#i hope i didn't overthink it

[off-mozzarella]

Just a small boy and his giant hammer <3

[koiihpon]

Don’t wait up…

colored this panel from @thegunnsara's Back to the Past comic (part 6) :]

the bottom panel was so striking when I first saw it that I just needed to color it heheh sorry it took a while to finish ><

orig under cut vvvv

[one-flower-one-sword]

"Mu Qing spat out a mouthful of blood and grimaced like he'd been stabbed where it hurt. He replied, spiteful slowly, "Thank goodness I kicked you out. If we'd kept you in the army and let you get closer to His Highness, were you going to watch him all day with your mind full of unspeakable filth? Disgusting!"

Xie Lian's heart squeezed violently. Hua Cheng had his fist raised at first, but it froze in midair when Mu Qing spat the word "disgusting." Veins bulged on the back of his pale hand. The fingers clenched and loosened, loosened then clenched.

A long moment later, Hua Cheng said icily, "For now, I won't argue with you on that point. [...]"

TGCF Volume 6, page 66

Hua Cheng's reaction here is really interesting - and gets more heartbreaking the more you think about it. I think to understand it, we need to take a look at his distorted self-image and his extreme self-blame whenever he feels he's failed Xie Lian in some way. While doing this, I think it's important to keep in mind that we're looking at these things as separate from Hua Cheng's very real - and very earned! - confidence in his knowledge, abilities, and strength. He knows exactly what he can and can't do and has no problems stating those things as facts. That "aggressive, rebellious confidence" as Xie Lian describes it is a defining part of Hua Cheng's personality and who he is as a person, that is then juxtaposed by a surprising fragility in other matters.

Right when we meet Hua Cheng at just ten years old, he's already been abused for so long and so severely that it's made him actively suicidal. He's also already internalized that his right eye is ugly, evidenced by the way that he keeps covering it with his hands when the bandages are removed after he was beaten and dragged through the streets by Qi Rong and his lackeys:

After a pause, Xie Lian smiled softly. "The doctors will see to your wounds now. Don't be afraid and lower your hands, okay?" The child heard but hesitantly shook his head.

"Why not?" Xie Lian asked.

He was silent for a long time before replying, "Ugly."

TGCF Volume 2, page 349

The right side of his face also appears to receive the most abuse when he gets beaten, as Xie Lian realizes when he sees him again a few years later and his bandages come loose after being attacked by a group of other kids:

During that scuffle, the bandages on the boy's head had been partially yanked off, giving a peek on the other half of his face. It was quite swollen, covered in black and blue bruises. It was obvious that these injuries hadn't been caused by the brawl just now. TGCF Volume 3, page 56

It can be deduced that he probably learned very early in his life that if people see his eye, he gets beaten. It seems to be known around the area that he frequently gets beaten up and kicked out by his family, to a point where even kids from wealthier families know about him and refer to him as apparently everyone else does - the "ugly freak":

"Wow, wow, the ugly freak got kicked out again!" Although these kids were all around the same age as the boy in the shrine, every single one of them was taller than him and looked like their parents fed them well. There was probably a holiday coming up, since they were all dressed in new clothes and shoes. [...] "Hey, ugly freak, are you sleeping at the shrine again tonight? Watch out, your mom is gonna beat the crap outta you when you get home!"

TGCF Volume 3, pages 54-55

This post is going to get quite long, so I'm putting the rest under a read more.

Hua Cheng seems to internalize this view of himself as something ugly and revolting to a point where even hundreds of years later, he's wary about showing Xie Lian his true form. At the same time, he seems to long deeply for Xie Lian to see and accept the real him, so he tries to test the waters when Xie Lian asks the "young master" on the ox cart what Hua Cheng looks like :

The youth laughed. "Who knows? But he's blind in one eye." He pointed to his right eye. "This one."

That was nothing outrageous. Xie Lian recalled one of the many backstory versions where Hua Cheng wore a black eyepatch to hide that missing eye and asked, "Do you know what happened to that eye?"

"That's a question everyone wants the answer to," the youth replied. Others asked because they wanted to know what Hua Cheng's weakness was, but Xie Lian asked purely out of curiosity. He didn't say anything, and the youth continued, "He dug it out himself."

TGCF Volume 1, page 175

And then again after they're back from Banyue:

Hua Cheng didn't turn around but continued to stare at the dilapidated ceiling of the shrine, and Xie Lian could only see this handsome young man's left profile. Hua Cheng said softly, "If I was ugly."

"Huh?" Xie Lian gaped.

Hua Cheng finally turned his head slightly. "If my true appearance is ugly, would you still want to see it?"

Xie Lian was taken aback. "Is it? Although there's no real reason, I never thought your true appearance would be too horrible-looking."

"Who knows?" Hua Cheng said, half-jokingly. "What if I'm discolored, disfigured, ugly, monstrous, and horrible. What will you do?"

At first, Xie Lian thought this line of inquiry was rather fascinating. So the overlord of the Ghost Realm, the one called the devil incarnate and feared by all in the heavens, would care about his looks? But when he thought about it deeply, he didn't think it was very funny anymore. He vaguely recalled, in one of the many rumored backstories of Hua Cheng, one said that he was a disfigured child from birth, or something along those lines. If that was true, then he must've grown up discriminated against by others. Maybe that was why he was particularly sensitive about his appearance.

TGCF Volume 1, pages 369-370

This quote is really long but I wanted to include all of it because Xie Lian's realization here is very important - Hua Cheng's issues don't stem from vanity but from being othered and subsequently abused because of his unusual red right eye. The society they're in shows many instances of ableism, racism, xenophobia and classism, where any attempted change to the status quo as well as anything that goes against "the norm" is regarded with instant suspicion and rejection - as Pei Ming puts it once, "Where there is abnormality, there is evil."

When he finally does show Xie Lian his true form, Hua Cheng is anxious about it up until Xie Lian remarks that it doesn't look bad:

Xie Lian examined him as he followed, smiling. "So, this is your real appearance." Hua Cheng paused slightly in his step. Maybe it was his imagination, but Hua Cheng's shoulders seemed to stiffen for a flash of a second. The moment didn't last, and Hua Cheng responded naturally. "I did say that the next time we met, I would greet you with my real appearance."

Xie Lian grinned and said earnestly, "Not bad." Xie Lian's tone wasn't teasing or consoling, the words were simply said. Hua Cheng gave a small smile back, and this time, it was genuinely relaxed.

TGCF Volume 2, page 103

Xie Lian's acceptance of his true form seems to have reassured Hua Cheng enough that he appears in it a lot more regularly after that, though it's always with the place where his right eye used to be carefully covered. He's also still too afraid to tell Xie Lian about their shared past and who he really is, and even more afraid to confess his feelings because he fears that then Xie Lian will no longer look at him with acceptance and instead see Hua Cheng as this:

He pointed at a little blood-red person on the wall. Right next to it, there were a bunch of messy, twisted, indiscernible characters - it looked like they had been written in a state of delirium or scrawled to vent the author's feeling during a period of extreme suffering. Based on those characters, Xie Lian could guess that the little blood-red person painted there was Hua Cheng himself, but for some unknown reason he had depicted himself as extremely ugly and disfigured.

[...] There was an ugly little blood-red figure at the bottom of the mural. It cupped a small flower in its hands, which it was offering to the statue.

TGCF Volume 6, pages 52-55

Hua Cheng having internalized this distorted "ugly freak" image of himself isn't the only thing tripping him up though. Every time he can't prevent Xie Lian from getting hurt or can't help him, Hua Cheng takes it as a personal failure on his part and immediately seeks to punish himself. Be that by lashing out at Eming, which is essentially an extension of himself:

Xie Lian stroked Eming. "Fangxin is still better suited." Fangxin remained motionless. Eming had tried so enthusiastically to offer itself up but was so blatantly rejected. It hopped back to Hua Cheng's side, weeping. Hua Cheng didn't spare it a single look before he smacked it with a backhand slap. "What are you crying about? This happened because you're useless! Trash!"

TGCF Volume 5, page 120

Or denying himself to touch Xie Lian, like after Xie Lian got accidentally hurt by Eming (an especially cruel punishment given that Hua Cheng had longed for Xie Lian for hundreds of years):

Hua Cheng, however, let go of his hand. "Don't mind them," he said to Xie Lian. "Come with me." His voice was low, the emotion behind it hard to discern. Yet the way he let go of Xie Lian's wrist was swift, almost like he'd been shaken off.

TGCF Volume 2, page 192

Repeatedly witnessing Xie Lian be brutalized and violated while he didn't yet have the power to stop it from happening traumatized Hua Cheng deeply and left him with a wrathful anger that he wields not only against those who wronged Xie Lian but also against himself for any and all perceived failures.

Now, what does all of this have to do with the quote that started it all? In it, Mu Qing accuses Hua Cheng that if they'd have kept him in the army, he would have kept watching Xie Lian "with his mind full of unspeakable filth! Disgusting!" (the fact that he describes a man having romantic feelings and sexual desires for another man in such a way comes off as extremely homophobic of course but that's not the topic of this post)

Hua Cheng, who hates Mu Qing deeply and with good reason, then not only stops his assault but actually goes on to say that he won't argue with him on that point for now. His inner conflict shows in the repeated clenching and loosening of the fingers in his fist - he's extremely angry and would usually never agree with Mu Qing, yet finds himself unable to deny his words. It's noticeable also that it's the "disgusting" that makes him freeze up.

So why would Hua Cheng, someone usually so confident and so unapologetically himself, concede this point to Mu Qing, someone he hates and who's just been viciously insulting him? I would argue that there are two possible reasons.

First of, if viewed through the lens of everything we reviewed in this post, Hua Cheng feels like he "can't argue" on this because he does desire Xie Lian and always has - while at the same time knowing that he, an ugly disfigured other that has repeatedly failed at keeping the God he's pledged his existence to safe from harm, could never be good enough to deserve being with said God like that.

Second of all, as I analyzed in my previous post, Hua Cheng's reaction to Xie Lian having seen the statues and murals is profound fear and heartbreak because he's so sure Xie Lian must now be scared of and disgusted by him. At this point in the story, Hua Cheng is still utterly convinced that his feelings aren't requited, which is something he can deal with. But what he can't bear is the prospect of his feelings, his very devotion, causing Xie Lian pain. Failing to keep Xie Lian safe from being harmed by others is bad enough, but hurting Xie Lian himself? Unforgivable. His fear that his desire for Xie Lian will be upsetting to him is so strong that even after the confession scene, his immediate reaction to Xie Lian even just mentioning the murals is "I'll go destroy them" (Volume 6, page 88), and he doesn't calm down until Xie Lian reassures them that he only saw a few of them and won't look at the others if Hua Cheng doesn't want him to.

[lxvi-gloria]

Drabble Prompt: Post-canon Levi, struggling with chronic pain and mourning his dead loved ones, being visited by his still alive loved ones

Anon, you knew how to talk pretty to me <3

hihi requests are still open btw

I feel like I gotta put a disclaimer or something lmao. So, the length of my drabble requests is usually something between 100-400 words. This request is just an incredibly unexpected exception. it just happened to fit into this idea I already had been thinking of, which was how the remaining 104th would ask Levi to be part of important events in their lives because well, they like the dude lmao, so expect that sort of one-shot soon. Additionally, since I kept reminding myself that this was supposed to be a drabble, I might have glossed over the chronic pain and mourning bits so I'm sorry about that ;;

that being said, 2.4k words of Levi and Gabi be upon ye <3

Now on Ao3!

The angry hissing of the kettle makes him flinch. It brings a loud ringing to his right ear. Instinctively, he places his right hand over it, and gives his ear a couple of gentle taps; it's more of a grounding gesture, a distraction from the buzzing. He usually keeps watch over the kettle, so that he can lower the heat just right before it gets a chance to scream at him. 

He realises then that he must have spaced out while waiting. It’s alright, he thinks. It’s been like that a lot, recently. He’s been like that. Lost in thought-- lost in time, if he allowed himself to be precise. The last days, weeks even, as the temperatures started to drop, blended into each other. There’s a little calendar on his bedside table, it had been a birthday gift from Armin – or had that been Mikasa’s? He isn’t sure, he had received an absurd number of presents from the kids last year, it had been hard to keep track of who gave him what and now the fact escaped him. Turning the pages of the little calendar, with its delicate botanical illustrations on each day, quickly became part of his morning routine, and so he was sure that time was passing at all. The stillness of the routine, he guesses, made him like this.

His vision blurs momentarily while he scoops the tea leaves into the teapot. He squints, trying to will his good eye to focus, but all he gets in return is a throb in his right eye. After putting the tea canister away, he presses the inner sides of his wrists to both eyes, placing just enough pressure to relieve the discomfort. When he opens his eyes again, he is pleased to find he can read the small print on the canister an arm’s length away. 

There’s a loud slam coming from the front of the house, followed by footsteps coming further into the house.

He quickly recognizes the heavy stomping as Gabi’s gait. She’s always been so loud.

Gabi crosses the arch into the small kitchen and dining area. 

“Don’t slam my doors,” he says as a greeting, slowly turning his head to his left side, trying to catch a glimpse of her in his periphery.

“Aye, aye,” the kid waves her hand, shoots him a teasing grin, “someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

Levi hums in response but doesn’t say anything else. He busies himself with placing everything they need for their morning tea and coffee on a metal tray on the counter, which Gabi takes from him as soon as it’s ready and sets it on the table.

He grabs his cane from where he had hooked it on one of the kitchen drawers. He has been leaning against the counter, his right leg supporting most of his weight all this time. He braces himself for the sharp pain that will surely surge from his bad knee, through his left hip and up his spine. Cold mornings like this one and being still in one place for long will do that to him. It’s not so bad. It could be worse.

It takes 4 steps to get from the stove to his chair, which Gabi has already pulled out for him. It sits at an angle that allows him to easily slide down on it and rest his right elbow on top of the table, leaning back and against his good side.

“I have something that will cheer you up,” she holds a couple of envelopes in her hand and waves them at him, “You’ve got mail!”

He nods at her in acknowledgement but does not take his attention away from preparing his first batch of tea of the day. There’s a ritual to it, it almost feels like, and he doesn’t want to mess it up. Not when the ringing in his ear is still there, the building pressure in the upper back part of his eyeballs, and the cold air seeping into his bones through his thick jumper. Oh, how he needs a good cup of tea right now.

While Levi waits for it to steep, he grabs the papers that she had shoved in his face, squints his eyes at the first envelope and finds that he is unable to make out much of the handwriting. He brings it closer to his face, squints harder, steals a quick glance across the table and hopes Gabi isn’t paying him any mind, too preoccupied with choosing from the bag of pastries she brought with her. It is with an impassive expression that he hands the stack of envelopes back. 

“Read it for me.” A beat and then he adds, a little reluctant: “Please.”

He knows Gabi prefers coffee in the mornings, and black tea in the evenings, so he makes sure to have a fresh brew of the former whenever he knows she’s coming over; so, with shaky hands, Levi gets to prepare her cup of coffee. While he enjoys the aroma of it, he remains faithful to tea; at first, he thought he didn’t like it because he had butchered his first attempts at brewing it. But even after Onyankopon had taught him how to do it properly and he had enjoyed his cup, it didn’t bring the same comfort as tea. It just never hit the spot.

She shoots him a mischievous grin, “Oh, you sure? What if I read something personal, hm?” 

Levi just shakes his head, scoffing at the idea of Gabi finding his junk mail fascinating.

“Is this how I find out you have a secret lover you’re exchanging raunchy love letters with?” Gabi teases, wiggling her eyebrows at him.

He lets out a tired sigh and rolls his eyes, “just wanna be done with it, ” he stirs the milk into Gabi’s coffee, which now has turned into a cup of milk with coffee. “We have a lot to prepare for tonight.”

She clicks her tongue at him, but still rips the first envelope open, “Mr. Levi, your reading won’t improve if you keep doing that,” she jokingly scolds him.

Although Levi mentally recognises handing her and Falco stuff he couldn’t be bothered reading before, that’s not the case this time. He’ll let her think that for now, though, because he doesn’t want to mention the pressure building in the back of his bad eye, it’s not important and she, a kid, doesn’t need to know his newly found ailment of the week. He can see just fine around him right now. He can see Gabi’s big eyes and playful smile at the other side of the table, and that’s good enough; smaller details, he doesn’t feel he can do them, not without making himself go dizzy with a migraine.

Levi slides the cup of coffee to her and is pleased with himself when she approves of the colour of her drink.

“It’s from Armin,” she announces as she scans the letter. 

From this angle, the soft morning light illuminating her face and thanks to his faulty vision, Gabi’s image stirs his memory. His heart faintly constricts as he is reminded of the many times Hange read their research reports to him during breakfast in the mess hall before presenting them to Erwin. Levi always wondered how they could read so fast, sometimes he even doubted they were actually reading at all, their words barely being able to catch up with her eyes; he never asked about it, maybe reading came easy to them as numbers did to him.

A high-pitched squeal from Gabi startles him, bringing him back to the here and now.

“Oh… ohh, Mr. Levi,” she starts, her smile widening by the second “This is good news!”

Gabi makes a show of clearing her throat and then starts reading “Dear Captain, I hope this letter finds you well and in good health.” 

Levi can’t help but let a sardonic huff at the irony of the greetings but doesn’t let himself be bothered by it. He has written only a handful of personal letters throughout his life, and by now he knows it’s just something you’re supposed to say because jumping straight to the point isn’t acceptable, or so that’s what he had been told. 

Gabi continues reading Armin’s words to him. For the most part, it’s a standard letter coming from him: he asks Levi how he’s dealing with the changing of the seasons, how Gabi and Falco are faring, if business at the tea shop has been good, if there’s anything Levi needs that he can’t get in town so that Armin or the others can get it for him. He tells him a little about the country he’s writing from, he even includes a photograph. Then, after the expected pleasantries, Gabi can barely hold her excitement and starts reading faster, trying so hard not to trip over her words.

“If I’m being sincere, we would prefer to ask you in person,” Gabi stops for a second to look up at him from the paper, gauging for a reaction and finding nothing, she continues. 

Armin apologises for not being able to visit him before the holidays, Annie included, and so it is implied that he won’t be attending tonight’s reunion. 

Sometime during the last five years, the Alliance brats had decided to make showing up at Levi’s doorstep together once a year a sort of custom; the first time it happened was during an early winter, a blizzard had stopped them from leaving Levi’s until the next morning. It had been a really nice evening despite the awful weather, Levi remembers, after everyone pitched in one way or another, they all shared a simple but hearty meal together. It was Connie who jokingly said they should do it every year. The following year, Onyankopon, Gabi and Falco joined them. 

This year would be their fourth, and the first someone wouldn’t make it. That fact sits heavily in Levi’s chest, stealing the spotlight from his throbbing eye.

“...Annie and I have decided to get married. The both of us would like you to officiate our ceremony!” unable to contain her excitement, she tears her eyes away from the paper and looks at Levi. “Huh?! This is good news! What’s with the constipated face?!”

That doesn’t sound right. It figures that Annie and Armin would be the first to marry; in a way, he is happy for them, they clearly care for each other. No, that part is easy to understand. Their union is logical to anyone who knows the couple. What Levi can’t figure out is why they are asking him such a thing.

He clears his throat, assumes it’s been 3 minutes and his tea is ready to be poured and so he distracts himself with that.

When he doesn’t answer Gabi, she picks up where she left off. 

He isn’t… well, he isn’t that close to either of them. He’s sure Annie must have other relatives that could step in his stead. Maybe a brother, a cousin. Even Jean or Reiner would be better options than Levi. He isn’t good with words or people like they are, he couldn’t possibly give them a speech about something foreign to him as it is that kind of love, that’s what people expect, right? His title of Captain is obsolete in this new world, so it can’t be that either. Hell, he has never been to a fucking wedding. 

Just… why him?

As expected, Armin doesn’t really go into the details of their choice but does let Levi know they do not expect a fast answer and that they do not want him to feel pressured to accept it, despite how much it would mean to them if he did. Armin asks if there’s anything in particular that he would like for his birthday, as it is a month away, and closes the letter by saying he looks forward to seeing him and everyone then.

When the letter is closed and put back into its envelope, silence falls around them. For a moment the only sound that can be heard is the clinking of tableware as Levi places the teacup back on its saucer.

It bothers him, that he knows he will be letting Armin down by refusing something that any other well-adapted person would consider an honour. But the thought of embarrassing him and himself, because he gave an awkward, most likely insensitive, speech, mortifies him. No, he can’t put them and their guests through that. He will find a way to make it up to the couple, maybe he can… he doesn’t know yet, but he will come up with something.

As he finishes his first cup, Levi realises that at some point while he was lost in thought, the ringing in his ear has subsided and now it’s back to that muffled, cotton-in-ear sensation he’s used to and he doesn’t feel his eyeball pulsating anymore. Glancing at Gabi, he notices she is trying really hard not to say something, her brow furrowed as she takes a sip of her own drink, followed by a big bite of her pastry. Flakes stick to the corner of her mouth and for once it doesn’t disgust him. Instead, it makes his lips twitch as if going into a smile.

“I can help you... if you want,” she says eventually, sounding uncharacteristically careful and small of her.

Levi quirks an eyebrow “Help? with what?” 

She shrugs, “How to… tell them you don’t want to,” she avoids looking at him for the first time, finding the flakes on her plate more interesting. She shrugs again and tilts her head to the side, a thin line of a smile appearing on her face. “...or prepare for the ceremony.”

Not unlike many times before, Gabi’s words render him speechless, if only for a moment. He spares his tea a glance and he thinks: it’s bold of her to be so upfront about offering her help to him, and had it been any other morning, one where he couldn’t think past the constant ache in his body, he would’ve chewed her head off for simply trying to help him because he himself doesn’t know how to accept that kindness.

This kid is trying her best and he can’t help but feel somewhat proud of that.

“You have shit on your face. Here,” he points to where the flakes would sit on his own face and picks his refilled teacup back up.

Gabi quickly wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, getting most of the flakes off. Levi gives her a thumbs-up with his free hand.

“I’ll think about it,” he finally concedes and tries to ignore the little happy dance she does in her seat.

This time, when the amber liquid touches his lips, it’s remarkably sweeter than before.

[mintypsii]

i wonder how zeff would've reacted to sanji's bounty poster changing to "only alive" and then later to sanji "vinsmoke" (well known former conquerors/royalty of the north blue)

whether sanji's told zeff about germa or not, zeff would be stressed OUT

[itzzaira]

TMNT Fandom Family Reunion - Campfire event || short story

Based off of these tags below from this post (tags belong to Allyheart707, their tumblr tagged below)

You thought you could hide these there and I wouldn’t notice? ✨️

Cabin 10 - the besties

Little Subjects - @allyheart707

The Wrong Side of the Portal - me!

@tmnt-fandom-family-reunion

--------

Heishi was not someone who took breaks.

He fought, he thought, he planned, he trained, he was on the lookout- the little slider was always doing something.

Anything at all.

Don't stop.

Just so he wouldn’t be seen as weak, or a waste, or-

Just to hopefully make his Master proud. Just to be enough. Just once. That's all he wanted.

Keep going.

But as if that hadn't been hard enough before, these other three stupid turtles made it so hard!

Like seriously?! Sitting around a stupid campfire listening to stupid stories and making those stupid snacks that actually tasted amazing- aaaugh Heishi no!

He shouldn't be liking those snacks. They weren't healthy. They made him weak.

Weak.

Heishi refused to be weak.

...Yet, against his will, he was still roasting a marshmallow above the campfire.

Mikey had pushed one into his hands- heck, he had even invited Heishi to join him and the other two, but the young warrior had simply huffed, shook his head, crossed his arms, and looked away. He shouldn't be here, he had things to do! Like train! Or anything! Just more! He had to do more!

Not enough.

Curse the other big Raph for managing to convince him to stay.

"Say, none of these guys have had any training, right?" The big Raphael had said, watching as his own version of Heishi- who he kept calling 'Leonardo' was handing Mikey a s'more. "And there's a lot of new people here... so wouldn’t they need a tough warrior to keep an eye on them? Just in case they got into trouble?"

...Well.

If he was stuck here anyway. He might as well keep watch.

Keep working.

It wasn't the best thing to do, but... it wasn't the worst thing either. Heishi liked these guys.

Currently, both Mikey and Donnie were asleep, leaning against the log they had been sitting on earlier with a blanket tugged around them. Raph sat on said log, having been dozing off but woke up when the other Raphael tried to tuck a blanket around him too. "Go back to sleep, kid." The big one whispered, patting his shell. Raph, however, slowly shifted his gaze to look at Heishi.

"...Leo." The snapper whispered, holding out am arm sleepily. The slider scoffed.

"Heishi." He corrected.

"Leo."

"Heishi."

Even though he acted annoyed about the name, 'Leo' didn't feel as bad as it should. Which just made poor Heishi feel worse. Why did the name sound right? He didn't want it to! Master Draxum would be so angry at him for disrespecting the name his creator had given him-

"Don't you feel tired, bud?" The big turtle asked- he wasn't the same species as Raph. He didn't even have freckles- he did have a crack in his plastron and wore a red bandana. "It's late."

"No." Heishi shook his head, stubbornly facing the fire, ignoring the other three tots completely. "Warriors don't sleep. Need to keep watch." Even if his eyes were drooping. Even if he felt exhausted. He had to keep awake and finish the job he had been assigned.

Try. Harder.

"...Ah-ha." Raphael looked a bit confused but didn't argue. He wasn't as nice as Raph. "...Aren't you like- four?"

Excuse me? "No! I'm big!"

"Five?"

Heishi huffed, puffing out his cheeks and glaring in an attempt to look angry- but in Raphael's eyes, he just looked stupid. However, there was something else...

This was familiar.

"...Alright, bud." The turtle decided- and for a brief moment, he looked at 'Leonardo', so fast Heishi almost missed it- but he noticed. Why did he look at Leonardo like that? Why did he give that same look to the tiny slider? "But you do know you need to be close to those you guard, right?"

...What? Heishi looked up, confused. Raphael nodded, a serious expression on his face.

"Come on, every warrior knows that." He said, placing both his hands on his hips. "How are you supposed to protect those you guard when you're far away? Evil will get to them before you can!"

Humans.

Heishi had never heard of such thing before- Master Draxum never told him. So. Was Raphael lying? But Raph didn't lie. And Raphael was Raph. Just from another world, but older. So Raphael wouldn’t lie either, right? Did that mean master Draxum hadn't taught him something? But why?

'Well duh.' His mind supplied. 'He probably thought you weren't ready for such a responsibility! You fail all the time!'

This was Heishi's chance to prove he could do something.

With a newfound determination, the young turtle nodded and got up. This caused him to remember he still had been roasting a marshmallow- and cringed when he saw how burned it had gotten. Raphael patted his back- that felt nice. Why did it feel nice-? "I'll get you a new one, kiddo, just sit down."

Heishi nodded, threw the marshmallow on the ground, and held the stick in front of him as some sort of sword as he marched over to where his brothers the other three turtles slept. He could do it! He would do great! Because he was Heishi. The greatest warrior of them all!

He saw down, stick in his lap.

He wouldn’t fail. Not this time.

.......

.........

...........

Okay this was boring.

Heishi yawned, shook his head, then looked at the fire. The fire was pretty. It was bright, warm, and... so cozy. And useful. For keeping warm, for cooking...

...Okay. Those marshmallows were not as bad as the young turtle had claimed them to be. He hoped the other Raph would bring more soon he actually wanted one. Plus! Food is important! To grow big! And strong! It wasn't his fault that that happened to be sweet treats.

...Not like Master Draxum was there to tell him no.

A soft murmur had him looking to his left- Mikey shifted slightly in his sleep but didn't wake, holding a bit more onto Donnie, squishing his cheek onto the other's shoulder. Heishi couldn't help but snicker. But he yawned afterward and leaned his back on the log behind him.

...Actually... now that he wasn't sitting up anymore... he was pretty tired.

But- no! He said he would watch over these guys! That's his job! He couldn't just abandon his job. No way!

Try harder.

But he was so tired.

Not enough.

Tiredness didn't matter! This place was new. He didn't know anyone. Who knows what kind of dangers there were lurking around?

Failure.

But the campfire was cozy. Everyone was laughing and talking. There were blankets and marshmallows shared everywhere. Best of all- barely any humans at all.

So.

This place couldn't be that bad, right?

His eyes drooped, and the little turtle looked up at the ceiling, trying to think.

...The ceiling was pretty.

Colorful, sparkly, glittery- were all caves this pretty? And dreamy. And soothing... and...

He hadn't even been aware that he had been dozing off until an arm wrapped around him.

Heishi blinked his eyes open (when had he closed them?) Surprised to see Raph- his Raph, (just barely) awake, no longer sleeping on the log but now sitting in the floor next to him, trying to pull the young slider close. "You looked cold..." he murmured, pulling the blanket and clumsily trying to cover Heishi with it too.

For whatever strange reason, the younger turtle didn't push him away as he should.

Instead, he let Raph pull him into a hug, just like when he had done in the lab. Curling up in his lap on instinct, his tail doing a little wag when he felt the older one's arms wrap around him. Raph put his head on top of Heishi's, blinking slowly, while lifting his knees- causing Heishi to snuggle closer to the snapper. That was fine. The slider nuzzled into his neck. This was nice.

...Maybe Heishi wasn't watching over them right because he was tired?

He yawned, and snuggled closer to Raph. The snapper shared his blanket with him, making sure he was fully covered before leaning back. The blanket was thin and soft. So soft.

So... if he was messing up because he was tired. That meant he should sleep, right?

"Sorry it took so long, kid, apparently someone tried to take the marsh-...oh."

"Shh." Raph shushed above him, pressing his fingers to his lips. Raphael nodded, unsure what to do with the marshmallows now. Sad. Heishi had wanted some- but he was sleepy. He would take some tomorrow, then, he was already drifting off.

At some point, a second blanket got thrown over them- Heishi opened his eyes a little bit to see his own counterpart, 'Leonardo'- the one in blue smiled gently once they made eye contact. "Go back to sleep, baby blue." He whispered- Heishi didn't understand that nickname. He should ask tomorrow, once he was awake. He instead hummed for now, relaxed, and fell asleep for real this time.

But not before he felt arms tightening around him, and hearing the softest 'Goodnight, Leo.' whispered to him that he ever heard, while another, bigger hand, patted his head.

[fearandhatred]

oh hi. this did not in fact take only an hour to write but hey it's done! any support is so so appreciated <3

also thread of me lowkey liveblogging myself (not) writing this lmaoo

Summary:

A fun little side perk of being a demon is that Crowley only gets to see the world in shades of grey. That is, until that world is touched by one particular angel.

They say that it's not the fall that hurts, it's the landing. That's a partial truth, at least for him. The landing did hurt—his bones had shattered almost methodically, travelling through his legs and up his spine like a shiver; the whiplash from his head hitting the ground had felt like an explosion of guts in his mouth. But the fall had hurt, too. Because the wind had cut into his useless wings like knives, his skin and grace peeling away under the friction, and he had been looking right up at the multicoloured and unreachable expanse of sky just to see it fade from his eyes into dull greys. And that was that. For the indiscriminate time afterwards, he and all the other demons wandered Hell's corridors like strays, lost and trying to adjust to a new life where hope looked just as bleak as despair. They wore all black, because the identifiability of that darkest shade meant that they wouldn't have to worry about clashing colours. An inconsequential problem, maybe, almost laughable in its insignificance, but it was the one piece of self-dignity they could still control. Back then, that was everything.

eybe surprised me with a drawing based on the holi scene in this fic and i treasure it with all my heart and it captures my mental image of it perfectly. it's included in the fic now too <3 love you eybe

[earl-grey-crow]

.

[angeart]

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something? :)c

i think one big thing that can certainly put me off the fic is formatting? endless paragraphs are one thing but...

ok, look, it can be an amazing story, but if i keep getting confused about who's talking, or especially if there are two different people talking in the same paragraph (something that bothers me endlessly), i might just give up and drop it.

if we're talking content wise, i think especially in romance (but this can apply to friendships too)— if i don't feel like the characters love or care about each other unless they spell it out? that's. not good. you know, when they say "i love you" and you're just there blinking at the screen like, DO YOU????? that.

i think these two points in general do sway me a lot.

--- question from this ask game

[didderd]

How can I show support for a friend who has tourette?

Thank you for helping me learn more about all this and for being honest with us ✨💖✨

Np, I'm very happy to teach abt it. Tysm for listening, and for asking abt it. <333

It kinda depends on the person, but generally:

Laughing about a funny tic (specially the ones they laugh about) is fine and can actually be a lot less awkward and make them feel less weird about it! As long as you're not laughing at them. (We know that our tics can be ridiculous and funny at times. I often laugh at my tics, even in the middle of a tic attack.)

If the person is having a bad tic attack. They'll be fine. For the most part it just needs to be waited out. Depending on the tic attack, you might want to give them some space if you're sitting close to them. Maybe if they're having SH tics like hitting their chest, ask if you should get a pillow or something for them to put in between them and their hands. Continue talking to them, whether or not they can talk back much through their tics. Rly tho, you should probably ask them what they would want you to do in the event of a bad tic attack.

(I don't mean to make tic attacks sound all big and dramatic lol. Usually they're not that bad, just the more sever ones can be.)

In general, just listen to them. Be there for them when they need it. Reassure them that they're normal and not weird if they ever doubt that. And don't treat them differently. <3

Oh and wish them a happy Tourette's Awareness Month whenever it comes around, and if you didn't this year, tell them you hope they had a good one. :>

[bibridlizzie]

Cleo Sowande

[pnsge]

one day i'll get the courage to say the words i want

[ghost-of-you]

#5sos5 is about one very intense relationship falling apart and I will write that post one day -> can that day please be today 🥺

i would love to hear your thoughts on how all the little album threads fit together!

Okay, sure, let's do this msksoakaala

Here's a Spotify playlist with songs in this order because I'm extra.

I will be using only the standard version of the album and considering that this is about a romantic relationship, I will be ignoring the 3 songs that are not about romantic relationships, best friends, take my hand and carousel. I will also be ignoring older, since it doesn't fit the narrative of the rest of the songs. For the sake of clarity I will also be using he for the narrator and she for the subject.

So, the album is about a relationship that's going in circles "we go around again we jump back in bed", "another glass until we come around", "we're going around again in the emotional blender" and we catch that relationship in the middle, since we don't have a song about falling in love, they're already there.

But it all starts in haze. They're still in that good in love, well, haze. The world only feels right when they're together. And there's no reference to the divide that's making them go around and around yet. The relationship is that easy thing that he'll keep chasing until the end. The love that made him feel human again after he's been through bad times, the person that makes him feel alright whenever they're around. Is chasing that high that keeps him coming back.

Then we go into complete mess. The relationship is no longer easy, she makes him complete, but she also makes him a mess. There are also beginnings of the divide between them "call it a lesson when I feel you slide away" and "I learned my lesson when I felt you slip away" and the relationship is no longer the easy "and I am human once again" from haze, he's questioning because he's "caught up in heaven but your heaven ain't the same", he's hanging on to the good moments through the confusion, because he loves her and she makes him complete but the relationship is not just the beautiful things anymore.

Then we have me, myself and i. The beauty of mm&i is that she fits in any of the off moments of the relationship. It's that desperation of trying to believe he did the right thing letting the phone ring. The song is a loop and lyrically it ends without really ending. He's alone, it's his fault and he's trying to convince himself he's fine with it. "I guess I got what I wanted" but at the same time "I never knew what I needed" and he has the same words running around and around and around. I did put this in the beginning over the "i know you wish me well" because the belief that she's still in it with him fades with time.

Then we go into easy for you to say. This song could be an attempt to make it right once they come back. She was someone who saw him through bad times and he's trying to explain how he got caught up in that bad side. But they're already stuck in a cycle. He lies then comes back to explain it and he promises that "each and every time I'll try and change my ways" but it's easier for her to make demands than it is for him to actually comply. Ultimately he's trying to get her to understand the darkness in him that makes him do stubborn things that might end up with him doing something to jeopardize the relationship but he will keep trying anyway.

Then we go into blender. Like mm&i, blender fits in the beginnings of any on period. But he's already tired. The song starts with him watching her across the room, so they aren't in the best place but "we just can't keep away" so it's starting again. I think the blender metaphor here is great because a blender spins things around while chopping them up, so no cycle is without consequence. Being trapped in this is bad for both of them and they know it but he can't stay away. He's still trying like he promised "I tried for you" but at this point he's questioning if all they're doing is hurting each other while going around "but all a hear is..."

Then we go into bad omens and caramel. I think they are the same cycle, the last cycle, from both points of view. I wrote this back when the album came out, you can read that if you want something more elaborate on why i feel like these two songs go hand in hand. But both songs are about holding on to something that's clearly beyond saving, but while bad omens is desperately fighting to keep it together, caramel is going through the motions in that failure. In bad omens he knows he's chasing something that's hurting him, but he needs to keep trying because that's what you do when you love somebody. There's also the "we go around again we jump back in bed" that goes with "all the things you said in my head ricocheting off the bed" in blender because they jump into bed just to ricochet right of off it and it's just creating more of a mess. And caramel he's chasing that easy, being in love and being known and being with that person that makes everything better he had with her in the beginning, but he can't find it, it's right there and he can't reach it but he's hanging on anyway because "it used to be easy" so why can't it be easy again? So he just can't let go.

Then we go into bleach. Bleach is the realization that maybe he's fighting for something he can't save. It ties back to bad omens and the "I'm still making sense of having nothing left to save" he's literally trying to make sense of watching "everything i want and everything i was spinning down the drain". "Brought a knife to a gunfight" he's not equipped for the fight that he's in. And he knows it's not easy and "it takes time to let go but i can't take it no more" it's the realization he needs to step out of the cycle to figure out a way to live with her.

Then we end it all with red line and you don't go to parties. Why am I grouping them together? They're both waiting for something to happen. They're both waiting for her to walk in. But red line is in that hopeless how many times can I come back if you keep pushing me out feeling and ydgtp is accepting the fact that she just doesn't fit in anymore, since "everyone I ever knew is standing in my house" but she's not there. Red line is actually him finally accepting that he has nothing left to save, going back to bad omens, and he did lose who he was while falling out of love, going back to bleach. And ydgtp is him contemplating all the times he intentionally lost his mind in the name of being passionate about something. I also like ydgtp as the last song for the relationship because it's the one where he accepts she's not there anymore. And that also ties back to blender because he was watching her across the room in blender and in ydgtp he's scanning the room for her even though he knows she's not coming back this time.

[willlmesh]

if each pair of prisoners has one intentional murder and one unintentional murder. and mahiru's murder was Definitely the unintentional one. and shidou's victims are supposed to be just his family since they're the only ones who are actually in the triage mv. did he kill his family intentionally in the end ????? in what way ? does "intentional" just mean he was the one to have them taken off life support or is it something less obvious ?

[captain-habit]

Probably one of the worst sort of frustrations, is when you start to wonder if something you've been spending so much time, and energy, and PAIN on is worth all the effort...

[icarusdiesatdawn]

I hate that sometimes my entire future depends upon whether people like me or not