#i just couldnt imagine being near someone for no real reason other than to just..be close

[doebt]

i honestly think my touch starvedness is why i cant sleep lately. its like going to bed on an empty stomach..i feel like im missing something or like theres something wrong with me like that feeling of when you feel so freaking messed up and eventually you realise its bc you havent eaten all day..like that but i havent eaten in months and i cant just walk into the kitchen and grab a hug out of the pantry or whatever. i just have to suffer

[amazingphilza]

twitchcon :: cc!multiple x reader

fluff , platonic , gender neutral ! some mcyt headcanons if you were to attend twitchcon w them

cc’s included in order: tommyinnit , tubbo , ranboo , wilbur soot , philza , technoblade

cw: kinda lengthy for the minors (i think), not as much for the hags LMAO /hj

tommyinnit

this man is so excited to be at his first twitchcon & being able to hang out with all his best friends makes it a hundred times better

when he isn’t at a panel or doing meet & greets, he’s dragging you everywhere to see the whole convention center (clingyinnit)

he is just so at awe despite this not being his first convention to attend

you’d be surprised he gets tired pretty quickly & stops over to the partner lounge

you both rest for a bit against a wall in a pretty packed hallway despite it being an exclusive area to twitch partners

every time a famous streamer walks by he will yell it out and record it then vlog your reaction, even if they’re surrounded with bodyguards & trying to get to another place quickly

he’d zoom in his camera to their face at a horrible angle and be like

“oh my god it is THE ninja. ninja famous fortnite player, HELLO.”

but he gets completely ignored

then the camera pans out to you, still really zoomed in that the capture is blurry

“ninjainnit?”

“EH?”

tommy is so confused, forgetting the bit ninja did on his twitter where he renamed himself ‘ninjainnit’ for a split second

okay tommy isn’t that athletic but he will chase you and the rest of your group down a hallway if he had to

he’d probably find a toy gun from the artist alley/seller booths and shoot you and wilbur with it

but if tommy stumbles across any of the dream team, it’s about to be minecraft manhunt but irl

and he will def play his stream music while walking or smth when he’s bored (or trying to jump dream & sapnap)

** DO DO DO DO MANHUNT MUSIC **

oh my god,, now thinking about it he’s probably the one to open like random doors of empty rooms and steal stuff while you film him

like he will take a random empty glass, a bunch of pens, a freebie t-shirt, everything he sees he takes with him and you’re just panic

“tommy we’re literally not supposed to be here, and i’m stuck here filming you. it’s surely a felony in action”

“well, it’s their fault for leaving the doors open! plus this is great content. who’s the dirty crime boy now, HM?”

you’d tell wilbur about this and he’d scold tommy and threaten him with the same pen tommy stole

tommy probably would also drag you some weird event happening outside twitchcon along with tubbo and ranboo

“pokimane is giving out free pizza to everyone if we go to this one restaurant down the street!”

“we are literally gonna get bombarded. have you forgot you’re like three of twitch’s top streamers? i’d rather pay for all of our meals than try getting free pizza from pokimane against all her other fans”

“DEAL! let’s go to five guys then!”

you unfortunately end up paying for all 3 of their meals and picking on their food instead of buying your own

even with all of them making way more money than you, they still happen to be cheapskates

OR tommy will end up getting a burrito from a taco truck, immediately making a mess of himself, then proceed to complain how messy the food is to eat despite knowing what he was getting himself into before even ordering

“shit my clothes are all ruined now!”

“well that’s your fault you got a burrito, as if it’s your first time having one”

“i mean the food is good, i’m not complaining about that but i don’t think it’s that good that it’s worth costing my red and white shirt, im just saying”

tubbo

same with tommy, he is so excited

i don’t know why but i imagine him overpacking his suitcase and you making fun of him for it

anyway tubbo has his irl backpack on and streaming EVERYTHING

probably spends a lot of time at a bunch of different booths, checking out all the pointless gadgets he could buy for his stream

you’re the one to stop him from doing so

“TUBBO IT’S LITERALLY OVER TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, STOP. DONT GET IT.”

“WHY NOT?? IT WILL BE COOL FOR MY STREAM AND I WILL USE IT EVERYDAY”

“okay theoretically speaking, how the hell are you going to even bring it home? which—let me remind you—is across the country for you and not to mention the giant ocean separating america and the uk”

“free ship-pang!!!”

“i hate to break it to you tubbo but there is no way you can get free shipping on a FIVE FOOT PC. it’s nearly as tall as you! what are you even gonna do on it, hack the government???”

the arguments are all lighthearted but eventually you give in and let him splurge over a thousand dollars in different devices he claimed he “needed”

i could honestly see him visiting the beaches in san diego and going for a swim or even renting out a boat to use for a bit :D

also he’d bring benson along with him and taking a bunch of scenic photos with it in them

i have a feeling he’s the type to schedule a spontaneous meet & greet because he was bored & gets in trouble for causing a mob in a certain part of the convention

he’s like “oh god, i did not expect this many of the bois to show up AHAHAH oops”

tubbo would def pull a lilypichu and bring his melodica or ukulele and play themes while following random people/cosplayers

at the end of the day, you’d find his bag just stuffed with crap he either got for free or bought in the convention

“how did you get all that stuff? i was with you all day??? and it’s only the first day of the convention, hello?? it looks like you’ve been collecting as if twitchcon has went on for a week already!”

“HA i have my ways, do not underestimate my powers”

lani would probably tag along for the vacation honestly

like whenever someone comes up to her giving her gifts/asking for pics, you and tubbo would tease her about how famous she is

and i dunno but something about tubbo just gives me this amusement park energy and going to legoland and spending the whole day there since it’s near by and because he can

ranboo

he is like a beacon in a sea of people, that’s it .

i honestly just see him causing as much chaos as the other two

ranboo would probably like take someone’s camera whether if they’re streaming or if it’s for the vlog, hold it up high, and point the camera directly above someone’s face

it did not matter how tall you were and if you had platform shoes on, ranboo was a skyscraper next to you

“HAHAH this is how i see you from this height, this is funny”

then he shows you the vid of the recording of him getting like an aerial view of your face

like you see your nose and all your pores and just overall a bad angle to be captured in

“OH GOD RANBOO DELETE THAT, ITS HORRIFIC”

i dunno why but i feel like he’d jump scare every person that was cosplaying as his minecraft character from behind for some reason

“BOO!”

“ranboo i’m not even remotely dressed as your skin—”

“don’t worry i’m practicing it’s fineee”

“you’re like the height of 2 people combined, i think you will be fine as is. you even intimidated the security at the front”

i feel like if he had his own panel he’d like pull up some undertale song in the middle of it and scare all the people in the crowd

“lore but in real life”

probably would get some matching keepsake with you from artist alley/the booths!

i could imagine like a cute keychain or smth :D

i feel like he’s the type to like randomly volunteer as a participant for those mini events in a booth thinking it would be funny but regrets it the moment he’s on stage

after introductions the presenter is like “okay ranboo, you will be given a random meme prompt above your head you won’t be able to see until after and you will have to make a random face to compliment it!”

and you can just tell by his facial expression he’s just thinking

oh god what have i gotten myself into

what is this game? who came up with this idea?

you’d laugh at him the whole time, even after he’s off the stage and finished with that small fiasco

“that was horrible. never again.”

“AHAHAH IT LOOKED SO AWKWARD YOU DID GREAT”

“I CROSSED MY EYES AND PUFFED MY CHEEKS BECAUSE I COULDNT THINK OF ANY OTHER FACIAL EXPRESSION. THE PROMPT ENDING UP BEING ‘WHEN TWITTER CANCELS YOU FOR USING PLASTIC STRAWS.’ AND WHEN I SAW WHAT IT WAS—LITERALLY WHAT KIND OF GAME–”

“I GOT PICTURES AND EVERYTHING ITS PERFECT AHAHAHAH”

wilbur soot

honestly with wilbur it’s slightly more chill

he already experienced twitchcon before so he’s just glad to see his friends again after so long

insists that you explore the convention yourself rather than sticking with him the whole time but you do anyway!

wilbur would probably have like a mini concert and gets you front row seats with the rest of the group

but that doesn’t mean before it that you’re not helping him set up

“y/n please– my amp is so heavy, i can carry it”

“don’t worry! i’m strong” :D

and musically talented or not, he will probably bring you and the rest of his friends up to stage to just vibe and sing a bunch of random acoustic songs

it’s not like some big concert hall stage,, i imagine more like a casual thing w a slightly higher platform from the ground yk?

after spending a long day at the convention he’d also bring everyone across the city to la jolla or smth !

you’d all probably have dinner there and chill, watching the pretty sunset

“this place is really pretty but oh my god im gonna lose my breath hiking up this stupid hill, please slow down”

and wilbur is like ??? because he’s completely fine with his long legs and everything

“just walk faster”

“no, you walk slower”

AHAHAH and for context traversing through la jolla by walking around the town is a bit hard since it’s basically on a bunch of hills (walking up from the beach to a restaurant actually is actually sm work, trust me ive been there)

wilbur honestly doesn’t spend that much time in the actual convention center, he’s probably sightseeing a bit of san diego with you instead

but i could imagine him staying at the tabletop games area playing dnd or smth

“c’mon y/n, come join!”

“uhh i’m not sure, i’m not the best at roleplay and...”

“it’s fine don’t worry!”

he’d pull you in with him and end up enjoying yourself even if it was your first time

and if you’re of age, you’d be wilbur’s +1 at the twitch partner party and make sure mans doesn’t too drunk

if it’s not too late in the night, you two would chill at the beach after the party

it’s just a nice, calming moment after all the loud music mixed with hundreds of conversations at the party

also something about like taking polaroids pictures with wilbur just seems to go hand in hand for me

i’m not sure why but you will be taking lots of pics with wilbur for sure (not necessarily you both in the photo, but of sceneries as well while you’re together!)

philza

literally a dad on vacation with his children, it doesn’t matter how old you are

need sunscreen? surprisingly has it

want a snack? probably has a small granola bar somewhere in his bag

but same with wilbur, he’s more chill like this isn’t his first time at twitchcon

omg he’d def bring you to the artist alley and just buy a bunch of fanart and stuff tho

“oh wow look phil, someone made a giant poster of the dream smp and shit!”

“holy shit that’s so good what the fuck!”

and he’s like rushing to that artist’s stall to buy a poster or print

idk why but phil seems like the person to know where he’s going all over the convention center

he probably had a copy of the directory map but yk

you just have trouble reading it bc all the signs seem to be misleading to you

nothing really crazy screams out to me of what phil would do at twitchcon besides like go to a few events, spend a bunch of time w his friends, etc

HOWEVER i could see him wasting a lot of his time at the gaming area and testing new games that are currently on the works of being developed

like “woah y/n, this vr game is sick, you should try it out!”

ngl i feel like phil would plan a visit to disneyland for everyone, like he gets the tickets and everything but once you’re at the park it’s free reign, y’all go everywhere with not much of a plan

the minors would try to cheap out phil and pay less than the others even though everyone else fully paid phil back and everything LMAO

ok but if he’s feeling nice, phil will buy everyone cotton candy/pretzels :D

and if you’re not hungry, he’d at least get you a mickey balloon

HE WILL HAVE MATCHING MICKEY EARS WITH MUMZA YES .

ALSO STAYING FOR THE FIREWORKS THOUGH OMG

just in general, best idea phil had for taking everyone to disneyland :D

technoblade

surprisingly techno is really calm despite this being like one of his first conventions

but when he finally settles in and gets comfortable, he’s showing the same energy

if you’re playfully yelling, he will yell back

however there’s still those awkward moments that are unavoidable

idk why but something about him makes me think that if you feel tired and want to go back to your hotel room, he’d go with you just to make sure you get there safe

he probably also needs a break from being around everyone else for a moment too LMAO

i could also see him searching far and wide in the artist alley for fanart of himself AHAHAH

walking around with him in the convention consists of someone yelling “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” every 5 minutes but you don’t really mind

something about him makes me think he’ll be forced into playing minecraft twitch rivals along with the rest of sbi or smth

and he’s like “oh god, i’m going to be on stage? and people will see my face while i play minecraft?”

“i’m sure it will be fun!”

“i mean i like being competitive and feeding my ego, but i’m not that desperate.. well”

do i imagine techno getting easily tired of being surrounded by a bunch of people and just going back to his hotel room with phil and watching some anime with him? yes

and will you watch even if you have no idea what’s going on? also yes

i feel like after a while of you guys hanging out in techno’s room, the rest of the gang will just slowly join you guys

like eventually everyone is there; you, techno, phil, wilbur, niki, tommy, tubbo, ranboo, etc

and techno is like “wha– where did you guys come from?” because his room is basically packed

and niki could be like “oh we can go if you want!”

then techno just insists that she’s fine “but who let the child get in?” clearly implying tommy’s presence

“OI!!”

eventually techno gives in with the company and someone gets a bunch of board games to play from the front desk

lots of yelling and laughing for sure

when it becomes late at night, techno is like half conscious, you’re on your phone, wilbur is staring out the window & enjoying the night view, tommy is passed out on the couch from tiredness, tubbo & ranboo is still wide awake quietly talking, and phil & niki are helping clean up the giant mess

eventually everyone brings themselves to go back to their own room except tommy who won’t budge

you give techno a look and he immediately understands what you were thinking

he rushes to the bathroom to fill up two cups with ice cold water and handed one to you

“on three?”

“okay.. one”

“two”

“three!”

then both of you pour the water on the poor child’s face

he jolts awake and saying a string of curses

“what the fuck techno? y/n too?”

“get out” is the only think techno says that before tommy rushes out with his stuff and you leave right after

a/n: i honestly can’t wait until conventions open up again though,, phil and ranboo were talking about vidcon earlier and omg.

also i kinda want to take in tommy requests but i’m not sure??? it would be both cc! and c! x gn!reader for sure tho. i love writing him to bits but who knows, maybe i’ll only stick to my ideas,, or not. send in a tommy x reader request, might do it, might not, but he’s my fav cc if you can’t tell so! :D (i dunno if i will keep it strictly platonic, but unrequited crushes and stuff are fun to write hehe,,)

edit: let’s hope i fixed all the grammar mistakes LMAO we love writing late at night :) /s /hj

[words-for-holland]

Happier (6) | T.H.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: A deep conversation between Tom & Y/N takes place. Tom offers a solution to Y/N’s problem, but does she take it?! Can Harrison convince her?

A/N: It’s a rather short chapter but a lot of Tom & Y/N action!! I absolutely love reading all your therories and comments! Thank you guys so much for reading & sticking around!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Betrayal

Its a vile word for the people you trusted your life with. Still in a state of shock, Y/N couldnt understand why Katie would have betrayed her like this. To think she was her best friend through thick and thin, always having each other’s back...it all seemed meaningless. Now here she was, packing up and trying to figure out where to go from here. London wasn’t an option and neither was the city with the rent being so high up.

As if her path was written by the stars, Tom had decided to call her the moment she started zipping up her bag. Y/N knew it wasn’t a good idea to answer, but it was almost instinctive in the moment. Truthfully, she needed someone. Someone to tell her it was going to be okay. “Hey, look. I know you probably hate me after the last time we talked on the phone like this, but I just wanted to say Im sorry.” Tom’s voice spoke softly through the phone as he let out a slight chuckle of nervousness.

Y/N smiled slightly as she listened to his voice. It was the most conforting thing she had heard, and could only imagine his voice wrapping around her to make her feel some sort of ease. “Yeah. No it’s um..it’s fine, really.” Y/N responds trying to calm her breathing after sobbing for the past hour.

“Yeah I guess, you were right. Maybe I was just jealous, because..I mean you already knownhow I feel. But you’re your own person so I can totally understand why you’d want to see new people. After all you broke up with me and—” Tom started getting more nervous as he continued to over explain his reasoning, but Y/N didnt seem to pay any attention as she lets out what was bothering her.

“Kate’s been crossing us.” She interrupts.

“Wait what? What do you mean?” Tom asks now more concerned, pushing the phone closer to his ear.

“She leaked information about Natalie staying thats where the rumors came from and she sent those pictures of Matt and I to Natalie’s publicist.” Y/N says as she closes her eyes.

Tom was more confused and in complete shock. Not understanding why Y/N’s most trusted best friend who do this to her. “Y/N...I dont know what to say..I’m sorry.” He replies, feeling defeated that there was nothing he could do, especially since she was so far away from him. Even if Y/N would have rejected his advances, he knew she needed him...now more than ever.

“Don’t be. It’s fine.” Y/N lies as she sits down on the bed, silently crying.

“No, it’s not Y/N. I know you’re hurting and I wish I could be there to do something about it.” Y/N smiles at his words. For every sad and painful moment, there would always be some sort of comfort. Tom was hers. For a moment...just one moment, she forgot about all the terrible things that happened. The betrayal, the rumors, Natalie. The moment felt like it was meant just for Tom and Y/N.

But not all moments last forever. Y/N’s phone went off, alerting her of a notification. In fear, she thought the unknown number was ready to leave another threat for talking to Tom, but it wasn’t. Though it was just a simple Twitter notification that came up, it showed that Tom and Natalie were out again on display for the Public. Casually flirting back and forth, with pictures of their social media interaction with each other. Her heart sank even more..if it was even possible.

He was still with her, even if it was pretend. Y/N thought back to when Natalie first arrived to stay with them, and how she slowly tried to flirt her way and spend time with Tom. She thought about how well they worked and looked good together, and how she left Tom saying “You’d be happier with her.” While it was all under the unknown’s plan to say those exact words, Y/N couldn’t help but feel some sort of truth to it. Certainly, she wasn’t happier with everything thats happened, but for Tom...at least he still had a chance to be happier with Natalie.

“Y/N? You still there?” Tom asked through the phone, when he didn’t hear Y/N say anything for a good while.

She shook her head to stop her thoughts as she replied, “Yeah...still here.”

“Oh okay. Good. I thought you hung up on me.” Tom laughs nervously. “Look, uhh maybe we should focus on what you’re gonna do. So do you have a place to stay?”

Y/N looks around as she sighs in defeat. “No. I’d find an apartment but the rent is so high here in the city especially for those that live alone, and I really dont feel like moving back in with my parents right now.”

Tom listened to her dilemma closely, when he offered without hesitation, “Come back here.”

“Tom, you know thats not an option nor a good idea for us. I told you we needed space, and I certainly don’t want to live under the same roof with a girl your fake dating at the moment.” She says in digust, voiced laced with anger.

“Calm down, Y/N. Im just offering you a solution and I could make sure you don’t see her. It’s a big house after all.”

“It’s not happening.” Y/N says quickly to end the dispute. Y/N stops to think about her other option, one Tom make not very well like. “Maybe I could ask Matt. I know he doesnt live too far from here.”

“Okay, now you’re being delusional. That’s definitely not happening.” Tom scoffs, as he thinks about the sickening idea. “I don’t want you near him.”

“You cant tell me what to do.”Y/N snaps at him. “Just like I’m not telling to stop being near Natalie, let alone enter a PR relationship.”

“Well at least Im being honest and open about it and not hiding it like an immature child.” Tom fires back. Y/N was at a loss with the way he responded to her. While she did keep it secret, deep down she knew it was for his own good..but he would never know. “Im sorry. I didnt mean it. It’s just...I wish you were more honest with me..with everything. It hurts you know.”

“Yeah..” Y/N whispers on the phone, feeling guilty and upset by where they’ve ended up. “I know. I’m sorry too. I want to be honest with you about everything but I cant for good reason.”

“No reason is good enough, if you have to keep secrets from people you love.” Tom says bluntly. “Look Im not gonna make you choose where you want to go from here. It’s your decision and life. Im just saying my door is always open for you...no matter how many times you hurt me.”

“It’s not your obligation Tom. I’ll be fine with whatever happens to me. I have to be, but thank you.” Y/N says as she bids him farewell.

As Y/N grabs her stuff and heads toward the door so do Harrison and Harry. “We booked a hotel for a night, if you want to stay with us.” Harry says as he tried his best to smile for her.

Y/N does in return and nods. “Yeah. Okay let’s go.”

Harry, Harrison, and Y/N made it to Aviary Hotel in silence. No one was sure what they should say to the other, when everything had gone to shit in the past month. Once everyone settled down, Harry decided to go down and grab food the group, while Harrison stayed to watch over Y/N in case she needed anything. “So, you told Tom, Im guessing?” Harrison asked, sitting across the other bed as he watched her intently.

Y/N nodded not saying anything as she brushed her hair avoiding eye contact. She thought for a moment deciding if she should tell him about what really happened in the phone conversation. “He and I fought..kinda I guess. I told him I didnt have a place to stay and he wanted me to stay with you guys, but I said it’s not a good idea and then I mentioned Matt, and everything went downhill from there.”

“Wait why not? Why can’t you stay with us?” Harrison asked.

Y/N gave him a look as if he didn’t know the reason already. His blue eyes shifting from surprise to realization. “Right, I forgot.” They sat in silence for a few seconds before Harrison interjects again. “You know, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I know Natalie and the unknown number still poses a threat, not to mention risky, but it’d be unexpected for them.” He offered.

Y/N thinks hard about it, her brows furrowing. “Yeah okay...but how does this that make it any better knowing that Im living with my ex-boyfriend who is also living under the same roof with a girl that he’s fake dating not to mention your childhood friend, and may very well be the other person terrorizing me.”

Harrison looks at her as he rubs his face in embarassment. “Well..when you put it that way.”

“Harrison, you can put it in any other way you want, it’s still going to be a bad idea.” She says.

“Look just think about it, okay. Its a big house, and you can use the attic room upstairs if you dont want to see anyone and have schedules until we can sort all of this out. And if it bothers you that much I even have a friend that lives close by who also needs a roommate herself.”

Y/N looks at Harrison skeptically, as he weighs out her options. “You really out here trying to find a way to make me stay with you guys and leave home huh?”

Harrison smiles as he combs back his dirty blonde hair. “No, Y/N. This here?” He points out arms wide, gesturing to the room to represent New York. “It was your home. Your real home, whether you want to believe it or not, it’s with us back in London. I know everything has been rough between you and Tom, but we’re going to find a way. I promise.”

Y/N sheds a tear, as she hears Harrison speak. He was right. Home just didn’t feel like home anymore. Not without them, but as much as she wanted to say yes, the odds of it being okay were against her...that couldn’t be ignored.

“So what do you say?”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco @racewife2004 @sleepybesson @greatpizzascissorstaco @andievgs

[50shadesofmittens]

Next on the ‘ideas I’ve had for years and only now put to words thanks to  @coaxionunlimited' show, it’s some actual theories! Well just one theory! But in detail! And it gets really dark!

So I strongly believe that no matter who CG is, he’s got a long and varied history outside the palace

And I came up with this because I had questions after we learned about Shadowsun, and I drew some conclusions about it

Namely- how the hell did they meet if CG was staying in the palace all this time?

Seems unlikely she could’ve snuck onto Terra at some point, seeing as she’s a Xeno enemy commander whose life is fully dedicated to her job and Terra is the most guarded planet in the Imperium

What’s more, the Tau are largely trapped in their little section of the galaxy, meaning Shadowsun COULDNT have gone to Terra or any planet anywhere near there- she doesn’t have the technology, and anywhere she COULD get to is in the boonies of the Imperium, meaning at some point CG visited that area and met her

Plus, there’s the simple fact that the scene where the two break up takes place in the rain

Terra has no natural water, it CANT rain there, and the BL is a freakin library there is NO reason to have that much uncontained water around books

Thus I took the Shadowsun backstory as proof CG HAS left the palace on multiple occasions- and gone WAY further than the Black library

In short, I’ve concluded that CG has spent large periods of time away from the palace, in new and exciting locations over the last few millennia

Now we get into dark stuff, so I’mma separate it behind the cut

So there’s also the fact that CG has canonically admitted he used to be like the other Custodes

So at some point, he was just as bad as the others, but then he turned away from it all

I have a whole backstory in my head that’s all headcannon from here on out unless stated otherwise

But basically I think CG was just like the other Custodians into about 4-6 thousand years ago (he stopped sometime before the Age of Apostacy bc he needed sanity to challenge Goge Vandire)

My theory- something bad happened, CG wound up being brutalized or something by his other Companions (probs during a blood games) and he kinda had a breakdown and left the palace for a while

For a while I imagine he was trapped in a self-destructive lifestyle similar to what the Custodians have, except out in the real world.

Kinda like the hard-drinking party girls who can’t get their lives together. Only immortal and with potential religious/existential crisis behind

Largely I think this because it would be very very hard for someone to pull themselves back together after so long using sex as the only way to avoid the guilt of having failed to keep your lord and master alive (which CG claimed in TTS was the reason for their nudity). TLDR sex would be his only coping mechanism, and it took decades at least for him to develop healthier ones

He didn’t return to the palace until Goge Vandire showed up and made life shit for everyone again, at which point CG stepped in

This is where we go into fanfic-territory, so I’mma make a separate post for it

[ohlukcs]

( alex wolff, male ) did you hear how LUKAS TOZER is applying to columbia university as a FILM & MEDIA STUDIES major ?! the 19 year old is living in the WALLACH HALL. i heard that they got in because they are + PASSIONATE and +THOUGHTFUL, but honestly i think HE can be -ASSUMING and -CYNICAL. they’re a real MAVERICK. oh well, only time will tell if the SOPHOMORE will make it til the end.

about the mun !!

hi hello my name is sam (she/her), im 22, and im a big fat mess at all times :) um but a lil more about me is that i’m australian and a recently graduated film student lmao. i’ve been rping for like ten years now i think idk but i am a NERVOUS BITCH !!!!!!! and it sometimes takes me forever to reply to things (ic and ooc) bc of that so pls be patient with me lmao. anyway, happy 2 be here !! if u like this post i’m gonna assume u wanna plot with me and my idiot and hit u up !!! lets mcfreakin lose it !!!!

about lukas !!

full name: lukas joshua tozer

nickname(s): luk-ass idk whatever u can come up with lmao

age: nineteen

gender: cis male

pronouns: he/him

hometown: jackson, new jersey

date of birth: nov 4th

occupation: student ( film and media studies, sophomore ), cook/server at a nearby 24hr pizza joint

relationship status: single

drink / smoke / drugs: yes / yes / yes

faceclaim: alex wolff

positive traits: passionate, thoughtful, creative, ambitious, untethered, humorous

negative traits: assuming, cynical, insensitive, rebellious, resentful, irresponsible

if he was in a hogwarts house: slytherin

now some more dot points that are just me talking about lukas !!

was born in fort lauderdale florida but there is a vERY low chance he will ever admit that, he’ll just say he’s from new jersey. as far as he’s concerned, he’s always been from new jersey even if his family did move there after he turned twelve

speaking of things lukas probably wont ever tell u but i’m including them anyway: his family is kind of messy. not majorly but like a little bit more than average. he had two brothers, now he only has one. i’m not gonna include a whole lot of nitty gritty here i’ll save it for when i write the real bio and can actually do it justice but its the reason they moved from florida and it has had a pretty major effect on lukas over time obviously

he’s the baby of the family and he’s pretty much always been treated like one. it has left him pretty immature and irresponsible. still learning that his actions have consequences and that he cant just be a total dick all the time. he’s improved in those areas a fair bit since he started at columbia a year ago but he still has a long way to go

he didn’t ever really expect to go to columbia, he’s from a middle class family and his dad didn’t even go to college. he applied for columbia just as a might as well give it a go thing. like maybe it will happen. they had a film course and although the course itself isn’t really great, the connections to the industry available at columbia were valuable enough for him to try. he was wait listed up until basically the last minute, preparing to go to a college in boston instead but when he was accepted he knew he had to go. for himself, for his family, and for his lost brother.

obviously irresponsible attitude has led to some Bad Decision Making including but not limited to partying and drugs. he doesn’t prioritise that lifestyle over his school work (bc he knows how lucky he is to be at columbia at all) but he is a big believer that you need to experience things to be a great artist and he plans on being the greatest artist so bad decision town here we come !!!!

he has a pet goldfish named michael bublé pls dont nark

for more info on him click here to check his about page, no bio there yet but hopefully soon

wanted connections babey !!

course friends/rivals/anything: i am writing these before acceptances happen so i have no good god damn idea if any other characters are film majors but hit me the hell up if they are bc i would love to plot some stuff out

old roommate(s) : lukas was probably an entertaining roommate but probably verged on annoying pretty easily. he’s messy, gross, probably didn’t respect the do ur fucking dishes rule in first year ( probs still doesnt tbh ). but he also has a password to every streaming account plus a phat hard drive full of movies and shows that he is absolutely willing to share with u so just depends what ur into i guess. maybe this connection led to friendship or maybe they hate each other now. im down for either/both 

dealer: hi welcome back to bad decision town. lukas isn’t into any hard stuff but is a big weed smoker (to my understanding medicinal cannabis is allowed but lukas def doesn’t have a prescription), then after that it’s kind of just experimenting. will chat more details if u wanna take this connection

booze leachers: so yes lukas is 19 but he has four, thats right, four fake ids. he is not willing to give u his contact for fake ids but he is willing to buy u booze if u pay him. dont hate the player hate the game

gang gang: pretty much just a close group of friends. i imagine all pretty relaxed, all pretty chill. idk what to say here except i want people to care about him and let him put on dumb movies and watch them with him and probably have dumb matching stick and poke tattoos and hog a communal tv to play mario kart but lets talk about it

fast food workers deserve respect too: as mentioned, lukas works at a 24hr pizza joint near campus which means he’s seen some shit. one of the things he’s seen multiple times is drunk student trashing the place. whether it be vomit, forgetting how to hold a cup, or bet try at a food fight lukas has seen it and he’s cleaned it up too. this connection could be that maybe he helped someone out and cleaned them up and got them back to campus when their friends ditched and now they look out for lukas too and its a positive connection. or maybe lukas hates their guts and spits on their food whenever they show up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who’s to say

hot girl bummer by blackbear: now listen here’s an angsty connection i want, and i def want to plot it out way more with whoever takes it on but basic outline of what i have in mind: they’ve kind of sort of been dating for a while but they’re just falling out of whatever they had to begin with. they were never official, they probs def fucked around with other people while they were ““““together”””””, lots of oh sorry ur taking it so seriously i thought we were just chilling bullshit. all of this girls friends probs hate lukas and he definitely hates them back. were probably once really good friends and had a really good time together but they’ve lost it. will they find it again or will it fizzle out? lets find out together xoxo

new girl(s) : i hate the connection title too but i couldnt think of anything better. we’re in bad decision town and now we’re going to thot street babey. since things have been falling apart with hot girl bummer and even before that lukas a little bit of a thottie. this doesnt mean he’s good at it, please also feel free for a part of this to be that they rejected lukas and he got butt hurt about it idk lukas being attracted to them is basically this whole idea and i would wanna plot the rest of it more depending on specific characters wooo

lukas is a bad influence: if u have gotten this far u may have noticed that lukas is not a very good influence at all. this is someone probs his age or younger that wants to loosen up and have a good time and lukas completely encourages that. bonus points if this connection is a combo with the above connection bc lukas is a gross boi and would be like wow listening to my bad ideas thats so sexy and cool of u ya know. but also doesnt have to be that ! could just be lukas thinks its funny and thinks that someone listening to him is just like good content that could get him on barstool

lukas is badly influenced: this is basic as hell but someone that tells him to leave his impluse control at the door and encourages him to be trash. probs older than him and i def see this as more of a masc connection than a fem but like all my plot ideas: lets talk about it. this one probs v much depends on ur character so gonna leave this one nice and short

lukas is good-ly (??????) influenced: also basic as hell and p much just the opposite of above. someone who is a good influence on lukas. encourages creativity and ambition instead of straight up recklessness. again, i see it as an older character but no gender seen here. a lot of this would be based around ur character so lets chat

michael bublé’s co parents: lukas has a goldfish named michael bublé (or just michael), i picture him having got it while high as heck during the day and just being like This Is A Good Idea. maybe ur character was with him and they were co parents from the start or maybbe they came into the picture later ??? i’m honestly down for whichever just give michael the love he deserves pls

and probably just about anything else these are just some ideas, i totally wanna plot further and brainstorm so please still hmu if none of these fit ur character we’ll plot something up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mskinkyafro]

Last Call (Ethan Ramsey x MC)

A/N: I know what most could be thinking...what the hell it’s only been two chapters, but I can’t help it! I feel so much excitement and adoration for Dr. Ethan Ramsey. We don’t know much about him but ideas were popping in my head all weekend.  Any details I reference about his past in this fic is original content I conceived and nothing confirmed in PB cannon. This would definitely not be apart of cannon so cannon divergence here. The song used briefly in this fic is “These Arms of Mine” by Otis Redding.

Italicized and bold:song lyrics

Italicized: internal thoughts

Summary: Dr. Ethan Ramsay takes time to reevaluate the newest intern that’s captured his attention in more ways than one, whether he wants to admit it or not.

All Rights to PB for their characters, settings, and stories. I don’t own them, I just borrow minus my MC Dr. Katrina Michaels.

All Rights to who own the song “These Arms of Mine”.

In the mischievous hours of the night Dr. Ethan Ramsey sits alone in the now barren Donahue’s nursing another drink. The place once buzzing with noise is now near sheer silence except the gentle music playing from the jukebox. The last crop of stragglers, only a few with slurring speeches make their exit. Hearing the soft thud of the door shutting he let out a mild grunt and raises his near empty glass towards the bartender.

“Last one, buddy. My knees are screaming and any minute longer I’ll be visiting you at your job versus you visiting mine.”

Reggie says as he refills the glass and then grabs a rag to clean.

“Now we can’t be having that now.” Ethan replies before taking a small gulp.

Suspicious at such warm words from the man Reggie stops wiping down the counter to look at Ethan.

“Hmm, that’s strangely kind of you-”

Before Reggie can finish his sentence Ethan cuts him off all the while looking into his diminishing drink

“Because then who will serve me drinks at my beck and call?”

His eyes shine with mirth as looks at Reggie while he takes another sip.

“You almost had me there. You’re a cheeky bastard, you know that? I should throw your ass out for that.” Reggie says while shaking his head amused.

“But you won’t because you’re too good. That’s exactly why the likes of myself don’t deserve you as friend Reg.”

“Heh, damn right. I only keep you around because you tip well.”

Ethan chuckles at the man in front of him.

“Never change, Reggie.”

“Wasn’t planning to buddy.”

The two men finish laughing when the shoosh of the door opens and a young African-American woman enters while calling over her shoulder before the door closes.

“I’m going to use the restroom and wait inside until the Lyft comes. Night everyone!”

Recognizing the voice speaking  Ethan turns and sees Dr.  Katrina Michaels. As she moves from the entrance and towards the back right of the bar to the restrooms his gaze follows and he retreats to his mind briefly.

“I haven’t quite figured out why but there’s something about the rookie that intrigues me.”

Reggie notices his friend is watching the woman from earlier and can already gather what could be the reason why. Being the good friend that he is Reggie decides to give his old pal  a nudge in the right direction. So he taps Ethan on the shoulder to get his attention.

“Welp, I gotta clean up in the back. Keep an eye on the place for me. Especially the little lady, I’m leaving both in your capable hands.”

Ethan quirks an eyebrow at Reggie as he takes another swig and asks

“What are you getting at Reg?”

Reggie smirks to himself and shrugs his shoulders before he turns to leave Ethan alone and enters a side door near the shelves of alcohol. Ethan scoffs and continues to drink his glass of scotch enjoying the the burning sensations that slide down his throat. His thoughts lingers to earlier in the night when talking to Katrina.

“She definitely is different in the real world but on the hand not so much.  I don't quite understand why this intern is different from the others. Other than  proving herself capable so far but outside  EdenBrook I notice that my thoughts have dawdle on her more  trivial attributes. Such as her underlying fierceness or perhaps her vivaciousness. Well I suppose I can’t say I truly recognized these qualities more so I overlooked them, one such as her beauty. She truly is stunning. It makes me wonder why a woman like her spent time near me when the place was swarming with younger men. Especially asking if someone was waiting at home for me. It can’t be what I think… no I probably need to ease off the alcohol right now. Besides who would wait around  for me anyway? Edie surely doesn’t anymore.”

As he sets his glass down back on the counter he hears a soft voice calling his name which removes him from his thoughts. Without turning around he says

“Hello again, rookie.”

“I’m surprised to see you still here Dr. Ramsey.” Katrina Michaels murmurs.

He turns to face the intern and replies

“I’m surprising in a lot of ways.”

She smiles and delicately places herself  onto the stool that’s next to Ethan.

“You’ll have to  prove that you know.”

Despite himself he smirks at her. His gunmetal blue eyes piercing into Katrina’s hazel ones. Their gazes seem to challenge yet captivate the other. There’s a comfortable yet tense air between the two until the smooth vocals of Otis Redding play from the jukebox.

“These arms of mine, they are lonely. Lonely and feeling blue. These arms of mine are yearning, yearning  from wanting you...”

The song continues to play as Katrina speaks.

“You know he’s is one of my favorite artist. I used to...”

As she speaks Ethan watches the woman in front of him. He observes the way her eyes are lit up to how a rogue strand of her curly hair hangs, and even how in the dimly lit bar her smile radiates and contrasts with her beautiful coffee-hue complexion. He tries to listen to all she’s saying, now beginning to tell him about much of a fan she is. But he’s beginning to distract himself with his thoughts once more.

“Of course this song plays. Very convenient timing, I’d say. I bet Reggie had something to do with this. It’s been so long since I had someone. At this point other people would take anyone. But I could never at my stage in life. That’s why I’m here at almost one in the morning. I wonder why she’s here too, besides being young.”

Ethan breaks away from his mind to refocus back onto Katrina whose finishing up a compliment about his research.

“Katrina, may I ask you a question?”

“Of course, Dr. Ramsey.”

“First, outside of EdenBrook you may call me, Ethan.”

Katrina runs her hand through her hair before replying

“Are you sure, Dr. Ramsey?”

He rolls his eyes briefly before turning to look at his glass to take another sip of his scotch.

“Yes, rookie. You referring to me as doctor outside of the hospital makes me look a bit pretentious.”

“I think that’s your own doing, Dr. Ramsey.”

He pauses lifting his glass to meet his mouth in midair and turns to glare at her but it falters once he hears the bubbling of laughter escape her plump lips. He goes back to take a swig and places his glass back down gently.

“Sorry. I couldn’t pass that up...Ethan.”

“Now, was that really that difficult?”

“Not exactly, but it’s a bit strange. To be on first name basis with your idol.”

“I’m just a man, rookie. Not a celebrity or some god.”

Katrina turns her face away from Ethan and averts her eyes from his as she whispers

“Maybe, but you sure do have god-like looks.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t make out what you said?”  curious of what she said.

“It’s not important. But you wanted to ask me something?”

“Yes I do. I happen to be thinking of what you asked me earlier in the night and wondered the same.”

“Is that so? Is there a reason why you liked to know?”

Her tone so playful with a hint of flirtation that he couldn’t decipher if he imagined it or not.

Instead of speaking he shrugs his shoulders in response.

Smiling to herself and looking down before meeting his eyes again.

“I’m just like you. No one awaiting my return.”

“Interesting.”

The fading music is more audible as the two stop speaking momentarily

“...I need somebody. Somebody to treat me right, oh. I need your arms. Loving arms to hold me tight. And I, I, I need your, I need your tender lips to hold me.”

A chime from Katrina’s cell phone breaks the silence before either one of them could.

“That’s my Lyft. It’s two minutes away so, I’m going to waiting outside.”

Ethan nods in understanding, she begins to remove herself from her seat, but still slightly tipsy she slips and falls into Ethan’s body who reacts immediately.  He grasps firmly yet gently ahold of her,  keeping her steady. Both freeze from the sudden contact and close parameters they are from the other.

Katrina can see Ethan’s adam’s apple bob up and down in his throat and he thinks to himself while staring at Katrina.

“I suddenly have the urge to gently brush the curls away from her beautiful eyes and...I need to stop this instant. It’s late and I am feeling a bit lonely but I’m beginning to enter a dangerous area. This would lead to an H.R. nightmare. I can’t let myself get tangled with the matters of the heart. Especially with my, ahem, the rookie. God, I need to lay off the sauce for a while.”

He’s pulled from his thoughts when Katrina removes herself from his arms.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it, rookie.”

“Is that going to be a permanent thing? Even outside of work?”

“What?”

“Rookie. I mean you’ve called me by my first name earlier tonight even when I thought you didn’t even know it, much less remember it nor care to.”

“I’ve told you. I’m observant...rookie. Does that answer your question?” He says smirking at her.

Rolling her eyes she moves to make her way to the exit.

“Yes it does. And you deny that you’re favoring me.”

“I’ll let you believe what you want. Even if it’s a silly notion.”

“Whatever you say, Dr. Ramsey” she purrs.

Ethan feels his heart rate increase briefly. Before he can respond, she speaks up.

“My ride should be here now. I’ll see you around Dr. Rams- I mean Ethan.”

She rubs her hand obsessively through her hair before giving him a quick wave as she inches closer to the door.

“For whatever reason my name leaving her lips sounds right. As the same for hers. Katrina. Ka-tri-na. I’d like to say it more than just in my...Okay enough. I must stick with calling her  rookie. That’s what's...what’s safe.

Katrina opens the door which pulls Ethan out and he speaks for the final time

“Have a good night...Katrina. Get home safe.”

She stops at hearing her name being used and turns back around and grins wide at Ethan.

“You too.”  she steps outside and calls back to Ethan.

“Maybe once I’ve graduated from rookie or you tire of it, you can call me Kat. Whichever comes first.”

Without another word or glance she walks out the door.

Ethan is left staring at the spot she was occupying before turning his attention back to his glass. He drains the rest of his drink and retreats into his thoughts.

“So much for playing it safe. Then again, what’s life without a few risks.”

[dcwastelands]

For Honor Event - Part 1 - July 13, 2019

Eevelion:

It had been about five minutes since everyone had been loaded into the transport van, jostling as it rolled across the bumpy untamed roads of the wastes while a handler gave a briefing on today's events, having prior only been explained as "Ghost neutralization".

"We're currently about ten minutes off from the Old Renaissance Fairgrounds where we are aware a Ghost has made it's lair, this ghost; Phantom Knight by our logs, or..." They'd take a close look at the log sheet they had brought with them "'Ser Gaius Grimsley von Datenshire III' by it's own proclamation, is on the more passive side, but it's actions inadvertently put the base and travelers at risk. As such it's been decided that it should be neutralized for people's safety. We're currently not recommending direct combat with the ghost, as we don't know it's full capabilities and we'd rather minimize chances of harm coming to anyone, instead we want to use this as an exercise in repenting a ghost through fulfilling it's last desires, since not many have done so. Judging by the ghost's behavior, we assume that engaging it in a 'tournament' has a high probability of fulfilling these desires, so it will be up to you all to put forth your best effort in defeating it in anything it challenges you to."

The driver in the front seat would call out for the handler's attention "About eight minutes now." gripping their papers the handler would turn back to those present "Y-yes, as he said, it's not far away, so if there's anything you need to know ask it now, and I'll try to answer your questions with what intel we have. Also," They'd produce a stack of papers from under their seat "Everyone should take a copy of the log sheet and give it a look as well." They'd hand the stack to whoever was behind them, ready to take any incoming questions.

Leona:

Gakuran, having begrudgingly come along, began to exam the paper work. While  understanding the reasoning for not attacking, he'd be concerned with toying with a ghost. Though he had no questions, he was ready for the day to be over. He was here for observation and help, the quicker they did this the faster they'd get back home. "I'm fine with trying to repent the ghost by its means but what if it gets violent? Will we abort and take it down by other means?" Knowing that repenting a ghost could work well or fail about half the time. But he wouldn't be caught without some backup plan. "If so whats our backup?"

Eevelion:

The handler would scratch their chin a bit at the question "Well, if the ghost does go hostile, you are given permission to fight it, if we find it to be considerable risk we'll call you back and retreat back to Psi. We'll just have to play it by ear but we're really hoping it won't come to blows."

Sera:

Spanx reeled back a little as the words "you are given permission to fight it" hit her ears. "Gosh, I sure hope it doesn't come to that. I hope we can give a ghost a nice send-off for once."

Lief:

"I'd rather avoid that too," was the involuntary mutter from Haori. He wasn't one for fighting- or expending more effort on something than absolutely necessary. He still wasn't sure how he'd gotten roped into this, really. But it seemed to be in everyone's best interest, so who was he to complain?

Dezzy:

"If worst comes to worst, and there's an impasse it might be the only choice. But the proposition that there is a way to do so is much, much favorable for the deceased." While Chaqueta wasn't the battle oriented type, she could defend herself decent with humans at the very least. But she hoped it wouldn't be necessary given the group was tasked with a more peaceful repent to be executed. If her brains could be of any use to them, she had more than enough brain cells to spare.

Zaku:

Ah, cramped vehicle space. One of the few things Obi had forgotten about this past century. But here he was; a near seven foot colossus of an archangel sitting in a van surrounded by others. Almost brings him back. Keyword being almost. He simply nods as he looks over the rest of his compatriots. In a way, it was good to finally get some new scenery for him. Felt like ages since he stepped out.

Leona:

At least they were all on the same page. But something still lingered in his brain, a question. "What can we even expect from this? carnival games?" hoping for any easy excursion. Considering the venue, anything was possible.

Eevelion:

"Well, the ghost seems to fancy itself as a type of knight, if you've ever heard the term 'hastilude' that should give you a pretty good idea, they're contests knights would perform in the olden days as a sort of honor thing."

“Alright, if nobody has anymore questions we've just about arrived-” Suddenly the handler was interrupted by the car come to a brisk halt “The fairgrounds.” hopping out of the passenger side door he'd open the door for those in the back “Alright, everyone out, try not to hit your head on the roof Mr. Ravissepto.” Being ushered out, the passengers would be able to get a good look at the faire, weathered old tents being reclaimed by nature, a stone bridge over a small stream with a concrete castle just past, wild grass had been attempting to encroach the center of the faire, but seemed to have regularly been trampled away by footprints. There was currently no sign of the ghost, but enough evidence that something or other frequents this area.

Zaku:

Precaution taken, Mr. Van Driver, sir. However, that precaution would still serve no good as the minute the door opened, the taller angel of the group sat up to, the surprise of no one, slightly hit his head when trying to get up, He says not a word and waits for at least a few of his compatriots to leave the van first before attempting to sit up yet again. The last thing he needed was blocking other peoples way of exiting while he himself was trying to exit. #JustGiantThings, amirite?

Gigi:

Lolo seemed oddly present for once, turning around to listen to each voice intently; it wasn't often she showed up to these training exercises but considering combat wasn't the focus, she was given the option and took it. How nonchalant all the angels seemed about this was fascinating still. that's just how it was in the wastes! Nothing phased these people.....She hopped out eagerly, staying closer to the handler than letting herself roam free.

In the back, though...someone else didn't seem remotely as amused. One green eye was focused more on the ruins outside the van, taking in the lay of the land as the others went on. He'd been through a lot of these, no need to be too attentive; seeing the wreckage of poles, tents in the greenery it kind of brought an odd knot to his stomach. He'd tail behind the rest of the group, his attention still seemingly far beyond the rest of the group with unwarranted tension. (Really, it was a non-combat repentance, this was what he liked seeing as a human--)

Sera:

Spanx took a moment to stretch after stepping out of the vehicle.  It seemed quiet for a place haunted by a ghost that was causing trouble for people. "I hope it doesn't take too long to find this guy. Anyone have any ideas on how we should lure him out?"

Eevelion:

Crown hopped out of the back of the van, taking in the sights and the smells of the faire. This. Was. Great! She'd always loved stories of knights. And now she was standing in a place where real knights did battle! At least that's what she got out of it, her listening comprehension might have gone a bit out the window when she heard the word 'knight'. But either way she was beaming and happy to be here.

Dezzy:

Chaqueta got a small chuckle out of Obi still hitting his head regardless of warning. Once she was out she took a quick lay of the land. She could only imagine how much fun this dinky little faire was many, many years ago. It never ceases to amaze her how quickly all of this transpired, even in the wake of a festival. Tragedy th as no mercy it seemed, but still, she couldnt help but give a sad sigh.

Lief:

Haori slumped out of the vehicle and blinked lazily as he took a gander at the surrounding area. There was still no telling what that knight-ghost would ask of them, really. Knight tournaments had various events, right? Maybe they would end up going through all of them before they were off the hook....great.

"Weirdly quiet," He mumbled

Zaku:

Alright was that everyone? That looked like everyone. Taking his turn to get out of the car, Obi took in the air and looked over the fairegrounds. Damn...it'd been a hot minute since the archangel had seen something like this. Places that were supposed to be filled with joyous occasion and enjoying the moment. All of that merriment...gone. He frowns slightly at the ruined grounds, but continues onward nonetheless. They had a job to do, and hopefully, a peaceful repent to pull off.

Leona:

Gakuran trailed behind, making sure to stick behind the group. He was uneasy about their task but was hopeful about succeeding. Though, the new faces made him wonder if they would work well together. He would followed behind Obi and commented to Haori "Quiet, but lets enjoy it while we can and take time to prepare".

Eevelion:

No sooner did Spanx ask how to find the quarry than from a distance came a hearty “HAHA!”, with a loud whinny and the beat of hooves approached a stout (aka, short, real manlet like) figure clad in heavy black armor on the back of an impressive ghostly stallion. Slowing to a trot in front of the party they would proclaim “HARK KNAVES, FOR THOU HAST ENTERED THE DOMAIN OF THOUST TRUELY, SER GAIUS GRIMSLY VON DATENSHIRE, THIRD OF HIS NAME. FOR WHAT PURPOSE DOST THOU TRESPASS UPON THESE GROUNDS, SPEAK QUICKLY, OR I SHALL HAVE THEE DRAWN AND QUARTERED!” The handler would bury their face in their hand before addressing the group “Alright, here's your quarry, try to calm them down, if it gets too hot we'll make the call, good luck, me and the driver will be watching from nearby.” With their piece said the two of them would walk off, staying within viewing distance.

Lief:

"Interesting," Haori said under his breath. "Uh, which of us is spokesperson, exactly?" This was a little louder, enough for everyone to hear.

Haori didn't see himself as capable enough to speak for the entire group....or smooth enough. How were knights supposed to talk? He couldn't get into a character on command.

Gigi:

Well, something was coming back to Braces, but he wasn't sure what it was exactly...none of this crew really seemed to get what was going on at a ren faire though. He crossed his arms, grimacing...he may actually have to intervene?

Zaku:

Oh woah, right to it, eh? Uh...alright, Obi will step in.  Not too far, but a good half-step at best.

Sera:

Spanx replies to the knight meekly, "Apologies Sir Gaius, we, uh, didn't mean to trespass. We're here to, um, what was that word again? Halibut."

Zaku:

"Greetings, Sir." He speaks up alongside Spanx. "We are....travelers of sorts here to...seek why you reside on these grounds."

Gigi:

Braces pinched his nose. This was horrible. He wasn't sure how much of this he could take. He looked almost close to tears, even.

Dezzy:

For the event, Chaqueta wore simple dress and she gave a polite curtsy toward the knight as the others spoke.

Lief:

Haori tugged at his collar. The whole...whatever he was wearing...it was a little tight across the chest, and stuffy. Not like the loose clothes he normally wore. This whole thing felt like a stageplay, which- as far as he understood- wasn't far off from what a ren faire actually was. He remained carefully quiet, aware that any snarking could easily get them all in big trouble right now. Time and a place for everything.

Leona:

Gakuran followed suite with the group by acknowledging the knight with a nod. But he didn't feel the need to respond verbally. He instead would analyze the ghost size and environment to get an idea of what might happen. Gakuran would glance over at Brace and respond "Theres no need to cry, we'll be fine"

Eevelion:

The ghost would think about Spanx's comment before realizing what they meant “HA, WHAT A JEST, YOU MEAN THE HASTILUDES! THOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED EARLIER, IF THOU WISHES TO PARTICIPATE IN THE GAMES OF HONOUR THEN SO BE IT, WE SHALL MAKE A TOURNAMENT OF IT!” He'd rear his horse before trotting toward another section of the fairgrounds “COME, THE ARENAS ARE READY, AND BE SURE TO BRING THY STEED.” At this he'd point his lance towards their 'steed', the van they had arrived in, the keys still in the ignition.

Lief:

"Our- our what." Haori deadpanned. "Are we- does the van have a name? Does it need a- never mind." He sighed. He needed to learn to roll with the punches better.

Gigi:

Well, that went...well enough, despite the lack of decent acting. Braces raised a brow in disbelief though as his gaze panned from the van back to the ghost. He knew the not-yet-passed had some issues with denial, but .....it'd been a while since he really had to deal with it.

Dezzy:

As amusing as the ghost was, Chaqueta couldnt help but make a quick note of how the thing registered the van as a horse. "Seems like his perception of reality is different from ours, she whispered. We can use this to our advantage? I wonder to what extent it goes to. We could pass off makeshift props as the real thing if so."

Gigi:

"That'd be ideal, actually," Braces blinked, his volume matching Chaqueta's. "Angels shouldn't lose track of their own weapons, but that can save us from causing any unecessary harm. Nice catch."

Eevelion:

Crown was starstruck, a real life knight! And they even challenged them to knightly games, today was surely going to be amazing! She broke out of her trance momentarily when the knight headed off, jogging a bit to keep toe with them.

Leona:

Maybe the Knight was looking at the raw horsepower of the Van, but that was beside the point. However, it seemed like the rest of the group was already planning. Gakuran would then focus his attention on Chaqueta "That is a good point, I'll keep that in mind." Since it was a strategic advantage, Gakuran complied and headed toward the van. However being much taller than most people also had disadvantages. He'd struggle a bit till everyone else caught up to crown and relocate their steed. Good thing he didn't have his armor on, otherwise the knight my mistake this as a joust.

Zaku:

Obi nods along with the group and follows along with Crown.

Sera:

Spanx blushes a bit after realizing she misspoke. Halibut is a fish you idiot how could you mix that up she mutters to herself. She shuffles behind Obi as he follows Crown. The closest thing to a tree she could hide her shame behind.

Zaku:

Shhhh, your shame shall be resolved by the tree, young Spanx. All is forgiven, child.

Gigi:

Following the hunch suggested from Chaqueta, Braces made an ever so slight detour to dislodge a rod of what he assumed was some sort of metal since it was still intact. He was no lance user, but it'd come in handy and he had no idea how well old faire ruins would be stocked, anyway. who knew who raided these things for weapons even if they were props.

Lolo followed after, nearly sprinting to keep up; she was simply observing at this point since she was...probably too young to remember this phenomenon.

Eevelion:

Gaius led the group to what seemed like a long track, a pole stretched along the middle “AND SO WE COME TO OUR FIRST CHALLENGE, CHOOSE THY CHAMPION, FOR UPON THIS FIELD WE ENGAGE IN THE JOUST!” Having said his piece, he positioned himself at the far end of the track. Seems like, as Gakuran was afraid of, someone would have to duel him in a Joust, but another question remained, who would be the 'horse'?

(One person must participate as the Jouster, another must participate as a Driver)

Leona:

Unknowingly Gakuran signed up to be the steed by driving the Van. He'd show up at what looked like a parking space; without the knowledge that this was his starting point. Having been  away from the group, he didn't catch what they were doing. So he'd sit in the van and observe. "I wonder whats going on out there, did I hear 'Joust' "

Dezzy:

"Eyepatch here," she said while point towards Braces. "Seems like he'd make a good jouster. He got the pole and the beef to handle it"

Sera:

"A joust sounds like a pretty intense first challenge. I might be able to stay on pretty well but I don't know about knocking him over. Maybe someone else should..." Spanx hoped she didn't sound like she was putting this off on others. She was trying not to let her nerves get the best of her but a real life ghost, even a small one, was still intimidating up close.

Lief:

"I weigh like as much as a cat," Haori provided flatly.

Gigi:

Braces looked over at Chaqueta with a sour face. "I got this just in case! .....Geez, I guess if someone had to though, I could....,"A hand paused on his chest before working at the pole, his suspenders not in their usual spot.

Eevelion:

Crown would stand on one foot as she gave Braces a little cheer “You can do this Mr. Braces! I know from experience that you're plenty strong!”

Gigi:

He gave a sigh. "Fine, you guys don't look like you've even so much as eaten a turkey leg with a fool jingling beside you anyway," He hopped up on the van's roof, giving a tap once he finally got up there. Sure was weird to do this on a car roof, but it wasn't like training or even finding mustangs was a good idea either. "Ready when everyone else is."

Dezzy:

"I have no idea what that means, but thank you anyway!" She said clapping her hands together and giving him a sarcastic smile.She took a couple steps back to where Crown was and would cheer for Braces and Gakuran from the sidelines.

Eevelion:

With his opponent in position, the ghost would loudly proclaim “MAY THE FIRST ROUND BEGIN! CHARGE!” Readying his lance he'd Charge towards the two, Gakuran would pull the car Forward, and Braces would Block atop it.

Despite Braces' preparing for the attack, the Ghost's lance manages to find purchase, hitting him and setting off his balance on the car, though he manages stop grounded.

Sera:

Spanx roars from the crowd, "Hang in there Braces!! You can do it!"

Zaku:

"Give it your all, you two!" Obi shouts alongside a swell.

Gigi:

That'd hit harder than Braces was anticipating; he tried to use the pole's shape to his advantage to grind the attack back but, that kind of backfired, the ghost being too strong and pushing him back.

Dezzy:

Chaqueta winced, she felt that. Still, she continued to clap for the angel.

Leona:

How did he get roped into this. Sadly it was too late to back down, so he braced himself for impact. Thankfully the vans weight helped disperse some of the brunt force. "You okay up there?"

Eevelion:

The commotion seemed to be drawing a bit of a crowd, fauna ghost starting to congregate around the arena, the ones present perking up at Gaius' strike against Braces.

Gigi:

"I think so? Dealt with worse. Whatever," He waved it off, though the other guy couldn't see him doing it. he rubbed his arm. Christ, that smarted.

Eevelion:

Circling around the arena, Gaius would CHARGE toward his opponent again, as Gakuran rounded the corner Braces would prepare to DEFEND, and as the two were about to meet... Gakuran stepped on the gas, BOOSTING towards the collision.

In the collision Braces defended valiantly, but the Ghost's strike was still too strong, breaking his guard and nearly tossing him off the van.

Gigi:

A "God FUCKING damnit!!" could be heard, ponytail flapping in the wind as he was doubled-over on the roof.

Leona:

Gakuran simply looked up and covered his face with the brim of his hat. "Good grief" maybe luck wasn't on their side today.  "I'm guessing you are still ali- dead right?"

Gigi:

"Don't remind me," he covered his eye, groaning. too soon. "God I wanna end this man's whole career."

Eevelion:

As they circled again, Gaius ever so slightly shifted the lance is preparation to BLOCK Braces' incoming STRIKE, as the two get closer Gakuran once again BOOSTS.

As they collided, Braces' lance hit the ghost's, but not with enough force to break their guard, the magnitude of the collision rebounding to him and hurting his arm.

For one final time the two teams circled around the ring, the ghost preparing to strike, Braces, fatigued from the blows he had taken he was scarce able to take another hit and was knocked off into the mud.

Gigi:

Cue a very comedic roll off. he's gonna be fine, he's an angel, who cares. at least he didn't get stabbed in the eye again.

Dezzy:

Big oof. Maybe those muscles were just for show in the end. "Maybe one of us will do better in a different event."

Leona:

Gakuran having felt the rumble of a body, stopped and started to reverse. Once he reached Braces, he'd exit out of the back to help him into the Van and out of there. "Hey we did our time, you need a smoke?"

Lief:

"Brutal," Haori winced. He was glad it wasn't him up there. He'd have been catapulted in a single hit. If anything speed was his game, but he was less experienced than any angel in their group might be. He was beginning to wonder if He would even be any use here.

Eevelion:

The ghost would trot up to Braces' side with a chuckle “A VALIANT EFFORT, I APPLAUD YOUR BRAVERY FACING ME. DO NOT FRET YOUR FAILURE FOR LONG MY FRIEND, THE DAY IS YOUNG AND THE CHALLENGES WILL BE MANY.” Rearing the horse away he would lead the group towards their next trial, the interested wild ghosts following behind like a group of fans.

Gigi:

He waved a hand, grimacing. "god, no. I'll pass." He wasn't a smoker by any stretch of the imagination, and all he could think about is how much fucking mud he was getting all over the van. At least the ghost seemed a good sport about it all. He'd hate to be dealing with an angry one right now, all things considered.

Zaku:

Yikes. That look like it hurt.

Eevelion:

Gaius led the group to a fence, he would dismount before pointing to several targets in the distance “BEHOLD, FOR THIS WILL BE THY NEXT CHALLENGE, A SIMPLE ARCHERY CONTEST, CHOOSE THY CHAMPIONS MOST DEFT OF AIM.” He would pick up a bow and arrow near the fence, preparing himself for the contest.

(As many players as want can participate in this at once)

Gigi:

Braces groaned and grabbed his arm, watching this all unfold. At least archery had less risk to leave anyone in a state of dishevelment. "Don't look at me, guys."

Dezzy:

"I'll offer myself as tribute," wow what an archaic hunger games reference.

Sera:

"You can do it Chaqueta! Get us a win!"

Lief:

Haori bit back a snort at the poor joke, but rolled a shoulder to loosen himself up and stepped forward as well. He wasn't the best shot, but he wasn't bad either by any means. The more the merrier...or something. "You have my bow," he offered pulling one from- did he just...pick that off the ground?

Leona:

Having been battered around by the jousting, he declined "Someones gotta watch the Van, this guys only one good arm."

Eevelion:

“THEN THESE ONES SHALL BE MY OPPONENTS” boomed the ghost, wasting no time nocking the arrow and pointing it towards the middle target and letting it fly, watching as it embedded into the middle ring. “HA! A FINE SHOT TO START THE SHOW.” Meanwhile, a lizard like ghost had manned a scoreboard, changing a score meant to represent Gaius to 4.

Zaku:

"Kick his ass, Chaqueta!" A bit overenthusiastic there Obi,  but the rally cry is definitely appreciated.

Lief:

Haori took a step forward, readying his bow first. If nothing else, he at least knew how to shoot archery. He might be a little rusty, but...he pulled into stance and made sure not to twist his elbow. His eyesight wasn't so good these days...still, the close target looked pretty clear. that ought to make for a decent shot. He lined it up and let fly- thwip went the arrow as it smacked into the bullseye mark.

"That's a pass," He sighed in relief. Not nearly so impressive as Gaius, but a good start.

Dezzy:

Chaqueta was feeling a bit bold, so she grabbed a spare rickety bow and arrow and launched the thing with as much confidence and vigor as a professional. She managed to hit the outer most ring, but missed the next time she fired.

Still, that was better than the critical failure she was expecting having never done something like this before so she was satisfied.

Eevelion:

As the Score Ghost changed Haori's score to 3 and Chaqueta's to 1, Gaius, feeling cocky after his last shot decided to be so bold as to fire on the farthest target, as he pulled back and released the arrow he was... a bit disappointed as it landed nowhere near the target, his entourage of ghosts seemingly disappointed as well.

Gigi:

Braces tried not to be too loud but he was definitely on the edge of his seat and pretty happy about all this before wincing and recoiling back to clutch his arm more.

Lief:

Haori was also feeling a little bolder. He nocked an arrow and let fly toward the middle target....the arrow fell short. He could practically hear the sad little wop wop wop noise as it clattered to the ground. "Welp," he muttered. He'd just have to put it all in for the last round, then.

Zaku:

A soft "Yes" along with a casual fist pump comes from Obi. He's a proud tree.

Eevelion:

Crown waved a ratty old flag she found to the side, cheering on her team's archers.

Dezzy:

Chaqueta kept her hands steady and breath held in until she released her arrow soaring through the distance and NAILING a bullseye on her target.

She jumped a little, surprising herself and was giddy as a horse, stomping her feet hooves in celebration.

Zaku:

Another fist pump. Fuck ye FUCK YE-

Ooop, don't get too excited there, Obi. Keep chill.

Eevelion:

The score ghost would reluctantly bump Chaqueta's score up to 4. Gaius meanwhile, deciding to be safer with his shot went only for the close target, firing an arrow and sticking it directly in the middle, 2 points. “AND SO I END THIS CONTEST WITH SIX POINTS, LET US SEE HOW YOU FARE, MY FOES.”

Gigi:

A soft "nice!" can be heard in the background.

Dezzy:

Chqueta waved off to the others, still proud of her second attempt before, recklessly aiming another arrow for a slightly more ambitious score. However, her arrogance would be her downfall as the arrow completely missed the target.

"Ah shoot." Now she felt embarrassed. She looked away from the others, too shy to see their, she assumed, disappointment.

Lief:

Haori aimed at the close target again. Two shots meant a better chance for points, right...? God, he hadn't done this in forever.

His fingers slipped as he loosed the first arrow- it came close but ended up sailing past the target without hitting it. The second....thunked into the ground several feet away.

"Ah, for shame. How ever will I face my people." He droned. He wasn't all that upset, he hadn't been expecting to win anyway.

Gigi:

Braces rubbed at his eyepatch, that was rough.

Eevelion:

The Score Ghost snickered a little as it saw it didn't have to change the scores. “ANOTHER VALIANT EFFORT MY FRIENDS, IT WOULD SEEM THE WINDS WERE NOT IN YOUR FAVOR, PERHAPS YOU SHALL FIND GLORY IN OUR FUTURE ENGAGEMENTS, NOW COME, WE HAVE COMPLETED HALF THE TRIALS.” Without another word he mounted his steed again and head toward a tent, beckoning the others to follow.

Leona:

"Looks like we werent the only ones with bad luck." Chimed Gakuran, with a beer in hand. "Though, you alright eyepatch?"

Lief:

Haori shuffled back in a slouched state, not particularly bothered. This ghost seemed really docile, honestly. Perhaps it had only been hassling travelers because it wanted people to do these events with. It was possible it would be satisfied just as long as they spent time with it so it could play. Kind of like a kid...

Then again, there was really no knowing for sure until the end.

Gigi:

"Aye, tis but a flesh wound," he replied to Gakuran, looking a little sour. "What's that ghost gonna do to me? Kill me again?"

Zaku:

Oh they're moving? Looks like they're moving. Obi follows.

Lief:

Haori stifled a laugh as he overheard the remark.

Leona:

"Probably but i think its having much more fun kicking our asses. " At least they were trying and didn't have to win. That made it a little less sour. "Kudos on giving it a warm up though"

Dezzy:

"Kinda wish the plague would come take me out I'll say," she joked. Even if she had failed she couldn't help but smile through it all. Genuinly it was pretty fun.

Lief:

"Hey, you kicked MY ass at least. You see that shot that fell short? Awful." He offered a crooked grin as he leaned against a fence post. "I thought I'd remember how to do this shit better,  but I guess I'm getting old or something."

Zaku:

"Hey, you made some damn good shots though." Obi complimented her, giving the reporter a pat on the shoulder.

Gigi:

He was following the rest of the group, begrudgingly this time, really hoping there wasn't arm wrestling involved for the next stunt. "Thanks I guess, I just wish I could've done better, is all...," he groaned, scratching his hair with his uninjured arm.

Sera:

"Everyone did pretty good. Don't feel dismayed." Though having not contributed yet she has no right to judge anyone else's performance.

Eevelion:

As the party continued on to their next destination they would enter a tent and be greeted by a number of oaken barrels piled up in the back, radiating a strange menacing aura. “AND SO WE COME TO OUR THIRD CHALLENGE, A SIMPLE DRINKING GAME, WE WILL DO ROUNDS OF DRINKS, THE ONE WHO STANDS WHEN ALL OTHERS HAVE FALLEN SHALL BE PROCLAIMED THE VICTOR, PICK THY STRONGEST OF CONSTITUTION, ALL CHALLENGERS WELCOME! He'd plop down on a wooden bench, his armor creating a thunk despite his small stature.

Sera:

Spanx steps forward confidently, "I sat out the other two contests so it's at least my turn!"

Dezzy:

Despite her hubris, Chaqueta appricated the reassurances being given. Though soon as they entered the tent Chaqueta immediately lite up. BOOZE. ITS BEEN MONTHS SINCE SHE LAST HAD ALCHOHOL.

Zaku:

"...I'm with her." He's tall enough, might as well test some sort of body alcohol theory.

Gigi:

"You guys have at it."

Braces didn't seem eager to get involved in this one either, even if alcohol would help dull the pain.

Leona:

Having got a head start, Gakuran was game. He'd catch up to the crowd and join up. "At least this seems more fair"

Lief:

Haori waved his hand. "Not like I haven't been blackout drunk once or twice by this point in life anyway. Go big or go home," he smirked.

Eevelion:

The ghost entourage would bring up the first round of drinks “ALL RIGHT MY FRIENDS, I WISH YOU LUCK, AND BOTTOMS UP!” Raising the mug to his face he would chug the drink down, it evidently hit him pretty hard, already having him look pretty wet behind the ears.

Zaku:

Oh damn, ale. When the fuck was the last time Obi drank? It feels like a hot minute, but a challenge was a challenge. Taking the frothy mug, he follows suit with the ghost and chugs it down no sweat. Hmm. Ain't bad. He was waiting for it to be at least a bit off given the state of the world, but that's a solid mug right there. He slams it back down with ease.

Leona:

"This is the best thing to happen all day" Taking the round with nothing more than an easy gulp. "Not bad, give me another".

Dezzy:

Sweet alcoholism take her down. She pounded the drink down like a champ and knocked over her empty cup with gusto, "Fuck yeah, hit me again!"

Sera:

Spanx downs her drink. "This goes down surprisingly smooth for something that's been sitting abandoned for god knowns how long."

Lief:

Haori sniffed his drink. He had to be honest, his tolerance was fine, but something was just off about this stuff. And not in a rotten food kind of way. Well, no point chickening out now.

"Bottoms up," He mumbled, and tilted his head back to drain the mug.

...and then he continued tilting until he was on the floor. On his back. Groaning sickly. "Okay, I'm. Done." He choked- just before passing out. Something wrong indeed.

Eevelion:

As the entourage brought the second tray Gaius snatched a mug and downed it, as he came back down he slapped the table with raucous laughter “HAHAHA! SEEMS I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO HOLD MY DRINK, ANOTHER HIT LIKE THAT AND I DOUBT I'LL BE STANDING!” he would continue laughing and shaking the table as his opponents took their drinks.

Leona:

Spoke too soon, as this drink was one too many. This one combined with the other would be his undoing. After finishing, he'd gracefully lay down and let everyone else suffer instead.

Gigi:

Well, this wasn't looking good. Braces was grabbing his mouth in his hand, looking around. Hm.....

"Dude you shouldn't have had that beer before you went into the tent." he finally muttered as Gakuran went onto the ground.

Zaku:

Obi takes another hearty swig of that ale. The fizzyness is startin' to get to him just a teensy bit, but other than that, it's a damn good mug.

Leona:

Gakuran having drunk too much could only mutter back "Worth it" knowing that he was gonna fail anyway but free alcohol was free.

Dezzy:

Her hubris is rmtruely her down fall, for even with a side of bread Chaqueta was shitfaced. She didn't really care, hiwever, it seemed from his giggly she was.

"Heeheheheheh...." She slumped against Obi, unable to support herself. " oops a daisy I did a fucky wuckyyy... You smell good."

Zaku:

Anotha' one? Anotha one. And the alcoholic content is starting to get to him, but he's still got things under control. Hopefully.

Eevelion:

As the table started to clear, the bartender ghosts brough out 3 more drinks, Gaius grabbing his and chugging "HAHA, BARELY HIT ME, SEEMS IM GETTING MY SECOND WIND!"

Sera:

Spanx manages to finish her last drink and mumbles out an, "I'm sorry, that was just a little too much," and falls forward, snoring into her arm.

Zaku:

The sight of a shitfaced chaqueta though did earn a snicker from the archangel as he held onto her shoulder.

"You did the best you could, dear."

Eevelion:

One more tray, two drinks, Gaius took his mug and clinked it to Obi's "CHEERS MY FRIEND! THIS WILL BE THE DECIDING FACTOR!" Tilting it back he'd chug, then slump his head onto the table, he was done.

Gigi:

Casually, Someone was popping in and tampering with the ale. The ghosts didn't even seem to notice, nice.

Zaku:

Obi takes that third mug and drinks it whole, slamming the mug down after another good chug and looking back at his ghastly competitor, a glint of determination burning in the archangels eyes.

Gigi:

The culprit clenches his fist quietly, trying to remain unseen yet.

Dezzy:

"Woo woooo~" Chaqueta drunkenly cheered on. God was Obi always this sexy?

Eevelion:

And so, Obi stood alone among a pile of drunk nearly-to-fully passed out people, the sole victor. The attendant ghost's bringing out pitcher's of water to help bring people back to their feet, this would be a good time to give everyone a breather.

Sera:

Spanx wakes up, eats some of the bread and proceeds to talk, "Slo, diwd hwe hwin?"

Lief:

a splash of water got Haori back to his senses. He wasn't happy about being damp, but the glass offered to him for drinking helped clear up the dizziness surprisingly well. What was in that ale, he wondered. Normally he could knock back a good clip of shots of something nice and strong before he needed to quit.

"Spooky," he sighed, and stretched. Looked like everyone but Obi had seen the same fate. "At least we finally took one, I gather?"

Eevelion:

Crown would cheer Obi on “Congrats Obi! You got the first win of the day! Though I didn't realize drinking contests were really a knightly thing, maybe I should be taking notes.”

Zaku:

Alright, up you go, little lady. Obi picks up Chaqueta princess style, helping up Spanx along the way. And Haori as well.

Gigi:

"Its more a thing people do to flex on each other, but I figure it works for shows of manliness or whatever as well,"  Braces interjected as he stretched himself out--arm still hurt but it felt good to not be crouched down after a nice victory.

Zaku:

Oh and cheers from Crown as well? This day was already made.

Zaku:

"Honestly? Neither did I. Think it's some sort of valor thing. But  I'll definitely count it as a victory."

A head ruffle for you, godkid.

[missjackil]

A Dose of SPN Positivity!

For those who know me, they know I love this show.... flaws and all! im critical sometimes, but not overly. Bottom line, I am addicted to the story and Im in love with Sam and Dean.  With Season 14 about to start, and we’re all getting antsy, too much negativity has been flying around, so I want to share some things i love most about the show, and maybe make some of you reflect for a moment and think “Yeah, that is pretty great” and smile.  Supernatural has been referred to as “The Little Show That Could” and to me, its such a fitting description. Logically, on the surface, it looks like it just can’t. I mean, how can a fantasy/horror show, survive with such a low budget, light special effects, and not very scary most of the time. I mean hell, they dont even have that many monsters that look like monsters, so why has it lasted longer than a season or 2? Let alone, 14 seasons with no signs of stopping yet. First and foremost is obvious. Sam and Dean and the actors who play them.  This essay will be full of gushing about these boys, so if you dont feel like enduring such a hardship, scroll on past. if that interests you.....

Yes these 2 fabulous men are the life blood of this show. Without them, we’d have nothing. THEY are the reason, this little show can, and does. Even those who like one and not the other, even if they dont realize it, the one they prefer is who they are because of the other. Both of their qualities and flaws can be directly linked to their influence on each other. If for some reason the other was gone for good, the one left will change drastically. As we see when one is dead or in grave danger, albeit temporarily, the other changes. Sam is no longer sweet, laid back and practical, and Dean is no longer funny, charming, and nurturing.  In fact, they both seem to become an amplified version of their brother. When Sam dies, Dean gets quiet, sometimes too quiet. He also gets methodical and focused. You may get lucky and just get shot in the back, but if he chooses to speak, he chooses his words to let you know shits gonna hit the fan. “You have my brother, and you have one chance, just one, to hand him over, and if he isnt in one peice, when I find you, and I WILL find you, I will take you apart” Sam on the other hand is boiling over with emotion. My boy becomes savage. He doesnt always choose a lot of words to say, he gets his whole point across most of the time with “WHERES MY BROTHER???!!!!” This... my friends, is good stuff! These things couldnt be done with such beauty without Jared and Jensen. Their offscreen relationship, whatever it may be, is wonderful. Theres no denying the love and respect they have for each other. They are very supportive of each other, and help make the other better at their job. They’re not typical actors who have a work relationship but otherwise spend time with each other. They genuinely enjoy being together, and this shows on screen. When two people are this good at their jobs, and with each other, you just have to keep watching. Other things I love about the show, are kinda small. Some maybe youve never noticed, but maybe now you will and enjoy them too, like... Brains vs Brawn: At first glance, we all go Sam=brains, Dean=brawn right? But thats not actually the case. Dean is far from stupid, and Sam is nowheres near a wimp. Dean teases Sam about being a nerd, and Sam doesnt mind, he kinda wears his nerdiness like a badge of honor. Dean will never admit to being a nerd, but he is. He’s read Vonnegut, knows every old west cowboy statistic, and likes LARPing. Sam, though a bookworm, is one tough mofo. hes tall and muscular and has shown to be a little freakishly strong. He can also take a great deal of pain. And though Dean is known more to be the fighter, he can be very warm and nurturing. And nerdy Sam can make you shit your pants with just a look if you piss him off just right. I absolutely LOVE this balance!! Its one of my favorite things! Old school vs New; A lot has changed in 14 seasons. The brothers have grown, as well as the story, but their roots are never forgotten. They’re still driving around in the same car. Hell. Baby has become the 3rd lead! Even though they have mom back, they never forgot her, or dad, and both were spoken of often throughout the series. They refer back to old days often, so we can all get a feel of nostalgia when we remember too. Most episodes bring the deep past up in one way or another, I love this! Loss and Death: I know so many of us complain that they die and come back too much, but I have a real appreciation for it, The circumstances are always different, and so are the methonds of coming back. Sometimes the death isnt serious, or they dont “seem” dead, like in First Blood or Dark Side of the Moon, when there may have been an initial “wtf?” we got to see them in heaven, and in first blood, they came right back. However there was deep seriousness in All Hell Breaks Loose, No Rest for the Wicked,  Do You Believe in Miracles, Swan Song, Red Meat and Beat The Devil that you felt the dying brother’s physical pain, and then the emotional pain of the surviving brother.  No matter how many times they die, they still hit these types of episodes out of the park. WE may know theyre coming back, but they dont. it still crushes them and I love this! Sam and Dean’s Sexuality: I love that their sexual natures are different, but theyre both okay. Dean is sexually active, enjoys porn and vocalizes some fantasies, Though Sam can tease him a little, its just brotherly ribbing, its not judgemental or trying to make Dean feel bad. Sam isnt overly sexual, he’s gone many seasons without sex at all. He doesnt appear to enjoy porn, we know he doesnt like strip clubs, and its NOT because he’s unattractive!! Dean teases him but he doesnt try to make him feel bad. When he has heavily suggested that Sam get laid, its just because he wants him to have fun. Dean even said he appreciated that Sam wanted to stay pure and waited. Otherwise, its okay that Sam is (at least kinda) asexual. Neither are shunned or judged because of their sexuality. Winsync: This is one of the greatest things. if they didnt do this, we wouldnt care, we would never say “It would be a much better show if the brothers mirrored each other, or did the same thing at the same time” but for whatever reason, TPTB wanted this, and it works so well! Its an intimacy we can see without the show going OTT bromantic. Its the connection, the closeness, and being soulmates. I LOVE this! Soulmates and Brothers: Normally a show will make soulmates out of lovers. It’s not often they do it with siblings. It helps justify their deep love and devotion. It adds an additional layer to their relationship. It makes them so tied together that they will share eternity in heaven together, and not just in their memories. This was a very good decision made by Kripke and crew, so we will all know they cant live without each other, even if they just lived in different homes. I love this! Meta Madness: Though I dont like all the meta episodes, I do love the fact they can do them, and DO do them. Because the whole premise is the supernatural, nothing is impossible, even AUs and cartoon worlds. Sometimes I might roll my eyes, but its awesome to me that they can experiment this way and see how it goes. I Love this!! The Bros are Oblivious: Sam and Dean have been through basically everything, and have seen and done everything, yet they seem shocked when people say theyre famous, or when they heard people tell stories about them. Occasionally they grasp their importance, like when they tell people they save the world, but they were impressed that Asa fixed killed 5 Wendigo, and had an Angel Blade, and Father Luca met the Pope. I mean God hung out at the bunker and made them pancakes! Their Heads Dont Get Too Big: Every once in a while, TPTB make sure we, and the boys, remember that they are only human. Even if they lock away Satan, kill Death, save God’s life, they’re just men. Remember when Bobby died and Dean was sure he wouldnt because “its just one bullet!” ? I can see how it would seem so silly to Dean, and even to us, that someone who has lived through so much, could die from a stupid little bullet. I think that one of the smartest things the show has done in ages, was to have Sam tortured by Toni and friend. Sam was so bold and cocky (and need I say sexy?) telling Toni he’d been tortured by the devil himself, and what could she do to him... He soon learned Hell torture or not,  cold showers still suck, blow torches to the feet still hurt like hell, and a mortal human can still fuck with his head. And Dean, well he can still be put on the injured reserve list from a jacked up leg. IMO S12 was great for re-humanizing the Winchesters. I love this! Comedy to Tragedy: Some of the best episodes, started out funny and ended in a tear jerker. Mystery Spot, Just My Imagination, and Beat The Devil top my list. I love the emotional rollar coaster, Coming away exhausted from an episode is the bestthing I can ask for! They havent tried it the other way around, tragedy to comedy, and thats good. If you are crying at the beginning and laughing later, it doesnt justify the grief and you may feel let down and hollow after. SPN is great with having some humor in even the most depressing episodes, but they know when using it and leaving it out is best. I love this! Brohugs: My #1 favorite thing, aside from the hug in 6.1, they have all been beautiful. Not once, have the boys lost the love, or even repeated the same hug. Each one conveys a different message, a different emotion, but all say “I love you more than everything” and I wont ever get tired of them! I would do anything for a single hug in my whole life that had such love in it, as any Winchester bro hug! I.LOVE.THIS!! Now I hope if you read this far, you got to smile a few times, and a spark was added to the fire that you fell in love with 14 seasons ago. Here’s to S14, i hope its filled with all of these wonderful things!

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

[ithisatanytime]

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

[ktrsss1fics]

Cheeseburger in Paradise: Four.

When she decided to come on this trip, she was wary about how much fun she would have. She had conditioned herself to work so much that she didn’t really know what true fun was.

To her, fun was only reserved for her days off and it usually involved catching up on television shows or doing a load of laundry.

When she was invited to do things with her friends, it was hard to remove herself from work.

Being in a tropical place with a group of people who she actually liked without having to worry about work was a foreign concept to her.

She liked it though. Even though she wasn’t accustomed to it.

So far, her fun consisted of sitting in some tourist trap bar watching an Irish boy in a Hawaiian shirt that cost more than her car payment drunkenly dance to a mediocre reggae rendition of “Margaritaville.”

They were currently at the fourth bar of the night and the amount of alcohol in their systems was starting to show.

It was a really good time. Just as the chorus started, Niall pulled Brittany towards him and the two danced together. He went to dip her but she wasn’t ready for it. In one fell swoop, Brittany was dropped on her ass and Niall was covered in her blue colored drink. The entire group couldn’t help but start laughing.

Tears started to stream down Georgina’s face as she clutched her stomach. She hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time.

Niall wiggled his way towards her.

“Real smooth Ni.” She giggled making him smile.

“I thought she was a ballerina.” He said sliding his arm around Georgina’s shoulder.

“No that’s Maggie.” She said sipping her drink.

“Fuck you’re right.” He laughed leaning up against her.

“How’d she do in the water today?” Georgina asked nodding towards her best friend.

“A lot better than I did.” Niall admitted.

“Not surprised.” She said looking up at him.

His blue eyes lit up. “Why?”

“You just didn’t want to lose your chair to me so you psyched yourself out.” She winked.

He shook his head biting back a smile. She smirked knowing that he had appreciated her sense of humor.

Niall leaned over and tried to steal her straw with his tongue. She rolled her eyes before holding out her drink for him to sip.

“Shit that’s good.” He said impressed. “Want another one?”

Georgina nodded. “But I told you I was gonna buy the next round.”

“Enough outta you. I’m buying you a drink.” He said.

“Niall-” Georgina started to say as he stole another sip from her drink.

Niall took his arm off of her shoulder. “You get the first round at the next bar.”

“Fine.” She sighed dramatically.

“Good. Be right back. ” He smiled before leaning in and pecking her lips gently.

As soon as his mouth left hers, he froze. His eyes shut as he silently cursed himself. He hadn’t meant to kiss her. He had wanted to since the day they met but he never imagined actually doing it.

His relationship with Georgina was complicated. He liked her a lot but for some reason she wasn’t too fond of him. As much as it bugged him, Niall had never worked up the courage to ask why.

He opened one eye cautiously. He was expecting to find the death glare of a raging woman but instead he was met with a very surprised girl with rosy cheeks.

Before she was able to chew him out, he headed towards the bar.

As he waited for the bartender, someone nudged him. He turned to find a very smug looking Brittany waiting for a drink. Niall opened his mouth to apologize again for dropping her but she just shook her head.

“I’m surprised she didn’t punch you in the face.” Brittany said with a grin.

Niall’s sighed closing his eyes. “You saw?”

“I’m the only one. Don’t worry.” Brittany said reassuring him.

“I didn’t mean to.” He said nervously.

“What did her face look like?” Brittany asked.

Niall opened his eyes. “Deer in the headlights.”

Brittany made a face. “Interesting.”

“What?” He asked sounding worried.

“I would have expected her to be mad.” She replied. “You’re growing on her.”

“You don’t know that.” He said glanced down the bar.

“How many times has she called ya by your first name since we’ve been here?” Brittany asked.

“More than she ever has before.” He said.

“See?” Brittany said as a barmaid handed over her drink. “Just apologize and see what happens.”

Niall ordered another round of drinks before turning back to talk to Brittany.

“Will you go give the drink to her when it comes?” He asked shyly.

“Why can’t you do it?” Brittany asked.

“I’m scared.” Niall admitted sheepishly.

“You swam with a fucking shark today.” Brittany replied sternly.

“So?” He said resting his hands on the bar.

“Georgina Ferguson is nowhere near as terrifying as a shark.” Brittany said placing a hand on his shoulder. “Trust me.”

Niall grunted before looking at the floor. She had a point. He swam with sharks. He played Madison Square Garden to a sold-out crowd three nights in a row. He had done a lot scarier things in his life.

“I’ll keep an eye out and swoop in if you need me help.” Brittany offered.

Niall just nodded as the barmaid handed over two freshly made margaritas. He took a deep breath before heading back to where he had left the girl he had bombarded with a kiss.

He briefly rehearsed an apology while weaving in and out of people. The moment he saw her face he forgot everything he had planned to say. She was singing along to a song about piña coladas.

Her hair was starting to frizz from the heat of the packed dance floor.  A small layer of moisture glistened across her skin as she swayed to the island beat.

She looked absolutely stunning.

And he couldn’t get enough of it.

It wasn’t long before she noticed he had returned. She flashed him a gracious smile as he hand over her freshly made margarita. Niall opened his mouth to apologize but was met by a sour face. He watched as she squeezed the bridge of her nose trying to ease the sudden pain in her forehead.

“Brain freeze.” Georgina mumbled figuring she probably looked crazy.  “Sorry.”

Niall slipped his bottle of beer into the front pocket of his shirt. He reached over and flattened his large palm against her forehead.

Jolts of electricity shot through her body from the warmth of his hand. She tried to think nothing of it but the alcohol in her system and the small kiss moments before sent her mind into overdrive.

“This is supposed to work.” Niall said realizing he hadn’t explained what he was doing to her. “Me uncle taught us two Christmases ago. You have someone put their palm flat against your forehead and then one on the back.”

“Then they put a little pressure and it’ll go away.” He said pressing against her head.

“Irishmen are idiots.” Georgina mumbled.

“Is it working?” He asked looking down at her.

She flicked her eyes open. “No.”

“Well fuck. It’s suppose to.” He mumbled.

He focused a little harder making her laugh. He moved closer making her pulse start to race.

He was entirely too close. His features looked different. His eyes looked bluer. His stubble was starting to make itself known. His natural musk started to mix with the sweet smell of Brittany’s drink that had soaked deep into the fabric of his shirt. It was doing something to her.

She couldn’t take it.

She cleared her throat trying to get his attention. He looked at her confused.

“That was probably just his way to feel up women at bars.” She said softly.

“I mean I wouldn’t put it past him.” Niall laughed nervously before taking his hands away.

Georgina smiled and took a small step back. She took a quick sip of her drink before focusing on something across the room.

Niall ran a hand through his hair before retrieving the bottle from his shirt.

“I’m sorry.” He said placing the bottle to his lips.

Georgina glanced over at him. “For what?”

Before he could respond, Brittany appeared out of nowhere. She stuck out her drink for Georgina to try.

The moment was ruined.

Niall took a step back allowing the two women to talk. He noticed the rest of their friends making their way over and he knew their time was limited.

“Everyone finish up cos we out.” Jamie slurred sliding his arm around Maggie and Jenna’s shoulders.

“Lets go to the fancy bar next.” Jenna giggled.

“Lets go back to that sports bar.” Dave said leaning up against Brittany.

“We can decide outside.” Keith said. “Just finish yer drinks already.”

Georgina took a large sip of her drink. She didn’t want to be the reason why her friends were waiting. She watched Niall finish off his bottle effortlessly.

She didn’t want Niall’s money to go to waste. She tried to finish as much as she could but knew she couldn’t finish on her own. She tapped Niall on the shoulder and raised her drink towards him. Without hesitation, he took a hold of the glass and finished off the rest.

“Fuck.” Niall mumbled as his eyes shut tight. He scrunched up his face trying to combat the sensation taking over his sinuses.

She wanted to laugh but she didn’t.

Instead, Georgina reached over and placed both of her hands on his head. Her hips rested against his as a funny feeling formed in his stomach.

He opened his eyes and found her watching him closely.

“It helps doesn’t it?” She said with a smirk.

“Why do you always try to make me feel like a creep?” He asked with a laugh.

“Just a bit of banter.” Georgina said.

“What the fuck are you twos doin?” Keith called out causing everyone to turn towards them.

Niall could feel his entire body grow warm from the attention.

“Oh fuck off.” Georgina called back keeping her eyes on the boy in front of her.

“Why’s he get special treatment n that?” Keith asked.

She took her hands off of him before turning around.

“You gonna buy me drinks and give me a chair from your million dollar house?” Georgina asked with an attitude.

Niall tried to interject but before he could Georgina reached over and smacked his chest.  Brittany started laughing.

Keith attempted to find a comeback but nothing came to mind.

“That’s what I thought.” Georgina sassed.

“Let’s go.” Brittany said trying to help out her friend.  

“You heard the lady.” David said.

Two hours later, they had ended up at a tiny dance hall that made them feel at home. A round of Jell-O shots had just been thrown back. Jamie was leading a dance circle to some tune by Wiley with a few other Brits they had met two bars back. Brittany and David were completely engrossed with each other.

Georgina sat in between two boys in a booth sipping on her millionth margarita of the night. The boy on her left was plotting how to approach a group of American girls across the room after being rejected by an Aussie at the last bar. The boy on her right had stuck by her side all night and was currently on a drunken rant on about tropical plants.

And if she was being honest, she thought it was pretty cute.

“Fergie,” Niall said finishing off his Guinness. “You ever hear of the phile-philed–fuck– the philodendron plant?”

She shook her head. His eyes lit up.

“They are pretty cool. I’ve sure you’ve seen ‘em before.” He said.

“What’s so cool about them Ni?” She mumbled.

“Well the name literally means love tree.” He said in awe. “Can ya believe it?”

“That’s cute.” She said setting down her drink.

“They are reproduced by these little fuckin beetles. Not bees like most flowers but beetles. And they have some berries on them that smell like garlic to attract animals to help spread their seed.” Niall rambled on. “Like imagine if some Italians got lost around one?”

“Or a vampire.” Georgina said causing him to crack up.

“You’re like proper funny Fergie, y’know that?” Niall smiled picking up her drink.

“Thanks Ni.” She blushed as he stuck her straw in his mouth.

“I’m thinking about getting some new plants for the house.” Niall said between sips of her drink. “Maybe a philodendron or some pothos plants.”

“The Devil’s snare plant?” She asked trying to remember what he had mentioned earlier in the night.

“Devil’s ivy.” He corrected her politely.

“Right.” Georgina nodded. “Those ones are prettier.”

He shook his head. “You are ridiculous.”

“What?” She laughed.

“Nothing.” He blushed. “Did you know there is a type of philodendron plant that has heart shaped leaves?”

“So the love tree has heart leaves? Fuck off.” She said skeptical.

“Swear on me life.” Niall giggled. He pulled out his phone.

“That sounds like some made up Disney shit.” Georgina said.

“It’s not.” He said as she rested her head on his shoulder.

He pulled up a picture of the cartoon like plant and she was impressed.

“You should get that one.” She said. “Maybe it’ll bring you positive love vibes.”

Niall rested his head against hers. “That’s a good idea.”

“Why aren’t ya out there with them?” Georgina asked softly.

“Too drunk to dance.” He sighed. “Can’t believe I just admitted that.”

“Need to alert the press. Irishman admits to defeat.” She teased.

He leaned forward to set down her drink causing her to sit up.

“Whoa, whoa whoa. No one’s admitting shit.” He said with a laugh.

“Hmmm. Don’t know about that.” She teased.

“You’re the one who put your almost full drink down first.” Niall pointed out.

“Only so you could have some.” Georgina said.

Niall rolled his eyes making her laugh.

“You know you love me Horan.” She said picking up her drink to finish it off.

"More than you even know.” He mumbled  as Craig David came on.

Georgina started to sing-along to the song to push back the comment he had just made. She was joking but she knew he wasn’t. Brittany’s words from the beginning of the trip had made her hyper-aware of everything that boy said. She tried to keep it from bothering her but it was tough.

He was cute and a for a majority of this trip she was drunk so her walls were down. And he had kissed her.

He kissed her. It may have been brief and alcohol-infused but it happened.

She had drunkenly kissed people before. But his kiss was different. It was natural and almost instinctive for him. And maybe deep down she had wished it lasted longer but she couldn’t admit that to anyone. She had built their relationship on the foundation that she couldn’t stand him. If she admitted that she wanted to kiss him, drunk or not, she’d be a hypocrite. That wasn’t something she was ready to face just yet.

She glanced over to find Niall singing along to a song that was popular when they were kids. His eyes were glowing and a drunken smile was plastered across his face. He looked like he was having the time of his life. She found it annoying that he still sounded good even though he was completely pissed.

He was growing on her and she hated it.

"Take a picture Fergie.” He teased catching her staring. “It’ll last longer.”

"My lens would break then.” She retorted.

Niall laughed before turning his full attention to her. “Fergie?”

"Hmm?” She mumbled looking up at him.

"I’m sorry for kissing you earlier.” He said shyly. “It was wrong of me.”

Georgina could feel her entire body grow warm. “It’s okay.”

"It’s not.” He sighed. “I should have known better.”

"Ni–” She started to say but he cut her off.

"It was an accident. It just sort of happened before I could stop it. And actually I’m surprised you didn’t punch me lights out.” Niall rambled. “Why didn’t you?”

"Uh I uh.” She rambled trying to figure out a reason why she hadn’t reacted.

He gave her some time to gather her thoughts. She didn’t have an answer for him though. He had caught her off guard and she didn’t know what to do. The girl that they knew was starting to change.

"I just wanted to say it won’t happen again.” He said pulling her back in.

"What?” She said not catching what he said.

"It won’t happen again. I don’t need you hating me even more or comparin’ me to Keith.” He joked nodded to their friend who had just gone on the prowl.

"You’re much more fit than Keith.” She said watching Keith chat up a girl.

Niall’s face turned pink as he cleared his throat nervously.

"You don’t like me complimenting you, do you?” Georgina asked glancing at him.

"Just not used to it I guess.” He said.

She turned towards him, “We can go back to talking about plants if you want?”

Niall laughed softly. She started going on about some facts she knew about this flower she had learned about while reading a travel magazine. He appreciated her attempt to get things back to neutral  territory.

He didn’t want to admit that by doing so it was only making him fall deeper for her. If this trip did anything, it was let him know that he needed to be with her every second of every day and that was scary.

He had a lot of work to do but she was worth it.

[tumblunni]

OH MAN Why Am I Dead At Sea is SO FUCKIN GOOD

god I’m full of FEEEELS and THEORIES and GAHHHH I cant talk about ANYTHING about this game without spoiling stuff!! So I’m gonna make a spoilery ramble post woo! I havent actually finished it yet so this is spoils for like... up to the very last bit before the start of the final chapter. And I’ll try and talk about stuff in order so like, if you dont mind seeing a few spoils then you can read halfway thru i guess?? I just really wanna be able to reccommend this game and gush about characters without having to talk spoils!! GAHHH!!

ANYWAY U CAN BUY IT HERE Its really cheap and really worth it! Its even on sale right now so its £1.50 instead of £3! DOUBLE CHEAP!! But absolutely remember to backup your savefiles frequently, there’s a pathfinding glitch that can make the game unwinnable. And its a damn shame cos that nearly made me stop playing before I got to any of the good bits! Its easy to avoid once you know about it, at least.

Man, I’m so sad the gameplay has that one big glitch cos its really cool aside from that?? Its super basic and probably not everyone’s cup of tea though, this is a game that you’d only enjoy if you’re the sort of people who like when a game has like.. a codex of extra info you can collect.  There’s not as much ‘control people to affect the world’ as you’d expect, its 99% controlling people to unlock different dialogue options. All word puzzles and stuff! And the easiest way to get out of being stuck is just to methodically possess everyone you havent possessed yet, and talk to everyone and click on everything using them. I can imagine that’d be frustrating for people who like.. weren’t already doing that anyway. I Wanted to do that instantly cos I wanna find all the optional insights into everyone’s character! And some funny moments and sweetheart moments and AAAA I care about these people too much already... Oh, and its even more reason to love Paulo cos he gives you tips if you chat to him, and can even outright tell you the solution if you get really stuck. So for players who dont like being all completionist on the dialogue, he’s a very useful helper! I just wish that the ‘outright give you the solution’ option was better labelled so you dont click it by accident. Its just ‘tell me more’, I didnt know itd ruin the current puzzle for me :P

And MAAAAAN this game gets really trancey and atmospheric and I cant even really explain why?? You spend the whole game within this one small area but stuff gets opened up over time and things are revealed about seemingly innocent areas when you gain the new abilities of different people you possess. And how the player character is just this ethereal floaty flame, and how you get used to all the rules of how it works, and how neat the lil animations are. And how you start memorizing the place and all the details about everyone and getting REALLY DETERMINED to protect them GAHHH And the soundtrack is REALLY GOOD

PAULO IS MY SMALL SON PLEASE TELL ME I CAN PROTECT HIM FOREVER tiny necromancer boy aaaaaa he’s so lonely aaaaa he’s on this ship cos he has to ride it all the time on his own to get back from boarding school, his parents cant be bothered to pick him up and he’s just SO YOUNGGGG aaaa he’s like a child prodigy, he’s going to this big scary boarding school several grades above him and his parents are so distant and everyone thinks he can just handle everything because he’s smart and on top of all that he has to keep the secret that he can see ghosts, and theyre like his ONLY FRIENDS even though he only gets to talk to them for a little while before they pass on. YET HE STILL KEEPS HELPING THEM! He says all ‘oh im only summoning you for selfish reasons, I want you to save everyone else on the ship’ but he still helps you resolve your own death even when he knows it means he’ll never see you again. He has to mourn his best friend every damn time he makes one! Aside from that all he has is his teddy bear, showing just how young he really is and how much he FUCKING NEEDS GOOD PARENTS no matter how damn smart the poor kid is and AAAAA... And when you start getting clues about who you maybe are, it gets even sadder cos he’s like... “I didnt know her well but... I liked her. She helped me with my geometry homework.” God he had just ONE MOMENT of incredibly ordinary minimal friendship with this lady and then as soon as he’d got his hopes up THIS SHIT HAD TO HAPPEN! No wonder he locked his door for the entire cruise and refused to be near anyone except his new ghost friend. And gahhh he must have had his suspicions from the start about who it was that died, as soon as she didn’t come back to help with his homework. From his perspective this was just like an inevitable conclusion and he was begging you to find any other answer...

MORE SPOILERY SPOILER I was so fucking terrified when his door finally opened, and all you see inside is empty space. I mean it was a punch to the gut indeed that someone else died that we only really just met, but I’m WAY more terrified that the main sidekick for the whole game is potentially gonna die! He’s just vanished though, so I’m hoping that whether you save him or not is what determines the bad endings? So it IS possible to save him right?? SPOILER ENDDDDDDD

I’m still really confused how to feel about Xu though. I mean she’s such a huge jerk but I still cant help but feel sympathy for her?? And I feel like.. if I am supposed to hate her then its kinda annoying that the game brings up all these sympathetic concepts just to sorta discard them, they only exist to be her failed excuses for her actions. I dunno, its just sorta messed up. But it also means that if I AM supposed to agree with her actions then its messed up too?? And either way its frustrating cos she’s the only chinese character in the cast and her plot is so... gah. She’s this jerkass to everybody and she steals from the customers and then her excuse is ‘but I’m so poor and I’m a minority, how dare you yell at me for stealing’ and then she NEVER GIVES THE STUFF BACK and you never have any option to tell anyone?? And its so messed up cos like.. Anton actually IS a privilaged guy and I can see why she’d be mad that he’s in this job because he ‘wants to travel’ whereas she has to take it because she’s literally homeless. I mean if they actually discussed that then it’d be a good plot. And its a shame you cant bring up the secrets you find about Anton even when you get full possession of him, you find out he also had a meltdown and flunked out of college cos he just couldnt handle it, they could have been able to bond over that and realise they were both having misconceptions about each other’s motives for things. Like, she saw him as some guy who just chose to drop out of the education she wishes she could go back to, because he’s soooo rich and he can do whatever he wants. And he’d never considered how good he’s got it, and how other people are denied the same opportunities, and how he can use his privilage to help make the world fairer for these other people! Its just.. like.. you dont even find out that Anton IS rich until AFTER the conversation about Xu stealing his stuff, so it comes out of nowhere and feels like the game is saying privilage is a stupid concept thats not real and its being used as an excuse for her to be horrid. Either that or its on Xu’s side and its saying shoplifting is fine as long as you steal from white people?? And like.. Anton didnt do ANYTHING to make it seem like he deserved it, as far as we see. He’s never even rude to her?? He doesnt seem to do anything racist or classist. Its just like she assumes he;s that way because he’s a rich white guy but the game shows him to be Super Innocent so is it saying that everyone who ever accuses anyone of racism is always lying or.. gahhh?? It just feels like its trying to make a statement but I have no clue what it is! And this is the only time racism is ever discussed so it kinda stands out?? Also.. like.. NOBODY ever discusses the name issue?? Its really confusing, cos even her steam trading card calls her ‘Xu/Sue’. Ingame EVERYONE calls her Sue except herself and the interface. But its never drawn attention to, or explained?? So like, am I actually meant to assume that everyone is mispronouncing her name? But there’s no option to not do it! Or to bring up the subject! Anyway I just CANNOT stop feeling sympathy for her every time I see the damn wrong name in all these text boxes. Even if she’s an abrasive asshole half the time she feels like she has some sense of morality deep down, and that she’s been pushed to this extent by a terrible life rather than just choosing to become this sort of person. She’s just kinda like the ‘token evil good guy’ on the team. Even though she’s committing petty crimes it pales in comparison to the bigger horror that’s going on here :P

MAN it felt so damn good to finally get the reveal on Donavan and play as him for the first time! I mean whoa what a good climactic moment! What an uplifting! And what a downlifting when it gets cut short by tragedy, lol I TOTALLY KNEW IT that he was a cop! I mean seriously he was such a clear red herring, he was being pushed so heavily as the killer and we never got to know anything actually about him. And when you read his mind the ‘I WILL FIND YOU. I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU.’ struck me as something that could easily have a double meaning if he was a detective looking for the real killer! It was just SO BADASS when you finally get to control him and you have the power to enter every room and find clues that were locked off for ages! And it feels like you’re finally making progress so it was such a great story decision that the killer gets him immediately afterwards. And how their last taunt to him is that he was NO WHERE NEAR solving the mystery! Its just a taste of power and then its all thrown away and it makes you SO FUCKING DETERMINED to finish what donovan started with your weak lil protagonist hands NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES GAHHHHH

And then finally regaining a humanoid ghost form and being able to unlock the last two people’s tragic backstories by visiting their dreams!! And gahhh it was so interesting and sad that you have to lie and pretend to be the ghost of someone else they care about, in order to get through to them and say what that person would have said if they had got the chance to be the protagonist instead of you. It was actually a genuine huge surprise to learn that Gwen wasnt remotely involved with the murder! Like, she spent the whole game being paranoid that someone is coming after her, and everyone was saying she’s JUST paranoid, and then it turns out she WAS just paranoid! But I love that the game is actually sympathetic to her paranoia and shows how it’s a legitimate mental illness. Its left more mysterious than a lot of the other backstories, but it seems that her father or uncle or someone abused her and her sister when she was a child, and her sister was killed while she escaped. And even though its over she’s been haunted by the belief he’ll find her any second now, causing her to destroy her own life through reckless decisions, jumping up and running away every time things start getting good in her life. She doesnt even know where she’s running to! And GOD I really liked how you resolve it, you dont just cure people’s mental illnesses by giving them a  motivational speech. But you help them feel like they’re able to endure it, that they’ll get better someday and that they should accept help from therapists. And NOT BLAME THEMSELVES for being sick! I just really liked the line “yes, this is a living nightmare, but if you’re awake you can change things”.

And when you do the similar dream sequence for Darryl there’s an even better climactic line! Its like, after a whole game of him blaming himself for his wife’s suicide, going over a bazillion different scenarios of how he could have prevented it, you just say... “I was sick, there was nothing you could do.” There isnt some magical REASON why she became depressed, her life with him was as happy as he could have given her. It wouldnt have just stopped if her life was perfect, she had to get treatment, its an illness. It wasnt anyone’s fault, it was just a bad stroke of chance that she never told anyone about it and never got a chance to be treated, or even to talk it through with her husband at all. Her diary is just full of her feeling guilty that she must be making it up because she loves her husband so much and it’d be like insulting him to admit she isnt happy within her own skin, when he does everything to be the best husband he can. Goddd.... its so sad that its BECAUSE THEY WERE HAPPY that she was in this position where she never sought help! Where she just shouldered it herself and hoped it would go away on its own! And god, you get to see that Darryl does indeed have antidepressants in his room, unlike her he did seek therapy and its just because of his guilt that he isnt fully accessing that help. And he’s taking these drugs instead of his proper medication, and he’s planning his own suicide at the end of the trip. And god, you get to talk him down from it and say what his wife wanted to say, and save him from meeting the same fate as her! You’re just sick, Darryl. She was sick too. Its not anyone’s fault that someone stays depressed, nothing can magically make depression go away, you have to see a doctor like with any other illness. You cant just talk it away by telling yourself that you ‘should’ be happy and youre somehow choosing to feel this way...

GODDDD I hope poor mr stubble grandpa is okay after the end of the game And I hope him and Quella stay in touch as friends! Her backstory made me cry too, goddddd She’s been diagnosed with cancer and has anywhere between three and seven months to live, because she was too poor to afford treatment until it was already too late. And she’s just so positive and okay with it?? Everyone else are the only ones crying for her.. She just wants to finish her final novel before she runs out of time, she’s crying more about not having enough inspiration for this. She just wants to be remembered, she knows she cant change her own death and this is the only thing she CAN change... I want Darryl to be her friend and help beta read her novel aaaa And dear god can everyone please be okay and stick together and GOD why can’t protagonist stay T_T I want you all to be safe when I’m gone, my friends. God I get to know them so closely yet never be able to really even talk to them, they’ll just remember me as someone they talked to only once before I died... And DEAR GOD let me rescue Paulo please!!!! everyone be safe please I don’t want to be able to hug Paulo and stay with him forever There is no way this can happen unless the worst possible thing happened I have to say goodbye okay i HAVE TO SAVE EVERYONE if all goes well I’ll never see any of you in person, okay? just let me be a shadow on this boat and pass away with no regrets knowing all of you will live a lot longer than me THIS GAME GETS ME SO EMOTIONALLLLL

[viralhottopics]

If you were an elephant

the world would be a brighter, smellier, noisier place and you would be a better, wiser, kinder person. The author of Being a Beast explains all

Supported by About this content

If you were an elephant living wild in a western city, youd be confused and disgusted.

Youd have one two-fingered hand swinging from your face a hand as sensitive as tumescent genitals, but which could smash a wall or pick a cherry. With that hand youd explore your best friends mouths, just for the sake of friendship. With that hand youd smell water miles away and the flowers at your feet. Youd sift it all, triaging. Category 1: immediate danger. Category 2: potential threat. Category 3: food and water. Category 4: weather forecasts short and long range. Category 5: pleasure.

Grumbles from trucks and cabs would shudder through the toxic ground, tickle the lamellar corpuscles in your feet and ricochet up your bones. Youd hear with your feet, and your femurs would be microphones. As you walked 10 miles for your breakfast youd chatter with your friends in 10 octaves. A nearby human would throb like a bodhran as subsonic waves bounced around her chest.

Even if it swayed with grass instead of being covered in concrete and dog shit, the city would be far, far too small for you. Youd feel the ring roads like a corset. Youd smell succulent fields outside, and be wistful. But youd make the most of what you had. Youd follow a labyrinth of old roads, relying on the wisdom of long-dead elephants, now passed down to your matriarch. Youd have the happiest kind of political system, run by wise old women, appointed for their knowledge of the world and their judgment, uninterested in hierarchy for hierarchys sake, and seeking the greatest good for the greatest number.

No room here for the infantile phallocentric Nietzscheanism that is destroying modern human culture. If you were a boy youd be on the margins, drifting between family groups (but never allowed to disrupt them) or shacked up with your bachelor pals in the elephant equivalent of an unswept bedsit (though usually your behaviour would be gentler, more convivial and more urbane than cohabiting human males). Your function would be to inseminate, and thats all. Government would be the business of the females.

Youd hear with your feet, and your femurs would be microphones. Photograph: Bruno Guerreiro/Getty Images/EyeEm

Youd be a communitarian. Relationality would be everything. Its not that you couldnt survive alone, although there would certainly be a survival benefit from being a member of a community, just as humans live longer if they are plugged into a church, a mosque or a bowling club. Yes, at some level your altruism might be reciprocal altruism, where you scratch my back if I scratch yours, or kin selection, where you are somehow persuaded to sacrifice yourself if your death or disadvantage will preserve a gene in a sufficiently closely related gene-bearer. But at a much more obvious and important level youd be relational joyously shouldering the duties that come with community because it made you happy. Why do elephants seek out other elephants? Not primarily for sex, or for an extra arsenal of receptors to pick up the scent of poachers, or because they assume that the others will have found particularly nutritious food, but because they like other elephants.

This should be terribly unsurprising. Yet many humans will be surprised. That shows how fully weve fallen for the anthropocentric lie that only humans have minds and real emotions. The lie is the high-water mark of scientific fundamentalism. Fortunately its going out of fashion now, but for years it paralysed the study of animal behaviour.

As an elephant, youd have a mind. You would, no doubt at all, be conscious. All the evidence agrees. None absolutely none disagrees. Youd have a sense of yourself as distinct from other things. When you looked out contemptuously at humans, wondering why they ate obviously contaminated food, opted to be miserable and alone, or wasted energy on pointless aggression and anxiety, it would be your contempt, as opposed to generic elephantine contempt, or reflexive contempt that bypassed your cerebral cortex, or the contempt of your sister. It would be you looking out, and youd know it was you.

Youd have a mind. You would, no doubt at all, be conscious. Photograph: Palani Mohan/Getty Images

The American ecologist Carl Safina argues that elephant X can understand the relationship that elephant Y has with elephant Z whether it is a kin relationship or simple friendship. Just think about that. Think about what it entails for Xs knowledge of itself; for Xs ability to think itself into the head of another, and for the way that X must articulate to itself the concept of a third-party relationship. Perhaps elephants are explaining the world to themselves by formulating, evaluating and selecting propositions a faculty we tend to think of as uniquely ours.

That will be too much for most. Indeed, its a mistake to assume that in order to have a mind one has to have a mind that is like human minds. So lets just say that, according to the evidence, its not obviously ridiculous to invite you, the human, to imagine yourself as an elephant. Theres some biological justification for what sounds like a whimsical, sentimental literary device. You and the elephant both have minds, wrought from the same stuff. And your minds engage with the world using the same devices. Your neurological hardware differs only in sensitivity: sodium and potassium surge in the same way through the same molecular gates when you and the elephant step on a nail; the same ancient hormones mediate pleasure, anger and stress. If you prick us, ask the elephants (using a chromatic orchestra of sounds, and well over 100 distinct body movements), do we not bleed? Indeed they do.

We can be cautiously Beatrix-Pottery with elephants. When the temporal glands near their eyes stream in circumstances that, for us, would be emotional, theyre crying. When a bereaved elephant mother carries her dead baby round on her tusks, or trails miserably behind the herd for weeks, her head hanging down, shes grieving. When other elephants sit for hours around the body of a dead elephant, theyre mourning. When they cover an elephant corpse with soil or vegetation, or move elephant bones, theyre being reverential. When they cover a dead human, or build a protective wall of sticks around a wounded human, theyre showing an empathic acknowledgment of our shared destiny that wed do well to learn. These, dear reductionists, are, as you would put it, the most parsimonious hypotheses.

Youd smell water miles away and the flowers at your feet. Photograph: Simon Eeman/Alamy Stock Photo

If elephants have minds, and minds (as seems likely) can extend beyond the brains in which we conventionally assume theyre situated, wed expect them to tune into distant elephants, and perhaps into the minds of other species too. There are some tantalising hints that they can. Safina was told by a keeper at a Kenyan elephant sanctuary that the resident elephants knew, from distances well beyond the reach of ordinary senses, that other elephants were on the way just as Kalahari bushmen know, from 50 miles away, just what a hunting party has killed, and when it will return. When the elephant whisperer Lawrence Anthony died, two groups of elephants that hed rescued came to his house on two consecutive days. They hadnt visited for a year.

Perhaps one of the reasons were so keen to deny non-human creatures minds, consciousness and personhood is that, if theyre people, theyre embarrassingly better people than we are. They build better communities; they live at peace with themselves and arent, unlike us, actively psychopathic towards other species. They know, and take account of, a great deal more information about the natural world than we do.

Back to the shamanic fantasy: youre a city elephant. Youll inhabit the city much more intensely and satisfactorily than most of its human denizens. All your senses will be turned fully on. You wont, like most woefully unsensual humans, use only your eyes, and then translate the visual images into self-referential abstractions with only a slight and dysfunctional relationship to the real world. Youll be much more properly local than any cockney, New Yorker or Madrileo, though you call Africa your home. Youll know far more of the city than any geographer, historian, zoologist, botanist, policeman or lover. By trying to become an elephant, you might become a much more thriving human.

Be careful, though. Youre likely to end up dead because someone wants a couple of your teeth.

Charles Foster is a fellow of Green Templeton College, University of Oxford, and author of Being a Beast. Some of the speculation in this article is based on elephant lore recorded in Carl Safinas Beyond Words: What Animals Think and Feel.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2iTOUgO

from If you were an elephant

[apsbicepstraining]

Jordan Shakeshaft, Life by Daily Burn

There was a time a few years back when I couldnt sleep more than four hours a night. I would stay up thinking about work and relationships and looming events. And Id wake in the middle of the night to the panic of a mish-mash of incomprehensible thoughtsor worse, the jagged whisper of my dads last breath. My bed wasnt a place of restorationit was a place of unrest. For someone who loves sleep more than hugs, high fives, and new kicks, this was source of major distress.

My problem wasnt uncommon: generalized anxiety disorder. But, like the other 6.8 million Americans with the scarlet A stamped across our furrowed foreheads, it was just life. And the plight of restless nights? I was in the company of 50 to 70 million. Thankfully, my sleep habits would slowly improve over timebut I could still count on one terrible, no-good, sub-five-hour sleep at least once a week.

Then, just last month I plopped that normal New York existence into a proverbial blender and pressed puree. I was moving to the Wellness-Obsessed Capital of the World: Los Angeles. Despite the immediate assault of sunshine and the purchase of a stupidly expensive new mattress (still worth every penny), I was contending with new work hours, new fears (OMG, driving) and people who seemed so nice (but wait, whats the catch?). Within two weeks I was Googling day spas, yoga studios, and meditation centers like a woman possessed.

RELATED: 8 Signs Youre Way Too Stressed (And How to Deal)

Thats when I came across Dream Reality Cinema in Beverly Hills. Not to be confused with your average popcorn-slinging movie theater, this one plays a single film designed to induce dream meditation. Think: eyes wide open, in a floating state of consciousness. Once students master that form of zen, they can move on to lucid dreaming, or the ability to stay conscious while dreaming. (Yup, that means you can control what happens in your dreams, Inception style.) And thats not all: Some believe you can achieve a higher level of thinking, problem solve more effectively, and tap into a greater world of creativity in such a state.

I made an appointment, and promptly added: Next-level ish to my to-do list.

Lucid Dreaming: The Premise

According to the founders, Hungarian philosopher and human cybernetics researcher Sandor Lengyel and physician Emese Toth, MD, the first step to dream meditation requires a bit of guidance. Thats where their 40-minute film comes in, based on 25 years worth of studies on dreaming, relaxation and meditative techniques.

As with other forms of meditation, dream meditation taps into your present thoughts, sensations and emotions, butyou guessed itin a sleepier state (my forte). And while wide-awake meditation practitioners have to deal with physical stimuli around them, dream meditation does two things differently.

[While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itself.

First, it removes those outside influences, allowing people to theoretically reach a meditative state more easily. As Lengyel puts it, Lucid dreaming is the perfect meditation, because there is no way for your conscious mind to interfere with the practice. Second, it increases the possibility for growth and change, since certain regions of the brain are more active in a dream-like state. (Namely, parts of the visual cortex, motor cortex and motion-sensory areas deep within the brain, according to some sleep experts.)

Thank You!

You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

Dr. Toth explains: When we are able to live consciously in our dreams, our colorful, real and memorable dream life can develop and become connected with our wakeful life. All this brain boosting on top of the traditional meditation benefits, like reduced anxiety, improved sleep and increased productivity, to name a few.

RELATED: True Life: 60 Minutes in a Sensory Deprivation Tank

Whats more, theres a healthy dose of Inception to lucid dreaming: The film [thats shown in the studio] provides a precisely engineered brain-regenerating program, says Dr. Toth. More specifically, it flips a switch on natural processes that have otherwise been turned off in our heads, such as the ability to think freely and creatively, she says.

This might be explained by the fact that during sleep-mode, the prefrontal area of the brain becomes less active. This is where logical reasoning resides. [While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itselfIt can behave naturally and unrestricted because nothing forces it to behave otherwise, Dr. Toth says. What results: Restoration, serenity, invigorationor, well, whatever your heart (or head) desires.

Dream Reality Cinema: The Experience

On the Uber ride to Dream Reality Cinema, I scrolled through the studios testimonials. Unlike anything Ive ever experienced before so relaxing My driver pulled up to the corner and I hopped out. No fluorescent marquee, but the whitewashed boutique was undeniably 90210-chic.

Inside, I checked in with the receptionist, who escorted me to the two-person cinema room. She invited me to take a seat in a cushy, zero-gravity leather chair. (Note to self: BYO meditation date?) It reclined just past 180 degrees, my head a few inches below my feet. My guide requested that my glasses come off. Sorry, but Im blind? Thats OK, she said. The super-fancy wraparound specs came on, and she directed my finger to the adjustable focus so even near-sighted folks like me could see.

Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

I asked if I could somehow take notes. She chuckled, assuming I was kidding, and handed me a plush blanket to tuck myself in. (She clearly did not know of my ability to text and Instagram in my sleep.) She asked if I need anything elsewater or tea? (Another note to self: BYO Swedish Fish.) I slipped my sandals off as the lights in the room faded to black.

To start the session, newbie lucid dreamers required a primer. A short, animated introduction video offered a few key tips. The first, Just let yourself react freely. Meaning: Do not force yourself to mediate, concentrate or, like this writer did, attempt to take mental notes for her article. When text appears on screen, do not zero in to read the words. Instead, maintain full-screen vision. That is, seeing everything at the same time. As you should do in life, as well, the creators explain. It was 4 p.m. and my brain-slash-life was already foggy from the day. Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

RELATED: This Is Your Body on Sleep Deprivation

What followed was a winding path of visualizations to coax me into the elusive conscious-yet-dreaming state. At one point I was prompted to imagine I was a tiny pebble falling into a vast body of water. I played along. Falling, falling and, sure enough, the rest gets fuzzy. My expertly-crafted sensory experience (just as I suspected) had turned into a warm and glorious slumber. How long was I asleep? Would the receptionist know?

I peeled my eyelids apart and settled back into the film, as I was coached to do. Positive affirmations floated to the screen. My thoughts drifted over to my new LA life, my people, my kittens, my self-worth, my ability to conquer whatever lies ahead. Basically, my inner Jessica was telling me I can do anything good!

I was conscious, that I knew. But was I getting closer to lucid dreaming mode? I waited patiently for my higher-level abilities to kick in. Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself. Just like Elliot from Mr. Robot chanted during his own reality-bending, hyper-woke episodes. But something (possibly my sudden hunger pangs or late-onset fidgeting) told me I wasnt quite there.

Moments later, the film concluded and my trusty guide tiptoed back in.

Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself.

Did I like the experience? I think so.

Did I feel different now than when I walked in? Sorta.

Did I manage to find a dream-like meditative state? Definitely maybe?

Like a kid who stole the Butterfinger and knew she had to come clean, I told her I maaayy have fallen asleep. Once. OK twice. Lady, I fell asleep three times. But I swear I didnt mean to!

She reassured me that was totally normal. In fact, most people do on their first visit, she said.

Living in a Dream: The Assessment

During my hour-long session, no, I did not learn how to lucid dream. And I shouldnt have expected to. Dr. Toth explains that lucid dreaming takes many sessions of practice and self-analysis. Only with continued practice will individuals learn to remember, control and eventually unlock valuable information stored deep in the subconscious mind.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently.

Instead, the dream meditation session teaches you a fundamental skill that you can build upon: [How] to have an active and independent consciousness instead of being a passive follower of someone or something, says Dr. Toth. Those guilty of moving robotically from one day to the next? Shes talking to us.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently. Sometimes we experience a more evolved way of thinking, a type of expansion, Dr. Toth says. This is where the so-called boost in creativity, memory function, and other positive changes take place.

As for the claims that dream meditation will normalize sleep or stress disorders? For me, TBD. While I did sleep like a champ that night, the founders emphasize that any long-term improvements will require a lengthier commitment.

So is this the ultimate brain hack? Or the most fantastical placebo effect this side of the San Andreas Fault? Maybe it doesnt matter. If youre taking 60 minutes of your day to clear some headspace, that in and of itself might be the win. At least it was for me.

Dream Reality Cinema has two locations: Los Angeles, California, and Budapest, Hungary. The studio currently offers one film, Dream Meditation, but is working on a new program, Active Dreaming, which will delve more deeply into lucid dreaming. Each session is $45 and a monthly unlimited membership is $200.

The post appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2vV4Gwy via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

Jordan Shakeshaft, Life by Daily Burn

There was a time a few years back when I couldnt sleep more than four hours a night. I would stay up thinking about work and relationships and looming events. And Id wake in the middle of the night to the panic of a mish-mash of incomprehensible thoughtsor worse, the jagged whisper of my dads last breath. My bed wasnt a place of restorationit was a place of unrest. For someone who loves sleep more than hugs, high fives, and new kicks, this was source of major distress.

My problem wasnt uncommon: generalized anxiety disorder. But, like the other 6.8 million Americans with the scarlet A stamped across our furrowed foreheads, it was just life. And the plight of restless nights? I was in the company of 50 to 70 million. Thankfully, my sleep habits would slowly improve over timebut I could still count on one terrible, no-good, sub-five-hour sleep at least once a week.

Then, just last month I plopped that normal New York existence into a proverbial blender and pressed puree. I was moving to the Wellness-Obsessed Capital of the World: Los Angeles. Despite the immediate assault of sunshine and the purchase of a stupidly expensive new mattress (still worth every penny), I was contending with new work hours, new fears (OMG, driving) and people who seemed so nice (but wait, whats the catch?). Within two weeks I was Googling day spas, yoga studios, and meditation centers like a woman possessed.

RELATED: 8 Signs Youre Way Too Stressed (And How to Deal)

Thats when I came across Dream Reality Cinema in Beverly Hills. Not to be confused with your average popcorn-slinging movie theater, this one plays a single film designed to induce dream meditation. Think: eyes wide open, in a floating state of consciousness. Once students master that form of zen, they can move on to lucid dreaming, or the ability to stay conscious while dreaming. (Yup, that means you can control what happens in your dreams, Inception style.) And thats not all: Some believe you can achieve a higher level of thinking, problem solve more effectively, and tap into a greater world of creativity in such a state.

I made an appointment, and promptly added: Next-level ish to my to-do list.

Lucid Dreaming: The Premise

According to the founders, Hungarian philosopher and human cybernetics researcher Sandor Lengyel and physician Emese Toth, MD, the first step to dream meditation requires a bit of guidance. Thats where their 40-minute film comes in, based on 25 years worth of studies on dreaming, relaxation and meditative techniques.

As with other forms of meditation, dream meditation taps into your present thoughts, sensations and emotions, butyou guessed itin a sleepier state (my forte). And while wide-awake meditation practitioners have to deal with physical stimuli around them, dream meditation does two things differently.

[While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itself.

First, it removes those outside influences, allowing people to theoretically reach a meditative state more easily. As Lengyel puts it, Lucid dreaming is the perfect meditation, because there is no way for your conscious mind to interfere with the practice. Second, it increases the possibility for growth and change, since certain regions of the brain are more active in a dream-like state. (Namely, parts of the visual cortex, motor cortex and motion-sensory areas deep within the brain, according to some sleep experts.)

Thank You!

You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

Dr. Toth explains: When we are able to live consciously in our dreams, our colorful, real and memorable dream life can develop and become connected with our wakeful life. All this brain boosting on top of the traditional meditation benefits, like reduced anxiety, improved sleep and increased productivity, to name a few.

RELATED: True Life: 60 Minutes in a Sensory Deprivation Tank

Whats more, theres a healthy dose of Inception to lucid dreaming: The film [thats shown in the studio] provides a precisely engineered brain-regenerating program, says Dr. Toth. More specifically, it flips a switch on natural processes that have otherwise been turned off in our heads, such as the ability to think freely and creatively, she says.

This might be explained by the fact that during sleep-mode, the prefrontal area of the brain becomes less active. This is where logical reasoning resides. [While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itselfIt can behave naturally and unrestricted because nothing forces it to behave otherwise, Dr. Toth says. What results: Restoration, serenity, invigorationor, well, whatever your heart (or head) desires.

Dream Reality Cinema: The Experience

On the Uber ride to Dream Reality Cinema, I scrolled through the studios testimonials. Unlike anything Ive ever experienced before so relaxing My driver pulled up to the corner and I hopped out. No fluorescent marquee, but the whitewashed boutique was undeniably 90210-chic.

Inside, I checked in with the receptionist, who escorted me to the two-person cinema room. She invited me to take a seat in a cushy, zero-gravity leather chair. (Note to self: BYO meditation date?) It reclined just past 180 degrees, my head a few inches below my feet. My guide requested that my glasses come off. Sorry, but Im blind? Thats OK, she said. The super-fancy wraparound specs came on, and she directed my finger to the adjustable focus so even near-sighted folks like me could see.

Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

I asked if I could somehow take notes. She chuckled, assuming I was kidding, and handed me a plush blanket to tuck myself in. (She clearly did not know of my ability to text and Instagram in my sleep.) She asked if I need anything elsewater or tea? (Another note to self: BYO Swedish Fish.) I slipped my sandals off as the lights in the room faded to black.

To start the session, newbie lucid dreamers required a primer. A short, animated introduction video offered a few key tips. The first, Just let yourself react freely. Meaning: Do not force yourself to mediate, concentrate or, like this writer did, attempt to take mental notes for her article. When text appears on screen, do not zero in to read the words. Instead, maintain full-screen vision. That is, seeing everything at the same time. As you should do in life, as well, the creators explain. It was 4 p.m. and my brain-slash-life was already foggy from the day. Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

RELATED: This Is Your Body on Sleep Deprivation

What followed was a winding path of visualizations to coax me into the elusive conscious-yet-dreaming state. At one point I was prompted to imagine I was a tiny pebble falling into a vast body of water. I played along. Falling, falling and, sure enough, the rest gets fuzzy. My expertly-crafted sensory experience (just as I suspected) had turned into a warm and glorious slumber. How long was I asleep? Would the receptionist know?

I peeled my eyelids apart and settled back into the film, as I was coached to do. Positive affirmations floated to the screen. My thoughts drifted over to my new LA life, my people, my kittens, my self-worth, my ability to conquer whatever lies ahead. Basically, my inner Jessica was telling me I can do anything good!

I was conscious, that I knew. But was I getting closer to lucid dreaming mode? I waited patiently for my higher-level abilities to kick in. Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself. Just like Elliot from Mr. Robot chanted during his own reality-bending, hyper-woke episodes. But something (possibly my sudden hunger pangs or late-onset fidgeting) told me I wasnt quite there.

Moments later, the film concluded and my trusty guide tiptoed back in.

Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself.

Did I like the experience? I think so.

Did I feel different now than when I walked in? Sorta.

Did I manage to find a dream-like meditative state? Definitely maybe?

Like a kid who stole the Butterfinger and knew she had to come clean, I told her I maaayy have fallen asleep. Once. OK twice. Lady, I fell asleep three times. But I swear I didnt mean to!

She reassured me that was totally normal. In fact, most people do on their first visit, she said.

Living in a Dream: The Assessment

During my hour-long session, no, I did not learn how to lucid dream. And I shouldnt have expected to. Dr. Toth explains that lucid dreaming takes many sessions of practice and self-analysis. Only with continued practice will individuals learn to remember, control and eventually unlock valuable information stored deep in the subconscious mind.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently.

Instead, the dream meditation session teaches you a fundamental skill that you can build upon: [How] to have an active and independent consciousness instead of being a passive follower of someone or something, says Dr. Toth. Those guilty of moving robotically from one day to the next? Shes talking to us.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently. Sometimes we experience a more evolved way of thinking, a type of expansion, Dr. Toth says. This is where the so-called boost in creativity, memory function, and other positive changes take place.

As for the claims that dream meditation will normalize sleep or stress disorders? For me, TBD. While I did sleep like a champ that night, the founders emphasize that any long-term improvements will require a lengthier commitment.

So is this the ultimate brain hack? Or the most fantastical placebo effect this side of the San Andreas Fault? Maybe it doesnt matter. If youre taking 60 minutes of your day to clear some headspace, that in and of itself might be the win. At least it was for me.

Dream Reality Cinema has two locations: Los Angeles, California, and Budapest, Hungary. The studio currently offers one film, Dream Meditation, but is working on a new program, Active Dreaming, which will delve more deeply into lucid dreaming. Each session is $45 and a monthly unlimited membership is $200.

The post appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2vV4Gwy via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

Jordan Shakeshaft, Life by Daily Burn

There was a time a few years back when I couldnt sleep more than four hours a night. I would stay up thinking about work and relationships and looming events. And Id wake in the middle of the night to the panic of a mish-mash of incomprehensible thoughtsor worse, the jagged whisper of my dads last breath. My bed wasnt a place of restorationit was a place of unrest. For someone who loves sleep more than hugs, high fives, and new kicks, this was source of major distress.

My problem wasnt uncommon: generalized anxiety disorder. But, like the other 6.8 million Americans with the scarlet A stamped across our furrowed foreheads, it was just life. And the plight of restless nights? I was in the company of 50 to 70 million. Thankfully, my sleep habits would slowly improve over timebut I could still count on one terrible, no-good, sub-five-hour sleep at least once a week.

Then, just last month I plopped that normal New York existence into a proverbial blender and pressed puree. I was moving to the Wellness-Obsessed Capital of the World: Los Angeles. Despite the immediate assault of sunshine and the purchase of a stupidly expensive new mattress (still worth every penny), I was contending with new work hours, new fears (OMG, driving) and people who seemed so nice (but wait, whats the catch?). Within two weeks I was Googling day spas, yoga studios, and meditation centers like a woman possessed.

RELATED: 8 Signs Youre Way Too Stressed (And How to Deal)

Thats when I came across Dream Reality Cinema in Beverly Hills. Not to be confused with your average popcorn-slinging movie theater, this one plays a single film designed to induce dream meditation. Think: eyes wide open, in a floating state of consciousness. Once students master that form of zen, they can move on to lucid dreaming, or the ability to stay conscious while dreaming. (Yup, that means you can control what happens in your dreams, Inception style.) And thats not all: Some believe you can achieve a higher level of thinking, problem solve more effectively, and tap into a greater world of creativity in such a state.

I made an appointment, and promptly added: Next-level ish to my to-do list.

Lucid Dreaming: The Premise

According to the founders, Hungarian philosopher and human cybernetics researcher Sandor Lengyel and physician Emese Toth, MD, the first step to dream meditation requires a bit of guidance. Thats where their 40-minute film comes in, based on 25 years worth of studies on dreaming, relaxation and meditative techniques.

As with other forms of meditation, dream meditation taps into your present thoughts, sensations and emotions, butyou guessed itin a sleepier state (my forte). And while wide-awake meditation practitioners have to deal with physical stimuli around them, dream meditation does two things differently.

[While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itself.

First, it removes those outside influences, allowing people to theoretically reach a meditative state more easily. As Lengyel puts it, Lucid dreaming is the perfect meditation, because there is no way for your conscious mind to interfere with the practice. Second, it increases the possibility for growth and change, since certain regions of the brain are more active in a dream-like state. (Namely, parts of the visual cortex, motor cortex and motion-sensory areas deep within the brain, according to some sleep experts.)

Thank You!

You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

Dr. Toth explains: When we are able to live consciously in our dreams, our colorful, real and memorable dream life can develop and become connected with our wakeful life. All this brain boosting on top of the traditional meditation benefits, like reduced anxiety, improved sleep and increased productivity, to name a few.

RELATED: True Life: 60 Minutes in a Sensory Deprivation Tank

Whats more, theres a healthy dose of Inception to lucid dreaming: The film [thats shown in the studio] provides a precisely engineered brain-regenerating program, says Dr. Toth. More specifically, it flips a switch on natural processes that have otherwise been turned off in our heads, such as the ability to think freely and creatively, she says.

This might be explained by the fact that during sleep-mode, the prefrontal area of the brain becomes less active. This is where logical reasoning resides. [While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itselfIt can behave naturally and unrestricted because nothing forces it to behave otherwise, Dr. Toth says. What results: Restoration, serenity, invigorationor, well, whatever your heart (or head) desires.

Dream Reality Cinema: The Experience

On the Uber ride to Dream Reality Cinema, I scrolled through the studios testimonials. Unlike anything Ive ever experienced before so relaxing My driver pulled up to the corner and I hopped out. No fluorescent marquee, but the whitewashed boutique was undeniably 90210-chic.

Inside, I checked in with the receptionist, who escorted me to the two-person cinema room. She invited me to take a seat in a cushy, zero-gravity leather chair. (Note to self: BYO meditation date?) It reclined just past 180 degrees, my head a few inches below my feet. My guide requested that my glasses come off. Sorry, but Im blind? Thats OK, she said. The super-fancy wraparound specs came on, and she directed my finger to the adjustable focus so even near-sighted folks like me could see.

Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

I asked if I could somehow take notes. She chuckled, assuming I was kidding, and handed me a plush blanket to tuck myself in. (She clearly did not know of my ability to text and Instagram in my sleep.) She asked if I need anything elsewater or tea? (Another note to self: BYO Swedish Fish.) I slipped my sandals off as the lights in the room faded to black.

To start the session, newbie lucid dreamers required a primer. A short, animated introduction video offered a few key tips. The first, Just let yourself react freely. Meaning: Do not force yourself to mediate, concentrate or, like this writer did, attempt to take mental notes for her article. When text appears on screen, do not zero in to read the words. Instead, maintain full-screen vision. That is, seeing everything at the same time. As you should do in life, as well, the creators explain. It was 4 p.m. and my brain-slash-life was already foggy from the day. Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

RELATED: This Is Your Body on Sleep Deprivation

What followed was a winding path of visualizations to coax me into the elusive conscious-yet-dreaming state. At one point I was prompted to imagine I was a tiny pebble falling into a vast body of water. I played along. Falling, falling and, sure enough, the rest gets fuzzy. My expertly-crafted sensory experience (just as I suspected) had turned into a warm and glorious slumber. How long was I asleep? Would the receptionist know?

I peeled my eyelids apart and settled back into the film, as I was coached to do. Positive affirmations floated to the screen. My thoughts drifted over to my new LA life, my people, my kittens, my self-worth, my ability to conquer whatever lies ahead. Basically, my inner Jessica was telling me I can do anything good!

I was conscious, that I knew. But was I getting closer to lucid dreaming mode? I waited patiently for my higher-level abilities to kick in. Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself. Just like Elliot from Mr. Robot chanted during his own reality-bending, hyper-woke episodes. But something (possibly my sudden hunger pangs or late-onset fidgeting) told me I wasnt quite there.

Moments later, the film concluded and my trusty guide tiptoed back in.

Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself.

Did I like the experience? I think so.

Did I feel different now than when I walked in? Sorta.

Did I manage to find a dream-like meditative state? Definitely maybe?

Like a kid who stole the Butterfinger and knew she had to come clean, I told her I maaayy have fallen asleep. Once. OK twice. Lady, I fell asleep three times. But I swear I didnt mean to!

She reassured me that was totally normal. In fact, most people do on their first visit, she said.

Living in a Dream: The Assessment

During my hour-long session, no, I did not learn how to lucid dream. And I shouldnt have expected to. Dr. Toth explains that lucid dreaming takes many sessions of practice and self-analysis. Only with continued practice will individuals learn to remember, control and eventually unlock valuable information stored deep in the subconscious mind.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently.

Instead, the dream meditation session teaches you a fundamental skill that you can build upon: [How] to have an active and independent consciousness instead of being a passive follower of someone or something, says Dr. Toth. Those guilty of moving robotically from one day to the next? Shes talking to us.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently. Sometimes we experience a more evolved way of thinking, a type of expansion, Dr. Toth says. This is where the so-called boost in creativity, memory function, and other positive changes take place.

As for the claims that dream meditation will normalize sleep or stress disorders? For me, TBD. While I did sleep like a champ that night, the founders emphasize that any long-term improvements will require a lengthier commitment.

So is this the ultimate brain hack? Or the most fantastical placebo effect this side of the San Andreas Fault? Maybe it doesnt matter. If youre taking 60 minutes of your day to clear some headspace, that in and of itself might be the win. At least it was for me.

Dream Reality Cinema has two locations: Los Angeles, California, and Budapest, Hungary. The studio currently offers one film, Dream Meditation, but is working on a new program, Active Dreaming, which will delve more deeply into lucid dreaming. Each session is $45 and a monthly unlimited membership is $200.

The post appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2vV4Gwy via IFTTT