#unsubtle highschool suburban gothic of my dreams

[nanyoky]

HAD ONE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH AND NOW TIME FOR THE BIG SHOW

OH god it’s a CHRISTMAS EPISODE. our core four pairs have broken up, fp is about to die and it’s a CHRISTMAS EPISODE

mary booked a singles cruise so i guess they couldn’t get molly ringwald for more eps this season

yay my girl polly’s back for a presumably horrifying dream sequence

That Kubrick-esque centered shot of Hood!santa climbing over the couch back????? *kisses fingers like cartoon italian chef*

Cheryl still EXPECTS her mother to put out jason’s stocking and demands to know what such a tiny candycane is doing in their home because she is still GRIEVING but still SO MUCH . this is what the death of a twin looks like take fuckin note marvel

Also nana rose didn’t die in the fire? so that’s nice.

“86,000″ “what- dollars?” like the hospital in smalltown usa might charge people in pesos or forint- godbless you archie

“Kevin’s secret santa has a 20$ limit” “Kevin needs to chill” no, v, YOU need to chill. or rather don’t. because we love you so much.

“Havent you heard? we’re still friends!” “oh yeah. isnl’t everyone?” i love these girls almost as much as the lund and byerly’s checkout lady who never judges my wednesday night sale sushi runs

fp looks so thin without his jacket and warm vestiges i’m worried about him is he taking his vitamins eating his spinach if he has been surviving on hot pockets and beer since he got out i will be so cross with him

“BOY.” i’m DISTRAUGHT. fp and jughead are living together again and we’re finally getting to see what that looks like and it’s exactly as heartbreaking as we knew it would be

also fp wears his wallet with a stylish chain that goes from his pocket to his beltloop because it’s apparently 2008 in that trailer

“Couples massage.... thanks” “You can go with betty!” audience: YES PLEASE.

also who the fuck would do a couples massage with their highschool boyfriend- veronica lodge that’s who, but who ELSE.

archie didn’t spend any money on his gift and it is obviously the ebst one int he exchange and we love him

MOOSE AND MIDGE ARE HERE TO MAKE THINGS WEIRD FOR KEVIN (HOPEFULLY)

REGGIE *SPRINTS* TO HUG MOOSE AND THE SHIP I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED EMERGES

oh dear. mr. svenson. of course i love that betty and co. know the janitor at their school’s name. is that normal? i went to an enormous highschool- i barely knew my teacher’s names half the time. but i imagine it’s very sweet and very betty of her.

oh god jughead came to riverdale high for the gift exchange because he’s a good dude. a good dude.

his little SMILE when he feels how heavy it is is the most boyish he’s looked since the scene where we find out fp is his dad in the drive in episode and I’M NOT OKAY

veronica giving archie an expensive engraved watch is CLASS COMMENTARY and it is very good of archie to try to explain that to her calmly and without accusation or bitterness i don’t know if i would handle it that well cuz fun fact i once accused a guy of making me into Pygmalion because he tried to take me to a restaurant with multiple spoons

jughead wants to help but now sweetpea has replaced joaquin as the unreasonably beautiful surrogate son fp feels more comfortable putting in danger than his own kid help

what is the point of showing cheryl is interested in buying a tree? other than maybe she’s going to spend more than her mom can afford now??? or that she’s back at archie now that josie is weirded out by her possessive obsessive tendencies? not sure what the point of that was

nice reverse zoom/dolly into a dutch angle on this modest janitor house

the parole officer calls him “jughead” that is all

hermione and hiram being deliberately flirty in front of veronica after she and hermione had that talk about loving one’s partner

“Since when are you a communist *deliberate eyeroll at hiram*” i still can’t tell whether season 1!hermione or season 2!hermione is the act and i’m still RIVETED

okay it was to show she’s just spending a bunch of money to piss off penelope who coincidentally, is wearing a WINNER of an outfit rn damn son i have that but like- not as good cuz my black lace sheath is from target

not to take credit away from cheryl’s high quality cherry sweater

“you should have drowned them at birth like a basket of kittens” NANA ROSE. NANA FUCKIN ROSE. COMIN IN HOT FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

i honestly don’t know if it’s ever stated if nana rose is penelope’s mom or clifford’s but judging purely on penelope’s eyeroll and non-verbal expression of “UGG. MOTHERRRRR” i’mma say her’s.

betty pulls her sweater over her hands when approaching her mother because how often did alice tug roughly at young!betty’s clothes to make sure she was PICTURE PERFECT at all times

we all knew that it was going to be a finger right we all knew

and of course she only tells archie because this is betty cooper we’re talking about

“would the sisters talk to us?” “pft- they better” betty’s gunna beat up a nun

also my first assumption is that the janitor’s sin is pointing out the wrong guy to the lynch mob??? could be wrong but it seems kinda odd that archie isn’t bringing up that part of the story

the lodges have the same “christmas classics” cd as my mom because of course they do

the fact that veronica finds the deed to pop’s and doesn’t react in shock or anger but sits back in her dad’s leather office chair and crosses her legs to think things over is CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

jughead knows fp too well to apologize for thinking badly of him and the duffles and IT HURTS SO GOOD

“maybe this isn’t gunna work- us living together” FP ISN’T A DAD HE’S A BIG BROTHER AND I KEEP SAYING IT BUT IT KEEPS HURTING EVERY TIME IT’S PROVEN TRUE

oh god jughead is calling on the next gen serpents for help this isn’t going to end well, son

“take out penny” take out? TAKE OUT???? TAKE OUT?!?!?! JUGGIE. take a nap.

sweet pea and fangs are either the bestest of bros or engaged to be wedded i can’t decipher their eye communication exactly

the serpents are FACTIONING and this CANNOT end well

“it was a group of men... and one woman” FOUNDING FAMILIES FOUNDING FAMILIES FOUNDING FAMILIES

next gen serpents are going to fuck everything up and i can’t take jughead trying to do an intimidating under the brows stare seriously

we all think that nun is the drug dealer lady in the wheelchair right?

“white with a cherry red stripe” THAT’S MY GIRL. THAT’S MY NANA ROSE. BACK WITH PLOT AND BACKSTORY. BATTING FOR THE TEAM. NANA ROSE BLOSSOM.

“the truth” THE LODGE TRUTH. HOOO BOY. *pours another drink*

OH MY GOD IS HE CUTTING IT OFF JUGHEAD. JUGHEAD. BETTY HAS BEEN A BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU.

i just pictured fp’s face if he saw this and did the most ridiculous puppy whine

“oh noooo. no girls allowed” NANA ROSE BLOSSOM. MY MAIN GIRL.

founding families. what did i say.

hefty sigh at barchie kiss. like- i’d be more into this if they actually built it and didn’t keep breaking up and putting everyone back together back and forth

oh cheryl saw- THAT i’m interested in

they’re not going to tell us the lodge truth because they’re bastards

penny didn’t show up for your pickup, did she?” “no.... no she didn’t.” JUGHEAD IS THE PARENT AND FP IS THE KID AND IT IS HORRIBLE AND PERVERSE AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH

“this life you tried to protect me from? i’m proud of it!” *WHALE NOISES* FP’S FACE. FP’S *FACE*. THIS IS THE LOOSE HENRIAD CRIME FAMILY AU I’VE BEEN HURTING FOR.

oh god there’s one black guy in the picture please don’t tell me our sweet angel pop was involved in this how old is pop he’s not old enough right tell me he had no part in this

*DISTRESS SCREEEEE*

UNMASK HIM BETTY UNMASK HIM ARCHIE IS FINE HE’S A BIG STRONG BOY WHO CAN TAKE A LITTLE DIRT IN HIS FACE

oh god oh god oh god did sheriff keller shoot bh so he can’t talk oh god oh god oh god

this is too easy and we all know it i’m still pulling my multiple killers theory and i haven’t given up on shady!keller yet

weird sound editing trying to give studio quality to josie and kevin just jammin acapella outside a diner

WHO THE FUCK IS PENELOPE SNOGGIN ON XMAS MORN?!?!?!

YASSS JUGHEAD GETS HER A SIGNED FIRST EDITION OF BELOVED WHICH I HAVE BASICALLY BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE BETTY SAID SHE LOVES TONI MORRISON IN EPISODE ONE. well- not exactly this. but that IS one of my alltime favorite books and a huge influence on my own gothic writing so to see it referenced on this show is just GRAND

we all know it’s not over juggie, we all know.

Episode Scorecard:

Number of sick beat drop rhythmic editing moments: none

Episode hair MVP: Nana rose’s stripe was featured as a plot point and is always of the highest quality

Do I still miss Joaquin: yes

Episode outfit MVP: Penelope’s black lace sheath

Cast/Crew shoutout: There were some really solid cinematography moments, but I would have liked to see better editing? pacing was a bit rough.

[nanyoky]

Someone just had the most obnoxious fucking day but THANK GOD stream is up right away

I’m going to get very very drunk right now, Tomorrow Morning Nell can suck my dick, it’s Bad Day at Work Nell’s time to shine

oooo it was chic who done the deed that isn’t actually what i expected i just kind of took for granted that alice fucking cooper was capable of murder not sure i believe she DIDN’T

“it.... WAS self defense, wasn’t it?” “of course it was!” oh my god. oh my god.

“where’s chic?” “up in his room, resting” that sounds so much more suspicious than anything else especially since it’s CLEARLY NIGHT TIME JUST SAY HE’S ASLEEP

juggie is needy and talky post coital i mean we all knew it but i’m glad it’s canon

and now he thinks he gave it up for nothing because betty has a bigger crisis at hand poor little bean

of course alice checked for the guy’s wallet this ain’t her first rodeo

WHAT THE FUCK JUGGIE *YOU* WERE THE ONE TO SEND THE HEAD TO MAYOR MACKERS?! JESUS H CHRIST WE CAN’T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE THIS SEASON

hermione smiling at veronica talking back to hiram was mint. good shit

the editing of this cleaning rampage sequence is giving me the biggest film major boner of my life

did they seriously redo betty’s bedroom set dressing so that all the furniture is suddenly too small for her because Symbolism(tm) or am i just drunk already

girlfriend deserves an oscar for “i don’t like chocolate chip pancakes” and reaction to alice’s Aliceness

holy fuck editing is on point this ep HERE’S the fucked up filmnerd friendly gothic drama i fell in love with. i missed you so.

i just realized chic has not spoken a word yet this ep which is just *gestures inarticulately* GAAAAHHHHH

it’s raining because of course it is

poor, sweet, inexplicably stupid this season jughead of course thinks betty’s weird mood has to do with them finally boning down and betty regretting it because he’s returning to the paper-thin self-esteemed loner we fell in love with finally.

“maybe it... wasn’t enjoyable...” JUGGIE. HIS LITTLE CLEAR INNER MONOLOGUE OF “DAMN- SHOULD I HAVE MOANED MORE????” IS SO CLEAR. SO PURE. SO GOOD.

“just typical cooper house lunacy” i mean- i don’t disagree. which. says a lot.

everyone’s reactions to kevin rushing in to give the murder low down is just- golden. so golden

((is my pizza done yet- i had such a shit day i got sushi AND  a pizza because i’m worth it and also i’m very drunk and i’m *checks* ten minutes into a 41 min episode))

cheryl shows up to be nice to betty for once because they have to make up for her being absent last ep

“you have puke on your collar” that’s my girl

“he’s still a good guy. i know that. you know that.” oh archiekins. do we? do we really?

((fuck timer just beeped and i got up to get my pizza out of the oven and hooooolllyyyy jeez Bad Day Nell has done it again three drinks on an entirely empty stomach is a different beast than otherwise))

are we finally going to find out what the fuck the deal is with hiram’s land acquisition/deal with mayor mackers?????? are we going to find out what’s significant about this land?????? is anyone going to give me a trophy for spelling acquisition right on the first try whilst off my tits????????

“great. this will replace the bass drum you trashed” once again, i will say bitchy archie is not a good look but i’m compelled to encourage it

holy shit. aggressively direct archie is not an archie i think we’ve seen and i think i kinda like it

((also i’ve seen god and i think it’s this frozen pizza a dujmped a bag of shredded mozzerela on before baking holy shit))

betty stop Wandering the Moors of your  and your mother’s crime scene

betty don’t take his phone why are you taking his phonnnneeeeee

WUT THE FUQ WHY IS THE FIRST NAME IN THIS PHONE “JASON”

Direct Veronica is also interesting but i feel like all these cahracters are getting lost in the plot slow down the murders writers i just want some people to sit down at pops and have a milkshake whilst discussing small town nonsense

“i already turned off the gps” good work bets. solid contemporary murder mystery behavior

((fuck i have the drunk hiccups))

“i hate to break it to you mom, but drug dealers still have families” i love this. i love logical betty. shrewd betty. untrusting betty. up against aggressively optimistic and flippant alice. fuckyeah.where’s my pizza i need more pizza

was chic SMILING during that argument??????? how many pure unadultered agents of chaos are there in riverdale?????????????????????

“what do you want in return” “peace. in the land” because this is a tolkein-esque rpg apparently

cheryl my girl practices archery because of course she does

that being said, i practiced archery when i was a teen, but i did it in cargo burmudas and a muscle shirt, not a tartan suitcoat and sttretchpleather breeches

YASSSS KELLER/MACKERS AFFAIR IS A PLOT POINT AT LAST

fuck. definitely fake agent addams throws us all a curveball

oh my god i love betty and i’m too off my box to say anything else

OH MY GOD SHE TOLD HIM EVERYTHING I MEAN THAT IS GOOD BUT ALSO HOLY SHIT

THIS TRAFFIC COP CAR????????? WHAT UNI ERSE IS TI FROMT???????

oh dang. fred is in danger again in a way i didn’t expect

but also lol what undocumented immigrant would come to the us FROM canada???? this is especially hilarious as i, a us citiizen, tries to find work in Vancouver and cant even get a fucking interview

i honestly can’t tell if this fbi agent plot is just the writiers giving up on life or a legit thing they’re trying to sell us

there’s a literal red light hanging above the door of THISTLE HOUSE because of course there is

“Take control of the narrative” yassss- that’s my self aware millennial character writing i fell in love with

please tell me there’s going to be a dramtic “dredging up the car from the water” scene coming at us like Fried Green Tomatoes

HOLY SHIT. mayor mackers steps down????????? with josie hovering over her shoulder like a skinny, black lace clad angel of justice???????? holy shitt?????

hal and chic still look nothing alike and i’m still making a distressed whiney noise about it

cheryl is a in aplunging vneck mini dress the likes of which no highschool would ever allow under any circumstances

also i want betty’s sweater

“tossing and turning in my canopy sleigh bed” translation: i’m trying to do the right thing, but please remember i’m still v. rich.

dark betty using the trtuh as a weapon fuckyeah that’s my gurl

what the fuck i have no clue where this fbi plot is going and honestly i just want archie to play mediocre music and be sad about girls some more

archie is barely even a character anymore i miss archie

“the shady man” please don’t tell me that’s how we’re referring to this guy from now on. please.

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* FALICE DRAMA AT IT’S HIGHEST DEGREE HOLY SHIT

“I’m not letting the three of you make the same mistake i did- come on” oh my god. oh golly. oh gee. fp. my garbage warrior king. i love and hate everything abotu you so much.

“the boss” i don’t have anything to say aside from that i’m shaking my head slowly

bughead and falice are happening in tandem and this is all just so much

FALICE HOLDING HANDS I REPEAT WE HAVE HAND TOUCHING GOD YOU ARE BOTH SUCH HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND I LOVE YOU

YEAHHH GURL THA’T’S MY HERMIONE LODGE YEAHHHHHH

oh thank god. i mean- the fbi thing was unbelievable already, but this season has been so messy i was scared it was just bad writing. thank god it was just deliberately fake and ridiculous

wut that’s it????

Episode Scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Editing Sequences: none

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: I mean as far as I can tell, the writing is really leaning away from bringing him back, but can you imagine what I'll be like if they did??? On the off chance this happens, apologies in advance for whatever my drunk ass says

Episode Hair MVP: betty’s deteriorating pony

Episode Outfit MVP: cheryl’s school inappropriate red plunging mini

Cast/Crew Shoutout: Editing. some great stylistic sequences especially with the cooper women cleaning up the murder. well fucking done.

[nanyoky]

Someone’s stomach still hates her, so it’s BREAD NIGHT instead of sushi night but HERE WE GO

lol cheryl. for just one tiny moment, i bet a couple kids were ready for a columbus style defamation and dressing down, but not our cheryl. nope. she’s just taking another opportunity to be the live action pacifica northwest.

“the southside kids are fine, but their parents are FURIOUS.” i’m gunna need more than that mayor mac- why? are the southside kids studying too hard now that they have real books? does sweetpea’s mum have to drive him all the way across town to his new school every morning? if the city shut down the school and absorbed these kids into the other district, the district buses would have to come to them, yes? so why would Mama Sweets driving him??? I NEED MORE DETAILS MAYOR MAC.

a neighborhood party for both north and southside. but the serpents are hired as security. do you see the problem here folks???? i mean- obviously not every single southsider is in the gang, but they are a good chunk of the people you’re trying to integrate into the community. so..... what’s really happening.... is a party of northsiders........ with southsiders as The Help. ......great plan i can’t wait.

there’s something really hilarious about the marked height difference between archie and hiram and archie is enjoying every inch of it- deep, deep down inside while he tries to figure out what the fuck is happening in his dining room.

me @ Hal: you’ve got the personality of a brillo pad go out in the garage or something

chic is chillingly cavalier, which is just how i want him, but betty brining up  the “cresent moons” on her palms was ham handed and awkward come on we were doing so much better with dialogue recently

this guy can’t possibly be legit there’s no way a trained agent of anything would trust archie with a can of pringles

there is just so much in the gang checking out betty’s picture of chic. kevin thinks he looks hot and maybe familiar because kevin likes pretty, hooded eyed bad boys who probably have a switchblade in their back pocket ((me too bro it’s okay)). veronica calling him “the omen.” betty sort of expecting but not knowing how to react to her friends thinking her long lost brother is a babe. also summarizing her current home life perfectly in how alice is being awkwardly infantizing and how hal is being definitely not chic’s biological dad and pissy about it. excellent. all excellent.

betty’s “hanging out with toni? cool. that’s cool” face is just... so betty.

“oldest living serpent” SHUT UP i bet he’s adorable i can’t wait

“your dad doesn’t like me” “what? no!” veronica is suddenly a worse liar than betty and that is SAYING something

veronica references the movie “foxcatcher” which i both want to see and don’t want to see and have been waffling about for over a year. anyone care to swing me on it?

varchie is lying to one another and it is all going to blow up so terribly

hoooooolllllyyyyyyy shhhiiiiitttttt. i see. this is a topical episode. and tangentially personal. i went to school near the dakota borders. i have friends who spent weeks at the pipeline protests. but also um.... why do i get the sense that for some bizarre reason, this is going to be jughead’s narrative....... *SIGH*

i need about twelve drinks right now. but also did i nail it with that columbus reference or what?

((fun fact to lighten the mood: my city is working on getting a statue of christopher columbus replaced with one of prince because he was from here and he “represents us better”. bless this midwest))

*HEFTY SIGH* mayor mac. i genuinely want to see more of your adulterous but charming affair with papa keller but you keep fighting tooth and nail to stay on my shitlist

kevin’s porn watching has solved a mystery that shouldn’t really have been a mystery to anyone? i thought fantasy fulfillment was pretty fuckin clear. also, kev, WHY ARE YOU WATCHING PORN IN POP’S WHAT THE FUCK BRO WHO DOES THAT

Archie: *jake peralta voice* why does everyone keep touchin my butt?

IS THE SHERIFF THERE TO WATCH KEVIN’S TRYOUT HELP MY HEART DON’T YOU *DARE* BE SHADY PAPA KELLER DON’T YOU BETRAY MY BOY

KEVIN’S GOOD. KEVIN’S A GOOD WRESTLER. MY LITTLE HEART.

none of these boys better make ANY comments about kevin wrestling or i will come after them with A BAT

this is a much needed self esteem boost for kevin- being better at something traditionally masculine than archie, the all american boy and I SUPPORT HIS PRIDE I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY KEV EVEN IF YOU LOOK AT CAM BOYS AT A PUBLIC DINER YA WEIRDO

this is an A+ sweater from betty holy jeez contender #1 for outfit mvp

bets did you watch a bunch of your brother’s sexy vids? holy jeez i need to feel better so i can have a drink ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS ESSAY I KNOW YOU ARE

kevin’s writing a gossip column now? i both love and hate this. give me a sample of it and i will swing one way or the other

“this is a story we need to tell” close jughead. this is a story you need to help the right people tell. as support. not the main voice. please tell me that is on its way. (i doubt it)

also i feel like the writers came up with this history of the gang, shall we say, quite a ways after casting of the gang.... not that the gang has to be all direct descendants of the tribe but.... still. 

kevin’s going to help archie practice cuz he’s the best of all of us. also it’s going to make him feel good about himself and i don’t begrudge him that in the slightest.

“you don’t really think this could be long term, do you?” chic you were living in a hostel where people get stabbed/their stuff stolen- how is that long term?

it’s a repeat but i think this is the first time this season we’ve heard a character’s original song? i miss the pussycats. i miss “we tell our own story” divas of color. i honestly kinda miss “i wanna be a musician” archie tbh. the music in general has taken a definite turn this season and i like all the retro but god the s1 soundtrack was SO damn good and atmospheric

Hiram has mastered the painfully overt backhanded compliment in a way i would have scoffed at two years ago but honestly i know people liek this now and it’s a nightmare.

lol veronica and archie turn this into the cold war of in-law relations. “i’m glad you’re not man enough to wrestle archie makes me feel like my daughter’s virtue is safe with you” “oh yeah well i think archie is hot” “yeah and we are TOTES comfortable kissing in front of you because our relationship is TOO HOT TO CONTAIN SO THERE”

*long, loud groan* oh my gggaaaaawwwwddd hal

that being said i kinda feel the same way about the narrative doing this weird displacement where Chic replaces Polly as the Problem Cooper and Sweetpea and Fangs are splitting up the threads of Joaquin’s storyline like come on writers either get your actors back or write something new- don’t just rework existing threads of character and plot for new faces.

kevin stop looking so eager we know hiram is a babe okay but that’s your friend’s dad

kevin and chuck both know enough about wrestling to know hiram is being a dick and not demonstrating for the sake of demonstrating. i mean- i don’t know shit about wrestling and i could tell that- but i have the benefit of knowing the narrative

“Get the message?” no hiram i think you’re being a tad too subtle. try farting on him.

TONI. THAT’S MY GIRL. FINALLY. THANK GOD. i was so scared this storyline was going to let jughead be this painfully white without acknowledgement but here we go. thank god. jughead has been whiter than i am recently and that is SAYING something.

okay so josie’s mad at veronica now which means we don’t get a pussycat reunion? DID THEY LOSE MELODY AND VAL TO OTHER GIGS??? JESUS RIVERDALE HOLD ON TO YOUR CAST ((i’m just assuming. i don’t know if polly and joaquin and melody and val and smithers all have other acting jobs keeping them from doing riverdale- it’s just it doesn’t make sense narrative-wise so i assume it’s a scheduling thing))

“cameras aren’t here, jackie o” that’s my girl

“the old ways die hard it seems” SOCIAL COMMENTARY

i love this wrestling plotline for many kevin reasons, but one of them is it gives and opportunity to show kevin interacting with a male friend. they’re obviously making a better effort to make him more than the “sassy gay friend” but this is one i feel a lot of people would miss. we’re used to gay men befriending women and being romantically involved with or lusting after men exclusively. but kevin and archie are friends! and we love them both! kevin jokes around about archie being hot and neither of them are uncomfortable! archie goes to kevin for help with something kevin has more knowledge/skill at! if i remember right archie was the first one to call joaquin kevin’s boyfriend! they are bros! and this is just really nice!

also how did i not notice kevin is ridiculously buff before? did he beefcake up between seasons or did those sweaters just slim him down a lot somehow? woops better go back and rewatch season one again to check. god what a chore.

chic is AGGRESSIVELY questioning betty’s intentions because we aren’t aware enough that he has TRUST ISSUES

i still don’t know how i feel about any of this and i keep swinging back and forth on “dark betty” from episode to episode depending on what they’re doing with it

“i took care of her while you were in prison” “excuse me” OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT HERE LIES ARCHIE ANDREWS DUMB BOY GOOD BOY SWEET BOY

i really need to know what veronica knows about her parents and how she is biding her time and handling it because the writers are just not throwing her a goddamn bone lately other than to occasionally call out toxic masculinity

honestly i feel like i don’t understand hiram. maybe because i’m not a blindly competitive douchenozzle. but like- surely laying things out so bullheaded and aggressive can’t be a better strategy than lying in wait and learning what you can? he could pretty easily wreck their relationship- those two keep screwing things up between them anyway. it can’t be that hard to be subtle buddy ((hiram is a gryffindor. nell is a slytherpuff. nell does not understand lion people.))

we see more hints of veronica faking the koolaid drinking with her parents. but is that truly what hermione wants? who is real? season one or two hermione?! i must know!!!!

*jughead continues to make this about him* toni: “i thought you were apologizing.” thank god for tony. give her her own narrative and stop making her only scenes be about jughead one way or another. she’s got such potential

for all that i still think the narrative is still going to find a way to keep jughead’s feelings at the forefront of this plot thread, there was some good delivery on “i had no right.” a kid realizing for the first time that just because he feels really strongly about something, does not mean he’s universally in the right on the subject. i know so many grown ass adults who don’t know this. i’m just really hoping not just jughead as a character takes a step back for a bit, but the narrative lets him and uses the room he makes well.

of course hiram invites veronica thinking archie isn’t going to make the team

slap his butt ronnie

so which chuck are we getting today god only knows because his redemption never saw any continuation or closure beyond gettin flirty with josie so i have no idea if it was genuine

Me, who knows nothing about sports of any kind beyond that i like it when Klose does the flippy: Wrestling is an aesthetically stupid sport

we’re all acknowledging how very uncomfortable and surreal this is for veronica right? watching her boyfriend grapple with the guy who publicly humiliated and harassed her a few months back? but in like- a “sportsman behavior” setting? very weird.

was that archie realizing he was being tested? is dating a lodge like converting to judaism? gotta be denied three times and persist?

alice is being so painfully stepfordy and i’m frightened and intrigued by the moment when the other shoe will drop and chic sees the alice cooper we all know and love to hate and hate to love

again- i’m really shocked that like- no one read between the lines on what chic’s livelihood came from

“he has to go and you know damn well why” *clutches pearls* oh good heavens hal what reason could that possibly be??? i haven’t the foggiest

PENELOPE IS LIKE AN AMALGAMATION OF EVERY DISNEY VILLAIN EVER IN THIS SHOT I’M DYING

OH SHIT. OH SHIT. VERONICA AND THE PUSSYCATS.

like on the one hand, that was a fucking power move and i kind of just have to give props for the sheer audacity, but on the other hand PEOPLE NEED TO STOP CUTTING JOSIE OFF FROM ANY AND ALL SUPPORT SHE’S JUST BEING MANIPULATED AND ATTACKED ON ALL SIDES AND I NEED HER TO BE OKAY BECAUSE SHE HAS FAR TOO MANY FEELINGS IN HER BIG BROWN EYES

oh god oh god this is too fucking real i need a drink but i’m still sick fuck this is real. fuck. toni’s face. cuz honestly she’s tough but you can tell she’s not used to the spotlight and it took all her courage to get up and be the voice of the protest only to be derailed and minimalized fuck let this girl have more to do than occasionally be the voice of reason to jughead and the serpents. 

BAHAHAHA is hal going to sleep with penelope to get back at alice for having a kid with fp back in highschool jesus christ this show

i’m reserving judgement on the chic plotline until it progresses more but right now i’m just kinda “....huh.” about it

oh betty. oh honey. oh babe.

“That was the old me” archie has been through five “new me”s in the past month. i mean this is obviously to get on hiram’s good side, but still it’s hilarious.

oh of course. they couldn’t just let this fucking go could they. gotta frame the serpents for something else. or not! maybe it was the serpents! doesn’t actually matter. either way mayor mac, lodges and papa keller are going to be the absolute worst about it.

can we get back to being a gothic mystery show next ep? please?

Episode Scorecard:

Number of Sick Beatdrop editing sequences: none. it seems they’ve abandoned this, sadly, along with the rest of the season one soundtrack and editing style. which is a shame.

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: please just imagine wrestling matches with Joaquin dragging all the other teen serpents along with to be the loudest, rowdiest, Team Keller-est cheering section riverdale has ever seen. Kevin is equal parts pleased and mortified. cheryl and toni are dating by now, so cheryl makes them all tshirts. they all have no fucking clue how wrestling works. they love it.

Episode Hair MVP: jughead’s bangs were corkscrewing again- like mine do when my hair air dries just right. i live the curly/wavy combo life too juggie. i know it’s hard.

Episode Outfit MVP: betty’s felted floral sweater- tho i’m still perplexed by the collars on this show. someone in wardrobe has a signature and i don’t begrudge them- i’ve just never seen collars on any outfit anywhere like these ones

[nanyoky]

hey gang guess who’s sick in bed and therefore not drinking but is definitely getting Fever Weird which is the next best thing really

No it’s not i’m sick as a dog and fucking miserable and probably not going to be as much fun as usual, full disclosure. Instead of sushi and cider like my usual wednesdays, i’m having tang and saltines so.... cheers.

also i want you all to know there were no working links so i had to wait for the official cw stream to go up like a pauper come on team it’s 2018 we’re better than this

mayor mac and the lodges are still in cahoots and now v knows why but you know who doesn’t yet? ME THAT’S WHO

oh wow so that’s penelope’s deal now

this is- in a darkly hilarious way- the photo negative of season one keller boys “no cruising guys today kiddo” “good GAWD dad”. “i may be a widow but i can still fucking PULL” “good GAWD mom”

i should not be laughing but oh my god CHERYL’S FACE jesus h christ

it’s veronica’s job to keep next gen riverdale chill “when the news breaks” ruh-roh

did archie say he’s going to start a band “of redheads”? so just- him on guitar and cheryl screaming into the mic like a kraken? that’s the only possibility i can envision

“are you upset?” “upset? ronnie, i’m crazy about you” that is a suburban white mom level of non-answer, archie- stop hanging out with alice cooper

RED ALERT KEVIN READS CLIVE BARKER NOVELS AND MY LOVE FOR HIM GROWS EVEN MORE

awkward betty and archie eye contact is almost as obvious as veronica’s stilted forced “we should probably all stay calm....” to the room at large

((the saltines went over pretty well so i think i’mma try some chicken nuggest pray for me team))

“my home is a dickensian nightmare- i won’t have my school turn into one too!” there is just... so much here. short version: cheryl’s origin story is that of the classic highschool bully: not in control of her home life, so enacts violent control over her school. in this way she has not changed. also jesus christ she’s so fucking dramatic i love her like this is in any way her problem but she’s automatically FURIOUS about it. but also just: wow cheryl hates poor people.

“of course. we’re fine.” kevin’s skeptical face (tm) is mint. top shelf. the good shit.

“jones- this is very lovecraftian, which i’m sure was the intention.” toni has jughead Figured Out, and i’m not sure he’s comfortable with that. 

*jake peralta voice* toni- first off your insinuating voice is way too high you sound like meryl streep in mama mia

oh my god sweetpea and fangs are just so dumb. so pretty and so dumb. just because you two wear leather jackets and flannel doesn’t mean you’re not dumb jocks. i’m calling it: sweetpea/reggie. can you imagine the angry makeouts???? so much angry repressed sexuality.

toni’s face of “oh god why are you morons celebrating” is some of the best we’ve seen of her so far my hopes are high for next gen serpent characterization with this plotline

WHAT DOES HIRAM NEED ALL THIS LAND FOR?!?!?!?!?!

POLLY MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh wow yeah actress must have gotten a better gig or something and is only available for a cameo or two if a show as drama loving as RIVERDALE is keeping the birth of twins offscreen

THE LEADERS OF THE FARM?????? NO. NO. UNACCEPTABLE.

“juniper and dagwood” *betty face*

also yes polly you are in a cult get your babies and LEAVE. go hang out with smithers and joaquin whom i command are safe and happy and healthy wherever they are

“that’s mine by the way” FUCKIN COLD.

FINALLY someone other than the sheriff’s office is getting involved in how fucking SHADY this “small” town is

“is this even legal, what you’re asking me to do?” SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE IS HERE TO STAY I LOVE SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE WHO HAS LEARNED NOT TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING ADULTS TELL HIM AT FACE VALUE

oh nevermind one seed of doubt and he’s back. poor boy. sweet boy. dumb boy.

oh nooooo freddddd

fp in his adorkable pop’s uniform smugly nudging about betty is a great moment everyone deserves an in-law that loves them like fp loves betty

please tell me “doctor beeker” is their actual science teacher’s name

we all know that finding the lost cooper brother is going to do ANYTHING but make alice a happier, more stable person right this is not going to end well

i mean even if he wasn’t a minor and using him to get information from a dangerous criminal was a profoundly shitty thing to do, the fbi could have picked literally anyone in town that would have been a better double agent because this is.... not a subtle conversation.

GREAT SONG CHOICE FOR THE SERPENTS’ INTRO TO RHS ((my mom had a tape with this song on it that she’d play to get me pumped for kindergarten))

okay i’m only going to say this once and then probably once more in the scorecard but: how much better would this mixed school plot have been if JOAQUIN WAS STILL IN TOWN?!?!?! the joy and comedy if he and kevin got back together?? the ANGST IF THEY DIDN’T?!?!?!?!?! i am CHEATED. LAID LOW. BITCHSLAPPED.

THAT BEING SAID: this is so good already. serpents swaggering in. veronica’s stepford forced cheer. cheryl and reggie STRUTTING to create conflict.

toni’s face upon gazing at cheryl once more is just so very gay. angry gay. furious that she has to see those mile long legs again.

“no one invited facist barbie to the party” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "ragamuffins” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh archie. so pure. so ineffective. as always.

did jughead just sidehug sweetpea away from conflict are they there now

i haven’t been paying enough attention to outfits so far but the placement of cheryl’s iconic spider broach not over her heart like a normal broach, but ON HER SHOULDER LIKE IT’S CRAWLING was a topnotch choice by wardrobe

again this is some classic response to sexual assault in the category of “well that’s unfortunate” until it’s about someone close to you come on archie you’re better than this.

which of course reinforces cheryl’s “me against the world” attitude because NO ONE SEEMS TO FUCKING CARE that she was attacked except veronica and the cats

“of the park avenue lodges” juggie. not helping. although i’d like to think jughead has mentioned veronica enough that toni knows this is just mild teasing between unlikely friends

josie’s awkward “now just... josie...” BROKE MY HEART

“joaquin and i used to hang out. talked about you all the time” OF COURSE HE FUCKING DID THAT POOR BOY WAS *ELIZA SCHUYLER VOICE* HELPLLLLLEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS. also i’m so happy joaquin has FRIENDS that hopefully still keep in touch please just someone check on him i miss my gay biker leo

godfuckingdammit reggie

“no more serpent jackets” okay- okay- i really need to ask the writers to go to a real high school just once. once. in what world would they have not made this a rule already???? i got in trouble in middleschool for wearing a bandana okay and i was a weird horse girl and LOOKED IT.

is josie hanging out with the core four+kevin because cheryl’s weirdness was scaring her off and the cats have cut all ties? has she lost her entire support network??? i’m worried about alpha kitty guys include her in stuff

jughead is #worked up and toni is having none of it thank god for toni

“i just need to borrow one of jason’s blazers” thank GOD they haven’t abandoned creepy ties between jason and archie. please someone share my half baked conspiracy theory that they were switched at birth and archie is the real blossom twin

juggie. i love you. i genuinely do. but you are being a prime fucking asshole right now. 

i was rolling my eyes so hard at jughead’s bullshit i almost missed sweetpea’s turtleneck which would have been a TRAGEDY

this separation between jughead’s attitude and the rest of the serpents is finally bringing to light what has bothered me about his plot this season so far. he’s so fucking desperate to fit into his role as the heir apparent to the gang but he doesn’t actually know shit about being in a gang and being in danger all the time. for all he grew up poor his has this really privileged attitude and i can’t wait for toni and co. to just tell him to sit down and shut up because believe it or not his actions have consequences

OH MY GOD VERONICA’S SOLUTION IS MAKEOVERS BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS

i was going to say “what they didn’t call ahead???” but of course not. cooper women do not call ahead

i mean we all knew this wasn’t going to go well and i think a lot of us thought it might be a possibility but...... umm.... heavens.... golly.... that.... that uh... looks like.... ayoungblondskeetulrich. .....jinkies.

oh god why do we have two prostitution plotlines in one episode why why is this a thing in riverdale now

on a lighter note they are hitting into my nostalgia funny bone hard this ep with the game in the whyte wurm being mortal combat ii it’s been years since i’ve gazed on those pixilated icons of my childhood

fp giving you advice on doing the smart thing instead of your kneejerk reaction to a shit situation is a real lowpoint i hope you realize that juggie

again, as heavy as it is, i’m glad they don’t shy away from the dreaded “R” bomb with this nick plotline. like characters seem hesitant to say it in a realistic way, but they do use it which keeps it from feeling like the creators trying to write around controversy

i like that they’re acknowledging it’s pretty shitty of archie to not care until it’s about veronica it feels like brewing #character development

BAHAHAHA TONI AND SWEETPEA LOOK ADORABLY HORRIBLE THIS PLOTLINE IS BLESSED

I mean don’t get me wrong, i love seeing nick get beat up as much as anyone else, but archie should have def talked to veronica before all that and she’s right to be upset

yess betty goin to rescue her bro and showing up in the suspiciously convenient nick of time i love it

archie being a good boy and clearing the air about the kiss before things get out of hand but also.... not mentioning the fbi agent after her dad is such a very riverdale thing to do

omg they’re making a d&d cover group i lied i’m bringing it up again HOW DARE THEY NOT HAVE JOAQUIN HERE FOR THIS WHEN HIS BOYFRIEND IS A CERTIFIED D&D NERD CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE THE BANTER

BLOSSOMS JESUS H CHRIST

god this poor lost cooper boy this is the most awkward situation ever because you know alice and hal are not going to handle this well and you know betty is going to try too hard to make it work and you know chic is probably involved in some stuff that will be Plot (tm) later on and this is just A Lot

archie.....

chic..... (we’re supposed to find this threatening, but psych, chic is noticing all the suspiciously different features they have almost like they might be half siblings instead of full siblings.....)

Episode Scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Editing Sequences: None

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: Do i have to fucking elaborate YES okay goddammit someone better be working on a “joaquin never left” au to fit in with this serpents at rhs plot as we speak or i will be MOST CROSS.

Episode Hair MVP: Toni’s was looking particularly nice today

Episode Outfit MVP: sweetpea’s turtleneck. hands down. but with a close second being the placement of cheryl’s spider.

Episode Cast/Crew Shoutout: soundtrack was better than it has been this season- good choices there.

[nanyoky]

I missed wednesday cuz I was at work until 1am and then yesterday i was tired and needed a bath BUT IT’S TIME FOR SOME HOKEY GREASER NONSENSE BITCHES

oh thanks god Juggie’s narration is back. i didn’t realize it at the time but the more i thought about it last episode the more anxious it made me

holy shit did toni sleep over?! i mean- WITH him??? i should wait to get all the answers before i clutch my pearls shouldn’t i

awwww man- she switched her ringtone

walking by a graveyard in the fog during this conversation because this show is a GIFT

penelope is a fucking monster but she’s being a very stupid monster right now does she not remember “QUIETLY and with my BLESSING”

also nice to see third degree burns heal in like a week and leave zero scarring that’s chill i guess

cheryl’s “EVERYTHING’S FINE” and smile is the exact thing i’ve been doing at work lately so you know she plannin shit ((disclaimer: i’m just looking for a new job because i hate mine nothing this dramatic i promise i’m not going to beat someone up with a girlband or send a serial killer after them))

of course toni just couch crashed i mean i knew it but also i was pearl clutching a bit cuz the kiss was one thing but we all know jug and betty haven’t boned down yet and so i’d be wagging my finger at him if he rebounded THAT hard before cooling off and getting all the facts

okay so they fooled around a bit but toni is bein hella mature about this good girl

“more into girls anyways” WOOP THERE SHE IS

“people at the farm are going to help polly disappear for awhile” UM UM UM I DON’T LIKE THIS. I DON’T LIKE THIS AT ALL. I WANT TO GET OFF NOW PLEASE

of course they see jughead and toni talking at pops but SURPRISE the literal lines they are seeing but not hearing are “so girls in fuzzy sweaters and lipgloss right?” “RIGHT. yes. agreed. what about pastel converse? cutest thing in the world right?” “totally. right up there with cheerleader outfits.” “damn i love girls.” “same.”

omg the three different conversations happening at this neighborhood watch meeting i love this

“bughead is no more?” kevin once again the audience’s solid gold pov character but what about joaqvin i really want someone to say that just so i can see kevin’s eyes lift exasperatedly to the heavens

there’s a whole STORY that people KNOW about the mugshot everyone shut up hiram bout to DRAG

“some gangmember on the southside...” goddammit reggie why are you like this

**side note: i’ve been worried about my professional prospects recently but this week i had a dream that reggie (unclear in the dream if it was the character or the actor?) was rubbing my shoulders and assuring me that i would find a great job soon and everything would fall into place, so i’ve been rather fond of him lately, even if he is a trashbag hot mess

“what does it matter not all serpents are drug dealers” archie bringing his classic “too little too late” damage control in god love’m but he’s so ineffective at least you’re pretty hun

JOOOSSSSSIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE god her big beautiful eyes have so many FEELINGS and EMOTIONS i can’t even look at her

told you this “jughead writes for the school paper” plot was going to last all of two seconds

oh lord mayormackers, papa keller. why you two this way.

*delicate cough* nice how they make sure a black cop arrests toni so we know this isn’t at all racially motivated profiling *sips tea skeptically*

okay i kinda thought veronica was reading that something was up with betty’s outburst but maybe i was wrong. or she’s just got too much going on right now so she’s taking it at face value at the moment and sussing things out later

“The Sugarman” is both cringy-hilarious and TERRIFYING as a drug supplier name

archie has got to give jughead some more hints than “you should maybe talk to betty” because yes it’s not his place to explain everything but also we are BARRELING towards a shakespearean misunderstanding at about 800million miles per hour

cheryl serving LOOKS once again i love this. love her hat. her glasses. the fact that she’s clearly supposed to be sunbathing but she’s in FULL SHADE. LOVE this. LOVE her.

i can’t see the title of her book i’m just assuming it’s wuthering heights or flowers in the attic- only options

they make sure there’s a guitar in the andrews’ living room to remind us that archie does music sometimes still

“i’m upset with you for doing drugs but i know that was probably an isolated incident for you. what about jughead are you checking in with him to make sure he’s not making a habit of that kind of thing? how are your friends son i’m asking for their sake because i care about them as not to assess what kind of influence they are on you” fred is just so incredibly DECENT it’s overwhelming

their having a PARLAY with a RIVAL GANG and jughead being the king’s son CARRIES WEIGHT i am OVERWHELMED MY FRIENDS

So Tall Boy is the king regent now, with the true king in jail and the crown prince too green to take real responsibilities. i don’t ahve any speculations or comments i’m just translating gang culture into a language i have more experience with carry on-wait no i do have thoughts- so joaquin was like- the king’s own squire right? is that a coveted position or sort of an accidental “you have nowhere else to go and your young an impressionable and unlikely to stand up to me here help me shove this body of a kid your age into a freezer” kinda thing i have QUESTIONS about how the serpents operate and the slices of relationships we have seen so far

okay i am getting a STRONG byron vibe from this ghouly fellow

there is just- SO MUCH happening in this scene. first off- tall boy uses words like “parlay” and wears two earrings and now he’s lit with soft orange candlelight he is a literal pirate right now i’m having so much fun

then mr. nell’s-hair-texture-but-somehow-better-also-wearing-an-open-kimono-because-i-am-lord-george-byron and his.... whole deal. is he wearing GAUNTLETS with his OPEN KIMONO and SKINNY JEANS?! GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW

ALSO. tall boy just stood up to say some bogus “this is war” nonsense and there’s a ram’s skull hovering just over his shoulder in the shot HAHAHAHA SUBTLETY.

i was just going to say we haven’t seen cheryl PROSTRATING HERSELF IN GRIEF over jason in awhile but here she is looking at old photos surrounded by red carpeting and iron candelabras bless

oh man. i dunno but the more time passes the more solid the “sheriff keller is crooked” theory is. just they way they cut from cheryl looking at the drawing of the sugarman to the sheriff at the diner i just oh dear. oh honey. i want to believe you’re just spineless and ineffective. for kevin’s sake. don’t hurt kevin any more by having his dad be either a drug smuggler or a serial killer. OH GOD HE JUST SAID “ONE QUESTION” I AM UPSET. could be a red herring almost seems too easy but STILL. 

“there isn’t a sane excuse. so tell me the insane one” knew veronica was too smart for this deception she reads people well and knows betty atta girl way to be the anti- version of a character put in this trope

“Girl i would have given nick’s name and then happily treated myself to a facial” veronica poppin in as the audience’s mouthpiece while kevin is off duty

yasssssss beronica is BACK my friends i missed this are they going to break into someone’s car and definitely make out after the scene cuts like last time please say yes

yes 911 send help it’s the year of our lord 2017 and part of me is still a lil bit into skeet ulrich and i can’t tell how much of it is 90s nostalgia and how much is fp’s hot but deadbeat dad vibe

also fp’s prison number is 24601 because these lit references CAN’T BE STOPPED SON

also i’m sorry i’m going to say SO MUCH ABOUT THIS SCENE because this is my JAM you guys. the tired king helpless to stop the uprising of his people who he once thought loyal but now is seeing just how quickly he can be forgotten GOD there is so much henriad in here i can’t handle it season one was act I without the politics and solely focused on the familial tension with the warrior king favoring the company of the rough upstart over his own intellectual son ((obviously very different characters, but from jughead’s pov, it had to have hurt that fp basically abandoned his real family for the serpents and had little sidebars with joaquin every other second), but now this season is fully into the politics the rebels are merging with the scots and it’s all hal i mean jughead can do to offer himself, the combat-green prodigal son, as a prize fighter compromise GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW

also he called the ghoulies “fops” that byron vibe is def deliberate

he has to say “crazy retro” to excuse the fact that the rest of this episode is (presumably) just going to get stylized as hell for zero in-world reason and 100% because these creators know we all love greaser aus and a show that brings our time period aus to life will have our hearts pretty much forever

speaking of i only went looking for fic for this show once and it was to check to see if there was a kevin/joaquin grease au and i want you all to know i’m disappointed in all of you

cheryl’s outfits are KILLING this episode dead

“i never told you those stories” oh my god. oh my god. i’ve said it so many times before but when this show does subtlety right it REALLY does it. because there is barely direct discussion of cheryl and jason being abused as kids but holy shit do we all know clifford and penelope were abusive as fuck or what

reggie is constantly ducklipping i honestly can’t even tell if his mouth is naturally like that or if the actor is HILARIOUS oh reggie. oh darling. rub my shoulders again that was a nice dream.

these two are over the top but in a delightful way they’ve solved the “flirty asshole persists after disinterested hottie” trope by making all reggie’s flirtations about HIS OWN BODY rather than josie’s which eliminates what makes that trope so skeezy and now instead we’re all just having fun right we’re into this i’m into this they pretend it’s all drunk hookups and eye rolling in public but behind closed doors they have a lot of cute giggly fooling around and even some sweet snuggles

god even this rando drug dealer is beautiful why is everyone so pretty

Oh god core four not in a good place in byron’s sexpot cave right now

yes juggie offering up people’s (including your own) LITERAL HOME is a great plan i mean i say including your own because we’re clearly supposed to see this as self sacrificing because the trailer is all jughead has but HE’S NOT THE ONLY FUCKER IN THE TRAILER PARK IS HE JESUS CHRIST

“Sharon” hahahahahaha i hope the black hood swaps his testes and eyeballs

also i think his face has healed too? what is in the WATER in riverdale?????

also too lets get real again a sec i’m really glad we’ve finally dropped the rape bomb because it’s a word that’s been absent from the dialogue so far and it needed to be said

I hope pop pissed on his fries

YASS GREASE MONKEY BETTY WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR IT AND WE FINALLY MADE IT WE DID IT GUYS

overalls. i’m kinda mad that no one was on board when i tried to make them cool in highschool and now apparently according to riverdale costumers they are A Thing

yass cheryl claws out i dont actually have anything worthwhile to say i just love my trash gothic eris daughter

this is possibly my fave veronica outfit holy shit it is so..... me.

also typical fucking parent reaction to sexual assault: “these things happen.... unless it’s to my own daughter then it’s inexcusable”

hermione and hiram be like “babe i’mma interrupt you real quick before you admit you’re a psychopath to our daughter” “thanks babe”

kevin fully acknowledges the hotness of byron which reminds me that the creators are clearly trying to get us all to forget about joaquin by throwing all these ethnically ambiguous pretty boys who dress like they’re in a band at us and it’s not working i tell you it’s NOT but i’m a little offended by how easily they keep pegging My Type like goddammit why am i so fucking predictable

byron’s hair every day is like my hair on like my best hair day of the year god i hate him

again i’m not much for cole sprouse face-wise but the all black is a DAMN good look on him everyone should just be in all black ft. leather jacket all the time it ups your hotness by at least three points

god i love how there is zero explanation for everyone’s adorably retro outfits to fit with the cars GOD i love this show

omg cheryl clearly channeling miss lana with another KILLER outfit god the girls are just KNOCKING IT OUT OF THE PARK in the wardrobe department this ep actually no you know what? the whole production design crew was having the time of their fucking lives all episode and i want to take a moment to thank each and every person on that crew for the tremendous job on such a fun episode theme

if cheryl and toni don’t bone down i’mma be cross

is byron’s second zayn malick? ((that’s the one i’m thinking of right? i don’t go there))

cheryl renders all sexualities meaningless with dem shorts

oh god jughead barely containing his glee while archie shrinks in terror in the passenger’s seat is such a Big Mood

that was... such an archie solution. poor boy. good boy. dumb boy.

hmm betty seems like she doesn’t recognize the name she doesn’t sound shocked or scared i was sort of suspecting someone we know

this is the BEST way dark!betty could possibly go holy shit man i was not about that plot line in season one but now i’m HERE for the good girl owning her darkness with agency not in a sexy goodgirl gone bad for our viewing pleasure kinda way but in a genuine way in which she has full ownership and control over herself fuck me this is some GOOD SHIT PREMIUM STUFF

OH DANG did not suspect that one. makes sense tho right.

oh no.... fred.... we know where this leads... nooo....

LODGES GOD. LODGES. FRICK.

dammit black hood.

Episode scorecard (i keep forgetting to do this):

# of sick beat drop rhythmic editing moments: One that i counted- the drop/reveal of the sugarman’s identity

do I still miss joaquin: yes

episode hair mvp: Cheryl all around, but particularly her lana del ray headband and swoop

episode outfit mvp: four way tie between cheryl’s sunbathing outfit, cheryl’s black dress with the embroidery and choker, cheryl’s lana del rey outfit all together, and veronica’s plaid pencil skirt/lace up back top number that is like a better version of one of my most iconic outfits and i’m real jealous. honorable mentions to toni, betty and jughead at the race, as well as bryon’s ghouly den kimono ensamble, betty’s overalls, hermione’s “oh no so tragic to hear about this car accident” outfit, penelope’s extra af lace collars, cheryl’s patterned pants and many more this was a good episode for clothes.

cast and crew mvp: production design was having the time of their fucking lives in this one and it paid the fuck off. the costumes as mentioned above, but also environments like thistle house interior and the ghouly hangout really stood out with their detailing and strong genre motifs. standing ovation team. beautiful work.

[nanyoky]

do you ever just get drunk and have a lot of feelings about how jughead embarks on a traditional feminine empowerment narrative in riverdale because i have had two ciders and a chocolate jesus on an empty stomach and i have all these FEELINGS

[nanyoky]

Guess who has the night off and can watch live for once???? This dweeb

I love the Whyte Wurm I need to get some screenshots and do a detailed production design analysis one of these days

Sexy Varchie montage is unnecessary but not entirely unwelcome

"You've always wanted" ARCHIE HAS CONFESSED ALL HIS HARLEQUIN NOVEL FANTASIES TO VERONICA BECAUSE HE’S ARCHIE AND WE LOVE HIM

Oh dear the L bomb kids honeys babes you are SIXTEEN and your feelings are valid but you’re still SIXTEEN

Yes jughead lets go to the murder house. Betty is a bad influence on that boy i stg

FP IS COMING BACK MY GARBAGE WARRIOR KING YASSSS

Oh my god "you want us to be you" I live this four person dynamic they are such in-laws and it’s so awkward i love the core four it is rare to equally love all of a main ensemble cast and also their dynamic as pairs and as a whole but here i am bless this show

This new Cheryl and Josie dynamic is very weird and I don't know what to think of it. on the one hand, i fully sympathise with people who are upset that our wlw representation is being forced into unhealthy stalker terriotry right off the bat- especially since mlm representation got sidelined in season one in that joaquin never got a chance to come clean and apologize for the his shady shenanigans BUT ALSO i am a staunch supporter of cheryl being THE WORST at all times and in new and exciting ways, so i’m really torn here friends. i understand everyone’s views but honestly i’m probably going to enjoy the ride no matter how cringey it gets. full disclosure.

Omg LODGES "please use that boy of yours as a human shield" i love this horrible little family

Tall Boy y r u like this but also he's not wrong about jughead being an outsider like seriously i love jughead but he is very naive.

This also brings up something that’s been bugging me all season in that- in the first season, the serpents felt like a gang of middleaged biker dudes plus joaquin, and now it just feels like a highschool click plus tall boy and fp and the whiplash between the two vibes feels very unnatural to me they really need some more group scenes where we see all age demographics represented equally.

Poor Archie he's such a precious pea but also poor veronica she is so wise and they are SIXTEEN

FP still wears his wedding ring I am DELICATE

ALICE Y

ShankShaw omg this show i can’t

FP no one believes this redemption arc but we want to we want to so much but this is Riverdale and no one is allowed to be happy and stable for more than half an episode

"My colleague and i" omg

"The devils house. What if he's home" I FUCKING ADORE THIS SHOW!?!?!!

The last ride my heart but also this feels ominous if they kill my sovereign lord I will be most displeased

FP WAS IN THE ARMY HELP

i can’t handle this. truly. seriously. jughead admires fp and thinks about when his dad would do when faced with a tough situation and HE SHOULDN’T and fp KNOWS he shouldn’t and his heart is BROKEN that jughead is involved in serpent stuff BUT ALSO he is THRIVING on the fact that they have common ground where they never had it before and GAWD THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS TOO MUCH I CAN'T DO THIS I AM NEAR TEARS THERE IS SO MUCH CHEAP FLAVORED VODKA IN ME

FP and his little hat. that is all.

My two faves are interacting I love this drama yass give me ten season of cheryl and fp they are my shining stars

JUGHEAD CALLED FP THE KING I'M ALIVE I’M SO FUCKING ALIVE IT’S ALMOST LIKE THEY DID ALL THE HENRY IV VIBES ON PURPOSE OR SOMETHING

Omg this is so much the serpents are just so much

This party is a terrible idea I can't wait for it to all come crashing down

Of course they go at night because this is Riverdale and this is Varchie

THREE SETS OF INITIALS YASS GAGA YASS

Oh dear I'm a lil drunk it's all downhill from here friends

Jughead is so naive bless

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD FP MY SON MY KING YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH HER I AM SO ALIVE I AM SCREAMING THIS IS THE SNAKEPARENT TRAGIC DRAMA I SIGNED UP FOR HELP CALL NINEONEONE I AM ON THE FLOOR

The awkward in-laws vibe grows bless

Small town justice good God

It's commercial break but oh god I'm so worried about fp if I was a writer planing to kill him of this is how I would slow burn lead up to it shit shit shit I’M NOT READY

I have had like four vodka cokes and I have to pee but I don't want to miss anything dammit how do People watch tv live

Betty has to strip doesn't she we all know it

Oh dear lodges. i am still waiting to figure out what game hermione is playing i’m so intrigued

Toni was made to be a bar tender. we know nothing about hr but she’s always ready to listen and give advice plus her hair and legs are fab.

ALICE GAWD

Goddammit Archie you were doing so well then you had to bring out the bitch slap passive aggression come on man i was rooting for you

But we all love this song tho so it's okay

There's a "Dead End" sign on the wall cuz I'm already saying my goodbyes to fp here he lies, my trash fave on this trash show he was a terrible dad and a great organized crime king and a pretty alright man and i loved him with all my heart may there be nudey pics of alice cooper wherever you are now buddy

Omg this is better than I could have hoped for it’s so bad it’s so uncomfortable holy shit betty is imagining this like a scene in a spy flick where this is #empowering but everyone else is just like “you are sixteen stop” or “look at you being an accessory to your bf- pathetic” she is the only one who sees this as a good choice jesus h christ

Toni still wants a bite of that Blondie tho

Yeah bets your mom is here why did you think this would go over well

This is very awkward for everyone right no one really enjoyed bettys dance

"GOING H GENTLY INTO THE NIGHT" HERE WE MOURN FP JONES MY FAVOURITE TRASH CHARACTER ON THIS TRASH SHOW I CAN'T I'M NOT READY FOR HIM TO DIE BUT HE'S ALREADY GONE SHIT THE AMBULENCE IS FOLLOWING THE SPEEDLIMIT HE’S DOA, NO HEARTBEAT NO BRAIN ACTIVITY, THE TOMBSTONE IS BEING CARVED AS WE SPEAK

Of course it's penny we knew that but i’m still RIVETED

HAIL TO THE KING THEY READ MY BLOG DON'T THEY THEY READ MY SHIT DRUNKEN LIVEBLOGGING AND KNEW I NEEDED MORE OVERT HENRIAD AU VIBES AND THEY THOUGHT “THIS CHICK MOVES FURNITURE FOR A LIVING, SHE COULD DO WITH A WIN” AND THEY BROUGHT THIS EPISODE TO ME JUST TO MAKE MY DRUNK ASS HAPPY

BETTY’S FACE DURING THIS CONFRONTATION/BREAKUP. i am pleased. i thought the previous bughead breakup didn’t have enough DRAMA but here we are, delivering the excitement. high quality drama right here.

"Until it sticks" *WHALE NOISES*

The quadrangle is here I am here for it and not all at once god i love this show god i am drunk someone bring me a coffee and some fix it fic so i’m PREPARED for things to get even WORSE next week

((pictured: a drunk blogger in her mega cute overalls, with her mega cute star trek cup full of vodka and coke that just turned into vodka halfway through the episode))

Episode Scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Editing Sequences: none that i counted? we’re all still sluts for that gary jules tho right? right? i’m perpetually 14 and just realized angst feels good don’t look at me

Episode Hair MVP: jughead had some classic swoops this ep that i was enjoying in a ben whishaw “i don’t want my hair short, i want your hair on my head” kinda way

Episode Outfit MVP: i don’t even know i was too busy screaming at the Dylan Thomas forshadowing quote to even focus my drunk ass on people’s outfits- which is saying something for me i love outfits

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: fuckin always man. promise me that once fp dies for real joaquin will come back for the funeral because despite everything, fp was his surrogate dad and it will be awkward and angsty not just with kevin but with jughead too becuase i need them to have hal and hotspur vibes SO FUCKING BAD okay PROMISE ME CW PROMISE ME THIS

Episode Cast/Crew Shoutout: writers. that seems like a broad answer but holy shit the foreshadowing. this is some masterclass in tragedy stuff. i don’t knwo how the genreal public is going to react to this episode, but you guys have just read my reaction in real time to this ep as a literature geek/writer. and i think most people with my background in lit and writng will probably feel the same way in that “damn. what a beautiful sendoff for a beautiful character.” it’s not here yet, but we know it. and we’re feeling the hurt already. i’mma miss you, forsyth pendleton jones jr. I’mma miss you.

[nanyoky]

“toni will you keep an eye on him for me?” *salute* toni is so in love with this bossy blond

we all know it wasn’t the ghoulies right it was the serpents. sweet pea and co beat him up and no one is fooled.

“rum like the alcohol” PROTECT HIM

“man to man” literally has never been a good conversation don’t listen to your dad veronica you need to protect your ginger

drunk hermione is all of us

“sneaking into my daughter’s bedroom” fuckin yikes hiram is literally like rubbing chum all over this ginger bean and tossing him in the ocean

KEVIN STOP THIS INSTANT

NO NO NO NO NO MY BB ANGELCAKES THIS IS EXACTLY THE INEVITABLE CONCLUSION TO YOUR BAD CHOICES BUT I STILL WASN’T READY oh thank god.

omg sheriff keller and son heart to heart i’m not ready for this emotion

 hamilton reference because this show as not trying hard enough to be relevant to the kids these days

this is the most homoerotic terror video in history

[nanyoky]

veronica b like “this is a test- not for you, but for my dad. all you have to do is learn a new language and stop bringing up that weird Team Kickass thing you’ve started kay love you byyeeee” bless her things are going to get rocky between them real fast

betty walks in her front door and immediately asks what’s wrong because her empathy senses were tingling

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

“Your secrets, your sins...” I HAVE CONCERN OVER THIS PHRASING

“i am the wolf” please PLEASE give me the scene in which cheryl literally kills someone in the woods while “little red riding hood” by sam and the pharohs plays in the background PLEASE let cheryl kill the black hood with campy vintage halloween tunes gracing this already glorious soundtrack

also now it’s confirmed the hood is a fucking morality avenger, I AM EVEN MORE WORRIED ABOUT KEVIN’S DUMB RECKLESS BUTT

did they really think alice fucking cooper didn’t make a copy what is this amateur hour

so we all know jug is going to lose his spot writing for the paper by getting involved in serpent stuff right like does anyone think this is going to last more than two episodes

principal weatherby coming in strong for the team rn. i mean we all know this red circle thing is going to end badly but i do appreciate his support for his students’ passions

this guy’s actual name is sweetpea and they have to repeat it several times so we know know it’s real

Polly swans in like “I’M FUCKING LEAVING TOWN” because she and joaquin are both sensible humans they should start a club

“I am an unwed mother carrying my cousin’s baby- i am the POSTERCHILD OF SIN” tattoo this line to my fucKING ASS

betty is beyond snappy comebacks and just makes the BETTY FACE at alice i love this show

are things WEIRD and DRAMATIC between kevin and moose and midge god i hope so

kevin sure breaks a lot of hearts for the “only gay kid in town” where is he finding these helpless smitten babies to ruin for anyone else

i love hermione and her conflicted well dressed ass

“I thought you said no weapons” “i’ve had this bat since i was ten” like that somehow negates it’s skull smashing properties i love you archie

“i thought you liked me reckless” they are trying REALLY DAMN HARD this season to convince us that jughead is the badboy in the relationship when we all know he’s the human gummy bear and betty is the baddest boy around

so we ot3 bughead+toni right because toni really wants a bite of that blondie

lodges are the shadiest of shade and we all know this dinner is going to go terribly but HOW TERRIBLY

“you precious, beautiful, compulsive piece of trash”- me @ every character on this show

ETHEL Y THE FUQ YOU WALKING HOME ALONE IN THE DARK

Kev do you seriously just follow whatever dude you see you are 16 fucking CHILL YOUR THIRST YOU WILL DIE

“don’t be sorry *hugs*” archie is such a dumb boy but a good boy protect him protect him with all your might

i am living for this drama between kevin and betty because they are both so right and so wrong all at once and their poor choices make such total sense for both of them bless this plotline this outburst is so heartbreaking honestly i know it’s not going to happen but bring joaquin back because he looked at kevin like the sun shone out his ass and how could kevin do dangerous things when he has someone like that around joaquin would keep him safe by sheer force of smitten-ness

i mean i am worried but i think we all knew juggie was gunna get beat up at least once or five times at this school

[nanyoky]

I forgot to post this on Wednesday because I was tired and never finished but also this episode was very rushed feeling? and I was just exhausted trying to keep up so I stopped

I'm living for this serial killer intro

Of course Alice doing her best to make everything worse

Archie no

Literally every time Hiram and Hermione are on screen together, a soft recording of that sick ES Posthumous remix of “Run This Town” plays in the distance

"So much chaos and confusion" Hiram we already have a resident trickster in town her name is Cheryl maybe Cheryl could stab Hiram in my Little Red Riding Hood fantasy

Oh boy Alice your manipulative mommy vibes are out of control. I love this. I love that she is both 100% sincere in her desire to protect her family and 100% using that sincerity to manipulate her family. Alice is such a great character (i know like five people like her irl and they are all the worst but also very flesh and blood real people) and Mädchen Amick is a shining star.

That's not how YouTube works

BETTY

This gang nonsense seems very reductive

This episode is giving me pause because? I was under the impression that FP was the LEADER of the serpents? But now that I think of it, is that really a thing we know, or did I just assume that because I love me some modern deconstructions of the Shakespearean warrior king trope? So this raises questions: is the reason the gang seems so fuckin messy this season because there is a power vacuum with fp in jail? Why is no one acknowledging that? Are they trying to decide who the next leader is? Are they waiting for sentencing before making any rash decisions? OR: am I wrong? Is FP not the leader of the Southside Serpents? If not him, who is? Or do they not have a leader and run truly democratic? I have so many questions and I feel like they won’t be answered because all we’re getting is this Southside V. Northside nonsense.

Also I really want Sweetpea and Fangs and all the southside kids to at one point meet kevin and be like “OMG YOU’RE KEVIN?! AS IN KEVIN KELLER?! oh god. Oh man.I don’t know what I pictured but- wow. What did you DO to our boy Joaquin because he was a doofy mess after you two met” because I really need a third party to assure kevin of what we all know that joaquin was head over heels for him and also did joaquin not have any friends that are now worried about him since he skipped town? family??? did he go to school? do his teachers notice he’s been absent for several weeks? is no one worried about the safety and wellbeing of this kid? I’m worried about him

What the fuck was that echoey archie quote remix

Archie actin like he didn't think anyone would be upset by this so dumb but at least his eyebrows are great

So I guess Kevin's not mad anymore????

A cipher hello zodiac

Betty babe. This is a terrible plan.

Oh how the tables have turned from just one episode to the next.

Okay so I was being flippant but seriously. SERIOUSLY? Last episode: “Kevin, making out with adult strangers in the woods while a serial killer is on the loose is dangerous- RESPECT YOURSELF.” “You’re coming at this from an outsider’s perspective and I’m hurt and fed up by your meddling but your concern for my safety is valid. I will stop doing the reckless thing.” This episode: “Kevin, don’t tell your dad or my parents, but there’s this serial killer directly contacting me and I don’t want anyone to know about it because I want to go after him myself.” “This seems questionable but okay.” ?????????????????? I don’t know what to say guys.

"He's terrified of me" *open snort* Sheriff Keller is the worst sheriff but I love him.

Doyely is such a premium psycho good God like what is his deal? Right?

"Trust. Right. Got it. " I love this heavy handed trash show

I love how they take so much effort to make the gun shop look sketchy when in reality a high school kid could get a gun at any normal run of the mill outdoors shop in the US because this country is a horror show hahaha i wish i was joking it’s fine I’m moving to Vancouver

Jughead/Cole Sprouse does not for a moment move my furniture, but you would have to be on some kind of meth not to know that BEDHEADJUGHEAD is a certified Good Look(tm)

Jughead you are being awkward about this which is making betty try harder which is what neither of you want

Oh boy this is a mess why so confrontational Toni

I would be so much more on board with this argument if not for two things: the incredible overuse of hot topic buzzwords (flashback to episode three last season with the overuse of “slut shaming”) and for another thing: it’s like both toni and betty are ACTIVELY AVOIDING points that would help them defend/explain their stances? Like if toni were like “hey so maybe the southside is full of drugs but we all just recently found out that is almost singlehandedly the doing of Clifford Blossom, known northside murderer and probable child abuser?” and if Betty were to be like “I understand there’s a huge problem with the high key classism and low key racism involved with the scapegoating of the southside, which is why every time I’ve been given the opportunity to speak up, I’ve brought up this scapegoating, per example: my own school paper and the jubilee speech.” i feel like they could have ended this brief tiff with some respect and understanding that they are two teenagers who can’t do much but they’re doing what they can but no i guess we need girl on girl drama otherwise it’s not a cw teen show. whatever.

"I'm gunna go" Kevin once again the character I identify with most

Archie starts tagging in someone else's neighborhood like that's ever acceptable like seriously how can Archie sometimes be SO GOOD and sometimes be SO BAD. Veronica’s explanation of him earlier was so spot on.

Holy shit this is a mess Sweetpea just really wants to hurt someone but like- just hurt them and then walk away and archie is like ONE WILL DIE TONIGHT AND IT’S NOT GUNNA BE ANYONE I CARE ABOUT GET SOME

Spoonin

Are Kevin and Cheryl besties now I want that very much Also i think this is the only time we’ve seen Cheryl in this ep and I miss her

Archie you are being the biggest shit

Fred coming in strong for team Sensible Human as per usual

So Penelope is like all better now???

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

We're going full outsiders where is Joaquin this is his #aesthetic he should be here

Speaking of, in my fantasy meta of FP as the hardened warrior king trope comparable to Henry IV, that would make Jughead our oddly socially awkward Prince Hal and, far too briefly in Season 1, Joaquin a rather cool-headed Hotspur. Does that, then, make Kevin Kate Percy? Discuss. Have discussion points prepared for next week and start thinking of paper proposals for the end of the semester.

Okay I’ll admit I was kinda Worn Out at this point so I might have missed something- but? Did? Premium? Psycho? Dilton? Doyely? Stab? Himself?!?!!?!?!?????????????????

Hahaha this is so great because Dilton and Reggie are going to tell everyone there was no fight and Dilton just got jumped. And if I’m right, Archie SAW that DIlton was the one to draw the knife, if not directly see him self-inflict the wound. BUT. Archie just gained the trust and loyalty of the Bulldogs by not ratting, so to do so now would mean losing his support network. But even he is not dumb enough to think that the witchhunt that will follow the case of “poor helpless Dilton got stabbed by wandering southside trash” is Right or Just. hahahaha archie knowing more than he should and being in moral dilemmas is the glue that holds this show together fuck me i need a drink

Premium Psycho Dilton Doyely fired the shot on the fourth of july. Premium Psycho Dilton Doyely pulled the knife in the rumble. There are Three (3) agents of Chaos in Riverdale, USA.

Also, one thing this show does is this very gothic-y way of being both very subtle and unsubtle in a very tropey way. I can’t quite describe it except in examples. “Where you gunna live now?” “I’ll figure it out, Dad.” is one. The film references in general are another. In this episode: The Zodiac Black Hood saying he’d strike “where it all began” and Betty immediately thinking he meant where she had “inspired” him, then rushing there only to find nothing actually went wrong at the town hall and it was a wild goose chase...... followed by Jughead’s narration (presumably written in the future beyond canon as we know it so far) referring specifically to Sweetwater River as the place “where it all began.” It’s a delicate line they walk but the wild assumptions! We can now make?!? Incredible!!! We can guess that not only will we find out next episode that something went down that night at sweetwater river involving the black hood that betty will probably blame herself for not forseeing. But? Also? does that imply that the black hood murders are in some way connected to jason’s murder? Or does the black hood mean “where it all began” in a general: “this event changed our town and i’m changing it further” kind of way? WHO KNOWS! BUT I LOVE IT!

Episode scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Rhythmic Editing Moments: I don’t think any. ST was kinda lacking in this one.

Do I Still Miss Joaquin and His Astoundingly Pretty Face? Yes.

Episode Hair MVP: JUGHEADBEDHEAD

[nanyoky]

okay so i’m still upset it seems like he’s is not coming back but i searched this part out because upon rewatch i noticed that joaquin is literally the only serpent actually watching rebel without a cause and i can’t stop laughing

he may not get much screentime, but every millisecond of joaquin’s existence is just being Too Gay For This (tm)

[nanyoky]

OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

I can’t stop laughing at this screencap because

the show started off with two galpals with a token gay bestie and now it’s like a gay couple and their token galpal

Also their judgement faces are solid gold

[nanyoky]

Nell’s Preemptive “I Told You So” Riverdale Predictions Roundup

So we’re three eps in to season two, and one of my favorite activities with an active series is to wildly speculate about what’s going to happen so I can gloat if I’m right or turn the possibilities into fic if I’m wrong. 

Things I think might happen:

~The Killer: Let’s get the easy one out of the way. We all know the writers are trying way too hard to cast suspicion on Hiram for it to actually... be Hiram. I mean he’s a shady dude, no doubt. But I really don’t think it’s actually him responsible for all the shootings and deaths. So who is it? Someone with strong black and white morals. Shooter appears to be Caucasian male- middle aged.

I’ve seen speculation that it’s either Sheriff Keller or Hal Cooper. Both strong options. Both very morally black and white to a painful fault. Add in that Sheriff Keller seems like- REALLY BAD at being sheriff (altho an A+ dad) and that seems like a good guess. This would also cause so much angst for Kevin, who is now a much more involved and rounded character. Hal is not particularly threatening, but a bit of a dick so that doesn’t seem far off either. Angst for Betty who already feels like she’s inherited the worst parts of her family and acknowledged that there are things they just #don’t talk about. So she would have sort of seen it coming. And they both fit the general physical description of the shooter, so if it’s just one person acting on their own, solid options.

Also seen guesses that it’s Betty’s long lost brother which seems kinda... cheap. This is a soap opera/suburban gothic. Shock value is worth it’s weight in gold here in genre town. For the killer to be a mysterious figure that we know exists but haven’t met yet seems kinda lame. He may be a good red herring tho- like FP in season 1.

Personally, I’m thinking more of and Orient Express situation. Multiple killers. Maybe the Messed Up Parents brigade all got together and decided to do something about the crime in their town, Hot Fuzz style. Or multiple motives with one killer claiming credit for the other attacks to gain legitimacy. It’s early. I’m still gathering crackpot theories.

~Archie’s Whole Deal (TM): Archie is going to shoot someone who doesn’t deserve it on accident. This isn’t even a theory. We all know it. Big piece of my money is on Ronniekins cuz they got together way too early and Hiram gave a very brief but threatening version of the shotgun talk so that could be real messy. She wouldn’t die. But it would seriously mess up their relationship and how all the characters see Archie. And how he sees himself because he already always feels like everything is his fault so if a case wound up where something terrible ACTUALLY WAS he would not be in a good place.

Another piece of my bank is on Fred because how awful would it be for Archie to accidentally kill the one person he’s so obsessed with protecting. God. So messed up. HERE FOR IT.

Maybe Betty. Maybe Jughead. Maybe Kev. Childhood friends. Ouch. I don’t think they’d actually kill one of the core four, but we all know how much network tv loves to kill their gays so.... 

But aside from that I am calling this HARD: Archie has not told us everything about what happened at the diner. The shooter said something or had some other identifying characteristic or SOMETHING that Archie is scared to tell people about. He’s a really bad liar and his reticence right after the event felt like it went beyond survivor’s guilt. 

Possibilities for this: the Black Hood said something that indicated a personal connection or a threat of more violence. It seems like in all the flashbacks, the diagetic sound is cut or distorted, but we can hear the shooter shouting. And normally when witnesses look at suspects, the police ask the lineup to repeat a line that the perp said so the victim can hear their voice- ESPECIALLY in a case where the perp was wearing a mask. That this didn’t happen makes it seem like archie didn’t tell Sheriff keller any details on what the guy said, which seems weird if it was just “get on the ground!” or “don’t move” or something. I dunno. This could just be a writing oversite. But it could be something so lets wildly speculate shall we.

OR: Archie knows who the shooter is. Or has a guess. He seems REAL stuck on the green eyes thing. Almost to the point where i don’t believe it. Like- I know the guy was wearing a mask so the eyes are the only detail he could pick out, but I don’t really notice people’s eye colors that often- especially when in a high stress situation. It seems weird how sure Archie is and how much he fixates on the detail. Like if he just looks the right person in the eyes he’ll know for sure. In the words of the meme world “okay... that seems fake, but okay...”

SO maybe he knows who it is. Or has a guess who it is. Maybe the killer threatened something along the lines of “you better lead them away from me or I”m coming right back” so Archie picked some implausibly minute detail to feed the cops to comply, which feeds into his guilt, thus Team Kickass.

~Pollykins on The Farm: Okay this one may have like zero basis aside from a gut feeling (and one time I got a gut feeling that Captain America: Civil War wasn’t going to disappoint me, and here we are, so go ahead and take this with a metric ton of salt) but like? Are we? Worried? About this farm Polly is going to? That there’s just some farm upstate that can’t wait to have a pregnant teen hang out with them? And the way she said “they still have room for me” makes it sound like there’s a lot of people there? So it’s not like- a plot of land and a little house she and Jason were thinking of buying- but a community they were going to click into? Add in the HEAVY Zodiac killer vibes and I am... concern. I am very concern about the possibility that maybe last season was late 50s/early 60s esque Suburban Gothic themed, but what if this season is... late 60s/early 70s esque serial killers.

Polly. Baby. Angel. I fully support your decision to leave Riverdale but please consider starting a club of #Sensible People with Joaquin instead of joining the Manson Family.

~What’s Up With Hermione- I Mean- Right? I’ve seen a lot of people saying “I really liked Hermione in season one but what the fuck happened? Why is she so awful now?” Veronica made a reference in Season one to her mom taking pills/drinking, but she seems to be drinking a lot more this season.

And I mean- she’s got shit going on. Her husband is back. There’s a lot of baggage with that. He knows she had a bit of a tryst while he was in jail so their relationship is likely strained at best. Also she knows that he threatened her safety to their fucking daughter which is just wow. Gold star hubby right here. So maybe her behavior/attitude is a reflection that she’s now back in a toxic relationship and things were more like this before Hiram went to jail, Veronica just didn’t notice because she was The Old Veronica and wrapped up in her own little world. That’s entirely plausible.

But what’s also plausible is Hermione playing a long game. She proved herself very smart and very shrewd in season one with all that happened with her husband and the serpents and Fred.  And her plot seemed to end off with Fred giving her a bit of a carpe diem when it came to her husband and their shady business dealings. Maybe she’s taking him up on that call to action, but very much in her own way. Does she want to Bring Hiram Down completely? Does she want to divorce him? Does she just want a bit more agency and control over her family and her life? We’ll see. And I’m excited to.

~Your Secrets.... Your Sins....: Is anyone else concerned about this phrasing from the Black Hood’s letter? Is it just me? I mean it’s not exactly so esoteric that it might be a coincidence, but there were a lot of people at that party and any one of them could be/have a connection to someone who might want to kill people. I’m not really including this in the killer speculation just because it’s less a prediction, more of a detail that is making me #STRESSED

Things that won’t happen but I can dream can’t I:

~I have this really intense fantasy of Cheryl hooking up with some guy who’s like- the goonish musclehead of the week for her. And they go out to the woods to make out and he gets a bit fresh. And then doesn’t react well to her rebuffing him and gets rough. And then she just straight up kills him in a bloody mess. Probably with a knife with an ornate handle because of course she probably has one of those lying around somwhere. OR with some more brutal and unexpected weapon like a crowbar. All this happens while Little Red Riding Hood by Sam and the Pharaohs plays. Cheryl looks great. The goon looks dead. Scene cuts from Cheryl’s wide eyed, heavy breathing, lip trembling, blood splattered face to black right on the “Aroooooooo” at the end of the song. Hire me CW I’m your exact brand of Extra AF but I’m better at dialogue.

Likelyhood: slim to none. This is a weirdly specific need I have and I don’t know how it would fit into the larger plot. I just need it real bad.

~I want Joaquin to come back and for there to be drama between him and Kevin because TRUST but ultimately they have a heart to heart about how different their lives have been because we know Kevin’s dad is very supportive but like- we don’t know anything about joaquin’s home life other than that he’s in a gang? and people just don’t join gangs cuz they think it’s fun? so I’m feeling Tale As Old As TIme: parents kicked him out when he came out and the Serpents were the only place he could go and FP didn’t fucking care he was gay just so long as he was loyal and so that explains that complicated relationship there. And so they get back together and continue looking very cute and in love and happy. That I feel is a good balance between the v. real “being a gay kid in a small town sucks ass” drama and the v. real desire a lot of us have to just fucking let the gays be happy for once goddammit.

Likelyhood: Low. They really seem to be steering Season 2!Kevin away from Season 1!Kevin hard so the probability of bringing back his old side character love interest seems very very low. But I dunno. I think they made an error in underestimating how attached we’d get to Joaquin’s pretty face so if they’re trawling social media they might see all the “i miss snicksnake boy...” and take pity on us.

~The “Blossoms in the Attic” joke I have been fucking waiting for since Episode 1

Likelyhood: low. I feel like if it was going to happen, it would probably have been Veronica during Secrets and Sins.

[nanyoky]

What do you mean by Jughead embarks on a traditional feminine narrative?

Okay so i’m still a lil (read: a lot) drunk so I apologize for any bad articulation but the jist of my ranting is this:In the first season of Riverdale especially, Jughead is the character under threat by darkness. Even though he’s the narrator, the other characters are positioned as the heroes of the story, and Jughead’s safety OR his feelings are the things put in danger by the villains. FP obviously confesses to a murder he didn’t commit to protect his son. Betty and Archie seek out information about FP while concealing their suspicions from Jughead in order to spare his feelings. So the narrative is positioning Jughead as the symbol of innocence and purity worthy of protection. “You were… so HAPPY-” betty says when she tries to explain why she didn’t tell him that Alice Cooper was being- well- Alice Cooper when she invited FP over for dinner. Jughead’s happiness is a rare and delicate thing that deserves tenderness and protection. This isn’t usually how narrative treats male feelings. This is usually reserved for the hero’s love interest, or even more so- young daughter. Someone who embodies simple love and truth and purity. Someone who looks like Betty. But instead of Betty’s feelings being protected by a male hero, we have her acting as the protector of jughead’s shivering, fragile light in the cold dark world. And all the audience is WEAK IN THE KNEES.BUT THEN. We know that the story must go on, right? things don’t end with swashbuckling Betty Cooper dueling the villains over the honor of her delicate ingenue love, right? The sequel to the narrative is the finale- with the serpents passing on FP’s jacket to Jughead. This is the #empowerment scene. A scene reserved for Keira Knightley in Pirate of the Caribbean. This scene is Jughead taking on the #Leather of Morally Ambiguous Agency, like Michelle Pfieffer in Batman Returns before him. He is given an opportunity to take charge of his own narrative. To stop being the helpless damsel tied to the railroad tracks. The serpents are an actionable force within the narrative. They drive plot. They are hired to devalue land. They give drugs to Jason. They hide and later, uncover evidence. By accepting the life of the serpents, Jughead steps out of his role as a passive narrator who bears witness to the darkness and violence of riverdale, and stakes his claim as a catalyst for more darkness and chaos. It’s not so much the taking up of darkness that makes this narrative arc feminine, but the juxtaposition of the start and end of the narrative. The fact that jughead’s acceptance of the jacket feels foreboding simply because we know that episode one jughead would have actively shunned this symbol of violence. The only time i’ve seen men undergo such 180s of morality is when the character is positioned as a Man of the Cloth ™- a religious figure.AND THAT’S JUST SEASON ONE.The best– and i mean- the BEST– part of “jughead as the heroine of Riverdale” arc is in the Nick St. Clair episode in Season 2. Holy shit- I mean- HOLY SHIT. I don’t remember who articulated it first or best, but there’s a tradition in western media that if you want to make a male hero, you have him DO something. But if you want to write a female heroine, you have her ENDURE something. Women are portrayed as passive objects, even in narratives meant to be about them. This is why we have so many stories about women who only decided to become badasses because they were HORRIBLY ABUSED. But in this episode, with the Pussycats belting a Broadway classic in the background, we see an AMAZING reversal of this trend. We have a group of women DOING. Veronica and the Pussycats are the ones to enact violence upon a villain as a form of justice. They are the Valkeryies. They are Clint Eastwood. They are the Punisher and Batman all rolled into one.Vigilantes who know what is right even if law and order say they should sit back and wait for judgement day to sort it all out. And spliced in with that, we have Jughead ENDURING violence and pain done unto him willingly to prove his worth to a culture that thrives on violence. Like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This sceene was AMAZING?! It was so good?! Veronica and the Pussycats were the knights of camelot and Jughead was Guinevere?!?!?! And all this takes place because YOU GUESSED IT- the villain (this time the black hood) has threatened jughead’s safety in order to control the hero (betty).td;lr: Riverdale is a show built entirely of genre and archetype tradition, but it’s strongest in the way it plays with these patterns in unexpected ways that are engaging whether you know the source tropes like the back of your hand, or if you are just here for a fun melodramatic time on the cw.