for being upset with you, and it was my fault for not accounting your autism that you didnt realize we were on date. But, on other times when I make a mistake on a date, you get upset at me for not listening to you. Reversely it was my fault for not being clear about my illness. This line is constantly being redrawn by you and everything is always my fault, no matter how hard I tried or what I do. Even when I have one foot in the grave, im belittled, yelled at, ignored, abandoned, gossiped about, despised and left for dead

When bean did things intentionally malicious to hurt me, you didnt believe it and insisted it wasnt malicious. When i tell you the truth and the same thing - i did *not* mean it and was not malicous- you dont believe me and insist i was. Likewise, when beans in distress, you discussed it quietly and respected their privacy and your relationship with them. When I was in the same distress, you talk about it in public service, share and spread misinformation to everyone, and talked about it with them (instead of me) for many months before I even knew anything. It's okay for bean and pea and to never apologize or take accountability for the actions of the past. But I have the same things held over my head forever, and am expected to feel hurt and guilty about them (which i do.) You would tell me, over and over, you wished there was something you could do to help, and that you'd do anything you could. When I repeatedly offered what I needed (then and now) which is to talk about it; you refused, because you have boundaries and this was crossing the line, and asking too much

When bean does something for you, like get you something, its a kind gesture. When I do the same thing, even if its all the money left I have, its seen as malicious and im "lying" about my wealth. I really could go on but this is already so long, and im being repetitive. I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to speak with someone who cares about me

If i try and talk about it, im guilting you. If I dont talk about it, you say its unhealthy, and im subjected to excruciating pain. If I tell the truth im tortured. If I lie im tortured worse. If I do nothing I end up in the hospital every time. I dont know what to do anymore. It's pretty apparent you all despise me. But there is no way you want me dead. Im in the hospital. For i dont know how many times. Im broken inside and out. There's no helping me anymore. Nothing matters, and nobody cares. When i try to explain it really is like torture, that my disorder is the most painful in the world, and just like schizophrenia I can't just "get over it." When I explain that, im "lying and faking for attention." Things ive sent in private during attacks, you have exaggerated and escalated as literal crimes i did not do

You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so I am never on the right side of it. Nothing I do matters, and every answer is always the wrong answer. Im not even mentioning the abuse and immense suffering you did to me. These are just the double standards, and you'll never understand the absolute hell I've been through on the streets..and its because of you

To the random people seeing this lengthy message; yes, im aware its spam and this isn't how you handle interpersonal relationships. Ive tried to handle it privately. But nobody will listen. And nobody cares. Just block me

[lunarharp]

if i just told you i love you would this world change