#i haven't even started that series beyond a scene or two in notes

[dyrewrites]

I feel so much better today that I want to stay up and write...but I should probably sleep, since I haven't been getting too much of that. >.>

Maybe a little writing. As a treat?

A scene or two...and introduction perhaps.

[deafsignifcantother]

if music be the food of love, chapter 7

♥ here you go lovies, it’s series time | chapter one, chapter two, chapter three, chapter four, chapter five, chapter six, chapter eight ♥ summary: some crazy shit happens and she loses her mind and goes to people for advice who say drastically different things so she has to decide for herself what to feel. ♥ relationships: aroace Alastor x deaf female reader (queerplatonic to romance) ♥ word count: 3.3k ♥ pinterest board ♥ notes: she's on artfight, "compassion literally means “to suffer together.”", Alastor is only in this for one scene ♥ no tag list rn :3

Alastor leans against the kitchen's countertop, his ankles crossed, his hand covering his lips in thought. He's staring down at a notebook, his hand-made cookbook, seeming to be flipping through the pages and searching through it, looking for something in particular. You don't know why he wants you to sit with him through it.

He scans the pages for a moment before his smile grows.

You wave to get his attention. “What are you making now? Something new?”

You don’t try to glance at his cookbook for the answer, but he still moves the cookbook further away before responding.

"Yes, I suppose it is something new."

Which doesn't fulfill your attempts at conversation.

"Were you a cook and a radio host, or is it just a passion?"

He chuckles, looking away from the cookbook to spare a glance. He keeps an elbow on the pages to prop it open. From that angle, you can't see the blank pages.

“Oh, well, it certainly wasn’t my job back when I was alive. It's a passion, and it has been for a long time.” He closes the cookbook and sits it down on the countertop.

“Believe you need any help?”

You pray he'd say no.

"You'd like to help me, darling? Well, feel free to, if you'd like."

If you'd like. If you'd like. If you'd like.

It's not a yes or a no.

But he adds on. "You've always had people cook for you, haven't you, love?"

When you were alive, you had servants to do that for you, and the amount of food would take up an entire table, even if it went uneaten. Having a home-styled meal for two was beyond your comprehension before you met Alastor.

“The more the decades go by the more embarrassing that gets.”

"Oh, trust me, darling, I find it quite endearing."

“What does that mean?” The tension in your face surprises you. You are scowling; you haven't scowled at Alastor before. He doesn't seem to mind. You're not ready to let Zestial's advice go. You wanted to keep the words to yourself. If an expert like Alastor caught on to the fact that you both were talking about him, in a desperate way as well, he'd chase for the context in a heartbeat.

All he does is stare at you with untroubled eyes and open the drawer next to you, revealing herbs and spices you couldn't even name. "It means you've probably never seen anything like these before?"

“A drawer?” You sign. The smile on his face humbles you; his eyes are so gentle when he looks at you, even when he's looking down at you. “You really keep spices in a drawer?”

"I'm afraid most people do."

You reach and open the drawer on the other side of you. Cutlery all lined up. After the initial surprise that the ladles and whisks are not held in a vase, you smile a bit. You look up at him. “Are you the one keeping these organized?”

"You caught me."

"How long have you been cooking here?"

He tilts his head upwards. You notice his stillness. He still needs to move to start cooking or even face the stove. He's standing, his body facing you, giving you his full attention. "Only once. Just the other day, if I remember correctly. Cooking you breakfast was the first time I stepped in here."

He turns to the side, just staring at himself in the refrigerator's reflection while straightening his bowtie. You think about the time he's done it in a high-stress situation, where he's found himself a reflective surface to stare at himself in. His fingers will find somewhere to go, usually his outfit, finding a way to distract himself and remove himself from whatever confrontation he finds himself in. It gives you time to think of a response.

His eyes reach you before he turns his head.

“Fascinating.” You lean back with a smile. “I must be quite special then.”

"Oh, you cheeky girl. Do you really think that you're that special?”

The way he rests his hip on the counter, his shoulders relaxed, and his benign smile twists your head into a fantasy.

"I certainly do. Wouldn't you agree?"

His eyes look over you closely and intently before lifting his hands. "Oh, darling, you're quite special to me, I can say that much, at least. You know why, love?"

“Why?” You muse, placing your hands on your knees, trying not to have your playful smile grow into a flirtatious one.

He chuckles softly again at your response, your eyes endearing, the music from your heart making his beat faster. You're giving him the most childish smile he's seen from any overlord on this side of the pentagram. You're so precious that he just wants to put his hands on either side of your head and squish it until it implodes. He'd give anything to have the chance to tear you open and crawl inside you forever.

"Oh, darling, the answer is quite simple really. You're special to me because I happen to love you quite a lot."

Your breath stops in your throat; you're sure it makes an audible sound. Your body is still. You always thought that in a moment like this, your hands would clench my dress, your jaw would tighten, and your eyes would widen. But none of that happened. Your body is still, too motionless to reply. This must be a test. Are you supposed to laugh it off?

This reaction is enough to amuse him. Would any cover-up even work?

After a few beats of silence, your stiff hands lift. “That’s quite delightful to hear from somebody like you.”

He hums in approval, his smirk only widening as he looks at every detail of your face. He catches the way that your pupils seem to stop and freeze completely, like a statue, until you release the breath you were holding and lighten up. He saw how those words seemed to catch you off-guard, how they shocked you.

He watches you intently for a few beats, no response coming from him.

Silence.

Are you supposed to break it? It reminds you of those old interrogation tactics, and damn do they work. Your fingers twitch, but I quickly decide against saying anything, wanting a witty response from him to end the tension.

It is delightful for him to see you struggling like this.

He enjoys how easily he can fluster you and how you melt at his every ounce of affection. Hare help but smile a bit in amusement as he watched the uncertainty on your face.

“Focus on your cooking.” You sign, smiling wide, trying to control your face to stop your eyes from watering. “You haven't even started.”

He glances behind him, only with his neck, while his body refuses to move away from you. "Oh, really? I suppose you're right!"

“I can just leave if it’ll make the meal finish quicker,” you say without moving to stand. A wave of nausea reaches you, one that makes your stomach turn and your skull ache. You want to pull at your hair from the strands and scream.

"Well, if you think it'll help the cooking process go by quicker, then by all means, leave."

That's all you need to see. Alaster's eyes barely graze yours, but his smile remains as wide as ever. With a curtsey, you say a goodbye, “It better be the best meal I’ve ever had.”

The walk from the kitchen to the bar lasts for miles. In that (actually very short) time, your vulnerability formed into anger. How dare he mess with you like that. Who does he think he is, bringing you here just to disorder your life? He's been gone for an eternity, and now he trots back to give you a second death.

“Husk.” He's never seen you walk faster. It's almost a jog. What scares him most is how you addressed him using your voice.

You go back to signing. “Alastor is fucking with me and I’m on the verge of strangling him alive.”

He raises an eyebrow, a little concerned at the look in your eyes but also amused at how irked you look. He chuckles a little and pours some whiskey into a glass, taking his time before putting it down and signing.

"I didn't think I'd see the day you'd actually threaten him- what did he do?" For a second, his fingers linger on the word 'now,' but there isn't a moment in his memory where Alastor has done you wrong.

He glances behind you, and you see nothing when you follow his gaze. You even do a double-take just to make sure.

“He told me he loved me.” You slam your hand on the counter for emphasis, eyebrows raised and smile crooked. “Can you believe that?”

He takes a long sip of his drink and looks at you. Then, he laughs. It's a short one that only bounces his shoulders for a few seconds.

"Don't worry, I seriously doubt he really means it. That guy is about as loving as a cactus. It's all just part of his obnoxious theatre routine."

“Exactly, he’s just trying to see my reaction and I gave him what he wanted by freezing up. This is so embarrassing.” Your hands dig into your hair before you tug on it, trying to pull the headache from your skull.

"Relax, birdy. You're not the first person Alastor's done this to. Just ignore him and he'll eventually get bored and move on to something else."

I want everything but that.

This is the worst advice you've ever received. Husk sees only the worst in Alastor and knows him only for his lies and brutalities. But there's one thing the two of you have in common.

"You know he'd never leave me alone."

"Like a fucking limpet."

"A what?"

He stares down at his own hand, the suckling motion he was doing. He waves it off. "Nothing."

“Husk, be real please, I don’t know what to do.” Opening up to the bartender is something he's used to people doing. This is the first time he's seen an overlord crumble before him.

"Why the fuck you asking me?"

"I don't have anyone else who knows sign language!"

With the frizziness of your hair and the screeches of your music, his ears begin to droop.

You just continue, your eyes too focused on scanning behind you to notice the changes in Husk's body language. “Zestial said he’s playing me. Do you think that’s true?”

He growls at you and then covers his mouth. You press a hand to your speaker. Thump,thump,thump. It beats in fast dances.

Your hand forms a fist. "I'm sorry."

"How the fuck do you know Zestial?"

"Nevermind, forget it." The red dress drags behind you when you rush to the door.

People scratch out their ears. They attack each other, claws and teeth ripping through flesh down to their organs. Cars crash into buildings, lighting fires and igniting anybody close enough. You stomp down the street, dress flowing behind you like the goddess Hathor. The noise pierces Vox's cameras, all turning off one by one when you walk by. Carmilla holds her daughter's hands and goes behind closed doors when she hears the noise getting louder and louder. Zestial continues sipping his tea, holding a book in his hand, waiting for you; he has since you left. Alaster hasn't let you out alone since he dragged you here, but now you've found yourself plodding through Pentagram City. Your eyes remain locked ahead, uncaring rather than avoiding.

You even scowl when you ride up the elevator. You face the wall, arms crossed and shoulders high. Zestial's quarters in this building are tucked away; the moment the door is opened, one is greeted with a pitch-black tone. You were only hoping he was sitting in here, and you were right. As if he was waiting for you. A long table sits in the middle of his room, and he sits on one side, a book in his hand. The chair across from him is tucked in neatly.

You put your hand on the back of that chair, yank it out, and sit down, scooting in urgently. He doesn't look up at you until he sees you lift your hands. “Zestial, curse you for bringing negative thoughts into my head. I believe you were right.”

He looks up from his book, and a smile quickly forms on his face as he recognizes your frustrated expression. He closes the novel and places it to the side.

"Ah, little one, what a pleasant surprise. I take it thou has encountered some sort of dilemma since we last spoke? Hast the demon done something indelible?"

“Terribly accurate, I’m afraid. I’ve left the hotel in a haste after the dilemma. Do you want to guess what Alastor said to me?” You lean forward, eyes wide with indignation towards the name. “Guess what he said.”

He leans back in his seat. His ample amount of eyes all focus on your face, grasping at each curve, logging into his memory your emotional distress. "Thou art angered by whatever Alastor said. Allow me to hazard a guess... Mayhaps he said something to tease thee, or made a clever remark that thou did not appreciate?"

“He told me he loved me. He said that word, that specific word.” A wave of static howls from your speaker so loud that he has to clench his fists to withhold a noticeable flinch. You hardly notice.

But then he holds out his hand, palm facing you, a slight motion telling you to calm down. It's not a command; it's something gentle. Your eyes stay on his hand; he doesn't move it for as long as you need. Your pupils trail over the sharp points on his long fingers; they even sway a bit, capturing your attention further.

You sigh, put two fingers on your neck, and feel your pulse without the rhythm of your music. You nod to yourself. “I must get out of that hotel. Though forged with isolation, I’ve found my personal chambers much more appealing recently.”

"I see his confession has not brought the reaction he'd hoped for. It seems to have pushed thee further away."

“He was using it to tease me.” But the stagger of your hands gets shaky, sounding unsure. “He had to have been.”

Confession?

With the perceived uncertainty, Zestial leans forward in his seat, interested in unraveling you. "So thou believe that Alastor was merely teasing and playing with thy emotions? Using the words "I love you" as a jest rather than a sincere expression of affection?"

“He wouldn’t say it for any other reason. I thought you’d agree.”

"May I challenge that belief for a moment?"

You're on the verge of slamming your face into the table. “Say your piece. I’ll listen.”

Zestial grins at your response, at your reluctant acceptance. His expression becomes severely thoughtful, and all of his eyes slowly shrink with deconstruction. "Ah, how gracious of thou to humor me. Now, allow me to present a counter-argument."

He pauses for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "What if Alastor's use of the phrase "I love you" was not merely a jest, but a sincere expression of his feelings? What if, beneath his playful exterior, he has indeed developed genuine affection for thee?"

“Then all I did was run away..."

Your head spins. Zestial had told you there is more than one way to love. That comment had brushed over you, but now you think you understand. You think.

He recognizes the denial and resistance etched on your face and the hint of understanding in your eyes. "Little one, do not beat yourself up for thy reaction. It is normal to be skeptical and even fearful when confronted with the revelation of another’s affections. I see the need in thine heart, and I shall try to provide some clarity. Now tell me, do thou believe that Alastor is capable of love? Not just any kind of love, but the genuine, affectionate love that one person has for another."

“No.” Your hand fights against you.

You want to add to the comment that you've never considered it or entertained the thought. And though true, all of those things seem fruitless now. “I don’t.”

"Ah, I see... But tell me, why dost thou not believe that Alastor is capable of such love? Is it because of his past actions? His demeanor? Or perhaps something else entirely?"

“With how close we are,” you squeeze your eyes closed. “I believe he would have told me if he’s loved somebody before. I know he’s never had a girlfriend or a wife. I know that he’s not interested in those things.”

Explaining things to him as if he's on the outside of things makes your thoughts settle into better places. You're not acting outraged; this is entirely reasonable.

"Thou base thy belief on the fact that Alastor has not spoken of past loves or relationships. And that he has not shown interest in romantic companionship. Is that correct?"

“Yes.” You meet his eyes, your brows low, and your eyes filled to the brim with confidence. “I know that for a fact. That’s where all of this comes from.”

"But let me pose another question to thou, my dear. Just because Alastor has not spoken of past loves or relationships, or lack thereof, does that mean that he is not capable of loving? Or that he cannot feel affection for someone in the present, or even in the future?"

“I suppose not. Albeit, that’s wishful thinking.” Your head drops, and your cheeks start to warm. “Zestial, are you only saying these things to make me feel better?”

"Ah, my dearest, I do not say these words simply to soothe thy troubled mind. I say them because I sense that thou has shut thyself off from the possibility of love." He leans forward to get you staring into his eyes again. "Thou has dismissed Alastor's words as a jest, purely because thou cannot fathom the idea of him being capable of such emotions."

“Do I apologize to him?” And even smaller, your fingers barely brush out the words: “Does he not like me anymore?”

"Alastor values thy friendship immensely, and I doubt a single incident would sway his affections so easily."

"You told me earlier that you believe he's reeled me in for a plan of his." You sit back. "Zestial, my dear friend, tell me what you think he has planned for me."

"I do not know exactly what his plan is. All I can be sure of is that he has... taken a liking to thee, in some such capacity," his shoulders drop with a sigh, "I would also agree with thou that this... confession, if't be true we are to name it such, is most unfair to thou, in the way he delivered it unto thee. The Radio Demon plays for keeps, and no one knows exactly what he truly wants until he has it."

"You're confusing me."

His impossibly long arm reaches across the table and holds the side of your head, his pointed fingers putting strands astray. With his other one, he coos at you as if you're a child. "Calm yourself, little one. If thou were to return to thy status, remind yourself that Alastor would lay beneath thee."

Don't word it like that.

"If you let him know that then he'd kill me."

He pulls his hand away. "The true meaning of compassion will guide nature's course."

His cape is stiff as he stands, hardly moving with the motion. "Come now, my dear melody, I believe it is time for thou to return."

[nocturneworld6]

How do you define the relationship between Ayato and Yui? Personally, I find it very hard to tell if these two are falling in love or have an obsession with each other. How can I say?! In the first game, things felt more like a sick rush game to me, while in the second, it's obsessive mania on both sides. I've always been curious about this by the way, but I haven't noticed people mentioning anything about it until now, so I'm wondering if I'm the only one who notices it. Ayato in HDB strikes me as a much different character than MB. I do not know how to explain it? In HDB he reminds me more of a sadistic bad boy, while in MB he's like a bloodthirsty maniac who can't figure out what he's feeling until the end.

I'm not a die-hard Diabolik lovers fan so I'm not that into things, but I find the series interesting and enjoy every single one of your stories. I also have you to thank because I discovered DL through a story of yours years ago, namely Infernum ;-)

Aww, such kind words! I have to admit, every single one of you that comments their love for DL and Infernum wins my heart. It's another joy to receive such messages. Although I'm sorry I introduced you to this fandom, I know it can be a little kookie at times. :)

I used to be way more invested in the fandom back in my late teens, so most of my knowledge comes from games prior to lost eden. I remember the game was set to be launched in September 2017 I think. So just weeks before my college started, I started to hold my breath for any news of the game or fan translations, and almost lost hope for the anime adaptation. It's been almost 10+ years, and the anime isn't coming out.

You're right, as you would have noticed in my notes in Infernum, I specifically state that the fic was developed with HDB in mind. It was specifically because I found Ayato in More Blood and Dark Fate too alienated from the first installment. He was almost ruthless in the first game, he routinely left Yui to bleed and die, he almost had no regard for her life until very late in his route.

Even then I think it was more of an obsession than love. Yui was almost dragged along with his all consuming fascination with her blood, and, well, can you blame her? She's a 17 year old, left in a foreign country all alone while her father left her to go for work, and she's stuck with these sadistic vampires. Most of the S choices lead to her being killed or becoming insane. So she had to put her head down and heed every demand the boys asked of her. It's easy to confuse obsession with love at that tender age. How she didn't break even after such intense trauma is beyond me.

I think she mostly avoids facing the question altogether, because she doesn't know what love is yet. She grew up without a mother, was probably a straightforward student that focused on her classes (since we don't see her interact much with her peers in school unless it's absolutely necessary) and has little experience regarding romance. So she picks the closest feeling she can to passion: fear, as her comfort.

I remember the scene in HDB where Ayato sleeps with her for the first time, and in the following scene, she didn't treat it as anything out of the ordinary. Almost as if it was a normal occurrence, prompting me to believe that she had been subdued by the vampires since long, and she just found it futile to fight back. It's extremely evident in Ayato's routes, since he's almost encouraging her to fight back, he enjoys the thrill of the chase. And like this constant back and forth between being submissive and taking charge, she must have broken up a little bit, and developed a flawed idea of love.

Especially in the brute endings, I remember while researching for Infernum I read a brute ending where Yui straight up KILLS AYATO for drinking someone else's blood?? She's almost as crazed and obsessed as Ayato is, and it's almost scary. She keeps his incapacitated body and tells him that he'll be her's forever... Chills. God. She's so scary at times. So I have no doubt, it's a sick obsession in both parts. Ayato desires her for her blood, and Yui desires his attention. It's equally ill.

A large part of Ayato's character comes from his inability to take decisions. Whether to save Yui or leave her to die, whether to hate her or love her, he's always so indecisive, it almost feels like he has to get over this fault to truly love her, but even I believe he can never truly love her. And I'm an AYAYUI shipper.

Vampires don't love in the fashion humans do, their ultimate expression of love is murder for god's sake. Even if he does love her, it'll remain crammed on top of his possessiveness for Yui and her flesh.

[kimium]

A4, A8, C3, and C7! For the Ask a Reader meme!

(From this ask HERE)

Thanks for the ask, Shreedle! I love what you picked! Let's get started!

A4: What is your AO3/FFN username? Has it always been that?

I honestly cannot remember my FFN username. I had one, that's all I can remember. What I can tell you is it wasn't Kimium because I had my FFN account before high school.

A8: What was your first fandom? Are you still in that fandom now?

My first fandom is a tie between Sailor Moon and Pokémon. The first fandom I read fanfiction for was a tie between Inu Yasha and Yu Yu Hakusho. I'd say I'm still in the fandom for Sailor Moon, Pokémon, and YYH, but at varying levels. Sadly, I wouldn't consider myself in the Inu Yasha fandom currently.

C3: Is there anything that makes you nope out of a story? What is it?

I have to list these by novel and fanfiction as they're separate categories.

For a novel what makes me nope out of one so fast is when there is the following:

-A female protagonist who is "not like" the other girls or is a "rebel" or is an "outcast" or is "fighting the system". Sorry, but that's so overdone and boring majority of the time because no one wants to reinvent the story tropes.

-There is a Mysterious, Hot, Male who just Happens to Come into her Life. Sadly majority of the time they play this trope straight and make him the main love interest.

-When romance movies have the main male do things that are 100% illegal/stalker-like/creepy and play them as "cute" and "romantic".

-Too much world building/power systems. Look, I love world building and power systems as much as the next person. I am a shonen anime fan. However, when books have intense glossaries or too many maps in the front before I even begin to read, I'm checking out.

-To side note off this point when there are legitimate family trees in the beginning of the story and notes about who is who in the family I also check out so fast it hurts. Not saying I haven't read stories with those before (see Clytemnestra which I read about a month ago and enjoyed) but sometimes it's too much.

Fanfiction

-NOT SEPARATING YOUR DIALOGUE INTO PARAGRAPHS WILL MAKE ME BACK OUT OF YOUR FIC SO FAST.

-Too much "telling" and not enough "showing". I don't need explanations for everything. You can describe it too.

-Not keeping to the same perspective in a clear, concise manner. I don't mind POV shifts but you cannot do that between paragraphs between characters with no indicators. That's so confusing.

-Writing in first person perspective. I'm sorry... for fanfiction it doesn't work for me.

-Self-inserts/a lot of OCs/Characterxreader: I am not knocking people who like that in their stories, but for me it's not my thing.

C7: Who is your NOTP?

I dislike Gojo/Utahime from JJK so much. It's not even because I'm a big Satosugu shipper. It's because they've barely interacted in the series proper and when they do it's clear Utahime cannot stand Gojo. When people ship them all I can think of is that horrible, horrible romance trope cliché of "She hates him... but secretly loves him" or "they start disliking one another but then FALL IN LOVE". I cannot stand those tropes.

If those two had more scenes/interactions beyond surface level stuff then perhaps I'd buy a bit more into it as an idea, but for now I refuse to even entertain it.

[wellhalesbells]

Feb 2025 update - all I've loved, hated, lost interest in, etc.

Keeping: Absolutely sticking with the English Teacher and High Potential - the popcorniness of this popcorn show just gets better and better (as does Kaitlin Olson). St. Denis Medical, I'm currently caught up and while it's not amazing, it hits at about the same enjoyment level of Superstore (they share a creator). A Man on the Inside was such a kind silly and Stephanie Beatriz absolutely stole every scene she was in (her episode was my favorite!).

Dropping: Murder in a Small Town, I watched two episodes and it's a miss for me. The only draw to this was Kristin Kreuk, who I haven't seen on my television since probably 2005 (I stopped watching Smallville in season four or five-ish) and she is still just as charming as she was then. (Also.... she somehow looks exactly the same???) Beyond just the actress, the character was great too. I loved that essentially the first thing she says upon finding out her online date is a cop is, "I'm sure there are good cops too but..." I appreciate even the nod to the zeitgeist because other shows certainly ignore the fuck out of it. It's not enough but at least it's something. I love that when she's essentially dragged into the case against her will, she looks up her responsibility in the library (she's a librarian!), finds out she has no actual legal reason to disclose what she knows, struggles with the choice, and actually weighs moral vs legal. Even if what she knows is probably exculpatory in some way, is it justice? If she were the show (and the show wasn't so fucking sloppy), I would probably still be watching it.

A note on the sloppiness: The dialogue in this is so freaking odd. It feels like between each call and response, no matter who the characters are, there are about two lines that have been edited out so the conversations don't quite line up. It's jarring and awkward as hell. There are also just regular small continuity errors (in the first episode, protag walks into Kreuk's work - they've been on two dates, he has never been there before, he does not know her coworkers and she has only recently told her best friend that this is a potential thing, says, "Where is she?" to a woman at the desk he has never met before and she immediately knows who he is, who he means by 'she,' and points him after her. Uh, no. So much needed to be established that hasn't been for just that slight, almost no dialogue exchange). Add in that the clue-gathering is done in Sherlockian-style (aka you've watched it before, been bored by it before) and it's not well enough hidden from the audience so that it feels like a eureka moment as much as it feels like a duh one, and in the first episode there's only ever one actual suspect... they have other leads but don't..... check any of them out and our only suspect becomes our main suspect when our protagonist has a coincidental date at his house. AHEM. The second episode isn't much better and again the suspect is just kind of... there but not through police work as much as people not involved in the case going: hey, you should know this/do this/go there, no reason, just casual chatting. And since the only thing I found compelling about the show was the ethical dilemma experienced by a side character that is not likely to ever repeat........ yeah, not for me.

Canceled (but I Still Have Thoughts™): I watched How to Die Alone and while I never really liked it, I got to episode four and couldn't stop, I had to see how it turned out. It was a really interesting series because, while I didn't necessarily like Mel, I was rooting so hard for her. She was doing the (very messy) work of trying to become a better version of herself. There was the requisite backsliding and false starts you would expect on that too, which were frustrating but realistic. I also really liked her fight with Rory (her codependent bestie) because we see it from her side entirely and she uses genuine emotion and therapy speak and she seems right but when Rory fires back, it doesn't give two-dimensional villain, it's his actual issues that have built up on his side of the relationship that are just as legitimate and factual. Neither one of them is wrong and they've both let the things that bother them about the other person build up and up and up without talking about it so that now it seems like these things you once accepted have always been horrible things the other person has done, when that's just not true. Really great writing if occasionally cringe situations that don't appeal to me (she still has feelings for her ex - whom she dumped - and who is getting married in a few months' time is the major one but even the way that resolves is dealt with so gorgeously). It did get canceled but there's only one unresolved and basically totally new plotline - it's the jumping off point for the season two it won't get - and I have no problem just dropping it 'cause the rest is wrapped (and it definitely would've led to yet more cringe situations). Surprised me and made me think, glad I watched it, also Shaun and DeShawn were the background besties we deserve. Teacup was interesting but I can definitely see why it got canceled; none of the characters were as compelling as the story and the story was just getting started so there were way more questions than answers and that really only works when there's heartbeat to the show you want to come back to. I don't really know why it wasn't there - there was a lot of meat and backstory to the characters and many of the actors were seasoned (especially Yvonne Strahovski, if she can make me give a single fuck about Serena then, yeah, lady's talented) - but whatever that spark is? It was missing. It did make me want to read the book though! Stuff was wild.

Still Very Much on My List: Grotesquerie, Penelope, Interior Chinatown (most excited to get to this one ngl as I have since read the book and loved it), Disclaimer

On the Fence About: Twilight of the Gods (same reasons as before), The Franchise (it got canceled so.... I already know its fate, what if I get attached???), Sweetpea (I read the book and.... I did not like the main character; it clearly wanted me to think she was funny but, like, she wasn't? Soooo. Sometimes that gets smoothed over in the adaptation though?? Also it did get a season two so???), The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh (same reasons as before), The Madness (I knew nothing about this show aside from Colman Domingo but now that I've seen the trailer for it.... it just seems so unpleasant! lol).

Decided Not to Touch: A Very Royal Scandal, Poppa's House

Surprise Addition: Didn't know about The Pitt but, as of right now, it's the show I drop everything to watch as soon as possible. I like Noah Wyle a lot (I didn't watch all of ER - or even most of ER - but the amount of ER I watched.... a lot of that had to do with him [and Maura Tierney *coughs*]) and his character in this is just so good. He's so kind, even when he disagrees, even when he's chastising, even when he's being pecked at and harried relentlessly and his calmness and kindness trickles down to everyone around him. You can see that there are certain characters where that is not their base personality (Langdon, in particular. I think he would be a whole different doctor tbqh if he'd had a different teacher) but they were taught by this teacher, and they can't do it as naturally as he can but the instinct is still to mimic. It's only five episodes (six tonight!) into what, I think, is a fifteen episode season but it's building up characters, relationships, and tension so satisfyingly so far.

Totally Unrelated Backdated Rec: I finally watched Poker Face and I recommend it so hard. It's a procedural-ish show but it's hard on the ish. I love the way Charlie gets involved in the cases (though it is at some points odd she doesn't turn to look straight at the camera like: a disturbing amount of people die around me) and how radically different they all are. The episodes feel like mini self-contained movies feeding into a larger universe. The actors are big names, the locations are all wildly different (the one in the isolated cabin in the snowstorm was a fuuuuun locale), the mysteries are intriguing and well thought-out, and Charlie is easy to root for. Lotta fun and I hope there'll be new episodes at some point but it doesn't need them, I just desperately want them. My understanding is it was renewed for season 2 ages back, it's just taken forever to make it happen so *fingers crossed*

Okay, so, new shows I've picked this fall are English Teacher (which entirely has to do with it being a Brian Jordan Alvarez joint and The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo remains one of the best things ever. I love it so far and Markie steals every scene he's in) and High Potential (which I am literally only watching for Kaitlin Olson, though Judy Reyes was a lovely surprise! It's a not-so-great premise and it is another cop show [blech] but Kaitlin Olson is freaking wonderful in it and it is a popcorn show so..... either it'll really click and it'll be on forever or it won't and it'll die in its first season. We shall see. Every time I try to make a prediction on which procedural show will last, I am always wrong lol).

Other ones I'm planning to check out are How to Die Alone (I have never seen Natasha Rothwell in something - Insecure or Love, Simon - and not thought: more, MORE so I really need to get to this one. Especially since she's not just the star but also the creator), Murder in a Small Town (I completely get why true crime podcasts/shows would be so bingeable but I also can't help but feel gross indulging in them so fictional ones should be perfect for me. Like, I really like books that have true crime podcasts in them so this show will hopefully scratch that itch, right? Not to say that this has a true crime podcast in it but that should be the vibe, yeah? And I'm willing to get further away from it because Bodkin was honestly such a disappointment for me), Penelope (Mark Duplass is pretty much the whole draw here, I like the stuff he does but the description is so bleh so I keep forgetting about it) and Grotesquerie (honestly this is because I always try to get in on a Ryan Murphy show on the ground floor because almost every time I find them, there are 80,000 episodes and everyone is telling you it's shit anyway, lol. I also have no problem dropping his shows if they're terrible - I don't even think I made it out of the first season of Glee and I know I only got as far as I did because of Jane Lynch. Plus, Niecey Nash! I follow my Reno 911! people around, I can't help myself). I am completely on the fence about A Very Royal Scandal (as mentioned, I don't like rooting around through real people's trauma and the only draw to this is Michael Sheen). Oh and maybe Twilight of the Gods (I want someone else to watch this and tell me if it's at all worthwhile or if it's too bro-y for words because sometimes.... *coughs*).

Ones that aren't out yet but that I'm definitely gonna poke at: Teacup (a James Wan horror show? Yes, please!), Disclaimer (this sounds bonkers and Cate Blanchett and Kevin Kline? Okay fine, I'm in.), St. Denis Medical (some of my favorite comic actors and I like Abbott Elementary, okay, so if people keep wanting to apply that formula elsewhere? I'm for it!), Interior Chinatown (sounds like it could be cool as hell), The Franchise (if we have to keep doing superheores, at least we're switching up the premise for them), Sweetpea (there's just nothing about this that doesn't appeal to me, lol), maybe The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh (I liked Fresh Off the Boat a lot, the problem is all the descriptions make it sound like it's just that show but with an Indian family now and I don't know if I liked it enough to watch it again, y'know?), A Man on the Inside (Mike Schur, Ted Danson, Stephanie Beatriz? You couldn't keep me away from this if you tried), and The Madness (it's all for Colman Domingo, act surprised). Maybe Poppa's House (I love Damon Wayans, Jr., but I have a massive hate hard-on for CBS shows, they feel so soulless to me and everything contributes to that. The laugh tracks, the lighting, the acting, etc.).

So this is partly for me to keep track of shows that I want to watch/aren't out yet and partly because I have an ad blocker, I don't watch anything that can give me commercials, and this is the only social media I'm on so if you've heard of something that sounds cool (or you've checked out one of the ones on my list and are like: well you could watch that or just stab a pencil in your eye instead...) let me know!

[saffronapplemanga]

GANGSTA. - ギャングスタ - PART 2

CRIME, ACTION, DRAMA

(8 volumes, hiatus) Mangaka Kohske-sensei is sick and works on updates when she can. There are chapters beyond volume 8 in JP that haven't been collected into a volume yet here.

Available in English here

Anime - Yes. I'll admit it's crunchy, poorly paced, and disappointing because the studio went under literally a few days after it finished airing and it shows, but it’s still fun? They did cut stuff from the manga and there's so much they didn't adapt, so I'd recommend reading it. I'm begging for a remake and a season 2 or something...

Links to my other manga posts here

~Part one of this post is here~

This is a continuation of my part one post, so go check that out if you haven't and come back here!

Let’s continue talking non-stop about my precious found family trio ❤️

***Trigger warnings for everything you can think of for this series.***

Part one was broken up into: Why You Should Check GANGSTA. Out - What's It About? - Lots And Lots of Character Analysis (And Gushing) - Where It All Began - Nicolas and Nina - "Nice vs. Kind" - Worick and Alex

This part two post will continue the character analysis and is broken up into: Nicolas and Alex - Nicolas and Worick - Nicolas - The Trio and The Scene That Had Me Bawling My Eyes Out - Brief Shoutouts to Characters I Also Want to Talk About, But This Post Is Already Long Enough

***SPOILERS UNTIL CHAPTER 56 FROM HERE ON OUT***

(Note: the manga pages/panels I included for reference are arranged from right to left reading order btw)

Nicolas and Alex

I touched on Nic and Alex's relationship a bit earlier, but let's dig deeper. We established that Nic is having trouble opening up to Alex, and she's having trouble figuring him out. Gradually though, they start to click.

I've already said that one of the ways Nic shows affection is by teasing. Early on in chapter six when the boys are rushing out the door mid-meal, Nic stops halfway out the door, turns around, and signs something to Alex. And if I'm not mistaken, it's the first time he's initiated talking to her. Alex looks up the sign in the book and realizes he said the food was, "So-so." Even though earlier in the same chapter he felt unapproachable and ate alone down in his space, he's making an effort to communicate and thank her for the food... in his own awkward Nicolas-way lol.

At Constance's shop after Alex's withdrawal meltdown with Worick, we can see Nic keeping an eye on Alex from afar. She starts recalling some memories and is on the edge of having a panic attack. At this moment, Nic comes inside the shop to ask Constance for more paint:

Be still, my beating heart.

I think he asked for the paint as an excuse to casually come closer to Alex. Whether he actually needed more paint or not, he chose this moment to get up from where he was and come inside. After he calms Alex and helps her open the pill bottle, he leaves once she stops trembling, likely to give her some air and not have her feel like he's hovering over her — so that she doesn't feel like she's burdening or worrying them. Since Nic and I have similar love languages/displays of affection, I tend to do the same. I don't like to make a big fuss over something so the other person doesn't feel embarrassed and like they have the spotlight on them. At the same time, I try to make sure they know I'm always around and can come to me when they need to/are ready to.

Next, we have these pages where Alex was helping with a job looking for a lost cat to "earn her keep" when she sees a Twilight child being beaten and about to be SA-ed by Normals. She steps in and whacks one of them to allow the child to escape, but she's up against three big guys and gets caught. Luckily, Nic comes in the nick of time hehe:

I can't believe they cut this out of the anime... Nic is a cat whisperer but Alex is not a Nic whisperer... yet, LOL. She'll get there. And him constantly pickpocketing the people he knocks out is so funny. But also it’s sad because it’s a habit he picked up as a kid to survive.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I love the casual kindness in this series. Nic saves Alex and the child, and gives her the cat and the money he pickpocketed from the men. Then he gave some to the child and walked away. The way he did all this sort of reminded me of this saying that’s found in the Abrahamic religions that goes, "Give without letting your left hand know what your right hand is doing." Except Nic is a leftie lol. This saying is about not seeking a reward for doing something good. To not “announce” your good deeds for attention. Nic does what he does, doesn't make a big deal of it, and just goes about his business (it's "nice vs. kind" again!). Alex stands against injustice even when it put her in great danger. In this case, she put herself in danger for a Twilight she didn't even know, and I'm sure Nic appreciates that.

Even though Alex is struggling to get on Nic's wavelength, it doesn't stop her from trying. She takes the initiative to learn sign language when she's alone. Before heading home from the clinic together, Alex stops Nic to convey her feelings about her situation, but in sign. It's her first attempt at signing a full conversation. Nic waits for her to finish without interrupting her, but then says, "Idiot. Your signing sucks. I can't understand it. Try again. And quit being so rough with that book. It's the only copy we have." To me, it sounds like Nic knew that Alex was studying sign, and he appreciates her effort and is teasing like he always does. They're starting to meet each other halfway more and more.

When Alex regains her memories and passes out from a panic attack, we get this scene:

This is an example of what I meant by, "I try to make sure they know I'm always around and can come to me when they need to/are ready to." He's just there, quietly watching over her when she's in a vulnerable state. He chose to read his book in Worick's room next to her instead of the living room or his room. It's such a simple gesture — a reassuring presence at a time when she's working through her trauma, waiting by her side with a comforting drink in hand.

A scene I adored was this:

Kohske-sensei, once again killing it with conveying things through wordless pages.

After comforting a grieving Nina, Nic takes her to Bastard to watch Alex sing. He leans against the speakers so he can feel the vibrations of her performance in an effort to connect to Alex since he can't hear her singing. If this isn't the cutest thing... idk what is...

Also, this:

A little bit after leaving Bastard, Nic's 'roided out on Theo's drug and is about to do some reckless shit. He's leaping over the rooftops to his destination and we get this page of him drifting in the air... humming the tune of Alex's song... AHHHH!!!

Nicolas and Worick

I talked about the Handymen and their relationships with other characters, but what about with each other? As early as the first page of chapter two, we already get hints that Nic and Worick have a... complicated relationship.

From their banter and how they bounce off each other, we can tell these two are beyond close. But the more we progress, the more we see how close. Worick usually presents a silly, charming, and laid-back attitude, so it's jarring when we see him seriously snap at the girl badmouthing Nic at the brothel. It's kind of scary to see him like that. Time and time again, we see how protective he is of Nic. When one of his clients suggests that Nic should "join them" Worick declines and is angry on the inside. He thinks to himself that Nic isn't a sex worker. While Nic couldn't join Worick in working at the brothel, Pussy, because no Twilights are allowed, I get the feeling Worick wouldn’t have let him anyway. He's traumatized by his sex work and seems to keep Nic out of it. Hell, he owns Nic and he could have made him sell himself, but my impression is that he's against it. Maybe I'm reaching, idk.

With their backstory, we learn a lot about them, how they met, why they are the way they are, and more. I love that Worick took Nic in and gave him the education he never had. They bond as children and become friends, but we can see SO MANY times, Nic bows to Worick. I've lost count of how many times he does it. I think this is because his whole life, Nic has been taught to obey his "master" which was usually his father, and now, Worick. Now, these two hurt little boys are brought together, and they need one another to survive.

Worick asks, "Why don't you run away?" and, "How can you act so calm?" There are various reasons Nic hasn't run away and acts calm, so allow me:

Worick doesn't know yet at this point, but Nic's father, Gaston Brown, has his supply of Cerebret. Nic can't source it himself and would die without it if he ran away.

He's a child. Where would he even go? He has nowhere to go.

He's acting "calm" because, to him, this is his "normal". It's not unusual for victims of abuse to not register things they experienced as abuse. If that's the only perspective they've known and have been conditioned to, it becomes their "normal". Or some believe they "deserve" that treatment. Worick's "normal" also consists of constant abuse, but he at least has a contrasting point of reference in his brother who gets treated much better than he does. Nic doesn't have that.

No matter how terrible, Gaston Brown is his father at the end of the day. It can be ridiculously hard to cut parents out, even when you hate them. This applies to Worick as well, but I'm going to expand on this point more in a bit.

I'm sure Worick was asking these questions out of frustration, perhaps asking himself those questions rather than actually directing them at Nic who he knows isn't listening.

The two are suffering abuse at the hands of their fathers, but the abuse isn't just physical. Although, that's the most obvious form that they are both experiencing at the same time:

It's common for victims of physical abuse to say, "I fell," or say they had an accident when asked about their injuries. Worick is the first to bring up the topic in chapter 13 (right page) as he's been observing Nic and his behaviors more and more. Nic pauses before coming up with a lie, saying that he, "...fell down". I wouldn't be surprised if he was told to either hide that his father was abusing him or maybe he thinks it was his fault and takes the blame for his injuries. Worick understands what he actually means though. It's glaringly obvious that Nic's arm has been stomped on by someone wearing military boots. Then in chapter 15 (left page) after Nic comes back from a battle, he asks what happened to Worick. And Worick mirrors Nic's response of, "I fell." I think Nic knows about Worick being beaten by this point, and his asking was more like, I'm the one that just came back from war. What the heck happened to you? Are you okay? Or something along those lines.

After this, the boys really start to get along, even more than before. They enjoy each other's company and feel comfortable with one another. They understand each other in a way no one else around them does. But then, Worick learns that Nic is a Twilight, and he's been taught that Twilights are monsters. At first, he's in denial when he finds out but ultimately challenges his teachings. He's spent time and shared intimate moments with this so-called "monster" and quickly works towards saving Nic from his father. So, he buys Nic's contract and a supply of Cerebret.

This scene... stomped on my heart. After being injured in a battle he, A 12 YEAR OLD CHILD, was forced to fight in, Nic wakes up, leaving the bed and assuming his spot on the floor — like he's been "trained" to do (more on this in the next section... ugh.) He rips out his IV and runs out in the rain calling after his father, clinging to the bars of the fence... only to be thrown away for money and called a monster. His expression on the last page killed me. That's the face of a child who still hoped for their parent to show them love, even after everything they had done to them. Yes, Worick has saved him from his father's tyranny, but part of him still hoped...

The next day, Worick has been beaten once again. Nic has been "freed" but not actually. As Worick says, "Great, nothing's changed at all." (This is a theme that comes up constantly.) Nic is still a child soldier who's a slave and Worick is still his father's punching bag. Nic's response? He signs, "Should I kill him?" referring to Worick's father, as it is now time to free Worick from his abusive situation. It's also the only thing he knows how to do. Nic snaps the next time Worick's father beats him, killing the whole family. Worick is in a panic, "Father, it wasn't me! Please believe me, Father..." and he seems angry at Nic. When he tells him, "I won't allow you to die that easy! You're going to hurt real bad before you die! The worst kind of pain you can imagine! That's an order!" he's taking out his frustration on Nic while also begging him to not die and leave him behind. Nic is Worick's only friend after all. The expression on Nic's face when he gets yelled at is interesting. At first his eyes are open wide, then he relaxes his face accepting what Worick says. It reminds me of his face when his father left. It's worth pointing out that Nic's previous master was a white/blonde man with an eyepatch who was bigger than him and was rough with him. And now his new master is too.

I think... Worick is ultimately glad his father is gone, but he's conflicted. The thing with some relationships, especially family/parent-child relationships, is that it's never that simple. No matter how terrible, a child will always crave the love of their parent. Somewhere inside, they hope that a crumb of affection will come their way. Often times in abusive relationships, it isn't always all bad. The abusive parent can still have moments where they are good to the child victim and show care and gentleness. The child is powerless to run away, powerless to fight back, and naturally seeks the love of the parent, so they don't have much choice other than to endure and hope for "good times" to make their appearance.

While I was writing this, I was skimming through the manga again to refresh my memory and I saw this page at the end of vol.3 that I either missed or completely forgot about that supports what I'm saying:

Apparently, Worick's picture is only in the Japanese volumes.

Gaston Brown is... hugging Nic. I think... this is the only time we see Nic smile as a child. And he did put the last name "Brown" on Nic's tag. Did he see him as his son, even a little? I want to mention that the flashback is all from Worick's POV, and we never directly see Gaston physically abuse Nic. Worick's POV could be skewing our perception of Nic's story and he might be projecting his experience with abuse onto Nic, assuming it was Gaston when it could've been the other men. I could argue points in Gatson's defense, believe it or not. Like how he actually told the guys to lay off of Nic, or maybe he sold him to Worick because they could take care of him better than he could, and so on and so forth. Still a piece of shit and not father-of-the-year or anything, and this could totally not be the case. It's something to think about but I'll leave it there for now.

The same is true for Worick. He's had nice moments with his father as well. But now, there is no chance Worick can ever hope to have a relationship with his father. While no longer being terrorized, the boys lost all hope for parental affection as well as any kind of familial support system. It's normal to feel great loss and regret. It reminds me of Ash's relationship with his father from Banana Fish, and that One Piece character who had a dedicated arc semi-recently (I don't wanna spoil anyone, but if you know, you know). Like Ash and in One Piece, Nic and Worick were failed by their parents and pushed to desperate measures to survive. But ultimately, all these characters can't bring themselves to completely hate their parents and feel nothing for them. It's harder than it seems to throw your family away even when you hate them. Whenever people are like, "Just cut your parents off! They're not the boss of you!" it's like... shut up, it's complicated.

Surely now, things will be on the up and up now that they're out of those terrible situations, right?

Wrong.

Worick is selling himself to support them, and Nic is frankly a burden. His medication is expensive, he can't work regular jobs, and all he knows how to do is fight and kill. Worick is excited to take Nic somewhere where they can get something decent to eat, and to eat together at a place that allows Twilights. But he rounds the corner and sees that his friend is beaten and bruised. And Nic says it himself, "All of it is pointless." (Again, this is a constant theme.) They're constantly stuck in a crappy situation. They're NOT free even after running away. They're still two scared little kids with no support system, fending for themselves just like before. And Twilights will always be oppressed. They'll always be slaves. The whole Three Laws is a facade to "free" the Twilights when in reality that's not the case. It's probably why Chad says he doesn't like the Three Laws and not to talk about them around him. Even if Worick didn't own him, Nic and the other Twilights would be slaves to the system.

In the current timeline, the boys are doing pretty well for themselves. Their business/home, their neutral status, and freelancer flexibility are PEAK luxuries. If you look at their current lifestyle and think, "Man, they live in a shitty place and their jobs kinda suck," then I say to you, that you haven't tasted poverty and desperation. I always get pissy when I see those, "I tried living on poverty wages for a month!" things because... fuck you. One of the worst parts about poverty is that there's no end in sight. You can slave away day in and day out and not get anywhere. There's no promise of "moving up" if you just work hard enough. But if you KNOW it's over in a month or even a year or more? You can pace yourself and stick it out. That's nothing. That's EASY. At least there's an end in sight. But even if you get out, you always live in fear of slipping and going back. Anyone who thinks poverty is caused by people being lazy or whatever is just exposing how ignorant they are. Poverty is a failure of society — all of us as a society are failing the poor and oppressed. Poverty is a form of violence, and not a failure of the individual. I don't want to harp on about this for too long, but just know, I'm proud of the boys and I love their crappy little home and wish them luck on their morally dubious jobs.

But, these two are codependent on each other while also having some awkward power dynamics. Nic needs Worick to be his contract holder to afford him as much "freedom" as he has, and to keep others from using him. Early on, he relied on Worick to provide for them. Worick needs Nic to keep him safe, and I'd argue that Worick would've been taken out for his "storage" ability being a liability ages ago if it wasn't for Nic's presence being a threat. Beyond bodily survival, they need one another in terms of emotional well-being and keeping each other in check. They're aware of their "master/Twilight" positions and for the most part, do well to thrive together despite it. It does come up though and continues to be a point of contention in their relationship.

Back to the Arcangelo family massacre, maybe part of Worick was angry at himself for not being able to do anything and Nic having to dirty his hands. Plus the way Nic killed everyone was... gruesome. It proved to Worick what Nic was capable of and that he really is a Twilight, a monster, and all of this shocked him. The boys were friends, but after the massacre, part of Worick likely hated Nic and he was cruel to him in some ways (as we see more of in the Blu-ray manga where Worick even calls Nic his dog. He was playing along with Monroe, but still...) There's definitely resentment. You could say Nic ruined his life as much as he saved him.

However, two years later (I'm assuming after the attack on Monroe), we get a scene of Worick crying to Chad as Nic is hospitalized, and I believe he starts to realize once again that Nic is just a kid and not an invincible monster. He realizes that throwing Nic into that situation with his planned attack on Monroe almost got his only friend killed for real (which might be why Monroe later says that Nic attacked him for his master's sake, that bothers Worick because he now sees them as friends). At this point, their relationship takes another turn.

The reality is that he's still technically Nic's master, but they're friends too. So now they went from friends, to master/slave, and now to master/friends. It's an awkward line to walk, and Worick is trying his best to keep it more on the friendship side. Like, when he tells Nic not to make him give orders because he doesn't like flexing his role as master. No matter what, the legal ownership of Nic is always hovering over them. It's... complicated... good lord.

I do find it interesting to think about how Worick is probably the first person who treated Nic normally at first because he didn't know he was a Twilight. Nic probably never experienced that any other time.

One last thing — I love that they got matching tattoos because it was to cover the serial numbers on Nic's back and Worick got one too. I think it was Worick's idea because Nic doesn't seem like the type that would bother. Cute...

I know I mainly talked about their past together and there's so much subtle stuff from the present like their conversation at Connie's place and Worick hitting Nic with the hammer to test his sense of pain. But maybe another time or else we're gonna be here all day. I could literally analyze this series page by page, panel by panel.

Nicolas

Now, I'd like to further break down aspects of Nic's character I have yet to cover in this section dedicated to him because he's my baby girl.

Worick's family had it coming. If only Nic took out his own dad while he was at it.

I am not deaf, nor will I pretend to truly understand what it's like for those in the deaf/hard-of-hearing community. I can only give my perspective on the portrayal of Nicolas as someone trying to relate and understand from my limited knowledge, my own experience with disability, and through my experience with a deaf relative of mine. So please keep that in mind whenever I address that aspect of Nic. If I got something wrong, please let me know! I’m always open to learning more.

Nic expresses himself differently than Worick, from his mannerisms, how he shows kindness, etc. Why is he the way he is? I've seen some people say that he doesn't show a lot of emotion. While I do think he was emotionally stunted from childhood, he actually displays a lot of emotion. He's just more subtle about it, except for when he wants to fight I guess.

From the start, he gives off a feral kind of energy. Nic has an itch for battle, yes, but it also shows in his body language in his daily life and how he acts outside of battle.

I know I call him an animal here, but I say it affectionately, I swear. I want to throw hands with his dad who treated him like a literal animal (ง’̀-‘́)ง But we'll get to that... They cut this detail out of the anime too!

A panel that stood out to me early on is this:

Nic often curls up on furniture, like when he sat next to Nina on the couch. But here when he's alone, he's hunched over his food, not even properly sitting on the loveseat. He sits downstairs alone to eat instead of joining Worick and Alex. Worick mentions that, "I've known him since we were kids, but we've only been eating together for the past two or three years." Later at the end of one of the volumes, we get a layout of the Handymen's home and it turns out Nic doesn't have a bed. His "room" is the open space by the kitchen and his "bed" is either the loveseat or he just sleeps on the floor. It's like... he doesn't know how to sit "normally" or behave in a "typical" manner sometimes.

Listen, I sleep on the floor with a Japanese-style futon and I'm that kid that has to sit cross-legged on everything — couches, desk chairs, those insufferably uncomfortable science class/art studio stools, you name it. But Nic's body language was telling me that he's been hurt and abused before I even got any info on his backstory.

Sure enough, his backstory proved me right.

We talked about the physical abuse Nic and Worick went through, but there's more to it than just that. Worick is also being emotionally abused by being othered and hated for being the result of his father's infidelity. Nic is being abused on so many levels — he hasn't been given any kind of education (abuse!), his medication is being kept from him and he's only given enough to barely function (medical child abuse), his mother was killed by his father and he was taken to be a child soldier (yikes...), and he's being treated like a literal dog! OH MY GOD!!!

His feet don't even reach the floor... How could you be so cruel to this child...

Multiple times, we see that Nic goes out of his way to come down off of furniture and curl up on the floor as if he was a dog that got scolded, and to take up as little room as possible. Worick realizes that Gatson Brown probably "trained" Nic to do this, so he tells him he doesn't have to do that around him. He can just sit on the chair. Nic nods in response but he keeps getting down and sitting on the floor again and again. It's like it's been hardwired and beat into him — engrained into him, and he's having a hard time breaking the habit.

When Nic wakes up after passing out, he looks startled. Normally, I'd think that he's reacting to Worick finding out that he's a Twilight, but Nic can't hear them and likely can't read their lips from where he is. Maybe he could tell from their body language? But to me, this feels like he woke up and thought, Why am I in a bed? Oh no, I should get out of this bed before anyone sees me. I'll get in trouble. I'm doing a lot of assuming here, but that's my impression because the first thing he does is jump out of bed and curl up on the floor next to the IV stand. He flips through the book and lingers on the signs for "Family/Father". Then he gets up, rips the IV out, and runs outside to chase after his father. That's when we get the heart-wrenching scene where he's abandoned that we discussed in the previous section.

The abuse that takes form in Nic's lack of education and accommodations for his disability is something that got me REAL heated. Like, yeah, the child soldier thing is horrible but I don't think I need to expand on why... I touched on education in my Tenmaku no Jadoogar: A Witch's Life in Mongol post, but in summary, education is a human right! Access to language is a human right! A deaf child not having access to language is child abuse! Whether it's spoken or sign language, they need to be able to convey their wants and needs and communicate with those around them. Humans are social beings! I've seen firsthand a mere glimpse of what a deaf child who hasn't been given proper access to language goes through, and I raised hell over it! I won't get into details out of respect for their privacy. I can only imagine how lonely and isolated Nic must have been his whole life. His deafness and language deprivation can also be symbolic of Twilights not having a voice in society.

And I want to be clear that I'm not saying deaf or hard-of-hearing individuals need hearing aids or cochlear implants or anything like that (Nic probably couldn't get some anyways, but that's not the point). Deafness isn't something that needs to be "fixed" because there's no such thing. Whether one wants to utilize medical devices, wants to learn spoken language/speech therapy, wants to learn sign language, and how they want to use them in whatever combination is a deeply personal choice. These are all tools and some people in the deaf and hard-of-hearing community chose not to use medical devices of any kind. Some, like Nic, prefer sign language over speaking. They should be presented with their options and be able to choose what suits their needs best.

Why is he always itching for a fight? My opinion? It’s all he knew for so long and he's depressed and needs to feel something. The whole thing about the Cerebret making him numb and lose feeling reminds me of the numbness you feel when depressed so that could be symbolism or something? Also... I think Nic might be kinda suicidal... Like in a trying-to-get-himself-killed and having self-destructive tendencies kinda way if that makes sense. He's accepted his fate of dying young, of always being seen as a monster.

Seeing Nic say something so profoundly sad, echoing himself as a child, while simultaneously having people around who love him do everything they can to help is just… heartbreaking. He feels hopeless. This goes back to what I said in the previous section about how Nic knows he and the Twilights will never be free no matter what.

Despite this, he's still SO KIND!!! A scene that turned on the waterworks for me is this:

He's having seizures and is in extreme pain. Theo is about to call the test off but Nic stops him. He knocks the downer out of Theo's hand since using it would ruin the test results. Then, he grits his teeth and smiles, points to Yang indicating to Theo, I'm fine. Go help him. Now that he's accepted his death that's coming sooner rather than later, he's offering his body to help Theo figure out how to help other Twilights...

Nic is a perfect representation of what Twilights face in this world. From being born to be a weapon, being oppressed and abused, having no voice, and even the manga not having much of his perspective. The past was Worick's POV and the present is a lof of Alex's POV. Nic's POV is pretty much just his memories of Veronica. We don't get to hear from him about what he thinks very often, and most of the time we have to infer a lot of things. He fascinates me and I want to learn more about him!!!

The Trio and The Scenes From Ch 43 and 56 That Had Me Bawling My Eyes Out

Note: I read the post-vol. 8 chapters in Japanese. I'll be using my own translations for the post-vol. 8 chapters I'm referencing.

We get various moments throughout the series of the trio interacting. Most of the notable moments have been one on one — either Nic/Worick, Nic/Alex, or Alex/Worick. The scenes I want to talk about here are ones where things start to… converge (?) in a way. Like, things regarding the three of them coming together? I’m not quite sure how to put it. Hopefully, as I talk about the scenes, things will start to make sense.

Chapter 43 was relentless, from beginning to end. We check in with where the trio are mentally/emotionally. While separated from one another in this chapter, they’re all… really going through it at this point, to put it mildly.

First up is Worick, who has just made some WILD moves in the story. Like, holy shit, Worick!!! I trust you sweetie, but what’s going on in that big beautiful head of yours? I was anxious when he found out about Monroe's betrayal and he made a face I'm used to seeing on Nic, but not Worick himself — an unhinged grin that says, Oh, I'm about to fuck shit up. And I was nervously laughing like... haha, what're you gonna do Worick...? Oh no... I have a bad feeling about this. AND THEN HE ROLLED UP WITH MILES' HEAD IN A BAG! And wants to see Uranos Corsica! WORICK!!?! He's doing a convincing job of making everyone think that he's siding with Corsica, the notorious Twilight-hater.

While I have to say, Worick is scaring me a bit, I don't doubt him at all. He's constantly shown what a wonderful person he is. He's gone above and beyond to protect Nic and doesn't let people speak ill of his partner. And it's precisely in the midst of Worick taking frightening, extreme measures that we get this scene:

Sometimes, murder is moral, kids. But his face... the way he hesitated to hug her back...

It opens with a flashback of Worick in his teens having just stabbed a man who was cruel to Twilights and he's taking it upon himself to stand up for them. We've been shown that Worick hates the discrimination against Twilights despite having been taught to hate and fear them before he met Nicolas. And now, I'm genuinely worried for him because he could very much get himself killed. Nic's not with him. No one is. He's doing this alone. Big Mama is on his side, but she still works under Corsica.

Speaking of Nic, I don't think Worick filled him in on whatever the plan is. Nic was passed out after having a seizure when Worick decided to raise hell against Monroe. He's the next in the trio we check in with. But right before we do, we see Chad on the phone with Gina where he's forced to acknowledge that he's helpless to do anything for the suffering Twilights. He remembers what Nicolas said as a child — "All of it is pointless." I'm not crying.

Back at the clinic, Nic is still out of commission from the experimental drug's side effects. He's remembering the night he killed Worick's family and Worick yelling at him. Nina puts her hands on his shaking ones, trying to soothe him:

Just fuck me up... Don't make that face... Theo, I’m gonna need you to come in clutch and figure something out. Can we get this man a juicy research budget or something…?😩💦

Nic, once again, looks so hopeless. So defeated. He's accepted his fate. He still wants to help the other Twilights. *Punches the wall* DAMNIT STOP HURTING MY BOY LIKE THIS!

Theo says Nic's contract has been "voided" and Nic says, "My master is going to a place where he doesn't need a Twilight anymore" while looking distraught in my opinion. That line makes it sound like he may have some idea of what Worick is doing. Or a more depressing interpretation is that he thinks he's useless and has been tossed aside, but I refuse to entertain that idea. And then he says he still has an order to follow. I think this is in reference to what Worick told him that night Nic killed his family — "I won't allow you to die that easy! You're going to hurt real bad before you die! The worst kind of pain you can imagine! That's an order!" Like, You're not allowed to die on me. I also think the order might be to keep Alex safe and get her out of the city (which is why he’s looking at the blood under his nails where he accidentally scratched her). And I want to point out that even though his contract is voided, Nic from this point on keeps constantly calling Worick his master. Maybe it's a sense of loyalty, or because he doesn't want Worick to leave him behind. I honestly can't say for sure, but it hurts me... I'm holding my head in my hands right now... ugh...

Finally, we have Alex closing the chapter. She comes back to Handymen HQ with the intention of it being the last time — "Barry, you were right. I was crazy to think I'd found a place where I belonged. I've never had a home I could come back to. And I'm sure this time, I'll never come back here again." I'm NOT crying. But then, she finds a beheaded body the moment she walks through the door.

I gotta say, I laughed a little here because the first thing Alex does after realizing what she’s looking at is to lock the door and close the window shutters. Her first instinct is to try and make sure nobody finds out that one of the boys BEHEADED A MAN in their living room. I mean, yeah she was freaked out by the body, but more so than that, she didn’t want the boys to get in trouble for murder!!! Whether she thinks they did it or not is unclear, but even if they did, it doesn’t matter to her! She trusts them 100%!!! She did meet them murdering Barry and all, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Alex, you boobalicious babe, you’re such a real one!!!!! She might make a great getaway driver, tbh.

Anyways, back to the scenes ruining my life:

By this point in the chapter, I’m just sitting in front of a tissue box with a pile of used tissues in my lap… I’m reading through tears. I can’t see shit.😭😭😭

Right after she tries to cover the boys’ asses for homicide, her train of thought goes down memory lane. Her eyes wander around the room, recalling her life since Barry, and the men who saved her from the streets of Ergastulum, asking for nothing in return. We see a note from Worick and an envelope of money he left for Alex, bloody hand prints everywhere. Even in the midst of him BEHEADING A MAN IN THE LIVING ROOM, making some extremely risky moves, and heading into the lion’s den, he still thought of Alex — not wanting her to get wrapped up in their mess and the turmoil that's enveloping the city. I am bouncing off the walls, crying, screaming… I love them....... The care and love they all have for each other is... *sobbing*

-----------------------

Before moving onto the scene from chapter 56 that I've literally made my desktop background, I wanted to dig a little further into whatever Worick is planning, so I'm going to jump to chapters 50-51.

I said that I don't think Worick filled Nic in on the plan, so I was wondering how Nic felt about what his partner was up to. We get a scene where he looks shocked when he's told, "Your contract holder, Storage (Worick), has committed taboo." And I'M over here like, Nic, are we freaking out? Are we chill? What’s the vibe buddy? I can’t tell if we’re in trouble or not...

But then:

He smiled. Okay, so Nic seems okay with this. Now I can breathe a little.

The flashback scenes of the boys when they were working for Monroe show that they had a good relationship with Miles. It looks like they genuinely cared for each other. Miles even says that if his son was still alive, it would be nice if he was like Worick. So while I still have faith that Worick knows what he's doing, and after being reassured by Nic's smile, I must say the flashback portion did add salt to the wound. At first, when Worick shows up with the head, I started to think if there was any possibility that he didn't actually kill Miles and that it was a trick or something. Later, however, at the end of chapter 43, we check in with Alex and see the beheaded body at the Handymen's home. Unless there's some kind of twist, I guess he really did kill him and that makes me sad after seeing these flashback pages. Now I'm wondering how Worick feels about everything. He's clearly under a lot of pressure. I'd like to see more from him in future chapters about all this.

-----------------------

And now, the scenes that've been living rent-free in my head...

Captured by the Paulklee Guild, Nic and Alex have some tender af moments. In chapter 53, Alex wakes up and immediately starts asking about Nic's injuries and apologizes for not being able to do anything. He cuts her off by placing the back of his hand over her mouth and responds with this:

Nic: "You missed your chance to hightail it out of here again, slowpoke."

Alex: "...Yeah... I guess I did."

I LOVE THEM!!!🥺❤️

This is the most... what do you even call it? Tender? Loving? Casually comfortable? Whatever it is, they are totally clicking now!!! And it continues in this scene that had me kicking my feet and crying buckets in chapter 56:

Alex: "He's even got scars behind his ears..."

Nic: "...WhAT?"

Alex: "I always thought you were completely different from him."

Nic: "WhAT abOUt NOw?"

Alex: "You suck."

Nic: "Heh."

"No need for you to answer the phone anymore. So what do you wanna do now? You can go back to being a prostitute, or keep chasing after my master. If you wanna keep playing diva, that's fine too. If you wanna break out of here, I'll make it happen."

Alex: "Hm..."

Nic: "ChoOSe wHAteVer yOu WAnt, bECaUse yoU'Re diffERenT fRoM Us."

Alex: "...Yeah."

When she reaches for him, Nic's reflex is to grab Alex's hand when he feels something approaching from behind. Then he notices her hand is injured from when he hurt her during his seizure. There are panels of him before this looking at blood under his nails, probably from digging them into Alex's hand. He lets go and signs, "Sorry." I want to point out, there's NO text box for this sign. I don't know any Japanese sign language other than "thank you" because this manga taught me that one. That's a lie, I also know "kill" which is sure to come in handy. But it's incredible how I know that he signed "sorry" without knowing the sign for it. They didn't put a text box for that sign and they didn't need to! So good. Peak. This is peak fiction I say unironically. They joke and banter while in a grim situation, and it's tooth-rottingly sweet.

Nic, who’s usually on guard, is completely relaxed now. He lets Alex caress him. Worick, who usually has a calm and cool facade on, is tense after his nightmare, unable to keep his usual mask up. He too, lets Alex caress him, and we get mirrored pages of Nic in the current moment and Worick from chapter 16. They trust her and Alex is trusting them after suffering abuse at the hands of others, growing closer to them. All three of them allow themselves to have some vulnerability with one another after living such harsh lives, constantly clawing to survive.

Then, Nic tells Alex to do whatever her heart desires. Whatever she wants, he'll make it happen. She's "different" and doesn't have to be stuck in this crappy cycle like them. But she looks a bit upset when he says this. Like she's mad he thinks they're doomed to live a hopeless existence and to suggest she abandon them for her own sake. I'm hoping that now Alex is mostly recovered from her withdrawals, we'll get to see more of her kindness with the boys and helping them in their time of need like they did for her.

They're so soft.........

I personally don’t perceive any of the intimate scenes we get throughout the manga as romantic. I don’t think there’s going to be a love triangle or that Alex is going to get paired up with one of the Handymen. Especially with the mirrored pages of Nic and Worick from Alex’s point of view in chapter 56 shows she loves them the same. I can understand why people would see these scenes as romantic, because honestly, they’re more “romantic” and emotional than a lot of romances out there. While talking to my friend, I jokingly referred to this as “platonic romance/romanticized friendship” where you love your homies and family so much and feel you’re able to bare your soul to them. I’m aware that Kohske-sensei has drawn old art of Nic and Alex as a couple, but that isn’t canon so I’m not counting it. You can ship your characters and not make them a couple in canon lol. But if she does go that route, I trust her to do it well.

Brief Shoutouts to Characters I Also Want to Talk About, But This Post Is Already Long Enough

Nina

I already talked about Nina in part one so I won’t say much more. But what’s up with her? Does she have some One Piece Haki powers or something??? Is there something you’d like to share with the class, Nina?

Theo

I’d like to think that Theo isn’t being as reckless with the experimental drug as it seems. We’ve seen that Theo is much kinder than he lets on. He obviously loves Nina (whenever he wraps his lab coat around her, it's so damn cute!!!) and he’s made it his mission to help the oppressed Twilights, even going as far as to make his own generic Cerebret which puts a target on his back. So yeah, Theo is great and I’m hoping he figures out a way to let Nic and the other Twilights live long, healthy lives. And there's a lot about Twilight biology that we don't know, and I hope Theo gets some answers. In particular, I'm curious about their psychology, especially after what happened with Delico and Monroe. And since a lot of the story leans towards a Worick-centric perspective, I want to know more about what Nic's thinking.

Marco and Constance

I want to say a lot but I’m still in mourning right now so I’m just gonna say — Marco, Connie, you guys were such badasses and deserved better… I know Marco was a war criminal but that wasn’t his fault and he’s a sweet guy now, so we’re going to overlook it!

Kohske-sensei, how could you… I actually thought they’d survive.

Loretta

You know the cliche line that goes like, “Someone’s gotta make the hard choices,” or whatever? Yeah, that’s basically what Gina is doing in the latest chapters when she’s refusing to open the guild’s doors to the civilian Twilights. The thing is, people who do this are never making the actual hard choice. What they’re doing is easy — just sacrifice people you don’t care about and turn the other way. Especially easy if you don't have a big guilty conscience. Yes, Gina makes some points about why, and she’s not wrong, but I stand by what I said.

But Loretta? Nah, my girl Loretta is making the real hard choices. Characters who make choices like Gina see two options: A) Help people and inconvenience myself/cause myself to fall with them. B) Oh well. It’s unfortunate but what can you do? — not Loretta though. Those options are unacceptable so she chooses “Option C”, also known as the actual hard choice.

“Option C” in any narrative (and in real life as well) is always the one that takes the most effort and the most commitment. You have to forge the path for “Option C” yourself. Loretta is going to have to put a ton of work in and stay on top of things if she’s going to have any chance of success. Thankfully, not only is she amazing, she’s wise enough to know she can’t do it alone and asks Gina to release Nic, Alex, Nina, and Theo so they can lend a hand.

LORETTA SWEETIE YOU’RE DOING AMAZING! When she was calling Gina out to “make the humane choice” with that look in her eyes, I was like, DAMN GIRL, GET HER ASS! I am rooting for you sis!!!

Veronica

Everyone seems to be blaming the Handymen, and Nic in particular for whatever happened to Veronica. We don't have much to work with, but part of me thinks that Nic and Veronica both had/have the bad habit of overdosing and it didn't end well for her. Like, she bit off more than she could chew and they both had self-destructive tendencies? Maybe... idk. When Gina shot Nic full of downers that one time, she did say, "I believe I've already told you to quit overdosing on Cerebret. Especially the uppers. Do you want to end up like Veronica?" I think Gina cares about him even if she would never admit it, dawww. There is more to it though, but we don't have enough info right now. And I need to stew on her for a while, so I don't have much to say at the moment.

Monroe

The way Monroe spoke about Delico was… a red flag. He likely did the same with Nic. In the Blu-ray extra manga, we see a bit of how he talks about Nic in a similar way when he was a child. Monroe isn’t much different than Gaston Brown. He’s a father figure who uses people, particularly Twilights, as tools/weapons. He’s abusive and manipulative. But his way of going about it is different. He’s won the affection of those he abuses because of his charm and giving a place of belonging and a support system to those who have nothing. These are common reasons why people join gangs in real life as well, but I won’t get into that here. It would be interesting to see more of how the Handymen’s relationship was with Monroe when they were younger. I wonder if they were to look back, would they start to realize signs of his manipulation from their childhoods with their current perspective?

Everyone else

Shoutout to everyone I didn’t name. I love a lot of the characters in GANGSTA. and those who I don’t love, I still find interesting. But, my shoulders hurt so let’s end it here.

I'm... Done...

I feel like I could have picked apart the characters more, panel by panel, and there's stuff in GANGSTA: Cursed, but I had to stop somewhere.

I'm super happy that I finished catching up to this series on chapter 56. I loved the chapter as I've made abundantly clear already, and I can't wait to see how things shake out. So many questions I want answered!

Godspeed, my son.

If you’ve made it this far… you’re a real one 🫡

[wundrousarts]

It’s officially 2023, meaning that Silverborn comes out this year!

I feel like the title is likely going to refer to something specific that we don’t know about yet, but here are some ways that silver has come up in the series and what it all might mean:

Nobility/The Rich + The Silver District

The description for Silverborn says that we'll "travel to places in Nevermoor that we've ever seen," and a lot of folks think that we'll be visiting the Silver District, which is where the rich reside. Some theories relating to this include:

— We could see Noelle again, which might be the character that we haven't seen in a while as teased by one of Jess's Instagram stories.

— Morrigan could come from nobility or a rich family. While she does come from some sort of wealth and privilege in Jackalfax due to Corvus's status as a politician, it doesn't really matter. Going with the Nevermoorian theory, perhaps Mog's mom comes from the Silver District. Additionally, Morrigan being from nobility could be another parallel with Lam.

— The [redacted] snippet could be a scene set somewhere in the Silver District. The redacted word was confirmed by Jess to be a surname, one that we haven't seen before. Perhaps it could be Mog's relatives on her Mom's side?

— Since the Silver District is where rich people live, it's likely a place where lots of Wundersmith monuments and etc. were commissioned. Morrigan might discover them and learn about some past Wundersmiths, and perhaps even run into a few Ghostly Hours on the way.

Another way that the "nobility" angle could come in, especially with it being something to be born into, could be Morrigan's status as a Wundersmith. Wundersmiths used to be put on a pedestal and even almost deified by the end of their time. Morrigan is born into this legacy and is starting to explore what it means.

The phrase about being "born with a silver spoon in your mouth" is one that's been thrown around since the title was announced, and refers to being born into a wealthy family. Perhaps it refers to Mog coming from a wealthy family, or perhaps it refers to her being born into the illustrious legacy of being a Wundersmith.

Additionally, while it's not something that people are born into (unless you count knacks, maybe?), the fact that Wunsoc folks have more privilege than other folks is definitely something we could see being explored more in this book and beyond.

Side note: Later in this post I discuss silver as it relates to inferiority. Perhaps if Morrigan goes to the Silver District and meets rich folk and/or Noelle, there'll be some sort of dynamic wherein Morrigan is just unintentionally superior to them in some way despite their wealth due to both her Wunsoc and Wundersmith status, and they are inferior because they lack these things.

Silver as it pertains to Witnesses

There are two moments where Witnesses have described a silver instance.

The first moment is this part in Wundersmith:

Jack looked at them a minute, frowning in concentration. ‘That loud one dressed as a clownfish would much rather be at home. Or somewhere else, anyway. There’s a … it’s like a thread, or something. Silver thread. Keeps trying to pull her right out the front door.”

The second moment is this part in Hollowpox:

Jupiter held the rabbit closer, examining every inch of fur, a frown deepening the crease between his eyebrows. “Her handprints are all over him. Cloudy silver smudges. Big hands, little hands. Hands a bit like yours. Twenty-odd years of them, layer upon layer.”

“Mog,” he said quietly. “I think, perhaps, this rabbit belonged to your mother.”

Silver relates to both a desire to be home or be elsewhere (the thread) along with the past and identity and ownership (the fingerprints). Here are some ideas for how this could apply to Silverborn and beyond:

— Morrigan is searching to learn more about herself, where she comes from, and where she belongs. She seeks to "return to her roots".

— She wants to properly "be at home," something she's been struggling with her whole life and is still trying to juggle with, even if it's not something she quite understands.

— We could learn more about Mog's Mom in this book, along with Mog's maternal family in general. See: the earlier thoughts about the [redacted] snippet.

— Squall is also someone longing to go home, because he wants to return to his beloved Nevermoor and the apprenticeship with Mog is a step towards that direction. I bet if a Witness looked at him, there'd be a silver thread pulling at him (towards Nevermoor?).

— When it comes to ownership, Morrigan is learning how to be a Wundersmith and take control of her powers and the history that come with them. As a teenager now, she's starting to figure out who she is and become her own person.

Silver as a key to Wunder

Morrigan's silver umbrella tip, given to her by Jupiter, is used to unlock the Hall of Shadows, which definitely seems wundrous, especially after we learn that Shadowmaking is a sub-art of Veil.

In Hollowpox, Jupiter gives her and Jack a silver key to unlock the frozen lake room so that they can ice skate. The room is as wacky and wundrous as the rest of the hotel. Morrigan makes a specific connection between the two things:

This wasn’t, after all, the first time that Jupiter had given her a slightly odd gift. It wasn’t the first time he had given her a key.

A memory came to her of a strange locked door on a quiet floor of the Hotel Deucalion. The tip of her oilskin umbrella—a birthday present from Jupiter—turning in the lock with a satisfying click. An enchanted lantern-lit room full of shadow-monsters within.

I just think it's interesting that twice now we've had something silver be a key to unlocking something Wundrous. I think we will probably see this continue.

Another line in the Silverborn description says "we'll meet people from Morrigan's past who will be very important in untangling the mystery of who she is." Perhaps whoever this is will be the key to unlocking Morrigan's past, whether it's related to Wundersmiths or her mother or both. "Key to unlock" and "important in untangling" feel like the same sentiment, just with different wording.

Silver as it relates to the Wintersea Republic

When Morrigan meets Maud, she sees this:

There was a double door made of dark wood, with an unusual set of silver handles that interlocked to form a large, ornate W.

Was she back at Wunsoc?

We quickly learn that the W stands for Wintersea and not Wundrous, but it's still interesting because it marks a clear distinction with the cool silver compared to the warm golden Wunsoc W.

The gold color related to Wunsoc comes from the golden color of Wunder, so perhaps the silver relates to the absence of Wunder in the Republic.

Some folks in the Discord brought up how silver has a connotation with second place and inferiority. Given how Squall helped create the Republic, this could make sense. It'll always be second place and less than his beloved Nevermoor, as it's just a temporary way for him to hold power until he returns. However, he's also the second most powerful person, as Maud is more powerful than him and even scares him.

I think that Maud and the Wintersea Republic are going to become more powerful and more important as we go into this second act of the story, and silver being associated with them is definitely something to keep in mind.

Silver + Secrets

Added 2/23/23

I'm currently rereading Nevermoor and have found some fun possible associations with keeping secrets and things being hidden that I wanted to share:

— Morrigan's umbrella unlocks the Hall of Shadows, which is in the renovated wing that she isn't supposed to be in

— Squall uses a silver scarf to hide his face on Hallowmas

— Expanding on the aforementioned silver Witnessing associations, being a Witness is essentially being able to see the secrets of people and things

Silver + Celestials

Added 7/22/23

Wrapped up my Wundersmith reread and found something fun.

— Jupiter receives a "note sealed with silver wax" from "the Celes-"

— This could mean that we might learn some more about Celestial Beings in Silverborn, or perhaps the term is related to them somehow

—— Could relate to a Celestial Being being born, someone born of a Celestial Being, or perhaps someone born under / during an important celestial event (cough cough Eventide)

—— Could also tie back to all the theories of Noelle's knack being related to, and even possibly stolen from, Celestials. Especially interesting since a lot of folks are hoping to see her again in the book.

— A side note: some of the emotions Mog describes in relation to Israfel's voice are reminiscent of some of the themes of family, longing, nostalgia, etc.

— Also: the Eventide phase on the Skyfaced Clock is referred to as “inky, star-strewn blackness”. If silver is related to Celestials and perhaps stars….. what if “Silverborn” is just another term for being born on Eventide?

[whateverthedragonswant]

So I thought this was interesting as I rewatched these scenes and I just have to talk about it for a second.

We all have talked about that 8x01 solar scene, that moment where Jon moves closer into Sansa's space, the tension, etc. But what I haven't seen talked about is the lack of something else:

(1:17-1:24 - can't clip it, sorry)

We know that Jon moves closer after Sansa confirms that yes, she does have faith in him. While this moving closer is meant to symbolize that the chasm between them (over Dany and the knee bending) is a little bit smaller in this particular argument, it also I think it symbolizes something else.

Not only is this the Jonerys version (meaning the setup) of the 8x01 scene for contrast, but notice how when Dany says she loves Jon, he reaches out and places his hands on her waist, pulling her closer.

(and this doesn't even include the cave scene in 7x04, the complete boat scene in 7x06, the crypts scene in 8x02, Dany ripping her arm out of Jon's grip in 8x03, the fireplace scene in 8x05, the throne room scene in 8x06 & the lack of touching in the goodbye scene in 7x05 VS the 6x10 forehead kiss, the arm grab in 7x01)

Remind you of something?

This was part of the "kind manipulation" Kit talked about in season 7 that Jon would utilize. When Sansa needed Jon to listen, she would make physical contact. Never inappropriately or with any type of manipulative intention behind it, but to get him to hear what she's saying.

Jon learned this from her and utilized it with Dany, and often. He starts using it in 7x06 in the boat scene, after he's seen what the dragons are truly capable of.

He uses it more and more as he embarks on a relationship with Dany. And we see it continually play out ever since that first hand grab in 7x06, right up until the end of the series. It should be noted that Jon does not initiate physical contact between he and Dany in 8x05 or 8x06 (because he knows she is beyond listening to reason at this point, even before the KL massacre).

The most ironic part of this whole thing is that Dany learns this from Jon and uses it quite often as well. Even right down the the 3 times she closes the space (attempts to bridge the growing chasm) between them, in 8x04, 8x05, and 8x06. The only time in those three episodes that Jon chooses to close the space between them is 8x04 (when she has her outburst about her claim to the IT).

The difference between Dany and Jon using this tactic is the intentions behind it. It is manipulative in their dynamic, but while Jon attempts to get Dany to listen and to temper her growing rage, Dany uses it to get him to listen, yes, but also to get him to do what she wants. Jon wants her to fight the NK with him so they can save the world; Dany wants the IT, Jon as another one of her lovesick lackeys, and no resistance.

So when we look at this tactic and how it plays out throughout the two relationship dynamics and in each scene, the fact that back in the 8x01 solar scene Jon does move closer to Sansa, yes, but when he tries to convince her that Dany will be a good queen, that he doesn't initiate physical contact...I think that's very telling. So telling that it's loud.

If Jon truly believed the bullshit he was selling about Dany being the greatest queen ever, we would have seen him trying to initiate some form of physical contact between them. Not to manipulate her but to get her to listen. Because that is the way it was used with him between them.

And notice how there is no physical contact between Jon and Sansa (other than the 8x01 hug and 8x06 hug) throughout the season. Neither initiates it and I think that is also very loud. While Sansa is angry (and rightfully so) in 8x01, she does confirm that she still does have faith in him and that eases things just slightly between them. She also gets the answer to her question in 8x02. Even though they have the argument in the 8x04 Godswood scene, when Jon says he's not a Stark, Sansa is the first to close the distance between them with Arya then following. In order to reassure him that he is a Stark. (something she didn't do in 6x10 though she told him the same thing, at the time Jon didn't need such a strong assurance and their relationship has grown since then) Even when Jon is upset in 8x06, he doesn't refuse her initiating the hug. While he doesn't embrace her back right away, he does give in and return the hug, even tightening it up and leaning into it (while also being a callback to the 6x04 hug).

Despite their differences seeing eye to eye at times, they do exactly what Jon asked Sansa to do in 6x10: trust each other. Even if she's angry with him for bending the knee. Even if she's heartbroken because Jon is involved with Dany. Even if she's afraid for him when he's going South. Even if he's upset that he had to kill Dany in order to protect her and is unsure of his choice (until Bran confirms for him that it's the right one), in the way that her telling his secret contributed somewhat to the events that occurred. Even if he was angry that she kept provoking Dany's ire (mostly unintentionally) and he had to keep tempering Dany's growing rage/her impulses as a result. They still trust each other.

So I think the lack of initiation of physical contact on both of their parts speaks very plainly but loudly. Neither were trying to manipulate the other, because that wasn't part of their dynamic. Neither were trying to get the other to listen because by the end of 8x02, both knew what was actually going on, what needed to be done, and they both trusted one another. (also notice how Sansa doesn't argue with Arya in 8x04 once Arya clarifies what she respects)

So if Jon really loved Dany and believed in her right to the IT, he would have done everything he could to get Sansa to listen (because Sansa was the "obstacle" that Dany herself couldn't get past). If Sansa really believed that Jon loved Dany and he was being led around by the nose in his blind infatuation with the woman, we would have seen her grab his hand or his arm again to get him to listen to her. We don't see any of that. (this is also because they were keeping Jon's real story line/Dany's dark turn hidden from the audience to have that whole big plot twist happen)

And it's especially telling (for Jon) when we see this scene:

He places his hand on her shoulder to get her to listen and about what? Sansa. Which Arya clocks immediately since she looks at his hand and then says "She doesn't like your queen, does she?" The fact that this part of the conversation doesn't happen until Jon puts his hand on Arya's shoulder tells us everything we need to know.

He's not attempting to manipulate Arya of course, but he's trying to get her to listen so by extension Sansa will listen in regards to Dany. And as we see, it doesn't work. Even when Jon tries the familiar playful jab at Sansa that these two used to share when they were younger. Arya instead asserts that Sansa is the smartest person she's ever met. And this surprises Jon because he's not expecting this reaction (as far as he knows, Sansa and Arya still have that sibling rivalry going on). "Now you're defending her? You?" And we see him remove his hand. It didn't work. And instead, we get Arya saying she and Sansa are defending their family, Jon saying he's her family too (and confirming that he's doing the same), Arya hugging him and telling him not to forget it. Arya is not trying to get him to listen to her by doing this, but they chose to have the line "Don't forget that" happen as she hugs him. And we see that this lands when Jon closes his eyes and leans more into Arya's embrace.

So this scene:

Is even more important. Not only for the two of them and their relationship dynamic but also for Jon's character.

And the Jonsa touches (I guess you could call them) are broken down like this:

6x04 - Sansa grabbing Jon's hand (Sansa initiates) - context: to get him to listen so they can go back and retake Winterfell from the Boltons (aka Winterfell equals safety)

6x10 - forehead kiss from Jon (Jon initiates) - context: Jon is asking Sansa for them to trust each other

7x01 - Sansa grabbing Jon's arm (Sansa initiates; Jon clocks it) - context: Sansa is trying to get him to listen, telling him that he needs to be smarter than Ned and Robb

(I didn't include the hugs in 6x04, 8x01, or 8x06 because I believe they speak on their own)

Now here is the Jonerys breakdown:

7x04 - Jon gently grasps Dany's elbow to move her over to see another drawing in the cave (Jon initiates) - context: he is trying to convince Dany that they need to work together to defeat the NK

7x06 - Jon taking Dany's hand (Jon initiates) - context: Jon is apologizing about Viserion, tells her he wishes he could take it back & that they'd never gone beyond the Wall, Dany moves her hand out of his grip and tells him she doesn't because she wouldn't have seen and she needed to see

7x06 - Dany taking Jon's hand (Dany initiates) - context: she is happy that he's (and through him, the North) bent the knee and then tells him "I hope I deserve it" which he says she does

7x07 - the boat sex scene (we don't know who initiates the physical but the first scene we see is with Dany in a dominant position over Jon) - context: Dany summoned Jon to her cabin (confirmed by the deleted scene), their boat is heading North to Winterfell to fight the NK & Dany has just lost a dragon and gained a "ceasefire agreement" from Cersei, they have sex while Tyrion creepily hangs out nearby and Bran talks about how Jon needs to know the truth

8x01 - the waterfall scene (Jon initiates on Dany's urging) - context: Jon brings Dany to a spot they used for hunting when he was younger, Dany is enamored with it, tells him to keep her warm, they kiss

8x01 - waterfall kiss part 2 (Dany initiates) - context: Dany playfully tells him not to be afraid after he broke the kiss hearing the dragons, they kiss (which Drogon suspiciously watches, that has Jon keeping one eye open and turning Dany so her back is to the dragons)

8x02 - the crypt scene (Dany initiates) - context: she is trying to figure out why Jon has been ignoring her, sees him staring at Lyanna's statue, talks about Lyanna and Rhaegar, and then Jon is tells her the truth about him

8x02 - Dany rips her arm away from Jon (Jon initiates) - context: Dany has just learned the truth about Jon

8x03 - Dany rips her arm out of Jon's grip (Jon initiates; Dany clocks it) - context: Jon wants her to wait for the NK like planned but she refuses (aka impulse)

8x04 - Dany tells Jon she loves him (Jon initiates though Dany is the one to initiate the undressing) - context: Dany has just told Jon that she loves him, they kiss, and Jon moves them away from the fireplace

8x04 - Jon bends the knee and tries to reassure Dany (Jon initiates) - context: Dany is worried that he will take her claim to the IT & he reassures her that he'll refuse

8x04 - Dany grasps Jon's face (Dany initiates) - context: Dany demands that he not tell anyone who he really is (Jon gets up and breaks the contact)

8x04 - Dany takes Jon's hand (Dany initiates; Jon clocks it) - context: Dany says she wants it to be the way it was between them after she has just begged him not to tell anyone who he really is

8x04 - Jon covers Dany's hand with both of hers (Jon initiates it) - context: Jon tells her that he has to tell Sansa and Arya the truth about who he is

8x04 - Dany rips her hand out of Jon's (Jon initiates) - context: Dany is not happy that Jon wants to tell Sansa the truth because she says Sansa will want to see her gone and Jon on the IT

8x04 - Dany puts her hand on Jon's upper arm to pull him closer (Dany initiates) - context: Dany is begging him not to tell anyone (gets choked up)

8x04 - Jon grasps Dany's face (Jon initiates) - context: he says they can all live in harmony together, that she is his queen and nothing will change that and the Starks are his family (Dany stone cold, the emotion from before absent, tells him that she's just told him how they can live together, they both break the hold, and she walks away)

8x05 - the fireplace scene (Dany initiates) - context: Varys has just been executed for treason, Dany is not happy because Sansa told Jon's secret even though Dany warned Jon that would happen, Jon tells her he loves her and that she is his queen, she asks if that's all she is to him, they kiss (which Dany initiates), Jon breaks it, Dany moves back and states that all she has now is fear

8x06 - the throne room scene (Dany initiates) - context: Dany has just massacred KL while GW and the Unsullied continue to massacre unarmed Lannister soldiers, Jon confronts her about this, Dany asks him to be with her to make a new world, Dany kisses him, Jon does what he has to do

Quite a difference when comparing the two different relationship dynamics. So this ultimately shows that Jon's lack of initiating physical contact with Sansa once he returns to Winterfell, when trying to convince her that Dany will be a good queen, that she's their queen now, etc, is all very telling.

Jon knew Dany wasn't a good queen and that she wouldn't ever be. He hoped to keep Sansa safe (and by extension the Starks and the North) and that he could turn the tide with Dany, since she was family to him now. I think he planned to look out for her from that aspect while also trying to temper her impulses. From what he says to Tyrion in 8x06, he knew Tyrion's (and by extension Varys') counsel wasn't always a good one for her, either. They all knew Dany wasn't it, even before any of them knew who Jon really was. Dany was the best option (until Jon) they thought they had, willing to look the other way when she did questionable things, until it was right in front of their faces and they couldn't ignore it anymore.

So had Jon believed the best of her, he would have done everything he could to convince Sansa, in that solar scene as well as the rest of the time he was in Winterfell. And he didn't. That right there tells us all we need to know about Jon and his faith in Dany's ability to be a good ruler. Case closed.

[etheriadearie]

Shadow Weaver’s Death, Her True Abusiveness, And Her Final, Beautiful, Gift To Catra

::The resistance fighters stand in the failsafe chamber. Catra has just called Shadow Weaver out on her manipulation. Shadow Weaver reluctantly explains the danger of the failsafe, and then implores Adora to take it: even if she fails, Shadow Weaver says, she will save her friends, and the universe. As literally every other person in that room cries out against Adora taking the risk, Adora turns and says she will do it. Catra, dismayed, runs to her telling her that Shadow Weaver is sacrificing her, and demands to know why she's letting her do that. Adora tells Catra "Because even if she is, it's better than Prime getting the Heart and destroying the universe." Catra trembles in deathly fear, her face consumed in terrible realization: if Adora does as SW wishes, she will die. Shadow Weaver is trying to kill Adora. She knows this to her very soul, because... she is Shadow Weaver... And Adora is letting it happen…

Hi there, my name is Joel, and in this segment I'll be looking at Shadow Weaver's death, her being a child abuser, her terrible manipulations of Catra and Adora and the monstrous pains the two girls have to conquer to save themselves from her.

The main premise I'll be trying to explain here is that, like Horde Prime, Shadow Weaver is a villain of utmost seriousness. And, like Horde Prime, the girls will treat her as one, surpassing and defeating her once and for all. But it won't be with violence, but instead with love, creating a beautiful story of two people transcending their trauma and hurt through coming together over their love for one another.

I feel obliged to warn readers: this post will cover child abuse, even predatation (*not sexual, ie). It may be hard to read. Also warning: tl;dr, please consider at least sitting down to read this!

Finally, I know there are Shadow Weaver fans out there; that's good. Shadow Weaver is, at times, cool af. But, definitively a terrible person within the plot of the show.

So, even if you're a fan of Shadow Weaver, I still encourage you to read along because as we reveal her truth and the damage she deals to Catra and Adora, it makes her final moment so, so much more beautiful… and it gives entirely new meaning to her final... two… words….

Disclaimer time: Taking on Shadow Weavers death is ambitious for a first post, I know. But understanding her is crucial to understanding most of the major moments in this show. Still, I should say here that while this may seem a bit ‘head’ canon-y, I assure you my conclusions come from watching the show carefully and referencing the entirety of the rest of the show back to this one moment. I'm instead positing these as theories, and let's just say I feel I have the data, and Data Never Lies! Please *do* ask questions or seek calcifications in the comments or Ask me anything (I'm new to Tumblr).

----Part 1: Catra, Micah, and the Truth----

To start this journey we will travel backwards in the series to investigate the what and why of the terrible child abuse Catra suffered growing up under Shadow Weaver's care. We will be looking chiefly at the Light Spinner episode in the 2nd season. We will cover Catra's confrontation and SW's -supposed- explanation for her abuse, then the tale of Micah and Shadow Weaver's manipulation of him, and then the terrible truth of why Catra -really- was abused.

>A terribly alone Catra asks her abusive mother why she did it. Why did she treat her so badly ?

Shadow Weaver answers: "Because you remind me of myself. You always have. Nothing was ever easy for me either. I wasn't born to power like Adora and... others. I had to earn my power, fight for it. Why should it be any different for you?"

This is a very typical reason for an abuser to feel they are acting out their abuse on others: no one in this world understands my pain, so therefore I will inflict my pain upon a child so that they will know my pain as well. For many people this is essentially the truth of their abusers. I can't see any other reason for MY abusers to do what they did, other than this. It is, however, not the truth about Catra. We will discuss this in detail later.

We then watch as Catra does a very strong and eloquent job of rejecting and condemning it. She shows great emotional pain as she does so, and we know that her trauma is severe from watching her. Catra exclaims, her face full of emotional hurt and pain at Shadow Weaver's betrayal: "I was a child when you took me in. What could I have possibly done to deserve the way you treated me? I am nothing like you. You are old, and bitter, and weak."

Everything she says is perfectly true. As a child, there is no way she could have deserved the abuse Shadow Weaver inflicted on her. There never is. And she's also right when she says she's not anything like Shadow Weaver. Where Shadow Weaver is an unfeeling monster (as we will see), Catra feels deeply. Catra is inherently good, and while she will make terrible mistakes to come, she feels intense remorse. Shadow Weaver simply does not.

So, Shadow Weaver gives Catra a believable reason for the abuse, which, again, is a lie. But... there is meaning which we need to take from her choice of words: Shadow Weaver feels others, like Adora and Micah, are given an unfair advantage over people like herself. We will come back to this important insight soon...

Before we get to the real, harsh truth of why Catra was abused, we need to understand the tale of Micah and ‘Light Spinner’-‘s manipulation of him to get power.

>The story of Micah seems to be full of whimsy and childlike innocence. A young boy is talented beyond his years, a true prodigy. SW trains him, giving him access to teachings beyond what a sorcerer of his age should have. She tells him he's special, a true talent, like her. When she tells him "the guild needs talents like OURS more than ever before" she manipulates him, making him feel apart, better than all the other students and teachers, and that only SW can understand. It's SW's greatest talent: dividing people against each other, and this is part of her lifelong manipulation of Catra and Adora. Note: Castaspella accuses SW of mind controlling Micah (s5e8) to which SW responds "My gifts were always far subtler than that” - SW controls young Micah through mind games.

>SW hints of something of great importance, but then says "you're not ready". Micah demands to know, he's a special boy after all, right? He's so incredibly naive and innocent, doing things like chewing on magic crystals and acting out in class. He is, in fact, exactly the kind of privileged child who SW so greatly hates. This is where we get real meaning out of SW's supposed explanation for abusing Catra: Micah has inborn power that SW feels he is unworthy of possessing...

She preys upon his naiveness, showing him the Horde army. He, of course, demands they be stopped, and he's playing right into her hands. When she tells him the plan and of the upcoming meeting she tells him "I only hope that Norwyn and his followers can see the threat as clearly as YOU do." Again, she is making him feel apart, as though he's better than others. After all, he's a special little prodigy, right ?

SW gives her presentation at the council, trying to prey upon their fear by saying that the Horde have a rune stone. As she speaks of the spell of obtainment, her eyes are full of lust at the idea of so much power. But it is forbidden, and for good reason. As she looks over her shoulder at Norwyn her look is severe, accusing. She has no respect for him. And he's right to say that the problem will be handled: the war, in fact, does become a stalemate and stays that way all the way up until we are first introduced to Catra and Adora. Angrily, greedily, she demands they get power so they can 'have a planet to protect'.

She fails to convince them, but of course Micah sees her leaving the meeting, angry and frustrated, so he comes to her aide. "They never listen to me. After all I've done I still haven't earned their trust". Again, SW is set apart from them. When she says "they just want to hold the rest of us back" she's including Micah, making him feel separate, better, like her. She's indoctrinating him in her plan.

>We get a scene between Catra and SW here, where Catra tries to get SW to give her a reason to save her. All SW wants to know is when she's being sent to Beast Island: she realizes she has to escape that night. She sets out to manipulate Catra into giving her the reagent she needs to escape. SW talks up how weak and powerless she is, preying on Catra's lingering pity, desire for connection. A emotionally desperate Catra unfortunately gives it to her. Catra tells her "you don't get to ask things of me anymore" but she's desperate and depressed, feeling totally alone after so recently seeing Adora and consequently nearly dying the episode before, only to be saved by Scorpia's caring about her.

>And apprehensive Micah asks SW if she's sure this is a good idea. She tells him "WE need this power, it's the only way to protect our people". It's a lie, but Micah thinks he's special because he's SW's apprentice, and so he agrees to do it.

As the spell begins to work, we see a terrifying eldritch horror type of creature summoned. It soon breaks free even as Micah helps SW try to contain it. SW acts surprised to see it, but she always knew this spell. Micah runs, and SW stays, yelling angrily at Micah for leaving. She experiences fear as it consumes her, but she knows it's part of getting her power. This is the price she pays to become powerful. She tells Micah he betrayed her by abandoning her and yet, what other possible outcome was there but for them BOTH to be destroyed or corrupted? Norwyn tries to stand up to her, telling her "bringing you into our ranks was a grave mistake". She counters calling him a fool. "You're all weak. None of you deserve my help".

I often see people say this show doesn't show death, but what happens next is undeniably so: it is murder. She annihilates two sorcerer's in one hit, consumes the head sorcerer to give her more magical power. It is pure evil. As she realizes her new power she exclaims "The spell worked. I am stronger than ALL of you." She menaces Micah.

This. Was. Always. The. Plan. The spell worked, she says so herself. Micah tries to defend himself weakly against her, he's entirely at her mercy. He expects death, but instead she caresses his cheek, touches his ear. Then she gives him a look of disdain. It's no mistake she covers half her face even at this point in her history, so we can't know her full emotions. But it's clear, she condescends to him: he was a naive little pawn, not meant to survive, or at minimum, he was supposed to become corrupted like her. But it doesn't matter. She got what she wanted. So she leaves him to live knowing what he's done. The tale of ‘Light Spinner’ has ended: her better persona was just an illusion, useful in her goal of obtaining more power. An empowered Shadow Weaver then shows up at the Fright Zone, killing the guard as a demonstration of power. She declares herself for Hordak, and at least a partial truth is apparent: she wanted the vampiric power so she could channel the Black Garnet. Changing sides bothers SW not at all.

I point out SW’s violence because it is the only time they show any graphic death in this show, and it's therefore meant to show that SW is different, and dangerous. There really was no ‘Light Spinner’, as at multiple moments during her time at Mystacor her true emotions show through (such as pic1, top) and they are both vile and malicious, to put it lightly. Furthermore, note that SW going to the Horde doesn't end up ensuring their victory over the princesses, so yes, in fact, SW was lying to Micah all along. Last, keep in mind Micah’s opinion of her later on: SW is never to be trusted.

Now it's time to get back to the real reason Catra was abused and it's important implications for Adora's abuse as well.

>The scene following Catra's confrontation with SW, we see baby Adora having just arrived in the Fright Zone. SW walks past her, not particularly interested... and yet she sees something in her. And so she takes interest. She knows, in some way, that Adora will wield powerful magic, and since it also becomes clear to us that SW knows all about the past history of She-ra and the Heart of Etheria, it's a logical jump to say she probably thinks Adora is She-ra. Either way, Adora is a powerful orphan child with inborn talent beyond any normal expectation.

Sound familiar? The tale of Micah is there to inform this moment: SW meeting baby Adora. She is in a position to wield ultimate control over a magically privileged child. And the implications are not good...

Apologies to readers here, this next part is intense. Just a quick warning. The total implication of this is that SW never loved Adora, just like she didn't care about Micah. It is all manipulation, and it should be noted that at this point SW has switched to a full mask, conveniently hiding all emotion except a sliver of her eyes (as well as hiding her corrupted features). It's now almost entirely impossible to accurately read her emotions. I don't think she wants you to, as she really has no feelings of actual compassion. She only sees Adora as a privileged child she will use and then discard for her own power.

This means she is, in fact, a child predator. In this case, she's a predator of children of privilege, but the effect is the same: she sees such children as easy targets for her to manipulate for her own gain. Worse, the strong emotional feelings which Adora naturally feels towards those around her makes her easier to control, and SW manipulates this vulnerability against her, as a child and then again as they are headed for the failsafe.

So, returning to the real truth of why SW abused Catra. Let's take a look back at Catra’s condemnation of SW's explanation for her abuse, and it's just one line we need to understand: "I was a child, what could I have possibly done to deserve the way you treated me?" As it turns out, Catra -did- do something, and you have to adore and appreciate this show because we don't get this answer until the very end. Before season 5 was available, it would simply be impossible to understand Catra's story fully. The creators want you to come full circle of so many understandings, the story is that deep.

It's that one, beautiful, follow on line when Catra confesses her love to Adora- She says "I always have"...

Adora was Shadow Weaver's tool, her next prey. So, along comes Catra, who experiences romantic love for Adora right from the start. Beautiful, total love and devotion. SW sees this, and she decides that she can't let Catra be a hindrance to her plans. And yet she knows she can't kill Catra outright or risk losing Adora's affection. So she hurts Catra, tries to make her weak, to diminish her. She is trying to crush Catra's spirit, her will to live, all while making sure to instill a sense of duty and ambition in Adora which makes her less available to Catra. The abuse works, but not on Catra. Catra stays loyal to Adora, and is so secretly strong within herself in such a way that SW fails to destroy her spirit, although Catra has such incredible trauma from it that we see her struggle with it throughout the rest of the series.

But the abuse does work on Adora and so she grows apart from Catra in such a way that Catra eventually comes to feel Adora doesn't love her. And when Adora so clearly breaks the final half of the promise she made to Catra, Catra too, grows apart from Adora.

Catra therefore represents a person in this story who would have been so entirely below SW's notice that had she not loved Adora the way she did, SW would never have taken the time to hurt her. It wouldn't have been worth her time, and Catra would have had a happy(ish) childhood if not for loving Adora. By the way, this truth of SW's abuse of Catra is indeed confirmed in the show, but we don't have time to cover it here and it deserves its own theory post, anyways.

Before we get back to s5 let's take a brief moment to address SW's abuse of Adora: Adora is the kind of person who can't help but empathetically feel the pain of others when they feel it, and it's what makes her to be so unable to balance her own needs against those of others who are hurting. And so SW making Adora have ambition, to want to win at the expense of others, is actually a frightening manipulation. SW teaches Adora to believe she has to do this in order to be the leader, and then as the leader she must protect everyone else from harm. Adora goes on to show great emotional confusion over this, as she doesn't really feel she’s qualified to be that leader. It makes her feel alone from everyone else, and makes Adora worry about every decision she makes. SW essentially saddles Adora with a lonely burden of leadership, one which she's not well suited for. Adora has a very ADHDish (I’m no expert on ADHD) response to this where she bounces around trying to satisfy everyone else’s feelings, such as within their unit, and so her relationship with Catra suffered because of this.

To sum up, the abuses SW inflicts on the two of them results in their division from each other, and it's a division which tries to tear down both girls spiritually throughout this series. They each have specific traumas relating to Shadow Weaver's abuse of them. These are different, damaging fears SW instilled in each of them to make them easier to control. Because of this, both girls contribute to their separation to the two different sides of the war, and it's only through the great emotional learning of each of them that they are able to start putting it back again in season 5. And so, we will see that when SW returns in season 5, she immediately tries to pick up where she left off… to drive them apart from each other and manipulate them, once again, for her own gain.

Side note #2 before we get back to season 5: SW has a complete and total lack of love for Catra as well. Her callous manipulation of Catra, followed by leaving the fright zone like she did, was a spiritual blow and then a death sentence for Catra. SW would know this and yet she simply did not care. Furthermore, when they meet in Moment of Truth (s3ep4), SW again tries to kill Catra, only stopping short because Glimmer can't withstand the magical drain SW is taking from her. She's just not good people... And if she has such a total lack of love or compassion for Catra, it's a logical jump that she has just as little love and feeling for Adora.

Anyways... let's work on that season 5, phew, I know this is long. We're not done yet, though...

----Part 2: The present up till SW’s Death----

Alright, so returning back to season 5 where we began...

Catra is certain that SW is killing Adora. And the reason Catra is so certain of this is because she understands this fundamental truth behind the childhood abuse of of her and Adora. She knows that SW intended to use Adora, and was grooming her in order to use her to gain more power. And, she knows the true nature of SW’s abuse of Catra herself, that it was meant to destroy her so she wouldn't get in the way of SW using Adora.

How exactly Catra knows this I won't cover here, it would take too long and it deserves its own theory post. But, it is pretty well confirmed in the show as well. No distractions! Moving on...

So… when Adora tells Catra she will take the failsafe even though SW is killing her, it's Catra’s knowledge that SW is for certain doing this to Adora which leads Catra to shake in fear, and then refuse Adora once she returns with the failsafe. This moment goes much deeper than just Catra knowing she can't live without Adora, although that is also true.

Ok so here it is, the big theme we will now delve into, that explains so much:

The all important, crucial thing that Catra isn't seeing is that in order for SW to sacrifice Adora, it is entirely dependent on abusive manipulations is SW doing to both of them, starting from the moment they first see SW in season 5, which are intended to make sure Adora doesn't survive deploying the failsafe.

I know it's a tough implication to accept, but I promise to explain. So why? Why would SW not want Adora to survive? This, atleast, should be obvious: She-ra could stop SW once she has the power, so She-ra is an enemy that SW needs to eliminate to achieve ultimate power. So, SW's goal is to get Adora to bring the failsafe to the heart, but then be too weak to survive the process... leaving SW the uncontested champion by her magical vampiric powers. And so... SW manipulates the two girls, doing her most familiar trick: driving them apart, making them feel isolated from each other.

Her manipulations begin from the very moment Catra and Adora see her in season 5, and they continue up until Adora accepts the failsafe and a bit beyond.

So let's lay this out from the beginning, shall we? Episode 10: When SW walks into the room, saying she knows where the failsafe is, Catra is at first surprised at her appearance, she's thrown off guard. Catra very much wanted to stop SW once and for all, but never got the chance. And now, the new, more feeling Catra is faced with her oldest enemy: she can't hide her hatred and anger at her. It pretty much takes everything she's got not to violently attack her right there and then. But this new Catra isn't going to sink to that low. And yet... SW will intentionally aggravate and attack Catra to reactivate her trauma.

What I find very interesting about that scene, though, is that both Glimmer and Adora immediately look to Catra, knowing she will be upset, both trying to help her. And yet, it's Glimmer who looks first.

Even though Glimmer never says it out loud, Glimmer knows SW played and manipulated Glimmer herself, and that her manipulations were ultimately the reason that Glimmer made the mistake of activating the Heart, which brought Horde Prime's fleet down upon Etheria. Glimmer also watched SW torture and almost kill Catra in s3ep4, so I think Glimmer knows very well how dangerous SW is and how badly she's hurt Catra in the past. Instead, we can take the story of Glimmer and SW as another stand out example of how, once again, we saw SW manipulate someone, Glimmer in this case, with no concern for her well being.

>Adora is also thrown off by SW's reappearance, she doesn't enjoy seeing her either. But then, she also sympathetically looks to Catra, knowing this is a hurtful moment for her. All of this is to say that Catra actually has strong allies against SW, unlike in the past. And it's very important that Adora is such a staunch ally to Catra against SW, in fact it's everything. But, Adora doesn't quite do a good enough job in showing Catra how strongly aligned she, too, is against SW. Unintentional though it may be, as we will see.

>Episode 11: Continuing on, Glimmer immediately opposes SW's desire to use the heart's power. Castaspella tries to say SW is the lesser of evils, but of course, Castaspella is just a pawn. Catra jumps on Casta's words, calling SW evil... SW taunts her back mockingly and we see Catra's anger start to get out of control. But, Adora knows, one way or another, that SW is the root of all of Catra's pain, and so she comforts her, showing her that she sees her pain, and that she's got her back.

Again, it's very important that Adora is Catra's greatest ally against SW, as she has learned to treat SW as a de facto enemy because she has seen the pain and torment Catra experienced because of SW’s abuse; in addition to her own knowledge of how SW manipulated herself as a child.

>Adora confronts SW, asking why she even needs their help getting the failsafe. SW answer is a lie, but plays to her manipulation of Casta, who she needs: she says she can't get past Micah. (Note: who she actually needs is Adora.) As SW tells her plan she leans into Adora's emotional fears of letting others get hurt and reminds Adora she has to be the hero, SW even touches Adora, which we see Catra react angrily to. But, SW successfully manipulates Adora into accepting her plan, and Catra can't stand to watch it as she knows it must somehow be a dangerous manipulation. Catra quietly leaves to try to process her anger. We then see Adora slap SW's hand away, showing defiance, but as Catra has left, she probably doesn't see that. Adora looks around and sees that Catra is gone, which SW responds to by trying to manipulate her into leaving Catra behind, as she knows Adora is more vulnerable without Catra around. But Adora is wary of SW's manipulations, and goes after Catra. SW is aggravated by this.

>The two girls have a very good, emotional talk about SW. Catra is dismayed, but Adora is always brave for others, so she tells her she's got to try. Adora acknowledges Catra's pain, their pain, from SW's abuse. Ultimately Adora convinces Catra to come. Together, Adora says SW can't hurt them anymore. Catra reminds Adora how dangerous SW is, but the girls have reaffirmed their bond, their promises to each other. Which is important later, as this will come up again.

>As they infiltrate Mystacore, Catra is apprehensive and stays at the back. But as the mission progresses she drifts towards the front, trying to be the lookout so she can protect Adora. This, unfortunately, puts her in physical proximity to SW when they check the ritual chamber. Catra checks the chamber, but then a sorcerer appears out of nowhere (literally, how??) and SW grabs her in a way that's very reminiscent of s1ep2, traumatizing her.

I can't help but conclude SW is being intentionally hurtful in order to unnerve Catra. She could have just pointed, or put her hand to Catra's mouth, after all. Catra throws herself away from SW, demanding she not touch her, and makes the mistake of dropping the spell and revealing their presence. Look closely at this scene and you see Adora actually shows great anger, even violent intent towards SW for doing this to Catra, but it's so quick Catra probably doesn't see it, as she's staring down SW instead.

Under a track, Adora tries to become She-ra, but she's too emotionally conflicted since the episode before when they returned to the Fright Zone and Adora started to realize she's been letting Catra down, leaving her hanging. And SW's hurting of Catra also blocks Adora, she's trying to help Catra and yet she's accepting SW's guidance again, which she knows Catra hates and doesn't trust.

>As they pass through the door and continue down a corridor, Adora sees Catra is in emotional pain and holding herself, so she lends her emotional support. She knows SW touching her was incredibly abusive. She tells Catra that it'll be ok, and to trust her, hitting her with her dearest look of love and care for her. She knows SW is Catra's enemy, and she's got her back. Catra looks back, trying to trust her, to put her fear aside. But the moment is cut short when SW interrupts them, guilting Catra for revealing their presence. Adora walks on, saying they have to keep moving, and her face says she's doing it to stop SW from talking to Catra, but again, Catra doesn't see Adora's face. Catra feels left behind, that the moment was cut short. It's by the barest off margins Catra is missing how strongly Adora is coming down against SW for her sake.

> We get more information about SW's corruption next, that it's a way to bypass the crystal of Arxia and get at Heart of Etheria's energy, and we know this because it's discussed immediately after Castaspella tells them about the crystal of Arxia. So, if the magic is released, SW will have practically unlimited power. SW just mocks Casta when she tries to guilt SW over using the spell, she gives no apology. We see both Catra and Glimmer seemingly have a deeper realization about SW and her powers and that both of them look disturbed by it.

>Continuing on, we get the scene where Catra saves Adora from fire, which is so cute but I'll skip the romantic implications: as Catra walks through the fire, Adora stops and frets over not knowing what to do about Catra, how to give her what she wants. Adora is worried she's going to fail, that she could die. It's Adora's biggest, lifelong fear as the bearer of She-ra, and she struggles with it continuously throughout the series. To her, it therefore doesn't make sense to her to get Catra's hopes up too soon.

>Adora's thoughts naturally turn to her inability to transform... and SW pounces on the opportunity in order to exploit it.

Consider now, if Adora's problem is becoming She-ra, why does SW immediately give her a hard time about Catra, instead? Adora rejects SW's criticism, but SW flips the conversation telling Adora she can't be a weak She-ra and seemingly blaming it all on Catra. She tells Adora that her weakness means she's letting everyone else down. SW tells her she has to focus, and Catra makes her weak. This is terribly the opposite of the truth and SW knows this. What she’s really doing is a deep manipulation of Adora that leans on her early abuse of her: Adora has to be perfect for everyone else, and as she's the only one who can do it, she's totally alone in this burden. The truth is that Adora has always needed other people, that's where she draws strength from. Catra loves Adora simply for who she is: she represents the strongest, smartest and most dedicated person, ie, she's the most powerful person to help Adora with her emotional need for support.

Which SW knows, so she does her best to try to separate them, to make Adora think she's alone. SW does this by grouping Catra with everyone else: save everyone, or no one. Then she delivers a direct assault of Adora spiritually by saying "the world needs She-ra right now, not Adora". She's telling Adora that she doesn't matter, only She-ra matters, and she needs to be willing to give it all up to be that hero. We see Adora search SW's face, she's not satisfied and then she does her best to reject her, pulling her hand away in anger while saying she will stop Prime “no matter what.” Catra is eavesdropping on this, but can't see that Adora stands up to SW so strongly... as usual. Catra knows SW is up to no good with it, though. Doubt takes root in Adora, and it aggravates her fears that she's not good enough to be She-ra.

>Arriving at the failsafe chamber, SW gives away just how much she already knows about the Heart. SW explains the failsafe, and so we know she always planned on getting Adora to accept the failsafe, risking it all. Adora approaches, trying to be brave for everyone else.

One of Catra's most important moments follows: she stops Adora from accepting the failsafe, and calls SW out for her bullshit. She's not going to let Adora walk into a trap when she knows better. Catra flips it on SW, telling her to take the failsafe, making SW tell them why it's dangerous, why SW won't do it herself. She points out how SW knows too much, yet didn't pursue the power of the failsafe. Catra is totally certain that SW wants to hurt Adora, and so she's calling her out to get SW to reveal her manipulation of Adora.

SW instead tries to guilt Adora, saying she alone understands that this is the only way to stop Prime. But Catra stands firm, she protects Adora from SW's manipulation as best she can.

Confronted and trapped by Catra's having seen through her plan, we see literally every person in the room ally themselves against SW. SW is forced to admit the truth: using the failsafe will mean death even for She-ra, if she isn't strong enough.

And so Adora realizes what's coming, that She-ra is the only one who can do it. She's terrified and sad at the thought that this could, will, be her end; that she really will have to give it all up for everyone else. She's always thought she'd have to. It's a deep held belief that she's alone in her burden as She-ra.

Adora asks the obvious question: What happens if I die? SW's next words prey upon Adora's every weakness, her lack of belief in her self worth, and innate need to protect others: "Then the magic will be restored to Etheria, through your sacrifice. You will give us the power to bring us to victory. Prime will be defeated. Your friends will be free." SW is listing out every last thing that will happen if Adora doesn't do it, and each is a part of her greatest fears. Adora is unable to resolve between her distrust of SW and need to protect and be brave for everyone else's sake. SW has her trapped by her own emotions.

Catra looks on, watching the manipulation, seeing the consequences of Adora attempting this. Everything about this moment speaks to manipulations SW has used on Adora before: she preys on emotional need and weakness, she isolates Adora in her burden, she even does the dreaded ear touch. If Adora does what SW says, Catra knows it'll be the death of her.

As SW completes her manipulation, everyone in the room cries out against the unfair decision Adora must make. And yet, Adora doesn't see a choice. Catra puts it best, saying: "you don't care about Adora, Adora can't even care about herself!"

But Bow's words also have meaning: "Theres no way we're risking Adora like that." For all that Bow and Glimmer have done for Adora, she's still supposed to be the champion that's going to save them. They need things from her, not simply Adora as herself. All in all, Bow and Glimmer did their absolute and kindest best to help Adora, often emotionally supporting her through her depressions and fears of not being a good She-ra. But in the end, they still needed her to be She-ra.

But Catra is different, all she wants is Adora, and for her to be safe and loved, and ideally, to be with her. Catra's opinion in this moment is the true one, the most honest. But Adora can't overcome the thought of failing everyone, and so she pushes forward, saying she will take the failsafe.

Adora is feeling alone, trapped by fate. Catra runs to her, literally shaking her in order to try to convey how sure she is that Adora is going to die if she does this. But Adora can't let the universe die, and she's She-ra. She (Adora) doesn't matter. It's only what she can do to try to fix things for others that matters, her hero's burden. Adora pushes Catra's hands off her, in a lifetime of pain and sorrow Catra has never looked so sad. Adora really is pushing her away, not seeing how seriously Catra feels, how badly she needs Adora to understand her in this moment. A dissociated Adora looks internally, accepting her fate, alone again, isolated.

Maybe Catra could have found a way to get through to Adora, but they run out of time. A chipped Micah shows up and begins to systematically defeat them, and Adora has no more time to choose. SW is easily taken down by Micah, it shows his anger at her. He taunts her, she's got nowhere to hide. This is interesting, but not our focus..

Adora again tries to summon She-ra and fails. She simply can't resolve between her sense of failure to Catra and her need to be brave for everyone else. She looks to Catra, decides to do the brave thing as herself, not as She-ra, even if it means she will fail, and hurt Catra. After all, since she’s She-ra, she has to try, right? This is her burden.

As SW turns to Adora and says "the failsafe... we... we can't" Adora is pressed by urgency, doing what she can. Catra tries one last desperate plea: "Please. It doesn't always have to be you!" Adora can't accept this, internally she is certain she has to save everyone. Even if this includes SW herself, and so when Catra later says Adora chose SW, not her in this moment, Catra is right, except that Adora believed she had no choice. Adora is also the only one in this moment who can reach the failsafe, and so it seems like fate is against her. Adora knows she's probably choosing to die, and if she does, she knows Catra will probably die of a broken heart as well. She really does choose SW over Catra, in a way. It's a tough moment, but taking the failsafe is the right thing to do, given the circumstances.

Receiving the failsafe is intense, and as Adora tries to withstand it, Micah binds the entire party with dark magic. Interestingly, this means SW indoctrinated Micah more than we're shown, and now that he's chipped, he is uninhibited.

Adora sees everyone is in danger, if she doesn't come through now it's all over. It gives her that singular focus she needs, summoning She-ra is easy because if she doesn't, Catra, all of them, are about to die.

Failsafe achieved, Micah vanquished, Adora offers Catra her hand, she's trying to show Catra she's there for her, they are together. But Catra rejects her, she's too sure that SW has won, that Adora will die. In this moment all the old trauma Catra carries is too strong, and SW has unnerved her too greatly. As Catra runs from her, Adora realizes that Catra was trying to tell her something deeper, but somehow she's missed it.

>Catra watches Adora sleep, she's emotionally distraught at the thought of her dying. So, she tries to sneak away. Adora finds out, and manages to confront Catra before she can leave. This is one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful scenes about love in this show, but I'll just cover how SW's manipulations come into play...

>Adora tackles Catra, and demands she explain why she’s leaving. Catra throws SW's words back at Adora, that she's a distraction, that she makes Adora too weak to be She-ra. Catra knows this was a unfair manipulation by Shadow Weaver, but she couldn't see, only hear, what happened between Shadow Weaver and Adora. She doesn't know that Adora rejected Shadow Weaver so strongly, both spiritually and by violently pulling away from her. Adora tries her best to get Catra to see that she's not doing this because of Shadow Weaver's manipulation, that she's trying to rise above SW's control of her. But Catra pushes her away, instead trying to speak to a more central truth: Adora's need to serve everyone else's needs, her inability to regulate her desire to make things better for others who are hurting or will get hurt, and balance that against her own needs and safety. She's speaking to the part of Adora which Shadow Weaver is exploiting to get what she wants from her, to control her. It doesn't really matter in this moment to Catra whether Adora is doing it for Shadow Weaver or not, because either way Adora is allowing Shadow Weaver to win. Catra wants Adora to be better than a slave to her emotional need to help others no matter the cost or danger. She's asking Adora to be strong in herself in a way Adora has never been able to be. She challenges her, asking "What do you want, Adora?" The obvious answer, Catra believes, is her. But Adora is too worried she will die and let Catra down to let her romantic feelings about Catra manifest and make it real between them, and taking the failsafe has made Adora all the more doubtful of her own survival. Adora counters "I have to do this Catra, I'm the only one who can." It's all to say that Adora is alone in her burden, and she accepts it and its consequences because she's She-ra. Adora doesn't believe she has value, or deserves happiness unless she can save everyone, including Catra.

Adora believes as She-ra, she is totally alone in her burden. This is wrong of course, Catra does see her and understands her burden, and is the one person in the world who wishes to share that load with her, unlike the other princesses who need Adora to be a hero and save them. But both girls are weak from their deep traumas which Shadow Weaver has reaggravated, and they can't overcome them. Catra resigns herself to the belief that Adora is unable to rise above her most basic emotional need to serve others, telling her "Then do it. That's what you want, that's what you'll always choose." She can't stand to watch Adora kill herself so willingly to serve everyone else, all while letting SW win. She rejects Adora, and turns to leave. Adora desperately begs Catra to stay, wanting her to uphold their promise and telling her she needs her, but is unable to vocalize her desire to be with Catra romantically. Meanwhile, in Catra's mind, Adora is just going to let herself die, and if she does, then Adora never really needed her after all... all Adora cares about is being She-ra. It's harsh, but true... even if what she's doing about it is so wrong.

It's a painful moment for both of them, and it's horrible because Catra is so clearly breaking their promise, the one that Adora restored to Catra she came to rescue her from Horde Prime. And yet, her leaving will work in the end. Catra gets Adora to see how crucial it is that she not let Shadow Weaver win, to let Shadow Weaver get whatever she wants by taking that cost from Adora's own life. And it's how Adora finally becomes too strong for Shadow Weaver to ever manipulate again.

>As Adora returns to camp, still crying from Catra's abandonment, Shadow Weaver tries to swoop in and make her manipulations of Adora take their final hold. She tells Adora she "made the right choice, don't let Catra convince you otherwise, she's never understood." Dreaded ear touch and all. By saying Catra can't understand, Shadow Weaver tries to make Adora feel alone in her burden as She-ra, seeking to weaken her spirit. But we see a total shift in Adora's attitude as she rejects SW’s cruelty and manipulations entirely. Her words carry incredible weight and speak to how she's so clearly seen through SW's malicious manipulations of the two of them. "Stop. I will never forgive you. You ruin people. You ruin any chance they could ever be happy." Adora just watched Catra reject her and abandon her because she couldn't stand to lose Adora again over SW's manipulations. It's by knowing Catra's pain that Adora is able to finally deny Shadow Weaver any sliver of control over her. As always, Adora couldn't do it for herself, she couldn't resolve between her deeper need to save everyone and SW's plans to use her for her own gain. But Adora is strong for others, and so she's strong for Catra. By leaving, Catra has given Adora the ability to rise above any manipulation Shadow Weaver can do to her.

Adora stands up to Shadow Weaver once and for all in her next words: "I'm going to take the failsafe to the heart, and I'm going to save Etheria. But I am not doing it for you. I'll do everything I can to make sure you never get your hands on the magic." (pic1, fyi) Note the exact words Adora speaks here as we will return to them later, they are important. While Adora has seen past SW’s manipulations, and seen that Shadow Weaver only ever desired power, she doesn't realize how SW's childhood abuse of her and attempts to manipulate her in the present are making her too weak to survive deploying the failsafe. To get past that, Catra must help Adora.

EPISODE 12: We watch as Adora struggles to become She-ra, but eventually manages it. She's seen through SW's plan after all, and so she does her best to believe she is strong enough to win on her own, to survive the heart. But she misses Catra desperately. She rallies her people, and ends her speech by saying resolutely that she will take the failsafe to the Heart and destroy it. It's an incredible speech, Adora has become a wonderful leader, but then she looks up and sees Shadow Weaver hiding in the back. As SW meets her gaze, She-ra's form falters and we see Adora's face for a split second. She's furious at her, that she hurt Catra so badly that she ran away.

Adora moves away from the group so they don't see her lose her She-ra form because of the turmoil she feels over Shadow Weaver and losing Catra. Bow and Glimmer check on Adora, knowing she has a tendency to try to sneak away so people won't see her risk her life. Glimmer is perceptive and asks about Catra, she knows it's Catra that Adora needs, that her being gone is tearing Adora up inside. Glimmer is a great friend to the both of them. Adora voices concern for their safety if they come with her, but Bow and Glimmer know Adora needs support. And so they will try their best, even though they know Adora is heartbroken from Catra leaving her.

>Buoyed by their support, Adora goes to the ruins to try to face her final task, to overcome it through her own strength alone. Bow and Glimmer take her hands, we see Adora does her best to set her fear aside. And yet, as they enter she wonders where Catra is, whether she will come back to honor their promise.

>Catra looks back, also experiencing pain over their separation. She has not been able to overcome her trauma, and manage her feelings. Well isn't it just nice to have a telepathic therapy pet! Melog stops, and forces her to actualize her feelings and process them. At first Catra tries to deny them, saying she won't go back, but Melog sits on her. She cries, saying out loud her deepest feelings. Let's take this one in steps. "You saw what happened, A-Adora chose Shadow Weaver, not me". In a very real sense Adora did do this, she pushed Catra away in the failsafe chamber. She ignored Catra's warnings and, in Catra's mind, committed herself to death at the hands of SW's manipulation. The next line is one of the most important in the series, but we will only cover it briefly as it's romantic implications are best discussed elsewhere: "Adora doesn't want me, not like I want her." We get to see one of the most honest truths about Catra: she is an intensely romantic person, and has always had the most incredible dreams of them being together. But a lifetime of pain has told Catra that it can't be real, or atleast, not for her. It is deep seated trauma that blocks her, trauma Shadow Weaver started and then aggravated against her, making her leave Adora just moments before. Catra is, in a word, furious that she's come this far, having dared to dream once again that the two of them could be together and in love, only to have SW come in and take that from her once again.

Let's take a moment to consider how Catra is doing as she adapts to her new emotional way of dealing with the world, as she has shifted her perspective since rejoining Adora: The old Catra might have simply struck SW down, maybe even killed her to remove the threat. But now, Catra doesn't want to do that but is expected to trust in Adora’s ability to overcome the threat through her inner strength, and the through the strength of her community. But, as far as Catra could see, Adora just accepted her death as necessary rather than fighting SW’s manipulations. And this worries her, and it's why it's so important to Catra that she not let Shadow Weaver win, so Catra leaves to make sure Adora gets the message. She's wrong to do this, and she realizes this after opening up to Melog. Adora needs Catra to have faith in her, because without her support, there's no chance Adora overcomes what Shadow Weaver is trying to do to her.

>Glimmer watches the doubt play across Adora's face. She doesn't know how to make it better, since Catra isn't with them. She asks her if she's scared, and Adora answers back as truthfully as she can: "No, I just really hope this works." She's putting on a good face while trying to believe there's a chance, but when Bow tells her it's going to be a whole new world when she's done, Adora doubts. Can she even survive? Will Catra be gone forever? The next scene is, of course, very romantic. We see that Adora has always loved Catra, just like Catra loves Adora. The magic is trying to remind Adora of her own desires, her wants. Let's not get too distracted though: as Adora moves on, vowing to not let the magic distract her, we see her She-ra form falter, she's still fighting despair and loneliness. Bow and Glimmer don't know what to do...

>Catra sees Horde Prime begin hacking the planet and knows Adora is in grave danger of not succeeding in her last, unselfish mission before Prime stops her. Catra can't let this happen, also, since Melog has helped her process her emotional pain, she's ready to support Adora in any way she can, even if it means her hopes and dreams of them being together will be unfulfilled. She tries to rush to her side.

>Adora is panicking and unable to resolve her feelings of failure to Catra, She-ra is in danger of fading again. She sees the sword as she saw it back when she first left Catra, her hand goes to the failsafe on her chest, the thing that made Catra reject her after she accepted it. She tells Bow and Glimmer she can't escape her destiny. The words "I'm losing her" speak to a deep held belief by Adora that she's not worthy of survival because she feels that she has never been able to help the one person she truly loves, making her no hero. All of the manipulations of Shadow Weaver, Horde Prime, even Light Hope are crushing down on her. She believes she has to accept her fate, to die to fulfill her duty as She-ra. It's the price she has to pay for not being good enough, for hurting Catra when she left her to become She-ra. She thanks Bow and Glimmer for their love and support. "I never could have done any of this without you." Bow and Glimmer did everything they could to prop Adora up, get her out of her depressions when she felt she wasn't good enough to be She-ra. But they still needed her to be She-ra, and therefore they can't help her get past her deepest insecurities. To do that, she needs someone who has unconditional love for her. She needs Catra. Adora leaves Bow and Glimmer behind, trying to protect them, so that only she will have to die.

>Catra finds Shadow Weaver patiently waiting to receive her power, to be able to achieve dominion over everyone else. SW tells Catra "She's gone to the heart of Etheria to free the magic and become the hero she was born to be." The dead hero, that is. As SW tries to guilt Catra, calling her selfish, she glares back. She stands up to SW, rejecting the manipulation: "Enough! This isn't about you and your messed up power trip anymore!”

In this moment, Catra shows us how clearly she understands SW's goal. She calls her out perfectly. She tells SW that Prime is infecting the planet to take the heart, which changes everything, including for SW.

>As Catra leads SW, having forced her to cooperate, they see Prime's broadcast and Catra knows they have to act. She demands SW take them to Adora, and doesn't accept her lies. She knows SW can do it with magic, and demands she comply. Her words hit home "So do something good with it for once and help me save Adora before it's too late." Notice the similarity to when Glimmer asks Catra to be better on Horde Prime’s ship. SW is trapped, she has to comply. If Adora doesn't reach the heart, no magic for SW, universe ends. Catra accepts SW's hand, though it hurts her to do so.

>Catra and SW arrive in the corridor. As Catra gets the truth from Glimmer, she's dismayed. "Of course she's gone, that's what she does, isn't it?" She knows in this moment that Adora is consumed by fear, her inadequacies. As she finishes briefing Bow and Gimmer on the situation, she tells them she will stay to help Adora, and she invokes their promises to each other. It's an important moment, as it is the two of them together, their promises to each other, that gives them the strength to surpass SW's manipulations of them. Glimmer knows Catra is in love with Adora, so she leaves Adora in Catra's care. Bow’s words are important as well, speaking to the power of the Best Friend Squad. It gives Catra a boost to her morale, a belief that maybe there's a chance she and Adora can overcome the odds they face.

>Adora looks out over Etheria, seeing its beauty. Mara joins her. Adora tries to promise Mara that she will save the world, everyone, at any cost. Mara flat out rejects this as wrong, she doesn't let Adora promise. Mara confronts Adora on her decision to die for everyone else. When Mara asks her what she wants, Adora says it doesn't matter, that she's She-ra. Again, an isolationist view, a lonely burden, just like SW wants her to believe. Mara tells Adora that she, Adora, has value as a person, not only as a hero, and that she deserves love, too. As Mara tells to not lose hope, Adora is emotionally moved but you can tell she's still struggling to accept Mara’s words because of her feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Mara manages to pass some courage to her, but then Horde Prime cuts them short.

Prime leans into Adora’s fears, threateningly. Like SW, he knows how to exploit her. He was in Catra's head and so he knows what Catra knows. He tells her that her failure is imminent, that she is already defeated, like the other She-ra's. The guardian monster then strikes and infects Adora, and she finally loses her grip on her She-ra form. He tells her even her own people didn't want her to make it to the heart, telling her the whole world is against her, and that she's totally alone. She tries to counter this with defiance, but the virus has her. She knows she's in trouble.

----Part 3: Final Moments, and Death, of SW----

>Episode 13. Adora is in pain, trying to understand the nature of the infection. The monster towers over her, it has only to reach out to deal the killing blow, she's defenseless. Suddenly Catra shows up, engaging the monster. Adora's only concern is for Catra's safety, telling her to leave her because it's too dangerous. But Catra has decided: she will do whatever it takes to give Adora her chance to save the universe, if that's what she wants. Even if it means Adora has to die. She tells SW to get Adora to the heart, which Adora objects to. SW is looking closely at Adora and seeing her illness, evaluating. As Adora begs for Catra to not leave her, Catra tells Adora she'll catch up. After all, they are the best friend squad. Bow's words have given Catra a small amount of hope that maybe it'll be ok. Adora, now that Catra has finally shown up, is desperate to not lose her again, and knows fighting this monster is too dangerous for her alone. But she's sick, and unable to help her. SW takes Adora unwillingly towards the heart.

>Catra is doing her best, but the monster is too much, even for her. She tries to slip away, seeing the virus continuing to spread. She's trying to get to Adora, who’s alone with SW. Horde Prime stops her (no keep running!!) and she gets caught. He mocks her, telling her he expected better. But Catra has already surpassed his greatest expectations, and she'll stop him yet... as the monster catches her, she cries out in anguish. It seems the cruelty of the universe has caught up to her again, after all...

>As SW tries to bring Adora to the heart, Adora's sickness is rapidly advancing. She demands SW wait, but she's too weak to resist. The thought of losing Catra again is weakening her spirit and allowing the virus to take over. SW tells her not to lose her focus, she's still hoping Adora will deploy the failsafe before dying. But then the virus seemingly attacks Adora's heart and SW watches the failsafe nearly fade out. SW looks up, she's close enough to already siphon power from the heart. Her lust for power is apparent.

As Adora hears Catra’s scream, she forcefully pushes herself from SW, and starts to go back for Catra. SW calls for her to wait, but Adora leaves her behind.

This is it, the turning point. The great moment of truth: SW now realizes, in utter totality, that she's never going to get to have the power. It's one of the most important moments in the series, and what happens next is the culmination of all of the hard emotional growth the two girls have been doing.

>>Quick interjection: we’re about to get emotional here... (well, I do). Just a light suggestion to check your surroundings. <<

Shadow Weaver now realizes that, even if she were to drag Adora to the heart, she would be too sick and heartbroken to deploy it. It's over for SW, either she dies now, with everyone else in the end of the universe, or she dies giving everyone else, including the girls, a future.

Remember as well, Adora has told SW that she would do everything she can to make sure she never gets the power. Adora is too strong against SW's manipulations, something Adora learned from seeing the pain Shadow Weaver caused Catra through her abuse. I mentioned that the exact words Adora used when she rejected SW the night before were important, so let's return to them: Adora told SW she would deploy the failsafe, and also that she will block SW from getting the power for herself. But as she said all of this, about saving the world, the universe, she doesn't say one, very important, word.

Promise.

Adora may have dedicated herself to being She-ra, but somehow in that moment she knew not to promise to SW that she would deploy the failsafe to save the universe, instead only saying that she was going to find a way, while making sure SW doesn't get the power. We saw that Adora later tried to make this particular promise to Mara, but Mara threw that out, telling Adora to be better, to rise above her lack of self belief.

A promise was made, though. She promised Catra. Their beautiful, childhood promise, the one she so casually broke way back when, her greatest mistake. And so Adora goes back for Catra, to be there for her, to try to help. If this Catra's end, she will be there for her... even if the cost is this high. She can't just let her die alone. She is honoring their promise...

And so… Adora finally… after all this time, puts Catra above her duty as She-ra. Her love for Catra is more important than fulfilling her heroic duty, and so SW can no longer manipulate her into giving up her life so SW can get the power. The girls have, in fact, transcended her manipulations, and as Adora leaves SW standing by the heart, SW is totally alone and without anything, anyone, left. She is, in fact, defeated by the girl’s love for each other... and so as SW looks towards the heart, she finally... makes... the right... choice. She gathers enough power from the heart to fight the monster...

>Horde Prime mocks Carta as she tries in vain to resist being pulled towards her death. When he invokes Adora's name, saying she will die, Catra shows her sadness, disappointment, at having come so close to being with her. He mocks her again, asking her if it was worth it. Catra shows defiance, then sorrow. The answer is yes, of course. Catra was willing to lay it all down to give Adora her shot at saving the universe, she's honoring their promise as best she can even if this is Adora's final act before her, and their, deaths. Catra has total belief that in this moment, that she needed to sacrifice herself for Adora. It seems like the natural outcome of fate, of the cruelty that is SW's and the universe's betrayals of the two of them their entire lives...

Heroic. Fucking. Music. SW shows up, charged from the Heart to take Catra's place. She's going to do one heroic and worthy thing of remembrance before she goes, since she is defeated and knows she won't get to have the heart's power.

Carta's disbelief is total, she can't understand how SW would ever do this for her. Her manipulation of them their whole lives was so total, so unfeeling. And yet, here she is. SW tells Carta to get to Adora and run. She forces Catra back and blocks the door. Catra still can't understand... and we finally... see Shadow Weaver show some actual real remorse for how empty her life is. She begs Catra to take Adora to the heart, to set the magic free. The one thing SW is dedicated to is magic, and she knows releasing the magic will restore the planet. Catra points out the obvious, that SW will die. Part of the reason Catra is so broken up by SW doing this is because Catra had just accepted her fate of dying in order to give Adora her chance to save everyone: Catra was willing to die for Adora even if Adora never found the courage to want Catra the way Catra wants her. And now SW takes her place? It doesn't make sense to her, as SW is a greedy person.

Shadow Weaver’s next series words are some of the most important in the entire series. And this is also the one redeeming quality she has... that she is a teacher. And she’s about to tell Catra something very, very... important.

She says: "It's too late for me." All her manipulations towards getting the power at the cost of the girls lives have been torn down, they've completely moved past her, she has no place in their lives anymore. The girls have learned to love each other so loyally that SW is done, finished.

"But you... this is only the beginning for you." Catra listens to this, searching for the deeper meaning... "I'm so proud of you, Catra." I think we all agree SW being 'proud' of Catra is a devastating line, Catra doesn't need or probably even want her abusers approval. I also think it is a lie, everything about SW says she's unable to feel actual compassion. But SW is a mastermind, and I think she's telling Catra she has respect for her. Catra ended up being the greatest enemy SW ever faced, she was so smart that she saw right through every manipulation SW made, and in the end, SW couldn't touch her. But theorizing aside, we see Catra cry... somehow, someway, SW finally seems to be showing Catra some amount of good in her, and so she cries, wondering where it comes from…

As Catra brings her hand back to uselessly flail at the barrier, Adora catches it. Catra looks back at Adora, surprised at her reappearance...

… right then we see Catra suddenly look away from Adora. It's quick, but we're seeing a dissociative moment: this is Catra realizing something very deep, and very meaningful...

Catra realizes, that in this moment, SW has chosen to do something that is much more than just dying in Catra's place.

She has given Adora to her.

All of Catra's life, Shadow Weaver has stood between her and Adora, love was a thing Catra was not allowed to have. But the girls, together, have transcended all of her abuse and manipulation. They have seen through her plan and risen above every cruelty, and have blocked SW's manipulations to use them for her own gain. And so, a defeated SW chooses now, to give Catra the most beautiful of gifts...

Catra puts it all together, filled with clarity: SW is telling her that Adora doesn't have to die, she can survive this. That they can survive the Heart!!! And Catra is the key, as SW has told her: "This is only the beginning, for you."

Catra is now given this knowledge freely by SW, and thus given hope. SW stands before them, totally defeated, in awe of Catra's incredible growth and cunning and that she was able to see through her plan, and how strongly the two girls have come to love each other. So, SW is giving Catra her fullest respect, and as a last act before her death she is passing Catra newfound hope that the two of them can overcome this, that they can survive...

Shadow Weaver removes her mask, showing Catra her face. It's not a face of manipulation, as we expect, no, there's respect, even, dare I say, gratitude. SW didn't have to do this, Catra knows that. And yet, Catra managed to show SW something she never expected to see. And so, by outthinking and so totally defeating her, by making SW see that all her manipulations were discovered and therefore wouldn't work no matter which way she turned, and by getting Adora understand the urgency of not letting SW win, Catra has won this final, beautiful gift…

“You're welcome…”

As Catra watches SW make her final sacrifice... her one good deed... she looks on, stunned. Life is never quite so simple as you think it is, and since returning to Adora, Catra has seen so many acts of generosity she didn't really believe were possible... and now... this...

Catra lets Adora cry for a moment, then tells her they have to go. Catra is filled with new urgency... they will face this final challenge together. As she resolutely carries Adora towards the heart, she knows she's now in charge of their fate... and as they face this final task, Catra is searching for a way to save Adora, and to save their love once and for all...

~

All of this has huge implications for what then happens with the girls when they reach the heart chamber, but that's a topic better discussed another time…

Some final notes here. It's my belief that Shadow Weaver is the overarching villain of the story, who spans all seasons of She-ra, and is far more important to the plot than Horde Prime is. Furthermore, understanding Shadow Weaver as this kind of villain is a stepping stone to explaining many other important plot points in the series, and we can build on it to understand a lot of the most important moments in the show.

My personal belief about this story is that the writers had such a diverse room of people of LGBTQIA+ and other backgrounds, each with their own trials and pains they had to overcome, that as a team, their goal was to bring to light as many of these struggles that they could. But as for this most central story, my guess is they wanted to tell us a story about overcoming real darkness that exists in our world, as well as Etheria, because sometimes that's how it is. And so the right thing, the only thing to do is to overcome and move past such people, to not let them control your life.

All this is to say that I think the moral of Shadow Weaver in the story isn't about finding the good in her, but about rising above her and the fundamental darknesses that we all sometimes face. And our girls do this through love, at no point do they use violence. And that makes this story very, very... special.

Thanks for reading. Until next time…

~EtheriaDearie

P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛

[13eyond13]

Do you think Ohba was a coward for not making Light a truly likeable character? I mean, he could show us more scenes where Light saves someone. For example, she saves a girl from Sibumaru Taku and his gang, and that's a good thing? However, we only see him save someone only once (yes, he says he's saving society, but particular people's stories always help to humanize or dramatize sth, to make us feel more involved in character's deeds). So, his killings of innocents really outweigh his count of saved people simply bc we are shown how he kills the innocent. More to that, these are innocent we even get to know which only makes us sympathize them even more (Naomi Misora, f.e.).

It's as if Ohba doesn't want viewers to question morality of the story. He gives us two views on the problem (whether one can bring good by doing bad things) and tells us that we can pique a side, but he himself makes everything so we don't like Light. He makes him homophobic, sexist, rude to people of service sector (if i remember correctly, there was a panel where he tells a guy who works in a service sector that they all look alike?), and there's nothing to counter-balance to it.

Hi!

Hmm, I don't know if I think Ohba was trying to make Light particularly likable or unlikable, and maybe that's part of why he's such a strong character overall. Light feels very much like an individual personality with a fully fleshed-out life and in-depth worldview and psychology, all of which makes total sense when you consider everything you know about his home life and social status and about how he started using the Death Note and the specific age he was when he first picked it up. If Ohba had been consciously setting out to either make Light more or less sympathetic then I think it probably would've weakened his character somehow; in the behind the scenes book it sounds like Ohba was always letting Light's personality and ideals and good/unlazy writing dictate his actions and behaviour, rather than how appealing or unappealing he thought Light would be to the audience for what he does. I don't recall Light ever being outright homophobic in canon, but you're right in that he is pretty easy to dislike for how disdainfully he views and treats other people a lot of the time. In my opinion he's by far the most complex and hard to pin down character in the manga series though, because there are many layers to his motivations and actions and psychology and behaviour in comparison to most of the characters orbiting around him in the plot. I think there's also a bit more of a gradual transformation of Light's character and the inhumane actions he is willing to stoop to in order to achieve his goals and avoid capture than some people claim. It's subtle stuff at times, but he is depicted struggling with things inwardly and trying to justify stuff and seeing a lot of the nuance in the hard choices he's making beyond just coldly murdering people to achieve his goals and save his own skin. Other examples I can think of in the manga are saving Sayu when she gets kidnapped, and how differently he behaves when he loses his Kira memories and seemingly reverts back to the principled type of person he'd believed himself to be prior to becoming a murderer with a magical killing notebook. It's a shame the other adaptations and spinoffs of DN haven't ever really been able to completely do justice to this aspect of his character, because that's a huge part of what makes the manga story such an interesting and enduring classic to me.

So whether or not Ohba set out to make Light likable, I'd say just as many people love Light as a character as despise him. And I think that's because he does have more depth to him and his writing than simply being a generic edgy asshole with zero redeeming qualities, or zero vulnerabilities, or no moral code by which he abides.

[farfromsugafanfic]

Sutures - Chapter 12: Cardioplegia

Genre: Soulmates AU, Idiots to Lovers, slight Enemies to Lovers

Pairing: Yoongi/Named Reader

Warnings (chapter specific): mentions of family member death, medical procedures, ANGST, hospitalization, references to memory loss

Synopsis: “A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” –Jean de la Fontaine

There was only one thing you and Min Yoongi had in common that night. You were both brokenhearted. You only intended to be together for one night, but when you both end up in the hospital the next day you discover that you are soulmates. It could kill you to be apart. As you and Yoongi attempt to sever the bond between you, will another be formed?

Note: Before y’all demand my head on a stick for this ending, please note that there is an epilogue and bonus part still to come.

Previous | Series Masterlist | Next

"Min Yoongi? Jang Sumi?" the doctor asked, carrying a clipboard in his hand. "So, I hear you have some concerns you need to discuss with me?" 

You recognized the doctor from when you'd ended up in the hospital after the night you met Yoongi. He seemed to be the only soulmate bonding specialist in the whole city and your stomach turned. You wanted your needles.

"Yes," Yoongi said. "You see, an urgent family matter has come up for Sumi and she has to fly to the US as soon as possible." The doctor nodded. "The issue is that due to my schedule, I can't go with her. I know you said there were exemptions for work, do you think this would cover that?" 

"It's hard to know," the doctor said. "It's possible you would have no problems as the conflict involves your work. But, for Sumi, there's nothing obligating her beyond the love for her family. I fear it would be risky. We wouldn't know until Sumi is on the plane and if you both have a reaction, it's likely Sumi wouldn't be able to get to a hospital in time." 

"Then, no," Yoongi said. "What are the other options?"

"Wait," you said, touching Yoongi's bicep lightly. "What are the chances I have a reaction on the plane?" 

"I'd say a 70% chance you react, 30% you don't. If it'd been over a year since you'd met, it would probably be 50/50. As the years go by, reactions become less likely. At least in the limited experience and research, we have from soulmate couples. Every couple is different."

"I'm willing to take the chance. Maybe we could hire a doctor to fly with me--" 

Yoongi's hand shot to grip your thigh cutting off your words as your jeans rubbed against your skin where his fingertips touched. Even with the fabric between his skin and yours, it still felt like sitting too close to a fire. The sparks flying just over your head. 

The doctor arched his eyebrow. "There aren't a ton of options. We are researching drugs right now to help curb reactions in situations like this, but since the reactions are individualized in some ways, it makes it hard to develop one drug that will work for all."

"I can come with you," Yoongi said, "It's the only option." You saw in the way his lips were in a slight frown that his thoughts were racing. His voice quieted. "And you'll need me."

"Yoongi, I-I don't know how long I'm going stay. You can't stay forever and I might."

Yoongi's eyebrows rose as his lips fell into a frown. "You want to stay?" 

You felt the atmosphere lose color. The vibrant scene slowly turning black and white. Yoongi's hand still rested on your leg like it belonged there. 

"I could teach Korean. Do translation work. I don't know. But, I miss my family and knowing things can happen so quickly and I could lose them, I just..." Unlike all the other times, there were no tears. You couldn't cry over this. You wanted to cry, grab the closest objects and fling them at the wall until they dented it, or at least chipped the paint. You wanted to grab Yoongi and kiss him, tear off his shirt, pull on his hair. But you couldn't. The only thing you could do was sit and listen to the doctor say you had to choose.

"Can we talk about this privately?"

"Before you make any decisions," the doctor said. "I should inform you that we have been working on an experimental cure. We haven't tested it on any human subjects yet, but we could use you if you consent. We can't guarantee it will work, but if it does, it would solve your problems. We don't know what side effects would be, but we would keep you for 24 hours for monitoring." 

"Is it safe?"

"We believe it is. We've done animal trials and while they don't have soulmate connections like you do, they have not shown any side effects that we're concerned about." The doctor stood up to leave. "I'll give you some time. I know this isn't an easy decision, so take your time." 

Once the door closed, you and Yoongi turned towards each other, your knees knocking together. His hands found yours, but you felt his gaze on your face which was angled downward, your eyes focusing on the way his thumb moved slowly over your knuckles.

"Yoongi, I don't know what to do. I need to see my grandma. I wish this wasn't so complicated and I'm scared cause what if the cure doesn't work or it gives us weird side effects. I mean, technically we could die. Yoongi, what do I do? I'm gonna lose my grandma. I-I don't want to lose you too."

"Hey, hey," he said, letting go of your heads and pulling you into his chest. You heard his heart beating against your ear and how his fingers shook slightly as he ran them over your hair. "It's going to be okay. Let's just think about this." 

He was silent for a few moments. You didn't even hear the doctors and nurses rushing past the room or the beat of your hearts. 

"We were working to sever this anyway. We won't lose each other. I'll still be here for you. You can still call or visit. I'm just concerned if something bad happens with the cure. Are you willing to risk everything for your grandmother?" 

"Yes, of course." 

“Then, we'll try it. I want you to be happy, Sumi. I want you to be able to see your grandmother, okay?" 

You nodded. "Are you sure this is what you want?" 

"If it's what you want, then I'm sure." 

"Yoongi, I'm sorry. I know you--" 

"Shh," he said, smoothing down your hair and bunching it up and curling it around his fingers. "Let's just enjoy this last moment, yeah?" 

You burrowed into Yoongi's chest. You would truly miss his warmth, the way his heart beat in time with yours, how he noticed when you were anxious, and handed you your needles. You weren't sure someone like him would ever walk into your life again. And here you were, allowing him to walk out.

---

"Thanks for coming," the doctor said, nodding towards Namjoon and Eunji who stood off to the side, sharing furrowed brows and concerned glances between you and Yoongi. "Since we don't exactly know what state they'll be in after this we want to make sure they have someone to look after them after."

While the doctor continued explaining worrisome symptoms and aftercare protocol, Yoongi turned towards you and grabbed your hand, slipping a folded piece of paper into it. You flashed him an odd look before pulling your hand away and unfolding the paper, finding a plane ticket to Los Angeles. 

"I've made the arrangements. If you miss that flight, I'll get you on the next."

"Yoongi, you didn't--" 

"Yeah, I did. Now, you don't have to worry, okay?

The doctor finished talking to Namjoon and Eunji and turned towards you. "Are you ready? We need to induce a reaction for this to work, so I've made arrangements for one of you to receive the treatment at another hospital nearby. Which one--" 

"I'll go." Yoongi got off the bed and met your eyes. You'd already said goodbye, but it didn't feel like enough. There was a chance one or both of you could die. That it wouldn't work at all. There was an even greater chance that it would work and all the things you felt for the man in front of you would dissipate like fog in the afternoon. 

You'd miss the way you longed to run your hands through his hair. How your stomach flipped when he smiled at you or the way you felt his touch linger long after he pulled away. The way he could calm you with just a look or how he allowed you to fiddle with his fingers when you didn't have your needles. 

"Bye, Sumi. Call me whenever you need to, okay?"

You nodded and clasped your hands together tightly. He leaned forward and pressed his lips gently to your forehead and left the room before he could look back. 

Namjoon met your eyes and offered a sad smile. "Take care, Sumi." 

"You too, Namjoon." 

Namjoon followed after Yoongi and it was just you, Eunji, and the doctor. "Once her symptoms begin, we'll administer the cure. We'll then just monitor her for any reaction and go from there." 

Ten minutes later, it started. You felt the tightness in your chest, sweat pricking at your hairline, and your legs were restless, wanting to move wherever Yoongi was. 

"Eunji, hold her hands, help keep her still." 

Eunji was hesitant, but she walked over and held your arms flat against the bed. "It's gonna be okay, Sumi. Just breathe, okay? Just keep breathing." 

You flinched as you felt the needle in your arm and fluid spilling into your bloodstream. It was hot--not hot enough to burn--but almost. Your heart slowed, but your breathing didn't catch up. 

"Sumi, how are you feeling? Are you okay?" the doctor asked. You could vaguely make out the two figures hovering over you. Your vision went black around the edges and your legs went numb. You felt yourself falling and the two figures became smaller and smaller.

---

You woke up. White sheets surrounded you and the room was dark except for the light peeking in from the hallway outside. You heard Eunji in the hallway. It sounded like she was talking on the phone as you didn't hear another voice. 

"What do you mean, Namjoon?" Her voice sounded distressed. Worried. 

You glanced down at the IV in your arm. Your head hurt and you couldn't remember why you were here or how you got there. How long had you been here?

"He-he's okay, though? I mean, other than--"

Eunji's voice was now hushed. You strained to hear, but the machines connected to you began to beep. Eunji rushed back into the room, flipping on the light.

"Sumi!" Before you could blink she had her head pressed to your chest and was hugging you the best she could without disturbing all the needles and cords attached to your body. "When you passed out I thought you were going to die and I didn't know what was going to do without my best friend."

"Eunji--what--what happened? Who's Namjoon?" 

Eunji's face fell. "Oh, uh, that's not important. Let me get the doctor."

---

The doctor examined you. His eyes caught yours, a sad look crossing over them momentarily before he pulled away. 

“You seem perfectly healthy," he said. "I'm going to discharge you, but if you start having odd symptoms of any kind get to an emergency room. Okay?"

You nodded, not fully understanding. "Wait, how long has it been? How long have I been here?"

"It's only been a few hours, why?" 

"My grandma," you said. "I need to get to the airport and get a ticket and--"

Eunji reached into her purse and pulled out a slip of paper. "You have a ticket. The flight's in a few hours. If you hurry you can make it. I'll send your stuff along later." 

"You didn't buy this, did you?" 

"No, Yoo--you really don't remember?" 

"Eunji, what aren't you telling me?"

Your friend glanced over at the doctor who mouthed something you couldn't make out. 

"It's not important right now," Eunji said. "Come on, you need to get to the airport if you want to get to the airport on time."

---

"I'll miss you," you said, pulling Eunji in for a hug. "I'll call you when I can."

"Take it easy, okay? You just got out of the hospital." 

"I still don't remember what happened, Eunji. Why can't just tell me? Was it an accident? I must've hit my head." 

"The doctor thinks it'd be too stressful on you right now. Maybe I'll tell you someday, okay? Just go be with your grandma." 

You nodded, even though you overflowed with questions, something made you feel at peace as you stepped onto the plane and into your window seat. Normally, this is when you'd begin feeling sick. You settled into your seat and pulled your flannel closer around you. You didn't remember owning a flannel with the sleeves cut off. It must be one of Minki's old ones that you'd stolen, but for some reason, it kept you calm as the plane rocketed off the runway and into the air.

THE END 

[lazarus-harp]

underappreciated friendships rant (1/?) - joey graceffa / safiya nygaard

I've seen a lot of people claim Safiya simply sided with Joey out of fear, or because she believed there was no other choice. And it's always bothered me— since I don't see that as the case. There's a lot of bonding between these two that occurs during their seven shared episodes and I wanted to dive into it! Try and give everyone a new dynamic to look at, or to consider these two through a new lense.

( tw ; super long post, so press the read more button to see it all please! )

As early as episode one, there's clear love shown from Safiya's part. While everyone chose to go on the mission because Joey asked for their presence, most of them either did it mostly for fun ( Colleen ) or for the adventure to follow ( Mat ). The Investigative reporter certainly had her own reasoning as well, but the moment Joey arrives, she is quick to say,

She words it as a group thing, which I'm sure is true, yet it speaks volumes that Safiya is the one to say it. Throughout the series she rarely extends her worry to most, you barely see her react to most of the early deaths ; and the only time her worry shines through specifically for others is when it comes to most of the final six. But, again, I'm pointing out this specific moment because it's still a big deal ( for her ) and she's been worried about him from the start, regardless of others' criticism. As much of a follower as the reporter can be, she doesn't let her opinions change, even if her actions stem from the influence of others.

I think most people get their 'Safiya was scared of Joey' thoughts from her one line in episode two : "Is he on our side? Or is he just trying to kill us?" Which I can totally see why this would influence that view on their relationship! It's undeniable that Saf was suspicious of Joey, and she always has been. She's known pretty early on there was something more there that he wasn't telling the group. Not hesitating to throw him under the bus in episode three, when she notices the SAE symbol on the box and immediately announces the connection to his bag. But I feel as though suspicion is natural here, as is fear. Anyone would be on edge about the person who invited them at first in a situation like this, even if they loved that person dearly She also doesn't flat out say "he's trying to kill us" but just realizes that's an option. We know that the Investigative reporter is a no nonsense kinda gal. She's about solving things, and surviving, and that's two things Joey seems to hinder her of having in the beginning. Making her on the fence about him. Which still doesn't mean she doesn't care about him. Just that there's a planted seed of doubt forming.

In later episodes when three of the loudest members ( Mat, Colleen, and Manny ) were sussing Joey ; Saf keeps quiet. And in episode five she makes her stand, despite it being quite an unpopular one.

She doesn't believe Joey should die, or that he's evil. And even goes as far as to encourage Joey to come clean to the group because it would help his cause. If Safiya truly was scared of the savant or disliked him, I'm sure she would've kept quiet and voted him. Let the group have their way ( besides Rosanna ) and keep Mat and Manny around. But she doesn't. I also think it says a lot that Joey even listens to her suggestion! She coaxes it out of him and I doubt many others would've had the same effect. Joey trusts her. She says it'll go a long way and he believes that, even if it was hard for him to own up to. Some canon examples of this can be shown here ( so you know im not talking out of my ass ) :

Safiya's confessional after hearing Mat and Manny discuss how suspicious/potentially evil Joey is ( this also shows she doesn't just keep him around for information, but that she genuinely thinks he can still be a good person )

Here she is, being the only person to get Joey to confess, and Joey listening to her

When it comes time to vote, Saf expresses she doesn't think she should vote for Joey despite the pressure from her friends

Though to most it seems like she's only keeping him around for more information, I think this still further proves she doesn't think he's evil ; or that she's scared of him. Again, if she was, I don't think she'd hesitate here. Information or not.

Either way, Joey survives episode five and Mat is lost, leading these two into the events of episode six ; Twin Dolls. Where I think even more of their bond shines through! Right away, Saf makes sure to stick close to a certain group. While Colleen flirts with Mortimer and Ro spends a couple seconds sulking alone, she's sitting comfortably at the table beside Manny : facing Nikita and Joey. She follows along with him the whole episode as well, ending up in his group later when everyone splits up. It's here that Joey proves how much he appreciates Ro and her for believing him, making his love for them obvious. Anytime something risky pops up, the savant is on the front lines to take the fall for it. I'm sure Safiya didn't expect such loyalty after she mildly defended him, but either way, it's natural she's thankful for it nonetheless. If Saf had any doubts that Joey was the person everyone claimed he was, they have long since faded at this point when he gets his hands dirty in the name of appreciation for her and her choice.

He says, word to word from 18:30-18:40 , "You guys trusted me, and you didn't vote for me in that competition, so I'll take this for the team." And takes the red pill that could've hurt him, or made him sick— he didn't even know. Safiya knew this because none of them knew, yet he took that risk for them. If this didn't strengthen her fragile trust in him, I don't know what would. Not to mention, he then proceeds to stick his hand down a bucket of tar to retrieve the last Lazarus coin. Something Saf seems greatly amazed about, considering how fixated she's been on opening the box. Which I'm sure only puts him higher up in her good graces!

( I won't be using her betraying Colleen as evidence for siding with Joey, because she only killed her since she knew most of the group had picked her already, so I'm skipping to ep7 )

Right away, the burden of who to revive was a shared burden on Saf and Joey's shoulders. Yet they both were on the same wavelength when it came to who to bring back ; and are now waiting for that person in the beginning of episode seven : Funhouse. Everyone is on edge and the two haven't confessed who they picked yet— Also, quick side note, I think the fact they both just looked at each other, and shared this immediate knowing look, says a lot about how close they are. They didn't even discuss it. Just choose. It means more than you'd think, because Saf could've easily believed Joey wouldn't want Mat back given their falling out. But she didn't even question that when she saw his face. Reading people is hard and I think this is a neat, overlooked moment ( though, to be fair, I feel like most of the group could read each other at this point, seeing as they've become so close )

The moment Matthew returns, and everyone is getting their cute reunion moment with him, Safiya is overjoyed. She's so happy, in fact, that she gushes about how they "did it" and hugs Joey. You don't see Saf make the move to hug people often, in fact I think the only times she does so is in ep4 ( I think Mat's the one who goes in to hug her in ep7 ). She doesn't even try to hug Mat here! Just Joey. At this point they are clearly close friends :

Sadly, there's less Joey/Saf content in this episode that I feel like are important enough to highlight. However, when Ro says she can't put Joey in danger when they're forced to vote a friend, Safiya offers no argument when she could've. She quickly agrees and they settle on who they vote, saving Joey and Mat. When it comes to her death, the savant expresses great remorse over her passing even if he plays middle man and refuses to take sides. He frets over her corpse and says, "It not fair, what happened to Safiya." And Joey, who's seen so much death it's probably a regular occurrence, truly seems saddened with this passing. Generally, I've seen him portrayed as dismissive over the s3 deaths, but that isn't always true. He expresses remorse for Roi, Manny, Mat, Ro, and especially for Safiya. And I think, instead of taking petty sides, the main reason Joey just pushes the group forward is because that's what she would've done had she been there.

Of course this isn't every single Joey and Saf moment ever! There have been multiple tiny engagements between them in groups, a couple of casual touches, and their arm wrestling scene in ep5 which was beyond adorable! However, I just highlighted some key aspects that I believe showed Safiya's view on Joey and Joey's admiration for her. This is a really long essay, and if you've read through it all, good for you! I hope this changed your view on their dynamic, or at least gave you a better appreciation for it! I love these two a lot and you'll see their close relationship in my writing more, so I wanted to also explain where that's coming from.

Thanks for reading <3 And feel free to leave other underrated friendships for me to dissect in my inbox or in these notes!

[harryswatermelonsegment]

Fire For You

Pairing: Reader/Harry Styles,Harry Styles/Omc x2

Rating : Strong R 100% porn w/o plot tbh

Warnings: *cracks knuckles* orgies,sex parties, anal sex, male oral sex, female oral sex, anal play, sub!dom play, drug use, vaginal penetration, squirting

A/N: Look, never posted fic. And I haven't checked anything 😳 Due to the heavily noted anon prompt fluttering around my dash that read: "My friend went to some weirdo eyes wide shut kind of party in the Hollywood Hills last year and overheard 'yeah you can't use that room, Harry Styles is high as fuck and getting railed by some dudes in there" plus that damn 🍉 video... well, I am at peak feral in quarantine and 3k of smut just popped right out. Title actually the Cannons song cos it's such a sex song innit? I'm doing this at 4.20am after starting this at 11pm my time so..good fucking night. ✌🏻🍉

—--------------------------------------------

You were petrified. 

You'd moved halfway across the world with your best friend after a shitty person broke your heart and your spirits. 

A circumstantial opportunity had arisen to become her PA,after her chance audition for a series had turned into cult viewing overnight.

She was everything you weren't. Confident, effortlessly cool and entirely comfortable in her own skin and sexuality. That's why, as she sauntered away with a tuxedo clad tall stranger, you stood frozen on the spot trying to remember it was okay to watch. 

It had been her idea for you to submit an application after you'd said you needed to take risks and feel good in your skin again. Your best friend had told you you were wasting your youth, after years wasted on the ex you were in this country trying to forget. That you should embrace you were young, hot, single and getting older by the second. So you'd rolled your eyes and submitted your video application. You wouldn't get a reply for such an elite thing. 

And yet, here you now were, in a millionaires mansion watching two men fuck a bunny masked stranger infront of you. She looks up at you through the velveteen eye holes and offers you to join with her finger come hithering you over. Your eyes widen. 

You immediately remember your stiff upper lip and bound up the right hand staircase as fast as your heels will allow. Hoping to find a cool place to catch your breath. 

Maybe you weren't as free spirited as you were in your head. Open to trying things theoretically, but now, as you see a flurry of naked bodies out of your peripheral vision and hear sounds you'd only heard in more private settings, you felt quite overwhelmed. 

You were no virgin but not to say you could count on two hands your conquests past kissing either. 

You came to the one shut door at the end of the long hallway, assuming it was a bathroom. Heels clicking against the pristine marble floor below as you approached. You put your hand to the cold metal handle, if you weren't prepared to see strangers fuck, you certainly weren't prepared for this. 

There were five people in the room. 

Three men on the bed and two women. The first woman sat open thighed across a low backed plush chair. Another on all fours on the floor licking into the others cunt as one guy stuck his fingers into her own folds from behind. He was then, with the rest of his olive skinned built body, sharply thrusting into the man on the bed at such a pace you could hear his balls slap against the sweat glistening flesh. He held his hip nearest to you so tightly, you could see the red marks appear from under his large hands. 

The slender man receiving all this action was being silenced in his pleasure by the guy kneeling up in front of him. He hummed loudly through his nose as his mouth was busy bobbing up and down the guys length. Eyes closed in the orange low light as he was thrust into still, with such force he deep throated the guy he was swallowing down. He suddenly gagged and the man moaned then pulled his head away and nodded to signal if he was okay to continue, he agreed then he got right back down to business. 

It was probably one of the more explicit scenes she'd seen. Making her feel hot and cold all at once. Not because of what was happening, no, it was who it was. 

His face was disguised by a navy blue, high winged, theatrical mask. As were those involved, or some variation at least. 

You heard a voice beside you at the door frame. A deep voice talking to a white bunny beside him

"Nah, that rooms got enough going on, Harry Styles is high as fuck getting railed by two dudes" 

And that's all the confirmation you damn well needed. You'd been in L.A three weeks. Three weeks was all it had taken for you to be stood watching Harry fucking Styles getting Eiffel towered by two guys in the Hollywood Hills whilst you watched, mouth agape in barely any underwear. 

No one had seemed to notice your intrusion, if the screaming of the red head  in the chair reaching her climax was anything to go by. She rode out her high on the blondes face before getting up, lighting a joint and pulling the blonde up by roots. No real concern that she hadn't climaxed from Mr. Powerthrusts fingers yet. Dragging the young white cat back towards the door with a glistening mouth and chin, you were still entranced at the boy on the bed pooling your sheer briefs and the sight before you. 

The redhead looked at you, to where your focus was on, then back to you. Giving one condescending chuckle. Still with the small blonde girls hair in a vice hold she spoke roughly into your ear as she passed. 

"He's soft and ready to go sugar, strike whilst he's still loose" with that, she kisses your cheek and her Loboutins clicked away from you. 

You stood there. Tits up to your chin from the force of the practically sheer black bra you were spilling out of, the suspender belt grasped your hourglass shape perfectly too. There was delicate, black designer underwear framed by the belt and thigh high stockings. You'd felt beyond confident at the beginning of the party. New eyes dragging over you in a way they didn't when you were in your regular get up of jeans and a t shirt. But behind the Japanese type kitsune half mask, you had felt invincible.

Right up until the point people actually started fucking. 

But this, this was different. 

You'd never been into guy on guy action, not even in porn. It didn't ignite any fire inside the pit of your stomach like it should. But seeing someone you'd casually ogled through the media like the other few million in the world had, well the chances of being in this position again were rare. Suddenly, the thrill of being able to possibly turn dream into reality spurred you on. He'd never know it was ever you if you met again right? 

The three of them were still going at it. Powerthruster behind, contorting his face as he placed smack after smack across the pale flesh of Harry's ass. Grabbing a fistful in each hand as he sped up even more to reach his climax, he cried out when he did pulling Harry's hips flush against his own, it was only now, amongst all the activity that you notice Harry's cock for the first time. 

The rumours online highly underestimate it. 

He's long and thick and his drippy head is causing a string of pre cum to trail from its opening onto the white silk sheets below. 

You clamp a hand between your thighs, the first time you feel your inhibitions falter that night. You had to relieve some of the friction your body needs. Watching the man remove himself, and toss the condom in the bin by the door frame you were still fixed to. 

Harry scrambles to the other muscular guy infront of him, kneeling back on his calves, hissing a little as his legs under each cheek spread his already tender hole a bit. He doesn't miss a beat though, the already close to orgasming guy looking down at green doe eyes as he pushes Harry's mouth from him. Harry knows where this is leading and opens his mouth for him spill his seed onto his waiting tongue. 

By this point you'd moved quietly from the door and across the wall so you were in prime position to watch Harry swallow all this man's cum whilst you just stood watching. 

Feeling like a pervert, feeling turned on, feeling fucking everything to be frank. You'd question it later. Right now you needed Harry to touch you. 

One leg kicked up behind you so you could slightly part your thighs and rub your middle finger down your folds beneath your knickers. You began to put on a show. The other hand is inside your bra cupping and squeezing your nipple between your index and forefinger sharply. Panting quietly as you see Harry's eye clock you in his peripheral vision. You're terrified of his reaction for a second before remembering the setting of the evening, but he smirks the best he can do with an open mouth and looks you up and down slowly. His dick twitches in his lap and that's all it takes for you to start rubbing two soaked fingers fast against your clit, your ego inflated that you could be the cause of his heightened arousal. You're going at such a pace on yourself that you almost don't catch the ropes of cum descending into Harry's mouth as he watches you trying to get the release his actions have caused. The guy stills, spent. Harry is still watching you pant faster as you take the hand on your breast away to steady a palm against the wall. He holds the guys cum in his mouth before tearing his eyes away from yours to kneel up and place an opened mouthed kiss onto the guys lips, transferring him back into his own mouth, forcefully. Switching the dominant role back in his favour to show you who was really in control in the room despite how it may have looked. He breaks the kiss, both men chuckle at each other before Harry taps the other guys cheek with his palm playfully. Like his just scored a goal at the Sunday football league, but definitely not like they'd both shared a mouthful of semen. 

Your pace has slowed down slightly but you see him whisper something into the man's ear before he hops off the bed, grabbing only his black briefs and closing the door behind him. But not before saying "have fun" to you with a knowing wink. 

It suddenly feels very intimate. When there were a few more people in the room it felt easier to blend into the festivities, but now you were essentially alone with a stranger who was watching the slow movements of your hands in your underwear. You decided to carry on, to keep up the pretence that this is the sort of thing you do all the time of course. 

It wasn't. 

So when he stands straight up off the bed, taking the few steps towards you, slightly pouting into the air as he keeps his eyes locked on yours and gently grabs your wrist that leads to the hand on your pussy  bringing the two digits that had been furiously rubbing your clit, up to his mouth. He never breaks his gaze as he sucks them fully, with the same technique you'd just seen on that man's dick minutes previous. Closing his eyes and humming approvingly at your sweet taste. 

Your insides are screaming but your present body moans and he drops the hand to grab your waist and pull you tight to his torso. He kisses you hungrily and you taste mostly of yourself and try not to think about the other taste from the strangers cum on your tongue. 

He kisses you like he's getting to know you through this alone, grazing his palms from your waist to your shoulder blades then back down slowly to your ass, gripping it tightly to his body as he hooks a thigh over his hip. His cock is sandwiched between you, droplets of pre cum on both your bellies. The crotch of your underwear is rubbing his length slightly as you rock your hips down onto his. 

His tongue is lapping and swirling languidly against yours, it's unexpected given the setting but, it's fucking glorious. You grab fistfuls of curls at the back of his head between your fingers and once you get to the nape and give a sharp tug on the baby hair there, his breathing hitches. 

"You're quite good at this" he says casually,taking a breath. You pant in response and chuckle slightly. Mostly at the contrast of moods he appears to have. 

"Not s'bad yourself" you smile. 

There's a heartbeat whilst he takes in your accent similar to his own he pulls back, brows furrowed causing his forehead to wrinkle down slightly at the top of the blue mask. This isn't the time to get to know one another though, you get that, and despite your reservations on this place you suddenly don't give a shit. You push your mouth into his neck suckling lightly and finding a sweet spot at his pulse that has him shaking. His nimble pianist fingers undo the flimsy material of your bra as he goes back to the weirdly passionate make out session, you let it fall off your shoulders, shaking it down your arms to the ground. 

He walks you both back to the bed and sits down pulling you to straddle his thighs. You both moan at the reconnection and don't miss a beat rolling your hips over his slowly. Giving him a taste of what's to come. He grunts through his teeth out of frustration, pulling away from you both once more to reach blindly for the fishbowl of condoms, provided by the host, on the nightstand. 

"Fucked anyone else tonight?" he asks matter of factly. 

Your eyes looked shocked, even though they probably shouldn't be. You furiously shake your head. 

"Hm" he chuckles as you lay your hands in your lap submissively, he clearly notices and you see an eyebrow raise over the mask. "that mean you're a good girl?" 

Cottoning on to the game he's starting, and that you're more than willing to take part in, you take one side of your bottom lip between your teeth and nod quickly. 

This is an absolute fantasy. But you're aware you could get interrupted at any moment so you'll take what you can get before being pushed out, and no doubt off, this absolute wet dream of a man. 

He tears the packet open with his fingers, sitting back, a little hunched over to roll the rubber down his length. He hisses at the brief contact after being edged so much the last hour or so. You start to wonder how he's keeping up his stamina before he sits back up, taking your chin between his thumb and forefinger and interrupts. 

"Gonna be a good girl f'me then love?" he leans forward places wet opened mouth kisses at each of your breasts in between his words, looking you straight in the eye. "Gonna slip those pants to the side and get on me then?" 

No sooner had he spoke, you were grabbing his cock in your palm with one hand, and pulling the crotch of your soaked fabric to one side with the other. You hadn't done this in a fair few months and definitely never taken a cock as big as his, but your arousal was so high that you were desperate for the sweet pain of being stretched around him. You pumped him barely as to not roll up the condom, just grazing him and feeling him twitch in your fist as he watched you briefly stick two fingers into your cunt. The wetness being heard as you opened your mouth and gasped at the sensation. You didn't want to waste anymore time checking you were prepared so you scooted forwards on his lap. Brushing his swollen head against your clit, before tapping it a few time as you sunk down onto his length. It burned so good as you got to about halfway before lifting yourself up and sinking down again further. It took three times of doing that to be completely seated and drowning his cock in your juices as your pelvises locked together. You both took a second to pant out curses against each others necks. 

"Jesusfuck. You're so fuckin' tight. Can you move? Fuck! Please move" he strained into your throat. 

You sat back a bit so you were facing one another and with fingers pulling at those nape hairs you reconnected your mouths before rolling your hips experimentally against his. 

"Oh fuuuuck" you shot out, the feeling of him so deep inside you and him pressing against your clit was other worldly. The friction of the underwear you still had on, gathered between your folds and caused the sweetest friction. He grunted once as your jaw lay slack at the contact, before getting impatient and guiding your hips to slam into him harder as he thrust up at the same time. 

Your head was spinning. 

His strong hands pulled you close to him he smeared your lips together as he flipped you so he was on top, manoeuvring you up the bed and slightly diagonal so his feet didn't dangle off the edge. 

It became a power battle then. You knew he was on the edge and holding back. He pulled a leg to hitch around his waist and thrust into you at speed. Enough to leave you sore tomorrow. You smirked into his mouth, pulling both up further to lock behind his neck, knowing the angle would make it so much tighter and so much easier to reach that sweet spot inside you. With your head thrown back at the new angle he began leaving marks around your neck and breasts, trying so hard not to cum before you. 

Then you had a brilliant, foolproof idea of how to win this game. As he was preoccupied leaving a red mark against your clavicle, you sucked your middle finger into your mouth for your planned attack. Before you could do anymore though, he moved two of his digits against your soaked clit at speed, tapping every now and then and making you writhe and grip the sheets with overstimulation. You held off best you can but he was hitting that spot that few had taken much longer to find before. You knew what was coming but it was too late to warn him. 

Your orgasm took over your body from the middle down to your toes and up until your eyes practically rolled back in your head. You heard the lewd, wet sounds his thrusts were still making and wanting to even things up you made a quick recovery enough to part your mouth and make your middle finger drip with saliva as you gripped his ass to guide him into you. You could tell by his speed he was almost there so you went between his cheeks with your slick finger and suddenly buried it inside him to the hilt. He was still stretched from the previous guy so you sink to the knuckle easily. It only took two movements to feel him spill inside you. Long drawn out moans left his lips like a dirty drawl from his throat. You took out your finger and went slack onto the mattress. 

He was spent but he wasn't done. 

As he pulled out of you carefully, gushes of your cum cascaded down onto the expensive sheets. If he didn't know you were a squirter, he did now. He stared watching it fall from your weepy hole blind removing the condom and tossing it into the bin behind. 

"Holy fuck. I.. I've never managed that before. You're a fucking dream….so fucking sexy. Fuck" he looked at you like a feast. Your saturated underwear stretched out beyond repair now. Laying against your thigh and the material dripping. He pulled the stockings from their clips quickly, not taking them off but so he could peel the knickers from your sticky thighs. You noticed he threw them down near what you assumed to be his tux. 

And that was it, he pushed your thighs up and back to your body so your knees were flush against your chest. You felt some of your cum still seeping out if you and he growled watching the last few drops drip down your bum and onto the bed. 

He dove into you like he'd not eaten in weeks. Lapping every bit of fluid from your pussy, clit, thighs and ass. He licked around your puckered hole as he sink two fingers into your cunt at pace. 

"You got one more in there for me hmm?"

He said huskily, keeping one arm across your thighs as he sat up on his haunches to look down on you falling apart. You nodded frantically, feeling the bubbles in your stomach growing again. You felt the pressure build between your thighs. Completely living in this moment with this beautiful man you got to see so desperate for you to cum. He dived back in to trace figure eights across your clit with the tip of his tongue before laying it flat and going up over it again and again. He alternating the two before you were ready to burst. He felt it on his fingers so he stilled them inside you still lapping at clit but using his whole arm to move at speed up and down to keep pushing at that one ridge inside you. When he felt the first wave of your climax hit he quickly put his face infront of your cunt and let the force of your squirt hit him the face. He caught a good amount in his mouth before repeating the signature move of crawling back up to your face and getting your soft, limp body to open up so he could spit your cum back into your mouth. It was tart but sweet probably due to the pina coladas you'd sipped downstairs to get you loosened up a bit. 

"Good girl. Swallow, show me y've swallowed it all up" he panted kneeling at your side. 

You gulp and meekly open your mouth to prove it was all gone and he smirks and gives you a slow, lazy Sunday kind of kiss that sends its shivers down your spine. You stare at each other as he sweeps your sweet drenched hair from the front of your face. You're not sure what suddenly changed in the room but you've created your own bubble. Your own bubble where a millionaire pop star a Jenner has shagged, whispers praises against the shell of your ear in some sort of awe and kisses your neck and face tenderly. What even is life? 

It's stupid but you don't want to go. Well, it's not stupid as this boy is a hurricane in the sheets and why would you not want more!

But you know the deal. This isn't a date. This is an elite fuck party. A. Fuck. Party. 

The realisation dawns on you like a thorn to the side. You can't just lay here in a post orgasmic comatose state. There's people waiting, people he's waiting on too. He sees your eyes widen and watches in confusion as you take a white robe from the hook behind the door, still in your heels you pick up your bra. You smile briefly before closing the door behind you and practically sprinting to your car. 

Not before seeing the guy Harry had been deepthoating earlier, now standing fully clothed with a headset at the door you'd just come out of with a suit and headset on. Like nothing had ever happened. Of course you weren't interrupted. Of course he had security. You rush back down the staircase before you have a panic attack in plain sight. Your thoughts scrambled beyond what you thought was capable. Did that really just happen? With him? Is this who you are now?

It's only when you get to the end of the street after texting a quick "sorry wasn't my scene, call me when you need picking up" to your mate before leaving that you're suddenly aware you're missing your underwear...

[maybeeatspaghetti]

1) I'm not sure if this has been asked before, but do you have fics that you haven't posted, or don't plan on posting? If so, and if comfortable with sharing, are there any particular reasons, be it the content, how it's written, etc?

2) Somewhat generic question, but as someone who is interested in writing, be it fanfiction/smut (possibly?) or otherwise, do you have any tips? I know that reading more is the big one, but y'know.. still.

Have a great day/night! ♡

1) I have three fics that I haven’t posted and don’t plan to post. Two are short fics that are so similar to fics I’ve already posted that it would be redundant if I did post them. The third one is a 150k novel that was a Whizzvin fic, but the characters changed so drastically as I wrote the book that I changed the names and developed them into different characters. Maybe it’s a little bit selfish, but I wanted to keep that one for myself and not share it. And I actually cut down the sex scenes, to make it less about sex and more about the story—so instead of four or five sex scenes, I cut it down to two and rewrote it to sound more like Warm Baths, where there are no typical erotica words (like “cock” or “thrust” or “hard”) it’s more about feelings than anything else. 

2) Write, write, write. That’s the biggest tip, and I know it gets thrown around a lot to the point of “I’ve heard this so many times already,” but it’s because it’s true. If you’re starting out writing and you look at it and think, “this is terrible” and you stop writing forever, then you’ve prevented yourself from ever getting better. The more you write, the better you’ll be. I’ve been writing for 15 years, and I can tell you, the writing I did when I was in middle school is horrific. It’s really bad. And I got marginally better in high school, and a lot better in college, and even better now, beyond college, when I’ve really been able to develop my voice without being encouraged to write a specific way by my teachers and professors. So allow yourself to write badly.

Write and get feedback. It’s not as easy to improve if you’re writing into a vacuum and you’re the only one seeing your work. As hard as it may be, share your work with other people; let them tell you what works and what doesn’t. If you’re uncomfortable sharing your writing with people you know, look for beta readers on the Internet. Feedback is key to helping you grow as a writer.

Yes, reading is important, but I’d rank it lower than writing. Reading helps get a sense for how authors structure their sentences, pace their stories, weave in subplots, and split their chapters, but ultimately, I personally lean much more heavily on the writing than I do on the reading, though I do read, just not as much as some authors. Some authors say to be a good writer you must 1) read x number of books a year, 2) read with a pen in your hand, and 3) read “good” works of literature only. I disagree with all of those: 1) There’s no certain number of books you have to read a year that makes you a reader or a writer. Go at your own pace and read how much you want to. I know some people good-naturedly compete to see who can read more books, but if that’s not the way you work, then don’t feel bad about not reading as much as other people. 2) Taking notes while you read doesn’t necessarily make you a better writer. If you like marking up texts and it works for you, go for it! And I do it sometimes (my Falsettos script... there’s hardly any white space left), but it can make you feel like you’re at school when you do mark in the books or take notes, and that might kill your interest in reading it. Just by reading (without taking notes or writing in the text), you’ll unconsciously absorb a lot of information about what makes a story work. 3) “Good” is subjective. What’s considered “good” by the people who say things like this is usually confined to the literary canon. And while I agree that some knowledge of the literary canon is valuable, there are so many wonderful works beyond it that are just as good. So when people talk about “good literature,” they’re usually deliberately denigrating and stepping on everything beyond the literary canon (which excludes a huge range of diverse works/voices). So don’t listen to them. There’s plenty of good literature outside the literary canon, and who’s to say something they personally didn’t like isn’t good? It’s all about personal taste. So read what you want, be it novels or nonfiction or comics or manga or fanfiction—whatever it is, it can be valuable to you as a writer.

Going back to writing—sometimes, you just have to write something bad to get it out and then take it out and start afresh, and I know that takes extra time and effort, but sometimes you need to do it. For example, I was writing a serious story about depression and I just couldn’t keep from writing a specific scene in a humorous way. So I wrote the scene that way, with a completely different feel and tone and pacing to the rest of the story, and then copied and pasted it somewhere else and went back to the beginning of the scene. Once I had gotten that awkward funny stuff out of the way, I could write it seriously. 

I’ve never been particularly good at plot, as I’m a much more character-driven writer, so I’m afraid I can’t offer too many tips about that. I usually let my characters lead the story, no matter whether it’s a short piece like what I mostly post on AO3 or it’s a longer, more involved piece like What a Wonder You Are.

In terms of writing smut... let me tell you—my first attempts at writing smut about five years ago were dreadful, and I actually gave up until this summer, when I jumped right off the deep end into my Shameless Whizzvin Smut series. And I’d grown a lot since the last time I tried to write it, and I did my research and tried to focus on the language and the emotions over the actual acts themselves (though some fics require a level of detachment, like Pretty Little Thing, where the fic is about the acts rather than the emotions), and I thought I did alright. And in the last four months, I’ve gotten better.

If you want to learn how to write good smut, turn to fanfiction authors. I have rarely read a good sex scene in a published, literary, mainstream novel (but for god’s sake, don’t read Fifty Shades of Grey; I know that was fanfiction, but it really doesn’t depict healthy or safe sex in any way—The Atlantic article “Consent Isn’t Enough” is great at explaining why). A lot of novels do the “fade to black” type scene where they cut away just as the characters are falling into bed together (Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin is a “fade to black,” but it’s done really masterfully). But if you want to learn how to write good smut, read fanfiction and remember that you can write smut that’s sexy without foregoing safety, communication, and consent. 

There’s kind of a fine line between what’s sexy and what’s absurd, and it’s all too easy to step over the line into the absurd, and this is sometimes as basic as word choice—if you say “his cock was flushed and quivering,” it sounds much better than “his flushed and quivering manhood” or “his flushed member was quivering.” If you’re going for the absurd, then use all the ridiculous words you want (manhood, member, manmeat, prick, rod, love muscle, meat stick, loins, etc. etc. etc.)! Just know it’ll be more amusing than sexy and people will probably make fun of it. But if that’s what you’re going for, then go all out! 

If you’re wanting some more specific advice about writing in general or smut writing, you’re welcome to send an ask or message; this response would get entirely too long if I were to go into more detail here. 💕

[gunnerpalace]

hey there! so i used to be a huge fan of bleach, and loved ichiruki, and i was reminded of them today but i haven't been involved with the fandom since the series ended. however, i've heard of different variations of why the series ended/ships happened the way they did, and was wondering if you knew or could direct to me a post that explains that? i apologize if i'm bringing up bitter feelings, but i've always been curious if bleach's ending was a big FU from kubo or if he always intended rr/ih

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post that really goes over it structurally in that kind of way (from a shipping perspective). I’ll get back to what you actually asked me after some asides, because it’s not so simple to just analyze the ships in a vacuum.

I’ve had my own post about why the ending was a fuck you moment, thematically, because it failed to resolve any of the themes and momentum of the series in a way that would be appropriate (either internally or in the context of the supposed genre of shounen.)

I would also say that the ending was a fuck you moment in terms of lore, backstory, and mystery, because all of the historical and political dimensions (i.e., things involving the Soul King and Great Houses) were unceremoniously shuffled off to Can’t Fear Your Own World. Not that any of those things were ever brought up properly in the manga to begin with; the proper and natural time for that would’ve been at the conclusion of the Soul Society arc, when Ichigo and co. spent a week there, which we saw none of. So I would say that everything in CFYOW is basically retconned bullshit hung off prior convenient plot hooks, and that the same was true of TYBW and LSS/TLA/Xcution as well. There may have been some notes and forethought, but it’s about as “valid” as Kevin J. Anderson and Brian Herbert’s Dune works are compared to the original Frank Herbert ones; it’s second-hand, at best.

(This is setting aside that Bleach was clearly made up as it went along. For example: Noriaki literally admitted that he didn’t know who had killed Aizen in Soul Society until he realized that Aizen not being dead was the most shocking answer; the clear baiting and abandonment of Kisuke as the villain hinted at through various means such as his unclear and later retconned reasons for being exiled, and so on. Bleach was very much a J. J. Abrams-style mystery box work that was made as it went with, at best, rough notes, which is why its themes and focus change, for the worse. I also have a post about why it stopped being special, which is part of a running series I intend to write on how to rewrite it to fix and preserve that)

The best recent thing to compare it to is, really, HBO’s adaptation of Game of Thrones, wherein D. B. Weiss and David Benioff openly admitted to removing or deemphasizing story elements, and ignoring themes in adapting the work. The difference is that Bleach was not being adapted from anything; it degraded due to its own creator not understanding what he had created.

(To put it very simply, because this would be the point of Hyperchlorate Part II and would take a whole post to explain: the ending of the Soul Society arc did not properly establish and flesh out Soul Society as a place with a history, space, and purpose. Instead, the Arrancar and Hueco Mundo arcs decided to be a thematic inversion and deconstruction of the Karakura and Soul Society arcs. This again had an ending that did not establish or flesh anything out after Aizen’s defeat, with an even greater diffusion of focus onto ancillary characters. The Xcution arc tripled down on this by addressing something entirely new and retconned in, only to abandon it midway through in favor of going back to invoking Soul Society. And Thousand-Year Blood War took all of these problems to 11. tl;dr: Noriaki tried themes, people hated it, and so he just shoved in more and more dumb sword fights between people nobody cared about, half of whom hadn’t previously existed.)

So, let’s get back to your question. Let’s talk about ships. I’ve clicked a lot of keys and spilled a lot of ink on this subject over the years, but I no longer particularly feel like searching my own archives (really ought to go back through and organize them better) beyond this post and my own follow-up to it about the chronology of IR interactions, so I’m just going to repeat myself.

First, let’s say that Bleach was not ever a manga about ships.

I’m not disavowing that what Rukia and Ichigo had was special. That was called out multiple times through the focus of the art, the dialogue, and by the characters themselves. (Directly by, for example, Orihime’s outright statement to the effect in Soul Society, and her later jealousy regarding it. Indirectly by, say, Uryuu’s acknowledgement that him saving Rukia first would piss Ichigo off. In fact, the biggest indirect indicator doesn’t even involve Ichigo and Rukia; Shunsui asks Chad why he’s there and Chad says he wants to save Rukia, Shunsui calls bullshit that two months isn’t enough time to risk your life for that, and Chad agrees and says he’s there because Ichigo wants to do it. Shunsui moves on, but his argument is left hanging: why was two months enough for Ichigo? Because, as Orihime will later say out loud, Rukia is special.)

What I’m saying is that that was never the focus. It was explicitly constructed that way.

How do I know? The Grand Fisher fight. The Grand Fisher fight is emotionally charged, bringing up both Ichigo and Rukia’s greatest traumas, and is their one real moment of not understanding each other for a time. It was a triumphant moment that made them truly glad to know one another, and you can see it in their reactions afterward (Rukia thanking Ichigo for not dying, Ichigo asking Rukia if he can keep being a Shinigami). There was a lot to unpack there, and you can see it in the way they look at each other.

What happened immediately after the Grand Fisher fight? Noriaki skipped a whole month. We go from June 18th of 2001 to July 17th of 2001. He deliberately skipped all of the emotional impact of that event, and Rukia being around for Ichigo’s 16th birthday. Just never happened. We never hear about it. Wasn’t his focus as a writer.

Now, I’m convinced that was because he was scared of what he had on his hands. He wasn’t willing to commit to either a couple’s battle shoujo or a shounen with male and female seemingly-heterosexual co-equal deuteragonists who clearly had a strong emotional bond. More specifically, he wasn’t willing to make Rukia a centerpiece of the manga despite having designed her first, having made her the moral and philosophical core of his manga, and having based Ichigo entirely around completing and complementing her. But hey, that’s just my opinion, right? Except it kept happening.

From the Grand Fisher fight onward, the name of the game in the manga, structurally, became keeping Ichigo and Rukia apart.

The moment she was taken back to Soul Society, her prominence dropped. We got emotionally charged scenes of them regardless. Right at the conclusion, after yet another emotionally heavy set of Ichigo and Rukia interactions, we again skip almost a month, from the end of the first week in August of 2001 to September 1, 2001. (Due to some completely unnecessary timey-wimey bullshit with the Precipice World.)

In the Arrancar and Hueco Mundo arcs, they have roughly a day together over the course of three months. What happens after every meeting? They’re shuffled apart and split up, and we cut away. This time, for over a year!

Ichigo and Rukia again have a very emotionally charged meeting in the Xcution arc. And what happens at the end of that arc? We skip ahead another month to TYBW. (Xcution ended sometime in May of 2003, TYBW starts June 11, 2003.)

And in TYBW, Rukia and Ichigo barely meet up at all. Indeed, the focus is scarcely upon them.

In CFYOW, neither of them even appear, let alone have any relevance to the plot.

The implication, in my opinion, is pretty obvious: Noriaki was deathly afraid of dealing with the outcomes of their interactions, and that ultimately became him being deathly afraid of allowing them to interact at all to begin with. Why? Well, as I said in one of the last linked posts:

As an author, sometimes you will find your characters will do things you didn’t anticipate or plan for, and you’ve got two choices: you can go with the flow and do what’s natural and deal, or you can fight it and try and impose your vision anyway.

He refused to let his art take the direction it needed to go in.

Now, some people might say he got bored of them, or of having them together. I say that’s bullshit. And the reason I say is down to three things:

He didn’t ignore them, he did his best to keep them apart. I outlined this above.

He did not emphasize anything or anyone else instead. His focus was all over the place. While, admittedly, Ichigo’s prominence also declined, so did everyone else’s.

It would have served him well to focus on their interactions to expand his universe and explore its lore. The things that were detailed in the databooks and CFYOW could’ve been presented naturally and easily if they were together. But that came with a cost of shifting the focus. A cost he refused to pay.

Let’s talk more about (2) and (3) now.

Regarding (2), Chad and Orihime are inextricably linked in Bleach, because they essentially have the same relationship to Ichigo. “But Orihime loves Ichigo, and Chad is his no-homo bro!” someone proclaims. So what? They’re presented as equal and parallel at every step.

They both gain their powers at approximately the same time.

We are told they gained their powers due to the Hogyouku (in Rukia at the time) interpreting their wishes (and no one else’s, such as Tatsuki, Keigo, or Mizuiro), meaning they probably had the same strength of desire.

They both go to Soul Society “for Ichigo.”

They both utterly fail against Yammy and Ulquiorra.

They both spend most of the Hueco Mundo arc doing nothing.

They are both featured prominently in the Xcution arc, and both fail to see through Tsukishima’s powers despite their love for Ichigo. (Meanwhile, Byakuya coolly tries to murder someone who he thinks is his mentor, in Ichigo’s name.)

They both get sidelined in Hueco Mundo with Kisuke in TYBW, doing little to nothing.

They both are utterly ineffectual in the final fight in TYBW.

They are often portrayed together, they are often as effective as one another, and they are equally as developed in their relationship to Ichigo going forward, which is to say: not at all. The loss of focus on IR did not come with an attendant rise of focus on IH, any more than it did with the sudden rise of IchiChad. Nothing was built in IR’s place. There was no emotional or human content which filled its gap.

This is where the IH ending coming “out of nowhere” stems from: it indeed came out of nowhere, because Ichigo was never shown to have any interest in Orihime in all this time, nor an especially close relationship with her. He never hangs out with Chad or shows a bond with him either. He never hangs out with anyone, in fact. (Indeed, “friends” in Bleach do not do any of the things that friends actually do in real life. Nor do parents. You might say that interpersonal relationships and communication largely don’t exist in Bleach. But that’s its whole own topic.)

I would honestly say that more time and emphasis was given on Ichigo’s pseudo-surrogate mother relationship with Ikumi than was spent on him interacting with Orihime. (I would say Noriaki has serious hangups about relationships of any kind, be they romantic, familial, or friendly, and also has some severe hangups regarding mothers and fathers, but that is also its whole own topic.)

Regarding (3), Noriaki apparently wanted this big, Game of Thrones-style world with a long history and political machinations and so on. This is the whole point of TYBW and CFYOW. Trouble is, early Bleach was successful because of its small-scale intimacy. So how do you go from one to the other? You have to lay the foundations at every step. And Noriaki steadfastly refused to do so at every step. Having Ichigo and Rukia interact, and focusing on Rukia while Ichigo was sidelined without powers, would’ve permitted that organically. Indeed, if RR was the endgame, it would have given time to establish that, were it his desire. (Because Rukia never showed any interest in Renji, and frankly Renji always seemed way more preoccupied with Byakuya.) It didn’t serve his goals, but he did it anyway.

It’s much simpler to say he lost focus, and that he started to hate the manga as a whole. Why else would you have Mayuri fighting a giant hand when that achieved nothing, and Kenpachi fighting Thor when that achieved nothing? It became empty. Hollow, you might say.

But that takes us back to the question you posed: where did the ships come from? Nowhere. IH, RR, and fucking TatsuKeigo weren’t established anywhere. They just appeared. Why?

Well, why did every single character wind up doing the exact opposite of their intended and stated goals in the end?

Why did Soul Society revert to its previous attitude and rebuild the Sokyouku?

Why did nothing get resolved?

Why did nothing change?

Why was it all revealed to have been completely and utterly pointless?

In my view, it’s because that ending was a giant fuck you to the readership and Shueisha. There is no other way to interpret an author pulling a 180° and completely nullifying their characters’ arcs, and their work’s themes. Aizen’s little speech at the end is the cherry on top. I read it as Noriaki saying that he’s showing “courage” in telling us all to fuck off.

As to why? That’s an open question. His relationship with Shueisha was contentious, so maybe he was mad at them. (They gave him a deadline once he was dragging his feet, and reclassified Bleach as a joke manga.) His readership was on the decline after the Soul Society arc ended, so maybe he was mad at the audience. I don’t know. I also don’t really care. What I am convinced of is he decided to blow up his franchise and to not leave a single stone unturned when he did so.

That’s where that “ending” comes from, which is why despite it featuring IH and RR, both are thoroughly unsatisfying and without setup: it was the only way to piss absolutely everyone off, including people who wanted that outcome.

In a way, it was his greatest success since the early days of the manga.

Anyway, this was messy, but it’s not a simple topic to address. The tl;dr is that Bleach was a trainwreck from the very beginning that only succeeded on the merits of its characters, and that Noriaki deliberately avoided the promise it had to be something unique and grand. The ships are just a part of that, and cannot be understood in isolation from it.

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/8/2020: PELICAN BLOOD (2019)

If you are reading this and the present date is between October 8 and 11 of 2020, please consider buying a virtual ticket to see Katrin Gebbe’s PELICAN BLOOD, available on demand through the Nightstream festival:

https://watch.eventive.org/nightstream/play/5f6e7e78d6a9bf0036613fa3

I am about to discuss this movie and its conclusion in great detail, but it would be much better for a person to come to it in innocence--not because it’s so reliant on anything as gauche as surprise, but because it is so thoroughly excellent that wading through a movie review first would be like letting your dinner grow cold. And, it simply deserves our support.

When I saw PELICAN BLOOD last year at Fantastic Fest, it became one of my favorite movies before it was even over. I might admit that this was sort of a match made in heaven, as this movie checks almost every one of my personal boxes, but I don’t think my assessment of its value is a simple matter of personal prejudice. I’ve been haunted by it all these months, and deeply worried that somehow I might never see it again. When I discovered that it had landed on Nightstream, I was over the moon.

This is writer-director Katrin Gebbe's second feature, a fact that will astonish you when you see it. Last Blogtober, I wrote about her first feature TORE TANZT, which has the troubling english title NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN. That intense indie drama concerns a born-again christian punk who wishes for an opportunity to prove his devotion to god, and finds it in the form of a family that invites him in off the streets, and then proceeds to torture him. That's an oversimplification of what actually occurs, but it is a film that's hard to be brief about. It's cheap and a little rough around the edges, but it is deliberate, intense, and difficult to forget. (In fact it's supposed to be based on a true story, although I haven't managed to pick up that trail) When I first saw it, it certainly made me wonder what else that director might be up to, and I was astounded when I found out. 2019's PELICAN BLOOD emerged six years after TORE TANZT, with little in between besides a television episode and a segment in the anthology THE FIELD GUIDE TO EVIL, and yet Gebbe's artistic evolution is dumbfounding. Her themes are all unmistakably present--faith versus doubt, mystical versus metaphorical experience, and physical martyrdom--but exploded into a grand, elegant psychodrama that holds the viewer captive every minute of its two hours.

Celebrated german actress Nina Hoss plays Wiebke, a stable owner who trains police horses to tolerate the frightening conditions of a riot. She lives at the edge of her pasture, raising her tween daughter Nicolina (Adelia-Constance Giovanni Ocleppo) on her own. Wiebke has a talent for healing the wounded, or perhaps it's more of a calling; she raised Nicolina, a bulgarian orphan, into a bright, balanced, emotionally available tomboy, and the two of them joyfully anticipate the arrival of Nicolina's new adoptive sister. When little Raya arrives (Katerina Lipovska), she first presents as sweet, even solicitous, needing only a mother's love to fully bloom. However, as soon as she determines that she is welcome and wanted, she undergoes a disturbing transformation into a violent and unpredictable creature, possessed by an abject hatred. Wiebke recognizes that her new child is seriously traumatized, which activates her sense of purpose, and she pledges herself fully to the child's recovery--despite the admonishments of Raya's daycare, her doctors, and virtually everyone around them, that the little girl is beyond all but clinical help, and even that promises no guarantee of salvation. Refusing to give up, Wiebke makes a series of increasingly dangerous personal sacrifices in Raya's name, until finally she finds herself at the doorway to what some consider another world, but what is to others only madness.

Gebbe won Best Director in the main competition at Fantastic Fest, and it would have been a crime if this were otherwise. Her control over what are essentially forces of nature is humbling. Extracting a profoundly moving drama from a cast of adult actors is challenging enough on its own, but to get these terrifyingly convincing performances from children, evoking deep trauma and physical violence to self and others, is another level. As if this weren't enough, Gebbe adds animals into the mix, giving the story of Raya a parallel in the troubled career of a police horse who is considered a lost cause by all but Wiebke. The training scenes in which Wiebke guides the volatile animal through fire and smoke, while her own lifeforce is being progressively depleted by her new child, are as harrowing as anything having to do with parenthood, and Wiebke seems to take the horse just as seriously as her child. Friendly single dad Benedikt (Murathan Muslu) tries to flirt with the trainer by remarking on her unusual career, but she spits bitterly, "The horses are not the problem," giving us a glimpse of the philosophy that drives her.

Another of my favorite german films is Werner Herzog's 1976 short NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH ME. This funny and poignant story involves a bullied and neglected little boy, and it is preceded by a card displaying the adage "There are no bad children, only bad parents." This is the principle that drives Wiebke in work and life: Those who are seen as failures, have been failed by others. One has the sense that Wiebke sees herself in these wretches. She has no partner, and balks at questions about her relationship history, shying from physical affection even with people she knows and likes. A tell-tale scar graces one cheekbone; when she finally begins to welcome the benign Benedikt's advances, he strokes it instead of kissing her, acknowledging that he can see who she really is.

Wiebke tries to extend this same empathy toward Raya, refusing to let the child bait her into wrath and rejection. However, this show of pure faith and tolerance does not work, and the right approach becomes less clear as Raya begins to blame her mounting acts of vandalism, arson and assault on an evil entity that controls her will. A psychiatrist aprises Wiebke that this is the "magic period", in which the child uses magical thinking to divert feelings of guilt and responsibility. But, after a fashion, Wiebke begins to sense this malevolent presence as well. Is this etheric intrusion real? Or is she beginning to empathize with the child--with the experience of grappling with a damaged part of yourself--to the point of dissolving boundaries?

The title of the movie refers to a fable about a pelican whose chicks die, and she resurrects them by feeding them her own blood. This is a clear metaphor for Wiebke's trial with Raya, that becomes shockingly literal when, after endangering her home and relationships by prioritizing the new child, Wiebke places her own health on the line by taking an unregulated drug to give herself a bizarre advantage. When Wiebke discovers the shocking nature of Raya's original trauma, she experiments with the radical idea of treating the girl like a little baby, hoping to start from square one with her capacity to be mothered, and in the service of this dreadful proposition, Wiebke starts taking a lactation-inducing pill that proves to be an immediate risk to her health, and puts her in an even more perilous position with Raya.

Although it focuses on a preternaturally devoted mother, PELICAN BLOOD recalls what makes movies like HEREDITARY and WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN so potent. We have the idea that in becoming parents, we are perpetuating our own essence, extending our history and celebrating the precious connection of blood, which is supposed to impart an automatic same-ness. Unfortunately, this only shakes out to arrogance for many, denying the quirks of psychology, chemistry, and the unique impact of trauma--even if minor, or explainable as something benign--on a mind too young to fully comprehend the nature of the experience. Even without abuse in the home, anyone can have a child less like themselves than they could have ever imagined, for reasons beyond their own control. In all this, the child is innocent, and it is the duty of the parent to prioritize the child's feelings, over the vanity of wanting an heir to your own best qualities. Wiebke sacrifices not only her vanity, but potentially her very life, to show Raya love. When this blood sacrifice does not work, Wiebke finds herself facing the realm of alternative belief as a last resort.

The introduction of PELICAN BLOOD's folk horror element can seem a little left field, if you haven't noted the clues scattered throughout the film. Before the revelation of Raya's boogeyman, Wiebke begins to discover evidence of an old pagan tradition still being practiced around her proverbial neck of the woods. Soon, she tentatively entrusts herself and her child to a local witch, who puts them through a harrowing exorcism. Though the process is uncertain at first, its impact forces Wiebke into a direct acknowledgment of the entity harassing her daughter. And ultimately, it awakens in Raya a capacity for love.

While the reality of the supernatural in PELICAN BLOOD remains in question, I think the effect of this ambiguity is specifically meaningful. I usually scoff at any type of "was it all a dream?" nonsense, as this is a tactic employed by directors who think their greatest accomplishment should be getting one over on the audience. I don't see any inherent value in simply reversing the apparent meaning of things, just to make people feel stupid--and worse, this has trained modern audiences to try to defensively predict the least likely ending to any story, instead of just engaging with it emotionally as it plays out. For this reality-bending trick to be worth anything, one must be able to answer questions like, IF this was all a dream, THEN what meaning is added to the story?

In PELICAN BLOOD, the unresolved question of whether magic is real is of great relevance to the whole concept of belief. Human beings crave extranormal experience; we're deeply attracted to tales of ghosts, UFOs, mythical creatures, and parapsychological abilities. Even the skeptics among us enjoy arguing about these things, and many regular folks without eccentric interests read their horoscope "just for fun". Most telling of all is the enduring popularity of stories about the strange and unusual, which require no particular belief system from the audience; the fantasy of this extra dimension to our mundane lives is just so satisfying. Despite all the pleasure we get from these ideas, though, we tend to cling first and foremost to objective truth; we tell ourselves that if there is no "proof", then an outrageous thing cannot exist. But, this is actually contrary to many of our lived experiences. On the basest level, we delight at videos of insane parkour stunts, at the same time that we say these guys are "like" superheroes, but are actually just guys. My question is, what's the difference? If a person can achieve physical feats that most of us can never imagine attempting, then what difference does it make that this person was not bitten by a radioactive spider? If a fortune teller in a carnival is so good at "cold reading" strangers that she gives the effect of being able to read minds, then what is the appreciable difference between a carny and a "real psychic"? If a faith healer "just convinces" someone to become free from a chronic ailment, and the patient goes on to live a happier life, who cares if no "real magic" was in evidence? What is the difference between exorcism and hypnosis, if the end result is the same for a seriously disturbed child and her mother? The only difference appears to be some material confirmation of specific mystical forces and substances--which, admittedly, would be exciting on its own--but this would still only be an alternative version of the events that led up to the same "miraculous" result. We only worry about the existence of God and magic because our definitions of these things tend to be limited to what we think of as literal and scientific. But, if the correct effects manifest themselves, then all that is purely cosmetic. Belief is real. Faith works.