#i hope yall like this because i sure do
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🌙I wanna do what lovers do with you🌙
🌼I wanna walk the edge of the Earth with you 🌼
🌻I wanna say to you the minute we feel the heat🌻
☀️Would you be, my lover?☀️
M'lover - Kishi Bashi
#more trans obiwan for you#also i didnt wanna tag you because it feels rude but oathkeeperoxas if you see this its for u because you always say such nice stuff#in the tags and it makes me wanna draw more so thank u sm for that bcs ive been super art blocked recently <3333333#star wars#obi wan kenobi#trans obi wan#as always today is a good day to remember obi wan is trans#also is he wearing a skirt? perhaps :)#her deserves it#but also i just couldnt be bothered to make trousers work#i hope yall like this because i sure do#please reblog him#pretty please#star wars art#star the clone wars wars#star wars the clone wars#the clone wars art#tcw#star wars tcw#fanart#my art <3#my art#<3
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Have some Ted doodles- as a treat.
#was counting up all the times I’ve drawn my little guys and Ted is now at around 71#highest of the hatchetfield characters for sure#he’s just fun to draw#I get it Tinky#I understand your obsession#did these while listening to exam review#rip long hair Ted#never gonna stop thinking of you#yall ive got so many WIPs it’s crazy#after exams are over I’m not going to stop drawing#anyways how’re you#hope you’re doing well#all good things i hope#I don’t feel like going and grabbing my fact book so today you get one off the top of my head#fun fact: contrary to popular belief- tomatoes are not fruits; they are a category of vegetable called fruit vegetable#there is a heart scene in Stardew Valley with Demetrius and Robin in which Demetrius asks you if a tomato is a fruit or vegetable and#if you say vegetable he gets all huffy#this frustrates me because he says ‘oh you are a farmer you should know’ and DUDE I DO KNOW#ITS YOU WHO DOESNT KNOW#Anyways yeah#this has been the fun fact corner ft. me ranting about tomatoes#ted spankoffski#tinky npmd#tinky#tnoy karaxis#theodore spankoffski#tgwdlm#hatchetfield#Starkid#Joey richter
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Here's the bunny boy 🐇
Wasn't gonna make him a new ref at all until this idea came to mind, literally in a dream. I usually joke about it but it actually happened this time lmao
anyways, design is the same as it used to be, he's just bunny-ified now and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way 👍
#legend of zelda#loz au#character design#Legend (Kheprriverse)#kheprriverse#kheprriart#I'll probs fix some minor mistakes another time coz some things are bugging me. this was a very impulsive decision#hope yall like the bunny boy because i sure do#<- in context: I love bunnies/rabbits/hares so bunny legend is right up my ally all the time
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Alrighty Linked maze fans I hope you're ready, part 1 of 3 for catch-up analysis!
So our good friend Frulleboi has been absolutely cooking with these update's with three in quick succession and I am loving it cause I love it and is great.
This is for the beginning of the Soul Stone chapter. Soul stone part 1.
Now a link to the comic page can be found Here. Please go give it some love :D
For the important stuff!
Linked Maze belongs to @linked-maze and its wonderful creator @frulleboi. (You should follow them, they are wonderful) And as a heads up, Linked maze is for more mature audiences! :)
As usual, you know the drill, Grab some water, Grab some popcorn and prepare for me to ramble at you for however long it is!
Here we go!
Half an hour? So all the areas around with the environment that I spotted before won't help me for the moment?
Ohhhhhh boy
(I've got my eye on this)
Four... Four please.
Like wolfy has a good reason he is preoccupied but like you can just turn around for like 1 moment.
Wolfy really is the real mvp of this little team, he out here doing work! We love him.
Guarantee that the team will fall apart without the wolf who goes 90% of the work and has 90% of the team's brain cells.
"It was at this moment, he discovered..."
This panel made me laugh because of Four's shadow.
The disappointed look on his face, I think the shadow is literally me inside of this universe sometimes. He Craves chaos but also is just like 'Four what are you doing?' at every available opportunity.
Nooooooooo, Whatever do you mean four? God I love him.
And wolfy here is just like, 'My man can't you see I am busy I can't do everything.'
(Me taking notes of this tree on the left here. 3 branches, thin band and a thick area... thinking it's going to be a major landmark)
Then all of a sudden.
Hold up, I recognise this.(I think)
[TANGENT TIME]
I'm probably looking WAY TO far into this as we dont know how this maze works but)
This area here.
A thin band/wall with a larger area and moss on the wall looks KINDA Like the area where Sky meets Wild from back in Waking up PT5.
I know there's some differences between the grass and the tree, but the tree could be off-frame.
I'm not saying that Four (His looks like a newer version of the one we see here) is now in the same area as these guys, but I'm thinking he might be getting close to that region of the world map.
This could also be a clue as to how the maze works. Each region could look near on identical in layout while feeling so much different because of the changes in the environment. (New vs old walls, Tree's VS rock etc)
I feel like I need to get a pen and paper to explain this better, let me know if I do and I will do that.
While it might not be the exact same location, I think there might be more hints as to these guys being the ones we get the group up with next.
Moving on.
Oh man, again with Shadow this man just looks so disappointed with four i love him.
He's like, Are you for real?
There are so many thoughts going through his head. But I think these two do the work for me.
"My friend! Is he okay!" And thennnnn "Oh god im alone with Four"
Wolfy's facial expressions are top-tier in these updates and I love him sm okay.
Short and sweet. But it works either way!
Thanks for hanging out with me on this one, Hope to see you again soon when we hit the next one! :D
Have a great day!
#linked maze#linkedmaze#linked maze analysis#zelda au#links meet au#loz au#lm twilight#lm four#lm wolfy#comic analysis with major#ramble corner with major#suitable name for these#i love this comic its great#ahh yes the tangent#is it because i want to see Sky again (Maybe)#but can you see where I'm coming from? I hope so sometime's I'm not sure if i get my point across like i want to do#if yall want maps as to what i mean on my tangent ask me and ill do that
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i know it’s already a great day when i wake up and make my bed. because then that means i get to go to sleep in a made bed, and it reminds me of the simple successes in my life and it’s quite nice :)
(this is also a quiet message to love and take care of yourself, you need it. and trust me, you fully deserve it 🤍)
#i’m notorious for NOT making my bed#i never do#so i hope that every day that i actually do is a good day because that’s like a little motivator for me (?)#LOVE YOURSELVES RAAHHHHHH!!!!#YALL ARE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL#AND SO KIND#AND DESERVE THE WHOLE WORLD#LOVE YALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! /p#should i tag hopecore#sure why not#hopecore#rambling on and on
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idk since i made that post earlier i've just been thinking about all the ways adults were weird and shitty to me because i was gender-nonconforming as a kid. because i MIGHT grow up to be a lesbian or, worse, transgender. and how much it sucked to figure out my identity under those conditions -- where every adult i'd ever met had already figured out What I Was and hated me for it, and i had no idea. idk it's just sad. i'm sorry baby izzy went through that.
#like. i identified as a 'tomboy' until i was. fuckin. 14.#i had no clue i was gay or trans. i just knew people didn't like me because i wasn't Being A Girl The Right Way.#so when i started to realize i was actually gay and trans. it was doubly humiliating.#like. hey! yall were right! you got me! are you happy now! do you want a medal!#i mean. other kids were also weird and shitty to me for being gnc. but they didn't know any better.#there were so many full-grown adults though. who hated my fucking guts for it. especially friends' parents oh my god.#i had. MULTIPLE friends in elementary school whose parents deliberately sabotaged our friendship because they thought i was a bad influence#and i can promise you it wasn't because of anything i actually did wrong. i was a stellar student and extremely polite and well-behaved.#idk just sucks! just. sad.#i hope it's a little better for gnc kids now.#i'm sure it depends a lot on environment and specific families and their belief systems but. yeah. sighs.#izzy.txt
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#controversial slightly radical political take incoming#im so sorry but i cant stand the 'vote blue no matter who' crowd like yall are the reason why we are in this mess in the first place#pushing unpopular centrist genocide supporting candidates and then acting shocked that they lose and blaming liberals not voting-#when republicans would NEVER push a candidate as far left as biden and hillary are right and thats why they keep winning#and acting like committing genocide being a red line to not vote for someone is a bad thing be so fucking serious#they would vote for someone who supported the holocaust in the 40s as long as they called themselves a democrat while doing it#the fucking tactic of vote for our guy because the other guy is ~worse~ instead of giving people something to actually care about#ISNT WORKING OUT SO WELL HUH who would have thought#genuinely that is why bernie made it so far in 2016. because he made people hope that things could even start to change.#and unfortunately trump also did that for his base. and even more unfortunately. the dnc saw that and stomped it out. and then THEY lost.#fear mongering fascism to people watching protesters against genocide getting beaten by cops under the administration youre pushing#isn't exactly that convincing. sorry.#like yeah. we need the majority in the house and senate for sure. but president wise? you cant convince me there is a 'less' evil option#like how dare you even insinuate that after all that has been done in these past nine months tbh#i think its the fucking sugar coating that really pisses me off more than anything#like. you do not have to make biden out to be a good man in any way just to make trump seem like a bad one. thats already established.#youre voting for evil. either way. just accept it. there is no 'less'. trying to absolve yourself from that is what pisses me off.#and 'voting blue no matter who' is what got us all here in the first place. convincing ourselves that here is a less evil in every situatio#sorry. im done now. i just hate seeing all those guilt tripping 'well now you HAVE to vote' posts on my timeline.#politics
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i genuinely don’t know how i’m supposed to act at my age
#like when i have to talk to ppl my age irl they sound old af 😭 and im like are they old or just actual adults?#like i know when to act mature but when in the same age group i feel like i should have my adult voice on#like a customer service voice but more casual???#like for this get together i’m fear i might be one of the youngest ppl there besides like the children of everyone else 💀 like i can go#can’t***#hangout w them and later ima go see my friends and it’s more relaxed but it’s not like we talk about random shit#like we don’t listen to the same music watch the same shows or movies anymore#or they say oh i don’t have time for that or i don’t watch/listen to that many more#????? what do you do? and they’re not on social media besides fb or twt#like unfortunately i’m part of the chronically online 💀💀💀 but i can’t just be like oh im knitting this or crocheting that because that’s my#old lady hobbie i picked up in hs and they were like that’s old ppl shit#they talk about work but i find that so boring idc about what i do everyday that shit stays the same 😭#like it’s interesting to listen to them because i don’t do it but my job it’s same day in day out#and if we talk about fitness it ends up at oh i gained some weight or i lost x amount that means i can have a xyz and not care ….#we are mid to late twenties when tf did you get heartburn 😭 and wtf is that ??? i’ve heard about it but what do you mean??? when did that#start??? like yeah old bones and body aches but damn another meme post about it 😭 stop#like what did i miss when did i stop looking where did yall learn all this#at this point i think im just immature#like my random shit is gonna be ceo/luigi and sk then what i can’t bring up rap kpop spotify wrapped anime my excitement for some local yarn#how i don’t think lady gaga is a good actress or that im lowkey upset about the wicked movie#or that there’s gonna be an american psycho remake like they’re not gonna care#and i can’t be like tf is an appetizer ? that isn’t just restaurant and tv show shit ?#I CANT TELL THEM ABIUT MY PERIOD SHOES I FEEL LIKE THEYRE TONNABNOT LAUGH#my talking points are work (boring and same as always) old car accidents most recently accident (but not too deep) shoulder and back pain#progress maybe complain about grocery prices 😭😭😭#omfg wtf am i supposed to where to the get together with appetizers FUCK#is it chill to go in shorts and a tshirt ????? i’m sure they know we’re the ones smoking outside they can just assume i’m too chill#let’s hope someone has a baby and i can distract them w my ability to somehow charm babies 😭😭😭😭#omg what if their kids are blaming us for the weed smell !?? like imma not narc but i’ve seen them out there too#like idk if they’re college age but i don’t think they’re open about it and im the freak taking walks past midnight 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
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#this is veeery petty of me but i hate seeing the evn bckley loves tmmy kinrd and vice versa tags#like yeah i sure hope so? as im looking for a bcktmmy fic?#any tag that is USELESS is smth i hate upon sight like god please stop overcrowding your tags i know many people like me just scroll past#them because it is so unnecessary to the point of being inaccessible#like idk do yall really need to tag “gay tmmy knrd” isnt that kinda assumed already#i understand bi bck a notch more bc he being bi wasnt his canon sexuality till this year but otherwise it's just unnecessary#dont even get me started on other couples being tagged for a background cameo appearance#if it's not say les4les athena and hen which is smth people would look for or avoid#i dont wanna see your bddie/bcktmmy fics in the h3nren tag#okay rant over
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"the distance between sitting in the hands of the anemo archon statue in mondstadt and standing on the head of the statue of the omnipresent god in inazuma is exactly 6666m" how the fuck did you guys figure that out
#personal stuff#delete later#was looking into smth regarding the omnipresent god statue. weird she looks a bit like egeria huh#could just be a consequence of similar haircut and bangs + all divine beings in this game wear hoods as symbols of their divinity#but considering she was created directly by the shade of life. i imagine there might be a bit of resemblance there#which might be a hint towards the statue's identity?#like i know we all think it's istaroth but i'm pretty sure that's because she's literally the only divine god we know the name of#and bc she's wearing an eye of the storm AND the exact distance from venti's statue#considering they were. if not besties then they were at least both worshiped in mondstadt for a while#but yall thought nicole was istaroth too like come on#like it might make sense if ei's og plan was to collect visions and use the statue to stop time or smth?#but. we all know how that went. grimaces. thank god we don't have three-act archon quests anymore right#but her sticking visions into a celestial statue does make me curious about the responsibilities of the four shades#and if one of them either had something to do with the vision system or with the quote-unquote ascension system#like what the fuck did that line in neuvillette's ''vision'' story mean#about the gods receiving gifts after a vision holder completes their duty. HUH#just auuugh. ripping and tearing#hope we get to see a full design of egeria when furina's second story quest comes out in. 4.6 i think
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I need to bombard yall with my new bg3 characters bc I recently got back into the game and started a new tactician and honor mode save
#simon says#i like to make characters that parallel each other#so I currently have the two durges one of which was my main game#and now I have two Tavs#i have the world's sweetest guy ever and the world's saddest wettest meow meow#Also all four of them are drow#I started a new honor mode run bc I accidentally killed everyone in my last honor mode save with Poetry#anyways i absolutely will make pretty art of them#my two new meow meows#Kelzar and Woe#Kelzar is a drow cleric of Mystra and a absolute beefcake who is romancing Gale#and Woe is a sad little Bardlock who makes everyone uncomfortable with her presence and isn't gonna romance anyone#Kelzar is just here to be a kind soul and help others and Woe is here to cry and play music#I MIGHT change my mind and make Woe romance Karlach though bc of the tragedy involved in her romance and for an achievement#but yeah I should draw them because one of them is a goth jester girl and the other is a kind hearted magic hunk#Woe is also specifically a half-drow so she gets all the drow bigotry and none of the benefits or half of the cool lines#I absolutely wanna draw them because I am number 1 drow fan and I wanna push that excitement on yall#I've been focusing a little more on Woe rn since Honor mode is fun and she's a lil further along in the story#but Kelzar is an absolute delight to have with Gale#Kelzar 'wow this wizard is so cool & worships mystra more than I do I sure hope he doesnt tell me anything scandalous about our goddess :)'#ive been wanting to do a cleric of Mystra with Gale for a little while now and it is so fun#Woe is also pretty close to romancing all the men and keeps getting their events but she just goes 'ur my friend' bc she's not about that
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Even if you don't plan on stay around it's good to see you're doing ok, I was worried
It is GOOD to see you too man I'm sorry for worrying u 🙏 I missed y'all fr
#asks#latenitewaffles#koopa bro#it IS GOOD TO SEE U TOO MAN!! WHAT A TIME TO BE BACK#yall i did not mean to leave for what like 6 months 😭#im glad i did ill be honest very good for the mental health#went on a journey to heal and almsot failed college though 💀 we'll see for definitely in two weeks? i think?#and then im off on my job 🫡 moving out and everything scary stuff#BUT YEAH HOW ARE U!!!!#hope you dont mind me answering this publicly#but it has been a minute damn#i don't know what im doing with regards to this blog tbh 😩 im just gonna chill and see how it goes#id like to use it more ideally because i really did miss it and i missed talking about hcs and ocs and what have u#but i dont wanna overdo it you know#we'll see what happens yolo after all 🫡#idk did i mention it in the other tags but i saw rhe messages you guys left in my inbox and thank u 🙏#very sweet of yall#but that is enough of me rambling LMAO goodnight p3 remake wild af#we're not getting p6 anytime soon though thats for sure 💀💀💀
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Youtube | Spotify
CW abuse/trauma/ptsd. It's a pretty raw song (both in lyrics and the way Black Dresses preforms their songs) so listen at your own discretion.
This song really speaks so honestly to the deeply self-destructive spiralling for B, in my opinion. Speaking politeness through your gritted teeth with a lying softness, boiling over, letting it out, feeling it on your bared, snarling teeth, breathing out smoke, "is it me? am I the problem? am I the evil monster?", "its always been me", spitting up blood, biting the hand that feeds and ripping them the fuck to shreds to be left alone.
Lyrics under the cut.
Why thank you for your opinion What you think is so important So let's talk this out i love it You're so funny i hope you're doing well Thank god for the tongue in your mouth I'm so happy i'm so lucky I get to do whatever i can be myself But you know what? I have zero tolerance for Bad little shitheads Who only seem to fuck around
Same shit different day You need to fuck off you need to go away I don't wanna talk about it That's all that I came to say Get out of my space You worthless fucking fuckface
Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck do you think you are?
Hey bitch, what the fuck's going on? Is this how you wanna spend the Last few years of your life? Of your life? The last few years your legacy Your legacy your legacy your
You can hide out in your tiny little lair You can be the fucking evil monster terror Scared you can be the evil monster It was always you it was always you It was always you it was always you It was always you
It was always something I couldn't be That was just outside reality It was always something I couldn't know That I didn't know that I shouldn't show Because everything around me Felt just like a bad dream It was all or nothing Be the kind of person you hate or be
Hated for the things that you Thought were common sense Just a little further One day it will make sense Hold yourself a little tighter Your innocence
Preyed upon and vilified by Your blood and friends
Who am I if I can't assign a Name and place to what this is? Everything that's mine feels rotten from The touch of it everything all the time is a Message that I shouldn't be Who the fuck are you? Stay the fuck away from me
I want to love myself but Memories are killing me I want to live but all the years That came before won't let me be I want to love myself but Memories are killing me I want to live but all the years That came before won't let me be I want to love myself but Memories are killing me I want to live but all the years That came before won't let me be I want to love myself but Memories are killing me Memories are killing me Memories are killing me it hurts
#q music#trigger warning#abuse#ptsd#trauma#assault#im not really sure what to tag this cuz it can be a genuinely very triggering piece. so please genuinely just tread lightly#anyway ive actually had this in my drafts for 2 months and been sitting on it but listened to this song again and just fucking christ-#i just love it so much im so upset black dresses probably wont be making music anymore because of harassment cuz their work is SO HONEST!!!#anyway uhm this song is so deeply B-core#your 'legacy' your 'legacy' YOUR 'LEGACY' YOUR-#i genuinely ALWAYS feel so nervous to share such obviously deeply emotional and trauma-based songs or art and being like 'hehe my blorbo'#because I KNOW how that looks and I know how deeply that feels like im making light of it or making it an Aesthetic. cuz yall dont know me#and thats okay. thats just how it is i dont expect ppl to know me or my intentions through and through#but I really really hope people understand that my doing posts like this is very much coming from a place where its For Me too#like i deeply connected to this song so wrapping it up and giving that to B makes me feel not so bad <3#B is my lil guy that I dump my problems on and we hug each other as the storm passes over us both and then we're okay again#B kinnies and fictives and lovers we're all holding hands from knowing and I love you deeply#i have a MILLION thoughts on this for B. like i could write you a whole novel about this song but also iykyk. and thats just for Us.#so anyway im over explaining myself as always ah. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS SONG AS DEEPLY AS I DO <3#if i was going to make a new amv for B I would use this song. but im retired and the idea of trying to find a cracked sony vegas hurts me#LOL#also this is ok to reblog and/or interact with if youd like <3
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God I could and should write a whole fucking book by the end of this life here on Lev and his symbols
ill write it then burn it before anyone else gets a copy. or i wont. im supposed to be helping him this incarnation here to get a better anchor in this plane so maybe it would help more than itd be weird - im just getting from him the energy of "yeah no people already effectively have these things, people on my plane already know me inside and out to an extensive degree, may as well have it here too" you know. fair
#~abyssal murmurs#ugh god i love his tone saying that tho. i kept trying to prod to see if it was a ''ugh yeah people know me inside and out and Yes Its#Invasive But -'' but no#oh my god man. his like energy towards his people is..... BEFORE I SAY THIS#I HOPE YOU ALL KNOW IM ANTI PROPAGANDA. the biggest reason i dont work with Lu and others is bc theres this tendency to#be like ''we're darkness but also light! we're teachers we're enlightened we're pure in our own way and the kings are here to#teach you how to empower yourselves and they love all worshipers and they reject all tyrannical authority and they are the good guys#against the chrxstian god who (insert specific atrocity that actually was committed by the kings not the 'chrxstian god' - and#''demons'' should KNOW that because it was AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE WAR so either theyre LYING orrrrr) and we're actually#really down to earth and more holy than anyone else bc we're enlightened - i mean uh uh no wait that contradicts us being#against the love and light style of enlightenment chasing'' like. i will tell you that my boss has massacred a lot of people i will tell yo#im anti monarchy and i dont believe that the kings' peoples are any better than 'angels' and i will tell you a lot of innocents on both#sides have been lost bc of royalty and rich families the kings are directly tied to#so i hope you know that when i say the way lev treats his people in his mind is..... holy shit#i pick apart everything he does. ive seen sides of him that are dark af (and i love him for them lmfao) but as soon as his people are#involved... have you ever been w someone getting hot and bothered and a kid walks in that you thought was sleeping and you just switch#completely into parent mode like. he'll have complex fictions w me helping me write stories about corrupt monarchies and shit#and then no. he is like. hes very good at mindset switching and going immediately into different faces but i swear#his ''i am a king and a king is a head of a mass of people - a king is a servant to his people'' mode is like. impenetrable#he is so. fucking intensely single-minded and trained to be a king unlike anyone else. anyway what was i talking about#OH YEAH. his tone w what i wrote in the post. was so switched into that mode of ''my viscera is theirs to eat as Im splayed on their table#and this is divine ruling. this is my purpose with them'' type shit. PURE thought. there is no other energy i can find in it other than#pure ''this is my job and i do it''. pure as in distilled. a pure tone like a sine wave played on a synth as opposed to a string plucked#leviathan //#ive. im nervous about saying the shit ive said here lmfao but ive had his OK before to say it ALSO. AS I SAID. theres no way his people#dont know the massacre was done by the kings lmfao. like. yall were involved. and also you all have to know that one of the#people that pretends to be the christian god is. two of the kings actually and since lev commonly appears to people and lets them#decide who he is bc hes never arsed making a show of Being Leviathan and whatnot im sure hes been called God plenty of times#too but like. cmon. I dont know who started the ''oh the uh the invading heaven and killing off half the population was the#chrxstian god'' rumour but i was first exposed to it through lu and (his wife) worshipers so yall get the blame - that said...
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You all are so pro mental illness until they forget to take their medication.
You all are so pro mental illness until they start having delusions.
You all are so pro mental illness until they develop brain fog.
You all are so pro mental illness until they start forgetting important dates.
You all are so pro mental illness until they identify neuro divergent traits that you have.
You all are so pro mental illness until they start expressing their struggles.
You all are so pro mental illness until someone can't afford to go to therapy.
You all are so pro mental illness until someone can't afford their medication.
You all are so pro mental illness until it's something that comes attached with a physical health condition or deformity.
You all are so pro mental illness until it comes to advocating for better systems.
You all are so pro mental illness until your loved one becomes mentally ill.
You all are so pro mental illness until they need your help.
You all are so pro mental illness until it comes to doing anything other than saying "I'm pro mental illness."
yall are pro mental illness until they hallucinate
yall are pro mental illness until they dissociate
yall are pro mental illness until they self-isolate
yall are pro mental illness until they're paranoid
yall are pro mental illness until they split
yall are pro mental illness until it's too Scary for your comparatively neurotypical brain to handle
#ive been saying this#yall are pro mental illness until....#tw#mental illness#mental health#i feel like the world would be a better place if people just listened more.#did you know that the SUICIDE HOTLINE listed HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE IN THE WAITLIST AHEAD OF YOU for YEARS#and if you dont get WHY thats a stupid feature either you dont have suicidal friends or you dont listen to your suicidal friends#worst yet they STILL rely on you to “rate how youre feeling”#they rely on the SUICIDAL PERSON the DEPRESSED PERSON to SELF REPORT how they are feeling#you know the group that KNOWS THEY CAN BE PUT IN A WARD OR SABOTAGE THEIR SUICIDE PLAN FOR BEING TOO HONEST????#damn sure hope that group doesnt LIE to avoid being a burden or making their life worse than it already is#and the thing that REALLY grinds my gears is that people will have every intervention known to man regarding your mental problems#but then despite YOU being the one who is suffering with whatever mental illness you have#somehow THEY are the real victims because they deal with the EFFECTS of you BEING MENTALLY ILL#Oh im sorry jennifer is annoying that i cant get much done around here?#damn imagine if you had a thousand things you wanted to do but just never had the energy or focus to do them#wouldnt that suck???#you can find ACTUAL friends who are supportive of you and recovering from your mental illness i promise#they just dont label themselves anything other than “trying not to be an asshole”#most of the time the people who are FOR a marginalized group just see it as “being a decent human being” while most posers use labels#rant#and another thing#people are so much better than they used to be i can say that as a retail worker#they can be so patient and kind#but my thing is that no one ever listens#they tell you to “take accountability” but sometimes the thing they ask you to “take accountability” for is daring to make them feel unease#they tell you to “take accountability” and sometimes theyre right#but most of the time they ask you to apologize for existing#they ask you to apologize for not bending over backwards to accomodate THEM when YOU are the one suffering
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I can't stop thinking about you,
about us
and the spaces inbetween
your fingers and mine
bodies colliding,
breathing in each other's spirit,
inhaling,
breathing, in the spaces inbetween
The bus ride back from the school trip
shared learning,
it snowed a lot that night
you sat beside me on the way back
our fingers intertwined,
hidden
hands sandwiched between your leg and mine,
we hid our selves from the others.
we talked about everything
your dad, my parents
therapy
the concert
that concert, when I saw you
I'd swore to myself I was over you
That you didn't own me anymore
But one look and I crumbled
I needed you, at least, I think I did,
I wanted to need you, to want you
Does that make sense?
I'm in love with being in love
In love with feeling like I need you
In love with being needed, being wanted
I need to be needed,
need to be there with you,
Not in this inbetween, this space
breathing into the silence
I'm in love with the spaces inbetween
The spaces between your face and mine
At that concert, with our bodies squashed together
I really wanted to kiss you, then
I count the space inbetween
breathing in the inbetween
You always smelled nice
I dreamed about kissing you
Running my hand through your soft hair
Slowly counting down the spaces inbetween
Breathing them in, breathing in you
bodies colliding, morphing, merging
becoming one
I miss you
And the spaces inbetween
you don't answer my texts anymore
I hate it
I hate that I need you, or feel like I do
That I'm stuck here, discarded
In the space inbetween
The silence consumes everything
My thoughts echoing
far too loud for someone so quiet.
I get that a lot, actually
I'm quiet, usually
I'm too loud with you
You overwhelm me
And I think I overcomplicate
overcompensate
overthink
For example;
If I text you first, do I come across as too clingy? What constitutes being clingy, and how tolerant are you of me and my possible clinginess? If I use an exclamation mark, am I too forward, too excitable, too childish? If I use undercaps will I come across as noncommittal, nonchalant, uninterested? Will all-caps make you uncomfortable, as though I am yelling? What greeting should I use, and what are the implications of each- 'hey', 'hello', 'hi', 'heya', 'yo', 'wassup', 'sup'; the list goes on endlessly. Should I elongate the greeting, adding extra "i's" into "hi" to draw it out, or is that to childish, does it seem like I'm looking for attention?
On the other hand, if I leave the decision to you, if I wait for you to text first, what will happen? Of course, I will constantly check my phone even when my vibrate is on, looking for the notification that doesn't come, waiting for you to initiate contact so I can close the spaces inbetween us, or suppose you are going through the same thought process as I, and we come to the same conclusion, both waiting for the other to message.
And so it continues, so much consideration put into a singular text, one that I probably won't send, one that I might tap out.
I don't think you actually love me, or ever did,
I guess that's okay
In truth, I probably don't love you either
It's more likely to be the infatuation with the idea of love
I have a chronic addiction to romance
idealising, imagining, dreaming
Stupid fantasies gradually turning into expectations
High standards and expectations
I expected too much of you
Romanticising romance, thinking it would be perfect
I projected that onto you, my idea of a relationship
I think you projected onto me, too
Both of us falling not for each other but for what we perceived as the other person, which was really just a reflection of our insecurities and wishes
falling for ourselves, projected onto others
Twisted self-love for self-hatred
a sickening conundrum
it's almost laughable, don't you think?
Loving to hate ourselves
Hating to love ourselves
I think, somewhere, we got life mixed up with death
Romanticising our flaws which we saw as belonging to someone else
It's stupid, really
They're called flaws for a reason
I think I should let you know, you know
That someone who loves your flaws isn't really someone who loves you
You need someone who loves you despite them
Who sticks with you even when your flaws kick and lash out at them
I can't be that person for you anymore
I'm leaving us
and the spaces inbetween
of course, you've already left
haven't spoken in months
I just stand here in the space inbetween
a coward with too many thoughts and too little courage
All these words rolling around inside of me
I'll let them out eventually
Out into the inbetween, as I start to breathe again, not for you,
for me.
poem title: "Breathing inbetween". written 17 June 2020
#poetry backlog: issue 3#this one is from. a WHILE ago. like 5 years ago i think#i think its a bit dumb and long and rambly but im trying to get everything up as like an archive so here yall go.#i wanted to edit this before posting but... i dunno. it feels wrong to edit something now so old. almost sacrilegious.#just because i dont feel this way now doesn't invalidate what i thought i felt then. and what i did feel.#so it stays. long and rambling and a little embarrassing and yet it is.#such is the way of poetry i suppose#it was about the first trans person i ever met and how i felt i was in love with them#but it was actually the euphoria of knowing that being transgender was *possible*#and not knowing the difference between the two and the weird fucked up bond it created#anyway also that person is an asshole. so im glad we never dated and stopped talking#i dont regret meeting you but i am relieved that we have stopped the meeting. you know? im sure you do.#im sure you feel the same. i am sure you think i am a far more evil and malicious person than i ever was.#i think similarly of others that you like so much.#i hope you never find this.#i am glad i met you but i hope it never happens again.#poetry#poems#from the archives
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