#i just cant be at his home anymore
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I hate being mentally ill I hate being spread thin I hate telling people my deepest fears and having them confirm them I hate feeling like no matter how hard I try I'll never be enough and I hate feeling the way I do rn.
#not getting into it except i love my bf so much and he loves me so much and im never leaving him for a second#but i might have to move out of his house cause i feel so unwelcome now#which is my own fault#it's unfortunate this had to happen while on vacation cause now i have to be stuck in a shuttle with his family for 2 hours then on a plane#for 6+ hours then we have to get 'home'#except i feel like i cant stay there#but when i told my bf that he had a full panic attack. he was the most scared ive ever seen him#and i felt so fucking guilty for making him think id ever leave him cause i wont#i just cant be at his home anymore#i cant live with his family or with mine#and we have to wait so long to be on our own#and idk how im gonna manage that#we decided the night before we would marry each other once we have our own home. but now i feel so lost on how we're gonna get there#we cant afford rent anywhere the apartment they would build for us is the most affordable option By Far#but its gonna take so many more months to reach that point#i dont understand how we're supposed to reach that point#i am just. so fucking depressed. real and true depressed. i cant move i cant think i have to pack and get breakfast but i cant do any of it#i need him to go talk to his family without me so i can pack my stuff alone and just be ready to leave#but i feel like thatll make it worse#but itll also be worse if im there with him#i just want him to stand up for himself so badly. and i know how it is to crumple under your mothers guilt ive done it so many times before#this situation is just. so awful. i just want to be home and idek where that is anymore#its not my dads house. its not my moms house. its not my bfs house. its just wherever i am next to him#but im clearly putting a divide between him and his family and i cant let that happen#im distant from my family too but they always tell me its okay cause they see how happy i am#but his parents cant seem to do that#his mom anyways#and his sister basically hates me. and yeah shes hot headed and protective. and yeah i snapped last night#but now i feel like ive just fucked up and i dont know how to go back to that house. ever. not without immense guilt.
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ok so
the instructions were for Wally, not the whrp/qa/You. which is especially interesting, because I think we all assumed they were instructions from Wally - after all, he's the one telling the whrp that they have work to do, he's sending envelopes (assumedly), he's sort of the driving force behind the whole in-universe project. he calls the shots, in a way. he's the one with the phone.
so who the hell is giving Wally instructions?
is it related to the distorted "extra" voice under Wally's in some of his hidden record audios? is it related to Sally's "monster"? is there someone else in Home?
just... there's a whole 'nother layer underneath Wally that i think is really scary. there's something else there, i feel. i Fear. i wonder if Wally is aware of it, or if he isn't quite as aware as we all - including him - like to think. how aware can a puppet be if they can't see their own strings (so to speak)? it's one thing to know what you are, and another entirely to understand what that entails.
#is there a puppetmaster? something or someone lurking underneath the surface?#i know there's not like... a Big Bad if i remember correctly#but im really suspicious that there is something Extra fucking with wally#like i really hope wally is acting of his own accord#but then again - what if its a mix of him acting on his own AND something else pushing him forward#is there something trying to get Out of home?#i think now of the 'im going to get it out' sentence from the about us page#i feel like wally is trying to stay In. i feel like he just wants to revive the show but he wants to Stay#so what the hell is trying get Out. to Leave#that sentence could just be talking about the show / memories of it#but now. im just. im thinking#homebogging#and i cant remember exactly but something about wally closing the guestbook bc it wasnt 'fun' anymore for some reason#i doubt the extra secret Something is home themself#because home seems to be Suffering to an extent from wally's attempts to connect with the 'outside' world#SO WHAT IS IT? HUH#i swear to fuck its connected to sally's so-called monster. the distortion. the spiral/eye pit. something looking through wally#which - no too many thoughts about that to say in tags#AND WHY IS WALLY DOING WHAT WHATEVER IT IS SAYS#is it automatic? like a 'oh. instructions. ill follow them' or does he Know who's talking to him or or or#i feel like an entire layer of the story was just revealed to us in one small simple marvelous update#who the hell is telling wally darling what to do...
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why cant my dad just do things for himself once and awhile im so tired of this
#he has physical issues and mental but bro he doesnt even try to help himself#hes in pain constantly and wont do jack shit about it#and he KNOWS if he starts doing a little more than sit and watch tv all day he'll feel atleast slightly better#the healing process is painful both physically and mentally but he hasnt even started it#he makes me so mad oh my god#i grew up with my mom telling me “he acts that way because hes in pain” DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT#he literally tries nothing. hes gonna die in the next 10 years#hes unhealthy and overweight and barely eats and his teeth are all messed up and he cant eat anything without it hurting like hell#but nooo he wont go to the dentist noooo#we HAVE insurance its not like a money thing jesus christ#ive barely had a father because of this he's constantly in pain and so he doesnt want to talk to anyone hes threatened to hit mymom and#later blamed it on his back pain#oh my god i cannot live with him anymore im so tired of it#he doesnt even.work my mom has to work until night to feed us and keep this house running and then my dad buys random shit off the Internet#and then fucking turns around and YELLS at my mom after she gets home from a looong day of work asking Why she spends so much money#its HER money. idgaf if you share a bank account or whatever its HERS she earned all of that and spends it on shit YOU NEED.#he has brought NOTHING to this family for the last 10 years besides being a father andhe DOESNT EVEN DO THAT#ohhh and his medicine he takes for all this pain “helps him” no the fuck it doesnt hes still in somuch pain. and then it makes him tired#and he sleeps all day ohmygod#hes just there at this point. i come home and dont even look at him cuz i Know hes sitting in that stupid chair in the living room#ive tried so hard to understand that “oh he's just..acting like that cuz hes in pain and .cant help it” I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE#it feels like i barely have a father#and the audacity he has to boss me around. like i understand im your child but oh my god let me live. i dont wanna end up like you#okay hes in pain yeah? DO SOMETHING ABOUT. IT that is NO excuse to be a shitty dad. NO excuse#oh yeah i have a dad but hes emotionally distant and never sees me becausehe wont get off his lazy ass#but yet i cant stop loving him. hes so much like me sometimes and that scares me#im going mad okay
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getting sooooo emotional abt how like. when rick and bp meet again during the federation stuff its like theyre completely different ppl from who they were when they last saw each other. but it almost makes them become closer instead of driving them apart… until of course their values clash in the worst possible way
#i cant word this properly my brain is mush and im trying to fight thru 1billion hc world#BUT LIKE. U UNDERSTANDDD. RIGHT#this happens every time they spend a while away from each other#one or the other or both chnage. but it still stays the same#ill have to draw or write abt it at some point. but i have exams in like a week 😢#gyadddd damn tho… thw flesh curtains/federation time gap esp drives me insane#bc likeeee. rick is already kinda fucked up when they meet. but way better at playing it off#and it never comes up. like hes not in tht deep yet#but later on he Cant hide it anymore. so much so that bp Has to become involved in ricks issues#and while rick still has that smallllll part of himself that still cares. hes much less trusting and shit by that point#which makes it so much more meaningful to me to have bp become involved at this point#and on the othwr hand u have bp going from sweet and kinda naive#to much more … serious ig. and mature. due to his home being destroyed or w/e#but hes contrasts rick in being far more compassionate and liek. genuinely heroic#from his pov maybe theyve both grown up a bit. but from ricks pov its just bp thats changed#i see rick as being far less aware of his own slow downfall. while its more obviosu to others (esp bp)#gggyaahhhh….. they make me so so ill#birdrick
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sometimes my parents make me want to commit violent crimes
#mine#sorry for putting this on your dash im just angry & have no one i can really bother with this#my brother said he wasnt sure if he wanted to come with us to a castle tomorrow#but hes too young to be home alone all day#so i went to tell my parents bc i sidnt think they wanted to learn that tomorrow morning#instead of even asking why they immediately started with the passive agressive comments#and in an annoyed tone going 'i just dont get what could be so bad about a day of fun with family'#first of all he didnt even say he wasnt goint#second shut the fuck up#he cant speak anymore & is crying#i offer him a bunch of alternatives while my father insults each one and makes it sound ridiculous#while my brother types on his phone#my father starts ranting at my parent about it#as if my brother isnt right fucking there and also 11 years old#im so happy he isnt coming with us#like yeah i never see him but the times i do are always so horrible that im kinda glad about it#he avoids us like the plague & we avoid him back#my parent is fine most of the time#but never in situations like this#if other people are upset in a way that inconviences them theyre shit about it too#anything related to not doing good in school also#and like im fine#im upset sometimes sure but i know i dont deserve this & i can deal with it fine#i dont think my brother deals with it very well though#so im very worried about him#especially bc i think high school is going to be a big struggle for him#possibly more than me#and tbh i think im more of a parental figure to him than our actual parents
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Pics of the cat who is now in my storage closet send help
To be fair, the carpet is softer than concrete 😅 His name is Skinny
#hes a starved stray ive been feeding for months#he was nearly dying when i found him and he lives solely off the canned food people sometimes leave out for him#hes severely underweight and his hip bones stick out and his spine is like a stegosaurus#i finally found him a potential foster and there's a storm so yeah hes trapped in my closet for the night lol#a feral cat i thought mightve been him was hit by a car yesterday and when i found him ok today i hugged him and cried. I just cant#let him be a stray anymore he needs a home or hell be next 🥺#cats#rant#vent
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ha ha ha. the way my feelings started to grow for my best friend right before I found out he's moving states and states away over the summer. ha ha ha. so pony and johnny core hahhaha
#see i was JUST about to tell him how i felt (maybe)#and i was JUST about to suggest a qpr (maybe)#and now i find out hes leaving me...#EVIL!!#hahaha this is sooo doomed ponyboy and johnny qpr hahaha#i always knew one of us would make it out of this shitty little town and one of us wouldnt#and maybe this entire time i knew id be the one to stay. of my own choice? i cant even tell anymore#but to finally understand what he means to me after all of these years and to know hes on his way out#very heartbreaking!#this town is a dead end road. lets leave this behind lets just get up and go#find a new place to call home. make a new life we can call our own#someplace where we can be free. free to decide who we want to be.#it certainly is all becoming clear now isnt it?#i want to get up and just go with him but how do i get out of this poor ass town#and the worst part? we're both bound for bigger things its just that one of us has a way to get there#and its certainly not me#also did i mention hes moving far out to the country? am im stuck in this little poor town?#and weve always talked about a life spent together?#feeling very doomed right now#life imitates art i guess#sooo...if anyones up to hear me rant or vent through my little heartbreak
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god i really wish i could just. control my voice. could control my volume and how much i speak.
#vent in tags#cant take the bus home anymore. last time the driver didnt hear me when i pointed out my stop#i was in the front seat. i was being as loud as i could. he couldnt even hear that i was talking.#i think one of my coworkers might think i dont like her. she says hi every time we pass each other#all i can do is a little nod. i can hardly ever say hi on command#cant always speak on command in general.#i need to be prepared. to be anticipating a conversation#and even then im too quiet#or if im w friends and family im too loud. i talk too much. too fast#i just. i wish it was in my control#it is for everyone else in the world. why not me.#actually autistic#ok to rb#rambling
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need 2 isolate myself and unfriend everyone #asap
#this guy who is still my friend i guess annoys me and ive been avoiding him and he confronted me and cried yesterday and i felt bad but more#ab the situation than our friendship because he puts himself into places without friends by being judgy and rude and wondering why ppl dont#wanna stick around him idk. i guess we're still cool but he clings onto me and its really annoying bc i want him to stop but i dont want to#be rude and hes just getting on my nerves and ik its bad to be like annoyed w ur friends but i literally just .our energies dont match and#its so exhausting to be near him so i need to do the right thing and tell him the truth and let him decide if he wants to cling on more or#not but i already did that tbh yesterday like. i told him i genuinely dont have the energy to match his and he asked 'when can we go back to#being normal' ?? i just said i felt better and comfortable being more alone and off than w him cant he stop. do i need to break his heart#hes really intelligent and hes able to tell these signs so idk why hes so hellbent on being stuck on me when ive literally said he tires me#cant he leave me alone. i already feel bad enough for feeling this way but last yr i didnt get to have any other friends irl bc he would#just cling on and drag or follow me and i barely had time to spend with anyone else and im stuck in a club i dont care for now bc he kept#pushing. like two or three of then actually idk why he cant just understand i dont want this nor any codependency w him anymore when ivebeen#like telling him already#sorry i have tutoring soon but im exhausted and feel horrible but whatever ill be fine etc i just need him to stop#on a brighter note. idk. im going to disney soon#post#vent#to delete#my lover please come home . only person i can admit my feelings directly to !. not on a vague tumblr post lmfao#/nbh btw obv bc why would i post it if it was#i need to play genshin kaedehara kazuha save me please give me a big fat kiss now
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at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.
#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in#stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and#deal with his baggage.#i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the#doctor who can stay with donna & with rose.#she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of#never changing characters names when i trans them.#but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet.#like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own#person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but#she has her wife at home.#and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back.#this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out.#its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them.#but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas.#but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it#work.#but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3#dw oc
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the scene in yakuza 5 where shinada and milky dance on the roof talking about how they should run away and start over in a new town with new jobs and new lives, only for milky to abruptly stop and let shinada go when she gets called back downstairs to work, while shinada is sent stumbling by suddenly being let go until he too comes to a stop, burns a hole in my brain
#rambles#yakuza#yakuza liveblogging#like man. MAN. that shit hits home#milky saying 'i wanna be a teacher this time- that was my dream as a kid!'#and shinada replying 'you can! nothings stopping you! you can start over!' with a tone that borders on hysterical#he's so desperate to believe it's possible because in that moment he can see it- he sees his way out#for a moment he's blind to all the things that have kept him from doing exactly what he's proposing every other time he's considered it#hes trapped in a glass house- he can see freedom but knows he cant reach it. but for a moment he lets himself forget the glass is there#but milky doesnt. she thinks hes being cute and plays along but as soon as she lets him go the music cuts and the moment is gone.#reality comes crashing back down- they're not going anywhere.#and i mean. idk if this is a common/universal experience but ive had many a late night where ive done exactly the same thing#fantasized about quitting my job/going back to school/finding some means of self employment/moving somewhere totally new#and ive had those fleeting moments where i could see it- i could see how i could make it work#or i could see that there's nothing *physically* stopping me from doing any of those things#and if i could just sum up enough courage i could do anything i wanted with my life#but then i wake up the next day and that vision is gone.#i cant see outside the glass house anymore- i can only see the reflection of the inside.#tl;dr i should revisit y5- the writers were cooking and i didnt take enough time to savor it#(esp not the shinada section bc i hated his combat style lol)
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Wow threats of violence and death woe is me. Bitch it's been like this for years if you hate me kill me already and if you don't plan to just shut that shit spitting asshole mouth of yours.
I have nothing to lose if he actually carried on with it, he'd do me a favour. It's funny to me he thinks he scares me and its even funnier he gets more angry when I laugh.
Bro I got used to your abusive shit, it's another day of you being an aggressive coward to me after I ignored you for months even if you wanted a reaction. I don't give a shit lmao
#misc#i cannot take him seriously#i remember i used to be scared back in 2019 lmao bruh hit me if you dare. ill make sure you never step foot in this house or out of a#jail cell for years#what's funnier is that i dont even talk to him he just attacks me like this because he hates me for no fucking reason other than jealousy.#because weve had the same shared trauma but he fucked himself up on purpose to be pitied and i held on and now im independent#and he hates that he cant have my attention anymore after all the years ive been the one TRYING SO HARD#homecooked meals and covering for his ass. cleaning his piss and puke and lending him money anf shit. listening to hi.#bro didn't even care to be nice the tiniest bit to me when i was on the floor after fainting or vomiting blood or when i needed rest because#i was going to work with a fever 10 hours a day to pay hospital and home bills.#lmfao abusive fuck#out of everyone ive left im glad he can see every day how good im having it since i stopped talking to him. thats why hes angry and follows#me around and stares and curses me out. im just quiet. neutral. no expressions no words. and it pisses him off. good eat your liver out#over it bitch#im leaving in 3 hours anyway lmao
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when hyunjin said that he went one day to wod and saw minho dancing with his team from soul dance in 2016 before minho joined jyp and then they met in 2017 (jyp) and when seungmin said minho probably wouldn't have met the skz members if it wasn't bc they're in the same group now and minho said he would've met hyunjin. soulmatism.
#i could go on and on abt hyunho tbh#like the fact that they cant look at the other's eyes????? 😭#or when hyunjin used to tease minho abt his snow's selcas and then he was the one to ask him to post more of them#also when lino was begging hyunjin to made him a bracelet !!!! <3#or when lino looks at hyunjin with heart eyes (THERE'RE A LOT OF THESE) literally melting bc he has an ugly soft spot he cant even deny it#the fact that minho became the biggest clingy person when hyunjin came back from the hiatus like he missed him sm#that day when they went to see the first snow together????!!!#just minho always calling hyunjin his bf and that he wants to kiss him ok lino we get it 😭#btw hyunjin was the one to say he wanted to see the first snow with minho !!#when minho literally used bbl stays to tell hyunjin he wanted to watch spiderman with him 😭😭 DONT U HAVE HIS NUMBER PLS#and apparently they were together bc that same day they watched the first snow so...?#in nye when hyunjin woke up and sent a bbl saying minho was sleeping besides him and later minho sending a bbl saying he got the best sleep#also i have a soft spot for minho just delicately touching hyunjin's hair IM INSANE 👍🥶#btw minho didnt even dare to take his bracelet off even when hyunjin was on a hiatus :D#oh and when they had to quarantine and since they changed rooms they weren't together anymore and they facetimed for hours 😭#hyunjin likes spending time by himself and doing his stuff but minho doesn't want him to be alone so they go to eat tgt#the photobooth pics im so sad rn and i miss them :(#and when hyunjin said he liked go to theaters alone to watch a movie and minho (AGAIN) said ill go with u but sit in a different row#so when it finishes we'll go home together DUDE ?! i lov lino :(#also idk how many times has minho been to hyunjin's room just to watch him draw tbh but one time hyunjin talked him into drawing w him and#it was the cutest thing ever#they both love dancing !!!! and reading !!!!! my best friends#btw it was Serious for minho when hyunjin came back in 2021 everyone was like what's going on with them 😭😭 me too#anw yeah minho just being bold and flirting with hyunjin and hyunjin just giggling like 😭 GET UPPPP#also they always mention the other while they're live they think they're Me 🫤#they love each other sm and they're really special to me :(#no one gets hyunho like i do Truly 😔☝️#hyunho#skz
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so nothings ever been difficult for me in my life because it was more difficult for you.
#right.#im going into junior year with all honors and ap classes.#i have to maintain my gpa so i can get into college.#you never did homework and passed your class with Cs Ds and a few Bs#i have to get straight As or im 'struggling' and 'we can get you a tutor'#which means#in dad language#that im not smart enough. and hes disappointed that he cant brag about it anymore#but no one in the world has ever had more hardships than you#post posting#and he does know that school is more than just academics right.#he was a popular football player#then after school he went home..#i have like four friends#who im not even very close with#and im joining two clubs#on top of band#jazz band#and this college course im taking#but my life could never be nearly as difficult as his..#right..#vent tw#sorry to vent on main but im very close to stabbing my father
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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watching these tv shows about serial killers has me thinking about how my younger brother was only like 10% bad choices away from being an Actual murderer. he's calmed down a lot now but even 5 years ago i wouldnt have put it past him to try and kill me or my sister, he used to try to stab us with a kitchen knife and we'd lock ourselves in the bathroom FJDMDMDKDSMJ
#there is...... so much context to our lives and his behaviour#he always had a horrible temper anger issues and violence ever since he was a literal toddler#he got in trouble at school for a thousand different reasons and would try to fight kids in the neighborhood. he was HORRIBLE#and im sure our parents enabled him or made him worse in a thousand different ways#he loved my older sister but ALWAYS hated me and my younger sister bcuz we were closer in age#he was horrible to us. which is weird to say bcuz he's like 4 years younger than me but duuude the shit he used to say and do#also he was an anti-sjw transphobic nazi for like a good few years#THAT BEING SAID he is my brother and he's better now and a lot more chill & doesnt do anything bad anymore#just plays video games and posts pro-palestine stuff on twitter. probably a good thing he was removed from the home when he was#also i was a pretty terrible kid too maybe less outwardly violent but i cant even blame him lmao. Anyway its weird to think#if our lives had turned out slightly different he would have murdered me and my sister when we were kids#family is weird#txt
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