#i hope this makes things a little easier for you all

[dollveis]

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀𝐅𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐒𝐇 !

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀you've got a fetish for my love

❝ ELLIE WILLIAMS ❞⠀ ✿ you always push ellie away because you're sure you couldn't work together, but maybe you can under the bed sheets. 3.3k words.

pairing. jackson!ellie x fem!reader content warning! mention of consuming alcohol, smut, vague plot tbh, the smut it's actually pretty light and there's more tension and making out than anything, a bit of fluff and maybe angst if you squint, kind of a enemies to lovers but they're not completely enemies (just don't get along), open ending, oral (r!receiving), fingering (r!receiving), top!ellie, bottom! reader, there's not really a dom/sub dynamic here.

☆ this is the first thing i've wrote in like a year and a half so bear with me please, this also has been sitting in my drafts for two years already and i finished it just now. i hope this isn't that bad! if there's any grammatical mistakes please let me know, english is not my first language, enjoy ♡

The party was obviously Dina's idea. She'd been going on about it for weeks now, how the younger crowd of Jackson needed a break, no one had barely time to just be and exist with all the patrolling, hunting and just surviving in general.

The party is already in full swing when you finally arrive, half the town's twenty-somethings crowding Dina's place. The warmth it's the first thing that hits you, the house is candlelit, the soft cracking of the fireplace and the strong scent of whiskey and woodsmoke fill your nostrils. The sound of laughter echoes from the living room, someone's half-drunk attempt at playing the guitar makes everyone laugh, you hear Dina's voice rising above it all, welcoming everyone, teasing people, just keeping the energy high. She really outdid herself, the whole place is alive in a way that Jackson rarely is.

And you hate it.

You immediately thought you shouldn't have come. The party is loud, too loud. It's not that you don't like the people here, you do, for most part, but crowds make you restless and you've spent the whole day convincing yourself that this? this isn't what you need, you should've stayed home but Dina insisted, said you were wound up too tight.

“Loosen up, drink a little, talk to someone who isn't your damn horse!” she said when she greeted you and saw that expression in your face, like if you were about to run back to your house.

So now you were stuck there, standing stiff against a wall, drink in hand and watching the room from a distance like it might swallow you whole.

Then your eyes land on her.

Ellie.

She's sitting in the corner, half sprawled on the couch, beer dangling from her slender fingers and her other arm resting lazily over the back of the couch, boots kicked up on the edge of a coffee table just if like she owns the fucking place. She's laughing at something Jesse just said, her head tilting back slightly, exposing the column of her throat. It's a rare sight— her guard down, her expression relaxed, warmth slipping through the usual sharp edges.

For a second you let yourself look, your gaze fixated on her. The way her shirt clings to her frame, sleeves rolled up to her elbows, her tattoo catching the dim light of the place. The way her fingers absently trace the label on her beer bottle. The way her green eyes flick across the room, scanning, searching, until they land on you.

There's a pause, a beat where neither of you look away. Then��

She smirks. Fucking smirks. She lifts her beer slightly, a silent acknowledgement of your presence, before taking a slow sip. She knows exactly what she's doing, she enjoys watching you bristle.

You scoff and turn away, pulse kicking up in annoyance. You and Ellie don't get along, y'all never have, she's stubborn, reckless, too sure of herself in a way that grates on your nerves. Every patrol together turns into a heated argument, every introduction a silent battle. It's not like she's mean, if anything, it'd be easier if she was, but she's just Ellie, all sharp words and cocky grins, pressing your buttons like it's a game. And she's determined to win it. For some reason she never lets up, not with you.

Maybe it's a game of push and pull and you always push first.

An hour passes, maybe more, two? you spend most of it trying to avoid her, talking to Dina, Jesse, anyone else but you feel her presence like a weight. Every time you glance her way, she's already looking, every time you move, she's just there and it's pissing you off.

You down the rest of your drink and push through the crowd, slipping down the back hallway, you don't run but you walk fast enough that it feels like it, you dodge Jesse's half-hearted attempt to pull you into some drinking game. You just need air, space—distance.

The first door you find is half open, a guest room, mostly unused since the bed was neatly made. You step inside, inhaling deeply, relishing the silence

Then the door shuts behind you, you don't even need to turn around to know who it is.

“Jesus Christ,” you mutter glaring at the ceiling, “do you ever take a hint?”

Ellie just chuckles, the sound low and amused, “Not when it's this much fun, to be honest,” and you don't even need to look around to know she has that stupid smirk plastered on her face.

You spin to face her, your eyes meeting her intense emerald eyes and your arms crossing tight over your chest, “What the hell do you want?”

She leans against the doorframe, her hand holding her chin like she was pretending to think, “dunno. . . maybe i just like seeing you squirm.”

Your jaw clenches and your fists close, “i'm not squirming.”

You see her smirk grow, a knowing look in her eyes, she looks at you like if she was able to read your thoughts and body language, like if she knew something you don't.

She steps closer, “no?”

You hate how easily she gets under your skin, how quickly she turns the air electric. The room feels smaller with her in it, the tension between you palpable. And the worst part? She knows.

You can feel the anger growing inside you, “why do you always do this?” you snap.

Through her lips escapes a soft chuckle as her brow raises, “do what?”

“This. You act like— like —” you exhale sharply, trying to put your mind in order and find the right words, “like you're trying to get a rise out of me.”

Another step, now you can smell the mix of beer and whiskey on her breath, the faint scent of smoke clinging to her shirt, “what if i am?” she says, her voice now lower, rougher.

You breath hitches, for a moment neither of you move, the tension is thick, suffocating, a rope pulled too tight between you, you're both too stubborn, too reckless, you'd burn each other out before you even had the chance to try.

Your heart pounds, your skin prickles, and fuck, you should push her away like you always do.

But you don't.

You take a step forward, closing the distance completely. Ellie doesn't flinch, doesn't back down, if anything she leans in, her usual green eyes now dark and heavy lidded, her smirk fading into something different. Something dangerous.

“You gonna keep pretending?” she murmurs close to your ear.

You don't answer, you can't because she's right and you both know it. So when she tilts her head, gaze flicking down to your lips— when she hesitates, waiting for you— you do the stupidest thing imaginable.

You kiss her.

The kiss is not soft, not sweet, there's frustration, months of tension unravelling all at once. Ellie makes a sound low in her throat, something between a gasp and a groan, and then she's grabbing you, fingers curling around the back of your neck, pulling you into her, pressing you against the door. The alcohol on her tongue is dizzying, her body solid and warm against yours and fuck, maybe you should stop. Maybe this is a mistake— but when she bites at your bottom lip, hands slipping under your jacket, pulling, teasing, demanding, you know there's no going back.

Ellie kisses like she fights, hungry, restless, all consuming. Her hands grip at your waist, pulling you impossibly close, fingers digging into the fabric of your shirt like she's trying to stake her claim. The taste of her mouth makes your head spin. You should stop, you really should, you keep repeating that to yourself in your mind but when she presses you harder against the wall, when she nips at your lower lip and swallows the soft, sweet sound it pulls from your throat— you don't. You won't.

Your hands move on their own, fisting into the front of her shirt, yanking her closer, until there's barely any space left between the both of you. You feel Ellie exhale sharply against your lips, a quiet, breathy curse before tilting her head to deepen the kiss. Months of pent-up frustration unraveling with every movement.

Her hands now drag under your jacket, fingers slipping beneath the hem of your shirt, her rough and calloused fingers grazing over your bare skin. The touch sends a shiver through you, your breath hitching as she maps the contours of your waist, ribs, back and dangerously close to your chest.

“Fuck,” Ellie mutters against your mouth, voice husky and almost desperate, “you're—” she cuts herself off, biting at your lip again before pulling back just enough to look at you.

Your chest rises and falls in tandem, lips swallowed and face flushed. And, God, that sight was delightful for her, she could feel herself getting wet just by looking at you, her pupils are blown wide, green eyes dark and unreadable as they flick between your lips and your gaze. She's still gripping at your waist, still pressing you into the door, but there's hesitation now— like she's waiting, like she's asking, like she needs you to make the next move.

You exhale, reaching up, letting your fingers tangle in the short hairs at the nape of her neck. She shivers under your touch, just barely, and something about that sends a thrill directly to your core, making you bolder and almost demanding.

You tug her back in, Ellie groans softly as your lips crash together again, her hands gripping tighter, wandering and exploring beneath your shirt, sometimes her hands traveling to graze your chest. She moves like she's trying to memorize you, like she's been waiting too long for this moment and doesn't want to waste a second of it.

Somewhere between kisses and touches she starts backing you up slowly, steady, until the back of your knees hit the edge of the bed and your stomach tightens.

Ellie pulls away slightly, breath ghosting over your lips, “tell me to stop.”

You obviously don't. Instead, you hook a finger into her belt loop and pull, letting yourself fall back onto the mattress, bringing her down with you. She lets out a breathless chuckle, bracing herself with her hands on either side of your head.

“Yeah?” she murmurs, voice teasing but still rough around the edges, like she's barely holding herself together.

You swallow, breath shaky, “yeah.”

And that's all she needs. She kisses you again, even deeper this time, slower, like she wants to savor it. The weight of her body presses into you, her thigh slotting between yours and pressing it softly against your core, the heat of her touch setting your skin ablaze.

She takes her time now, trailing her lips down your jaw, your neck and collarbone, her hands moving and groping deliberately, teasing your nipples over your shirt. You arch into her touch, finger gripping at her shirt, nails dragging lightly down her back.

Ellie exhales shakily, her lips barely brushing against your skin as she murmurs, “I knew you wanted me.”

You laugh, breathless and heady, tilting your head back as she marks your neck with her mouth, “shut up and prove it.”

And Ellie doesn't hesitate at all now, the second your words leave your mouth, she moves— lips tracing a slow path down your throat, hands now gripping your waist with just enough pressure to keep you grounded. The heat between you is unbearable, every inch of your body hyper aware of her. She really takes her time, dragging her fingers along the hem of your shirt but not directly touching, she's just teasing, testing. Like she's giving you again the chance to change your mind, like she wants you to stop her and you won't.

You tilt your head back, giving her more room to work, breath hitching as her lips graze over your collarbone. Your fingers curl into the fabric of her shirt, tugging her closer, needing more, she grins against your skin, clearly pleased, before shifting her weight just enough to pull your jacket off your shoulders, letting it fall to the floor.

The room is quiet except for your breaths and soft moans, the faint crackling of a candle in the dresser, the muffled sound of the party still going outside. It feels like another world, distant, unimportant. Right now it's just you and her.

Ellie leans back to look at you, her green eyes searching your gaze, “you sure?”

And that almost made you roll your eyes, wasn't the whole situation obvious enough?

You exhale, heart pounding and voice low, “Ellie.”

That's all it takes. She kisses you again, her hands slip under your shirt, fingers warm against your skin as she softly gropes your tits, sending a shiver down your spine. You press into her touch, drinking in every sensation, every little sound she makes as your hands wander, lifting the hem of her shirt, feeling the taut muscle beneath. She groans when you drag your nails down her back and the sound sends a rush of heat directly between your thighs. A slow, aching need building, making your head spin.

The bed creaks slightly as she shifts, settling between your thighs like earlier, her weight pressing you deeper into the mattress. When her knee makes friction with your wet and aching pussy, you gasp, fingers tangling in her hair, pulling her back down to you, lips meeting in a heated, breathless rhythm.

She moves like she wants to take her time, like she's been waiting for this moment as long as you have but neither of you have the patience for that.

Clothes come off in slow, teasing increments— shirts and pants slipping, fingers tracing new paths along the bare skin. You shudder at the warmth of her mouth trailing lower and lower, her lips leaving marks you know won't fade by morning. She's restless, enjoying every reaction, every gasp and sharp inhale.

When she finally, finally, presses closer, when her wet mouth meets your core through your panties, when her fingers tighten against your hip,it's nothing like fighting. There's no sharpness, no stubborn push-and-pull, there's no battle to win.

Just heat. Just the press of her body against yours, just the slow, aching rhythm her tongue sets, the way she whispers your name like it's the only thing she knows. Just her.

She pulled away her mouth for a moment, enjoying the sight of soaking wet panties, your own fluids mixed with her saliva. With her free hand she began to rub up and down your slit, the thin fabric of your underwear making the friction even more delicious.

The way she was edging is making you crazy, she finally decide to move the fabric aside, she iz quick to attach her warm mouth directly to your, already, sensitive clit as her two of her fingers make their way to the entrance of your needy hole. A gasp escapes your lips when you feel her calloused fingers teasing it at the same time she sucks and licks your clit. The humid sounds of her mouth making your arousal grow even more and she knows.

Her lips let your clit go for a moment, she speaks in a lustful, almost velvety, tone, “i prefer when you're like this and not fighting me back,” and you can't even fight or bite back, you just whimper in response and she grins before going back to work.

She finally stops teasing your entrance and she slips one finger inside you, slick dripping down to her wrist. She was quick to find your spongy spot and she presses exactly where you need and while a soft moans leaves your lips, she inserts another finger, feeling how your walls clench against her digits.

The feeling of her fingers pressing your g-spot as her lips latching onto your bud quickly turns to be too much, you don't even know where to grip, you feel like you need something to keep you grounded, your whines and whimpers music to her ears.

And you don't know how much time passes but the room is warm, your breath stutters as Ellie moves against you, her fingers shifting slightly inside you, every touch, every word, sending a wave of arousal. She's steady, controlled, like she's savoring every second, like she's engraving this moment in her memory.

You, on the other hand? You're unravelling, your hands grip at her naked back, your fingers pressing at her warm skin, desperate to keep her close, to pull her even closer. She responds with a quiet, breathy chuckle, but there's roughness to it, a slight tremor beneath her confidence that tells you she's just as lost in this as you are.

She leans in, pressing her forehead to yours, breaths mingling, eyes half-lidded as she watches you, “you're so fucking stubborn,” she murmurs, her voice rough and teasing.

You let out a shaky laugh, tilting your head back as her lips find your throat, “look who's talking.”

Ellie hums in agreement against your pulse, her grip tightening at your waist before she started to move again inside you, it was slow and measured but intentional, the way her fingers curl inside you pulls an embarrassing sound from you, but she swallows it with her mouth, kissing you deep, hungry. She doesn't let up, doesn't rush, just takes her time learning you, every sound, every shiver, every spot that makes your breath hitch. It's infuriating and intoxicating all at once, the way she knows exactly what she's doing.

And when she finally pushes you past that point, when you can't think, can't breathe, can't do anything but feel her, when you're about to hit ecstasy— she murmurs your name against your skin, like it's a confession, like she's giving you something she hasn't given to anyone else.

When the tension finally shatters, your fingers curl against her back, scratching her, pulling her down into you as everything blurs, melts, breaks. She helps you to ride your orgasm, cooing you with sweet words and praises even if everything you can say it's just “hah-ahh” and moan.

The aftershocks leave you both breathless, tangled in each other, skin sticky with heat and effort. Neither of you move for a long moment, just lying there, letting the world settle back into place around you.

Ellie shifts first, pressing a slow, lingering kiss to your shoulder before resting her head against your chest. Her fingers trace lazy forms over your side, absentminded.

You exhale, your body still trembling slightly, you lift a shaky hand to run through her hair, pushing damp strands from her forehead. Silence lingers between you, but it's not uncomfortable. It's new, uncertain, but not something you want to pull away from just yet.

The auburn haired girl lets out a slow breath, pressing a kiss to your marked collarbone before murmuring, “still think we don't work?”

You huff a quiet laugh, shifting beneath her, “i still think you talk too much.”

She grins, biting lightly at your shoulder in retaliation before settling back down, “yeah, sure,” a pause. Then quieter, more serious, “you're not gonna run, are you?”

Your stomach tightens at that, at the way she asks like she already knows the answer, like she's bracing herself. You hesitate, your fingers playing with her hair.

You don't know what this is, what it means, if it even means anything at all. Maybe you'll still fight on patrol, still push each other's buttons, still refuse to admit how deep this thing between you two really runs.

But right now, here, in the quiet warmth of this bed? You don't want to leave.

“No…” you finally murmur, feeling the way her body relaxes against yours at the answer, “not tonight.”

Ellie hums, pressing one last kiss to your skin before sighing, “good.”

And for now, that's enough.

[wings-of-ink]

Plans, Updates and News!

The Future (and why that's a little scary)

Hello everyone! I hope you are all safe and well.

I wanted to make a post to keep everyone in the loop of where I'm at personally and what that means for the future of my creations, and also give an exciting update!

How about the update first! After some concerns brought to my attention via this post. I decided to change the MC's best friend (Lakota's) name. I received a lot of feedback with reassurances that it was okay to keep this as his name, but at the end of the day, I realized it still has the potential to do harm. That's not what I'm about. Even if most people feel okay with this, someone out there may genuinely not be. The name is easy to change here, and it's not something I feel comfortable trying to justify or anything like that. It hurts me and readers less to change the name than it could by not changing it.

So, I had subscribers on Patreon and Ko-fi vote on a new name! I chose a list starting with 7 names. Voters narrowed down the selection to a top 3. The first 7 were: Kuno, Thamir, Emre, Lailoken, Kalei, Avi, and Asa. After the first round of votes, we narrowed it down to: Emre, Lailoken, and Kalei.

And the winner is...

Emre!

The name will be updated in a future patch!

Up next, I'll give you a heads up on future developments. Here I'll dip into a bit of my personal life. I'm not dipping too far for my comfort zone, and I might put a few things...delicately. But I want you to know what's up and where my head is at right now and why.

So, the second IF is likely not going to happen right now - I think (more on that below). I am not writing this to "stir the pot" or create fear or debate, but it's no secret that things in the States are super not okay. This happens to be where I am. My future is feeling rather uncertain and unsteady and some days I am just scared and not just for myself and loved ones. I am not going to go into all the little details, but my time is already at a premium with working full time and my personal life, and that free time is about to get a bit more narrow in the next 6 or 7 months.

I am prioritizing God-Cursed and Subscriber benefits and have decided that now is not the time to start a second project. I would rather focus on getting GC updates out if my extra time will have more limitations.

Now, the reason I said "I think" it's not going to happen is that - frankly - I'm at risk for suddenly losing my job. Yaay, go me! Part of what I do is funded through the federal government. I'm not employed through them directly, but no money for social services means I'm out of work. If this happens though - I'll have the time for a second project! Yaay???

My partner and I have some emergency plans in place for all kinds of things that might happen be it job loss or something much worse. If this happens, I will prioritize and expand my subscriber benefits to help us survive financially until more work can be found. I am already looking for a new job since the uncertainty is...difficult.

So, if I do find myself with extra time and still employed, I will work on a short story-based IF instead where you can romance 1 character per story. It will be much easier to produce than a fully plotted game. It will likely be a subscriber-only project, but full stories should be released at once (fully interactive with optional spice of course). If I lose my job, you can expect details on a new public IF shortly after, lol.

Okay, moving on to happier things...March is like...here. And March is Duri-month on Patreon and Ko-fi! Around the middle of the month you can expect a cute extra story featuring our favorite demigod for the "Crows" tier and a spicy extra for the "Ravens" tier. I anticipate posting around the 15th or 16th.

Here's a sample!

Currently chapter 6 sits at around 15k words and the first section of it is done (just needs some editing and the like). I'm also making my way passage by passage in previous chapters to improve grammar, word choice, coding, etc....

Anyway, I think that's everything! Take care and be safe!

~Lunan ^_^

[the-cosmic-cauldron]

🌸 Spring’s Coming: What’s Happening To You In March Based On Your Moon Sign🌸

February has passed, and now we’re welcomed into a new month: March. The month when the cold days that make us curl up under a warm blanket with a hot cup of tea begin to transform into sunnier days. The sun’s rays shine so deeply into your room that their warmth feels almost furnace-like. When you step outside, there’s still that slight chill in the breeze, but it reinvigorates your body and helps you breathe a little easier. Spring is just around the corner. March is here, and before we know it, the cherry blossoms will bloom, flowers will sprout, the grass will turn greener, and the air will remind us of all the beautiful, precious moments.

Today’s reading is a collective one, based on your moon sign, offering insights into what March holds for you in terms of love, career, and emotional well-being. It may not resonate with everyone, but there should be some truth in it that speaks to your month ahead. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and have a blessed one.

Aries Moon: Avoidance, Loss, and Impatience

Love

In terms of love, this month feels like a time of avoidance for Aries. You are stuck, heavily reflecting on the past, and there’s a noticeable hesitance in moving forward. The main issue here is avoidance—you’re avoiding addressing the unresolved matters within your relationship that are holding you back from progression. You may feel lost when it comes to how to move forward, and that’s because communication is lacking. You are not talking to the person you care about or are interested in, and there’s a chance they may be avoiding you too.

While there’s a desire to connect, have fun, and make exciting plans with this person, you’re holding back. In order to do so, though, you’d need to open up and have a conversation. This lack of communication makes the energy feel stale and stagnant in your love life throughout March. There is a lot of potential, but without addressing these issues, progress will be difficult.

Career

For Aries in March, there may be job loss or job transition. Some of you may experience being laid off, fired, or choosing to walk away from your current position. This will not be an easy process—it will feel like the job has discarded you, leaving you in a vulnerable financial situation. However, this career setback has a silver lining. Although it may initially feel like a blow, this loss is actually designed to push you toward something better, something that aligns more with your purpose.

As you go through the struggle, there will be opportunities for growth. You’ll be motivated to look for better opportunities, perhaps in areas you hadn’t considered before. Despite the difficulty, this can ultimately open new doors for you.

Emotional Themes

March is a month where emotions are running high for Aries. You’re driven by goals and ambition, and you have a sense of urgency about achieving what you want right now. However, there’s a lack of patience and a struggle with work ethic, making it hard to execute those goals. The desire for immediate results clashes with the reality that achieving your ambitions will take time and effort. This internal conflict could lead to pessimism and frustration.

You might feel disheartened at times, as things are not moving at the pace you’d like. However, there will be a moment of emotional clarity later in the month. During this time, you’ll take a step back, introspect, and come to realize that you’ve been pushing too hard and approaching things the wrong way. This self-reflection will help you regain balance. You’ll understand that things take time, and you’ll start to approach your goals with more patience and organization. Ultimately, you’ll move toward a state of emotional fulfillment and steadiness, overcoming the negativity that may have plagued you earlier in the month.

Taurus Moon: Lucky Lover, New Money, A Break From Someone

Love

For Taurus Moons in March, the beginning of the month brings a tendency to overthink your love life. You may find yourself staying up late, preoccupying your mind with thoughts about someone, or driving yourself crazy mentally. This overthinking is excessive and not reflective of reality. It may stem from past experiences that have caused stress when it comes to approaching relationships.

Despite the mental strain, you’re on a great page with the person you’re dealing with. There’s harmony between the two of you, as you both align with each other’s desires and preferences. Communication is flowing easily, and there’s a sense of reassurance in the connection. Luck seems to be on your side this month, with positive circumstances that bring unexpected good fortune. Some things may happen that you didn’t anticipate, leaving you thinking, “How did this happen? How is this so great?”

Career

In terms of your career, Taurus Moons are likely to experience a fresh start this month. You may have been feeling unfulfilled in your current job and unable to continue with the emotional exhaustion and frustration it has brought. Now, you’re ready to move past that disappointment. March is a powerful month for you to apply for a new job or explore new career paths. You are ambitious and eager to manifest change, no longer willing to wait or take your time. You’ll actively jump on any opportunity that comes your way to make it happen. This is a month of stability and financial prosperity, as you move toward a more stable path in your career. You’re not hesitating to take on this new chapter.

Emotional Themes

Emotionally, Taurus Moons in March will start to feel incredibly capable. There’s a revitalization of confidence and a renewed sense of empowerment. Things that once seemed difficult or out of reach now feel achievable. This shift in perception will bring a total transformation in your mindset and life journey. You’ll feel not only more capable but also more aware of yourself and your surroundings.

However, there may be a falling out with someone this month, likely due to disagreements or being on different mental pages. You may find yourself questioning, “Why did this fight happen? Why did this argument take place?” While you may want to walk away from the situation without engaging in drama, the conflict could leave you reflecting on the intensity of the exchange. You might feel a bit avoidant, retreating into your own world and steering clear of further drama.

Gemini: Non-Committal, Powerful Networking, Unfulfillment

Love

For Gemini Moons in March, there is a lack of commitment in your love life. Some of you may be cheating or being dishonest, sneaking off and engaging with someone else, only to return to your partner as if nothing happened. This dishonesty is causing tension in your relationships.

Others of you may have recently gone through a breakup or will experience one this month. Even if you’re still together physically, there’s a disconnect emotionally and mentally. There’s a lack of affection and intimacy, and the bond feels weak. The relationship may feel like you’re together but not truly united. There’s no real closeness or affection, and the maturity needed to address these issues is lacking. Neither you nor your partner seem willing to resolve the situation or acknowledge the disconnect. You may be avoiding responsibility for the state of the relationship and are focused more on selfish desires, like seeking personal pleasure and indulgence, while neglecting the relational aspect.

Career

Career-wise, March looks to be an exciting and powerful month. You’re in a highly creative space, full of ideas that you can execute. You’ll be making important decisions that could have significant payoffs for your career. There are powerful moves ahead, and you’re in a position to make things happen.

Networking opportunities will also be abundant this month. You’ll meet people who could offer you the potential to level up in your career. It’s a social month in terms of your career, and you’ll be engaging with others who can help you grow. Your desire for exponential growth is strong, and you’re taking the steps necessary to turn that into reality.

Emotional Themes

Emotionally, Gemini Moons are experiencing heartache and pain in March. You’re feeling mentally exhausted and beaten down, and you may be struggling with feelings of unfulfillment. There was an opportunity that you thought would be rewarding, but it slipped away, leaving you feeling disappointed and regretful.

You’re struggling with emotional confusion and fear about the future, and you may feel emotionally stagnant. There’s a sense of shrinking away from others and even from yourself. You’re finding it hard to nurture and care for yourself in the midst of this emotional turmoil. There are a lot of mental blocks and growth obstacles that make it difficult to move forward. In March, you may feel emotionally low and overwhelmed by the challenges you’re facing.

Cancer Moon: Lingering Pain, Tension At Work, Stuck On The Past

Love

At the beginning of March, Cancer Moons will experience feelings of deep hurt. Someone may have wronged you, either by cheating or saying something that deeply affected you. You will likely feel like this is the end, and your hope for love might seem dim, especially at the start of the month. You may spend time wallowing in the pain, as it becomes a major emotional theme in March.

However, this emotional state will linger, though it won’t last indefinitely. As the month progresses, you’ll begin to go out more and engage with others. You may find yourself on dates and enjoying the company of a lover. There may be moments of fun, indulgence, and perhaps even drinking or using substances together, though it’s likely to happen in public settings surrounded by people rather than intimate, private moments.

In terms of commitment, March seems to bring a shift, and by the end of the month, there could be a solidified commitment with the person you are involved with. You may find yourselves thinking about the future and making decisions together. It’s a surprising turn, going from feeling hurt and disconnected to enjoying yourself and even receiving commitment from a partner.

Career

In February, you may have felt like you were burning out at work, overextending yourself. However, in March, you will gradually begin to recover from that burnout, finding a balance and incorporating more relaxation into your work routine. This shift will lead to positive results, and you’ll feel more confident in your career. There may also be recognition and accolades coming your way, which is likely to boost your confidence even further.

Additionally, someone at work may have developed a crush on you or is keeping an eye on you, which could add a bit of intrigue to your work environment. Despite these positive developments, you may still struggle with certain conflicts at work. You may not see eye to eye with some coworkers or have difficulty deciding how to approach specific tasks. While you’re shining in your career, the desire to do too much could lead to overextending yourself again, causing conflict and potentially burnout if you’re not careful. It’s important to balance your ambitions with self-care.

Emotional Themes

Emotionally, Cancer Moons will find themselves relying heavily on others for support, encouragement, and enthusiasm throughout the month. Your support system will be a vital source of strength, helping you navigate emotional challenges and enjoy yourself in various ways.

However, despite this support, you may still feel stuck on something from the past. There could be a mental roadblock preventing you from fully moving forward with certain emotions, making it difficult for you to process or let go of past feelings. These unresolved emotions might cause a sense of being overwhelmed, and you could feel like you’re emotionally unstable or disrupted throughout the month.

This emotional intensity may cause you to feel uprooted or unsafe emotionally, and it may take some time and effort to ground yourself. You’ll likely need to confront these destabilizing emotions and work through them in order to regain emotional equilibrium.

Leo Moon: Cutting Through The Bullshit, Taking A Break From Work, Emotionally Unstable

Love

In March, Leo Moons will experience tension in their romantic connections. There will be too much energy between you and your partner, leading to conflict. Both of you may want each other but have different desires and approaches, causing a clash. This tension will dominate the beginning of the month and could feel like a collision between your needs and expectations.

However, by the end of the month, there will be a breakthrough. The cycle of conflict you’ve been experiencing—possibly since February—will come to an end. A new phase will emerge in your romantic life, marked by change. You’ll be stepping away from old patterns and entering a period where you’re more focused on clear, mature communication. This shift will bring peace, balance, and stillness into your connection, allowing for smoother and more constructive conversations. If you’re in an existing relationship, this will significantly improve the dynamic. If you’re starting a new connection, it will feel clear, communicative, and balanced.

Career

In February, you may have been overworking and using a lot of mental energy in your career. However, in March, you will likely feel the need to take a step back. You may seek rest, take vacation, or prioritize things like early bedtimes to rejuvenate yourself. You’re no longer interested in pushing yourself too hard and want to take a break from the constant grind of work.

Despite this desire to rest, there will still be some blockages in your career growth. You may struggle with feeling grounded and finding your flow, and there may be difficulty flourishing in your work. You will find it challenging to invest your energy into your career in March, and this struggle could lead to tension. You might be torn between withdrawing and needing to do more, pushing yourself hard at times, and not realizing how this might negatively affect your well-being.

This tension between rest and work could create emotional instability in your professional life. You may feel like you’re not seeing things clearly or might overcommit again without realizing it, falling back into old habits of overwork. It’s important to find a balance between nurturing yourself and your career.

Emotional Themes

March will be an emotionally unstable month for Leo Moons. You may feel like you have little control over your emotions, and there might be a desire to withdraw from others. You won’t be as open about your feelings or experiences, preferring to keep things to yourself. This could be a time where you’re focused on deepening your emotional understanding and following your intuition, but it’s possible that your emotions will come up suddenly and strongly, prompting you to act on them without fully processing or considering the consequences.

There could also be difficulty connecting with others—whether with friends, family, or romantic partners. You may feel disappointed or isolated emotionally, leading to moments of acting impulsively based on your emotions. Instead of taking time to reflect, you may make decisions on the fly, which could lead to feelings of regret or frustration later.

Virgo Moon: Emotional Coldness, Unstable Work, Nostalgic

Love

In March, Virgo Moons will experience some emotional coldness in their romantic connections. There’s a lack of nurturance in the bond between you and your partner, which is causing a sense of disconnection. Your focus is still on the relationship, but you’re trying to avoid being overwhelmed by emotional tensions, particularly as you work to balance your personal life and responsibilities.

While you may desire a passionate and sexually charged connection with your partner, it seems that you are suppressing these desires in favor of focusing on the practical aspects of life. You’re trying to see if this emotional distance will pass, while also managing other aspects of your life, including work.

Career

March will bring instability in your career. There are blocks in your progress, and goals may not be completed as expected. Procrastination, lack of organization, and a general lack of creativity may hinder your work performance. You might not feel enthusiastic or engaged with your job, and this lack of motivation will have an emotional impact, leaving you disappointed and dissatisfied with your work life.

However, by the end of the month, you may make an effort to turn things around. There will be roadblocks and challenges, but you’ll likely try to implement changes and take actions to achieve your goals, despite the obstacles.

Emotional Landscape

In March, Virgo Moons will feel nostalgic and may want to reconnect with their childlike self. You’ll crave freedom and a break from responsibilities, wanting to spend time in nature, around children, or engaging in creative activities like drawing or coloring. You may find yourself longing for a sense of playfulness and lightheartedness during this time.

Despite the challenges, March will bring moments of pride and confidence. Something will go well for you emotionally, making you feel free and on top of the world. There are blessings and emotional growth on the horizon, which will lift your spirits.

However, you may also struggle with a sense of laziness, not wanting to do much, and a tendency to be swept away by strong emotions—even if those emotions are positive. This may lead to emotional immaturity, as you might have difficulty grounding yourself and might get caught up in your emotional states. This could result in moments where your feelings take over, preventing you from staying grounded.

Libra Moon:Breakthroughs,Difficult Communication,Disconnected

Love

In the month of March, Libra Moons will experience a breakdown in their love life before a breakthrough occurs. There’s a sense of pettiness and immaturity in the communication between you and your partner. Conversations seem to repeat, and there’s a lack of resolution, with no clear solutions being found. It feels as if one or both partners are more focused on their own interests, making it hard to have a meaningful conversation—one where both are talking to each other, rather than just at each other.

For a period of time, the arguments and mental conflicts will persist. However, a shift occurs, and the energy moves from mental disagreements to an emotional breakthrough. Eventually, there will be a conversation that focuses less on the logical and mental aspects of the relationship, and more on expressing emotions. This emotional revitalization will bring a new beginning, allowing you both to reconnect emotionally and build a deeper bond.

Career

In your career, confusion and lack of clarity will persist throughout March. You may feel uncertain about what steps to take next, possibly due to an aversion to confrontation. There’s a sense of things being left unsaid, leading to a buildup of unspoken tensions. Your fears and overthinking might cause difficulties in communication at work, leading to misunderstandings or heated arguments during conversations. This could destabilize the work environment, making it less exciting and leaving you feeling dissatisfied with your job.

Despite these challenges, by the end of the month, there will be a shift towards more balance and clarity. While there will be moments of emotional confusion and chaos, you will gradually begin to focus on restoring harmony in your work life. You’ll approach work with a more mature mindset, seeking to manage relationships and work dynamics with greater stability. By the end of the month, after navigating through some initial difficulties, you will find a clearer path forward and regain balance in your career.

Emotional Landscape

Emotionally, Libra Moons may experience some coldness and a sense of disconnection in March. You may not feel fully nurtured or aligned with others, leading you to take more time for yourself. There’s a need for introspection as you seek clarity about your next move. You may feel unsure about what direction to take and will likely focus on grounding yourself.

Rather than becoming overwhelmed by emotions, you’ll focus on balancing them by reflecting and spending time alone. This will allow you to restore emotional equilibrium and prepare for a more stable emotional state moving forward, particularly as you approach April. It’s a time of self-reflection as you seek to understand what’s truly important and how to regain emotional stability.

Scorpio Moon: Break From Your Lover, Balancing Work, Standing Your Ground

Love

In February, you were deeply focused on your person, trying to communicate and resolve issues. However, it seems that your efforts were not as successful as you’d hoped. As a result, you’re taking a step back from this person in March. This break is necessary because the situation became mentally exhausting, and you didn’t want to continue putting yourself through that.

However, this break is also causing some instability and powerlessness in your life, as you likely wanted to keep moving forward with this person instead of taking a break. Despite the discomfort, this time apart will be helpful in shifting your mindset. You were overburdened by the situation, and the space is allowing you to start unpacking the mental distress and relieving yourself from the negative thoughts that had been weighing on you. By the end of March, you will begin to feel freer mentally, as the break gives you the space to reflect and reset.

Career

In your career, things will start to ease up in March. You’re no longer feeling as overwhelmed, and you’ll find it easier to delegate responsibilities and tasks. This shift will bring relief, especially considering the stress you’ve been under at work. You’ll find yourself operating at a more manageable pace, and you will have time to breathe, reflect, and even daydream—an unexpected but welcome change.

That said, the beginning of March will still be busy and full of challenges in your work environment. There will be a lot to juggle, and you may experience some frustration due to the demanding nature of your job. However, you will persevere through these challenges, and by the end of the month, you’ll achieve the balance you’ve been seeking in your work life.

Emotional Landscape

Emotionally, Scorpio Moons will be in a place where you’re not willing to tolerate much this month. If someone tries to push your emotions, you will stand your ground and assert your boundaries. This is a sign of emotional growth, as you’re no longer willing to be passive in emotional situations. You’re now firmly standing up for what you believe is right and for the emotional strength you’ve developed.

However, before this emotional empowerment takes place, you’ll go through a period of emotional pain, feeling bogged down by negative emotions. In the early part of March, you may experience pessimism, emotional exhaustion, and hurt. This is compounded by a sense of betrayal and a struggle with trusting others in the future. After this period of emotional difficulty, you will rise stronger, implement your boundaries, and stand up for yourself in a way that reflects the emotional growth you’ve undergone.

Sagittarius Moon: Ice Cold Heart, Locked In, Facades

Love

In March, it seems like you’re feeling unfulfilled in your love life. You desire someone who truly cares for you, nurtures you, and gives to you, but you’re not receiving that from your partner. There’s a feeling of coldness and neglect from the person you’re involved with, which is painful and deeply hurtful. Your heart is feeling heavy, and you’re experiencing significant emotional pain. You’re emotionally upset, and it’s difficult to focus on the situation because you’re overwhelmed by the demands in other areas of your life.

However, despite the emotional turmoil, the end of March brings a new beginning. There’s a shift in your love life, and you may meet someone new, or you may experience a fresh opportunity in your current relationship that can help you break free from the emotional slump you’ve been in. This shift will bring spontaneity and adventurous energy into your romantic life, whether you’re single or in a relationship. The energy of spring brings exciting and positive changes, creating a more exciting and fulfilling dynamic in your love life.

Career

In your career, March is a time for serious focus. You are determined to improve and make great strides in your professional life. Everything you do at work is aligned with your long-term goals. You are highly invested in self-improvement and are dedicated to advancing in your career, whether that’s through a promotion, a new position, or enhancing your skills. You may even be taking courses or going back to school to aid your career growth.

While you’re focused and committed to success, the month will be busy and demanding. You’ll face non-stop action and back-to-back tasks, making it difficult to catch a break. However, the hard work will pay off, as you are likely to see financial rewards. March will be a month where you’re serious about your career and putting in the effort to build stability for your future. Though the workload may be overwhelming, you’re taking the necessary steps to reach your goals, even if you’re struggling at times to handle everything on your own.

Emotional Landscape

Emotionally, you’re going through a lot in March. On the outside, you may be projecting an image of strength and success, showing the world that you have everything together. However, internally, you’re struggling. One of the biggest emotional challenges is your tendency to ruminate on past situations, which has become unhealthy. You know it’s not good for you, but it’s hard to stop.

You’ve spent a lot of time processing your emotions and trying to make sense of everything, but you’re hesitant to admit that you need time to yourself. Instead, you try to act like everything is fine, even though you’re not truly okay. There’s a sense of emotional exhaustion, and at times, you may feel like giving up. You may even entertain the thought of just walking away from it all, but deep down, you know you need to keep going. Despite the emotional obstacles, you are trying to gather yourself and put on a strong front, showing others that you’re fine, even though you’re still dealing with a lot behind the scenes.

Capricorn Moon: Unfinished Business, Blessings, Analytical

Love

For Capricorn Moons, March brings some significant shifts in love. There may be something that has been left unspoken or unresolved in your relationship, and it’s starting to affect the connection. It feels like there’s an unspoken awareness that the connection is fizzling out, but no one is taking responsibility or acknowledging it. For some of you, this might result in a breakup, or simply the relationship slowly losing its spark.

Both you and your partner might have been passive for some time, but things are about to change. Someone is going to step up and finally address everything that has been left unsaid, asserting their feelings and desires. It could be a moment of clarity, where the relationship either ends or moves toward resolution. If there has been a period of disconnect or a break, this month marks a turning point.

An ex or someone with unfinished business in your life might return. This person will re-enter your life with a positive and mature energy, bringing blessings rather than negativity. The connection could feel fated, as if they came back at just the right time. They’ve become clearer and more assertive, and they’ll likely be bold, excited, and passionate when they approach you. This person might even exude a strong sexual energy and be very attractive. Whether you’re open to them or not, expect some unresolved matters to come back into focus.

Career

March is a blessed month for Capricorn Moons in terms of career and finances. Whether you’re starting a new job, getting a promotion, or launching a business, there’s a financial blessing in store for you. You’ve been putting in the hard work, and it’s starting to pay off.

Capricorns are always known for their diligence, but this month, you’re particularly focused. You’re being very intentional with your efforts and working hard to improve your career. There’s a lot of self-control at play, and you’re making sure that everything you do is aligned with your long-term goals. You’re fully committed to your work and not wasting any energy, ensuring that the effort you’re putting in this month will bring significant rewards.

Emotional Landscape

In March, you may feel like you’re experiencing a creative block or lack of inspiration. This is reflected in your career as well, where you’re more focused on practical tasks and routine rather than creative pursuits. Your energy is being directed toward getting things done, which leaves little room for inspiration or excitement in other areas of your life.

Emotionally, you may not be deeply immersed in your feelings. Instead, you’re relying more on logic and practicality. When it comes to expressing yourself emotionally, you’re doing so in a calm, analytical way, rather than from a place of emotional vulnerability. You may even set boundaries this month, with a need to stand your ground and let others know they can’t mess with you. You might find yourself having to assertively tell someone off, making it clear that they cannot sway you emotionally. You’re showing that you won’t tolerate emotional manipulation and will take control of your emotional space.

Aquarius Moon: Toxic Love, Job Dissatisfaction, Indecision

Love

In March, Aquarius Moons may experience disappointment in their love life. It seems that someone is leaving a sour taste in your mouth, causing you to feel like pulling away or walking away from them. This person’s behavior may have left you feeling drained and uncertain about continuing the relationship. As a result, you’re beginning to realize that focusing on yourself is necessary.

It seems you’re dealing with a toxic partner. This person might say things that aren’t true or fail to follow through on their promises. Despite the toxicity, there’s an undeniable attraction—possibly good sex or engaging conversations that keep drawing you back. However, you feel the need to take breaks to regain emotional stability and prevent being consumed by their energy.

Even when you take these breaks and manage to stabilize yourself, this person remains on your mind. You might find yourself feeling stuck on them, unable to move on. It’s possible this person is generally a good and consistent person, but the relationship dynamic has become toxic. The connection may sometimes feel overwhelming, leading to some hot-and-cold behavior—moments when you want them, followed by moments of pulling away to regain balance.

Career

March brings some challenges in the career realm. For Aquarius Moons, it looks like you’ve been dealing with a toxic workplace that hasn’t been a place of peace. There may have been a job loss or the realization that your current job isn’t fulfilling or promising for the future. As you begin to prioritize yourself and your well-being, you’re actively seeking out new opportunities.

You might be feeling disappointed and sad about the current or past job situation, and the job search process may feel discouraging. However, don’t lose hope—March holds a blessing for you. A great job opportunity is on the horizon, whether through a promotion that moves you out of the toxic environment or a financial blessing to help alleviate some of the strain. If you’re jobless, this financial support could be crucial, so stay optimistic and keep pushing forward.

Emotional Landscape

Emotionally, March might bring a creative block for Aquarius Moons. You may not feel as inspired or energetic, which could affect your ability to engage in the things you love. It’s a time when you may feel a little indecisive and unclear about what you want to do next. This can leave you feeling somewhat disconnected from your emotions and uncertain about the direction of your life.

Despite the lack of inspiration, you may find yourself crushing on someone or feeling an emotional pull toward love. This could bring some warmth to your heart, even though you’re still feeling a bit distant from your usual energetic self.

There’s a sense that you’re feeling like a failure or unsure about your progress in life. You may be grappling with the feeling that you’re repeating patterns you’d rather not repeat, leaving you disappointed and unsure of your next steps. This emotional fog is causing some doubt in your ability to make decisions, leaving you with a general sense of lack of direction or uncertainty.

Pisces Moon: Sudden Shifts, Risk Taking, Clarity

Love

At the start of March, some of you are in no contact or are avoiding the person you care about. The lack of communication can feel frustrating, and there may be more arguments than resolutions. This leads to feelings of disappointment and loss of hope, making you question the future of the relationship.

Mid-month, there’s a sudden shift. What started as no communication or distance turns into frequent contact. You may find yourselves spending more time together, having deep conversations, or even going on outings. There’s a noticeable change in the dynamic, going from tense to relaxed and positive. You might even share moments on social media, enjoying each other’s company, taking photos, and having fun in public settings.

This change can feel sudden and almost jarring, but it brings positivity and excitement after a period of emotional lows. It’s as if the situation shifts overnight, going from feeling stuck to enjoying each other’s presence with renewed energy.

Career

The first part of the month may bring dissatisfaction and emotional discouragement about your job. You might feel disconnected from coworkers or unsure about your position, leading to inner turmoil. You may even fear losing your job or feel a lack of stability.

Despite the early challenges, there’s a significant shift in your career by the end of the month. Some of you will take a risk—whether that’s pursuing a new opportunity, shifting positions, or making a bold career move. This risk will pay off, bringing a sense of fulfillment and success. If you decide to leave your current job, you could find better opportunities elsewhere, which will feel like a major accomplishment. Others who take a calculated risk within the job will also see positive results, feeling validated and empowered by the outcome.

Emotional Landscape

Emotionally, March begins with inner conflict and dissatisfaction. You might feel disconnected, disappointed, and unsure of the direction your life is heading in. There’s a sense of emotional imbalance, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and uncertain.

As the month progresses, this emotional turmoil starts to subside. By the end of March, you’ll feel a newfound sense of balance, maturity, and emotional control. The chaos of earlier in the month will give way to clarity, as you find peace within yourself. You will emerge from the month feeling more assured and emotionally stable, having navigated the emotional highs and lows successfully.

[jeminie-rising]

onigiris for valentine's

[ Inumaki Toge x Reader ]

link to AO3: [ onigiris for valentine's by JEMINIE ]

summary: "Perhaps he didn’t get a bag with a purple ribbon, but he looked at his own colour on the ribbon that was tied on your hair."

Or, it's valentine's day and you give everyone a bag of cookies with ribbons of their favourite colours apart from Inumaki. He then realises that his ribbon was actually in your hair all along.

warnings: Inumaki Toge uses sign language, Soft Inumaki, Inumaki says more than just rice balls ingredients, fluff, toge and reader being complete idiots in love, no smut!, they're both so in love, Not actually unrequited love (they just shy), Yuuta is so supportive, love confessions (finally), slow burn

characters: inumaki toge, The Inumaki Clan, Fushiguro Megumi, Itadori Yuuji, Kugisaki Nobara, Zen'in Maki, Panda, Yuta Okkotsu

word count: 6,623

authors note: hi, i know i know. It's the end of February and why am i posting a Valentine's themed one shot?

WELL BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!

sorry, i wasn't in the mood to write about love during the month of my ex's birthday lmao. so not only was i late, but this one shot might not be as good as i would have hoped. I shall come back in the future to fix it, hopefully

In the meantime though, ENJOY xx

and reminder:

sign language in this fanfic, like in all the others, is based on japanese sign language, not ASL.

this is part 3 of the Holidays with Toge series but can 100% be read on its own

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

Don’t wait for someday. She’s thinking the same thing as you. - kids that fly

It has been weeks since New Year’s Eve. January seemed to pass in the blink of an eye and even worse, it seems like nothing really has changed. Not the classes they took, not the amount of times Itadori begged for you to help him out with English, not the missions you took up with your classmates, and not the way Inumaki treated you.

You started to believe everything that has happened was a figment of your imagination. His little trick and tease during the countdown to the very last second of last year, was nothing more than his way to pull a joke out of you. It’s not that it was something out of the ordinary. He liked to pull pranks on people with Panda all the time. Something Maki had to deal with every day, being the only other classmate they had that was present. Unfortunately for her, the mysterious fourth second year was always absent, making her the only and biggest target of Inumaki and Panda’s annoying plans.

But exactly because of it, they moved on from Maki and started widening their target to the first years. They started with Itadori, quite the gullible one and easier to get forgiveness from. A safe bet, you’d say. They managed to make him believe he was invisible for an entire afternoon. Even miraculously got help from Megumi, who did not want to get involved. But because it came natural for him to ignore Itadori, he indirectly added to the two’s bit.

They managed to pull one on you too. But in comparison, your prank seemed quite mellower. One day, mid-january, you came back to your room after class only to see it filled up with Christmas decorations when you were sure you put them down just the previous week. Even then, you were certain that you never really owned Santa curtains and elves bedsheets. It took you a whole two days to bring down everything.

Up to this day, you weren’t sure how it was that they entered your room. 

“I can hear you both snickering there,” Maki warned the two solidified prankers of the school, “if this is one other prank you’re planning you will–”

“It’s not!” Panda was quick to defend himself, “Toge was just making a joke.”

“If you two have so much time to joke around then might as well use that to train the first years.”

You and Nobara couldn’t help but smile at that idea. Training with a second year other than Maki? Definitely! 

Maki was a force of nature. She may not have any cursed energy but she made up for it with raw skills and talent. Nobara swore she would take ten Pandas over one Maki any day. And that she did. Maki wasn’t even done sparring with her before she ran towards Panda to start their training. You only looked at her, a little bit of betrayal in your face for leaving you behind.

Maki looked at you expectantly, now that Nobara was gone, you were next.

“I, actually–”

“Hey, guys!”

Everyone turned around but only the second years reacted to the newcomer. 

“Who is that?” Itadori asked, almost appalled, as soon as he saw Maki actually smile.

Megumi, who was the only one from the first years who has been in the school long enough to know, smiled proudly as he answered Itadori, “That’s Yuuta Okkotsu, the last of the second years of the Tokyo Metropolitan Curse Te–”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nobara interrupted him. “That’s the last of our upperclassmen then?”

“I guess...?”

With a groan Nobara let down her shoulders, “ugh, so there’s really no handsome guy in this entire school uh?”

“Hey!” Itadori pouted, but Nobara was already waving her hand, shooing him away.

“I think he’s kinda cute,” you admitted.

“Yeah, in a sick Victorian kid way,” Nobara was looking at Okkotsu from the midfield with the rest of her classmates. He was quite far from them, but she could already observe him without problems from where she stood. “He looks like he’s ready to go at any time, are we really sure he’s a special grade?” 

Megumi scoffed at her question. There was little to underestimate about Yuuta Okkotsu, and his grade was not one of them.

“Hey guys come here!” Panda waved for the first years, “let me introduce you to Yuuta Okkotsu, our classmate and friend.”

Everyone gave a small nod, all with their own reasons as to not make the first step, but overall, the cursed energy he emanated from that distance was enough to keep them away.

“Don’t worry, he’s not gonna bite,” Panda reassured them.

“Not him anyways,” Maki added, making Inumaki chuckle.

“Hello, I’m Yuji Itadori!” The pink haired boy was the first to introduce himself, you couldn’t help but wonder if he trusted Panda enough to do it or he really was just that kind of guy to not care about his own safety. The times you went on missions with him made you think it was the latter.

“Nobara Kugisaki,” she simply said, studying him with her gaze. She only let a beat pass before she added, “You’re really a special grade sorcerer?”

Yuuta could only smile at her, and with the most casual tone he answered her, “uh, yeah, I am.”

“He doesn’t look like one, does he?” Maki snickered, knowing exactly what hid behind the false appearances.

“I guess…” Nobara continued, still quite skeptical. Her reply mostly being for his appearances. “Well, my friend here thinks differently.”

Your eyes widened, “I didn’t say anything!”

“You said he was kinda cute!” Nobara reminded you. Your eyes were almost falling out of your eye sockets.

You were not the only one. Everyone present was quite taken aback by that comment. Not really expecting that at the moment. Yuuta couldn’t help but glance towards Inumaki, the boy’s face was half hidden, but he knew his friend enough to notice that little frown between his brows forming.

“And I guess you must be [name], right?” Yuuta tried his best to break the ice that was formed. You frowned at him, confused as to how he could possibly know your name. Catching on your reaction he continued, “Sorry if that sounded weird. I was away for missions, but my friends kept me updated about everything and everyone… Inumaki especially talked to me, so of course I’d know of you.” 

“Oh, well, yeah that’s me,” you chuckled, then turned towards Inumaki, his gaze was avoiding yours. He spoke about you? You quickly shook the newly forming delusions away. He must speak of every single one of you.

That’s just the kind of person Inumaki Toge was in your eyes. Sweet, kind, considerate, and so loving and caring about other people. To the point where he would limit his entire life to a few ingredients just to make it a little bit safer for everyone around him.

“Why are you here anyways, Yuuta?”

“Well, I wasn’t around for Christmas and New Years, at least on Valentine's Day I could spend it with my other single friends!” Yuuta cheered.

“Single?” Panda asked skeptically before whispering, “Is that safe to say for you?”

Yuuta could only chuckle, but you, Nobara, and Itadori were left confused. Itadori was the only one mouthful enough to bother to ask, “does Okkotsu-senpai have a girlfriend?” Others hesitated to answer, and when they did Itadori was quick to add thinking he got it wrong, “or boyfriend? …Partner, perhaps? …lover?”

“Yuuutaaa,” a screeching voice came out of nowhere bringing the three first years ready for combat, sensing the cursed energy around them becoming heavier out of nowhere.

“Calm down,” Maki warned, and you weren’t sure if she was referring to you first years who were instinctively in fighting positions, or Yuuta and whatever entity that was slowly appearing from behind him.

Everything within you, every training combat and exercise was pushing you over the edge to attack, but you hesitated. You pulled yourself and your instincts back, knowing well that if it was an enemy, your second years would be the first to react. With a deep breath, you calmed yourself down.

“Rika, it’s okay,” Yuuta was… reassuring the creature?

You frowned. Unsure how to react and even less sure what to think. Was that what made him a special grade? Was that even a cursed technique?

“Yuutaaa, why are they flirting with youuu?” 

The voice seemed to reverb until your bones, chilling your spine. But the tone seemed like that of a child throwing a tantrum, something about it seemed odd. It wasn’t until Panda started explaining the situation that Nobara placed her hammer back in her belt and Itadori let go of his tight fists.

“Sorry for having spooked you,” Yuuta apologised quickly after the explanation.

“It’s alright!” Itadori was the first to smile at him, “I understand your predicament.”

“Predicament uh, big words from you,” Megumi scoffed. “Trying to impress or something?” 

“Shut up,” Itadori gritted his teeth.

The second years all laughed, and Yuuta went back to the topic he was hoping to have since he came, “anyways, I was hoping we could all do something for the fourteenth? It’s a Friday so we all could go do something after classes…”

“I think that’s a fun idea!” Itadori cheered at the thought of being able to go out with his friends, “Maybe we can watch a movie?”

“I would love that!” Yuuta smiled fondly at the pink haired boy, “It’s been ages since I’ve been to the movies…”

“I’m going if we’re not watching one of those weird movies with long ass titles you like,” Nobara sighed.

“I heard they’re making a release of rom-com movies for the week of Valentines,” you brought up the ad you recently searched. It was in your plans to invite Inumaki for a date, but you knew that was never going to happen. This group activity could be the closest thing you could get to seeing him during Valentine’s day.

“Perfect!” Itadori looked through his phone to buy tickets for everyone before anyone could even agree on coming.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

You were a coward.

Or at least that’s what you have been thinking of. Hiding behind the opportunity of hanging out with everyone to avoid confessing your love and asking Inumaki on a date. Both Panda and Nobara have been cheering for you since the winter holidays to take a step, and you were sure that this Valentine’s was going to be your perfect opportunity. However, it all went to smoke when Yuuta came around (you pathetically excused yourself). Or maybe he gave you the opportunity to see Toge on Valentine’s day without having to confess your feelings. 

With this new motivation you thought of what you could possibly do to make the day a little bit more special for him. Maybe a Valentine’s gift was going to be enough? Or was that too forward?

You thought of giving him chocolate. But only giving him while giving others nothing felt kind of weird. So you started making everyone some cookies, something different from his but still made from the heart. But by the time you made everyone a pack of cookies, you noticed how his chocolates paled in comparison to homemade cookies. Sure you didn’t want his gift to stand out, but now it seemed like it was too little.

You racked your brain over what else you could do, but before you realised it, the first few rays of sun came through the window and you knew you had no more time to do anything else. You still had to prepare to go to class and fix the kitchen. With a calming breath, you told yourself that you’d have time during the lunch break. So without battling yourself over it for longer, you quickly cleaned the utensils and counter you used.

You almost didn’t make it to class in time, but fortunately, your training as a sorcerer was helpful to you in more ways than just fighting curses. Classes that day went smoothly. Well, not smoothly, more like they were just background noise for all the thoughts you were getting for later than day.  

“Hey let’s have lunch at th–”

“Sorry but I have to do something right now!” You said running away already, giving them no time to say anything. 

“Where is she going?” Panda asked, confused to see you running away.

It wasn’t often that everyone would have lunch together. Usually it was first years with first years, and second years among themselves. Often everyone would have their lunch alone too as they had their own things going on. But that was one of the rare times when Okkotsu was home from his long term missions, so they all decided to take advantage of that by spending more time together.

“We don't know either…” Itadori admitted.

“Girl things?” Megumi offered it as an excuse but he honestly didn’t care much. Compared to Itadori, he trusted you to do stuff on your own without getting in too much trouble.

Inumaki stayed quiet, not even offering an ingredient as an addition to the conversation as he usually does. The only one noticing his gaze fixed on you running away towards the dorm rooms was Yuuta.

“She’s probably okay,” he reassured his friend by putting a hand on his shoulder. “She doesn’t seem the kind of person to go through troubles by herself.”

“Tuna tuna,” the boy replied, his gaze lowering to the chocolate he hid in his pocket.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

Other than your absence, the break went quickly and without a hitch. Everyone had a laugh sharing stories with each other. While for the afternoon classes, you were, once again, tardy, but nothing too outrageous to get the teachers to complain. Their annoyance seemed dissipated thanks to the sweet smell that came from the big paper bag you had with you.

Itadori couldn’t help himself, he had to ask about it. He leaned to the side and whispered closer to you, “What do you have there?”

“It’s just a little gift,” you giggled to yourself.

“It’s for Inumaki-senpai, isn’t it?” Nobara leaned in to join the conversation.

“Aww dang,” Itadori pouted back into his seat, his groan a little too loud catching a stern look from their teacher. He lowered his voice again, hoping it would be low enough to not be reprimanded despite knowing he could be heard anyways, “I wanted something too…”

“Just wait for later!” You tried to keep your voice low.

Patience wasn’t one of Itadori’s virtues. He kept poking at you during class, after class, on the way to the cinema, and when they were in line to claim their tickets. The others weren’t phased by anything at this point, especially when it came to Itadori, but Yuuta was new to the bunch.

“You guys seem like a good pair,” he said, smiling at you and Itadori. There was only a beat, before he realised his choice of word and had to add, “I meant that as a like platonic pair –like good friends–”

“Yeah,” Itadori laughed, “I imagined.”

“But what are you guys doing?” He asked, “Is this a normal occurrence?”

“More than you’d think,” Maki sighed. 

“It would stop if you could finally spill the beans,” Nobara poked at you. “What are you hiding?”

You looked at the remaining line for the movies. There was still quite a line, pairs of people for the most part, and those that weren’t were a group of girls celebrating in pink –galentines, you thought. There would be enough time before your group’s turn so you decided to take the opportunity at your grasp.

Putting down the paper bag, you started grabbing the elaborated pink bags tied each with a different coloured ribbon. Analysing the colours of the ribbons, you started to distribute them to all the different members of the group.

The green one to Maki. You assumed she’d prefer a darker chocolate flavour, given how much she enjoyed coffee in the early mornings. Similarly to Megumi’s, which was tied with a teal ribbon, who received coffee flavoured cookies from you.

In your hand you still had a red ribbon confection and there was no question to who it would go to. Even Nobara was eagerly looking at the bag with her favourite colour. The girl grabbed it from your hand before you could even offer it to her. Soft and chunky cookies inside, just like she likes them. Similar to hers, but bigger in size, was Panda’s. His bag was also the biggest one among the ones she held. A black ribbon wrapped around it tightly. 

After giving Panda his bag, there were only two more remaining. Yuji awaited his turn impatiently, his feet marching in place as a way to stimulate his eagerness. You almost wanted to keep his bag to tease him, but his face made you guilty enough to give his next. A bag adorned with a pink ribbon, and different flavoured cookies inside to reflect his chaotic nature. 

“Yaaay! Nothing beats homemade cookies!” He celebrated them above everyone’s head the moment he had them in hand.

Everyone chuckled at the boy, his enthusiasm contagious to everyone. But it wasn’t enough to keep Toge distracted for long. He looked at the last bag you held in hand, and could smell the sweet sweet cookies that fought their way out of the white ribbon.

“And this one…” you held the bag in front of you, “is for you!”

It wasn’t only Inumaki who was speechless, but among everyone was Yuuta, who hesitantly reached out for the bag you were handing him, “Me…? I–I wasn’t expecting anything… we–”

“Of course you get some too!” You laughed as if it was an obvious thing.

“Uh… how about Inumaki-senpai?” Itadori pointed out what everyone was thinking.

At his question, a dust of pink blush, similar to his ribbon, tainted your cheeks. You were trying to avoid doing this in front of everyone, but with everyone’s eyes on you, you had no choice. You opened up your purse, instead of the paper bag, hesitantly, hoping for an escape. And there it was, like the Gods answered your prayer.

“Next!” The lady called out for them.

This was enough to grab everyone’s attention to the cashier lady. In between busy choosing the movies and which seats to take, you took this opportunity to grab the purple tupperware from your purse and push it against Inumaki’s side.

“For you,” you whispered. “Happy valentines, Inumaki-senpai.”

You didn’t even let him say anything before you rushed your way after the other first years, who were arguing if it was better to have all seats in one row or take two rows of equal numbers.

“She gave you… tupperware?” Panda peaked over Inumaki’s shoulder, “Are the cookies inside?”

Inumaki could only shrug his shoulders. Some part of him wanted to have a cute bag with a ribbon too, but he shoved that feeling aside. He was about to eat cookies you prepared for him, who cared what they came into?

He carefully opened the tub but instead of the sweet smell of cookies he smelt the familiar scent of… onigiri?

The two looked at the tupperware container holding two rows of onigiris carefully placed over purple sheer paper. There was a moment of silence between them as they stared at the rice balls, before Panda started laughing dropping on the floor, catching the attention of people around them.

The silver haired boy could only frown and send a kick to his friend, “Bonito flakes!”

But the panda only laughed more at the unintended pun, “t-that’s right! There are bonito flakes –This may be the best prank ever!”

Toge looked back at the tupperware to notice one of the onigiris to have bonito flakes on top of it. That wasn’t common to have from store-bought onigiris –these were home-made, he concluded. With one look he searched for you among the first years, unsure truly how to react or feel about the gift he received. Although, once found the little bow on your head amongst the others, his doubts were somehow cleared. 

How could he not have noticed before? 

“What’s your favourite colour, senpai?” You once asked him once when the flowers were blooming and offered a various range of colours for him to pick on without having to speak out loud.

Inumaki looked pensive for a bit. Then pointed at a violet that was by her hand, “tuna mayo.”

You followed his finger with your gaze. For a second you thought he referred to your new set of nails, but then noticed the violet in between your pinky and ring finger. 

“Violet?” You asked to clarify.

He gave a single nod, “Salmon.”

“It’s a pretty colour!” You affirmed, “they’re similar to your eyes…”

Inumaki was once again grateful for the collar that hid his face and his red. Hoping to change the attention from himself to you, he pointed his finger back at you, “mustard?”

“Me?” You asked before thinking about it. You aren’t sure why you had to think about it. You knew what your favourite colour was. It has always been white. The infinite possibilities white could hold is far too alluring for you to not have it as your favourite colour. But after seeing the purple in Inumaki’s eyes, you hesitated for a bit. What were possibilities compared to the certainty that you found in him? “W-white,” you finally admitted after a moment too long.

Inumaki looked up at the sky, his gaze pensive and they looked farther away than where you ever could, but then he pointed at the clouds. You could only nod, smiling at him. 

“Yes, like the clouds.”

He then looked down at the ground. Picking a single daisy, he offered it to you. 

“Yes, like daisies.” You reached out for it and twirled it between your two fingers, “and mongolias… and jasmines –my favourite!”

Inumaki looked at you, his head tilted, “Mustard?”

“Yeah, I love Jasmines, they smell like comfort!”

Inumaki seemed to think about something for a bit, then brought his hand to his hair, he grabbed a few strands from his bangs and looked at it making cross eyes you giggled at. Then he looked through his bangs and directly at you, “Mustard?”

You frowned slightly unsure if you understood him correctly. This seemed to not translate to you in his ingredients, so he shifted his body towards you and clearly showed his hands. Back then, he was already studying sign language from the book you have gifted him on his birthday. He was still quite choppy on his sign language but he was getting the hang on it quicker than you did.

You knew his intentions and with a focused eye, you followed his hands as he unzipped his collar down. A sign of vulnerability from him, you learned. You tried to not get entranced by the snake fangs by each side of his mouth and forced your eyes to follow his hands instead. With all his fingers together he twisted the tips of them against each other. Colour.

“Colour?” You repeated his sign out loud and he gave you a nod.

He then pointed his pointer to his teeth showing his own fangs. The small smile he formed as he signed and flicked his finger, made you almost forget what he was trying to say. You shook your head trying to regain focus, but poor Toge assumed you didn’t know that particular sign and looked up instead to point at a new cloud. Then back to your daisy that still rested between your fingers. 

You nodded and repeated the sign for the colour white by grinning your teeth out and flick your pointer finger against it. “White,” you spoke out before bringing your two fingers at each side of your cheek as you dropped your hand down, your two fingers met at the tip of your chin. “I like the colour white.” Before a pause you added without sign language, “My favourite.”

He couldn’t avoid a smile at your words. He pointed at you before repeating your own sign. You. Bringing his fingers to his chins, highlighting his snake eyes, and dropping his hand to meet his two fingers to the tip of his chin. Like. Then he pointed at his forehead.

“Y-You…” You gaped before finally realising, “...r hair.”

He nodded and you could not keep in a smile, “yes, I do like your hair colour.”

White was your favourite colour. That was not something Toge would forget anytime soon. That was the colour of his hair, the colour of the flowers you smelt like, the colour of endless possibility. Ever since that afternoon at the field of flowers with you, he has seen the colour in a different way. 

He looked at your ribbon again, the one that held your hair together, but it wasn’t white like it usually would be to match your uniform, it was purple instead. His favourite colour. The same colour as the paper that held all his onigiri safe. Perhaps he didn’t get a bag with a purple ribbon, but he looked at his own colour on the ribbon that was tied on your hair.

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦

The movie was a hit. Everyone fell in love with the characters as much as they fell in love with each other. Itadori in particular was ecstatic over the ending.

“I can’t believe she wasn’t dead after all!” He jumped as everyone followed on the way back home, “I still don’t understand how it happened…”

“Of course you don’t, simpleton,” Megumi commented a few steps behind.

“It wasn’t said in the movie!” Itadori fought him.

“There are implications!” Megumi scoffed.

As the two argued between themselves you couldn’t help but laugh. It was nice to have a moment with them like that. With studying and missions, it was hard to find a time where everyone could act like normal kids –as normal as a sorcerer could get anyways. Having a literal panda walk with you guys didn’t really keep the attention away from the group. You could only guess the things going on inside people’s heads. But you assumed, just like you did when you met him for the first time, that people thought he was just one of those people who liked to get into anthropomorphic animal costumes. 

You looked behind you to check on the said friend, beside him, of course, there was Inumaki who already had his eyes on you. You knew it was too late, but you still looked away and hoped he didn’t pay mind to you. After giving him his valentine's gift, you weren’t sure how he would react, but he hasn’t said anything and that made you more anxious.

“You should make a move,” Yuuta approached him after witnessing the very short interaction.

“Tuna?”

“You never know when it’s too late,” the boy shrugged. “Sorcerers like us don’t have the privilege of time.”

Toge couldn’t look away from his friend. He was right, with all the missions you both had to go through, even more now after Sukuna’s return, there were no promises of a tomorrow. He only had today and his feelings. And with nothing more than that, the boy gave his friend a thankful wave as he caught up to you, who walked ahead of them.

You, in turn, hoped for any kind of reaction for your gift, a comment, a sign. You weren’t really expecting a grand thank you, but nothing seemed a bit too much. Sure you walked away the moment you passed the gift, but part of you was hoping for even a nod from the distance. 

You felt a tap on your shoulder and you knew it was him.

“Kelp,” he greeted you with a gentle nod.

“Hey, did you enjoy the movie?” You asked, hoping that the question would lead him astray from the thought of your onigiris. But it only did so much as he nodded again.

“Tuna tuna,” he changed the subject again, pointing at your purple ribbon.

You followed his hand, something you found yourself accustomed to at that point. “Ah yes, it’s new, do you like it?”

He paused before nodding at you, “salmon.”

“Seems like you hesitated there,” you chuckled, teasing him, but it didn’t seem to budge him at all.

“Onigiri,” you heard him say, that new word made you almost snap your head towards him in surprise. You weren’t quite sure if he meant that literally or if he was using new food-related words to communicate his thoughts. With a slight frown you tried to look for the answer in his subtle expressions.

“Onigiri…?”

He nodded, grabbing the tupperware you gave him from his bag, “onigiri.”

“Oh,” you nodded, “yes, onigiri.”

He then placed the tupperware back into his bag, allowing him to use his hands for signs. You watch him as he placed his left hand flat over a pointer finger directed towards you. With one single movement, he pointed towards you. Why?“Why onigiris?” you asked clarifying, he hummed at your interpretation. “Well, I thought you’d like to have onigiris, I just assumed they were your favourites since you chose the ingredients to be your vocabulary… Did I get it wrong?” “Bonito flakes!” Your worried expression made him shake his head as quickly as he could, hoping to shoo away your doubts. “Tuna mayo.”

“Yeah,” you chuckled. The sound of your light laughter was too soft for Inumaki to hear over the chatter of the people around. Especially with Itadori having a full conversation with Nobara right in front of you. He had it in mind to curse them to shut up for a second, just to hear your giggle better. But he quickly moved that bad idea aside when you spoke again. “Each of them have different ingredients inside, I made one of each of the ones you mention the most –There are two of tuna mayo, your favourite.”

Toge could only smile fondly at your words, his chest fluttering with affection towards you, even more than before. He thought about the savoury snacks he had in his backpack, and then of all the cookies and chocolates that were being exchanged throughout the nation at that moment, and he felt like he had the best deal out of all of them. You didn’t simply give him chocolate, like he initially would have wished for, but took time to think about what he would have liked most and actually make it. He puffed his chest lightly at the new treasure he held in his bag, eager to take a taste of them as soon as he could.

“Do you like it?” You asked, looking at him, as you all walked down the street, now closer to your school, “Maybe I should have given you cookies too…”

“Bonito flakes!”

“So you’re okay with it?”

He smiled at you, and he looked around before placing a hand on your shoulder. You looked at him in slight surprise, but his gaze was directed towards Panda, “Tuna tuna.”

The friend smiled at him and gave him a single nod, as the others continued to walk away. You saw Panda pulling Itadori away by his hood. Something about wanting to watch being mumbled away. Without Itadori and the rest, there was a soft silence around you, realising how much quieter things were when it was only you and Inumaki. Nothing awkward, just peaceful. But what did warrant for such quiet and for your friends to go ahead without you both? Your delusions were already jumping everywhere, and you had to push them away before you could get ahead of yourself.

Your gaze turned back to Toge, who had his eyes already on you. “Is there something wrong?” You asked unsure. You felt like there was something to be said, but couldn’t bring yourself to take the first step to leading the conversation.

He shook his head, before zipping down his collar. You were quite sure that he was going to use Sign again, so you followed his hands closely to focus. But to your surprise, he brought his fingers to your chin and gently pulled your face up to meet his eyes. 

This simple gesture was enough to cause you to sweat cold. You fidgeted with your fingers hoping to distract yourself from his, that were still on your chin. 

“Inumaki-senpai?” You asked hoping he would finally get to the point. You weren’t sure how much longer you could handle being so close to him without breathing.

He took a step back, much to your health. But his gaze was still fixed into yours, silently guiding you to not look away. Not that you could even if you wanted to, his eyes were as hypnotising as that of a snake luring a prey.

Then he did what you didn’t expect him to, he began to open his mouth.

“I…” he attempted, “have been practicing.” 

You swore your heart stopped the moment he opened his mouth and began to beat only at each word he spoke. Unsure if you were supposed to ruin the moment, you kept quiet, not daring even to move a muscle, afraid you might miss something.

He seemed to be thinking about it for a bit, then with careful breathing, he spoke again, “I have been practicing, to not infuse my words with cursed energy.” He paused as he breathed in a big chunk of air. You wondered if it took a lot of him to do so.

“That’s amazing, senpai,” you said before you even realised you were talking. Perhaps when Inumaki could talk, it was you who was rendered speechless. You looked for words to say as he smiled at you clearly quite proud of himself. “Since when?”

He paused before answering. For the first few times he did so, you thought it was because he was thinking about what to say, but it seemed like he was actually selecting which words to use. Despite him keeping from infusing his words with cursed speech he still deliberately thought of words that were still relatively safe to speak, just in case. 

“Since New Year’s Eve,” he carefully enunciated his syllables.

You couldn't contain your own smile, “You’ve made amazing progress!” 

He smiled back at you and gave a small polite bow, “Tuna mayo.”

You giggled at his favourite onigiri ingredient. Perhaps he was still more at ease with speaking like that. And to properly show his gratitude, he was going to do it with ease.

Then he took another deep breath in and nodded to himself. You watched him patiently, hoping for more words from him. It was cold, middle of february but spring was still so far away from arriving in the hills of Tokyo. But you paid no mind, you could stay there for an entire day and a night if it meant that you could have a conversation with Toge.

“I wanted to be able to speak properly with you,” he said after having attentively selected his words. He imagined everyone would practice their speech to themselves and to a mirror before giving it, and although he did so too, it still didn’t feel enough for him. Nerves got to him quickly as he inched closer to where he was aiming. He looked at you, hoping to gain courage from it, but it only made him even more nervous. 

In the long pause, you assumed he was done, so with a small smile you tilted your head, “that’s sweet, Inumaki-senpai.”

“Wait–” he shook his head, “Ikura.”

Your eyes widened slightly, shutting up. It was faint, but you felt the tingle of a cursed energy in his ‘wait’. It didn’t hurt, you noticed, his cursed speech never did hurt you. But it was an odd sensation crawling into your skin and grabbed onto your very muscle cells, forcing you to comply by pure force. There was worry in his eyes, as he noticed it too, but you smiled at him hoping to reassure the boy. With a single nod from you, he was able to breathe again. Perhaps your actions too had the same effect on him as his cursed speech. It took so little from you for him to change emotions and follow your silent commands.

“I wanted to tell you so many things,” he continued his thoughts from earlier. For the first time ever since you’ve known him, it was him speaking and you were listening. It was a dream that you never thought would be real. It made you so grateful for your world of curses, spirits, and impossibilities.

“I like the colour white too now,” he admitted out of nowhere, remembering that one afternoon in the field of flowers. 

“And I don’t actually like fish eggs…” he said, recalling that one time you offered some to him and he could only grimace at you. You never knew why he did, but now you knew it wasn’t directed at you.

“I don’t like morning assemblies,” he admitted before carefully selecting his next few words, “that’s why I never go.” –That’s why you never see me. He wished to say, knowing from Panda how often you looked for him during the assemblies. But if he said those words he was scared you would go blind, or worse, you’d never see him specifically.

He took a deep breath and then, just as he practiced, “I wanted to thank you for Christmas,” he said remembering how it was her idea to bring everyone to visit him, “and that I am sorry for taking your last grape on New Year’s Eve.” You tried to hide your smile at the memory. At the time, you were stunned and flustered, but looking back it was quite silly. But if that memory was not going to make you blush, his next words would have been enough to do so.

“And that you looked very beautiful.”

He smiled looking at you. Perhaps because he started to get the hang of it, he wasn’t feeling as nervous as earlier. But the more he spoke and the more he looked at you, he could only find more courage to spill all his secrets. To give you everything he had. To tell you every single thought he ever had selfishly hoping you’d keep them all.

“I was going to tell you on New Year’s Eve,” he continued before chuckling to himself, “but we got interrupted.”

The memory of your silent conversation on New Year’s Eve came back at you. The way he held his fingers on each side of his cheek close to expressing how he felt. You kept your eyes fixed on him, afraid to even blink. Afraid that in that fraction of a second where you blinked, your lashes might swipe him away from you or miss his words.

You had a vague feeling of what was to come. He was so close to telling you so many times that you developed so many ‘What-If’ scenarios that all of them resembled the one where you were in at the moment. You prayed to all the Gods looking over at you two, to the saint of Valentine’s day, that nothing would interrupt you anymore.

“This might be nothing compared to your onigiri, but…” You watched him as he pulled a chocolate bar from his pocket, and with another deep breath in, a solemn look, and a fond smile, he offered both the chocolate and his feelings to you, “I like you.”

[mrderofcr0ws]

HEADLOCK

JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES

that was the name written on a gravestone in brooklyn with no body below it since the sergeant had been pronounced dead in 1945.

the body that once belonged to that name was now hydra's most prized possession— but the winter soldier was not the only danger locked away down in the remote siberian facility. you were there, too. a monster made from horrors most refused to believe could be real.

two trained killing machines.

one bound to commands and trigger words.

the other bound to instinct and bloodlust.

it had been a long time since either of you had seen the sun. you could get out with his help in the brief, painful moments of clarity he had. when he answered to that long forgotten name, you could escape together.

but bucky was often buried under that brooklyn headstone-and the winter soldier who slept in the bunk below you nearly every night was a danger to even you.

this is a fic that explores bucky's time in hydra. the content warnings are as follows: torture, manipulation, angst, pain, psychological horror, graphic descriptions and language, poetic comparisons to cannibalism, hurt with minimal comfort at times, stockholm syndrome, smut, degrading, power imbalance, canon divergence. 18+ fic.

— DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT WARNING —

THIS SPECIFIC CHAPTER OF “HEADLOCK”CONTAINS A NEW SET OF POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING CONTENT ON TOP OF THE ONES LISTED ABOVE THAT PERTAINS TO THE TRUAMA OF THE READERS CHARACTER. THE LIST IS AS FOLLOWS: kidnapping, themes of stalking, implied sexual abuse and assault, drugging, mutilation, and trafficking.

bucky x fem!reader (you have a given name in this fic for the sake of making writing easier, but it will be used sparingly)

word count: idk i write on tumblr... but this one is really, really long, guys, im ngl… (roughly edited)

<- previous part

author note: this chapter is heavily inspired by the song “strangers” by ethel cain. i recommend giving it a listen after you read to deepen the experience. on my masterlist, i shared my bucky playlist that i use to write this fic, too. music is a big source of inspiration for me — the title of this fic and each chapter’s title are a direct reference to the imogen heap song ‘headlock’ (except this one) — and a lot of what i write has songs to go along with the emotions that i try to capture and portray. i hope you enjoy if you decide to listen to the song or take a peek at my playlist.

sorry in advance, everyone.

-crow

PART FIVE —

— WITH MY MEMORY RESTRICTED TO A POLAROID IN EVIDENCE.

a girl had been born to a mother and a father in a small romanian town in 1919.

her mother tended to the house and grew the prettiest flowers in the front garden. she had flowers that bloomed in every season and she had the longest hair anyone had ever seen. her father was a factory worker. he helped manufacture car parts like steering wheels and headlights. he was a strong man. strong like an ox who could lift his two children over his head like they weighed nothing at all, even when they grew to be too big.

this girl had a little brother and her little brother went on to become a scholar as they got older. a scientist. a virologist determined to cure the sick. he moved away to a bigger city when he was old enough and had enough money in his pockets. but he was a good boy. a kind one. he always sent money back home. he sent his sister pictures of the city he lived in and wrote to her every month.

the girl stayed with her parents.

she stayed with her mother— and she and her mother opened a flower shop out of their garage together. it had been her idea. her mother was hesitant. she did not see the value others could find in flowers grown from their garden— but the girl had heard the compliments. their neighbors always had nice things to say as they crossed paths. she saw how people would stop and stare outside their house.

with a bit of persistence and a sweet charming smile, her mother came around to the idea.

for years, she and her mother sold the prettiest flowers for the prettiest shiny pennies. they spent the spring knee deep in dirt, planting seeds and dirtying their nails as they giggled together. in the summer, they would fan themselves off and drink cold iced tea under the shade of their garage head, selling out their flower supply in a matter of days.

she had a good life.

she had been a happy girl.

in 1943 at the age of 24, the girl had met a man deployed to her town during world war ii. an officer.

he took a great liking to her and came to visit her every day. she paid him no mind outside of small conversations and pouring him a glass of iced tea when he asked for one. he paid a dollar every time and she slipped it into her pocket. her mother always beamed when he came by. hospitality was her trade and she welcomed the solider each and every time he popped his head into the garage.

her mother would’ve been cross with her if she knew that her daughter was taking a dollar from him for a cup of iced tea— but it was their little secret.

the girl now grown grew used to his presence.

she grew used to his persistence, too.

he wasn’t so bad to be around when he brought chocolates. he had learned how to swoon the stubborn girl who had caught his eye— and the officer asked on her a date.

a man on deployment shouldn’t date but what else was there to do in that tiny romanian town.

and she agreed.

of course, she had. she’d grown fond of him. a foolish little thing with a crush, she had come to enjoy his visits. when he asked her out, he’d brought her a new dress for the occasion and promised to have her home by 9 o’clock.

how sweet things could sour so terribly…

she never returned from her date on july 9th, 1943.

her mother never saw her again and all the flowers in the garden died. her father lost his strength and he could hardly lift himself out of bed. his brother grew sick with grief and he left the city to return home.

it was all a story.

it was a sad story that filled you with dread knowing there was no way to change the fate of the poor girl who had been stolen away.

but that’s all it was.

just a story.

you had no memories of pretty flowers. no memories of doting parents. no memories of a little brother. there was no house you could close your eyes and picture. there was no town to call home. there were no neighbors. no friends. no officer.

the pictures in the folder made your throat sting. the girl in them had your face. it was the face you could not look at in the mirror— but her story meant nothing.

her story was not yours.

yours had only began where hers ended.

that was the difference between you and the winter soldier— and if nick fury was trying to appeal to a better side of you he believed had to exist by handing you that folder, he was wrong.

whatever hydra had done to you in the very beginning, it was different than what they had done to him. you had no memories— but he had his. they were buried under the rubble of the thousands of pieces they shattered him into over and over again. like shards of a broken mirror, everything reflected off of each other. it was too hard to make sense of— and that is why they tortured him.

they made it too hard for him to sort through the pieces by jumbling them up each and every time he got the courage to try.

your mind was void of everything that came before. it was a blank white space like the room you sat in now.

that is why manipulation and brainwashing could not work on you the way it did for him. there was nothing they could toy with. there was nothing they could take away because they already had— so much so that you could only see the blocks that built your story for yourself when they were placed in front of you within the folder.

pictures of the girl named isla were not the only ones paper clipped to the pages holding any and every bit of information there was about her. a picture of her parents. a picture of her and her brother. a picture of their house in romania. your heart ached as you rubbed the pad of your thumb over the picture of this girl’s mother— but there was no lightbulb.

there was no click.

there was nothing you could recall about this woman— of either women in those pictures.

but you knew one face in that folder better than you even knew your own.

as you flipped the page, his face was clipped to the top of the sheet of paper with the red logo at the top.

hydra.

a hydra document.

a hydra officer.

nikta patrova’s face stared stone-cold back at you.

“stop it,” a far, far away voice cried out. “don’t touch me! please, stop! stop!”

you shut your eyes and all you could see was the blank white void. in every direction you looked in the space behind your eyelids, it was nothing but white. it wasn’t anything at all.

“get off me!”

the ground below your feet began to tremble.

the sound that echoed in the space between your ears was the awful, terrible crackling sound of ice giving way. kukukuku.

the void in your mind was not a void at all.

it was a landscape of unyielding winter— and the ice below your feet shattered, sending you sinking into the freezing depths of a darkness long sealed away.

the smell of blood burned your nose as you crawled through the tall grass under a moonless sky. one hand after the other, you heaved yourself across the dirt. across the grass. across the field.

he tugged you back by your ankles and a sharp, petrified gasp ejected from your lungs. you screamed as you twisted and writhed on the ground like a snake with its head cut off. your nails dug into his arms. blood painted your nails as you tore open skin— but he only snickered.

“shhh,” he hushed as he covered your mouth with his large, calloused hand. “come on, don’t be this way.”

you bit down on his hand and blood stained your teeth. he hissed, pulling his hand back. he put the wound in his mouth, grunting as he suckled on the hurt.

“you little bitch…” he whispered.

the dirt suffocated you and you choked on it each time you tried to draw breath. it stuck to your blood stained mouth as he pressed his palm down into the back of your head and held you in place. on a breezeless summer night, the rustle in the grass was no fault of the winds.

you never saw that field by the river again.

you never took the path back into the town you called home.

and you never returned to the house with the prettiest flowers in the front garden at 9 o’clock.

“get up,”the officer said. he grabbed you by your elbow and hoisted you to your feet. “walk.”

it was hard to walk. you had been cramped in the trunk of that dirty, rusty car for hours. the sun was too bright. you stumbled alongside him as he guided you by the back of your neck towards a warehouse.

you hit the floor hard as he shoved you inside. you scraped your hands on the concrete floor. your knees, too. you looked up with tears in your eyes. in the warehouse, men dressed in dark uniforms stood around a circular table.

“nikta,” one of them turned. a general. he glanced at you with little interest. his next words were in a language you didn’t understand. “what is this?”

nikta grabbed you by the roots of your hair. a cry escaped you and you reached up to grab his wrists. he dragged you over to the table of uniformed men and whispered two words you could not understand.

two words that had damned you.

“she bites.”

you cried ceaselessly in that dusty, dirty trunk when he shoved you back inside it.

you cried ceaselessly when he and the group of uniformed generals forced you onto an airplane.

you cried ceaselessly as you were put in chains and led inside one of hydra’s weapon facilities.

you only stopped crying once they put you in a cell.

you stopped crying because you weren’t alone.

“hey,” a low, soft voice whispered.

you turned at the sound. through the metal bars to your left, you saw the silhouette of him. you wiped your face off on your arms and winced as you made your way across the cold stone floor to the bars separating you both.

“you alright?” the pale, blue-eyed man asked you. he had bruises on his face and bags under his eyes. his short, dark hair was a mess across his forehead. “christ, they roughed you up pretty bad, huh?”

“i…i don’t understand you,” you whispered through trembling lips. you spoke no english. you spoke no russian like the guards did. you had been drowning for days in words you didn’t understand.

his eyes widened, “romanian? you speak romanian? i mean— you’re romanian?”

it felt like god had heard your prayers to hear him speak the only language you understood. you couldn’t help but cry. you placed your hands atop his on the bars and wept like a baby.

“yes.” you cried. your head dropped and you curled into yourself. big, wet tears left streaks on your dirty face. “you— you are, too?”

“yeah. my grandparents moved from there to america.” he said with a smile. he squeezed your hands and rubbed them between his, trying to warm up your fingers. you hadn’t noticed how cold you were.

“how long have you been here?” you asked in a whisper, glancing around at the cold, desolate cells around you. he had been the only one down here before you showed up.

his smile faltered but he tried to keep a brave face. “only a little while.”

he was lying and you knew it, but you didn’t push.

“what’s your name?” he asked as he settled down to sit directly across from you.

“isla,” you told him softly. you sniffled and wiped your face on your sleeves. “my names isla.”

“isla,” he grinned as he said your name. “it’s nice to meet you. i’m james but my friends call me bucky.”

“james,” you said with a small smile.

“bucky,” he corrected. he gave your hands a soft squeeze and whispered like a promise, “we are friends now, isla. call me bucky.”

“friends.” you agreed, squeezing his hand back.

they left you to rot in your cell for more days than you could count.

but they always took him away.

like clockwork, they came each morning to take him and brought him back each night. every day got worse. he lost more and more weight. you tried to share the food they would toss at you but he would politely decline. every time he tried to eat it would all come back up, anyways.

he would apologize to you profusely after he tossed up nothing but bile in the corner of his cell. you would have to cover your ears at the sound of him gagging. the air would smell like sickness. he’d apologize for it over and over again as you sat together with the iron bars separating you.

the time passed slow but he made it all a little easier.

he was a talker.

he would talk about anything and everything even when he didn’t feel well just to keep the quiet away.

he hated the quiet.

he told you about where he had grown up. about his parents. about his sister. he told you about his best friend steve and how they had turned him into a super soldier.

captain america.

you knew that name. you had seen a picture of him in the newspaper not too long ago. he was spotted in europe traveling around to boost the moral of the america troops.

bucky took that news as bravely as he could.

his best friend was on the same continent as him— but no one knew where he was and he doubted very much that they had any resources to spare towards looking for him.

he made his peace with it.

it was you who did not.

“bucky,” you murmured.

“hm?” he asked without opening his eyes. he was holding your hand through the bars like always, exhausted and cold. the two of you were trembling, trying to seek each others body heat despite the bars between you.

“do you think we’ll die down here?”

he opened his eyes and met your gaze. he pulled his hand from yours and slipped it through another bar, placing his hand on your cheek. he wiped the tears off your nose and shook his head.

“nah,” he whispered with a smile. “you and me? we’re going to live until we’re a hundred, darlin’.”

you giggled and placed your hand atop his, pressing your face into his touch. “a hundred?”

“at least that, yeah.” he chuckled.

you slept easy that night.

but the next morning, it wasn’t bucky they took.

“let her go!” he roared, slamming against the bars of the cell. he tried to grab at the officers who dragged you out and into the hallway. “isla!”

you reached for him, the tips of your fingers grazing.

the officer who had stolen you away once before stole you away again once more.

that was the last time you saw bucky.

that was the last memory the girl in the pictures had before you took her place.

you opened yours eyes and stared at the folder in your lap. you brought your hands to your face, touching the tears pouring down. you wiped at them. over and over again until your skin was raw, you wiped your face dry.

the imaginary lightbulb above your head flickered.

nikta.

the hydra officer who had stolen you away and made you what you were— it was all him. every single bit.

he chose you to be weapon-v.

he brought you to hydra and threw you at their feet.

you were his project and they froze him year after year alongside you so that he could keep his eyes on you.

and yet in the end, he turned the gun on bucky and you killed him for it…

why would he have done that after all this time?

you could’ve been sick all over yourself at you saw his stone-cold glare in the picture beside yours. you grabbed the picture out of the folder and let out a bereaved scream. you tore it to shreds as disgust spread across your skin and infected the marrow of your bones.

you fell back against the bed and cried into your pillow. your clawed at the mattress. rage vibrated in every cell of your body. you could’ve torn the room apart— but you were weak. fear made you weak.

the despair you felt knowing there were so many more gaps to fill in froze you still on the bed as you shed tear after tear.

you wanted your mother.

you curled into yourself despite the way your wound protested and clutched the photo of your parents to your chest.

they were long since dead by now.

and you should’ve been reaching the end of your time, too, but you were nearly still that young girl they lost all those years ago.

— ☆ —

“i want everything you have on him.”

nick finished placing down your food but you pushed the small table away. you weren’t hungry.

“the files we have on sergeant barnes are classified.” nick said with a sympathetic frown. “sorry, kid.”

“i’m classified,” you hissed out from between your sharp teeth. “give me the damn files.”

nick stared at you for a long, painful moment.

tears were brimming on your lashes and you tried so hard to fight them— but you couldn’t.

“please,” you begged in a broken voice. you closed your eyes and the tears fell free. “i need to know what happened to him.”

“let me make a call.”

you looked up but nick was already out the door. a soft breath of relief escaped you and you turned your head. the food was steaming beside you. freshly prepared.

you swallowed your pride and ate it.

it wasn’t too bad…

— ☆ —

when you saw nick again, he had a file in his hand. not only that but an agent behind him wheeled in a television. your brows pinched together as you sat up.

“here’s the deal,” nick said, holding up the folder. “i show you everything i have on barnes and you tell me everything i wanna know about the two of you. got it?”

you nodded once.

you’d decide whether or not you’d tell him anything of substance when he asked the questions.

his folder felt as heavy as a headstone in your hands.

you placed it down on your lap and ran the tips of your fingers over his name.

SGT. JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES

HOWLING COMMANDO

[ DECEASED ]

you held your breath as you opened the folder.

a massive stack of papers with every bit of information there was of him greeted you. your heart sank as you skimmed the old, aged ink.

his name. his birthday. his height and weight. his birthplace. his parents names. his enlistment papers. his mission logs.

the medical report from the day he’d been brought back to his company.

you had not been with him the day captain america broke into the hydra base and freed his friend.

doctor zola had sent you away three days earlier to the siberian facility in the mountains. when bucky was freed by steve, they were pulling out all your teeth and reconstructing your jaw.

the answer to the longstanding question between the two of you was now answered.

you had been made first.

you bit the inside of your cheek as you picked up the note smooshed between the next two pages. the crumpled, stained piece of old parchment had his handwriting on it.

you touched the words written in pencil.

——————————————————————————

santa,

her name is isla and i need help to find her.

i have to get her out.

i told her we’d live until we were 100.

- bucky 12/25/1944

——————————————————————————

“oh, god.” you cried, clutching the note to your chest.

guilt burned through every inch of you.

how could you have forgotten him?

the sweet-hearted soldier who held your hands and wiped away your tears. how could you have forgotten that? it was as clear to you now as the moment it had happened— but where had it gone?

where had it all gone?

where had he gone?

you brought the note to your lips and held it against them. it smelled old and worn. when you closed your eyes and tried to picture his face, the only thing you saw was winter and his blank, icy stare.

it was hard to imagine them as one person— just like it was nearly impossible for you to see yourself as the girl in those photos.

bucky hated the quiet. you could recall so vividly now how he hummed a soft, jazzy tune each night you both would grow too tired to talk. he would run his fingers through your hair and hum until he exhausted himself.

winter was quiet. far too quiet.

they weren’t the same.

you and isla weren’t the same.

not anymore.

as you flipped the page, you saw the date at the top of the paper and your heart sank.

1945.

bucky had never found you.

though he tried, a years time had passed and there was no trace of you. you where a ghost in the snow and there were bigger missions for him to see out.

you didn’t blame him.

you couldn’t.

because even if he had found you, you wouldn’t have been able to recall his face.

it was fight in the freight-car that got him killed. he was hanging on to the dangling door for dear life as steve tried to reach him. but it broke. and he fell.

bucky was pronounced dead on january 9th, 1945.

the winter soldier project was resumed on january 9th, 1945 when he was found by hydra soldiers who took him to the facility in the mountains.

you were in your first sleep when they brought him in. underneath the floor frozen in a cryochamber, neither of you had any idea that you were together again.

he didn’t know that you had lived.

and you didn’t know that he had died.

a little less so than before, but you two were soon to become strangers to each other once more.

it broke your heart to read that there were no efforts made in finding him. it was accepted throughout the whole of his platoon that the fall had killed him and it was too dangerous to try and find his impact sight in the mountains.

his friends believed that he was alone and broken in the snow all this time.

and you hadn’t even remembered him.

you covered your mouth with your hand and stifled a sob as you saw the pictures of him. a collage of four. a couple paperclipped to the back of the folder. you wiped away your tears before they could fall and you tried through hardest to see through them as you pulled the piece of paper with all of them glued down out of the folder.

“hello, soldier.” you whispered, touching the picture of him in his uniform.

he was handsome.

you had forgotten how handsome bucky was.

you brushed your thumb across the photo of his face with the cut on it. you knew that cut. you had dabbed your sleeve against it to try and stop it from bleeding. it was one of the last things you had done before you were taken away.

how bittersweet it was to know that photo had been taken of him after he had been brought back safe.

you unclipped the two photos on the back of the folder carefully. a soft smile curled across your lips at the picture of him and his buddy captain america.

his best friend steve.

it was nice to put an unmasked face to steve’s name.

it was strange to see him with short hair— to remember him with it. it made it all the more hard to accept that his man was the same man you had spent every single day with up until your capture.

he was the same man you shared a cell with.

he was the same you are every meal with.

he was the same man you showered with.

he was the same man you punched and kicked and bit and fucked.

but it wasn’t the same man it all.

the man in these pictures was someone you hadn’t seen in a long, long time despite the fact that you had been with him just yesterday.

bucky was a ghost.

sometimes, you heard him whisper and you could see the remnants of him flickering in winter’s cold blue eyes— but bucky had died a long time ago.

and so had isla.

there was only the two of you.

you and winter.

you should’ve given yourself the grace to mourn them — bucky and isla — but it was too late to start.

you placed the picture of bucky and steve down and picked the other one up. you hummed audibly at the sight of his smile. it made you smile. something so automatic. something so sincere.

he was with his squad.

with a charming smile and a cigarette between his teeth, he was surrounded by his brothers-in-arms.

you were careful as you put everything back into his folder— as careful as placing flowers into a casket. you took one last look of the photo of him with the cut on his face.

you kissed the small hurt like you should’ve done back then to comfort him.

you held the folders out for agent fury to take. he was sitting in the chair by your bed. he had stayed quiet and let you…

grieve.

“will you keep them together?” you asked in a whisper. it was such a stupid request but it meant something to you.

those were more than just folders.

they were graves.

“sure,” nick said with a small nod.

you swallowed hard and looked anywhere else. your gaze fell upon the tv. “what is that for?”

“you said that you wanted everything we had on barnes.” nick said as he stood up. he clicked the lights off and flicked on the tv. “this is the rest of it.”

your brows drew together and you watched the screen intently as the camera fumbled. whoever was moving it was doing a piss-poor job of it. you could hear the clunky audio of the tripod bumping into things.

when the camera was finally set up, you saw the bar from the picture. it took a moment to find them but the camera settled on the two of them: bucky barnes and steve rogers.

you sat forward and ignored the pain it brought you. you could hear them laughing together over the music. over the chatter in the bar, you could hear his voice. they had no idea they were being filmed. they spoke like teenage boys as they caught up with each other.

“i really don’t like this whole ‘you’re-now-taller-than-me’ thing.” bucky said as he took a sip of his beer. “it freaks me out. i used to be able to fit you in my pocket, little man.”

steve chuckled and glanced over at him, “i like it.”

“of course, you like it. now you know what it’s like to look down at a woman and see her cleavage from above.” bucky said, wiggling his eyebrows.

steve blew a raspberry and rolled his eyes. “you’re a real dog, buck, y’know that?”

“woof! woof! woof!” bucky barked, throwing his arm around his best friend.

the two of them downed their beers together before the camera turned off.

the tv screen flickered and you watched as nick changed the tape. when the next video started, you sat back in your bed and let the tension in your shoulders drop.

it was an army home-video. the cameraman made his way passed each and every person in the squad. you saw him in the background.

shirtless with two human arms.

it made you smile.

he was shaving in front of a small mirror. as the camera man walked around and he caught wind that he was being filmed, he started flexing in the background. he kissed his muscles and winked.

“look at barnes,” laughed one of the soldiers.

“guys, c’mon, this is supposed to be a serious documentary for roger’s whole big thing. we are living through a historical moment in time. it’s important!” the cameraman complained.

“oh, this is important alright.” bucky said as he walked up to the camera. he leaned in close to it and batted his eyelashes. “hello ladies. like what you see?”

the camera turned away. “you’re going to fog up my lens, jackass!”

“oh, great heavens!” bucky cried out in a god awful posh accent.

the camera turned in time to catch him with his middle fingers up. he hid them behind his back and bowed politely, “good evening.”

“roger’s, how the hell did you put up with this guy?” asked one of the soldiers.

“to be fair, bucky did a lot of putting up with me.” steve said as the camera turned towards him.

“he used to be the size of my pinky picking fights with guys who could toss him over their heads like a sack of potatoes.” bucky said. he stepped into frame beside steve as he pulled on a shirt. he pointed at the camera and said, “america, i want you to know that our nations hero used to be an instigator and feral little street rat that used to not only get his ass royally kicked but mine, too.”

“i will not confirm or deny anything at this time.” steve said with a bow of his head.

“barnes when you’re not getting your ass kicked, what’s it like being captain america’s best friend?” one of the soldiers asked. he held the end of a hairbrush towards the two of them and pretended to interview them.

bucky grabbed ahold of the brush and started screaming into the camera. the whole room erupted into laughter.

steve took the fake mic and said, “for those who don’t know, that means ‘i love you,’ in german. isn’t he just so kind?”

the two of them laughed together, smiling at each other before the tv went black.

music began to play.

your breath got stuck in your throat as the melody floated through the air towards you. it struck you in the heart. the trumpet’s melody was familiar.

this was the song he would hum to himself.

clips began to roll across the screen of him. videos that had him in the background. some more soundless videos of him walking around the bunks and sticking his tongue out at the camera. there were clips of him walking alongside his platoon— walking with steve in his captain america uniform.

the last clip of him ever taken was a video of him right before the howling commandos followed captain america onto the train.

he never returned from that mission.

and you couldn’t help but notice how nervous he looked on the screen in front of you.

you wanted to reach out and save him— but nick shut the tv off.

for a moment, the room was completely dark. it was so dark that you expected to feel the bed rattle as he tossed and turned somewhere below you in his bunk.

but he wasn’t here.

and when nick turned the lights on, you were faced with the horrible emotion now pressing down onto your chest for the first time.

you missed him.

you missed winter.

you couldn’t show it because you could not be weak now of all times— but you were afraid. you had been told so much. shown so much. you remembered so much.

all you wanted was him.

and you missed him.

you missed bucky because isla missed bucky and that part of you — no matter how fleeting she was now— had the privilege to know him for even the smallest amount of time.

and that was a gift.

a gift that you promised yourself you would never forget again.

“now,” agent fury said as he sat down beside you. he pulled a recorder out of his jacket and clicked it on. he placed it on the table beside your bed. “i want answers.”

“you told me that shield knew more about either of us than i could imagine. what questions could you possibly have for me?” you asked before he could.

he grinned at you. “your friend agent nikta patrova defecting from hydra to join shield may have bought him a few brownie points, but we’re only selling lemon tarts right now. you, miss constantinescu, happen to have enough lemon tart points to buy out the whole lemon tart bake sale shield is hosting.”

“i’m not fond of word games.” you said with a roll of your eyes. “and don’t ever call him my friend. he is no friend of mine.”

“yeah, i put that together when you threw a knife into his chest and nearly killed him.” nick said.

nick watched your face go pale and your shoulders tense. he glanced behind him, as if he could see nikta from where he sat right now.

“he’s…alive?” you asked in a whisper.

“he is.” nick said.

“go on and ask him all your questions then. he will know more than i will.” you said with a scowl.

“miss constantinescu, im going to be straight with you. the questions i am going to ask you are not to find out intel about project winter or project vampire. you’re right. we know all that. that’s why you’re here with me now.”

“this,” nick gestured between the two of you. “is an interview.”

you recoiled the smallest bit. “what?”

“an interview, miss constantinescu. shield has known about your existence for some time now thanks to agent nikta’s guilty conscious— and it’s taken a lot to find you. it’s a known fact that you and sergeant barnes are highly trained and lethal expert assassins, but all it takes is one look into either of your project files to show loud and clear that you two are only following orders in order to see another day.”

“that is why shield is offering you a chance.” nick said as he leaned back in his chair.

“a chance…” you repeated the word. it didn’t feel right coming off your tongue. “what kind of chance?”

“a chance to do the right thing.” nick said. he crossed his arms against his chest, maintaining a lax posture as to not put you anymore on edge.

if only he knew how much worse seeing him pretend to be casual made you feel.

“and my options are?” you asked softly.

“you join shield today — right now — and your record is scrubbed clean. fresh start. a new life for you while working for us— helping us bring down hydra at its most weakest spots.”

nick shrugged, “or you go to a maximum security prison in the middle of the ocean where you will never see the sun again.”

you closed your eyes and you couldn’t help but laugh. covering your mouth with the tips of your fingers, you giggled.

“something funny, miss constantinescu?” ageny fury asked, raising his brows.

“yeah. yeah, you know, it’s really funny to me that you think i have a choice in all this. you think that just because you showed me a folder of the woman i once was and i shed a few tears over some dead soldier that what? i’m not the monster you’ve been told i am?”

“i am much worse,” you whispered like a reluctant promise, as if you were trying to spare him from the truth. “i know no other life than the one i was made for. i kill, i eat, i freeze, and i do it all again.”

“there is no choice for me, agent fury, because hydra will come for me. they will come and they will find me. i will not jeopardize what little space i’ve carved out for myself in the rock of my cell for a fresh start that won’t last when they find me. when they know i’ve betrayed them, they will take me from him— and that is not something i can live with.”

“aren’t you alone now?” nick asked. he glanced around. “where is the winter soldier?”

you laughed a again. “men like you think you know everything, don’t you?”

“don’t i?” nick smiled at you and scooted his chair closer to your bedside. “you know, i find the nature of you incredibly fascinating. they did a lot of work on you. you are technically a super soldier— but they gave you special teeth and rewired your olfactory nerve. i know of your dietary habits but they use a strange word in your files that i can’t help but think is a bit out of place.��

“bloodlust. that’s what they call it when you fall into spells of rage. you can wipe out of a whole platoon of men all with your teeth, isn’t that right?” nick asked.

you said nothing.

“but see, here’s the thing i just don’t believe. i don’t believe that you become this insatiable, feral monster at the sight of blood. if you did, then you sure kept a tight grip on yourself on the street yesterday when it was raining blood.” he said.

you tried to lie. “my mask was stuck.”

“bullshit,” nick said, pointing a finger at you. “i call bullshit because i’ve spent a long, long time reading each of your files and i’ve gotten real good at reading between the lines.”

“i believe that you have codewords of your own, don’t you, miss constantinescu? just like the winter soldier, when they are said you have no control over what happens next until someone snaps you out of it.” nick said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

you leaned towards him and asked in a whisper, “are you expecting a gold star from me?”

nick smiled. “so it is true then.”

“in situations that seem dire, the winter soldier will do what needs to be done.” you said with very little feeling.

“and what is that?” nick asked.

you took a slow, deep breath and met his eyes.

“he will let me off my leash.”

nick sat back in his chair and nodded. “and is this the only instance you know of that there are words used to control you?”

you swallowed hard. “i don’t know. i used to think not but…i don’t know anymore.”

“sometimes,” you bit your lip to try and stop yourself but it all came rushing out. “it’s like there is more missing than just…just the gaps from the black sleep. my memories from before they’ve always been gone, but sometimes….sometimes i’ll wake up and i won’t remember going to sleep. sometimes i don’t know how long i’ve really been out of the ice for.”

“i applaud you for trying but the reason why you can’t appeal to the side me you’re hoping to reach, agent fury, is because she isn’t there.” you said as you looked at him. you shook your head and shrugged your shoulders, “she’s gone and i have a feeling that most of the time, i am too.”

“and the sergeant? it’s the same for him?” nick asked.

you nodded. “worse. they steal things from him. his past. his memory. his ability to feel. they strip him of it all. but with me, i think…i think they have found a way to put me to sleep while im awake.”

“and thats why it frustrates me when people talk about me and him like we’re different. we’re not. as much as i wish we were, we are one big puzzle. if you tried to put all his pieces together, it would be incomplete. it’s the same for me. to see the whole picture, you have to put us together.” you said softly.

nick said nothing for a long, long moment. you watched as he grabbed the recorder off the table and clicked it off. you lost some of the tension in your shoulders and eased back into the bed.

“do you know what the red room is?” nick asked.

“no.” you said. and it was the truth.

“the red room is hydra on meth and they pump out assassins like seahorses. hundreds at a time. they take these young girls and they put them through the worst of the worst— much like hydra has done to you and sergeant barnes.” nick said.

he rubbed his hand over his jaw, “in the red room, they sterilize the girls so that they cannot become mothers. it’s a way to control them. to make sure they never have anything that is more important than their job.”

“what does this have to do with me?” you asked.

“when you were in surgery,” he stopped himself. he cleared his throat and sat up straighter. “we confirmed the reason behind nikta patrova’s fear. you have a uterus and — from what we know about assassins like you and the girls who come from the red room — it is by no means unintentional that you have it.”

your brows drew tight together. “what are you saying?”

“do you get your period, miss constantinescu?” nick asked.

“sometimes,” you nodded. “but why does it matter?”

“the first piece of intel shield got from nikta of you two weren’t your laundry lists of assassinations or records of your personal projects as the winter soldier and weapon-v. shield received a project folder called winter solstice.”

“winter solstice is hydra’s next step to creating its next generation of weapons like you and sergeant barnes.” nick said. he frowned at you and you didn’t know why.

“so what? they’ll be making more soldiers like him? monsters like me?” you asked.

“not exactly.” nick said, his face twitching with unease. “nikta patrova has done a lot of bad things— most of them to you — but even for the worst kinds of men, somethings are just too much.”

“hydra wouldn’t be making the next generation of weapons themselves.” nick said,

“you and sergeant barnes would be.”

your heart stopped— time had stopped.

you closed your eyes and shook your head. over and over again, you shook your head.

instinctively, you placed a hand over your belly.

“that…that wouldn’t be…” you couldn’t find the words. “that’s not…”

“ethical?” nick listed words off for you. “possible? legal? true?”

you looked at him.

he frowned at you, “shield believes that based off the information nikta gave us that projects winter and vampire were merged in the hope that you two would make…little winters and vampires.”

“that is why you have a choice here, isla.” nick said as he stood up. he crouched down beside your bed and folded his hands beside yours. “it took a us a long, long, long time to find you both and it’s a good thing we did, even if we only got one of you away in the end. we won’t let you go back. we can’t. it’s not safe. most of all, it’s not right.”

“how long?”

“what?” nick asked.

you swallowed hard and asked, “how long has shield known about project winter solstice?”

“project winter solstice was put into motion twenty five years ago and nikta patrova sent it to shield almost immediately after it was drafted and accepted.” nick said.

you pressed your lips together in a thin line. tears stung your eyes and you did your best to blink them away. you opened your mouth to speak but you couldn’t say the right words.

“do…do he and i…” you couldn’t finish as your lips began to tremble. you covered you mouth with the tips of your fingers and stifled a sob. “do we have…”

“as of right now,” nick said as gently as he could, “there are three known children to have come from project winter solstice that belong to you and sergeant barnes.”

you closed your eyes and fought to stomach the idea. you couldn’t picture it. you couldn’t imagine it in the slightest. you touched your stomach and winced as the wound reminded you it was there.

it couldn’t be true.

but it was as true as isla constantinescu story was.

“i want to see him.” you whispered. you opened your eyes and looked at nicholas fury as tears slipped down your cheeks. “i want to see nikta patrova and i want the truth from him.”

nick nodded once and stood up with a sigh. “you’re real lucky that you didn’t kill him with that knife, kid.”

hey, guys, i’m sorry. let me get that outta the way. sorry, guys. i told ya this fic was gonna hurt! anyways, hope you enjoyed as always 🖤! also, i hope the pictures added a little something something to the reading experience. i wasn’t too sure how i felt about it at first but it grew on me. lmk your thoughts and pls lmk if you listen to strangers by ethel cain.

expect another update in a day or two unless something pops up for me irl. as always, let me know if you want to join the taglist. thanks so much for reading, guys. you all make me giggle and i look forward to feeding you with each update.

with the most love ever in the world,

crow. next part ->

taglist: @homiesexual-or-homosexual @carbonnite-copy @valckenaux @itsmadamehydra @normanreedus-blog

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

@zepskies

Wow this was such a surprise! I had no idea you were reading this today LMAO 🔮😉

God YES. This is the same idea I've explored in my sequel fics to ESC. It's the idea of wanting more time with a man who by necessity of his job, has to pop in and out of your life. As endearing as Russell is, that would be such a difficult obstacle to overcome in a new relationship.

Exactly! I think that it would be frustrating and a little bit sad to be in a long distance relationship especially with Russell, because he has a dangerous job and there are parts of it that he'd probably want to keep from you. I don't want to think that you couldn't rely on Russell, but I think there would be a little bit of disappointment when he couldn't make it back to you because there were complications or him having to leave suddenly for an emergency. It's funny because it kinda reminds me of how it would be to date Dean if you weren't a hunter and he was. I still need to read Every Second Counts! I'm going to add that to my tbr, which is getting longer every day 😅

Ugh I'm so glad she's got a man in her life that actually loves her and considers her the way she deserves. And if you ever write more of these two I would love to see this exploration of how Russell helps her feel beautiful and appreciated again. 💕

I know! This reader really deserves it, especially from what we all saw with her ex-husband 😒 But I really do want to make a series with these two because it would be really wonderful to show how Russell treats her so differently than any other man she's had in her life and does make her feel "beautiful and appreciated again." I feel like it would also kinda be like what you did with the reader in Midnight Espresso 💗

*snorts* yeah, like a mule, I'd imagine. 😆 But there's something so endearing about Russ wanting and insisting on fixing things around the house for her. Though of course I sympathize with her side of things. She just wants a nice healthy piece of her man. The showerhead can wait! 😏

I am obsessed with fix-it Russell! Imagining him getting his large hands dirty for me, working around the house WHEW🥵! And I can imagine him thinking of all the things this reader does at work and for her kids and him just wanting to make her life easier for when he's not there 🥹 But oh yeah, no, she likes when he fixes things but she really missed him (I would too tbh).

Oh how I cackled! 😝 She's playing dirty and I love it lmao! Girl get him!

She knows just how to work her man 😉 She will go to any level to get what she wants 👀 I don't judge her for that because it's what we all want lol.

💀💀 Get himmmmm!

Man does not know what hit him 😂

LMFAO. Okay, Russ took me out with that one. The audacity. 🤣🤣 Side note: but I love the word "salacious," especially because it fits so well with most Jackles characters. lol

It's a little bit of payback for her making him all hot and bothered 🤣 And oh yeah, I was really proud of that descriptor because we all know Ben or Dean would be throwing around some "salacious" winks 😉

Omg yay he's moving in!! That's a big step and I love that for them.

Yes! It's another step in the right direction to give Russell a more permanent place in her life and her in his! 🤗 Plus I like to think that she's the kind of person that would hate that Russell is more nomadic, doesn't have a place to call home, and that he doesn't eat a home cooked meal.

Girl Yessss - I love the body positivity in this storyverse so damn much. Thank you for continuing this giving me more Russell goodness, I really enjoy how you write him! 💜

Aww thank you so much my lovely friend 🤗 I'm so happy you enjoyed it! I really love this reader and Russell and I'm hoping that I'll get to write out more of their story and build their relationship more between this fic and Long As I Can See the Light soon! ❤️

It's Not A Wet T-Shirt Contest

Pairing: Russell Shaw x f!reader, Reader POV

Prompt: “Is that supposed to be leaking?”

Requested by: @luci-in-trenchcoats

Summary:  When your boyfriend comes into town to surprise you one weekend, you thought that you’d spend it together, turns out he has other plans. Reader is a single mom and is the niece of Teddi and Velma. Reader is described as curvy. (Technically takes place in my Long As I Can See The Light Universe, but can be read as a stand-alone.)

Tropes: Established Relationship

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: I'm going to label this 18+ because I made it more spicy than I meant it to, References to Sex, Sexual innuendo, Little bit of self-deprecating thought (reader), Cursing, Kissing, Idiots who love each other lots. I think that's everything?

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n if any. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

Main Masterlist

Tracker Masterlist

A/N: Alright, y'all this is my first fic written for my prompt celebration requested by the wonderful @luci-in-trenchcoats 😊 ENJOY!

You took another long sip of coffee from your favorite hand-painted "World's Best Mom Mug" and tried to block out the symphony of the colorful curse words and banging coming from your upstairs master bathroom.

When your boyfriend showed up this morning out of the blue to surprise you, this was not what you expected to be doing. Well, his appearance was a surprise to you, but you had a sneaking suspicion that your Aunt Teddi and her wife Velma had gotten a heads up that Russell was coming. They'd shown up about an hour before Russell had to take your son and daughter for a movie and a sleepover at their house.

But the bigger surprise was your current dilemma.

You'd expected to be tangled up with Russell in bed for hours trying to convince him to never leave you again, not be waiting downstairs while he tried to install a new shower head in your master bathroom.

You only blamed yourself.

You'd let it slip that the water pressure wasn't quite right and something that you'd thought would take a plumber twenty minutes had turned into an all day affair for Russell. 

Instead of taking you to bed, Russell had dragged you out to his car and to the nearest hardware store where he let you pick out a new shower head and where he got supplies, all the while you told him that he didn't need to, and Russell only kissed away the frown on your lips leaving you wanting more.

You always wanted more.

Russell and you had been together for five and a half months, and each time he left you found yourself wanting more. 

More of him and more time.

It was frustrating to be with a man who had a job that would pull him out of your arms as quickly as he’d appeared and leave your bed cold once more. 

It had been cold before and you didn’t want to go back to that. Didn’t want to be reminded of the cold bed over the final years of your marriage when your husband’s favorite phrases echoed through your bedroom after you put your children to bed:

“I’m tired” and “Not tonight baby, I have to work.”

Those last few years of your marriage were frustrating and did little to boost your self-esteem. Especially when your husband made you think you were annoying him and made you feel stupid for wanting more. 

With Russell there was no such thing.

When the two of you started dating and Russell realized exactly what your husband had done to you, he'd spent every waking moment making you feel more beautiful than you ever had. He listened to you, understood you, and did more for you than your husband had done in all the years that you'd been married.

But each time he left, Russell always took a little bit of yourself with him. You didn't sleep well when he was gone doing God knows what, God knows where, only that when he finally called or showed up to tell you he was okay, you didn't let go of him for hours.

There's another loud bang followed by a string of curses that make you sigh into your mug.

For fucks sake, that stupid showerhead is getting more action than I am.

You loved your boyfriend to bits, but you hated how stubborn he was sometimes.

You straighten up from where you lounged against the countertop in your kitchen, taking one more sip of coffee, before you make the trek through your living room and up the stairs towards your bedroom. 

This wasn't the first time that Russell fixed something in your home. He liked it when you made him a list of things to do when he visited, things like cleaning the gutters, nailing down the front step that always caught underfoot, mowing the lawn, etc. Things that Russell wanted to do for you because he knew how busy you got at work and with your children.

It made you love him more, because you’d never met someone so selfless before. 

When you enter the bathroom, Russell is standing in your shower, just inside the large glass double doors, soaking wet, and holding a wrench.

His usual easy smile has slipped into a frustrated frown while he stares at the bright silver shower head hanging on the wall. 

“I see things are going well.” You snort out a laugh, admiring the scene before you. 

Russell’s dark hair drips forward in lazy strands against his cheeks, his t-shirt clings to his chest like a second skin, catching in the dips and curves of your boyfriend’s muscular torso, and his usual blue jeans are stained a dark navy. The edge of his t-shirt pulls up from the top of his jeans with the stretch of his arms, giving you a view of the delicious stripe of skin just below his belly button.

For the love of french toast, the guy could win a wet t-shirt contest without batting one of those ridiculously perfect eyelashes of his.

At this point you were still trying to figure out how the hell you landed this man and why the hell he kept coming back for more of you.

“Smooth as silk.” Russell gives you a lazy smile that makes you feel like butter on a pile of buttermilk biscuits. “I just finished.”

 “Really?” 

“Mhmm.”

“Huh.” You take a step closer to admire his handiwork, so close that you can feel the warmth of his breath ghost along the side of your face, making goosebumps trail over your skin. All it does is remind you of what the two of you could be doing instead of standing inside of your walk-in shower fully clothed and the things the two of you had done in this very shower the last time he was in town.  

"Is that supposed to be leaking?" You ask, pointing to the place where the plate of the shower head fastens to the wall and where there is a trickle of water dancing down the white subway tile backsplash.

"Oh shit." Russell sighs, his shoulders drooping when he notices the stream. “I can fix that."

You note his sheepish smile. “Rus, please let me call a plumber. You’ve been up here for two hours!” 

“No way! They overcharge you and it’s what I’m here for!” He argues.

Maybe I should try a different approach.

“Rus.” You say sweetly, putting both of your hands on his stomach. Russell’s familiar green eyes flick to your hands as you begin to move them up the wet t-shirt. “When you showed up today I thought we’d be doing something a little different with our time.” 

Russell swallows. “Baby-”

“And the longer you stay in here-” You breathe taking a step forward as you continue to move your hands up, tracing the hardened muscles beneath your palms. “The less time we have together.” You gently press a kiss to the space where his shirt meets the base of his neck and you can feel the bob of his throat as he swallows again. 

“I-” He tries again, but you feel his hands come down to the curve of your hips to ground himself there. 

“Don’t you want to spend time with me?” You murmur into his skin, pressing your chest against his as your hands work up to the back of his neck. The water from his clothes soaks into yours, but you’re not cold. 

“You’re fighting dirty.” He half groans, but you don’t feel bad. Judging by the way his hands have begun to squeeze your hips and pull you tighter against him, Russell was enjoying this as much as you were. 

“But it always works.” You purr against his throat with a smirk. 

“Fuck, baby I-“ 

“Yeah?” 

Your smirk grows the more you tease him. By now you could feel your own heartbeat thudding in your chest calling out to his and despite how cold Russell’s wet clothes are, heat was dancing along your skin. 

“I really want-“ There’s a grit along Russell’s voice, as if he’s trying to hold on to some shred of self-control.

You loved that you were able to do this to him, it made you feel powerful and sexy. Two things that you hadn’t felt in a long time. 

“Hmm?” You moan softly, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck while your lips continue their path along his skin.

He groans. “I really want to do this for you, but you’re making it kinda hard-“ 

“Really?” You mutter nipping along his jaw. “That’s what I’m making hard?”

Russell pulls back from you, holding your wrists in his large hands. But he looks far from angry. His green eyes flash a darkened pine, and dance with mischief. “Baby, trust me. There is nothing more that I want to do than show you how much I missed you.” 

“Then why-" You begin to say.

“Because I know that the second I do that, we’re not going to do anything else the rest of the time I’m here. And I want to do this for you.” Russell’s eyes shift a little lighter. He releases your wrists and cups your cheek with his large hand. You can see the love you have for Russell reflected back at you in his gaze

You sigh again a little disappointed. Today really wasn’t going the way you wanted it to.  “But I missed you.” 

“I could tell.” He smirks. “Maybe your shower head would last a little longer if you didn't wear it out." Russell sends you a salacious wink that makes you blush bright red.

“Shut up!” You slap him on the shoulder, cheeks flaming. 

Russell only smirks wider at you. “You know… I’ve got a solution for that.”

“Oh do you?” You ask innocently. 

Finally, we’re getting somewhere.

Russell hesitates, his hand still stroking your cheek softly. "I could move in."

It was the last thing that you were expecting him to say.

“See I've been thinking about this for a bit." Russell  clears his throat. “I know you can’t move because of the kids but... I want to be here in your life. I hate leaving you and each time I get done with a job I always find myself driving back to you. I don't want to be anywhere else.”

Your mouth is still open in shock, eyes wide. You couldn’t find the ability to speak.

In the months that followed your divorce you’d been on a couple of dates before you met Russell, where the mere mention of your kids sent your dates scuttling into the shadows or back to whatever swamp they crawled out of, but here, standing in front of you was a man who didn’t just want you, he wanted you, and he wanted your children. 

It was a combination that you thought you’d never find, and then you’d met Russell. A man who not only loved you, he made you feel beautiful, alive, happy, and seen in a way that you hadn’t been in years. 

Not to mention that both of your children absolutely loved Russell, and he did a good job of scaring off your skeevy ex who refused to come around whenever Russell was in town because the last time Russell had broken his nose and threatened other bodily harm.

Russell’s soft smile drops a little the longer you remain silent. “But if you think that’s a bad idea or if you think it’s too fast-”

You pull him down to you for the searing kiss that you’d wanted all day long, feeling the drag of his beard against your soft skin, and the warm pillow of his lips moving in tandem with yours. 

His hands run along the curves of your body, trailing fire in their wake, the same curves that you’d hidden under long cardigans and oversized clothes, the ones that you cursed each time you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. But not since you’d met Russell. 

Not when he’d taught you that each blemish or curve you once cursed was something that could make him lose his last shred of self control and in turn, make Russell lose himself in everything you were. 

“It’s not too fast! I hate when you leave. I hate waking up in my bed each morning and not having you there holding me. ” You breathe before you kiss him again, soaking in everything that is Russell as you do. The roughness of his hands pushing up the shirt hung low on your hips, the smell of mint and gunmetal, the taste of the coffee he had this morning, and gentle drag of his wet hair against your cheeks that dip between the two of your faces when you kiss. “I want you here with me all the time.”

“Then I’ll stay.” Russell smiles so wide you can feel the click of his teeth against yours when he pulls you back in for a kiss. 

“Wait.” You smirk, leaning your forehead against his, your hands gently cupping his bearded cheeks. "If I say yes, I have one condition."

"Anything."

"Please let me call a plumber."

Russell rolls his eyes at you, but squeezes you tighter against him, green eyes flashing with mischief. “Not a chance baby.”

A/N: It was so fun to write this prompt and also to come back to these two! Thank you so much @luci-in-trenchcoats for requesting this one 🥰 If anyone else would like to ask me a prompt for my prompt celebration, here is the post:

Prompt Celebration

As always, thank you so much for reading! Reblogs, comments, and likes are not required, but are always appreciated 😊

Taglist:

@roseblue373 @livya99 @mrsjenniferwinchester @zepskies @louisanalady

@yvonneeeee

[legendofmorons]

Sky only one bed

One bed (morning confessions)

No warnings just some fluff

Your excitement to sleep at an inn is only half diminished when you find that you've been paired to a room with only one bed. It's not the end of the world. Traveling with this group, you've seen everyone hurt or in various states of dress.

The issue is actually just that there's only one bed and the person you are sharing the room (and apparently bed) with is Sky.

That... makes it sound bad. It isn't!

Sky is wonderful, kind if a little prone to teasing. After all every Link is a gremlin at heart.

The problem, or the root of it, is that you have feelings for the man... and you are worried about making a fool of yourself.

"Well, I can take the floor?" Sky offers from the doorway behind you.

You stand in the middle of the room and turn, "Absolutely not."

"I don't mind."

"I mind." You cross your arms.

You know that if you offer to sleep on the floor he'll shoot it down. Which, if nice because that would probably mess up ypur back and neck.

You know the bed is big enough.

Well... You suppose you'll just have to suck up your feelings about this and share. The bed is big enough for it.

"We can share." You say, hoping you come of as confident.

Sky smiles even as his cheeks dust pink, "Are you sure?"

"Yes. It's big enough anyways." You offer a smile back. "Besides there are worse people to share a bed with."

"Oh yeah?"

You laugh a little. "Definitely. Wind kicks in his sleep, little monster."

"You don't say." Sky laughs.

You snicker again. "I'm pretty sure. Come on it's been a long day we should try to sleep."

"Probably so." Sky says as he steps fully into the room and shuts the door.

You cross to the corner of the room, setting your things down before stripping into your under layers. An under shirt and underwear is much better to sleep in than full gear.

You can hear Sky doing the same somewhere on behind you.

It's almost scary to bear so little protection after so long with this group, but you know you're safe here. Regardless of any reciprocation Sky may or may not have for your feelings, he would never hurt you. Not on purpose.

Crossing to the bed and getting in is more daunting than you want to admit. It's a comfortable bed, at least.

You watch Sky get into bed, laying like a stiff log beside you.

"That's got to be uncomfortable." You say with a soft smile.

"It's fine. I don't want to encroach."

"I'm not going to die if you end up touching my arm, but thank you for thinking of me."

Sky looks at you with wide eyes. "I sprawl out usually I just don't want to bother you."

A rather silly idea occurs to you. "Would it be easier if we cuddled?"

You can feel your face heat up, but it's a genuine question. There is no answer that will be easy on your heart, but you've already asked.

Sky flushes a little. "If... you don't mind?"

"I offered." You manage.

You both shift until you're comfortable. The soft 'is this okay' or 'can I do this' is asked until you settle down.

Sky lays on his back in the middle of the bed, your head on his chest and his arm wrapped around you. His heart beats rapidly in his chest like bass drum beating along to a fast song you don't know.

It's nice.

It's torture because this isn't quite what you imagined this situation would be. There's no kisses.

It's okay though, because Sky is a good friend and you feel safe.

"Are you going to be able to sleep?" You ask.

Sky hums, "I should be. Why?"

"Your heart's fast is all."

"Oh." Sky says.

"I didn't mean to be rude-"

"You weren't." Sky assures you.

"Okay."

You let yourself sink into the comfort and safety, relishing the warmth of the man holding you.

Sky's breathing is slow and steady. Even as his heart continues it's rapid staccato.

You lay there long enough that you are all but asleep when you hear it.

"You're beautiful like this." Sky whispers.

You manage to open your eyes, face warming. "Thank you."

"Oh- I thought you were asleep. I mean it though."

"Thank you."

"Go back to sleep, sunshine."

You feel far more awake at this new nickname. "Sunshine?"

"Oh. Uh-"

"I like that one." You decide, ignoring the hope blossoming in your heart.

"Good." Sky says.

Sleep finds you both, the embrace of dreams is nothing new.

-------

Sky wakes and immediately closes his eyes again the sunlight streaming in from the window. He pulls the thing again his chest closer in protest-

That's not a thing that's a person.

Sky opens his eyes again, quickly looking down and seeing you.

Right.

Goddess above, Sky was such a fool last night. Letting his feelings fall all over the ground. It's a miracle he didn't make you uncomfortable on accident.

"I'm so lucky." Sky mutters to himself.

You groan, burying your face in his chest before you bolt up with a gasp.

"What- Sky?" You ask with blurring vision.

"Morning." Sky says.

You blink a few times, the sigh. Lowering yourself back down to your original position with your head on his chest you just pout. "No."

"No?" Sky chuckles.

"Don't wanna."

"Fair enough."

"I was having a nice dream." You sigh, sounding a little out if it still. "Was nice, we were married and having a picnic."

"Oh?" Sky asks.

"Yes."

"Sounds nice."

"It was. Too bad it's not real." You yawn, burying your face in his chest again.

"It could be." Sky offers on instinct.

"What?" You ask, looking up at him.

Sky gives a nervous smile. "It could be real. If you meant that, if you actually want a life with me. If I'm miss reading-"

"Really?"

"Yes." Sky breathes out.

You smile, giddy and adoreable. "We're so talking about this later."

"After breakfast."

"Sounds lovely." You say, setting back down and closing your eyes. "I just want to lay here for now."

"Sounds perfect." Sky says, pulling you a little closer while fixing the blankets.

[twopoppies]

hello Gina, hope you’re having a good day or night right now, whenever you’re reading this:) i believe Harry and Louis are still together and i’m not a new larrie, but i’m pretty new to tumblr and even tho i checked most of your Denials tag, i still wanted to ask about your overall stance on the denials; i know we are talking about things happening over the course of 15 years so it’s not easy to answer simply; but do you think the denials in the past were because of Syco, of the whole management, like you know - they (mostly Louis) were forced to do it? and how about now, the last 2-3 years, do you think there is still a posibility of them being forced or is it more about PR, marketing, as from i managed to notice, the biggest websites post about Louis only when he talks about Larry. for me it’s all a little bit confusing and i noticed that the denials are usually so incredibly weird. like the iphone conspiracies, phone calls, chicken parmesan - so messy. my question is more about what do you think was & still is the reason for constant denials, the root of it happening? my faith is pretty strong and solid, i think we got enough proof from them to be sure of it all; but i can’t lie, sometimes i feel lost thinking about the denials, wondering if it’s PR, if it’s any contract, whatever they signed. if you wanna link any other posts, yours or from other larries unpacking it all - i would be very thankful, but i also wanted to know your opinion on this. also, i know you’re not Louis and you’re not Harry, we can’t be 100% sure what’s exactly going on so i’m just asking about your personal thoughts on this topic. thank you so much in advance and sorry for making it long x

Hi love. I don’t think I have any other links besides the larry denials tag, but other than Daisie, I think @skepticalarrie has some good stuff on her blog.

As for my opinion, yeah, I think the earlier denials were pushed by Simon/Sony and Louis really had no choice. The more recent ones confuse me, mostly because they’ve been so random and out of nowhere and just dumb. Every time he does it, he loses fans. On top of it, it not only doesn’t get rid of larries, it actually cultivates a new breed of larrie who think everything he says is a lie and everything he does is a clue.

My only real guess for why he does it is that it would be easier for them if larries would be a bit more laid back these days. I think they know they have support if they were to come out (although I don’t think that’s happening soon), but they don’t need us screaming about it at the top of our lungs.

I do think they’ve had some rough patches over the years since hiatus. But I tend to think things are in a better place now and that they’re together. But very truly, I have no interest in proving it and I really think at this stage in the game, the obsessive “bluegreening” of some larries does HL more harm than good.

[bluepandastarfish]

CaitVi x reader angst part 5

so... consistent uploads went out the window....

i dont like this part very much, the next part will be better!!

warnings: threats, not great law enforcement, delulu reader, me trying to make a character who has no lines in the show somewhat important.

part 4

And it was, the dream that is. Well this time it was actually a dream instead of a daydream or fantasy because with Caitlyn finally holding you as you fall asleep, drifting off became easier. You both had the understanding that nothing was completely ‘forgiven’ but that you both needed each other. Arguing would only drive you both to act more foolishly then you already were, and if anyone denied the inherent need for each other you could reference the way vi was acting now that she had neither of you. 

You made an effort to get up in the morning, help Caitlyn dress by doing up the ludicrous amount of buttons on her uniform, and dine together. You ate things from the undercity, catering your palate to be more inclusive of the local cuisine there. You would chuckle to yourself sometimes when you imagined how Vi would look eating the slimy, greasy foods and would pointedly ignore the curious glances Caitlyn threw your way. 

Speaking of, she was eating less at meal times which wasn't all that concerning since this was clearly food she wasn’t used to, but it still made you glare from across the table everytime she sneered at her plate or moved the food around avoidently. 

You had a plan, one that didn’t quite align with whatever business Caitlyn was conducting. Vi wouldn't listen to you if you went to her alone again and you'd rather not deal with the heartache once more. And however unconventional your idea may seem, nothing was going to stop you from getting her back. 

It was an organized mess in your head, acknowledging the fact that some of your thoughts were mildly delusional and that some of the memories of the three of you together were probably just daydreams. You knew it was an emotional response and with that awareness came a certain clarity that all of the disorder and chaos would disappear once you were all together again. 

Stage one was keeping tabs on Violet herself, ensuring that she didn’t do anything too harmful or stupid while you weren't there to watch over her. It would be a little more difficult to find someone in the undercity willing to report back to you about her, but it wouldn't be impossible. If you remember correctly there was a man with her at the bar you'd visited near the fight pit, he had appeared and joined the team caitlyn put together with the help of Vi vouching for him before everything went down. It’d made you moderately jealous honestly, you'd never been quite skilled enough at fighting to really help caitlyn and vi in that area and at times it felt like something pushing a distance between you and them. 

At least now the man would prove useful. 

Having him arrested quietly was easy enough and it only took the afternoon, with Caitlyn busy brooding in her cape she wouldn't get herself involved either. Your family had never been as influential as hers, but it was an important enough standing for the young enforcers you’d hired to tremble at the glare you sent when they asked questions. 

They brought him to the greenhouse at the edge of the Kiramman estate, one that barely anyone visited thanks to it being rather small. Mostly it was used as if it were an oversized birdhouse more than anything else but that wasn’t important right now. 

He looked like he was trying to stare intensely but thanks to the semi distant look in his eyes it didn’t work as well as he probably hoped. His sluggish blinking made you wonder if he was drunk and it almost made you angry to imagine that the only familiar face Vi was surrounding herself with was a drunkard. 

You shooed away the three enforcers, not without some worried glances your way, but in the end it only took a comment over your shoulder for them to make their way hurriedly out of the space. 

“Enforcers who can’t follow orders? I’m sure commander kiramman would be chuffed to hear all about you.” you drawled, not taking your eyes off the unmoving man thrown haphazardly on the floor in front of you. You heard them all shuffle to leave and when the door finally shut you softened your expression significantly. If he willingly became an enforcer without compensation he must have some kind of compassion, in any case it was your best bet at getting him under your thumb. “Hello, i hoped you’d remind me of your name before we begin?” 

His expression finally shifted to something readable, unimpressed with your words. “Loris. Can I ask why I was dragged here?” 

He clearly recognised you at least, otherwise you doubted he’d give you his name. You cleared your throat gently, reslising now that it was much easier to plan these sorts of things then execute them. Knowing you wouldn't be good with lying, you decided to do your best to be honest with him. 

“i-um .” you pause. “Well, I'm concerned about Vi, obviously.”

He nodded slightly, sitting up straight with a small grunt. “I got that, from all the shouting I earned from her the day after you visited.” 

It made you jealous again, stupidly so. An ugly thing inside you reared its head at the idea that he knew anything about you and Vi’s relationship. “Well-” you cut yourself off, not wanting to voice this jealousy out loud. “That's not what I brought you here to talk about. I need your help with her.”

He looked almost regretful for a moment, speaking quite honestly. “I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. And i'm already trying to help her but-” 

“Are you? That’s funny, when I went to see her she looked worse then Caitlyn described her straight out of stillwater.” you seethed, a sneer twitching onto your face. It was misplaced anger, but it gave you more of that confidence you lost moments before. “I don't care about what you're doing now, obviously it's not working. What I need from you is just to keep tabs on her and report back to me.” 

He narrowed his eyes. “Oh yeah? I'm sure she’d love you sticking your nose in on her when she clearly wants nothing to do with you.” 

Any kindness you wanted for him during this interaction was gone. You suck in a deep breath, settling a vicious glare down onto him. The ugly thing reared its head again- no not reared, more like lunged. And so did you. 

You leapt forward, gripping his collar and dragging him up a bit (not much due to your differing body types). You panted with your teeth bared, getting close to his face as he suddenly became a lot more aware and invested into the conversation. Whether he didn't have the energy to move his arms or he was simply too shocked to, it didn't matter. 

“Dont talk shit about what she’d like.” you hiss at him. “I fucking know her, and i dont care what you want in return, your going to go down to that filthy pit she wallows in and your going to watch out for her and tell me. Her. Every. Move.” 

From there the interaction did make you feel slightly deranged, but with the assurance that it was well worth it you were comfortable to push that feeling aside. The tone seemed to work on him anyway which made you hold little room for regret with the way you’d spoken to him. 

It was working wonderfully, a few days of receiving updates from him caused a whirlwind of emotions to rush through you. The news of her rushing back to her hovel with girls made you angry and Caitlyn didn't want to question your episodes anymore in case it sent you back into your dissociative state. You found yourself reading over the misery your girlfriend was experiencing with a keen eye and used the excuse of it being reality to justify the daydreams you had about the written events now. 

Caitlyn had been waning and you could tell, her days dragging on and her face becoming permanently set into a frown. Gentle evenings of silence were shared between the two of you as you both found solace in one another. The daydreams seemed to stop when surrounded by the reality of her and caitlyns own worries melted away at the sight of you waiting on one of the sofas with a soft smile and tea. 

Ambessa had been harsher with their sparing together, it was occasionally evenings that the two women would fight and no matter how many times you approached the door in jealousy of the grunting and groaning coming from within, that barbaric right hand of hers sent a questioning glare that stopped you going any further. These were the people you couldn't sway with your control over enforcers or caitlyn, and it made you angry. 

So in reality, while the plan was going well enough, you were angry most of the time Caitlyn wasn't there to distract you. 

And then phase two commenced, finding that terrorising little sister of hers.

[themoonbutspooky]

Psychiatric justice, reform of the current psychiatric system, and opposing medical abuse both as it intersects with psychiatric abuse and in general are all parts of anti-psychiatry. So is solidarity with all abuse victims and victims of medical mistreatment and ableism.

I’m still learning about the history and the specific politics of current anti-psych and related communities so I can only speak for what I mean when I say I’m anti-psychiatry and I hope OP, some-stars, the 23 other people who reblogged this and anyone else who sees this takes a moment to read what I have to say.

I do not want to take tools out of the hands of people trying to help themselves. I don’t want to take away anyone’s CBT work book or prozac prescription. I don’t even want to take people out of hospitals they want to be in. In fact I want medical insurance to cover cheaper easier less biased access to these tools.

The thing is I also want everyone to have access to everything else they need to make their own decisions about their well being. This includes information In a form they can most easily understand that is as accurate and complete as possible. It includes the time space and resources to process that information and make those decisions under as little economic and social pressure as possible.

It also includes the legal right to follow through on those decisions.

Psychiatry as a system does not share that last goal with me. One of the core purposes of psychiatry is to deny some people that legal right. You cannot separate psychiatry as a historical and present day practice from the hierarchal categorization of people. You cannot separate it from the emotional, physical and social harm caused by the enforcement of that hierarchy.

Say we were able to account for bias (racial, gendered, economic, etc) in diagnosis and treatment. Say Black men weren’t over diagnosed with schizophrenia compared to white peers with the same medical history and symptoms. Say racial and gender bias weren’t factors in the diagnosis of BPD which just so happens to be diagnosed more in Black women than other groups. Say we identify and eliminate completely bunk diagnosis like ODD. Say we’re on to the DSM twelve and all these specific issues have been resolved.

Unfairness would still be present in diagnosis and treatment because it didn’t arise from innocent scientific mistakes. Unfairness, psychiatric violence, and unequal access arise from an inherently and intentionally biased definition of what it means to be a person. A crazy person. A healthy person. An adult. A citizen.

Diagnosis aren’t strictly biological categories they are political ones. Psychiatrists hold the legal power to approve, deny, and force treatment based on those political categories. They are routinely called upon to do so for the sake of a political agenda.

Even if some individual psychiatrists, some offices or some organizations are doing good lifesaving work it is in spite of the structure as a whole not as a consequence of it.

Who is and isn’t “crazy” or “anxious” or “psychotic” or “suicidal” or “hysterical”? What counts as “Trauma”? How normal and acceptable are suicidal urges? intents? Actions? What do I owe to a suffering member of my community and what does my community owe me when I suffer? Whose job is it to fix and explain that suffering?

At their core these are questions about what it means to be a person and have a mind. Psychiatry is one framework that can be used to answer them. I don’t like the answers it’s come up with.

I’m anti-psychiatry because I’m committed to finding better answers.

i have zero fucking patience for "anti psychiatry" people. period. medical abuse exists everywhere. i agree that we need widespread medical reform. but by specifically targeting psychiatry you are regurgitating scientology talking points and perpetuating stigma about mental illness and psychiatric medication

[ghoulfuckersincorporated]

hi i just wanted to say i LOVE lovelovelove how you write and how you keep your headcanons of how these ghouls would act as partners pretty damn realistic as compared to other writers ive read from. also i HEAVILY enjoy how you write dear old joshua graham and explore how him being a legate for ~30 years would affect his mentality. like yes hes god fearing and tries to do right by the bible but he was also the meanest bitch for a long time that evil doesnt just leave you once you decide to pick up a bible again. it has made me think about him in a whole new way and most of the ways i think about him now are even more debauched than before and for that i thank you. youre amazing never stop writing and sharing your writing! and i hope you recover quickly and as painlessly as possible from your covid

This is so sweet! Thank you so much. I do try hard to incorporate a lot of realism into my ideas (as much as one can have in a post-apocalyptic sci-fi setting, that is), mostly because I think it makes them at least a little easier to connect to. But I believe it also helps to distinguish the characters who don't get a lot of lines/screen time from one another when you make them feel a little more real.

I totally understand why fans who hate Joshua hate him, but he's just far too interesting a character in terms of his history and his perspective for me to not be at least a little obsessed with him. Plus, you know, the way he's clearly oozing that special brand of religious sexual repression and/or personal fear of intimacy that eventually leaves you a foaming-at-the-mouth freak. That's the shit I like, tbh.

I'd argue that one of the things that fuels Joshua's inner debauchery the most is how vehemently he denies it even exists. Yes, he admits to being an overtly bloodthirsty and angry person in the past (and I think he'd be pretty frank in divulging that he still deals with anger every single day), but how could he deny it? There's historical record of what a shitty, violent person he's been in the past. His personal perversions, however, he can completely deny the existence of as long as he can keep them under wraps/ignore them. It's when he meets someone who makes that denial difficult or impossible that things get both sexy and very messy.

There's no way that man wouldn't resent you at least a little for making him so horny all the time, even if he really likes and respects you as a person. More likely he'd resent you a lot. Joshua gets angry with you, not because of anything you've done, but because you prove to him that he's failed to purge himself of his uglier characteristics, those he deeply wishes he could just pray away: his punitive jealousy, his lust, his desire for control. He wants you deeply, but you also torment him.

Anyway, I'm never upset to hear that I've made someone look at a character differently (but in, like, an off-beat horny way). Thanks for reading!

[vanilladollette]

Your dating headcanons for moon dong eun was really good ❤️❤️❤️

Could you please write the same for Jae Jun and Do Yeong? Thanx ✨✨✨

Dating Ha Do-yeong would include . . .

Author's note: I hope you don't mind me separating them into separate posts. I will do Jae-Joon!

Do-yeong does nothing without careful consideration, and this includes relationships. He is not the type to fall head over heels instantly. Instead, he observes, studies, and contemplates before making a move.

He notices the way you carry yourself, your intelligence, and how you handle difficult situations. He appreciates a sharp mind and someone who can keep up with his pace.

Before officially making a move, he tests the waters. You’ll notice him standing a little closer during conversations, offering small but thoughtful gestures (like sending a car when it’s raining or ensuring you’re seated comfortably at an event).

Unlike someone who openly flirts, Do-yeong prefers exclusivity. He invites you to a private golf match, a members-only gallery, or a dinner at a high-end restaurant where he can focus solely on you without the noise of the world.

Do-yeong is a dominant personality in business, but he values a partner who stands strong. He doesn’t need someone to submit—he needs someone who complements him, someone who challenges him in ways that excite him.

He enjoys discussing philosophy, business, and global affairs. If you’re well-read and articulate, he finds himself drawn to you even more. If you’re not, he enjoys introducing you to new ideas and hearing your perspectives.

With Do-yeong, words aren’t always necessary. A glance across a crowded room, a slight nod, or the way his hand briefly touches your lower back in reassurance—these moments are his way of showing affection

You’ll notice his love through the little things—how he remembers your schedule and arranges things to make your life easier, how he ensures your home is stocked with your favorite wines or how he has his driver pick you up when you’re exhausted.

Despite his busy schedule, Do-yeong values spending time together. Whether it’s a quiet evening at home with a glass of whiskey, a private yacht getaway, or simply reading in the same room, your presence alone is enough to put him at ease.

He is not openly jealous, but he is protective. If another man gets too close, Do-yeong won’t start a scene—he’ll simply position himself between you and the other person, his presence alone making it clear that you’re his

He’s the epitome of poise in social settings, but behind closed doors, his control slips just enough to show how deeply he feels. His kisses are slow yet consuming, his hands firm yet reverent, as if memorizing every inch of you.

He’s the kind of man who notices your stress even if you don’t say a word. He’ll run a bath for you after a long day, massage the tension from your shoulders, and whisper, “Let me take care of you.”

He isn’t overly vocal about his emotions, but the way he looks at you—like you’re the only person in the room—says everything he doesn’t. When he listens to you, he listens with his whole body, leaning in, eyes locked on yours, making you feel like your words are the most important thing in the world.

If he’s in love, he’s all in. He won’t entertain distractions or unnecessary drama. His loyalty is quiet but unwavering—when Do-yeong chooses you, there is no one else.

Do-yeong has immense wealth, but he doesn’t flaunt it. Instead of grand displays, his generosity is refined—a tailored designer dress sent to your home, an all-expenses-paid vacation planned meticulously around your preferences, or an exclusive experience arranged just for the two of you.

As the CEO of a powerful company, Do-yeong is always under scrutiny. He expects discretion and grace from his partner. If you’re pulled into the public eye, he ensures you’re protected and that no scandal ever touches you.

You won’t have to worry about petty inconveniences—Do-yeong anticipates your needs before you even voice them. He is the definition of stability, offering a life where you never have to question your place by his side.

At some point, he is going to introduce you to his daughter, Ye-sol.

Do-yeong is strict when it comes to Ye-sol’s well-being. Ye-sol is his pride and joy.

Though He isn’t cold.

He’s a father who will read bedtime stories in the softest voice, who will quietly brush her hair from her face as she sleeps, and who will always ensure she knows she is loved.

So if he sees a future with you, he slowly integrates you into Ye-sol’s life—weekend outings, quiet family dinners, and moments where he looks at the two of you together and thinks, This is what home feels like.

If she adores you, his heart softens even more. He loves watching you interact with her, and it only deepens his love for you.

Do-yeong doesn’t rush into anything, but when he commits, it’s forever. If he proposes, he has already envisioned a life with you—a home, a future, and a deep-rooted bond.

He ensures you’re taken care of in every way. Whether it’s financial security, emotional support, or simply knowing you’ll never have to face anything alone, Do-yeong is your rock.

He loves a partner who continues to evolve, who challenges herself and him. He supports your ambitions, whether it’s career growth, personal passions, or learning new things together.

He may not always voice his feelings, but the way he touches you, the way he prioritizes you, and the way he looks at you will always remind you of his devotion.

[joelsprettyprincess]

Sharing is Caring

Pairing: Joel Miller + Arthur Morgan + Simon 'Ghost' Riley + John Price x f!reader Wordcount: 2k Tags: Extremely explicit smut, kind of dubcon (consent is assumed), oral, anal, piv (protected, for once), free-use, slight daddy kink, five(?)some, it's not poly they're just running a train on her. A/N: Okay. Um. Not sure what happened, I meant to write a little BLURB about this and it turned into a whole thing. Anyway..I tried to do it in a different style; it's kind of fragmented, instead of a proper story. Also this is very nasty. I fear this is even more self-indulgent than my Dutch x reader fic, but I hope you guys enjoy anyway!! And MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!! FOCUS ON YOUR ALGEBRA HOMEWORK 😒

joel preps you a couple hours beforehand. takes you over the knee, and fingers you till you're blubbering and begging him to stopkeep going. he slowly stretches out both your holes with plenty of lube. once he's got you properly ready, he slides a cute bejeweled buttplug between your asscheeks to make it...easier, later on. the hot pink heart winks up at him.

he has you greet his friends with him at the door. you've never seen them before, but they know you. you and your pretty body, your soft lips, your ass that hides the curve of your cunt. oh, yes, they know you, courtesy of the souvenir photos joel takes when you're cockdrunk and passed out.

they file in, one by one, big hulking figures. arthur, the freelance artist, who's already eyeing your curves, barely hidden by the tiny skirt joel put you in. you try fruitlessly to pull it down as he passes by. next is simon, or ghost, as he tells you to call him. an ex-military man who's even bigger than joel, with eyes like a wolf. "you look good enough to eat," he tells you.

"later," joel promises.

last is john, who you actually have met before. occasionally, when joel is in the mood to share, he invites him over for some fun– the fun being you. you'd had his cock stuffed down your throat at least half a dozen times. "hello again, love," he greets you, patting your head. you smile bashfully, already starting to get wet (thanks to the aphrodisiac joel had slipped into your food earlier). he was always kind to you, even more than joel sometimes.

the men all sit on the L-shaped couch– there's a big game today, or something. joel sits you between him and john, while arthur and ghost sit on the other side. "get us a beer, honey," joel says. when you get up to fetch them, john slaps your ass as you walk by. the men chuckle when you squeak.

you collect 4 beers and carry them in your arms back to the living room. after distributing them, the men focus on the hockey game, but john won't leave you alone. he lets his large hand rest on your thigh, then creeps it closer to your fluttering cunt. you push it away, but it's only a few seconds before he's invading your space again. you whine quietly, and joel notices. "leave her alone," he chides. "all in good time."

joel leaves to use the bathroom, leaving you alone with 2 strangers and john. arthur immediately slides over. "joel's told us a lot about you," he says, giving you a smile that reveals a hint of his canines. "oh," you say wondrously. you wonder what he's said. you wonder how arthur's chest looks under his slightly too-tight shirt.

"you like living here with 'im?" he asks. "y'know, if he's treating you wrong you could stay with me." he chuckles. you shake your head. "i like it here," you tell him. "he does everything for me." now ghost is closing in, unashamedly staring at your breasts. "real cute outfit you got on," he comments. you feel self-conscious in your tiny black tank top and short pink skirt. "daddy picked it out for me," you explain, referring to joel.

just then, joel comes back, and scolds the men, who've surrounded you as if you're their prey. "get off her– I told you all in good time, didn't I?"

"we've barely got to see her, what with you and john squishing her," arthur complains. ghost nods in agreement. "come sit by us, sweetheart, let us have a look at you." you look at joel for permission, and he nods, sighing. you switch places, now sitting between arthur and ghost.

after a while the men start to talk, about sports, about their friends...about women. joel tells them all about how obedient you are, how it took no time at all to mold you into his perfect stupid fuckdollgirlfriend. your face grows hot and you smile at the floor, embarrassed. it's not helping that arthur's been kneading your breast for the last 10 minutes and your panties are becoming soaked.

by this time all the men except joel have downed 2 or 3 beers, and they're getting handsier. ghost has been tracing circles on your thigh, 'accidentally' letting his fingers go up your skirt and graze the edge of your panties.

the men all silently exchange glances, unseen by you, and abruptly stand up. arthur pulls you along to the dining room, where the table has been cleared off. only a thin blanket remains on it...wait, what? you squeal in surprise as arthur easily lifts you and places you face down, ass up on the table.

the men surround you with hungry looks on their faces. "now, gentlemen, let me remind you of the rules," joel speaks. "don't hog a hole, everyone will have a turn. clean yourself off if you're going ass to mouth. use a condom, she's not on the pill. and simon, I know how you are with anal. be gentle. in fact, all of you, don't hurt her too badly."

"i want her ass first," arthur announces, already pulling down his pants. he flips up your skirt, and inhales sharply when he sees the heart-shaped outline of your buttplug against your light blue panties. he makes short work of your panties, tugging at them so urgently that they rip and fall onto the blanket in tatters.

the rest of the men quickly pull off their pants as well, eager to claim a hole. it's a bit daunting, staring at three muscular men who are hellbent on taking their stress out on your poor holes. joel allows his guests to pick first– ghost rests his thick cock against your lips. your tongue instinctively darts out to get a taste, before you can stop yourself.

"i haven't had the pleasure of her cunt in weeks," john sighs. he elbows arthur out of the way, and the two of them tap and stroke their tips against your two tight holes. arthur slowly pulls out your buttplug, and you whine loudly at the stretch. your hole is left gaping, the perfect opportunity for him to slide in. you grip the table and moan into the blanket, keeping your legs opened as wide as possible to accommodate him.

john puts on a condom and easily slides into your pussy, sticky and sopping with your own arousal. tears prick at your fluttering eyes as the two men stuff you full of cock. you stick your tongue out, overcome with need.

ghost pushes your mouth onto his cock, and you start sucking like the tip is made of candy. joel stands to the side, grabs your hand, and uses it to pump his throbbing shaft.

"she's so fuckin' tight," arthur grunts out, barely even halfway in your ass. he's right, you're gripping his cock like you need it to survive. he places both hands on your asscheeks, stroking and slapping them as he slowly moves in and out. john's just beside him, thrusting into your tight sticky cunt– the sounds are driving him crazy. your slightly pained groans, the creamy schwelp schwelp of your pussy– oh, he missed this.

ghost is the first to cum. driven crazy by your tongue slurping every inch of his cock and the feel of your plush lips practically sealing it in your mouth, he holds you by the hair and jerks off till thick globs and ropes of cum land on your face. he puts his tip against your tongue and finishes his release there, leaving a big puddle which you promptly swallow.

soon after, arthur cums, spreading your cheeks and keeping them still while he dumps a hot, thick load in your ass. it leaks out even while he's still inside you, dripping down to your pussy. "fuck, honey..." he mutters, pulling out. he observes your winking hole, already getting hard again.

ghost takes his place. he barely stops to clean up arthur's mess; just wipes off the excess with a paper towel and pushes his once-again stiff cock in your ass. you cry out, still sensitive from the stretch of arthur before. arthur's cum oozes out of you with every thrust.

john is still jackhammering your pretty pussy, and he's close. he presses himself balls deep inside you, and you can feel his cock twitching as he cums inside the condom. it could be the aphrodisiac, but the thought of him possibly knocking you up makes you twice as wet. he pulls out and fingers your spasming cunt, encouraging you to cum. you whine and moan loudly as arthur, who's just finished cleaning off his cock, slides his shaft between your puffy lips. your eyes roll, and you cum hard, squirting on john's hand and on the blanket. you thrash your legs a bit as john refuses to let up, and keeps fingering your extremely sensitive pussy.

joel finally reaches his peak as well, shooting a thick rope onto your hand, then getting closer and glazing your already cum-covered face with even more. some of it gets in your hair, which he knows you hate. his cum oozes down your face, and you can feel it sliding down to your right eye. he and john switch places, with john making you cradle his balls, while joel whistles when he sees the mess that your pussy is. he's the only one that can go bareback, the only one that's able to cum inside you. and he intends on doing exactly that.

joel wastes no time and pushes into your still-recovering pussy, watching your slightly swollen lips automatically grip him. you're still sticky with arousal, and it coats his cock. "you love being passed around by daddy's friends?" he mutters, smacking your ass. "you want 'em all to have a turn in this sweet pussy?" you can't answer, as arthur's got his cock in your mouth. but you whine, and if the sound of your creamy pussy is any indicator, you love this.

the men all take turns in your various holes, dumping load after load in your ass, in your mouth, and on your face. only joel cums straight in your pussy, but the others make up for it by covering your body with their hot loads. you cum more times than you can count, and by the end, the air smells of lust and sweat.

after they've all been fully satisfied, then men step back and survey their handiwork. your face is completely covered with multiple loads that are dripping off your face. your right eye is closed; you're unable to open it because of the cum that joel deposited on your eyelid. your lips are pink and puffy, and your tongue hangs out, tired after coaxing so many loads out of the men.

your asscheeks are also glazed with cum, and even your back has some white ropes. your ass is gaping, with cum oozing out of it. several used condoms have been thrown haphazardly on your body, mostly on your back.

and finally, your poor pussy. though it had the least amount of cum, it had taken the most abuse; all of the men had bullied your cunt into multiple orgasms, and now there's a puddle of arousal underneath you. joel's cum leaks from between your pussy lips onto the blanket.

your head lays on the table– you don't have the strength to even look up anymore.

"fuckin' beautiful," john says quietly, and the men agree. they all clean themselves off and get redressed, then joel coaxes you off the table. you stumble, then right yourself. more cum oozes out of your ass onto the floor. "'s okay, c'mon," he says, holding you by your left hand– maybe the only place on your whole body that hasn't been glazed.

the men watch you leave. your ass jiggles a bit, and arthur sighs. "we've got to come back, and soon."

[mj-iza-writer]

So, I know this may look a little scary. There is a lot of Russian as it is set in Russia (it only makes sense that characters speak their native language). This story gave me a lot of practice with Russian, which I needed. All of the Russian has been highlighted with the English translation next to it. I hope everyone enjoys. Special thanks to @weirdthingweee who helped with planning this story.

"Radimir, are you sure I can't use my cane?", Whumpee held tightly onto their friend's hand, "it would be a little easier for both of us if you had a free hand."

"Unfortunately, the Metro is at its busiest. You would be hitting a lot of people's ankles with your guide staff", Radimir looked around, "it's best that you don't let go until we both get on the train. That way, I won't lose you."

"Извините (pardon me)", Whumpee heard Radimir.

"It's so weird being somewhere and not understanding anything of what's going on. The announcements, the mix of everyone talking. Plus being blind anyways", Whumpee giggled lightly, "kind of more awkward than normal."

"Yes, I have that type of sensory overload in the bussier parts of America", Radimir turned, "and in the countries that I do not speak the language. We've got to go."

"Wait?", Whumpee frowned.

"Слепой ироходит (blind person coming through)", Radimir pulled a little quicker, causing Whumpee to stumble and fall.

Without looking, Radimir hurried to grab a hand and hurried onto the train.

"Sorry I caused you to stumble, there were a lot of people going for the tra....", Radimir turned to see that they were not holding Whumpee's hand.

The stranger seemed just as confused.

"Извини (sorry)", Radimir quickly released the stranger's hand.

"Спасибо, что помогли мне сесть на поезд (thanks for helping me get on the train)", the person grinned sheepishly.

"Пожалуйста (don't mention it)", Radimir turned quickly, "now where is Whumpee?", they frowned as the doors closed, "no no no."

They got to the door just in time to see someone helping Whumpee off of the ground.

"No no no...  fuck", Radimir moved slightly as the train started to go, "the one thing I didn't want to happen. Now I have a blind American lost in Russia."

Whumpee felt a hand grab them and help them up.

"Thank.. uh спасибо (thankyou)", Whumpee whimpered.

The person helped them to a seat, said something else, and walked away.

Whumpee hurried to pull their papers out: identification, passport, and a note that Radimir had written to explain the situation. They were told that if anyone were to approach them, they needed to hand those items over.

If Radimir did manage to lose them, they needed to stay in one spot until Radimir got back to them. The only way that could change was if the politsiya (Russian police) took them into custody. They were to follow orders, and hope someone spoke English. The note Radimir had written would again hopefully help.

Whumpee shivered slightly. They still had a chill from the outside air.

"This is great", Whumpee mumbled, "I'm lost, I have no way of reaching out to Radimir. I can't see, I can't understand anything. I know there is a possibility, but I hope Radimir gets me before the police do. I don't want to go into custody."

Whumpee blinked away tears.

As time passed the station was growing quiet.

Someone had checked on Whumpee a few times. They had read the note and looked at the passport and identification.

Whumpee was getting more anxious every time the person came by.

Whumpee's heart sank when a group of people could be heard coming closer. Whumpee gulped when they felt them stop in front of them.

Whumpee shakingly handed their papers over.

"We... are... politsiya. You... come... now", they ordered.

Whumpee gulped again, but nodded.

Thirty minutes later, Radimir hurried off the train. They checked everywhere, but Whumpee was gone.

"Great", Radimir sighed. Their phone vibrated, "great", they recognized the number.

"Здравствуйте, ето Radimir (polite hello, this is..)", they sighed.

"Здравствуйте, ето Aleksandr", the person responded, "уа из полиции (I am with the police). Мы взяли под стражу человека, который принадлежит вам (we took somebody into custody who belongs to you)."

"Да, я хочу вернуть их (yes, I want to get them back)", Radimir sighed, "могу ли я прийти и забрать их? (Can I come get them?) Они в порядке? (Are they okay?)"

"Они в безопасности (they are safe). Очень испуганный и робкий (very scared and timid). Мы предоставляем им наилчшее возможное размещение в соответствии с вашими указаниями (we are giving them the best accommodation we can per your note). Ето было очень полезно (that was very helpful)", the officer sighed, "вы можете прийти и подписать бумаги (you can come sign the papers). Что запустит процесс (that will start to process)."

"Процесс? (process?), почему всегда есть процесс? (why is there always a process?) Их ты имеешь уже сколько часов? (you've had them for what, an hour?)"

"Извините, мы должны убедиться, что все сделано по поводу (I apologize, we have to make sure everything is done correctly)", the officer grumbled.

"Да, и вы сохраните их в течение 5 дней после (yes and you'll keep them for 5 days after)", Radimir frowned, "я скоро буду. (I'll be there shortly)"

Radimir hung up and rubbed the side of his head, "I guess this is as good a time as any to call in a special favor."

Radimir made their call, then proceeded to the politsiya station.

"Могу ли я увидкть их? (Can I see them?)", Radimir looked up from the papers they were signing, "убедитесь, что они в порядке... утешить их (make sure they are okay... comfort them)."

"Нет, ето не очень хорошая идея (No, that would not be a good idea)", the officer commented.

"Hmm, для кого (for who)", Radimir fiddled with the pen, "ты, видимо, понятия не имеешь, кто я (you apparently have no idea who I am).

"Нет и мне все равно (No, and I don't care)", the officer stared, "зто будет рассматриватьсг как любой другой случай (this will be treated like any other case)."

"У вас будут ироблемы, если они получат травму (You will have a problem if they're injured)", Radimir stood abruptly and started for the door.

"Извините, мы не оказываем особых услуг (sorry, we don't do special favors)", the officer called after Radimir.

Radimir paused, and bit their bottom lip, "I can't get arrested, I can not attack a police agent.

The officer chuckled lowly as Radimir left.

The officer sat back comfortably at their desk. They looked through the papers that Radimir had signed. They decided to wait a few days before filing the paperwork. They really did not like the attitude Radimir had given. The American would have to deal with it.

Their door was slammed open.

"Oi", they yelled as they looked up and saw who was barging in, "Капитан? (captain?)"

"Ты идиот (you're an idiot)", the captain frowned, "отвезите менг к слепому американцу (take me to the blind American)... Сейчас (now)... Я очень надеюсь, что они не пострадали (I really hope they are not injured)."

"Почему мы им преклоняемся? (why are we bowing down to them?)", the officer pulled out keys and stood.

"Радимир - друг нашего босса (Radimir is a friend of our boss)", the captain quickly followed, "он также владеет очень важным бизнесои (he also owns a very important business). Он не тот, с кем стоит связываться (he's not the one to mess with), но тебе удалось (but you succeeded)."

"Это не кажется правильным (this doesn't seem right)", the officer turned down the hall and saw their boss standing there. A glare planted on their face.

"Обязательно скажите ему, что (make sure to tell him that)", the captain whispered as they reached for the keys.

The officer gulped.

The door opened slowly.

Radimir's friend looked in and saw Whumpee cowering in the corner.

"Hey Whumpee", the friend walked in calmly, "I am Igor, Radimir's friend. I'm going to get you back to Radimir. Do you by chance remember me?"

Whumpee shook their head, "no, I'm sorry. I'm so scared, are you here to help me? Wait, yo-you speak English. I just want to get back to Radimir. Please", Whumpee pleaded.

"Yes,I can speak English. I don't know why I wasn't told that we had an American here. I can see you shaking. Here, I am going to help you up. We are going to wrap you in a blanket. You'll come to my office while we wait for Radimir to come back."

Whumpee quickly nodded and let Igor help them up.

"There we go. Are you hungry?", Igor wrapped the blanket around Whumpee, "I'm sorry for the mix up. You've had quite a day today. You got lost, arrested, and rescued all in the same day", Igor started to lead them from the cell, "онп не притронулись к еде (they didn't touch their meal), кто- нибудь им вообще помог? (Did anyone help them at all?)"

Igor looked around and saw everyone looking down.

"Пос��ыдный (disgraceful)", Igor frowned, "кто-нибудь, приготовьте им еду (someone go make them some food)."

The Captain apologized repeatedly as they led Radimir to Igor's office.

"Все в порядке, пока онп в безопасности (it's alright, as long as they're safe)", Radimir sighed.

Radimir caught eyes with the officer who gave them all of the difficulties. They only shook their head and turned to follow the Captain.

**KNOCK... KNOCK**

"Приходить (come in)", Igor welcomed.

The Captain quickly opened the door, nodded to Igor, and let Radimir in. They quickly closed the door after.

Igor watched as Radimir took in the sight.

Whumpee sat quietly on the floor. Tear tracks traced down their cheeks. Their pale eyes glossed over from crying. Their eyes were rubbed raw from the crying.

Radimir turned to Igor.

"Had I known, I would have gotten them sooner. I had no idea", Igor said apologetically, "I'm so sorry."

Radimir watched as Whumpee slowly ate a dumpling. They sniffled slightly as they swallowed.

"Out of all the things I didn't want to deal with while bringing them to Russia. Losing them and dealing with law enforcement was top of the list", Radimir sighed.

"Radimir?", Whumpee lifted their head quickly in shock.

"I am so sorry for losing you", Radimir hurried to Whumpee, "I hurried as fast as I could to get back to you. Of course, every train I used to get back to you didn't seem to be going fast enough. Definitely not as fast as the politsiya move, of course."

"We are the finest", Igor chuckled, "I am so sorry about the mix up. Is there anyway we can make it up to you?"

"A fast ride back to my company's building would be great, but we can walk."

"Say no more", Igor got up, "I have the fastest car here."

Whumpee cuddled close into Radimir as Igor sped through the streets.

"You are so brave", Radimir hugged Whumpee closer.

"Thankyou", Whumpee stretched to rest their head on Radimir's chest, "I'm tired."

"Yes, I can Imagine", Radimir played with Whumpee's hair, "you had more adventure then I originally planned for you."

Igor turned to look at them, "yes, can I recommend one of the museums next time?"

"I don't think I'm going to get them to do much else this trip", Radimir sighed, "maybe next time."

Whumpee's breathing relaxes.

"I think they are falling asleep. Whumpee just a few more moments. I'm going to get you in my office. I have the couch all ready for you."

"Mmm", Whumpee moaned tiredly.

The car went even faster.

"Не убивайте нас (don't kill us)", Radimir sighed as they held Whumpee close.

"Вы шутите (are you kidding), ты знаешь, как быстро я обычно езжу? ( do you know how fast I normally go?)", Igor laughed.

"He drives like you Radimir", Whumpee commented.

"So is your hotel near your company", Igor parked, "I can wait if you needed to grab something."

"Actually we are spending the night in my office. Tomorrow the hotel will be ready for us", Radimir started to get Whumpee's hat on them.

"Are you sure?", Igor frowned, "my home may be more comfortable than your office."

"Yes, I'm sure it would be. I'm going to work through the night. I have some assignments to work on before a meeting tomorrow. The beauty of them being blind, is I can keep the light on", Radimir smiled as Whumpee tiredly blinked, "my couch is comfortable, and they're tired enough. I've already taken a nap earlier. I appreciate it, my dear friend. Спасибо.. за все (thankyou for everything)."

"Of course, I'm glad I could help", Igor turned to Whumpee, "I hope that this mix up didn't dampen you wanting to visit Russia again. We are a great country, I promise."

"I know, it gave me Radimir. I'll just make sure not to lose him again" Whumpee grinned sheepishly, "thankyou for helping me."

"You're welcome", Igor cupped Whumpee's cheek, "always."

Radimir leaned up, "thankyou for the ride. I appreciate all of your help today."

"You're welcome", Igor grinned.

Whumpee fell onto the couch after Radimir helped wipe them down.

"You'll get a better shower tomorrow at the hotel", Radimir pulled a blanket up to Whumpee's chin, "I am truly sorry for what happened earlier, and I am so happy to have you back."

"I'm happy to be back as well. I'm sorry, I'm really tired though", Whumpee whispered.

"Yes, I'm sure you are", Radimir played through Whumpee's hair, "my desk is just a few feet away. There is a bathroom in here as well. Your guide staff is right here", Radimir moved Whumpee's hand to where their pole was.

"Thankyou Radimir", Whumpee sighed, "I appreciate you working so hard to get me out of there."

"You're welcome", Radimir cupped Whumpee's cheek, "get some rest. I'll have a few things to do with you tomorrow after the meeting. None of which will involve the Metro. We will only use that when it's not busy. I'll be holding your hand a lot tighter."

"I still can't believe you grabbed the wrong hand", Whumpee giggled.

"Yes, the face the person made when I finally realized", Radimir chuckled as well.

Whumpee sighed tiredly, "this couch feels so good."

"I'm sure it does. Alright, you get some sleep", Radimir stood, "I'll be right over here if you need me."

"Thankyou Radimir", Whumpee smiled again.

"You're welcome", Radimir smiled, "sleep well (спокойной ночи).

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list. It's not a problem at all.

@weirdthingweee @the-beasts-have-arrived

@sacredwrath @porschethemermaid

@monarchthefirst @generic-whumperz

@bloodyandfrightened @freefallingup13

@notpeppermint @cyborg0109

@idontreallyexistyet @painfulplots

@whumpbump @everythingsscary

@skittles-the-whumpee @expressionless-fr

@theforeverdyingperson @legendarydelusiongoatee

@candleshopmenace @whumpanthems

@lavndvrr @ivymyers

@starfields08000 @a-living-canvas

@lumpofsand @watermeezer

@indigoviolet311 @whumpy-mountains

@risk606 @electrons2006

@paperprinxe @whumprince

@kaz-of-crows @mis-graves

@decaffeinatedtimetraveler94 @sausages-things

@isikedmyself878 @daffyduckcommittedtaxfraud

@valravnthefrenchie @glennemerald

@jasperthecapser @does-directions

@jumpywhumpywriter @blackbirdsinatrenchcoat

@mylifeisonthebookshelf @thenormalestever

@whatwhump @galatic-worm

@starmoon-constellation @bacillusinfection

[cakeinpants]

Previous

***

He, Pat, a Mudokon, stood right in front of the CEO of the Palace herself.

"So, Oddett... I've heard you and Mr. Jabodo got into a bit of a.. disagreement. And that preparations for your next performance aren't going so smoothly..." The Oktigi inquired. "I would like to hear what you have to say about that..."

Her drone companion, Maximus, stood by her side as always. He avoided eye contact with the dancer and looked pale.

Overwhelmed and intimidated by talking with a person of such authority, Pat tried his best to keep composure and sound clear and confident. He was in disbelief that Delvona actually decided to hear him out. He had nothing to depend on but his words now, and there was nothing left for him to do but to speak his truth, and hope that his value to the Palace might help him be heard.

"Madame Delvona... I sincerely hope for your understanding. I can not continue working in the conditions that Mr. Jabodo is putting me through."

"Jabodo is a respected art director and trainer of the Palace." Delvona argued. "There's never been any problems before." (At least, problems that weren't covered up for him, but she wasn't going to mention that, of course.)

"The things he's asking from me are far beyond what I'm willing to do. Not out of selfishness, but out of respect for my art and for what my Master taught me..."

The Qktigi thoughtfully put a tentacle to her cheek.

"Now... I want to give you a chance to come to an agreement. I'll ask Mr. Jabodo to be.. easier with you." The Oktigi offered. "I suggest you go back to training and we forget about this little misunderstanding. It'll be for the best for all of us."

"I'm sorry, Madame Delvona.. I don't think I can accept that offer."

Delvona's eyes narrowed.

"What are you expecting, then?"

"I-if..." That was a bold move but he had to try. "If you could grant me the permission.. I can work for the Palace as an independent contractor."

"Absolutely not. That's out of the question." She declined sharply barely letting the dancer finish speaking. "A Mudokon can't be working here on independent conditions."

"But it's possible-"

"Not in practice, it's not."

"I can make it work! It won't affect preparations for concerts. I'll still be attending the same rehearsals.. All I'm asking for is some freedom of action and I will give you results in return-"

"I said it's NOT an option. I can't have that kind of reputation for the Palace."

The dancer swallowed nervously.

"In that case the only thing I can suggest is that you let me go. I'm ready to resign from my duties as the Palace's Principal Dancer."

For a split second Delvona's face lost it's imperturbable expression.

"Resign?"

"Yes. Send me wherever else. Sell me to a different owner or company.. I know there's people who are ready to offer a lot."

"If you think things are bad for you here, you're not ready for how they'll be if you leave." The Oktigi warned. "Are you trying to bargain with me?"

"Not at all. Whatever your decision, I will accept it humbly, even if you find my behaviour prompts punishment.. but the only thing I will refuse to do is continue my work in current situation."

Madame Delvona went silent, seemingly pondering something. She then calmly exhaled.

"Now you will listen to me, and you will listen carefully. I offer you two options...

Option one — you will return to your duties as normally and we forget this conversation ever happened. You will perform and you will never speak of this again.

Option two..." She nodded somewhere to the side...

The dancer's blood ran cold as he felt the cold touch of steel against his head.

"... you're not leaving this room."

Gun.

One of the guard Sligs held a gun to the dancer's head.

Maximus flinched and almost yelled out at the slig to stop. But Delvona's ties were stronger than instinct. He stopped himself, staying quiet by the Oktigi's side with a terrified look.

"You see, Patrick, I can't let you get into anyone else's hands. Not to mention what news of you leaving to work for someone else will do to our reputation... I'm not dealing with all that trouble.

It will, on the other hand, be much easier to make it look like an unfortunate, tragic accident...

A brilliant dancer lost to grief for his Master not long after the tragedy... devastated devotees competing for last records of his dancing in Palace's possession... And the rebels are to blame for it all." She painted an imaginary picture.

"The Palace won't ever let you go.

Do you understand?"

The mudokon stood frozen, unable to utter a word.

"Take off your shirt."

With shaking hands, the dancer unbuttoned his shirt. The cloth dropped to the floor, revealing the pale skin of his torso and a serial code tattoo on his lower back...

"ODDTT001VL"

Property of The Palace.

"First position." The Oktigi commanded.

The mudokon complied, taking the ballet stance.

"Perform the White Bird variation."

His body started mechanically reciting the memorised movements. His hands trembled, and his eyes were full of fear and defeat, yet even in this moment it showed how perfected his technique was. But it looked so wrong. Unnatural even.

Delvona watched attentively. She waited for the dancer to complete the whole variation before she spoke again:

"Very good. That's much better.

Now. You have a fitting scheduled in a few hours with our new buiseness partners... You're going to go, get yourself together and get ready. You're going to show up and act normally. And you're going to look good.

Instructions clear?"

"Yes, Madame Delvona..." The mudokon bowed.

... He lost.

[acti-veg]

Hi! So uh, first of all I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do :) your book and your blog were some of the main things that even made me go vegan in the first place and I still learn a lot from your articles and posts!! You’re an amazing activist! Seeing people like you restores my faith in humanity tbh so thank you again so so much 💗

Anyway, I’m writing this ask because I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally as a vegan and I feel like I need advice from someone more experienced. I know you must spend a lot of time interacting with carnists when advocating for veganism. You’ve been doing this for years and still you’re going strong, so I just wonder how you manage to stay positive and not get too hurt in the process…

My problem is that whenever I see animal products or hear people spreading carnist views I react overly strongly. Often, I almost feel physical pain and can’t bring myself to interact with those people, it just hurts so much. Animal cruelty is everywhere and it feels like I can’t do anything about it. It’s heartbreaking, horrifying, depressing, and the worst part is how normalised it is.

It feels like there’s no escape. Somehow I can’t go outside without walking past a meat market, I can’t cook for myself without seeing a chicken corpse in the fridge, I can’t even play a video game without seeing images of animal products, etc... All these things are supposed to be normal, but they’re just so distressing to me. What makes me feel especially horrible is seeing/hearing anti-vegans spreading misinformation and such. I feel like if I see another post saying that "leather is good and sustainable actually" I’m going to explode. Is it just me or are other people that affected as well?

This would probably be easier to deal with if I had an ethical vegan friend or two who’d understand how I feel, but I don’t have any. I live with four carnists and even my partner apparently hates vegans (tried to tell them about my feelings and they got personally offended). And I know there’s a big community of vegan people out there, but there’s not nearly enough of us and I still feel so isolated and alone in my experiences.

I’m so sorry for venting. What I meant to ask is, do you ever feel like that? Is there anything that can help me not feel depressed whenever I see animal products? And thank you so much again for doing what you do. You are truly a wonderful person and I hope life treats you well <3

Thank you for the kind words, I’m so glad my blog had an impact on you!

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a bad time of it, I wish I could say that this isn’t common but I’ve had dozens of asks like this one. I firmly believe that going vegan is an extremely positive decision, but there are negatives that come from knowing what we know, and trying to exist in a society that is built on the backs of exploited animals. We have all felt like this, myself included.

Honestly, it sounds like you may consuming a bit too much vegan content, or possibly spending too much time engaging wifh and thinking about veganism specifically. Do you have any hobbies that help relax and distract you? Reading, gaming, exercise? I find all of these really helpful for clearing my head, especially exercise. There is such a thing as overexposure for vegans, and I’ve definitely been there myself.

What helps me most is trying to focus on the positive side of being vegan. Follow more positive content like sanctuaries, rescue centres, recipe creators, plant-based fitness blogs - whatever makes you happy. Avoid engaging with upsetting content, that includes graphic footage of any kind, anti-vegan content, debates and arguments. Create a little bubble for yourself that you can escape in, even if that means having seperate accounts for when you’re feeling this way and just want some escapism.

Try and visit an animal sanctuary, even if you have to make this a long term goal if there isn’t one that is accessible to you. I can’t describe how helpful this is an experience, to remember who this is all about and the fact that not all animals are suffering and unhappy. Seeing wild animals in their natural habitat can achieve the same thing.

For me, the best balm to this sort of feeling is activism. It is a big part of why I do this, it isn’t all altruistic. Turning some people of that negative towards something positive can help you feel much less helpless. See if there are any animal rights groups in your area (you’d also make vegan friends) but if not, try doing some of your own work, even if that is just online, signing/making petitions, blogging, letter writing - whatever you can do.

I’d also recommend this talk from Melanie Joy about activist burnout, which something close to what you’re experiencing, and she has some really helpful advice. That pain and disconnect from others will always be there, but I hope you manage to find some tools for coping with it that work for you, that is really all any of us can do. Take care of yourself, anon!