#i have waffled enough probably
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i cant believe i wasn't following u b4,,,,,ive just been silently scrolling through your blog for like a solid YEAR and just haven't even noticed????? n e ways what are tha thoughts on literally anyone in p4 being trans bc i live for that 🎤
the way my brain decided that this was asking for pronoun headcanons and did not reread to make sure that was what you were asking before drawing all of this…... well anyways
#asks & requests#p4#trans naoto#<- trans everyone lmaooooo#sort of waffling on chie-- he could also be trans or enby easily#ive always thought he would be a 'my gender is lesbian' type person tho LMAO#if hes trans then she and yukiko are as close as they are because trans friends lmao if chie is afab then i think that would come up#accepting his shadow- part of him not feeling 'feminine' enough is that yukiko is more of a woman than her in societys eyes and well.#its not a violent outing bc no one who heard her shadow is like that but chie apologises to yukiko for that#yukiko transitioned pretty early so no one in town (school age at least) really knows#rise is afab its just that she Despises the idea of being a man#kanji is cis but hes cis+ after exploring; does do the occasional drag but is a gay man who happens to use she/her#yosukes whole vibe is 'probably nonbinary but i have a job so i cant worry about that rn'. also i think maybe bigenderism in his future#he/him only for the foreseeable future tho. baby steps#narukami is defo stealth mode for at least the beginning of the game but probably around teddie or naotos shadow she comes out#and i like kuma so ze is like me and uses it/its. :).#ok those are all my notes. sorry for not directly responding to what you asked but i do think what i said is a good answer to your wuestion.#for claritys sake i also live for it.
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as pleased as i am that we're getting a new support hero, i can't help but be disappointed that she looks like d.va's and tracers's models just got mashed together (i literally thought it was just a new skin for either of them for a sec). i kinda want to know what the lore behind her is, but... at the same time i lost interest in new characters lore after bap :( let us know if she's at least fun to play when you get a chance to test her out!
i havent been interested in OW lore since like. idk maybe ramattra: at this point i am just here to see if the chara plays nice and if they look nice while liking the old ones LOL juno looks real fun to play with the space theme, so i'm optimistic she'll be a joy :^)
regarding juno about her appearance, i don't think she looks too much like a mash up of dva/tracer like some of the gal heroes usually do (kiriko genuinely does just make me think of tracer sometimes, for instance)..
...but i do like her 'preview' model before. at the very least, her eyes made her stand out with how sharp the lashes were coupled with her smaller face
in the model we have now, they like. nerfed her lashes LOL??? i could be coping but her old eyes looked more 'rectangular' than the rounded shape we have now also. if they kept the eyes from before, i think that would've helped make her stand out, at the very least the lashes. they have a particular style to them that just isn't translated into the in-game model now
#ask#juno#i dont know anything of juno lore wise. if they even dropped anything Lore Wise#but i feel like she should be a 'colder' character in language? like the in-game shots give her more life than before#idk i just reaaaally like the energy of the preview- maybe im seeing nothing though LOL it just /feels/ different#maybe it's because she doesn't have a helmet ...#oh my god no they removed like. whatever those side panels are on her cheeks NOOOO#like they cleaned up her face she doesnt have the chin cap either... put it back#SEE THT'S WHAT WOULDVE HELPED she has this 'diamond' compact face shape#but the accessories on her face narrow it out into a triangle#he face language is just. different. like the previews are only images so idk how she'd look moving#but it feels like her expressions should be more stiff ... though i dont know how congruent that is with her lore/personality#like there's a slight wave with the in-game expressions in regards to her eyebrows#idk im waffling. ow team give her her eyes and face accessories back#its funny cause looking at her concept art her eyes threre are closer to the in-game model#Awful why am i cursed witht his knowledge. she looked better in the preview#is it that different Probably Not but it's different enough to me#i just hope she has good skins <- probably wont even get them if theyre not free or if i dont hoard gold#REGARDLESS. will absolutely report how she plays once i get the chance :)
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Anyway I know the special was very much "Kagami is going to keep that secret" but honestly if you expect me to believe that blunt-ass bitch is going to be able to keep quiet forever...
#❪ ⠀ ✦ ⠀ ─── ⠀ missallanea / ooc ⠀﹕ probably hyperfixating on something. ⠀ ❫#/ i know she didn't want marinette to tell adrien#/ but honestly i don't think she's much for keeping secrets.#/ she just knew adrien had enough to deal with with losing his dad#/ he didn't need everything at once#/ but kagami is also dealing with some pretty shite revelations herself so i guess you can chalk them up to that.#/ idk i waffle on how she would react going forward.#/ whatever the show does i'll just keep doing my own thing.#/ kagami & nathalie are my ocs at this point.#/ (i should have been in bed an hour ago but i've just been staring into the void.)
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i am going to scream (wip rambling in the tags)
#(not subjecting this to my wip thread [hi j k l if you see this somehow] [how did i not notice your names line up in the alphabet]#because im really just waffling at this point)#it has been three(?) months and i still cannot decide if this thing is ending happily or unhappily#because it is just. so unrealistic to save LIGHT FUCKING YAGAMI from herself#i feel like this is one of those things where i have to just keep writing the plot and ill figure out the ending along the way#BUT I DON'T WANT TO. i want to know where i'm going first so i can signpost!#god#really i just need to figure out misa and soichiro and the actual plot#but like. okay. so#what actually changes for light's internal state is#1) she has a secret to keep that doesnt fit with the charming young man image but is harmless (at least relative to the murder)#2) she and L are both in on the secret#3) it is a point of commonality she has with L that isn't about ruthlessness intelligence or murder#4) it upends her entire sense of self perception#and are these points enough to save her. i dont know. i dont know#i think at the very least it makes yotsuba slightly more bearable#in the direction of L&light anyway. her relationship with her father is probably going to be worse#and of course theres still misa#who is ALSO getting her entire sense of self perception upended#i still dont know how she's going to react to pretty much anything#i have an instinctive feeling for her first reaction but it's such desperate denial that it is going to break sometime#not that she broke for five entire years of miserably happy comphet relationship in canon#but i feel like this might be more jarring than that#aaaand if so how does that change her part in yotsuba arc because she was the one who got higuchi caught and did that for light#my god why am i doing this to myself. i could have been happy i could have written a high school au.#but anyway back to light HOW AM I GOING TO GIVE HER A HAPPY ENDING WHEN SHE'S *LIGHT* AND L'S *L* AND#like the problem is it would be SO easy to give her a sad ending. so easy that i honestly dont want to. i want her to be happy it's just#the logistics#i genuinely think theres a chance i could do it theres just so many VARIABLES im going to start BITING#edit: jesus they deleted all the tags after this one. is this the thirtieth tag. it IS wow
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another day another "applying the concept 'disposability' to 'someone withdraws from a personal relationship, & that wasn't signed off on by the other'" kill me
#literal acknowledged interpersonal abuse Needing to be ''mediated'' (implicit premise of preserving that relationship >>>)#and if the victim doesn't participate they're treating their abusive partner / abusive relationship as ''disposable''#like in what meaningful way. getting away from an abuser is ''disposing'' of them like imprisonment / killing From A State?#dropping an abusive relationship is ''disposing'' of it? like uh yeah i sure hope it is#this is always Vaguely Applied to ''ppl don't want to HANDLE CONFLICTS or DO THE WORK'' & then connected to political actions#like well someone's just a bad person In The World / All Things if they stopped being my friend and i don't know why#like of course that Can Be good faith. it's a personal business#but if someone ghosts you and you truly don't know why Yeah maybe there's something going on but like okay let them go#if they want to do that for reasons you don't think are Compelling or they just aren't interested / putting in that Effort then like#what Friendship is really being lost here. but then tweet about it with no context & a zillion ppl like SO TRUE kys randos#[fart reverb Conflict Is Not Abuse] standard abuse apologetics which are easy & a zillion ppl go SO TRUE b/c It's Abuse Culture#someone HAS to Answer My Texts / Calls / In Person Confrontations As A Bold Clearsighted Political Actor are you kidding#someone really doesn't. even if you Really are like ''and i'm not even consciously malicious'' what a high bar#one gazillion abusive parents will tell you And My Estranged Child Won't Even Tell Me Why / Doesn't Have Any Good Reasons / Won't Talk....#what am i supposed to doooo i'm at a losssss And Really I'm The Victim#''i want to break up'' / ''okay i don't :) let's talk through Your Feelings :) [waffle around until insisting on Same Access To Person]''#someone can rescind interpersonal access to themself For Any / No Reason. on a dime no explanation necessary. for god's sake#and friendship is not actually some magically pure & Neutral relationship either. same things#anyway just unfollowed some rando for their thread spinning off a vague qrt ''ppl are so AFRAID OF CONFRONTATION they unfriend u''#going on & on abt how You Need To Put In The Work & Effort & You're Just Probably A Bad Person Otherwise & Disposability like#the disposability is my three points wastebasket toss. death via the state =/= someone won't talk to you. can we be at all serious#every day i reach out further like aplatonic people [some emblem gesture] lovelessness [same] help me#thinking of a Good Tweet i saw abt framing everything re: interactions with others around Consideration first & foremost#wildly enough the way you treat people doesn't need to have Fundamental Assumptions re: like ah Friendship / Community / Love / Family &ccc#how do you treat a stranger. how do you treat someone who you don't personally like &/or vice versa. how do you treat ppl you don't Meet.#it's all so vague it could mean Anything but a) often hints towards [abuse victims are framed as Bad Political Actors]#& b) then that's what people read into & respond to for sure lol#as ever ''oh everyone's just little bitches who can't handle any discomfort. yes; this was prompted by my being discomfited''#wait yeah lol i did not Confront this stranger to try to Posit this to them in twttr's character limit; just unfollowed. disposability smh
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comic planning/roughs on the clock at work 👍 ok. this one's still a few posts out though
#god i really do just need to get a tablet or. something#some way to draw digitally on the go bc my laptop is um#at least 200% less portable than your typical old clunky laptop. its a whole ordeal#and as u can see tradish scribbles are barely usable#though i guess it would help if i ever remembered to grab something besides a shite pen at work lmao <-hates pen forever#mad bc i think this one is kind of mid+redundant for what i'd intended it to do bc of how some of the previous ones shifted#but i still gotta draw it bc one of the later ones uses it. buh#when i said these werent chronological or connected btw i lied#though only VERY VERY LOOSELY so. enough to bother *me* if i don't do them in order#but not enough that's really going to be noticeable to anyone else. they're each still intended 99% as standalone.#the arc is very minor but its there. for me. for anyone else it probably just amounts to a couple easter egg references/ consistencies#by the by the pizzaposts before this arent part of the series.#one small quickie thing and one i would...really like to get done sooner rather than later bc i need it out of my system#former's like 70% sketched im just waffling on execution#latter is uh...theres a lot there but it's harder to work on And harder tell how close to done it is.#unrelated its funny how i Always forget brick until i start putting anything down and then its like oh god yeah i can do bg Jokes with him#funny in the sense that one of my webcomic protag oc's is a...spatially similar deal as him [little kid with a big bear companion]#and i ALWAYS forget the bear when im scripting it. until i start messing with the layout and its like fuck theres a bear.#i have to do things with this now. fortunately thus far it hasn't been too hard to adapt#much rambling tonight goodbye. i haev to go block all these damn bots
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Everytime I listen to 'Biggering' I mourn for what we could have had in The Lorax </3
Im not afraid to admit that I listen to it unironically. Its such a banger, especially the last part. Gonna forever hold a grudge that the song wasnt included in the movie </333
Gonna throw the song below VVV
#You know it gets bad when you're waffling on about The Lorax at 5am#'How Bad Can I be“ is aight and would probably draw the kids in more#which kids are their target audience but I do not care. I will stay mad#THE LYRICS AND BEAT AT THE END MAKE ME ASCEND TO HEAVEN#AND IM AN ATHEIST#Sorry Im getting sidetracked here#but yeah. banger. and no one can convince me otherwise#I have a very peculiar music taste ok?!!?!?! >:p#The silly song about corporations did NOT have to go so hard#For a kids movie too is insane /pos#Suppose I cant write this post without including the tag#The Lorax#This is my life now. Yapping about a kids movie's cut song at half five in the morning#Spotify#Lowkey think its college thats driving me insane enough to do these things#yeah thats gonna be what Im blaming now
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i am so ungodly sorry for straight up dying for like a month straight. as a token of my self condemnation here is a character I came up with literally today.
His name is goo
#enjoy goo because I probably am going to die again soon enough#also in all seriousness my warioware hyper fixation is kinda dying down so I haven't been as motivated. :(#I have done a lot of art but its mostly just oc stuff and that does absolute piss poor on here I've seen. sucks but that's just how it is#but hey. I posted#oc#original character#waffle's art
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starts crying because i thought too hard about friends, who i had barely had a few weeks to get to know before pandemic hit, bringing me thanksgiving dinner from 10 feet away door dash style. i know this i was just a regular thing to do but id 1. just moved for the 10th time in 7 years like three months before the panini. to Yet Another state. 2. recently given up on art and decided the smart thing to do was get licensed and start working as an emt. in the pandemic. like a person with No Fucking Brain. while further deciding to go back to school bc i guess i spent enough time in the infectious ravioli to think i could stick this out for the long haul BC REALLY COULD IT GET WORSE (it can always get worse). and thus hadn't spent extensive time with anyone that wasnt intimately involved in making morbid jokes about the "meat lockers" outside all the hospitals (in case we ended up like nyc. Which we didn't by sheer icu-bed-per-capita, but only sorta). and also you gotta laugh or cry and they Were meat lockers. so you laugh.
but anyway i hadn't seen these people for months and they made a whole dinner and brought it to me and that's why i'm still in chicago.
#im very tired so many people always die in december for no reason#probably for some reason but i'm not smart enough to know it#but also its like damn i do enjoy seeing patients on a consistent basis as compared to what i used to do where i never see them again#and just assumed they were left for dead in an overcrowded nursing home#but its weird to have a healthy 62 year old come in for enough post ops you get to know them#and then suddenly they are found dead in their bed bc sometimes life sucks#so if someone brings me food i start crying#@the little polish lady i'd met once and who brought me so many anise flavored waffle cookies today i love you and its your fault#bc i am normal and regular and would not have stabbed myself in the eye if i didn't have two small cats who needed me by august of 2020
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( when I tell you I think about this literally every day . . . Erik reading Shakespeare to Christine is something that can actually be so personal )
#( the man behind the monster. ) ooc#( what do you think Christine's favorite Shakespeare play is? )#( I want to say Erik's is Hamlet but I don't think he'd actually have the patience for the danish prince lsdkfj )#( too much waffling around not enough making things happen )#( he'd probably like Othello . . . a man of passion and action )#( also the Tempest . . . the magician in decline giving up his powers )
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Come on hyoverse I want to know more about that cowboy and that guy who looks like riikami
[ID: the loading screen for the game Honkai Star Rail, the screen is a train flying through the sky past a planet. /End ID]
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spotify is still telling me that if I don't hurry I'll miss the amon amarth concert like honey I've listened to one of their songs that is Not the priority right now
#im probably gonna buy the dt tickets on tuesday when my buddy im dragging with me is there#so i can have somebody to pressure me out of waffling like i always do#but like. the 2% chance theyll play lethe live is enough to make me like halfway to not waffling#veespeaks
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Hi 👋 anyone have any free music listening alternatives to spotify?
#im trying out one app which i Moght switch over to despite it being a bit annoying#just really couldnt afford premium before and its just ridiculous at this point tbh#i want an app because i dont have space to actually download the music (i have probably over 2000 songs saved)#and also the ability to play songs on repeat#ads i can tolerate if i can play songs on loop that is almost soley the reason i even use spotify along with wrapped#anyways enough waffle#any help is Much appreciated#music#audio#Spotify#idk what other tags to add#le text post
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May I request a five x reader where they are living domestically and just being happy and lovey dovey especially experiencing everything they did together while being in the apocalypse, the time commission, stoping the other apocalypses etc (five x Lila doesn’t exist five x Lila doesn’t exist five x Lilia doesn’t-)
a/n: this piece is basically a big fuck you to s4 so enjoy five being happy and domestic with reader and not his own brother’s wife. also five and reader are mentally older adults but physically in their twenties
warnings: language, fluff, mentions of pregnancy
summary: now that the timeline has been fixed and the world is no longer in danger, five can enjoy a peaceful life with you
The sunlight that bleeds through the curtains is almost blinding as Five begins to stir himself awake. Stretching out his limbs until he hears a satisfying pop, he lets out a sigh and moves to reach out for someone that isn’t there. Your spot in bed is still warm which means you haven’t been gone for long, but Five still rises with a sense of urgency when greeted with your absence. Call it muscle memory from dealing with multiple kidnapping ploys against you or an old habit that just won’t die off after having to remain vigilant when protecting you from the enemy, but the poor boy’s heart always skips a beat when you go missing.
He finds you in the kitchen brewing a fresh pot of coffee, your back to him as you hum along to the radio that plays on the counter and search for Five’s favorite cup in the cabinet. He has to pause and take a breath to remind himself that you’re not in danger, your life of protecting timelines and ending apocalypses is over, and the fresh start you’ve made for yourselves isn’t in any jeopardy. You’re real, you’re alive, and you’re his.
“Morning,” Five softly calls with a careful smile as he rests a hand on the small of your back and presses a tender kiss to your lips.
“Good morning,” you great cheerfully before handing him his cup of coffee. “I didn’t hear you get up. Did I wake you?”
“Not at all,” he assures you before taking a hearty gulp of the hot liquid. After years of being together you know how to make Five’s coffee just the way he likes it and could probably do so in your sleep if asked. Your thoughtfulness is just one of the many traits of yours that have him wrapped around your finger always.
“We need to go grocery shopping,” you note dutifully as you peek your head into the fridge in search of breakfast. Frowning, you announce, “We’re out of eggs, so I guess it’s frozen waffles for breakfast.”
“Why don’t we go out for breakfast today?” Five suggests with an innocent shrug.
“Really? But you hate breakfast places. They can never make your coffee right.”
“I also hate seeing you eat frozen waffles three days in a row,” he reminds you with a wry chuckle. Maneuvering you out of the way, Five closes the fridge shut and gives you a gentle nudge in the direction of your shared bedroom. “Go on, get dressed. You can wear that new dress you bought the other day.”
“You’re right!” You exclaim with an excited gasp and rush off to your room before Five can change his mind. Not that he would, of course. Five would do anything to see you happy after all the shit he’s put you through in your time together. Sometimes he still wonders why you ever agreed to marry him, perhaps a slip of sanity or lack of care for your own wellbeing, but he wasn’t one to complain. He liked living the quiet life with you, and he wouldn’t change it for the world.
~~~
The night air is cool against your bare shoulders as you sit comfortably upon the porch swing and listen to the cicadas sing their evening song. The sun has long since set, but the string of lights that hang above you are enough to allow you to see the pages of your color by numbers book. Beside you, Five sits with a book in one hand while the other rests atop of your legs strewn across his lap. He enjoys sitting in the silence of your company as you remain glued together despite partaking in your own hobbies separately.
“We’ve been married for thirty years,” you state simply, breaking the silence but never once breaking your focus from your coloring book.
“Sure have,” is Five’s thoughtful reply. Setting his book aside, your husband gives your calf a gentle squeeze and turns to look at your concentrated features.
“Not including your siblings, it’s always been just us. Together in the apocalypse, partners under the Commission, husband and wife.”
“Is that a bad thing?” He asks, not quite sure what point you’re trying to make. Are you rethinking the marriage? Are you finally starting to have regrets about marrying him? He watches with bated breath as you set your materials to the side and finally meet his anxious gaze.
“I want to start a family of our own,” you finally confess, nervously fidgeting with your wedding ring as you await his response with hopeful eyes. “I don’t want it to be just us anymore.”
Sighing, Five leans his head back and shuts his eyes as he processes your request. He can’t say he’s surprised by your question; he’s noticed the way you eye babies in public, how you linger just a little too long to admire the window display of the infant clothing store at the mall, how you’ll hold the twins for hours in your arms and refuse to give them back until Diego has to physically pry them from your grasp. It’s only natural for you to feel this way, but that’s not the problem. The problem is Five isn’t exactly sure how he feels about becoming a father.
“I don’t know,” he admits carefully, taking great caution when choosing his next words so as to not upset you. “Having a kid, becoming parents… it changes everything.”
“I know we couldn’t before because there was the Commission and then the multiple apocalypses, and that’s why I never asked. But Five,” you urge gently, shifting to sit yourself up on your knees so you can reach over and take both of his hands in your own, “all of that is done with. We fixed the timeline, and all that end of the world nonsense is over with for good. No one is coming after us anymore or trying to kill me to get to you. We can properly grow old now and have a simple life together, wasn’t that always the goal?”
The boy is silent as he mulls over your speech. You’re completely right; saving the world and resetting the timeline to its proper place in order to ensure you and his siblings could have the lives you deserved was always the end goal. But after spending his entire existence trying to complete that task, he finds it hard to adjust to his new life of normalcy. Perhaps he’s not exactly scared of becoming a parent, but scared of what a baby would mean in the grand scheme of things. It would be proof that his work is truly over now, that he can turn his survival mode off after having it set to fight for so many years, and that’s a big adjustment for someone like him.
But when he looks at your hopeful gaze and sees the way you anxiously worry your lip between your teeth, he realizes that he’ll do anything to give you the happy life you deserve. He brings one of your hands to his lips and holds it tight as he murmurs his answer into the skin of your palm.
“If you think we’re ready, then I’m in.”
“You mean it?” You gasp while doing your best to withhold your excitement. Your eyes are wide and full of hope as Five lets out a soft chuckle before giving you a reassuring kiss.
“We survived the end of the world several times, how scary could raising a baby really be?”
He isn’t given an answer to his hypothetical question as you fling yourself into his arms and assault his face with multiple kisses along his skin. It’s safe to say his answer has eased your anxieties, and the boy can only laugh as you express your gratitude.
“I’m so happy you agree!” You exclaim giddily, your hands coming to rest upon his chest to ground yourself as you then suggest to Five’s surprise, “Let’s start trying tonight!”
“What?”
~~~
“That has to be the tiniest Hargreeves I’ve ever seen,” Klaus gushes adoringly as he takes in the details of the ultrasound photo in front of him. “Look at the little peanut, isn’t it precious?”
“I can’t believe Five is actually going to be a dad,” Allison notes in astonishment as the three of you turn your gaze to see him arguing with Diego over the proper way to baby proof your home while Ben eggs them on and ruins Luther’s efforts at trying to keep the peace. You’re only two months along, but Five is anxious to ensure that everything is perfect for your child’s arrival.
“You know, you might just be the first 65 year-old woman to give birth,” Klaus points out cheekily. “You should be in a world records book or something.”
“Very funny,” you retort sarcastically before taking back the ultrasound photo to hang up on the fridge. You falter for a moment when your eyes remain stuck to photo and your brain works on overdrive to commit the image to memory as best as you can.
“Everything okay?” Viktor asks after noticing the sudden change in demeanor.
“I just can’t believe this is real,” you murmur quietly, blinking back tears that threaten to spill. “After everything we’ve been through and everything we’ve lost, I guess a part of me worries that one day I’ll wake up and this will all have been a dream.”
“I know how that feels,” Allison assures you with a comforting squeeze to your shoulder. “But I promise you this isn’t a dream, and whatever you need we’ll be there.”
“Because you’re family now,” Viktor adds on with a confident nod. “And we look out for family no matter what.”
“Even though at one point in our lives we’ve all thought about killing each other,” Klaus notes humorously before giving you a tight squeeze.
“Everything okay over here?” Five asks, appearing at your side and placing a comforting hand on your back as you all turn your gazes towards the fridge and admire the newest addition to the family.
“Everything is perfect.”
#request#the umbrella academy#five hargreeves#number five#five#five hargreeves x reader#five hargreeves imagine#number five x reader#number five imagine#five x reader#five imagine#tua#tua x reader#tua imagine
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"the curtains weren't blue on purpose. why should we care?"
my love! let me ask you this - did you eat breakfast today? this tiny moment in your life. just think about it. did you?
for some of you, the answer is yes and for some of you it is technically and for some of you it is does coffee count. some of you reached for cereal or gmo-free overnight oats or frozen waffles or 3-day-old pizza. sometimes we eat the same thing, every day, for weeks. i get tired of eggs randomly, only to go back to craving them desperately. i'm cuban; i take my coffee like my father showed me, very milky and sweet.
some of us ate in a hurry. some of us hate eating breakfast but if we don't we will get nauseous later. some of us took our meds first or took our meds after. some of us have a kitchen 5 feet wide and sometimes it's the biggest room in the house. some of us are confident there will be food in the pantry and some of us flinch and say well, the paycheck is coming. some of us turn on a podcast while we eat or we scroll our phones or write in our diaries.
some of us are choosing, specifically, not to eat breakfast. some of us are too busy. some of us are pretending we "just forgot," but we are ignoring the warning signs that everything feels too-heavy. some of us are so consumed with anxiety or grief that we can't eat. some of us can't stand up long enough to make our coffee. some of us have no table to sit down and eat.
i cannot tell you what an artist "meant" by their choices. but they did have to make a choice, conscious or otherwise, to give you information. to give you a little bit more light. each of these choices are little stars of data; connecting speckles for you to weave through, drawing a line.
you cannot use a mirror in a dark room. for some of us; we will not care that the curtains are blue, because that will just be a data point and not enough light to see by. for some of us, the blue curtains will be the same as our childhood bedroom. it will make us seasick. for some of us, blue will be the color of frostbite. it might look like a pixel up close; but from a distance, oh! the picture blooms.
i cannot tell you what will stick out for you. what will carry meaning. some of you will read the sentence "i didn't have breakfast today" and say "this means nothing." some of you will read that and say "oh, me neither." some of you will say "this means the character is probably a little grouchy." some of you will say "oh, i wonder if they're okay. why didn't they eat anything?" ... art is a mirror. i am holding hands with you, over space and time, and asking you to feel something with me.
i want you to read my work and find a blue pair of curtains. i want you to read my work and find things in it that i never imagined placing. i have no way of knowing what will resonate with you, that's true. and maybe i just was hungry while i wrote this, and thinking about the eggs in my fridge. but if you found meaning, that meaning is yours. it cannot be erased just because i didn't "intend" it. you created a different world by interpreting my work. it's collaborative! that's beautiful! that's stunning!
just! imagine looking at the night sky and saying - it's stupid to have a favorite constellation or a favorite star. they're just there.
because here's the thing - across centuries and cultures, we look up. we still find meaning in the stars. these beautiful, lovely scattered accidents. are you looking? they call. and we look back and say oh! of course we are!
#this got away from me#but like#u know#reading is a form of creation#and sometimes the choice that the author makes might SEEM random#but it's like. bro that's telling u something.#also hate the vibe where authors/artists mock their audience for finding meaning in something#nahhhh#if u make art u need to be okay with people finding their own reflection in it
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God what I’d give to be piled up in my aunts bed, in my strawberry shortcake nightgown, staying up way too late watching reruns of The Nanny again
Unplanned rant in tags but I’m leaving it. I’ll probably delete this tomorrow.
#and to eat chocolate chip eggo waffles that’ve been just about drown in whipped cream#it’s late and idk why but i’m in my feels and miss my aunt so much all of the sudden#it’s probably bc my cousin is pregnant and has decided family only matters if it’s all about her now#she thinks she’s even more special now and I think I’m done going to family events where she’s just gonna make me feel like crying for weeks#and I’m stuck here in this house- nearly existing- not living#waiting for my mother to decide it’s my turn to be important enough for things like learning to drive or money for glasses/drs#I’m currently being forced to live out of my goddamn living room bc I don’t have any furniture and we can loan everyone money#and buy them anything they want but we can’t buy our daughter a fucking mattress#I mean my rooms being used as storage anyways bc there’s no space in the garage but sure#go on and tell me the only reason I’m not able to move back into my room is bc you keep forgetting you want to buy some new blinds#i can’t even fucking drive bc I’m not important enough for you to spend time teaching me#and I can’t get a job bc you’re unreliable with driving me and I spend all day tiptoeing around you and your mood swings#but sure my cousin who doesn’t give a shit about anyone gets to just make her entire life about some dude living across the street#that only talked to her bc my aunt died and now she gets to make everything even more about her#and of course by her I mean him bc I mean it when I say she’s made him her ENTIRE personality#girl does have any hobbies or interests outside of him#and yet my mother has decided that she can take off work and help her out with the baby for as long as she needs#meanwhile I’ve been waiting 6 years to learn to drive and have to hold off on sleeping on an actual fucking mattress#bc the majority of my moms time and money goes to helping out cousin#I broke my glasses in December and had to reschedule my optometrist appointment 3 fucking times bc of her#we were supposed to go look for glasses over two months ago but every single one of her days off either goes to my cousin#or she decides that she doesn’t feel like getting out and would rather just do stuff around the house#I mean sure I found an old pair of glasses to wear but they’re from 10 years ago and have given me a permanent fucking headache#but sure I can wait until after the baby shower and the gender reveal and after she’s had the kid for a bit#bc you have to make sure you’re always available to her#I’ve got all the time in the world clearly bc i’m apparently not human#at least I’ve got my cats and chihuahua
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