#i immediately want to engage in self destructive behaviors

[hauntxd]

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[idcbabyialreadylostmymind]

L'appel du Vide

Pairing- Sully Family x Sully!Reader

Summary- You feel the urge to engage in destructive behaviors just to feel alive and your family wants to get to the bottom.

Pt.1 pt.2 pt.3

Warnings- self destructive thoughts/actions, getting slapped, biting someone's ear off, hateful thoughts, description of self harm, self harm, blood/bleeding, crying lmk if I missed something

A/N- did I cry writing the last part bc of my crippling mommy issues yes yes I did but we don't talk about it also tell me how it is 🤭🤭

It's like a call to a void, the adrenaline of putting yourself in danger. Like jumping off a cliff not knowing if your banshee is going to catch you, or slicing your hand with an open blade, or getting into a fight with someone ten times bigger than you. It made you feel real, made you feel alive. And if your not doing it your thinking of it. So why wouldn't you go with your siblings to the old battle field.

"Tuk keep up." Lo'ak said as you pushed a branch out of the way. "Why'd you bring her?" Spider asked and Lo'ak huffed. "She's always like 'I'm telling if you don't let me come you know your not supposed to go to the old battlefield " Lo'ak mocks your younger sibling only making Spider laugh and you roll your eyes at his childish tactics. Tuk pokes her tongue out at him and Kiri comes to her defense. "Don't pick on her." And finally you make it, you and Lo'ak crouch Kiri beside you. "Dad is going to ground you," she whispered to you, "shush can you stop." You reply and she only rolls her eyes. "For life."

behind some bushes you and Lo'ak look around there was all kind of rubble and metal on the ground you hit Lo'ak on the stomach to get his attention. "Let's look around." You say before immediately jumping back, Avatars. "Shit." You whisper Lo'ak looks at them his body freezes. "We have to tell dad." Kiri whispers. Lo'ak goes to touch the microphone on his neck. "Hey dad." Lo'ak whispers, your eyes were glued to the avatars.

"Lo'ak." You hear your father's gruff voice over the ear piece. "Yes we are at the old battle field and there are some Avatars we've never seen them." Silence, "Who is we." Was all your father said afterward you and Lo'ak share a look. "Me, Y/N, spider, Kiri and Tuk." He paused before he said Tuk and you could hear your father sigh. "Just stay safe, Lo'ak Lo'ak!"

Suddenly before you could think your queue was being pulled roughly making you wince in pain. You look around at the kidnappers around you. The avatars. "Show me your fingers." An older man said to Lo'ak and he flips him off and give a screechy hiss and you laugh loudly making Lo'ak chuckle. "Your his alright and you," he says turning around to you pointing a finger. "Your a cute little thing aren't ya' think that's funny?" He asked. You cringe at his statement. "I do actually." He smirks gripping your face. "We'll keep you." He said and all you did was hiss it was deeper and louder than the one Lo'ak previously did.

He gives you a hard slap and all you did was smile as you hear your mother's war call. The man's face fell, "I will kill you as many times as I have to demon." Was the last thing you heard before you saw your father and brother, Neteyam sweep in and get the avatars holding your siblings but they couldn't help you but you didn't need any. As your father held you sister in her arms you took this chance to kick the man holding you kick him in the knee he filps you around arms locking around you and before you knew it you opened your mouth clamping down on the first thing near you and it came off in your mouth the taste of iron on your tongue filling your mouth, the man screamed letting you fall to the ground. You jump up and spit the piece of skin in your mouth blood spilling from it as you spit. "She bit my ear off! The bitch bit my ear off!" He yelled you smiled as you pick a gun up that he had dropped and run off next to your dad.

It was hell after you got home. Your father yelled at you and Lo'ak about how irresponsible you two were and how stupid it was to attack the man holding you. But, this was the usual for you not taking anything to heart but you could see Lo'ak every heart breaking thing your father said to you two it stabbed him a hundred times over. And then your father put everyone of lock down and suddenly everything darkened around you, it felt like you were a dead person in someone you didn't know, like your family and friends weren't really your family and friends.

So there you are sitting at the back of your families home watching the sky, you had the razor blade you swiped from Norm in hand and all of those bad thoughts flew into you again. You griped the balde t as tears fell down your face, "Your not real." Your head thought. "Your nothing." The thoughts consumed you as the blade got closer and closer to your skin and it made contact you held it to the base of your palm. Your eyes clench closed as you held the blade hard and sliced all the way down, the throbbing pain was there and then you take the balde off of your palm and as the blood dropped from your hand, and a sense of comfort fell over you.

Your mother looked at your hand as she wrapped it up, "And you say you accidentally cut yourself when sharpening your dagger." She asked once again and you smile. "Yes I was being stupid I know." You laugh as she lets go of your hand. Before you asked your mother to wrap your hand your father gave you the news you had to leave, it hurt it really did you were leaving the only place you called home but you knew you had to stay strong for your siblings for your Mother.

When you finally made it to the Meykayina all of their eyes were on you and your family it was strange, unsettling. It only got worse the more you stayed there people made fun of you, of your siblings. And that feeling you knew all to well came back you had to cut, and everytime you had a quick explanation. Soon you had scars in various parts of your body, on your sides, inner and outer thighs, your calfs, you even had to wrap you hands up. And after an altercation with Lo'ak and the chiefs son they were forcing you and your siblings to hang out with him and his sister Tsireya. She was nice, sweet you sort of envied her but didn't show it. "Hey forest people." Ao'nung laughed and all you did was roll your eyes. "Hey fish boy." You reply opening your eyes and giving him a sarcastic smile.

He looks taken back but Kiri and Lo'ak burst into laughter as Neteyam hits your arm. "Let's get this day over with." He said getting the ilus saddled up. You stand up and head towards your ikran and they just look at you. "Forest girl where you going!?" Ao'nung yells and you turn around. "I'm going to ride Amhel." And then Neteyam huffed. "What is wrong Neteyam?" Tsireya asked as she lifted her leg over her ilu. "When she rides Amhel that means shes gonna do something stupid and then get in trouble for it." He shook his head as you jumped into her and connected taking off into the sky. It was a dangerous speed, but you didn't care. You did all kinds of things in the air the farther you got into sea. "Flip upside down." You thought and that's what she did. "She's not strapped in!" Tsireya yells watching you as you let your arms swing in the air. Neteyam watched he hates when you did this, but he couldn't stop you.

You made it to the island you land on the warm sand and hop off as the other five to make it to you. Kiri hit you upside the head. "Why are you so stupid always doing dangerous things." She scolded. "Ah and it's not dangerous it's fun have some." You joke rubbing the sore spot she made. "Fun? We rather keep our lives thank you." Neteyam chimed in and you only rolled your eyes. "If I wanted to get scolded I would have stayed with mom and dad..." Trailed off by seeing a huge rock. It was beautiful it started in the water where it has a teal ring, and it goes up as moss and leaves grow on it, it had to be at least fifty felt in the air. "Y/N don't." Neteyam spoke, to late.

You rode Amhel up to the rock and looked down you were sure to die if you jumped and no one caught you. "Perfect." You thought.

Meanwhile on the shore your older brother and sister sit down and put their face in there palms. "Told you, something stupid." Neteyam muttered to the group. Ao'nung had his transparent eyebrows furrowed as he looks between you and your brother. "What is she going to do?" He asked as you got of of Amhel. "Just watch it's so cool." Lo'ak said.

You disconnected you queue as you let the side of your head. "Remember catch me." You whisper to her and she only gives you a small chirp in response as she takes flight. She circles around the rock getting ready to catch her rider. You take one more look down stepping back a few steps you take a deep breath. Closing your eyes you run and jump. Falling through the air you could hear Tsireya yelling, "She's gonna die, she's not gonna catch her!!" This time your siblings got up and started yelling Neteyam jumped to his ilu ready to rush toward you and then everyone stopped as the heard you. "Why are you guys so serious." From behind them.

"Holy shit that was cool." Lo'ak laughed you got off of Amhel and walked to them sitting down in the sand letting the warm sun hit your skin. "I thought you were going to die." Tsireya said sitting down next to you. "Not today." You say smiling as you close your eyes.

"You did What!" You father yelled, you have Lo'ak a side eye, why did he have to be such a blabber mouth. "It wasn't anything serious me and Amhel used to do it all the time back home." You say putting your hand on your hip. "Okay we'll talk about that later but you jumped off a cliff that was over fifty feet in the air, what the fuck is wrong with you." Clenching your teeth, "Nothing is wrong with, I'm sorry I'm not an uptight asshole and like to have fun." You say suddenly feeling defensive as to why he asked what was wrong with you. "Don't curse at me and that's not fun you could have killed yourself." He yelled and you only rolled your eyes. "No more riding Amhel." He said and your face dropped. "What t-thats not fair." You protest before your father clicks his tongue. "Fine." Was all you said before storming up to your room of the pod.

It had been a little past eclipse and your shoulders felt heavy and that question ran through your mind over and over again, "What the fuck is wrong with you." Your father's words never stuck but this did. Your hands shaked you jumped out from under the hand-made blanket your mother gave you. You tiptoe over to your bag and rummage through it and you found it. You bit your lip as you looked at the blade. You sit on your cot and grabbed the blanket you were previously covering up with, putting it between your teeth you bit down, now you look at the blade and you press it onto your upper arm, pressing down hard you guide the blade down you sighed and bite the blanket because of the pain, but the more pressure you put into the cuts the more mental relief you felt. You dropped the blade and looked at your hand you held it so hard it cut through your fingers.

You let the blanket slip through your teeth and your breath was heavy and then you look up and your eyes were met with ones of your mother. You gasp. Flipping the blanket over your arm and hide the blade. Neytiri walks closer bottom lips shaking, "Show me." She demands and you only look away wiping the tears away from you face. "Show me." She says this time a little harsher. "Fine mom, you wanna see!" You say loudly getting up and the balde falls to the ground, you show her what you had just did, then you ripped the bandages you had on your thighs and then your hands. "Is this what you wanted to see." You say crying. Neytiri tilts her head as she falls to the ground. "My baby, my daughter my special girl." She cried out holding the blade throwing it across the room. "Mom don't cry." You say holding yourself looking from your mother's broken figure.

Neytiri was gasping through her tears, "Was it me was it Jake, did we do something, did we do something wrong I know we haven't been the best parents but I tried to protect you I-"

"No it's not you or dad it's me I'm fucked up, I'm fucked up but it's not you mom it's not you." You say falling to the ground next to her. She looks at you and holds your arms, going over every scar she helped heal and guilt fills her. You cry watching her reaction and then she brings you close, "It's okay my special baby, my sweet girl." She coos rocking you back and forth as your tears soak her chest. "I'm sorry mama I'm sorry."

"nothing to be sorry for my sweet." She said guiding you back to the bed holding you she pressed sweet loving kisses to your wrist. "Nothing wrong my sweet girl." She whispered holding you as she did when you were a child and your cries softened and your eyes began to get heavy for the first time you felt loved, you felt safe.

[darlingmbappe]

The Loneliest [3] | Kylian Mbappé x Fem Reader

[Part One] [Part Two] [Part Three] [Part Four] [Epilogue]

Summary: While Kylian lets jealousy get the best of him on the pitch, you find that a tequila-filled night might be the answer to healing your broken heart... even if it's just for one night.

Warnings: Still just absolute angst. Missing your ex, Kylian being overprotective and jealous, Erling Haaland being a dick (i'm sorry it's purely for plot purposes), heavy drinking, self destructive behavior, cussing, bad cheese puns, let me know if I missed anything! — English is not my first language —

The breakup was bound to go public sooner or later. It was surprising you made it almost seven weeks before the media got the hold of the story. You both were spotted alone on separate sides of town too many times, you’d missed all of his matches, and E!News got a source that told them you live alone now. You have a strong hunch it’s your next door neighbor that’s always lingering by the stairs. She asks entirely too many questions.

While you were still with Kylian, your relationship was kept mostly private and you rarely found yourself in any headlines. But, lord knows, if there’s anything the press loves more than a celebrity engagement is a celebrity breakup. When you saw a graphic of your face and Kylians face photoshopped onto a broken heart on Snapchat, a clickbait title asking, “did our fav football couple call it quits?”, you knew you’d be getting some unwanted attention. Fuck you, Daily Mail. Mind your business.

You clearly remember agreeing with him to wait for you to text first, but he’s a damn liar. He didn’t let a day go by before sending you a sweet good morning text. For the past three weeks, he’s been sending little messages here and there. Nothing too risqué or anything that made you feel pressure… they were actually nice. You’d been pretty good at not responding, being occupied doing absolutely anything else to stop yourself from thinking about him.

Kylian knew this. Being with you for such a long time, he understood how you got when you didn’t want to think about something. When your family dog passed, you claimed you were fine over and over again, and he just had to let you hyper fixate on new random hobbies until your feelings eventually exploded out. You taught yourself claymation, knitting, refurbishing old creepy dolls… that was definitely his least favorite. He needed to make sure you didn’t force yourself to forget about him, he wanted to be there for you when you were ready. He’s patience is usually very thin, but he’s impressed with himself for staying (mostly) zen about you not responding. He had to. He couldn’t fuck this up again and come swinging with the ‘I love you’s that he types out and erases promptly.

It’s finally Friday and you just finished a late lunch at your favorite café near your office, just listening to music on your headphones and reading through a document you were about to send to your colleagues. Your phone buzzed with a message from Kylian and, of course, you clicked the notification. You always did.

He’d sent you a picture of a decorative board at some market with a cheese-remix of the song Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics. You immediately laughed out loud, having seen this exact sign before with Kylian years ago. For weeks after, you two sang the lyrics randomly around the house, in the car, pretty much anywhere until all of your friends were begging for you two to just shut the fuck up.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to dissa-brie, I’ve travelled the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s lookin’ for stilton.

Your fingers began to respond before you even had a chance to really think about it.

(Y/N): Not this shit again

Kylian smiled widely upon seeing that you sent something back, typing back in record speeds.

Kylian: I think it’s…….. grate

You actually smiled at his horrible pun, twirling your hair against your own will.

(Y/N): very cheesy

Kylian was so quick to look up more cheese puns, not wanting to let his roll come to an end. Any communication, even about cheese, worked for him.

Kylian: it’s very gouda to hear from you again :)

“Oh, man.” You mumbled to yourself, noticing how your heart rate increased with just a couple of his really really bad jokes.

God, you missed him so much.

You stood up, leaving the conversation there, gathering your things and turning up the music. Yet, the whole walk back it was impossible to focus on whatever was playing in your ears because of the louder song playing inside your head. Sweet dreams are made of cheese…

Kylians thumb was lodged between his teeth in anticipation, but soon realized you weren’t going to respond again. Lowly cursing to himself, he threw his phone back in his locker. Everyone was prepared for todays game against Manchester City, especially Kylian. He wanted to win so bad, it almost felt like the World Cup.

He knew who he was going to play against — Erling Haaland. If he wasn’t too fond of him before, finding out he hit on you on you brewed a different kind of determination to win inside of him. You said nothing happened that night and he believed you — but he knew that Haaland had more in mind than just a nice conversation. He noticed last week that he followed you on instagram and liked all of your recent pictures, not including the ones with him. As of last night, you still didn't follow him back. Those late night stalking sessions have to stop soon. His nutritionists is really getting on his ass for finishing entire jars of peanut butter every other day.

He wondered if you were going to watch the game or if you had been since you left. He really hoped you hadn’t been. He’s been playing horribly these past weeks. Once the news of your breakup went public, every commentator made a point of mentioning it and saying stupid shit like, “life goes on, and that’s something Kylian Mbappé is going to have to figure out sooner or later.”

He let his angry thoughts fuel him as he walked into the tunnel. He tried to get his head in the game, but couldn’t help looking back every so often to the opposing team next to them, eyes always landing on the tall blonde man.

He stood in his place, but his neck twisted back against his will, not really caring if he was being too obvious. Right before the teams were meant to walk out together, Haaland caught his death glares. Kylian doubled down, making sure he wouldn’t be the one to lose this immature staring contest. Holland cracked a shit-eating grin and winked at Mbappé.

Oh, the rage… keep it in, Kylian.

He looked away with an unbothered “pft.” It wasn’t very convincing, not even to himself.

After the usual opening ceremony, the whistle blew indicating that the match had begun, sending Kylian sprinting in every direction as the game progressed. ManCity was good, but he knew PSG was better. He kept telling himself this, but his teammates continued to mess up, even allowing the light-blue motherfuckers to score the opening goal not even twenty minutes into the first half. And, of course, it was Haaland that buried the ball deep in the back of the net. He watched him celebrate on his pitch, listening to the crowd cheer their chant, feeling tortured and helpless.

His eye was fixed on the Norwegian as he moved back into the starting position, hating that he was laughing, still on a high from scoring. Hakimi walked next to Kylian, feeling that his friend is on the brink of doing something very dumb. His hand patted his shoulder, but Kylian didn’t even notice it, his entire body twitching with jealously.

When Kylian was in earshot, Haaland nodded up at him. “Kylian.” The young player called, but Kylian just side eyed him. Hakimi grabbed his shoulders tighter just in case he tried anything. “(Y/N) is up for grabs now, no?”

Kylians ears rung as he felt himself launch at Erling who just laughed. Hakimi had gotten in front of him without missing a beat, roughly shoving him in the opposite direction to keep him from beating up the 22 year old. Other PSG players joined, guiding Kylian to his position.

He didn’t even know words were coming out of his mouth at this point, pointing his finger threateningly at Erling. “Don’t fucking talk about her. I’ll fucking kill you. You hear me?” He was well aware that this was all to get in his head but, shit. It’s working. Kylian didn’t even notice that the referee was being talked down by Neymar and Messi, eventually the confrontation getting waved off with a warning at the start of a new play.

Halftime rolled around and no one scored again. In the locker room, Glatier yelled and waved his arms, demanding that the defense get their shit together. He zoned out, too deep in thought about what an asshole that guy is and how he wants to score and rub it in his face. He was brought back when he heard his name grumbling out of his coaches mouth, having no idea what the topic even was.

“Sorry?” He embarrassingly piped up, seeing all of his teammates had their eyes on him.

Glatier grunted, stomping closer to him. “I said, get your shit together!”

“Yes, coach.”

“Don’t worry about what they say. Just go out there and play like I know you can. You want to win, don’t you?”

“I do, coach.”

“Then let’s fucking win.”

Glatier was right and he knew it. Whatever that stupid hulk-boy had to say about you was only getting under his skin. He couldn’t play at his best like that.

So, when the second half started and he heard him say some bullshit again, he did his best to let it roll off his back. “You think she’ll respond if I DM her?” Erling asked nonchalantly to Álvarez, but Kylian was determined to let it slide. Let it fucking slide.

But, he didn’t stop there. When walking by him, Haaland asked him, “What’s a good spot to take her? Nothing too far, my hotel room is around here.” Kylians fists were balled in rage, biting his cheek and blowing air out of his flared nostrils.

“You better shut your goddamn mouth.” He snapped back, but continued walking away, knowing he can’t let him win. Hearing Haalands taunting chuckles behind him almost made him whip back around, but Neymar wrapped his arm securely around his shoulder, forcing him to look forward.

“It’s just talk, Kylian. Come on.” He rubbed his head roughly as if to beg him to not let it get to him before running back into position.

The game progressed, only ten minutes left of the second half before overtime. Neymar was at the left side of the field, preparing himself for a corner kick. Kylian searched for an opening that could potentially bring a scoring opportunity, but a brooding shadow seemed to follow him everywhere. Haaland was aggressively playing defense against him, his height advantage making it impossible for Kylian to move somewhere better.

“I hope she wears something nice and tight.” Erling chortled through his tired breathing. “I’ve been waiting for you to mess things up with her. I’ve had my eye on her for months… She’s so hot.”

His mind went blank, completely blank. It must have, because he didn’t remember shoving Haaland down onto the pitch, fists pulling back. He was seeing red, but his teammates dragged him off before his punch could land right on his cheek. Before he knew it, the ManCity players were charging at PSG. The whistle blew about a dozen times as the crowd got louder.

Kylian couldn’t stop trying to shake off his friends, screaming past the wall of light blue toward the blonde man on the ground pretending to be seriously injured, clutching his arm.

“Say that again! I fucking dare you!” Kylian threatened, Ramos clinging onto his shoulders, walking backwards.

He was pushed away far from the scene as his whole team began to fight with the other players in solidarity, the referee preoccupied with calming down the situation.

He was for sure already getting a red card, so his mindset was fuck it. He sprinted around the fighting crowd who immediately recognized his intentions, getting back in front of him before he could reach Haaland to really do some damage.

“Stay the hell away from her. I’ll end you, you son of a bitch. Off this pitch, I swear to god you’re dead.” Kylian talked out of his ass, already walking himself off the pitch when the referee held up a red card. He waved him off, spiting on the grass as he made his way back through the tunnel, ignoring the coaching team screaming at him altogether.

ManCity ended up winning 2-0 and Kylians suspension was decided to extend for two matches. He didn’t watch the remainder of it, but when he found out Erling Fucking Haaland scored the other goal, it felt like the knife was twisted. Fuck that guy. The press conference after was hell, having to claim that he deeply regretted his actions and that this doesn’t reflect his character or whatever his PR team wrote up for him.

He truly did feel like a dumbass. He absolutely hated how much he let those comments affect him. He knew he should’ve just blocked it out but how was he going to let him say that stuff about you? The way he talked about you like you weren’t even a person, like you weren’t the love of his life. Sure, he felt like a dumbass, but he would defend you to the ends of the earth.

He got home to his empty house, throwing himself on his sofa, flipping on ESPN to watch basketball highlights. Eventually, he drifted off to sleep. Usually, he’s opposed to naps as they throw off his sleeping schedule, but recently he’d found them comforting; an easy escape from everything going on. Besides, his sleep schedule was already bonkers from the breakup.

He swears his eyes were only shut for five minutes, but he woke up to complete darkness. His TV even timed out, neck sore from the stiff throw pillows supporting his head, groaning so loudly that it echoed inside the vacant home. It was only when he picked up his phone to check the time that he realized you were even calling. The faint buzzing was probably what woke him up.

“Shit.” He shot up, wiping the sleep from his face as he answered quickly.

He cleared his groggy throat. “Hello?”

He faintly heard you saying his name, but the music in the back was pounding. “Kyyyyks!”

He laughed to himself, loving the sound of his nickname for the first time since your breakup. “Hello? (Y/N)? Are you drunk?”

“Hold on.” He heard you yell from the other line as the music got softer in the background. “Hellooo.” You giggled.

“Hi.” He giggled back.

“I woke you up.” He could hear the pout in your voice, having to bite his lip to keep his smile from getting ridiculous.

“No, no I don’t mind. Call me anytime.” Kylian began twirling his hoodie string on his forefinger. “Are you okay?”

You nod, but he can’t hear you. Your drunk brain didn’t catch up. “I think so.”

“You think so? Where are you?” Concerned, he looked at the time. A little past 3:30 am. Damn, long ass nap.

“Umm…” You paused to look around you, seeing no signs anywhere and finding it kind of funny. “I dunno. I lost them ages ago.”

“Them?”

“Yeah, my friends.”

He stood up. “Wait, wait. Are you by yourself?”

“Mhm!” You chirped, now walking away from the club, alone. Your skin-tight tights gave you no warmth at all, but the tequila that flushed your system had you covered. “Kyks…”

“Yeah?” He waited for you to say something, his concern for you growing, wishing he still had your location so he could go look for you.

You paused, looking around the dark streets. “I mi…” your sentence drifted off and you laughed off what you were about to say. “… I’m so drunk.” You stumbled further down the street, a loud club with red lights oozing from the entrance peaking your interest.

He knew what you were about to say, but wasn’t going to push it. “I can hear that. Do you need a ride? I can come get you right now, just send me your current location.”

“No, I’m fine! Look, I found somewhere safe!” You point, even though he couldn’t see. “Oh, my god. You’ll never believe who’s here. Oh, shit.”

“Who?” Kylian asked over the phone.

You giggled. “I don’t wanna tell you, Kyks. You’ll be mad. I saw what happened today during the match.”

He was tempted to quirk a smile hearing that you have been watching, but then it dawned on him. It couldn’t be… “Haaland?”

What are the odds? Erling Haaland stood outside the packed nightclub with a few of his teammates, surrounded by women and men, all trying to get his attention. He hadn’t seen you yet.

“Oh my god, you’re such a good guesser.” You clapped. “God, I forgot how tall he was.”

He grabbed his keys, putting his shoes on, holding the phone up to his ear by his shoulder as he rushed around his home. “Please just let me come pick you up. I’m worried about you, where are you? I’ll take you home.”

You got closer to the LED sign. “It’s called… uh… la petite robe noire… oh my god! That’s what I’m wearing!” You cheered.

He put you on speaker and looked it up. Jesus, you were so far, he wondered if you’d started out around there or if you’d ventured out alone. He revved up his engine, backing out of his driveway. “Stay there, I’m coming. Okay?”

You didn’t respond, your phone now by your side as Erling spotted you, jogging over to where you were standing.

“Hey!” You waved, letting him come to you because your heels hurt too badly. You couldn’t hear Kylian on the other line trying to get your attention.

“Hello, beautiful.” He leaned in and hugged you. You kind of hugged back, too drunk to balance yourself upwards that way without falling into him.

As soon as he heard that fucking accent over the phone, he pressed his foot down on the pedal, hoping he hits every green light in Paris. You, on the other hand, forgot you were still on the line with your ex fiancé, but hung up when you realized it with a giggly “oops!”.

“Didn’t think I’d run into you, how are you, (Y/N)?” Haaland asks, placing a steady hand on your waist to keep your wobbling frame from tipping over.

“So good!” That was a lie. You were out tonight drinking away the pit in your stomach since the match. You’d watched sneakily from your desk, fingers tugging at your roots when you saw the little incident during the first half. During those last ten minutes, you felt like you were going to throw up.

Why did you have to tell Kylian about Erling? What happened today definitely opened him up to a lot of criticism from his coaches, the team, the media… You couldn’t help but feel a little responsible because you knew he could behave himself if he never knew about that night on the balcony. On the other hand, it was kind of… very hot. Jealous Kylian was never your favorite, but you can’t stop yourself from feeling something spark in you. Or maybe you were just horny. Who’s to say? It's been so long...

“You’re good?” Erling accent repeats, grinning down at you. “Sorry to hear about your breakup."

"Pffft." You laugh. "Yeah right, you two were never exactly friends."

He shrugs, sticking his hands in his pockets. "You're right. I'm not sorry." He smirks, looking you up and down. If your head wasn’t filled with liquor you’d feel kind of gross, but his flirty stares didn’t mean anything to the drunken body you found yourself in tonight. It all went right over your head. He nods his head toward the club. "Come on, let's get you a drink, yeah?"

You followed him in, the lights were blurry and the ground wasn't very stable. The vibrations came up from the ground, making you feel like someone was shaking your brain around. You were absolutely not thinking straight, and it only got worse when a bottle girl came over to the section with Don Julio. It was all so fast, like the lights flashed and you were suddenly with someone else, or in a different part of the club, or dancing, drinking, stumbling.

Fuck, you had to get out of there.

Kylian arrived at the club and he definitely did not fit the dress code. But, despite his grey joggers and Nike hoodie, he was still Kylian Mbappé, so he got in without any issue. Ideally, he wouldn’t have to risk being spotted at a nightclub that Erling Haaland was at, but he did it for you. He politely smiled at his fans but weaved past people begging for a selfie. He called you plenty of times from the car, but you never picked up.

Once inside the club, he lifted his hood and put on some sunglasses, hoping this wouldn't cause a riot without his security to lead him through the crowds. People were too focused on grinding and not spilling their drinks to notice the international superstar frantically searching for one single woman in a sea of them.

He looked up at the sections on the second floor, finally spotting that tall blonde bastard, wasting not a single second before making his way up, security letting him through once he flashed them his famous smile.

"Haaland!" He cups his hands around his mouth, hoping that he knows where you are. "Haaland!"

He finally turns around, knitting his eyebrows at the sight. "Kylian." He steps around the models to stand close to him, the loud music making it impossible to communicate from even a few feet away. "What? You didn't get enough of me on the pitch today?"

Kylian rolls his eyes. "No, man. I'm just looking for (Y/N). I know she was here."

"Yeah, she was." Erling laughed. "She's wild, for sure. Don't know where she went, though."

"What? She's not here?"

Haaland shrugged. "She went to the bathroom and never came back. Why do you even care? Like I said, she's up for grabs. She's not yours anymore."

If he wasn't so worried about your current wellbeing, he would have grabbed his stupid little ponytail and gone full Fight Club on him. But he didn't, instead he shook his head at him and made his way down from the section before he regretted not throwing a punch or two.

His concern grew. He never thought he would wish you were with Erling Haaland at a nightclub, but at least he could find you then.

Kylian stood on a ledge hoping to see your hair or face anywhere from a birds-eye view, but had to leave promptly when the partygoers caught onto his less than great disguise. A security guard from the club lead him to the back exit, warding off flashing cameras in every direction.

Thanking the man when he was safely outside with a fist bump, he walked himself down the dirty metal steps, sighing. "Putain." He walked to is parked car, leaning on it to try and think a little, wondering how he’s going to find you. He really isn’t familiar with this part of town, but he'll stay out all night if he has to.

He wished you’d just pick up the phone, ease his jittery nerves. Just as he was about to click on your contact, he heard some slurred singing further down the alleyway he was in. The faint tune sounded familiar, but the voice definitely was. It was you.

He followed like a siren sound, turning the corner to see you sitting on a small cement step, head resting on your curled up knees, giggling to yourself as you continued the song.

"Sweet cheese are made of cheese, who am I to *hiccup* disa-cheese..."

"I think you've messed up the lyrics there, love." He smiled, letting out a breath he’d been holding now knowing you're okay.

You gaze up, smiling widely, gasping and jolting up, wrapping your loose arms around his neck and letting your legs go limp.

"Woah, hey..." He exclaimed with a laugh, grabbing your torso tightly to keep you upright.

"You're here!" You gaze up, grin wide as he peered down at you, smiling as well. "Whadda coincidence!"

It was like he didn't just spend hours worried sick, now feeling somewhat at ease. Your presence is all he needed for every weight to be lifted off his shoulders. He only cares about making sure you get back home with a glass of water on your nightstand and a trashcan at your side.

"You okay? Why are you out here by yourself?" He guides you to stand properly on your own, but you didn't let your grip go, so he didn't either. He let his hand stay on the small of your back, his other gripping your hip.

You shrug, scratching your fingernails against the nape of his neck. He shivered, goosebumps running down his body, letting a flustered giggle escape his lips. You stared deep into his eyes. Your funny demeanor simmered down, finding the familiar warmth of the man in front of you to be more intoxicating than anything you've drank tonight. "You always loved when I did that..."

Kylian's heart got caught in his throat, gulping it down along with the urge to hold you so tightly. He'd been craving your touch, spending many sleepless nights wondering if he'd ever get to feel you again.

"Let's get you home, okay?" He mumbled, running his hands down your arms to unwrap them from his neck. He held one of your arms as he bent down to grab your phone and purse from the dirty floor.

He started guiding you to his passengers seat, but getting you there wasn’t an easy task. Your heels kept getting caught in the cobblestones so he had to keep a steady hand around you in case you fell. He buckled you up like a toddler, doing his best to ignore the googly eyes that you made at him.

When he got in drivers seat, he looked over at you, a rush of memories making his heart flutter.

All of the times he would turn his gaze away from the road for just a second to see you. The way you smiled when you rode with the windows down, sticking your arm out to feel the rushing wind outside the car. The way he used to be able to put a comforting hand on your thigh while he drove and you'd draw circles on his knuckles mindlessly, rambling about anything that came to your mind. The way you would always unwrap a piece of gum for him because you didn't want him distracted, even though he would never not get distracted by you.

He shook the thoughts out of his head, clearing his throat. "So, what's your address?"

You laughed, taking your heels off. "I dunno."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"Geez, Ky. I've only lived there for like..." you counted in your head, but numbers barely made sense sober, "...not that long."

"Do you have it on your phone?" He pried, handing you your cell.

"Yes!" You cheered, snatching it only to see that it was out of battery when the screen reflected back at you. "Ah, man. It's dead!" You pouted, throwing it in the backseat, crossing your arms.

He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, turning on the heat higher when he noticed the chills running down your arms. "I can take you back to... uh..." he stuttered, having to stop himself from saying our place, still getting used to living there alone, "—back to my place."

You gave him a look, raising your eyebrow dramatically. "Nice try, Casanova." You chuckled.

He laughed too, rubbing his eyes. "No, come on, (Y/N). There's like five beds. I wouldn't take advantage of you like that."

You bite your lip and stare at him through your lashes. "I'd let you."

God, that stare. That tone. He's internally cussing himself out for all those times he told you he wasn't in the mood or too tired. He wished he could go back in time and slap himself.

He quickly shook it off, laughing dryly and having to look away from you. “You are so drunk.”

With that, he put the car in reverse, beginning the half hour journey back to the home that still has pictures of you on the walls. The home that still feels like it’s yours, the one that Kylian prays he’ll see you wake up in again… at a time when you’re not absolutely plastered, of course. For now, he’s content looking over to your sleeping figure in his car, slowly breathing and shifting every so often.

Once he pulled into the garage, he got out and made his way to open the passenger door. “Hey,” he gently put a hand on your cold shoulder, “we’re here, bébé.”

He didn’t mean for the nickname to slip out of his mouth, but it did. It actually woke you up, your heart thumping at the four letters that used to be so familiar to you, so intimate.

“I’m tired.” You grumble, putting your hands out toward him, slightly less drunk, yet nowhere near sober. “I forgot how comfy your car is.”

“Wait ‘till we get you into a real bed. You’re gonna sleep like a rock.” You grabbed his forearms and stumbled out of the car, Kylian quickly grabbing your heels, phone, and purse.

For a drunk, you moved surprisingly fast, beelining to the kitchen. He followed you in, attentive to your wonky steps. He set your belongings down on one of the barstools, turning to see you leaned inside of his fridge, grasping the handles for balance.

“You hungry?” He grins, walking around the kitchen island and leans against it.

“Mm… you got rid of all my snacks…”

“Uh, not true.” He quipped, opening the cupboard and pulling back a red box, the sight bringing a big smile to your face.

“Pancakes?!”

He opens the cabinet bellow him and pulls out a sleek black press, confident smirk spreading to his cheeks. “Waffles.”

You cover your mouth in excitement, stumbling backward a bit but catch yourself on the island. “No way.”

He nods, eyes twinkling at your enthusiasm. You look so pretty in this kitchen. It’s nostalgic. It feels warmer now that you’re back here, even if he’s just pretending to forget that you’ll have to leave in the morning.

“Go sit. They won’t take long.” You do as he says, hopping into a stool as you watch him begin to mix the ingredients in a bowl.

Your mind drifted to the last time you saw him. The way his chin quivered when he cried over you, how much it hurt to tell him you weren't ready and that you may never be. It was still true. In a more clearheaded scenario, you probably wouldn't be here with him right now. If alcohol didn't seem like such an inviting bandaid to your aching mind and heart, the feelings you'd been suppressing would likely have stayed suppressed... where you honestly wanted them to stay. Opening yourself back up to be loved by the same man that made you question yourself was still incredibly scary.

"Bon appétit." He placed the plate in front of you.

The waffle was dusted in powdered sugar, a small butter square in the middle was surrounded by sliced strawberries. "Oh... my... god..." You salivated, picking up the fork and knife he handed you and devoured the first bite, moaning in gratitude. "Oh my god." You had no other words.

Kylian laughed, picking up his own fork to dig into his less pretty waffle, standing across from you. "Yeah?"

He didn't get a verbal response back, but knew you meant it upon seeing the manner in which you inhaled every crumb on your plate. Your late night snack was gone too soon and you wanted more, but your drooping eyes and full bladder convinced you that sleep was better.

Kylian took his last bite, grabbing your plates and setting them in the sink. "I think it's bedtime."

You agreed without saying so, hopping off the stool and took the route to the master bedroom. You could walk there with your eyes closed and you might as well have. The sleep deprivation mixed with your drunkenness lead you straight to the dresser, opening up the top chest on your side to grab a t-shirt.

When your crossed eyes looked down at the empty drawer, it was sobering. You let out a shakey breath, clasping your hands in front of you. "Right..."

Kylain stood by the door, frowning at your stillness. The small window of bliss he had with you just seconds earlier shattered upon seeing your sorrowful face looking down at the drawer that used to contain your things, now containing nothing but memories of what used to be.

Silently, he walked over to you, gently shutting it for you. He opened up his side, handing you one of the shirts you left folded for him. One of your favorites. "Here."

You give him an attempt of a smile but don't actually look at him. "Thanks."

He goes to leave the room but you stop him. "Wait. Where are you going? I'll sleep in one of the guest rooms. I'm not taking your bed."

"No, please. You just get some rest, okay?" He almost whispers, taking in the sight of you standing in this room again before he went to close the door.

"Ky?" You breathe, locking your eyes on his. There was something you wanted to say, some words your throat closed up on, leaving you with nothing else but silence. He stayed still, his adoration for you threatening to spill out of him the longer he stared at you. You draw a subtle breath upon feeling your emotions pooling in your eyes. "Thank you."

Kylian felt the weight of your otherwise simple words, taking context from the way you were looking at him. "I'll always be here for you."

With that, he reluctantly closed the door behind him, trudging to the bedroom closest to you.

The room spun as you laid down on your favorite pillow, beyond comfortable under the duvet you picked out yourself. You wished you never went drinking tonight. If you'd just stayed home and pigged out on ice cream you wouldn't have to face the truth that's been slowly crawling to the surface.

Your eyes shut much too quickly to really explore the sentiments you've uncovered tonight, but that's probably for the best.

Kylian's mind was racing and he only hoped you couldn't hear how loud his brain was from the next room. Under the guilt and self-pity he's been swimming in for weeks, he finally felt a sliver of optimism beginning to grow inside of him. It was such a tender feeling, a feeling he let lull him to sleep, content knowing you were just on the other side of that wall.

A/N: The amount of times this deleted..... I was going crazy. Thank god that I started saving every draft on Google Drive or else I probably would have stopped writing out of frustration. Big things coming for (Y/N) and Kylain! Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I'm sorry about having to make Haaland an asshole bc I really do love him. It was just to move the plot along <3. Also I didn't know all of the soccer terms in english so forgive me if I messed any of that up. Love all of you and thanks for reading!

[ineffable-endearments]

I keep going back and forth on how much I think Aziraphale understood the Metatron's offer as an implicit threat right off the bat. How much of 'Heaven is the side of Good' was sincere, felt-it-in-his-marrow sentiment, and how much of it was a desperate lie, or a desperate attempt to convince himself that he and Crowley were about to be given what he wanted, or a desperate attempt to harness Heaven's power for his own purposes.

I have kind of shifted to believe, though, that maybe Aziraphale's character development doesn't have to be exactly "learning that Heaven is bad." Maybe it's OK, from a character development standpoint, if he already knows that, at least 75% of the way.

Because I actually think there's something deeper than just "Heaven isn't good" that Aziraphale has to go through: "You can't violate free will even if your intentions for people are one thousand percent good and pure and kind." This is the core reason why Heaven is "irredeemable," so to speak: its whole purpose is to "mess people around," as Adam Young would say. Even if Aziraphale could walk in there, instantly dominate the Metatron, stop the Second Coming, and dedicate all of Heaven's operations to Making Humanity Good, it still wouldn't be okay.

Like, Aziraphale needs to value free will for its own sake, rather than as a means to a Good end. This feels more all-encompassing of both the philosophical conflict between Aziraphale and Crowley and the alarming behavior we've seen from Aziraphale this past season (controlling people's mood and behavior at the ball, for example).

It's also a compelling philosophical conflict because accepting free will for what it really is is frightening. Sometimes you will watch people be self-destructive. Sometimes you will make yourself vulnerable to other people's choices and they could hurt you or your loved ones. Heck, when Crowley had a chance to give a bunch of humans the ability to kill each other to prove a point about human nature, he protected them from themselves!

But on the scale of the whole universe, for free will to work like it's "supposed to," like Aziraphale says out loud it's supposed to (just before Armageddon), it has to be absolute. Having humanity pushed into the middle of a cosmic battle between Above and Below doesn't actually enable free will or any of the other qualities Aziraphale admires in the world of humanity (and Crowley).

Forcing people to choose between two sides isn't really free will.

Heck, even if the Final Fifteen of Season 2 was merely one big miscommunication, a failed bullet catch trick, that in itself could be part of the lesson. Trying to use your power (relationship) to push your loved ones (Crowley) into doing things (becoming an angel again) you believe are For Their Own Good WILL hurt them, no matter how pure your intentions are.

Evil/cruelty in Heaven will be an important part of the main conflict, I think we can say that's obvious, but Heaven's whole...thing is moving people, humans and angels and probably Hell's demons too, around like pieces on a chessboard. The entire mission of the organization would be wrong even if everyone was perfectly well-intended and nobody ever engaged in intentional cruelty and Heaven decided not to destroy Earth after all.

So, while I really can't say I'm confident in making predictions about it, I would find it narratively satisfying for Aziraphale to go up there, immediately know what's going on, and make real trouble for Heaven while still finding lots of compelling ways to grow as a character.

And lots of ways to bumble around charmingly, too. Remember that Aziraphale very smartly figured out something he was never supposed to figure out, the location of the Antichrist, and looked like a complete ding dong (I am saying this in the most loving tone imaginable) the whole time.

[sapph1cyearning]

Wilhelm's Mental Health; Autism or Borderline Personality Disorder?

Wilhelm’s mental health status is a complex issue that has been heavily commentated on by the fandom, from what I've observed within the YR fandom, a large number of fans headcanon Wilhelm as having autism but I hope to explore autism and it's symptomology outside of the white male perspective that is defaulted upon in autistic representation by overviewing symptoms that contribute to the interpretations of Wilhelm having either Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). These two disorders can show up in similar forms, and often get misdiagnosed (especially women and non-white people are immediately pointed toward the BPD diagnosis rather than ASD due to assessor’s prejudice and society's higher expectations for minority groups to mask autistic traits while in public but that’s another story). A key difference between the two is that ASD is a genetic disorder while BPD is a disorder that develops due to childhood trauma. Both disorders have a high likelihood for comorbidity with other mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

Content Warning: Frank commentary of symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder, including: self-harm, substance abuse, and emotional dysregulation.

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional but I am autistic, and I’ve known quite a number of people with either BPD or autism [Years ago, I stayed at a long-term DBT-based treatment center, a therapeutic specialty for created to address BPD that has been expanded to treat other mental health struggles and disorders that go hand-in-hand with BPD symptoms (Substance abuse, self-harm, OCD, etc.)]. This is also solely based on what is seen in the show, not actors' interpretations that are expressed through interviews.

Throughout the series Wilhelm (W) is seen engaging in a multitude of behaviors and experiences feelings that he expresses verbally that could be interpreted as fitting as symptoms of both.

Notably the scene where W is seen smacking his temple with his palm (1x05) can be interpreted as either: purposeful self-harm (a common self-destructive coping mechanism for overwhelming emotions in BPD; his alcohol and drug use could be described similarly) or a self-stimulatory behavior (stimming), a characteristic of ASD to aid in regulating or expressing intense emotions (while W is only seen engaging in this with a “negative” emotion, stimming can be used with all emotions), other example include his chest-rubbing, and frequent caressing of different textures.

Intense mood-swings, anger, and difficulties with emotion processing, this is quite evident in W's actions, emotional responses, and feelings he expresses verbally. Both disorders have been observed to have intense changes of emotions at a “drop of a hat.” ASD mood-swings are typically related to exposure to sensory input that is quite uncomfortable, overstimulation, and/or meltdowns (breakdowns due to a culmination of intense feelings, sensory input and/or overwhelming experiences). BPD mood-swings and impulsive actions are more related to triggers of trauma responses, and a lack of regulatory measures

Symptoms Specific to Each Disorder:

BPD:

Attachment to Favorite Person (FP), a symptom of BPD where one idolizes one person in their life to an extreme degree, wanting to spend all their time with their FP, and intense anger and despair with perceived betrayals/slights against them/mistakes. W goes through 2 FPs (Erik and Simon). He adores Erik, and feels betrayal when Erik leaves him at Hillerska. Simon quickly becomes a FP, seeing him as perfect and feeling betrayal when Simon messes up (drug dealing) and the utter despair and hopelessness when Simon needs space and starts dating Marcus; “It feels like I’m going to die” (2x04) (Could be a consequence of being utterly isolated due to being Royal and latching onto anyone who shows care to him)

Unstable / Ineffective Relationships (Simon, Kristina, Minou, and other hierarchy figures): BPD is often associated with people with the disorder lashing out against "completely innocent" people for "no reason", while this can be accurate, it does not account for the triggering of such episodes (See above)

Substance Abuse: People with BPD may utilize alcohol and/or other substances to "numb themselves" from BPD symptoms or distance themselves from harmful memories (autistic people also experience substance abuse and addiction at higher rates than the general allistic population but it is often seen as a crutch to cope with the constant stress of existing in an allistic world which is not implied in what draws W to substance use throughout the show)

ASD:

Expansion on Sensory Issues: W seemingly wears the same sweater-button up combo often, just with different sweater colors — Grey, teal, and that god-awful bright orange — ensures safe textures when buying new items but he might just have a clothing stylist with horrid taste. W's struggles with the suffocating feel of the suit (2x05). He rarely utilized the overhead lights in his room, instead relied on his string lights, lamps or natural lighting (Florescent and LED lights can trigger light sensitivity and contribute to sensory processing difficulties in autistic people)

Preoccupation with the concept of normalcy (1x01), as a kid being autistic often ostracizes you from your peers, being deemed the “weird kid” is very damaging thus W may have been enticed by the prospect attending a regular high school to like "normal people" (this concept is intrinsically tied to social class throughout the show, W wants normalcy of a lower class while Sara wants conform to a higher class but that's a different spiel). This can lead to masking; the act of forcing oneself to hide their autistic traits in order to fit into Allistic norms. (My one dispute to this interpretation is he's seemingly more disgruntled by the pomp and circumstance of being Royal that "others" him rather than peers judging him)

Lack of social cues (Not even going to waste my time explaining this one, the man had no game, absolutely none, it’s a wonder that he pulled Simon)

This far from a full list of symptoms seen in W's characterization but it's a broad overview of the signs I saw from an autistic lens. I lean towards Wille having Borderline Personality Disorder based on the fact that significant aspects of Autism Spectrum Disorder can be correlated to his unfortunate circumstance of being royalty.

[happyk44]

Thinking about that post I made about "would they acknowledge their PD is a thing and go to therapy about it" and, since I wrote it before I slapped Leo with AVPD, wanted to make one with him. As a reminder, my thoughts are:

Annabeth would probably go to therapy for something unrelated (depression/PTSD/whatever) but refuse to accept NPD or acknowledge that her behaviours associated with it are a problem and likely end up ditching her therapist as a result

Piper would not go to therapy or accept HPD as a suggestion from anyone because she does not see any of her behaviours as a problem and as long as she receives attention, she's fine, always forgetting quickly about all the times she's crashed or freaked out because she wasn't receiving attention

Clarisse would go to therapy specifically for her ASPD symptoms, is the only one officially diagnosed, and would actively work on it with the help of her therapist and loved ones

Percy would not go to therapy but would accept BPD as a suggestion from other people and try to work on it on his own/with help from people closest to him

So thinking about Leo and AVPD. I think he might go to therapy if forced by another person or if his problems surmounted too much for him to handle, even when isolating from other people. If AVPD was ever suggested to him as a possiblity, even outside of therapy, or just brought up, unrelated to him, by someone else, I think he'd immediately be like "I don't have that" because he perceives himself to be fun and outgoing, so he can't be avoidant of social contact. He loves social contact! But I think he's fairly introspective and so he'd notice patterns in his behaviors that align with the diagnostic criteria. Eventually he would recognize that he masks heavily to be perceived by others in direct opposition of how he feels internally.

So denial first then later acceptance. He might go to therapy sporadically for it, but ultimately tries to fix it by himself, growing frustrated because he's not a robot and he cannot rewire his own brain over night. He becomes hyperaware of his own self-destructive behaviours and grows even more agitated when watching himself engage in them. Which only feeds into his inferiority complex and self-loathing, which he knows and recognizes but is unable to really stop as it happens because, unlike Clarisse or Percy, he lacks the external support to handle it.

He can't drop the mask, no one will like him if he does (not that people like him very much with the mask), and he knows this line of thinking is part of the whole problem, but he can't do it, so he refuses to ask for help or tell anyone about it, so he never gets the external support he needs. Over time he has varying levels of success in stifling certain behaviours before they become harmful to him and others, but it doesn't always work.

Still he's distrusting of authority and doesn't like talking about his problems (like Percy) so going to therapy about it remains out of the question.

[workersolidarity]

I want to remind people of some of the self-destructive behavior we see conducted by giant corporations.

Today's giant US and Multinational Corporations do not exist to produce goods and services people need or want.

Instead, these giant corporations act as passthroughs to funnel money directly into the pockets of shareholders. Corporations will often engage in self-destructive or self-harming policies that bankrupt their companies, but manage to funnel ENORMOUS funds into shareholder pockets in the meantime. Then, we quickly see the govt swoop in and use tax-payer dollars to back the losses of those shareholders, making it so they've privatized the gains and socialized the losses.

These companies's behavior can often seem completely inexplicable when looked at outside the context of dividend payments and dividend recapitalization.

Dividend recapitalization itself is one the greatest examples of ruinous behavior by a corporation that benefits shareholders at the expense of employees and customers both.

A Dividend Recapitalization occurs when a company decides to go into debt with the express purpose of using that debt to pay dividends to shareholders and nothing else. None of the borrowed money is reinvested in the company or its employees.

This can easily result in a company's bankruptcy if it falls onto hard times immediately following a Dividend Recapitalization.

For example, in April 2002, KB Toys went deeply into debt to perform a Dividend Recapitalization, paying tens of millions of dollars in dividends to its shareholders and investors. By January 2004, KB Toys had filed Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, citing its Dividend Recapitalization process as the reason for its bankruptcy.

And you can find endless examples of this throughout recent history. It is unquestionable that Dividend Recapitalization is harmful, not just to the companies in question, but to the millions of tax payers who take a hit every time something like this happens.

The logical answer would be to ban Dividend Recapitalization completely, but our corrupt Neoliberal Govt is only interested in serving the desires of the Ruling Class. They could care less that Dividend Recapitalization often comes at a price for Taxpayers.

It is undoubtable that we need to have democratic control over the economy. At the moment, we barely have any democratic control over any other part of our society, let alone the economy.

It is well past time the Working Class of the US rise up in rebellion against the Capitalist Class and all their various tools of control that allow them to manipulate elections and retain control over the political machinery of the United States.

Dystopia is here and it's not going anywhere until the people take back what's ours.

[sparklepoint]

hey i saw stuff about ur asau (hermit!yusuke is perfect and kitteh ann is the fluffiest little baby and i love her) and i just wanted to ask if you have the other arcanas planned? is it a direct one to one swap or is it different?

omg. ty for giving us a chance to introduce

 ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ card shuffle ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

@floodbender’s and mine roleswap au in which the story roles are remixed based on randomly reassigned arcanas + canon backgrounds

it’s kind of a work in progress so this is not q definitive & some arcs are less developed than others, but we do in fact have something planned for everyone :3c let's meet the cast!!

starting with <3 bitter bitch besties <3

○ the fool – akechi

he has pretty much the same backstory as canon, but without Metaverse access; therefore his only outlet has been trying to prove himself academically etc. to show them all

it isn’t really working. even with all the effort, he still gets written off automatically most of the time

there is no arrest/probation/anything out of the ordinary that brings him to staying with Sojiro and going to Shujin, just a last minute arrangement by his previous foster placement 

Akechi POV: you’ve been booted from a family who didn’t want you there for the n-th time in your life and are now moving to stay with some rando who doesn’t want you there either. and everyone at the new school immediately labels you a troublemaker with a problematic background

(of course Shujin is going to make up rumors regardless)

personality-wise, it is as you might expect from a no powers AU Akechi - at the start he’s a bitter, cynical bastard masking behind his Pleasant Boy mode

would have eventually snapped in some self-destructive way if he didn’t meet someone who gets it

rest of the story is spent rehabilitating this man with the power of friendship, mutual understanding, and insane romance. and flufy kity

akechi and makoto: the world is a cruel and unjust place. *minutes later* omg lady ann!!!

i. the magician – ann

flufy kity

backstory inherent to the arcana role

she does not have hang ups about not being human specifically and embraces cathood quite well

instead her issues stem from feelings of comparative inadequacy and not knowing what her role in life and on the team is supposed to be, especially after the PTs get a dedicated navigator

similar to her canon arc, she does mostly handle these feelings by focusing on trying harder & with more purpose rather than growing resentful

when Morgana coined the ‘Lady Ann’ nickname it stuck and now everyone calls her that

still has a widdle crush on Shiho

the only reason Akechi has any side confidants

vii. the chariot – makoto

Makoto handles pressure from Sae far worse in this one

attempted to investigate and expose Kamoshida’s behavior on her own last year and got kicked off the student council for her trouble

grades are suddenly hard to keep up even though she’s putting in the same amount of effort if not more. keeps being left ‘accidentally’ out of the loop about important info. school just kind of making it clear it doesn’t like her anymore

entire social circle crumbled and no support from Sae who at this point is simply mad at her for ‘sabotaging herself for childish reasons’ 

would have eventually snapped in some self-destructive way if she didn’t meet someone who gets it

disillusioned, desperately lonely, and stewing in a lot of suppressed rage

in light of this it’s not surprising that she and Akechi end up bonding pretty much right away in spite of his typically raised hackles

used to be friends with Haru in middle school

vi. the lovers – haru

while Okumura still has a Palace, his behaviour towards Haru is more distant and less outright abusive, and she does not have an engagement hanging over her

instead Kamoshida creeps on her, fixated on adding a demure chaebol princess to his conquests 

Haru’s having trouble rebuffing him as she has issues setting down boundaries with men in general due to her proper upbringing, and is of course scared of his position of authority

in particular, the rooftop garden becomes a hazard for being cornered instead of a sanctuary; 

(fortunately it is also a prime place to be overheard by anyone who's heading up there for definitely not a teen vigilante meeting)

Kamoshida lets out that Haru is the Okumura Foods heiress, which makes her seem like a stuck-up rich princess to the Shujin rumor mill and leaves her ostracized

with regards to Makoto: in Shujin Kamoshida Issues forced them to drift apart, and now, even though both of them want to reignite the middle school friendship, each is reluctant to involve the other in her own respective mess via association

(pictured: childhood friend matching bwacelets)

after that is sorted, they reconnect and begin a prolonged awkward romance dance

(meanwhile the rumor mill is busy debating which one of them is dating Akechi)

iv. the emperor – joker ren akira

legal name, under which he is mildly famous, is Ren Amamiya, actual name he goes by is Akira

for these claiming your chosen identity reasons, his codename is Daybreak :)

his parents are both in the entertainment industry, and the second Palace belongs to his father

Dad Amamiya is a formerly acclaimed, currently washed-up movie director. a nightmare to work with who uses his old connections to run people he doesn’t like out of the industry and ruin their careers

his wife is aware of his transgressions but is too attached to the lifestyle to care 

to Akira’s parents, he is more or less a prop in their public performance as a happy picture-perfect celebrity couple; in his father’s Palace, his cognition is played by an actor

he had long since learned that going against his parents achieves nothing, and has been going through the motions keeping his head down until he meets the team

the meeting is a chance encounter prompted by Emperor-typical  overwhelming fascination with Ann, which in his case is because he’s That Much Of A Cat Person 

rest of his arc is about separating himself from his parents’ legacy as somebody who still wishes to pursue a career in entertainment

ii. the high priestess – morgana

he has Ann’s parents and last name since she doesn’t need them anymore

unlike her, he doesn’t handle their constant absence well and is therefore desperate for the Thieves’ companionship (while being just as tsundere about it in human form as he is in canon)

he kickstarts the Kaneshiro plot despite not being on the student council: since he is a very special smart boy, he can absolutely solve Shujin’s mafia crisis all by himself!

(it is probably rather obvious how well this goes)

his arc is a more mundane version of his canon one about recalibrating the self-worth issues and loneliness until he can be comfortable with himself and his place in the group

his awkward crush here is converted into being an even bigger Ann Stan than the rest of them

still besties with Akira. also perpetual ninth wheel

ix. the hermit – yusuke

Madarame does not have a Palace

without the international recognition from stealing Kitagawa-san’s masterwork he has to subsist on smaller-time forgery and predatory contracts and the like

his main victim is Yusuke’s mom, who lived long enough to start actually raising her son, but her poor health made her the perfect exploitable dependant 

after she succumbs to her illness, Madarame proceeds to take his frustrations over losing the convenient setup out on Yusuke in his typical insidious way

over the subsequent years trapped in an abusive living situation you’re told to be grateful for, the comments about how she would have lived longer and created masterpieces if she didn’t have to take care of you accumulate to create the most depressed teenage boy in the world

as far as Madarame’s concerned, if Yusuke’s too miserable to keep up with his schoolwork, it’s just another instance of him being a drain on everyone in his life. Madarame’s not going to cater to him and pay for his scholarship – he can just stay in and keep house, if that’s all he’s good for

that leaves Yusuke just listlessly haunting the place, convinced that all he can really do with his life is wait to die and go to hell for the sin of being himself: he sees his life with Madarame as perpetual penitence for his mother’s death, his work as almost ritual sacrifices to appease him, and the shack as his purgatory [--beginning navigation]

his Palace is stylistically themed after the Shinto Yomi with more general underworld theming as well; cognitive Madarame is of course the final boss, although he only drops the benevolent underworld guide pretence once thoroughly provoked

the gang finds out about All This after a series of Mementos requests from Madarame’s latest underpaid helper

post change of heart we’re getting Yusuke the fuuuck out of there

Sojiro ends up taking him in, first temporarily and then permanently

neither of us has the vocabulary to concisely explain the respective holes in their heads this Yusuke and this Akechi have about each other

team navigator. please take a moment to imagine yusukespeak navigator lines

iii. the empress – sumire

the Okumura setup is still happening (sorry Haru), but the PTs recognize it as bait and stay away, instead ending up doing a different palace entirely

the Palace Ruler for this arc is the Yoshizawas’ abusive coach (not the one from Sumire’s confidant)

a classic unethical teen sports situation with disproportionate pressure and a concerning disregard of their physical and mental wellbeing as long as they Get Results tm

neither of the sisters is good at standing up for herself, which in Kasumi’s case spirals into continuous self-denial for the sake of The Sport and in Sumire’s exacerbates her feelings of inadequacy

at the moment Kasumi is being pushed to compete despite an injury which would put her out of commission, which is the deadline/reasoning to deal with this ASAP

the palace theme is Colosseum/gladiatorial arena, with the implication of entertainment of the masses at the expense of the athletes’ lives

(pictured gladiator!cogsumi)

xi. justice – ryuji

Ryuji is the one to get slapped with the arrest record courtesy of Shido in this one

the consequences for a 14yo on scholarship and with no support system outside of his mom (except he just feels guilty about creating problems for her) are predictably devastating 

he winds up at Shido’s Palace afterwards by accident while loitering around the Diet building, which is where his awakening happens

he’s spotted entering or exiting the Metaverse, which leads to Shido making him the job offer he cannot refuse

initially framed as “help with secret research” in exchange for erasing his record and bankrolling opportunities for a sports career, but it’s not like there are any easy ways out once the requests starts getting seedier

he’s just the Metaverse assassin/errand boy for the conspiracy, no astroturfed public persona

to an extent Ryuji convinces himself this is for the best since many of his targets do very much have it coming and it’s AN outlet for letting out some steam over the bleak as shit view of society he now has, but ultimately this arrangement and all the murder involved make him utterly miserable, and on a level he understands this is not going to end well for him

gives himself away to the Phantom Thieves early and in the dumbest way possible

for all the above reasons, he’s not at all hard to persuade to switch sides and start double-agenting

did you guess who’s faith no you didn’t

○ faith – hifumi

we just really like hifumi so she’s included

at first her deal is a toned down version of her canon arc, with her mom pushing her towards an idol-like career based off of shogi. then her father actually dies

mom’s grief response is to lean in further into building her career, thinking that this is what her dad would have wanted; Hifumi’s own grief response is to start crumbling under that pressure until “I wish I could just be the person my mother wants to see” is the prevailing sentiment

this is where Maruki’s unethical therapy comes in and actualizes her into the perfect teenage celebrity personality

thirdsem Hifumi is terrified she will never be enough as herself and it takes the team effort to get her to let go of the idol persona, but conveniently there are SO many people with parent issues here to talk to her about it .

bonus: xvii. the star – futaba

Wakaba survives the assassination attempt, but is left unable to continue her scientific work, igniting Futaba’s interest in researching the topic herself

her confidant’s Mementos quest block is still her uncle, who is not as horrifically abusive, but treats them poorly and demands Futaba reimburses him for taking care of them financially

Sojiro is still a pseudo-parental figure in her life, but his role is limited since he cannot insert himself into the situation without permission and Futaba conceals the extent of it from him

she becomes available as a confidant during Yusuke’s arc, which still overlaps with the Medjed crisis

her fixation with cognitive pscience leads to digging into the Phantom Thieves leads to offering to deal with Medjed for them – but only if they prove themselves to her by sorting out a specific request that hit a little close to home. cue Yusuke arc

from then on she’s their tech guy

and that's everyone ✧∘* thank you so much for expressing interest and thank you @floodbender for cowriting this post with me ♡

[tobi-smp]

https://twitter.com/mackself_/status/1752500529849045230?t=w8C_e8xr0ADSDa3L-7djPw&s=19

Penny for your thoughts?

[Link]

my real answer: I'm extremely uninterested in getting into arguments with people set on demonizing traumatized mentally ill characters for being traumatized and mentally ill. particularly when it comes to wilburians and inniters having strange crimeboys takes and taking pot shots at each other.

neither side (speaking only to the extremists in each group of course) seems to want to hear that traumatized mentally ill people Will often hurt each other while also still loving and caring about each other. the messy symptoms for Their character flattened and excused and pasted over, while the messy symptoms of the other are amplified and taken out of context and demonized.

I especially feel like with wilbur in particular people are really sensitive about viewing anything he does and says in a negative light, because of how he was treated in the fanbase And because of how Much his story is centered around his suicide.

the nasty things he said To Tommy, whether that be during his spiral or in limbo or after his revival, are so often just. Smoothed Over. if not outright talked about like it's some gotcha that people use to vilify wilbur and not a pattern of behavior just as much as tommy's own aggressiveness.

people vilified tommy for being scared and angry at wilbur after his reintroduction to the point that there are people who genuinely fully believe that their limbo stream and tommy's obvious fear of wilbur after tommy's own revival was retconned.

to put it bluntly, I think there's a ton of projection happening on both sides, understandably so considering how deeply and beautifully these characters tackle mental health. but I think that projection mingled with the way that Other parts of the fandom mistreat these characters make this Extreme defensiveness that's just really not worth engaging with.

and that's not even considering how the mcyt community as a whole has a major problem with parasocial relationships taken too far. Especially during 2020-2021 when covid was at its height and people were really leaning onto Their Streamer to help them cope with the isolation.

that's not to say that parasocial relationships or projection are inherently Bad. I know full well that I do both without a shred of embarrassment about it. it's very famously why I still can't engage with boundless sands content without immediately bursting into tears a year later.

but a lot of people can't seem to untangle their very personal feelings about it from arguments about characterization or writing or meta. it's very important to them to absolve Their Good Friend from any guilt or wrongdoing and to stick up for them against the bad people that are hurting them, be that other characters or people online. Especially when "their good friend" is Also a stand in for themselves (whether they realize it or not).

and it's just not worth engaging with that, especially not in 2024. if someone needs to use wilbur to be kind to the part of themselves that's hurting then by all means, I'm certainly not throwing stones in glass houses.

but there's really nothing To Say to someone who fully believes that tommy needs to be held accountable for driving wilbur to suicide in pogtopia. I think that's an extremely uncharitable, unkind thing to believe. I think it's an Unfair thing to believe. but it kind of doesn't matter what I think. I doubt there's anything that I or anyone could say that would change someone's mind if they already believe this.

and for my money, I'll be content just not speaking to someone who thinks that way.

my first reaction: did I only get sent this because I said that tommy calling wilbur crazy during pogtopia while actively trying to take care of him and get him to not kill himself isn't the same thing as techno doing it while actively enabling wilbur's violent self destructive death spiral [Link]

[michelleelizabethtanner]

Well. Here I am. With another question. Or more so, interested in hearing your thoughts.

Talk to me about this scene, in particular, Rio’s thoughts / feelings about the possible pregnancy and loss.

I am of the mind that he knew (or suspected or hoped) that it was fake all along, but then this scene makes me question that.

Uuughh, maybe I’m unromantic, but I think I’m in the minority in my opinion. I don’t view him as being sad about the loss of a pregnancy he allowed himself to believe was real. Like, I can just picture his little brain cogs turning after the OB confirmed a pregnancy, trying to figure out how she was lying. If Rhea was clever enough to inform the doctor and get her to lie, why wouldn’t Rio have suspected that as a possibility? He probably imagined all sorts of ways he was being lied to, ranging from “she isn’t pregnant and everyone is lying” to “she’s pregnant and it isn’t mine and she’s lying.” And maaaaybe somewhere in a secret corner of his mind lived a nagging little spark of “she’s pregnant and it’s mine and we’re all fucked, especially this poor baby.”

I keep watching this scene, trying to see his grief over a lost pregnancy, and I just don’t see it. I’ve tried to bend my mind that way and those emotions don’t come across to me at all. Even if he did believe she was pregnant, I don’t think his immediate emotion here is grief.

He sees the distress on her and watches as she engages in a self-destructive behavior. Has he seen her do this before? He’s participated in her self-destructive actions in the past, but IDK if he realized the trauma response that they were. He was having too much fun with her and enjoyed the ways she acted out. Her willingness to work for him, her initiating sex with him – it was all fun and games. I think this is the first glimpse he has into her overwhelming sadness. Into the load she carries and the reasons why she ever entered his world in the first place. To me, he is almost worried for her mental stability and how she may be hurting herself here.

Again, I see almost worry in this moment. Idk why I imagine Rio as very aware of things women go through that men usually don’t. Like the difficulty of a pregnancy loss. I imagine he would understand the impact of that kind of loss. Look at him assess her. It could be him looking for the truth. But it doesn’t seem that way to me. It’s a complicated look. One of empathy and of concern. He’s watching her get drunk and self-harm and to me, he is feeling for her here. Despite himself, he is feeling for her as a fellow human. A human he cares about whether he wants to or not.

And slowly, that empathy and that caring and that genuine concern he feels for her changes. There are no more excuses. The shield she had protecting her is gone and he has no reasons not to kill her. I think this is the moment he realizes this, while at the same time realizing that he no longer WANTS to kill her. His anger cooled while she stalled and some of his old sentimental feelings for her have returned. He just experienced them. He just felt the care for her he’s been stuffing down. The care he thought was gone forever. And suddenly those old feelings came back when he saw her vulnerable and hurting. Rio loves to save hurting women. He loves to be their hero. Not even for his own ego. I think he just acutely feels a protectiveness over women he views as “his,” and he felt that protectiveness for her as he watched her shoot tequila and be sad. I think those feelings surprised him. I think they confused him. And I think his internal struggle here is with himself and his code of ethics rather than grief for what might have been with an illegitimate crime baby. He isn’t mourning a baby. He’s mourning Beth.

Side note: what do you think the actors thought they were conveying? It’s so interesting to me how we all attribute all this emotion based on subtle looks and small actions. Beth and Rio aren’t real. So what did Christina and Manny think these characters would feel in this moment? So fascinating!

[poppibelle]

Celebrity by Slayyyter

So Poppibelle moves a lot, mainly to escape from her mistakes. When she senses the slightest hint that things are going south she’ll be running from whoever or whatever she’s with.

Also, she constantly craves extreme pleasure coo coming from sexual stimulation, and that makes her unsatisfied with her current relationship or state. She’ll chase for the satisfaction that she can’t have and because of this she always abandons her partner(s).

She often gets in trouble because of her self destructive and risky behavior.

She once dated a famous death metal guitarist and his girlfriend at the same time, without them knowing that she was cheating on both of them. This resulted in the disband of that band, and the guitarist destroying Poppibelle’s social life by exposing her actions to the public.

Because of Poppibelle being a succubus who attracts people, and also because of her scandalous behavior, she always gets attention whether she wants it or not. Even if she doesn’t want to be perceived by so many people she gets attention from her enemies, exes, and others who want nothing more than her body.

When she was younger she’d try to think of this as something good and enjoyable, even though she was so sick of it. This was also her way of getting a luxurious and wealthy lifestyle.

Poppy would repeat to herself, convince herself that this was what she truly wanted, the desirable life she deserved; when she was actually destroying herself with no self control and lack of genuine relationships.

Unlike her flirty and sweet exterior she’s actually very worn down, tired of her repeated attempts and failures to fix her problems. To people who are only interested in her reputation as an infamous succubus, her more vulnerable side can be off putting.

She hides this side of her and only shows what they want(her sexual, kinky side) when she’s engaging with them. She may be a “bimbo” but she’s not stupid enough to expose herself and get mocked and abused again.

I immediately thought that this was a sad song. The melody isn’t that upbeat or energetic and it feels like it’s hiding its depressed, miserable state with some hyperpop elements. If I had to choose Poppibelle’s theme song I’d pick this one.

[multiplicity-positivity]

agkdfnjr im sorry if this isn't the kind of thing you tackle but i really need some advice or something if there even really is anything anyway

we have a headmate here who is really terrible (won't go into detail but like. it's Bad) to the others in the system especially, ones who are more emotionally vulnerable; they've expressed both verbally and just through their actions that they have no desire or intentions to try and take some steps so that we can ensure that everyone here can feel safe, even with their more chaotic nature, and i just.

im honestly not sure what to do at this point - the safety and happiness of everyone here is So important to me but i know i cant just (for lack of better word jdjfhfkd) isolate?? them from everyone else -

if there's absolutely anything that i can do or any advice at all i would really really appreciate it ;_;

- a somewhat desperate host

Hi! Dealing with headmates who are persecutors, self destructive, hateful, obstinate, or otherwise difficult can be a serious struggle, and we’re sorry your system seems to be facing some of these challenges!

We ourselves are still learning how to help these alters in our own system without letting them harm the rest of us. We’ll share with you what we’re learning and trying to implement for ourselves - maybe it can help you and your system!

1. Don’t attempt to control headmates or take away agency.

It may be tempting to try and box this headmate up so they can’t hurt anyone in the system. Please try to resist this urge! Stifling headmates can cause resentment to build and just cover up the problems without solving them effectively. If your headmate feels like their personal autonomy is at risk, they may lash out or pose a more immediate threat to the system as a result.

2. Be patient, listen, and ask questions.

You said this headmate has no desire to keep the system safe. Maybe ask them why? Ask them things like:

What does treating the rest of us unkindly achieve for you?

Sometimes people act harsh or mean because they’re afraid. Is there something that’s scaring you?

What are your needs? Do you feel like they’re not being met?

Why don’t you want to take these steps so other members can feel safe? Is there something you don’t like about the steps? Can we work together to figure something out that works for everyone?

Sometimes it’s necessary to do things you don’t want to do if it will help the system and benefit us all. Is there anything you would be willing to try and do differently?

Remember when asking your headmate these questions to approach gently and from a place of caring. If you sound accusatory when you bring these issues up, it may cause them to grow defensive. Don’t expect an answer right away, but keep bringing them up whenever you can. Maybe one day they’ll surprise you with a genuine reply!

3. Set up and enforce boundaries.

Boundaries are really important in systems, and require you to express your boundary, then enforce it.

For example, you may say “When you call our vulnerable headmate names, it causes her distress. In order for us to keep each other safe, we will refuse to engage with you for X amount of time if you cannot treat us with the same respect we show you.”

Then, enforce it. When this headmate does something that goes against your boundaries, follow through by refusing to engage with them. Express to them that you are making this choice because they chose to disregard the boundaries of your system. Let them know how their choices make you and your other headmates feel, and what the harm they are causing looks like.

When enforcing your boundaries, make sure the consequences match the severity of your headmate’s behavior. Punishing them harshly for something minor can lead them to lose faith and trust in the system, and not following through when you express a boundary might cause them to disregard your system’s boundaries entirely.

Remind your headmate that you will do everything in your power to keep the system safe, and that their help is appreciated, but not required.

Here are some articles on setting healthy boundaries with children. Even if this headmate is an adult, you may find that these articles can help you understand boundaries and how to go about enforcing them!

4. Provide outlets

For alters, parts, and headmates who struggle with big, negative emotions, they may take things out on others instead of coping and expressing themselves in healthy ways. Show this headmate you care about them specifically by providing them with healthy outlets for their anger. Let them know that they’re not obligated to use the tools you provide, but they’re there in case they’d ever like to use them.

These outlets can be a playlist you’ve made with harsh/angry/invigorating music (or songs catered to their tastes), a journal that belongs to this headmate specifically, a stress ball, punching bag, or something else that allows them to use force in a nonviolent way, or a “bad day box” with items you think this headmate could make use of and enjoy. Showing your headmate that you care enough about them to provide them with healthy outlets for their negative emotions may help set them on the right track.

5. Seek outside support.

If you’ve tried everything else and are still having troubles, or if your headmate has begun threatening to harm themself or someone else, it’s time to get support from someone else.

If you’re in therapy, this would be an excellent topic to bring up during your next appointment. A mental health professional can help you build trust and communication, along with helping you figure out what’s going on with this headmate and why they behave the way they do. They’ll have more specific and better advice than we could ever provide!

If you’re not in therapy, or are unable to seek therapy, you may want to bring this up with an individual you trust who knows about the system. They may be able to help you call this headmate out if they say something unkind when fronting, or encourage this headmate to use a coping method when they’re feeling spiteful instead of taking it out on the system.

Above all else, we believe patience is the most important thing. Positive change doesn’t happen over night, and even making the decision to change may take some time! Please don’t give up on this headmate. We believe in you and your system, and hope that this headmate will be able to one day change for the better!

I’m sorry this post got so long… we hope that y’all will find something here useful! Thanks so much for reaching out - good luck with everything, and take care! ^w^

🌸 Margo and 🐢 Kip

[pirateshauntedbydadjokes]

Below are some thoughts about OFMD that includes spoilers through episode 3 of season 2

This could be a much longer essay but I am spending too much time on it as is, so it won’t have many specific examples. Hopefully I have written enough that you can infer to which events I’m referring.

I really love how Stede’s and Ed’s journeys have mirrored each other, with Stede’s being a little ahead of Ed’s. Stede and ed both start out in unfulfilling lives, feeling trapped by what is expected of them, yearning for something more. Stede leaves his old life and tries to create a new one for himself. When they meet, they immediately connect over this shared feeling and desire and decide to help each other pursue it. They support each other as they explore aspects of life they haven’t before and find love with each other. They both falter a bit in their new roles and their personal growth but try to support the other and will ultimately sacrifice themselves for the other. Then both go through a sudden upset. Ed is betrayed by his first mate and an old friend, makes a huge sacrifice for Stede, and then is abandoned. Stede is arrested and faces a firing squad expecting to be killed, watches Ed make a huge sacrifice for him and finds out he’s been declared dead. While in the resulting emotional turmoil and vulnerability, an antagonist destroys the sense of safety and security that is needed to allow them to grow in a healthy way. The antagonist threatens them and affirms their biggest insecurities, their worries and any other sources of self-hatred. This causes both of them to spiral hard and return to their worst behaviors and mindsets. They both engage in self-destructive behaviors and seriously harm those around them. The harm is severe enough that someone close to them(in Ed’s case multiple people including himself) tries to murder them. Both have a heart to heart with the one who wanted to kill them immediately after the attempted murder. in Ed’s case, it is Ed because although it is the crew that kills him, they do so only because Ed makes them choose between killing him or dying with him. In Stede’s case, Mary is both the person who wants to kill Stede and the one who tries to. In this Heart to heart they are able to do some self reflection and choose life because of their love for each other. Stede does this metaphorically, while Ed does this literally

Now that brings us up to where the show has left off so far for Ed’s journey. At this point I think their journeys will start to diverge more. Frankly, I don’t think Stede has done that much growth yet in season 2. At the end of season 1, he makes his amends to his family and sets off to find Ed. And finding Ed has been his sole focus in the first three episodes. From the trailer and the promotional images, I am going to assume that in the next episode the reunion is not going to go well and they will split up again, during which time both will be focusing on their own personal journeys. Both Characters are deeply flawed and while they couldn’t see it while they were spiraling, they are both lovable and redeemable. They took some meaningful steps forward in season 1 and then many steps back. They’re both starting to take steps forward again and I’m excited to see where they’ll go from here.

[cyrusreblogs]

Ok so I love so much about this and I absolutely understand how bad smoking is for you but are we talking about gate keeping access to HRT dependent on smoking cessation? It’s not clear to me one way or the other. OP sounds lovely and I’m hopeful that they just nag their patients to quit a lot or offer them resources about quitting. But my mom’s doc denied her access to HRT as treatment for menopause unless she could quit smoking, and she had hot flashes for about six months (longer?) before she was able to quit long enough to qualify for the hormones that stopped them. My mom is in surprisingly good health for a lifelong smoker — fewer back problems than me, healthy heart, healthy digestion, no respiratory issues that I know of. Her knees aren’t fantastic but that’s not because of smoking. And the hot flashes pretty seriously impacted her quality of life for a while. I’ve had hot flashes before, back when I first started T. They’re unpleasant, and I didn’t love that the hormones were being withheld on condition of smoking cessation, something my mother has been trying and failing to do ever since I was a kid. (Though I figured it was a good motivator — and it was. She quit for longer than she ever has before, lol. She’s back at it now, unfortunately.)

But gender dysphoria is (or at least can be) much worse than hot flashes, and more hazardous to one’s health, especially if we’re engaging in self harm, self destructive behaviors, or suicidal ideations as a result of dysphoria. So I do agree that quitting should be the goal, but not a prerequisite for taking hormones unless there’s further context indicating elevated cardiovascular risk. My mom didn’t have any. If my hypothetical trans mom had been denied access to gender-affirming HRT on the same grounds with the same health markers, I would be livid.

Also I want to say that I smoked for about five years and once I decided to quit it was actually pretty easy (I waited to have a cold, when cigarettes naturally disgust me, and used the break to get over the chemical addiction, after which it was purely psychological and not very strong at that point because I missed my sense of smell. And freedom from cravings — felt like such a burden to have to smoke every few hours. In case this helps anyone) BUT it is also very clear to me that quitting is not that easy for everyone. It unsettles me the way that people see a health risk that has some relationship to behavior (weight comes to mind, though Maintenance Phase has kind of disillusioned me about a lot of the relationship between weight and behavior or between weight and health — there is a lot to unpack there) and immediately start dogpiling on people with that behavior or health risk in the name of good health or good public policy. That’s not what’s happening here in this post, I guess I’m just easily triggered by remembering all of the unsolicited lectures about the dangers of smoking from random acquaintances and the fear that I might not be able to get access to testosterone. I do dislike the stigma about smokers. I think it’s veiled classism, pretty frequently, and often feels victim-blamey, as if being a smoker means you’re morally aligned with Big Tobacco, as if getting sucked in by our cultural obsession with smoking or the way it feels chemically means that you’re voting with your dollar in favor of Marlboro.

Anyway anyway. This post I’m reblogging isn’t doing that. I’m just over here in my feelings about it, clutching my tobacco-smoke-stained pearls.

Quit if you can! Especially if you’re getting any kind of surgery! But if you can’t, there should be some kind of risk-aware, informed consent model of care, shouldn’t there? Know the consequences (necrotic tissue due to poor circulation and healing following surgery, for instance — of particular relevance to trans people who smoke: your whole brand new dick could fall off) and manage the risks as best you can while making informed choices about your body and your healthcare.

For the most part, my approach to prescribing hormones is “sure,” but I will note that the one thing I lean HARD on patients about is smoking. If you’re transgender, and you’re on hormones, the number one thing we want to protect is your cardiovascular health. That’s frankly the number one thing I want to protect in all my patients, but anyone taking exogenous hormones is at higher baseline risk. And the best thing you can do for your heart is DON’T SMOKE. It’s a bitch to quit, and I didn’t even smoke much or long before I quit in my late teens, and I STILL didn’t enjoy quitting and had smoking dreams for years. It’s harder to quit than just about anything else up to and including crack and heroin, and that’s coming from a patient of mine who recently passed in her early 60s who’d done all of those things—for years and years—but eventually was able to quit everything except smoking. And that killed her. She developed severe COPD and eventually called to say her blood oxygen saturation was dipping into the 70s, which is incompatible with life. She was lucid enough to decline medical care, including refusing to call 911 or go to the ER. A week later, after both I and one of our outreach nurses had contacted her to ask her to please go to the ER, I got a notification that she’d been found dead. She had been so frustrated that she wasn’t a candidate for a lung transplant.

One of my oldest trans patients is in her late 50s. She’s had blood clots that went to the lungs. Repeatedly. Smoking raises that risk. Estrogen raises that risk. She’s a veteran with PTSD; of course she smoked.

These aren’t theoretical. These are humans I’ve cared for over years of their lives. I have been rooting for them—my beloved former addict, who spoke without shame about her years of homelessness and drug use in the city; my queer elders, who are slowly trading in their motorcycles for power scooters. I want everyone to live their fullest, best life.

Smoking doesn’t fit into that. Please don’t smoke. I don’t want you to die like that—not now and not later. I want you to have the future that you may not be able to see yet, but exists.

Since I moved home as an out queer, word got out, and there’s a whole apartment complex of lesbians in their 60s to their 80s who come see me—sitting next to their wives in the office, nagging about blood pressure meds, tattling about not having gotten the shingles shot they said they would. To be clear, when I was growing up in town, I knew no lesbians. Not one. I knew one gay kid in my class, which eventually turned into two. We were it. To see these women living decades with their wives and being able to squabble like any couple in my office over who was supposed to bring their home blood pressure cuff in for us to check it… it means the world to me.

[terselylove]

Narcissists Who Are Jealous Of You Display These 4 Subtle Behaviors in Relationships

A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy shares the four behaviors that indicate a narcissist is envious and jealous of you.   

Benign envy and malicious envy are two very different emotional and behavioral states that lead to different outcomes. In benign envy, a person who feels envious or jealous of another person uses that jealousy constructively to fuel their own goals. In malicious envy, a person who is jealous or envious goes out of their way to deliberately undermine someone else’s success in an attempt to belittle and diminish them and “one-up” them to gain power and control. Research reveals that people who have narcissistic and psychopathic traits engage in malicious envy – envy that is destructive and aggressive. Here are four subtle behaviors you may notice if a narcissist is jealous or envious of you. 

They underhandedly sabotage you and place barriers on your path to success. 

Perhaps the clearest sign that a narcissist is envious of you is when they try to prevent you from succeeding by placing obstacles in your path to success. If you have a track record of high performance or are pursuing goals outside of them that threaten their ego, they will seek to regain control to diminish you. For example, a narcissistic husband may prevent his wife from pursuing higher education and attempt to micromanage and control her finances, so she is unable to have the resources to leave him. A narcissistic wife may belittle her husband’s career because she wants him dependent on her approval and always working harder to earn more and please her while she leeches off his resources. A narcissistic co-worker might try to highlight their own achievements while hiding your accomplishments which surpass theirs, in an attempt to gain favor with superiors. Or a narcissistic parent might verbally abuse their children, so they never feel good enough to pursue their ambitions and free themselves from the parent’s control. This is malicious envy to deter you from your goals in action.  

They “neg” you and covertly demean you so you’re less confident about yourself.  

Negging consists of any backhanded comments to disorient you and “humble” you into believing you fall short in some capacity. It is a malignant dating strategy often used by male pick-up artists to make women more compliant to their romantic advances, and unfortunately, it is occasionally effective when weaponized by narcissists to lower your confidence and self-worth, especially if used frequently over time. If a narcissist perceives you to be out of their league in any way, whether it be in appearance, success, talents, personality, popularity, the romantic attention you receive or all of the above, they will seek to lower your perceived value and raise their own perceived value by minimizing and detracting from your assets and positive qualities. For example, when you disclose to a narcissist on a date that you are pursuing your PhD, they may immediately say something like, “Are those degrees worth anything these days? I mean, just wondering,” in a tone of faux innocence to covertly undermine your achievements. Or, if a narcissist is jealous of the attention you get from strangers and other romantic prospects, they might start making cruel “teasing” comments about the way you dress or your makeup in an effort to make you stop dressing up, in the hopes you get less attention. They might say, “You look even better without makeup, not sure why you’re trying to put all that on your face” or if you’re wearing a flattering dress, “Wearing that dress is brave of you. Try something simpler!” These are all attempts to subtly motivate you to change your usual behaviors so you don’t threaten their grandiose self-perception or evoke their insecurities. 

They try to pit you against other people, and other people against you, setting up “competitions” to vie for their attention and approval.

Narcissists and psychopaths are not at peace unless they’re manufacturing chaos. They sadistically derive pleasure and excitement from watching people turn against one another by planting seeds of distrust, suspicion, paranoia, and doubt among the people closest to them, whether they be romantic partners, exes, friends, family members, colleagues, or even acquaintances who are the chosen scapegoats of their envy. Research reveals that they provoke jealousy on purpose for power and control, to exact revenge, test the relationship or in cases of vulnerable narcissism and the second subtype of psychopathy, to compensate for their own insecurities. That is why a narcissistic partner may constantly talk about their ex (in both loving and demeaning ways) to manufacture love triangles to get you to compete for them. That is why a narcissistic friend may gossip about you to your mutual friends and spread rumors, all while engaging in hurt-and-rescue tactics and pretending to “comfort” you when you discover these smear campaigns. That is why narcissistic employees might try to get themselves or one of their cronies promoted rather than create a true meritocracy where the most high-achieving and talented workers are rewarded, all while trying to sabotage you so you don’t climb the corporate ladder. It is all a way for them to stroke their own grandiose ego and attempt to make you feel inferior because they know you surpass them. Otherwise, they would not have to try so hard to sabotage you or demean you. 

They constantly move the goal posts and hypercriticize and nitpick you, so you never feel “enough” no matter what you do.

Hypercriticism and moving the goal posts are manipulation tactics that help ensure that an envious narcissist controls your focus. If you’re too focused on trying to gain their approval, you will stay less focused on how to take care of yourself or detach from the relationship. Let’s say a narcissistic dating partner told you that you don’t have what takes to be a singer, even though you’ve won many singing competitions, because they are jealous of your natural talent. Or a narcissistic spouse tells you to lose weight, even though you’re already a size two. When you do lose the weight unnecessarily or start entering even more challenging singing competitions to prove them wrong, they’ll start to nitpick and hypercriticize other parts of you or even make comparisons between you and other people to gaslight you and make you feel small. This is a game you simply cannot win, because the goal posts are arbitrary and will always change. You are far better off validating yourself, finding people who honor and celebrate your wins, and see you for the remarkable person you are, valuing and appreciating you as you deserve. If you are in a relationship with a hypercritical narcissist, the manipulation and mistreatment you experienced were never your fault. You deserve to healthy relationships, and you deserve to heal from toxic people. 

[bandofchimeras]

religious trauma diaryposting

nah you don't get it. in my house growing up the kids would actually CRY if we heard someone say "oh my god" or cuss. even trying to briefly touch on White Jesus and Jesus actually being a Middle Eastern man got my fam so freaked out about potential blasphemy (????? idk, guess you can't criticize any portrayal of Christ) they shut down this whole conversation we were having about Palestine that was actually constructive.

when I say I grew up Catholic I mean, devout, convicted, delusionally Catholic to the point we engaged in cult behavior. and I want to, and try to respect other people's cultural Catholicism and understand my own family's cultural ties to it but bro....it's ridiculous.

I can't even imagine saying "What if Jesus kinda sucked?" to my dad. Like I do not have a mental picture of what would happen. With my parents you can criticize them, but you cannot criticize the Church. You cannot cross the line of blasphemy. It's draining to try and have a normal conversation bc in order to do so I have to pretend that sex doesn't exist, everything the Catholic Church has ever decreed is 100% absolute truth, and bodily functions are deeply shameful.

I am 28 years old. I cannot waste anymore of my life navigating this insane bullshit.

Cult recovery is so weird when the rest of your family is still in it, I'm just figuring out you can be a person without following some complex set of arbitrary rules. Like you can just exist. I constantly feel like I'm about to be struck with lightning. When I'm around my family they can be so sweet and we can have some fun but there's always a trigger line I have to mind so they don't self destruct and shut down or lash out at me. Neurodivergent religious people are incredibly fragile. And being homeschooled, that orientation was normalized to the point, along with having OCD, I have had to teach myself how to interact with the public without praying in my head for their souls or to God to protect me. It's terrifying, at first, and I still don't really understand people who just exist and don't feel a wracking pain in their core all the time from losing that delusion of absolute certainty in a belief. It's comparative to being told the Sun isn't actually real, it's a big prop in the sky created to manipulate you.

Anyways forgive the drama on main. I feel like a constant outsider and a dogged sense of aloneness, and worry that no one whose out here engaging in pop culture and living their lives actually understands the extent of the psychological damage that comes from being 100% immersed in a harmful cult for all of your formative years and leaving it to become the thing they taught you to hate and fear, and realizing you are hated and feared for having been part of the harmful cult as well.

The only time I've felt close to being seen is reading Hell Followed With Us. I related a lot to Benji's soldier like mentality of adopting new language and concepts immediately, and his hard-line dedication to destroying where he came from to prove he is not on their side, not dangerous, etc. it's fucking torturous. So that book was not fun to read at all. I barely can recommend it and will never reread it even though I am very glad to have read it. Felt a lot like watching the Passion of the Christ.

So yeah fuck off with "why aren't you over that by now?" I don't think I will be over it until I'm brave enough to publicly blaspheme and bathe myself in pigs blood or do a burlesque number on the altar of my home parish lmao.