tf2yall

[tf2yall]

Mercs react to being picked up

Scout

Kinda like a really fussy cat

Makes a big deal of it the first few times and tries to wriggle free.

"What da hell do you think you're doing? Put me down!"

Really doesn't like it in public because he wants to be the big strong man in the relationship >:(

Keep doing it and he'll get used to it. Still doesn't like it in public but won't mind being picked up in private. Still complains tho

Likes to be held but will never ever EVER admit it

Soldier

Doesn't even bat an eye tbh

Oh we're doing this now? Cool.

Soldier's a very touchy person, especially with people he likes so he's very okay with being picked up and carried. Very snuggly and probably wraps his arms around your neck

Don't expect him not to pick you up too tho! Scoops you up bridal style if he's in a playful mood or just straight up tosses you over his shoulder if there's something cool he wants you to go see

Pyro

Heart eyes mf

Pyro's pretty similar to Soldier in that they like both being held and holding their partner.

Loves to be picked up and will probably never stop bugging you to do it again if you do it once

Barely even needs to be supported because they cling like a cuddly little limpet

They're stronger than they look and will have no problem picking you up too

Extremely cuddly. Pyro takes this as an invitation to be in your personal space all the time now. Sorry, they're your best friend now. It's non-negotiable

Heavy

I'm sorry what

Kind of bluescreens because he's honestly impressed that you managed to pick him up

Thinks it's impressive that you're that strong but would really rather prefer you put him down. He just prefers to have his feet on the ground thanks

Would prefer to be the one picking you up altho he'd really prefer nobody get picked up tbh. Unless he's excited or really happy about something. Then he won't think twice about scooping you up and spinning you around!

Engineer

Another one of the mercs who just bluescreens

Definitely freezes for a second as his brain works to catch up with what just happened

Probably starts blushing really hard and gets exceedingly flustered.

"Aww shucks... I didn't know you were that strong, partner."

Again tho, please put him down. He would like to walk thank you very much

Probably won't pick you up either unless a) you ask or b) you're bleeding out and he has to move you to safety

Demo

Like Soldier, doesn't bat an eye

This is just par for the course with Demo. Honestly you'll have a hard time picking him up before he picks you up.

Likes to initiate a lot of playful touch. Wrestling, throwing each other around, ruffling your hair, etc.

Just kinda melts when you pick him up. Lol enjoy holding a Demo puddle.

May or may not fall asleep if you hold him for any length of time

Medic

Oh

Oh hello

Medic starts blushing the instant you pick him up. Kicking his legs and giggling

Starts joking about you being his knight in shining armor.

Probably has a crush on you now if he didn't already. Look, he's just into people who could easily squish him alright???

An overdramatic bitch if he's in the mood to be picked up

"No, I am afraid my injury is too bad! You will have to carry me!"

He stubbed his toe. Jfc medic

Spy

No. No. A million times no.

The first time you do it, he blushes fiercely and runs away and you don't see him for a week.

It is undignified and humiliating and you're going to ruin his reputation and how dare you

More inclined to like it in a romantic relationship but still makes a fuss about it.

That is, until he gets used to it and then he's demanding you carry him everywhere like a spoiled brat

Sniper

Kinda hard to pick up because he's a lanky fuck and he's got so much goddamn legs. It's like picking up a spider

Really really nervous that you're going to drop him. Has a death grip on your shirt

Sniper's pretty confident right up until something happens that he doesn't know how to deal with. Being picked up is one of those things. Probably hiding his face with his hat and blushing really hard and making a big fuss

Can't decide whether or not he likes it

Probably isn't going to stop complaining but he's also not squirming so idk make what you will out of that

[tf2yall]

who do the mercs have the best friendship with? why are they friends? etc

Here you are! Apparently the tl:dr of this is that Demo is everyone's best friend (as he should be lol)

Scout

Scout doesn't get on well with a lot of his team. He thinks most of them are boring old farts, besides Demo and Pyro. (Sniper is technically the closest to him in age, but he's an honorary old fart)

Demo gets "cool" status in Scout’s mind because he doesn't mind engaging in whatever nonsense Scout wants to get up to. He also has a lot of cool stories about Scotland and magic and weird mythological creatures and Scout could listen to him for hours.

If he's not hanging out with Demo, he's probably with Pyro. They draw together, watch TV, and read comics. It's also not uncommon to find Scout and Pyro huddled together, burning shit.

Scout also has a kind of brotherly bond with Sniper. They both go out of their way to be annoying little shits to each other (Scout will tease Sniper about looking like he's 40, Sniper will put giant spiders in his room, etc). They are close tho and are kinda ride or die about each other, despite the fact that they're constantly on each other's nerves

Soldier

Soldier gets along best with Demo. Specifically the other team's Demo. For some reason same team Soldier-Demo pairs never work out. They find each other boring?? Despite the fact that they're essentially carbon copies of each other?? Oh well...

Their mutual love of explosions and 'boys will be boys' vibes help them gel really well! They have a tendency to be really fucking stupid together but hey respawn exists and they're having fun so just let 'em be.

Because they're on opposite teams, their relationship is a bit different than the other friendships. When they're on the battlefield, the match is essential just one big friendly competition. They're always trying to one-up each other with new gear or who can wear the most ridiculous hat to work contests. They hang out a lot outside of work too, going fishing, to gun shows, alcohol tastings, and whatever else they happen to find fun at the moment.

On his own team, Soldier gets on best with Pyro. They're one of the few who has the patience to put up with him for long and he's made it his mission to instruct Pyro in the ways of a true American soldier! This usually means lighting things on fire and using Spy as target practice.

Pyro

Pyro is okay with pretty much everyone. They like Scout and Soldier's high energy. Demo shares their love of fire/explosives. Heavy can match their level of enjoyment at being on the front line destroying everything. Engineer and Medic like to ramble to them while they're working. And Spy lets them hang out in his smoking room when they're overstimulated or tired. He does get cranky if Pyro burns stuff tho

Sniper is absolutely deathly terrified of Pyro. Pyro knows this and thinks it's hilarious. They will go out of their way to freak Sniper out just cause they think it's funny. They have been yelled at (multiple times) for chasing poor Sniper up a tree with a flamethrower.

Pyro likes everyone but they're closest with Scout and Engineer. Scout occasionally brings them shit to burn just for fun. Medic and Engineer keep confiscating Pyro's lighters. Spy is an absolute nuisance tho and is absolutely thrilled to supply Pyro with more. Usually on the condition that Pyro will stare ominously at Sniper while flicking them on and off

Pyro likes to spend time with their friends, but only in small doses. They'll spend an hour or two with someone before going to hang out with someone else or just leaving to be alone for a while.

Demo

Demo is everyone's best friend/drinking buddy/confidante. He's just genuinely one of those guys that gets on with everyone and whom everyone likes.

He does spend a lot of time with Scout and he definitely views himself as kind of a mentor to him. He is, however, never going to trust Scout with any kind of explosive or flammable substance. Bad things happen when Scout has flammable things.

People seem to forget that Demo's smart? Like, you need to know a lot about chemical reactions to not blow yourself up. Spends a lot of time with Engie and Medic, bouncing ideas off each other. That being said, he is considerably less "mad scientist" than the other two and is more likely to dip when they start getting REALLY weirdly into it (ex: cutting engie's arm off for shits and giggles)

Likes to just drink and vibe with Sniper too. He's one of the few people Sniper actually likes

Heavy

Heavy and Medic get along great. I feel like that's a really obvious answer lol but its true. (Altho they may or may not be more than friends) They share a love of classical literature and old music, although Medic tends to get a little heated when they discuss the themes of their reading. Not uncommon for the bonesaw to come out.

Heavy is mostly a loner and is very introverted. He does have times where he enjoys loud noises and destruction and doing things as part of a team, but he always knows when he's pushing too far and he needs to step away. A lot of his energy is spent on the battlefield so he tends to pass most of his free time alone. (I seem to have given Heavy my autism oops)

Besides Medic, Heavy is closest with Spy. It's nice to talk to someone in his native language and Spy also shares his interests in things like chess and poetry.

Probably finds the louder members of his team (Scout, Soldier) too much sometimes and tries not to spend a lot of time with them if he's already stressed. Altho it's not like he hates them. If he's in a certain mood he will totally 100% blow up buildings with Soldier

Engineer

Close to all the members of his team in wildly differing ways. Some of them, like Sniper, he has a very chill workplace relationship with. Others he has a more familial relationship to

Has a tendency to keep an eye on Scout, sometimes unconsciously. Will notice if something's up with him and give him someone to talk to. Scout does eventually come to look up to him as a kind of fatherly figure. Spy has mixed feelings about this.

A very private, yet still sociable man. His teammates only really know superficial details about him. He's very easy to talk to and has definitely acquired enough blackmail to put the whole team out of business. It's a good thing he just straight up doesn't care.

The closest thing he has to a friend on the team is Medic. If you can call getting drunk and sawing off your arm on a whim fun friendship bonding behavior

Medic

Medic is friends with anyone who even vaguely humors him. You want to talk?? With him??? About medical things??? Congratulations, you're never ever getting rid of him.

Most people tend to find him off-putting and creepy and he pretends like it doesn't bother him, but it really kinda does. He spent a large portion of life not having any friends so he tends to get very very excited and into his friendships. Loves his job partly because he gets to ignore all known laws (like he's definitely committing war crimes lets be real here) but also because he finally found people who get him.

He vibes best with Heavy because Medic really needs someone to be a good listener to him. However, he also needs them to be smart or he'll get frustrated with them and just stop talking to them. He likes having someone to debate with and experiment on with

Second best is Engie because hey fellow mad scientist!! Look, Medic just wants someone he can talk to about the things that he loves. And what he loves happens to be crimes against humanity

Spy

This is going to sound really REALLY weird but like: it's Soldier. Now hear me out here. Spy has a hard time trusting people and believing that they're not up to something, so the perso he's automatically going to trust the most is the guy that's shit at lying and is too stupid to be hiding anything.

Like many members of the team, he's a loner and prefers to spend time by himself. Does like to spend time with Heavy tho. Fine wine and overly fancy conversation is a must. Spy likes to be a snob, what else can i say

He is not immune to Demo's powers of being everyone's best friend. Demo is Spy's go-to person to bitch to when the other team members are getting on his nerves.

Spy pretends like he's above childish pranks and petty revenge but he's not. He's really really not. Demo knows this. Demo encourages this. Demo is part of the reason why all of Scout’s socks mysteriously turned pink.

Sniper

Doesn't get on with Medic, Pyro, or Spy for various reasons. Has occasionally been known to have a coffee with Engie but the two don't really have a lot in common. Neither do him and Soldier.

Likes hanging out with Heavy a bit more than his other team members. They both have a shared love of hunting and guns, although that is where their similarities end.

Probably vibes best with Demo. Demo's chill enough to make Sniper relax and they have a similar sense of humor, so even if their hobbies don't match up sometimes, they still enjoy talking to each other. They like to sit outside and swap stories about their adventures, Demo's with weird mythical creatures, and Sniper's time in the outback.

It's a shame that he's terrified of Pyro because they really would get along :( They both love to display their friendship with parallel play and they both think weird bugs are really cool

[tf2yall]

Mercs hygiene habits?

Sorry this took so long 💔 here u go!!!

Scout

Ok based on general vibes, im pretty sure scout would think deodorant was a fancy roll up kind of candy. But on the other hand i think his ma raised him right and he cleans himself regularly

Always takes very quick showers as he hates standing still for too long. (And he's just used to having to be fast as he grew up in a house full of too many people for one bathroom) Would probably use regular body wash as shampoo.

Brushes his teeth once a day before bed.

All in all, most of the time he just smells like a teenage boy. It's not incredibly intense, but it is definitely there

Soldier

His hygiene routine is very military-like

Ice cold showers that are precisely two minutes long. Beard and hair always cropped down to the skin. Unscented bar soaps.

That being said, once he starts dating Zhanna, she occasionally throws perfume or something at him to get him to stop smelling quite so much like sweat and blood

Soldier discovers that he quite likes perfume. And if anyone says anything about it, he's kicking their ass straight to the moon. (Which he doesn't actually believe exists, but thats a different matter entirely. He has a whole conspiracy theory about it)

Pyro

Nobody really knows what Pyro's hygiene care is like. They always kick everyone else out of the bathroom whenever they want to use it

Prefers baths over showers and got Engineer to install a tub for them. The water is always ridiculously hot and if anyone were to come in they wouldn't even be able to see Pyro behind all that steam

Pyro smells nice. Not that anyone else would ever be able to tell beneath their suit, but they know and they're happy :3

Is definitely the reason why Spy's fancy soaps keep going missing

Heavy

Y'know those like scrubby brushes on sticks you see people using in cartoons? For some reason I see him having one of those.

Smells neutrally nice. Like, he smells nice but he also doesn't smell like anything?? Occasionally has a tendency to smell almost medicinal because of all the time he spends with Medic.

Brushes his teeth but doesn’t floss. He also won't start because Medic annoyed him too much about it and now it's a principle thing.

He can grow hair, but he likes it shaved because it's easier to look after.

Demo

Pretty good at taking care of himself. He washes his hands a lot so he doesn't accidentally end up mixing chemicals or getting them on food or something

Has a rubber ducky. Someone (Scout) scribbled a little eye patch on it and Demo is careful to touch it up every time it starts to wash off

Even though he takes a shower after work every day, he pretty much always smells like alcohol and gunpowder. It's not entirely pleasant but I also don't think he knows so don't tell him. You'll hurt his feelings :(

Takes very good care of his teeth because he didn’t when he was younger and now is utterly terrified of losing them.

Engineer

Okay, I don't know if you've ever smelled a mechanic, but he smells like a mechanic. Basically engine oil and dirt and grease and steel. But like. In a good way.

His hygiene habits are shit. Everyone thinks he's got it together, but in reality he's just the best of the mercs at acting normal. Sometimes he'll get too involved in projects and stay up all night and then you'll catch him hurridly washing up in the sink ten minutes before he's due on the battlefield.

He can't grow hair on his head and he's actually really self-conscious about it. He keeps trying out new methods of encouraging hair growth and trying to invent some himself. Spy knows about all of these attempts and is waiting for the perfect opportunity to blackmail him with it.

For some reason I see him as an ice cold shower kind of guy.

Medic

Obsessively clean in some ways and very nonchalant in others. Won't bat an eye if there's blood all over his shirt but will scream at someone for twenty minutes if they track mud inside.

Like Pyro, he prefers baths to showers, although he doesn't have them quite so hot. Usually bathes with Archimedes in the room because he throws a fit if Medic doesn't let him in. He also occasionally has long drawn out conversations with Demo's rubber ducky.

Has no qualms about nudity and if he has a good idea in the middle of a shower he can and will run off to act on it without even bothering to grab a pair of pants.

Smells like a hospital except when he's JUST come out of the bath. His body wash smells of roses and his shampoo smells generically nice.

Sniper

Smells like urine

Gonna be honest here, Sniper the feral beast man rarely showers. He'll do it if he wants to make a good impression or something, but mostly he just rinses himself off with a rag and a bucket.

His hair is greasy as all shit because he doesn't wash it. He just rinses it and calls it a day.

I have nothing nice to say about Sniper's hygiene habits. I love him, but he very stinky

Spy

A fucking diva. Has a daily skin care routine, uses bath salts, has special conditioner so that his hair doesn't get all weird because it's under his mask all the time.

Has a private bathroom. What, you think he's going to use the same bathroom as those lunatics? Absolutely not and he's disgusted that you'd think so.

Has fancy plush towels that he bought somewhere in Europe and he will stab you if you try and take them.

Smells of expensive cologne.

[tf2yall]

Any Merc cooking headcanons? (Also, who would most likely hit someone with a pan in frustration of cooking?)

I actually already did something similar to this here but here are some more headcanons :3

Scout

The most likely merc to set off the fire alarm when cooking

Part of the issue with why he struggles to cook is that he's dyslexic, and struggles to read recipes. He was never actually diagnosed with it until he started working with Mann Co. He's getting better at not thinking that he's stupid, but he's still reluctant to ask for help reading

He can make a lot of relatively simple foods. Anything easy enough that he can just memorize the instructions, and he's golden

Somehow manages to make canned and frozen food taste amazing, despite adding nothing to it

Has a macaroni and cheese recipe that he learned from his mom and it's the most complex thing he can make

Soldier

The most likely merc to commit violence in the kitchen. Not out of frustration but because Soldier just really likes violence lmao

There was a really brief period of about a week where Soldier was allowed in the kitchen

In this time he managed to blow up the microwave, set the toaster on fire (twice), and make some sort of toxic black sludge in the oven. Medic's still not sure why it came to life and started licking Scout's arm.

Cannot cook. Well, he can't cook anything EDIBLE

His philosophy when cooking is 'why not', when the question should really be 'is this at all appetizing?' Soldier will eat the charred messes he creates and Demo, depending on how drunk he is, will give it a shot too. Everybody else has far to much self-preservation to even look at it for too long

Pyro

The most likely merc to hit you with a pan. Possibly in frustration, but it's usually more likely that you insulted their cooking and their consequently pissed.

Pyro is damn PROUD of their cooking and anyone who says otherwise is getting stuffed in the oven. Your screams mean nothing to them. Shouldn't have fucking insulted their casserole.

They cook for the team most nights. The other two great chefs, Demo and Spy are usually doing something else. Demo has bombs to make between fights and Spy just doesn't want to cook for you imbeciles. That's fine, Pyro genuinely enjoys cooking :3

Knows all of the mercs food preferences and makes sure that there's always something that they can eat. Spy generally won't eat meat and if you offer Sniper any sort of tomato product, he'll toss the whole plate.

Try and sneak food from the kitchen before Pyro's done and they can and will throw an axe at you.

Heavy

The most likely merc to actually follow the recipe lmao

Like I said in a previous post, he doesn't really know how to cook all that well. Prior to leaving Russia, his mom pretty much always did the cooking. Not that Heavy's completely helpless, mind you. He can make simple stuff like sandwiches or scrambled eggs.

Deeply appreciates a good meal and never takes food for granted.

Really bad at knowing how much spices to put in a dish. Either underspices or overspices it and it'll taste... Off. Heavy'll eat it anyway.

He's a very quick learner and he's learning how to cook pretty quickly. He struggles a little with the measurements in American cookbooks, so he usually uses recipes from Russian ones.

Demo

The most likely merc to blow up the oven. He's a great chef, he just tends to get a little carried away...

Demo should not be left unattended near anything that can be blown up. Not just in the kitchen, in general. Look, you don't get to be a great demolition expert by saying hmm yeah, maybe I won't blow that up

Like I mentioned, he cooks with Pyro a lot and the two of them are absolutely adorable doing it. They were little chef's hats and aprons and it's just so cute <3

Demo pls stop drinking the cooking alcohol

Might glance at a recipe, but usually just does his own thing when cooking.

Engineer

Tied with Medic as the most likely merc to starve to death. If he's in the middle of something, he will not move to go feed himself and someone's going to have to physically drag him out of his workshop. This is usually Pyro's job because everybody else is likely to get beaten over the head with a wrench.

Really proud of his food when he gets around to making it and will be super pissed off with anyone if they don't accept it. It's not generally a big issue, because his food is fantastic.

Should probably be assigned a chaperone when he cooks because when he gets bored, and Engie's frequently bored, he'll start engineering stuff out of the food. Once, while waiting for the oven timer, he built a functional sentry gun out of peas and carrots. (Dinner burned that night because he was too busy with his little gun)

Salt and grease galore. Like you take a bite of his food, and you instantly feel an impending heart attack. It's fine, Medic has spares if you need a new one.

Always makes way too much food.

Medic

The most likely merc to poison you (on purpose) He just likes seeing what effect arsenic has on the human body, is all.

Hypothetically, Medic should be a good cook. He's smart, he learns quickly, and he has an eye for good ingredients. Medic is not a good cook. He has a tendency to get distracted in the middle of making something and run off

Medic has set the kitchen on fire. Several times. Pyro's beginning to wonder if he likes fire as much as they do.

He's VERY protective of the kitchen when he cooks. In his mind, cooking time is personal time and he doesn't want anyone intruding on it (is it maybe also because he doesn't want anyone see him struggle to crack an egg? Maybe...)

Generally, his meal prep consists of throwing a sandwich together at midnight and eating it over the sink like a ravenous gremlin

Sniper

The most likely merc to starve to death in a room full of ingredients.

My man has never fucking heard of a spice. You say cilantro and he says bless you.

Can barely be bothered to cook his meat. He heats it up just enough that it doesn't bleed when he bites into it, and that's good enough for him. Sometimes he just eats it raw.

Sniper has been removed from the cooking schedule, because he thinks giving someone a can of beans and a spoon is a good way to prepare dinner. It's not. Sniper please.

Probably dying of scurvy because he never eats any fucking fruit lmao. He's just the ravenous wolverine man that lives in the merc's backyard

Spy

The most likely to hit someone with a frying pan. Spy gets frustrated easily, and when he's frustrated, he gets violent

His cooking skills are fantastic. He has a little apron he wears when he cooks. Scout's ma gave it to him and he can and will stab you if you say anything about it. It says 'kiss the cook' on it, and Demo has. Several times. Spy's pretending to be a lot more annoyed about it than he actually is

Has actively offered to help all of the mercs get better at cooking because oh dear god, if you give him a charred mess on a plate ONE more time, he's going to fucking lose it. Heavy is the only one to take him up on the offer

Can't bake and it frustrates the living shit out of him. He just doesn't understand why he can't do it???? Scout can and it drives him up the damn wall. My son. You are so stupid. How can u do this and I cannot

A VERY picky eater. Needs his meat cooked just so, won't eat any kind of seafood, hates when food on his plate touches. (My darling, I think Scout got his ADHD from you lmao)

[tf2yall]

How mercs react to a very hands-on kind of friend

Scout

I'm gonna be honest, at first Scout thinks you're coming on to him. Will draw you aside and explain that he's flattered but he just doesn't like you that way

When you explain that you're just big on casual, platonic touch, Scout is EXCEEDINGLY embarrassed. His face is as red as his shirt

He hides in his room for the next week

After he tries it out for a while, Scout finds out he's absolutely down for platonic touches! Starts instigating high fives and fist bumps and on occasion quickly goes in for a side hug. If you're strong enough to pick him up, he pretends that he hated it, but in truth he wishes you'd do it more often

Soldier

Probably initiates before you get the chance!

Big of fan of congratulatory back-slaps and shoulder punches

Will affectionately pick you up and toss you around

Play fighting is a form of affection, right?

Affectionately hits you in the face with a shovel

Fellas is it gay to kiss the homies good night? Soldier doesn't think so. Or maybe he does and he doesn't care lol

Pyro

Loves it! So! Much!!!!

Hugs!!! Cuddles!!! Pyro loves all of it!!

Likes to hold hands and will do it whenever possible <3 If they get really comfortable with you they'll take off their gloves to hold your hand

Very huggy, especially when they're sad. They want comfort :(

Love their stuffed animals and Baloonicorn, but they like holding their friends more

Heavy

Won't initiate that kind of thing, but doesn't mind if you want to

Will slowly get more comfortable with it and start offering you shoulder pats and back slaps

Heavy gives the best hugs 10/10 very warm and soft

A generally good-natured kind of guy and is just generally cool with however his friends want to show their affections

Demo

Demo is a very hands on kind of guy. He loves it when his friends are too!

Toxic masculinity? Fuck what's that, Demo's never heard of it

Lots of backslaps and side hugs and high-fives

Would definitely kiss the homies good night <3

Has the type of relationship where he'll be confused why everyone thinks they're dating while you're literally laying in his lap

Sober Demo doesn't think twice about platonic touches and neither does drunk Demo. Drunk Demo is an overly affectionate ooze lol good luck ever detaching him from you

Engineer

Engineer doesn't even think twice about it lol

He's also a super tactile person, so if you want to give him a backslap or a high-five or something, Engie's down to reciprocate

Doesn't really like hugs tho. They're just not his thing

Weirdly tho he's fine with platonic snuggling? Come on, come take a nap with him in the sun

Medic

Medic's another one of those touchy people

If you're close, he'll grab your hands while he rambles about his experiments, and pick you up and spin you around when they work

Frequent touches, but not long ones. Medic doesn't sit still long enough for that.

If he's feeling in a mischievous mood he'll jokingly kiss your wounds better

Don't play with his hair tho :( he just doesn't like anyone to touch it

Spy

Spy's actually pretty cool with being touched

You'd expect him not to be, just based on general vibes, but Spy honestly doesn't mind. He's used to a lot of different cultures so if you want to hug him and touch him, Spy's used to it

Will reciprocate in his own way. Probably won't flat out hug you, but will kiss you on the cheeks to greet you and pat you on the back when you've done something impressive

It'll take a very very close relationship for Spy to trust you enough to take his mask off. Once he does, he'll let you play with his hair, and honestly please do, because you'll end up with a puddle of very happy melted Frenchman in your lap

Sniper

Error 404 Sniper is not responding

You touch him and Sniper just fucking blue screens

This man is so touch starved that he fucking whines the first time you give him an affectionate pat on the arm. Both of you agree never to speak of this again

Will gradually get more comfortable with it, and even start actively seeking it out. He's honestly a very tactile person, so once you break down his barriers, expect to always have him in some way attached to you

Sniper just wants cuddles <3

[tf2yall]

merc driving headcanons? good, bad, crazy etc. drivers? :)))

Scout

Scout has a driver's license. He always knows where it is because he has to get it out every freaking time he wants to go to a bar. Scout pitches a big fit about it everytime lol. He's an adult goddammit!

Scout is a uh... questionable driver. To say it nicely.

Doesn't wear his seatbelt, constantly speeding, pretty much always a distracted driver. Has crashed his car... too many times...

His older brother taught him how to drive and honestly he was as hyperactive as Scout so you know. Not exactly much actual learning going on.

Scout doesn't do much driving. He doesn't own a car and no one's crazy enough to let him use theirs. He's fine with that. There's nowhere he really wants to go anyways. He can amuse himself just fine at base.

Soldier

Does Soldier have a driver's license? No. Is that going to stop him? Also no.

Everybody has come to an unspoken agreement never to let Soldier drive. Ever. Not after that incident with the golf cart

He's a fucking maniac on the road. Stop light??? What's that?? Turn signal???? Who???

Essentially treats driving as a more horizontal kind of rocket jumping. Does not seem to get that you're supposed to drive on the road...

Tuefort probably has a special insurance plan for 'Soldier ran into my living room with a truck' lol

Heavy

Didn't learn to drive until he left Russia, and he was already in his 30s by then.

An incredibly safe driver. Follows all of the traffic rules perfectly, properly uses his turn signals, always has his license close at hand. He's just genuinely good at driving.

...up until the point when you piss him off.

Heavy's patient, but when he loses it oh he fucking loses it.

Can and will drive into other cars. Doesn't care about the damage done to his own, Engie'll fix it. GET OUT OF HIS FUCKING WAY LITTLE PEOPLE, HEAVY HAS PLACES TO BE

Will return to base with the front end of his car completely totaled and just hand the keys to Engie and tell him to fix it. Engie's currently in the process of 'upgrading' the car so he doesn't have to fix it so often.

How is he doing this? Well, with Engineer logic of course. By adding more gun. And then a little more gun. Just to be safe.

Demo

One of the better drivers on the team

If he's sober, he's actually a really good driver. Behaving himself like a good boy :) Hasn't run anyone over unlike some of the mercs *cough Medic cough*

Doesn't do a lot of driving because he's smart enough not to drive drunk. And Demo's pretty much always drunk lol

Also won't drive outside of the UK. He's used to driving on the left side of the road, and he's a little concerned that he'll just default to that side without thinking and get himself in a car accident

Demo does road rage but not to the extent of some of the other mercs. He'll swear and curse at them bad enough to make a sailor blush but he's not gonna actually get out of the car and fist fight them in the street

Pyro

Can't drive? Maybe?? No one's ever seen them drive so?? But they also seem to just show up in random places so they have to be driving??? Right???

Pyro doesn't actually have a driver's license. They just never really wanted to learn.

Interestingly enough, they do have a pilot's license though...

Engie

Another one of the good drivers. Mostly. Like most of the other mercs, Engie road-rages. And he road-rages hard.

He won't yell or scream, but if you take too long at a light he will get out of his car and politely inquire why you're not moving, whilst also politely offering to rearrange your intestines for you

Tends to be the designated driver amongst the mercs because he's the least likely to get in a car crash or drive the car over someone on purpose

Engie owns an old, rusted, beaten-down truck. It runs just fine, it just looks like it's going to fall apart if you so much as look at it wrong.

Medic

Medic has a driver's license. Medic should not have a driver's license.

He's an angry little man and will not hesitate to run people over or ram into other cars

'Zhey where on zhe road, zhey knew the risk!'

'doc pls u killed twenty people'

Whistles or hums along to the radio when he drives.

Spy

An amazing driver! Excellent job, Spy, you're one of the most competent drivers on the team.

If you ignore the fact that he's mentally jotting down the license plates of anyone who annoys him.

His car is his baby and he doesn't trust any of the mercs to be in it, nevermind drive it.

He likes to just go for nice relaxing drives sometimes

Sniper

Genuinely a really good driver. He canonically uses his turn signal ffs

His mom taught him how to drive and he will make her proud by always following traffic rules

Doesn't exactly road rage in the traditional sense. He doesn't yell, but he does kinda sit there and seethe, mumbling insults under his breath.

Very stuck in his ways and will not replace his camper until it physically cannot move anymore

[tf2yall]

What the TF2 mercs would do if they saw a spider

Scout

Screams

Like the first couple of times everyone ran into his room to check if he was being murdered. Now it's just:

*blood curdling scream*

Ah shit, looks like Scout found another spider

The team doesn't even glance up anymore lmao

Look, Scout doesn't like bugs all right? Creepy-crawlies are an absolute no-go. He hates insects and spiders and god don't even get him started on centipedes

Will punch someone if they call him a wimp about it. (Still not gonna go anywhere near the spider lol)

Scout is avoiding that room- no, that whole half of the base until it's been dealt with

Clever mercs can use this knowledge to keep Scout from trespassing in their room

Soldier

Legitimately doesn't give a shit

By that I mean he probably hasn't even noticed there is a spider in the first place. It could be spinning a web from his helmet and he wouldn't notice

Soldier doesn't really have an opinion on bugs. He'll brush them off if they fly at his face but that's about it.

It's just because he doesn't know a whole lot about bugs though. If someone were to teach him about insects he'd find them really cool! He'd think stag beetles were especially amazing!

Soldier would be legitimately confused if someone asked him to move a spider. Are they on American soil? Then as far as he's concerned that spider is an American citizen! He will not evict them!

Pyro

Pyro loves insects of all kinds! Butterflies and moths look like little fairies to them and spiders are very small mythical animals.

Whenever they find a cool bug they always pick it up and take it to show off to people. Look! Look at this cute friend they found!

Wouldn't mind if they saw a spider. Would actively encourage it to climb on them. Would be thrilled if it set up a little web in a corner of their room.

One of the only mercs that would keep a spider as a pet

Heavy

Like Soldier, he's nuetral on the subject.

Doesn't really like insects, but has nothing really against them either. He's of the opinion that if it's not bothering you, you shouldn't bother it.

If it's in his room, he'll leave it alone. If Scout was the one to find it, Heavy will come trap it under a cup and take it outside. He has no problem with killing things but not if you don't need to.

Is a little sketched out by the hairy ones. Why does the spider have fur???

Used to smaller, more lanky ones like cellar spiders

Demo

Demo's opinion on spiders and insects in general is 'neat.'

He kind of has a knee jerk reaction to swat the spider if he sees it crawling on him, but he'll leave it alone if it's just minding its own business

Likes listening to other people teach him about bugs, but he won't go actively learn about them

Doesn't mind spiders but he hates their webs. They're hard enough to see if you have two working eyes. Demo has one eye and his vision is blurry most of the time because he's drunk. Walks into spiderwebs far more than he'd like to admit. And doors. And walls. And windows.

Engie

Thinks spiders are cool as hell

He's an engineer, he can admire a good build. Spiderwebs, cocoons, beehives. If he finds one in his workshop, he'll talk to the spider like it's just a very small colleague

Would prefer if it didn't make webs on his machines tho

Just because he appreciates what they do doesn't mean he won't swat at them if they crawl on him

We are having a professional relationship. Don't touch me.

Medic

He usually doesn't find spiders. The doves eat them before he can

If he does find a spider, he'll call over Archimedes and give him a little snack :3

Has a very nuetral opinion on insects in general. Like they're fine, but he prefers to invest his interest in something big enough to experiment on

Very likely to create a human-sized insect like his own little Frankenstein's monster if the mood struck him

Go, you creature of destruction, go!

Sniper

You know those kids that were really into insects? Yeah, that was Sniper

Sniper fucking loves bugs and spiders and creepy-crawlies. If he found a spider in his room, he'd let it be. Cool, he has a roommate now

The bug guy on base. Need a bug identified? Go ask Sniper.

Pyro brings him insects they find for Sniper to identify

Probably had a spider or a scorpion as a pet at some point

*sees an eight foot tall mutant spider*

*shrugs* 'eh, I've seen bigger back home.'

Thinks it's hilarious as hell that Spy and Scout are terrified of spiders and will leave them in their rooms to have a laugh

Spy

Screams

Like father like son ig

Of course he's too proud to just ask someone to get rid of it for him. He's standing on the table because he likes to, is all.

Spy doesn't like bugs. Butterflies, bees, centipedes, spiders, he wants nothing to do with them. They sketch him right out

Will aggressively take a feather duster to any spiderwebs he finds. No webs in his room thank you very much. Of course, if there's still a spider in said web, he's shrieking and running to the other side of the base

There seems to be a very high number of spiders in his room compared to the rest of the base. Hmmm...

He once made the mistake of screaming about a spider in front of Sniper. Sniper is never going to let him forget it

[tf2yall]

Reminder that I'm taking requests :)

[tf2yall]

Tf2 eating habits headcanons

Scout

Scout pretty much subsists on junk food and whatever he can make with minimal effort. Sandwiches, scrambled eggs, anything canned.

Scout can't cook but he can sure as hell bake. He'd always help out in the kitchen whenever his ma baked and as such learned quite a bit about baking. He can separate the yolk from an egg surprisingly well and he just has a sense for knowing when he needs to adjust the recipe, before he's even made it

Everyone loves Scout's baking but they hate it when Scout bakes. The kitchen looks like a fucking bomb went off in it. Scout's messy when he bakes and if you think he's cleaning up after himself? HA!

Soldier

Army rations. Yeah, that's it. That's pretty much all Soldier eats. Maybe on special occasions, he'll have a hamburger or some apple pie but not very often. He's subsisting entirely on packaged rations from ww1 and everyone is deeply confused on how he's still alive.

Soldier has been banned from ever making dinner. EVER. Medic will beat him to death with his own shovel if he even so much as looks at the kitchen

Has also been banned from going on supply runs. Once he went out with Demo and the two of the blew up half the Tuefort general store. Spy was also present that day. He wishes he hadn't been.

Pyro

Pyro likes sweet things. Probably. No one has actually ever seen them eat. They'll grab glasses of chocolate milk and candy bars to presumably be eaten but fuck who knows? Maybe they're actually sacrificing it to a hellfire demon they're keeping as a pet

Despite the fact that no one's ever seen them eat, Pyro's actually a shockingly good cook. They're better over a campfire or a grill, but they're not bad on the stovetop.

Their dishes usually involve a lot of experimentation. They might start on a souffle recipe and by the end have created something that has no name know to man. What? They get bored.

Has shockingly never lit the kitchen on fire. The people (*cough* Spy) who criticize their cooking on the other hand...

Heavy

Iffy. He's good with ingredients he's used to, like bear meat and such, but give him something new and he's not really sure what to do with it...? Isn't afraid to learn though! The only one of the mercs that will actually read a cookbook.

Isn't all that picky with the food he eats. He can appreciate a good meal, but he'll also eat the charred messes that Scout produces

Spy's teaching him how to cook and it's going great! In return, Heavy's attempting to teach him the art of heavy weapons. This is going less great

Engineer

God-tier. His food is fucking fantastic... If you can get him out of his workshop to make it.

GO AWAY HE HAS WORK TO DO HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO COOK FOR YOU. Engineer doesn't even really feed himself. He usually eats whatevers quick enough for him to grab and go. Nothing and I mean NOTHING will draw Engineer away from his work for very long. Homeboy'll power through three solid days of experiments and emerge blinking from his workshop. When did he last eat? Uh... Tuesday, maybe?

Great with a grill. Knows lots of southern cuisine and when he actually gets going he can make the best food you've ever tasted. It will definitely offend him if you don't accept his food.

Demo

The best cook on the team. Cooking and baking give him the same thrill as chemistry. The only downside is they don't explode at the end, but Demo can fix that.

If he's drunk he may start experimenting which will either end in a hot mess or the nectar of the gods. Good luck trying to get him to remember the recipe he used though...

Pyro and Demo cook together a lot. The team wishes they wouldn't.

Makes a lot of flambés and puts alcohol in fucking everything.

Medic

HA

No, I'm serious, think about it. How good do you think Medic could possibly be in the kitchen?

The answer is god awful.

He's much like Engie, where he'll get hyperfixated on his experiments and won't bother to eat. Honestly, he's feral enough to eat birdseed or pieces of his experiments if he's too lazy to go to the kitchen. What? It's not like he'll get sick. That's what the medigun's for.

He's not allowed to make dinner anymore. He just uses it as an excuse to drug people's food and see how they react to it. It's a little hard not to guess there's something wrong with your meal when a manic German doctor won't stop staring at you, giggling

Sniper

Subsists on packaged instant noodles, canned food, and whatever he can kill. Like Scout, I don't think Sniper has so much as heard of a vegetable.

Not a picky eater at all. Joins Medic in the 'im cool with eating raw meat' club. Spy is deeply disgusted with them both

Not half-bad at cooking, if what you want cooked happens to be something over a campfire. Sniper's great at that. Give him a stove and the most he can do with it is maybe turn it on.

Loves visiting his parents partially because it's the only time he eats real food.

Spy

He is a fucking cooking snob. He's out here making multi-step dishes with unpronounceable names and no, he's not sharing with you heathens.

Alright, maybe he'll share with Demo and Heavy. They're the only two on the team who can actually appreciate decent cooking

Despairs at the rest of team's inability to feed themselves. Most nights he'll skip dinner in favor of making his own food. Like hell he's putting whatever the fuck THAT is in his mouth

Begrudgingly likes Scout's baking and will never ever tell him. Scout caught him once raiding the cupboards at midnight for leftover cookies and Scout will never let him live it down

[tf2yall]

Ranking the tf2 mercs on how well I think they'd babysit

Scout

4/10

On the one hand he'd feed your kid exclusively fried chicken and soda but on the other he's actually paying attention to them unlike SOME of the people on this list

Scout honestly isn't that fond of kids but for whatever reason they seem to like him. As soon as he realizes that women think it's cute, he'll start actively volunteering to babysit. He is a little confused as to why they think he's the kid's big brother and not their father though...

Soldier

-100/10

Oh my god no do NOT leave Soldier alone with a child. He's already given them a rocket launcher before you can turn around and jesus christ soldier no-

Unfortunately, Soldier thinks he's great at babysitting and if you ask him once he will never stop offering again

Pyro

8/10

Pyro's actually one of the better mercs to babysit. They love all sorts of childish activities and will play with the kid as long as necessary. Just make sure to remind them not to get out the 'bubbleblower'

Love their new playmate and will always offer again and again to babysit

Heavy

10/10

Heavy grew up taking care of his little sisters when his mom was busy so he's got a lot of experience. One of the few mercs that will actually remember to feed the kid. Won't run around and play with them though. He's too afraid that he'll hurt them

Babysitting reminds him of his family and while he won't explicitly offer, he makes it clear that the invitation's open

Demo

0/10 or 10/10 depending on how drunk he is

If Demo's sober he's a great babysitter. He keeps them entertained with stories about Scotland and mythical creatures. If they're a little older he might teach them a little bit about chemicals. Unfortunately, drunk Demo can barely take care of himself and you'd have been better off just leaving the kid alone

Demo wouldn't volunteer to babysit again but he'd be touched if you asked him to

Engineer

2/10

Okay, I know everyone in the fandom has decided Engie's like the team dad and he's great at cooking and taking care of people but hear me out, okay? Engie reminds me of my grandfather, who'd just crack open a beer and watch his grandkids climb on the roof. Engie insists that he did an excellent job. He watched them, after all. Watched them climb and subsequently fall right out of that tree. He tells you it's good for them. Next time they'll know better, won't they?

Engie will offer to watch them again and is a little offended when you refuse

Medic

0/10 or 10/10 depending on your opinion as a parent

He is actually paying attention to them, which is a good start. Unfortunately, he seems to think medical textbooks make good bedtime stories and that helping out with surgeries is a good activity for kids to do. He taught them some anatomy though... So yay?

Will happily offer to babysit again

Sniper

7/10

Sniper doesn't really like kids but he's not an asshole jesus, he'll do it if you really need him to. At first he doesn't know what to do with them but eventually they get him talking about his life and his experiences in Australia. The kid thinks he's cool as shit and Sniper actually ends up having a better time than he thought he would

Sheepishly volunteers to babysit again. He's not bad at babysitting, but do you really want a man that throws his own piss at people looking after your kid?

Spy

0/10

Don't get me wrong, Spy's great with kids. He's actually responsible enough to feed them and keep an eye on them and keep them entertained. However, the kid reminds him of Scout. He manages to keep it together until they're returned to their parents, but immediately after he's retreating to his smoking room. Are you happy? You made him cry

Will not offer to babysit again. Please do not ask him

[tf2yall]

Tf2 characters as weird shit my sleep deprived ass did this morning

Soldier: randomly sent my friend a 10 hour long video of an animated duck going UH EEH UH EEH UH EEH on loop

Scout: laughed so hard i made sounds like a dying walrus because my mom said titillating and i thought it was the funniest shit

Heavy: offered to share my hands with my cat if she shared her tail with me

Pyro: had a whispered monologue with myself that ended by exclaiming 'ya just- ya JUST BURN IT Y'KNOW'

Demo: meant to have breakfast. Wrote a tumblr post instead

Engineer: accidentally solved a problem and had no idea how i did it

Spy: wondered why we didn't have wine. I don't drink wine.

Medic: pondered over the nature of death to my cat and then immediately gasped and said FLUFFY PAWS

Sniper: claimed i was a burrito with legs. I am severely disappointed to admit i am not a burrito with legs