#i imagine flower as the kind of kid whose parents would let him experiment with alternative fashion but not actually let him pierce his ear

[rinksrats]

someone put more eyeliner on flower, stat

punk au I guess

[jasontoddiefor]

MTTT AU ft. Padmé in PJs eating take out aka Chapter 7: A Connection - Padmé

Padmé had known from the first moment on that a secret relationship wouldn’t be easy to manage, no matter how used she was to keeping quiet and handling too many duties at once.

All Anakin and she had were stolen moments in the shadows, here and there a few hours in her apartment, and maybe, if she got a little reckless again and had a stroke of luck, a shared mission.

Padmé missed her husband, she did, but they had chosen this fate themselves and now they had to carry its burden. Maybe once the war was over, something would change. They hadn’t talked about it yet, not really, there had never been the time for it. Not to mention, who wanted to think of the hassle that was people’s expectations of them when they could instead make the best they were given at the present. She dared to imagine soft afternoons on Naboo at times, when she was still in bed, sleep chasing her, but that was about it.

Maybe Anakin would leave the Order for her, maybe Padmé would… She didn’t even know what she could do. She just knew that it couldn’t go on like this, not until the end of time. She wanted to show Anakin off to her family, tell them what an amazing husband she had and she wanted to go dancing with him, have a meal at a fancy restaurant, and return to Naboo with him for at least the High Holy Days to watch the fireworks and put candles on the lakes.

But not right now, nothing was possible right now. They were at war and Padmé shouldn’t indulge in such flimsy dreams. Unfortunately, when she was close to Anakin, it was so easy to get lost in dreams.

Anakin wasn’t here right now, but weeks away, somewhere in the Outer Rim, fighting yet another endless battle whose victory never seemed to matter too much in the long run.

The more war reports she read and the more she fought in the Senate, the more convinced did Padmé become that they were sending the Jedi out to fight for nothing. The thought of losing Anakin to this senseless war made her stomach turn. Padmé worried about him constantly. She knew he was strong, the Republic hadn’t dubbed him its Hero with no Fear for nothing after all, but she knew better.

Anakin was afraid all the time, sometimes so much that it stopped him from speaking, left him haunted by nightmares he couldn’t shake.

When she asked about it, he quickly switched the topic.  Padmé knew that she ought to do better and get Anakin to talk to her, but she was only human and a relationship always required two people doing their best.

And it required that they actually had time to talk.

Padmé glanced at her datapad. Its screen was still dark, taunting her. It had been a month since Anakin’s last message. They tried to message each other as often as possible, exchanging I love yous coded into descriptions of flowers and ship parts. They had to be careful, could never say a word too much that could be used against them at a later date. Nobody was to discover their secrets and so Padmé spun lies upon lies to keep everybody unaware.

She wondered what lies Anakin told Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, and every other member of his Order. When the war had just started, Padmé hadn’t been too kind to the Jedi, thinking of their rules as strict and their prohibitions as arbitrary, but more and more she was coming to understand that there was a reason for it all.

You could not be a devout Jedi and pour everything into serving the Republic and then still give everything you have for a family outside of the Order. While it had taken her a while to realize it, Padmé could empathize with the sentiment. It was very much the same with her and her family. Each time they asked her to come home, Padmé still picked the Senate over them. She had a duty to the galaxy and if the price for it was this isolation from them, then she could bear it. She had her allies and friends here on Coruscant, her sisters in all but blood, and she had Anakin.

When he was there.

And actually replied to her message.

She hadn’t heard any great news about him or the 501st at large. As far as she was aware, they were still operating as always, running their missions and following orders. Anakin couldn’t be dead, the Republic would be in an uproar.

The thought was a bittersweet relief at least. She couldn’t even count the times she had thought Anakin dead on two hands anymore. He was always in so much danger – she constantly feared that today would be the day he wouldn’t return to her anymore.

If he died tomorrow, what were the last words they exchanged? The last kiss they had shared? Padmé didn’t want to think of herself as fair Veré, who thought of herself as the widow of Set who had gone to live amongst the stars long before her dear husband actually had.

She shook her head. She shouldn’t think so negatively. She had thousands of other things to worry about. New bills, the assassin that was after her and had somehow managed to poison her favorite dessert – she couldn’t spare more than one moment’s thought on the state of her husband.

She was never just Anakin Skywalker’s wife.

She didn’t want to be.

Padmé had always been a greedy child, though her parents had liked to call her ambitious instead. Padmé had wanted to do good and she had wanted to do it herself. She was unsure whether it was that she didn’t trust others enough for it or if a lothcat just couldn’t change its spots, but even when she let herself be distracted by sweet kisses, half her mind was somewhere else.

One of these days it was going to be too much.

Padmé stood up from her sofa, throwing another glance at her traitorous datapad before sighing, then she walked into the kitchen, searching for something edible after a long day. There she went to open her fridge, trying to find something good and fresh to eat, only to be severely disappointed. Her fridge was a sad and desolate space, stocked with only one take-out container and two fruits that were already starting to look moldy. Padmé vaguely recalled how well-stocked her fridge had been with delicacies from Naboo when she had started her term as a Senator. Imports from her homeworld had become extremely expensive.

Padmé was almost a little ashamed to admit she wouldn’t mind accepting one of Palpatine’s dinner proposals only to get her hands on one of the parfaits she used to stuff her mouth with as a kid.

Once Anakin was back, she’d get him to cook something for her. She hadn’t expected him to be good at it, but he was a surprisingly great cook. On the few days they had had on Naboo together after Geonosis, he had pretty much taken over the kitchen within minutes of seeing her attempt at cutting an onion. He had still required her presence and aid at times, unused to his new prosthetic, but even then he had given her instructions on how to properly cut vegetables and fruits. Padmé had never been someone for cooking, it was a trouble and she had never had the time to learn. Perhaps she should start to, people did say that stress baking helped, though she wouldn’t know where to fit a cooking class into her busy schedule.

In the end, Padmé grabbed the take-out box from Dex’s – her new favorite place to order food at – and warmed it up. After it was done, she considered putting the contents of the box on a plate to make it look like she had put at least some effort into the meal. Demotivated she looked at the white container. If she grabbed a plate, she’d just have to clean that as well and there was no point to it if it was really just her. Padmé fished a fork out of her drawer and walked back to her living room. She didn’t even bother sitting down at her dinner table and instead got comfortable on her couch. What a mighty picture she made, former Queen of Naboo, slouching on her sofa, eating takeout in her PJs like an overworked university student.

Not that Padmé really knew what university life was like. Her handmaidens and she had been educated by private tutors who had given them an extensive overview in whatever subjects they needed or desired. As Padmé dug into her food, she considered whether the time she had needed to read up on archeology digs on Archeron Prime 2 in five minutes because nobody else had wanted to deal with ancient sites conversation and so had dumped it on her, had been similar enough to the common student experience.

Padmé was contemplating turning on a holomovie when finally, after weeks, her datapad chimed with a light ringtone, one she had assigned only to one person.

As quickly as possible, she shoved her food off her legs and reached for datapad. She hadn’t even swallowed her food completely when she hit the accept for the incoming call. Finally, Anakin had had the time to call her. She had so much she wanted to tell him-

“Senator Amidala?”

Padmé stared at the small blue hologram that very much did not depict her husband, but instead his young and small Padawan, looking as exhausted as Padmé felt.

Suddenly, Padmé became all too aware of her looks.

She took pride in her dresses, it was part of Naboo custom and one’s appearance in the public sphere was immensely important. She didn’t exactly look like a dedicated politician right now.

“Padawan Tano,” Padmé greeted Ahsoka, hoping her formal tone could save the situation at least a little. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to answer.”

Inwardly, Padmé cringed. Great, of course, she had to imply that she had thought she could answer Anakin’s call dressed like this. The day was just getting better and better. She couldn’t wait for it to be over.

If Ahsoka had anything to say about the way Padmé dressed, she didn’t let it show.

“I know, I’m sorry for calling you at this hour from my Master’s device, I wanted to talk to you and I didn’t have your number,” the youngling sounded like she was honestly sorry about it.

Padmé’s face softened. “There’s nothing to forgive, Ahsoka. Tell me, why are you calling me? You know I will never mind a call from you.”

“I- thank you. I’m calling about my Master.”

Ahsoka bit her lip and Padmé’s heartbeat sped up.

Oh no. Had Anakin said something? Had Ahsoka discovered their relationship? A thousand thoughts ran through her mind. This was the precise reason they were keeping it a secret still. Padmé couldn’t afford a scandal, Anakin needed to fight and they couldn’t put their friends between their duties and keeping their secret.

Well, Padmé should have known even their luck had to run out sometime.

“Ahsoka, look-“

“Did my master say anything to you before our battle on Temetha last month?” Asoka suddenly blurted out. “Anything strange? Weird? Bad?”

Their battle on-

Yes, Padmé remembered it. She had kept a keen eye on that one. It had been bound to be a difficult one according to the reports and it had also been the last major battle that Anakin had actively fought in as far as the news had been concerned. Ever since he had been on radio silence between her and Anakin. Nothing new of course, but she had still felt like something was going on behind the scenes.

“No,” Padmé said. “Nothing. Anakin and I had just talked about…”

Padmé grimaced. She was almost embarrassed to say that they had chatted about cheap romance novels and even worse holomovies. It had been such a dumb and random topic, childish almost, but it had occurred to her that she had no idea what kind of stories Anakin liked and enjoyed in his free time. They had decided to do a movie marathon the next time he was back on Coruscant, despite the fact that he desperately needed the time to recover and sleep, not spend hours awake with her.

“We talked about nothing really, just hobbies,” Padmé said. “Why? Did something happen?”

Ahsoka’s expression darkened.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this,” she started slowly.

Padmé contemplated stopping Ahsoka right then and there. The poor teenager was going through enough, Padmé shouldn’t use her distress to her own gain, but where else was she going to get information about Anakin?

“Did something happen to Anakin?”

Ahsoka hesitated, her eyes darted to somewhere in her room that Padmé couldn’t see.

“He was injured in the aftermath of the battle,” Ahsoka revealed. “And I don’t know how. The machines say he’s fine.”

The machines. What machines? Had it been vital? Was he comatose? Was that the reason she hadn’t heard a word from him, was the army keeping it under wraps as to not cause distress? What other secrets were they hiding-

Padmé’s growing panic must have shown on her face as Ahsoka reassured her quickly.

“He’s fine now! Or as fine as he can be at least. He won’t talk to me about anything anymore. Obi-Wan’s training me right now too because Anakin can’t.”

Padmé’s thoughts traveled to those days on Naboo in the aftermath of Geonosis. Anakin’s hadn’t been given the time he needed to recover properly and get used to his new prosthetic before he’d been sent out to fight in the front and yet, somehow, he was one of their strongest fighters. Had he lost another limb? How many weeks would they give him off this time if it had already been a month?

“I just thought you might know something,” Ahsoka finally finished. “Master Skywalker speaks very highly of you, you’re friends?”

“Very close friends, yes,” Pamdé told Ahsoka. “We met when we were just children. Anakin helped my planet considerably at the time.”

“Really?” Ahsoka asked, light returning to her eyes.

Perhaps Padmé would have to call Obi-Wan later, or see if she could get someone to tell her what was truly going on with the 501st.

Until then she had a Padawan to calm down.

“I can’t believe Anakin never shared this story with you. Let me tell you all about it,” Padmé said. “I was 14 and had been elected the Queen of Naboo…”

Padmé ended up talking for hours or so it felt like, much longer than she did with Anakin as he hardly had the time for it. When Padmé was done talking about her and Anakin’s first meeting and the consequent fight with the Trade Federation, she began regaling Ahsoka with more stories about her term as a queen. By the time the Padawan had to go again, Ahsoka was still bothered by her worry for her master, but at least she was smiling again.

Padmé ended the call and took a deep breath. She looked at her now cold dinner and the dark night sky.

Then she stood up and got to work.

[goodluckbabe2024]

my friend i am here with the self insert oc sam parallel episode, i have a history exam tomorrow and i refuse to revise in favor of writing this. let me take you on a journey.

this is very self indulgent and spans kind of the entirety of the series (because im nosy and want to be involved in every cool plot) so im not gonna embarrass myself OR bore you but the general gist of the first episode is this:

i am an 18yr old psychic kid raised by a hunter, meeting the boys in s2 through a “my father was also murdered by a ghost of his past”, except he did not immediately assume i am the antichrist while i was an infant and raised me relatively normal, thus demonstrating that john winchester was a fucked up parent because he allowed himself to be.

i am what sam could’ve been and he is once again reminded that all he ever wanted was to be normal and loved and how that was taken away from him, unfairly. he is angry. he is jealous. he feels bad about being jealous because “her dad’s dead, what the fuck,man”. he wants me to be ok, ultimately, ofc he does, but he doesn’t understand why i got it, why he didn’t, why couldn’t john do it. this serves as more material for soul-searching bc i am a firm believer that understanding the circumstances of abuse and neglect and wrapping ur head around them helps lift the guilt we often burden ourselves with: it’s not that if sam had been a better son john would have loved him more, it’s that john refused to look at sam for what sam really was: a child wracked by generational trauma and unprocessed grief, whose autonomy was violated before he could say his first word, in need of love, and chose to instead look at sam through his own grief muddied goggles and link him to mary’s death. insane how this is turning into sam analysis isn’t it.

i am also angry because im still sort of a child but not really, not anymore, im on the cusp of adulthood and going into it knowing that the world is unfair and hateful, grief is written all over me and sam thinks oh nono, because hope’s kind of the whole point isn’t it, and i had it and now it has been taken from me along with my parent and sam feels so alone and furious with everything, he’s plagued by skull cracking demonic visions, and he doesn’t want this idealized version of himself to ultimately end up like the version of himself that he is now, the one he doesn’t understand, the one he’s afraid of. he’s looking in a weird funhouse mirror, sees a kid who was different like he was but was cherished, and sees her end up in the same position he is now: fatherless, on a quest for revenge. he thinks that if we get the monster of the week, ill be better and he’ll find his hope in that. all roads lead to rome but he wont allow this one to reach the colosseum (defying destiny theme, hello).

the monster of the week hunt begins thusly, with sam generally uncomfortable. i confide in him about my psychic abilities and i explain to the brothers that i can help. both are opposed, but i am a chaotic little bitch and get involved anyway. throughout my involvement, sam learns more about the world of psychic mediums and thinks aha! hope! maybe if i dig deep enough (whore for lore amirite babes) ill find someone who’s lived an experience similar to mine! miss oc what are ur book recs for “i think i am psychic and terrified of it” and i say “fear not nerd have a very small cup of coffee and let me tell you about this great college course on divination”. this is relevant because i wanted to see more of sam desperately trying to fit into some sort of community, even a community of supernatural folk john and dean might’ve disapproved of, and finding that, at this point in time, he does not. he’s an outsider to normal people, he’s an outsider to those in contact with the paranormal. really hammer in that freak (affectionate) tagline. (he WILL build a safe haven in the men of letters bunker for all misfits in his adulthood, party city wig sam i do NOT perceive you)

the hunt culminates in an impressive showdown that includes the following: pyrotechnics, a cool spell, seeing things that aren’t really there, the power of friendship and a butter knife thrown like a frisbee. at the end we all look like final girls because im gay so blood is sexy. sam, who has come to regard me like a younger sibling/some sort of manifestation of his inner child, learns what it’s like to be deeply concerned with a youth’s safety and has a heart to heart with dean about how yeah, handling a teenager with incredible amounts of simmering rage and unprocessed grief while being barely equipped for any guardian-like role IS hard, man, is this what it felt like every time i busted out a batshit plan last minute and barely executed it in time to survive??? “yeah. bitch” “jerk.”

the epilogue is as follows: we see sam feeling many complicated things, but he is satisfied for the moment. we have a little heart to heart while laying flowers on my father’s grave. we both look a little worse for wear, but hopeful. “what’re you gonna do now?” “im not sure. college, maybe?” we keep in touch. i go on to art school and make homoerotic art pieces, as is my right. i make guest appearances whenever they need a deus ex machina bs spell to get out of trouble.

maybe in later seasons i go a little ape shit and commit some magical atrocities in the name of the greater good. maybe i get a little antagonized and he gets to offer me the understanding he couldn’t get when he needed it. i see you, sam, treating all misfits in later seasons with kindness, and i offer you a claire-like parallel to be there for through the tough times, thus healing some of your own wounds. everyone deserves an angsty wlw teenager to bond with . (i am only on season 9 of my rewatch and i have not seen seasons 12-15 in their entirety, if he does get one im not disrespecting that character and i love them probably)

the boys hit the road. vienna by billy joel plays, because it makes me feel things.

Slow down you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad, but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion, you got your pride

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

end scene.

this is poetry. i will cherish this forever thank you for sharing with me and good luck on your exam

[lovemesomesurveys]

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? That would never happen, but for the sake of this question I’d certainly be surprised and caught off guard to say the very least for a lot of reasons. I would just be like wtf?? Do you play video games? Sometimes.

Do you spend a lot of time with family? Yeah.

Is your house more than two stories tall? Nope.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? >> I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, thankfully. <<<

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) Nothing.

What color is your hairbrush/comb? It’s rose gold.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm? Chips and dip, crackers, cookies...

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? No.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? No.

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? I don’t think so.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? I don't remember.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? None.

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? I had a mini Kit Kat yesterday if that counts.

Do you play any games on Facebook? Nope.

What would you like to get a degree in? I have a degree in psych.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? I don’t even go to bed until the early morning hours.

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? >> I mean, that obviously depends on what I'm in the mood for at the time. <<< Exactly. I enjoy all those things.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Both.

What genre of films do you like the best? I’ve listed this a few times recently and don’t feel like doing so now.

How many bank accounts do you have? Just one.

Have you ever had the flu? Yeah.

What is your goal for the next few months? Get through each day and try to improve some health stuff.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? My sleep schedule is completely messed up.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. Yes. It’s a very unpleasant experience.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. Funny and smart.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? :/

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? I don’t want to share what, but there’s definitely something I would change for her.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? No.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Yeah. I’m a big scardy cat and went through the whole thing having my friend push me through while I mostly kept my eyes closed lmaooo. I kept anticipating things or someone jumping out at me.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? No.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping? I would say dusting. Did you pull a senior prank? No.

Did you graduate? Yes.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? No.

What was the last song you listened to? I don’t remember.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? Nope, hence the glasses.

Is fashion one of your interests? >> It is, I think fashion is intensely interesting and fun.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? It’s hard to imagine that happening for me, honestly.

Do you care what people think? Yes, but not as much as I used to. 

Is acting something you enjoy? No.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained? My leg when I was a kid.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? No.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No.

Whose house, other than yours and your families’, are you most comfortable at? I’m most comfortable at my own house.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? No.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? Nope.

Did you ever watch the show Full House? Yeah.

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? No.

Have you ever burned someone’s picture? No.

What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? I’ve never been on a hike.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? No.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? My ex.

Do your parents smoke cigarettes? Nope.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? I’m currently wearing an Hey Arnold shirt with Arnold and Helga plucking a flower on it and it has “I hate him” repeated a few times and then at the bottom it says, “I love him.” 

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Any reptile or insect.

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Taller. Most people are taller than me anyway.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Yes.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? No.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? That my family was here.

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during? Hmm.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? The Fault in Our Stars is one that really, really got to me when I first saw it. I bawled. 

What’s your favorite restaurant? I don’t have a particular favorite.

Is there a dessert you don’t like? Not a pie fan.

Favorite album? Hybrid Theory and Meteora.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? I got into Twilight and The Hunger Games that way. I ended up becoming really into both, though.

Underwater or outer space? Both terrify me.

Dogs or cats? Dogs.

Kittens or puppies? Puppies

Bird watching or whale watching? Bird. I have an irrational fear of whales.

What was your best subject in school? English.

What was your worst subject in school? Math.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? Uhhh.

Who is your fashion icon? I don’t have one. 

Diamonds or pearls? Both are nice.

What color dress did you wear to prom? It was white with gold flecks.

What’s your favorite plot-twist? Thats a broad question. There’s been a lot of plot twists in various movies, books, TV shows, and life itself, ha, that really got me.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? No.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? A few days ago. Had a full on panic attack, too, which was fun.

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? Ew, NO. I find that so disgusting.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No.

Who are you closest to? My mom and brother.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No.

Are you currently sad about anything? Sad is just part of me.

Have you had any form of exercise today? I haven’t even gotten out of bed, yet, but I can assure you no exercising will be going on today.

Can you handle blood? Nooo.

Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. I didn’t try to apply for a job either though, so.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No.

Are you currently searching for a job? No.

Does eating breakfast make you sick? >> Nah. There was a short period of time when it did, back in the day, but now eating shortly after waking is almost a necessity for me. <<< Same, actually. The past few months I’ve gotten into the regular routine of having breakfast. 

[gerryconway]

Stan the Man

Since the news of Stan Lee's death I've wanted to write something meaningful about my own feelings for him, what he represented to me as a creator and as a human being, and what kind of impact his life had on my life. For many reasons (I was dislocated by the Woolsley Fire and haven't fully settled down since our return) I haven't had a chance to give such an in-depth appraisal much thought. Honestly, I doubt I could do a full appraisal of Stan's importance in my life even under the best of circumstances. His work and presence as an icon and as a human being helped form who I am today. To write a full appreciation of Stan I'd have to write my autobiography.

Among my most vivid childhood memories is my discovery of the Fantastic Four with issue 4, the first appearance of the Sub-Mariner. I was nine years old, and I'd been a comic book reader for years at that point. I knew about Superman, I knew about Batman, I'd read the early issues of Justice League. I was a compulsive reader, voracious (still am)-- devoting hours a day to books and stories and comics and even my parents' newspapers. (Both my parents were avid readers. My dad read science fiction, my mom loved mysteries.) I vividly recall the astonished joy I felt when my mom took me to our local library and got me my first library card. I was six, I think, and the reality of a roomful of books just for kids seemed like a gift from heaven. I won all the reading awards at school-- any competition for reading the most books in a year was over as far as I was concerned the first week. By nine, I'd already graduated from "age appropriate" books for pre-teens to Heinlein's juveniles, Asimov's robot stories, and the collected Sherlock Holmes stories of Arthur Conan Doyle. I was a total reading nerd.

And then came Fantastic Four.

I've never been hit by lightning but I have to imagine the shock might be similar to what I experienced reading that early adventure of Reed Richards, Sue Storm, her kid brother Johnny, and Ben Grimm. If you weren't a comic book reader at that time you cannot imagine the impact those stories had. There's nothing comparable in the modern reader's experience of comics-- nothing remotely as transformative. (To be fair, I suppose both "The Dark Knight Returns" and "Watchmen" come close, but both remarkable works built on prior tradition and were perhaps a fulfillment of potential and creative expectations. The Fantastic Four was _sui generis_.) Over a series of perhaps five issues, a single year, Stan and Jack Kirby transformed superhero comics in an act of creative alchemy similar to transmuting lead into gold, and just as unlikely.

They also changed my life. Because Stan credited himself as writer and Jack as artist, he opened my nine year old eyes to a possibility I'd never really considered before: I could be something called a comic book "writer" or "artist."

Think about that, for a moment. Before Stan regularly began giving credits to writers and artists, comics (with a few exceptions) were produced anonymously. Who wrote and drew Superman? Who wrote and drew Donald Duck? Who wrote and drew Archie? Who knew? (Serious older fans knew, of course, but as far as the average reader or disinterested bystander knew, most comics popped into existence spontaneously, like flowers, or in some eyes, weeds.)

Stan did more than create a fictional universe, more than create an approach to superhero storytelling and mythology-- he created the concept of comic book story creation itself. Through his promotion of the Marvel Bullpen, with his identification of the creative personalities who wrote and drew Marvel's books, he sparked the idea that writing and drawing comics was something ordinary people did every day. (Yes, yes, to a degree Bill Gaines had done something similar with EC Comic's in-house fan pages, but let's be honest, EC never had the overwhelming impact on a mass audience that Marvel had later.) He made the creation of comic book stories something anyone could aspire to do _as a potential career_.

That's huge. It gave rise to a generation of creative talent whose ambition was to create comics. Prior to the 1960s, writing and drawing comic books wasn't something any writer or artist generally aspired to (obviously there were exceptions). Almost every professional comic book artist was an aspiring newspaper syndicated strip artist or an aspiring magazine illustrator. (Again, there were exceptions.) Almost every professional comic book writer was also a writer for pulp magazines or paperback thrillers. (Edmond Hamilton, Otto Binder, Gardner Fox, so many others-- all wrote for the pulps and paperbacks.) Comic book careers weren't something you aimed to achieve; they were where you ended up when you failed to reach your goal.

Even Stan, prior to the Fantastic Four, felt this way. It's an essential part of his legend: he wanted to quit comics because he felt it was stifling his creative potential, but his wife, Joan, suggested an alternative. Write the way you want to write. Write what you want to write. Write your own truth.

He did, and the rest, as the saying goes, is history.

When I picked up that issue of Fantastic Four, I was a nine year old boy with typical nine year old boy fantasies about what my life would be. Some were literal fantasies: I'd suggested to my dad a year or so earlier that we could turn the family car into the Batmobile and he could be Batman and I could be Robin and we could fight crime. After he passed on that idea I decided we could be like the Hardy family-- he could be a detective and I could be his amateur detective son, either Frank or Joe. Later I became more realistic and figured I could become an actor who played Frank or Joe Hardy in a Hardy Boy movie. In fact, by nine, my most realistic career fantasies involved either becoming an actor or an astronaut, and of the two, astronaut seemed like the more practical choice.

Stan and Marvel Comics gradually showed me a different path, a different possible career. By making comic books cool, by making them creatively enticing, and by making the people who created comics _real_ to readers-- Stan created the idea of a career creating comics.

Stan alone did this. We can argue over other aspects of his legacy-- debate whether he or his several collaborators were more important in the creation of this character or that piece of mythology-- but we can't argue about this. Without Stan's promotion of his fellow creatives at Marvel there would have been no lionizing of individual writers and artists in the 1960s. Without that promotion there would have been no visible role models for younger, future creators to emulate. Yes, some of us would still have wanted to create comics-- but I'd argue that the massive explosion of talent in the 1970s and later decades had its origin in Stan's innovative promotion of individual talents during the 1960s.

Nobody aspires to play in a rock band if they've never heard of a rock band. The Marvel Bullpen of the 1960s was comicdom's first rock band.

That was because of Stan.

For me, Stan's presence in the world gave direction and purpose to my creative life, and my creative life has given meaning and purpose to my personal life. I am the man I am today, and I've lived the life I've lived, because of him. From the age of nine on, I've followed the path I'm on because of Stan Lee. (So much of my personal life is entangled in choices I've made as a result of my career it's impossible for me to separate personal from professional.)

My personal relationship with Stan, which began when I was seventeen years old, is more complex and less enlightening. It's a truism your heroes always disappoint you, and I was often disappointed by Stan. Yet I never stopped admiring him for his best qualities, his innate goodness, his creative ambition and unparalleled instincts. People often asked me, "What's Stan really like?" For a long time I had a cynical answer, but in recent years I realized I was wrong. The Stan you saw in the media was, in fact, the real Stan: a sweet, earnest, basically decent man who wanted to do the right thing, who was as astounded by his success as anyone, and who was just modest enough to mock himself to let us know he was in on the joke. I imagine Stan was grateful for the luck of being the right man at the right place at the right time-- but it's true he _was_ the right man. No one else could have done what he did. The qualities of ego and self-interest that I sometimes decried in him were the same qualities needed for him to fulfill the role he played. In typical comic book story telling, his weaknesses were his strengths. And his strengths made him a legend and a leader for all who came after him-- particularly me.

This has been a rambling appreciation, I know. Scattered and disjointed. Like I said, trying to describe the impact Stan had on my life would require an autobiography.

When I started thinking about Stan in light of his death I realized, for the first time (and isn't this psychologically interesting?) that Stan was born just a year after my father. When I met him, as a teenager struggling with my own father as almost all teenage boys do, Stan probably affected me as a surrogate father figure. Unlike my own father, Stan was a symbol of the possibilities of a creative life. He was a role model for creative success, like other older men in my life at the time. But unlike them, he'd been a part of my life since I was nine years old. A surrogate father in fantasy before he partly became one in reality.

Now he's gone. Part of me goes with him, but the greater part of me, the life I've led and built under his influence, remains.

Like so much of the pop culture world we live in, I'm partly Stan's creation.

'Nuff said.

[jewlwpet]

@palaceperspective had the idea that someone could make a post about just the snippets we see in the series of Touga’s and Nanami’s childhood. I think that’s a really neat idea. I was going to make this part of the general post on Touga I’m making, but I think that’s long enough as it is; I’ll just include a link to this post in that one.

I tried, at first, to leave creator commentary out until the very end, because I know some people prefer to reject certain parts of it regarding the Kiryuus’ past; however, I couldn’t do this because.it simply makes too much of a difference regarding the flashbacks in episode 10. Still, there’s a lot in the scenes that stands regardless of that, which I talk about plenty.

The specific piece of commentary I’m thinking of is this bit from Yoji Enokido, scriptwriter and planner for the series and movie. Aspects of the movie are discussed in there, so do expect discussion of childhood sexual abuse.

Touga’s birthday cake has 12 candles, so it’s likely, though not certain, that this was his twelfth birthday. It’s very obvious that this household is very rich and decadent: No surprise. I don’t know what kind of flowers those are; I wonder if they have any special meaning. It probably doesn’t represent his birthday: His birthday is June 6. The birth flowers for that month are the rose and honeysuckle; this I find in English-language and Japanese sites alike. Japanese Wikipedia also lists birth flowers for each individual day of the year (pretty cool); June 4 corresponds to the evening primrose (Oenethera), the ice plant (Lampranthus), and pink baby’s breath (Gypsophila). This doesn’t look like any of those.

Touga is sitting on what looks like a throne, but he seems to be on display for the guests (all adults) more than anything else. They’re peering at him like a museum display or an animal in a cage. One of them holds a bouquet of white roses, which generally represent innocence and purity... also, according to one site I’m looking at, “new beginnings.”

Nanami arrives at Touga’s party late and covered in dirt.

No comment that she’s late, only that she’s dirty. No one cares that she was missing... which, in hindsight, makes a lot of sense, because a child with much adult supervision surely won’t find an opportunity to drown a kitten.

I really don’t know how I haven’t thought about this before, but Nanami just says she “brought” this kitten. I have very little doubt at this point she spent a good portion of the day running around the no doubt extensive estate grounds trying to capture a kitten.

I’m not sure what to think about Nanami calling this woman Mama. I figured these were all strangers or servants, since they were saying “Touga-sama” and “Nanami-sama.” Touga still has short hair, so they’re still living with their original parents. I wouldn’t expect Nanami to have any memories or photos from that time, but it seems she does, just not going back far. But all of the adults here are faceless, none singled out. I’m not sure if the original parents are here, or if she just... assumes that the servants who have interacted the most must be her mother and father, and they never corrected her. Either way, she ended up forgetting them.

I want to note that not only are all the adults in Nanami’s memory are faceless silhouettes, they only interact with her to scold her and take away things that are precious to her and that she worked hard for. I think that’s probably how it was for her, growing up.

I think he’s in earnest here. It makes sense that he’d be pleased by Nanami’s gift, seeing as she’s the only one who was actually trying to make him happy... it showed that someone, at least, cared. Given how extremely weird and creepy this party is, it seems like... maybe it was an auction. Except, it must not have resulted in anything, if it was his birth parents who originally forced him to grow his hair long... maybe Nanami arriving late, covered in dirt, and carrying a stray kitten in a box had something to do with that. In which case... No wonder Touga’s happy about it.

"His smile was something for me alone.” You know what, I can believe that.

Similarly, his annoyance with Nanami, when he yells at her to leave him alone, also seems genuine.

It makes sense that, even before Touga begins deliberately manipulating Nanami, she would develop an unhealthy obsession with obtaining his affection, because based on what we see in this, she probably has no other source of affection in her life.

It also makes sense to me that this might grow really frustrating for someone who is constantly being made into a spectacle and showered in invasive attention (and according to what Enokido said, that’s just the beginning).

Ikuhara’s commentary for this episode really hits home when the scene is given a close examination:

When I was a child, the center of the party always seemed to sparkle.

I was always standing on the sidelines, gazing at that sparkle from afar. I thought the sidelines were my place. Surely I could never approach the center of the room.

But then, I was chosen! I touched that sparkle in the center of the room, and no mistake. Still, I know full well that it’s something that won’t last forever.

The day the contract ends, I’ll turn into an “unchosen girl.”

So I’ll go back to the sidelines again, eh?

--Smash the egg’s shell.

For the revolution of the world.

“The center of the party” was/is both figuratively and literally where all the worst things are happening, and Nanami, without knowing it, is striving to get there, next to Touga, before anyone else can take that place by his side, and that’s what her whole story is about.

I’m just going to say, on that note... it’s super messed up to read "in order to protect his younger sister, Touga accepted his lot” and then think about the fact that he ended up using her as a pawn anyway, was already at that point by the beginning of the series, and ended up actually sexually assaulting her in episode 32. Just. Nice going. Ugh.

The other major flashback we have is from episode 9. It seems to be slightly later.

"See, it’s pouring down! That’s why I told you we should have quit after the tenth match!” “I couldn’t help it. You’re the only one I know who’ll let me practice on them.”

And here we see the beginning of Touga’s habit of making excuses for everything he does... no. I don’t think this means anything; it seems innocent enough. This Touga has grown his hair out, and he has a friend, Saionji. They appear to be very close.

His reaction to hearing the funeral bells is interesting, though. He looks very interested and not at all disturbed.

Touga says nothing when some adults come by to ask about a missing girl whose parents have just died. When Saionji keeps talking afterward, Touga doesn’t respond but is looking into the distance very intently.

When Saionji brings him back to reality, he starts walking towards the church they had passed earlier. He explains to Saionji that he thought he saw three coffins there before. Generally I think the assumption then would be “someone else died too,” but Touga is led here by the story of the missing girl. He strides over to the coffins very quickly and immediately starts opening one, despite Saionji’s protests. Sure enough, a voice is heard telling him not to open it, but he doesn’t anyway. The next part is interesting: he tells her that people are looking for her, and she asks if he’s going to tell them where she is.

I don’t think I’ve seen any analysis of this scene other than “Even as a kid Touga thought nothing of fondling this complete stranger’s hair.” Which is an interesting point and brings up the question of where he learned this from. But I think it’s equally interesting that he was just going to leave her to die and that this, to him, is “being an ally to girls.” Being “feminist,” even though I’ve read that in 1990′s Japan it was common for that term to be misused.

...It occurs to me that this is actually very different from how he treats girls later: well-intentioned and absolutely wrong, but in pretty much the opposite way from how he treated Utena later at the end when again he claimed to be looking out for her. That Touga tried to take control of her in order to “save” her. This Touga basically goes, “Well, if this seven-year-old wants to die, we should let her, because that’s her choice.”

The camera pans back to him when she says that living on just makes her sick.

The next pan to Touga happens when she says, “I’ll never come out into the sunlight again.”

Saionji thought that Touga must have shown her something eternal so that she was motivated to keep living on. In reality, Touga didn’t have anything to offer her. I have a feeling he suspected he was right. But clearly, he wasn’t that far gone yet; he wasn’t at the point of stopping everything, of no longer going through the motions of life. But it seems like he could get there. So why didn’t he? What changed? It turns out Ikuhara wrote about this in his commentary on this episode:

When he was young, he met a girl. She said things like “Everyone is alone” and “There’s no such thing as eternity.” A deep despair: He couldn’t save the girl. But the next day, there she was in the sunlight, with “something different in her eyes.”

Something had saved her.

He wanted to know the true nature of the “miraculous power” that had done it.

When he met her again, he tried to “rule” her heart. His thinking was that only “the joy of being ruled” could save people. He believed that was wherer the “power of miracles” dwelled.”

I think that says a lot about Touga. It probably took some time to get there, though.

The new manga is, of course a different continuity, but I want to take a moment o cover it because it explores how the scene might have gone if Touga and Saionji had found Utena just a bit later. The subtext of Touga feeling that the girl in the coffin is perhaps right is made explicit in this.

Utena: Living on makes me sick. Touga: You’re right. Life is so unreliable.

He says that outright. And I think that anime Touga was likely thinking it. So when this Utena says she’s decided to live on, Touga is surprised.

He hangs onto every word she says and seems especially moved by the phrase “revolutionize the world.”

Back to the anime. The anime doesn’t have any more scenes from the Kiryuus’ past, but of course we get some insight in episode 37. I’ll start at the beginning: Nanami says that the two of them used to share everything. There are some pictures we see to represent that:

“But now Big Brother doesn’t care about me at all.”

I’m going to use the empty movement gallery for the next couple of screenshots because these photos went by v. fast:

As you can see, these are all Short-Haired Touga... also, none of these seem to be much older than that flashback of Nanami’s.

We catch some more glimpses when Nanami notices the lack of photos from Touga’s early childhood and is desperately rifling through all her pictures with him.

I would comment on the fact that we never see him in the regular (non Stu-Co) Ohtori uniform in these, but then, Nanami isn’t wearing the normal uniform in any of these either, and we know she used to be a normal student... so I think it’s just because we don’t get to see all of the photos.

[felicia-cat-hardy]

Success Story: She Got Him Back Without Completing No Contact

Today I talk to Jenny who got her ex back without fully completing a no contact rule. I found her situation completely fascinating because she’s a bit of a unicorn.

The no contact rule without a doubt is one of the premier strategies in the industry so when someone succeeds without out I’m always interested in their approach.

Technically Jenny did do a no contact rule but not the original timeframe she had set out to complete.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

How Jenny Got Her Ex Back Without No Contact

Chris Seiter: All right. Today we have brought on Jenny, one of our success stories from our private Facebook group. Before we started recording, I was telling her that she’s a bit of a unicorn because she didn’t follow the exact strategy with no contact, and she’s one of those rare people that got her ex back. We’re going to basically sit down with her for 35 to 45 minutes, and just interview her, and figure out what she did to successfully get her ex back. By her own admission, it seems like she still can’t believe she got him back, which is kind of awesome. How are you doing, Jenny?

Jenny: I’m doing great. I’m glad it’s Friday. The sun is shining today. Having a really good day.

Chris Seiter: We were talking a little bit. You said the weekend looks like it’s going to be a bit rainy in your side of the states. Hopefully, sometimes the weather might get it wrong.

Jenny: We need a little bit of rain for some flowers, so I’m okay with it.

Chris Seiter: That’s true. My grass is dying outside because of a lack of rain. I’m hoping it rains. Anyways, why don’t you take me back to the beginning? Give me a little bit of a briefing on your past relationship with your ex because you had mentioned before we started recording that it was a little bit rocky a couple of times before.

Jenny: Yes. It has not been a perfect relationship. We’ve been together almost three years now. Last summer, we actually made the decision for him to move in with me. During that time that he lived with me, that’s when the pandemic happened. Not only were we first living together for the first time, but then we were kind of forced to stay together for a long time. During that time, there was kids involved, his kids, my kids. We just got really rocky, really fast.

Jenny: He actually ended up moving out and getting his own place, but we ultimately decided to stay together still, which it was like taking a step backwards to take a step forward. Then I think it was about a month or so ago. We were just having a conversation. At one point, during the conversation, he was just like, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jenny: I was completely blindsided. I didn’t understand. What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? We were just fine a couple days ago. In fact, we had gone to the park with our kids. When it comes to our kids, it’s a really serious, serious situation. I was kind of confused, and blindsided, and really hurt, and didn’t understand. Immediately, in that moment, I was doing the grasping for straws, just begging, “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. What are you doing? You’re my person.”

Jenny: Then after that, it was just silence. I didn’t hear from him at all, which is completely unlike us. We talk every day. Then the hurt just kept coming. I’m even more confused, and more hurt, and just didn’t understand. Now we don’t live together, so it’s not like I can just reach out to him. I had all those thoughts of, do I go to his house? Do I go to where he works? That whole stalker mentality starts sinking into your brain.

Jenny: I was like, “What am I going to do? This is my person. This is my future.” In the past, I was kind of that person, the chaser, going after them, and begging, and just doing that whole thing that we always do. I think it was day three. I found your program online. I immediately was like, well, I don’t know if I really want to go through with this. I don’t know if this is for me. I was reading some of the videos. I literally read every single article. I think there’s 600 or something like that.

Chris Seiter: 600 articles, yes.

Jenny: I read all of them.

Chris Seiter: I’m actually in the process of redoing some of them since they’re a little outdated. Before we actually started reviewing or interviewing, that’s literally what I was doing. Someone who reads 600 articles… I can barely read them myself, and I’m going through them. I tip my cap to you. That’s impressive.

Jenny: I was just in that desperation phase. What am I going to do? How do I do this? What is he thinking?

Chris Seiter: Did you bookmark the website or something?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: That’s crazy.

Jenny: I have two tabs at work. I was working on one and then reading on another.

Chris Seiter: The ultimate multi-tasker.

Jenny: I had to do something with my time.

Chris Seiter: Well, I guess that’s kind of a productive outlet. You’re learning.

Jenny: Yes. I was desperate. I didn’t know.

Chris Seiter: Did you do the same thing with the videos?

Jenny: I actually didn’t watch them as I was reading just because I was at work, and I can’t do video and work at the same time.

Chris Seiter: Oh yes. That kind of gives away the whole secretive…

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: You’re supposed to be working.

Jenny: Right. I actually didn’t start watching the videos until I got the program. I would read, and watch the video, and then read the PDF. That’s just kind of what I was doing with my time. I didn’t realize time was passing as I was reading. Then all of a sudden, it was a week later. Then I was in the Facebook group. People kept posting stuff. I was like, yes. I’m like, “Oh, I’m with that. I’m right there with you. I know exactly how you feel.”

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: I really think that the Facebook group was something that really helped me, too, because seeing people go through the exact same thing I was going through, struggling with the exact same feelings I was struggling with, just kind of having that support system of, okay, I’m not crazy. Other people are doing this too.

Chris Seiter: This is normal.

Jenny: Yes, this is normal. Then just being able to also see what other people are saying or doing that is working or not working… I was like, okay, well, I’m not going to do that.

Chris Seiter: Yes. We get a lot of that. Right, right, right.

Jenny: That was really my goal. Then I got to the point of the ungettable girl topic. The way that I saw that was, no one would want to be with someone that’s begging, and sad, and crying. I need to make sure that I’m emitting this kind of secure relationship vibe out to the world. Whether he sees that or someone else sees that, I wanted that to be me. They say success is not linear, or grieving is not linear, or whatever is not linear. That’s exactly how it felt. Some days, I was bad-ass, and I could do this. It’d be fine. Then the next day, I was in my bed with the ice cream.

Chris Seiter: I think that’s so normal too.

Jenny: It is.

Chris Seiter: It’s so overlooked for a lot of people. Everyone always thinks it’s just, one day after the next, it’s going to be perfect. You’re going to be building up that ungettable mentality, but no. It’s like two days in a row and then one day, something happens. You’re just down in the dumps. Then you kind of have to get back up on the horse. It just kind of is this… I mean, yes.

Jenny: For me, it was little triggers. I would find something. I have this note that he wrote me on my desk that I look at all the time.

Chris Seiter: Oh no. Right. You look at it, right?

Jenny: I was like, right? I was like, why would he write this if he didn’t mean it?

Chris Seiter: I mean, what’s interesting about the whole thing from what I’m hearing about your situation so far was how out of the blue it seemed. I kind of imagine, from his perspective, it must have been percolating for a while. If I’m him, I think maybe he’s having trouble… He has the idea, almost like… I watched Inception the other day. It’s top of mind right now. The whole movie is about planting an idea in this guy’s head, and it kind of grows.

Jenny: Kind of grow it.

Chris Seiter: Consumes him, right. I’m thinking your ex, when that breakup happened, because it was so out of the blue, and it was just almost in the middle of a conversation, which is kind of wild, it must’ve been really percolating inside and growing until it finally bubbled up. He just couldn’t let it out anymore, or couldn’t contain it anymore, and had to let it out. I’m kind of curious. Once we get through your situation, if you actually asked him what his experience was with that because I think that could help a lot of people who are in a similar situation, whose exes just sort of cold-cocked them out of the blue.

Jenny: Out of nowhere, yes. We didn’t talk. I tried to do the social media rules where I was supposed to say things about myself. I bought myself tickets to this art show that I’d been wanting to go to for a long time.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s pretty rad.

Jenny: I went with my friends, which I’m not a big go-to-a-club-or-a-bar kind of person, but I went out with my friends.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: Then I went to a outside concert with my parents. I was just in the sun. It was a blues show, and it was just so relaxing. In those moments, I was okay. I was fine. I was having a good time. I felt happy or in my zone. I looked that way from the outside.

Jenny: Later on, he did admit, “I was stalking you. I watched all your stuff.” During that time, I started posting… I’m a big TikTok user. I actually started doing a daily TikTok every day of something positive, a positive quote or a positive uplifting message. I actually started doing it for myself so that I could inspire myself or inspire others. When you do that, you can post it on all your social media.

Jenny: He was seeing those videos and was… Later on, he had mentioned, “I didn’t know if me leaving was a good thing for you because you just seem so happy.” I was like, “No. Sometimes but not all the time.” My idea was just, I need to be positive. I need to have this positive energy. That’s what I want back. That’s how I want that positive energy back.

Jenny: It was hard. It was definitely hard. What initially ended up happening was I was reading all this stuff on the Facebook group. Everyone’s like, no contact, no contact. He had sent me a message, “Hey.” Because right after the breakup, I was like, “Let’s talk. Let’s meet for some coffee or something.”

Chris Seiter: Right. He was not having it.

Jenny: He was like, “No, I don’t want to talk to you.”

Chris Seiter: How much time had passed before this all occurs?

Jenny: Probably a couple weeks, at least three weeks. I mean, I was getting there.

Chris Seiter: Three weeks. Oh, it’s 21 days. That’s almost kind of a smaller little no-contact.

Jenny: The short one.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: He sends me this text message. He’s like, “I want to meet up with you, or are you open to meet up?” At first, I wasn’t going to reply at all because you’re not supposed to reply at all, but I was just kind of like, “Well, I’m actually busy next week. I can’t really meet with you,” which to him… He immediately responded, “Oh, well, I just want you to know that I’m available whenever you need to meet or whenever is good for you.” He wanted me to know he was available.

Chris Seiter: You literally told him that you were busy, but you can meet him next week.

Jenny: Yes. I was like, “Maybe next week.”

Chris Seiter: That’s pretty clever tactic.

Jenny: I did not have plans.

Chris Seiter: Of course. Right. It’s all a game, but hey, he broke up with you.

Jenny: That’s right.

Chris Seiter: Hey, you can play a little games back.

Jenny: You can wait.

Chris Seiter: What happened?

Jenny: That was really, really hard because I did want to talk to him. I did want to see him. I did want to say all the things I’ve been wanting to say. It was really hard to kind of play that game. I’ve been journaling every day and writing all the things down that I want to say. Ultimately, in the end, I didn’t end up saying any of those things that I had written down.

Chris Seiter: It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: You write it all down. You’re like, okay, this is the perfect thing to say, but when you’re in the moment, it’s kind of like, what was that again?

Jenny: Yes. It was very interesting. It was probably a couple days after. It was the weekend after he had sent that text saying he wanted to meet up. I was just sitting there in my bed journaling. I had this really, really strong feeling that I wanted to say something. You have those throughout the whole time. You want to text. You want to call. You want to see him or whatever. This time, it just felt really different. I didn’t really want him to say, I love you or let’s meet up. I just wanted to reach out somehow.

Jenny: I just sent a text. It was 9:00 at night. I said just in a text. I was just like, “I just want you to know I’m thinking about you.” That was it. No, let’s talk. No, let’s have a conversation. Just, I just want you to know you’re on my mind, kind of thing. I’m finishing journaling. I’m sitting there in my bed journaling, and my phone goes off, which I know he’s replied to me. I’m like, I’m not going to answer that right now. I’m just going to finish journaling. I’m doing everything, getting ready for bed.

Jenny: I finally look at my phone. He was asking me about my weekend, or how I was doing, and that I look so happy. I was just like, “Well, I’m just sitting here journaling. I’m not doing anything serious.” Then either he said or I said, “Do you want to text right now?” In my head, I’m thinking, “I kind of want to go to bed.” I was like, “Okay. I’ll text-

Chris Seiter: He was not your first priority.

Jenny: No.

Chris Seiter: Sleep was your first priority, which is kind of the beauty.

Jenny: Right. I was like, “Well, I’ll text for a little bit, but I’m going to be going to bed soon.” It was small talk, that little value chain of just small talk. “Oh, what’d you do this weekend?” that kind of thing. “Oh, I went to a show with my parents,” or whatever. Then out of the blue, he was like, “Can I tell you what I’m thinking right now?” I’m like, “Okay, sure.” He’s like, “I really just want to come over to your house and tell you what I need to tell you because there’s some things I want to say to you and then I can just leave.”

Jenny: I was like, it’s 10 o’clock at night. I don’t know if that’s really a good idea. I talked to my son. I was like, “Hey, he wants to come over. How do you feel about this?” Ultimately, I said, “Okay. Well, you can come over, but we’re going to stand outside on my front porch.”

Chris Seiter: Sit outside.

Jenny: You can’t come in. He did. He came over. It was 10:00 at night. He came over. It’s a 35-minute drive from his place. He stood outside. He said all the things. He said, “I want to be with you. I miss you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I told my kids that I want to move in with you at the end of my lease. I still want to marry you in two years,” all these things.

Jenny: Again, all the things that I’d written down just flew out of my brain. I’m like, “Oh, okay,” completely shocked that this is what he’s telling me because at the time, I’m expecting him to just say, “Look, this is my life. I don’t really think this is where it’s going or whatever.” I really stood my ground. I was like, “Well, that sounds good. I want that too. Let’s just kind of see where this goes.” Then he left. There was no him coming inside. There was no sleepover, none of that.

Chris Seiter: It ended abruptly, and then it began again extremely abruptly.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Then he just left. It’s kind of like a drive-by proposal, and then he’s out of it.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: That’s hilarious.

Jenny: We just sat outside, and he told me all these things. I was like, “Well, I’ve been missing you too. I really want to be with you. I’ve been waiting for us to talk or whatever.” It’s kind of like, we not necessarily picked up where we left off, but even in a better spot now because we have all these plans that we’re doing. He’s been sending me houses that he’s wanting to possibly go look at this summer.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s exciting.

Jenny: We had dinner.

Chris Seiter: Also, a little bit scary. Are you nervous about that?

Jenny: We had talked about it before the breakup. It wasn’t completely shocking, but it was kind of… He had gone from the iffy, “Well, maybe,” to, “Okay, let’s look at this house.”

Chris Seiter: Well, what’s interesting about the situation to me is mostly how it ended. Did you ever have an opportunity to sit down with your boyfriend and say, “What was going through your mind when you broke up with me?”

Jenny: I did. What he claimed was going through his mind is there was something that he had been kind of struggling on a personal level that he hadn’t… I guess he just was kind of scared to tell me. Instead of wanting to tell me, he just kind of was like, “Well, I’m just going to keep you from it. I’m just going to leave you.”

Chris Seiter: It’s classical avoidant approach to the-

Jenny: Oh my gosh, yes.

Chris Seiter: Is that in line with his personality? Is he kind of more of like an avoidant type tendencies?

Jenny: Yes, he is. When we would get in a fight, he was the one that needed space and didn’t want to talk. I’d have to sit around, and wait, and wait for him to get ready to talk. It is in line with his personality in that if he’s dealing with something, I’ll find out later on down the road. I’m not going to find out if he’s got-

Chris Seiter: He’s like, “I’m going to deal with it myself. I don’t need help from anyone.”

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Which is really classic avoidant attachment. They’re very independent, so they feel like they can deal with the problems themselves. They don’t want to include anyone else to help them. Of course, you seem like the kind that would love to help solve problems. In some ways, that’s an avoidant’s worst nightmare because they’re like, “No, I can do it myself.” They push you away.

Chris Seiter: I don’t think this is a case of, the grass is greener, where he thinks, “Oh, I could find someone better.” I think this is a case of, you’re getting a little too close. I’m getting scared, so I’m going to push you away. Then now that he’s away, he starts to have nostalgic reverie based on your past relationship. He’s like, “Oh crap. What have I done?” He regrets the decision. He comes back. Do you think that’s in line with what happened, or is there an element that I’m missing here?

Jenny: No. I mean, it sounds pretty right on. He was very like, “I want to deal with this myself.” Then after having some time away, he’s like, “I really need you. I really need you in my life.” Not to his own fault, but I’m the kind of person that I kind of have to put up a boundary. I’m not going to do this for you. You have to figure this out on your own because I want to help so hard. That’s something that I have to work on myself, is I want to help you, but I can’t do it for you.

Chris Seiter: I don’t know about you, but I was always taught, maybe from viewing my parents, that when couples are having struggles, you help each other, right? For me, when I would start dating and date someone who had avoidant tendencies, it was almost like help… I wanted to get in there and solve the problem. It took me a long time to realize, like what you said, you have to almost stop yourself and be like, no, they have to solve the problem.

Chris Seiter: A lot of times, I’d be dating someone. They’d be crying. I’d be like, “Why are you crying? I’ll fix it. What’s wrong?” It was really hard for me to sit back and be like, I need to let them feel what they’re feeling. Do you feel like there was any of that where you’re like me, where you’re just like, “No, I’m going to help solve the problem,” and then just sort of backing up and being, no, I’m going to let them feel what they’re feeling?

Jenny: I am that person. I’m the, please don’t cry. What can I do to help you?

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: How do we use fix this? I’m that person. He’s kind of the opposite, in that, “Oh, you’re crying. Maybe I should just give you some space.”

Chris Seiter: My wife is the same way. I don’t really cry that much, but when something’s bothering me… A classic example is when someone gets sick or when my wife gets sick, if I try to help her, she’s like, “No, stop.” If I get sick, I’m like, “No. No, come help. Dote on me.”

Jenny: Do all the things.

Chris Seiter: Right, yes.

Jenny: That’s pretty much the same for us too. I think in the opposite way, he wants to do it himself. He’s fine by himself, doesn’t need help. Then ultimately, when you get there, you’re like, okay, maybe I do need your help. Maybe I do want you here. We got to the point where he admitted that he was struggling. I said, “Well, I can’t fix this for you, or I’m not going to fix this for you, but I’m still here. I’m still here for you. You don’t have to do this by yourself, even if it’s just me just sitting next to you so you’re not sitting by yourself.”

Jenny: Ultimately, I think that’s where we got to. It was, again, like you said, very unexpected in that it happened and very unexpected in the way that we got back together too. I had gotten to that point where I was like, is this ever going to happen? Is he ever going to reach out? I definitely had those moments where I didn’t know for sure what was going to happen.

Chris Seiter: Were you ever at a point emotionally, because I hear this a lot from success stories where they get to this point where they’re just… They’ve been through enough period of no contact without hearing from their ex. Things maybe are not going the way they were expecting. They’re sitting there and thinking to themselves, “You know what? I just don’t care about getting them back anymore.” They kind of confront that reality, and they’re okay with it. Was there ever a point that you got to where you felt that way?

Jenny: I would probably say no, just because in the..

Get Relationship Advice Here

[sfw-haikyuu-nsfw]

Hi hi~ your blog is so cool! I really enjoy it, you describe the Haikyuu boys pretty well, I can imagine them acting exactly like you say in mostly scenarios Can I ask you for some headcannon of Nishinoya, Aone, Kenma and Shirabu taking care about their s/o, which has a really weak health? like she ended in hospital last time that she had a cold Thank you

I got you, babe! Just the thought of these boys being super sweet and taking care of their significant others in any way is one of my favorite things!

Hope that you enjoy!

P.s. This might be one of those nights where I don’t sleep because I thought it would be a good idea to wait to do everything… Gonna be a long night, dudes.

P.s.s. Sorry if things are a little wordy or confusing? I won’t lie that I’ve had a couple glasses of wine, lol. Be smart with alcohol, guys! NEVER drink and drive! Always call someone or stay where you are! I have family members whose lives have been changed forever because of drunk driving and that’s the last thing that I want for any of you!

Nishinoya Yuu

I mean, he would be so insanely concerned about their health at all times. Like, he’d probably be texting them and needing updates throughout the day from them while they’re admitted into the hospital. He surely gets in trouble both in class and at practice from being on his phone, but he doesn’t care, there are more important things to worry about.

But seriously, they would never know that anything is different - even though everyone else sees it in his demeanor - for when he walks through the door of that hospital room, he’s all smiles and his usual enthusiastic self.

He has two goals when he does this: 1) is to make them smile or laugh - both is best - and he definitely won’t leave until he gets that and 2) so that they can be peace at mind knowing that whatever they’re going through isn’t effecting his life - even though that might not be the case, but they don’t need to know that.

When they first were admitted into the hospital, Noya definitely rushed right over there without hesitation and did everything he could to make sure that he was able to stay in the night with them. He slept in the corner in one of those terrible chairs before they finally wheeled in a cot for him.

Aone Takanobu

Good luck trying to get this sweet giant away from their side the moment he finally gets into that room. He’d make himself comfortable - standing or sitting or wherever they let him be - with his hand wrapped around theirs throughout the day and night.

His mission literally becomes whatever they need. Doesn’t matter whats going on with his club or school , there are some things - or people - that are more important than those things. And he’s not about to put anything above them when they’re where they are.

The only time he leaves their side - much less lets go of their hand - is when they request any kind of food. I can see him even ignoring his own basic needs so they start requesting things for him to get just so that he can eat it himself.

Oh, just picture this adorable boy asleep next to them! He’s all slouched in his chair with his head hanging over the back - he probably woke up with a nasty kink - and just the tips of his fingers touching their arm so that there’s some contact!

Kozume Kenma

Oh, this kid would just peep his way in, probably asking if they want him to hang around. This is their healing process, after all, the last thing he’d want for them is to force them into any kind of environment that makes takes away from that in any way (holy shit that was a long sentence.)

Then once he gets the go ahead that everything is okay, he definitely crawls up into that bed with them and makes sure that they’re comfortable with him there. He wants to be there to comfort them in any way, they name it and he’s doing it.

But once he’s up in that bed with them, he definitely hands over his PSP and lets them play whatever game they want. It’s definitely one of those moment where he doesn’t care anything they do with his console or even games that he’s started.

I mean, really, this kid knows wants important and he’s not about to care about any of his games right now. And they totally fall asleep just like that, with Kenma squished into the corner of that little twin sized bed and them with his console left on in their lap.

Shirabu Kenjirou

He definitely walks through that door with a bouquet of flowers and a small smile. His heart stopped the moment he got the call that they were being taken to the hospital - actually I bet it was a text from their parents/guardian while he was in class or something.

It didn’t even matter what kind of trouble he was to get in, he left that room and called to ask the details of what was going wrong. And it took a lot of convincing from whoever he was on the phone with to keep him from leaving class at that very moment.

So when he finally got there - he passed a flower shop on the way there - he was definitely sheepish. The last thing he wanted was for them to think that he didn’t want to be there the moment they were admitted. And he does everything to make sure that they know that.

He doesn’t go to school the next day, He’s already done through the experience of being away from them in the same setting and it’s nothing that he wants to go through again. All that he wants is to be there for them until they’re okay enough to be taken home.

[onceuponaprincessworld]

CaptainSwan MC FF Recs

Hello everyone, there are so many great fics in this fandom by very talanted authors,  so here is a new list of some COMPLETE Multichapter Fics that are totally worth reading. Hope you enjoy!   😉  📖

If you are looking for more recs you can find my others lists here.

P.s I try to tag authors by their tumblr name, if you know any that I haven’t tagged please let me know. 

a one time thing (and other untruths), @weezlywrites

"She supposes the reason she tells him is the same reason she kept his phone number after all those weeks." Pregnancy has a way of throwing a wrench in one's plans.

More Than A Memory, @ive-always-been-a-pirate

He didn't remember much. He didn't remember her. The accident changed their lives and sent Emma into a tailspin, desperate for Killian to come back to her. But when he finally wakes up from his coma, the past six years are gone. He has no recollection of their love, but Emma refuses to give up on them. She's got her work cut out for her, but some memories are worth fighting for.

Out of the Frying Pan,  @welllpthisishappening​

Emma Swan is only doing this for one reason, well, make that two. To get her show’s numbers back up and, maybe, impress her son. She doesn’t like admitting to that second one though.

Killian Jones is doing this for absolutely, positively, just one reason. To expand his restaurant. And maybe get Regina off his back. So that’s kind of two reasons.

Neither one of them is doing a year-long Food Network all-star competition because they’re celebrity chefs and there’s not really any other choice. Of course not. And neither one of them is enjoying it because they maybe, kind of, sort of enjoy each other. That would be insane.

The Usual Story!, @icapturedkindness

What happens when the hot guy Emma yelled at in Starbucks for spilling her coffee, is her devilishly handsome and rich playboy new boss Killian Jones?

A Ghost in Me, @madjm

AU. Killian Jones is a master thief, known only as Hook. His life is complicated when he's asked to steal a necklace from security expert Emma Swan, and it opens up their shared past. 

Search and Rescue,  onceuponajollyroger

When Killian Jones, a rescue swimmer for the US Coast Guard, pulled Emma Swan from the unforgiving sea he had no idea she would end up rescuing him right back. [Captain Swan Modern AU]

Flight, @captainoftherollyjoger

Emma has been asked to move to England for six months for work. With a six month old baby boy, it isn't exactly ideal. On the flight she meets a kind stranger who turns her entire world upside down.

Caribbean Shores, @whimsicallyenchantedrose

AU. After a nasty breakup with her long-time boyfriend, Emma Swan takes a job as the security guard at Once Upon a Time Academy. She reluctantly agrees to attend the school’s annual fundraising gala, Caribbean Shores. Prepared for a boring night, Emma has no idea what’s in store for her when Killian Jones, the sexy new owner of the Jolly Roger Marina, is seated next to her.

Separate Lives, @lenfaz

Set after 3x20 "Kansas". After saving the town one more time, Emma decided to return to New York, leaving her past behind. Three years later, she realizes that might be not have been the best decision.

not a romcom movie, @captainnagata

Modern Lieutenant Duckling. "I'm not interested in being made the butt monkey of the school, or being some social experiment where you're trying to have me elected prom king or what have you, until we realise we've been falling in love all along and have our first kiss on an Adele song. Not interested. Savvy?" "I – I'm not planning to fall in love with you." "Good. Neither am I."

Make You Feel My Love, @xerxesrises

Emma Swan is trying to make her way in the world with her young son, Henry, and failing miserably. Enter Killian Jones, a damaged soul himself, and his young son, Liam. Can these two broken people build a life and a family together? Modern AU.

Lethologica, @lifeinahole27

Maybe if they could find the right word to describe their friendship, everything else would fall into place.

Icing on the Cake, @startswithhope

"is that REALLY what you want us to write on your custom-order cake?"

Modern AU / Killian and Emma meet over the phone and enter into an unlikely partnership.

Knock, Knock, @charmingturkeysandwich

Emma Swan has made the best of her crappy apartment ever since she became best friends with her neighbor, Ruby. But when Ruby moves out and a loud Brit takes her place, the thin walls and lack of space are suddenly not so endearing. After a particularly stressful day, Emma decides to confront the nightmare next door, and entirely against her better judgment, she might just be making a friend.

The Pirate Next Door,  @the-captains-ayebrows

Captain Swan Modern AU: A handsome stranger moves into the apartment right next to Emma Swan’s. Emma isn’t ready for romance, but what harm could come of making friends with the charming self-proclaimed “pirate” whose bedroom shares a wall with hers?

This Time Around, @shippingtheswann

Emma is working as a fourth year resident at a hospital when a ghost from her past shows up and throws everything for a loop! Can Emma work through her past feelings and fears and allow Killian back into her life? CS AU

Theoretically, @this-too-too-sullied-flesh

Emma's friend Killian has a reputation for sleeping around (and so does she). When he gives her a surprising gift on her thirtieth birthday, something about it unleashes the question she's been wondering for years: is he really as good as they say?

The Kilted Stripper,  @hooklineandswan

AU. If someone would have told her a month ago that she would fall in love with a stripper she would have called them insane because that would never happen to Emma Swan. At least not until she met Killian Jones.

Recipe For Disaster,  Librarybelle

Michelin Star Chef Killian Jones is surprised when he see Social worker Emma Swan eating alone in his restaurant. After a short meal together he is hooked, only problem is she's dating his sous chef! CS Modern AU!

The Trouble with Faking It, @nowforruin

Killian Jones is one drunken mistake from never setting foot on a movie set again. Enter Emma Swan, the woman his manager has paid to pretend to date him and clean up his image. It seems straightforward enough…but there’s always trouble with faking it.

Perched a Few Feet Above the Water, @irishswan

Killian is a single father. He and his 2 year old child are lounging by a public pool when his child accidentally falls in the water. Emma is the lifeguard that saves the kid’s life.

Open Your Eyes,  Montana-Rosalie

Killian leads a lonely life growing flowers. Emma hadn't seen color in a long time.

Sharing Space, @singingisfun

After two years, Emma comes for visit and Killian offers to let her use his room while she’s there.

Poem Without Words, @totheendoftheworldortime

Looking to make some extra money, college senior Emma Swan takes a post as a model for Professor Killian Jones' art class. Sparks fly on both sides. Will they give into temptation?

As Real As You Want It To Be, @ive-always-been-a-pirate

Teaching at the same school as Killian Jones was both infuriating and distracting, but when he throws Emma under the bus for the last time, she devises a plan to get back at him. After all, nobody likes to go to a wedding alone. Time for some CS AU fake dating :) Rated M for possible smut & sassy language.

Warm Nights & Firelight, @oubliette14

When in the wake of a messy breakup Emma makes the impulsive decision to return home to her parent's ranch in the Rockies, she certainly doesn't expect to find a strange Irish guy living in what was once her apartment over the garage, and she definitely doesn't imagine that the home she couldn't wait to be rid of five long years ago would be the very place her heart begins to heal.

[pepper-mint]

Reference Sheets! (Part Two)

LONG TEXT AHEAD!!

Again, thanks for participing! Now let’s go with the RottenBerry child!

Name: Cassis (suggested by @nekophy sempai!) with Cass (suggested by @imagine-candied-eyes) as his nickname!

Age: 12-14 (In human age)

Pronouns: He/Him 

Basic Info:

This guy is not a child, but rather a combo/fusion between Death and Blueberry. He has the basic appearance of them both and soe mashed up details I wanted to give him like his eyes! Since Reaper is often shown with just his right pinprick, I decided to gave Cassis the opposite of that (thanks to those who voted for this option!). His left pinprick is the one that glows while the other is just white.

Outfit:

Combining Reaper and Blue’s clothes was kinda hard because they have pretty simple designs but I managed to make something in the end. His cloak and scarf are the most important things for him and he always keeps them clean! 

Due to the fact that his cloak is a little big for him, he only uses it when he’s outside his house (or when a god -coffcoff”Lady Toriel”coffcoff- goes to visit him and Papyrus).

The crosses and stars on his desing are just cute things I added so his outfit wouldn’t look too simple, I love to make details to the clothes of a character x3U I also used mostly blue for him, adding some gray and black to make the blue more dark

Main Story:

His story is kinda sad. You see, all my children (and I think all the children in general) are from different multiverses where two characters fall in love (or make them by accident) and create a kid.

In Cassis’s multiverse that wasn’t like that.

There, Reaper and Blueberry fell in love after having some time knowing each other. The gods told Reaper he shouldn’t do it since he could end killing Blueberry by accident, but he didn’t care. It was like those stories of forbidden love the humans always made. 

At first, they were fine with having a relationship whithout kisses, but soon Reaper started to feel bad knowing that Blue wouldn’t be able to experience those romanitc things the couples do. Not even a hug or just holding hands. It was like having a relationship with a hollogram or a deadly creature that could only hurt you. And honestly, it was true.

One day Reaper told him how he felt and Blue, again, said he didn’t mind it. In the end, it was him the one who wanted to touch his lover. He was afraid of losing him for not being able to do simple things like that. Blue was one of the few people who didn’t hate him for what he is.

But even after that, he couldn’t ingnore those thoughts, so Blue decided to give him what he wanted... even if it meant he would die.

They met in a garden filled with lots of white flowers (a place Blue loved to visit. Reaper had to be careful to not to kill them) and there, Blue surprised him with holding his hand. Reaper froze and started to panick while Blue was feeling a inmense happiness for finally touch his lover. Feeling his life slipping away, he told Reaper how much he loved him and kissed him before dying in his arms.

Blue died happy, but Reaper was left alone, feeling terrible for doing this to his love and for just being him. He wanted to go back in time, to prevent this from happening, but sadly, he couldn’t do that. Not alone, at least.

He buried Blueberry in his favorite spot of the garden, took soul and went to ask for help to the only one who could be kind enough to hear him: Toriel.

The goat lady was surprised, to say the least. She and Reaper didn’t have the most happy relationship, and honestly, she thought Reaper would get bored and leave the monster after a while. But he proved she wrong when he begged her to help him... but she couldn’t. Blueberry wasn’t from this universe so she couldn’t help him. Unless...

There was a way to bring him back, but it must require one big sacrifice. In order to bring him back to life, it was needed to use a god’s soul. Reaper didn’t hesitate and offered his soul to her, asking her if she could call his brother and Blue’s brother when she was finnished. She accepted and then the process started. She fused both souls and used Reaper’s body as a vessel for the new soul, making them a baby again with now, a new soul. I wasn’t longer Reaper nor Blueberry. It was now a new life, whose name was Cassis.

the process was more compliacted but I can’t explain everything here. Gosh this is getting too long xD

When both Papyruses discovered what happened, they offered to take care of Cassis so they could, at least, have some time with their brothers. Even if they weren’t themselves anymore. From that moment, Cassis was raised in both Underswap and Reapertale. He grew up allready knowing what happened and sometimes acting like both Reaper and Blueberry. 

And one day, he managed to go to another multiverse, just for curiosity, and ended meeting that universe’s Blueberry and Reaper, who were both shocked and sad hearing what happened to him. After that, they “adopted” him and offered him a place for when he went to visit them. Little Cass now had lots of homes and a huge family!

So, Cassis is not Blue and Reaper’s child. He is technically them. But he thinks of they as his parents and they love him like he were their son!

(You’re free to see him as their child or a combo. Don’t worry uvu. I HOPE HIS STORY ISN’T TOO MUCH COMPLICATED :’’’’’D)

Personality:

Cassis is very energetic and friendly. He is always happy and likes to be with people. Although, he can also be very lazy (It’s like he was a kitten. He can go from full energetic mode to lazybone mode in seconds) and dark from time to time. When you see him wanting to be alone, it’s because he’s getting flashbacks from his previous life or feeling melancholic. Cassis loves all of his family and friends, specially his brothers. Even if he is the god... or demi-god of death, he doesn’t like it and is very happy to not being able to kill. 

Powers:

He can’t kill people, but can see an aura around them, whose color dependes if they’re near to die. He’s able to take someone’s soulf if they’re allready dead too. Cassis is also able to put people to sleep or make them sick by touching them if he concentrates enough magic.

Besides that, he can fuse Reaper and Blue’s weapons into one sword, knife or an spear. He mostly uses the spear just because he thinks it’s cool! Other weapons include Gaster Blasters and chains.

Extra facts:

-Loves hot chocolate (since Detah like coffe and Blue sweets)

-He has insomnia.

-He loves ravens

-His favorite colors are blue and black

-He likes to visit Reapertale!Toriel

-A cinnamon roll that can act like a sinnamon roll 

Tags for him:

#Cassis sans

#Cassis combo

#RottenBerry combo

#Cassis fan art (If you wanna draw him!)

Sorry if they’re any spelling mistakes ;v; 

[projectmedusarp]

Welcome Bah! We’re pleased to announce your audition for Dante Oren Miller / Supernatural Strength has been accepted! Please send your account into the main within the next 24 hours. We can’t wait to have you join us!

{{ PLAYER INFORMATION }}

NAME: Bah

AGE: 23

TIMEZONE: GMT - 3

PRONOUNS: They/Them

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I can be on a little every day and most on the weekends!

PREVIOUS ROLEPLAY EXPERIENCE: I’ve been around Tumblr since… 2011 I think? But written roleplay ways before that. I joined countless Tumblr groups and ran a few rps myself!I usually recycle character blogs and I’m not really comfortable giving them as reference? Sorry it just makes me super anxious!

PERSONAL TUMBLR CONTACT: Link Removed

TRIGGERS: None

{{ CHARACTER INFORMATION }}

CHARACTER: Dante Oren Miller  (Nicknames: Ren)

PRONOUNS: He/Him

AGE: 22

FACE CLAIM: Bill Skarsgard

POWER: Superior Strength

QUOTE: “All cruelty springs from weakness.” 

PERSONALITY:

(+) Calm – Collected and demure, the end result of a harsh upbringing, abuse and social isolation, from nature as well, it’s very hard to make Ren snap or to pull on his strings. He always responds coldly to situations, not the type to be shaken by anything or upset, he won’t panic most times and is often considered ‘cold’ by some.

(+) Sensitive – Even if he’s calm and collected at all times, he’s a sensitive soul. Harsh words make him cry (in private), loud noises make him jump and he’s always deeply aware of his surroundings and everything. Small acts and gestures that most people consider nothing can either cheer him up or break his heart.

(+) Intelligent –  Booksmart and social smart, Ren was supposed to be the brains not the brawn (and he won’t have anyone tell him otherwise), he’s a studious, quiet kid who doesn’t like the moniker of genius but he does have a MENSA membership.

(-) Sullen – Long, gloomy silences are Ren’s specialty. When left alone to his own devices, though his powers aren’t weather control, he’s practically able to summon his own dark cloud, looming over his head. Most times, as soft and calm as he is, people tend to avoid Ren because of his usually closed-off semblance that is most unfriendly.

(-) Insecure – By the dark semblance always on his face and pulled up shoulders, no one would ever think Ren is remotely insecure, especially being who he is. But inside his mind is a shitstorm where he’s always second-guessing himself, hesitating and while looking cool, he’s going insane. It’s easy to tear away into his self-esteem by saying the right (or wrong) words.

(-) Passive -  Due to his quiet, reserved nature, Ren is most of a loner so people don’t realize how easy it is to push him around or making him a doormat. He’s incapable of fighting for himself or his wishes, he tries but he lacks the self-confidence and courage that takes to stand up to someone. He’d rather avoid confrontation at all times and please others.

BIOGRAPHY:

Golden boy from a golden family – Dante Oren was the cherry on top of the Miller’s perfect picture. Father, mother, older son, older daughter and the newborn baby, eight years younger than their twins. Father a rich politician, mother a famous attorney, all beautiful, healthy kids, a stable family, house in a nice neighbourhood on Georgia, picket fence and all. Dante was their most beloved, spoiled baby boy, a bright child that started talking before he knew how to walk. Smart, genius even they called him. His father was fifty years old, Dante was a mere five, when he was elected President of the United States of America. Needless to say that growing eight years on the public spotlight didn’t do any wonders for a boy whose nature was already shy. Worse so, for a boy whose public life was perfect but behind closed doors it very much resembled something like hell.

His father was an alcoholic with temper issues, his mother a depressed diplomat that kept her perfect façade using pills (her mind lost ways ahead), his brother ever so slowly crumbling under the crippling pressure of being the firstborn and his sister inhering their father’s own anger issues. In the midst of all that, Dante’s spirit slowly started to wither whatever much had bloomed. He dedicated his days to his studies, locked away in the isolation of his room – it was a good thing, he could live up to his parents’ and the country’s expectations. Dante even skipped a few years ahead though not many since his parents didn’t want him to miss the full ‘child experience’, or so they said. Truth be told, they didn’t wanted to be bothered with it – absent parents were better than overbearing, violent ones, as he learned it soon enough.

He was almost fourteen when his father’s second term came to an end and most of the attention died away, it now meant they had to go back to Georgia and get re-used to their former lives, if that was ever possible. Though his siblings were much happier, Dante wasn’t so sure about it, he had grown up in DC, after all. Though in the expensive school he had been enrolled during the past eight years, going back to Atlanta was odd and he had no friends, no one. Going to a new school gave Dante although a small hope, he was thirteen and on his second year of High School, he’d start new, make friends, be happy. He wouldn’t have to be by his father’s side so often either, it all looked up to a brighter future.

His hopes died as soon as the first bully bumped on him in the hallway and sent him toppling against the lockers. He knew exactly what that meant – for the next years of High School, Dante kept to himself. It wasn’t blatant. Never enough to warrant anything. Bumps and bruises, roughhousing and of course, it wouldn’t do a former president’s son whining at the smallest sign of distress or problem. It just wouldn’t. His father was a severe, demanding man who wouldn’t take it – and you didn’t fight for yourself? He’d demand and Dante never gathered the courage to tell anyone. No. He was “popular”, of course, rich and ‘famous’ to a certain extent, but he had no friends. Only those influential, equally rich and smart kids who had realized they could push him around at their will.

He was sixteen when he managed to get out of High School (well, fifteen, almost sixteen) and landed admittances to some of the best Universities in the country, along with a couple ones abroad, in the end to get as far away as possible from his family, to try and finally get a new life, Ren chose Columbia, in the heart of New York city. A big city, with too many people, he’d be just an invisible john in the crowd, no one would care to look at him, no one would bother with him, invisible, this time he could start over on his own terms. While his true wish was to join Juilliard, and follow a career in ballet or Columbia Visual Arts, he knew he couldn’t even dream of it without causing a rift in the family, so Dante accepted going into a double major of PoliSci and Law.

Five years later and ready to reach for a Masters Degree in the very same Law school, Dante finally decided he was going to move in definitely to New York City. It was the summer of his twenty-first year and he had convinced his sister to come stay with him after she had (another) fallout with their parents. It was a simple, one July hot night, Beatrice bought him some fancy new water thing before they were drove down to some famous restaurant when the truck hit Dante’s car full on, sending it right against a electrical post. From there on, Dante could only remember waking up in the hospital – a two week coma later. His sister did not make it. He also couldn’t hear anything, the fact he had survived had been pretty surprising.

At first Dante thought he was imagining the newfound strength – breaking small objects, crushing his cellphone’s screen three times on the same week. He only realized what was happening when a car almost ran him over and his hand ended printed in the car’s hood with a very defined outline. Confused and terrified of his new powers, whatever they may be, Dante started training his body by himself – working out a little harder, reading and watching things on fighting techniques. No idea where it came from but at least he wouldn’t let it hurt anyone, nor let himself show in no one else’s radar.

HEADCANONS:

(Dance Dance) – Dante took many kinds of lessons as a kid, from painting to piano to French to gymnastics and so on. He’s always loved especially gymnastics and dancing, specifically ballet and he did show talent for it from an early age. He was also very passionate towards visual arts in general, practicing over and over drawings and doodles at the corners of his notebooks. Of course, Arts wasn’t a proper or acceptable career for the son of an influential politician in the Twenty-first century so his parents quickly demoted him from anything serious regarding the arts. Still, living in New York he kept taking ballet lessons in a small studio in his off days from School, just for the sake of doing something small for himself.

(Misunderstood) – Though his name ‘Oren’ is from the Jewish side of the family, the nickname ‘Ren’ is indeed meaningful, given to him by the son of the Japanese ambassador in the US when they were both children. In Japanese Ren means Lotus, more specifically the Lotus flower that comes with a series of meanings, such as Patience, Love, Compassion and Loyalty. He never really got attached to those, not believing himself worthy of any name like that but as years went by, Dante decided to live by the name of Ren, or rather, try to live up to it. Being the best he could be, he even tattooed a small lotus flower on his left shoulder as a reminder. 

(What’s in a name?) - Dante was named after the main character and homonymous author of The Divine Comedy, Dante Alighieri and his siblings were named Virgil and Beatrice, the two other main characters of the book. They were named mostly because their mother loved the names, with no ulterior reasons but Dante does think there might be some irony.

(I Can’t Hear The Music) – The trauma of the car impact, (not to mention his sister’s death that he still refuses to talk about), has caused severe hearing loss of 98% on one ear and 95% on another, mostly rendering Dante completely deaf. In the past year he has been learning how to speak ASL but being raised as a typical southern boy, he’s afraid of showing any signs of weakness or needing others, therefore he always wears hearing aids and tries not to let people know of his disability. Due to the damage being caused by trauma, it’s hard for him to keep the aids on at all times and he hasn’t gotten used to it yet.

(The Best of You) – Dante has been taking weekly fighting lessons for the past three months, though he has to be very careful and most times avoids touching the coach. He’s signed up to an old boxing gym in Harlem and takes boxing lessons every Friday night with an old fighter. The man never asks many questions and pretends not to see every time Ren tears through a punching bag or destroys a wall. He’s not very good at it so far and still too scared, lacking confidence, but at least he did learn how to throw a punch. It’s also been helping him control his powers or the extent they can get.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: (I have a lot of extras halfway done, I wanted to put in but I fear I won’t have time before the limit of sending the app, I’m sorry! If I get accepted, I’ll post it!)

[bradley-hand]

Success Story: She Got Him Back Without Completing No Contact

Today I talk to Jenny who got her ex back without fully completing a no contact rule. I found her situation completely fascinating because she’s a bit of a unicorn.

The no contact rule without a doubt is one of the premier strategies in the industry so when someone succeeds without out I’m always interested in their approach.

Technically Jenny did do a no contact rule but not the original timeframe she had set out to complete.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

How Jenny Got Her Ex Back Without No Contact

Chris Seiter: All right. Today we have brought on Jenny, one of our success stories from our private Facebook group. Before we started recording, I was telling her that she’s a bit of a unicorn because she didn’t follow the exact strategy with no contact, and she’s one of those rare people that got her ex back. We’re going to basically sit down with her for 35 to 45 minutes, and just interview her, and figure out what she did to successfully get her ex back. By her own admission, it seems like she still can’t believe she got him back, which is kind of awesome. How are you doing, Jenny?

Jenny: I’m doing great. I’m glad it’s Friday. The sun is shining today. Having a really good day.

Chris Seiter: We were talking a little bit. You said the weekend looks like it’s going to be a bit rainy in your side of the states. Hopefully, sometimes the weather might get it wrong.

Jenny: We need a little bit of rain for some flowers, so I’m okay with it.

Chris Seiter: That’s true. My grass is dying outside because of a lack of rain. I’m hoping it rains. Anyways, why don’t you take me back to the beginning? Give me a little bit of a briefing on your past relationship with your ex because you had mentioned before we started recording that it was a little bit rocky a couple of times before.

Jenny: Yes. It has not been a perfect relationship. We’ve been together almost three years now. Last summer, we actually made the decision for him to move in with me. During that time that he lived with me, that’s when the pandemic happened. Not only were we first living together for the first time, but then we were kind of forced to stay together for a long time. During that time, there was kids involved, his kids, my kids. We just got really rocky, really fast.

Jenny: He actually ended up moving out and getting his own place, but we ultimately decided to stay together still, which it was like taking a step backwards to take a step forward. Then I think it was about a month or so ago. We were just having a conversation. At one point, during the conversation, he was just like, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jenny: I was completely blindsided. I didn’t understand. What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? We were just fine a couple days ago. In fact, we had gone to the park with our kids. When it comes to our kids, it’s a really serious, serious situation. I was kind of confused, and blindsided, and really hurt, and didn’t understand. Immediately, in that moment, I was doing the grasping for straws, just begging, “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. What are you doing? You’re my person.”

Jenny: Then after that, it was just silence. I didn’t hear from him at all, which is completely unlike us. We talk every day. Then the hurt just kept coming. I’m even more confused, and more hurt, and just didn’t understand. Now we don’t live together, so it’s not like I can just reach out to him. I had all those thoughts of, do I go to his house? Do I go to where he works? That whole stalker mentality starts sinking into your brain.

Jenny: I was like, “What am I going to do? This is my person. This is my future.” In the past, I was kind of that person, the chaser, going after them, and begging, and just doing that whole thing that we always do. I think it was day three. I found your program online. I immediately was like, well, I don’t know if I really want to go through with this. I don’t know if this is for me. I was reading some of the videos. I literally read every single article. I think there’s 600 or something like that.

Chris Seiter: 600 articles, yes.

Jenny: I read all of them.

Chris Seiter: I’m actually in the process of redoing some of them since they’re a little outdated. Before we actually started reviewing or interviewing, that’s literally what I was doing. Someone who reads 600 articles… I can barely read them myself, and I’m going through them. I tip my cap to you. That’s impressive.

Jenny: I was just in that desperation phase. What am I going to do? How do I do this? What is he thinking?

Chris Seiter: Did you bookmark the website or something?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: That’s crazy.

Jenny: I have two tabs at work. I was working on one and then reading on another.

Chris Seiter: The ultimate multi-tasker.

Jenny: I had to do something with my time.

Chris Seiter: Well, I guess that’s kind of a productive outlet. You’re learning.

Jenny: Yes. I was desperate. I didn’t know.

Chris Seiter: Did you do the same thing with the videos?

Jenny: I actually didn’t watch them as I was reading just because I was at work, and I can’t do video and work at the same time.

Chris Seiter: Oh yes. That kind of gives away the whole secretive…

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: You’re supposed to be working.

Jenny: Right. I actually didn’t start watching the videos until I got the program. I would read, and watch the video, and then read the PDF. That’s just kind of what I was doing with my time. I didn’t realize time was passing as I was reading. Then all of a sudden, it was a week later. Then I was in the Facebook group. People kept posting stuff. I was like, yes. I’m like, “Oh, I’m with that. I’m right there with you. I know exactly how you feel.”

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: I really think that the Facebook group was something that really helped me, too, because seeing people go through the exact same thing I was going through, struggling with the exact same feelings I was struggling with, just kind of having that support system of, okay, I’m not crazy. Other people are doing this too.

Chris Seiter: This is normal.

Jenny: Yes, this is normal. Then just being able to also see what other people are saying or doing that is working or not working… I was like, okay, well, I’m not going to do that.

Chris Seiter: Yes. We get a lot of that. Right, right, right.

Jenny: That was really my goal. Then I got to the point of the ungettable girl topic. The way that I saw that was, no one would want to be with someone that’s begging, and sad, and crying. I need to make sure that I’m emitting this kind of secure relationship vibe out to the world. Whether he sees that or someone else sees that, I wanted that to be me. They say success is not linear, or grieving is not linear, or whatever is not linear. That’s exactly how it felt. Some days, I was bad-ass, and I could do this. It’d be fine. Then the next day, I was in my bed with the ice cream.

Chris Seiter: I think that’s so normal too.

Jenny: It is.

Chris Seiter: It’s so overlooked for a lot of people. Everyone always thinks it’s just, one day after the next, it’s going to be perfect. You’re going to be building up that ungettable mentality, but no. It’s like two days in a row and then one day, something happens. You’re just down in the dumps. Then you kind of have to get back up on the horse. It just kind of is this… I mean, yes.

Jenny: For me, it was little triggers. I would find something. I have this note that he wrote me on my desk that I look at all the time.

Chris Seiter: Oh no. Right. You look at it, right?

Jenny: I was like, right? I was like, why would he write this if he didn’t mean it?

Chris Seiter: I mean, what’s interesting about the whole thing from what I’m hearing about your situation so far was how out of the blue it seemed. I kind of imagine, from his perspective, it must have been percolating for a while. If I’m him, I think maybe he’s having trouble… He has the idea, almost like… I watched Inception the other day. It’s top of mind right now. The whole movie is about planting an idea in this guy’s head, and it kind of grows.

Jenny: Kind of grow it.

Chris Seiter: Consumes him, right. I’m thinking your ex, when that breakup happened, because it was so out of the blue, and it was just almost in the middle of a conversation, which is kind of wild, it must’ve been really percolating inside and growing until it finally bubbled up. He just couldn’t let it out anymore, or couldn’t contain it anymore, and had to let it out. I’m kind of curious. Once we get through your situation, if you actually asked him what his experience was with that because I think that could help a lot of people who are in a similar situation, whose exes just sort of cold-cocked them out of the blue.

Jenny: Out of nowhere, yes. We didn’t talk. I tried to do the social media rules where I was supposed to say things about myself. I bought myself tickets to this art show that I’d been wanting to go to for a long time.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s pretty rad.

Jenny: I went with my friends, which I’m not a big go-to-a-club-or-a-bar kind of person, but I went out with my friends.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: Then I went to a outside concert with my parents. I was just in the sun. It was a blues show, and it was just so relaxing. In those moments, I was okay. I was fine. I was having a good time. I felt happy or in my zone. I looked that way from the outside.

Jenny: Later on, he did admit, “I was stalking you. I watched all your stuff.” During that time, I started posting… I’m a big TikTok user. I actually started doing a daily TikTok every day of something positive, a positive quote or a positive uplifting message. I actually started doing it for myself so that I could inspire myself or inspire others. When you do that, you can post it on all your social media.

Jenny: He was seeing those videos and was… Later on, he had mentioned, “I didn’t know if me leaving was a good thing for you because you just seem so happy.” I was like, “No. Sometimes but not all the time.” My idea was just, I need to be positive. I need to have this positive energy. That’s what I want back. That’s how I want that positive energy back.

Jenny: It was hard. It was definitely hard. What initially ended up happening was I was reading all this stuff on the Facebook group. Everyone’s like, no contact, no contact. He had sent me a message, “Hey.” Because right after the breakup, I was like, “Let’s talk. Let’s meet for some coffee or something.”

Chris Seiter: Right. He was not having it.

Jenny: He was like, “No, I don’t want to talk to you.”

Chris Seiter: How much time had passed before this all occurs?

Jenny: Probably a couple weeks, at least three weeks. I mean, I was getting there.

Chris Seiter: Three weeks. Oh, it’s 21 days. That’s almost kind of a smaller little no-contact.

Jenny: The short one.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: He sends me this text message. He’s like, “I want to meet up with you, or are you open to meet up?” At first, I wasn’t going to reply at all because you’re not supposed to reply at all, but I was just kind of like, “Well, I’m actually busy next week. I can’t really meet with you,” which to him… He immediately responded, “Oh, well, I just want you to know that I’m available whenever you need to meet or whenever is good for you.” He wanted me to know he was available.

Chris Seiter: You literally told him that you were busy, but you can meet him next week.

Jenny: Yes. I was like, “Maybe next week.”

Chris Seiter: That’s pretty clever tactic.

Jenny: I did not have plans.

Chris Seiter: Of course. Right. It’s all a game, but hey, he broke up with you.

Jenny: That’s right.

Chris Seiter: Hey, you can play a little games back.

Jenny: You can wait.

Chris Seiter: What happened?

Jenny: That was really, really hard because I did want to talk to him. I did want to see him. I did want to say all the things I’ve been wanting to say. It was really hard to kind of play that game. I’ve been journaling every day and writing all the things down that I want to say. Ultimately, in the end, I didn’t end up saying any of those things that I had written down.

Chris Seiter: It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: You write it all down. You’re like, okay, this is the perfect thing to say, but when you’re in the moment, it’s kind of like, what was that again?

Jenny: Yes. It was very interesting. It was probably a couple days after. It was the weekend after he had sent that text saying he wanted to meet up. I was just sitting there in my bed journaling. I had this really, really strong feeling that I wanted to say something. You have those throughout the whole time. You want to text. You want to call. You want to see him or whatever. This time, it just felt really different. I didn’t really want him to say, I love you or let’s meet up. I just wanted to reach out somehow.

Jenny: I just sent a text. It was 9:00 at night. I said just in a text. I was just like, “I just want you to know I’m thinking about you.” That was it. No, let’s talk. No, let’s have a conversation. Just, I just want you to know you’re on my mind, kind of thing. I’m finishing journaling. I’m sitting there in my bed journaling, and my phone goes off, which I know he’s replied to me. I’m like, I’m not going to answer that right now. I’m just going to finish journaling. I’m doing everything, getting ready for bed.

Jenny: I finally look at my phone. He was asking me about my weekend, or how I was doing, and that I look so happy. I was just like, “Well, I’m just sitting here journaling. I’m not doing anything serious.” Then either he said or I said, “Do you want to text right now?” In my head, I’m thinking, “I kind of want to go to bed.” I was like, “Okay. I’ll text-

Chris Seiter: He was not your first priority.

Jenny: No.

Chris Seiter: Sleep was your first priority, which is kind of the beauty.

Jenny: Right. I was like, “Well, I’ll text for a little bit, but I’m going to be going to bed soon.” It was small talk, that little value chain of just small talk. “Oh, what’d you do this weekend?” that kind of thing. “Oh, I went to a show with my parents,” or whatever. Then out of the blue, he was like, “Can I tell you what I’m thinking right now?” I’m like, “Okay, sure.” He’s like, “I really just want to come over to your house and tell you what I need to tell you because there’s some things I want to say to you and then I can just leave.”

Jenny: I was like, it’s 10 o’clock at night. I don’t know if that’s really a good idea. I talked to my son. I was like, “Hey, he wants to come over. How do you feel about this?” Ultimately, I said, “Okay. Well, you can come over, but we’re going to stand outside on my front porch.”

Chris Seiter: Sit outside.

Jenny: You can’t come in. He did. He came over. It was 10:00 at night. He came over. It’s a 35-minute drive from his place. He stood outside. He said all the things. He said, “I want to be with you. I miss you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I told my kids that I want to move in with you at the end of my lease. I still want to marry you in two years,” all these things.

Jenny: Again, all the things that I’d written down just flew out of my brain. I’m like, “Oh, okay,” completely shocked that this is what he’s telling me because at the time, I’m expecting him to just say, “Look, this is my life. I don’t really think this is where it’s going or whatever.” I really stood my ground. I was like, “Well, that sounds good. I want that too. Let’s just kind of see where this goes.” Then he left. There was no him coming inside. There was no sleepover, none of that.

Chris Seiter: It ended abruptly, and then it began again extremely abruptly.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Then he just left. It’s kind of like a drive-by proposal, and then he’s out of it.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: That’s hilarious.

Jenny: We just sat outside, and he told me all these things. I was like, “Well, I’ve been missing you too. I really want to be with you. I’ve been waiting for us to talk or whatever.” It’s kind of like, we not necessarily picked up where we left off, but even in a better spot now because we have all these plans that we’re doing. He’s been sending me houses that he’s wanting to possibly go look at this summer.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s exciting.

Jenny: We had dinner.

Chris Seiter: Also, a little bit scary. Are you nervous about that?

Jenny: We had talked about it before the breakup. It wasn’t completely shocking, but it was kind of… He had gone from the iffy, “Well, maybe,” to, “Okay, let’s look at this house.”

Chris Seiter: Well, what’s interesting about the situation to me is mostly how it ended. Did you ever have an opportunity to sit down with your boyfriend and say, “What was going through your mind when you broke up with me?”

Jenny: I did. What he claimed was going through his mind is there was something that he had been kind of struggling on a personal level that he hadn’t… I guess he just was kind of scared to tell me. Instead of wanting to tell me, he just kind of was like, “Well, I’m just going to keep you from it. I’m just going to leave you.”

Chris Seiter: It’s classical avoidant approach to the-

Jenny: Oh my gosh, yes.

Chris Seiter: Is that in line with his personality? Is he kind of more of like an avoidant type tendencies?

Jenny: Yes, he is. When we would get in a fight, he was the one that needed space and didn’t want to talk. I’d have to sit around, and wait, and wait for him to get ready to talk. It is in line with his personality in that if he’s dealing with something, I’ll find out later on down the road. I’m not going to find out if he’s got-

Chris Seiter: He’s like, “I’m going to deal with it myself. I don’t need help from anyone.”

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Which is really classic avoidant attachment. They’re very independent, so they feel like they can deal with the problems themselves. They don’t want to include anyone else to help them. Of course, you seem like the kind that would love to help solve problems. In some ways, that’s an avoidant’s worst nightmare because they’re like, “No, I can do it myself.” They push you away.

Chris Seiter: I don’t think this is a case of, the grass is greener, where he thinks, “Oh, I could find someone better.” I think this is a case of, you’re getting a little too close. I’m getting scared, so I’m going to push you away. Then now that he’s away, he starts to have nostalgic reverie based on your past relationship. He’s like, “Oh crap. What have I done?” He regrets the decision. He comes back. Do you think that’s in line with what happened, or is there an element that I’m missing here?

Jenny: No. I mean, it sounds pretty right on. He was very like, “I want to deal with this myself.” Then after having some time away, he’s like, “I really need you. I really need you in my life.” Not to his own fault, but I’m the kind of person that I kind of have to put up a boundary. I’m not going to do this for you. You have to figure this out on your own because I want to help so hard. That’s something that I have to work on myself, is I want to help you, but I can’t do it for you.

Chris Seiter: I don’t know about you, but I was always taught, maybe from viewing my parents, that when couples are having struggles, you help each other, right? For me, when I would start dating and date someone who had avoidant tendencies, it was almost like help… I wanted to get in there and solve the problem. It took me a long time to realize, like what you said, you have to almost stop yourself and be like, no, they have to solve the problem.

Chris Seiter: A lot of times, I’d be dating someone. They’d be crying. I’d be like, “Why are you crying? I’ll fix it. What’s wrong?” It was really hard for me to sit back and be like, I need to let them feel what they’re feeling. Do you feel like there was any of that where you’re like me, where you’re just like, “No, I’m going to help solve the problem,” and then just sort of backing up and being, no, I’m going to let them feel what they’re feeling?

Jenny: I am that person. I’m the, please don’t cry. What can I do to help you?

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: How do we use fix this? I’m that person. He’s kind of the opposite, in that, “Oh, you’re crying. Maybe I should just give you some space.”

Chris Seiter: My wife is the same way. I don’t really cry that much, but when something’s bothering me… A classic example is when someone gets sick or when my wife gets sick, if I try to help her, she’s like, “No, stop.” If I get sick, I’m like, “No. No, come help. Dote on me.”

Jenny: Do all the things.

Chris Seiter: Right, yes.

Jenny: That’s pretty much the same for us too. I think in the opposite way, he wants to do it himself. He’s fine by himself, doesn’t need help. Then ultimately, when you get there, you’re like, okay, maybe I do need your help. Maybe I do want you here. We got to the point where he admitted that he was struggling. I said, “Well, I can’t fix this for you, or I’m not going to fix this for you, but I’m still here. I’m still here for you. You don’t have to do this by yourself, even if it’s just me just sitting next to you so you’re not sitting by yourself.”

Jenny: Ultimately, I think that’s where we got to. It was, again, like you said, very unexpected in that it happened and very unexpected in the way that we got back together too. I had gotten to that point where I was like, is this ever going to happen? Is he ever going to reach out? I definitely had those moments where I didn’t know for sure what was going to happen.

Chris Seiter: Were you ever at a point emotionally, because I hear this a lot from success stories where they get to this point where they’re just… They’ve been through enough period of no contact without hearing from their ex. Things maybe are not going the way they were expecting. They’re sitting there and thinking to themselves, “You know what? I just don’t care about getting them back anymore.” They kind of confront that reality, and they’re okay with it. Was there ever a point that you got to where you felt that way?

Jenny: I would probably say no, just because in the..

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Success Story: She Got Him Back Without Completing No Contact

Today I talk to Jenny who got her ex back without fully completing a no contact rule. I found her situation completely fascinating because she’s a bit of a unicorn.

The no contact rule without a doubt is one of the premier strategies in the industry so when someone succeeds without out I’m always interested in their approach.

Technically Jenny did do a no contact rule but not the original timeframe she had set out to complete.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

How Jenny Got Her Ex Back Without No Contact

Chris Seiter: All right. Today we have brought on Jenny, one of our success stories from our private Facebook group. Before we started recording, I was telling her that she’s a bit of a unicorn because she didn’t follow the exact strategy with no contact, and she’s one of those rare people that got her ex back. We’re going to basically sit down with her for 35 to 45 minutes, and just interview her, and figure out what she did to successfully get her ex back. By her own admission, it seems like she still can’t believe she got him back, which is kind of awesome. How are you doing, Jenny?

Jenny: I’m doing great. I’m glad it’s Friday. The sun is shining today. Having a really good day.

Chris Seiter: We were talking a little bit. You said the weekend looks like it’s going to be a bit rainy in your side of the states. Hopefully, sometimes the weather might get it wrong.

Jenny: We need a little bit of rain for some flowers, so I’m okay with it.

Chris Seiter: That’s true. My grass is dying outside because of a lack of rain. I’m hoping it rains. Anyways, why don’t you take me back to the beginning? Give me a little bit of a briefing on your past relationship with your ex because you had mentioned before we started recording that it was a little bit rocky a couple of times before.

Jenny: Yes. It has not been a perfect relationship. We’ve been together almost three years now. Last summer, we actually made the decision for him to move in with me. During that time that he lived with me, that’s when the pandemic happened. Not only were we first living together for the first time, but then we were kind of forced to stay together for a long time. During that time, there was kids involved, his kids, my kids. We just got really rocky, really fast.

Jenny: He actually ended up moving out and getting his own place, but we ultimately decided to stay together still, which it was like taking a step backwards to take a step forward. Then I think it was about a month or so ago. We were just having a conversation. At one point, during the conversation, he was just like, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jenny: I was completely blindsided. I didn’t understand. What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? We were just fine a couple days ago. In fact, we had gone to the park with our kids. When it comes to our kids, it’s a really serious, serious situation. I was kind of confused, and blindsided, and really hurt, and didn’t understand. Immediately, in that moment, I was doing the grasping for straws, just begging, “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. What are you doing? You’re my person.”

Jenny: Then after that, it was just silence. I didn’t hear from him at all, which is completely unlike us. We talk every day. Then the hurt just kept coming. I’m even more confused, and more hurt, and just didn’t understand. Now we don’t live together, so it’s not like I can just reach out to him. I had all those thoughts of, do I go to his house? Do I go to where he works? That whole stalker mentality starts sinking into your brain.

Jenny: I was like, “What am I going to do? This is my person. This is my future.” In the past, I was kind of that person, the chaser, going after them, and begging, and just doing that whole thing that we always do. I think it was day three. I found your program online. I immediately was like, well, I don’t know if I really want to go through with this. I don’t know if this is for me. I was reading some of the videos. I literally read every single article. I think there’s 600 or something like that.

Chris Seiter: 600 articles, yes.

Jenny: I read all of them.

Chris Seiter: I’m actually in the process of redoing some of them since they’re a little outdated. Before we actually started reviewing or interviewing, that’s literally what I was doing. Someone who reads 600 articles… I can barely read them myself, and I’m going through them. I tip my cap to you. That’s impressive.

Jenny: I was just in that desperation phase. What am I going to do? How do I do this? What is he thinking?

Chris Seiter: Did you bookmark the website or something?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: That’s crazy.

Jenny: I have two tabs at work. I was working on one and then reading on another.

Chris Seiter: The ultimate multi-tasker.

Jenny: I had to do something with my time.

Chris Seiter: Well, I guess that’s kind of a productive outlet. You’re learning.

Jenny: Yes. I was desperate. I didn’t know.

Chris Seiter: Did you do the same thing with the videos?

Jenny: I actually didn’t watch them as I was reading just because I was at work, and I can’t do video and work at the same time.

Chris Seiter: Oh yes. That kind of gives away the whole secretive…

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: You’re supposed to be working.

Jenny: Right. I actually didn’t start watching the videos until I got the program. I would read, and watch the video, and then read the PDF. That’s just kind of what I was doing with my time. I didn’t realize time was passing as I was reading. Then all of a sudden, it was a week later. Then I was in the Facebook group. People kept posting stuff. I was like, yes. I’m like, “Oh, I’m with that. I’m right there with you. I know exactly how you feel.”

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: I really think that the Facebook group was something that really helped me, too, because seeing people go through the exact same thing I was going through, struggling with the exact same feelings I was struggling with, just kind of having that support system of, okay, I’m not crazy. Other people are doing this too.

Chris Seiter: This is normal.

Jenny: Yes, this is normal. Then just being able to also see what other people are saying or doing that is working or not working… I was like, okay, well, I’m not going to do that.

Chris Seiter: Yes. We get a lot of that. Right, right, right.

Jenny: That was really my goal. Then I got to the point of the ungettable girl topic. The way that I saw that was, no one would want to be with someone that’s begging, and sad, and crying. I need to make sure that I’m emitting this kind of secure relationship vibe out to the world. Whether he sees that or someone else sees that, I wanted that to be me. They say success is not linear, or grieving is not linear, or whatever is not linear. That’s exactly how it felt. Some days, I was bad-ass, and I could do this. It’d be fine. Then the next day, I was in my bed with the ice cream.

Chris Seiter: I think that’s so normal too.

Jenny: It is.

Chris Seiter: It’s so overlooked for a lot of people. Everyone always thinks it’s just, one day after the next, it’s going to be perfect. You’re going to be building up that ungettable mentality, but no. It’s like two days in a row and then one day, something happens. You’re just down in the dumps. Then you kind of have to get back up on the horse. It just kind of is this… I mean, yes.

Jenny: For me, it was little triggers. I would find something. I have this note that he wrote me on my desk that I look at all the time.

Chris Seiter: Oh no. Right. You look at it, right?

Jenny: I was like, right? I was like, why would he write this if he didn’t mean it?

Chris Seiter: I mean, what’s interesting about the whole thing from what I’m hearing about your situation so far was how out of the blue it seemed. I kind of imagine, from his perspective, it must have been percolating for a while. If I’m him, I think maybe he’s having trouble… He has the idea, almost like… I watched Inception the other day. It’s top of mind right now. The whole movie is about planting an idea in this guy’s head, and it kind of grows.

Jenny: Kind of grow it.

Chris Seiter: Consumes him, right. I’m thinking your ex, when that breakup happened, because it was so out of the blue, and it was just almost in the middle of a conversation, which is kind of wild, it must’ve been really percolating inside and growing until it finally bubbled up. He just couldn’t let it out anymore, or couldn’t contain it anymore, and had to let it out. I’m kind of curious. Once we get through your situation, if you actually asked him what his experience was with that because I think that could help a lot of people who are in a similar situation, whose exes just sort of cold-cocked them out of the blue.

Jenny: Out of nowhere, yes. We didn’t talk. I tried to do the social media rules where I was supposed to say things about myself. I bought myself tickets to this art show that I’d been wanting to go to for a long time.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s pretty rad.

Jenny: I went with my friends, which I’m not a big go-to-a-club-or-a-bar kind of person, but I went out with my friends.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: Then I went to a outside concert with my parents. I was just in the sun. It was a blues show, and it was just so relaxing. In those moments, I was okay. I was fine. I was having a good time. I felt happy or in my zone. I looked that way from the outside.

Jenny: Later on, he did admit, “I was stalking you. I watched all your stuff.” During that time, I started posting… I’m a big TikTok user. I actually started doing a daily TikTok every day of something positive, a positive quote or a positive uplifting message. I actually started doing it for myself so that I could inspire myself or inspire others. When you do that, you can post it on all your social media.

Jenny: He was seeing those videos and was… Later on, he had mentioned, “I didn’t know if me leaving was a good thing for you because you just seem so happy.” I was like, “No. Sometimes but not all the time.” My idea was just, I need to be positive. I need to have this positive energy. That’s what I want back. That’s how I want that positive energy back.

Jenny: It was hard. It was definitely hard. What initially ended up happening was I was reading all this stuff on the Facebook group. Everyone’s like, no contact, no contact. He had sent me a message, “Hey.” Because right after the breakup, I was like, “Let’s talk. Let’s meet for some coffee or something.”

Chris Seiter: Right. He was not having it.

Jenny: He was like, “No, I don’t want to talk to you.”

Chris Seiter: How much time had passed before this all occurs?

Jenny: Probably a couple weeks, at least three weeks. I mean, I was getting there.

Chris Seiter: Three weeks. Oh, it’s 21 days. That’s almost kind of a smaller little no-contact.

Jenny: The short one.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: He sends me this text message. He’s like, “I want to meet up with you, or are you open to meet up?” At first, I wasn’t going to reply at all because you’re not supposed to reply at all, but I was just kind of like, “Well, I’m actually busy next week. I can’t really meet with you,” which to him… He immediately responded, “Oh, well, I just want you to know that I’m available whenever you need to meet or whenever is good for you.” He wanted me to know he was available.

Chris Seiter: You literally told him that you were busy, but you can meet him next week.

Jenny: Yes. I was like, “Maybe next week.”

Chris Seiter: That’s pretty clever tactic.

Jenny: I did not have plans.

Chris Seiter: Of course. Right. It’s all a game, but hey, he broke up with you.

Jenny: That’s right.

Chris Seiter: Hey, you can play a little games back.

Jenny: You can wait.

Chris Seiter: What happened?

Jenny: That was really, really hard because I did want to talk to him. I did want to see him. I did want to say all the things I’ve been wanting to say. It was really hard to kind of play that game. I’ve been journaling every day and writing all the things down that I want to say. Ultimately, in the end, I didn’t end up saying any of those things that I had written down.

Chris Seiter: It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: You write it all down. You’re like, okay, this is the perfect thing to say, but when you’re in the moment, it’s kind of like, what was that again?

Jenny: Yes. It was very interesting. It was probably a couple days after. It was the weekend after he had sent that text saying he wanted to meet up. I was just sitting there in my bed journaling. I had this really, really strong feeling that I wanted to say something. You have those throughout the whole time. You want to text. You want to call. You want to see him or whatever. This time, it just felt really different. I didn’t really want him to say, I love you or let’s meet up. I just wanted to reach out somehow.

Jenny: I just sent a text. It was 9:00 at night. I said just in a text. I was just like, “I just want you to know I’m thinking about you.” That was it. No, let’s talk. No, let’s have a conversation. Just, I just want you to know you’re on my mind, kind of thing. I’m finishing journaling. I’m sitting there in my bed journaling, and my phone goes off, which I know he’s replied to me. I’m like, I’m not going to answer that right now. I’m just going to finish journaling. I’m doing everything, getting ready for bed.

Jenny: I finally look at my phone. He was asking me about my weekend, or how I was doing, and that I look so happy. I was just like, “Well, I’m just sitting here journaling. I’m not doing anything serious.” Then either he said or I said, “Do you want to text right now?” In my head, I’m thinking, “I kind of want to go to bed.” I was like, “Okay. I’ll text-

Chris Seiter: He was not your first priority.

Jenny: No.

Chris Seiter: Sleep was your first priority, which is kind of the beauty.

Jenny: Right. I was like, “Well, I’ll text for a little bit, but I’m going to be going to bed soon.” It was small talk, that little value chain of just small talk. “Oh, what’d you do this weekend?” that kind of thing. “Oh, I went to a show with my parents,” or whatever. Then out of the blue, he was like, “Can I tell you what I’m thinking right now?” I’m like, “Okay, sure.” He’s like, “I really just want to come over to your house and tell you what I need to tell you because there’s some things I want to say to you and then I can just leave.”

Jenny: I was like, it’s 10 o’clock at night. I don’t know if that’s really a good idea. I talked to my son. I was like, “Hey, he wants to come over. How do you feel about this?” Ultimately, I said, “Okay. Well, you can come over, but we’re going to stand outside on my front porch.”

Chris Seiter: Sit outside.

Jenny: You can’t come in. He did. He came over. It was 10:00 at night. He came over. It’s a 35-minute drive from his place. He stood outside. He said all the things. He said, “I want to be with you. I miss you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I told my kids that I want to move in with you at the end of my lease. I still want to marry you in two years,” all these things.

Jenny: Again, all the things that I’d written down just flew out of my brain. I’m like, “Oh, okay,” completely shocked that this is what he’s telling me because at the time, I’m expecting him to just say, “Look, this is my life. I don’t really think this is where it’s going or whatever.” I really stood my ground. I was like, “Well, that sounds good. I want that too. Let’s just kind of see where this goes.” Then he left. There was no him coming inside. There was no sleepover, none of that.

Chris Seiter: It ended abruptly, and then it began again extremely abruptly.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Then he just left. It’s kind of like a drive-by proposal, and then he’s out of it.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: That’s hilarious.

Jenny: We just sat outside, and he told me all these things. I was like, “Well, I’ve been missing you too. I really want to be with you. I’ve been waiting for us to talk or whatever.” It’s kind of like, we not necessarily picked up where we left off, but even in a better spot now because we have all these plans that we’re doing. He’s been sending me houses that he’s wanting to possibly go look at this summer.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s exciting.

Jenny: We had dinner.

Chris Seiter: Also, a little bit scary. Are you nervous about that?

Jenny: We had talked about it before the breakup. It wasn’t completely shocking, but it was kind of… He had gone from the iffy, “Well, maybe,” to, “Okay, let’s look at this house.”

Chris Seiter: Well, what’s interesting about the situation to me is mostly how it ended. Did you ever have an opportunity to sit down with your boyfriend and say, “What was going through your mind when you broke up with me?”

Jenny: I did. What he claimed was going through his mind is there was something that he had been kind of struggling on a personal level that he hadn’t… I guess he just was kind of scared to tell me. Instead of wanting to tell me, he just kind of was like, “Well, I’m just going to keep you from it. I’m just going to leave you.”

Chris Seiter: It’s classical avoidant approach to the-

Jenny: Oh my gosh, yes.

Chris Seiter: Is that in line with his personality? Is he kind of more of like an avoidant type tendencies?

Jenny: Yes, he is. When we would get in a fight, he was the one that needed space and didn’t want to talk. I’d have to sit around, and wait, and wait for him to get ready to talk. It is in line with his personality in that if he’s dealing with something, I’ll find out later on down the road. I’m not going to find out if he’s got-

Chris Seiter: He’s like, “I’m going to deal with it myself. I don’t need help from anyone.”

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Which is really classic avoidant attachment. They’re very independent, so they feel like they can deal with the problems themselves. They don’t want to include anyone else to help them. Of course, you seem like the kind that would love to help solve problems. In some ways, that’s an avoidant’s worst nightmare because they’re like, “No, I can do it myself.” They push you away.

Chris Seiter: I don’t think this is a case of, the grass is greener, where he thinks, “Oh, I could find someone better.” I think this is a case of, you’re getting a little too close. I’m getting scared, so I’m going to push you away. Then now that he’s away, he starts to have nostalgic reverie based on your past relationship. He’s like, “Oh crap. What have I done?” He regrets the decision. He comes back. Do you think that’s in line with what happened, or is there an element that I’m missing here?

Jenny: No. I mean, it sounds pretty right on. He was very like, “I want to deal with this myself.” Then after having some time away, he’s like, “I really need you. I really need you in my life.” Not to his own fault, but I’m the kind of person that I kind of have to put up a boundary. I’m not going to do this for you. You have to figure this out on your own because I want to help so hard. That’s something that I have to work on myself, is I want to help you, but I can’t do it for you.

Chris Seiter: I don’t know about you, but I was always taught, maybe from viewing my parents, that when couples are having struggles, you help each other, right? For me, when I would start dating and date someone who had avoidant tendencies, it was almost like help… I wanted to get in there and solve the problem. It took me a long time to realize, like what you said, you have to almost stop yourself and be like, no, they have to solve the problem.

Chris Seiter: A lot of times, I’d be dating someone. They’d be crying. I’d be like, “Why are you crying? I’ll fix it. What’s wrong?” It was really hard for me to sit back and be like, I need to let them feel what they’re feeling. Do you feel like there was any of that where you’re like me, where you’re just like, “No, I’m going to help solve the problem,” and then just sort of backing up and being, no, I’m going to let them feel what they’re feeling?

Jenny: I am that person. I’m the, please don’t cry. What can I do to help you?

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: How do we use fix this? I’m that person. He’s kind of the opposite, in that, “Oh, you’re crying. Maybe I should just give you some space.”

Chris Seiter: My wife is the same way. I don’t really cry that much, but when something’s bothering me… A classic example is when someone gets sick or when my wife gets sick, if I try to help her, she’s like, “No, stop.” If I get sick, I’m like, “No. No, come help. Dote on me.”

Jenny: Do all the things.

Chris Seiter: Right, yes.

Jenny: That’s pretty much the same for us too. I think in the opposite way, he wants to do it himself. He’s fine by himself, doesn’t need help. Then ultimately, when you get there, you’re like, okay, maybe I do need your help. Maybe I do want you here. We got to the point where he admitted that he was struggling. I said, “Well, I can’t fix this for you, or I’m not going to fix this for you, but I’m still here. I’m still here for you. You don’t have to do this by yourself, even if it’s just me just sitting next to you so you’re not sitting by yourself.”

Jenny: Ultimately, I think that’s where we got to. It was, again, like you said, very unexpected in that it happened and very unexpected in the way that we got back together too. I had gotten to that point where I was like, is this ever going to happen? Is he ever going to reach out? I definitely had those moments where I didn’t know for sure what was going to happen.

Chris Seiter: Were you ever at a point emotionally, because I hear this a lot from success stories where they get to this point where they’re just… They’ve been through enough period of no contact without hearing from their ex. Things maybe are not going the way they were expecting. They’re sitting there and thinking to themselves, “You know what? I just don’t care about getting them back anymore.” They kind of confront that reality, and they’re okay with it. Was there ever a point that you got to where you felt that way?

Jenny: I would probably say no, just because in the..

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[hoynovoy]

Success Story: She Got Him Back Without Completing No Contact

Today I talk to Jenny who got her ex back without fully completing a no contact rule. I found her situation completely fascinating because she’s a bit of a unicorn.

The no contact rule without a doubt is one of the premier strategies in the industry so when someone succeeds without out I’m always interested in their approach.

Technically Jenny did do a no contact rule but not the original timeframe she had set out to complete.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

How Jenny Got Her Ex Back Without No Contact

Chris Seiter: All right. Today we have brought on Jenny, one of our success stories from our private Facebook group. Before we started recording, I was telling her that she’s a bit of a unicorn because she didn’t follow the exact strategy with no contact, and she’s one of those rare people that got her ex back. We’re going to basically sit down with her for 35 to 45 minutes, and just interview her, and figure out what she did to successfully get her ex back. By her own admission, it seems like she still can’t believe she got him back, which is kind of awesome. How are you doing, Jenny?

Jenny: I’m doing great. I’m glad it’s Friday. The sun is shining today. Having a really good day.

Chris Seiter: We were talking a little bit. You said the weekend looks like it’s going to be a bit rainy in your side of the states. Hopefully, sometimes the weather might get it wrong.

Jenny: We need a little bit of rain for some flowers, so I’m okay with it.

Chris Seiter: That’s true. My grass is dying outside because of a lack of rain. I’m hoping it rains. Anyways, why don’t you take me back to the beginning? Give me a little bit of a briefing on your past relationship with your ex because you had mentioned before we started recording that it was a little bit rocky a couple of times before.

Jenny: Yes. It has not been a perfect relationship. We’ve been together almost three years now. Last summer, we actually made the decision for him to move in with me. During that time that he lived with me, that’s when the pandemic happened. Not only were we first living together for the first time, but then we were kind of forced to stay together for a long time. During that time, there was kids involved, his kids, my kids. We just got really rocky, really fast.

Jenny: He actually ended up moving out and getting his own place, but we ultimately decided to stay together still, which it was like taking a step backwards to take a step forward. Then I think it was about a month or so ago. We were just having a conversation. At one point, during the conversation, he was just like, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jenny: I was completely blindsided. I didn’t understand. What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? We were just fine a couple days ago. In fact, we had gone to the park with our kids. When it comes to our kids, it’s a really serious, serious situation. I was kind of confused, and blindsided, and really hurt, and didn’t understand. Immediately, in that moment, I was doing the grasping for straws, just begging, “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. What are you doing? You’re my person.”

Jenny: Then after that, it was just silence. I didn’t hear from him at all, which is completely unlike us. We talk every day. Then the hurt just kept coming. I’m even more confused, and more hurt, and just didn’t understand. Now we don’t live together, so it’s not like I can just reach out to him. I had all those thoughts of, do I go to his house? Do I go to where he works? That whole stalker mentality starts sinking into your brain.

Jenny: I was like, “What am I going to do? This is my person. This is my future.” In the past, I was kind of that person, the chaser, going after them, and begging, and just doing that whole thing that we always do. I think it was day three. I found your program online. I immediately was like, well, I don’t know if I really want to go through with this. I don’t know if this is for me. I was reading some of the videos. I literally read every single article. I think there’s 600 or something like that.

Chris Seiter: 600 articles, yes.

Jenny: I read all of them.

Chris Seiter: I’m actually in the process of redoing some of them since they’re a little outdated. Before we actually started reviewing or interviewing, that’s literally what I was doing. Someone who reads 600 articles… I can barely read them myself, and I’m going through them. I tip my cap to you. That’s impressive.

Jenny: I was just in that desperation phase. What am I going to do? How do I do this? What is he thinking?

Chris Seiter: Did you bookmark the website or something?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: That’s crazy.

Jenny: I have two tabs at work. I was working on one and then reading on another.

Chris Seiter: The ultimate multi-tasker.

Jenny: I had to do something with my time.

Chris Seiter: Well, I guess that’s kind of a productive outlet. You’re learning.

Jenny: Yes. I was desperate. I didn’t know.

Chris Seiter: Did you do the same thing with the videos?

Jenny: I actually didn’t watch them as I was reading just because I was at work, and I can’t do video and work at the same time.

Chris Seiter: Oh yes. That kind of gives away the whole secretive…

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: You’re supposed to be working.

Jenny: Right. I actually didn’t start watching the videos until I got the program. I would read, and watch the video, and then read the PDF. That’s just kind of what I was doing with my time. I didn’t realize time was passing as I was reading. Then all of a sudden, it was a week later. Then I was in the Facebook group. People kept posting stuff. I was like, yes. I’m like, “Oh, I’m with that. I’m right there with you. I know exactly how you feel.”

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: I really think that the Facebook group was something that really helped me, too, because seeing people go through the exact same thing I was going through, struggling with the exact same feelings I was struggling with, just kind of having that support system of, okay, I’m not crazy. Other people are doing this too.

Chris Seiter: This is normal.

Jenny: Yes, this is normal. Then just being able to also see what other people are saying or doing that is working or not working… I was like, okay, well, I’m not going to do that.

Chris Seiter: Yes. We get a lot of that. Right, right, right.

Jenny: That was really my goal. Then I got to the point of the ungettable girl topic. The way that I saw that was, no one would want to be with someone that’s begging, and sad, and crying. I need to make sure that I’m emitting this kind of secure relationship vibe out to the world. Whether he sees that or someone else sees that, I wanted that to be me. They say success is not linear, or grieving is not linear, or whatever is not linear. That’s exactly how it felt. Some days, I was bad-ass, and I could do this. It’d be fine. Then the next day, I was in my bed with the ice cream.

Chris Seiter: I think that’s so normal too.

Jenny: It is.

Chris Seiter: It’s so overlooked for a lot of people. Everyone always thinks it’s just, one day after the next, it’s going to be perfect. You’re going to be building up that ungettable mentality, but no. It’s like two days in a row and then one day, something happens. You’re just down in the dumps. Then you kind of have to get back up on the horse. It just kind of is this… I mean, yes.

Jenny: For me, it was little triggers. I would find something. I have this note that he wrote me on my desk that I look at all the time.

Chris Seiter: Oh no. Right. You look at it, right?

Jenny: I was like, right? I was like, why would he write this if he didn’t mean it?

Chris Seiter: I mean, what’s interesting about the whole thing from what I’m hearing about your situation so far was how out of the blue it seemed. I kind of imagine, from his perspective, it must have been percolating for a while. If I’m him, I think maybe he’s having trouble… He has the idea, almost like… I watched Inception the other day. It’s top of mind right now. The whole movie is about planting an idea in this guy’s head, and it kind of grows.

Jenny: Kind of grow it.

Chris Seiter: Consumes him, right. I’m thinking your ex, when that breakup happened, because it was so out of the blue, and it was just almost in the middle of a conversation, which is kind of wild, it must’ve been really percolating inside and growing until it finally bubbled up. He just couldn’t let it out anymore, or couldn’t contain it anymore, and had to let it out. I’m kind of curious. Once we get through your situation, if you actually asked him what his experience was with that because I think that could help a lot of people who are in a similar situation, whose exes just sort of cold-cocked them out of the blue.

Jenny: Out of nowhere, yes. We didn’t talk. I tried to do the social media rules where I was supposed to say things about myself. I bought myself tickets to this art show that I’d been wanting to go to for a long time.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s pretty rad.

Jenny: I went with my friends, which I’m not a big go-to-a-club-or-a-bar kind of person, but I went out with my friends.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: Then I went to a outside concert with my parents. I was just in the sun. It was a blues show, and it was just so relaxing. In those moments, I was okay. I was fine. I was having a good time. I felt happy or in my zone. I looked that way from the outside.

Jenny: Later on, he did admit, “I was stalking you. I watched all your stuff.” During that time, I started posting… I’m a big TikTok user. I actually started doing a daily TikTok every day of something positive, a positive quote or a positive uplifting message. I actually started doing it for myself so that I could inspire myself or inspire others. When you do that, you can post it on all your social media.

Jenny: He was seeing those videos and was… Later on, he had mentioned, “I didn’t know if me leaving was a good thing for you because you just seem so happy.” I was like, “No. Sometimes but not all the time.” My idea was just, I need to be positive. I need to have this positive energy. That’s what I want back. That’s how I want that positive energy back.

Jenny: It was hard. It was definitely hard. What initially ended up happening was I was reading all this stuff on the Facebook group. Everyone’s like, no contact, no contact. He had sent me a message, “Hey.” Because right after the breakup, I was like, “Let’s talk. Let’s meet for some coffee or something.”

Chris Seiter: Right. He was not having it.

Jenny: He was like, “No, I don’t want to talk to you.”

Chris Seiter: How much time had passed before this all occurs?

Jenny: Probably a couple weeks, at least three weeks. I mean, I was getting there.

Chris Seiter: Three weeks. Oh, it’s 21 days. That’s almost kind of a smaller little no-contact.

Jenny: The short one.

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: He sends me this text message. He’s like, “I want to meet up with you, or are you open to meet up?” At first, I wasn’t going to reply at all because you’re not supposed to reply at all, but I was just kind of like, “Well, I’m actually busy next week. I can’t really meet with you,” which to him… He immediately responded, “Oh, well, I just want you to know that I’m available whenever you need to meet or whenever is good for you.” He wanted me to know he was available.

Chris Seiter: You literally told him that you were busy, but you can meet him next week.

Jenny: Yes. I was like, “Maybe next week.”

Chris Seiter: That’s pretty clever tactic.

Jenny: I did not have plans.

Chris Seiter: Of course. Right. It’s all a game, but hey, he broke up with you.

Jenny: That’s right.

Chris Seiter: Hey, you can play a little games back.

Jenny: You can wait.

Chris Seiter: What happened?

Jenny: That was really, really hard because I did want to talk to him. I did want to see him. I did want to say all the things I’ve been wanting to say. It was really hard to kind of play that game. I’ve been journaling every day and writing all the things down that I want to say. Ultimately, in the end, I didn’t end up saying any of those things that I had written down.

Chris Seiter: It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?

Jenny: Yes.

Chris Seiter: You write it all down. You’re like, okay, this is the perfect thing to say, but when you’re in the moment, it’s kind of like, what was that again?

Jenny: Yes. It was very interesting. It was probably a couple days after. It was the weekend after he had sent that text saying he wanted to meet up. I was just sitting there in my bed journaling. I had this really, really strong feeling that I wanted to say something. You have those throughout the whole time. You want to text. You want to call. You want to see him or whatever. This time, it just felt really different. I didn’t really want him to say, I love you or let’s meet up. I just wanted to reach out somehow.

Jenny: I just sent a text. It was 9:00 at night. I said just in a text. I was just like, “I just want you to know I’m thinking about you.” That was it. No, let’s talk. No, let’s have a conversation. Just, I just want you to know you’re on my mind, kind of thing. I’m finishing journaling. I’m sitting there in my bed journaling, and my phone goes off, which I know he’s replied to me. I’m like, I’m not going to answer that right now. I’m just going to finish journaling. I’m doing everything, getting ready for bed.

Jenny: I finally look at my phone. He was asking me about my weekend, or how I was doing, and that I look so happy. I was just like, “Well, I’m just sitting here journaling. I’m not doing anything serious.” Then either he said or I said, “Do you want to text right now?” In my head, I’m thinking, “I kind of want to go to bed.” I was like, “Okay. I’ll text-

Chris Seiter: He was not your first priority.

Jenny: No.

Chris Seiter: Sleep was your first priority, which is kind of the beauty.

Jenny: Right. I was like, “Well, I’ll text for a little bit, but I’m going to be going to bed soon.” It was small talk, that little value chain of just small talk. “Oh, what’d you do this weekend?” that kind of thing. “Oh, I went to a show with my parents,” or whatever. Then out of the blue, he was like, “Can I tell you what I’m thinking right now?” I’m like, “Okay, sure.” He’s like, “I really just want to come over to your house and tell you what I need to tell you because there’s some things I want to say to you and then I can just leave.”

Jenny: I was like, it’s 10 o’clock at night. I don’t know if that’s really a good idea. I talked to my son. I was like, “Hey, he wants to come over. How do you feel about this?” Ultimately, I said, “Okay. Well, you can come over, but we’re going to stand outside on my front porch.”

Chris Seiter: Sit outside.

Jenny: You can’t come in. He did. He came over. It was 10:00 at night. He came over. It’s a 35-minute drive from his place. He stood outside. He said all the things. He said, “I want to be with you. I miss you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I told my kids that I want to move in with you at the end of my lease. I still want to marry you in two years,” all these things.

Jenny: Again, all the things that I’d written down just flew out of my brain. I’m like, “Oh, okay,” completely shocked that this is what he’s telling me because at the time, I’m expecting him to just say, “Look, this is my life. I don’t really think this is where it’s going or whatever.” I really stood my ground. I was like, “Well, that sounds good. I want that too. Let’s just kind of see where this goes.” Then he left. There was no him coming inside. There was no sleepover, none of that.

Chris Seiter: It ended abruptly, and then it began again extremely abruptly.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Then he just left. It’s kind of like a drive-by proposal, and then he’s out of it.

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: That’s hilarious.

Jenny: We just sat outside, and he told me all these things. I was like, “Well, I’ve been missing you too. I really want to be with you. I’ve been waiting for us to talk or whatever.” It’s kind of like, we not necessarily picked up where we left off, but even in a better spot now because we have all these plans that we’re doing. He’s been sending me houses that he’s wanting to possibly go look at this summer.

Chris Seiter: Well, that’s exciting.

Jenny: We had dinner.

Chris Seiter: Also, a little bit scary. Are you nervous about that?

Jenny: We had talked about it before the breakup. It wasn’t completely shocking, but it was kind of… He had gone from the iffy, “Well, maybe,” to, “Okay, let’s look at this house.”

Chris Seiter: Well, what’s interesting about the situation to me is mostly how it ended. Did you ever have an opportunity to sit down with your boyfriend and say, “What was going through your mind when you broke up with me?”

Jenny: I did. What he claimed was going through his mind is there was something that he had been kind of struggling on a personal level that he hadn’t… I guess he just was kind of scared to tell me. Instead of wanting to tell me, he just kind of was like, “Well, I’m just going to keep you from it. I’m just going to leave you.”

Chris Seiter: It’s classical avoidant approach to the-

Jenny: Oh my gosh, yes.

Chris Seiter: Is that in line with his personality? Is he kind of more of like an avoidant type tendencies?

Jenny: Yes, he is. When we would get in a fight, he was the one that needed space and didn’t want to talk. I’d have to sit around, and wait, and wait for him to get ready to talk. It is in line with his personality in that if he’s dealing with something, I’ll find out later on down the road. I’m not going to find out if he’s got-

Chris Seiter: He’s like, “I’m going to deal with it myself. I don’t need help from anyone.”

Jenny: Right.

Chris Seiter: Which is really classic avoidant attachment. They’re very independent, so they feel like they can deal with the problems themselves. They don’t want to include anyone else to help them. Of course, you seem like the kind that would love to help solve problems. In some ways, that’s an avoidant’s worst nightmare because they’re like, “No, I can do it myself.” They push you away.

Chris Seiter: I don’t think this is a case of, the grass is greener, where he thinks, “Oh, I could find someone better.” I think this is a case of, you’re getting a little too close. I’m getting scared, so I’m going to push you away. Then now that he’s away, he starts to have nostalgic reverie based on your past relationship. He’s like, “Oh crap. What have I done?” He regrets the decision. He comes back. Do you think that’s in line with what happened, or is there an element that I’m missing here?

Jenny: No. I mean, it sounds pretty right on. He was very like, “I want to deal with this myself.” Then after having some time away, he’s like, “I really need you. I really need you in my life.” Not to his own fault, but I’m the kind of person that I kind of have to put up a boundary. I’m not going to do this for you. You have to figure this out on your own because I want to help so hard. That’s something that I have to work on myself, is I want to help you, but I can’t do it for you.

Chris Seiter: I don’t know about you, but I was always taught, maybe from viewing my parents, that when couples are having struggles, you help each other, right? For me, when I would start dating and date someone who had avoidant tendencies, it was almost like help… I wanted to get in there and solve the problem. It took me a long time to realize, like what you said, you have to almost stop yourself and be like, no, they have to solve the problem.

Chris Seiter: A lot of times, I’d be dating someone. They’d be crying. I’d be like, “Why are you crying? I’ll fix it. What’s wrong?” It was really hard for me to sit back and be like, I need to let them feel what they’re feeling. Do you feel like there was any of that where you’re like me, where you’re just like, “No, I’m going to help solve the problem,” and then just sort of backing up and being, no, I’m going to let them feel what they’re feeling?

Jenny: I am that person. I’m the, please don’t cry. What can I do to help you?

Chris Seiter: Right.

Jenny: How do we use fix this? I’m that person. He’s kind of the opposite, in that, “Oh, you’re crying. Maybe I should just give you some space.”

Chris Seiter: My wife is the same way. I don’t really cry that much, but when something’s bothering me… A classic example is when someone gets sick or when my wife gets sick, if I try to help her, she’s like, “No, stop.” If I get sick, I’m like, “No. No, come help. Dote on me.”

Jenny: Do all the things.

Chris Seiter: Right, yes.

Jenny: That’s pretty much the same for us too. I think in the opposite way, he wants to do it himself. He’s fine by himself, doesn’t need help. Then ultimately, when you get there, you’re like, okay, maybe I do need your help. Maybe I do want you here. We got to the point where he admitted that he was struggling. I said, “Well, I can’t fix this for you, or I’m not going to fix this for you, but I’m still here. I’m still here for you. You don’t have to do this by yourself, even if it’s just me just sitting next to you so you’re not sitting by yourself.”

Jenny: Ultimately, I think that’s where we got to. It was, again, like you said, very unexpected in that it happened and very unexpected in the way that we got back together too. I had gotten to that point where I was like, is this ever going to happen? Is he ever going to reach out? I definitely had those moments where I didn’t know for sure what was going to happen.

Chris Seiter: Were you ever at a point emotionally, because I hear this a lot from success stories where they get to this point where they’re just… They’ve been through enough period of no contact without hearing from their ex. Things maybe are not going the way they were expecting. They’re sitting there and thinking to themselves, “You know what? I just don’t care about getting them back anymore.” They kind of confront that reality, and they’re okay with it. Was there ever a point that you got to where you felt that way?

Jenny: I would probably say no, just because in the..

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[shivatheoutlaw]

Over the very saturated, polluted and muddy expanse of the Ganga in Kolkata, runs the Howrah Bridge. Although hyped by many self - proclaimed “bridge historians” (you read that right) as a good example of fine engineering, the cantilever and the projected joints always looked to me to be comparable to cheap asbestos, or at the very least, the silver knock off hazy aluminum ring that my gardener would wear with a huge ass glass diamond, which he would shine every morning with toothpaste. I was just mentally getting accustomed to accepting that in life, when another realization hit me – it looked to me like it was the first prototype of the game “Mechanix”. Tough luck for someone from Kolkata. Most children my age were raised to be in awe of it as well. So was I, but this wouldn’t be interesting if I yielded now would it. Now that I think about it, I never did ooze loyalty to the city like so many others. Infact, I thought I was the best product to ever come out of it, which believe me, is saying a lot. But the food was undeniable. I scowled at my producer as the car approached the bridge. I’d been talked into coming into this confluence of pseudo philosophical dhoti wearing, weed smoking, know it all, so called artistic hippie culture. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a one hundred percent advocate of smoking the ol’ doobie. It’s this holier than thou attitude of today’s young Kolkataiites that irks me to no end. Moreover, I find the degradation of quite simply one of the most euphonious and saccharine cultures in India, plainly indigestible. The higher you rise, the harder you fall, I guess. Just wearing a loose saffron colored kurta, with Om written all over it in red, growing out the beard, and talking Freud and singing Tagore, along with protesting every now and then doesn’t make anyone anymore philosophical than the life expectancy of Schrodinger’s cat. I, myself being one of them hated the fact that they weren’t anything similar. The fact that I had to come here all smiles, and talk about the culture, the food and the people, just made my mind itch with the need to say all of the above on camera, which I couldn’t because, well, contract, so fuck logic. Also, it’s good money for just talking, travelling, eating and drinking, with an occasional whiff of Idukki Gold, just to keep things interesting for me and myself a role model for the kids at home. To those of you with moral spidey senses tingling, relax, I’m kidding. Why would I take an occasional whiff of the stuff when I can smoke it everyday? Don’t get me wrong, I love Bengalis. Hell, I am one. I have taken rather a liking that they call us “Bongs” for some reason, need I say more? The 2016 Durga Puja, as you will see later in the book, was one of the most exhilarating experiences in my life, second only to another one which we will discuss in a while. But of the long list of things I find chronically capable of producing the ever eluding itch, the holier than thou attitude of my fellow brethren was fighting for a strong second. Anyway, on to the more relevant stuff. Now for those of you still wondering, the spontaneity portrayed in travel and food shows is choreographed more than an Ocean’s Eleven heist. The presenter talks to the host/chef/owner of establishment, etc. and is given innumerable chances to fuck it all up. The essence, as I mentioned earlier, of a place, can be surely found in its households, for there is created the actual, sensationally authentic ambrosia, passed down by muscle memory and word of mouth mantras from one generation to the next. It was to exploit the exceedingly pleasant results of these near congenital hand-me-downs, that I was going, or rather, was talked into going, to a Bengali household to sample (gorge) on the edible forms of godliness. Bengali cuisine is seraphic. It is one of the seven cordon bleus on which I find myself not requiring a second take on camera to talk about. Not difficult to find words when there’s plenty to gush over. The generous use of haldi or turmeric, as we know it, along with a little red chilly mix, specially prepared in an old stone mortar, salt, pepper, lemon and a generous toss of finely chopped coriander was only the marination for the rather unusually large pieces of fresh water Rohu fish that was but a part of the seven course meal that was being prepared. While my producer smirked at my constant attempts to steal glances at the food being prepared, his expression bellowing “I told you so”, we set up our cameras and crew for an interview with the man of the house, and later, his wife. “Good food”, he said, “is man’s best attempt to worship the Almighty. But what often defines good food is not the spices, not the cook, not the quality of the produce, or the place that you eat it in. No, what makes food good? What makes the final fruition of anything most satisfying? The time taken to grow the produce, the effort put in to cook it, and the hunger.” As I feigned my best expression showing my pseudo interest in what he had to say, my mind automatically locked on to those words. Hunger, time, and effort. Between snippets and pauses of “State of the Art”, Jim James, my mind began to put those three words into perspective, with, mind you, the music also playing in my head alongside the cerebration. What did it mean to actually work for food, such that you enjoy it even more when you finally eat it? No no, not the going out, earning money kind of work… but actually going out on a limb to find food when all you want to do is eat, and given the circumstances, that is the last thing possible. Perspective. Between my urge to get away from the family and live alone and unencumbered for a few days, I’d bawled my parents’ brains out into letting me spend a week with friends in Chennai. It was here that the above three words found perspective. It was also the reason I wasn’t even pretending to pay attention to the task at hand, because well, who’d recollect and narrate this particularly beguiling turn of events in the intervals of generous puffs particularly potent weed. The year was 2015. It was the start of my examination leave from work (I was interning with one of the “Big Four” accounting firms at the time, as was the diktat by the ICAI. I feel compelled to write that particular abbreviation in italics. Keep in mind, I do not want the reader to in any way imagine that it is because I think that it is of some significance… I want, rather, the reader to envision a sneer, and superimpose that feeling of spine, cervical and facial muscles onto the above mentioned abbreviation representing this bureaucratic confluence of biasness.) But I digress. For the lack of a better, readily available and remotely satisfactory arrangement at hand, and the immediate, unceremonious and prosaic start to my rather infinite syllabus of the Chartered Accountancy examination being the only alternative, which was restlessly propagated by my father, who, for the lack of a better explanation, had pretty much settled on the conclusion that no man required rest; give him books and he will study; give him teaching and he will excel, I booked a two-way economy class ticket to Chennai, for a week with my school friend SD, whose transformation from the typical controllable, hair partitioned school boy to a transgressive weed guru and ace computer programmer had earned my respect. Now remember, the timeline is non-existent, but the incidents themselves are well…interesting. Keeping that in mind, let’s get on with Chennai. I will not bore the reader with too much about the journey, which was quite uneventful; well, there was the guy who pushed his wife aside and hugged me instead when the aircraft went through some routine turbulence but that’s about it. About twenty minutes after landing at the Kamraj airport, I was greeted by my friend, and a few other soon to be mutuals. After gorging at the nearest pizza diner ( which was by no means near), we went to his place for the night. The next day we left for Pondicherry. My first time visiting. Pondicherry is the very embodiment of a place that beckons you to get out; to not sit at home, or laze around, or sit in front of your laptop, binge streaming Netflix. No, it screams hope. Hope, that maybe if one gets out and takes a walk among the delightfully magnificent port town French colonial architecture, amid the smell of flowers out of season, not too strong, mixing with the faint whiff of sea breeze resulting in notoriously fantastic and romantic notions, one might actually walk into someone else, with hope. It mimics the same pertinacious results casinos achieve when players, reeling from artificial pheromones in the air conditioning, unintentionally draw unaffordable lines of credit. I’m talking about that kinda hope. Indefatigable. But look at the bright side. You do atleast, get some exercise in. Whether you meet your soulmate, cycling down the promenade, or not. I was on a similar solitary and introspective walk ( I didn’t know where to hire a cycle) myself, enjoying the sea breeze on the promenade while my friends slept off their alcohol induced high in the hotel; I had an incredibly high alcohol tolerance back then. While chatting with the owner of a street stall after sampling his fantastically delectable fresh prawns, marinated in chilly tandoori spices, grilled and served on a cut banana leaf to customers, I noticed a cycle for hire stand on the other side of the road, with only a cycle to spare. Seeing a long stretch of promenade ahead of me, I made my way to the billing counter to ask for a couple of hours’ rent for the cycle. “Combien pour 3 heures?”, a girl ran up to the counter ahead of me, just as I was about to finally get a cycle for rent. “Excuse me”, I began, “I was here first, and was just about to rent the cycle.” “Mais c'est urgent!!”, she exclaimed. “S'il vous plaît laissez-moi avoir le vélo!!��� “Um…what? I’m sorry, my French is sketchy, at best.” “I am uh… really late for a party…?”, she seemed unsure of her English. Now before any of you, who are the quickest to judge, and I risk, most disinclined to empathize, I’d ended a quite intense relationship (oh trust me… we’ll come to that) and was on no account feeling charitable towards members of the opposite sex. “Well, since I got here first, and was about to rent it before you, I think I’m gonna take it.”, I said pretty coldly, coming off quite discourteous if I recollect correctly. “Oh come on uh…please!” “No.” I went over to the counter to pay. “You can atleast uh leave me?” “Hmph.” The girl was persistent, and well, there was a level beyond which I couldn’t feign anger. “Where to?” “The Du Parc Hotel, you have heard hm?” The ride was pretty much uneventful, and we arrived at the hotel in around twenty minutes. “Thank you for the ride uh…your name?” “Shivam. You’re welcome. Anyway, gotta get going.” “You have to go? It is a…um…open to all party…and we will get discount for couple!”, she sounded pretty spritely. I was thrown off track. I tend to get nervous when moments like these present themselves. I reminisced that my evening had begun with a simple walk, and here I was, in this um…situation. “Listen”, I began, but she was already talking to the concierge. “Come!” “What? Listen, I don’t even know your name!” “Ava. Now come, let’s go inside!” I think that in life, the truth about the end is not death. It is about the experiences that one goes through. The number of experiences, like Pokemon cards, determines the level of variety achieved in life. It is not about the paradigm of the experience, but rather the experience itself. It becomes essential, therefore, that one mustn’t be pinned to a particular paradigm of experiences. Take the good with the bad, or you might cloy; and above all remember, that nothing quite competes with simplicity. “Shivam! Get up man!” I was rather nonplussed at hearing SD’s voice. Still disoriented and with half my mind trying to recover from my inebriated stupor, I tried to make out what he was saying. “Hey man! You alright? I think you had a bit too much to smoke up.” “Whaa? Ava?” For someone who considers and takes pride in himself as a heavyweight in holding their drink, I was quite outdone by some exceedingly potent and undesirably good strain of marijuana. “Ava? Hahahahaha….dude get the fuck up hahahahaha…” The reader will not judge me, as I present in good faith that if you think you’ve done it all after trying the weed in Bombay, then you’ve got another thing coming. Well, atleast the dream was good while it lasted. But that is not what this is about. It is never about the eye of the storm. It is always about the aftermath. Aftermaths aren’t always bad. And when you get those ever worsening pangs of hunger after chimneying joints, a.k.a ze munchies, you know it gets better, because well, food right? “I’m hungry as fuck bro!” SD bellowed. “Let’s go out and get something to eat! Maybe we’ll also crash into some French chick called Ava hahahaha.” Did I exhort how I find my closest friends quite irksome? “Oh bite me.” “I’m hungry man let’s go and get something to eat!” “At four in the morning? Where do we get food?” It is here that I learned that good food is a matter of perspective. One might argue that there is nothing there is nothing contemporary about this particular observation. Of course, if you expend the better part of your reservoir on a few meals, they’re bound to be, they better be, few of the best meals you have sampled, because well, otherwise, what was the point? And ask yourself this, would you have spent so much on so little? On something that you don’t quite care for? And if you did, then wouldn’t you prefer that it wasn’t all for naught? It is this thinking that is often responsible for the jubilations on social media today. All the pictures of food uploaded, all the highly eulogized videos of nightlife experiences that viewers go into raptures about, and all the so called ‘vlogs’ about peoples’ highly publicized lives that all of us are so enamored with. But I ask the reader this: would you really pull out your camera and think about recording some occurrence, if it was really that frabjous? Or would you rather concentrate on the experience itself ? At this juncture, I quite fail to grasp whether social media has, in fact forced us to blur the line between the two possible explanations: did we forget to enjoy it because of social media or did we never really, in the first place? Or is it simply a case of priorities? That we infact, would rather have people think that we’re having a good time, at the cost of really having it? However, I digress. ​ Good food, is a matter of perspective. It is the hunger, time and effort that helps shape that perspective. “Finally!” said SD stopping the car at a dingy corner of the promenade at quarter to five in the morning. “Shiv, I’m effin hungry man.” The sea looked quite menacing to me at the early hours of the morning. It wasn’t particularly turbulent, but the view of the sea from behind the edge of the promenade, with a glimmering reflection of the moon and the gust of cold whiffs of wind almost gave me an impending feeling of vertigo. Aftermath of the weed, I guess. I looked away and concentrated on the place we’d just arrived at. In the distance, between the imposing sea-faced buildings and quaint little French colonial architectural bistros, souvenir and flower shops, all closed this early in the day, stood a vendor with his fare in a glass box street cart which stood on four wheels, and behind which a makeshift, gas powered stove along with a sandwich press grill, to which I noticed quite a number of people, including morning walkers, fishermen who wanted to grab a quick snack before heading out, and ourselves, were flocking. A closer inspection revealed he was selling anda bhurji (a miscellany of eggs, spring onions, lemon juice, sautéed with green chilies in mustard oil, to which water was added with a sprinkle of turmeric for color) with sliced bread, marinated in pudina chutney and dried, and then lathered with butter and grilled to a crisp, along with the usual assortment of cold drinks in a freezer box on the ground, coffee, and cigarettes. We ordered the works, two times over to go, and as I unwrapped the torn aqueous paper packing of the bhurji and the crispy bread in the car I could have sworn that I must have swallowed over a dozen times in anticipation. As I scooped up some of the bhurji onto a piece of the glisteningly fatty bread, covered in reduced chutney and fried in butter, I could not remember any other experience that rivaled this one in terms of anticipation. I mean sure, I do love food, but I care for it when I’m actually eating it. Here, the foreplay was almost unbearable, and as I greedily took as much of the bread wrapped egg mélange, as fast as my mouth could take it, it did not matter that it was quite hot and burned my palate, as the juices and marination from the egg, chutney, the melted butter which played with your tongue as you breathed in, but only felt the air strike against the thin, yet warm coating of fat around it, the chilies, and the distinctive crunch of the onions, harmonized perfectly with the perpetual gustation. I can tell you that it was the most gratifying meal that I’ve ever had in my life, and an impulse to ensure that it wasn’t the last. Perspective. See what I mean? It was here indeed that I realized that the line between gourmet and comfort was, but imaginary, a meridian, if you will. I stole a look at the Howrah bridge from the window as I returned to the conversation with the host and his wife. My producer looked on, as though everything was going as per plan, oblivious, with no modicum of an inkling, that I was relying solely on muscle memory and timing to have an ineffectual conversation at best, while sampling the best seven course meal in Bengali cuisine that I’d had in sometime, my mind relishing the simple bhurji from Pondicherry.