#which is so emo to say but its true. thats trauma babe | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

doebt · 5 years ago

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i honestly think my touch starvedness is why i cant sleep lately. its like going to bed on an empty stomach..i feel like im missing something or like theres something wrong with me like that feeling of when you feel so freaking messed up and eventually you realise its bc you havent eaten all day..like that but i havent eaten in months and i cant just walk into the kitchen and grab a hug out of the pantry or whatever. i just have to suffer

#im not being dramatic..it is the worst..i would rather feel literally anything else #my relationship with physical affection is so messed up already and touch starvedness hits so weirdly and differently #i truly had never felt physical kindness for the first like. many yrs of my life #so when i finally found out how good it is its like. im so obsessed with it. it was easy for a moment #during the yr where i had a real circle of friends...so many hugs...so much handholding..so much #leaning against eachother..for no reason #just to be close #i just couldnt imagine being near someone for no real reason other than to just..be close #bc with my parents it was always like. painful or manipulative or at least very uncomfortable #and then when my other family hugged me or whatever i couldnt disassociate it from my parents and i just couldnt handle it #i was just waiting for it to hurt #which is so emo to say but its true. thats trauma babe #and now a friendly sidehug from literally anyone im even vaguely friends with like...makes my heart race #its insane #everytime i hold hands with anyone for longer than a split second it never escapes my mind #like i never 'tune it out' there is always that constant 'youre holding hands isnt it lovely' in my mind #and it is...it is #and there was a short transition period where i hated hugs even from ppl i was friends with #but im over it now im just obsessed and its like all i care abt. pretty disgusting actually but i cant help it

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