#i havent been trying to lose weight but its been happening

[medium-guy]

feeling disgusted with my body (I can feel my ribs and its freaking me out)

[omanu]

.

[feelingbloo]

doing this all at once because im fasting and need a distraction... this shit be getting personal lmao

day 1: your stats

currently 82.2lbs as of writing

day 2: how tall are you, do you like your height?

im 4'10, no not really! definitely doesnt help my bmi out at all, lmao. id prefer to be around 5'4.

day 3: a picture of your thinspiration. what features do you like about this person?

most thinspo kinda rolls off my back and doesnt affect me, so i dont really look at it. blessing and a curse.

day 4: your greatest fear about weight loss

i only have one fear, and its my partner. she (not so subtly) compares herself to me and uses me as thinspo, and i know losing weight will only make this problem worse.

day 5: why do you really want to lose weight? are you doing it for you?

im not sure if theres a real reason anymore. everything i can think of is something that occurred after the disordered eating started, so i dont know what truly drives me. id say im doing it for myself because theres nobody else i would do it for.

day 6: do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do

of course, definitely. most times its due to an emotion, i think ive always used food as a comfort in that way.

day 7: do your parents know you are trying to lose weight? do they care?

they dont, i never told them and they havent found out. i assume my mom would care, my father sorta shuts himself off so i dont know if hed be mad about it or what.

day 8: your workout routine

im physically disabled from an unknown myopathy (my body doesnt produce enough muscle) so everything is a workout to me lmao. i generally walk around for 4-ish hours a day, since i cant quite manage anything else.

day 9: did anyone ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

no, only my eating habits. i was often told that i ate so much i mustve had a tapeworm, and most of what i eat is "junk food" due to sensory issues.

day 10: what was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?

dude, i fucking miss the liquid calories! in past restriction phases i refused to count liquid cals, and i definitely still lost weight, but not as fast as i would have liked. ive started counting them and ughhhhh.

i didnt cut them out completely, so i still have creamer in my coffee and the occasional soda, but i want my milkshake goddamnit 😭

day 11: your favorite thinspo blog and why

same answer as day 3.

day 12: what do you normally eat?

for main meals i usually have tuna on toast, egg salad sandwiches, cream cheese bagels, ham sandwiches/ham bagels, grilled cheeses, basically just carb + animal product. if we order out its either a cheeseburger or fried rice.

for sides/snacks/small meals i like string cheese, pickles, mini candies, lollipops, pepperoni, if theres any sweets in the house i have some of that.

its a wonder that i even lose weight on this lmao. but OMAD and counting cals is what makes it possible.

day 13: are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

i dont think ive ever seen someone answer this with the former option. we're all doing this unhealthily on this side of tumblr.

day 14: whats your UGW? when do you expect to reach it?

ooh, tough one. it seems like everyone has a set UGW but i dont. i feel most compelled towards the number 73lbs, which is the bmi of my LW (15.3). i dont think that bmi is low enough for me though, i'll figure out when i get there.

ive gotten close to that weight a couple times, but ultimately something always happens and i emotionally binge or whatever. no clue about timing.

day 15: are you vegan or vegetarian? if so, has this helped you lose weight? if not, would you consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

ive had lengths of time where ive been pescetarian (vegetarian + fish), it never helped me lose weight.

at this time in my life im not able to limit my diet to that degree, but i heavily support the lifestyle for ethical and environmental reasons. if i move out id likely try veganism.

day 16: when did you first decide to lose weight?

i began obsessively weighing myself at 7, and started to learn purging around 9/10. it wasnt ever something i was serious about, but at 12 i discovered the online ana community andddd... it really just brought out that part of me. so id say 12 is where it officially began, but ive had it in me since 7.

day 17: do you have an eating disorder?

never officially diagnosed but i dont think most people here are. yes, anorexia nervosa.

day 18: what food is your weakness?

i dont restrict what type of food i eat, as long as its under my limit. but my real weakness is food other people give me... i cant resist it regardless of the calories and it makes me feel so dumb. they dont even have to be in the room! it could just be takeout, they dont even have to be the one to cook it!

day 19: when is the last time you ate fast food?

i cant even remember, i almost never eat it since i dont like it. the grease and the oils coat my mouth and throat and it feels so disgusting.

taco bell cinnamon twists are bomb though.

day 20: favorite diet?

the special k diet is funny (literally just eat special k) but i always lose a lot of weight when i do cereal-based diets like that.

day 21: what are your clothing sizes?

ehhhh,,, i dont wear fitting clothes and everything is baggy, do usually womens small or sometimes xs.

my measurements are quite small (26bust, 23waist, 28hip IIRC?) so im below a 00 in most charts ive seen. unfortunately thats just my general size due to my height, im not as thin as people imagine from that by any means.

day 22: what was your lowest weight? when and how did you gain?

73lbs at 12, my height didnt change since then lmao. i experienced some trauma right after getting to that weight, which led to me binging myself back up to 90lbs.

day 23: did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

i think it was more personal experiences rather than the media, however the media likely did contribute once i had already established my disordered eating.

day 24: how do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia

it depends on the context. in the original meaning, it just meant a space where you could discuss your disorder without actively working towards recovery. i support that heavily.

nowadays, where it usually means people promoting ana/mia as some pretty dainty "lifestyle", fucking ew. what is wrong with you people. i understand wanting to romanticize your disorder (and find others who do the same), but i draw the line at genuinely thinking that disordered eating makes you "better" than others, or whatever bullshit they try to say.

day 25: have you ever purged? if so, describe your first experience.

i have purged in the past, but due to my disability (day 8) i typically cant vomit anymore no matter what i try. the muscle just isnt strong enough anymore to contract that violently.

first experience was harrowing lmao, i had had a bowl of instant ramen and was hallucinating as i was purging it. everything else was so distracting, i dont really remember anything about the actual purging itself.

day 26: what excites you most about reaching your UGW?

the first time i got to my LW, i just remember feeling so giddy and proud and i want that again and again.

day 27: how do you deal with being around food?

if i eat it, im not longer around it... i just have zero self control.

day 28: do you want that gap between your legs? why?

i guess so. its something a lot of people are envious of, and i knew i was happy when i had it in the past.

day 29: your definition of beauty.

this is going to sound "wrong" from an anorexic person, but chubby people. i dont have a fetish for it, i have slept with average people without problem, but i dont think i could date someone who wasnt at least bmi 23... ive found that bmi 25-27 is the sweet spot though.

i just think theres something so attractive about it regardless of gender. like hell yeah thick arms and round stomachs and back rolls. fuck yeah.

day 30: 10 facts about you! and now, what are your stats?

oh god what is this, an interrogation? not saying stats since im doing this in one go.

i draw (hobbyist, nowhere near professional)

i collect animal bones and general knick knacks

garfield and miku are my favorite characters

i tap on everything

i wanted to be a veterinarian as a kid

favorite animals are polar bears and hammerheads

my grandmother wanted me to be named tapestry (what??)

i have dyscalculia

i enjoy making cookies

i can barely whistle

[mihotose]

im like totally done for. started listening to mirapa radio. (havent listened to a love live radio since uraraji in 2017!!!)

*the title of episode 1 was "we've been waiting for 1.5 years!" which is true. they were cast in early 2022 and were training for a year before debut

the first time kankan and konachi met in person they had a dance lesson and konachi was just So ☆ Tired she Had to have a nap on kankan's lap ♡

however the actual first time hasu all met konachi did it remotely and she remembers kankan as a strange person with a loud voice and big body language w ("eh shes my partner...?")

if they mess up dododo in practice they have to do it again ten times on the spot, and since kanchan says shes a bad dancer shes had to do the intro choreo a lot

they listened to ep 1 of the radio while getting their makeup done for the bloom the dream live

kankan then came to record ep 2 of the radio wearing the bloom the dream live tshirt (meant as a surprise for konachi)

the beginning of bloom the dream where they entered the stage matching the video of their member was hard for kankan as well w since she has to match ruri's doyagao (ten rep system applied here too)

since the dododo outfits are sleeveless and kankan doesnt wear sleeveless clothes she was worried about her upper arms and was asking their dance teacher how she could lose weight there who was like eh... idk...

konachi likes how even though dollche's AWOKE outfits are black they glitter when the light shines on them

konachi thinks nonsuke is so cute and keeps trying to make her do cute things lol (kankan: uichan will get mad!)

kankan: its like i dont want bad things to happen to her... like if an evil organisation comes ill get rid of them for her

when they first performed hakuchuu a la mode everyone cheered so loud they were worried they would drown out the "1,2,3!" at the beginning but then everyone quietened down really quickly

kankan: megu-chan's voice is like gentle and sweet while ruri-chan is like spice

about ameagari street kozue: kankan "what are you thinking about when you look at tsuzuri-senpai, kozue-senpai?"

they gushed about kozue with her hair down in episode 8 and kankan said she wants to see kozue with megu's twin tails. they are looking forward to seeing kozue with her hair down in the future please!!!

favourite dollche song: konachi - tragic drops; kankan - sparkly spot

favourite ceribou song: konachi - mix shake (she likes the towel waving and the choreo)

they love how kozue and kaho's voices blend together and the suisai sekai outfit obi and pompom rings and hair accessories

konachi said she doesnt really like formal language so asks everyone to write casually in the letters from now on ☆

kankan was about to eat her favourite dashimaki tamago from her bentou when konachi came up to her and said あ～ん so kankan was like i have to give this to her now!

and then again, kankan was drinking ramune and konachi did the same thing, so kankan brought it to her mouth and konachi bit her finger

"she was out of control earlier but it seems shes calmed down now for the broadcast"

they make that "sorry... i love you" / "every day is a holiday 😊🎵" joke

hasu is mostly neko-ha but kanchan is inu-ha. she likes chow chows like ruri

they read an example letter for a future corner about someone who can have conversations with cats on the street. cats dont like kankan but they say kocchan is the type of person like in the letter. she has been getting closer to kocchan's cat recently though!

konachi likes tsuzuri and kozue in ameagari street tsuzuri ♡ and how in ameagari street sayaka sayaka is smiling but kaho has a doyagao

kankan thinks deepness kozue takes place in the first half of the story, and they think its amazing how the number of kozue+tsuzuri cards are increasing

kankan also likes how kaho has her face in her hands in deepness sayaka lol

kankan wants a second years song while konachi wants a first years song. they think eien no euphoria suits the second years but not the first years

kankan nonsuke uichan and nassu went out the other day and kankan sang dododo with uichan and nassu. afterwards uichan said only mirapa can sing that song since its so different to what ceribou has lol

they say kocchan actually suits mirapa songs and want her to sing dododo or hakuchuu a la mode

(they also want shuffle units!!)

they found it funny that kozue called kaho and sayaka かすがい and the thumbnail that was used for ep 8 on the twitter lol

kankan falls asleep to videos of people having barbecues. konachi falls asleep to asmr videos of turtles eating watermelons

konachi doesnt think hasu could go camping together; it doesnt suit the second years. uichan can cook but shes very particular about her spices and such. but the first years could camp together

in ep 7, the one released just after ruri's first appearance in the main story, konachi starts it by herself by reading a letter from kankan which transitions into kankan reading it herself. konachi finishes it and says "alright! ill do my best on my own this time!" before kankan cuts in like "im actually here!!!!" and the radio background image changes to the usual mirapa one

the sehasu cooking episode surprised kankan because shes always heard konachi burns things shes frying and konachi said she got scolded for burning fried rice one time and has never tried it since but as they made a dessert it turned out fine ☆

kankan said everyone was laughing at how she peeled the dragon fruit but she doesnt understand because she doesnt know how youre meant to do it!!!

[probably being told by a producer] kankan: eh it seems youre meant to cut it with a knife konachi: ehh.. oh well!

even though dollche's cooking was such a mess they said it actually tasted good. konachi has been looking for the sweet potato butter they used

kankan's mom tried to make ceribou's dish but it was bad .

they received a letter in kansai-ben and talked about how you wouldnt expect uichan's from kansai. she seems to try her best not to let her kansai-ben slip out. nassu is from kyuushuu but doesnt seem to speak hakata-ben. konachi said she got interested in dialects once and tried to learn how to speak in some

they think the girls look good in light blue like the penguin ice outfits and their summer uniforms

"the number of tsuzukozu illustrations has increased"

konachi: there isnt a moment where fujishima megumi is not cute

"itd be nice if we streamed games someday"

ceribou = run, dollche = can, mirapa = fun

kankan would get ruri a pink bat from the batting centre

"what would you get megu-chan?" "permission to leave the [waiting] room"

kankan wants to join a circle for the grand prix but since her username is kankan its obvious its her lol

konachi realised on your mark (6 members) doesnt have any english but deepness (4 members) has a lot so maybe mirapa is holding them back...?

on haunted houses: kankan and konachi - dont like them; nonsuke - afraid of the dark; uichan - trustworthy!!; nassu - the type to not freak out; kocchan - probably not a big reaction even if she was scared

kankan made fun of nassu during the nama but she also hasnt gotten a LOVELIVE... shes also bad at turning off auto

the day before the exercise measurement sehasu kocchan practised all the tests

the genyou yakou/mirage voyage cards - sayaka's is the best of course. kankan also likes how kozue is looking at the sales even though shes an ojou-sama lol "its her commoner side"

besides staying together when they went to kanazawa hasu have never had a sleepover so they want to have a training camp! (kankan: beach; konachi: mountains)

"i want us to have a barbecue!" "we already had one?" "oh yeah"

they filmed all three sehasu vlogs on the same day! mirapa in the morning dollche in the afternoon ceribou on the evening. after they finished filming mirapa had mcdonalds

they made fun of nassu putting the camera on the floor during dollche's though since it made it look less like a vlog lol

"if tsuzuri played basketball everyone would fall in love with her" (about tsuzuri playing basketball in the sports festival)

cast at sports festival: nassu - team leader; nonsuke - cheerleader (like kaho) doing a soranbushi. they dont see the second years doing it -> afternoon tea festival (kozue would win)

the hasu audition was on the same day as konachi's third year either cultural festival or sports festival and so she skipped it to go to the audition

they like dollche's songs but theyre so hard they cant sing them at karaoke

"was there anything a cast member said to you that made you happy?" "when you said its easier to sing when im with you"

kankan likes when kocchan praises her during afureco or when uichan says her singing is stable. konachi just saying good morning to her makes her happy. she had a deep conversation with nonsuke on the train the other day and that made her happy

"we actually dont watch the story we watch it the same time as everyone else. so when its released we all watch it at once and get excited on LINE"

megu as an appliance would be a mic/camera -> laptop

splash!!!! kozue looks like a mom lol

nassu and sayaka both suit ponytails

"i want to dedicate my year as a twenty year old to megu-chan"

seishun no rinkaku is konachi's new favourite dollche song

kankan: since we became five or six we usually dont have a tsukkomi in the cast konachi: everyone's a boke right kankan: wait it was probably the same when there were four members

when it was four members sometimes kocchan would tsukkomi but now konachi (megu) has joined properly kankan was really happy since she loves konachi's tsukkomi

they didnt know that the qr code at the end of ep 10 was there until they saw people talking about it and hadnt actually scanned it for themselves. kankan didnt know how to read it so konachi told her how to do it and when she figured it out she Gasped

theyve both watched ep 10 multiple times and konachi cried

that day they ate sweets and konachi gave her the wrappers and when kankan took them to throw away everyone around them was like "kan-chan what are you doing?" and when kankan is in a room konachi will wait outside the door <- konachi's strange behaviour

dododo was recorded before the story so kankan didnt think it would be an emotional song but as the story came out and it made nonsuke cry she realises it is after all

when recording it they were told to sing it in a bright and a bit silly way instead of putting emotions into it (like ceribou) but konachi likes it like that. megu-chan would rather sing it in a cheerful way

the first time she recorded it kankan used up so much energy she had to lie down on the sofa lol

they loved tsuzuri's training camp radio. since there was no video you have to imagine whats happening

konachi sent kankan a sound file on LINE and kankan thought konachi had written a song since mirapa radio was ending (since kankan likes writing songs) but it was just a cut of kankan speaking in dialects from past radio episodes Lmao

after megumi sings 後押ししてくる in natsumeki pain sayaka gives ruri a little push towards megu, and after that when ruri sings 砂浜に書いた メッセージ 届け she writes LOVE

kankan didnt realise until konachi told her just now that during the line 早く気付いて #Love you! each of the girls (sayaka->kaho->ruri->megu->kozue->tsuzuri) writes one of the characters in "#Love♡"

since ruri was given the o kankan just thought she was drawing a circle lol

they received a letter about tongue twisters and kankan struggled in rehearsals with kokon touzai

natsumeki pain ruri has a chow chow strap on her waistband so kankan says she wants it to be released as goods

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[ruinikaidoexplodedbadly]

straight up scared theres something insanely physically wrong with me cuz i keep losing a little bit of weight for literally no reason like im not even disordered eating now im just like i walk a lot and probably eat less than the average guy but i literally havent been able to gain weight no matterhow much i try what if i have some terrible disease bruh Actually this usually happens around my period then im totally fine maybe its something to do with that. anime head bonk its ok guys im not dying of an unknown illness (I have severe medical anxiety)

[olkarrion]

tw : vent : mentions of weight loss/eating disorders (no specific numbers)

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ive struggled with an eating disorder since i was 12, a combination of dysphoria and bullying had me in and out if the hospital for 4 years. since then ive mostly got a handle on it, once i started working out more regularly and transitioning my body image got SO much better, and although id still have thoughts, i considered myself recovered.

at the beginning of this year i got sick, and after a few months of being ill and living in poverty i started to lose weight without trying. i didnt even realize it until i weighed mysef for the first time in months. i booked a GI appointment, but it isnt until mid February. so far ive had a pretty good handle on it, even though its really triggering having lost my appetite.

i went back to being ok for a while, but its started to happen again, the morning sickness, food aversion, nausea, and of course-weight loss. its fucking me up. im supposed to be recovered, but im having a lot of mixed feelings about everything. im not someone who loses weight easily, so its really hard for me to look at this as a bad thing instead of an opportunity.

anyway, ive been weighing myself every week to male sure i havent lost a significant amount in a too short period. it really is for my health, but at the same time, i still think about it, yknow?

im trying. and im talking to my therapist about it, so i haven't given in to the thoughts completely. still.

struggling with mental illness is complicated. adding a physical disability to that makes it a holy shit storm. if ur also struggling just know that im proud of you for being here. if yall ever need to talk my inbox is open xxx

[dontrunmyplates]

At 216.2, I wanna try n get down to 213 by the end of the month !! If its even lower, thatll be awesome :]] cant wait to be below 200 i think ill reward myself then because I havent been below 200 since some unfortunate events happened in my life + covid. Im losing the weight to be pretty again, to take my life back again, and I wont give up.

[anonanamia]

i feel like i'm gonna jinx myself by redownloading tumblr. i havent binged in months and ive been consistently under 800-900 calories a day sometimes a lot less but i go through phases of purposely trying to start restricting again and i always fail because its too intentional. this time it happened by accident because i had a major event in my life and i hit my hw (150lbs) and i accidentally stopped eating after that. i kinda had a mini binge today (1500) which i guess isnt that much but its very dissapointing because i havent had that much in 2-3 weeks. its because i went to my friends house and he asked if i wanted to go to the store to buy snacks to play zelda and i didnt want to be rude. that spiralled my whole day and i ended up having chicken alfredo pasta when i got home and i feel sick. why can't i have my anorexia back to how it was. i feel like i have been losing weight recently but idk because my parents took my scale away like 6 years ago and im no longer friends with the one other person that had one so i can only weigh myself when i go to my grandparents house. i'm turning 18 soon so i hope things get better by the summer so i can wear a bikini

[anothersuicidesunday]

Another week, another lonely struggle.

And we know i've found the whole experience so far to be extremely depressing in the lonliness of ways.

Where to begin...?

So week 26, 14 to go. I still have alot to do alot to be scared of.

Part One - Opinions Wont Keep You Warm At Night

I obviously have some female trauma as previously mentioned. So while for years I always knew if I had a baby boy he'd be named "Oliver Jensen" now my compromise when you add a father into the scenario became "Oliver Joseph" and that was okay but girls names I only ever considered Max. It wasnt a girls name and it didnt remind me of anything bad. It's what I could live with. Now this came up for discussion and I still hated everything so Max become Maxie because I do not like Maxine as a name and again Maxie I can live with. Middle names where a struggle i was even going to leave it blank but I decided fuck public opinion my guy is Gary Payton II and she can be "Maxie Payton" so thats the name. And I'm already sick of the court of public opinions on the subject.

My aunt made a maxi pad joke immediately.

My partners grandmother turnt her nose up and asked what the other opinions are as if it was going up for vote. Didnt like being told there were no other options.

My own grandmother true to form first got upset that my mother did a gender reveal in a family group chat. Then called the baby Maxine anyway and got pissed off when my mother corrected her and went on a tangent how we all name our children names we never intend to use and then couldnt accept that "maxine" is not going to be used at all, the birth certificate will say Maxie and be her legal name. And this was just another of her arguments for arguments sake cos at Christmas when she tried to look great in front of her friends she decided to announce she'd already brought soaps. And I said "thanks but I wish you'd have asked me because we've decided we would use a certain type of soap and lotion considering the skin conditions that run in the families." Which turnt into her losing her marbles about being ridiculous to wish that on your child (i certainly dont wish for it but i'd rather spend an extra few bucks on safe options than deal with an uncomfortable baby if they do happen to have sensitive skin.) And that my generation is ungrateful. So shes not speaking to me at all.

Which brings us to Part Two - the UNgrateful dead.

I'm definately grateful that people want to buy so much stuff for us. But sometimes it feels like you dont get to pick anything your child is going to have. Like people buy so much clothes that you feel like you cant buy anything that you like cos you have so many already or someone brought a baby bouncer that you feel like you now had to use even though you'd seen one you would have preferred. Or like my grandmothers argument over soap and feeling like you cant even have an opinion on goddamn soap! Its so overwhelming. Sometimes you really just want to say no thanks and get what you actually like but social convention bullies you into taking things and smiling through it. I get it you're excited but I used to be too before you all crushed my spirit.

Part Three: Give Me Novocaine

There's no 'one size fits all option' for pregnancy. But everyone still wants to tell you to do as they did and you'll be fine. It very clearly does not work that way and quite honestly my body and pregnancy just don't seem to gel. I've been sick since week 6. Its week 26 and I sometimes am still running off to vomit. So you get all the people who tell you what you should be doing instead as if you havent googled it yourself and tried the whole damn list. Some people just have to suffer through. There's no magic trick for them to fix it. Its absolutely okay to just say sorry it sucks for you without trying to demand your trick is the greatest trick of all tricks. I get alot of pains. Leg pains, back pains, hip pains, vaginal pains, ive never carried this much weight before pains. Again, i'm trying things to feel better, i walk around, do weird stretches, compression aids but you still have people who wanna tell you you're wrong and they are right and it grinds my fucking gears. Here's reality, if I walk around too much i get exhausted and sore, if I sit too much? Exhausted and sore. If i stretch something hurts. There's no winning in this game and I cry alot when I'm alone.

So the sickness thing improved, I've still never had a craving, i still dont have a good relationship with food all I know is that this baby in fact hates things.

Bread thats not white, bread crust, salad, cheesymite scrolls, anything deep fried.

Honestly quite alot of the things i normally would eat, plus the things doctors tell you not to eat. Its hard for me to eat these days and i have no passion for it now. So to face the high possibility to have gestational diabetes was crushingly devastating. To take even more food choices away from me is fucking hard.

So i'm completely alone again to feel defeated. No one gets it again. You just quietly go through the motions and it's hard fucking work. You're not supposed to sit in your scrappy nursery crying by yourself.

[blackvail22]

9/22/23 — 1:20am

i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!

im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯

im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????

anyways

im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand

im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.

im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....

im tired

i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return

2:51am

idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.

and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck

this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself

yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol

3:16am

ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"

i hope it doesnt come off weird

ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now

[when-did-this-become-difficult]

Yed thats exactly how i feel. If i havent put all this time into watching it, i would have left it behind already. Like a book that you start to read, figure out its shit and then you just grind your teeth and go through with it if you started already. Im only curious about Robert at this point - obviously, but im trying not freak you out because i know you hate him :D. I also curious if they wrap up something, if anything in this season, which i highly doubt. I feel the same thing about Mike driving around. That time could have been given to other characters, maybe they would have been interfering with the plot more actively than Mike. Also that - when i say something gets done it gets done, is starting to loose its weight. Also it is so nice that they spent so much time developing some kind of connection between Mike and Iris, and now they gonna abandon it for Bunnys cousin and Mike... I really can't figure out how this is gonna end.

@minamartin Yeah! Just overall, I feel like I want to finish, not that I want to find out what happens next, which is sad. I don't know what on earth they're doing with Bunny's cousin and Mike, especially since Mike's failing repeatedly to get Bunny any help at all, and Bunny's cousin appears significantly younger, and, idk, Evelyn is still RIGHT THERE...out of all his potential romantic/sexual interests, I think Evelyn is the best fit, even though I find Bunny's cousin charming. And I am sorta glad we don't see Iris right now because I'm sure she's just being miserably exploited, but also, I don't want to lose her entirely! I do want to know what they decide to do with her! Argh! Best of luck to all of us that are gonna stick through to the end.

[rudesheep]

guys fr how can i stop caring so much about my fathers opinion & prevent it from affecting my life

[viktormaru]

~ Here’s a bunch of Omen (and radiants) Headcanons of mine ~

This is kinda of spoilers for my fic im writing but whatever. I need to give some bg on how I think Radiants work in the Valorant universe. Also goes a little, just a toe tip, into nsfw zone. Feel free to ask abt anything else specifically PLEASE

THE VOID

I think there are multiple universes (canon) and in between them runs a plane which I’ve been calling The Void bcs i havent come up with a name yet. The First Light was energy from the void leaking into other planes and thus giving humans super powers.

The void is a plane of death that exists between AND within other planes. Everything inside it is dead but its also dormant energy

When a radiant calls on their powers what theyre doing is pulling energy from the void. It gets transformed when it goes through them and comes out as something else. Some people have been even blessed and trained enough that they can turn the energy into living things (Sage, Skye) though it seems the energy seems to want to take shapes of things it once was more than something new or unknown.

When energy leaks from the void it comes out as crystal, aka radianite. Thats raw energy, but because it wasn’t filtered through anything (or anyone) it is not as powerful as it could be, though still one hell of an energy source.

People could technically generate more power than radianite, but their puny human bodies wouldn’t sustain the damage.

Everything that lives comes from the void and everything that dies goes back to it. It’s the circle of life.

With that being said here comes

OMEN

When the first light happened, Omen at first didn’t show any powers. Until he started making this shiny dust out of nowhere. With time he realized he was indeed a radiant and that what he could do was pull raw energy from the void, and thus create radianite from thin air. An amazing thing. It was all fun and games until he realized he couldnt really control his powers. Slowly his fingers started crystalizing and soon he was coughing dust and stuff. He turned to Kingdom for both a profit and help.

Kingdom started doing experiments with him to create a machine that would pull radianite from the other side just like him, but the repeated tests only accelerated the process of slowly but surely killing him. Until and “accident” with the machine happened where it was turned on with him and cause his body to be broken down in a molecular level as it tried to pull itself together.

Omen’s power went from pulling raw energy to pulling dead energy, drawing nothing but shadows and oppressive feelings that came with death.

Omen’s body is like a mix of Alex Mercer (Prototype) and Deadpool (Marvel) to me. Deadpool in the sense that although it is dying and breaking apart at the seams, it is also trying to rebuild itself. And Mercer in the sense that Omen died, and all that was left was pure radianite, trying to pass for life to the point of gaining consciousness and trying to become the shape of the man it imprinted on.

Explaining that imprinted part, Omen can hear/see people’s memories after they die. It’s even better if they’re recently dead, but when a soul dies it travels back into the void, and his connection to the void makes it so that he can hear them.

Because of it, Omen’s memories are fragmented in more than one way. He barely knows any from his original body, but he collects others from dead people, and it gets kinda confusing sometimes telling where they belong.

For the same reason above, his body sometimes tries to become different people, though the changes are usually slow and subtle enough they still close to an average. Omen will sometimes gain or lose a few inches of weight or a few kilos of muscle or fat and sometimes even get different sex characteristics. It’s mostly involuntary from his part.

His skin texture goes from regular skin to a harder and smoother texture at times. It seems like his body is an almost translucent green/cyan that is constantly being swallowed by shadows. Kinda like his body was made of radianite (like when Sage revives someone) but the dead energy is trying to take over it. Some images that kinda show what i mean: (left is the crystal body, right is how i imagine the shadows look like “taking over”)

Omen’s body IS unstable and threatening to tear apart. To “forget” his real shape and scattered into nothingness. You can see him having full body twitches and shudders that get worse while he’s under distress. Those twitches and tears can be painful.

One way Omen has found that helps soothe his anxieties and keep his body held together is by literally applying pressure to his body into shape. Which is why he’s always wearing compression bandages and armor. He likes weighted blankets too because of it. (And in a way hugs, but he is too disgusted by himself to wish for those).

When Omen teleports, what he does is basically let his body scatter and then reform it somewhere else. Bits of him are scattered through the other plane while he does it and it’s how he travels longer distances. For shorter distances it’s easier. Still, he can only do it because his body IS trying to keep his “real” shape, so it remembers what it should come back to. Omen wears close fitted special (light carbon fiber) clothes and armor that hes familiar with so he can reform them as well.

When Omen is scattered he dies, he becomes just radianite again (thats why Skye “loses” him), which means he also doesnt feel anything when in that form. He however rebuilds himself and ta-da, back at it again.

(Fun fact, When Yoru ults he goes through that same death plane. The mask keeps him alive there. Omen would also die if he went fully there)

He could technically bring things and other people with him but there’s an immense risk of parts of the other thing/person being left behind or reformed wrong, so he doesnt so it.

His Paranoia skill is him extending that connection from the void into other people. Seeing death and the nothingness brings out the voices and with it, fear.

Sometimes the things there make him scared too. Not so much nowadays.

On the note of pain, his body’s constant changes will often make him feel pain in varying degrees. Sometimes it’s enough to keep him out of missions. Sometimes his body will change to something not too natural and it’s a trip to Sage with a medical leave. It’s always very intriguing but they have yet to find a solution other than trying to heal him and waiting for it to pass.

Omen’s face looks like that because it’s how he sees himself. It is however a bit of an illusion. Since his face is engulfed in shadows it is very hard to tell what you’re looking at even when glaring directly at it. Any light pointed at it just gets swallowed, reflecting nothing really back. The slits of light in his face are always shifting, just like his body and sometimes will take the form of a spiral or a circle or very strange slashes or even sometimes little eyes (like in the beta of the game).

Omen has a nose and a mouth, you just can’t really see it, but you can touch it, that is if he allows you, which he probably wont. In theory he could make his face look like a regular face, but even he is unaware of that.

Omen eats and drinks and does his duties just like any other person, though he’s gotten used to going long periods of time without eating. He doesnt like doing it in front of other people so he does it alone. He usually tastes food just fine though sometimes he loses that sense (sometimes he loses the sense of touch too)

Between the ever changing body, the fragmented memories and being able to hear the other plane, Omen’s attention span and memory for things is quite bad. Holding long conversations is hard and long mission meetings are even rougher. For that reasons he tends to avoid talking too much.

It’s no mystery Omen despises what he is. He doesn’t think of himself as a person and one of his main driving forces really is just taking revenge on all responsible for what he became. He knows its a self destructive path which is why he doesnt bother too much with emotional connections. Still, he’s not purposefully mean to those around him, and they certainly shows him a kindness he thinks he doesnt deserve, which is why hes mostly at peace around most other agents.

He doesn’t like loud sudden noises and avoids large gatherings bcs of it. It makes him lose focus and losing focus often means losing track of himself (mentally and even physically).

On the other hand he loves quiet repetitive tasks such as knitting. He has also learned how to sew and tried painting a few times. He likes solving puzzles too and will try baking in the future most likely. He loves routine too and has been seen taking care of Sage’s plants for her on more than one occasion.

He keeps journals and stuff to write down anything he can’t forget, from appointments and tasks to important bits about himself or his past.

He usually shows affection by just being around, doing his own thing, though, in privacy, he’d love to just touch and be touched by someone he cares for.

He has an alright libido, that’d probably get stronger if he did start getting physical with someone, though his self image issues would usually lead to him trying to just please his partner while he stayed fully covered.

Thats all i can think rn tbh hope u enjoyed the read, again, if u have any hcs u wanna send me or have any questions hit me up! I love talking abt it

[megamultifandomtrashposts]

Encanto in Pokémon

This is my interpretation on what the Madrigal Family's Pokémon Teams would be, Abuela Alma, Bruno, Pepa, Delores, Camilo, Antonio, Julieta, Isabela, Luisa and Mirabel. As we don't know much about Félix or Agustín, I don't have teams for them (that and I can only post 10 pictures on here) Spoilers for Encanto under the cut

Abuela Alma Madrigal

A long time ago, when Alma and Pedro tried to escape their village, a small Litwick joined their journey, settling in between Alma's children. However, when Pedro was unfortunately taken from them, the Litwick shone brighter, its flames burning higher and blessing Alma and her family, creating their Casita. After the Encanto had been created, a trio of butterfly Pokémon kept close to Alma, one to represent one of her children. After the events of Encanto, losing the miracle and Casita...unfortunately, Chandelure's flames died out, and Alma lost her closest friend. Butterfree, Beautifly and Vivilion knew it hurt, and helped as much as she could.

Pepa Madrigal

Once blessed with her gift, Castform attached itself to Pepa's side. it floated around her always, changing to represent Pepa's changing moods. Alma, seeing her daughter's sadness at not being able to controll her emotions, found Pelipper and Torkoal with weather changing abilities to help regulate the weather around Pepa. When Pepa was sad, Torkoal would clear the day, if Pepa was unable to bring rain to hot days, Pelipper would bring said rain.

Julieta Madrigal

When Julieta received her gift, Julieta found it hard to help everyone in the Encanto by herself. Yes, she was able to cook everything that people needed, but at such a young age, she couldn't go out to give her treats to the people. She happened across Chansey who shared her love for helping others and caring for them. Audino came to her, unable to ignore the sounds of physical pain, and lead Julieta to those in pain. She a Jigglypuff at a young age, and the round Pokémon loved to help comfort those in pain. It evolved when a full moon descended on the Encanto.

Bruno Madrigal

Being able to see the future, Bruno felt like the world was on his shoulders, seeing the future was a heavy weight to bear. Xatu appeared soon after, being able to see the future itself, Xatu knew it had to stay by Bruno's side. After the events of Mirabel's Gift Ceremony, and when Bruno escaped to the walls of Casita, he befriended the Rattata that lived alongside them.

Delores Madrigal

When Delores acquired her gift, she found it difficult to block out all the voices. She was too young, Pepa and Félix found a Noibat to help her. Due to Noibat's ability to control soundwaves, it helped with keeping the noise out of her ears. Azumaril was in the same position as Delores, unable to block out all of the voices. Delores felt sympathy for the Pokémon and took it in, having her now Noivern help block out the sounds. When Delores took up dancing, she was fascinated by a group of Baile Style Oricorio. She learned how to dance from them. One grew attached to Delores, and stayed by her side.

Camilo Madrigal

Being new to his gift, Camilo was unable to control his abilities. Pepa and Félix went around to try and find Pokémon to help him. Camilo's parents found Ditto first, to help him choose what to change into. When they realised that Camilo copied his Ditto's face mannerisms, Pepa and Félix found Camilo a Zoroua who was able to more easily help him master his Gift. Kecleon found itself in the Madrigal house and attached itself to Camilo, the two of them bonding over their abilities.

Antonio Madrigal

Antonio only recently got his gift. As such, his Pokémon havent evolved yet. When Casita gave him his door, Chatot and Meowth were the first Pokémon to greet him and helped him discover his abilities to talk to Pokémon. After the events of Encanto, Antonio didn't want his family to go through that stress again. He saw what happend to Casita when emitons ran wild, and saught out a Pokémon to help the family and came across Ralts. He hops to evolve him into a Gardivior in the future.

Isabela Madrigal

When Isabela got her gift, a Flabébé and Budew started following her around. She nurtured those Pokémon as she did her flowers, making sure that the two became two gorgeous Pokémon that her family could be proud of. After her time with Mirabel and gaining more confidence in herself and her Gift, she found Maractus and took her in, much to the surprise of her family, but they grew to love Maractus.

Luisa Madrigal

Much like Isabela, when Luisa got her gift, a Machop and Makuhita gravitated towards her. And, just like Isabela, she trained her Pokémon to be the strongest Fighting Types in Encanto. They help her with her chores, Machamp's four arms are very helpful in rounding up the donkeys. As Casita was being rebuilt, found Sobble among the rubble and took it in. For the two of them, there's nothing better than sitting in Luisa's room and crying let it all out.

Mirabel Madrigal

Last but not least, Mirabel. After her failed Gift Ceremony, Mirabel locked herself in the nursery, not wanting to leave and face her family. As she hid under her bed, Eevee snuck through the window, and comforted the young girl. Mirabel took Eevee in and the two became best friends. When Mirabel was old enough to learn to sew, she taught out Leavanny to help her, who happily accepted and joined her team. The final Pokémon to join Mirabel was Litwick. After Casita was rebuilt, Mirabel put the doorknob in and reignited the miracle, giving birth to another Litwick to help carry on the miracle that Alma was blessed with all those years ago.

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead.