#i haven’t noticed any other gay looking weapons but it might just be cause this is my main team

[catboyidia]

i noticed that they gave these three gay looking weapons so i decided to color pick pride flags from them and realized i could actually find multiple pride flags in each (although color theory beat my ass because why do they look so much more vibrant on the actual weapons)

[elizabethemerald]

Good gay shit prompt :)

Kingsley's having identity issues in the Blooming Grove.

The mighty Nein sit in a circle with Kingsley after everything and go around and just tell them their Gender and Sexuality Stories.

Ok, you lot!” Kingsley called to the gathered Nein.

They were all spread out around the Blooming Grove. Jester making flower crowns with Yasha. Beau and Caleb deep in conversation with Astrid and Eadwulf, recording Trent’s many crimes. Fjord and Caduceus were meditating near the pond while Essek was busy gardening near them. Veth and her family were playing together near the temple.

At his call, all their heads turned towards him. A few of them stood, hands reaching for weapons as they looked around for any threat. When Kingsley sat with a thump on the grass and gestured them all over they relaxed again, all of the official members of the Mighty Nein gathering close to him.

“So I’m still trying to figure out who I am. And I think I need some help.” Kingsley said. There were a mixed bag of reactions to this statement. A few filled with compassion, a few marked by grief, and not a a one, without a look of love on their face. He’s sure that they will be willing and able to help him. “First of all, why the fuck are all of you so sexy, and second of all what the fuck is going on in my pants?”

There is a second’s pause. Then a spreading laugh goes around the party. Jester immediately plops down, her skirts billowing out around her. The rest of the Nein dropped to the soft grass as well, smiles on their faces.

“That’s a complicated question, liebling.” Caleb said with a smile. “Perhaps it would be easiest if we explained our orientations and identities to give you some examples?”

“I’ll start. You see,” Jester started excitedly. “I’m trans. That means that when I was born my momma thought I might have been a boy Tiefling, but I didn’t think that would be any fun at all so instead I’m a girl Tiefling. My momma knew some magic and some potions to help me get this rocking bod. Now I’m the cutest around!” Jester flexed, her tail curling and waving in the air behind her. Fjord, Beau, Caleb, Yasha, Essek, all nodded in agreement. Even Kingsley couldn’t deny that. “And I’m bisexual, so that means I’m attracted to people who are my gender and people who are not!”

Jester’s wide smile showed off her fangs and caused her soft cheeks to squeeze her eyes almost shut. She looks around at the others, then motions for someone else to take their turn. Caleb coughs and blushes and he fiddles with the grass at his feet, then starts talking.

“Well I am a male, I think that I have always been male. Um. I’m bisexual as well. So I’m attracted to a lot of people.” He glances around, his eyes lingering on where Astrid and Eadwulf are for a moment, then making eye contact with first Essek, then Jester, before blushing completely red. “I also might say that I am able to love more than one person at a time.”

“That’s because you’re so full of love CayLeb.” Jester said. “Didn’t I say that you have a big heart?”

Caleb’s blush matched his hair now. Fjord decided to spare Caleb and cleared his own throat to take the spot light off him.

“Uh, I’m male as well. Like Jester they thought something different when I was a kid at the orphanage, but they were wrong. The blessing of the Wildmother really helped my body match what I looked like in my mind. As for sexuality, I’m pretty flexible, I guess, but I haven’t thought too much about it.”

Caduceus seemed to notice that wasn’t the whole truth but didn’t mention anything. Jester had the widest shit eating grin on her face.

“Flexible huh?” She said, causing Fjord to blush up to his ear tips.

“For me, I like what all of you have going on,” Caduceus said, a calm smile on his face. “Its not really for me though. I don’t really want any of that.”

“Not even for romance, without sex?”

“Nope.”

“What about your gender?”

“My what?” Caduceus looked confused. Then just shrugged and shook his head. “No, none for me thanks.”

Beau gave a short bark of a laugh before growing serious, giving the question her full attention. “Honestly I’ve been a lesbian my whole life, and that’s not going to change. And for my gender, uh, call that lesbian as well. I’m certainly not interested in whatever my parents had in mind for my gender.”

Yasha softly rubbed Beau’s shoulders, the motion delicate for someone as large as she is. “I’m a lesbian as well. You- uh your brother, before…” She stuttered to a stop for a moment. “Before I met any of you, in my tribe we didn’t really use pronouns like they do in the Empire. I use she and they. That makes me happy.”

Beau kissed Yasha’s shoulder, stars shining in her eyes.

Essek, emboldened by the others talking about their experiences, sexualities, and genders, sat forward next, dirt still clinging to his rose patterned gloves.

“Uh, there was a time where I would have agreed with Caduceus, about my feelings toward romance, or sexuality, but some how this group has wormed their way into my heart. I believe the word in Common is demisexual.”

Caleb smiled at him, and gave him a subtle wink.

“I guess that makes me the token het of this group.” Veth said derisively. “Actually I don’t know. I never questioned my gender, or sexuality or anything before the goblins, and it felt strange to do it after. Put me down as questioning for now, and supportive for ever.”

“Does that help at all?” Jester said, bringing the conversation back to Kingsley, who had been watching all of them with interest, his own tail waving lazily behind him. “That’s all of our identities. Is there any other questions you have?”

“Oh I’m sure I’ll have many more questions throughout my life.” Kingsley practically purred, resting his chin on his hand, his elbow on his knee. “But that does help me sort myself out a little more. I think I’ll take a bit from what you’re working with magic man, then if you don’t mind, a little bit of gender from all of you.”

Jester clapped her hands, smiling, as her tail waved back and forth, and Kingsley smiled, and the rest of the Nein smiled with him.

[sagasofazeria]

Beginnings

Song of the Seven Suns, Part 2

Taglist (ask to be added/removed!): @hellishhin

(content warnings: violence, implied sex)

“So?”

“What?”

“You were making gay eyes at the guard. How’d it go?”

“I- Um. We’re gonna talk. Later.”

“Nice. Good for you.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“You’re welcome.”

Jetra smiled. A least Faulkron was quickly making friends. That would end up helping both of them. And honestly, what kind of bard would she be if she didn’t get her friends laid? Getting her new friend set up with somebody less than an hour after meeting said friend was a new record though, even for her.

As much as she enjoyed watching awkward gays at work, however, they had a purpose here other than flirting with cute mercenaries. Sighing and switching the subject to why they were actually here, she said, “Well, now that we’re here, we should see what trouble we can get into before the sun fully sets.”Seeing Faulkron’s reaction, she quickly amended her statement. “Metaphorically, that is.”

Faulkron chuckled a bit. “Hopefully it’s only metaphorical.” Then, he turned his amber eyes back towards the mercenaries, beginning to look around. “We should probably find whoever’s in charge first. Elikon, I think he mentioned?”

With eyes peeled for someone who looked important, the duo walked further into the compound. They could see mercenaries all around, some lounging, some sparring, some sitting intently around tables, planning jobs in hushed tones. Others were playing dice games or otherwise passing the time.

Jetra noted some other mercenaries around who looked promising. A particular halfling and dragonborn were sitting at a table, competitively playing cards. She made a mental note to talk to them later. She also noted a large wooden board, almost completely covered with papyrus scrolls nailed to its surface, likely detailing jobs and notices. Another thing to remember.

She was shaken from her scan of the place by Faulkron’s hand on her shoulder. She turned back to him, following where he was pointing with her eyes.

There in a small courtyard, in a pit of sand, stood 9 figures. The first 8 were standing in two rows, all of them standing dazed and sweaty. Standing in front of the two rows of exhausted trainees was a towering woman with a large spear in her hand. Her dark gray-brown skin was covered in white tattoos. The ones on her face were made like a stylized helmet, to match the gray mohawk that topped her head, as if it were the helmet’s crest. Jetra nodded her approval. Very cool. The woman watched as they approached, sizing them up as they got closer. When she spoke, her voice was rough and firm.

“Well, well, well. What’s this? Wait, hold on.”

She paused her regard of the newcomers to look at the trainees.

“Hey! You eight. You’re dismissed. Take a rest, get some water.”

While the trainees filed off to recover their strength, Faulkron walked forward, holding up a hand in greeting. “I’m Faulkron Rhodes, this is Jetra. Are you Elikon?”

The woman nodded, looking Faulkron and Jetra up and down. “In the flesh. What’s got you asking for me?”

Jetra had never really felt short before. She was happy with her height. However, given that Faulkron was nearly 6 foot, and Elikon was nearly 7 and a half, she was almost considering finding a box to stand on.

“We’ve come searching for opportunities. We were thinking about heading inland, most likely. We’d like to know of any offers, or jobs?”

“Hm. Well we’ve got a board up over by the barracks, you could look there. You’ll probably have better luck tomorrow though, new ones will probably be up by then, and I’m sure the best contracts from today have been taken already. You looking to join, or just here for the info?”

Faulkron bowed his head slightly as they began to back way. “We did not intend on joining, no. But thank you for your help.”

“Well that’s a shame. I could use a warrior like you... If you can back up all that muscle with skill, that is.”

Faulkron stopped.

“Are you insulting me?”

At his question, Elikon only crossed her arms and smirked. “Am I?”

Jetra watched as Faulkron’s eyes narrowed in response, and she suddenly was very glad she wasn’t standing on a box. It made it much easier to back the fuck away from whatever was about to happen.

So much for only metaphorical trouble. And this time it wasn’t even her fault. Which was, in itself, another record for the books.

•••

Elikon watched as Faulkron’s eyes narrowed in anger. She chuckled. “Don’t start this fight. I can spar ‘til dawn, and each mercenary here knows it, ‘cause they’ve seen it. I was only poking at ya. It ain’t worth the humiliation, kid.”

Faulkron felt his cheeks flush. He didn’t come here to fight, not technically. But he wasn’t gonna let this lady talk to him like that, no matter who she was. He’d take the challenge. And he definitely wasn’t gonna let her call him “kid”. Sure he was young for an elf, but not that young.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that at some point, most of the mercenaries had stopped their leisure activities to watch, and had even drawn a circle in the sand.

“I’m not a kid. And if you want to see skill, I’ll show you skill.”

Elikon chuckled. “Alright then. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She threw him a wooden sparring sword, taking a wooden version of her own weapon from a rack just outside the circle. Then, she quickly got back into a fighting stance. He tried to get into his own stance, but before he could, the butt of Elikon’s spear swung towards his temple. He managed to duck, leaping to the side and readying the blade.

Elikon laughed. “Not bad, not bad.”

Before she could go on the offensive again, he stepped forward, slashing downward with a heavy swing. It was powerful, enough to send sand spraying when it hit the ground rather than its target. Elikon was surprisingly nimble for such a large woman, and she had already sidestepped.

He turned back towards her, just in time to deflect away a jab with the spear and make a quick swing of his own. This one she simply knocked away with her gauntlet, before continuing her assault.

The fight went on, both fighters attacking back and forth, blow after blow. Faulkron could feel himself wearing out, but Elikon kept going, barely even winded. After quite a few minutes of intense sparring, Faulkron was panting, sweat pouring down his face. Thankfully, the sun had set, and it was cooling off now, but his muscles were aching, and the temperature wasn’t helping him much now.

He watched as Elikon stalked forward, spear held aloft. Before he could make another attack, she spun her weapon, aiming to slam the shaft into his side. Before the hit could land, however, he caught the spear, using his other hand to swing his sword forward with all his weight. She twisted to dodge, but she wasn’t fast enough, and blade cracked across her chest. Quite literally, cracked. Faulkron watched in shock as the other half of the sword fell to the ground, Elikon laughing all the while. There was no evidence, save the broken sword, that he’d even hit her at all.

“This skin’s tough, but that was a good one! I like the spirit.” He almost thought it was over, until his legs were swept from under him. He slammed onto his back, hard. Elikon just laughed again, before she offered a hand to help him up. Defeated and exhausted, he accepted. She pulled him to his feet easily, clapping him on the back. “You could use some training still, but you’ve definitely got skill. The offer to join up still stands, if you wanna think about it. You did well. Now go get some rest, and drink some water.”

As Faulkron made his way out of the courtyard with his wounded pride in tow, he saw Jetra talking to two more mercenaries, where it looked like they had been watching the fight. They were all sitting around a table with some game pieces scattered across it. Jetra stood as he approached, tossing him a cloth.

“If it makes you feel any better, it was at least one hell of a show.”

Faulkron sighed. “Not much, but thanks.” He turned to the other two people at the table. “Who are they?”

The first one stood on his chair at being mentioned, hands on his hips, bringing him to just about eye level.

“I’m Fuego Tamir. Sorcerer, assassin, and baddest bitch around. ‘Sup.”

Faulkron looked over Fuego. The halfling was dressed in dark robes with flame designs on it, and the chest and arms were open, showing off a startling amount of tattoos. The biggest one, right on the center of his chest, was a large stylized skull with “RUN” written beneath it, right between two small identical u-shaped scars just under his chest muscles. His hair was dyed a fiery red at the ends, and held up in a ponytail, shaved at the sides of his head to make room for more tattoos. He had a scimitar on his hip that also had crimson flame designs carved onto it.

“I’m Faulkron. And who are you?” He looked over to the blue dragonborn warrior who sat in the other chair. Her scales were a vibrant blue, but they were covered with various cloths that looked suited for desert travel. A khopesh hung off of their left hip.

“I am Shakari. You fought well, Faulkron.”

“Thanks.”

Jetra nodded. “They’re headed inland too. We were talking, and it looks they’ve both got experience with both magic and the blade. Figured they might join us. Could always use some extra swords.”

Faulkron nodded. “Ah, good idea. If you all don’t mind though, I’m going to go recover. Jetra?”

“I’ll see you in the morning. Come find me at the Spinning Compass, by the marketplace. We can devise a plan then.”

“See you then.”

Fuego called out as well. “When you need to find us, we’ll be here.”

Faulkron nodded in response. He eventually recollected himself, and began heading off to find some place to rest. Before he could leave the compound though, he was approached by Alejandro, who was smiling and holding two flasks.

“Hola! You did pretty good out there. I haven’t been here long, but it seemed you made a lot of good impressions. Most of the warriors that spar with Elikon last half the time you did.”

Faulkron faltered a bit, not expecting such immediate praise from Alejandro, or to be told he actually did well.

“Well, I’m sure you did really well too.”

“I’d like to say I did, but it wasn’t quite as spectacular as your fight.”

Alejandro paused a moment. “I’m sure Elikon told you drink water, would you like some?” he asked, holding out the other flask.

“Yeah, she did. Thank you.” Faulkron gladly accepted, gulping down the water. After he finished, he stood for a moment, unsure what to say next.

“I... you wanted to talk, right?”

Alejandro nodded. “Sí, I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere with less rules and less deadly weapons, and talk a while? Maybe have some drinks?”

“That... yes! It sounds good, yes.” Faulkron was starting to stumble over himself a bit, still a little tired and kind of in shock that this was happening at this specific moment.

“Good! Come then. If you haven’t already heard, the wine here is to die for. It’s one of the things I’ve got to give the company credit for, they did pick a good city for a bunch of thirsty mercenaries to revel in.”

With that, Faulkron followed Alejandro back to the pavilion in the marketplace he’d seen earlier, which was now far busier. They drank and talked for a while, and by the time midnight came around they were both grinning like idiots. They danced with the music as the night went on, occasionally bumping into each other or other dancers. Eventually, Faulkron stepped away from the pavilion a few paces, Alejandro just behind him.

Faulkron took a deep breath of the night air to clear his mind. He was far more relaxed now, and he was enjoying his night with Alejandro immensely. They had talked about a lot of things, from fighting to weapons to the ocean to the wine. Overall, it was going quite well. Suddenly, he had an idea. “Let’s go on a walk. It’s way too hot and loud here, and I’m sure it looks nice here at night.”

“I agree, it is perhaps a little crowded. And the city does look quite nice at night, though I’m not certain that it’d compare with what I’ve already seen.” Alejandro said it nonchalantly, but there was a flirtatious tone in his voice as he regarded Faulkron.

Faulkron could only hope Alejandro couldn’t tell how hard he was blushing.

Decision made, they began to walk off, snaking their way out of the crowded pavilion, through the marketplace and out into the silent torchlit streets.

They walked along for a while, enjoying the fresh air, the tapestry of shining stars in the clear night sky, and each other’s company, letting the effects of the wine trickle away.

Eventually, Faulkron turned to Alejandro. It was late, and he started to ramble on before he could stop himself.

“Okay, so I know it’s late so you should probably head back to the camp and sleep. I will be fine, because I’m elvish, but you need your sleep, you know? This has been fun, please don’t get me wrong, I really liked it, but I don’t wanna keep you up and-“

He was halted by Alejandro’s finger on his lips.

“Hush. It’s alright. I can sleep in. It isn’t that much of an issue. Plus, they don’t exactly allow swordplay in the compound barracks.” Alejandro winked at the word ‘swordplay’.

Faulkron felt his face flush again as he caught the meaning.

“Oh. Good point. Okay. Yeah. I mean, if you say so. Are you sure?” Faulkron laughed a little with nervousness. How in all the worlds is he still interested?

“I’m sure.”

Alejandro grinned, then slowly leaned forward, and placed a small kiss on Faulkron’s jaw. Faulkron felt it almost like a distant breeze, and his face got warm again.

Alejandro smiled at him again. “There’s more where that came from, you know.”

And Faulkron wasn’t about to say no to that.

With that, the two wandered off into the night.

Part 1 | Part 3

[king-finnigan]

For the mash up prompts: 55, Established Relationship and 69, Flirting Under Fire. Geraskier is my OTP, but I also feel like it'd be fun with any Witcher/Witcher pairing 😍

Sorry for the late answer, dear! I’m a bit busy with school right now, so anyone who’s still waiting for a reply, please bear with me! I will get to it eventually.

Also I did make this Geraskier, because I haven’t read the books or played the games, so I’m not entirely comfortable writing the other Witchers as major characters 😅

***

Of three things Jaskier is absolutely certain.

1. He regrets each and every action that has lead up to now, to the situation he has suddenly found himself in.

2. There are two pairs of eyes trained on him and Geralt, as they sit at the bar, one friendly, one hostile. Or both friendly. Or both hostile. He’s not sure of things like that anymore.

3. He loves Geralt. He really does. But his boyfriend might be the worst undercover cop he’s ever seen in his entire goddamn life.

As the son of the patriarch of the Pankratz family, he’s seen a lot of undercover cops - some better than others, yet no matter how good, all of them were found out by his dad, and got executed and dumped into the ocean. But none of them have been as bad as Geralt.

He really does wonder how the hell his boyfriend managed to get hired by the FBI, as Geralt looks at him, unease evident on his face - even though he’s supposed to seduce Jaskier - and says: “I- I like your... eyes. They’re... very blue.” 

Jaskier swallows thickly, hand tightening around the pint in front of him, as he fights the overwhelming urge to slam his head into the bar. He can feel his dad’s eyes boring into his back, and remembers the conversation they had earlier that day, when he pulled Jaskier aside, telling him he’s a hundred percent sure that their latest acquisition is an undercover cop - because of course he immediately knew Geralt wasn’t a criminal, big shocker - and that Jaskier needs to get close to him, find out what the Feds know about their operations and criminal activity.

He sighs, softly, trying to save Geralt’s awkward flirting, by shooting him a quick wink, putting on his most charming smile. “Thanks. My eyes are pretty special, though, they’re only blue when I’m looking at hot people.”

Geralt stammers, frowning a bit, mouth opening and closing like a fish on dry land, and Jaskier has to fight not to smack his forehead.

“But...” Geralt eventually replies “they’re always blue, no matter who you’re looking at.”

Now Jaskier has to fight the urge not to smack Geralt. He shoots a quick look over his shoulder, seeing his dad still staring at him. He turns back to his boyfriend who is actually not supposed to be his boyfriend at all. “Geralt, work with me goddammit. We’re supposed to seduce each other and it’s not gonna be believable if you say stupid shit like that,” he hisses.

“Sorry, I’m not good at this,” Geralt whispers back.

“Fucking clearly!”

He shoots a look over his other shoulder, meeting the other pair of eyes that keeps staring at them. Geralt’s colleague, another undercover cop. She’s been in the family a while, and his dad only keeps her around to feed her false information about their activities, to put the Feds on wild goose chases for drug or weapon deals that are never gonna happen.

Though, he knows that she’s aware that the information they’ve been feeding her is false, by now. That’s why the Feds sent Geralt - to seduce Jaskier, the brazen, gay wildchild of the Pankratz patriarch, and maybe get correct information about the family’s business. And she’s keeping an eye on them, to make sure Geralt does his job and doesn’t betray her or himself.

Little does she know Jaskier’s dad already knows Geralt’s a cop.

Because Geralt fucking sucks at being undercover.

He tries again. “Your eyes are lovely, though.” They’re one of the first things he noticed about Geralt when they first met, about a year ago, a few hours before they slept together for the first time. Neither of them had known about each other’s occupations at the time, and by the time they figured out that they were supposed to be mortal enemies, it had been too late - they had already fallen for each other.

“Thanks...” Geralt mutters, toying with his own pint “I... need them to see.”

Jaskier wonders how the fuck he ever managed to fall in love with this idiot.

But, then again, there hadn’t been any need for flirting, when they first met. They had instantly been attracted to each other, and talking just got in the way of kissing, really. And after that, Jaskier had fallen for Geralt because he always expressed his love through his actions, not his words.

So, really, deep down, he had already known Geralt would suck at flirting and would fail at ‘seducing’ Jaskier, especially with Jaskier’s dad and the other cop staring at them the whole time.

The question, really, is: how the fuck didn’t the FBI see this coming? Did they really think they could just put a hot man next to Jaskier, and he would immediately dive into bed with him and tell him all his family’s secrets?

Granted, that’s exactly what happened - a year ago, though. Not that the FBI knows. Not that they’ll ever know, hopefully.

He tries to summarize the situation for himself, as all these schemes and intrications have got his head spinning.

So, long story short: He is part of the mob, Geralt is a cop. They’ve been in a secret relationship for about a year now, and Jaskier’s dad expects him to seduce Geralt so they can find out what the Feds know, and the Feds expect Geralt to seduce Jaskier so they can get correct intel on the Pankratz’s activities.

Fucking marvellous.

He tries to have one more go at this ‘seduction’ thing, just to at least keep up appearances a little bit. “So, Ger-” he blinks, trying to remember his boyfriend’s undercover name “James. Is your hair white everywhere, or just on your head?” He leans his elbow on the bar, putting his chin in his hand, his index finger pulling his lower lip down slightly, looking up at Geralt through his lashes.

Just because his boyfriend sucks at flirting, doesn’t mean Jaskier can’t do it.

And, fortunately, it works. Geralt’s eyes flick down to Jaskier’s lips for a brief moment, as he shifts in his seat a bit, a blush creeping up his neck. “I- uh...”

Jaskier looks at him innocently, batting his eyelashes, exaggerating it so he’s sure his dad and the other undercover cop can see it. “I would love to find out.”

Geralt blinks again, leaning towards Jaskier. “You already know that, though.”

Jaskier sighs, once again resisting the urge to smash his head into the bar. “Geralt, I love you but you’re so fucking stupid. How the hell did you ever get hired by the FBI?” he hisses.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a bit stressed.”

“Yes, I can see that! The whole fucking bar can see that! This is never going to be believable if you keep acting like I’m holding you at gunpoint!”

“Oh, my bad, sorry I’m a bit nervous about this. It’s not as if your dad’s gonna execute me if he finds out I’m an undercover cop!” He sounds properly angry now, brows knitted together over furious amber eyes.

Jaskier scoffs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “He already fucking knows, Geralt. You’re literally the worst undercover cop I’ve ever seen and the FBI sends us, like, a dozen a year. He’s only keeping you alive if I can seduce you - or, at least” he waves his hand non-committally “if he thinks I’ve seduced you.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want to worry you even more, you absolute idiot! You’re already acting like someone shoved a stick so far up your ass it’s triggering your gag reflex!”

“You of all people should know that I don’t have a gag reflex!”

Jaskier blinks, raising his finger at Geralt. “I know that, and I love you, but that wasn’t my point. My point was-” he lowers his hand, frowning. “What was my point?”

He looks up when he hears his dad’s voice next to him. “Everything alright here?”

Jaskier smiles, leaning away from Geralt until he’s sitting upright again. “Everything’s perfectly fine,” he shoots Geralt, who’s still glaring at him, a warning look. “Right, James?”

Geralt stares at him for another second, before leaning back as well, smiling at Jaskier’s dad so unconvincingly it makes Jaskier cringe. “Yeah, everything’s great.”

The patriarch looks between them for a split second. “Right.” He looks at Jaskier. “If anything’s the matter, tell me.” He looks at Geralt, though his words are still directed towards his son. “I’ll take care of it, then.”

“Nope! Everything’s perfectly fine. Nothing to worry about.”

Jaskier’s dad nods, and walks away. Geralt glares at him again. “And I thought you said I was a shitty actor!”

Jaskier grits his teeth together, standing up abruptly, taking Geralt’s arm, dragging his boyfriend/supposed-to-be-mortal-enemy to the back of the bar, into his dad’s office, slamming the door behind him. “Fucking stop looking at me like you’re going to kill me! You’re convincing no one that you’re seducing me!”

“Maybe that’s a good thing!” Geralt half-shouts. “Maybe if I can’t seduce you, they’ll pull me out of this operation and things can go back to normal!”

“No, they fucking can’t! Cause if I can’t seduce you, my dad’s gonna have your head because you’re the worst fucking undercover cop in the history of the FBI!”

“I could just leave! I could walk out of here and never show my face again! Problem solved!”

“No! He’ll just track you down and kill you anyways, you mud-for-brains idiot!”

“Then what do you suppose we do? You pretend you’ve seduced me and then what? We can’t fucking keep this up forever!”

Jaskier frowns, thinking for half a second. “Then you just out yourself as an undercover cop and say you’ve switched sides! There! End of discussion, problem solved!”

“But I won’t switch sides!”

“It doesn’t fucking matter whose side you’re on if you’re dead!”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck me yourself, you coward!”

“I already am!”

Jaskier blinks. “Fair enough.” He laughs when Geralt leans against the wall and almost knocks a painting off its hook.

He stalks forward. “Gods, Geralt, you’re so fucking stupid.” He grabs his boyfriend by the back of his neck, pulling him closer, smashing their lips together.

Geralt groans in surprise, but immediately kisses him back, pulling Jaskier flush against his chest.

The door to the office opens, and Jaskier pulls back, meeting eyes with his dad, who’s standing in the doorway. 

“My apologies,” the patriarch says, “I didn’t realize you two were... busy.” He closes the door behind him.

“Right,” Jaskier mutters, as Geralt laughs softly. “Problem solved, I guess.”

[novelnerdqueers]

Tell Me To Stay - Chapter 3

Summary :  Roman and Logan work on another case together, but this one doesn't seem so black and white. Roman begins to get a little more comfortable with Logan, throwing some friendly conversation his way and Logan isn't totally sure how to feel about it.

CW: talk of murder cases 

Previous chapter  Next chapter  From the beginning Read on ao3 

Chapter 3 - Personal Attachments 

The next morning Roman woke up early. He made some breakfast and as he ate, the theatrical man began to internally plan his day for himself. Today they were going down to the crime scene for a new case , which wasn't his favourite thing. They tended to always come back to haunt him, especially when the victim was young. He drove to work and was sitting in the office, however, Logan was nowhere to be seen. He thought it was strange and he was a little disappointed but he got to work, nonetheless.

Logan walked into the office and tried his best to offer a warm greeting. "Sorry I'm late," he apologized. "They needed me back in the archives, my old department, they just needed help organizing stuff that hadn’t been finalized from back before I left.” He sat down and looked at Roman, primed and ready for the day. "So what are we up to today?"

"We have to examine the crime scene. It's about a twenty-minute drive but I want to start early so let’s get going, hun," he smirked at Logan, throwing him an experimental wink. He then briskly and gracefully walked out of the office with a neat folder of notes and files under his arm. "You can look at these on the drive over, it's good intel."

Logan followed Roman feeling rather bewildered. Was Roman flirting with him or was that just his sense of humour? Logan couldn't tell and it made him slightly uneasy. Now they were alone in a small vehicle together and he could feel the faint whisper of gay panic™ in the back of his mind. Get a grip man, he thought to himself as he attempted to read through the file Roman had given him.

"It talks about the body in the file, mainly specific details, but they had to remove it from the scene. We are working on a 100-metre radius from where the body was found. We have to look for anything that seems suspicious or like it might help with the case or give us a potential lead," Roman explained as he drove. They arrived at the scene and got out of the car to join the others who had already started working. Early morning sun highlighted the more acute features on Roman's face, his long eyelashes, defined cheekbones and honey freckles.

Logan tried not to stare, he really did. But the breeze playing with Roman's hair in the soft morning light made it hard not to. They were on the side of a highway off-ramp and behind them, the city rose up high with buildings. Before them, down beyond the ramp, a path led to a small wooded area where the body had been found. Logan had never been on an actual crime scene yet, so this was new to him . "I'm thinking that those woods might hold some interesting information," he said as he headed slowly towards the trees, Roman following right behind.

Logan was quickly feeling more confident and even if he'd never admit it, Roman was happy he was adjusting so well. "The body was found near the woods, by the treeline. It was in pretty bad condition too. The cause of death was blunt force trauma and it was recorded to be on the temple, also marks and bruises on the arms and a few hits to the back and abdomen. We think it was a bat, but we haven't found the weapon yet."

Logan entered the forest path and wandered a bit, looking for anything that could be a clue. He stepped beyond the path and saw a tree that seemed oddly damaged. "You said you guys thought the weapon might have been a bat right?" Roman nodded to him, obviously curious to see where Logan was going with this. "The branches on this tree look like they supported a lot of unexpected weight. Kind of as if someone was trying to climb and then suddenly fell. A tumble from the top would definitely cause multiple contusions and the size of the branches could very well match our victim's injuries."

Roman gave a small thoughtful look in consideration. He walked around the tree, circling around the base as he scanned the bark. "You know? It does add up. It's definitely possible." Roman turned to where a few people were rushing about, busily scanning at places of interest. "Jane? I want forensics on this area, specifically the tree, we need to place where the victim was before she died," Roman yelled over at a smaller woman who quickly turned at hearing her name, then gave Roman a nod in acknowledgement. He then turned to Logan. "That's a pretty good theory, you want to keep looking?"

Logan hadn't heard that last comment, he was deep in thought, trying to connect the dots. "Why would she have climbed the tree though?" he mused out loud. "I mean sure to escape would be the immediate idea, but it's really not the best place to hide or getaway. There's nowhere to go from up there if she did end up getting caught." Logan approached the tree and looked up through the branches. "Is it just me or does it look like there might be a hole in the side of the trunk up there?"

Roman followed Logan's line of sight and saw that on the side of the tree there did seem to be a hollow compartment, just past the thick, brown bark.  "I think you're right, it seems almost hollow." He frowned, "Don't touch it, we need the forensic team." He jogged over to where the forensics team was and went to speak to Jane, leaving Logan briefly on his own.

Logan scanned the ground around the tree. He walked around a bit, still keeping his eyes on the forest floor. He suddenly stopped and knelt by a patch of leaves. Something was glinting on the ground. "Hey Roman," Logan called, pointing out the section of leaves. "What do you think that might be?" he asked once Roman was back next to him

Roman's face screwed up in confusion, "I'm not sure, Logan, but I bet you know." He smirked semi-sarcastically, waiting for Logan to continue.

"Well, it looks like some form of precious or semi-precious stone. My theory is that this is a remnant of whatever loot was stashed in that tree." Logan was really starting to enjoy himself. He was usually quite good at coming up with theories and having accurate conclusions. It was nice that for once his ideas were being taken seriously in a work-related environment.

"Could it also be shards of glass? Some form of metal, perhaps?" Roman suggested.

"I mean maybe... guess we'll have to see what forensic says." Logan felt like he was maybe getting a little too ahead of himself.

"Exactly, though it wasn't an outlandish theory, it was getting a little off track." Roman patted Logan's shoulder and then promptly refocused his attention on the case. "Do you want me to show you the area where the body was found? It's a lot of blood, just for the fair warning," he winced as he seemed to be thinking about it.

"Yeah if it's okay, I’d like to go see. This is my first crime scene so I'd like to take the full experience to see if I can actually handle it." Logan got back up and followed Roman to where it was obvious the girl's body was found. He felt a little queasy at the sight of it all, but mostly he was intrigued.

He was glad he wasn't too squeamish and didn't end up making a fool of himself in front of the others. It hadn't rained since the incident so the blood marks were still visible on the ground. Logan looked up and saw that Roman’s face held a pained expression. He couldn't help but wonder why. Roman had to be somewhat used to it at this point.

As Roman stood there, he couldn’t help but think about how no matter how many times he saw it, he would never get used to seeing bodies or blood. It was heart-breaking, she was so young too... He stood there for a while, quiet as he watched Logan observe the scene. It helped to have him there. Roman felt that little bit safer, which he definitely needed at a scene like this. He had stayed quiet as Logan walked around the scene, the usually boisterous man not making any kind of remark, his movements were anxious and delicate. He was acting the opposite of...well, Roman. Logan had never seen him freaked out like this. He wasn't sure why yet, he didn't know if he wanted to know either.

As Logan analyzed the scene, he made an effort to take in every detail. He had an eidetic memory so whatever he noticed now he knew he would be able to remember later if need be. He was ready to head back and update his notes on the case. He looked at Roman. "So are we done here? Are we heading back to the office or..?"

For a second, Roman didn't acknowledge that he'd said anything. He stared at the bloody floor, like it had a soul, and glared before he opened his mouth to speak, and then hesitated as nothing came out. He tried again, "....Y-Yeah, we should, we can type up our...observations," he sighed, shakily turning to the car and walking in that direction.

Logan wondered if he should be worried about Roman. He wasn't all that good at deciphering emotions and his empathy wasn't the best. Still, he had the feeling something was off. Roman was quiet as they drove back. Even being generally one for silence, Logan suddenly couldn't help himself anymore. "Hey um... I don't know if you mind my asking but... are you okay?"

Roman blinked slightly, seemingly stuck between shocked and scared. He bit down on his lower lip and sighed, "I'm-...I'm fine, it's just with...those sorts of scenes...I've seen some shit, Logan...that doesn't mean it's any easier to look at. That was a person, one we failed to save, one I failed to save..."

"Woah where did that come from?" exclaimed Logan. He was shocked by what he had just heard. "You sound like you knew her... did... did you?" Logan was afraid he'd gone too far but the fire and pain burning in Roman's eyes concerned him greatly.

"Not...not properly, I mean, somewhat....she is-...was a regular at my brother's café. It's a youth café, a safe space for people to just relax, no pressure, she was there a lot. A few times I drove her home because she used to stay past closing time. God, Patton, my brother, was heartbroken. His boyfriend has barely gotten him to move this week, but Virgil is acting like practically a saint. So yes, I did know her. She was...a wonderful person."

Logan couldn't speak. He was flabbergasted by Roman's confession. He had really misjudged him that first morning. Roman now looked on the verge of tears. Logan felt a knot in his stomach as he tried to take it all in. "Wow...I.. just... wow..." There really wasn't much to be said after something like that.

"D-...Don't even think about pitying me... I don't want pity, I want justice, this girl was innocent, and now...she's gone. I need to put it right, to fix it." He rubbed at his face.

"Look I find it admirable what you're doing, but aren't you putting a lot on yourself?" Logan was genuinely concerned at this point. "Like you seem a bit too emotionally invested in this for it to be mentally healthy no?" He really hoped he wasn't overstepping his bounds, but he didn't like the way Roman seemed to blame himself for something that clearly was not his fault.

Roman's hands tightened slightly on the wheel and he tensed up, "I just want her to be given the justice she deserves. I'm sure I'll be fine, I've dealt with a lot more work and a lot of worse cases before. So what if this one just happens to be someone I know?" Why does he care so much? I just don't understand it, though it's nice to have someone care about me again, I don't really understand why he does. "I appreciate the concern, but I've been fine, aside from the occasional nightmare and feeling a little more stressed than usual."

Logan's eyes widened at this point. He wasn't sure if he should be telling anyone about this or not. He definitely didn't want to be the snitch to tattle but he didn't think this was following department code. Then again what did he know? He also didn't dare betray Roman's trust. "Okay then..." Logan replied, "You and I will do our very best to get to the bottom of this."

Roman seemed to relax ever so slightly at this. They sat in silence for the rest of the way. Logan tried to not let this bother him too much, but he had an odd suspicion about the case after what they had seen today. He didn't tell Roman, not after what he had just heard, but he had a feeling that the girl might not have been as completely innocent as Roman believed.

…...

They got back to the station, and Roman was regretting telling Logan about knowing her. He just needed to tell someone and Logan was, or at least seemed to be trustworthy. He sat at his desk and wrote up his notes, watching as Logan sat at his own desk and the steady tapping of keyboards slowly fell in time with one another. "Hey, Logan? I'm sorry if I put a lot on you, back in the car. I don't think this is my fault, I know it's not. But it's my job to find them, the people who did this..."

Logan nodded slowly at this. "I get that I guess." So Roman was at the very least partially disillusioned in regards to his personal investment in the case and his heart was in the right place. That comforted him a bit. "Well, sorry if I seemed insensitive earlier, I tend to do that unwillingly.." Logan really wanted this partnership to go well. Not only for the sake of his new job but because he genuinely was starting to enjoy working with Roman.

Roman stared for a second, seeming to be considering something. "No, it's fine, I understand. I wouldn't really know how to react to something like that either. The captain knows that I knew her and how I knew her, just not in detail." Roman smiled at Logan meaningfully, taking a deep breath and starting to speak again. "I don't usually talk about anything, especially to people I don’t know very well , but you seem...trustworthy. I like you, Logan, you aren't as...unpredictable as others can be. It feels safer." He smiled nervously and then went back to his typing.

"I... I think that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time." Logan immediately blushed at hearing himself. Out loud always sounded different than in his head. He turned to his own screen and tried to look busy, which wasn't too hard since he was trying to reorganize all their current information. But it was true. Logan was used to being teased for being so tame, so unspontaneous. It wasn't that his old coworkers didn't have nice things to say, but it was always about the job and the things he did. Who he was as a person always seemed to be the butt of every joke.

Roman looked up from his work, pushing his fears down as they bubbled fiercely in the pit of his stomach. "You don't get many compliments?" He asked, a slight smirk picking upon his face as he immediately took the opportunity presented to him "That's surprising. I would have thought you'd get compliments all the time, especially with a face like that."

Now Logan knew his face had to be bright red and for the sake of not being completely embarrassed, he ignored the second half of that compliment. "Well I mean I'd receive praise in regards to my work ethic, getting the job done and being able to deliver. But I don't really get... how can I say this... I'm not used to... personal compliments." He looked up at Roman, hoping he understood what he meant. "It's funny... with you, I realise I don't feel like I have to feel bad about being myself." Logan swallowed, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been this honest with anyone.

"Well, they clearly didn't see what I see." Before he could even think about it, the words had already left his lips. Roman was internally freaking out, but on the outside, he looked at Logan with such care and honesty. Logan is getting flustered, maybe tone it down a bit, don't scare him off, he thought to himself. Watching as Logan stuttered and hesitated while trying to form a coherent response, he really doesn't get that many compliments.

Now Logan was in full panic mode. The kindness and sincerity in Roman's eyes were jarring to him. He desperately tried to answer something, but at the moment his thoughts just would not form sentences. Is this guy flirting with me or I am reading way too much into this? Logan thought nervously. "Well... I.. thank you.. it means a lot coming from someone like you."

"Someone like me?" Roman beamed, watching the other officer as he quickly got more and more flustered. He got up and walked over to Logan's desk, sitting on the desk chair next to him. "What do you mean by that?"

He looked annoyingly casual the whole time, not even slightly bothered, aside from the light blush against his freckled cheeks. Other than that, he looked slightly amused and still had the most infuriating and weirdly attractive smirk on his face.

Oh gosh, what did he mean by that? Logan felt cornered. He was afraid of what he might say or how it might be perceived. "It's just... you're experienced here... you've probably worked with a bunch of other people before so you know what you're talking about." Gosh, that sounded lame and impersonal. "I'd heard a lot about you before coming here. You're rather well known in the precinct. No one knows who I am unless they need me."

"Oh right, yes, of course. I've got quite the reputation, yes. Nonetheless, I appreciate the compliment, thank you." He got up and walked back over to his own desk, typing at his keyboard once again. He was rather disappointed. Of course, Logan was talking about his career and his reputation. He rubbed his hand across his face and sighed. "How long do you think you'll need to finish up  your notes?"

"Oh um I'm just about finished here. 2 more minutes and I think this should cover everything for now." Logan had thought he’d felt a shift in Roman's mood and he was pretty sure he’d somehow messed up . Maybe Roman had actually been flirting with him. But now it was too late and Logan didn't know how to fix his blunder. He just wanted to finish and go home where he could try to wrap his head around everything.

"Good, I'm just about done, so I'll see you tomorrow?" Roman picked up his bag and tried to hide his disappointment with a smile as he rushed out to get to his car. He knew his mind was probably being a little hard on him, he should think it over and not let it change anything. He liked Logan and a silly crush wouldn't get in the way of that. He drove home and collapsed on his couch, extremely tired and a little upset.

Logan finished up and headed home, his head was throbbing by the time he got back. What had just happened back there? Logan wasn’t entirely sure. Roman was unlike anyone he'd ever met. Sure he'd had the odd crush here and there, but he wasn’t exactly sure what this was, it felt different somehow.

** Tag list (let us know if you would like to be added or removed): @crossiantgay

[cobieeliseforsh]

I'm getting pretty annoyed with the amount of bullshit in the media right now. I just read an article about the "antisemitic" conspiracy theory Qanon. Calling Qanon antisemitic is like calling the KKK a group opposed to the career of Will Smith - technically true, but clearly a small subsection of a greater whole.

So, to remedy this...

COBIE'S FRUSTRATED GUIDE TO QANON FROM SOMEONE WHO LOVES CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND WISHES THIS ONE WOULD FUCK OFF BECAUSE IT IS BORING AS SHIT BUT NOT FIZZING WITH ENERGY, EVEN ON A MOLECULAR LEVEL, BECAUSE IT IS A DUMB AND LAZY REHASH FROM THE 80S OR EARLIER!

PART 1: DA FUCQ IS QANON?

Qanon is a grooming organisation for the Christian Far Right Death Cult that has held the Republican party in its sweaty hands since the ascent of Reagan in the 1980s. They believe in some bullshit I won't reprint here because I have no intention of spreading their ideology, but if you've heard of the Satanic panic, this is Satanic Panic 2: Now With Pizza!

Qanon is, by definition of their own supporters attacks on Muslim terrorism, a terrorist organisation. And, though it seems impossible, they're stupidier than ISIS ever were, because at least there was some twisted logic behind ISIS: poor young men fighting revolutionary wars against what they see as corrupt and immoral authorities and ideologies is nothing new. Qanon is literally the powerful declaring war on those without power out of fear that those without power (Satanists) live only to physically abuse their ugly, fat, prejudiced, stupid children. Despite the statistically most likely people to abuse them being them themselves, and there being plenty of evidence that many of these hypocrites have done that in the past (numerically many - one thing I believe Qanon followers on is that the majority are gullible Maud Flanders types, so statistically it won't be that many).

Donald Trump supports them over the "violent" Antifa (Antifa haven't killed anyone since 1993 (and that was a suicide), aren't actually an organisation, and are against facism, which Trump also claims to be against), despite Qanon followers carrying and firing weapons regularly, having shot up a pizza place in a terrorist act, refusing to wear masks, and other acts of violence designed to terrorise people.

PART 2 WHO DO THEY HATE?

Um... like, 98% of people.

Qanon is primarily an Apocalyptic Christian Far Right Death Cult. They believe in what they call SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) which happens at such a low frequency as to make it as serious a problem as being invaded by pookas. You might find anecdotal evidence here and there, but the majority of cases are hearsay spread by people who weren't there who were a part of or raised by people who were a part of the Satanic Panic. If you hear about it, it's likely bullshit. Just look at the West Memphis 3: accused of Satanic Ritual Abuse, they were sent to prison for wearing black clothes and being teenagers without any evidence. Now, whoever killed those boys is still loose, because Qanon, like all right-wing groups, is about being obeyed, not about justice.

So, with Satanic Ritual Abuse being fucking vapour, they can accuse ANYONE. And if there is no evidence, they cry COVER UP. There is no way, at all, to prove this mindset is wrong as it always self corrects, because being religious in origin, it is driven by BELIEF, not evidence.

So, whoever they believe is evil, is, as far as their reality tunnel goes.

Muslims? Evil child abusers. "But there is no evidence of that. In fact, the Muslim community is actually very protective of their children and other children. They're amongst the kindest people you can meet, even if their political leaders in their own countries are jerks." Well, says Qanon, that's because their community covers up the abuse. There wouldn't be any evidence. But my cousin went to school with a girl who was groomed by a Muslim. It's clear it is something all Muslims do. "But that's stupid. That's like saying that because Ted Bundy, a heterosexual white Republican, murdered loads of women, all heterosexual white Republicans want to murder women!" Now, says Qanon, you are just being silly. Besides, I believe Muslims are bad and Republicans aren't. You can't question my beliefs.

But we can, and we should.

Qanon followers use this vague structure to create complex webs that link up various conspiracy theories, but they aren't a complex web. They're just a list of petty grievances they have from living in their own personal echo chamber.

They hate women, they hate girls, they hate boys who don't conform to their expectations, they hate men who vote left-wing, they hate gay people, bi people, really anyone who isn't heterosexual, they definitely hate trans people (see: trans people want to use bathrooms to abuse children as merely an extension of the Satanic Ritual Abuse claims), they hate people with coloured hair, bright clothes, they hate Jewish people, they hate Muslims, they hate anyone from a fringe religion that doesn't look right, they hate foreigners, black and brown people... anyone they define as different. And to back this up, they claim to be "the majority" being dictated to be a "minority" - they aren't. They're a minority of gobby cunts, a Karen of Nazis (Karen being the best collective noun to describe these childish crybabies who were so desperate to remain in a state of childlike innocence they embraced both religion and then keep insisting their imaginary friend, Jesus, is following them everywhere, like a psychotic stalker ghost).

PART 3 WHERE DOES THEIR BULLSHIT COME FROM?

This is probably the most important part. Not what they believe, but where these ideas come from, and why they aren't new.

Qanon is a mixture of young-and-edgy YouTube/8chan influencer, white supremacist religious manipulation, pro-Capitalist Protestant religious "life is shit, embrace misery" ideology, pedophile hysteria, and "we hate the idea people have rights because we're power mad, but we're going to frame this as a backlash, normal people making their voices heard, a culture war, or whatever else we can rebrand PREJUDICE because even we don't want to admit we are bigots".

So, first of all, the angry white online teenagers: have always existed, will always exist. Their parents don't give a shit about them unless they cause trouble. So, they learn quickly that the best way to get attention is to cause trouble, which leads to kinship with other troubkemakers, forming an echo chamber of escalating troublemaking. But they're also angry, and often poor (in their eyes, or in actuality), so they're drawn to outrage, and like causing it. They're attracted to movements like this because they believe it's a chance to get some attention, someone to notice them.

And who notices them? White supremacists are always on the lookout for recruits. They feed their need for outrage and attention by misrepresenting everything. They take puff-piece news articles and shoddy journalism and further twist them into movements around positions that have no basis in reality. Vaccines? Designed to hurt you. "Uhhh, no," you say. "That's literally the opposite of what a vaccine does." I don't believe that, they say, and you can't question my beliefs. BLM? Terrorism. "No, they just want to not be shot." No they don't, they want to take over and put the Jews in power, and you can't question my beliefs! "You have no evidence!" COVER UP! they scream.

So it goes, so it goes.

Meanwhile, the Protestan work ethic of, "If you didn't suffer, you don't deserve it," goes on and on. They believe that shit things just happen, you can't stop them. Capitalism is founded on this very, very relugious principle: work should be pain for it to have value. This justifies promoting assholes, and making things difficult. But it also promotes the idea that you can't do anything to combat inequality, as that is natural, and you can't do anything to stop bad things happening, they always will, so why try? This lends Qanon a specific pattern: complain, do nothing, complain nothing is being done, still do nothing, repeat. It's wrong to intervene, you see. This allows them to say racism is bad, but God wants us to suffer so we deserve phony-heaven, a paradise they think is built on bricks of human misery... does that sound glorious to you? And if you have something, clearly you did suffer to get it, and so you are worthy, which is why Trump is a hero to them and they believe his every utterance of verbal diarrhea about him being persecuted (to be fair, he is, but he deserves it because he's lazy and incompetent).

Pedophile hysteria is also generally religiously motivated. Children should be protected, but they are not innocent angels. I've worked with children. Some are nice, some are sneaky, some are violent bullies, and so on. The one thing that unites all children is that they are ignorant. That's why we send them to school. And there are people who want to prey on children. The world we usually use to describe those who most often hurt, abuse and damage children is, "family". Promoting the idea of gangs of rampaging pedophiles snatching children into vans and harming them in shadowy rooms, or murdering them in some Satanic ritual, is laughable compared to the epidemic of children being harmed by those parents terrified the pedophiles are out there. Such fear motivates them to do untold harm to children, restricting their freedoms and their growth, teaching them that all sex is bad so they never enjoy it, forcing them to be things they aren't, and turning a blind eye to obvious abuse because those doing it are not the model of abuse being put out by the press and Internet communities. In that last way, Qanon is a driver of child abuse: it actively encourages Apocalyptic Christian Far Right Death Cult members to nit even ask the obvious question: if Epstein was abusing kids, and Epstein was hanging out with Trump, was Trump maybe involved in some way?

And then there is just the prejudiced crowd, most notably the American-exceptionalism delusional whack jobs. Let me be clear, all forms of exceptionalism are prejudiced, as they suggest that those who are exceptional are better and mire deserving than others, and the real world does not contain such hierarchies, just stuff that happens until it stops happening. A monkey may be the alpha, but one day they won't be. It's not a hierarchy, it's just a thing that happens that we project a power structure onto. Who knows what monkey culture is like? Maybe to them deference is more honourable and respected than being in charge. No-one has asked monkeys for their views of ideology or power structures.

This often manifests itself in ideas of, "We shouldn't be ashamed!" and that movements they don't like are, "Against us!" Well, if you're setting out to hurt people because you believe you are better than them, you should be ashamed. That queer Pakistani girl you keep out of college could have been the one to cure cancer! She might have had the unique perspective to make that breakthrough. And, yes, some of us are against Qanon, because Qanon is hurting people. That is the point of the movement: to harm its enemies, by denial if freedom all the way up to outright murder. It isn't a Pride parade or BLM demanding equality and an end to deaths, its a hate movement driven by a desire to punch down, and ultimately perpetuate the very system that isn't even working for those who follow its own ideology.

It's based on fear of the new, even if that new place is better than the old one, change can be scary. They think equality will hurt them, the way collective bargaining would hurt them. But we don't live in a system where resources are so finite you have to do without, we live in a system where resources are finite but we throw away an excess because capitalism couldn't make rich people richer by giving it to those who need it, so they dispose of it and introduce scarcity to drive up the cost. Working together would force them to stop doing that, which is why movements like this exist: to perpetuate a form of exceptionalism more like a cult, where only the leaders reap the rewards.

PART 4 WHAT IS THE END GOAL OF QANON?

It doesn't have one.

Qanon is a right-wing movement. Right-wing movements are about winning arguments now, and then feeling smug, even when the damage is undone later. It's about a sense of self-satisfaction, and not anything else.

Plus, Qanon has so many stake-holders who hate each other that the movement will eventually descend into cannibalism as all these things do.

Finally, being primarily religious in its design, it won't take long for many religious types to realise Q is kind if a God-like figure, a false idol, and when that happens, plenty if their leaders will become worried that their followers are so focused on Q they might "stray from the path" of donating all their money to their church.

Unless it turns out that Q is Q from Star Trek, in which case their end goal is to test Jean-Luc Picard.

PART 5 SHOULD WE FEAR QANON?

Nah. It's a group of fringe lunatics whose time in the spotlight will be fleeting. As I've already said, even their ideas aren't original - this is the Apocalyptic Christian Far Right Death Cult version of Fortnite stealing dances: everyone goes crazy about it for a bit, but it's so insubstantial in its original form, nevermind the cover band version, that almost all people with a lick of common sense will dismiss it. Plus, it doesn't serve any agenda: Trump could easily find himself on the receiving end of it, that one Qanon politician just elected will likely be marginalised the moment Trump vanishes, and having a single person won't sway any votes in such divisive times, which means they'll be proclaimed ineffectual soon enough, and with Epstein it is already showing that it isn't something which helps the powerful, meaning a lot of people who do have secrets will want it gone sooner rather than later lest it bite their own hands. Plus, they are actually harming people - and say what you like about the Republicans, they don't tend to respond well to the PR disaster of groups they side with directly attacking or killing people unless they are their own ACAB stormtroopers.

Plus, it's a bunch of saddos on the Internet. Chances are if you see someone screaming about Qanon and waving around a gun, they'd have done the same and screamed about lizards had it never got started.

PART 6 WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Stop giving them attention. This is one of the most BORING conspiracy theories ever created. Seriously, since 9/11, conspiracy theories have really gone downhill. They used to be about aliens and subterranean kingdoms, and now they're just attempts to misdirect pedophile hunters from the right-wing types who have covered up child abuse, and tie it to phony "think of the children" and "Satan is out to get us" religious hysteria.

With covid-19, the press is having a very slow news cycle, so they're desperately grabbing at anything that can drive search engine algorithm clicks to their sites, so they're covering Qanon because they've seen it trending. I doubt most people involved with it really believe in it, but it is so directionless that it wouldn't matter if they did. Qanon Con would descend into bloodshed fairly quickly because everyone would be angry and arguing that the tater tots are secret SRA code for cannibalising children or that it reveals that Hilary Clinton buries children beneath fields of potatoes. It's stupid, the people involved with it are stupid, and the bigger question is what they believe that led them to this:

Disenfranchisement. Having to respect the beliefs of others. Prejudice. Anger.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo. If these shitbags actually want to stop harm to children, maybe stop supporting gun rights so kids aren't being gunned down in schools, and black kids don't keep getting gunned down everywhere. Until you do that, Qanon, you're the child abusers.

[clownhara]

I've been following you for a while but I dont know all that much about your OCs so how about a big resume of them all?? :DDD

I haven't really posted much about them on this account until recently so that doesn't really suprise me 😅 but yeah I absolutely can! Warning though this is going to be unbelievably long

I guess I should start off with Zensuke because he is THE gay purple cat. I named this blog after this guy. I made him when I was probably like 12-13 or around there so he had all the things you'd expect a repressed edgy kid's of to have. He was basically a demon who managed to get out of thier world's equivalent of hell and instead of doing anything evil he just made cake and got married to the guard who was supposed to kill him. I don't really do much with him anymore but I still love him very much.

Corbinian is probably the character I talk most about and he's the one I edit to fit into different worlds the most. He was a normal doctor but he got his memory wiped by robots and ended up working as an executioner for the robotic mafia, but eventually got caught and had to hide out in Lobotomy (he was originally a Lobotomy Corp oc) where he discovered he can extract abnormality dna and with some altering the dna can be injected into humans causing a variety of different mutations and effects. He's usually very heartless and manipulative, but does have a soft spot, usually for anxious, soft spoken people, who subconsciously remind him of his brother (who is a friends if so I can't really get into him). He also was given a variety of nicknames by the higher ups, like Corb, Corn chip, Corb on the Orb, or just Corn. Je

Corble is the result of Corb trying out human cloning. He has the same general appearance as Corbinian, but with purple hair (hence the name, because he's porble corb) that's styled differently. Since the experiment was technically a failure Corb was going to kill him, but Corble was really sweet and innocent and Corb basically went "well great guess I adopted my clone then". Corb stopped messing with cloning but adores Corble.

Might as well get all of my Lobotomy ocs out of the way. Oliver is the first Lobotomy oc I ever made, which is funny because I may or may not constantly forget that he exists. Oliver is basically a five year old kid in an adults body, and I mean that literally, because his parents basically locked him in a room and ignored him so his mental age is basically that of a kids. He's very mischievous and loves pulling pranks on people, most of which are harmless. Unless it's Corb, whom Oliver gates with a passion. Then it's thinly veiled murder attempts disgusted as pranks. He loves Fairy tales, and only works with fairy tale abnormalities because he panics with any other kind. Only one person in the entire facility can even put up with him, and that's Mabel.

Mabel is trans lesbian who can find the good in almost anyone. She's optimistic, bubbly, and has a great sense of humor. She tends to get really flustered around women though. Is it obvious I kinda projected onto her a bit? Because I did. If she wasn't in Lobotomy she'd definitely be a streamer. I'm just now realizing I basically made snapcube before I knew who that was. Whoops.

Up next is Adam! Adam is quiet, nervous, and honestly just prefers to not be noticed. Their ability to almost seamlessly blend into thier surroundings is astounding. Most people (me included) tend to just forget they exist. Which honestly is funny because they end up dating the loudest, most cocky person in the entire facility. Adam loves horror movies and spicy food.

Kieth is the loudest, most cocky person in the entire facility. He's the adopted son of a sephirah and the leader of the Rabbit team so that much is unavoidable. He's quick to anger, blunt, and tends to underestimate other people. However, he's also loyal to a fault, and willing to back his friends up no matter what. He feels like his mom's are expecting him to live up to expectations that he can't (and that they don't have but he doesn't realize that), so he's constantly throwing himself in harm's way to desperately try to prove to them that they made a good investment by adopting him or die trying. His two passions in life are collecting weapons and tending to rabbits, two of which he managed to train to sit on his shoulders and attack people. Despite being total opposites he loves Adam very much and will endure any horror movie with them, even if he's a huge scaredy cat.

Damien doesn't gave that much development, unfortunately. He came from a very religious household, moved out, and frequently gets possessed by an abnormality who makes him act like a cryptid. Totally normal stuff. He also went to law school.

Zephyr is a very, very serious individual. They've got a completely monotone color palette, speak either in short, blunt sentences or long, fanciful paragraphs with no in between, and tend to come off as cold and stiff. They're completely devoted to work, which is how they managed to become a captain. Despite this, they're very kind and caring, but unfortunately rarely get to show that side of themselves unless it's with Jamison, thier partner, both in crime and in the romantic sense. They also have a love/hate relationship with Owen, basically openly hating his guts but also enjoys thier banter and would hate if anything genuinely awful happened to them or his family.

Jamison is the complete opposite of Zephyr. He's an open book, very colorful, and tends to slack of when Zephyr isn't looking. Not on purpose, he just tends to get distracted most of the time. He's quite popular because he's very cheerful, which is rare in the higher ranks of Lobotomy. He'd absolutely die for Zephyr, and us usually the one who patches thier wounds. He really doesn't like Owen and thinks thier a pain in the ass, but keeps that to himself most of the time.

Owen is..... Interesting. I kinda went buck wild with him not gonna lie. He's one of the oldest son's of the God of Nightmares and Fire, an absolute agent of choas, and a campy fashion nightmare. But... I love them. They're both unbelievably obnoxious and also very caring. He's the kind of character you'd love but also hate at the same time. He also ended up becoming the God of Death in one timeline. If he wasn't God they'd probably run makeup guru/cursed amsr YouTube channel. Honestly he'd still run those as a God though. Also gender is a toy store and Owen is a kid who broke in after dark and is running along pushing all of the assorted genders into a cart while laughing maniacally (they use any pronouns but I stuck to just he/him they/them for this little snippet)

Alright, Lobotomy ocs done. Up next is.... Ugh... Octavious. He's originally a Danganronpa oc, the shsl gossip, and he was made to be a villian and by God does it show. He's the most fake, back stabbing, two faced character I've ever made. He's also the most one dimensional, which was actually intensional. He has no personality beyond being a petty, lying bitch, so when he runs out of lies and rumors to spread he goes into an existential crisis about how he has virtually no identity until he makes some new lie up about some random person. He's also abusive towards his younger sibling Aspyn, whom he has both physically and emotionally scarred. And, the icing on the "fuck this guy" cake, he's incredibly obsessive over his "wife" Melissa, who wants nothing to do with him and never even dated him, let alone married him. Basically he's a horrible, lying, abusive stalker. He also dresses exclusively in eye burn pink since the most poisonous bugs are usually brightly colored. Fuck Octavious, all my homies hate Octavious.

Next is Melissa, who honestly wasn't much better before her arc. She was raised to believe that in order to truely succeed in life, you have to ensure others fail. She, unfortunately, took that advice to heart. Get arc consisted of learning that we all can succeed together and that actively fucking other people over just made her an awful person, so she changed her behavior and tried to help people from then on out. She's incredibly meticulous, organized, and really smart. She still has issues trusting, but she's getting better. She has a crush on Octavious's younger sibling, but absolutely despises Octavious.

Aspyn is a quiet, caring individual who has no confidence both due to Octavious and just how they were raised. They are an incredibly skilled doctor, however, managing to perform amazingly in several different fields. They are, however, very defensive about thier passions, quick to insult anyone who questions them, mainly due to Octavious. They have a huge crush Melissa, but is to afraid to ask her out. Also they wear an eye patch because Octavious messed up one of thier eyes.

Hooo boy where to start with Edward. He's really inconsistent between universes, but the main constants are his power (he can trade bodies with people), him and Max getting together, him being a huge bookworm, and somehow he usually ends up being my self inserts dad???? Hos other aspects tend to change. Sometimes he's a power hungry megalomaniac who's trying to take over the world and will crush anyone and everyone who gets in his way or isn't useful to him, using his power evily to stay young forever by trading bodies with his kids and killing them when they're in his body. Other times, he's a fairly calm, if not a little cold, man whos biggest crime is the occasional tax evasion, who's power is more of a curse, causing him to stay alive forever through a series of unfortunate coincidences. Either way he's fun to write

Max is one of my favorite characters. He loves baking, his friends and family, he isn't too bright but no one holds that against him. Unfortunately, no matter which side of Edward it is, he's hopelessly in love with him, which can lead to his downfall. He's very protective of his cousin Heron, and tries to protect the innocent, which he usually doesn't end up doing thanks to evil Edwards manipulation. I also somehow failed to mention he's a plant man and flowers sprout wherever he walks and he can control plants but I couldn't find a good way to fit that in naturally.

Heron is half a plant man, in the worst possible way. He has rose vines instead of blood, which feels exactly how you think it would. Magic keeps his alive luckily, but it's unbelievably painful. Most of him and Max's family died when they were young, and unlike Mac who ended up on the streets, Heron ended up in an orphanage, where he learned at a young age that he shouldn't get close to anyone because if he does, they'd die. He genuinely believes that, and the only person he thinks is immune, is his cousin Max, who he even still expects to drop dead. Heron mainly fights by breaking his skin so his vines will grow rapidly and trap and kill his attacker, which looking back is uh. Kinda symbolic. I didn't do that on purpose but it fits

Eden is an angel, who was outcasted from heaven after being framed for a crime they didn't commit. They don't understand how humans work, but is trying thier best to fit in. He's one of the few beings Heron trusts, and even still Heron doesn't trust them much because of Eden's ability, being able to control holy flames. Eden is stoic and aloof, with an odd sense of humor. He insists that him baking using his holy flames is a form of training. Despite them claiming to be above human emotions, they very much are not above them and he is actually quite emotional.

Avocado is one of Herons old friends, who fell victim to Herons "luck" (aka they died). They are a drider (basically spider centaur) who came from a large family of drider thieves. They are very quiet and kind, which they use to thier advantage, since one would thing they'd steal small objects from people's houses or pickpocket them, which Avocado very much does. While they're fairly weak in combat thier thieving skills are not to be underestimated.

Grape is Avocados older sibling, and they are very serious and quite rude. Grape wants to kill Heron to avenge thier sibling, but ends up getting caught robbing the wrong person and ends up having to join the person's kids adventuring party.

Apple is the oldest drider sibling, and ends up taking a motherly role for all of the younger kids. They had to grow up incredibly fast, and has to make all of the hard decisions in place of thier dying father. Desperately needs a break.

There's more spider siblings but there isn't much info on them

Both Sherry and Theodore Poser are mainly just there because I have them really fun designs and don't really have a personality. Sherry's kinda hard to draw though

[chungledown-bimothy]

Impure

Hello hello hello I am not dead and still am capable of writing lmao. Here’s 1.5k to make up for it?

Summary:  Blood is naturally clear and as thin as water. It darkens and thickens with each impure act. Patton has always dedicated himself to doing good and helping people- but suddenly his blood is black and so thick it doesn't drip.

Warnings: blood mention (obviously), self-harm, swearing (I am incapable of writing non-swearing Patton)

Pairing(s): logicality, blink-and-you-miss-it prinxiety

Word Count: 1530

Tag List: @ccecode @ren-allen @emo-sanders-sides-loving-unicorn@ilovemygaydad @bloodropsblog @funsizedgremlin @raygelkitty @roxiefox23 @thomasthesandersengine @echomist13

"Ow! Crap!" Patton muttered as his needle splintered, piercing his finger. Dropping the beanie he was knitting to donate to his local homeless shelter, he held his hand up to the light to remove the bit of wood stuck in his finger. When black ooze squeezed through the wound, as it was far too thick to describe it any other way, he let out a series of decidedly impure swear words.

Everyone knew that everyone is born with clear blood that runs like water, and every rude, immoral, selfish, or impure act makes it darker and thicker. Some people, of course, didn't care, but and others, like Patton, did as much good as they could possibly do. The state of one's blood was, of course, not without consequences. Employers made hiring and pay decisions based on blood state, landlords could deny you a lease if your blood is too thick. However, this is not a problem for the vast majority of people. Studies showed that the average adult living a decent life, not doing anything atrocious, had blood like maple syrup- medium in color and slightly thicker than water.

Patton was not "the average adult". Even before he learned about what was colloquially known as "The Blood Thing", he did as much good as he possibly could. Three years ago, when he got his job and apartment, his blood was clean- the phlebotomist who drew the samples told him that they'd never seen an adult with blood so clean. So what happened? I've been good! How could my blood go from clean to… this?  There was only one way to find out- he needed to go to the Hall of Records, where every impure action is recorded.

-

Half an hour later, the Hall of Records loomed above him, cold and judgemental. He took a deep breath and walked through the heavy oak doors.

"Greetings. Welcome to the Hall of Records. How may I be of assistance?" Patton jumped, not noticing the man behind the reception desk.

"Howdy, Logan!", Patton said, reading the man's nameplate. "I'd love to take a little peek at my Record if I could. It's a pleasure to meet you!"

"It, um, is a pleasure to meet you as well. Most people don't want to look at their Record; they see it as a…. list of personal failures, as it were. May I ask why you'd like to see yours?" Logan seemed embarrassed to ask, and Patton couldn't help but notice how adorable the man's blush was.

"Of course, kiddo! There was just a little change in my blood, and I can't seem to think of what might have caused it."

"Hmm, I see. Very unusual. Yes, I would very much enjoy helping you solve this mystery."

"Ha! Solving a mystery! Like Sherlock Holmes!"

"I- I suppose one could see it that way," Logan replied, blushing even more, "Can I get your name, so we can locate your Record?"

"Oh my, so rude of me not to introduce myself! I'm Patton, Patton Sanders."

"Sanders? What a coincidence- my best friend's surname is also Sanders. First name Virgil; do you know him, by any chance?"

"Yes! He's my baby brother! Which means you must be the Records keeper he's always talking about! Man, he looks up to you so much. What a coincidence! Small world, eh?"

"He- he does? Highly illogical; I am, as they say, a 'disaster gay'. Perhaps I should talk to him, clear up this obvious confusion." Logan muttered.

"Oh no, I've mucked it all up, haven't I? Please don't tell him I told you that; he'd never forgive me."

"Very well, I would hate to sow familial strife. Now, shall we go retrieve your Record?"

"Thank you so much, kiddo! Yes, please! Allons-y!"

"D- Doctor Who?"

"Yes!! Virge never told me you're a Whovian too! Isn't Ten just the best? He's just so- oh my, look at me, going on when we have work to do!"

"In- indeed. If you'll follow me, your Record is this way." If Patton noticed how well Logan filled out his dress slacks, well, his blood couldn't get much worse, could it?

A few minutes later, Logan stopped at one of the immense bookcases and grabbed a thin volume clearly labeled "Patton Sanders".

"Here we are- your Record."

"It's so thin! How could my blood be- never mind."

"Patton, I know we just met, but there seems to be more going on than simple curiosity about a small change in your blood. May I ask what's truly going on?"

"I- okay. Virge trusts you, and I trust his judgment. The last time my blood was checked, three years ago, my blood was clean. I'm not bragging, it just was. I pricked my finger this morning, and my blood is black sludge. I can't figure out what I did so wrong, and a Record this thin… I must have done something truly horrible, and I don't know if I can live with myself if I did something that bad. What you don't know can't hurt you."

"Falsehood. If I may, ignorance is not bliss. Knowledge is an incomparably valuable multi-purpose tool that is instrumental in identifying and solving any problem. If you're worried about getting hurt, then seek knowledge. It is our greatest weapon... and our greatest defense. I strongly believe that it is best that you know, and if it truly is as bad as you fear, you have the support of your brother… and me."

"Wow, Logan, that was beautiful. You're right. Okay, let's see what happened." Patton opened the book, and across the first page, in big, bold, red letters, simply read "GAY". He frantically flipped through the rest of the pages- Yeah, I came out last year, but this can't be it. It's not impure or wrong to be gay. Love is love. They're wrong. There must be something else. And there was. On the final page, even bigger text read, "TRANSGENDER".

"No! No. NO. This is wrong. This is what's wrong. Not me. This isn't fair, this isn't correct. NO." Patton screamed, a yell of pure rage and frustration and pain.

"Pa- Patton? What happened?" Logan asked, voice soft and concerned.

"Here. Look at it. Apparently, I'm the worst kind of person, someone who deserves this filth in my veins, for being gay and nonbinary."

"WHAT? No. Impossible. This can't be."

"Who even decides what's 'pure' or not? What asshole decided that I'm so disgusting?"

"I- I don't know. I've never been able to find any concrete information. This can't be. Then I... " Logan took his keys from his pocket, white as a sheet. With a small cry of pain, he drew his key across his arm, drawing blood. But it was hardly blood. It was sludge, barely flowing, practically a solid.

"Oh, Logan. Mine is the same. This is unfair. Is there anything we can do? You're so smart, do you know if there's an appeals process or anything?"

"Oh, um, uh, that's really sweet of you, Patton. And, uh, not- not that I know of. We don't even know who we could appeal to." Logan stuttered, blushing furiously.

"Okay, well, then there's only one thing we can do, as I see it."

"What is that?"

"Fuck the system. I've been living for the cleanest blood I can, but apparently, that's impossible given who I am. So fuck it. I'm done living for the system. From this point on, I live for myself. Do good because it's a good thing to do, not worry every second about doing something wrong."

"That sounds excellent. Perhaps we can spread the word about this, raise awareness. Obviously, the powers that be keep tabs on us; if we can create enough public outcry, they might change their minds."

"Logan that's brilliant! I could kiss you! And I know where to start! My friend Roman is an actor- maybe I can get him to say something, use his position of influence to start the conversation!"

"That… sounds like an excellent plan. And, uh, for the record, I would not necessarily be opposed to you kissing me."

"I…"

"Pardon me. That was unprofessional and completely uncalled for and I apologize. I don't know what came over me- I understand if you don't want to see-" Logan was cut off by Patton's lips against his, sweet and brief.

"It didn't make me uncomfortable. I like you, Logan, and if we're gonna have this crap in our veins, we might as well deserve it. Let me give you my number, and let's get dinner some time?"

"I'd love that."

----

Ultimately, nothing changed. LGBT+ people still had the worst blood anyone had ever seen. But society changed. Over the years, the Love is Clean campaign got politicians elected who made blood analysis for jobs, housing, and anything else illegal. People, in general, stopped caring about their blood. Some still did, of course, but overall, Patton Sanders and Logan Fowler, along with Virgil Sanders and Roman Prince, made the world a better place. Both pairs lived happily ever after, knowing they'd done more good with the worst blood than anyone with blood like water.

[elsinore-snores]

an entire detail star wars episode IX plot I wrote myself

please read this if the last jedi made you horribly depressed and angry bc i fixed all of it!

also im broke and this took 3 days to write so if you want to donate to my paypal it’s putumark@gmail.com

We open with a crawl that reveals that Finn and Poe haven’t seen each other in several months. Poe has been busy working on establishing new leadership in a resistance that parts of no longer trusts him, and Finn has been trying to find out who he is now that he’s out of his coma and in a abusive relationship. Leia has left because she feels she can no longer command the resistance objectively, now that Kylo is in charge of the FO and she shit on Poe like that. The Resistance is more splintered than ever, divided over whether or not Rey WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE PERSON WHO SAVED THEM FROM THE FIRST ORDER is really working with them or not. 

(continued below)

Okay, now the movie starts. Because of this distrust, Rey leaves in the middle of the night without telling anyone, prompting Poe and others to question her loyalty to the resistance. Finn sticks up for her, but Rose does not. Poe and Finn have a tenuous reunion with Rose present, and Poe is very suspicious of Rose. He notices something strange about Finn, and confronts him about it privately in a very gay scene where they express concern for each other, and Poe opens up to Finn that he’s never had a chance to heal from Kylo’s torture BUT ALSO now that he feels he was betrayed by General Organa, who slapped and stunned him and objectified him, and who he viewed as a surrogate mother. He also asks Finn about Rose, and Finn finally tells him that since he’s woken up from his coma, he’s felt different. He’s been having strange health problems, feeling dizzy, having lots of anxiety, and being clumsy as a result. He tells Poe that he’s always had a voice in the back of his head telling him to run, but that it’s louder than ever now, and that he feels like anything good he has, he needs to be grateful for and hold on to, because he might not have it soon enough. This includes Rose... Poe asks Finn if he is happy, but they are interrupted an urgent high command meeting. 

Ultimately the new Resistance high command (led by Ackbar, my fish boy) decides to send Poe and Finn to find Rey, and leaves the judgement up to them whether she is going to or already has betrayed them. They’ve managed to track the ship Rey used to flee to the planet of Qi Nuur, a planet populated by refugees from the war. Her ship landed on the outskirts of a major city, and the high command expresses concern that Rey may give the coordinates of the city to the FO, or that her being there might make a city full of innocent refugees a target. Rose tries to stop them from leaving by basically implying Finn isn’t competent enough to handle it, (in like an albeist way) but Finn sticks up for himself and they break up. Bye Rose! Finn and Poe and BB8 take the falcon and fly to the planet.

They find Rey’s ship, but not her. Finn is distressed to see she left her lightsaber behind, as well as the kyber crystal necklace she took from Luke’s hut. (She did this off screen in TLJ.) They go to the city to find her and Finn sees again, firsthand, the destruction that the First Order has caused. Finn is completely overwhelmed by the emotion around him and needs to sit down. Poe is compassionate and understanding, and does his best to comfort his friend. He feels guilty, and Poe tries to convince him of his bravery, (because he is freaking brave fight me) but it’s clear that Rose’s distrust of him and degrading remarks have left a mark. Poe goes off on his own to look inside a makeshift Force Temple to see if Rey is there. Finn speaks to several refugees. He asks them if they know any families who have lost children to the stormtrooper program, but they tell him every family who had a child taken into the program was child, so the children would have nothing to go back to. 

Finn finds himself distracted by an old building he feels himself pulled towards, which he enters. It is a makeshift library, and the old man who runs it explains that they are trying to save all the knowledge that the FO wants to destroy. When he sees Finn has a lightsaber he assumes Finn is the new jedi he’s heard so much about. Finn tries to tell them he is not. but he’s stunned when the old man tells him that he never had any hope before that anyone could stop the first order, but he has hope again now that this new Jedi will be what is finally needed to restore the balance to the force. He tells Finn that he has spent his entire life as a coward, after his family was killed by the empire during the destruction of Alderaan, but since hearing about this new Jedi, he has become inspired to save this knowledge and fight back against the FO. He gives Finn a book that once belonged to Obi Wan Kenobi. Finn finally breaks down and tells him that he’s “just a stormtrooper who rebelled”. The old man is DELIGHTED by this, and tells Finn that it takes real bravery to fight back against the people who enslaved him his entire life. Finn feels now that the things Poe has been gushing about (his bravery) are not just Poe being nice and friendly. Finn tells the old man that people like him give him hope and are the reason he keeps fighting, and specifically mentions Lor San Tekka and the bravery of the villagers at Tuanul.

Poe finds Finn and tells them that they have to go, that the First Order is coming. Finn asks if they’re running, and Poe tells them hell NO they are stealing a transport ship and evacuating the city. HE’S THE BEST PILOT IN THE GALAXY AFTER ALL. The hype is real, we recapture the magic of the TFA escape scene. They have the Resistance’s full support on this, and the starfighters are going to buy them time to do whatever they need to do. They steal the ship and begin loading it with refugees. They’re almost done when the first FO TIE-silencer piloted by Kylo breaks through. Finn senses this as it happens, and becomes extremely dizzy and distressed, before he can even see the TIE. It’s about to attack when Finn and Poe confess they love each other. They kiss in front of the refugees and the LOVE between an ex-STORMTROOPER and a RESISTANCE FIGHTER becomes a symbol of hope against a fascist authoritarian dictatorship. Finn runs to the falcon like a hero and takes off to fight them, telling Poe he’ll buy them time. Finn is only able to use one-gunner in the Falcon, and so can really just chase the TIE around while taking hits. He takes a bad hit and starts to go down when the force ghost of Han Solo appears to him and tells him the secret to how he made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs when a parsec is a unit of distance and not time. He tells Finn he cheated and took a shortcut. He instructs Finn to do the same thing and cheat. Finn gives up control of the Falcon and makes it seem like it’s about to crash into the ground. In the LAST SECOND Finn flips the Falcon upside down and launches into light speed only a few meters from the ground. Kylo gets his Silencer destroyed by the ensuing explosion of dirt and rock that kicks up from the ground when Finn did this. It’s great, he’s so mad. 

Finn closes his eyes and let’s something guide him, telling him to duck out of lightspeed at the exact time he’s meeting up with Poe’s refugee ship, which is about to dock on Takodana. Poe comms him and tells him he’s “One hell of a pilot!”

They embrace with a hug and a kiss when they land on Takodana, and Maz Kanata is just delighted by this. She tells them that (gay) love is the most powerful weapon they have against the First Order. Also, groups of refugees are pointing at Finn, all excited. Finn is a little paranoid at first, but Poe explains he was literally talking him up the entire time to the entire ship full of refugees, telling the the story of the stormtrooper with empathy who was fighting to save them all. Maz Kanata has been rebuilding their castle using elements from all of the different cultures that are now mixing together on Takodana, which has become a melting pot of misplaced people. 

Later that night, Finn and Poe watch all these people happy and interacting because of something they did! They’re the heroes! Poe keeps glancing at Finn, and Finn is confused, because Poe looks confused by him. Like he’s trying to figure something out. However, Finn keeps noticing Maz Kanata staring at him and excuses himself to go talk to her. Finn asks her if he still has the eys of someone who wants to run. She tells him yes, but they’re not running away from something, but towards something. His destiny. Maz tells Finn of a powerful force user, who he assumes to be Rey. Maz tells him this person is more powerful than Rey, so he assumes it is Kylo. She tells him that there is no light side and dark side. She tells Finn that the Dark side, or rather, negative emotions like fear and sadness and even anger, are not bad. She tells Finn that he should be angry, and that he should embrace his anger. Many injustices have been done to him and people like him, and that his anger can be used for good. She tells him of a prophecy from thousands of years ago, that one day a force user will arrive who is truly “grey”. Not tempted by the “light” side or the “dark” side. When he finally asks if this is Rey or Kylo, she says “No. There is another. One more powerful. Who will bring balance to the force.” Finn insists they have to find them, but Maz tells him they must find their way on their own. 

That night, Finn dreams about stormtroopers. He hears whispers behind helmets that some of them are discussing if the FO is really doing the right thing. He sees they too struggle with the ideology they have been brainwashed with. He seems some of them who have NEVER been behind it, and have been trapped there, unable to escape. He wakes up with a star and then wakes up Poe (they’re sharing a bed) and asks him if he trusts him. Poe replies of course he does (they also just had sex) and we cut away, implying Finn told Poe something important.

Now the story switches gear. (This is relevant, I promise.) We see one of the stormtroopers Finn was dreaming about. This person is what’s known as a “supertrooper” a very tall , very buff stormtrooper who exists solely to train other stormtroopers. This is a flashback to TFA, right before Finn defects. Finn comes back from Tuanul with blood on his mask and this supertrooper asks Finn what happened, if he’s injured. It’s implied they are friends, or at least familiar. This supertrooper has no clue what the FO is really doing. Finn asks them if they’re ever seen another trooper’s face before. They reply they haven’t. Finn takes off his mask and asks them to do the same. She does. Her designation is KT-2100. Finn tells them what the FO is doing, and the trooper is devastated. (This person is implied to be mentally ill, and also spends every single day of their life being beaten up by other people.) Finn begs them to leave with him, so they can do the right thing, but they refuse, insisting it’s better to remain inside the FO to take it on from the inside. Dissent in the ranks. The rebellion begins, and it begins with Finn.

Now we’re back with Finn and Poe, who are about to dock at Resistance base. The Resistance’s new priority is finding this grey force user and helping stormtroopers escape the FO. The Resistance high command trusts Poe and Finn again because of their brave actions. But Finn is acting very strangely, barely able to stand, shaking and claiming he sees “stars” are Poe’s head. Poe believes it’s PTSD or some other form of anxiety, and tells Finn about his own PTSD, which they discuss (again) because it is important. He gives Finn his mother’s wedding ring and tells him to dangle it in front of him from a chain and spin it around, as this always calms him down. Finn does while Poe is out of the room (Poe is getting Dr. Kalonia), and eventually sees a planet spinning in place of the ring. This is the planet of Ugu En (it’s a Nigeria reference. This planet is important, I swear.) Kalonia comes to take Finn to the medbay, because something is wrong with his heart and he’s having a hard time breathing.

Now Rose is back. She is portrayed as what she would be if she were a real person: an abuser. Poe confronts her and tells her there isn’t a place for people like her in the Resistance. She asks, real angry, “What gives you the authority to kick me out?” and Ackbar comes out of nowhere says, “That’s the new General in Chief of the Resistance.” My boy, General Dameron, in charge of the Resistance. 

Poe meets with HIS generals (my boy!!!!) and they come up with a plan of attack during their next battle. They are interrupted with a comm from an outpost on a nearby planet, which claims to be intercepting a comm from someone claiming to be a supertrooper onboard the FO star destroyer The Organizer. Poe puts them through. It’s KT-2100! She tells them she evacuated the command deck by destroying a gas pipeline, and only has a few minutes to transfer information to them before the gas will kill her. One of the other generals is suspicious, but Poe shuts them down. Poe thanks them for their service and accepts the transmission, but filters it though the outpost first -- so the FO can’t trace it back to them. Poe tells KT they are getting the information and they need to evacuate, but they refuse. They insist they need to destroy the communications system after the message is sent, so the FO can’t track down the outpost. KT is starting to cough and is obviously getting weaker. KT asks them if FN-2187 is there, and Poe lies and tells them they are, then has the comms officer patch them through to Finn in medbay. KT tells 87 that wants to do the right thing, to be good and brave like him. She tells Finn about all the countless stormtroopers who are inspired by him. She says,”I’m inspired by the courage I see from those around me.”

Finn is just??? a wreck??? Poe tells her that he goes by Finn now, and asks her if she wants a name. The whole thing is really just sad??? She tells him yes. Poe names her Bey, after his mother, who he tells her was a brave woman who fought back against the FO. The transmission finishes sending, and just in time because stormtroopers (not innocent ones, bad ones who don’t care about killing people) with gas masks enter, about to kill her. Bey, who has spent her ENTIRE life fighting stormtroopers, and is so damn tired, screams something like “I always go easy on you!” and destroys the comms system with a riot baton. Then she beats the shit out of those stormtroopers offscreen. 

The new information provided tells them the FO has been building a new weapon, one powered by a matrix of kyber crystals, based on designs from noone other than Galen Erso -- on the planet of Ugu En (see, relevant). This is an extremely precise, long distance beam of pure kyber energy. It doesn’t sound like much, but it can literally slice planets in half like an orange. Think of it as an extremely long lightsaber. The kyber crystals must all be the same size, and since they are impossible to cut or shape, the FO is missing one! They believe Rey has it, but we know the crystal is from Luke’s necklace!

Now we’re back to Finn. He is getting worse, but is still cheerful and optimist about the Resistance now that Poe is in charge. He tells Poe he sees stars around his head, but no one else’s. Finn AFFECTIONATELY calls him “Flyboy” and asks Poe if he can use his last name.This is literally what marriage is in space, and Finn knows it. Finn Dameron, space married to the General in Chief of the Resistance. Finn tries to give him the crystal necklace, but Poe tells him he needs to give it to Rey, when they find her. Finn, now full of inspiration and happiness, feels much better and is ready to go back to Jakku. His heart is still bad, and Kalonia insists on coming with them. 

(Guess who’s in exile!!! It’s Rey now.)

Finn knows where Rey is because of a force pulling him towards her, and it leads them right to her. She is back to being a scavenger, living in the same village from the beginning of TFA. Poe still does not trust her 100%, but Finn is over the moon to see her. Rey is lukewarm, and stays suspiciously far away from Finn, and will back up from him if he comes closer.(I will explain this later!) Finn feels this is his fault, and goes back to the Falcon. Poe questions her, but Rey avoids giving him answers, instead revealing she has found Galen Erso’s notes which he hid from the galactic empire. The notes discuss the FO’s crystal matrix and Obi Wan Kenobi and Poe shows her the book the old man gave Finn. The book details this prophecy of a grey jedi, someone who will finally put an end to the mess that the galaxy is in. Rey finally breaks and tells Poe she’s "not the Jedi you’re looking for.” that the prophecy refers to. She tells Poe she must remain in exile in order to maintain the balance of the Force. Poe fears the worse, that’s it’s fucking Kylo, and confronts Rey about betraying Finn for Kylo. Rey explains that the only way to kill Snoke was to trick Kylo into doing it, and that she knows the Force will fix everything eventually. Poe, frustrated and betrayed, is about to leave. He’s getting on the Falcon when Rey tells him to “take care of her father’s ship”. REY SOLO CONFIRMED. Rey looks up into the cockpit of the Falcoln and sees Han’s force ghost standing behind Finn. Han’s ghost tells Finn that Rey is “Everything he’d hoped she’d be” and tells him him he’s so proud of her. He also tells him that he saw stars around Rey’s mother (soulmates). Finn and Poe leave with Galen’s notes and Obi Wan’s book. 

Obi Wan’s book reveals that this grey jedi will be born on, you guessed it, Ugu En, the first planet in the galaxy that life sprung from. and that this person will be the first force user in their family. Poe wonders why the Force would chose to put so much power into one person, and Finn tells them that maybe that one person is all the Force needs. They head to survey Ugu En, and Finn is stunned when it’s the same planet from his ring-based vision. A FO patrol spots them, and a chase ensues while Finn panics because of his vision. Kalonia tells him to take it easy, but Finn begins to panic. Poe tries to comfort him, but ultimately, Kalonia has to sedate him so his heart doesn’t give out. 

While Finn is out, Kalonia tells Poe that she grew up on a planet with constant lightning storms, and that she remembers the way the electricity would hang in the air just before a strike. She tells Poe that’s how the air feels around Finn, like lightning is about to strike. Poe agrees, and tells her about the Force-sensitive tree he grew up with. He says the air around it buzzed as well, just like it does as well.  

Poe then decides to  head to Yavin 4, to his families’ ranch. We meet his father, Kes, who is delighted to meet his son’s space husband, the hero of the resistance. Poe tells them about the supertrooper who leaked them information, and how he named her after Shara Bey, and Kes tells him Finn and this woman remind him of a brave man he met once, Bodhi Rook. Kes and Kalonia are old friends, (Kalonia is high lesbian though) and excuse themselves to talk. 

Poe takes Finn to the force sensitive tree, now suspicious Finn may be Force sensitive. He asks Finn if he feels anything strange, which Finn replies he doesn’t. Poe asks him if he feels the electricity in the air, and he replies he can’t. It feels normal to him, he says. It feels right. Finn tells him he always feels like this. 

Finn touches the tree, and everything clicks.

HE’S THE FORCE USER!!!! The chosen one. My boy, the hero of the resistance, Finn Dameron. He did that! 

Poe asks him if he feels anything, and he feels EVERYTHING. Force vision time for my boy!!!! He sees great jedis from years past! Mace Windu! Yoda! Obi Wan! And sith lords! Darth Plagueis and Sidious and Maul! He sees the Knights of Ren, and how all of them have thrown the balance of the Force off so much they compensated by giving Finn enough power to equal them all put together. He sees Rey, crying because she can’t come near him because he’s so powerful with the Force it will overwhelm her. The Force ghost of Luke encourages him to embrace the anger he feels towards the FO. Luke tells him that keeping the Force inside of him is killing him. Luke tells him it’s okay to be angry, and explains he went into exile to hide his anger after his academy was destroyed. He also tells Finn that he wishes he had killed Kylo as a child, and that his refusal to act on what he knew was the only way to save the galaxy has cost so many lives. He begs Finn to be stronger than he was, and not to equate killing for the right reasons to killing for the wrong reasons. He tells that he is the Force and Finn the Force is with him.

Finn comes out of his vision with a clear and focused sense of purpose. He tells Poe he needs to go to Ugu En and fight Kylo and the KOR, to fulfill his destiny and bring balance to the universe. Poe asks Finn if he needs to train first, and Finn reminds him he was top of the class at the academy! Poe is supportive of his grey jedi boyfriend. He comms the high command and they start to come up with a plan.

Now cut to the inside of the FO base on Ugu En. Hux is giving some kind of fascist propaganda speech and it’s a dystopian nightmare. Stormtroopers stand at attention. We pan across an aisle of stormtroopers, each one identical.. and then we see one with a red handprint on their helmet...

All hell breaks loose when sirens go off and the lights cut out. We’ve got stormtroopers shooting FO officers, we’ve got fascists running in fear! Someone burns that giant FO flag to the ground. Stormtroopers rebel en mass! A group of young cadets (children) are cornered by a trooper captain, but out of nowhere comes my main girl! Bey! She kicks some serious ass. And the cadets escape. The FO flag burns and catches everything else on fire. Fascism dies in flames!

Hux runs outside with the other officers, to try and escape -- but here comes the resistance! Led by the Falcon, Poe leads an attack from the air. The Resistance hacks FO comms and announces any troopers who want to surrender need to throw down their weapons, and they’ll be spared. Poe lands the Falcon and Finn and he get off. He knows exactly where Kylo is and he’s coming for that bitch! Poe is there to back his boy up with his blaster! All the stormtroopers are psyched because there’s Finn! The hero! The best guy! Finn and Bey embrace! Friends, reunited at last! Bey is a very important buff butch who picks Finn and Poe up with one arm each and hugs them. Together they go  take the FO down! 

Big Resistance ships arrive to move the troopers out of danger. Everything is on fire. Hux is hiding like a coward with a blaster among the rubble of his fallen fascist empire! Poe squares off against Hux, giving Finn and Bey time to get to Kylo’s throne room. Poe demonstrates his excellent marksmanship when he shoots Hux in the eye, because I hate him. Bye rat!

Finn and Bey face off against the KOR. Finn uses a lightsaber, Bey a riot baton. Finn is an excellent fighter, top of his class, and Bey has been fighting stormtroopers every day of her life for her entire life. They win.

Now it’s Kylo’s time to die! Finn goes to face him alone. He’s still a little piss baby though, even though he’s in charge now! He taunts Finn, trying to make him angry to move him away from the balance of the Force inside him, and also because Kylo feeds on negative emotions, because he’s a toxic trash pile. What he doesn’t realize is that Finn is just as full of (gay) love as he is angry, and so they balance each other out. Kylo eventually realizes he can’t best Finn at a duel, so he starts using the Force to try and throw him around. But he doesn’t know is that Finn is so powerful that he can redirect any Force energy used on him, so that doesn’t work. He wins and doesn’t hesitate to cut Kylo’s freaking head off. Bye!

Cut to later. Finn and Poe are getting married.The force ghost of Luke and Han are there, proud of their gay sons. Bey is gay and crying and also she has a girlfriend, I don’t care who. I’m crying. I’m gay. Peace is restored to the galaxy. 

Thank you for your time please ask me any questions you want I cannot shut up about this.

[nekoladyproductions]

Pacific Rim 2: Uprising Thoughts and Feelings (Spoilers)

First thing off the bat: not nearly as good as the first film but I don't judge things based off of it's predecessors. I like to watch things as individual movies due to a number of reasons, one of them being so I don't overhype myself and end up hating a franchise because of one product not living up to par. Okay? Cool.

I want to get the cons out of the way first because that's the easy part. The look of the film is not nearly as impressive as the original, which is strange considering the previous film came out half a decade earlier. The colours don't pop as much and the camera work has lots left to be desired. There were strange zooms and pans that didn't work out for the movie and made some serious scenes not so serious due to the strange camera work. Most of the time, however, it wasn't interesting at all.

Not enough kaiju. Like. Three kaiju. And a mega kaiju. How dare.

Too many characters I don't care about. Like the nerd kid who died. I don't even remember his name outside of "Boob Job Kid" because his father is a plastic surgeon and the fact that people will proceed to call the movie racist because he was the only Indian recruit. 😐 (Sucks he died though because he was a cute character regardless, even though it was hella obvious he was going to be the one to go down because of how wimpy he was and some foreshadowing.) There's also Vik, a hard ass girl who's friendship works like brawling in Skyrim and who coincidentally looks like my ex girlfriend and has the same haircut. A bunch of others too idgaf. They should have stuck with Jake, Nate, Amara, Shao, Hermann, and Newt. Those were the ones who mattered, not the bajillions of other characters.

I do not judge a movie based on special effects, and here's why: it does not impede my overall enjoyment of a movie. I am a fan of old movies with practical effects, and most of the time, even though real materials were used, they look fake, and most of the time faker than CGI. I also watch almost exclusively animated films, which aren't realistic looking at all. Movies, especially ones that do not take place in our reality (Nightmare on Elm Street, Marvel, etc) cannot look like real life no matter what you do, so I find it tiring whenever someone complains about the graphics. I care about immersion with characters and writing. The visuals are only there to represent objects and creatures. I have never, and will never, judge a video game by it's graphics nor will I for a movie unless it is something along the lines of The Amazing Bulk, in which they didn't put any effort in at all. The CGI was not a problem for me, nor did it put me out of the film.

...

Except for one occassion, when Newt was looking out onto the drones and the camera panned out. It looked very out of place and that was jarring for me, but that was the only instance of the visuals in the CGI department pulling me out. Everything else looked fine to me. Then again, I might be biased because I enjoy much more rough looking films. I don't like too much polish.

The pacing, however, was hot garbage. The action scenes were perfect but everything else was... Not. The kaiju didn't come in until much later. Normal scenes were either too long or too short, and all scenes that were meant to be emotional were much too fast, like with our two gay science buddies and the family getting crushed. Like, bro. With the timing and look of the scene it was borderline comedic.

---

The characters are weaker here, I am not going to lie. Hermann, Shao and Amara are the only good guys with motivations that are easy to follow through without any confusion. Jake isn't a very good protagonist. A lot of his story is quite vague, and his past with Nate is fuzzy and possibly homoromantic if you "turn your head sideways and squint". Amara is a young girl of roughly 15 who labouralsy built her own mini Jaeger called "Scrapper", and became involved in the training program after being caught by the cops for building an unregistered Jaeger. She built the Jaeger because she had a hunch that the kaiju would come back. I mean, being 5 years old and watching your entire family getting stomped on by some macro scalie's wet dream would make anyone paranoid of another attack coming.

I'm gonna get this out of the way; the Jaegers were not used for normal civilian police work as I've seen at least one Tumblr user put it. That is ridiculous. The only logical way to stop a Jaeger is with a Jaeger. The one time saw the blue beauty bot come out to play is when Scrapper was found by the cops and tried to escape detainment. The drones were also being placed on military BASES around the world in case of another kaiju or more homemade Jaegers started popping up, not to flatten a robber or punt a rogue helicopter in Saudi Arabia.

Back to characters.

Gottleib isn't a fucking mechanic/chemist. Like, I get it. They needed someone who worked closely alongside Newt after he went corporate, but Hermann even said life science isn't really his schtick. He's many things, but that field of science was N-- ohhhhhh. Fuck. I forgot that they linked brains for a moment. Oh my god while typing this I just got smashed with a wave of fridge brilliance. Never mind.

Oh, but as I said, Hermann has motivation and is the only character outside of the main villain to be quite passionate in the movie. He was an absolute treat to see on screen, and was the true hero of the film. But that's a pro, not a con. Sorry.

There is one thing that truly upset me in the film and I am sure most of you know by now, but Mako died in a helicopter crash very early in the film before she was able to get more than a few lines of dialog. I get that they wanted a tragedy early on, but it was just so disrespectful to can one of the main characters from the previous film in such a gruesome fashion. Not to mention her message was more or less a MacGuffin to get the Gipsy Avenger to a secluded space to duke out with Obsidian Fury for that sweet, sweet tomato surprise.

The reason why the kaiju came to fuck shit up is dumb but also makes sense in a way. People have pointed out that Mt. Fuji is not the only place to get ahold of rare elements but the plan was to blow up the mountain and chain react with other volcanoes, so the logic lies that it is easier to go to a volcano that already has the minerals needed rather than meticulously searching for other places with these specific materials and then go somewhere. It wasn't specified what these materials were EXACTLY, so whether or not the monsters could have just kamakzied at Yellowstone is unknown, or rather kept intentionally vague so there wouldn't be even more plot holes added to the pile.

If you want to know what the hell I am talking about, the film explains that the Precursors sent the kaiju that teleported from the rim were all on their way to Mt. Fuiji to cause a huge volcanic domino effect, cover the earth in volcanic ash, and kill all life as we know it for the Precursors' gain, which is still largely unknown. Kaiju blood isn't just pretty, but it reacts violently with certain rare terrestrial elements and minerals. Mt. Fuji is the only place in the world that is not only an active volcano, but has such a high concentration of what the Precursors need that sending these large beasts on suicide missions will guarantee success on killing all life on the planet with as little hassle as possible. It's easier to go to a small grocery store with everything you need in one place versus going to a mall with a bunch of different stores spaced out with everything you need in different places and in different amounts.

Once again, kinda dumb, kinda generic, but it makes sense once you break it down.

---

Some are saying that the movie sucks the military's dick, and yeah I can kinda see that but not really. I might be desensitized at this point due to the sheer amount of military cock-sucking Hollywood does but I am just not seeing it here. Independence Day and Michael Bay films are super obvious with their gross idolization of American armed forces. I don't think a single, real military branch was even mentioned in the film and the fighting was controlled by some military-esque figures, sure, but the movie featured two rascals growing up to being responsible in battle. Once again I just might be desensitized at this point so if anyone has any points they want to give they can elaborate in the notes. I'm genuinely interested.

<b>Okay, now we're getting into some actual spoilers here.</b>

Shao was set up to be the villain of the film. She is a woman who owns a weapons manufacturing company that created remote controlled Jaegers that are safer for use and easier to handle. With how things were going, the film led us to believe that her company was remote controlling other decommissioned Jaegers so that hers would get approved and she gets loads of money.

H O W E V E R

When Gipsy got a hold of the rogue Jaeger, Obsidion Fury, and peeled back the helmet, it wasn't a human or a computer. It was a kaiju brain. Oh dear.

You seemed to have noticed that I haven't really mentioned Newt very much in this little thoughts and analysis. As it turns out, he's the main villain in the film, and boy is he one hell of a bad guy. Whenever he drifted with the brain in the first movie, he got a connection. Then he shared it with Hermann, making it Hermann's first time... But not Newt. In a disturbing/funny scene in the movie, we get quite the shocker. Earlier he mentioned someone named Alice, whom we assumed to be his spouse.

It was that kaiju brain. He fell under control of it.

If you recall from the first film, kaiju work as a sort of hivemind that is connected through both our dimension and theirs. Whenever he connected with it, his brain was shortly apart of the hive. His brain couldn't handle the power of the brain alone. They took him, but slowly. He kept coming back for more and more, for a reason unknown--an urge, perhaps--until he eventually lost himself to the mind and became completely under their control. Possessed, if you will.

The reason why he sold out to Shao and went away from Hermann was to get private access to powerful robots that he can personally tamper without anyone noticing. He took brains harvested and studied on by PPD and implemented them into the robots in secret so that they can destroy the Jaegers owned by PPD and revive the portal into our own world. It wasn't him. It was the kaiju.

Pretty much no one was anticipating that. Some call it stupid, I was on the edge of my seat. Newt is my favourite character from the first film and I love me some villain angst so I was satisfied.

<b>Okay, time for the pros. (Even though I cited some anyway)</b>

The action kicked all kinds of ass. It was fast paced, yet you knew what was going on which is somewhat of a rarity in modern action films. No misuse of shaky cam, no editing tricks, no seizure-inducing jumpcuts that Nolan is infamous for, no 10 million missle follow-throughs like Bay (there was one though). It was fun, it was exciting, and the only colourful moments in the film. The camera work wasn't revolutionary, but it did serve its purpose and made the last/only kaiju battle something epic.

The acting is decent. I am not sure how old the child characters' actors are, but they were good for the roles they were in. Most child actors are quite shit--not gonna sugar coat it. That's actually one of the reasons why I'm avoiding IT and A Wrinkle in Time. John Boyega was of course charming and smooth, even if his character was quite shallow. Everyone knows that Hermann and Newt absolutely stole the whole show. Their acting was marvelous! Charlie Day does very well as a villain and I hope to see him in more antagonistic roles in the future. You believed him to be evil, but not quite there. You knew that he was there somewhere, but at the same time you believe that he means business.

Oh my god, that twist! At first, you think Newt is just kinda being douchey because he got so wrapped up in money but no. Oh no. All of the weird little things, the brushing off of Hermann but still wanting to be around him just later, inviting him to see his "wife". Having little glimmers of his past self but fading away. It all makes so much sense when the reveal is dropped. He said it in a way that he tried to come off nonchalant but his voice cracked and his eyes moistened. That's good ass acting, Charlie. Holy fuck. People underestimate you, and that's a shame. The movie wanted me to believe that he was being controlled by the enemy and I did. I fucking did.

He genuinely cares about Hermann, and confirmed by Charlie he has romantic feelings for him that are reflected by Hermann. During the confrontation he was trying to stop choking Hermann, and thankfully Shao came in and broke it up before he could do any further damage. Hermann stopping Shao from killing Newt because he knows he's still there, he saw it.

The photos on the desk, the yearning, the dialogue. Ten years away. They would have been together if it weren't for those accursed aliens.

The story itself wasn't too great until it got to the third act. Everything came together and everyone brought their all for it and it showed.

Dude the DeSiGnS. Those Jaegers were so sleek, dawg! Each one was really cool! My favourite was Scrapper. Everyone says that she's just BB8 but I say that she is a reference to old-school gundam where the younger members of a team would usually have the smaller bots. A lot of those characters tend to have faster moving mechs with much more evasive maneuvers and with a cuter design. I'm sure people are associating her with BB8 because both are cute and can roll. The kaiju weren't as cool looking with the exception of the Mega Kaiju that Newt stitched together with his machines.

Ohhhhhh, yes. There's a Mega Kaiju. If there were categories in this film, it would have surpassed Category 6. Fuck me man, probably Category 8 or 9! That fucker was HUGE! AND COOL! And scary. That thing took out three Jaegers and it had to take a Gipsy nose-diving from the stratosphere and hitting direct impact to kill it. The only way that Jake and Amara survived was Shao controlling Scrapper to smash-roll them into safety.

Oh yeah. Shao is a badass. Forgot to mentionnnnn.

The music, like with every film it seems, served its purpose to get us hyped when we needed to be and cry when we needed to. I've noticed that unless your score has a different genre (John Carpenter films,) has a catchy melody (Pirates of the Caribbean, anyone?) or has unique instrumentation (anything that graces Danny Elfman's fingertips) it tends to fade out into the generic. Orchestra is fine and dandy and all, but we don't keep flicking back to video game soundtracks because of its supposed grandeur. It gets stuck in our heads, keeps us coming back. Music ties us to our souls, man! And music ties a movie together.

Generic music makes a generic film. But at least it isn't shit, or barely there. Or so loud you can't hear dialogue, another problem most films have during big scenes.

<b>In Conclusion</b>

This film is not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. Most sequels aren't. This is a stepping stone movie. What's that?

A stepping stone movie is a sequel that isn't that great used to setup a bigger, better movie. This is the Iron Man 2 of Pacific Rim.

To be frank, there's a lot of similarities to Iron Man 2 in this film. Military fuckupery, evil corporate masterminds, extremists, drones. Lots of it. Even though Iron Man 2 sucks, it was the tie into Iron Man 3, arguably one of the best Marvel movies in the MCU. They are called stepping stones because most of the resources needed for the better project are used for the finale movie, but you need something to tide over the audience/help go into the other film if the plot needs some explaining to do that can't be done in one movie/set up certain things and concepts that simply cannot be done in one movie lest you want a clusterfuck a la Batman v Superman.

It isn't the greatest film, but it is not a dumpster fire either. It all depends on perspective. If you want your fancy tickled if you like stuff like Tokusatsu and action movies, go for it. If you just want a fun time, go for it. If you want to see something Pacific Rim but not something crazy good, go for it. If you are a die-hard fan, however, you may want to avoid it if you want to see it as perfect as the original. There are PLENTY of problems with the film and I understand when fans express their displeasure, but please for the love of everything lovely, do not attack others who do like the film.

Don't call them names, don't stomp on their opinions, and don't accuse them of being this or that because of two unfortunate deaths in the film involving POC with one of them being a woman. There are lots of POC in the movie and yeah it sucks that two nonwhite people died, but just remember to not immediately assume that something or someone is racist due to this. The last thing I want is someone to feel guilty by being shamed on the internet for enjoying a harmless movie that had an Asian woman and an Indian boy die in it.

<b>All in all, I give this movie 6.5 to a 7 out of 10. Not the best, not the worst. Could have been either.</b>

[future-blue-rangers]

Hey if you're still taking prompts how bout one where kim saves amanda without her armor because the putties were too close to wait? You can finish it how you like.

Ok this has been in my word docs for like a whole week. I was waiting to edit it but I still haven’t gotten around to it so I might as well just post it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shit. That way all Kim could think. Too fast to change. Too slow to stop. She and Amanda had their differences. And similarities. Kim understood why Amanda hated her now. Not just because of the nudes, though those did help seal the deal. It was because when Kimberly came out as bi to her parents they accepted her. Amanda’s didn’t. They told her it was a phase and she was just confused.

Kim thought through her options at a lightning quick speed. She could change right here and now in the school parking lot. The problem was there were about 20 other people here too. She could run around to the side of the building but putties would block her path so that would do no good.

As the putties advanced closer to Amanda the other students began to quickly leave. Soon enough it was just her, Amanda and the putties. Turning to run to the side of the building, Kimberly was stopped by a piercing scream. She debated through the options again before making her choice.

She couldn’t leave her first kiss defenseless.

Kim sprung into action. Grabbing one from behind before throwing it to the ground. After a quick look over to Amanda, Kim returned her focus to the battle in front of her. She blocked a punch before ripping the monsters arm from its body. Using the newly acquired ‘weapon’ to attack what was left over of the putty before moving to the next. And then the next. And then the next. Till all that was left was in the empty parking lot was her, Amanda, and the rubble of the defeated monsters.

Neither girl knew what to say. Kim didn’t know what to ask. Does she ask her if she’s alright? Amanda could easily have many questions about why and how. But she just stood there. Eyes on the carnage around them.

“So, I guess that explains you and your band of misfits?..” Amanda said after she was finally able to tear her eyes away from the sacred rocks.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh come on Kimmy. The 5 of you didn’t start hanging out till the rangers showed up. You just took out 15 of those rock things all by yourself. And I saw 3 police officers struggling with one during the invasion so you can’t just say you know how to fight. Not to mention your fighting style. I’ve watched the videos explaining each rangers fighting style and yours in quite similar to the pink ranger.” Amanda walked to her car door as Kim stood speechless.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The ranger finally got her voice to work after a moment. “I’m not one of those rangers.”

“Sure you’re not. And I’m not bi. We both have thing we have to hide. I get it.” Her engine turned over before her tires fought the large rocks to reverse out of the parking space.

“And I’m not expert in this ranger business thing that you’re not a part of…” Amanda’s voice dripped with sarcasm as she continued on. “ But you may want to tell them that 5 teens who never spoke before they showed up and now each of them wears 1 main color isn’t helping them stay hidden. And maybe tell them that walking in the hall 5 abreast in the same order doesn’t help either.” Amanda started to roll up her window before stopping. “One more thing Hart. Just ask her out. I’ve seen how you look at her, and more importantly how she looks at you. Just cause I can’t be happy, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either. And don’t worry. I’m not the kind of person to spread things like rumors or photos around…” Amanda left Kim in the picked up dust as she drove away.

xxx Later that night in a group message xxx

Not the Power Rangers

**Kimmy** Guys we need to be more secretive with our ranger identities. We’ve all started wearing 'our’ colors and people may notice….

**Mama’s Boy** what brought this up

**The Small Gay** shut up zach she has a point

**Billy** That’s a great idea Kim! People may assume something cause we only started hanging out after we found the morphers.

**He’s In Charge?** Kim’s right guy. Especially about 'our’ colors. Maybe once a week we can have them primarily on but other than that we should try to act normally.

**Mama’s Boy** well I wore black before so I’m good Trini though you’ve gotta tone the yellow down

**The Small Gay** well not all of us got blessed with a dark color morpher

**Billy** I like my morpher color.

**Kimmy** I like mine too Billy. I wonder if any other morphers are out there?..

**He’s In Charge?** Wall dad and Alpha haven’t said anything about any others. But they also didn’t say anything about our weapons….

**Billy** Who knows! We could get other rangers someday!

**Mama’s Boy** I hope it’s a girl I’m feeling left out on team romances

**The Small Gay** don’t get you’re hopes up zach

**Mama’s Boy** *your

**The Small Gay** fight me

**Mama’s Boy** will do how’s Saturday work

**He’s In Charge?** Guys stop fighting. We have practice so you’ll get you’re chance.

**Mama’s Boy** *your

**He’s In Charge** Ok now we’re fighting. Trini you can fight him after me.

[mirika]

Now it's my turn mwehehehe: Laslow, Niles, Camilla, Sakura and Leo?

The only downside to some of these is that you had already told me so much about them, that I could not create a true first impression.

This took ages.

First impression:

Laslow: I did not notice his existence at all in Birthright to be fair. I might have even killed him off while he is one of the four deaths that you can spare (sometimes this haunts me). When I started playing Conquest, I had the words of my former classmate in my head (”you’re going to like Laslow probably” and me thinking “you don’t know my taste in men!” and well here we are), so my first impression got blended in with a feeling of “well I do seem to be rather fond of this one” but it was merely attachment at that point.

Niles: I already knew he was a pervert cause of you, and honestly that was something that just ended up being confirmed. I couldn’t shape my own first impression.

Camilla: I’m going to have to dig in my memory, but I had not much of an opinion of her other than “okay she is behaving a little creepy towards Corrin” and it doesn’t help I played male Corrin most of the time.

Sakura: I was annoyed with her stuttering because I thought Fire Emblem pulled a “shy girl that stutters” anime trope. I know better now, but that was my first impression.

Leo: Of him too I could not form a true first impression, sadly.

Impression now:

Laslow: In the end my former classmate was right and I ended up liking the guy. Uh. A little too much, perhaps. I will always wonder how my former classmate knew as he is nothing like the other fictional character he knows I’m into. Xander may give him a lot of shit for flirting, but knowing his background as to why he flirts so much with other women, and especially with his attitude of “you never know when you see someone for the last time,” he’s simply a precious human being trying to get to know his fellow people. Over a cup of tea, if possible.

Niles: He’s still a perv, but he’s also hilarious. Not an Odin-kind of hilarious, but hilarious nonetheless. Also, he does the random meow thing like me, so I send love to this guy. Not too much love though, don’t want to give him wrong ideas.

Camilla: Strong fierce woman, do not mess with her! I still find her a bit creepy when you play male Corrin though. I don’t feel like they translated that very well. I am rather fond of her though.

Sakura: Protect her! PROTECT HER! I became rather fond of Sakura. She’s adorable.

Leo: Well… he’s… he’s a grumpy book nerd, what can I say? I did not name him Ugh Boy for nothing. I actually don’t have a strong impression of Leo, I feel like he fell a bit into the background for me.

Favourite moment:

Laslow: Gee. A favourite moment. It’s a bit rough with non-royals as light isn’t shone upon them as much (is shone proper English?). I mean, obviously I like any interaction of his with Corrin, especially when he gets serious for a moment, but uh… I cannot think of any moment other than specific supports, like the support between Laslow and Mozu.

Niles: Remember when Niles said meow? Good times. No, I actually really enjoyed the Felicia and Niles support (mostly C and B when Niles is messing around). I just love Felicia’s obliviousness towards Niles’ innuendos.

Camilla: Her fight over Corrin with Jakob, whenever Camilla threatens others showing that you can’t mess with her, her support with Elise where she tells Elise need not be like her.

Sakura: I can currently only think of her support with Kaden and Elise.

Leo: Honestly his cut scene is pretty darn cool.

Idea for a story:

Laslow: Honestly, I’m going to fall back on a headcanon post I once made. Laslow being drunk allowing Odin to mess with him as payback from the times Laslow has been reading Odin’s book as I believe Laslow would be the kind of guy to spill the beans on whatever when he’s drunk.

Niles: Niles and his daughter Nina being thieving outlaws, but for the greater good like Robin Hood, helping the poor and all that.

Camilla: I would love to see a story in which Camilla would have to be in a more realistic medieval situation where she has to be ladylike in a clean and virtuous way, especially as a royal, even though we all know that’s not who she is. Of course this story would lead to her desire to protect her family as a warrior of sorts.

Sakura: A story in (short) movie format of Elise and her having a tea party with stuffed animals would be adorable even though they are likely to be too old for that. Let the princesses be their younger selves.

Leo: Can we have a story in which Leo falls hopelessly in love with a book character? A quest to somehow turn this fictional character into something real. I’m sure Odin’s got some supportive ideas.

Unpopular opinion:

Laslow: Oh boy. Well, I hate Xanlow and I dislike Peri and Laslow as well, but these appear to be two of the biggest ships. I actually like Elise and Laslow, I feel that this isn’t very popular, but maybe that’s because of Elise’s age; I headcanon their relationship as innocent and pure so I guess it’s just the point of view I have. Also, I hate the very idea of Laslow in female dancer clothes because I hate how Laslow is always turned into ‘the feminine one’ in whatever gay ship they like to imagine as if gay relationships consist of ‘the masculine one’ and ‘the feminine one’, just let the characters be who they are without ‘straightening’ gay relationships. Sorry, we hit the pet peeve area as that is something that bothers me in general.

Niles: I do not think there are any unpopular opinions to be created about Niles. I think everyone loves Niles. I do am pooped he’s the only character you can have a gay relationship with, but I think everyone agrees with that.

Camilla: I don’t mind her oversexualized clothing like you said in your answer too, especially because her gear is still convincing of that it is heavy armour that is capable of protecting her. Besides, boobs are a weapon too. Do not underestimate medieval times and the ability to distract men with boobs in combat. Do not underestimate boobs. In all honesty though, I really do not mind armour showing skin so long it still looks like the armour is protecting them. That’s character design for ya. Of course it’s a typical anime trope and therefore many dislike it, but it works for Camilla.

Sakura: I do not know the opinions about Sakura cause the only person I follow reblogs Nohrians and not so much Birthright (looking at you evangeline). I cannot imagine anything I could disagree with.

Leo: The Leo and Takumi ship is something I don’t really understand, but then again, I am not far enough into Revelations yet.

Favourite relationship:

Laslow: Corrin, but only my Corrin. This one’s rough. I paired him with with Elise and Azura as I liked these combinations when I play the male avatar, but I haven’t tried all things out yet (but reading into Laslow and Effie I like that Effie allows him to still chat up with women so that gets my stamp of approval as well).

Niles: I have a sincere adoration towards Niles and Felicia, I can’t help it.

Camilla: I like that putting her and Jakob together is basically a contest as to who loves Corrin more.

Sakura: Kaden!!! Sakura and Kaden are terribly adorable together! They take naps together and stuff. 

Leo: I like to pair up Leo with Azura, because you forget that Leo’s a grumpy kid as he seems to enjoy Azura’s singing so much.

I just wanted to add that I am not too much of a shipper to be that invested in this section of the ask, and I simply don’t feel that strong about every character and I do not know many supports by heart.

Favourite headcanon:

Laslow: After the war, Laslow found that it is time to put down his sword and invests his time into what he truly loves: dancing and making people smile. He would still low-key keep himself fit for combat by implementing his skill with the sword in some of his dancing rituals in case any new war would break out or if his partner were to come to danger, but the last thing he would want for is his partner to worry for his life as he would do the same for them if they were to be sent into battle.

Niles: Despite the sadist that he is, he reveals to have a weak spot to those who seem ever so oblivious to his behaviour. He feels the need to protect these people at all costs while continuing to behave the way he is with others. No one knows this softer side of him, however, until they get close to him.

Camilla: For some reason I like to think that Camilla ends up as a cat lady, always surrounded by furry friends. And uh, don’t mess with her cats either.

Sakura: She becomes best friends with Elise. Together they would always visit peasants and offer them food and flowers whilst keeping the children entertained with toys. They are to be known the kindest princesses of their current age as they are absolutely selfless in all they do. Even whilst growing into adulthood and marrying off other men, their friendship never lost its strength.

Leo: I like to think Leo is aromantic. His love for knowledge and magic is greater than for other humans, other than the platonic love he carries for his friends and family. This is why he remains an unmarried prince and this has always worked out as Xander’s son Siegbert is to take over the throne when Xander passes. If for some reason he must marry, he would find political reasons for this much more than to marry for love.

These headcanons are not necessarily favourites, I was already happy I could come up with some whilst avoiding any headcanons that involve specific ships. Some characters already have such a strong canon that I find it hard to headcanon around it as well.

[mikhalsarah]

Ill-omened Things

“Fine weapons are, nonetheless, ill-omened things.” -Tao Te Ching

I saw the Tree of Life shooting coming. Not specifically, of course. Generally.

 I said more than a decade ago that bad things were coming and I take no pleasure in being right. I said, over and again, as I watched the Jewish community wooed and courted by this and that purveyor of polite racism (be it Fox News, the Tories, or some little Evangelical church around the corner) that we were naive to think that just because we rubbed elbows with these people that we’d be spared from what they would set loose in the world. 

Why did the Jewish community keep it up? Your guess is ultimately as good as mine.... these were the sorts of bigots and nutjobs we wouldn’t have been caught dead with normally...but my guess is that waving an Israeli flag enthusiastically covereth a multitude of sins. We didn’t like them...oh, we didn’t like them, but for a long time we smiled and shock hands and nodded politely, as directed by the powers that be in the Jewish Community, who adored them. Those powers saw in our new philosemitic friends a weapon. A weapon in the fight to promote the nation of Israel, for the good of Jews everywhere. 

I saw an ill omen.

In some ways it was understandable. This is the way that the Jewish community has coped for nearly two millenia: Cozy up to power for protection even if it means making a deal with the devil and losing your soul. In the short-term this has worked well, but the long view of history betrays the truth...we get used by the powerful, who ultimately betray us to the mobs whose resentment we have incurred by standing by as the powerful exploit them. When they rise up in outrage the powerful will hand us over on a silver platter or simply flee to safety, leaving us behind. We took a whole new route in North America: For the first time we started making common cause with other groups who were oppressed and fighting to change the system. Realistically, it probably was the first time we were able to.

“In the 1950s, Jewish leaders, from rabbis to intellectuals to the heads of prominent institutions, argued that Jews would be only as accepted as the least-accepted people in America.” 

We had choices, and as the decades passed we chose to be....hypocritical, for one. To be right-wing in Israel where we were a powerful but resented majority and left-wing in North America where we were a tiny minority. And the world began to notice that we did not practice what we preached. Those on the Left began to criticise Israel (and increasingly, on the fringes, Jews), and those on the Right....well, some of them wanted to “support us” (for the dubious reasons of needing us for their Armageddon) and others wanted to emulate us and be rid of us in one fell sweep. After all, we had our own country now. Why should we get a country of our own, just for the Jews, and still get to hang about their countries giving them sanctimonious lectures on pluralism and tolerance? (Whilst also just having way too much influence, in their opinions)

We also chose to be at each other’s throats. We, too, divided into camps of Left and Right, particularly from the 80s onward, when acceptance opened the doors of country clubs and gated communities and we started receiving callers from Team Moral Majority. I suspect some Jews on both sides of the divide forgot there was ever a time it was otherwise. And it goes without saying that we divided religiously, which is not at all new under the sun, or that the political divides often went hand in hand with the religious divides. Often, but by no means always.

I must admit a certain admiration for the organizers of Jewish life. It was no mean feat to keep the rank and file Jews united for the better part of four decades....selling left-wing Jews on Israel being a modern civilization with feminism, gay rights, beaches, and nightclubs... and selling right-wing Jews on Israel as a bastion of strength and security amongst the Muslim hordes....all while selling religious Jews on the chance of living to see the Messiah via the Flowering of the Redemption. I’m not anti-Israel, nor am I pro-Israel. The early Zionists aspired for Israel to be a country like any other, and like any other country it is complex and often contradictory. There was a little of something to sell everyone on. Any good salesperson is part stage magician. It’s important to keep an audience’s eyes on what you want them to see and away from what will ruin the show....and the organized Jewish community has certainly excelled at misdirection where Israel is concerned. It was bound to unravel eventually, but kudos where due. Getting Jews to do anything en masse is like herding cats, and they kept us all on the same page for nearly half a century...so willing to support Israel that we eventually got into bed with the very sorts of people who had spent two millenia driving us out of Israel and nearly every other country we’d lived in.

Am I blaming the victims in Pittsburgh or intimating that they deserved it in any fashion for supporting Israel, as I’m sure the many groups meeting in the Tree of Life synagogue did? Absolutely not...I believe this, or something like it, would have happened regardless. Even leaving aside that Jews are overwhelmingly liberal and were always bound to catch flak for it in the event of a rightward lurch, Jews are a tiny proportion of the population and our votes and voices hardly carry the day in any direction. The Evangelicals would have used Israel  for their own devices with or without us...that’s the wondrous thing about Christian Zionism, no actual Jews required. For most of history Christianity considered itself the New Israel so in our absence the Jews 2.0 would, sooner or later, simply have set out to reconquer the Holy Land themselves...as they have tried to do so many times before. Some Jews continue to harbour a sneaking suspicion that they might one day revert to form and try again.

But we might have slowed the descent into madness down, just a little. And we didn’t have to give it our blessing and allow our name to be used to justify it. It was just easier to go on not looking at what was happening with Israel...either in Israel itself or with her supporters abroad. Diaspora Jews could remain critical of the countries they remained married to, yet continue to carry a torch for Israel... a beautiful ideal untouched by the harsh reality of living with her everyday and seeing her skivvies hanging over the shower bar. 

"One thing that I think was made stark this week is that there are many Jews who have liked many of Trump's policies on Israel, but I hope this week that American Jews have woken up to the price of that bargain: They have traded policies that they like for the values that have sustained the Jewish people – and frankly, this country –  forever: Welcoming the stranger; dignity for all human beings; equality under the law; respect for dissent; love of truth. These are the things we are losing under this president – and no policy is worth that price." -Bari Weiss

 Ultimately I’m discussing the WAY in which Israel was supported, not the fact of it....unquestioningly, uncritically and surpassing all other values in importance. As if it were one of the Ten Commandments themselves. With a willingness to turn a blind eye to what was oozing out from the underbelly of the Right in exchange for “support”...an ooze which which didn’t stay among the Gentiles. The things I heard said around the kiddush table sometimes, chiefly about Muslims but not limited to them, sometimes chilled me to the bone (and keep in mind this is a liberal synagogue that I attended at the time). Discussion about nuking entire nations to rid us of a few jihadis hiding in the hills, abuse towards recent immigrants, you name it. The increasingly impolite racism of our new friends was creeping in, putting its feet up and making itself quite at home. 

The Jewish leadership was so enamoured of its new weapons, so dazzled, that the ill omens gathering on the horizon were simply not on the radar. Like so many fearful people given a gun, some felt suddenly invincible...which tends to  bring a reckless disregard for reality as its plus-one. What? Our new friends turn on us? Blasphemy! To be fair the Pittsburgh shooter is neither evangelical, nor is he a fan of Trump...mainly because Trump is “surrounded by kikes” (his words, not mine) and is “not enough of an asshole” (Bill Maher’s words, not mine)....so he can’t really be called a fair-weather friend but some of the stuff written by alleged Evangelicals in the wake of Trump has been only marginally better. (Following is a screenshot from the comments section of a major Jewish site, most of which have more regular commentators who are Christians than Jews these days)

 It’s more that our so-called friends have no real control over the rabid dogs at their feet, but also don’t want to put them down. Sort of a, “It’s sad when they maul our friends, but they might be useful later so we don’t want to be hasty.”, thing. We might need shock troops for the war against a caravan of Mexican converts to Islam, or something.  So in the wake of this, they will shed a few tears, make a few heartfelt (but suitably vague) condemnations about hatred and violence “on both sides” and wait for it to all blow over. But they won’t really DO anything.

They won’t, for example, make any attempt at gun control. Instead they will litter the comments of major news websites with advice to Jews on the need to be armed, vigilant and vehemently opposed to the idea of the synagogue as a gun-free space. The average age of Jews shot in this attack was 73. Exactly how many septegenarians do these people know who could get the drop on someone who surprised them with an assault rifle? 

As if we need weapons in the hands of untrained civilians, who are as likely to shoot each other as the assailant, assuming they can even reach their gun before the bullets start flying and haven’t dropped it on the floor from their hands shaking in panic. And like we need guns in the hands of most Jews...I’ve seen Jews attempt to assemble a tool-free Sukkah kit and put a pole through the stained glass window of the Sanctuary in the process. I wouldn’t give most of my fellow Jews power tools, much less ballistic weaponry. Jews who grew up in the age of the First-person Shooter might be an exception to that, but most of them have been recently bar-mitzvahed and won’t be seen or heard from until marriage or the bris of their first born sons, whichever comes first. You want Jews who can defend themselves?.. teach them krav maga. And shut the doors before services start. If nothing else people will be forced to show up in time to avoid a collision with the Torah procession. (If I begin to sound glib here I’m not. Sarcasm and dark humour are my coping mechanisms)

Which is the gist of the problem. People don’t care about the Torah procession, or the Torah itself, anymore. Israel has long eclipsed Torah as the central value of modern Jewish communal life. Not to say we have no other values, but Israel trumps every one...even tikkun olam, which is hardly enough to base a religion on either, though not for lack of trying. Israel is, at least, a Torah value of a sort, since it has saved lives and continues to have potential to do so, and Torah does allow us to set aside most laws to save a life....most laws, but not all.  As one Rabbi so wryly put it, “I could get up on the bimah and say that God doesn’t exist and no one would bat an eye, but if I criticized Israel all hell would break loose”. (I paraphrase here as I seem to have lost the link to that quote but that’s the gist of it). You always know what’s really important to people by paying attention to what will piss them off most if you attack it.

The Hasids I studied with would say that this alone is the reason for the uptick in antisemitism and violence...we have lost our way and the gentiles are being sent to remind us that we don’t belong in their country clubs in the first place. I can’t speak to the divine incitation of the gentiles to violence, but we certainly have forgotten a lot. I went to my city’s vigil for Tree of Life and spent much of it shaking my head in disbelief. The presiding Rabbi recited “All the world is a very narrow bridge, the essential thing is to have no fear at all” which he then attributed to Rabbi Nahman of Bratzlov. Aside from being a very cynical and paranoid quotation, it doesn’t belong to R. Nahman at all. It belongs to a popular  musician, Rabbi Baruch Chait, who took the liberty of paraphrasing the Bratzlover Rebbe for a song he performed for soldiers during the Yom Kippur War. The depressing sentiment of the whole world being a dangerous and insecure place being meant to inspire the soldiers, I can only assume. Ofra Haza’s vocals notwithstanding, it certainly never inspired me.

 Despite R. Nahman’s frequent bouts of depression and struggles with his faith, I assure you, no such depressing phrase crossed his actual lips...what he said was more along the lines of “When a person must cross a very narrow bridge the essential thing is not to frighten yourself at all”. Sage advice: don’t recklessly forget the danger, yet don’t dwell on it until you are too paralyzed to put one foot in front of the other. But we cannot distinguish one Rav from another, and so we take the advice of the lesser thinking it from the greater. That and we seem to perversely delight in scaring ourselves half to death.

Not that a better grasp of Who’s Who in Rabbinical History necessarily helps. Many of the Orthodox are in a state of profound denial about either the dangers of the Right, or the ability and willingness of God to bail them out....something God neglected to do during the Holocaust, when the frei who ran to the treifah medinah were saved while pious rabbis were burned alongside their yeshivas. I suspect they, too, have spent too much time around Evangelicals and have picked up their belief in a god who always pulls off a win for the home team. Jews spend three weeks a year mourning a Temple that got destroyed twice, the rebuilding of which we’ve been awaiting for all of a two millenia exile that God still hasn’t bailed us out of. You’d think we’d know better. 

And Israel is no help. Liberal Jews in America, like secular Jews in Israel, don’t breed. At least, they rarely breed and seldom with other Jews. It is rather inevitable that they will diminish in numbers, in enthusiasm, or both. So Israel spends much of its time courting the growing number of very enthusiastic Evangelical Gentiles and ignoring any groups of Jews with an average of four children or fewer. As with the aforementioned comments sections of Jewish sites, it leads to a bizarre state of affairs in which Christians now have more say, and sway, regarding Israel than the Jews whose eternal homeland it supposedly is. I await with trepidation the day when Israel finally decides that it should just amend the Law of Return accordingly.

Despite knowing that they explicity want to christianize the Jews, their numbers and political clout are just too tempting to pass up; Israel and the establishment Zionists are now utterly dependant on them. There is a sort of delusional belief that this strain of philosemitic Christianity and its cheerleading will continue on forever when, truthfully, it might not last another generation. Neither millenial Evangelicals nor non-White/European ones are all that fussed, and even some older White Evangelicals are suffering from “End-times Fatigue” or starting to ask how American Evangelicals have been able to turn their backs on fellow Christians in Israel for so long now. Jews are not the only ones who have carved an idol out of a country, it seems. 

To my relief only one speaker was crass enough to play the Israel card at the vigil, and it didn’t go over well. Though undoubtedly well-intentioned, it really did come across a bit like capitalizing on someone’s disaster to score points. I think the phrase is, “Too soon”. The only speaker to get riotous applause was the Rabbi who simply told the crowd more or less the same thing as R. Nahman, “We must not let fear stop us!” before he sang a Leonard Cohen song to end the vigil. Two nice ladies walking home in front of me wondered who this Leonard Cohen was. “He must be another Rabbi” they decided.

In the words of the immortal R. Cohen, “Reality is one of the possibilities I cannot afford to ignore”. And the reality is we are standing before a very narrow bridge that we have no choice but to cross.

[postculturemag-blog]

What’s Better Than This? Guys Being Dudes

Read on Post Culture

The End of the Movie

Despite being a child of the 90s I consider myself a super fan when it comes to 80s movies. Every month my local Alamo Drafthouse movie theater holds viewings for older movies and I always try to make at least once a month. Last month it was Nick Castle’s The Last Starfighter.

The first 80s movie I remember falling in love with was the Spielberg classic Stand by Me. Stand by Me was a coming-of-age story about a group of friends who go in search of a rumored dead body. Along the way they meet a host of characters and challenges that send them on individual journeys of self-discovery.

Even back then I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to another childhood-best-friends coming-of-age movie I’d seen: Now and Then. Now and Then was billed to me as Stand by Me, but for Girls. Instead of a group of boy friends going on an epic journal of self-discovery to find a dead body, the audience was treated to snapshots of summer spent with a group of girls who just wanted to buy a treehouse together and maybe put a disturbed spirit or two to rest, too.

Both films share themes that are integral to all coming-of-age films, most importantly growth and independence. At the end of Now and Then once the girls have secured enough money to buy their treehouse Samantha comments that “The tree house was supposed to bring us more independence. But what the summer actually brought was independence from each other.” The idea is sweet and profound, made even more so by the opening reunion between the friends, now all grown-up, and the promise they make to each other at the end to visit together more often.

The end of Stand by Me is noticeably different. After our brave heroes overcome trials and the perils of pubertal self-discovery and find the dead body, the adventure, and summer, are over. A flashforward narrated by Gordie tells us that the boys drifted apart with age. Teddy and Vern became passing figures in Gordie’s life. He remained close with Chris through college until he went off to university—then died breaking up a fight at a restaurant. This prompts Gordie to write the famously heartstring-pulling line: “I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve.”

I remember casually asking my dad at the end of Now and Then why the boys didn’t stay together like the girls. His response? “They’re boys.” Like that explained everything. At the time, it actually kind of did. There was a reason the men in the movies I saw didn’t hug or talk about their feelings like the women did. In fact, attempts at intimacy or emotional connection between male characters were either played for laughs or shown as a cautionary tale.

“They’re boys” was the simple answer to a complex problem, but like most moviegoers, I was content to leave it at that.

But now that I’m older I have to ask why? Why are boys expected to sever ties with the people they care about when they grow older? What kind of Wormer Brothers-level havoc does puberty wreak on boys that it seemingly spares girls?

The answer is a lot less mystical than dead bodies or resurrected spirit.

Dude, Where’s My Emotional Intimacy?

Gordie’s line about never having friends like the ones he had when he was twelve isn’t isolated fiction. Boys tend to form closer bonds with other boys in childhood and almost seem to “lose” the ability to later. Sociologist Lisa Wade theorizes that around the ages of fifteen and sixteen teenage boys start learning what it means to “be a real man,” and the feminine-coded traits of friendship do not fall into that ideal.

In her book Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection psychologist Niobe Way followed boys of varying ages over four years to chronicle their views on friendship. Wade highlights a particularly devastating part of her research in which a 15-year-old boy named Justin was asked to describe his feelings towards his best friend at two different parts of his life:

[My best friend and I] love each other… that’s it… you have this thing that is deep, so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it. It’s just a thing that you know that person is that person… I guess in life, sometimes two people can really, really understand each other and really have a trust, respect and love for each other.

By his senior year, however, this is what he had to say about friendship:

[My friend and I] we mostly joke around. It’s not like really anything serious or whatever… I don’t talk to nobody about serious stuff… I don’t talk to nobody. I don’t share my feelings really. Not that kind of person or whatever… It’s just something that I don’t do.

Niobe’s interviews with boys are both eye-opening and heartbreaking. At one point she interviewed a freshman named Jason who touted the merits of friendship as having someone to turn to. Three years later she asked Jason if he had any close friends and he “said no and immediately [added] that while he nothing against gay people, he himself [was] not gay.”

Despite popular belief, men actually desire (and need) emotional intimacy just as much as women do. In fact, not having those emotional connections contribute greatly to men’s health problems.

So if men want it, and the lack of it might actually kill them, why can’t they have it?

Heterosexual men are taught that the romantic and sexual relationships they have with women are the only acceptable source of intimacy and closeness they’re allowed to have. That’s often why straight men feel the need to caveat any positive, slightly friendly interaction with another male with “No homo.” Popular belief is that if a guy is showing affection to a person he must want to date or have sex with that person. Hence the word bromance. Know what the female equivalent of a bromance is? A friendship.

Friendship between men is such a delicate walk between ‘just-guys-being-dudes’ and ‘full-on-homo’ that its become almost regulated. Telegraph’s Chris Moss posted a handy guide titled “A fine bromance: the 12 rules of male friendship” that featured such ‘rules’ as this:

Never openly verbalise that you value the friendship. Most men avoid literalness. There’s something vulgar about declaring “how important you are to me”. But there is also a kind of mysticism in never quite affirming that this might just be the second, or even the, central love in your life. Sometimes stating the obvious makes the obvious deteriorate or vanish. So respect the given; you can always weep openly at a friend’s funeral.

Even with the wink-wink-nudge-nudge aspect, it is still depressing to think that men have to edit their feelings in an effort to not make the people they care about uncomfortable. The other day on Twitter a virtual (female) stranger told me she loved me. In line at the checkout at Walgreens, I overheard a man say to his (male) companion “That’s a nice shirt, man. No homo.”

The restrictive range of what’s considered “acceptable” emotions men are allowed to feel are just some of the ways the patriarchy takes a toll on men, and it has real-life harmful effects. Misogyny and homophobia are core driving factors to this epidemic, and what’s worse is that it’s become normalized. One way society is both chronicles and reinforces these unwritten rules of masculinity? Movies.

It’s important to remember that things haven’t always been this way for men. Silver screen blockbusters show us that at some point in time a fella could hug another fella after a shootout without  anyone feeling the need to qualify it with a “No homo.”

So where did it all begin to turn?

Blow Your Wig

Because platonic intimacy between men wasn’t vilified in early years, depictions of strong bonds between men were actively depicted in cinema. In fact, the first same-sex kiss on screen in the 1927 silent film Wings was an entirely platonic kiss between two male infantrymen (Buddy Rogers and Richard Arlen).

Audiences didn’t so much as bat an eye at the kiss. It went on to become a critical success and won the first ever Academy Award for Best Picture.

Another early 20th-century film that highlighted male friendships was the bad boy classic Rebel Without a Cause (1955). Let’s be honest here for a second, folks: James Dean wasn’t that great of an actor, he was just handsome (don’t @ me). That mug put butts in the seats for his performance as Jim Stark, the film’s troubled teenage protagonist just trying to make it. Aside from James Dean’s bad boy good looks the most memorable aspect of the film is Jim’s friendship with even more troubled outcast Plato (Sal Mineo). Jim’s feelings toward Plato take on a paternal tone, helping them both make up for something they lack. For Plato, it’s a stable, loving family. For Jim, it’s a sense of what it means to be a real man. Unusual as their dynamic was people were touched by love and care they shared. That’s further complicated when you look a little harder, but that’s a conversation for another time.

What’s Your Damage?

The 1980s and 1990s gave rise to the timeless buddies trope. Buddy comedies were defined by their “odd couple” approach to hyper-masculine films. Movies like 1988’s Midnight Run took the tried and true formula and flips it on its head, but still stays true to the hyper-masculine-odd-couple trope.

The most popular of this genre is the buddy cop film. The Lethal Weapon franchise (1987) is often credited with starting the movement in films, and sure enough, helped define other films in the genre. You take one by-the-book veteran cop, mix in a younger, more hair-trigger partner, throw in a few explosions and shootouts for maximum masculinity, and bam, you’ve got yourself a buddy cop film.

Because the men themselves were in a profession defined by its hard-shelled masculine nature the characters were allowed—in small doses—a degree of intimacy between one another. You wouldn’t catch Martin cathartically kissing Robert Thelma & Louise-style after one of their many near-death experiences, but the average heterosexual man wouldn’t feel too weirded out over an affectionate clap on the back or mildly fond poses in marketing materials.

The late 80s and early 90s also gave birth to a peculiar kind of cinematic take on male friendships I like to call Feelings Are Gay and Bad.

Unlike the buddy movies of the same decade, these films wielded homoeroticism like an Aesop’s Fable in 35mm. Rather than depict male friendships as the begrudged act of two hardened, red-blooded American males, these films opted to show brutal, all-consuming homoerotic unholy unions that eventually came to screeching—and often deadly—halt. A character who placed his love and care with another man would come to rue it by the film’s end or would learn a valuable lesson about vulnerability.

In Reservoir Dogs the audience watches as Mr. White lovingly cradles a wounded and terrified Mr. Orange in his arms. In between horrifying, blood-soaked scenes in the present we’re privy to Mr. Orange’s secret: he’s an undercover cop working to bust White’s crime ring from the inside. Blissfully ignorant, White soothes and protects him. He even goes so far as to pull a gun on the man in charge for threatening to kill him. After the infamous Mexican stand-off, White crawls over to Orange’s body as the police close in, only to be told Orange is actually a cop. The movie closes in on White’s anguish as the police surround them.

Kathryn Bigelow’s  Point Break (1991) introduced the world to Special Agent Johnny Utah (birth name Heterosexual McManlyman), former football star and current by-the-book FBI agent who goes undercover in a group of adrenaline junkie surfers and becomes dude-smitten with their charismatic leader, Bodhi. The explosions, killer surfing scenes, and the fact that Special Agent Johnny Utahis a former Rose-bowl winner and current gun-wielding badass makes it okay for male audience members to laugh at lines like “We gonna jump or jerk off?”

Nick Schager of The Daily Beast referred to Point Break as “A Homoerotic Classic.” Whether Point Break is a cautionary tale about getting too close or an intentionally subversive homoerotic film a female director remains a hotly contested.

The film adaption of Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire (1994) and David Fincher’s take on the Chuck Palahniuk classic Fight Club (1996) both use their source materials’ explicit homoeroticism to make the story darker and grittier. In Fight Club’s case, this was used in conjunction with what many feminists consider a critique of hypermasculinity, made with the intent to draw straight men to watch and leave rattled. For Interview with the Vampire, while Anne Rice’s intent was clear, some parts had to be altered considerably for consumption.

During this decade films of this kind also started to utilize the Deranged Homosexual trope. Poor, unfortunate heterosexual men would offer their friendship and find themselves in the grips another, obsessed and subtextually sexual man. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999), another novel-to-film adaptation, takes the time to build up the dynamic between Tom and Dickie from budding friendship to growing obsession until Dickie’s ultimate death at Tom’s hands.

The 80s and 90s weren’t the purgatories of male friendships, though. For every Cable Guy(1996) there was a Sandlot (1993) after all. Still, the trend in media portrayals of male intimacy in films during this era set a particular tone that went virtually unchallenged until the following decade.

Isn’t It Bromantic?

The 2000s were the start of the “exclusively comedy” buddy films. In contrast with buddy films of the 80s that were action films that sometimes featured comedy, the male friendship movies of the 2000s were comedies that sometimes featured action.

The 2000s also saw a rise in the use of the term bromance or bromantic comedy to describe close male friendships. Even the word bromance evokes a mocking callback to romance, self-deprecatingly lampshading the connotations of two men being emotionally intimate. ‘Bromance’ takes the idea that men are emotionally illiterate and incapable of showing care without sexual or romantic inclinations and applies it homosocial relationships. In other words, the word ‘bromance’ pretty much plays itself. So started the attempt to strike a balance between “Fuck yeah, friendship!” and dudebro-ish mocking.

And mock they did. It was as if the homosocially-propelled films of this decade were constantly at war with their desire to show the close bonds men can foster with each other, and their need to assure the men watching it that yes, they know how “gay” the idea sounds.

I call this the “No Homo!™” movement.

When The 40-Year-Old Virgin premiered in 2005 it marketed itself as a raunchy, stupid, over-the-top sex comedy for men. Steve Carell plays Andy Stitzer, the eponymous forty-year-old virgin. After it’s revealed to his friends that he’s never had sex he’s put on a quest to lose his virginity as quickly as possible. This devolves into a series of cheap laughs, dubious sexual situations and, of course, rampant transphobia and homophobia.

The movie focuses on Andy’s quest (spoiler alert: the real loss of virginity was the self-discovery he had along the way!) but the B-plot belongs to two of his friends/bullies: Seth Rogen’s Cal and Paul Rudd’s David. The two spend most of the money bickering and insulting each other by making jabs at who’s “gayest” (“You wanna know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay.”) The jokes are cheap and unfunny but are sure-fire ways to get a chuckle out of your standard insecure bro-type.

At the end of the film after Jay apologizes to Andy for pressuring him into losing his virginity the two hug and embrace. In a call back to Cal and David’s game Haziz, their manage, comments snidely:

Haziz: Do you know how I know you guys are gay? You’re holding each other ever so gently.

This allows the film to reassure the audience that despite the lovey-dovey shit that’s just happened this is still a dude film.

Some praised The 40-Year-Old Virgin for “deconstructing the bromance formula,” but when compared to other films in its decade we can see its done nothing of the sort.

After the commercial success of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, we were treated to another Apatow-Rogen bromance film with Superbad (2007). Superbad brought Jonah Hill and Michael Cera together as Seth and Evan (named after writers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg), two high school seniors desperate to lose their virginity before college. Despite the classic pitfalls—Seth Rogen himself later said jokes in the movie were “blatantly homophobic”—the movie handled the friendship between Seth and Evan with surprising care. During a quiet scene, Seth (drunkenly) confronts Evan about rooming with their mutual friend in college. Evan apologizes and admits he’s afraid to live alone. The two make up and say they love each other, then wonder aloud why they’ve never said they loved each other before.

Evan: I love you. It’s like, why can’t we say that every day? Why can’t we say it more often?

Seth: I just love you. I just wanna go on the rooftops and scream “I love my best friend Evan.”

Sure, they’re drunk and it’s comedic, but the comedy is more about their drunkenness than their love for each other.

At the end of the film the two friends meet up with their respective love interests at a mall and go their separate ways. This reminded me of the end of Stand by Me (and that is the first and last time you’ll hear me compare Stephen King and Rob Reiner to Seth Rogen and Greg Mottola): boys with a fierce bond drifting apart as evidence of their maturity and growth. As if the moment they spent telling each other they loved one another the night before was meaningless.

Seth Rogen, you sonofabitch.

Riding off the rise of Seth Rogen’s bromance comedies came I Love You, Man (2009) which tried to brand itself as the “bromance” movie. The movie set out to answer one question: Why don’t men have friends? The answer was a resounding “Uhhh?”

Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) goes in search of a best guy friend after realizing he has no one to be his best man at his upcoming wedding. After going on a misfortune of “friend dates” he runs into and befriends smooth con man Sydney Fife (Jason Segal). I Love You, Man starts off as Feelings Are Gay and Bad and ends up a lukewarm reunion that skirts clumsily around the subject of real emotion like Jason Segal on a moped.

The only reason I rip on I Love You, Man is because it truly could have been groundbreaking. At the time it was considered groundbreaking because for once the premise of the movie was about male friendship. Not friendship plus virginity and booze, just friendship. It went even further to prove its progressive cred by introducing Paul’s But-Not-Too-Gay brother Robbie (Andy Samberg) as a shining example of sports-and-meat-loving masculinity. Still, despite its failure to truly commit, I Love You, Man managed to make a bromance film that didn’t rely heavily on sex and slapstick to validate itself as a “guy’s” movie.

Other notable bromance films of this decade like Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000), Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004), and The Hangover (2009) also used similar tactics of highlighting friendship and neutralizing the discomfort of seeing intimate male friendships via homophobic language, slapstick comedy, objectification, and more. The self-deprecating overcompensation that defined the movies of his decade was a reflection and reinforcer of America’s evolving feelings towards male intimacy. It was no longer “Don’t be intimate with your male friends” but “Don’t be too intimate with your male friends.”

Men Have Feelings, Too (And That’s Okay)

Things began to subtly shift for bromance movies in the 2010s. Slapstick and Seth Rogen still reign supreme, but now there was a softer and more forgiving edge to it all. Conversations on hypermasculinity and homophobia were propelled into the mainstream to start a national dialogue. The idea of what it means to be a man and what masculinity really means started to change as did their portrayals in film.

“Your average dudebro” is the very demographic that needs to see these kinds of relationships normalized in the first place.

You could argue that Seth Rogen is the kind of bro comedies. He’s produced such nerdboy-testosterone, weed-filled slapsticks as Pineapple Express, Superbad, This is the End, and Game Over, Man! Whether as an actor, director, producer, or writer, Seth Rogen’s name has become synonymous with the kind of obnoxious bro-rock marketing execs don’t even consider women a demographic for.

But I would argue that much of the normalization of intimate male friendships comes from your average Seth Rogen film. Most of the time these are “dumb fun” comedies. That’s not to say other films by other people don’t portray male friendships just as well, but while movies like Magic Mike XXL (2015) are heartwarming examples of the kind of power platonic male intimacy can have they’re not as likely to be watched by your average dudebro. “Your average dudebro” is the very demographic that needs to see these kinds of relationships normalized in the first place.

The 2011 comedy-drama 50/50 cast Seth Rogen as Kyle Hirons, a man watching his best friend Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) undergo chemotherapy. Even though he doesn’t possess the necessary bedside manner he plants himself as Adam’s rock (and wingman) through his treatment. When Adam’s girlfriend cheats on him he angrily confronts her to defend his honor.

The film is at times tone-deaf and crude as any movie starring Seth Rogen and directed by Jonathan Levine is wont to be, but the message at its core is sweet and powerful.

In the controversial Netflix film The Interview (2014), Seth Rogen balances crude humor and James Franco-ness with an almost careful tenderness between the two male leads. During the penultimate scene where Dave and Aaron are preparing to walk to their deaths in order to save North Korea, the two share a quiet, intimate moment together discussing Dave’s hypothetical biography.

Dave: As the two best friends stared into each other in the eyes, they knew that this might be the end of a long road. But they also knew how much they meant to each other. And even though neither one could say it out loud, they were both thinking…

Aaron and Dave: [whispers] I love you.

What shocked me about this scene wasn’t just that two men had said they loved each other in an action-comedy, it was that the scene was played straight. No jokes, no thrown in “No homo!” It didn’t make up for the rest of the film, but it furthered my appreciation for Seth Rogen.

Another unexpected gem in the same vein are the 21 Jump Street movies, specifically its sequel 22 Jump Street. In 22 Jump Street we’re re-introduced to Jenko and Schmidt, who are assigned to go undercover at a college to find out what student has been dealing the drug WHY-PHY. Jenko gets close to a suspect in the investigation–the popular, athletic Rooster–and starts to blow off Schmidt, much to the latter’s dismay.

While Schmidt does spend a not insignificant portion of the film playing a comical version of a scorned lover for audiences to point and laugh it, you can’t knock 22 for trying to tackle a virtually undiscussed issue in male friendships: jealousy. This is pleasantly resolved near the end of the film with Jenko assures Schmidt that he lifts him up—while they’re dangling from a helicopter, but still.

There are plenty of other films from the 2010s that truly flip the script on your standard movie bromance (Due Date [2010], The Green Hornet [2011], and even This is the End [2013] if you’re in the camp of thinking they did rape jokes the right way) but I’d like to wrap up with one that’s dear to me: Seth Rogen’s Neighbors (2014).

On premise alone Neighbors sounds like your run-of-the-mill ignorant bro comedy. Mac and Kelly Radner (Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne) get into a prank war with the Delta Psi Beta fraternity that’s moved next door, headed by Teddy (Zac Efron) and Pete (Dave Franco). The humor is slapstick and borders on gross at times but is absent the casual bigotry that early Rogen/Goldberg films weren’t shy about including. Of note is Pete and Teddy’s relationship. It’s revealed that Pete slept with Teddy’s girlfriend, and even though this causes bad blood between the two Teddy still sacrifices himself when the police show up to spare Pete’s bright future.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (2016), though, by far takes the cake for the best of the two. It opens on the old Delta Psi brothers assisting Pete’s boyfriend Darren in a Jason Mraz-inspired proposal. Having peaked in college, Teddy lives on Pete and his boyfriend’s couch. This comes to an end after the proposal and the two friends having a falling out, prompting Teddy to leave in search of a place to feel wanted. When crashing with the Radners doesn’t work out he moves on to a struggling sorority.

The decision to make Pete bisexual (or gay) was a conscious one suggested by writer Evan Goldberg and reporter asking director Nicholas Stoller why he’s never had gay characters in his films.

At the end of the film, Teddy and Pete make up in time for Teddy to plan and be the best man at his wedding. Before walking Pete down the aisle Teddy stops to give him a pep talk:

Teddy: You all right? You seem really nervous.

Pete: I’m having a little bit of a meltdown.

Teddy: Just remember, man, Darren loves you more than anyone in the entire world- Darren cherishes his friendship with you. Darren can’t imagine his life without you. And Darren is proud to call you his best friend.

Pete: You’re not talking about Darren, are you?

Teddy: No, not really.

The humor stays intact and without the expense of losing intimacy. Teddy is even allowed to tear up with pride and happiness for his best friend in full view of the camera before the scene is over.

And you still get a poop joke.

A movie that utilizes Seth Rogen, Zac Efron, and Dave Franco and a plethora and copy-and-paste frat bros to chastise against using misogynistic slurs (“Don’t call them hoes. That’s not cool anymore.”) and normalize gay love is a feat in and of itself. You could argue that the movie tries a little too hard to seem progressive and open-minded (at one point Teddy helps the sorority throw a Feminist Icon Party that features three different Hillary Clinton costumes) but the effort is genuine and appreciated. The film doesn’t equate masculinity with misogyny and homophobia. It allows their funny frat bros to show vulnerability and care for one another in a way that promotes laughter but doesn’t mock.

The expected bro humor isn’t sacrificed in favor of these progressive elements either. There are women in bikinis, babies holding sex toys, and unnecessary dick and poop comedy. All the elements that define a sleazy bro comedy but without the sleaze.

These movies are important to show that men being vulnerable and caring about one another doesn’t have to be something shameful, or something that comes with rules, or something that should be laughed at. Looking back on the up-and-down progression of these portrayals is at times hilarious, but are mostly sobering and sad. We should promote and support portrayals intimate male friendships in media to normalize the concept of platonic male intimacy.

So, straight men, go. Re-watch Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle or The Shawshank Redemption and consider telling a friend they’re important to you. You might never have friends like the ones you had when you were twelve but it’s never too late to find that kind of bond again.

[nanyoky]

Nell’s Preemptive “I Told You So” Riverdale Predictions Roundup

So we’re three eps in to season two, and one of my favorite activities with an active series is to wildly speculate about what’s going to happen so I can gloat if I’m right or turn the possibilities into fic if I’m wrong. 

Things I think might happen:

~The Killer: Let’s get the easy one out of the way. We all know the writers are trying way too hard to cast suspicion on Hiram for it to actually... be Hiram. I mean he’s a shady dude, no doubt. But I really don’t think it’s actually him responsible for all the shootings and deaths. So who is it? Someone with strong black and white morals. Shooter appears to be Caucasian male- middle aged.

I’ve seen speculation that it’s either Sheriff Keller or Hal Cooper. Both strong options. Both very morally black and white to a painful fault. Add in that Sheriff Keller seems like- REALLY BAD at being sheriff (altho an A+ dad) and that seems like a good guess. This would also cause so much angst for Kevin, who is now a much more involved and rounded character. Hal is not particularly threatening, but a bit of a dick so that doesn’t seem far off either. Angst for Betty who already feels like she’s inherited the worst parts of her family and acknowledged that there are things they just #don’t talk about. So she would have sort of seen it coming. And they both fit the general physical description of the shooter, so if it’s just one person acting on their own, solid options.

Also seen guesses that it’s Betty’s long lost brother which seems kinda... cheap. This is a soap opera/suburban gothic. Shock value is worth it’s weight in gold here in genre town. For the killer to be a mysterious figure that we know exists but haven’t met yet seems kinda lame. He may be a good red herring tho- like FP in season 1.

Personally, I’m thinking more of and Orient Express situation. Multiple killers. Maybe the Messed Up Parents brigade all got together and decided to do something about the crime in their town, Hot Fuzz style. Or multiple motives with one killer claiming credit for the other attacks to gain legitimacy. It’s early. I’m still gathering crackpot theories.

~Archie’s Whole Deal (TM): Archie is going to shoot someone who doesn’t deserve it on accident. This isn’t even a theory. We all know it. Big piece of my money is on Ronniekins cuz they got together way too early and Hiram gave a very brief but threatening version of the shotgun talk so that could be real messy. She wouldn’t die. But it would seriously mess up their relationship and how all the characters see Archie. And how he sees himself because he already always feels like everything is his fault so if a case wound up where something terrible ACTUALLY WAS he would not be in a good place.

Another piece of my bank is on Fred because how awful would it be for Archie to accidentally kill the one person he’s so obsessed with protecting. God. So messed up. HERE FOR IT.

Maybe Betty. Maybe Jughead. Maybe Kev. Childhood friends. Ouch. I don’t think they’d actually kill one of the core four, but we all know how much network tv loves to kill their gays so.... 

But aside from that I am calling this HARD: Archie has not told us everything about what happened at the diner. The shooter said something or had some other identifying characteristic or SOMETHING that Archie is scared to tell people about. He’s a really bad liar and his reticence right after the event felt like it went beyond survivor’s guilt. 

Possibilities for this: the Black Hood said something that indicated a personal connection or a threat of more violence. It seems like in all the flashbacks, the diagetic sound is cut or distorted, but we can hear the shooter shouting. And normally when witnesses look at suspects, the police ask the lineup to repeat a line that the perp said so the victim can hear their voice- ESPECIALLY in a case where the perp was wearing a mask. That this didn’t happen makes it seem like archie didn’t tell Sheriff keller any details on what the guy said, which seems weird if it was just “get on the ground!” or “don’t move” or something. I dunno. This could just be a writing oversite. But it could be something so lets wildly speculate shall we.

OR: Archie knows who the shooter is. Or has a guess. He seems REAL stuck on the green eyes thing. Almost to the point where i don’t believe it. Like- I know the guy was wearing a mask so the eyes are the only detail he could pick out, but I don’t really notice people’s eye colors that often- especially when in a high stress situation. It seems weird how sure Archie is and how much he fixates on the detail. Like if he just looks the right person in the eyes he’ll know for sure. In the words of the meme world “okay... that seems fake, but okay...”

SO maybe he knows who it is. Or has a guess who it is. Maybe the killer threatened something along the lines of “you better lead them away from me or I”m coming right back” so Archie picked some implausibly minute detail to feed the cops to comply, which feeds into his guilt, thus Team Kickass.

~Pollykins on The Farm: Okay this one may have like zero basis aside from a gut feeling (and one time I got a gut feeling that Captain America: Civil War wasn’t going to disappoint me, and here we are, so go ahead and take this with a metric ton of salt) but like? Are we? Worried? About this farm Polly is going to? That there’s just some farm upstate that can’t wait to have a pregnant teen hang out with them? And the way she said “they still have room for me” makes it sound like there’s a lot of people there? So it’s not like- a plot of land and a little house she and Jason were thinking of buying- but a community they were going to click into? Add in the HEAVY Zodiac killer vibes and I am... concern. I am very concern about the possibility that maybe last season was late 50s/early 60s esque Suburban Gothic themed, but what if this season is... late 60s/early 70s esque serial killers.

Polly. Baby. Angel. I fully support your decision to leave Riverdale but please consider starting a club of #Sensible People with Joaquin instead of joining the Manson Family.

~What’s Up With Hermione- I Mean- Right? I’ve seen a lot of people saying “I really liked Hermione in season one but what the fuck happened? Why is she so awful now?” Veronica made a reference in Season one to her mom taking pills/drinking, but she seems to be drinking a lot more this season.

And I mean- she’s got shit going on. Her husband is back. There’s a lot of baggage with that. He knows she had a bit of a tryst while he was in jail so their relationship is likely strained at best. Also she knows that he threatened her safety to their fucking daughter which is just wow. Gold star hubby right here. So maybe her behavior/attitude is a reflection that she’s now back in a toxic relationship and things were more like this before Hiram went to jail, Veronica just didn’t notice because she was The Old Veronica and wrapped up in her own little world. That’s entirely plausible.

But what’s also plausible is Hermione playing a long game. She proved herself very smart and very shrewd in season one with all that happened with her husband and the serpents and Fred.  And her plot seemed to end off with Fred giving her a bit of a carpe diem when it came to her husband and their shady business dealings. Maybe she’s taking him up on that call to action, but very much in her own way. Does she want to Bring Hiram Down completely? Does she want to divorce him? Does she just want a bit more agency and control over her family and her life? We’ll see. And I’m excited to.

~Your Secrets.... Your Sins....: Is anyone else concerned about this phrasing from the Black Hood’s letter? Is it just me? I mean it’s not exactly so esoteric that it might be a coincidence, but there were a lot of people at that party and any one of them could be/have a connection to someone who might want to kill people. I’m not really including this in the killer speculation just because it’s less a prediction, more of a detail that is making me #STRESSED

Things that won’t happen but I can dream can’t I:

~I have this really intense fantasy of Cheryl hooking up with some guy who’s like- the goonish musclehead of the week for her. And they go out to the woods to make out and he gets a bit fresh. And then doesn’t react well to her rebuffing him and gets rough. And then she just straight up kills him in a bloody mess. Probably with a knife with an ornate handle because of course she probably has one of those lying around somwhere. OR with some more brutal and unexpected weapon like a crowbar. All this happens while Little Red Riding Hood by Sam and the Pharaohs plays. Cheryl looks great. The goon looks dead. Scene cuts from Cheryl’s wide eyed, heavy breathing, lip trembling, blood splattered face to black right on the “Aroooooooo” at the end of the song. Hire me CW I’m your exact brand of Extra AF but I’m better at dialogue.

Likelyhood: slim to none. This is a weirdly specific need I have and I don’t know how it would fit into the larger plot. I just need it real bad.

~I want Joaquin to come back and for there to be drama between him and Kevin because TRUST but ultimately they have a heart to heart about how different their lives have been because we know Kevin’s dad is very supportive but like- we don’t know anything about joaquin’s home life other than that he’s in a gang? and people just don’t join gangs cuz they think it’s fun? so I’m feeling Tale As Old As TIme: parents kicked him out when he came out and the Serpents were the only place he could go and FP didn’t fucking care he was gay just so long as he was loyal and so that explains that complicated relationship there. And so they get back together and continue looking very cute and in love and happy. That I feel is a good balance between the v. real “being a gay kid in a small town sucks ass” drama and the v. real desire a lot of us have to just fucking let the gays be happy for once goddammit.

Likelyhood: Low. They really seem to be steering Season 2!Kevin away from Season 1!Kevin hard so the probability of bringing back his old side character love interest seems very very low. But I dunno. I think they made an error in underestimating how attached we’d get to Joaquin’s pretty face so if they’re trawling social media they might see all the “i miss snicksnake boy...” and take pity on us.

~The “Blossoms in the Attic” joke I have been fucking waiting for since Episode 1

Likelyhood: low. I feel like if it was going to happen, it would probably have been Veronica during Secrets and Sins.