#i jusg. i just cant anymore

[vespertin-y]

just saw someone say ‘dni if you sexualize kid-adjacent characters like venti xiao and the twins’ i can’t FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMOREEEE

[candyskiez]

Girl help I am completely giving up 👍

[ningningkittie]

the anxiety pills arent even working :c

[wollfling]

.

[ace-with--a-mace]

i think ive been in a constant state of melancholy

[grimescum]

kind of a rant/vent? posting this in the "hellsing ocs" tag because there's quite a bit about my oc claudine here that i dont think i've mentioned before

in very simple terms i am currently thinking about her and how difficult it feels to make content for her

theres like. SO much i wanna draw with her that i just dont have the energy to. her over the top cartoony mannerisms, the fact that she is essentially genderfluid like alucard and can present as any gender she wishes, the fact that she has no particular weapon that isn't a fake or a gag weapon (like those bang guns), her horribly tacky vintage mom fashion sense,

she's so much fun in my head but i don't know how to convey that in art outside of stupid vaguely romantic drawings of her and walter and its so damn annoying. i can never string together enough coherent thoughts talk about her in any situations or scenarios or whatever. comics take a lot of energy, motivation and dedication that i fear i might not have. i get anxious writing dialogue for her because i worry about it being corny in a bad way. i feel like i can't write fanfic anymore because of my brain fog as well as, like, everything else i listed

i actually had an idea for a ""comic"", or more like a series of pictures with her and walter based on "you're at the party" by lemon demon that was gonna show off a LOT of things, like how her worm-parasites work to induce delusions and how she initially used it to lure in walter with the prospect of no longer feeling like an outsider and a tool

heres a few panels from that (started on may 5th 2024)

i've only done 7 sketches, technically i could still finish. i think the fact that it might take a while to do so might be part of it.

ALSO not to mention the fact that their relationship, in my head, is very interesting and something that brings me a lot of comfort to think about!!!!! but i cant verbalize it or make it physical through my art and jusg. ough

i guess i should just start small or at the very least try to work on how i feel when it comes to my art taking a while

shes not the best but i genuinely love her a lot. she embodies my favorite character tropes and she's a mix of a lot of characters i enjoy. i do admit i get a little jealous seeing other peoples hellsing ocs gaining traction (for good reason btw!!) as if the major difference between mine and other peoples is the amount of content for them. weh. wah wah wah wah

looking through my art of her makes me feel a bit better though. i think her personality shows well even in my sketches and doodles. wegh

[onlyjaeyun]

sorry to rant but i just found out ive been learning the wrong shit for my exam that i literally have in two days and i cant stop crying because im so exhausted from school ive been having exams nonstop and im really trying i just don't think i can do this anymore (dont answer if ur uncomfortable)

oh baby im so, so sorry to hear that i can only imagine how frustrated and lost you feel :( i know exactly how you feel especially considering how close the exam is and i understand how close you sre to giving up, yet i jusg know you can do it. allow yourself the time to grieve your hard work snd compose yourself snd then maybe try and approach it a little differently to make it essier for you. its okay to feel sad and annoyed and be mad and angry bc of this baby, dont let anyone downplay your feelings. this is absolutely valid and honestly i wish i could just hold you snd tell you how hard you've been working. regardless of your decision just know im so, so proud of you snd how far you've come 🥺🩷

[humblenolifer]

i am grateful for all of the relationships i have made in my life, Im especially grateful for the relationsohhips ive been blessed with, the ones that stay strong after many years and the ones that break but come back stronger. I am grateful to have people in my life that have seen me at my worst but still see me no different.

this full moon/month, ive struggled a lot with my relatonship with my current bf. this whole month i felt stuck in my head or in another world. i lost sense of what was real and what my head was telling me. Ive learned to judge actions and not potential. Ive learned to jusge andy based on what he does, not what he tells me or fails to tell me.

because of this, i am grateful that he has stuck by my side all these years, even after seeing at my worst state of controlling my emotions. He’s seen it so many times but is still with me. i am grateful that he loves my little cousins like family.

i am gateful that andy tries to do things that i tell him to do even if he doesnt understand it. i am grateful that andy supports me in any of my choices. i am grateful to be loved by another person. I am grateful to be loved by andy.

i am grateful for all these things, yes. but that doesn’t change the things he does.

he kept his gambling from me for 1 year. i felt like he was keeping stuff from me and when i confronted him about it, he got mad and lied to my face, multiple times. he doesnt drop his guard for me. i dont see his vulnerable side a lot. he doesnt have clear priorities. he dropped out of college and is now gambling for a career. i get that this could be a break year for him to figure things out but then at least make time to hang out with me... we havent been on a real date in months. just boring dinners at the places we always go to. he doesn’t put in effort to take me to nice places any more. he doesnt spend quality time with me anymore. hugging him doesnt feel like home anymore.

im not sure who he is anymore. but that could be because im not sure who i am anymore either. its not that i dont know myself, its just that i havent thought abiout myself or my likes, interest and personality in a long time. i need to get to know myself again. re introduce. i should be friends with myself but i cant be friends and trust someone that i don’t know.

[straightjacket111]

everything just hurts alot. think about what more did she hide. for the past few months after the break up. it really hurts when u really want to work it out with ur partner. and then it js started to coming falling down due to the shit she did and everything else. i thought i was the problem. ive realised too much i wasnt. i know i did my mistakes but for her to change ?. its too hard cuz nothing can change. its tiring really. i js wish i cud give my self one last chance to her but no. i had enough. my is too weak. im already too weak. everything just starting to fall apart . everything in my life. whats in my head is what more is it shes going to do. i know daf she wil go back to dat same habit again talking to those guys flirting with them and all right after this. i definitely know that. cuz if i was really the only one. why is it so fast of her talking to all of them and layaning them and shes not even listening to what i say bout them. it wasnt the guys fault but it was her fault. her fault to fucking continue talking to them like nothing happen. why is there always other guys in every rs ive been thru. why cant i js trust like dat. why do everytime when i gave them my fully trust i get treated like this. wtf is this. its like im being taken for granted. i know this shit will continue trust me i know. i bet by tmr she will start follwing all of them and everything else. i know. talking bout so easy for me ?. not me its u. its so easy of u to talk to all of them when we trying to work it out and right after we broke up right now. is it easy for me ?no. because all i ever think is all girls are fucking the same.

i fucking knew i loved you. i fuckinf knew that i gave my all to u because ure my first love. i jusg fuckinf wish u realised sooner of what u did. u know it was wrong. u fucking knew why did u fucking continue it. why tf . do u see how much im in pain right nkw really tryinf to kill myself and everythinf else. do u know how much i feel so alone. dealing with all this shit. i never wan to be in rs with anyone because of u . are u happy bout dat ? dat u can talk to other guys but not me. u fucking knew dats why fuckinf made me like this. u fucking gaslight me. manipulate me and everything else. u fucking knew what u did wrong and now ure telling why ive changed and not like who i use to be. because of u. i let u step my head again. i really just fuckinf wish u nvr did all of rhose stuff to me but to other guys. i really just wish dat u know. because its always the same shit all over again. where they make me special and suddenly theyre treating me like this. is dat what u called love ?. if u really fucking love me u only talked to me . and only doing it with me . just me. wtf is this. im hurt not js beacuse u did dat but. because i really fucking love you. i believed in u. i did everything cud to trust u. because of the words u said by saying that im too much and everythinf else. ive changed and this is what i get. it really fucking hurt u know because i really love you. i loved you so fucking much u know. just why.

i really feel like killing myself because of how much im dissapointed and embarrased at myself. because i did everythinf i cud and i always wonder why is it that we're always fighting and everything else. because the other half not working on it too. u thought me alof. u thought me alot of how shitty girls is and how theyre all the same. i wont even go back to who i was anymore. u wont see a word. a pic. anyth else u wont see me anymore. even if i die. i know u wont care about it because ure too fucking bz with ur guys and flirting ard and fucking pillioning them. i fucking know. so if i die. just know that i died happily. because speed makes me happy.

[coolshoeshineventaccxd]

rape tw or sum

and drugs

and drugging

YIPPIE

im also not making a cut bc i dont know how

so

jesus fuck kf all mighty that was fucking. terrivle. Like i dont normally minf it bwcause its just paula but nlw it was 2 other fauckint people

lile All fuvking night aswell andni xpuldnt even attempt to fdo anytging bc shr dtugged me and i was paralyzed or soemethibfg i jist knew it qas happpenibg its so unfair

and i dont wcebn know who that pTger persokn is its not fuckibng fairlike. i knrow it was adonael ans paula bht i dont knoe ewho else and thats not evwbn fuckingcfaotr

oh my god and what did noodle haatear becauss i sont evebn know jow muvh bpise it made but i know it was bas becayse it was 1. being dodmte in the main are a and 2. 3 pdoeoplae doing it to me

i actauakly feel genuinely sicmk likr i deel like im ginna start fthrowjbg up its not fair

ahes likq fuvning carved her name jnto me and shes cht me and im sivk of this all i cant eveb cry anymore i just exist

ans and i cant even ereLaly feel hsppy no mlre i cant lie bwczause noodle isnt talkijng to me beczuzse shes scared psula wkll do zummin snd i vsn t talk to russ bwcause she fuckknv said ao

its like i wake up sit there get raped front leave front get raped zone oht for 20 mins uh go bk in frokt she touches me up qhile jm in fromt she asks me to lesve front she rapes me and the cycle xomtinues

and oh god ita gonma be worse dlnow bwcause its 2 otger pepople fivlufk ufkfu kfu kcuvjbju

tjis isnt fair im sobbibg i hagd gbis all and i jusy wanna hug ftom spmronr becshdd thjd xbojldnt bs hapepenjng it ismt fuking fair

and i know itscshurtibg tbe pdpple arpund me too and thTs why im so upzst ive given uo but shs atarrtred druggibf me soni csnt move

aaa its nit fait amd im so w9rried abt mudz but he foessnt want ppl wprried abput him but likr itd not fair for him ljme id do anhtving to stop it id havd gabroel just do it tp me instead lkke so a cheeky systhem hop jusg can je plsaaw stop bc theb that wpulf maks noodle Nm mhdz, huappy

aaaaaa i cant even do abytbibg

[noloveisunconditional]

I can't wait to live alone so I can do all my weird cleaning rituals free of judgment

[skiachtro]

.

[alwayschangingstuff]

[kawaragi]

hiiiiiii! can i ask what kind of pellets you feed your rabbits? and do you use timothy hay for them? and can i ask for some tips on how to take care of them? i have a rabbit too but it's my first time taking care of one, so i still kinda don't know what to do yet heheheh. it's fine if you don't want to answer though heheheheheh

hi! i’ll answer this ofc hehe im not an expert by any means but these r just precautions me and my sister take from videos about rabbits and even asking my friends for advice ^^ so sorry for the small text!

1) rn we use smallworld’s brand for pellets - it works perfectly fine and my rabbits really like them so it works the best for us !! oxbow is a good brand too and probably recommended by a lot of rabbit owners

2) we use timothy hay yes ! if ur rabbit is really young and small, use alfalfa. and please remember to always always ALWAYS keep your hay stocked and accessible to ur rabbit. this is an important part of their diet and if they dont get to eat hay for a long while, they’ll go into this stage called GI Stasis. its very very deadly for rabbits bc it affects their intestines and since rabbits dont have the ability to throw up or fart it out, their intestines is a good place to check if your bunny is okay.

3) consider getting them spayed / neutered ! i know that pet owners are 50/50 on the spaying / neutering topic, but i’d say it’s quite beneficial. rabbits are territorial and have a dominant-submissive relationship with other rabbits. when unspayed/unneutered rabbits become mature, they will mark the place that is unrecognizable to them as their territory. whether it’s chinning, pooping, even spraying pee everywhere to put their scent on said places. it’s super troublesome and they’ll also try and reproduce if they’re unspayed/neutered because their hormones are going absolutely crazy. if your rabbit is a female rabbit, PLEASE go get her spayed. female rabbits who are not spayed are prone to uterine tumours.

i think thats everything regarding health so let’s talk about bunnyproofing your home!

4) my rabbits are free roamed during the day and we put them back in their cages when we go to sleep and we let them back out the next day. my rabbits are neutered so we don’t really have to worry about their past behaviors of spraying pee everywhere. we blocked out every little space that my rabbits could get into bc theyre very curious little things and could possibly get themselves in danger.

5) keep your cords and cables OUT OF SIGHT!!!! rabbits are so so SOOOO notorious for destroying anything and everything that gets in their way and unfortunately almost every household has a fuckton of cords and cables and theyre all bound to be cut by rabbits. getting cable covers is a good idea but we never got one, my dad just replaces them BDSNBS

6) cardboard r good toys for rabbits and they can chew on them! just watch them and make sure they dont chew too much otherwise it’s possible for them to get intestinal blockages (which i thought song had but… he was jusg constipated and gassy…) sticks are also good!! my mom takes apple sticks from my grandma’s garden and dries them up before giving them to my rabbits :)

7) i live in a carpeted apartment and having rabbits is like … homicide for the carpet :/ if u live in the same type of apartment as me pls make sure ur rabbit doesnt rip up the carpet as often 😭

8) RABBITS CAN BE TRAINED TO USE LITTERBOXES!!!!!! we didnt really have to train my rabbits, they just started using the litterboxes on their own and u can do this by putting their poops in the box with some hay and bc of the scent, it’ll make them think that that is their territory :3 it’ll save u so much trouble and less poop to clean up. other places will advice u to get like chips for the pee to soak in but we just use a regular like pee pad for dogs bc its easy to change out

9) block out any small spaces that they could potentially get into. that includes spaces under the bed, under the couch, behind the tv where there are cords and cables, dressers - i don’t have this problem with song bc hes bigger in size and he knows he cant fit, but i have this problem with sang! hes much much smaller and he fits in small spaces and crawls in them easier and its just a pain to get him out so keep this in mind if ur rabbit is a menace and smaller in size ^

i think thats everything for bunnyproofing? so here r some other like things fhat we do for my rabbits

10) rabbits are just like cats and dogs, they settle for anything in terms of toys - i gave sang a small box and he plays with it and chews on it. its important to give them something to chew on if theyre not chewing hay bc rabbits’ teeth grow out suuuuper fast and u have to keep them chewing on something bc if u dont, and their teeth grow out, it could cause some growth problems!

11) u dont have to worry about bathing them. like at all. rabbits clean themselves way often than normal, they dont smell either! the only times that should be okay to bathe them is if they r really fucking dirty for example soaked in their own pee. do not AND I MEAN DO NOT regularly bathe them bc it sends them into a shock and could even cause death. we’ve had to do this to song and sang before they were neutered bc theyd be really dirty and soaked in pee and it’s just… gross to see them like that. (if u really really have to bathe them, use baby shampoo! its easier for their skin and their fur)

12) fun fact: rabbits LOVE bananas. they absolutely go fucking crazy over it - just dont give them too much fruits like strawberries and apples in one day bc they could get diabetes 😭 we let our rabbits eat as much as they want bc they stop when they dont want to eat anymore of the banana anyway. unless its song. song doesnt stop eating.

13) rabbits are actually very smart! u can put them in a routine with their meals like if u get them used to eatinf at around 11 am or earlier, they know the time of when they’ll be eating. for me tho song runs over to his bowl when he hears the rattling of the pellets in the scooper we have.

14) rabbits shed yes!! u can use a comb to get the shedding off but do not use a wired one. they have sensitive skin like fr fr sensitive skin and wired combs could cause abrasions on their skin which is never a good thing!!!

15) rabbits are, by nature, prey animals. they are naturally good at hiding their pain and sickness so its very very easy to miss them. u can easily tell if a rabbit isnt feeling well is if they are keeping to themselves, their ears are cold, they lose appetite, they dont move as much - something that’s not common to their usual behavior. so always keep an eye out for them!

i think thats everything i could think of ???? theyre high maintenance yeah just like any other animal but they are quite easy to take care of ! theyre also really really funny animals its adorable and i could fr watch them do their own thing every day.

they can be a lil bitch but tbh its so worth it, they are such cute critters. I JUST AGH I HOPE THIS HELPED U CAN ALWAYS SEND ME AN ASK ABT SOMETHINF AND I’LL GLADLY ANSWER IT FOR U!!!

[lgalacticjayl]

Cats the movie (2019) review

So as many others who watched this movie have done its my turn to tell yall my thoughts after just watching it in theaters.

First off : like no theters are showing it anymore its only playing a 45 min drive away amd only at 9 20 pm so i just spent a lot of time driving and got home at 1. (Because my friend lives even farther away) and thats all in like my northern province area just one show a day.

Second there was my group of 3 another group of 3-4 a couple i think and this random lady by herself. This lady shushed us the whole movie even before the actual movie started and we were laughing at just the sheer concept of it she shushed us and another group and told us to be quite. Even just for laughing. This woman wanted to see and enjoy this movie.

The graphic are just not good. Cats ears clip through cats, their feet don't look like they are touching the ground, the fur texture of clothes is the same as the cats fur and thats unsettling. Some clothes hung above the body and didn't move with the body. Some cats had shoes. WHY? Who made them shoes? Where do they get these clothes from and why can one of them tapdance?

The physics don't make sense. The cats are way to small to be actual cat size and it upsets me. A ring can be worn as a braclet but try that on your cat at home i dare you. But also they had cat sized rings for some cats. Some cats also had gold teeth and i dont like that. Like they were just too small and looked like smurfs rather than cats which also made the mice and cockroaches even smaller. The rats looled to be the size of and inch or two. Some times a cat would hold a dice in his hand, cats also cant grab things, and it was the size of the whole hand but so where his cards and that doesn't even make sense. Did he have cat sized playing cards? Also the movement sometimes like jumping and flying through the air was very un cat like and was way slower than cats fall/move. Cats also shouldn't and dont drink milk so. Their tails also are for balance not decoration. The only good thing is their ears actually showing their emotion.

That brings us to the cats themselves. JUST NO!! WHY? They are just humans with fur and its unsettling! Like its just plastering a face onto a kind of cat head like from what we do in the shadows and then human bodies with a fursuit/morphsuit on. They didnt even change the noses or anything. They still have eyebrows and human eyes. Why do they look so naked!? Especially the McAfee dude or whatever. He has abs! And the females have breasts! Cats have 6 nipples and that would be even worse. Cats dont work like that! At least they are neutered or this would be truly horrifying. Why have hands for paws. Cats have paws. Cats can't grab things. Cats dont have feet. They keep mentioning paws and none of them have paws. Also calico cats can't be males so that one twin cat is trans confirmed.

The plot:

I DON'T KNOW!

Every song sounded like a different langue with random words thrown in lile lamp or whatever and Whats A Jelico Cat? Apparently its like a clan? We had to look it up because it doesnt explain it! There is a song about names and im still confused they never bring it up again in the rest of the movie. That grey cats only role was just showing the new cat around. Honestly there was no plot it was just showing a new cat around and then so.eone got in an airballon. Wierd thing i still don't understand WHY DO THEY CATS HAVE MAGIC !!! But Like Only Some! WHAT? ? Why? Why can that dude teleport other cats? Why does the magician cat have to be like the only good cat? He also has magic i guess and can hold a pencil that is the same heighg as his cards. I also love his jacket and kinda want to make it. Very glad there was no kiss scene but they came very close to having a couple and that was not okay. There was also not a cgi dog thankfully. I did actually like the twins energy and song and drugging of cats. The train cat dude was also cool but much too small for the rails. Not realistic. Gus whose name is ASPARAGUS! for some reason is a theater cat? Idk but i kinda like him he just doing his own thing. The taylor swift song is like the best song but mcafee is uncomfortable to watch still. And theres like an abbandoned cat that gets picked to start a new life by the elder cat and she flies away in an airballon that appears and she disappears into a cat shaped cloud. Before all this sorry um rebel wilson unzips a layer of cat fur to reveal clothes its just unsettling. This happens multiple times. There is a cat that follows warriorcat naming conventions. Magical cat is named after the devil and is the best character. Why did jason derulo have to do this to us.I actually knew the song memories some how before hand. Evil cat lost his powers at some point. The movie ends with the old lady cat looking straight at the camera theough your soul which triggers an innate fight or flight reflex and that gaze is held for wayyyy too long. Never did explain the magic aspect and i know nothing of these cats backstories so much is lost on me. There is also a bunch or random talk about ghost and and afterlife? I think and im pretty confused.

There are some actually funny writen moments and a lot of cat puns. The script itslef isnt bad its pretty standard not like award winning but its good. If it weren't for the whole look of the movie it would be pretty good. If it were properly animated like aristocats it would be a solid movie. That was my rant about cats the movie. Sorry it doesnt make sense the movie was very confusing. I am jusg writing down all the thoughts from my brain.

Overal good time with friends, bad experience with actual movie.

[kath-artic]

.

sorry for doing these again, i just dont have a therapist anymore now and i need it to go somewhere. im just realizing that my assault affects me a lot more than ive let myself admit. i definitely had issues before that but in talking about it ive come to realize that i dont think they were ever this bad. when i was a kid i definitely tailored myself to get a reaction out of people, but it was moreso because i could than because i had to. i got a private enjoyment out of being a character. it was for me. then in middle school one of my closest friends moved on to different friends and suddenly i felt so empty. thats when i went to therapy for the first time and thats when i started tailoring myself out of a necessity to keep others around, but those connections werent fulfilling because i wasnt me. i was a character. it was then that i decided that fulfillment had to come from romance because i wasn't getting it from my friends. love has always been the most important thing in the world to me and that just brought that goal to the forefront of my life. i began to write lists of things i would do with a romantic partner because i wanted to live in a little fantasy world until i could be there in real life. i was still real then though. i still did stupid shit in freshman year of high school because i wanted to. i still knew how to want to do things. then someone i liked told me they liked me and suddenly i could relax. suddenly my lists could be my real life but it was just never like that. if anything that fantasy was used against me. it was always my fault for taking to long to let him do whatever he wanted to me. i was wasting time when i cried and told him no. if i just did what he said without fighting i could have my dream. he never spoke to me in front of his friends either. he never told me anything about himself. he told me he loved me because he knew what that meant to me. i grew up with a father who loved someone and waited for her until she dies and who refuses to leave my mother because he wants to believe that love is real and so it was always my job to have love and do it right for his sake. ever since that point i just axed off pieces of myself to fit with whatever other people wanted because i was so afraid of being an embarrassment again. because i just wanted to be loved and i still do. now i depend on others in order to feel real because i depend on my lists to survive. my days are solely what i HAVE to do plus sitting in apathetic silence and im sick of it. im sick of just surviving. im so afraid ill stop existing if im not observed. other people add an unexpected element to my life that makes me feel present and alive and i want to be able to do that for myself. i want to be in the moment and not in my head. i want to be in control. i think thats why ive been so fucked up about recent events because people keep leaving and telling me that its not me, its them and that i deserve better. but i dont WANT better. i want YOU! i want you to be better but its you that i want! and i cant fix that. if i had done something wrong then id know where to start but i have no control over people leaving because they dont think theyre right for me. im just tired of constantly losing things and i want ti be a better person so that i can be present for love. i dont want to depend on people anymore i dont want to be a soulless character anymore i dont want to jusg survive. i feel like i dont have any willpower because thats the only way to stop me from offing myself.