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#i havent talked about them in years at this point
strrykais · 3 days
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control alt + love [k.seung smau]
12. balls to the face
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"here are your maps, and walkies. we split up in twos, felix and jeongin you head to crow nest, jisung and changbin head to the junkyard." seungmin says looking at the guys.
"minho are you okay with hanging out in the tower at the capital? we need a high vantage point of our flag." he says pointing at the map staring at minho as he nods. "okay chan is staying with the flag defending, ill head to the fort raptor, when you spot their flag don't engage, call for back up."
“remember jongho and mingi are their best shooters so be mindful when you are in open areas, their shots are nasty and accurate. wooyoung is our best bet in capturing if we want to win.” felix says glancing around at the team. everyone gives nods.
“hongjoong and seonghwa arent the best shots but they are fast and good at hand to hand combat to be careful.” minho says looking at jisung.
“whats that look for?” jisung scoffs. “why are they good at this thing?”
“this is how they team bond they do it like once a month with their staff. seungmin and I join from time to time.” minho tells jisung. “dude you literally came to one of these.”
"what about me?" you say side stepping behind minho raising your hand before the two of them could continue.
"you are with me." seungmin says looking at the walkies making sure they are on the right channel. "okay that's everything, remember stay hidden and don't get shot."
you watch as the team disperse seungmin still continuing to look at the map. you walk up next to him trying to glance over his shoulder.
"shorty you are too close. i can feel you on my back." he says glancing over his shoulder
"oh sorry" you say stepping back only for him to turn around walking to you, you slowly step back more but seungmin continues to step at you completely blocking you in when your back hits a tree trunk.
"what are you doing? aren't we supposed to head to fort raptor." you say avoiding eye contact glancing around him.
"im going to fort raptor, you on the other hand, well depends on how you answer this." seungmin says pressing his gun into your lower stomach.
"you gonna shoot me? are you being for real? whats up with this damn team and not having their teammates back?" you say huffing out.
"listen yn, one thing my team does is have each others back. im sorry that the little game you and jeongin were playing didnt go the way you want, but there is something you need to learn and im gonna teach you." seungmin says leaning in, the barrel of the gun digging deeper into your stomach.
"and what is that exactly?" you say trying to seem more cool than you were feeling inside. you couldn't exactly understand what is going on but your heart was racing and you felt like your breathing was erratic.
"teamwork. i know its hard to be heard because you are new, and a girl so you feel like you have to shout. but we, your teammates arent the ones you need to be shouting at. we had your back the moment felix picked you. we had to fight tooth and nail to get hq to even accept the idea of letting a girl on the team. i also understand friends fight its a normal thing to bicker especially with us living together. but what you won't do is belittle your teammates on live game play like that ever again. jeongin can be a lot, trust me i know the kid for 3 years, but sometimes you gotta be the bigger person and either ignore it or talk it out. i don't care that we lost because i knew it. but your fight didn't just effect you and him. it was effecting everyone. your game style change to a selfish one and minho and jisung had to pick up the slack you were pulling. and whatever they couldn’t keep up with, changbin had too pick it up. you caused a chain reaction. do you understand what im trying to say."
seungmin steps back when he notices you havent said anything, lifting your head you stare right at him.
"you are right im sorry, it won't happen again."
"you are right, it won't because ill bench you." he says turning around walking away.
you giggle out at his joke, only for you to stop when you notice he isnt laughing.
"wait you arent serious about benching me?" you say grabbing your gun and calling out after him. seeing him give you a little smirk and a shrug he continues to walk.
"hurry shorty we are behind schedule."
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a/n : i apologize for the lack in updates.. lwk been having writers block but we are SO BACK ALSO SEUNGMIN CRUMBS when the slow burn is fr a slow burn.... :( how excited are we to have this ball rolling??
tags: @onlyhyunjin @15092000volcano @chenlesfavorite @hippopotamusdreamer @vegetablesarefuntables @soondoongdoriii @jeonginplsholdmyhand @nappynapnaps @sincerely-sun @staytinyluv @kimseungminpabo @seungzsmin @sweetasmarie @hinanitiram @tricky-ritz @ayyonoona @hanniemylovelyquokka @toplinehyunjin @missystay @binniesbabe @tirena1 @jihoons-kitten @skz-ot8-stay @darlingz99 @khandzilla @icouldntcareless22 @rihaee @kikieatsfood23 @hvnverse
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erodingsinner · 3 months
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Arrow if Slade and Oliver had a fucked up toxic romantic thing going
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Recognizing Early Signs of Mental Illness
#fe3h#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#thats all it gets tagged as. if you see it then you were meant to see it.#txt post#side note while im in the tags no one looks at#im not too big a fan of the way people call his untreated psychosis as him being feral#its not a ground breaking take with the last 5 years of the game existing but ive only beem into fe3h for a year and its my blog#so I get to talk about it#like yes I understand its because he's likened to a Feral Boar charging ahead with destruction in its path and no brains etc etc#whatever felix said#but the way fans take that and really focus on calling an unhoused man with unresolved childhood ptsd haunting him for life feral?#the way fans take that and call a guy whos psychotic breakdown went untreated for 5 years feral?#REALLY doesnt sit well with me#idk im not the sort to be like “he didnt mean to murder this isnt him 🥺” because he did do that. a lot of that.#But people do things they dont want to do all the time when given the right mental state for it#Do you see people on the streets talking to themselves and shouting at the air and call them feral?#the ones you can smell from 6 feet away? the ones who have a crust on their hands and hair stiff from not having access to a proper shower?#the ones that havent had access to help or medication? Do you call them feral? Do you extend a hand or even look in their direction?#I'm rambling by this point. tldr mental health awareness and be kind to one another#and also to be careful and use your best judgement when helping because I stopped for an older woman asking for help#and she almost stabbed me in an empty parking lot#not my brightest moment
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the-kneesbees · 4 months
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just watched my brother graduate
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finalexpenses · 4 months
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just remembered that earlier i saw someone say that dunmesh is "a dwarf father and a half-foot father and a half-elf mother trying to raise their weird autistic son (laois) together" . MARCILLE IS YOUNGER THAN LAOIS DEVELOPMENTALLY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years
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I honestly don't think I was capable of fully understanding how dangerous restricting was until after I had been in recovery for like 8 months already. And I sadly really mean that. I worry about you guys :((
#i dont mean this in a condescending way i mean this in a i literally had brain damage from my ed way#if you dont care if you die or not thats one thing. but believe me when i tell you this:#your ed will not kill you fast. it will take 10+ years of physical and psychological torture. and yes i mean torture thats not exaggeratio#and if you decide in ten years that its not worth and you want to recover thats awesome of course#but theres a high likelihood of irreversible damage at that point#it doesnt take a lot to make your body sick#not nearly as much as i think you guys think#the things you're sacrificing are not under your control. you didnt choose to be sick and you do deserve to be helped#we all make it out one way or another#i just hope you guys make it out sooner than i did#because no one deserves that and i mean it. not even me#the things your ed can do to you arent even talked about. not in media not even in a lot of anorexia forums#not even by the doctors that treat them#after a few years of restricting even if you havent lost weight your body is damaged#your brain is damaged. a lot of the damage is reversible but some of it inevitably wont be#idk i know fear mongering isnt going to help any of you#i just get really mad that there arent better resources and treatments for us out there#i may be just one person but i mean this with all of my heart#i hope you find better days and health and carefree mornings and nights without the shroud of obsessive thoughts#and warmth and love and the mental clarity and strength to keep fighting#you all mean so much to me#and this blog will always be a safe space for people struggling with eds wether they want to recover or not#please take care of yourselves
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ofcowardiceandkings · 19 days
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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orcelito · 9 months
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The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow
The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[
#speculation nation#negative/#i guess. i Am complaining.#i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas.#but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now.#ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even#like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh#even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time#something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope#i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them#like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right?#but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me.#because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for#and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person.#she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything.#no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that?#so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around.#but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her#really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long.#and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time#so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully.#what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her.#either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all.#or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is.#i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her#so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.
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i want to compile a list of horror media that people need to watch before they call genloss groundbreaking incredible material. like yall are soooo so deeply entrenched in copium toting this thing around like its the best piece of horror media in the world when like. theres no horror. there has literally been no horror. how are we watching the same thing. go watch gemini home entertainment or marble hornets or daisy brown or unedited footage of a bear or this house has people in it and then come back to me. dont fucking talk to me until youve consumed some horror media thats actually good first!!!!!!!!
#sorry i KNOW i said i wouldnt genloss post too much but it just makes me so fucking angry#as a very very very long term horror enthusiast and aspiring horror creator#i feel fucking insulted every time i see genloss being listed as something incredible . when.#theres no horror or comedy in your horror comedy that was originally advertised for two goddamn years as an arg n then analog horror and th#like. pick a theme. give me literally anything. its so bad. im so angry. and i DONT get angry at media.#i actively try not to grt angry at media and legitimately havent since veryyyy early middle school.#so the fsct that this thing is making me so mad is a huge deal.#anyone who has known me for any number of years knows like. i dont get mad about shit!!!#especiallt shit that doesnt rlly matter like fictional media!!! i dont like to expend the energy on that!!!#so when i say genloss makes me so angry to the point where i was literally#sweaty and out of breath after aster and i got off the phone talking abt it the other day#i need you to understand i am not a hater#like#ughgrrghrggghghh#go fucking watch saw (2004) youll have a much better time than watching whatever bs this is#ranboo makes this big long post about how his project is better than aevery other horror short film#and doesnt deserve to be put on a shelf with the rest of them as if theyre beneath his genius vision#and then gives us this cheap heartless garbage that isnt even unique in its badness.#hes just using ideas from other things but doing it worse!!!!!! theres nothing new!!! theres nothing unique!!!#two years of promotional content and like 5 hours of livestreams and they have not given me a single#character or story beat that is interesting enouhj to care about. you cant have horror without first#giving your audience something to care about and then snatching that thing away from them. urhhggghghghgh#reaction time#genloss neg#genloss crit#sorry. im trying to keep the hater posting to a minimum but im so. exhausted
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Wanna put your friend in a lil terrarium just to see what wacky things she does stg 😂
i actually Cannot Stress the migraine she gives me every time we hang out. like without fail she'll always say or do something that ranges from mildly questionable or irritating but relatively Whatever to How Have You Survived This Long Without Burning Your House Down Boiling An Egg
#snap chats#and then there's her just forgetting things or being late despite the amount of times ill remind her#and i keep stressing to her i cannot stand it when people are late. and then she shows up to things an hour late anyway#or 'when shes late' by fifteen minutes because she didnt think to text me she's there. and im already stressed and annoyed I. UGH i swear.#LIKE. i have only really had two irl friends and both of them i lowkey had to parent in some way#at least my childhood bestie she's like. she's grown a lot and even if i havent spoken to her in a while im real proud of her right#THIS MOTHERFUCKER THO. OUUUUUGGGH.... youre not supposed to say anythin if you dont got nothin nice to say#which is contradictory to the main body text but point is let me Not be any more mean than how ive been already LMAO#even funnier about her looking at that comic is that LITERALLY masumi says he's talking to jo ☠️☠️☠️☠️#did i already say i have to remind her who jo is every three seconds#like the entirety of chap 2 when ichi's out of jail she was all 'why doesnt he just say who ACTUALLY killed the guy'#and then when we finally run into the fuckass who 'actually killed the guy' she's just 'wait who's that'#then i tell her and shes like 'oh my god he's so old now' IT'S BEEN 18 YEARS DUMBASS#ngl did wanna make a comic based off that LMAO BUT POINT IS she tests my patience every day and i think its good practice#if im going to work with people in the future like ohh.. my god....#she told me once she's never been on a date and its like. yeah i wonder why you can't even be assed to show up on time to hangouts ☠️#like ive never had friends so maybe im just insane.. im not insane for wanting people to be on time tho....#OK IM BEING TOO MEAN LET ME CAP IT THERE
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princekirijo · 1 year
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I don't even think ATLUS realizes that the Female Protagonist is popular and if they do they don't know WHY
You get to have social links with the male party members and Ryoji (Junpei's social link is one of the best), you get to choose your Velvet Room attendant, you get to save Shinjiro, you get two fan favorite characters, Saori and Rio, Yukari misgenders femc and Fuuka misgenders Theo, every female party member and Elizabeth have a bisexual awakening because of femc
And then in FES the Answer gives us AMAZING character development for Yukari Aigis and Mitsuru plus it introduces an underrated character that Atlus has ignored ever since in Metis
So why not have both. Baffling.
Yeah it is kinda like crazy that they could literally make everyone happy by just combining portable and fes into this upcoming remake and add the new stuff they want to add but ig that's just not what they wanted to do 😫
Reading that article and the ign one it seems that they're really bent on remaking the persona 3 experience as opposed to like idk make a definitive edition to the game (which is what most p3 fans want). There's not really much we can say there because I suppose from like an "artistic" point of view so to speak they chose to bring the original p3 experience (well fes' journey) to newer audiences. As I said before there's absolutely nothing wrong with that HOWEVER I do think that adding the extra content from fes and portable would have served that goal way better than just... remaking p3. As you said both the answer and portable add much more dimension to the story and characters of p3 so by essentially ignoring that not only are you doing the game a disservice (im like 90% sure portable is canon and 100% sure the answer is canon) but it's also gonna confuse new fans when we start talking about Metis or Erebus or idk what actually happened in the final battle of p3.
Unless of course Atlus is planning on retconning the answer and portable. Which... wouldn't be great. But hey at this point I am curious as to see what they're gonna do but I'll say it rn none of the remake stuff will be canon in my eyes.
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bhalspawn · 7 months
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got on to Facebook for the first time in awhile and i actually enjoyed seeing how many of my classmates have kids already. im so glad alexis has a 2 kids already that's what you get for telling me i looked ugly with straight hair in 5th grade
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anti-dazai-blog · 1 year
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Got the most baffling ask from [redacted] about an hour ago saying that I should “stop judging Dazai for past actions” and I’m still thinking about it.
What. what does that mean.
#I havent even started analyzing the light novels yet Everything I talk about is in the main manga??#What “past actions”???#Regardless of Time not existing (in the Real Life sense) in fiction#So there’s no such thing as “past actions” (in the Real Life sense.) there’s only “before” and “after” the main story#Meaning if there’s a ten year time skip at the end that’s seen as “the future” rather than “the present”#The main story will always be “the present”#The main story doesn’t become “past actions” as soon as there’s something that comes after it#And with the way BSD is written very little could even be considered “the past” in and of itself#Yosano and Kenji’s backstories are shown as flashbacks within the main story so technically they can be seen as “the past”#But the Light Novels are shown as standalone stories (as in you don’t need to read the main manga to read them)#So if I were reading Dark Era then that would be “the present” and the main manga would be “the future”#Because. Time doesn’t move in fiction. It’s stationary.#What’s “the present” is a matter of perspective when you have a story like#The same way when a movie has a sequel. if you watch Movie 1 the sequel is “the future” but if you watch Movie 2 it becomes “the present”#While Movie 1 is “the past”#And that’s not even touching on how fictional characters can be judged by absolutely anything they did at any point of time#Because like I said. Fictional Time Is Stationary.#And I hate to say it but everyone very much judges Real People based on past actions?#Yeah I do actually think people should be held accountable for their crimes and not just forgiven because it happened a while ago#“But judge.. I killed all those people 4 years ago!! Why are you so caught up on the past??”#Anyway back to my original question#In context of this blog. What does that even mean.#(Like. Am I only supposed to talk about the latest chapter or something?)#(Do you sit in literature class going “why’s Hamlet judging Claudius for his past actions??”)#(Like. SIR. That’s a part of the story for a reason.)
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I think the hardest thing in writing for me sometimes is the like “show don’t tell/let people communicate through subtext/Normal People don’t just walk around openly explaining their motivations for everything That’s Unnatural” thing because like.. I literally DO walk around openly explaining my motivations for everything, that is how I talk, I am an analytical detail oriented over-communicator who explains everything as thoroughly as possible and and will give a fully detailed 2 minute long answer to something simple like “how are you doing today?” .. like it’s hard to make things sound Natural and Normal when you yourself are inherently unnatural and abnormal in your methods of communication to an extent lol
#''hey. whats up? you look kind of sad.. is something wrong?''   normal answer (apparently how people are supposed to talk): *looks away#remosefully and stares into the distance* ''n-no.. I'm fine. don't worry about it.''   abnormal answer (how I would respond): ''Yeah I#'m mostly fine. I was just thinking about what the future is going to be like 30 years from now and if I'll ever actually accomplish anythin#g that I want to. which makes me feel X way for XYZ reason. you see because I had a dream last night that made me think of *continues to exp#lain my exact emotional state and inner thought process completely matter of factly in exact detail for 5 more minutes*#tfw you would be a badly written character if you existed in a story lol#This is also why I struggle making conflict because most conflicts can be resolved through conversation and I personally love to have long#detailed conversations about everything. Like literally I don't have hardly any conflicts interpersonally because if something happens it's#immediately followed up with like ''hey sorry if my tone of voice sounded a bit pointed or harsh. when you were talking to me I was trying#to balance all the stuff I was taking up the stairs and also my leg hurts so I think all my mental energy was being used there and I just#didn't feel like talking. I should have just said 'wait a minute and we can discuss it inside' instead of trying to end the conversation qui#ckly in a short rude way.' ''oh yeah thats fine. I thought it was something like that. sorry for hounding you about the topic as well. i#havent eaten in a while so I think I'm just a bit prickly at the moment. we should both rest for a while and destress from the store#trip and then talk about it later. maybe after lunch?' 'sure. sounds good.' like LITERALLY. lol#it is so hard for me to write characters who are bad communicators or don't understand their own internal states or arent constantly#analyzing their own actions to understand what they do/don't feel and why and what the cause of it is and etc. etc. etc.#I just naturally want everyone to perfectly undertsand everything and communicate amazingly and have complete self awareness and#logical presence of mind gjhbj.. which like.. of course comes across as unnatyural and also those type of people rarely ever get involved in#conflict and conflict is APPARENTLY what drives stories (even though I don't like most conflicts and just want to resolve them lol) so ...aa#I mean you can get around this to some degree by the fact that (at least in my opinion) no rule for dialogue is 100%. dialogue is good if it#sounds naturally like it comes from the character who said it. It can be meandering and pointless and rambly IF that matches the character.#it can be dry and overly self aware IF your character is that way and it suits them. So like throwing in a few detached scholar types or lik#e '5000 year old cave dwelling hermit' type people is good for me and works BUT the thing is an ENTIRE cast of characters can't be that way.#at some point - even in a setting where everyone is reserved and academic (like a research camp in the wilderness full of scholars and stuff#) still SOMEBODY has to be the one who's conflict prone and doesn't pristinely understand all of their emotions and etc. etc. Because statis#tically that is still literally the majority. Kind of like my tendency to make everyone 100% aromantic and asexul when it's like.. YES.. may#be 2 or 3 or even 4 out of 10 of them could be that way. but like.. an entire group? a diverse group of 10 people from all walks of life and#EVERY single one is like that??? hgjh . you have to add realistic variety#As much as I'm pro 'have more stories where sex or romance are literally NOT involved at all in any capacity since it's already oversaturate#d in media' I'm also dedicated to realism. alas. (at least as realistic as you can get in a fantasy setting lol)
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britneyshakespeare · 11 months
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i finished twelfth night. 25 out of 38 shakespeare plays completed.
#after finally reading othello and twelfth night in the past 10 days im not sure which are the most famous plays i still havent read#bc like ive mentioned previously ive always read the plays in arbitrary order. whatever piqued my interest#hence why i read the henry vi plays relatively early on. or some of the more obscure comedies#but lately since i past the halfway mark this year some of the more talked-about ones im like 'geez i should just get to that one already'#not that that makes me enjoy it any less. i think i mentioned that in my post i made while reading othello#i fucking loved othello. that shit was 10/10 although i very much was reading it bc i felt like i had to at that point.#doesnt mean i wouldnt love it. after all i only read shakespeare bc i love shakespeare! not bc theres a gun to my head#its more like i just want to know what everyone's talking about already#tales from diana#i think at this point the most famous one i still havent read is... much ado about nothing? which isnt THAT famous all things considered#but some of you ppl do seem to be awful crazy about it so ill see#i already knew the plot of twelfth night i had just never read the original. now i have#so i kinda already knew how much enjoyment i could get out of it. some! a good amount!#but i found it a quick read and i wasnt THAT excited about it#the next one i want to read is pericles though. ive read 8 shakespeare plays in 2023 but none have been romances!#i do love the romances. the romances are still the only genre where i havent read more than half of them#ive read 2 out of 5. the tempest and the winter's tale... two of my favorites overall#in a way ive kind of been holding myself back from reading more romances bc i needed to check some of my 'required reading' boxes lol
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apathyfairy · 1 year
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like  it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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