#i have so much to tell my past self but she'll never get to hear it so i guess ill keep this here for future meg.

[megumi-fm]

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[ellewritesalright]

Second Best - Part 2

Nikolai Lantsov x reader

Part 1 --- Masterlist --- Part 3

A/N: Started at school again so updates will probably be even more infrequent now. Once again, I hope this part is coherent enough :) also, I gave the mc reader a last name :)

Synopsis: When you were a child, the Lantsov king and queen arranged for their second son to marry you, a rich Ravkan noble family's only daughter. After many years, after all the destruction of the war, and after Nikolai was crowned king, Nikolai breaks off the engagement. But the complications of your past and your strict parents make it a nightmare to find a new fiance, so Nikolai promises to help you, yet he slowly realizes the mistake he's made.

Warnings: strict and mean parents, very slight self-image issues because of said parents, mentions of illness and death, me not knowing how to write sciencey things, kinda confusing and purposefully ambiguous details that will be important later in the story (bear with me please)

Word Count: 1840

..........

The day after the king visited, a letter addressed to you arrived at the Antonov house in Os Alta. You never got letters.

You grew up in the isolated countryside, surrounded by acres and acres of land and a household of servants who were under strict orders not to speak with you. When you were five, the only friend you had died during a small outbreak of pox, which was around the same time your parents started to restrict who came near your estate. Because of this, no one back in the countryside would be writing to you. Perhaps an old school friend sent you a rare letter, though they wouldn’t have the address for the city house, only the country estate.

There was no reason for a letter to arrive addressed to you. So when the butler handed you the letter at the breakfast table, your mother gasped and plucked it out of your hand before you could even open it.

Her eyes narrowed on the wax seal. "It's the double eagles."

"What does the puppy prince want now?" Your father looked over his morning paper, vaguely interested in the contents of the letter as he sipped at his morning tea.

"He's the king, father," you quietly chided. He just waved you off.

Your mother cracked open the seal and started reading. You wanted to grab it back from her--seeing as it was your letter--but you merely stood from your seat and hurried to her side of the table so you could read over her shoulder. 

"He was serious about helping her find a new fiance," your mother said as she read. 

You glanced at the first few lines, confirming her information. Then she gasped and set down the letter. You craned over her shoulder to understand what had scandalized her.

I wish to discuss what exactly you are looking for and to get to know you better before I help you find a match. As such, I would like you to have tea and luncheon with me in the Grand Palace on Saturday at noon. But only you--I do not wish to hear your parents’ talking.

"He's invited her to the palace. Alone." 

Your father set down his cup. His eyes flitted up to you.

Your mother tsked, looking at him. "She can't go. She'll ruin us if she goes. She'll let it slip, I just know she will."

"I won't tell him." You swore, eyes pleading with your father. "You know I won't."

"Look at her, she'll crumble and tell him everything," your mother said, her face tensing up as she glared at you.

He paused in consideration, crossing his arms. You stepped closer to him.

"Father," you said calmly. "It's my reputation on the line as much as it is the family's. I won't tell him or anyone else for that matter."

He scrutinized your eyes a moment longer, then he returned his attention to his newspaper. "You can go. But be back by two o'clock. No later."

Your mother sat up in her seat, seeming like she wanted to say something, but a glance from your father made her think twice. You grabbed your letter and envelope from in front of her and waltzed back to your place at the table. You quickly hugged your father's shoulders on the way to your seat.

……….

The last time you were at the Grand Palace, you were twelve and terrified. Your spine was as stiff as granite as Lord and Lady Antonov guided you into the throne room. You'd been lectured from this way to that as you got ready that day all those years back. 

"Keep your hands folded, and your mouth shut," your mother said as she fussed over your hair that morning. "Don't give yourself away by speaking commonly, girl. Be a proper lady."

You could still remember how her hands threateningly tightened in your hair as she started to braid it.

"The saints will pity you if you are not believed, daughter, but they will pity you more for what I will do to you if the royal family sees through you."

That was many years ago. But despite how the time had ticked, despite how you had grown and gone across the sea and back since then, you still felt like a nervous kid as you stood in the Grand Palace.

You stared at a painting in the palace's main drawing room. It was just a study of a vase packed with flowers, yet your eyes eagerly traced the purple petals and green leaves. You tried to imagine painting such a thing, although you’d never had an iota of artistic ability. You were only desperate to distract yourself from your impending meeting.

Suddenly the doors to the drawing room opened and Nikolai stepped inside.

"My apologies for being late. I was in the Fabrikator lab and there was a small crisis to be dealt with." He gave a suave smile. "Fire's out now, though."

"You started a fire?" You raised a brow.

His nose scrunched as he chuckled, "Well, not intentionally. Please, sit."

You smiled and sat down on one of the couches. Nikolai sat across from you, pouring two cups of tea.

"Sugar? Milk?" He asked as his hands hovered over the tea tray.

"Three sugars and a splash of milk, please," you replied.

"You like your tea sweet, then?" He glanced at you, making your eyes flit down to your lap.

"I didn't have many sweets growing up. Tea was always the one place I could get away with adding as much sugar as I wanted. And now my taste for tea is permanently skewed sweeter than everyone else I know."

"Nonsense," he smirked as he handed you your teacup and saucer, "everyone else's tastes are just too bitter and boring. Personally, I go for one sugar and as much milk as will fit before overflowing. But truth be told, I much prefer coffee to tea." 

"Me too," you smiled a bit. A thought came to you, and you spoke, "There was this coffee shop at the university of Ketterdam that served the best coffee. It was sweet and light all while keeping a rich flavor; I still don’t know how they accomplished that."

Nikolai sighed contently as if imagining the taste of what you've described. "Yes, Kerch coffee is leagues ahead of what we make here in Ravka, isn't it?"

"Must be the high demand of all their bankers and businesspeople," you remarked, making Nikolai chuckle softly.

"Must be."

The conversation lulled for a moment, and you noticed a bit of ash on Nikolai's otherwise pristine jacket cuff.

"So… that fire that you didn't start intentionally?" You inquired with a light tone.

He scrunched his nose again. "Yes?"

"Were you looking at some Fabrikator invention in their lab when you accidentally made it catch fire?"

"No, actually," he chuckled. "The Fabrikators were helping me work on an idea I had for a thermal converter, something that could be implemented throughout Ravkan homes to help heat houses in the winter.”

“That’s an admirable invention.” You furrowed your brow and paused for a moment. “Would it work independently of a fireplace?”

“No, it would work in tandem,” He explained. “There would be pipes connected to the fireplace that would then run along the house either on the walls or beneath the floorboards.”

“Tungsten pipes?”

“Yes. Tungsten or–”

“Nickel.”

He blinked at you. “Exactly. How did you know that?”

“I studied advanced physics at the University; we had engineering classes where we had to design and build different inventions. I designed a motorized plough but the machinations kept burning through the metals so I needed to find the best metals. In my research I found that Nickel and tungsten have high melting points. Ergo, nickel and tungsten can withstand the heat of your pipes.”

He watched you for a moment, smiling. You watched back. 

Men are frightened by smart women. Your mother’s words echoed in your mind.

But Nikolai wasn’t frightened. He wasn’t put off by your intellect. He sat there smiling at you for a second longer, then he set down his teacup and leaned forward in his seat.

“Two things,” he said with a bright glint in his eye. “One: did that machinated plough of yours work?”

You nodded. “Quite well, actually. I've tried to get my father to implement it on our estate and in our region’s farms, but he’s reluctant. He thinks it’s a fool’s tool.”

“Well Lord Antonov must be wrong. I can’t imagine anything you make would be worthy of such low-esteem. If you still have the designs, I would love to share them with the Fabrikators.”

You smiled. “I have the designs.”

“Excellent.”

Again, he watched you for a second, a light expression on his face.

“What was the second thing?” you asked.

“Oh, yes,” he grinned. “Two: would you like to come see the Fabrikator workshop?”

"Absolutely." You grinned back.

……….

The workshop was its own slice of heaven. All the machinery and pending inventions called to you as Nikolai and the Fabrikators gave you a tour. You could have stayed in the workshop for hours on end, but it was nearing two o'clock, and your parents would be livid if you weren't home by then.

Nikolai walked you back through the Grand Palace to where your carriage would be waiting for you.

"We never discussed my offer of assistance, did we?" He spoke as the pair of you walked through the main entry hall.

"I suppose we got a bit distracted," you smiled guiltily.

"Shame on us," he said with a lopsided grin. You reached the front doors and two servants opened them. Nikolai stopped in the doorway and turned to you. "So, you will accept my offer?"

"To help me find a fiance?" You asked softly.

"Yes."

You glanced over at the waiting carriage. Then your eyes found his again. "Yes. I'm sure you will find a better match than my mother will. She's already written to every eligible suitor that I am back on the market."

He let out a soft laugh. "Saints, that woman works fast." 

"Tell me about it," you grumbled.

He stepped towards your carriage and held his arm out for you. You took his arm and his help into your carriage. 

"Thank you," you smiled gently at him from the open window. "For everything."

He shrugged. "Of course."

"Truly, I am grateful that you are doing this. Saints know what sort of person my mother would force a match with. I have faith that you will offer me options with real merit."

He gave a small laugh. "High praise."

"I'm just being honest." 

"I know," he nodded as he looked up at you.

His eyes were so intent on yours. A hazel colour was so perfectly spun in his irises, and his stare felt warmer than any you'd ever seen before.

"I'll send you a list soon enough," he smiled at you. His eyes lingered for another moment, then he backed away from the carriage. "Goodbye for now, my lady."

Your chauffeur rode off, and you watched the Grand Palace slowly shrink away.

..........

A/N: Thanks for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment if you want to read more, I really appreciate the feedback! If you want to be tagged in the other parts of this series or to be added to the Nikolai taglist please comment on this part or send me an ask. Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Masterlist

Part 3

Taglist:

@xceafh @rhaenyrakryze @thecrowsgambit @nghtwngs @hauntedenthusiasttragedy @stuffyownswrld @sublimepenguinpeach-blog @iwantmyredvelvetcupcake @angie-likes-to-read @take-me-to-ny @historianthesecond

Nikolai Taglist:

@sweet0pia-uwu @notoakay @naushtheaspiringauthor @liter4ti @marchingicenotes7 @eyeofthestorm

[xmorguekittyx]

Ever Locked

Part 4: Good Night, Bunny

Part 3: With Your Ghost

pairing: Older!Leon Kennedy × Ex!Coroner's Assistant Reader

warnings: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, talks of enjoying inflicting emotional and physical pain on another, just Leon’s pov on things right now.

Fucking rain. Every single day, nothing like the thick air, the feeling of Raccoon City before its inevitable bombing. Boots clap against the rain puddles, slick as the show slides on the step, nearly knocking me off balance and into the small bushes by the hotel door way. "Shit-", the word spat as my hand clutches at the automatic door, stilling it. "Fucking rain, can't wait to get back to my place.", all the more reason to get into her mind, to open Pandora's Box into the mind of the woman of the hour.

   My phone dings as I adjust the whiskey bottles in the bag, shifting from my right to left hand, reaching for the Motorola Razr, the fucking brick costing much more than i wanted to pay. Chris Redfield sent a message. A grumble left my lips as i entered the doors, heading to the shiny elevator. Tapping his stupid little contact photo opened the message; "so, when were you gonna tell everyone you were over 3000 miles away? You know we listed you as MIA and had a chopper checking around your house, right? Never understood why you needed to live in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, had us worried you went off the deep end or something." I could nearly hear Rebecca hitting him in the shoulder for the last part.

  My choices in house placement was quite simple; remote enough to not have any issues with neighbors- like a certain old hag who should've minded her own business- then, were close enough to a small town with a grocery store and a post office. It's perfect. Small, far away from everyone else and it can be a small safe space for the family i'm going to build. I have lived my life giving and giving and giving, giving up my life to the government, letting all my wants go to work on missions, letting vacations slip past me just so i can work my ass off one more time and get denied the next vacation. I never have a moment to myself until i'm MIA.

  I'll be selfish, this time around, i'll be selfish. I want one thing to myself, my home to myself. I want her, bunny, to myself. The future is so uncertain, but in certainty, i know i will have her and she will be away from everything and everyone. She'll be something just for me, for my pleasure. It's selfish, god, it's wrong to be so self centered to throw off someone's life so horribly, but i can't find it in myself to regret the choice i've made to come and find her.

  The elevator dings, bringing my attention to the wobbly reflection. My hair is dark with grease, my skin dry and flakey in parts, my hand comes up just as the doors open. Fingers rubbing at the rough scruff that coats my jaw. I looked like shit, honestly, i would've cried had i seen myself too. As the door threaten to close once more, i step out. The hallway is lit with a warm lamp, it was short and the rain taps against the windows with a rhythmic patter. I wonder what she's doing, is she worrying? Is she scared that i'm back, or is that perfect new boyfriend currently too busy keeping her wrapped around him? The latter causes my brows to drop.

  The keycard taps the lock, hearing a beep and a green light before my, still wobby, legs threaten to let me fall. The handle is clicked quickly, falling under the weight of my hand. The room is... clean, at the most, plain. Very minimalistic. The bed is neat, the coffee cups wrapped, definitely won't be touching those, unless they have the creamer i like. Coffee left a bad taste, trying to down that god awful black coffee to impress the older officers still made me want to throw up. The bitterness, i wasn't someone into the bitter things, despite how bland my life had become. Time didn't stop for me to indulge in anything sweet or extra. That's why i won't answer that message, once i acknowledge it all, then come questions, why's, when's, where's. I don't have the time, I needed to set my plan in place. I needed to know that things were gonna work out this time, this opportunity.

  The desk is clear of anything, which is good, my bags lay underneath from my earlier visit before the White Wolf. Duffel bags of clothes, files and photos. It was time... but a drink first wouldn't hurt. A soft sigh leaves my lips as i lay the whiskey bottles down, hearing them clink together. Jack Daniel's, wasn't the top shelf shit- but it was cheap and whiskey tastes like whiskey once you've downed enough- they all taste the same.

  The bag rustles as i fish out the first bottle, nearly half empty from the gas station down the road. My boots slide off with ease as i step towards the coffee maker, pulling one of the little paper cups from the stack. "As good as any.", my shoulders weigh with a shrug before the cap is off and the cup is half full of warm whiskey. The amber liquor burns, the flavor vanilla-ish. Something i should've looked at before throwing the cash on the counter. Alcohol is alcohol, at the end of the day.

   My back hits the bedding, cup laid aside on the side table. The thoughts of the past few years flooding my mind, the latest tragedy being my team being ratted out and only myself coming out as a survivor. It never seems to fail, anyone close to me... their life is cut short by some tragedy or they're in danger at my hands. It was a cycle, one i wouldn't let touch the innocence of my bunny. The pillow engulfs my cheek as i lay my head upon it, the inside rough but manageable as i reach out for the cup, my fingers pushing it further away before catching the rim and pulling it closer.

  My head aches with the next round of thunder, the lightening cracking over the dim room. Engulfing everything in a light for a few seconds, the painting across from the bed getting my attention. It looked... angry, and yet it was just swipes of black and red paint over a white background. What? You gonna say it's some internal struggle i'm having or something. is it like those tests the therapist hands you to get a read on you? The liquid in the cup splashes as i swirl it, my mind bouncing from left to right. It feels surreal, im sure it does for her, too. The moment i've been anticipating since i saw the name under a few address, the moment she's been dreading since that faithful day. It's crazy how much fate can dictate.

  The Chinese have a legend, about a red string of fate tied between two lovers. It's a beautiful story-pictures of fingers intertwined with the others, red string wrapped delicately around pinkies and swirling around the hands that finally met their match. It's beautiful until the string is tied around your throat by the one tethered to the other side, that string of fate is telling. What was meant to show you endless care and tenderness now tightly stealing away the very air that kept you alive, that tore at the delicate flesh, its motives unknown and terrifying.

  Another rumble of thunder and that thought too is ripped from my consciousness. I see the fault in my plans, don't get me wrong. I'm not insane. I simply don't care, i want this and for once in my miserable life, im going to get something i want. She's just the poor soul who has to be the one i set my sights on. She loved me once too, you know? She said it- herself- she loved me. She let me see her vulnerable and bare. I want to see it again, that bitch at the bar declined giving me Bunny's new number. What a stuck up bitch. A laugh ripped past my lips, the liquor splashing out of the cup lip and landing on my cheek as i wipe it away quickly. Hand once more in my scruffy, growing in beard. I wonder if i should keep it, at least while i'm here? Nah. I never could grow a nice full beard, mine always patchy and uneven. It is what it is, but i'm not shaving it right now. My eyes are stinging, head falling back on the pillow as the cup slides back onto the night stand.

  The clothes call to me from their bag, begging for me to change into the soft grey sweatpants that have been my favorite for years now. I feel a twitch in my leg, a pushing force that is quickly pushed away. That can wait for tomorrow, as can planning. The bed is too magnetic to my body. The sheets already bunched under my weight, fingers digging around to grip the sheet and pull it up, promptly causing my muscles to ache, realizing i have, indeed, made no progress, my legs stand for a millisecond, before i'm back into the bed, quicker than the bag can see. Nothing outweighed the amount of exhaustion that built up in my brain.

  The aircon kicks on, the room settling at a nice sixteen nine degrees. Cold and enough the blanket keeps me warm. The buzz of the alcohol and the warm and cool feeling just about as perfect as it can get. Something feels as if it's missing, like there's something that should be here and isn't, but i think i know what it is. I think it's always been missing and the sleepless nights had me begging any god that i'd have that back. Sleep doesn't come easily for me anymore, but knowing her presence isn't as far as i anticipated, has me feeling slightly more relaxed. Maybe enough to settle into bed all night, or enough to keep staying asleep the entirety. Either way, as long as i sleep. I can't keep pushing missions with no rest, last mission i was nearly left back there. Sleep is a necessity that hasn't been fulfilled since her disappearance. I know it wasn't her choice or fault either too.

  That's why I'd wanted to speak with her at her work, to see if all these years anything had changed. I know it probably has, but does she still bring that peace and calmness to me, can she still cause me to snap instantly with her little smart ass behavior? I have to know. Either way, she's mine. She's always been mine.

  The sheets cocoon me, cradling my body as I slept in my daily clothes. It didn't matter, i'd slept in abandoned ships, cots that were as hard as a plank of wood, in 3 day old clothes, bed for other men who hadn't showered in weeks. This bed, felt amazing, compared. The curtains letting the lightening crack over my face but the stinging stalled as the darkness encroached my eyes. The fluttering causing a tear slipped pasty cheek. warm as i nearly got to that state of peace. Work can be done tomorrow, plans, actions and strong up my temporary home, it'll all work out. Good night, Bunny...

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

i love lion king 2

i love how we see Simba overcorrecting for his own childhood, how Kiara can recite lessons on the circle of life at the same age when Mufasa was just starting to introduce the idea to Simba

i love how Kiara is already so aware of the responsibility she'll have as ruler that, when cub Simba was bragging "I'm gonna be king of pride rock" and singing "Oh I just can't WAIT to be king!", Kiara, his daughter, who he's been raising to not make (or suffer) any of his own mistakes, instead says "But what if I don't want to be queen? It's no fun..." and sings "If there's so much I must be, can I still just be me, the way I am?"

I love how we see this PAY OFF at the end, when Kiara's sense of responsibility means she never once thinks of running off into the sunset with Kovu, no, of course she has to go back, of course she has to try reuniting both of their prides-

And maybe that's also some of Nala's spirit shining through her daughter, but really, Kiara is so much like Simba in all other ways (including her terrible pouncing, her thirst for adventure, her rule breaking) it really just feels like this is who Simba might have been if Mufasa hadn't been so confident he'd be around for his son so much longer, if Mufasa had focused more on preparing Simba for what the circle of life really means-

At The Same Time, even though it's good for the pride lands and the outlanders in the end, there's something tragic in comparing Simba and Kiara as cubs

how confident and carefree Simba got to be, how stifled and resigned Kiara ending up being, how she didn't get that kind of childhood at all thanks to her father's fear that it might be suddenly cut short, so much of Simba's talks with cub Kiara are warnings or lectures-

(when we see her play pouncing she's doing it on her own, contrast that with Mufasa and cub Simba playing together, contrast that to Simba's restraining paw scooping up his young daughter and keeping her in place)

-and even as an adult she ends up singing about how "I may not be brave, or strong, or smart" like this is more than just not being self-centered, this is depressing as heck, this girl doesn't think she's good at ANYTHING

(Timon you are not helping)

(I understand you might still be traumatized by your first meet-and-almost-eat with her mom and be worried about disappointing or hurting your adopted lion son if his cub gets hurt under your watch, but please, stop)

dear gods she never ever got to be herself without being held to the same standard as the great kings of the past

(except for when she snuck off on her own and got have a little adventure with Kovu, which she got through as HERSELF, not a princess, just a cub swatting at crocodiles and jumping on their gaping mouths just in time to save her new friend from getting eaten)

(meanwhile, Simba doesn't even acknowledge (or even hear???) her sad little line in their song together, he goes on talking about life lessons and leadership and she's the daughter of a king they are one, good, great, Simba your daughter is Distressed)

and that could have driven such a wedge between her and Simba, that could have pushed her into wanting escape and independence more than anything

except, she knows he's feeling THE SAME THING too

and we know she knows because when she wants to hurt him, to jar him, to criticize him for exiling Kovu while claiming he's doing it to follow in his father's paw prints, she tells him

"You will never be Mufasa!"

This is her fear, that she'll never be enough to be a good queen, this is also her fear, that the only way to be a good ruler is to stop being yourself

And it's what she rejects the moment she pulls a Nala and runs from pride rock alone- not to get help, but to give it- and when she returns to confront Simba with the wisdom she's learned, using the words he taught her

She looks at him, finally confident in who she is (with her back turned to the outlanders, defending them from her pride, "my father says to never turn your back on an outsider!" but she has grown since then)

she says "A wise king once told me" (Simba listen to yourself)

she says "we are one" (listen to the part of me that I learned from you)

"I didn't understand him then. Now I do" (Listen to me, now)

she says something that is true about pride landers and out landers, about Simba and Zira, about Kovu and Simba

"Them? Us. Look at them, they are us. What differences do you see?"

(between the desperation of lions on a starving land, dead loved ones, the thirst for revenge, children following in their parent's pawprints, to be so blinded by your own pain (fear, shame) that the pain of others fades away)

she asks him not to be a great king, but to see himself in them, these 'outsiders', and then to be himself in answer

And Simba listens

He looks at the daughter who had the same fear as him (Simba, who looked for guidance in the stars, saying "My father would never-" who Nala also understood so well, "Oh my Simba, you want so much to walk the path expected of you."), he looks at Kiara, who also feared that she couldn't be enough, as herself

Only... she isn't afraid anymore. She is a queen already, smart enough to find wisdom, brave enough to speak it, strong when she has to be

(he was so afraid of losing her but she had the chance to run and she came back, she came back and she is asking him, just once, to please finally-)

He listens to her. The clouds part.

We can feel Mufasa watching over them.

We look into Simba's eyes as he sees this (recall the same pattern of clouds and gazing when Mufasa told his son "you have forgotten who you are, and so you have forgotten me" and to "remember who you are")

The words Simba says as he accepts Kiara's wisdom "It's time to put the past behind us"

The lesson he learned from Timon and Pumba, this time used not to run from responsibility and pain but to face it, this hard part of his past that IS part of him

And the fact that even with all the reasons in the world to want Scar dead he still didn't want to be like him, he didn't want to kill his own uncle

(Mufasa never wanted to kill his brother, even as openly resentful and threatening though Scar was. There, the shock and horror in Mufasa's eyes as his brother betrays him- Mufasa never would have- Mufasa could have killed him any time before now, but he-)

Simba gave Scar the chance of mercy. Now, he gives it again. His daughter, his refection, his pride, has reminded him.

He looks at Kiara and he find himself in her.

He finds his father in her.

Great Kings of the past and present, great Queen of the future- Three generations and the choice of who they wish to be, and how that guides them into kindess, into mercy, into healing more harms than they cause.

Kiara speaks. Simba listens. Mufasa lives on in them

....

...then the contrast, sudden, stark, painful, of a daughter who speaks and a parent who does not listen

(Vitani says "No, mother" says "Kiara's right" pleads "Enough")

(Nuka is already dead, Kovu is scarred-)

(Their enemy no longer wants to fight, no longer IS their enemy-)

(Zira's smirk as she condemns her own daughter to death)

and the point hammered home, as the outlanders turn in disgust from their leader, that they were never evil

The point that the 'evil' which doomed Scar and Zira and Nuka (drove them on, single minded, into danger, into death) was a simple choice they all had faced. The simple question not everyone asks

Who are you?

Will you close yourself off to everyone and everything that does not feed your own conviction? Ignore anything that doesn't further your own goals?

(Nuka was loved for what he was, even if his mother never showed it. But his brother spoke up for him, his sister looked out for him, his pride all mourned him- he never needed to be the "chosen one")

(Scar was not the great king he thought he was, all around him is proof of his failure, the pridelands barren and empty, and his chance to do better, lead the lions from pride rock, make a new life- but it was never about being a good king to others. "I am the king, I can do whatever I want"- Simba's cubhood song, echoed in a lion who never learned better. Simba's offer of mercy, to let Scar escape with his life, thrown back in Simba's face (Nala's trick of always throwing off the lions who leap on her, here mirrored, saving Simba's life) and Scar, always thinking of himself, killed by his own self serving words and the hyenas he was so quick to betray)

(Zira wanting revenge for her pain, for Scar, wanting Nuka's death to be the last time Simba hurts her- Losing her daughter, because she will not stop the fight, losing her follows, because she would killed her daughter for refusing to fight... losing her life, swatting at the helping paw held out to her, only wanting to cause pain, only causing her own pain instead)

Will you cling desperately to what you have, or what you think you are owed, even when another way is offered?

Or will you listen.

(Vitani, so loyal to her mother, so vicious in her battles- Kovu's confused look as she changes her choice, choosing peace, Kiara's answering smile)

Will you see yourself in others and use that wisdom to decide who you want to be...

(Kiara, Simba, Mufasa- remember, remember)

...or who you do not want to be?

(the rest of the outlanders turning away from Zira. Their disgust at a mother who would kill her own child. The choice to leave her behind)

(the ending of the war)

I love lion king 2

it's the kind of sequel that makes me love the original more than i did before, it's so good it makes the first one even BETTER than it was on it's own

it makes the first movie sadder to re-watch

seeing how unprepared Simba really was. How Vitani proves that Scar had another way out

seeing Mufasa with his son, giving him a wonderful childhood, unaware of how has Simba will have to grow up- how long it will take him- the nightmares still haunting him- the gap between Simba and his own child thanks to his fears, his shames- (Mufasa's spirit, making leaves dancing as little tiny Kiara playfully swats at them) -Mufasa raising his son with no idea how much pain it will cause his granddaughter when Simba tries to make up for it...

...seeing all that, and knowing it still turns out okay

i wouldn't enjoy lion king 1 half as much without Simba's Pride. They fit together

i love them i love them i love them both

(also i am Gay and kiara is WOW)

(also also vitani too)

( also also also the fact that i just wanted to wrap kovu in blankets and never let anyone hurt him meanwhile he was everyone else's crush-> hmmm i wonder why that was....)

[davey-in-a-minivan]

Second Star to the left Pasithea Au??? 👀👀👀👀

okay there are actually three permutations that @munchiezxx and i discussed (listed in increasing order of my fondness for them!)--

scoutminder jane, scout sophie:

personalitywise, this one feels most obvious--sophie's got that intrepid explorer air, and jane WOULD be over-particular and stressed if she had to try to watch over sophie in a situation where she has almost no actual influence!

remember that part in pasithea season 1 where jane admits she doesn't mind hearing sophie's stories about other planets bc they're probably the closest she'll come to seeing new worlds herself? scout sophie lovingly describing her planet for the sake of jane, who they both assume will never see it, is born from that same wistfulness

like bell, scoutminder jane ONE HUNDRED PERCENT has a "criminal due to decisions of conscience" past that she drops no hints of and sophie is too self-absorbed to prod until something happens

a very funny situation made possible by this set up is that moreau is jane's on-station nemesis that she complains to sophie about and sophie's like "um are you're sure they're not flirting?? *i* think they're wildly attracted to you and it's pissing them off. you should flirt back" and jane's like "you're insane" and sophie, who finds the saga wildly entertaining, is like "jane pleeeease, im stuck on this nowhere planet, i can't start drama myself, you have to do it on my behalf, i'll literally coach you" except then one day jane gets on the radio and says "um. something very lgbt just happened between me and moreau" and sophie's like 👁👁 wait a minute (<- suddenly super jealous and BLINDSIDED by the feeling bc she literally spent weeks egging jane into this)

sometimes sophie crosses a line and jane gives her the cold shoulder, refusing to talk about anything non mission related, and sophie resorts to narrating stupid choices she's "going" to make until jane can't take any more and is like "i know you know that putting your fork in the outlet won't fix it, stop that" and sophie (who was bluffing about the fork AND the broken outlet) is like well okay fine :) 2. scoutminder sophie, scout jane:

my backstory thought here is maybe instead of jane getting thrown in prison for the ssttl-verse equivalent of the rowley conspiracy, she was "invited" to become a planetary scout

sophie would probably have an ideological faith in the institution of the scouting office (which she works for as scoutminder) that gets broken down over the course of the story

jane would freely rearrange mission priorities and modify equipment to suit her and sophie's like "for the love of god there is protocol to follow." and does jane listen? no <3

jane asks sophie to slip hieronymus cheng novels into her data download packages and sometimes she reads them out loud and sophie insists she's only half-listening and doesn't care about the plot. which is true she doesn't care about the plot!! but she loves to hear jane's voice :')

sophie also asks jane to describe her planet sometimes but she's trying so hard to picture jane, not the planet... she's like "what's the light like? is your hair up or down?"

my favorite aspect of THIS scenario is i think sophie would just wildly overshare abt her life to fill in gaps in conversation so she tells jane waaaay too much abt her love life on the station at first "for jane's entertainment" because "it's not like she's got much else going on", and then one day jane's like huh sophie hasn't told me about any of her hookups in excruciating detail recently, thank god (this is because sophie is pining horribly)

3. scoutminder jane (again), scouts sophie and george:

this one is notably different from scenario (1) bc in that one, scout sophie fills a gwen hartley-ish role; in this one she's mikhail

from sophie's pov: she finds out her planet is inhabited by a sentient species (the others!!!) and realizes that in order to protect them & humanity from each other, she has to fake her death and stay here alone. (i don't remember the name of mikhail's alien lover but THAT'S OMIKRON)

from jane's pov: sophie gets weirder and weirder over calls until jane hears another voice in the background and goes cold bc it sounds just like evelyn. and then sophie's like "yeah i need you to tell everyone i'm dead and leave me here alone with no company except my ghosts and the undead replica of the guy we both loved!!! and you have to be the only one who knows what happened to me while everyone else mourns me!!!"

meanwhile jane and moreau are having their whole haters-to-soulmates arc over the radio (remember how moreau names the egoran corpse in their closet and insists jane treat her with respect?? they would sooo anthropomorphize their bot and then condescendingly explain to it why jane is wrong during arguments)

also moreau's a xenobiologist and i just think they deserve to have a field day investigating the weird vines on their planet and jane listens to a thirty minute monologue abt the vines' growth behaviors and is like "wait why is this so endearing"

jane gets in trouble for insubordination on the station bc of course she does and moreau finally gets josephine to track down information abt jane's background, finds out abt [rowley conspiracy equivalent] and is like "oh shit. that actually makes me like her even better. shit she can't go to PRISON abt this"

i do think coordinating a long distance jailbreak by calling in favors from random ppl who are fond of jane (anders? david alegros?) is something moreau is capable of AND likely to do

so jane escapes to moreau's planet, they finally meet in person, and then sophie turns up out of fucking NOWHERE to find jane bc while moreau's been having their ssttl 'express your newly recognized feelings for your erstwhile scoutminder by breaking them out of jail and bringing them to your planet' plotline, sophie was having her pasithea s3 'i need to convince the aliens to give me a ride home' plotline

now all three of them are on a planet together and it's GOING to cause problems!! but the fun kind!!!

ANYWAY THANKS FOR ASKING!!!

[kasaraku]

Me : ‘Bored.’

Brain : Moon Kasa.

Me : *Springs up to my docs* Moon Kasa.

Have you ever thought about how someone could be so bright and so full of energy? It's a wonder where they got those energies. Sometimes it was just too much, it feels like they're forcing it out. Maybe it was just natural for them to have such energy?

But where did they get that energy?

Maybe we need to see the examples of a genuine energy and a fake one. We should see if there's something we can differentiate it from!

♣︎

Their show ended a short while ago, yet here he is, tinkering with another machine for another show like there's no tomorrow. Call him workaholic, but machines are his happiness. He can never be away from them. If there's machines that's broken or somewhat abandoned, he will take them and rebuild or maybe make another new thing. He's really passionate about his hobby, after all.

It's no strange occurrence when things like this happen, but usually they'll be the one who'll drag him away from the machines. It's unhealthy to work themselves to death, as their leader says. But Rui won't listen when he's too passionate about it.

For so long, he has been surrounded by loneliness. Before Mizuki barged into his life, he had always been pathetic and weak. He can't even stand for himself and no matter how much he tried to befriend someone, no one accepted it. And he has become numb to it after so long. He now doesn't care about what people's opinions are, or how he was mocked as the weirdo. He doesn't care anymore.

Yet that changed when Tsukasa entered his life and invited him to the troupe. It has a rocky start, but everything went as smooth as it usually can be. Even with them climbing another different kind of difficulty, they can all surpass it with teamwork.

It never fails to surprise him whenever the others are always back at him about how he's been doing, how he takes care of himself, and so on. It feels like he doesn't deserve it. But they all are willing to give him the warmth that he had lost from all those hard times in the past.

"Rui?!"

Speaking of which,

There he is. Their leader (it was self - proclaimed, but they all agreed to it(Tsukasa didn't know)) Tsukasa, was looking at him with a deadpan expression. Emu's eyes were sparkling with her mouth open, while looking at the machine he's making. Nene is just so done, she can only sigh in defeat.

“What did I tell you? We're going on a break so there's no show waiting! “ After all of their work, they're finally given a month of breaks. A little strange, given how the amount of breaks they get, it's weird. But they accepted it anyway, since they could use it for hangouts. A lot of hangouts

But that's not what we're trying to see right now, do we?

He chuckles. Always the ever concerned Tsukasa. Though not needed, they all might die sooner when he's never in his mother hen mode. It's always a good relief everytime Tsukasa steps in and would drag them away from something they overworked themselves up. Even Emu who did kind of overworked herself a few times without realising until Tsukasa steps in and just hugged her. And that's how you get an overworked Emu to fall asleep.

By the time he realises it, he was carried away from his machines and being put down in the audience seat. Though it's not Tsukasa who carried him, it was Emu. She's strong as hell. Nene gives him his water bottle before saying that she'll be helping Tsukasa cleaning up while he stays there with Emu.

A little unfair, but he enjoyed the times he was talking to Emu. He can also hear shouts and banter behind the stage, but he doesn't complain about it. Even with his machines that can potentially hurt someone or more, they're always careful about it and will be praising him like there's no tomorrow.

It makes him warm on the inside.

◇

Being an Ōtori is hard. Having to deal with her brothers nagging about how she's too childish and never wanting to let go of the WonderShow, even when their grandpa is gone. Her father will always disapprove of any of her childish ideas for shows.

Being rich is cool, but can it bring happiness if you're an Ōtori?

Fortunately, Hinata will always be with her. No matter how silly or childish her ideas are, she's always there to support, or even help her trying to achieve it! She's so cool!!

Yet, it's not always all about happiness or sadness. Not just those two alone. There's distress, fury, disgust, and much more. There's always something different.

Though being an Ōtori is hard, there's actually other things too.

Like her being the owner of PhennyLand's daughter, she can meet with Tsukasa, and then Rui, with Nene coming along. It's hard, but these three bring her happiness. She's not only happy to be with them, but she's happy to make memories with them! They're always supportive, too!

With Rui making her ideas and dreams come true, Nene singing her songs she loved, and Tsukasa putting her ideas in thoughts and giving her answers on what they can and can't do, it's so overwhelmingly sweet of them.

They might not know this, but they're her top favourite friends in the whole world. Even if she has so many friends, the troupe she's in will always be her safe place.

“Emu?”

Her daydreaming has come into a stop. She looked from behind and saw Nene, holding her console and staring at her.

Right. They're on a break. It has only been a few days, but it felt like it was just yesterday that they got a break. Even Tsukasa, their star, has begun to relax (she wonders how his energy went from kirakira to fuwa fuwa).

She hummed, looking at Nene with her clueless eyes. Nene sighs in relief, and smiles at her. She then lends her the console she's been playing with while waiting for the boys to finish whatever they're doing.

Emu raises a brow, but takes it anyway. From there, she and Nene have been playing with it as Nene teaches her how to play with the game she never plays. It was super duper doki doki and wonderhoy!! The game is so fun, even though her choice of game is not this kind.

“Girls! Sorry for the wait! Rui forgot something and we had to go back!”

Ah, it looks like they're back. Nene frowned in annoyance as their character died because of his loud voice startling her, and accidentally nudged Emu’s hand and the enemy defeated the character with ease.

“Oh how cruel, Tsukasa - Kun… You didn't even help! Yoyoyo…”

“Oi! You never told me the specific item!”

Nene sighs, but smiles at the boys bantering about what had happened. Emu couldn't understand Nene, despite being annoyed at how loud they are, smiling like it's peaceful.

Even if she can't understand people's perspectives, she doesn't care. As long as they're all happy (including her), she doesn't need to know about it.

♥︎

Everything works differently. No one can tell if it will succeed or if it will fail. But even if it fails, people can try to learn from it. Though some people choose that, mistakes are not supposed to happen for them.

And that was her mindset for the longest. She doesn't know how it can stay that long, but she knows the start of it all. It was because of that failed audition, that she succumbed into nothing but a weak and fragile little child.

For so long, she's been friends with Rui since they're neighbours and also because Nene’s the only one before who can tolerate him. As she became Rui’s first and nicest friend and audience, he became her safe place to rant and sing.

It has become like that for so long that, when they lost contact at middle school, they have no one to turn to. His friend and audience is not around to see his magic with machines, and her safe place is now locked and she cannot rant or sing as freely as she usually is.

But that changed.

It always changed.

Even if his audience is not around anymore, she makes her a robot that she can use to avoid interactions, so she can feel safe without him around.

And that changed, too.

That was her from before. Now, she has raised from her fear and is able to withstand any challenges she sees. Because now, she has her friends to help her overcome her difficulties. Her past self can only learn that, no matter how long she can wait, nothing will change without she herself making a move.

“Nene! / Nene - Chan! “

Now, she has become their troupe’s diva. The singer that can captivate the audience and make them sway with the emotions she puts into the melodies of her voice. She has become an actor who is perceived as the siren as her voice can attract attention with just a little bit of singing.

She smiles. Looking at the troupe that she oh so adored so much right in front of her, with their big stupid smile. She might be mean to the boys sometimes (Tsukasa especially), but no matter how much people will think her favourite person is Emu alone, her favourite persons are right in front of her.

And now, all those lonely times she spends alone becomes something that gives her an uncountable amount of happiness she will never get tired of. She will never be left alone again.

♤

Being the oldest is uncomplicatedly hard and strange. You need to be the guiding light of the youngsters, become the mature one, know what you're doing, and so on. But at the same time, you need to show them how and when to take a rest, allowing others to become childish too, and it's okay not to know what you need to do, because you can never predict the future.

It's a known fact that being alive alone is also a hard thing. But they all do it anyway for their satisfaction and curiosity.

Not Tsukasa though. His reason being is to satisfy others and fulfil their curiosity. Instead of it going to him, he'll make it so that others will have it first before him. Family, not blood - related family, friends, classmates, schoolmates, or even strangers, he will fulfil others first.

It doesn't matter how much he sacrificed for others. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone or disappoint them, it will be fine. It doesn't matter that he's hurting. He just wants others to be happy and well. He will do anything for those who he holds precious.

After what had happened to his sister, he won't be adding their parents’ burden even more with him. He will be a good older brother for his family. He will clean the house, cook his own food, do his homework, and be independent.

Even if that's him at 6 years old.

Now he's 17 years old. He will now be not only a good older brother, he will be a good senpai, an excellent student, a helpful person, and a good and mature leader. He will become that of a positive radiant that'll shine people's problems away. He cannot disappoint.

He can never show weakness, as that'll make him look miserable or people will pity him for it all. That means he cannot cry, he cannot show how he has bottled up his feelings for so long, he cannot show that he has at least gone to the plushie or virtual singers for comfort. None of that.

But even so, that won't stop him from caring about everyone. Especially those who are close to him in the present time. His troupe, who has been growing up alongside him, has been nothing but supportive and helpful to each other. He cannot thank them enough or make them gifts or make them speeches to show how much he has become too attached to them all. They're so bright, brighter than him that it makes him want to make them the brightest.

Even if they'll overshadow him, he doesn't care.

“Tsukasa… / Tsukasa - Kun…”

But even so, they're willing to shower him with affection and care that he never really had since young. The amount of it all was too much, he even cried once. No, there were many times when he cried about how much people cared about him. It was too much, but he selfishly wanted that.

And they're willing to give him as much as he wants.

The concerned look at them for him as he just cried about his flashback was sweet. He allowed himself to be open with them, and they were beyond happy that their closed off leader, and on top of that –friend, let them take a look inside his heart. It was so warming that they care for him as much as he cares about them too.

He shook his head. None of that matters, he thinks. But they matter the most to him. He never thinks about himself, so they'll be the ones who think about him. He will be reminded about anything he forgets and he is a forgetful person, and they wouldn't mind it one bit.

Everyone has become so nice to him, it feels like jewellery that no one can have it but him. It feels like he's their jewellery that people oh so adored and wanted. He's unlovable in the past, but he's loved now.

Note : It was finally done!!! I'm happy with the result anyway, so I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do!

And yes, it has nothing to do with my original idea, but you can see it soo...

[valasania-the-pale]

do you have any galadriel brainrot rattling around that you want to share? I'm especially fascinated by any/all galadriel & maglor ideas either in the third age, or otherwise...chiefly bc of your portrayal of them in "the final verse" is so interesting ...Or just, brainrot in general? Always love hearing your takes on things <3 <3 <3

Always.

If I'm focusing on her relationship with Maglor however, I think it may be funny to share that I don't think Galadriel likes Maglor much at all, but rather pities him. He is, arguably, the most wretched elf alive by the end of things, and a decent reflection of what she could have been had she made different, probably tempting choices in her life. Maglor chose something over goodness (whether that was family, pride, loyalty, or whatever, it kind of depends on your reading of him, but whatever it was, he prioritized that thing over being a decent person), while Galadriel was faced with the choice of her ambition and pride over goodness - and in her case, where it mattered, she chose right. She knows how that temptation can feel, however, and I would imagine that Maglor (and Maedhros, back when he was around) were and are very personal cautionary examples of where personal desire can lead when not tempered by wisdom and care.

You know, I like to think that it would be Galadriel to drag Maglor back to Valinor? Not because she likes him, or because she thinks he deserves it, but because my picture of Galadriel is someone who has seen so many loose ends left untied, between Morgoth's escape, the Valar leaving Middle Earth and its people in the lurch of Morgoth's hatred and warring, and the aftermath of the War of Wrath (e.g. Sauron was left unaccounted for, enabling all of the sorrow to come). Leaving Maglor behind means that the story isn't done, the elves will never fully leave, he'll just fade away into a vague sea-voice, an unending, quavering note, held past the point of breaking, never finished. I think that, where Elrond would honor Maglor's grief and choice, Galadriel would be just unimpressed and impatient with it all. "No, we're not doing this again, get on the damn boat. Mourn in Lorien if you must, but I'll be damned again before I leave you here."

I think it also stems from the idea that, by the end of the third age, I think Galadriel is tired of almost everything, tired enough that old grudges - however deserved - are just not worth clinging to. He's done awful things, but depending on how you read her, hasn't Galadriel also? She's either a bit player in the Silmarillion or she abandoned her family entirely - for someone so skilled, and who later (in her fading years) demonstrates such will and power, it implies a personal history of just generally keeping her hands off. And if she was hands-on, then she failed like everyone else. She's connected to everything intimately, so no matter the reading, there's pain and failure there. Maglor has obviously done more, but understanding doesn't come from equivalence, it comes from kinship.

And, I think the last reason she'd do it, is because Galadriel almost certainly knew Nerdanel. After having to endure Celebrian's situation, after Luthien's departure (and presumably the grief that caused Melian), and now having to face telling Celebrian that she'll never see Arwen again, I don't think Galadriel would just accept Maglor's self-imposed exile knowing it would harm Nerdanel as well. It would be one last, unnecessary tragedy to pile onto an exorbitant pile (and, in my headcanons of Galadriel's history, I like to imagine that she and Nerdanel had a connection of friendship for various reasons). There's a whole sub-narrative about mothers having to just accept the loss of their daughters in the Silmarillion (Earwen joins the list, and Anaire, and--), and if Galadriel has shown anything, it's that she strongly defies convention.

[lunawish]

✨ general portrayal notes for god's favourite princess and the most interesting girl ✨

in act i, she'll behave mostly like her early access self aka all the snark, all the sass, the brusqueness, and the dark humor. the released version dialed it down and whilst i do adore her in the released version, i love her early edge a lot more.

generally "good" aligned play through. i put good in quotes because sometimes you don't intentionally save the grove, sometimes it's just a byproduct of a selfish need for knowledge on how to get the damn tadpole outta your brain. i am also more than willing to explore "evil" playthrough dynamics (again, it's in quotes bc sometimes you don't slaughter the grove ... the grove slaughters itself bc kagha psionically tells people that you attacked her for idk executing a child???)

act i and early- act ii can be summed up by the words cognitive dissonance

i am much more partial towards her exile path versus her dark justiciar path — which means she frees aylin from the soul cage, defies shar, has a mental breakdown hair cut etc

i lean towards the theory of her hair being white after the shadowfell as a result of the pain and torture she endured. so in short : marie antoinette syndrome.

that being said, if i were to play her as dark justiciar the ending is still going to be her betraying shar. she'll free her parents and take them far away from the cities. it's due to personal discomfort that i can't fully commit to the route of her becoming mother superior.

i understand her canonical model and general consensus is that she's a white woman. however, on this blog she's portrayed as mixed race ( white and asian - wasian ) if a modern verse should arise. that being said, this will influence how i adapt her post-game and her finding her roots as a person.

my preferred ending is her saving her parents and then moving into a cottage. i don't believe the curse is entirely incurable and it'll bind her and her parents' fate to shar forever even into the afterlife but that'll be a whole post on its own because forgotten realms lore is messy.

though i also do very much adore the moonbathed adventurer ending as well! that's something i like more if she was romantically (or ever queerplatonically) involved with someone just so she's not lonely on the road.

also on the topic of religiosity: her powers are blessed by selune, yes. she's a "moonbathed" cleric, yes. but she's not gonna be a devout selunite. at least not for a while. for my default portrayal, in early act iii she will begin to dip into a few levels of ranger as she still understands the importance of her being the group's healer and because she needs to adapt to using a bow more frequently than she has in the past. after defeating the netherbrain she will fully transition into the ranger class, taking up the subclass of gloomstalker which allows her to use the skills she's learned as a sharran and reclaim them for herself.

introspection. so much introspection. she's having a crisis of faith every goddamn minute but she's trying to talk herself outta that crisis as well. so her internal dialogue is a whole mess (what it means is if i write you six paragraphs of her thoughts it's fine if you don't match length in fact if it's not natural for you to please don't ahaha)

body dysmorphia. it'll be a common topic relating to her whether about her wound/curse or her in act 3 about her scars, her body, her feeling unclean etc. plus, due to a lack of a coherent identity (her memories being literal chop suey at this point), she has a messy relationship with gender that she can't quite articulate but know it's There.

i'll be treating her like she's never had sex or kissed before because she's voluntarily wiped her memories, so she's gonna be a little cautious and nervous about it. the innuendos and sly remarks you hear her make is a front to keep the vulnerability of her lack of experience behind a hidden achievement (plus the body remembers traumas!).

there will be flareups where she isn't crying out or is noticeable to others. this is inspired by the fact in her origin, she doesn't always cry out and her companions don't notice her in pain. the moments where her wound flares and others know mean 1) it's excruciating and/or 2) she trusts the other person enough to express herself.

[ataraxiaspainting]

the joy i feel when i check the chrollo tag and see your username >>>

(seriously!! you capture chro’s yandere chivalry so well)

gasp!! he's back in grease jail for a little bit but i promise...... HE'LL RETURN!

to be honest i'm very new with this kind of stuff. i'm still learning bits and gizmos when it comes to writing (and even outside of that), but that's life, i guess. there is just so many possibilities when it comes to writing, especially in the thriller/horror genre (though i wouldn't really call the stuff i write really scary per say.......). the human psyche still has plenty of traits that our pre evolved selves did, be it literal with science (for example, being scared of closed spaces, aka claustrophobia, which can be hereditary) or in a more figurative sense (with self-discovery, facing your fears, all that jazz). writing things that make readers uncomfortable, at least in my opinion, is at least somewhat based in psychology studies. for example, the oedipus rex complex with norman bates from alfred hitchcock's psycho. even though sigmund freud is still public enemy #1 in my eyes........ the man did indeed spring up my love for psychology in the first place because his research goes into nature vs nuture (which i find one of the most interesting topics to read about), as much as i want it not to be true. but alas. we win some, we lose some.

i feel like mr greasehead over here is also just interesting on a psychological level. he has no sense of self whatsoever, so he always molds himself to fit whatever situation he is in. until he can't take it anymore... which is a concept horrifying in of itself. but mainly he keeps his composure, which makes for an interesting combination with a darling that A: wears their heart on their sleeve, or B: also tries to keep their composure and acts in a way similar to him most of the time. for the latter it turns into a cat and mouse game of sorts. the question is who the mouse is and who the cat is when it comes to mind games. unfortunately for a manipulative darling, chrollo is always the latter. for plot reasons.

hier encore darling is always on her toes for a reason, after all.

You feel an invisible pressure on your neck. It’s just a knot in my throat, you think to yourself, closing your eyes. The sight of his stillness gifts you a veil of comfort so thin that if anyone were to touch it it would tear. I’m not going to die. But you can’t breathe.

Your heart tells you otherwise. You can feel, no, hear blood pulse to the very tips of your fingers. Your feet tell you otherwise. They are cold. They hurt. They are adhered to the ground. Your arms and legs tell you otherwise. There is nothing but pins and needles all over. This is your chance, the little voice in your head says with blind reassurance. Who knows when you will ever get this chance again? Do it now, and be quick about it. But you can’t breathe. You can’t breathe, and you have to try your hardest to stop the hand holding your espresso from shaking and falling on you. 

babygirl is not okay. nuh uh. she'll return eventually though. much is planned for her, whether they are good or bad things. only time will tell if she gets a happy ending. very mean of me, i know.

back to what you said though, chrollo is many, many things. being genuinely chivalrous is not one of them. respect? he doesn't know her. he can be disrespectful when he wants to be when he's picking at darling's brain or when he snaps. he can pretend though. he can indeed pretend. even if darling calls him out on his bullshit, he'll never actually admit to it. smug asshole. unless he can push the blame to darling, whether that is subtly or not at all subtly. he knows that the human mind while isolated can be desperate and believe anything if broken down enough. that's where the real scare is, i believe. anyone can be broken down if the breaker is trying hard enough. be it yan chrollo with his darling, or poor darling unintentionally pushing him past his limit.

for now, all i have planned for him (aside from the yan chrollo requests that i'm working on) in a sort of analysis for him (it's very long sob sob). it will be broken down into the parts shown below:

introduction

darling character analysis

yandere MBTI (courtesy of god ddarker-dream's yandere MBTI)

unique qualities

strengths

weaknesses

daily life

punishments

quotes

conclusion

hopefully it will be done by mid to late january. but he has to wait for now. hence why he's back in jail. don't worry, he has feitan to keep him company. they'll rot away together. <333

[beneathwhoiam]

My mind wanders back to my house on the day my mother left, taking my sister with her. I'm sitting alone on the porch, staring out at the garden. It's twilight, in early summer, and the trees cast long shadows. I'm alone in the house. I don't know why, but I already knew I was abandoned. I understood even then how this would change my world forever. Nobody told me this-I just knew it. The house is empty, deserted, an abandoned lookout post on some far-off frontier. I'm watch- ing the sun setting in the west, shadows slowly stealing over the world. In a world of time, nothing can go back to the way it was. The shadows' feelers steadily advance, eroding away one point after another along the ground, until my mother's face, there until a moment ago, is swal- lowed up in this dark, cold realm. That hardened face, turned away from me, is automatically snatched away, deleted from my memory.

I try to feel what she felt then and get closer to her viewpoint. It isn't easy. I'm the one who was abandoned, after all, she's the one who did the abandoning. But after a while I take leave of myself. My soul sloughs off the stiff clothes of the self and turns into a black crow that sits there on a branch high up in a pine tree in the garden, gazing down at the four-year-old boy on the porch.

I turn into a theorizing black crow.

"It's not that your mother didn't love you," the boy named Crow says from behind me. "She loved you very deeply. The first thing you have to do is believe that. That's your starting point."

"But she abandoned me. She disappeared, leaving me alone where I shouldn't be. I'm finally beginning to understand how much that hurt. How could she do that if she really loved me?"

"That's the reality of it. It did happen," the boy named Crow says. "You were hurt badly, and those scars will be with you forever. I feel sorry for you, I really do. But think of it like this: It's not too late to re- cover. You're young, you're tough. You're adaptable. You can patch up your wounds, lift up your head, and move on. But for her that's not an option. The only thing she'll ever be is lost. It doesn't matter whether somebody judges this as good or bad-that's not the point. You're the one who has the advantage. You ought to consider that."

I don't respond.

"It all really happened, so you can't undo it," Crow tells me. "She shouldn't have abandoned you then, and you shouldn't have been abandoned. But things in the past are like a plate that's shattered to pieces. You can never put it back together like it was, right?"

I nod. You can never put it back together like it was. He's hit the nail on the head.

The boy named Crow continues. "Your mother felt a gut-wrenching kind of fear and anger inside her, okay? Just like you do now. Which is why she had to abandon you."

"Even though she loved me?"

"Even though she loved you, she had to abandon you. You need to understand how she felt then, and learn to accept it. Understand the overpowering fear and anger she experienced, and feel it as your own-so you won't inherit it and repeat it. The main thing is this: You have to forgive her. That's not going to be easy, I know, but you have to do it. That's the only way you can be saved. There's no other way!"

"But I still don't get it. You're telling me my mother loved me very much. I want to believe you, but if that's true, I just don't get it. Why does loving somebody mean you have to hurt them just as much? I mean, if that's the way it goes, what's the point of loving someone? Why the hell does it have to be like that?"

I wait for an answer. I keep my mouth shut for a long time, but there's no response, so I spin around. The boy named Crow is gone. From up above I hear the flap of wings.

You're totally confused.

[softpine]

Ok I know this sounds bad but man…I find Elaine kind of annoying? Like, she does come off as very immature to me and it’s bothersome to see so many people translate that into innocence and…blindly defend her (especially the Austin haters). Elaine has flaws. She’s nosy. She doesn’t know when to stop. She doesn’t think far ahead. Yes, she is kind and funny and seems very sweet…but she’s flawed. I just wish people would look at her more critically like they do with Austin instead of trying to make her into a “perfect victim”. I’m blowing up Austin haters with my mind.

tbh... for every 1 austin hater there are 3 people condemning an austin hater. he's not getting nearly as much hate as people think he is jfksjds but the beauty of literary analysis is that everyone connects to different characters, so i'm not going to try to change your mind (i wouldn't want to even if i could, your interpretation is your own), i just want to share my thought process!

re: elaine having flaws. i agree!! i put a lot of care into making sure that each character has their own issues. i'm glad you see flaws in elaine, because they're there to create conflict. she is immature. sometimes her actions are completely unjustified, because my goal is to humanize every character, not to either endorse or denounce their actions. humans make confusing decisions when emotions are involved. another thing i do is put characters together who have flaws that will multiply in each others' presence. elaine is trusting and naive to a fault, she'll dig her nails into something before she lets it slip from her fingers, she's insecure in every way, and she has a very specific, fairy tale-esque view of her life, which she'll try desperately to make fit even when it doesn't work. she's 17 and she acts 17. austin is the opposite: he's realistic to a cynical degree, he thinks his life is shit and it will always be shit, but he's confident (sometimes annoyingly so) in his own abilities, and he has very little patience for trying to figure people out; tell it to him straight or he won't even try to understand. he's 18 but he's acted like an adult all his life. each of their flaws, which on their own wouldn't be so drastic, are compounded when they're together. austin himself is aware of their differences:

when previously, austin thought it was cute how elaine could be endlessly whimsical and care so deeply about other people, now he's wondering if maybe those traits are born from a lack of self identity. elaine interprets it as austin thinking she's "stupid" when that isn't the case – "stupid" is how elaine feels about herself. i also think it's important to note that austin knew exactly who elaine was when he asked her out. he likes her personality and that includes her flaws. (i don't want to go too far into detail because after just 1 more scene you'll hear it from his own mouth). it's only in moments of conflict that these personality traits take on a negative connotation.

the same concept can be applied to the scene we just saw. elaine's flaws (being too nosy, taking things personally when they have nothing to do with her) are compounded due to stevie's flaws (closing herself off out of fear, every emotion feels BIG because she was never taught how to deal with them). suddenly, elaine's interest in stevie's relationship is a bad thing, when previously stevie joked about it and had no problem with her meddling. let's be real, stevie and matt NEVER would've dated for as long as they did if it weren't for elaine's meddling. there were no consequences for those actions in the past (stevie never told her to stop) so she didn't even see it as a flaw. it's only now she's re-thinking everything.

my point with all this is that of course elaine has flaws. i don't feel that the narrative gives any extra credence to her flaws than the other characters. you will never hear me say that elaine is without fault, but she deserves just as much understanding and sympathy as austin does. they're both so very young, they have their whole lives to learn and grow 💖

[unironicironic]

Tears of the Kingdom ramble go brrrrr

Okay so goes without saying but this will have spoilers. If you'd prefer not see any spoilers then scram and go watch someone play the game (I personally recommend Quinbobin, dude's energy is fucking immaculate, he's not done with the game yet but he's in the last stretch)

But man I just wanna ramble about TotK, I'm still debating on replaying the game to really soak in more but it's been marinating in me thick skull for a bit and man do I have a bit I wanna say

Oh my god and then in that final tear/memory when Zelda takes it upon herself to swallow her secret stone despite the many warnings from Mineru that if she's to do that, there's no guarantee she'll be able to return to her former self. That takes alot of guts to do, throwing yourself away knowing fully well that you may never be the same after if there's even a sliver of hope that things can turn around and your people will be safe. The buildup was something else entirely, it starts of fairly calm, with it having bits and pieces of the BotW/TotK ost, a little of her lullaby sprinkled in, and then builds intensity as the scene goes on. Kinda like signifying that, again, she's doing this all for her kingdom and for Link. When she finally swallows the stone, it cuts to silence (save for the ambience), which kinda jars you and makes you see that hey, something's about to happen. As she begins to go through the draconification, it starts strong with her lullaby, progressing further and further into sounding more and more sinister, dark, going silent again as she tells Link to protect everyone and holy SHIT if that doesn't give you goosebumps I don't know what will. While I'm on this, I might be just reading into it too much but it almost sounds like her screaming (albeit kinda distorted) underneath her roaring as the dragon that second time she roars. Almost like that was the last bit of her in there, before she finally "lost herself" as Mineru warned her that she would

Tbh just about all of it was god tier imo. The visuals, the characters, all of it. Were there some things that could've been improved? Ofc, there's no real perfect game but fuck did this one come close

I could go on and on about just about anything you throw my way about TotK, but the real star of the show (to me anyway) is the soundtrack and all the little details in everything. I've always believed that the main three things that make or break something is the characters, the plot/story and the soundtrack. I've also always loved when there were these little details that gave whatever media it is a little more oomph. And DAMN did TotK have a banger of a soundtrack and was it packed with details

One of my favorite lil details with the soundtrack is when you're through with the Tarrey Town quest, you're able to make a house for Link, right? Cool cool, you get to do a bit of a Sims type beat, which that in itself had me giving mad props to Nintendo. And folks have been getting hella creative with their layouts, I saw this one person make their house look like the triforce if I'm not mistaken? It was cool as hell, there's a good bit of freedom. But the detail, if you listen real closely, the song that plays when you've got your house up and you're meandering around inside, it's the theme for when you're inside a building in Ocarina of Time. We already knew that there's gonna be lil nods to past games since in BotW there was a shitton already but they really bumped that up a few pegs in TotK

Another one of my favorites is in the cutscene where Rauru uses his power to keep Ganondorf on lock, as he's telling G-Money that eventually Link will come whoop his ass and to "remember his name," the main fucking Zelda theme starts playing which honestly just adds so much more fucking power to that cutscene and it had me tearing up hearing the main theme playing in the background. On that same note, in I think the last phase of the fight against Ganondorf before he swallows his stone, there's a huge throwback to BotW and you get those lil motifs of the blight battles

Yet another, at the end when you're going to catch Zelda after she turns back into her former self, the main theme for TotK is going. Cool, strong, fucking awesome right? As you get closer to Zelda, her lullaby starts playing and oh my godddd I was a mess, but then you throw in the main Zelda theme after as you're prompted to catch her and at that point you can see why the game is called "Tears of the Kingdom." Because it makes you cry, alot. At that point it's like you're coming full circle, before now you'd never failed to save Zelda, you'd always saved her before until now when you failed to catch her in the beginning. So with it starting with you not catching her and then ending with you catching her, it's like you're making up for that failure and I absolute adored that

Kinda on the same note about the soundtrack, I think the other temples (minus the spirit temple) had the same sort of thing going but I definitely noticed divine beast/past champion themes going for the wind temple. It's not that obvious until towards the end when you've got most of the terminals, then you start to really hear motifs to the Vah Medoh theme and Revali's theme

SPEAKING OF I noticed Tulin taking on a very slight Revali-ish attitude, even the npc's had noticed and took note of it. And if you think back to Age of Calamity, in one of the cutscenes, Tulin tells Revali that he wants to be just like him once he's older, while yes I know AoC isn't technically canon it's a cute as hell thing I noticed and can't help but have a huge ahh smile on my face thinking of. Lil Tulin's growing up, and he's starting to take after his role model, fuckin adorable

There's a shitton more lil details and references but I'd be here all day if I were to attempt to mention them all

While there's def a good few positives for this game, there's also a couple negatives imo. It's mostly just personal issues but I'm sure a few folks might agree with me

So first up, why did they have to call them secret stones? It's so damn hard to take things seriously that way. It makes it sound almost like some children playing pretend. Literally anything else could've been good, much better than secret stones. Especially because the same ol phrase gets repeated over and over again when the new champions/sages learn about what happened all those years ago. It gets so repetitive man

Speaking of champions, it seems a bit like they completely forgot about the past champions and the calamity. Like nobody mentions it, save for a couple npcs for side quests, and there's no memorials from what I can tell aside from the occasional stone Zelda dedicated to the casualties, Mipha Court in Zora's Domain, and some other things but that's just about it. I get that eventually life goes on but something about them seemingly forgetting entirely about them just rubs me the wrong way. And the divine beasts, what happened to them? I've heard a couple theories that it was because they were afraid another calamity would take place and they'd get possessed all over again so they took them down, which makes sense but it'd have been so cool to see them just in the background somewhere with the scenery, withering and decaying to the sands of time. Of course they wouldn't have to be explorable, but it would've added so much more oomph imo

And don't even get me started on some of the dialogue. I mentioned the stones thing, but there was some other lines that just, eurgh. Prime example is from none other than Ganondorf himself. At the end when you go to give him a good beatdown, he goes on this sort of monologue. Which is all fine and dandy, he's a villain after all, that's what villains do. But then he goes and says shit like "weak, peace loving cowards" and that "the world should be shrouded with darkness and not bathed in insufferable light"?? That makes him sound like an angsty teen trying to sound cool and edgy, I physically recoiled a bit. Not your finest moment, G-man.

Last but def not least, they really missed out on bringing back malice. I dunno, I just feel like calling it gloom really takes away from the overarching darker tone of the game. Like having it be called malice again would really sell that TotK is a bit darker, malice sounds more life threatening and harmful. Meanwhile it being called gloom just sounds more like you're describing how the weather's gonna be that day. Plus I just think malice spawn sounds much cooler than gloom spawn by a long shot

Overall tho pretty solid game. I rate it an Uncannydorf out of ten

[frazzledsoul]

So I've been thinking about Gilmore Girls lately because I've been playing Love and Pies on my phone (hardcore gamer I am not) and it's come to me that since it's been almost as many years since AYITL as there was between Gilmore Girls and AYITL and I'm closer to Lorelai 's AYITL age than I am Rory's that maybe I understand her a bit more.

AYITL is Lorelai's midlife crisis: she's basically settled, but she realizes she wants more out of her life, but she doesn't know what that more is. Over the past few years I've been more apt to heavily criticize her, to not even really want to ship her and Luke together and I feel I've come around on that, even though I have a much bigger problem with her transgressions than I think other fans do.

What used to bother me is that in between the OS and AYITL she seems to have emotionally regressed into who she was at the beginning of the OS. She likes her life and she's comfortable with who she is and she doesn't want to change and she doesn't really want to think about how things got to how they are. I think this is a bigger deal in AYITL because in the OS Lorelai was young and Rory was her main priority and she could not have accomplished what she had if she had focused on her love life. In AYITL, Lorelai completely blew up her relationship and her life for a chance at the happy ever after she thought she wanted so much, and it blew up in her face. So when she reconciles with Luke, she basically...gives up on her goals and life plans, and doesn't think about it. Even when she goes into self-reflection mode and is in actual therapy, while she'll say that Luke is the love of her life and she never should have married Christopher and refers to their relationship completely in the past tense, she can't say why she never got married.

Even more confusing is her attitude towards Rory, the central subject of the show. Rory in AYITL is an absolute mess. She's chosen to make herself homeless and jobless, blows up every professional opportunity she's given, is hooking up with her engaged ex boyfriend....and Lorelai doesn't seem to care about most of it. When Rory announces that she's planning to get a cushy apartment in one of the most expensive cities in the world to work on a book project no one is paying her for, Lorelai freaks out when she hears Jess is involved and that Rory plans to tell the entire world her darkest secrets. I'm not saying her anger isn't justified (it was) but even before Lorelai knew what this book was about, this kind of sounds like a terrible life plan. And that's the closest Lorelai gets to being at all concerned about Rory's very bad decisions.

I didn't understand all that then. I didn't understand why it took so long for Lorelai to think about these things, things she was very concerned with at the end of the OS, why even when she thought about them she didn't seem to want to understand the why of it all. However, now that I'm close to her age and having personal and financial issues of my own and thinking more about mortality since my stepmother died a few months ago, I get it. I was on autopilot through much of the pandemic years, horribly sick and depressed and lonely a lot of the time but also just....accepting that this is my life and I can deal with it. At a certain point, you get old and you figure this is the best you're going to get and not to push too much harder.

So I can understand why Lorelai didn't, why even knowing she had a very limited amount of time in which to accomplish the things she wanted (marriage, babies, the conventional life plan) she chose not to pursue them. As you get older, it gets harder and harder to reinvent yourself. Maybe this is why she doesn't push Rory harder. She knows that it didn't take much to run Rory off the last time she tried and she wants to keep her as close as she can.

I used to think it would be easier if there was a why when it comes to time standing still for so long between the OS and AYITL. Maybe Luke and Lorelai didn't have babies because of infertility or a miscarriage (a plot I would not trust ASP to write). Maybe Lorelai agrees not to ask Rory about her personal life because the last time she tried Rory brought up 2006 and told Lorelai she has no right to judge her (okay, that probably did happen). I've spent a lot of time writing fanfiction to explain many of those things, just like a lot of us have.

However, sometimes there is no why. Sometimes stuff just happens.

None of this is to say that I think Lorelai's life was tragic, or that she needed marriage and kids to be happy, or that her relationship wouldn't "progress" unless she reproduced again. I also believe that in AYITL that Luke's "no, I do not want to start this parenting thing over from scratch" is a complete sentence and should be respected. However, I think I understand now....a bit more than I did before.

[fag-on-goth-action]

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

🙊 SPEAK-NO-EVIL - what is something your oc will refuse to stay quiet about?

🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone?

for all your OCs <3

🔪

ok so all of them but wes has dealt with that. so this is easy

Lilith- denies it happens doesn't put herself at blame and acts like nothing changed

Marr- shuts down and does a lot of stupid things to fix it but makes things worse

Am- takes all the blame feels guilty and then inflicts the same pain or what she thinks is equivalent pain upon her self

Wes- drinks. a lot.

🙈

oh this is easy they r all hiding sooo much

Lilith- the fact that she's a trans woman obvi but she is trans and queer and all that shit as Lea so that's a cop out. Hers is how she has never truly processed things. ever since she got bit the years have blurred and she doesn't know 78 from 09 well because Am had the same haircut or whatever and she thinks she's been going crazy for so long she's horrified about how bad it is

Marr - Ever since she got cursed to be unable to do the things she loves ( makeup, hair, acting, singing ) she has acted really chill about it and she knows that she hasn't done them in so long so she's fallen out of love but god when things get bad she will cry for hours after trying to sing a song. it devastates her even if parts of that curse have become regular parts of her life, like her makeup being messed up is part of her brand, some days she wants to just look classically pretty and she wants to feel like the woman she used to be and it breaks her.

Am- Context is in my world vampires acquire parts of their greatest fear and desire. for this you gotta know Am's biggest fear is dying alone and without true love. she has taken refuge in platonic bonds but oh my god the day she found out Wes was her soulmate she broke down. She was incapable of having the love of her life ever. she said she would never meet her soulmate and if she did she would kill them, but you can't kill another vampire as a vampire. it's an act only witches or humans can do. And then shit, they are best fucking friends. the worst part is Wes is bound to her until the world ends. he will never experience love that is true, and because Am is always around he's constantly subconsciously comparing his romance to how he feels for her, which is impossible to beat. she can't tell him.

Wes- he's my least fledged out little guy but oh my god he is so incapable of anything past first base and like that wasn't a part of his curse! he doesn't know what's up he just can't feel a lot of things for people man. only time he remembers being good at sex was with Am but she's probably a sex god or something. he can't figure out love and it's pissinf him off

🙊

Lilith- she seriously needs to stop talking about how she helped with jfk in bars she's gonna get arrested soon

Marr - one of these days she'll finally get someone to believe her and be sober enough to see her magic in clubs shes sooo bad at hiding being a witch

Am- WE.DONT.CARE.YOU.WERE.AT.9/11.SO WAS EVERYONE ELSE IN THSI HOUSE AM AND YOU RAN LIKE A PUSSY WHILE WE WATCHED

wes- im so sorry shut up about yr highschool band it was soooo bad u did violin covers of beetles songs

🙉

Lilith- the details of what happened to marr when she was deported and had to live in russia from 57-73. that would break her so hard.

Marr- What happened to the kids who cursed her

Am- Where her brother is ( she thinks he's dead )

Wes- that his fuckinf band sucks shit

okaaayy that was so long sorry but i'm on mobile i cant do cut :(

[4evernerdyy]

I haven't written in so long. Oh so long. Writing is how I release so much. So, here I am.

I want to write again, and I'm going to. But first, I'm going to trauma dump some situations from the past decade. My mind needs fully cleared and refreshed.

The last time I was on Tumblr, my husband's ex made one right after me. I had tweeted about what blogging site was everyone's favorite, and Kristen Rose directed me to Tumblr.

Everyone who has ever known me knows, I have always loved reading and writing. I read Great Expectations FOR FUN at the age of 16 one summer on my papaw's porch. All my life growing up, I wanted to be an editor or photographer, but my family pressured me to try the medical field.

HEAR ME WHEN I SAY- I didn't get on Tumblr just because my husband's ex use to have one and then made one when I did. Do you know what "narc" it is to assume everything is about YOU? Take a look at me and my life- I've always been a reader and a writer, but I guess one can hope they're that significant to someone. Ha.

One thing an ex should probably realize and get over is that a man probably has an interest in two women because they most likely have SOMETHING in common- especially style. Food for thought, aka a commonsense course to begin the meal. Geeezz.

But that's just it- blogging and using Tumblr became a warzone. Idc what the ex says- she was in competition. I would get anon posts all the time degrading me to no end. I actually still have the emails where she sent me messages on Tumblr as herself when we first got together. No ex that sent me messages telling me how she felt about me and "her man" getting together is going to tell me she was never jealous. No "woman" that has ever messaged me and said "you don't know him like I do" is going to tell me she didn't feel some type of way about me. WHATEVER. Commonsense.

On top of the messages I was receiving, she was also writing blogs about me or degrading me on Facebook with memes and statuses (all of which I still have) that she didn't want to come out and directly act upon, so she thus deceives the masses with passive aggressiveness that she can manipulate. Like, how are you going to write blogs about a man's dick, write blogs about his new woman and her "childhood life", write that a woman has STDs that ajax can't wipe off, write blog after blog about someone and then call yourself a victim? I just can't. She acted like she had the right to say and do whatever tf she wanted just because he "cheated on her with me". Which, back to common sense, he "cheated" but homegirl wasn't upset, mad, or jealous to have started any kind of her own shit? SURE.

She also tried to write blogs about what a whore she thought I was since she tried telling everyone we had an affair to make herself an even bigger victim. He didn't cheat on her with me, but I'm telling you what- ask me today if I'd care if he had. Most of the people that would be judging me for that probably has 3 kids, a husband, a boyfriend, an OnlyFans, AND a Sugar Daddy to boot. But, anyway, according to her, he cheated, and she felt nothing. She's above that, I reckon.

She calls herself a victim because I was exposing her lies and wasn't nice about it. She probably shouldn't have been writing blogs about me. That's how that works. Especially lying about me in her blog. Yeah, sis. I corrected you. Called you a few names while I did it. What of it? She's grown. She acted how she acted. She talks about Karma all the time and how people get what they deserve while complaining all the time. Maybe she got what was lined up for her... Maybe she should consider that. Maybe all of this she's such a "victim to" she brought upon herself but the narc can't admit it.

Cause see, she's so narcistic and full of herself, she admits to nothing. No hand in any of it. She's just a victim to me. She acts like she wasn't the reason I sat in a shower once crying for hours and self harming. But hey, she'll answer to that when she gets to the gates. She can lie and deny it all she wants, I would too. I wouldn't want to admit to myself I made someone do that.

For ten years now, she has been posting blogs, statuses, or memes to degrade me or get the public to join in. She doesn't get to decide if what she does hurts someone or not. I get to decide that for me. Despite what she tells herself and others, she has been one hell of an ugly human being to me. If she really wanted me to stop, all she had to do was stop herself. But she didn't. Still hasn't. She feeds off the attention she gets when she whines.

Like, you don't get to get in a comment section on Facebook and write that I was "caught" peeping in your windows stalking you when I was literally born with cataracts and think you're not getting a clapback? Who does that? Again, where is commonsense? AND IT'S A HEFTY LIE TO SPREAD ON SOMEONE for someone who considers herself an innocent victim. I can't see in anyone's windows, bitches. HAHAHA. Check my medical record. For years I wasn't even allowed to drive at night and literally only got enough right on my driver's eye exam to barely pass. WTF?!?! Like everyone who has known me since birth and been around me hasn't literally watched me stuggle my whole life. The only people who would even consider this would be people who don't know me. But that's the point- attack my rep as much as possible since I'm a business owner. Cause trying to say I threatened to rape her and trying to get me on the sex offenders list didn't work for her. (Her daddy might be sheriff, but I can afford a lawyer who filed conflict of interest ;) haha ) She's crying I tried to ruin her reputation and bring her down. You know, because I was so jealous my husband "cheated" on her with me, left her, sold his assets to do IVF with me after MARRYING me..... makes perfect sense. Yet, she is the one who tried to VICIOUSLY attack her ex's wife's reputation to the next level, not me. 1+1=2.

Cause that's just it, it is a LIE. Literally have the paperwork where she took me to court. Never once did she tell them I was peeping in her windows. She did try telling them that I drove by her place of work, stopped in the road revving my engine at her, and she had a panic attack so bad they called her an ambulance to the 911 center where she was a dispatcher. We were in court, the time to prove it, and she had no proof. No ambulance bill. No witnesses. No video coverage from the 911 center. Because I'd also be stupid enough to harass someone at a 911 center. Good gravy. HAHAHAHA.

Jealously is a literal basic emotion. Every human has felt it and still does. Why tf are people so stupid that they eat her Facebook posts up where she is like, "I have never been able to understand jealously. I am only ever nice to people." Yeah, that's what I'd say too. Haha.

And let's talk about that jealously- She claims I "copied her" in everything she does. I was listening to rock and punk music, reading books and writing, and dying my hair colors long before I knew she existed. As far as cars, my husband literally owned a white 06' Subaru STI from 2006-2022. He bought me one to match, a 15' Subaru WRX. Two weeks later she ordered one and told everyone I was copying her. Sis, we had HIS AND HERS. I had mine FIRST. Actually, I had TWO before she had ONE. Somone mad? My husband bought a 2016 grey Tacoma. Two weeks later she was on Facebook right next to one. The dealership was posting her new grey Tacoma buy. Literally have the timestamps to this day. Just ask me. I'd love to show you. Am I jealous of her house? A simple Google search will tell me she lives on a very small plot of land vs the 5 acers I live on. A simple Google search will tell me I paid $55,000 more for my home that has double the square footage of hers. Let's talk about the fact that through the ten years of all of this, she's also had an engagement ring she claimed was the same brand as mine, but her "Vera" was missing that blue stone.. ;) It looked just like mine, and definitely came AFTER mine since she got with the dude well after I was married. Then, when I got a new one to *not* match her, so did she. I got married in 2012 in a black wedding dress with colorful hair on a holiday. About a decade later, she got married in a black wedding dress with colorful hair on a holiday... Again, not only do I have pictures, but they're also timestamped. Actually, I'd love for anyone at all to slide up and ask me about all the things she did AFTER me that are timestamped. Cause, I'm just not buying that I was reading her blogs and watching her Pinterest and "beating her to it". HAHAHAHA. Sis, how did I beat you to a ring and black wedding dress if you weren't in a relationship when I got engaged and married a whole ass decade before you? INSANITY.

She would literally write endless blogs about how I was obsessed with her and wanted to be her. She claimed in her blogs that my husband didn't love me, that he was abusive to me, and that he stalked her. Then, she claimed I stalked her too because he was so obsessed. Writing all that makes her so innocent, doesn't it? I wanted to be like the woman my husband supposedly cheated on?? I'm smarter than that. Nah, sis. I think you wanted to be more like the woman your ex cheated on you with, sweetie. Commonsense creeping up on us again...

Unfathomable that she claims she did nothing to hurt us or try to split our relationship/marriage up.

And honestly, I feel sorry for her. She has continuously written about my "childhood" and how I "grew up", so I assume she won't be mad at me for doing the same. Her mother is awful. Was awful to her. I know for a fact she compared her to me. It isn't really me she's mad at. It's her mom. But, her mom has her so codependent/narcissistically wrapped and warped that she can't escape her... So, I get blamed. She throws all her pain and suffering from her mother at me because she is too cowardly to face the real issue. I wish I could tell her I am sorry her momma told her I was better than her. I'm sure it was her messed up way of deterring her daughter from someone she didn't want her dating. Or so she says, says her mother and father never wanted her with Steven because he had drug addicts in his family and was oh so toxic.

And that's another story to all this- My husband and her had a massively toxic relationship. I still have all her blogs where she's written about him and her other ex from that time period. I have the Facebook comments she leaves under things where she now talks about how both her HS relationships were oh so toxic but none of them were bad people, they just weren't compatible. HAHA. Let's talk more commonsense again..

And here's something she might want to remember while posting she can't understand how people get online and try to "expose" and degrade others- she use to write online about Steven's poor sick mommy and how she couldn't take care of her home.. while she was with Steven. However, it is only everyone else in the wrong when they do things.

So, a person only knew toxic relationships and none of it was them. They just happened to find their self in these situations? No. I'm going to have to guess that if a relationship before Steven was toxic, then a relationship with him turned toxic as the result of a person not knowing much about relationships since they just kept repeating toxic ones that they could write attention blogs and posts about... We've all had to hear about how the man she's oh so happily married to now even abused her. We've had to hear all about the shadow work they've had to get to this paradise she pretends she's in now. BUTTTTT I'd say that's the part no one wants to talk about.

And still to this day the poor thing is like, "I AM A VICTIM OF TRACI ROBERTS BROWNING!!!!!" Literally to anyone that will listen. All this time later, crying over her ex from HS and his wife... Suppose to be happily married, moved on, and healed. But still posting.

And here is what I need everyone to understand- I don't regret what I did nor am I sorry for it nor do I feel shame about any of that. I know what has been said and done to me and what I've walked through. I have no regrets for not bowing down. I don't regret calling anyone names. I don't regret being mean through a world of pain I was suffering. Because there is so much more not discussed here. I've only discussed what was written or said about me, and even then I only wrote such a tiny fraction of it. I don't regret anyting because no one is sorry for my pain. My pain is DENIED. Have you ever had someone go to their profile and change every single picture caption to why they're better than you? It's not fun. If I said something back that hurt someone's feelings, oh well. Because still to this day she lies about having ever hurt me or causing me to harm myself.

Still to this day she makes posts.

[psychomanix]

I am a deeply complicated person on the inside. I have the worst times trying to tell people how I feel because in the past, almost constantly, was it swept aside for someone else's problems to be heard. Over time, no matter how many times people say they care, deep down, I don't believe that, ever. Based on past experiences, it doesn't make sense that someone would actually care when constantly shown otherwise by people throughout my life, even family, especially family.

I don't deserve anyone's time, attention, or love, as that's been shown to me not to be something people would willingly give me. I'm not a good communicator, I'm not good at being empathetic, and I have terrible comprehension skills. The best I can give is good hugs, hearty laughs, and delicious food.

I wish I was different, i wish some people actuallycared about me..... actually, I wouldn't say that, because yes, some people do care about me, but I don't know, I just wish I was different and fit into the cog of the machine of this universe. I wish my brain functioned like a regular person without mental illnesses. That way I didn't feel so fucking stupid half the time when I don't understand where others are coming from and actually comprhened what's being said straight up instead of reading between every line.

I wish I wasn't filled with so much self-hatred... life would be immensely easier if I actually thought highly of myself because then I could stand up for my inner teenager and child. They're severely damaged and deserved more than they were even given. Even just the benefit of the doubt would've been a blessing, but no, they weren't even given that. They didn't fit the mold of my family, so they were constantly judged for not being someone someone else wanted. Told constantly they should be the opposite of who they are in fear the family would be judged for not raising the perfect offspring they so gladly paid for.

To many, I am just a good time they can use to benefit their own life without ever considering my own wellbeing. "Oh, Kat? she's a really good listener, but we don't care if she has problems too. She'll have answers for us, but we'd never in life give her any answers back or even a listening ear." Over and over and over again, I'm assumed to be strong, assumed that my life is just a party to be a part of. Assumed that my problems are nothing other than small benign dramas that don't deserve even the time of day.

No friends genuinely check in on me anymore, what the fuck is up with that? I'm constantly the type of person to check in, and make sure I can do anything within reason to make sure a person feels better, but I don't get that in return? Their problems always will be bigger than mine? what? because I'm not the normal person who would deserve that kind of time? what the fuck is it about me that keeps people close, but not close enough to actually care about what goes on in my OWN brain?

I don't feel safe confiding in anyone anymore without thinking... no, knowing that it just matters ever so slightly, but never enough to take the time out of their day just to hear what I'm going through inside. I'll always be someone people get but don't understand. I've never been shown otherwise, or that's how it feels. I could be wrong..

All of these feelings feel redundant anyhow because low and behold, I make people feel this exact same way..... and it just cancels out my own distress. I can't keep putting my feelings on a back burner due to fear, but when will I feel safe enough to take them off that burner? because I still don't feel safe to do so and probably never will.... I'm constantly draining my own sense of self-worth because it's just easier caring about others and forgetting myself in the process. If people can't take genuine time for me even though they say they are, why should I even give an inch of that care back to myself? I don't feel I deserve it because most people my whole life have never made me feel like I do.

"Life is a garden. With care and love, you can cultivate beautiful flowers." - Author Unknown

thought to end my thoughts with a positive life affirming analogy because why not?