#i just cant stand it. i cant fuckijg stand it.

[maschotch]

sorry but unfortunately i cannot fucking stand the way the writers destroy reid in the later seasons. “he’s autistic so obviously he’s out of touch and doesn’t know what twilight is” shut the fuck uppppp he watches soap operas and is this close to getting a space engineering degree so he can write a dissertation on the construction of the death star. i get its not the height of intellectualism, but you’re telling me he never walked into a barnes and noble and seen YA vampire garbage splayed everywhere in the entrance?? you’re telling me he wouldn’t be fascinated by the cultural phenomenon of publishing fanworks?? even if he never read them (which i mean of course he would) he would absolutely have something to say about the growing accessibility and lowering standards of the publishing industry. the spencer reid i know would read twilight then read every trashy vampire romance rip-off, then watch all of the dozens of vampire movies that came out in that era. sorry im not gonna pretend the certified trekkie doesnt know anything about pop culture just because its pop culture

[29121996]

.

[inutaffy]

“you’ve always been jealous of me!”

“maybe that’s bc you were always splinters favorite!”

“raph. i love you bro.”

DO YOU SEE. DO YOU SEE. THE DUCKCIJF SHIFT IN TBEIR EXPRESSIONS MAN TBE FJCKFGMOFYHEFNEN GHE WAY. THATS HIS BROTHER MAN THATS HIS FUCKFJFG. OUGH. I HATE THIS STUPID SHOW WHAG THE ACTUAL FUCK. THE. THE. “JEALOUS?!” SO MUCH OF HIS EMOTIONS TRANSLATE TO ANGER OR JEALOUSY TOWARDS OTHERS AND IT DRIVES ME FUCKINF CRAZY. MAYBE IT WAS AT FIRST (aka beginning of s1) BUT IT ISNT NOW AND THATS FHE WHOLE POINT THAGS THE WHOLE DUCKIJF POINT. HE ISNT JUST JEALOUS AND AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BRO IS JUST 16 AND WATCHING HIS WHOLE PLANET GET DESTROYED. BRO IS 16 WATCHING HIS FATHER MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIM. BRO IS 16 AND WATCHING WHILE HIS OLDER BROTHER BASICALLY BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON RIGHT BEFORE HIS FUCKING EYES, PICKING UP EVERY BURDEN EVER AND JUST SOLDIERING ON LIKE THIS IS SO FUCKIJF AWFUL.

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

ANYWAYS.

SO YEAH MAYBE HE DOES WISH HE WAS LEADER IF ONLY SO IT MEANT LEO DIDNT HAVE TO BE. IF ONLY SO LEO COULD BE LEO FOR A MINUTE BC YOU KNOW WHAG RAPH IS???? RAPH IS GUILTY. RAPH FEELS SO FUCKING GUILTY ALL THE DUCKIJF TIME AND I DOMT HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO INTO THAT RIGHT NOW SO YOURE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME. TRUST ME ON TBIS I AM RIGHT ABOUT THIS. I CANT DUCKIJG STAND FBIS SHOW.

AND TBH I DONT BLAME RAPH. LIKE IF MYYYYY OLDER BROTHER GOT PROMOTED ONE DAY AND STARTED TRYING TO PULL RANK ON ME I WOULD BE A BITCH ABOUT IT TOO. THE FUCK. MAKE ME ASSHOLE. YEAH. BUT ALSO. AS THE ELDEST DAUGHTER. AND JUST YK. AS ME. I AM ME. ANOTHER THING IS THAT LEO IS JUST. IMPRESSIONABLE? A LITTLE BIT? ESP IN THE EARLY SEASONS. WHICH MAN I CAN RELATE TO. BITCH FIXATED ON A TV SHOW AND MADE IT HIS WHOLE PERSONALITY WHICH I LOVE FOR HIM BUT GOTDAMN. LEO LITERALLY GOES INTO BATTLE IN S1 QUOTING HIS SPACE HEROES SHOW AND MAKING STUPID ONE LINERS AND TRYING TO BE ALL HEROIC BUT IT JUST COMES OFF AS DORKY AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT MAKES ME SAD. HE’S FOLLOWING EXAMPLES AND HE WANTS TO IMPRESS AND HE WANTS TO DO GOOD OK HE WANTS TO GET A GOOD GRADE IN CHILD WHICH IS NORMAL TO WANT AND POSSIBLE TO ACHIVE LIKE LEO IDEALIZES SPLINTER THAT IS HIS DAD MAN HE STRIVES FOR HIS APPROVAL. I DONT CARE WHAT MY DAD HAS TO SAY MOST OF THE TIME BUT FAVING HIS DISSAPOINEMENT???? FUCKINF AWFUL.

AND THEN THE DUCKING KRAANG HAPPEN AND SPLINTER TELLS HIM TO PREPARE FOR LOSSES. PREPARE TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. AND HE REALIZES OH SHIT IS FR. UHM. OKAY. SO MAYBE THIS LEADING ISNT ALL I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. AND HE EXPRESSES THIS. MULTIPLE TIMES. THROUGHOUT THE FIRST AND SEVOND SEASON. AND THEN BE JUST STOPS. BRINING IT UP ALL TOGETHER. HE JUST STOPS. LIKE. DUDE. DUDE. HE WANTED TO BE LEADER SO BAD AT FIRST AND THEN THE HORRORS CAME FOR HIM. HE WAS NOT READY. NOW DONT GET ME WRONG, LEOS IN GENERAL ARE FUCKIJG CRAZY MAN THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LEO IS FULLY CAPABLE OF BEING THE LEADER HE JUST. HE WASNT FUCKING READY YET MAN. HE WAS 15. IM GONNA FUCKINF CRY.

NOT TO MENTION. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT. HE’S KINDA ELEVATED TO THIS PEDESTAL AND NOW HE’S DUCKINF STUCK THERE MAN. LEO KEEPS TRYING TO BE THEIR LEADER AND TO HIM, THAT MEANS HE HAS TO DO IT ALONE. HE’S THE LEADER. YES HE KNOWS THAT HIS BROTHERS WILL BE THERE FOR HIM HE KNOWS THAT HE ISNT ALONE BUT THAT DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY HE IS THEIR LEADER AND HE HAS TO BE ABLE TO STAND ON HIS OWN AND THAT MENTALITY BLEEDS INTO EVERYTHING ELSE AND RAPH (and the others tbh. fuckijg everyone) JUST WANT THEIR FUCKING DORKY CRINGEFAIL LOSER BIG BROTHER BACK. DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

[tallytals]

what if i just didn’t do my school work. what if i just let myself sob hysterically for a minute and then got some popcorn. what then

[blueslight]

Sigh . So one of my friends is incredibly clingy and physical with me right. And if you remember, a few months back we dated for a little bit and I broke up with her BECAUSE she was so unbearably clingy. But like. Shes still fuckin doing it !!! And at this point ive expressed SEVERAL times the stuff i donr want her doing and my general annoyance and uncomfortableness (however you say it) with the way she treats me AND SHE JUST WONT FUCKING STOP !!! And like today i was thinking like if she was a guy and i was a girl thatd be majorly fuckrd up right??? But cause im a guy and shes a girl, instead i feel like a dismissve asshole when her CONSTANT attention/toucbing/noises et fucking cetera makes me shut down and be rude or even just tell her to stop. And like. Idk man i just need to fucking talk abt it w someone like bro im at the end of.my fucking wits like its at a point where i literally GROWL at her when she touches me sometimes AND IT JUST DOESNT SEEM.TO CLICK FOR HER . And likr.goddddd idk man i really like her apart from this stuff but i just cannot fucking stand it anymore how can someone tell you to stop and signalize that he doesnt want you to do what youre doing and literally GROWL at you which like people who know me will know that only rly happens if im like genuinely overstimulated and not abke to mask at ALL yk and like how can you see all that AND STILL NOT FUCKING STOP !!!!!!!! And atp shes one of my only irls im still close to , the other one being my other best friend so like i cant even talk to anyone about it cuz obviously im not gonna talk about her behind her back witb out mutual close friend but like GODDDDDD im at my fucking worst every single break in school cause the minute she starts touching me or pulling her other bs my mood drops to the fuckijg floor and i have zero patience for anything and i bet everyone else thinks im such a fucking dick BUT LIKE I JUST HONEST TO.GOD CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE THIS SHIT ANYMORE mannnn

[cryptidbutchh]

WELCOME TO MY THOUGHTS WHILE REWATCHING THE MCU IN TIMELINE ORDER: CAPTAIN MARVEL

wooshy blue magic and blood. how mysticy and unanswered it is

“wanna fight?” 💥P O W💥 also magic powers she cant use in every fight is a punch of bullshit. kill that dude, carol you dont need him >:T shapeshifting lizards are badguys. got it. also jude law is hot as hell

rescure mission. totally gonne get ambushed (update) FUCKING TOLD YOU IT WAS AN AMBUSH. NOW YALL LOST THE MAIN CHARACTER. WHO APPARENTLY LOST HER MEMORY. stupid lizard people

women airpilots fuck yeah! and possibly has a a girlfriend?? lesbian captain marval??——FUCK UP THEM LIZARDS. punch them in their stupid faces. fucking skRulL

BLOCKBUSTER

COULSONNN- FUURYY :D FIGHT BUT THIS TIME ON A TRAIN! +car crashes bc fury cant fuckinn drive. and apparently punching old ladys- SHES A IMPOSTOR. ew the shapeshifting is gross and horrifying. 6/10 do not recommend

awh stan lee, my heart hurts

of course car-coulson is a fake. next thing ya know a cat is gonna be some fucked up lizard. dead lizard man in a car is dead, yay. also more fuckedup techy shit and a old computer

ew gross perverted men, you steal his motorcycle. and alien autopsy is very ew. and old boss looking mf is also lizard how fucked are yall that you cant even trust the old boss looking guy?

“if toast is cut diagonally, i cant eat it.” yall heard it here first. fuck diagonally cut toast. photon blast go brrr

“everyone calls me fury.” thats gonna be important later on

this bastard got upset she had to lose the flannel she had on? shes gay. new info in the hall of records show one- old lady is a alien. and two- CAROL IS HUMAN AND TWAS ON EARTH

fury you mcfuck dont call in for backup. she has space blasters IN HER HANDS. thats someone you wanna fight??? old boss guy said nick. told yall it would be important

SPACE LESBIAN SAVES EARTH FRIEND FROM ALIEN LIZARD(NOT CLICKBAIT)

FLYING JET THINGY HELPS EM GO SEE CAROLS FORGOTTEN GIRLFRIEND! also HIDDEN CAT

“auntie carol” FUCKING FUCK. stupid child. carol and mariah are inlove yourhonor. and i will die on this hill

awkard neighbor interactions. blegh. JESUS FUCK THE LIZARD IS IN THE HOUSE. lizard men good??? good guys bad???? HA THE ALIENS ARE SCARED OF CATSKABSKHSSKJS

what the fuck is a flerkin?? why is the cat called a flerkin????? SPACE BATTLE WITH THE WOOSHING AND PEWS oh they got fucking merked and crashed. losers

GOODS GUYS ARE BAD I KNEW IT. LIZARD PPL GOOD I WAS FOOLED, WRONGED, AND BAMBOOZLED. carol fucking shot a space engine and got blued by magic shit. ORIGIN STORY COMPLETE SHE HAS BECOME THE ENGINE ITSELF

this is getting sad. i feel bad for ragging on the lizard people but at the same time HA HOMELESS. mariah go! yell your space- nOT BESTFRIEND NONKSJKSKSKS. JUDE LAW BAD. LIZARD GOOD

NOREX YOU STUPID LIZARD. HOW HARD IS IT TO FIGURE OUT ORBIT SHIT COMPARED TO CORDS ON EARTH🙄 talos shut the fuck up about the stupid cat. its a C A T !

floating space cat is adorable. 10/10

SPACE CUBE! TESSERACT! in a fucking tin lunchbox- bellowing call thingy to reconnect with lizard wife and child. beautiful moment in the movie right now 😌

ITS A TRAP. okay not really but THEY FOUND YALL FCKING RUN. DONT THROW THE CAT YOU MONSTERS. “jOg thE olD mEmoRy” shut the fuck up.

DONT PUT A MUZZEL ON THE CAT YOU WHORES WHAT THE FUCK IS A FLERKIN ANYWAY

gas-lighting, manipulating fuckers of a alien race deserve kicks to the teeth. stand up to them carol, you got this. KICK THEIR ASS.

all lesbians glow. she-ra, captain marvel, korra, etc. they’re that badass. HOLY SHIT THE CAT HAS FUCKIJG CUTHULU IN ITS MOUTH JEUSS CHRIST. “im trusting you, not to eat me.” YOU BETTER HAVE MORE THEN TRUST, FURY

GOOSE YOU BEAUITFUL OCTOPUS MOUTH CAT GOOD FOR YOU EATING THE GLOWY CUBE

im just a girl playing in the background while danvers kicks the kree ass is amazing.

“do you have the thing?” “flerkin kittu ate it.”

bombs go brrrr. why is minerva so pretty its unfair. space ships also go brrr

FLYING SPACE GAY, HELL YES. HELL NO RONAN SHOWED UP. SHE STOPPED A WHOLE ASS SPACE NUKE FROM HITTING EARTH AND MAKING IT BLOW UP ALL THE OTHER ONES

“take her down” she just took out all your fucking warheads, do ya think ships would work????. “return to the jump point” COWARD

intense stand off. jude stfu you’re a badguy. you dont get a moment for a teaching lession.

“SHOW ME YOU CAN-“ BOOM. get blasted bitch. “you cant do this.” she will take that bet and win

FURY LOST HIS EYE TO THE FUCKING CAT SLSGSKHSSKHSKSS

intergalaxy pager! range can last a couple galaxies! now only $499.99! for emergencies ONLY. no out of town calls

“so is it true? the kree burned out your eye because you refused to give up the tesseract?” fury just tell em the cat clawed your eye out and stop being embarassed :/

NEXT MOVIE: IRON MAN :D

[kv-muskwa]

Lemme unpack something real quick

I raised in a toxic environment. Parties almost every day, mopping up my moms puke in the hallway, knowing how to lock the door with a butter knife, staying up all night to make sure no one came into me and my sisters room, cooking for my sisters, getting beat up by my mom, my sisters hating me because my mom made me the family scapegoat(this took fucking YEARS for me to accept because for a long time I thought I was overreacting but no, my sisters all talked about how it was just so much easier to blame and hate me when my mom did the same), dealing with hypersexuality at a young age, being neglected, watching my older sister become an alcoholic and addict, stealing energy drinks to sell to other kids for 5 bucks to buy food, stealing food and clothes for my sisters, starting to smoke at 12 and a year later becoming an alcoholic, being raped, being kicked out between both my parents.... like yeah I had a horrible childhood. Whatever. I'm getting help.

But the thing that fucks me up?

I cant even blame my parents. My Dad went to residential school, my mom was raised by a traditional medicine man and a residential school survivor. They didnt know how to be parents and she talks often enough about how much worse it was.

I understand.

And that's what fucjing sucks.

My mom dealt with a lot of shit and when her parents passed, she just gave up. My dad didn't want to be a parent and still stands by calling abuse punishment. Like, I cant even fuckijg blame them because all they are, is fucking suffering from generational trauma.

But it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever my siisters gets mad at me that I shut my parents out.

I understand why they were the way they were. But got dammnit. I was just a fucking kid and my mom still doesnt give a shit about me unless if it comes to my daughter. And honestly, that's what I want.

She cant be a mom to me, fine. As long as she can be a great grandma for my daughter, that's all I ask.

My Dad puts in the minimum effort and honestly I dont really. I dont really care. It wont take away the fact that he just brushed off my meltdown where I threw myself out of a loving car at 15. It wont change the fact that I was homeless as a teenager because of him and my mom kicking me out when my depression got bad.

But if he can at least be a part of my daughters life, okay.

I don't forgive them. But I do understand. And more than anything, I fuckjng hate it some days. It would be so much more easier to just hate them, to just be mad. But it's not like it's their fault for all the shit they saw and how it changed them

[cweww]

i need to stop fuicikg comparing my body to other peoples bodies to literally every FUCKING person that i see its rippinv me apart im so self destructive i want to tear my fcukin flesh off my bones everytime i look at someones body i feel so fuckijg ashamed and grossed out and embarrassed and disgusted i fuckijg uate myselb so much inhate the way I look i cant fujcing stand to look at myself for one second i cant fucking do it i kust want to break down amd cry or self harm into oblivion just fucking cut up my flesh to the bone until there's nothig else left so im too fucking mangled and disfigured to not even look human anymore so i can no longer compare my body to others because it wont be a body anymore and do all the hard drugs and starve myself so my internal organs can shut down and i will only be a skeleton and when i look at myself i wont he able to recognize who's staring back at me then now will i no longer be able to compare my body to others i will be something other than human somethjng almost dead

[sanddancingwithanxiety]

I am so mad at the pilates people I am going to while Kris is on maternity leave

So first i get told that it's just like the ones i was doing with Kris, so clinical pilates, max 4 to a class and you each get an individual program. I get there and she has us doing fucking hundreds which a) only work upper abs so are not fucking functional at all for anything except #aesthetic and b) which i could have done watching a god damn youtube video of beginner pilates not paying for a qualified physio so fuck you. And c) we literally ALL do this right? No individualised program. At all :')))) the other reason i went to this one is because they have a reformer which is the best shit for riding because you are always stabilising on a moving platform, like yanno, riding. Except we never do anything involving kneeling or standing on the reformer so that's fucking useless

And THEN when i joined i was told about the 10 week pass and i joined on week 3 right, so i bought the 10 week pass which CONVENIENTLY no one told me only covered the actual term and i shouldnt buy considering it saves you like $15 aka not enough to cover the two classes youve missed. So basically, money grubs. Like whenever i have been in customer service i have been frank about the best deals because I'm not scum so????

And also add to rhat the faxt that the pilates teacher was super fucking patronising, didnt call any muscles by their names (literally everuone knows what your fucking hamstrings and calves are you do not need to call them 'the muscles in the back of your legs' 'the muscle in your lower legs')

Basically

I am in a hell of a mood

And here is the punchline

BECAUSE

Justin forgot he had a meeting and cant do tonight which is fine

BUT

I CANT DO TOMORROW BECAUSE THEY WILL STILL CHARGE ME FOR THIS DUCKING CLASS IF I DON'T GO AND I AM TOO POOR TO THROW MONEY AWAY

Guess who is going to get one hell of a fuckijg one star review on facebook when this '10 week pass' which is actually an 8 week pass for the price of 10 is up???? Oh yeah them #bitchbye

[time-2-vent]

So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

.

.

.

.

Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

[29121996]

.

[cweww]

i hate my body so god damn much it hurts i fukcing hatw having to be inside this body day in day fucking out im fucjing tired of it i want our i dont want to have this body i never fucking asked foe this i am in so much fucking pain im so done i hate looking at it i hate how it feels to be in it i am so fucking disgusting i doht want to be this anymore i hate how i look i can't exist without the thought of how it looks amd the way it feels i sit down i feel sofuckig diagutsig and unnatractive i stand up i feel so fucking ugly i move my body any fucking way possible i feel so fucking awful i will never not be conscious of fuckibg hating myself every second of wveryday i am uncomfortable and just reminded of how fucking awful and absokuetly fucking grotesque i look it's fucking vile and disturbing i dont fucking want this anymore i cant fucjing do this anymore im fuckijg sick