#i have such a horrible habit of speaking/thinking nothing BUT bad things about myself

[shalom-iamcominghome]

[madlittlecriminal]

Hello! I hope you’re having a great week! I saw your requests were open and it’s the perfect time cause my best friend has just started pointing fingers at me and telling me that I’ve been only talking about myself.

I’ve tried to explain to her that I have a habit of gushing about things I like - as I have ADHD and I am an extrovert - I tend to over share sometimes and she isn’t listening to me. I’ve listened to her before and I’ve tried to listen to her more but she hasn’t reached out to me as much and now it’s making me worry if I did something wrong :( So I may be losing my best friend, I don’t know yet.

Sorry that I put that all on you but I promise it ties with my request.

I was thinking of the reader dating Jaime Reyes and he knows how insecure she is of herself being an extrovert and wanting to share her feelings and excitement with others. And her best friend has started blaming her for not looking out for her best friend and it’s taking a toll on the reader - making her feel like she’s a horrible person.

Khaji Da senses that the reader is feeling down and Jaime confronts her. The reader starts asking Jaime if she’s too much for him to handle and if she’s annoying him. Jaime reminds her everything he loves about her and maybe even shows her through some love making? 😳😳 (only if you’re okay with that).

Also I am 20 by the way in case you want to write smut! Also the emoji I was gonna put down for this request is this little ducky 🦆

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I’m sorry that this is so long, I didn’t know how to shorten it at all without it now making sense. 💜😊

The Listener ➜ Jaime Reyes × Extroverted!Female!Reader

READER HAS ADHD!

im sorry for taking so long to release this! this is obviously through Jaime's eyes (mostly), but as someone who is in Jaime's shoes for this fic (my bf has ADHD), Jaime is kind of self inserted & i apologize. i promise, he still very much Jaime

Warnings: might not be 100% accurate, insecurities, like one joke about him being blue beetle, love bombing because i said so, light smut, praise (?), short

He loved hearing you talk. Not only because he loved the sound of your voice, but because of the light in your eyes when you spoke.

The happiness in your voice was enough to make him feel all warm in fuzzy inside because he he loved seeing you happy. He thought he would catch on when something was wrong, but God, did he feel like crap when he didn't notice it.

You came to see him and your silence was loud...at least to Khaji Da as they were the one who noticed it.

"Jaime, something's wrong with her."

Jaime stopped mid-sentence when he heard the AI's words. He looked over at you and tilted his head to the side. "What's wrong?" He asked as he walked towards you before sitting on the couch next to you.

"Nothing." You gave him a soft smile when your eyes met his, but you can tell he wasn't buying it.

"Tell me, love. What's wrong?"

You exhaled sharply and tugged on the bracelet he gifted you. "Am I annoying?"

He furrowed his brows. "What? Why would you think that?"

"My best friend kind of said I was..."

He clenched his fist on his lap. "Kind of or did she?"

"She did. She said I talk too much and that I was too much for you to handle because I'm extroverted and move around too much."

Jaime snorted and took your hand into his. "Do you have any idea how special you are to me? Listening to you speak is the highlight of my day. Trust me, I look forward to it if it's in person or if it's through the phone. Switch from topics all you want, be as introverted as you please, move around as often as you need. I don't care. It's what makes you you and I love you for it."

You squeezed his hand. "Do you really mean that?"

"Eres mi tesoro. Don't ever forget that, you hear me?" (You're my treasure.)

You gave him a small smile. "She's just been saying it for a while, so I felt bad, y'know?"

"Don't feel bad. I love listening to you. I'm your listener, okay?" He poked your nose, causing you to let out a soft laugh. "There it is. That smile that I love so much."

You felt your cheeks warm up before looking away.

He grabbed your chin softly and shook his head. "No. Don't look away." He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on your lips.

You kissed him back, your arms snaking around his neck as you leaned in closer before sitting on his lap.

His hands rested on your hips before pulling apart from the kiss, peppering small kisses along your jawline, and trailing to your neck.

You tilt your head back to give him more access as your fingers tangle into his hair.

"You're perfect. You'll never be annoying to me. I love every part of you," he whispers against your neck, his hands trailing from your hips to your thighs, and squeezing them gently.

"I love you too, pretty boy."

His eyes met yours, desire written on his face as he gave you a nod. "Your pretty boy."

[attonitos-gloria]

5,10,16,34. Or whatever you feel like answering! Want to hear your thoughts <3

BELOVED COFFEE!!!! <3

5. A dead female character you need to save

I already answered Elia Martell for this and it is Elia, it will always be Elia, but I would save Lyanna too - sorry that this is so predictable, it's just young girls should be allowed to be impulsive and make ill-informed, bad decisions without dying for it. and because at the end of the day I cannot bring myself to like Rhaegar.

10. A quote so good it makes you crazy

OH SO MANY I will give you more than one. Get this lying whore out of my sight and I will give you your confession. I feel like eating drywall every time I think too much about the implications of this one. The things we love destroy us every time is also a great one and then there's Bran with So long as those remained, Winterfell remained. It was not dead, just broken. Like me, I'm not dead either, that still makes me cry to this day.

But nothing hits as hard as It all goes back and back to our mothers and fathers and theirs before them. We are puppets dancing on the strings of those who came before us, and one day our own children will take up our strings and dance in our steads. like the insight he had in this moment. oh my God. he figured it all out.

16. Favorite sibling dynamic

Obviously Jaime/Tyrion/Cersei. I hope they all kill each other horribly at some point. But you know who I also think about a lot? Lyanna and Benjen. Lyanna and Benjen growing up together in Winterfell while Ned and Brandon were fostered away, playing with wooden swords in the godswood; Lyanna and Benjen at the tourney in Harrenhal together, maybe Benjen helping her with the Knight of the Laughing Tree trick - I'm just so sure he helped her. Like he took the black after she died. ): we remember Ned and Brandon going to War for her but it always gets me that Benjen was waiting for her to come back home, and then she didn't. I always thought they must have been very close.

34. What’s something people get wrong about your favorite character?

So, I am thinking about how when Tyrion meets Shae, he hasn't had sex with anyone for a year, and how we are introduced to his character while he's sleepless in Winterfell reading a book and not in a brothel (apparently not a sex addict). and also how he notes that his father keeps silent during council meetings, and so he tries to emulate that habit, of listening before speaking (apparently a person who can and will in fact be quiet during critical moments, councils meetings specifically). And I think about how his first reaction upon finding out Joffrey killed Ned is - I can't believe this, joffrey of all people - to be sympathethic and say 'he's just a boy, when I was his age I was also stupid'. I'm thinking of him arriving at the Lannister camp, surrounded by people - his vassals, Lannister men - and going unnoticed, thinking about how lonely he felt but for a group of savage outliers he bought with his gold on the road and then, in this context of deep, profound loneliness and longing for human connection that could not be found anywhere, he went to Shae for the first time, a woman that he bought with his money, and that he sent Bronn to find for him, another friend he bought. i think a lot about him threatening cersei on alayaya's behalf, too. (one of his best moments, i fear.)

what i'm trying to say, very badly, is that george filled his chapters with so much raw humanity, and a lot of it is brushed away by people going 'tyrion is being self-deprecating/feeling sorry for himself' or 'tyrion is a bad person/a villain/misogynistic/just a rich guy' or, worse, a comic relief, and i just can't understand the awful lack of mercy that he's given compared to similarly horrible men in these books, jaime in particular. it's not that i think people get him completely wrong - he is a villain, after all, sort of a horrible person and indeed he IS a rich mysoginistic guy who feels sorry for himself a lot of the time, but then again, are you even reading the same text i'm reading? aren't we supposed to go through this process with him and..... be able to feel, as readers, at least an ounce of the compassion that he lacks in canon??? isn't that the point of his chapters, my God, or am i missing something crucial here?? it's less about wrong opinions and more....... the total lack of nuance and sympathy that gets me. naturally lots of characters suffer from that fate but with tyrion..... i just take it personally. it IS my life mission to obnoxiously defend tyrion lannister until i die.

but of course you know that already, lol. thank you for letting me vent, i'm sorry for the wall of text. you're great for that. i would also love to hear your thoughts on all of these questions.

everyone should ask me asoiaf questions <3

[honey-on-your-tongue]

All That Could Be

Series masterlist

Part one

Word count: 1.1k

A/N: I don't even know what to say. I've been watching House MD lately and just 😩😩😩 can't help myself. I'm as delulu as it gets.

“I'm getting a divorce.”

That's how Wilson greets you one morning, storming into your office.

You pause, blinking at him. “Why?” you finally ask, the shock still present but slowly wearing off. You can almost hear House saying something about Wilson cheating. “Did you cheat on her?”

Wilson frowns, looking confused and almost offended. “No. Of course I didn't.” He pauses for a moment, almost hesitating before adding, “She did.”

You bite your tongue then. You're not going to lie, Wilson has the bad habit of trying to fix people who are unfixable. His past three wives and House—among thousands of others—are clear proof of that. Still, you don't understand how someone could do that to him. He's as sweet, kind, thoughtful as they come. How do you hurt someone so devoted to helping you in any way he can?

“That...sucks,” you say stupidly.

“Understatement,” he replies, walking past you, towards the couch in your office and plopping down on it, defeated.

“Alright,” you allow, turning to him. “It's a horrible fucking thing that she did to you. But—” You cut yourself off, recognizing this is no time for a lecture, but knowing that making him realize that he falls into the same pattern again and again would probably be easier now that the wound is raw and vulnerable.

“But what?” he asks, glancing up at you.

You sigh softly, sitting beside him. “But maybe...you should ask yourself why this is your third divorce.”

He blinks at you, his brown eyes staring into yours. “Where is this conversation going?”

“Wilson. Three divorces,” you emphasize. “Three wives. What did they all have in common?”

He frowns and asks, “Me?”

You shake your head. “No. All three of them were...well, broken. All three of them had no interest in fixing themselves.” You bite the inside of your cheek, hesitating for a second before finishing your sentence, “And you desperately tried to fix all three of them. Do you see the issue?”

He places his elbows on his knees, pinching the bridge of his nose. He sighs, and your office is suddenly extraordinarily quiet. Like a black hole has sucked all the life from it, and there's nothing else but you and this silent, hurt man beside you.

Finally, he speaks, “Okay.”

You pause. “Okay?” you echo, confused.

He nods. “Yeah, okay. I'm too involved in helping other people even though they don't want to fix themselves and then I'm disappointed when they do exactly what I knew they would.”

You try to help it, you truly do, but by now, psychoanalizing people is almost instinct. You just can't hold back.

“Can you think of a reason as to why you do that?” you ask softly in that soothing, therapist voice.

He glances away from you, staring at the far wall. He's avoiding answering the question by pretending to think of an answer, but you don't call him out on that. You let him take his time.

Eventually, he sighs. “Maybe?”

You nod. “So you've realized that this whole 'fixing other people' thing is a behavior that rises from an issue you may have with yourself?”

He swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing, and he flickers his eyes to yours before looking away again. “Yeah,” he says, his voice strained with emotion.

You nod slowly. “James.” You speak his name softly, carefully, and he finally meets your gaze. “I think that maybe you try to fix other people because you feel that if you can fix them, you'll somehow fix yourself. Do you think I might be right?”

He exhales thickly before rubbing at his eyes with one hand. “You know, uh...can we—can we not do this? Today? Like. I just...” He frowns, chewing on his bottom lip, his eyes glancing around as if looking for the words to appear in your office.

You place a hand on his shoulder. You've known him for years, and you can read him like an open book. “You want friend me, not psychologist me,” you guess, tilting your head a little.

His brown eyes find yours. “Yeah,” he breathes, a soft sound of relief that seems to wash over the room like a tsunami, breaking the tension and leaving the atmosphere feeling lighter. “Yeah.”

You nod. “Alright. She fucking sucks,” you state. “That was absolutely an asshole move. Like—what the fuck?”

He grins slightly. “Thank you.”

You shake your head. “No, no. Don't thank me. Come on, get it off your chest. She's a fucking bitch. How did you find out?”

He sighs. “I didn't. She told me. I mean, shit's been weird at home lately. We were constantly avoiding each other, we'd fight over everything, she was never home and neither was I.” He shrugs. “What else should I have expected?”

“I'm sorry, Wilson,” you tell him honestly. “You deserve so much better.”

He scoffs softly.

You raise your eyebrows. “You don't agree?”

He shakes his head. “No—I mean, yes, I agree, but I don't think I'm gonna find someone different. I seem to keep attracting people who are unfixable.”

You nod, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Take a brake from dating. Just don't let it even cross your mind. Forget about romantic relationships. Focus on yourself. Try and fix yourself and you'll see everything falls into place.”

“Okay,” he says. “Alright.”

You smile gently. “You know I'm here if you want to talk. Or break things. Or get drunk and high or whatever.”

He laughs softly. “I don't really plan on doing those last two but, uh, I appreciate it.”

You nod again. He gets up, walking towards the door. He swings it open and just before he leaves, he turns back to you.

“Just...out of curiosity,” he says. “Um. How would I recognize if I were falling into another unfixable relationship?”

You think on it for a moment. “Well. You'd have to see how you're feeling around that person. And you'd need to recognize that you're desperately trying to help them with things they're not interested in. Also, you have to keep in mind that a relationship goes both ways. You give and give and give, but does the other person do that too? Or is it only you?”

He nods, still not leaving. “And how would I know if I find someone I can have a healthy relationship with?”

“Um. I'm guessing you're not going to feel that eagerness to please them with everything and you'll realize that you're not the only one who gives. And when problems arise, you won't have to solve everything on your own.”

He stands there, still eyeing you, his gaze locked on yours. You get the feeling he wants to say something else, but he doesn't. After a while, he tells you, “Thank you.” And he walks out of your office.

[bogkeep]

you know what. at this point i feel like i'm circling the topic of my trauma like water around a drain. maybe i'll just talk about it.

this is gonna be a personal one.

i was stalked, harassed, and smeared. it was years ago and i'm doing good now, but it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. i've been referring to it as The Trauma for a while, but only recently realised i just straight up have PTSD from it.

i hate that that's what it took to finally understand how to set and hold a boundary. i hate how much better my internet habits are now, because of that. i hate that the way to keep myself safe and at peace was to never, ever speak a word of it in public lest it be used against me, and that i'm still scared of it. but what more can they do to me? they've already tried it all, and i'm still here, and the ground can't collapse under my feet anymore.

the long and messy buildup to a break up with a friend was horrible enough, but it probably wouldn't have scarred me as badly if i hadn't been stalked for well over a year afterwards. i say stalking even if it was all online, a whole ocean apart - they made themself present in every space i frequented, and i've become intimately familiar with the blocking and blacklisting systems on every platform i'm on. they tried to get to me through my roommates and my irl friends. it's difficult to fully describe how cornered i felt even in the vast infinity of the fucking internet. i regret nothing, though. cutting them off was my last resort and the best thing i ever did. i'd do it again a million times - i kind of had to, since it was less akin to severing a string and more like having to behead an eel in a bathtub full of oil that also happened to be a hydra.

i had no control over the narrative other than whatever trust my friends had in me, and i lost quite a lot of friends. (i saw one of them block me in real time.) there was this absolute helplessness of it, because what could i possibly do or say to prove that i was not a cruel or unsafe person to be around? i've never held it against them.

(i wonder, sometimes. do they ever think of me? do they shrug and move on?)

it felt so stupid, really, to feel this anxious about my reputation. oh, no!! not my precious reputation!!!!!!!! but it's

well

how do you recover your reputation? on the internet? it's such an easy thing to ruin, and it was deeply shameful to realise how easily i've swallowed the same bait myself, so many times before. never about friends, i think, but, y'know. can't fault anyone for wanting to stay safe, be it from Supposedly Skeevy Creators or the panopticon.

the worst part was how my own mind felt like wet, crumpled up paper, constantly doubting my own reality of who i am. how do i know i'm not cruel? how do i know i'm safe to be around? what if i was extorting and manipulating the masses, even if that was not my conscious intention? it took a long time to be able to do or say something nice again without intrusive thoughts flooding my brain.

i think i always knew somewhere inside of me that no, of course i'm not an evil mastermind, that's a very silly thought. i don't even believe in evil. but it's like - if i had done something wrong, then at least it would be something i could change about myself. if it was my fault, then it was within my control.

the longer it went on, the easier it was to convince myself that i didn't deserve this. yes, even if i had done... whatever it was i had supposedly done that was so deserving of punishment, i felt like nobody deserved this much punishment. like, it was a truly excessive amount of punishment, going on far beyond the point of contructivity - i wasn't doing anything. i wasn't doing anything to begin with, and whatever it was that i had been doing, i had stopped now! there were only two remaining explanations of my Crimes:

my mere existence was bad, and i would have to completely erase myself from the internet. - no, i was not so far gone as to believe that.

cutting off my friend was the most heinous act of mental violence ever enacted. - no, i did not believe that either. i wasn't super good at boundaries but i've always been a strong believer that relationships are not mandatory. - well i definitely didn't want to be their friend anymore now, and from the sounds of it, i couldn't imagine them wanting to be friends with me anymore either. - should i have ended it differently? could i have ended it differently? i had flattened myself trying to be as kind and understanding and soft and compassionate as i could be, desperately so, but that hadn't saved me. (i remember my mother asking, "but did you make it clear to them that you love them?" when i explained why i wanted to see a therapist again.) maybe if i had just blocked them without preamble on day one.

i had no choice but to accept the sheer injustice of what was being done to me.

regaining my sanity was a bit of a process. i'm very thankful for my friends. (i'm not thankful for the therapy rejection letter telling me i wasn't depressed enough to qualify. it took me a while to get an actual therapist that wasn't a tarot deck.)

i hesitate to call myself lucky, but i was. even with every paranoid prediction and worst fear coming true, i outlasted them. yes sure i sometimes cried uncontrollably to the point i got sent home from work once, yes i lost weight because i was too nauseous from the stress to eat properly, yes i had nightmares about them and yes i would have physical trauma reactions every time i saw their name written anywhere even though it belonged to completely different people, yes, yes - i fucking survived all of that. i had solid foundations to stand on.

even in the forest fire of my social circles i had an incredible, wonderful support network. i feel much more secure in myself and my relationships now. i've learnt so many things - about trauma, about boundaries, about healing, about friendship, about the internet, but at what fucking cost!!!!! my pain shouldn't have been rewarding. it's a cautionary tale about how trying to be soft enough for everyone to step on inevitably leads to hurt, and yet! how fucking dare i come out better for it!

maybe this is no tale and there is no 'better'. it's a painful chapter of my life but i am not a book. i'm a real person of flesh and blood in a confusing reality where people struggle and do their best.

i can't explain why, exactly, i'm sharing this today. it's not all of it, far from it, but i think it explains well enough where i write my blogposts from. maybe i'm hoping it will help someone else. maybe i'm just ready to own my own story loudly. i'm tired of looking over my own shoulder.

thank you for reading, if you did.

[marshmallowprotection]

I'm super timid and when I saw that cg where MC kisses Ray full on I was like O.O because it was so BOLD and aaaaaaa

I would never be like that XD...;;;;

I'm super shy, I'm seriously just as timid as Ray is ;;;;

I wouldn't feel confident at all if there was any chance or situation where kissing him was even possible...or to even think of doing it -

....

Would Ray...ever be able to build up the confidence to kiss...me? ;;;;

(Sae)Ray is just...the loveliest man to me for some reason

He's kind and compassionate, he's sensitive and caring

You just know he'd be so...devoted.

I'm so awful at verbalising my feelings...any feeling at all. I don't think I'd even be able to tell him I like him XD

I'm so shy that I have a habit of just...staring, instead of speaking. Not in a weird way, I'd just tend to gaze because I'm so shy to speak.

If it was Ray

I think the best I could do to express myself would be to softly...look at him

And I'd probably smile like a silly

Because it's Ray

>///<

I don't think I'd feel confident enough to hold his hand and doesn't he say he's nervous about that too?

Raaayy

Would we ever be able to share even just a little kiss?

I mean, it's not impossible. The only reason you wind up taking the initiative during the game is the fact that he is beating himself up. He becomes very confident when he is able to succeed, and those are the moments when he grabs you by the hand and pulls you around the way he dreams of.

It's not that he's afraid to do so, God knows he wants to do all kinds of romantic things with you, it's just that he's insecure about what could go wrong if you don't want his touches in any way.

He gets caught up in his fears and emotions when it comes down to it. That's simple for him. It's always been like that. It's not that he isn't confident, it's just that he struggles to feel as though he's allowed to have the things that he wants.

He's never been allowed to have anything that he wants until he met you, so you can imagine that his feelings are all over the place. Even on a good day. Especially on the bad days. All he does is think about the good and the bad. There's a lot more horrible things in his heart than there are good. He knows fear better than anything else. He's afraid of doing the wrong thing even though he's dreamed over a hundred times and thought of every scenario possible that could go right or wrong.

But, that's just how intrusive thoughts come to be in the first place.

It doesn't matter if it is based in reality or not, you're going to feel afraid of your fears or things that your brain conjures up.

So, it's nothing you're doing wrong in this situation or that he is doing wrong. He just needs to work through his fears... But, in doing so, what he needs to know is that you're not going to be able to take that initiative. The only moments when he is able to become powerful and confident is when he has succeeded in total victory against the people he's fighting against, or when he feels as though he needs to be forceful with you so that you can lean on him.

If you're not going to be able to make the first move, then sooner or later, he's going to make it for you. Look no further than the things that happen in V's Route. He was more than willing to give you the elixir to save you in his eyes and there was nothing that could have stopped him if it wasn't for the fact that the situation grew out of his control.

Remember the way he refused to let you go? The way he pulled you into his arms until it felt like your hand was going to ache for hours?

As long as he has a say in what's going on around him, he's going to make it happen. So, if you're the kind of person that meekly agrees to everything, then he's going to be the one who takes charge. It may seem preposterous given the fact that he seems as though he lacks any confidence, but he gains it when he realizes he can fully possess you the way he wants.

More than anything, he wants you. If there is a threat of something that's going to take you away from him, that's going to boost his confidence. It isn't a stretch of the imagination to say that he would become bolder the more he realizes that you do like him and you want everything from him.

Give it some time. He'll figure it out... and then, you'll be swept into his arms with confidence. He wants to be that man for you... and by God, he's going to be that man for you. He'll hold your face in his hands and whisper sweet nothings... just like in his imagination all this time.

[princesspuffle8]

Tom Riddle Fanfiction?

So this is a prelude story that I thought of and I wanna know what you guys think? Yes Tom Riddle is a horrible man and a horrible person, but I love what if scenarios and what if things were different so I wrote this as a prelude to a story. Its not a self insert but let me know if you guys think it should be. My writing is a bit rusty so be kind, that being said let me know what you guys think. Do you think I should continue this series? Or would you like a more insight into the main characters (since Tom isnt the only star of this show)? Without further ado here is the fanfiction:

It’s been years since my defeat as the dark lord, of lord Voldemort and time has moved greatly in the mortal plain but has stayed stagnant here. I have come to know that the place that I reside in is purgatory and even after my sentence in purgatory, I will probably not be seeing the pearly gates anytime soon. Which was expected in a way after all I did. From here I have watched generations come and pass, each boarding the train in the afterlife moving on to a new plane of existence… a new beginning. Except for me, forever stuck in purgatory for the sins of violating the natural order. A fragmented existence who found its dwelling underneath a bench in the realm of the dead.

“Found you,” a girl sang as she peaked under the bench and she stared at me with solemn eyes that seemed to pierce what was left of my conscious. It was a pitiful look, the look of someone who pitied me, the man who had lost everything and all that remained was this grotesque degrading child-like figure, a husk of the great wizard I was, a shell meant to remain trapped in purgatory for my sins.  

“Go away,” I needlessly thought as I managed to hiss at her as if I couldn't speak and had become a feral being. Despite dying and splitting my soul to the point where it may or may not have existed at all, I still managed to keep my intellect from my previous life. Everything I knew about magic, everything I knew about the known mortal world was intact. Which in a way was a punishment on its own, after all why does having knowledge even matter when you're trapped in the land of the damned with no respite, knowledge means nothing here… words mean nothing here… not for the damned at least. 

And in spite of this treatment, the young girl, who looked no older than say the mere age of nine, sat on top of the bench and ignored my complaints, as if I did not exist and wasn't curled up beneath this bench. The nerve! Can’t she see that this place is being occupied! Doesn’t she have a train to catch… the train in the afterlife that leads to who knows where but anywhere would be better than her lounging around here.

“You know I’ve been looking for you for a long time now. Do you remember me,” she asked me, as I watched her legs swing back and forth without a care in the world. Ah to be young and naive.

“If you have nothing better to do than to pester an old man in pain, then leave,” I stressed my voice coming off as hoarse and not at all intimating like I would have liked it to be. 

“Geez you never got rid of that bad habit of tellin’ people what to do, did you?”

“What an impertinent brat. Do you know who I am?! I am the great dark lord, the Lord Volde…” 

“I know who you are. The others told me such sad stories about what you did, I know exactly who you are. And yet I had to see if it was true for myself because my Tommy could never… would never do such horrible things to others… not without a just reason,” she responded as my words got caught in my throat. There were very few people who knew that my given birth name was Tom, the muggle name that I loathed and discarded. There were even less people who knew the nicknames that I had growing up, as all of them had passed away early on and none of my followers would even dare to call me out of my title. 

“Who… who are you,” I asked, the thought escaping my mouth before could bite me tongue and swallow the intruding thought whole. I didn't want to know. I didn't need to know who they were, I just needed them to leave. To let me suffer my punishment in peace and isolation, to not see me for what I really was.

“You really don’t remember who I am, Tommy,” she sang again in that teasing voice that pulled on the recesses of memories that I had buried deep deep down in my conscious, so deep that I had forgotten that they were there, or so I thought. 

“Please… just leave…”

“Over the King’s dead body, I finally found you so I think Imma stay right here, I’ve waited a long time after all,” she said as her legs stopped swinging and the air around her changed from playful to serious, “You know I cant say that I’m not mad or not disappointed in you, you’re so much better than that… or least you could have been. And while that’s all in the past and water under the bridge, over the years I’ve come to realize that it must have been too painful for you to bear, my leaving that is. So what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry I left you so soon, Tommy.”

A moment of silence swallowed us as the realization of who she was hit me square on like a dump truck and I could feel the husk of this stomach drop. She was the last person I wanted to see. Gritting my teeth, I doubled down on trying to get her to leave. After all if she knew what was good for her… no good for both of us, she would leave immediately. 

“Don’t call me that.”

“What? Your name? You’ll always be Tommy to me…”

“Don’t call me that! That’s not my name! That person… that child is long dead… he died when you,” I nearly shouted unable to finish my sentence as a spurt of energy coursed through this husk of burnt skeletal body and I grabbed her ankle, sinking my long unnatural nails in her mahogany skin, deep enough to draw blood from if we weren't both already in the afterlife. 

“Ah so you do remember who I am, Tommy.”

“Please… I’m begging you… leave,” I protested, my hoarse voice barely above a whisper as I let go of her ankle and shrink further underneath the bench. Of all the people to find me in the after life and to visit me, it had to be her. Anyone, anyone at all would have been better than it being her, why did it have to be her. 

“I’m not goin anywhere so soon, so stop yappin about pointless things, its annoying,” I heard her huff as I watched her get up from the bench and get down on her knees only to stare at me in the eyes once again. My deep brown ones looking at her green hazel ones with little gold flecks in them, the irises of the one person I didn't want to see me like this no matter what.

“Geez you look absolutely horrid.”

“Am I supposed to thank you? If I look so repulsive then le…”

“But your eyes are still the same. The brown eyes that I love. Say, do you remember when we used to run around London and do all those gigs around town. You, me, Saoirse, Baron, Clyde, and Mildred; the six of us would rule the streets of London and…”

“Are you here to torment me,” I asked in earnest, didn’t the gods think I suffered enough, if there was any god out there why would they send her to me, why now of all times. 

“Do our shared memories pain you that much,” she asked me as if she didn't already know. Of course they pained me, her very existence being here pained me, she was my one flaw… the chink in my armor that I never let show. The memories, both the good and the bad, were all coming back as if they were seared into my very soul… which ironically I guess they were since that was all that was left of me at this point. 

“I see… that's unfortunate. Say, if you could turn back time what would you do?”

“I’m dead. You’re dead. It doesn't matter what I would do even if I could turn back time,” I scoffed at the idea. Did she think I hadn't thought of that when I was alive? The consequences were too great, the most any wizard ever achieved in turning back time was a couple days or months and even then that was at the cost of their mental sanity and they were never the same again. 

“Entertain me then since we are both dead and not going anywhere soon, what would you do if you could turn back time,” she asked again daring me to answer. 

Frowning, I opened my mouth to attempt to explain to the child that I would correct my mistakes in the magical world. Build a bigger following with a bigger backing. Eliminate the threats like Dumbledore early on, perfect the horcruxes and choose ones which were harder to detect, I would achieve my dream of a perfect pure blood magical world! I began to say all those things, but it all fell silent on my lips as I looked into her eyes. Her eyes with the shimmering flecks of gold that used to twinkle in the dark nights of the orphanage when we were starving and there was nothing to eat but scraps of moldy bread and weeds we found in the outskirts of town or at the parks. Her eyes that lit up when we sang merry songs to distract us from our stinging fingers that were exposed to the frigid cold while the six of us huddled together for warmth. Her eyes that were tear stained as she took her last breath and died in my arms. Looking into her eyes, I felt my ambitions die as I remembered why I had turned to the dark arts in the first place. It was for them, the three who shouldn’t have died, I wanted to bring them back… to have them back with me. 

“Tommy?”

“If I could turn back time, I would save you. All of you, you wouldn't have had to die like you all did. I would find a way to prevent it and then we could all be together again, just like before…” I trailed off. It was a naive wishful thinking of a child, the child I long thought I had killed and buried but here they were, confessing my true desires to someone I never thought I would see again. 

“All six of us together again, I like the sound of that. It sounds like a good dream Tommy.”

“Heh, yeah… a dream…”

It all started with that dream, huh. How did it get so distorted… where did it go all wrong?! Was it because they were muggles? Or was it my fault since I had magic and they didn’t. If they had magic too would we have all been able to be happy together? As these questions began to flow into my subconscious mind, I heard the sounds of the train horn honking as if it was coming closer to where the bench lied. 

Ah, someone else must be coming to be picked up to move on to wherever they go in the afterlife, I inwardly noted feeling a bit bitter and resentful that I couldn't get on that train and see what was beyond the confines of living like a troll under a bridge. 

“Hearing that makes me really happy Tommy. It proves that I was right all along and that my Tommy is still in there, despite all that happened,” she said to me as I watched her sigh in relief and take something out of her pocket that she placed in front of me. A small red bud of some type of flower was land down in front of me, as if she was asking me to make it bloom like I used to do when we were younger… even though I could no longer use my magic anymore, not here in this place at least. 

“What’s this?”

“A gift from the others and me. They wanted to come too but I wanted to deliver it alone personally… I have to go back now, the train is about to leave.”

“Please stay,” I found myself saying without a second thought as she gave me a sad smile but stood up nonetheless. 

“What is this, after all that cursing at me to leave you alone, you’ve finally admitted your true feelings Tommy,” she said trying to sound playful even though it was clear that her voice strained as if she was holding back tears as I dragged my injured body which housed my damaged soul out from under the bench to see her walking away from me, her back facing the train as she did so, watching me as she took a step and then another and another away from the bench which I had laid.

“I was wrong! I didn't mean it, I’ll be honest now so please don't go!”

“If I could stay, I would… but I cant. You’ll have to decide what you want to do from here on out, Tom Riddle. I hope you choose more wisely this time, because there wont be a second chance,” she said, all playfulness gone from her voice as she turned her back towards me and began to board the train. 

“No! Don’t leave me again… I don't want to be alone again… please. I’ll do anything so please don't leave me again… please,” I pleaded even though I knew it was no use, the train she had boarded was already taking off from the misty afterlife kings cross station, leaving me behind as usual. Only this time things were different, this time she was in that train as well. Traveling far far away from me once again, leaving me behind as always. 

Scuttling back to under the bench, I spotted the red flower bud that she left behind and honestly felt the urge to chuck it. What was the use of coming to visit if you’re gonna leave your garbage behind, the thought reverberated in the back of my head as I reached my hand towards the bud and touched the tip of the lower. Which almost immediately bloomed upon contact into a beautiful red lotus, a symbol of love. Only in this case it was a love that would I had lost so many years ago.

“You always did love irony didn't you, Iola…”  mumbled as I stared at the multi petal flower, only to notice too late that it was glowing and releasing some type of magic. Not that I could do anything since this place restricted my magic, the only thing I could do was just watch as the light engulfed me and my conscious faded once more. 

[hotforharrison]

Hi! I want to hug you so bad! 

(If anything, English is not my first language, but I hope it will be understandable, everything I write with the help of a translator).

Good for you for speaking up! You don't have to keep all the pain inside. It only hurts us more and also the feelings in our heads keep pressing on us even longer. I'll be honest! I have always been overweight myself. I'm not good with English weight meanings, but google says 200 pounds fits what I mean. And I weighed that in my teenage years because of family and school problems. I thought I could never change. I thought really horrible things. I really thought that death was the best way out. I might have weighed more, but at some point I stopped getting on the scale. I wish I could say that something universal helped me in the end, something that could help you quickly too! But it was more of a moment of acceptance. I realized that I was hurting myself. That all these thoughts were ruining me. I wanted to be happy and healthy! And you know what? You're realizing it, too, and that's a huge step forward. And the important thing is to remember that. There will be good days and there will be bad days. That's normal! But gradually things will change. It took me a couple of years to lose the weight, and it took me a few more years to figure out a little bit about myself and my problems, including my food problems. And maybe the help of a psychologist is what you need most right now.

It's also important for you to recover from injury and surgery. This will take even more time. But don't berate yourself and your body! It's a lot of stress for him and trust me! He's working very hard to recover. And you should be grateful to your body. One day things will go faster. You'll see! Just give yourself time. I know you want the best here and now, but when we've been eating and hurting ourselves for years at first without realizing it, and wanting to fix things quickly isn't going to work. 

And about your husband. Honey, I'm probably not the best person to help you with that, and I'm sorry. I can imagine how hard it is, being together for so many years and in an open marriage, but still at some point to realize that you are not so important anymore. I'm really sorry, honey. I think you're realizing it yourself and you know what will happen in the end. Again, it's the realization and acceptance that counts. It's going to hurt, darling. But time heals everything. Your attachment to your husband now is more a fact of your habit and the bargaining constancy you're used to. And change is always stressful. But whatever happens in the end, everything will be all right. You're going to get through this! And you will achieve your goals. Step by step, everything will be fine. You can do it, I believe in you ❤️

Thank you so much!

Your words are completely understandable and clear! I wouldn't have guessed your first language wasn't English.

I don't keep them completely inside. I do talk to my bestie about all these things (I met her on Tumblr over 4 years ago, and she's the best -- @skymoonandstardust )

I also have a counselor who I talk to, including about my disordered eating and relationship with food, but I've had some trouble getting sessions with her over the past couple of months. She's always booked pretty far out, and the last few sessions have been canceled due to the counseling center scheduling an appointment wrong (seeing both the marriage counselor and my solo session on the same day, which no one mentioned most insurances won't allow), then a massive power outage, then severe weather, then she had a family emergency and had to reschedule her appointments a few more weeks out. I hopefully have another session on Monday, if nothing happens to cancel it.

I'm sorry you went through all that with your weight and mental health issues, but I'm so glad you were able to work through it and that things got better for you! Being happy and healthy is so important.

I lost a lot of weight (around 80 lbs) my first year of college when I was 19. I was very active, both walking everyday and hitting the gym at least 3-4 times a week. I didn't count calories, but I did eat sensibly. The only problem with that was that the weight loss was entirely for my first... partner, I guess I could call him. It was a really messed up situation. I moved to be with him, minus all the weight. He hadn't seen me in a year, and he didn't comment on my weight loss at all. That hurt a lot after I worked so hard.

I'm losing the weight for me this time -- a good portion of which is for my health.

I had to do a pre-op complete metabolic panel for my ankle surgery back in January. There's a range in fasting blood sugar levels that indicates prediabetes, and I was 1 into that threshold, out of I think 26 -- something like 101 when the range was 100-126. Diabetes runs in my family, and a genetic test I had done several years ago indicated I was much more likely to develop type 2 diabetes than the average person.

There is the dating component, too, but the weight loss isn't for my future boyfriend (hopefully) so he'll think I'm hot or whatever. It's so I can be comfortable in my own skin. I'm obviously not going to be ready for a relationship if I don't want to be naked in front of anyone else because of my own intense insecurities.

I've also amassed a box full of clothes in my goal clothing size that I bought on clearance that I'd very much like to wear. I used to wear men's fandom shirts, like Marvel, and men's athletic pants pretty much exclusively. I felt terrible about myself, and it reflected in my appearance. I learned over some time that I feel much better about myself when I dress in feminine clothes that make me feel pretty, which I do also have in my current size.

I know didn't gain all the weight overnight, and I'm not going to lose it overnight either as much as I'd like to. Patience is definitely difficult with as much as I want to meet my goals, but I know it is important. I'm not going to help future me at all if I rush things and don't allow my body to heal like it needs to. I'm going to begrudgingly listen to my doctor and physical therapist and not push things.

The prospect of divorce is particularly hard for me because my husband was my first boyfriend, first legitimate actual relationship where I wasn't a dirty little secret. He's been my only real relationship, and the only person I've ever loved romantically.

I had a "boyfriend" in 2016 when we hadn't been polyamorous for long, but I use the term "boyfriend" loosely. The relationship was very short lived and more wishful thinking on my part because of being new to polyamory and wanting to have a boyfriend in the general sense of having one. We weren't very compatible. He was just the first guy who showed interest in me, and I went with that.

I know salvaging my marriage is likely the same sort of wishful thinking as well, and I realize that more some times than others, but I'm not ready to completely give up yet. It hurts too much right now. Just thinking about it leaves me in tears.

I think it's part of why I've been writing one of my fics again -- to escape from the reality of my marriage and imagine being in love again, when my heart fluttered and was full of joy and there were shared smiles and laughter and inside jokes and nothing was forced, instead of this aching in my chest with what I desperately wish was a premature sense of loss and grief, and profound loneliness that doesn't go away even when we're together, and trying to somehow recapture what used to be there between us when I just don't know how to accomplish that, and the only thing that seems to be left now is denial and a stream of tears that never fully dries up.

[itsfuckinganne]

a better update

it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson. a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.  I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space. therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself. it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino* 

anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it. I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie. I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better). I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year. I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal. at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated. the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue. it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore. I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible. also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase. I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on. 2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better. 2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us. ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya

my fit 2day

goodnight

happy new year

[eggie-o]

HIHIHIHI!

(some of this info might be out of date or not yet in date)

i’m blue or alex, either works so does egg/eggie/eggieo

i’m trans! the best way i’ve found do define my gender is dyke/butch lesbian! my sexuality is complicated and really not important to me to define beyond lesbian but i can assure you i will date whatever strikes my fancy! i am poly and ace!

i use he/him pronouns rn! idk if that will stay! nothing is forever everything is slowly changing!

i mostly rb things, i think i tag people in stuff a lot sorry not sorry ask me to stop if you hate it (tagging you not tagging other people if you don’t like me tagging other people fuk off u prep)

i’m a minor! i’m disabled! both physically and mentally! i post a lot about The Symptoms!

I have a horrible memory! i probably repeat myself a lot! i reallt don’t care, no need to tell me!

i cannot see shit! anything like that sparkly text i can’t read, i have a really hard time reading screenshots from the “gothic rave” or whatever the purple on black theme is! also get reallt bad migraines, flashing lights are not my freind!

most of my original posts are vent posts or musings or stories or whatever floats across my mind-space! unless tagged otherwise, feel free to rb anything!

i make a lot of typos! i reallt don’t care! if you need clarification on something just ask!

i’ve recently decided i reallt like explanation points!

orginizational tags:

he speaks- original posts

pls don’t rb- don’t reblog please <3 if you have something to say feel free to add it in the replys tho!

sailing shit- stuff related to sailing!

techie times- stuff related to thearter tech/runcrew/stagehandness

vent- vent posts, feel free to blacklist or whatever i’m just screaming into the void!

The Curses- Symptoms posting.

many thoughts- just thikin. idk. i’ll figure it out!

there’s s a few other ones just for me too.

i try to tag for unreality, i might miss some things tho! i do tag anything that i would find upsetting when The Curse takes full affect so. that’s that ig.

i don’t tag for image descriptions! i need to ive been meaning too but i’m very low on spoons i am trying o get into the habit of it!

if your upset by words like queer, faggot, tranny, dyke, i’d recommend not following! they are some of my favorite things!

i ramble a lot, i’m sure you’ve noticed, but thank you for checking out my blog!

[kitzenvoncatzen]

"Lucky for one of you, he never actually appointed a successor!! That means one of you gets to be the next one! I think..."

"Is that how it works?" Shouts a random villager.

"We don't really know. This is the first time this has actually happened and this was the best solution we could think of."

"How did he die?" "When did he die?"

"Well, he, um... We don't actually know. We just found his heart just sitting on the throne just half a moon ago, which means someone killed him, we think. That's how it works usually."

Silence, not even whispers are heard from the crowd of villagers. There are legends of people taking the place of gods, naturally, by consuming the heart of the one they wish to replace. This requires killing them, but this had different motivation, clearly.

"So, uhh..." The childlike voice, Yori, despite the telepathy, speaks with a very clearly shaky voice, "Whoever decides to, uh, investigate this, gets to be the next Decceo."

The villagers recognize the name, realizing that the one to step up would basically just be the god of their village, as well as harvest and whatnot. Decceo previously had been truly benevolent, especially to their village, and that is something that they would clearly want to continue. The person that needs to step up needs to be a good person, as well as not be scared of being murdered the same way. Not the most common thing.

Somehow, no one volunteers. Probably a good sign, but someone is still needed.

"Please, someone...?" Yori just sounds tired, rather than actually distraught. It is fear that prevents anyone from stepping up. "You were his favorite village, he spent the most time here, and I know for certain that you all are good. Good people. He loved you, not for nothing. And he made you perfect."

Still, no one wants to. They are scared. This sounds like the job of a legendary hero, not one of the farmers or bakers.

Doesn't anyone have any ambition? Is it going to be me? The one who is probably the most undeserving of the role? I don't mean because I doubt myself, or my skills, no. I am just a bad person. Likely my only redeeming quality is that I know that I am bad, which is the first step to fixing it. I have suffered very little in my life. My parents are the leaders of the town. I almost always get what I want, and I'm tired of it.

And I know that I can improve, this seems like a good opportunity to learn how to be a good person.

I want to be a good person.

So I stand tall, and shout,

"I'll do it!"

"Are you sure? It's an irreversible decision..." Yori warns me, reasonable warning.

"Yes." I walk forward, the crowd splitting around me. I get a weird look from some people.

"Y-Ok. Just step up to the pedestal, I can bring you up here if you truly think you're ready."

I step onto the pedestal,

And bright light surrounds me,

And the world disappears.

I think to myself, I remember the stories of powerful people from across the lands, and think about the legendary heroes, and I know that is not what I want to be. I don't want to cause wars, I don't want to fight in them. I am on my way to become what I want to be.

A god.

But I fear being corrupted by power. Maybe it is that fear that could prevent me from being corrupted? I already have been corrupted by less power. I treat people horribly already, a habit I cannot break.

I can figure it out. I deserve nothing, and I know that, but I get everything. I know it's unfair. And I feel bad about it. I don't want to be hated because I'm better off than others, so I will do what I can to fix that.

I don't know where I learned to feel bad.

I hope to learn how to make others feel better.

[ I spent like 15 minutes making sure Decceo and Yori aren't slurs or anything so I'm gonna be really angry if they actually are.

I'm pronouncing it "Deh-kay-oh". Because why not.

This seems like the kind of thing that would be perfect to turn into a full book. Maybe I will

Murder mystery with a character that feels bad for being rich, basically. With gods.

Maybe if I do make it you'll eventually find out what their name was before they became a god. ]

as you bring a sample of your crops to the temple of the harvest god, you and everyone nearby suddenly hear a telepathic childlike voice “um, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but your god kind of died…”

[rainswept]

An interesting proposition. Well then. That's the caveat when it comes to some tricks isn't it? You learn how and the power from the trick is taken. But for other tricks, you can learn the mechanics behind it, but you still can get affected by it. It's why movies work so well, even when you know they're fake. You can know the mechanics behind making a movie, but you can still be affected by it.

I guess I should call it a blessing that Forget-Me-Not has not chosen to pry into your affairs.

Though based on the conversation, it seems like you're more strangers than actual partners.

But I digress.

I don't dispute how horrible humanity can be. But you seem to be under the understandable mistaken assumption that they're trying to save people.

Tell me, what benefit would an organization like Manus Vindictae get from saving someone like you and me? Ordinary humans? Our eternal gratitude? To assume that they would be satisfied by platitudes like that would be a mistake.

No, to get 'saved by them', i imagine you have to be special. You have to be of use to them in some way.

Every organization has goals they want to achieve. Every move you do, especially major ones, have to be in furtherance of that goal.

Since you seem to be a believer of the ends justify the means, what makes them different to every other organization that wants to cause a mass extinction of some kind?

Hm. Not a bad hand.

Hit.

perhaps, but it’s easier to console yourself when you see a death on-screen than before your very eyes, no? don’t you think if the manus vindictae were truly killing in cold blood, i’d know? i would, and i wouldn’t stand for it. i wouldn’t make much of a difference regardless, but i would not be so close to someone apart of something so horrid.

strangers? no, not at all. perhaps you simply don’t understand, or maybe we just don’t want you “prying” into our life. it’s hard to explain.

so perhaps i am special to them — what then? is that a bad thing to you? perhaps you are simply worried you won’t be included in those that are free of the “pernicious habit” of this era? if that’s the case, i’m afraid i’m unsure about myself, too.

but they don’t want to cause a mass extinction, though, do they? they’re trying to stop it. if they wanted everyone dead, they could simply let the storm take them, right? isn’t this better than nothing at all?

question: how do you not know i am lying about my hand, and vice versa? i don’t even know who you are, and we’re speaking through what is essentially a string of letters — either of us could pretend we had a good one. no one is being dealt any cards at all.. so how does this work?

[le-ciel-estbleu]

i'm so broken. so alone.

he has taken everything from me, and given nothing back. he thinks a few good days of good behavior erases all the bad. he thinks if he acts and plays the part of the good boy, i'll give him whatever it is he feels he needs at the time. placating him. i don't want to live like this anymore. i can't live like this anymore. tormented, waiting for the next horrible thing he does. he thinks i speak bad about him? i beat him? i'm mean? after everything i have done for him, everything i keep doing. i try to get away from him, relegate myself to the bedroom once again even though i'm paying for everything in the apartment, then he comes and barges in and demands i give him HIS vodka. i shouldn't have bought it in the first place. all i keep doing is fueling his fire.

i'm done doing so. i won't submit to this ridicule, this horrible treatment any longer. i have no idea what to do, no option other than to pay rent, but i don't think i will do this anymore. i won't help him. i won't be the aid that indulges in his habits when he only treats me like garbage afterwards. then asks what he did, and how was he mean? how did he treat me like shit? short term memory loss if you ask me.

i am so fucking sad. fuck all of this.

[kgescoba]

I’ve been on and off with my physical and mental health for years. And its more and more frustrating each time. I am tired, tired, and tired off my bullshit. This first half of the year has also been one of the worst for me. I’m kinda tired of just wallowing in my own pity tbh. Feeling bad and horrible about myself and then doing fucking nothings. I’m ridiculous for that honestly. But it changes today. I can’t keep this pity party going. I’ve always been so good at everything else like academics, cleanliness, responsibilities but for some reason I’m always my last priority when I should be my top priority.

My friends and I are going in a trip in January 2024 hopefully and I’ve set my first few goals to hopefully be completed by that time. Since its August, that gives me roughly 6 months to get shit done which I believe is a decent amount of time to get many things in order if I stay consistent and disciplined.

Honestly speaking many of my goals are for superficial reasons but they are also for my health. I think goals can be for both reasons and people shouldn’t feel bad if their goals are just because they wanna look better honestly. If you’re bettering yourself in anyway and its for you then i always so go for it but sometimes the internet can be very judgmental sadly. I believe in my goals and that they will better me in many ways. I’m going to do everything in my strength to manifest them and make sure they come to life.

So what are my goals? Well theres many and in different points of my life.

First off, and my most important is mental health/selfcare. I have been having the worst year and part of that is my own depression and self-pity. I need to work on that very much. While theres no specific goal for this one per say, I want to take a bit of time everyday to help myself relax and soften my mood. This could be done in many different ways. Some of the things I plan to do is to do morning yoga/pilates, daily diary entrees in my journal, 30 or more minutes of daily readings, and hot girl walks. Also, my other goals will likely also help my mental well-being too which is a plus. Mostly tho, I know I will be in a better place mentally by the time we go on our trip. I also plan on being on social media a lot less. Comparing myself to others in different positions as me is not beneficial to me and the way I see myself. I’m opting to use social media that I feel helps me more and that would be my Pinterest, lemon8, my ipad tiktok acct, and this tumblr. I’m setting limits and getting off anytime i feel overwhelmed.

Next goal is ofc more physical health/activity. My goodness am I not well in this category. I lose breathe by walking up like three steps and it is honestly so embarrassing to me. I am young and I should not be this tired at my age. My specific goal in this aspect is that I will lose 30 lbs by the time of my trip with my friends. I know that the time frame I have set for myself is more than enough. To attain this goal I will be obviously being more physical. I have decided that I will be going to the gym 4 times a week and do cardio everyday. Ofc I will have rest days but I still plan on going on walks or doing a bit of jump rope those days. I will be weight lifting too. It is not going to be an like weightlifting weightlifting but I do believe it does help greatly in a weight loss journey. Next, I will also be changing my eating habits. While I don’t eat “bad” food, i do have bad eating habits. I miss meals or only eat once a day, or drink coffee for breakfast. I also don’t drink enough water. For me, the best way to help myself here is by cooking more at home and actually having lunches or breakfast ready for me to grab and go. I hate calorie counting so I will not be doing that as I feel it sets me back most of the time. But I will be eating intuitively, making sure i add more veggies and stop buying so much takeout. I do like planning my meals as well and I love grocery shopping.

Moving on, next goal is working on my financial things. Imma be honest, I am broke af. I work a minimum wage job and I am full-time in Uni. I also love shopping like omg. I see something cute and I need it. Realistically tho, this overconsumption is not good and I need to stop that. I have so many things that I know I do NOT need more. I don’t need clothes or shoes or bags or stationary or plushies NOTHING. I quite literally have everything I need to be content. So I will definitely start controlling my spending and make wishlist. I also recently invested in a nespresso to hopefully save some money on buying coffees. Making my own meals will also help not break the bank. I want to start saving atleast $30 per check and send it into my savings. I also want to pay off my credit cards. I think I have about $1600 in credit card debt right now and I am sure I can pay that off in no time if I set my mind to it. My method of paying it off will be taking $50 every time I get and paying that to the card with more interest while paying the minimum amount for the other card until I finish the first one. I used this method to pay off my chase card and it worked wonders so I know I can do this. This method ensures that I am atleast paying off $100 a month to one of the cards. Once I am out of card debt, I’ll have funds that are just for myself.

Lastly, we have skincare. I unfortunately have back acne and some dark spots on my face. I really need to fix that. Changing my eating habits and getting more physically active will definitely help this goal, but I also want to strictly start sticking to my skin and body routine. I do have a skincare plan that I have seen help me but I do not stay consistent. Unfortunately sometimes I don’t shower or do my skincare and it does set me back. So from now on I will be following my routines strictly. I have an app that sends me reminders of when I should be doing my routines and as annoying as the notifications will be, it will help me. That way can attain clearer and healthier skin.

Now the biggest issue is making sure I stay disciplined. Its gonna be my mind set that needs the most work. I’m helping myself by reading self-help books and listening to some very useful podcast. I am also going to do everything confidently with NO DOUBTS in my head. I don’t care what my parents or siblings are gonna say. They can suck it. Not only that but I know that all my cute besties and my sweet boyfriend are going to support me through this because they always are. They’re my rocks frfr and they help me in so many ways without even knowing it. I am going to change and I am becoming the best version of me. No one can take that away from me ever. While I plan on keeping this private, I will share this with one specific bestie cause she is the most helpful in keeping me consistent teehee.

I love myself the way I am but I know I can and will be better in every way.

08.13.23 gaby

[crimsoletta]

heavy negative thoughts and personal vent

have been making progress under guidance of relative - not directly at least which is something? but it's the same pattern of me only doing things when push comes to shove.

i cannot bring myself to do anything without the factor of fear.

the two things i'm sure of is i'm constantly filled with fear and shame. i avoid things i'm afraid of and are greatly dictated and driven by fear. nothing and any bad habits i do see an ounce of possible change without fear. i'm sure this is not 100% all the time, but it's a majority and it haunts me.

i can't stop thinking about horrible things at the moment even though i do know it doesn't do me any favors to berate myself. Literally being aware of my flaws so far hasn't been able to drive me towards any improvement. Where do i summon the effort? What are other people driven from?

How can I be different? Anyways... since I cannot speak a word out of shame to anyone I care for of it, I'll share it here. So far, the people that are supposed to help give a refund for my sister's accidental double purchase are not responding even though it's their business hours. I will see them in person if necessary.

It is nerve wracking to say the very least. I hope they can't spin it on us and take our money for an extra thing we didn't mean to buy due to a glitch in their system.

[bogkeep]

stuck in the brain bog shallows today, stirring up some mud soup

hi it's more traumaposting

i wrote some time ago that i got like, Stalked and Harassed which is obviously very trauma. but then there's the trauma behind THAT trauma which is actually a lot harder to speak about, because that IS actually relatively easy to spin into You Are A Horrible Person And You Clearly Deserved What You Got

but i know i'm not the only one who's experienced this.

have you ever had a friend or acquaintance or someone who just. copies you. treats you like a blueprint for themselves. who slurps up your personality like juice. eats you like a whalefall? humans are a social species and copying others is a normal thing we do! of course we pick up mannerisms from our friends! of course we pick up habits from people we admire! everyone is a tapestry of the world we've absorbed. i can go poetic about it, you know, how we keep people alive by harbouring their memory in our daily lives. and yes obviously i am well aware of the zealous "how DARE you copy my art" digital artist archetype. i am very very aware of the precarious position i put myself in by speaking about this at all. but it wasn't really about art. it was - my interests. my mannerisms. my friends. my ideas. my goals. my way of speaking. my words. my memories. anything i shared where they could see, nothing was sacred. (they never created enough art to ever actually copy mine.) towards the end, i could predict what they would do next, only because i had done it. like a drinking game. i didn't get to keep anything for myself. is that selfish? is that greedy? to share a piece of my life on the internet and hoping it gets to stay my own? obviously i don't own everything. i don't own concepts or ideas or experiences. i can't stop other people from doing the same as me, even if i wanted to - which really, i don't. i don't know how to convince people that i really don't mind. it's just, there's a limit. i think the limit is where i start thinking "are you mixing up my tweets with your own memories?" "are you doing this on purpose or is your self-awareness really that lacking" or maybe the weird feeling of responsibility i get when someone clearly tries to solve their own problems by trying to be Me, Someone Who Obviously Has No Problems Ever, and i have to, somehow convince them that our lives are different and being me can't solve their problems because they're not actually me, or i try to let them know how i ACTUALLY solve my problems, or try to show them a way of solving problems that involves Not Doing Exactly What I Do, and it turns out all of these options are actually deeply uncomfortable to everyone involved. welp (i made grim jokes to myself about it being a form of cultural appropriation - to whisk off my surface level behaviours without understanding the deeper roots of why i act the way i do.) and i spent months trying to convince myself that it was wrong of me to be uncomfortable with this, that i just need to stop being so selfish and greedy and just relax about it. in fact i may just be mistaken and making the whole thing up! how self-absorbed am i for even having the THOUGHT this is what's happening! just a coincidence, just a coincidence, just a coincidence, just a coincidence, just a coincidence, just a coincidence - how do you even... talk about this. with anyone, much less the person doing this to you? because like the good outcome is that you go "hey i feel like you keep mimicking everything i do and it's starting to feel really weird" and they go "oh shit i did not realise" and then they walk on eggshells around you forever and you get bitch eating crackers disease about anything that even remotely resembles copying you and the bad outcome is that they go "whaaaaaaaat i didn't even notice but i'll TRY" and nothing changes, and then it becomes "well actually it's your fault for being so INFLUENTIAL, you're basically brain-washing people around you when you think about it" so you apologise for doing that (and nothing changes), and then it becomes "actually i have trauma and that's why you must let me keep doing this" and nothing changes until it must because there is no other way out of that. they can do it all they want but they can't be your Friend at the same time. you have to Leave.

i tried - i tried not saying anything, i tried saying anything, i tried Giving a lot so they would Take less, i tried keeping my distance. it was clumsy and desperate but they were attempts. a hard lock leave and burning down a dozen bridges was my only way out.

for a long time it made no sense - why were they so angry at me for leaving when they hated me so much? why did they follow me everywhere if they wanted nothing to do with me? a friend explained to me: i had left them cold turkey.

close to where i used to live, someone had spraypainted a phrase on a wall - "mitt liv er ikke et måltid." my life is not a meal. i gave it a salute every time i passed by.