#i haven't felt okay in YEARS
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#i miss 2019#someone take me back#what the fuck is my life now#i haven't felt okay in YEARS#this isn't life.#it's crazy how i spent most of my teen years depressed and struggling with so much shit and it honestly isn't better now#(i wasn't okay in 2019. things were just a bit easier)#i don't remember the last time i woke and felt something other than all this self-hatred#it's unbearable.
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everyone coming out to say that they lied or were lied to :) we've known this from the start, it was obvious with a little thought but now it feels great to have confirmation, y'know?
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Me, a thing who just finished Gravity falls and has gained a hyperfixation on it to the levels of undertale:
Me, a thing who knows stan pines more than any fictional character lmfao:
Jokingly gets called Stan, and calls self Stan
VERY INTENSE GENDER EUPHORIA
Trembling this is terrifying what the fuck *head in hands*
#Gravity falls#Transgender#Nonbinary#Gender euphoria#trans nonbinary#transblr#trans positivity#transgender pride#trans masc#Okay but genuinely#I haven't felt such gender euphoria since the few times my friend called me undyne as a joke#Like#Oh my god#Is my name meant to be Stan???/hj#Half joking because ngl contemplating renaming myself Stanley (Stan for short because on God makes me so happy)#At least with friends.#School I'm staying as Finnley. It was already pain enough to get them to call me that let alone changing it again 💀#Luckily all my teacher are super supportive. Idk if they know I'm trans but I know at least my reading teacher#Has figured it out even though I haven't directly told her.#Honestly I only ever had one teach I told#Only cuz she asked and I knew she would be supportive. She knew I was a lesbian the year before so#Anyway back to gender euphoria teehee
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potentially batshit headcanon, but i think it'd be funny if these two were related somehow.
#i'm inclined to say they're cousins but it'd also be interesting if they were siblings ngl#gustafa hasn't really brought up his own upbringing so far in my playthrough so i'm running hogwild w/ his backstory#i hc that gustafa's parents were classical musicians and pretty strict (very much the types to force what they think is best on their kids)#he felt like the environment was too stifling not only for his music but also his spirit so he left home as soon as he could#he's still proud about his family's history as musicians but definitely doesn't want to raise his kids like his parents raised him#so that's why he's pretty laid back when it comes to raising bea and encourages whatever she loves doing no matter what#wait now that i think about it carter organizes the music festival in mineral town doesn't he?#shit i'm connecting the dots#carter would probably be older than gustafa so i guess he left home as soon as possible too#he just went the route of joining the clergy to get out of town rather than becoming a hippie like gus#imagine going to the next town over to check out their music festival only to be reunited w/ your estranged older bro >>>#you haven't spoken to in like 10+ years#i feel like they'd be okay terms tho they'd definitely bond over how shitty their parents were#okay i'm having fun w/ this headcanon i'm gonna keep it i think#story of seasons#bokujou monogatari#a wonderful life#friends of mineral town#sos awl#sos fomt#sos gustafa#gustafa (awl)#sos carter#carter (fomt)#hc : (sos) awl / fomt#mj.txt
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#okay I'm gonna get a bit personal here lmao#so i used to have a childhood best friend whom I've known basically since he was born lmao (he's 4 years younger)#he's always been like a little brother to me and we used to be inseparable until like 11 years ago#and then the friendship stopped sooo abruptly basically from one day to another#and i literally have no idea to this day why#i mean idk at that point those 4 years were a BIG gap me being 15 and him 11#but I'm not sure if that was it or if his parents didn't like it or some completely different reason#we're actually neighbors and it's crazy to me that we haven't had any in person interaction since then#we say hello if we see each other and wish each other a happy birthday online but that's it#and today me and my dad went over to the neighbors because..#(well I'm not gonna elaborate here because there was some police action in the neighborhood and i felt like i was in an action movie#and that's what brought the neighbors together whatever it's a long story)#and he was there and i realized i miss him lmao#i mean I've always missed him i never stopped missing our friendship#and i really really wanna reach out and say “hey you wanna grab coffee some time?” and just catch up#but I'm scared lol#like what if he says no#what if he doesn't wanna do anything with me#idk the rejection would feel awful a second time#am i being irrational here am i overthinking#maaaan idk#i never share anything too personal here so this feels weird lol#personal
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thinking really hard about logging into my old tumblr acc after being gone for like a year and a half cause i stumbled upon a post that led me to my old mutuals and i teared up a lil </3 but also i feel so ashamed i left without saying a word to anyone aaaa
#like i genuinely feel so bad for simply disappearing from people's lives :c#i used to talk to some of them daily and like even had plans to see one of them on holiday to another country?? like that level of close#and then well my mental health went to shit i took a semester off uni and disappeared from my irl friends' lives too for a good 6 months#some of my mutuals had my ig and we followed each other but i also haven't really been there much since dissappearing last year so#but i just snooped into some of their accounts and seeeing what they're up to made me want to talk to them sooo bad#everyone was so cool and kind and i miss them so much it's just i feel so guilty and also don't even know if i'm able to mantain constant#contact and conversations with people now. like it's been even hard for me to stay in touch with my irl friends aaa#why must my brain hate me so much and not let me socialize !! i used to be such an extroverted person what the fuck happened!!#i know some of them messaged me worried and i felt so guilty for not responding but i saw those dms when i was very much deppressed#so i never answered and now i feel like it's too late GOD!!#anyways at least it was nice snooping and seeing how they're doing i genuinely wish them only good things they're fucking great#maybe i just need to suck it up and just go back and talk to people again but i get so overwhelmed just thinking about it!!#okay it's like 4 am i'm posting this and maybe deleting it in the morning sorry for the rant i just am feeling a lot !!
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my chosen munday post is just sharing games i like, another way to learn about me. it's sort of in semi-order? but is mostly kind of just based on vibes, influences on me as person, etc. rather than any objective measure of quality. i was talking to friends about our top 10 games recently so it made me think about doing this list over again. if anyone is curious, some notes:
jade empire - not a perfect game but i love it. objectively, it's a generic wuxia but it's my first generic wuxia ( as well as my introduction to bioware in general ) so i don't really care! an oldie but a goodie. summah's first rpg ( not counting ffviii b/c while i played it first, i watched my brother play it for years so it wasn't 'new' ).
jsrf is nostalgic. i watched my big bro play over and over again before playing myself. it formed my love of graffiti and street art; its message that art is not a crime has stayed with me to this day. also has a killer ost. HELLO ALLISON.
alan wake ii is art. is it perfect? no but art isn't perfect; it's such a great iteration on every unique and weird idea that remedy has ever tried across all of their games. i'm so happy for sam and team for finally getting the flowers they deserve ( seriously, if you didn't smile at finnish king, sam lake, dancing at TGAs you have no heart! ). also don't ask me what alan wake is about unless you want a crazed essay in your dms, thank you.
max payne 2 - i can already hear that sweet, depressing main theme. another 'watching my brother play and then playing myself' classic. the noir style. the purple prose writing of max... it's just all too immaculate. i'm incredibly excited for the remakes but i'm also sadden that james mccaffrey won't be giving his voice to max again and hope people still seek out the original.
i cheated by adding the reignited trilogy on here ( last time i only had year of the dragon ) but after doing a quick replay of the remaster of 3, it reminded me of how much love and charm was poured into this remaster. it's such a good vibe - headbutting into walls has never felt so right.
yakuza 0 is peak - it's what you should start with when getting into the series. kiwami 2 was on last time but didn't make the cut; it's story is awesome.
p3r is a hard recency bias but! i had p5r on my list last time and i genuinely think 3 is a vasty better game so it felt weird not to replace it.
the only two games on here that i haven't played but i've watched countless playthroughs of: tomb raider 3 and silent hill. tank controls in classic TR destroy me but watching my brother and uncle play and seeing lara get crushed by boulders is a core visual in my memory. with sh1, i'm just a baby and don't play horror games but i enjoy the general weirdness of that game compared to its sequels.
feel free to do this yourselves :)
#i haven't done anything for munday in years but felt inspired to post this#there is a theme here that 1). watching my big bro play games formed a lot of my taste. but my brother is awesome so i'm okay with that#and 2). i like messy games that are more than the sum of their parts i guess#didn't write about each game b/c some of it is just 'i like this game as a kid' or i just think its an excellent and/or fun#but if there's one i didn't speak on that you would like to hear my thoughts on; feel free to ask#☽ ⋮ ✫ ━ ❛ take your time⋮ ooc.
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy 🙄#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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wip
yup. it's a hound. in this blog. do you know i draw hound? because i do. in case you never knew that.
#gosh they are hard to draw#i mean probably harder to draw than some warframes wtf#especially dragonhound and velahound#did i get myself into some of the hardest to draw characters when i started this drawing thingy?#maybe my skill just haven't grown much at all idk#or im just half-assing all the warframes i've drawn. if i actually need to draw them properly down to the little bumps and details-#-i would end up copying a screenshot because that is way easier to do and my brain can't handle too much geometry anyways#maybe after i developed a way to draw houndy i just don't change much of that at all later on#and now i draw houndy like how i did a year ago#like literally#okay now im looking at my art from a year ago#idk how but i kinda draw them cuter now#(which is good i guess but i don't actually specifically aim and strive for this direction so hmmmmmm)#also the proportion is a little bit better now#like i can actually see what went wrong in those art. that's what i call progress#because i stared at them for like a week after i drew them and felt completely normal and didn't think anything went wrong#so that's a difference#okay that's all the ramble today i just haven't drawn them three properly for too long and idk what to think about this#oh well#my art#ramble
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"I wouldn't do that if you aren't a ghost" well too bad I'm not a coward. I am currently standing outside and letting the snow fall gently around me. The beautiful sight of the snow falling, the sound of it hitting my hood but also the peaceful silence of the world around me, it is all wonderful and I am enjoying it all.
#literLly my thumbsbare old but itms okau#Okay I'm standing under a ledge now so I can type better#Undertale#napstablook#Undertale alarm clock dialogue#I'm still on tumblr because I haven't figured out how to get people to say the things in real life the same way they say things on tumblr.#like you never hear someone irl say I stood outside in the snow and felt like a child again for the first time in years#I opened my mouth and immediately a couple snowflakes landed on my tongue. It was the freshest water I've ever tasted#a few snowflakes also landed on my eyelashes and I giggled as I blinked them away. I thought about how complicated the world is despite#the existence of such simple pleasures as standing outside in a warm outfit in precipitation. Knowing you have a warm place to return to#the luxury of a heated home and warm clothing. If everyone experienced this would the world be a better place?#were there people before me that experienced the beauty of snow falling and the sound of it hitting their hoods and yet they still went on#to make poor choices and commit atrocities against others and hurt them? Why?#Humanity has come so far as to allow people to not worry about a snow storm killing them but rather to relish in the fact that they get to#witness it and experience the joy of playing the snow. Everyone should experience that. ...oh... i'm rambling again... sorry...
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Books of 2023: DAEMON VOICES: ON STORIES AND STORYTELLING by Philip Pullman feat. the current knitting project!
Since I have both set aside my current revision project and successfully completed a beta read for a friend, I'm trying to catch up on knitting and reading! Said friend actually got me this book for last Christmas, and I've been waiting until I was between (writing) projects to start it.
#books#books of 2023#daemon voices#philip pullman#i....don't actually love philip pullman lol#golden compass did not make a huge mark on me as a small and i haven't felt compelled to seek out anything else by him#but i also don't say no to gifted or otherwise free books lmao and i'm always interested in hearing what writers say about writing/stories#this is a deceptively chunky book also so i'll be chipping at it for a while probably#(and it's disconnected essays so that's okay to do)#but i'm enjoying my fiction read a lot rn and i need to do a bunch of knitting so....this one might fall off the radar intermittently#i'm not mad about it XD#my friend seems to be enjoying it so i'll give it a go!!#we read a george saunders nonfic last year together and i got a lot more out of that than i was expecting going in#fingers crossed for same thing here
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so many things happening in my life in the next couple months and it feels like my life is turning around compared to how I felt this time last year which was complete and utter dread and burn out in every sense of the word
#ME WHEN I GIVE MYSELF MORE SPACE AND TIME TO HEAL AND BE OKAY AFTER A SCHOOL YEAR#there are several factors as to why i don't feel like the human-ish equivalent of the swamp monster#mostly though it's because I'm going into homeschooling so the overwhelming fear of the next school year and all the expectations and#running around and will i get a good teacher and do i have to change my schedule and oh god am i gonna be able to get my 504 in check and#are my teachers even going to follow it and all of that isn't present#I'm gonna meet my teacher here soon and i she's a special ed teacher and i won't have to run between classes#or worry about my principal suddenly making a rule that we can't go to the bathrooms during class hours#and everything else that comes with going to school i did#and also the reason i don't feel like shit is i haven't done much this summer!!! literally everything was fighting for my time and attention#last summer and i felt like i barely had a moment to breathe#one moment I'm in Tennessee with my aunt and the next I'm back in Oklahoma running a convention#and then less than a week later I'm at counselor in training camp for two weeks (would've been three but i got sick due to overworking#myself while at the camp)#and then as soon as all of that was done i had only about a week before school started again#this year i only went to one convention instead of working at one and I'm going to two camps#one was at the start which was a day camp that i work at#and the second one is like next weekend (not this one but the next) and it's an overnight but again only a weekend instead of two weeks#and I'm a camper at that second camp since it's meant for lgbtq+ teens :3#and that's it!!!!#then i have school and in October i have the dan and phil terrible influence tour in Colorado#which means i get to visit my aunt and uncle and my cousin#and i have my nurse gerard costume for halloween#and then at the end of January i have my first furry convention which I'm making a fursuit for currently!!!!!
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EVERYONE SHUT UP I STARTED DR WHO
#i know I'm like a hundred years late#superwhorlock anyone?#no?#okay#dr who#I'm feeling things i haven't felt for a long time#the british sexy man thing is back#for me i mean
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god please does it get easier when you're not in your 20s
#i feel like i haven't felt secure in anything since i was like 11 years old#it's just turbulence all the time#trying to figure out what will be next in life#i just have so much fear that i won't be able to have my needs met in my adult life#i won't be okay#idk i'm so scared all the sudden
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okay but I am genuinely so unwell about numbers and dates and ages and time and years etc. so I'm blaming all my bad luck on the number 23
#got so paranoid about it that i didn't talk to anyone for the last few weeks and i haven't applied for a job and i'm honestly not doing#anything until i'm safely 24#idk what 24's gonna be like but it's got a 4 in it so that's a good sign#but then again 14 had a 4 in it and that was a terrible age#but tbf it was a 4 + a 10 which is like. my fav number and my least fav number. so the year just malfunctioned#first 6 months good second 6 months bad#so 24 can fit two 10s but they're not as obvious. but it's a multiple of 4 so i trust it a bit more#4 x 6. idk my feelings on 6 but it's never really done anything too bad to me so yeah. 24 is the safe zone#i blame everything on the number 23 and also my friend's awful ex girlfriend#OKAY SO LIKE i was reading coronation street youtube comments the other day#and people were talking about how characters like terry duckworth and mike baldwin were kind of prats before but then they#had some significantly bad experience and after that they became Absolute prats#like basically what caused their villain origin stories#and i was like oh my god am i gonna turn out like them?? is my friend's ex girlfriend responsible for my villain arc??#and i have felt myself becoming more negative and unhappy and cynical and bitter over the past few months#and i was like fuckkkkkk no i can't enter my mike baldwin terry duckworth era#bc before whenever a remotely bad thing happened i would just disappear and go back to telling myself there is nothing good with the world#so like for every job i never got and for every time i put something in the group chat and no one replied and every time i made something#and no one cared about it i would just sink deeper into some hole of hatred at the world#i mean. the rsd. like I'd still react to stuff in that way when i was younger and happier but at least back then I'd also#wave at cool clouds and smile at people in public and be like ''fuck i woke up too early and now i Have to take a photo of the sunrise''#but now i don't do any of that I'm just some bitter cynical bitch who hates everything#so yeah. my 2024 resolution was to reclaim the whimsy i lost at the end of 2022. and so far it's not really going well but at least I'm not#23 anymore#ramble
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your first love hits different
#another day another vent-in-the-tags post#i came across a picture of me and my fiest boyfriend of five years today. picture must've been 10 years old at this point#found many more pictures of him and us on my dad's old pc#i can just feel my body pull and heart ache when i look at him in the pictures#wondering what my life would've looked like if i hadn't broken things off between us#we tried to stay friends and a couple of months later we went for a drink. when daying goodbye he moved in to kiss me#i was hesitant and stepped away. he couldn't bare having me in his life while not being together so he cut off all contact#don't get me wrong in any of my thoughts- i love babe whole heartedly and he's the only man for me now and in my future#it's just that nagging feeling burried deep. the 'what if's. what if i felt more confident about my body back then?#what if i hadn't moved on so quickly? what if i had let him kiss me?#i tried texting him telling him i was approved for gbp surgery (i broke things off because i was very insecure about my body)#he congratulated me and sincerely wished me all the happiness in the world but also asked me not to contact him again after this#it's been 7-ish years but every now and then i wonder how he's doing and what he's up to#he doesn't really have social media apart from facebook (and that page is private) and i only stayed in touch with his former best friend#but i'm not gonna ask him because i know they haven't spoken in years either#i've had plenty more relationships after him but i rarely ever think about those guys#am i okay? is this normal? lol#i should get my head out of this rabbit hole asap#add: the picture is almost 15 years old lol. my math ain't mathing. we met in 2009. not that it's important#i think i just moved on too quickly and didn't allow myself time & space to grieve. that's why he keeps popping up in my thoughts now & then
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