#i just cant be at his home anymore
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I hate being mentally ill I hate being spread thin I hate telling people my deepest fears and having them confirm them I hate feeling like no matter how hard I try I'll never be enough and I hate feeling the way I do rn.
#not getting into it except i love my bf so much and he loves me so much and im never leaving him for a second#but i might have to move out of his house cause i feel so unwelcome now#which is my own fault#it's unfortunate this had to happen while on vacation cause now i have to be stuck in a shuttle with his family for 2 hours then on a plane#for 6+ hours then we have to get 'home'#except i feel like i cant stay there#but when i told my bf that he had a full panic attack. he was the most scared ive ever seen him#and i felt so fucking guilty for making him think id ever leave him cause i wont#i just cant be at his home anymore#i cant live with his family or with mine#and we have to wait so long to be on our own#and idk how im gonna manage that#we decided the night before we would marry each other once we have our own home. but now i feel so lost on how we're gonna get there#we cant afford rent anywhere the apartment they would build for us is the most affordable option By Far#but its gonna take so many more months to reach that point#i dont understand how we're supposed to reach that point#i am just. so fucking depressed. real and true depressed. i cant move i cant think i have to pack and get breakfast but i cant do any of it#i need him to go talk to his family without me so i can pack my stuff alone and just be ready to leave#but i feel like thatll make it worse#but itll also be worse if im there with him#i just want him to stand up for himself so badly. and i know how it is to crumple under your mothers guilt ive done it so many times before#this situation is just. so awful. i just want to be home and idek where that is anymore#its not my dads house. its not my moms house. its not my bfs house. its just wherever i am next to him#but im clearly putting a divide between him and his family and i cant let that happen#im distant from my family too but they always tell me its okay cause they see how happy i am#but his parents cant seem to do that#his mom anyways#and his sister basically hates me. and yeah shes hot headed and protective. and yeah i snapped last night#but now i feel like ive just fucked up and i dont know how to go back to that house. ever. not without immense guilt.
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Literally like the one good thing abt reading abt celebrities is sometimes they just have such interesting bizarre lives it's just fun to read about AND it's A+ character/writing insp tbh
#i cant say i like him anymore but im always thinking abt danny eIfmans life story bc its just. Bizarre#like. spends college savings on going to east africa. busking there. goes back home and joins the circus.#leaves circus. joins his BROTHERS circus. we have photos of him just being a clown. etc etc#etc etc#oh my god WHO'S THAT REALLY OLD DUDE WHO PLAYED LIEK GANDALF#im forgetting his name but hes also SO WEIRD. was in world war 2.told lotr director nuh uh people die like *THIS* not this#i know cause ive seen it. with my Eyes.#t
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OC OTP. Just a prince (Ego, the ginger) and his wonderful energy alien fiance (Serenity) who he doesn't know is an energy alien. Ego also doesn't know that the future marriage is never going to happen and he's been lied to his whole life.
#my characters#mentioned them to a buddy recently and was like well dang that means i gotta draw them again ig#i love them so much and they have so many AUs#which is actually why i started to mention them LMAO#they reblogged a post from me and were like oh oh new au just dropped#and i was like haha funny thing - that post was reblogged bc it reminded me of an au i had for ego and serenity#and they were like wait you gotta spill the deets now#aaaaanyway serenity is an energy alien and his race doesnt really have a physical form usually!#but he has the ability to form a shell in a sense to look like a body and he begs his alien king#to let him remain on earth until his power is too weak to hold a human form#bc he is so in love with the lie (that HE knows is a lie) of being married to ego and wants to hold onto it as long as possible#while ego is just vibing in his own kingdom unable to leave the castle#bc his dad knows if he mentions his fiance - serenity whomst he thinks is another prince - no one will know who it is#so to shelter the lie ego is unable to travel#and so one of his favorite things when serenity visits is to ask him to tell about other places#and at first ego is a brat and says hed rather be exiled than have to marry another prince#but he does over time fall in love and feels super happy being around serenity while breaking serenitys heart#bc he knows it wont last rip#and eventually serenity does use up all of his power and cant hold a physical form anymore#and so he goes home to his alien life#but ego demands to visit him and does and then is like oh well if you dont have a human form then just visit me like this!#and so serenity tries his best to rebuilt energy so that one day he can visit as a human again#and he does the end
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the important part of diy is having fun and being yourself.
#i prommy this will look good when everything is done there is just so much fucking landlord#i was going to say beige but i think its just primer white but after 50 years of smoke exposure and the roof collapsing that one time#anyways life hack for becoming a home owner at 23: move into a family friends condemned building and then get left it#in his will bc his kids dont want to pay to bulldoze it so they can sell the plot of land#its structurally sound just really shitty#which means i get to make whatever decisions i want bc its not like anyone is living here after me#cant even fucking haunt a place anymore with how bad building standards have gotten
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getting sooooo emotional abt how like. when rick and bp meet again during the federation stuff its like theyre completely different ppl from who they were when they last saw each other. but it almost makes them become closer instead of driving them apart… until of course their values clash in the worst possible way
#i cant word this properly my brain is mush and im trying to fight thru 1billion hc world#BUT LIKE. U UNDERSTANDDD. RIGHT#this happens every time they spend a while away from each other#one or the other or both chnage. but it still stays the same#ill have to draw or write abt it at some point. but i have exams in like a week 😢#gyadddd damn tho… thw flesh curtains/federation time gap esp drives me insane#bc likeeee. rick is already kinda fucked up when they meet. but way better at playing it off#and it never comes up. like hes not in tht deep yet#but later on he Cant hide it anymore. so much so that bp Has to become involved in ricks issues#and while rick still has that smallllll part of himself that still cares. hes much less trusting and shit by that point#which makes it so much more meaningful to me to have bp become involved at this point#and on the othwr hand u have bp going from sweet and kinda naive#to much more … serious ig. and mature. due to his home being destroyed or w/e#but hes contrasts rick in being far more compassionate and liek. genuinely heroic#from his pov maybe theyve both grown up a bit. but from ricks pov its just bp thats changed#i see rick as being far less aware of his own slow downfall. while its more obviosu to others (esp bp)#gggyaahhhh….. they make me so so ill#birdrick
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Pics of the cat who is now in my storage closet send help
To be fair, the carpet is softer than concrete 😅 His name is Skinny
#hes a starved stray ive been feeding for months#he was nearly dying when i found him and he lives solely off the canned food people sometimes leave out for him#hes severely underweight and his hip bones stick out and his spine is like a stegosaurus#i finally found him a potential foster and there's a storm so yeah hes trapped in my closet for the night lol#a feral cat i thought mightve been him was hit by a car yesterday and when i found him ok today i hugged him and cried. I just cant#let him be a stray anymore he needs a home or hell be next 🥺#cats#rant#vent
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ha ha ha. the way my feelings started to grow for my best friend right before I found out he's moving states and states away over the summer. ha ha ha. so pony and johnny core hahhaha
#see i was JUST about to tell him how i felt (maybe)#and i was JUST about to suggest a qpr (maybe)#and now i find out hes leaving me...#EVIL!!#hahaha this is sooo doomed ponyboy and johnny qpr hahaha#i always knew one of us would make it out of this shitty little town and one of us wouldnt#and maybe this entire time i knew id be the one to stay. of my own choice? i cant even tell anymore#but to finally understand what he means to me after all of these years and to know hes on his way out#very heartbreaking!#this town is a dead end road. lets leave this behind lets just get up and go#find a new place to call home. make a new life we can call our own#someplace where we can be free. free to decide who we want to be.#it certainly is all becoming clear now isnt it?#i want to get up and just go with him but how do i get out of this poor ass town#and the worst part? we're both bound for bigger things its just that one of us has a way to get there#and its certainly not me#also did i mention hes moving far out to the country? am im stuck in this little poor town?#and weve always talked about a life spent together?#feeling very doomed right now#life imitates art i guess#sooo...if anyones up to hear me rant or vent through my little heartbreak
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god i really wish i could just. control my voice. could control my volume and how much i speak.
#vent in tags#cant take the bus home anymore. last time the driver didnt hear me when i pointed out my stop#i was in the front seat. i was being as loud as i could. he couldnt even hear that i was talking.#i think one of my coworkers might think i dont like her. she says hi every time we pass each other#all i can do is a little nod. i can hardly ever say hi on command#cant always speak on command in general.#i need to be prepared. to be anticipating a conversation#and even then im too quiet#or if im w friends and family im too loud. i talk too much. too fast#i just. i wish it was in my control#it is for everyone else in the world. why not me.#actually autistic#ok to rb#rambling
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Oml there's so much with alterhumanity and stuff akdbkans
Bro how do people narrow anything down??? How do they KNOW?
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So many labels for experiences... 🫠
#sepiasys.txt#I really. REALLY. Do not understand 🫠💔#Hey hi I'm the bitch who is going 'oh haha michael afton/mike schmidt funny; what if frfr?'#Atleast I think -._-. Anyways yeah idrgaf about prev post enough but its long as hell#ignore prev post if u want. In fact maybe it should be privated. Not for a while tho. Wait til we forget about it to privtae it LMAO#Anyways jjhhhfjbdjsbxj I'm fucking DONE with researching kin stuff I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. ITS TOO MUCH; I WANT TO GO HOME (exaggerating)#Mike just like me frfr#hhhhhhh I'm so done.#Also I swear foxes arent my favorite animal bc I dont HAVE a favorite; so fuck you!#I'm so tired sodbksndja (I think we all are =_=;;)
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i feel sick
#every time i think im over her#that she cant hurt me anymore#days like tuesday happen and i miss her so fucking much#i just want my mom#not this narcissist that replaced her when i was 11#i know she was like this before just to my dad#but i just want the mom that drove me to school every morning and took me to seaworld and the schools pta game night and did pizza fridays#i want to call her and hug her and have her tell me that its all going to be alright#but it wont#and that mom doesnt exist#maybe she never did#fuck i cant do this anymore#i was doing so fucking well#i was so fucking happy#why did she have to ruin it with her 40 essay-texts and email stalking?#and the boys are home now too#and i have to act like their mother didnt just force her way back into my life to bring up memories that make me want to claw my chest open#i have to act happy as my youngest brother gets his phone blown up with texts i know are from her#when i know that shes targeting him now that i left#like she did to me when my dad left her when i was 11#i cant do this anymore#i just cant#i cant spend my days throwing up in the school bathroom and crying myself to sleep and burying myself in shows to not feel anything real#i keep feeling like the other shoe is going to drop#that shes going to come to my college and tell her lies to everyone and ill lose all my friends and everyone who matters to me#and i cant even block her because she controls my fucking health insurance#the last time i talked to her she threatened to file for conservatorship#i cant do that
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need 2 isolate myself and unfriend everyone #asap
#this guy who is still my friend i guess annoys me and ive been avoiding him and he confronted me and cried yesterday and i felt bad but more#ab the situation than our friendship because he puts himself into places without friends by being judgy and rude and wondering why ppl dont#wanna stick around him idk. i guess we're still cool but he clings onto me and its really annoying bc i want him to stop but i dont want to#be rude and hes just getting on my nerves and ik its bad to be like annoyed w ur friends but i literally just .our energies dont match and#its so exhausting to be near him so i need to do the right thing and tell him the truth and let him decide if he wants to cling on more or#not but i already did that tbh yesterday like. i told him i genuinely dont have the energy to match his and he asked 'when can we go back to#being normal' ?? i just said i felt better and comfortable being more alone and off than w him cant he stop. do i need to break his heart#hes really intelligent and hes able to tell these signs so idk why hes so hellbent on being stuck on me when ive literally said he tires me#cant he leave me alone. i already feel bad enough for feeling this way but last yr i didnt get to have any other friends irl bc he would#just cling on and drag or follow me and i barely had time to spend with anyone else and im stuck in a club i dont care for now bc he kept#pushing. like two or three of then actually idk why he cant just understand i dont want this nor any codependency w him anymore when ivebeen#like telling him already#sorry i have tutoring soon but im exhausted and feel horrible but whatever ill be fine etc i just need him to stop#on a brighter note. idk. im going to disney soon#post#vent#to delete#my lover please come home . only person i can admit my feelings directly to !. not on a vague tumblr post lmfao#/nbh btw obv bc why would i post it if it was#i need to play genshin kaedehara kazuha save me please give me a big fat kiss now
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at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.
#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in#stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and#deal with his baggage.#i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the#doctor who can stay with donna & with rose.#she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of#never changing characters names when i trans them.#but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet.#like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own#person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but#she has her wife at home.#and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back.#this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out.#its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them.#but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas.#but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it#work.#but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3#dw oc
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Wow threats of violence and death woe is me. Bitch it's been like this for years if you hate me kill me already and if you don't plan to just shut that shit spitting asshole mouth of yours.
I have nothing to lose if he actually carried on with it, he'd do me a favour. It's funny to me he thinks he scares me and its even funnier he gets more angry when I laugh.
Bro I got used to your abusive shit, it's another day of you being an aggressive coward to me after I ignored you for months even if you wanted a reaction. I don't give a shit lmao
#misc#i cannot take him seriously#i remember i used to be scared back in 2019 lmao bruh hit me if you dare. ill make sure you never step foot in this house or out of a#jail cell for years#what's funnier is that i dont even talk to him he just attacks me like this because he hates me for no fucking reason other than jealousy.#because weve had the same shared trauma but he fucked himself up on purpose to be pitied and i held on and now im independent#and he hates that he cant have my attention anymore after all the years ive been the one TRYING SO HARD#homecooked meals and covering for his ass. cleaning his piss and puke and lending him money anf shit. listening to hi.#bro didn't even care to be nice the tiniest bit to me when i was on the floor after fainting or vomiting blood or when i needed rest because#i was going to work with a fever 10 hours a day to pay hospital and home bills.#lmfao abusive fuck#out of everyone ive left im glad he can see every day how good im having it since i stopped talking to him. thats why hes angry and follows#me around and stares and curses me out. im just quiet. neutral. no expressions no words. and it pisses him off. good eat your liver out#over it bitch#im leaving in 3 hours anyway lmao
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when hyunjin said that he went one day to wod and saw minho dancing with his team from soul dance in 2016 before minho joined jyp and then they met in 2017 (jyp) and when seungmin said minho probably wouldn't have met the skz members if it wasn't bc they're in the same group now and minho said he would've met hyunjin. soulmatism.
#i could go on and on abt hyunho tbh#like the fact that they cant look at the other's eyes????? 😭#or when hyunjin used to tease minho abt his snow's selcas and then he was the one to ask him to post more of them#also when lino was begging hyunjin to made him a bracelet !!!! <3#or when lino looks at hyunjin with heart eyes (THERE'RE A LOT OF THESE) literally melting bc he has an ugly soft spot he cant even deny it#the fact that minho became the biggest clingy person when hyunjin came back from the hiatus like he missed him sm#that day when they went to see the first snow together????!!!#just minho always calling hyunjin his bf and that he wants to kiss him ok lino we get it 😭#btw hyunjin was the one to say he wanted to see the first snow with minho !!#when minho literally used bbl stays to tell hyunjin he wanted to watch spiderman with him 😭😭 DONT U HAVE HIS NUMBER PLS#and apparently they were together bc that same day they watched the first snow so...?#in nye when hyunjin woke up and sent a bbl saying minho was sleeping besides him and later minho sending a bbl saying he got the best sleep#also i have a soft spot for minho just delicately touching hyunjin's hair IM INSANE 👍🥶#btw minho didnt even dare to take his bracelet off even when hyunjin was on a hiatus :D#oh and when they had to quarantine and since they changed rooms they weren't together anymore and they facetimed for hours 😭#hyunjin likes spending time by himself and doing his stuff but minho doesn't want him to be alone so they go to eat tgt#the photobooth pics im so sad rn and i miss them :(#and when hyunjin said he liked go to theaters alone to watch a movie and minho (AGAIN) said ill go with u but sit in a different row#so when it finishes we'll go home together DUDE ?! i lov lino :(#also idk how many times has minho been to hyunjin's room just to watch him draw tbh but one time hyunjin talked him into drawing w him and#it was the cutest thing ever#they both love dancing !!!! and reading !!!!! my best friends#btw it was Serious for minho when hyunjin came back in 2021 everyone was like what's going on with them 😭😭 me too#anw yeah minho just being bold and flirting with hyunjin and hyunjin just giggling like 😭 GET UPPPP#also they always mention the other while they're live they think they're Me 🫤#they love each other sm and they're really special to me :(#no one gets hyunho like i do Truly 😔☝️#hyunho#skz
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so nothings ever been difficult for me in my life because it was more difficult for you.
#right.#im going into junior year with all honors and ap classes.#i have to maintain my gpa so i can get into college.#you never did homework and passed your class with Cs Ds and a few Bs#i have to get straight As or im 'struggling' and 'we can get you a tutor'#which means#in dad language#that im not smart enough. and hes disappointed that he cant brag about it anymore#but no one in the world has ever had more hardships than you#post posting#and he does know that school is more than just academics right.#he was a popular football player#then after school he went home..#i have like four friends#who im not even very close with#and im joining two clubs#on top of band#jazz band#and this college course im taking#but my life could never be nearly as difficult as his..#right..#vent tw#sorry to vent on main but im very close to stabbing my father
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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