#i have more thoughts about this but i can’t really articulate them right now

[thereigning-lorelai]

seriously starting to get annoyed by people equating sad and tragic endings with meaningfulness. happy and/or hopeful endings don’t mean less. they’re not silly or less impactful. i'm just really tired of people telling me that the tragic ending is more romantic or beautiful or interesting or that the main character needs to "learn" something from the loss of a loved one.

[sapphic-storm69]

Lord have mercy on me, for I know not the path ahead nor what it looks like but may my soul persevere. May it strengthen me when I lay broken. May it pick me up from the rubble and dust me off and may it look into my shattered eyes and say “you are more than you know”. May it give me light when the sun cannot, may it power me through the nights when I stare into the abyss and feel the dread so ancient in my bones rise, and may it bleed into everything I love. May it leave a story of my life even when I am gone.

[reblive]

An except from Eric’s journal that i’ve thought about often as of lately. I have no place to put my thought so I will speak on here. No intent for discourse, I just have no outlet to speak on this matter. If this is not the space for you, just don’t read it. I don’t really care to hear anything.

“Society may not realize what is happening but I have; you go to school, to get used to studying and learning how youre "supposed to" so that drains or filters out a little bit of human nature. but thats after your parents taught you whats right and wrong even though you may think differently, you still must to have more of your human nature blown out of your ass. society trys to make everyone act the same by burying all human nature and instincts. Thats what school, laws, jobs, and parents do If they realize it or not and them, the few who stick to their natural instincts are casted out as psychos or lunatics or strangers or just plain different. crazy, strange, weird, wild, these words are not bad or degrading.. if humans were let to live how we would naturaly it would be chaos and anarchy and the human race wouldnt probably last that long, but hey guess what, thats how its supposed to be!!!!! society and goverments are only created to have order and calmness, which is exactly the opposite of pure human nature. take away all your laws and morals and just see what you can do. if the goverment was one entity it would be thinking "hey, lets make some order here and calm these crazy fucks down so we can be constructive and fight other goverments in our own little so called self created "civilizied world" and get rid of all those damn insticts everyone has" well shit I'm to tired wright anymor tonight, so until next time, fuck you all”

In some way in pains me to see the way he felt about the world and the wrong doings of those around him. If you take a second to sit and read what he’s saying it’s like part of his authenticity comes out and then transitions back to switching to speak to the audience and how he wanted to be seen. I can’t always articulate in words the feelings I get when I think about him but it’s genuinely always painful. He was so hurt, and described his pain, but still shadowed his true feelings of distress for the audience. He cared about what other people thought about him even in his writings, and it’s so disheartening that he was that broken and plague by the environment he was in. I take time to consider how people cannot feel empathy for him and I understand it due to the situation at hand (obviously) however, considering how he was 17 years old writing this, he was just a kid. He was once how we all once were, innocent and compelled to continue on the paths of our lives the way that the nature of society intended us to. It really goes to show how fucked up he had it. This draws me back to the butterfly effect, was there one decision by himself, or inflicted upon him by others that brought him to where he ended his life? Empathy is a theme he seems to disregard in his journal entries, and quite frankly, all of media and the world deems him as un empathetic because of his writings. We didn’t know how he thought of himself in his head, we didn’t know the guilt, destruction, and true pain he went through that was genuine. I find this a reason why there is much more weight put onto him within his person. “It’s only a tragedy if you think it is, and then it’s only a tragedy in your own mind.” (7/29/98) I suppose this is how we all (who empathize with E&D) feel and can relate to.

Thinking too much about his pain these days and what he once was and how he became what he was. Being truthful and honest are two different things. Being truthful, factual, what he did was terrible. Being honest, feelings, I have so much pain in my heart for how he was feeling. There’s nothing anyone can do now (whom empathize)

[angelic-sturniolos111]

The Right Words 🧸

Chris begins to question his opinions on commitment and relationships after being close friends with you for months. Chris’s feelings for you have grown stronger, but he can’t quite articulate his affection for you. Instead of using his words he makes a romantic gesture to show you how he feels.

chris sturniolo x fem! reader

warnings: none, just chris being super shy and fluffy

author’s note: kinda inspired by stuff he’s said ab relationships and how “too much love” kinda scares/intimidates him

not proofread lmao

Chris’s POV:

Matt had invited Y/N to come hang at our house while we record our podcast episode for the week. It wasn’t unusual for Y/N to always be around, she was our friend, but I hadn’t opened up to my brothers about how I truly feel about her.

She moved to LA a few months back and we all met her at some influencer party, and she hit it off with us immediately. First, it started with the four of us going out to record content, going bowling, thrifting, things like that. Eventually, we all grew closer with her and she started hanging out at our house a lot more, and often sleeping over. The first time she had slept over was after Nick and Matt had already gone to bed, and since she didn’t want to wake them she slept in my room with me. After that night I guess my room became the unofficial-Y/N-sleepover room because she has always spelt in my room every time since.

I immediately found Y/N attractive when we met— she’s a very pretty girl. I’ve always had closer girl friends in my circle, and even if I think any of them are pretty, my feelings never go beyond that— it’s always platonic. I know part of that is because they just weren’t the right girl for me, but another part of me knows it’s because I don’t let myself sit in those feelings. I’m scared of commitment, relationships, things of that sort. Sure I’ve hooked up with a few girls in my day, but I’ve never had any serious romantic feelings for anyone.

Until Y/N.

That first night she slept in my room we stayed up for hours talking about everything from our favorite hockey teams to deeper emotional stuff. That became our routine when she would sleepover… always the last ones awake, and always having long in-depth conversations with one another. What started off as friendly, platonic feelings for her quickly changed after many nights spent late night talking.

As much as I loved our late night talks I honestly wanted more. I wanted early morning talks, afternoon talks, and to just be with her every second of every day. I wanted to hold her, spoil her, kiss her, and call her mine. I thought I would never feel this way about anyone before, but she makes me feel things I’ve never felt— she’s everything to me.

I recently came to the conclusion that keeping these feelings buried was starting to drive me insane, and I had to open up to someone about it.

Matt and I were currently getting in his car on the way to pick up Y/N. Before Matt put the car in drive, I spoke up;

“Hey, can I talk to you about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately? I just really need someone to talk to about it.” I say sheepishly. Matt’s eyes leave his phone to meet mine, and he instantly put his phone down giving me his full attention.

“Yeah bro of course. You can tell me anything. What’s up?” He says concerned because usually this is the other way around. Matt opening up to me about his issues. It was rare that I ever had anything on my end to discuss.

“Well it’s just,” I pause, hesitating if I should even continue. Matt puts a hand on my shoulder comforting me enough to move on.

“I have serious, and I mean serious feelings for Y/N.”

I’m not sure what I was expecting in response, but it wasn’t this…

He started laughing. LAUGHING. In my fucking face.

“Okay why are you laughing? Is something funny about any of this?” I say now a little pissed off that he wasn’t taking this seriously.

“Oh man, no no I’m sorry I’m not trying to be rude. It’s just… SO obvious.” He says and continues to laugh.

“WHAT?! IS IT REALLY?” I yell. Oh god, I hope Y/N doesn’t know and I’m not making a complete ass out of myself.

“Yes! Nick and I talk about it all the time. You may not realize it but you NEVER stop talking about her. “Y/N said this funny thing last night,” “Y/N really likes this movie,” “You know one time Y/N” Y/N Y/N Y/N. I swear every god damn sentence you utter her name leaves your mouth.” Matt mocks, but before I can interject he continues;

“Jesus not to mention the way you stare her down whenever she’s in the room. Nick and I are always laughing about it— like when he’s editing our videos and we can see that you looking at her constantly whenever she steps behind the camera? Or when we went to the beach that one time!? You saw Y/N in a bikini for the first time, and we saw you grab the towel to cover your lap because—”

“Okay OKAY! Alright, I get it! I’m not as good as hiding my feelings for her as I thought…” I cut him off before he can continue to blabber about it any more. Matt comes down from his laughing fit.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be mean. My point is is that we’ve never seen you like this with anyone before, and it’s really sweet.” Matt rests his hand on my arm reassuringly. “Well, we told her we were on our way to pick her up. If you want to I can text Nick and we can come up with some sort of excuse to leave so you guys can have some alone time together and maybe you’ll be able to talk with her about it?” He suggests.

“Yeah… it’s the talking that I’m scared of.” I look down and play with my hands in my lap. “That’s the problem. Like you said, I’ve never been like this with anyone before, and I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. If you haven’t noticed I’m not necessarily the most romantic person ever.” I say with a sigh.

Matt looks around the car seeing if anything might give him an idea. He sees the gummy worms in the center console from the last time we filmed a car video and picks them up to show me.

“Okay, candy? What about candy?” He says as if he just made some sort of scientific breakthrough.

“Kid, what the fuck are you talking about? Candy?” I laugh, completely confused.

“Yeah! We can swing by the store and you can get her her favorite candies and snacks, and you guys can watch a cute movie together or something? If you can’t tell her how you feel maybe you can show her through your actions.”

I thought about it for a second, and it honestly wasn’t a bad idea. I knew her favorite candy, snacks, movies, all that stuff. I know she loves comfy blankets for movie time. She also complains about not having a stuffed animal for her to cuddle when she sleeps over, and she usually steals one of Matt’s. All these thoughts came flooding into my head at once, and suddenly I had the best idea.

“Okay, I got it!. We’re going to need to stop at the store before we get her. You and Nick distract her when we get back to our place, and then find some excuse to leave. I have the perfect plan.” I say excitedly.

An enormous smile grows on Matt’s face. He clicks his seatbelt, and before he can back the car out of the driveway we see Nick striding out the door to the car. Matt rolls his window down.

“What the fuck are you two still doing in the driveway? I thought you were getting Y/N?” Nick says.

“Bro get in the car you’re coming with us we’ve gotta update you on Chris’s love affair!” Matt says jokingly making me laugh. Nick just rolls his eyes, and climbs in the backseat.

***

Y/N’s POV:

Chris had given me a call earlier to tell me that their manager, Laura, needed Nick and Matt for something at her house tonight so it would just be the two of us. She had apparently given them a call on their way out to pick me up so they were running late. Honestly, I was a little nervous that Chris and I would have the house to ourselves. I was always comfortable being alone with him in his room, and I’ve always hoping he’d take one of these nights to make a move. In my head I tried to convince myself he hasn’t made a move yet because his brothers were always home— worried they’d barge in and interrupt or something. I’ve had a HUGE crush on Chris, and I wasn’t super hopeful that he felt the same way because he’s never been a relationship type of guy. Plus, he always has girl friends, and I’m worried I probably just fall under the friend category in his eyes.

Finally, I see headlights shine through my front window and look to see Matt’s car in the driveway. I grab my purse and head out the door and open the car door to climb in the backseat. I was surprised to be met with Chris in the backseat, and Nick in the front with Matt.

“Fancy seeing you in the back. You’re never back here.” I say getting in my seat and clicking the seatbelt.

“Umm yeah, I— um.” Chris starts before Nick cuts him off.

“He was taking too long in the store so I hopped in the front.” I see Chris raise his eyebrows slightly at Nick, giving him a weird look.

“I didn’t know you guys went out. What were you getting?” I ask.

“Um just toiletries and stuff. Needed some, uh, shampoo.” Chris says shrugging his shoulders and breaking out eye contact. He seemed tense, but I brushed it off.

***

We pull into the driveway and I get out of the car making my way over to the trunk. The three boys get out and stand awkwardly behind the car with me.

“Did you want help bringing the stuff in?” I say and there was silence as the boys just awkwardly stared at each other, and then at me. “…From the store?” I continue.

“Oh no Chris’s got it. Matt and I wanna show you the updates we made to the podcast studio, come on!” Nick says grabbing my arm and leading me up the driveway to their front door leaving Chris behind to get stuff out of the trunk.

Matt, Nick, and I go inside and they immediately go upstairs to their studio, and I stop to hesitate at the bottom of the stairs.

“Should we wait for Chris?” I say. Matt turns around to look at me, and then shoots a glance to Nick.

“No he’s slow as fuck. Come on!” Nick yells. I laugh and make my way upstairs.

Matt and Nick start showing me decor and stuff around the studio. It honestly wasn’t anything that I haven’t already seen before, but I kept my mouth shut because it seemed very important for them to show me again. As they blabber on I see Chris run swiftly past the door, carrying a bunch of shopping bags, and going into his bedroom slamming the door. I became even more suspicious to his weird behavior.

Matt and Nick went on to me about the podcast episodes they were planning to film, but I was barely even listening since my thoughts were elsewhere. I’m snapped out of my daydreaming when Chris comes in and stands in the doorway.

“Okaaaay! You guys have to go to Laura’s, yeah?” Chris asks his brothers.

“Yes! Yes we do. Matt let’s get going!” Nick says to Matt and they eagerly start walking out of the room. Matt turns back and gives me a smile, “Have fun!” He says. Matt then gives Chris a pat on the shoulder before him and Nick make their way downstairs and out the door.

Why the hell were they all acting so weird?

I take a step towards Chris as he remains blocking the doorway.

“So, what do you wanna do?” I question, and a smirk creeps up on his face.

“I actually have a special movie night planned for us.” He says with that sweet smile of his I love so much.

“What makes it special?” I ask. He grabs my hand, making my breath hitch in my throat slightly at our touch. He leads me to his bedroom. Was this it? Was he making his move? I didn’t necessarily think he’d be so bold as to bed me right away, but I also wasn’t complaining. I thought to myself before he proves me wrong. He opens his bedroom door and leads me inside, and I smile big once I see what he’s done.

His bed is full of pillows from both his room and the spare bedroom, and they’re covered in a huge blanket. There’s another sherpa blanket on the bed with a cute teddy bear on my side where I usually sleep. On his nightstand is a bowl of popcorn, and bags of my favorite candies. He had turned his ceiling lights off and had fairy lights draped over his headboard illuminating the room. Also lighting the room was his TV which had one of my favorite Disney movies cued up ready to watch.

Chris steps back as I walk around the room taking it all on.

“Chris! This is so sweet!” I gawk as I jump into his bed and wrap myself in the softest blanket and he follows suit. We lay in his bed together in silence for a moment before he grabs the teddy bear and handing it to me with a smile. I take the bear from his hands and wrap it tight in my arms.

Chris’s POV:

“Chris, what’s all this for?” Y/N asks looking at me with her beautiful eyes.

I knew that she’d ask why I went all out. I had ran a couple scenarios of her possible questions in my head, and embarrassingly enough I may or may not have practiced what I was going to say with Nick in the car earlier…

“Well, it’s for you.” Duh? Chris I think that’s kinda obvious you dumb fuck. I don’t think any amount of practicing could’ve prepared me to face the prettiest, sweetest girl I’ve ever met in my life. I could feel my heart beating faster with each passing moment. She smiles, her eyes softening, and she scootches closer to me.

“You did all this for me? Why?” She asks sweetly. I knew she’d love the surprise, but also knew she’d be confused.

I really tried my best to prepare for this talk, but I was still so nervous. I didn’t know what to say.

I take a deep inhale before starting the conversation.

“I— I did this for you because I wanted to. Well I mean obviously I wanted to or else I wouldn’t have done this. What I mean is I want to show you what I think of you. Or, I mean, how I feel… and I— ugh.” I sigh and burry my face in my hands now completely embarrassed from my nervous rambling. “I don’t know how to use my words.” I mumble into my hands.

I feel a soft, gentle hand on mine pulling it slowly from my face, and I’m met with Y/N as her eyes lock on mine. When my hands are back down in my lap she reaches her hand up to gently cup my cheek, not breaking eye contact. Her eyes flicker from mine down to my lips, and back up to mine before speaking;

“Then don’t use your words…”

I bring my hand up to lay on top of hers cupping my cheek, and I lean in to her touch. I bring my other hand gently to the nape of her neck and pull her closer. Her face is mere inches away from mine. Our eyes breaking contact and moving to our lips. She slowly closes her eyes, and I pull her in fully and plant my lips on hers.

Her lips were soft. Sweet, even. They molded perfectly with mine as we kiss. The kiss is gentle and eager at the same time. I’ve only ever dreamed of this moment, and I can’t believe it’s finally happening.

We pull away from our kiss, our foreheads still touching. I open my eyes first to look at her, and when she opens hers a sweet smile creeps on her lips making me laugh softly.

“Hi.” I say in a whisper.

“Hi Chris.”

“I really like you, Y/N.”

“I really like you too.”

She pulls me in, this time with more force, and plants a passionate kiss on my lips.

We continue to kiss for a moment before I pull back.

“Will you be my girl?” I ask.

She smiles, nodding her head feverishly before bringing her lips back to mine and throwing her hands around my neck.

I’m in heaven.

**********

I honestly didn’t know how to end this and I’m kinda cringing but oh well.

Happy Thanksgiving y’all! 🦃

— Kay 🖤

[lurkinggirlie]

Elain & Azriel are EndGame

Azriel’s bonus chapter: semi-essay on my thoughts

This post will be a long one. The shipwar has been going on for far too long, and there's a possiblity that we'll be getting closure soon. So, I want to put my thoughts out there. For Obvious reasons, I could be very wrong, but this is what I think based on canon text: (Ignore any errors..I haven't edited this, and I'm sure there are many posts like this that are way more articulate)

Elriel are endgame. If they’re not then Azriel is kinda pathetic and having him end-up with anyone else is bad writing and character assassination. (Which we sadly won’t put past sjm but I don’t think she would..at least I hope)

1- Elain has no other love interest. Yes, Lucien is her mate but we have hinted at a broken/rejected mating bond for the longest time when it comes to these two so having them accept it eventually is going to be quite underwhelming, repetitive and boring. Even Lucien seems to have given up/isn’t interested in bridging that gap between them, which we’re told in both acofas and acosf. Unless you want to count the longing pointed out by Cassian, although Cassian also pointed out that Lucien was also uncomfortable when he mentioned his mate. To add on, there is no sexual tension between the two, and we know how important that is for sjm’s couple. You can't keep whining "but Elain isn't giving him a chance, if only she gave him a chance, then maybe this and maybe that" Elain is not a seprate entity, she is what SJM writes, Sjm could have written that but she did not yet and I'm not sure if she will. It feels too late at this point, she had already shown us that Elain has feelings for someone else aka Azriel. The author doesn't have to spell everything out for us to understand to what's going on. Sarah usually makes it clear who's endgame. and she literally is. So, it would be very sudden and out of the blue if Lucien and Elain were to end up together when she had never shown it before. When even Azriel pointed this out “I think Lucien will never be good enough for her, and she has no interest in him, anyway” people can say Rhys killed elriel, that the bonus chapter ended them. But this line right here tells us otherwise! First we know Azriel and Elain can read each other so well that they don’t need words, and then Azriel tells us this. He’s literally telling us that Elain does not want Lucien.

We also cannot compare elucien to Feysand or Nessian in the “enemies to lovers" department, because these two seem to hardly care about each other. For obvious reasons she wouldn’t accept or reject Lucien in a book that isn’t hers. But if they do end up together I’d feel robbed that she had more sexual tension with Azriel than she did with Lucien. And we know that Nessian and Feysand had sexual tension before getting together. Most of what we got from Elain and Lucien was awkwardness, and discomfort. Not a single spark. Furthermore, it would feel like Azriel was just leading Elain own. Plus their romance (Lucien and Elain)  would not feel organic, only getting with Lucien because she felt rejected by Azriel, which doesn’t give epic romance no matter how sjm tries to spin it. It would always make Lucien seem like the second choice.

2- Azriel regifting the necklace was a dickhead move, and offensive to both girls. Anyone thinking the regifting of the necklace ended elriel or started gwynriel is delusional and clearly doesn’t know how the romance genre works. (should’ve thrown the gift in the Sidra like Cassain did) I can’t believe Rhys isn’t paying Azriel enough that he felt the need to return the necklace to the shop instead of throwing it. Senstive Illyrian baby indeed. 

3- Rhys saying stay away from Elain (can we take a moment to appreciate how sexy Rhys was for pulling rank, he really made the ship more interesting now) and Azriel actually listening to him?? When he told him you can’t order me to do that. shit would be underwhelming if Azriel actually stayed away? Hello? Secret relationship potential ? Hello? Forbidden romance potential  ??? The tropes would be epic. Sjm had never done that. And I’m not saying she will, but this is how I see it playing out. + Azriel saying it was a mistake to Elain, and Elain apologizing?? The fact she was confused/hurt and probably thought she misunderstood the whole situation? SHE IS BABYGIRL?? Regardless, Azriel saying it was a mistake and it being a mistake is NOT it. This is not how romance works most of the time. This is such a basic romantic trope, why are a lot of people misinterepting it? Elain deserves better, and sjm isn’t about to hurt Elain’s feelings without making it up to her. And she’s definitely not making Azriel end up with another girl before he fixes that shit. I will be needing a proper apology to Elain.  

4- Whenever people think of the bonus chapter they weigh in Azriel’s feelings far more than Elain’s. It’s clear that Elain and Azriel’s feelings are MUTUAL, ignore the bonus chapter and it’s right there in the actual book. I don’t think Elain got the memo that Azriel had  a conversation with another girl after he hurt her feelings which made him realize he’s in love all of a sudden. *sarcasm*  that would be very out of character for Azriel. 

5- His chest sparkling at the thought of Gwyn getting the necklace was so??? I have been saying he’s for the streets and yes this was out of pocket. So, I understand people shipping them. However it could mean anything really, you can't continue saying that Gwyn in the bonus has to mean something, and that that spark must mean somethig but continue to disreagrd every single Elriel interaction like they mean nothing. Because for it to be taken as romance we’d have to ignore the beginning of the bonus, the feysand’s bonus acosf/acomaf/acowar and acofas. + we could easily take this in a platonic way, which is how I viewed it when I read the bonus. Not everything has to be romantic. And sjm will NOT introduce a new guy to make him end up with Elain since we already established Elain doesn’t want Lucien and Lucien doesn’t want her either. 

6- I know that a lot of people have theories about Gwyn being a lightsinger and all of this happening because of her powers (While I do think this is very smart, it wasn’t something I thought of so I won’t talk about it). I do think it’s possible, and all the theories I saw were really cool but idk where sjm is going with this, so to make it simple I do think it could be because she’s his student, she went through a lot it could simply be platonic happiness that a girl who went through so much is going to be happy about something. Even if it was a secondhand necklace specifically picked with ANOTHER girl in mind PLUS I do think sjm wanted drama, and for people to doubt elriel cuz now they have all these obstacles, so Gwyn would be the easy choice, but the second choice regardless. The relationship would feel icky and I genuinely cannot see the potential gwynriels keep talking about. I would take the ship a lot more seriously if a) he didn’t regift her another girl’s necklace b) there was more to them in the actual book. c) he wasn’t still upset about it 3 days later… 

7- There’s a high possibility Gwyn never even got the necklace..

He gave it to Clotho not Gwyn, he didn’t want his name mentioned, and then said if any other girl would like it to give it to them: the aim was to get rid of Elain’s necklace. It’s sort of a parallel with Cassain throwing away Nesta’s present.

I think it’s possible that Azriel went there because he knows how much the girls in the library have suffered, especially since his mom did too, it's possible he thought "okay this is a pretty necklace, I don't want to hold onto the reminder of what could've been, so instead of throwing it let another girl be happy about it. At least it won’t go to waste”

Clotho could tell there was something wrong, like maybe she sensed the energy and decided ayeee let me keep this aside for him, he might come back and ask for it. 

The bonus did not happen at the end of the book 

If Azriel was truly in love with Gwyn now /or he wanted her/ or more between them was going to happen/ or they were mates according to some theories we could have AT LEAST gotten more after the bonus. 

We know the bonus happened after solstice.

Nesta mentions that Azriel was stone-faced and more aloof than usual, he wouldn’t even give her a smile. That was 3 days after the necklace situation. I think it would’ve been a great opportunity to highlight any attraction between Azriel and Gwyn.

Maybe he sees the necklace around her neck, maybe Nesta and Emerie compliment Gwyn’s necklace, or Gwyn telling them she doesn’t know who it’s from, maybe they tease her that someone might have a crush on her. Nesta could’ve pointed out that Azriel was looking at Gwyn’s necklace.or looking at Gwyn in some sort of way. Literally anything. 

Anyone pointing out the way Azriel and Gwyn looked at each other. A charged glance perhaps. Literally ANYTHING. We only got him looking at her with admiration which is very teacher coded. 

If sjm hadn’t made Nesta realize Azriel had a thing for Elain then maybe gwnyriel would’ve been more appealing to me. But no, Nesta noticed. This doesn’t mean nothing people.

aside from that we got nothing romantic, but a part of the fandom still acts like we need to exile Elain because she’s coming between Gwyn and Azriel’s epic love story.

Not everyone has access to the bonus.  

The Azriel chapter was only in ONE store in the US, but Feysand’s bonus chapter was in 3 stores in the US and UK. I don't know but something tells me it’s more important.  Soooo if SJM would do a love interest switch she would not do it in a bonus chapter, and wouldn’t be highlighting the Az/Elain interactions in ACOSF as much as she did. 

Feyre’s chapter focuses on Elain, it literally tells us Elain is next once we’re done helping Nesta. EASY MATH. and the Azriel bonus also focuses on elriel/Azriel’s feelings. ENDGAME MATERIAL RIGHT HERE. 

But the girls swear up and down that Gwyn and Azriel’s book is next because of a secondhand necklace. 

Let’s assume elriels are the delusional ones (like so many of them say), how do we explain these. 

Casual readers who usually read books and aren’t on the internet and aren’t looking for bonus content (wish that was me)  (lord knows I skipped every bonus chapter in throne of glass and crescent city and I wasn’t confused about anything. Not even once) so they’d expect answers for 

The Charged glance between Azriel and Elain

Azriel following the sound of Elain’s laughter. 

Elain looking away when Azriel smiled at her during family dinner, Cassian god bless him that idiot could NOT piece all of that together. BUT it was still highlighted through his POV ???

His secret to tell never hers (and we do learn of that secret in the bonus but people who didn’t read it could only guess so they’d want a confirmation) and sjm did say in one of her lives that Nesta learns of one of Azriel’s secrets (she looked all giddy about it)... and that Azriel is going through some shit right now…and we learn why from the bonus chapter. 

Cassian being confused that it seems like Azriel moved on from Mor

Nesta pointing out that Elain moved on from Graysen

Cassian wondering why Elain is lying about where she’s going. (I viewed this as her avoiding Azriel but idk) 

Azriel’s protectiveness of Elain. He gives mate behavior without the mate part. (I will hit him on the head though omg let my girl do something)

Elain willing to look for the troves even when Nesta wasn’t, the girl wants to do something  (her journey is coming next) 

Nesta wondering if Elain is training with Azriel or the twins (who are spies that were trained by Azriel !!!) 

Feyre telling Azriel that Elain got him beat for secret keeping. Sure it might sound delusional but Elain keeps being compared to Az/being a spy and maybe this could be a thing. 

Elain speaking back to her sisters about them treating her like a child?? Hello finally 

The way Elain’s mother only treated her like a pretty doll which shaped up Elain’s whole life??? I want this from Elain’s POV sooo bad 

In conclusion, we’re not pausing Elain’s story so Azriel can end up with a side character in a spinoff about an og side character, we’re sticking to our og side characters for now.

Azriel being over Mor because of Elain, and Elain moving on from Graysen because of Azriel only for Elain to get over Azriel to be with Lucien (who we got nothing from aside a mating bond..) and for Az to get over Elain and questioning fate for her…only to end up with gwyn…like I don’t think anyone could take Azriel’s feelings seriously if this happens. Shit will be too goofy.  Because if he ends up with Gwyn who says he won’t move on to the next pretty girl he sees afterwards.

To add to that, what plot would we have for Azriel and Gwyn. We'll get more Valkyries training, more healing journey so the plot would have to be paused for this. Nesta’s book was mostly about her healing journey and friendship, while it was nice I don’t want a repeat for the next book. Especially since we know the Rite took a toll on Gwyn, she went back to the library, wasn’t even sure she would make it to Nessian’s mating ceremony. This doesn’t give the protagonist of the next book to me. Or "I thought it was pretty obvious"

Elain’s healing journey had started in ACOWAR, she got her friends in ACOWAR. Now is their TIME to do something!! She is next. 

Closing thoughts on what I think would happen based off each ship happening: 

If elriel happens = new sjm couple dynamic/interesting plot. Fresh sjm protagonist that is unlike sjm's others + we don’t ignore all the foreshadowing and hints. We follow the love triangle we set up in the og trilogy + finally get a rejected mating bond. And instead of warrior training we might get spy training and instead of physical power (as far as we know) we get something more mental. Again this is very new for sjm + there’s a lot to Elain’s power that we don’t know and since Azriel was the one who found out what she was, I think it would make more sense for him to know how to help her. Imagine the sexual tension during training..yes please. I hope sjm doesn’t rob me. Elain is really mysterious, we got Nesta’s inner thoughts before her book but we still haven't gotten a peep about Elain’s inner thoughts and I’m just dying to know more. AND THE STAKES!

1) Rhys forbidding Azriel from Elain, 2) Elain’s mating bond,3) Azriel’s self doubt and how he doesn’t think he’s good enough. 4) The blood duel and the political mess we could get into. (Lucien probs won't but what if Beron would, the breeding potential, A seer must be a powerful thing she can see things others can't and I think that’s valuable. If Eris thought Nesta was valuable as cauldron made and there was no potential there, so The Autumn court probably feels even more entitled to Elain) We have high inner and outer stakes. I have a feeling SJM will fumble all this potential but a girl can dream 

If elucien happens = another successful mating bond + “enemies”  to lovers sort of but they won’t ever be mean to each other so maybe not enemies, just dislike and awkwardness to friends to lovers?  We ignore the hints about a rejected bond and in mating bonds we trust. We also ignore all the elriel hints, and their mutual feelings. We follow the love triangle set up in the og trilogy. I don’t think Lucien could train her in anything? Maybe self defense, Idk Sarah could pull something, but I don’t see Elain leaving her circle of friends but neither do I see Lucien settling in the night court and leaving his own friends. There are no stakes but Elain’s and Lucien’s awkwardness around each other + Elain’s feelings for Azriel. Elain’s and Lucien’s plot connects though so at least there’s that, SJM could ship them off on a mission together and make them get closer. Forced proximity sort of thing. 

If gwynriel happens then = we lost the whole plot, ignored the foreshadowing and hints found in the actual book. Mentor to lovers, civil with each other. Azriel has to move on from Elain first though and that could be icky. Healing journey, more Valkyries training. So we pick up from where we left off in acosf, and we’d see Azriel trying to get her to come out of the Library, or he goes to visit her there until she agrees to come out again. Maybe if Gwyn is a lightsinger then idk more training with Azriel? Again, no stakes but Gwyn’s trauma and Azriel’s self doubt oh and also his feelings for Elain. But that’s it, Gwyn as of now does not connect to the overall plot with the troves (she’s not made therefore she can’t use them) or koschei. So I don’t see us making her go on a mission like that. I’ve seen a lot of gwynriles saying Gwyn has spy potential idk where, but she could barely keep a secret for Nesta so I highly doubt she’d be keeping secrets for the IC. 

Ps: the original koschei plot is 3 sisters marrying 3 very powerful wizards and like idk 3 sisters 3 brothers…we can have a retelling ya know 

[graysnetwork]

Hiiii I saw your Keegan work and I must say I love it and I was wondering if you could write something with Keegan where he and s/o having an argument and how they make up

Hi!! Ty for the compliment 🤭🙏🏼 this was such a good idea!! 🫶🫶

(Not my gif obvi) (but my man)

So usually you two don’t argue, it’s very rare, but it’s doesn’t happen sometimes

He would probably get upset with you if you had done something a bit risky, like being close to an edge of something with no railing,

or almost touching fire by accident, things like that

But one day you found his guns and you checked them out and one of them was loaded in case of an intruder

And you didn’t realize and Keegan found you and got mad that you were snooping through his things

You started getting mad at him for not telling him about the guns

You two were obviously just mad in the heat of the moment and you weren’t that upset you just wanted answers

He cut you off in one of your sentences and said “y’know what, im leaving, I’ll be gone for a while” or “I can’t do this right now sweetheart. Im leaving” and he would give you a quick peck on the lips hoping you would get distracted

But it only made you even more upset

He left for a few hours so you made dinner and put some food in the fridge for him

While he was gone mid drive to the park to cool down, he realized how dumb the argument was and he wanted to apologize to you for not telling you, cause you were right (ofc u were)

But Keegan’s really awkward about all that stuff cause he’s “always right” and he’s “bratty” as you say

So he wouldn’t really know how to tell you “I’m Sorry, you were right”

So he went out to go get you flowers and a card, cause he’s better at writing then saying it to you (he’s better at saying how he feels in letters and card then saying it to you cause he shy and doesn’t know how to articulate anything)

And then he went to the park to let himself cool down and think for a while

When he got back home you were just coming out of the shower so he left your flowers and card on the kitchen island

He decided he would try to apologize to you, face to face, but when he to your guy’s room you completely ignored him

“Don’t ignore me sweetheart” is what he’d say but you just continued getting ready for bed

He just sighed and accepted that you would act like this since you were upset, so he went to his last resort… in the kitchen

….

He tightens the jars in the kitchen so you have to ask him for help

It’s the only way he get you to talk to him when your mad at him but it works every time

And you never realized which he’s so great full for

And then the next day you wake up, go to the kitchen and read the card Keegan wrote

“Y/n, I realized you were right and I’m sorry about not telling you about the guns, the only reason I have them is incase something happens and I just want to be safe. I just never thought that you would need to know about them, and it was stupid of me not to tell you, because you could someday need to use it. The argument was stupid and I was wrong, im sorry honey, can we please just talk and work this out? Please forgive me sweetheart”

Btw he’s a very good writer, he loves writing

Anyways

Back to the head cannons

You smiled at the letter and the flowers he got you, but you weren’t going to wake him up yet, so you decided to make breakfast.

And you needed help unscrewing the pancake batter (like the one that u shake)

So you had to go into your guy’s room and ask him for help

You shook him by his shoulder till he finally woke up “hm? What’s up” he said rubbing his eyes, you held the mix out and said annoyed

can you open this for me” and he took it and opened it for you, to put some dramatic affect you crossed your arms

You weren’t mad at him but you wanted him to think you were cause you weren’t gonna let him off that easy

“Thanks” you said when he opened it and left the room, he just smiled to himself, hoping you would cool down soon

He sat up in bed and grabbed a bright pink sticky note off of the night stand, it read “hurry up and brush you teeth, so you can eat with me handsome”

You had made a note for him and left it when you came into the room ☹️🫠

[sibylsleaves]

I think buck has to be gently led to his feelings. They can’t be pointed out to him, bc then he’ll just shrug and go “yeah sure I’ll incorporate that into my belief system”. He has to be coaxed. Like a first grader being told to sound out the word for themselves. That or he has to be slapped in the face with a moment of feeling so hard that it can’t be misconstrued, denied, or ignored, idk. What do you think?

yeah actually i have put a not-inconsiderable amount of thought into this because I don't think anyone else can point Buck's feelings out to him. (I feel like Maddie knows this and that's why she's so like. CAREFUL about the way she talks to him about it) Like at the end of the day he has to realize it for himself but literally.....how???

like the prospect of losing Eddie to death (the shooting) has not done it. the threat of losing him to someone else (girlfriend, Tommy) has not done it. so. how is Buck going to get there when like a solid third of his brain is dedicated to upholding the scaffolding that Eddie is his Best Friend and that he's perfectly happy with the way things are?

To me I think it needs to come out of an arc where Buck is forced to really think about his future and what he wants. It's something he's really struggled to articulate and put together for the past 7 seasons, and I do think it's something he still needs to work on. I'm not saying everyone has to have their lives and their future perfectly figured out at age 33 (I don't) but Buck has some things that he genuinely does seem to want and he has not been able to even say them out loud, because that makes the prospect of not ever getting them that much scarier.

For a long time he was searching for a place to belong and never thought he'd find it until he landed at the 118. And it DIDN'T just automatically fall into place, it did take work and it took him growing up a little and maturing into it, and also making it a place where he belonged, by being a lifeline for Bobby, and a brother to Hen and Chim.

Then he got his sister, the one person who showed him unconditional love throughout his life, and crucially he got Eddie--a real partner in every sense of the word. Now I think he finally does feel like he belongs and he has this really wonderful life and people who love him and I think he's just telling himself that's all enough because it literally is more than he ever thought he'd have. And he's afraid to say what he wants beyond it because what if he never gets it? What if he has to live his life disappointed that he didn't have more than this already really amazing thing he's managed to build?

So yeah I think at a certain point Buck needs to be brave and name the things that he wants in life, even if he doesn't know if he'll end up getting them. And I think in order to do that he has to be forced in some way to really look ahead to his future in a way he's consistently shied away from, or tried to sort of co-opt (like when he's trying so hard to prove himself as interim captain, because he's basically latching onto something concrete to pursue in the wake of his break-up with Taylor and letting go of a relationship and a future that wasn't right for him).

What that looks like and what forces his hand...well, I have some ideas!

[polyklok]

Omg omg i love your writing!!! No words can describe how much I love it!

Imagine muderface with a s/o or crush that says the weirdest stuff, like some stuff that they have been through. It is so random! Like those tik toks that say "the Egyptians believed the most significant thing you could do is die" in the most randomest of situations.

Like imagine just chilling out doing nothing and y/n looks over at muderface and says "would a zombie apocalypse be a formal event? Like your buried in your best clothes?"

It woukd very so cool if you could write something for this but if you don't want to that's cool!

Just wanted to share my thoughts. No one I know watches Metalocalypse.

Thank you!!!

Have a wonderful day or night!!

(I didn't really check my grammar or spelling that well, I am sorry)

Murderface with an S/O that says ~random~ things!

“The color is actually named after the fruit.”

You baffle him daily. He never asked to be spoonfed random trivia, shower thoughts, or absurd hypothetical questions. And yet, here he was, eating it all up.

When William was first met with your verbal hijinks, he was just so, so confused. Why did you know this? Why were you telling him this?

“What?”

“Orange. Like, people just described the color as yellow-red or something before the orange fruit was spread around Europe and they got a new word for it. The color is named after the fruit.”

“…Okay???”

For a while, he thought you were trying to give him clues about something. He was just extremely suspicious of you. Like, surely there had to be a reason behind it, right? Well, no, and he soon just found it was a quirk of yours.

He was always told to shut up whenever he tried to pipe in or had an interesting fact to share, so you defying one of the fundamental rules of his life is a bit jarring.

As he grows closer and more comfortable to you, he gets used to your pondering and even begins to consider them. Maybe you have a point?

“What’s the minimum amount of ducks do you think it would take to fully kill an adult rhino?”

“I don’t fuchkin’ know. Probably a schit ton.”

“I bet, like, five. They’d just swarm him.”

“You are scho wrong. He’d schtomp them all to a pashte.”

Well now he’s gonna stay awake all night thinking about it. He can’t decide if you’re the stupidest person he’s ever met or the smartest. Either way, he gets a little flustered when facing the seemingly infinite expanse of your mind.

After a while, he begins to pick up your habit. In his own Murderface-way, of course. He had a pretty obvious interest in things like car mechanics and war history, but now he’s more willing to share all of what he knows with you. He’s really excited that someone finally seems interested in what he has to say, no matter how meaningless it is.

And once that door is open, he becomes more willing to open up on a deeper level. Even though he’s a dumbass, he does have a depth of intelligence, even if he isn’t great at articulating it. Be patient and you’ll get some fascinating conversation from him.

“Even if there isch a God…like, what the fuck, man?! You juscht gonna leave us all down here to suffer and schit? I might as well ignore you juscht to schpite you! What a dick move.”

William never realized how valuable it was to him just to be listened to. Simply talking to you slowly becomes one of the better parts of his day, everyday.

It takes a lot for Murderface to love and it takes even more to love him back. But the effort is well worth it with these types of riveting discussions;

“You have to fight a bug that’s 100 times its original size and you get one weapon from the medieval era. What is your bug and what’s your weapon?”

“Easchy. Butterfly, Croschbow. One arrow for each wing. Instant win.”

[astrangetorpedo]

Julien Baker on learning to articulate joy

by t. cole rachel 2/3/17

“I’m always afraid that the public will scorn songs about happiness out of a disbelief that it is genuine.”

Are you working on a record now? What’s happening?

I am, but I’m always working on songs no matter what. You can’t not be working on a project if writing is how you go about compartmentalizing your life. Everything that happens, every feeling that you have, becomes work. Since the end of 2015—and keeping in mind all the life changes that year occasioned—I was writing quite a bit. I saw a latent theme start to develop, and then I was like, “Oh, well let’s pursue this.” I now have a really good idea of what I want the next record to be conceptually. I think I can be more intentional with it in presentation, if not necessarily in construction. It’ll probably be sonically similar, because that’s the style in which I write.

The stillness of songwriting—knowing when to stop and just be still—is often the most difficult part of songwriting for me. Knowing when it’s enough. Sometimes I think, “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if we had, like, a full string quartet and a horn section here, making this into an opera?” but then that doesn’t serve the song. You know? Lyrically, I think, it’s better to be thoughtful instead of just vomiting it out.

I’m about to do something dorky, so I apologize. One of my favorite quotes about creativity is from Wordsworth who says something like, “Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of emotions reflected upon in tranquility.” I think that really accurately represents the dichotomy of writing songs for me, especially with my particular writing style. It’s like, “All right, I have an emotion.” I’ll then go out to my garage and vomit out a song that’s essentially just me singing my feelings out loud. This time around I’m doing a lot more refining. Sprained Ankle was really, really raw. Which isn’t to say that’s always a bad thing—it suited that record and those songs—but this time around I’m happy to have more time with it.

That record seemed to come out of the blue and catch people by surprise. How does it feel to be making music with the knowledge that there is an audience now that is anticipating it? Does that change things?

I’ve heard myself say something in the past that isn’t totally precise, suggesting that I made Sprained Ankle only for me. Admittedly, it’s a very self-involved record that’s specific to my own experiences that I wrote as a tool, as a coping mechanism primarily, for what was happening in my life at that point. That’s how I’ve always used music. I grew up writing songs in punk bands and we would have the same conversation regularly, “Oh, this is going to be rad when we play it at a show!” You would imagine people singing along and yelling out the chorus. So you have something that you’re not only trying to say for yourself because you need to say it, but also that you’re saying to the world, even if the world in your schema is this small community... even if your audience is just a basement.

Now that I know the audience is a bit broader, I can’t help but think about that sometimes. Still, the best songs are the ones I just let happen. What is that Rilke quote? That he’s not a creator of art, he’s just a midwife to it? That’s how I like to feel. How I approach making songs isn’t totally different. Often it’s just when something difficult happens to me or I’m stressed out, I’ll just sit down and say whatever my fears are. I’ve been perpetually trying to come to terms with doing Sprained Ankle live for a year, because I’ve moved on from those specific experiences. The emotions, maybe, are evergreen in a sense because you’re always going to have fresh heartbreak at some point in your life. You’re going to have self-doubt, but it feels weird to still be singing about them years after the fact. One of the challenges about playing live has been finding new ways to apply old sentiments.

I always talk about the song “Good News.” I started to get really bothered that I was having conversations with people who listen to my music who said, “That song made me feel better!” but then I’m sitting up there screaming, “I ruin everything I do.” That’s not the kind of self-deprecating rhetoric or mentality that I want to promote. However, it’s also false to pretend like no one ever has these feelings, because people have those feelings all the time and that’s a very real thing. There’s a balance of not having an artifice of hope, but still writing songs that are honest about how I feel inside, which isn’t always great. I finally made a sort of concession with myself about it, so now before I play that song I’ll say, “This song is about when I thought I ruined everything, and now I’m trying to learn that that’s not true.”

It is cheesy and nine times out of ten I wince at myself on stage when I do it, but it’s like I have to do it in order to prove that it’s true, that I mean it. So, with these new songs—particularly the ones that were written about a relationship ending a year ago and I wrote over a year ago—I had to think about what it will mean to play them live and how that might feel. They are thematically appropriate for the record, which will be released in 2017, and obviously I’ve moved on and that’s an amicable situation right now, but it’s still a funny thing. I think I’ve been exploring the stigmatization around mental health and being open and honest about feelings, because that’s basically been my job. Everybody in this music scene is a little bit, I don’t want say “messed up” because that implies there’s something wrong with you, but we all feel a little messed up and maybe that’s why we do art.

I recently read this Alain de Botton book and it changed my life. He said that “Art is there for you when love stops being there for you.” I was like, “Oh my gosh, true.” Yeah, so being honest about those really dark things, like saying, “I feel disappointing, I feel like I’m nothing,” is important. I think about that when I start to censor myself. That was why I ended up leaving “Rejoice” on my previous record. Sometimes you need to inhabit an idea or a feeling in order to transcend it. The thing that you’re most afraid is the very thing you have to be bravest about divulging.

It seems like a more more popular human compulsion, particularly among songwriters, to document our own darkness than it is to articulate happiness. As someone who is known for writing beautifully sad songs, what do you make of that?

I remember a comment someone made about Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie: “Oh, he got happier and stopped writing good songs.” I was like, “What a grotesque thing to say.” How awful is it that our culture is geared in such a way. I think there’s inherent worth in all art and I never criticize the formal quality of art as long as there is genuine emotion there, but we’ll tolerate all kinds of cheesy heartbreak-related art just because of the subject matter. It’s much more difficult to pull off a joyful song. I’m always afraid that the public will scorn songs about happiness out of a disbelief that it is genuine. I’m interested in talking about joy, but it’s difficult and you don’t want to be clumsy with it. I think of it more as, “I have joy.” That’s a really complex thing to unpack. But I think articulating joy is important. I’m thinking of songs by people like the B-52s. There is this Australian artist called Alex Lahey who was a song where the chorus is just, “Let’s go out and have fun tonight.” It’s almost like you can hear the tongue-in-cheek irony of there’s mundanity in the grind of life and then this person is writing a song that’s just parodying a go-out-party song. It’s really cool.

It’s like it’s somehow less embarrassing to have an emotional meltdown in public than it is to be really honest about your happiness in a non-ironic way.

I think what’s so crazy is that for so many people I know—myself included—it’s this thing of when you’re acutely aware of the suffering of everything around you, it seems like happiness is a lack of decorum. Does that make sense?

For me, 2016 was a lot about learning, both good things and bad. I’m learning a lot about joy—joy as something different from happiness. Because happiness is a temporary space, an emotion, but joy, I think, is something different. It’s like a disposition that you choose to adopt. It’s all right to allow yourself that. I read a lot of philosophy, so I’m always thinking things like, “I want to be the platonic ideal of a human and do what is ethically asked of me by my existence.” Maybe that means not only writing sad songs. Maybe that means expressing joy. I’m still learning how to do that.

We went on a tour and I was reading Ethics by Bonhoeffer because I am a huge nerd and I was just like, “I’ll never be a good person.” Then one of my good friends was like, “Do you think God hates joy?” I was like, “No I don’t, I don’t think God hates joy.” She said, “So, if you have everything to be happy about, why won’t you display that as an image of hope instead of a depiction of suffering, because you can’t get on stage and talk about hope if you have no hope. You can’t go on stage and talk about joy as a destination—not just an unachievable goal—if you have no joy, so let yourself have joy.” You know how sometimes people say a simple explanation to you for something and you feel like a total idiot? I was just like, “I guess you’re right.”

I still struggle with anxiety. For the longest time on tour I would have panic attacks before almost every show. Performing is scary, and there’s a lot going on in there—”in there” being my brain. So while we were on tour in Australia it felt like I was always waiting for another shoe to drop, and when it didn’t I felt like I could just cherish the fact that I’m legitimately enjoying what is happening in my life and I’m excited to talk to people.

I can be a positive force. I can interact with people and I don’t look like a brooding crazy person. I’m smiling, I’m happy, and I’m getting to hug them. There was one show in particular where I was starting a song that there was a girl in the front of the stage who yelled out, “This is my song!” I thought it was funny because I’d only ever heard someone say that when they were at a bar and a song came on the jukebox, but I loved that she said that. I had this really cheesy thought like, “You know what? It is.” It’s not mine anymore. I was like, “It is your song, girl. This is for you. I hope you enjoy it.” She was stoked. Instead of feeling guilty that people like my music or feeling like I don’t deserve it or I haven’t earned it, I’m just happy that my job is that I stand on a stage and I look out on a whole bunch of eyeballs and we get to share this thing.

After the whirlwind success of Sprained Ankle, was it weird to finally be home again and working on music? My biggest fear is that anyone thinks that I’m anything other than amazed and grateful that I get to be a musician. Like, every day I wake up astonished by that. I think generally the amount of reward you get in your occupation mirrors the amount of sacrifice it requires. I needed to take some time to not be a ghost in my real life, to see my family and visit my partner, and just be radio silent for a while.

I write a lot on tour, which is weird because I used to think I couldn’t get into the right head space on tour to write songs, but then eventually touring just becomes your norm and I really have to be writing, so you just adapt. I’ll make little voice memos in the car and listen to them and write lyrics while I’m walking around. Once I got back home I rented this studio space and did a whole bunch of demos. We spent almost 12 hours in the studio every day. Hearing the demos outside of my head was really good for me. I’d been worrying myself by thinking, what if the new songs are too different? What if they are too much the same? What if everyone is disappointed? I felt the weight of expectation start to make me afraid that I couldn’t do it. I was, “It’s all going to be crap, everyone’s going to hate it.” Then once I got into the recording process things changed.

I was recording with my friend Calvin Lauber, who is in a band from Memphis called Pillow Talk. He’s in the scene and I’ve known him since I was 13 years old, and he happens to do recording and engineering as well as just play around in bands. It felt just so comfortable that I lost track of the hours and it was kind of like one of those moments, “Oh yeah, I love just the process of making art and I could stay here for another 12 hours just experimenting and, like, shaping this thing.” It brought me back to the reason why I ever did this in the first place. You have to be able to reconnect to the joy of making the thing that you make. It’s easy to get distracted from that.

I was so grateful that I felt comfortable enough to come back and make my music in Memphis. I moved back here at the beginning of the year to be closer to my family. I love my city. I have, like, Drake levels of love for my city. It felt good to be here. Once the demos were done and I was listening back to some of it, I had this weird feeling. I’m hyper-critical of my own work, which most artists probably are, but I had the strange sensation of thinking,“This is how it feels to be proud of something that I made.” I realized that as long as I am proud and I feel like I say what I want to with the narrative of this record, I am able to separate myself from being so concerned with, “What if people hate it?” Even if they hate it, I’ll still know that I’ve done my best. It’s all such a fifth grade classroom poster—Just Do Your Best!—but that’s truly the best and most profound advice.

Given the nature of your music, do people project a kind of “tortured artist” thing onto you? And how do you circumvent that?

When I’m on stage I try to think about things before I just rush in and say something silly... but I’m also quite silly. That being said, I’m not a Lorde or a Taylor Swift. I’m not someone who is playing stadiums and who has all these eyeballs on them. I don’t think I’m expected to be a role model. I’m not at that level. Still, people often take the slices of life represented in the songs and expand that to represent my total personhood. I think another task of mine is unifying Julien of life with Julien of the record, which often entails saying dorky, cheesy, positive things and making bad jokes on stage. Sometimes it goes over well, sometimes it’s like crickets in the audience and people are like, “What’s going on? This is too much of an emotional pendulum!” and they look freaked out. Then I just play my songs instead of making more lame jokes. I think merely by existing and refusing to give in to the persona of brooding tortured artist, you prove the point of you do not have to be sad all the time. You do not have to be defined by your sadness. I think about these things when I write songs and when I play live shows. I am trying to break the spell, in some way, that when you see someone up on stage singing sad songs that there is more to them than that. Sometimes you can’t help but be perceived as a kind of persona, but why not be a persona that’s actually realistic? I’d rather do that, instead of just posing over here in the window sill with my copy of Rilke and looking really bummed out. That isn’t me.

Recommended by Julien Baker:

Things that are inspiring to me right now...

The novel Gilead by Marilynne Robinson (a recommendation from the ever-wise Lucy Dacus)

The poetry of Beyza Ozer, a poet recommended by Morgan Martinez, editor of Hooligan Mag (an inspiring person in her own right)

The art of Kazuo Shiraga

The bands PWR BTTM and Camp Cope; their music, their social commentary, their unapologetic commitment to change through art, honestly just them as people, all of it

The paintings and zines of Ariel Baldwin, great pal/Memphis-native/Chicago-resident, makes some really provocative and powerful art about healing.

(x)

[literalite]

you love him but you’ll never be the one

context under the cut (slight nsfw warning, minors dni)

this is set several years before the scylla mission, both sunny and jovan are adults, sunny hasn’t met niko at this point

“Wanna go again?” Sunny asks, and Jovan thinks he’s in love.

Thinks being the operative word here. He’s still breathing heavily, blinking the fuzz out of his eyes and the haze out his brain. He’s just came so hard he thought he must have blacked out, and the younger man has sat back up, using the back of his hand to wipe at his mouth. It’s boyishly juvenile in a way that he can’t really articulate, so he ends up staring dumbly at him until Sunny quirks an eyebrow up at him, black eyes slightly scathing. Or not. Jovan might have been sleeping with the other man for a short period of time and been an acquaintance for barely a bit longer, and neither had helped him properly comprehend what exactly was going on in that mind. He was starting to think he might never work it out, and their mission was going to end in a week, so it was looking more and more likely.

“I’m gonna take that as a no, then,” Sunny sighs, and shifts his weight so he’s leaning with his back on the wall. Jovan blinks again and remembers his manners, pulling his briefs and scratchy grey inmate sweats over his hips and then reaches for the bottle of water he’d left there, hands it to Sunny in silence. Watches him empty half the water bottle straight down his throat, not letting the rim touch his lips, before handing it back with a quiet thanks.

Small shit like this. The way Sunny won’t let him touch him more unless Jovan’s eyes are covered or they’re both in complete darkness, scrabbling blind. Open arms and jokes, slapping other inmates on the back but never too hard, making the crew’s mission feel more like an adventure than something they all have no choice but to participate in. The way his smile lingers, ever present, but never reaches his eyes. He’s unfathomable. Beautiful the way the sharp edge of a shattered mirror is. He’s remorseless and sometimes, Jovan thinks he might even be kind. 

And you can’t trust him, murmurs a smarter voice that sounds a lot like his older brother. You realise that, right? This type of guy isn’t going to stick around, and you know it.

The voice is right, as it always is. Even on a more logical basic level, Jovan’s set for release once this mission ends. He’ll be a free man, and with the way Sunny acts, the disobedience and the accumulating murder charges that he makes no attempt to hide or even apologise for, he’ll be in here for a lot longer than the three more years that he’s got right now. So there isn’t any hope, not really. He doesn’t really want to think about how long Sunny will spend in the system, the looming thought of until he keels over and dies bringing down his mood.

“Mind if I smoke?” He asks him, and Sunny cracks open an eye from the end of the bunk where he’s shut them, arms crossed over his chest. Shrugs noncommittally, but says “Go ahead,” with yet another one of the fake little smirks. Fuck this guy, seriously. Jovan pulls himself closer to the edge of the bunk and fishes around in the space underneath, pulling out his lighter and pack. Perilously close to being empty. He can’t go home to his mum and little sibling and brother reeking of the shit he’d promised to stay away from, even though lung transplants are a dime a dozen, so maybe this is for the best that all his bad habits end at once. Clean breaks, and all that. He lights one, takes a deep drag, exhales as the burn of it curls down his throat. Sunny’s still watching him, his loose t-shirt hanging off his slouched frame. This is so fucking awkward.

“Did you…” He trails off, unsure of how to finish his sentence in a way that doesn’t make him sound crude. Sunny basically does that weird shit where he guesses what he’s thinking with unerring accuracy, and answers, “Like, finish? No, but it’s fine. I’m going for a shower after this, if you’ll mind the door for me.” It’s way past their allotted time for a shower, but Jovan’s never seen the other man naked after weeks, so this must be the usual routine for him.

“Yeah, of course. Uh, why don’t you just do it with the rest of the guys? If you don’t mind me asking?” He hates the way his voice curls up at the end of the sentence, like a flinching animal. Sunny makes a face at him.

“I do mind, actually. And don’t peek or I’ll kill you.” He says it casually but Jovan knows that it’s no idle threat. Wouldn’t that be something. Jovan Renaud, a  week away from his first taste of freedom in three years. Murdered by the guy he’s been fucking, the guy he kind of just wishes he could take away from here with him. Something about Sunny makes Jovan want to be a better person than he knows he’s capable of being. 

Something like love. Something he knows Sunny isn’t capable of giving back, not to someone like him in a time like this, anyway. 

“I won’t look. Swear it.” Sunny holds his gaze for a long moment, then nods, seemingly satisfied.

[bestworstcase]

Honestly still can't get over how you go into such well in-depth and coherent narrative deep dives! They're always such a joy to read ✨❤️ (I swear if I had your grasp of articulation I'd finally get around to polishing my note doc about Tang Sanzang/JTTW and how it relates to Starr Sanzang being the prime Summer Maiden candidate fsdf.).

ANYWAY. I just wanted to say that I didn't put two-and-two together about Alyx and Little being possibly connected until I read it in passing during one of your posts. Like after reading it, I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes as I wrapped my brain around it fsdf

It makes sense omg! Like of course Little could be Alyx in a new form!!! Alyx=Alice Liddell=Little!

I always thought that maybe Alyx was reincarnated into Juniper, because of the rabbit pin she wore + her hair tie, etc., yada yada.

And like yeah, sure Juniper is Jaune's companion, but:

-Little is implied to be a new/or a new version of an Ever Afteran since they have no purpose or even a name.

-They're scared if cats (I mean yes, they're a mouse, but Alyx was also killed by the Curious Cat, so ✨past life trauma ahoy!✨)

-They're also drawn to Ruby, who goes on a similar narrative journey to Alyx in the Ever After, while also acting as a guide for Ruby

-Which in by helping Ruby/guiding her, is in turn able to fulfil Alyx's desire of 'fixing everything she broke' (i.e. by being by Ruby's side until their 'death', they inadvertently lead Jaune to the Ever After Tree=allowing him to meet the Blacksmith, and then go home to Remnant.)

GAH! THAT THEORY MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. So, uh, apologies for the mini tangent, but just wanted to thank you for this unintentioned big brained moment! Now I'm gonna see V9 with a new perspective on my next rewatch! 🥰✨❤️

<3

there’s also this moment:

where the facsimile of penny’s sword manifested from ruby’s grief transforms into alyx’s dagger when little wakes up, and then as she lifts it up and tilts it toward little, the reflection of alyx’s face appears. it’s little’s reflection, just as the reflections of penny and summer are really reflections of ruby—her grief, her insecurities, manifesting as images of her fallen friend and her missing mother because she can’t recognize herself.

and then:

alyx lied -> little is a child playing pretend (“i’ll be your trusty guide!”)

alyx tricked the peddler -> little steals the jade mannequin for ruby

alyx cheated at the red king’s game -> little helps ruby play the prince’s game

the cat, on alyx’s book: “yes. oh, please! i simply must know more. what did she write about? how was i portrayed? and… do i smell a mouse?” <- the cat knows alyx didn’t write that book because they know they killed her and she ascended. the heart, as they say, very rarely forgets. thinking about alyx and lewis brings little to their attention—their heart knows who little used to be!

alyx broke her promise to the cat, and the cat killed her -> the cat betrays ruby in turn, and little bites them and goes you’re not a friend.

alyx wanted to go home no matter what -> little wants to help ruby get home no matter what

alyx acted selfishly but her dying wish was to help put things right -> little is a selfless but very helpless child who dies trying their best to help ruby -> they become somewhat, who is both selfless and able to take action to help others

alyx’s rabbit pin and narrative role as the white rabbit -> somewhat adopts juniper as their steed

also. the narrative makes a point of emphasizing that ruby didn’t see little in the tree, although we do see the blacksmith making their new face. but jaune does see alyx during the same time.

[darcytaylor]

Hi there, I stumbled upon your blog and I am so glad I did! I really enjoyed reading your deep dives. I agree with a previous commenter; your posts have been articulate, understanding and compassionate while also being on the nose with your critiques. With all the heightened emotions right now, thank you for keeping things calm while also being able to explain your take on everything - it’s been very interesting to read! I’ve been desperately trying to find other posts/people that have similar vibes because this whole… situation-ship has been a bit much. I have to admit I learned a lot about Luke from your deep dives, mostly because I wasn’t really paying much attention to him until the press coverage started in earnest earlier this year. And I’m not entirely sure what to make of him now; it was very eye opening and gave me plenty to think about. I genuinely liked him up until this all happened, and I think I still do, but my god, has he (and his team) created a mess for himself. Some thoughts, in no discernible order: 

Saying he was most like his character/Colin. I 1000000000% agree with you here! I think that’s why it was so jarring when people found out about the (not so secret, I now realize) gf. “Colin as a character made them feel seen. They couldn't separate Luke from Colin because he kept saying he was like Colin” Ugh, that’s some heartbreak right there. 

I also feel very strongly about the age thing, and I’m heartened to hear I’m not alone in this. The age gap would be one thing for a “normal, everyday couple,” but I agree when there’s also a power dynamic involved, it just makes me feel even more uneasy. Then you add in his comments about how he remembers being in his early 20s…

His social media is a fucking mess. Someone else needs to take control ASAP. Especially if he claims he was moving it into a more professional direction. JFC, there are literal professional who get paid to do this; hire them.

I agree that he should be booked for, like, the next 2 years from this point, and that’s a huge mistake that he isn’t. He can’t just seriously think he can fuck off to Fashion Week and this will all blow over, right? Right!?!?

I think we can all agree that Nicola is fucking perfection. 

(Can you tell I have a comms background? Everything about how all of this has been (mis)handled has made me want to cry, scream and throw up - and not in the funny meme way. But seriously, how can his team bungle all of this SO POORLY???) Anyway, I have a lot more thoughts but I’m now worried I’ve flooded your ask box. Thanks for humoring me!

Thank you for taking the time to read all of the deep dives and your kind words!

The whole situation has been wild to look at from the outside. I could see so much hate going around from all sides and felt that maybe if I put everything together, people could look at the situation with clear eyes.

I think that Luke still has the potential to go places in his career and hopefully the situation that he has found himself in will help him. You know the saying "sometimes you have to hit rock bottom", this could be that for Luke.

[spotsandsocks]

The Lost and The Found 🐺M 1/10 8.8k

Happiest of Birthdays to @monsterrae1 this fic is a gift to you my dear and I’m very sorry it got so long and out of hand! 😬

Chapter 1 is here and I’m going to update on Wednesdays.

To everyone whose been so supportive and enthusiastic 😬 Maybe you’ll read along or wait till the end but I hope you enjoy it. I have to say I’m quite pleased with it 😊

Thank you @ronordmann for the above cover perfect as usual 💕

Eddie steps out of the cab, closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. The sun is warm on his skin, the sounds and smells wrap around him and say home, safe, love.

He only opens his eyes when a beloved and familiar voice calls his name then within moments he’s wrapped in arms that are soft warm and surprisingly strong for a woman her size.

“Mi amor you’ve grown so much!” His abuela sucks in a breath of air another familiar sound and he grins to himself, knowing what will come next. “You’ll be taller than me soon!”

He knows that too and has mixed feelings about it, before very long he will be taller than her which will be cool obviously but mark a certain change in their relationship he’s not really ready for in ways he can’t quite articulate.

As suddenly as he was embraced the person he loves best in all the world holds him out at arms length and studies him closely, brown eyes wrinkling at the corners.

“So handsome” she taps her cheeks and he bestows a kiss in the required spot. Noting that he really is almost as tall as her now.

“Come, it’s time for lunch and then you can meet the new guests, we have three right now.”

Something sad flashes across her face and she looks at him with a thoughtful expression and says, almost to herself , “Maybe having someone younger around will help.”

She doesn’t elaborate and Eddie doesn’t ask, just follows his beloved abuelita towards the ranch he spends his summer holidays at each year. It’s without doubt the best part of his year. And this year, now he’s thirteen he’ll be allowed to run on his own for the first time. Not that he doesn’t enjoy running with the pack but it’ll be fun to have a little more freedom.

Walking into the old ranch style kitchen Eddie feels more at home than he does at home. At the kitchen table there’s a man in a suit, not old, not young, tall and thin. Dark eyes made darker by the shadows beneath them.

He looks tired. He must be one of the new ones then. They always look tired at first. Eddie smiles at him and gets a brighter smile than he was expecting in return.

His Abuela would have explained who he was very clearly to her guest.

Behind him he recognises an older woman who was here last summer too, she must have decided to stay on. He understands why, he’d stay too if he could.

His Aunt Pepa will be somewhere, the cousins too. He’s excited to see them again.

Out of the corner of his eye someone else walks into the kitchen and slumps into a chair at the table, head going down almost immediately. Judging by the brief look he got she’s probably still in high school, well probably not any more if she’s here. Her hair is dyed blue and green, cut short and there’s a tattoo of a flower and moon visible on her neck. He wonders if she got that before or after. There are two more he can’t work out on the folded arms she’s resting her head on.

That’s guest number two then, his Abuela said three new ones. He wonders where the third guest is. He’s been here with as many as six newbies before but not often.

Abuela is fussing around the table. Putting food on plates. Guests eat first and family later but as he’s only just arrived he’ll be allowed to join here too.

He sits down, reaches for a plate and starts to pile it up.

Abuela sits down and the girl sits up, the man straightens, everyone’s eyes on the small but most important person at the table.

She takes a bite and then everyone else starts to eat.

He wonders where the last guest is, they don’t usually eat separately. It’s one of Abuela’s rules for the house guests. The others, the ones that live or stay in the cabins scattered across the property will drop in and out as they please but everyone is invited to family dinner each month on the Sunday before the full moon.

Making a mental note to ask about the missing guest later Eddie takes his first, long anticipated bite of his grandmother's home cooking and relaxes with a sigh. It’s perfect, just as he remembers.

As the food disappears the mood at the table lightens and Eddie finds out a little more about the guests. Their names, what they like to do best at the ranch and their favourites of Abuela’s meals.

He doesn’t ask how it happened to them. That’s just rude, but he wonders anyway. He always wonders. Sometimes they share the story with him, more often they don’t.

He can’t imagine what it must be like for them, the life he’s grown up with, the gifts that run in his blood and are very welcomed, feel totally normal to him. To have the same life suddenly thrust upon them must be, well Eddie doesn’t think he has the right words for it. He’s thirteen now and for the first time he thinks he understands the trauma around that in a way he hasn’t ever considered before.

To be bitten, not born. He shudders, just a little. How do the people his Abuela helps here, those she protects and guides while they adjust to it all manage.

He can’t imagine but he’s glad it isn’t him, he’s glad he was born wolf. Eddie’s proud to be part of a family pack and he doesn’t want it any other way.

[myworld-collapsing]

finally dropping this for zero, and his redesign ! there are, truthfully, some more characters to be listed but i have either forgotten them or am having an extremely hard time articulating my thoughts, so ill just offer these for now . .

sirius belongs to @junebluues ! ( i hope this helps with things : D ! ill release a interaction between him and sirius soon . . )

explanations from left to right & from up to down !

——————————————————————————————————

till - alien stage : yeagh, it’s generally the yearning and the feelings . though for different reasons and in different ways .

like june said and suggested, sirius makes zero feel like something . they make him want to be something . he in his own way, yearns to be seen and understood by sirius . ( maybe even loved . but that is a far, faraway dream he detaches himself from . )

he doesn’t really act on these feelings, though . ( in fact, it’d probably even seem hes avoiding them at times ) he doesn’t need sirius to show interest or even like him in return, he just needs them to be their truest self always, and be genuinely happy in those and their circumstances, for him .

——————————————————————————————————

sua - alien stage :

from their shared original lack of life and dehumanization, and how they are both eventually brightened by another .

——————————————————————————————————

sunny - omori :

more on a surface level . they both share the shyness and quietness, but also the lacks in self - esteem and worth, as well as zero also being frustrated easily . he’s good in about all fields, but truly doesn’t have any fondness towards any of his “ talents “ . instead, he resents them all . there’s a reason for this, but since it’s pretty simple, ill probably discuss it further later, but i wont put it on here .

——————————————————————————————————

sakura nanamine - toilet - bound hanako kun / tbhk :

also more on a surface level ! they’re both pretty aloof and don’t express their emotions very often .

——————————————————————————————————

nina - artiswitch :

they’re the most similar, in my opinion . both empty and hollow as people, with their shared lack of feelings of belonging to, well, anywhere . they also both have a person who starts them on a path of change . when zero finally starts to try to be something, to help himself, he also starts to try to help others . well, kinda . he’s just a bit more open to others, id say . . it’s not very easy to articulate my exact feelings about these 2 but please just trust me guys 😭

——————————————————————————————————

me :

i would be lying if i said i didn’t insert some of my own self into zero . . though it’s up to all of you to guess how much .

——————————————————————————————————

extra notes ! : ( TW : i dont know how to do these properly . . but there is a purging mention . )

he has clinical depression . he doesn’t take antidepressants . - ( but, he does have many other assortments of prescriptions by his guardian, keirii . he keeps all of these in a specific drawer particularly to keep his roommate ( who anyone is free to ask to be ! ) from reaching them and possibly overdosing . )

although i didn’t include it in his profile, one of his least favorite things is eating . he has a quite sensitive stomach, and often feels sick after eating . he purges because of this . - ( he was once confined to anakt’s clinic for a month because of more severe incident of this tendency . )

he had a lobotomy - like operation done on him when he was young, by keirii of course, ( she prefers non - emotional organisms ) and barely survived it . - ( he can of course still feel emotions from how he feels towards sirius ( ill actually expand on these later, but for now, zero can’t put an exact label on them . ), but they’ve been hardwired to just be not as strong . )

his guardian, keirii, generally specializes in the study of the max of the physical and mental endurances of individual organisms, and death processes when the limit is finally crossed . - ( she often conducts her studies and experiments on humans, wagyeins, and sometimes when she is permitted to, the corpses of segyein . they’re often of a wide range of diversity in each individual species . because of her high profile in the industry, and known rare race in birth, she often has rare types of test subjects present . )

zero was luckily, spared these treatments .

but, keirii did occasionally let him overview some of her ongoing projects, and files or recordings of these as well . because of this, zero does have a general understanding and ability in the field .

he might have had a forced transition . i have a feeling keirii would much prefer a son over a daughter . .

like dante, ( @rockwgooglyeyes ) in a way, zero doesn’t appear that often . he doesn’t do this on purpose though . - ( also to note, he actually doesn’t have anything against dante . he’s aware, that, although he’d like it, he doesn’t deserve and isn’t entitled to nothing and or anything from sirius . dante seems to make sirius truly happy, and zero is grateful to dante for that . )

he’s allergic to eggs, so he can’t really eat much either way . though im sure he gets specially tailored meals ( that he doesn’t eat 90 % of the time ) payed for by keirii .

there is an issue with his collar ( or him ) that makes it so, whenever he has one on, it never displays any emotion indicating color onto the light, remaining a nuetral gray that’s only present when collars aren’t being worn . he often gets his collars changed weekly or monthly for this, even though there’s no difference .

he straight up doesn’t have a name and was never given one . . he’s just labeled by the only number in his id 😭

——————————————————————————————————

anyways, if anyone would like to be friends or uhm partners with my sopping wet sad alley cat of a boy, don’t be afraid to ask ! here or in my asks or discord, either ways are fine : D !

i think there could possibly be an opening for a friend in his incident ? he did collapse right after in the bathroom, and im sure someone would have had to found him and brought him to the clinic .

another concept would be whoever helps him during his recovery . although they wouldn’t be there all the time, im sure they’d take daily visits to give him his classwork, and also to get him his lunch and medicine and make sure he consumes both without promptly throwing it all up, among other things . if no one steps up to it though, im sure a segyein would be able to do it .

ill probably be updating his profile soon, but,

im changing it back, his voice claim is chogakusei’s vocals in this cover,

and id also say this instrumental kind of matches his overall vibe !

[thetarttfuldickhead]

do you think how Jamie reacted to Roy and Keeley's teasing at the auction in 1x04 was related to his trauma from his Dad making him loose his virginity to a lady from the red light district? and do you think after the three of them officially get together, that they ever talk about that?

Tricky one, nonny, because as much as I tend towards Watsonian explanations over Doylist ones, in this particular case I can’t quite disregard the fact that I am not at all convinced that Jamie’s Amsterdam backstory was in place when 1x04 was written. It might have been, sure, but… yeah, I doubt it, actually.

And, like, in hindsight, after 3x06, it’s hard not to connect Jamie’s discomfort at the gala with his experiences in Amsterdam. Even if he doesn’t consciously join the dots himself, even if he’s not yet realized that the experience was traumatic to him (and I think 3x06 does suggest that it was, even if it’s possibly to argue otherwise), the notion of having to have sex with someone he doesn’t want to have sex with, especially when they’re that much older (not because having sex with old people is gross, obviously, but because it would mirror the experience he had as a child), would have made him deeply uneasy.

I mean, it would make most of us deeply uneasy, so that’s not the strange part. The strange part, really, is that Jamie believes – if only for a little while – Roy and Keeley’s assertion that he’ll need to put out. Becaue, yes, Jamie’s not always the brightest, but of course the club’s not actually pimping out the players. He knows that, surely. But for a moment he isn’t sure – and maybe that’s because it’s already happened to him, hasn’t it? Not quite like this, no, but money exchanged and him required to fuck someone he had not chosen to fuck. So, yes, things like that can happen and maybe they do happen at Richmond because Jamie didn’t see it coming the first time either, did he, but no, it’s just a fucking joke, Roy and Keeley having a laught and he looks like a right idiot now, doesn’t he, for having believed them, and he can’t even articulate (not even to himself, I think) why he thought, for a moment, that maybe…

Yeah. Makes a horrible sort of sense, doesn’t it?

So, in hindsight I think we can read his reaction being at least partially related to what was done to him in Amsterdam, and normally I’d be perfectly happy with that, actual text over authorial intent, but in this case I can’t stop wondering about what it all was originally intended to mean (if, indeed, the Amsterdam part was not known to the writers at the time of writing 1x04). Maybe it intrigues me because it has the potential to reveal more and interesting things about Jamie? I don’t know, and I don’t have any real theories either, just… something about football players being used to getting sold and traded, something about his sense of self and value directly tied to his body and what he can do with it, time spent creating his brand and the slight disassociation and/or confusion between self and image it can cause (even as I think that Jamie has a very strong sense of self generally). Given all of that, is it so outlandish for him to briefly assume that maybe this too might be required? Especially given his experiences in Amsterdam… Can be a mix of the two, really. Maybe that’s the interpreation I mostly favour.  

As for if they ever talk about it... I don’t necessarily think it’s something Jamie would bring up and I doubt Roy immediately connects the dots once he hears Jamie’s tale of his first Amsterdam trip. Keeley, I think, doesn’t know what happened in the Red Light District; to me, Jamie telling Roy reads very much like a ‘first time I ever told anyone’ thing, but that’s obviously open to interpretation.

But say something reminds Roy of that gala dinner, and what was said then. Maybe they’re getting ready to attend it once more and this time they’re dead pleased to be seated at the same table, making little jokes about can you fucking imagine if someone would have told us then that this is where we’d end up and could have saved ourselves so much trouble if we’d just gone home together that night and Keeley playfully reminds Jamie that he doesn’t actually have to sleep with someone if he doesn’t want to and Jamie pouts like that shit wasn’t funny but he’s laughing too because it was long ago and they’re here now and he doesn’t tend to dwell –

– but Roy goes quiet because wait hang on oh no fuck no, and he doesn’t say anything right away, they need to get going and he’s not sure is he, and he keeps on saying nothing throughout the dinner, and behind the still face he is quietly spiralling as he watches Jamie’s every move like a hawk, every twitch of his lips and every roll of his eyes.

Jamie and Keeley both notice, and are both confused. They keep exchanging glances and when Nate’s off to the loo and Jade’s done her disappeaering act and Sam and Dani drag Jamie off to join the rest of the team for a round of shots, Keeley takes the opportunity to lean in and ask what’s going on, Roy, are you okay?

He’ll tell her then, I think, and that’s not great – not his story to share – but it’s eating at him and there’s no one else for him to confide in and Keeley is part of it too, so yes. He tells her; she’s upset but still the voice of reason; no matter what happened that night Jamie’s doing fine right now, he’s having a great time with his friends and we shouldn’t ruin that for him, but come tomorrow we’ll have a proper chat all three of us, okay, sort things out?

And come tomorrow, they do.

[actualalligator]

Okay I'll be nice. And only request one. (for now....)

“Well, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, okay? But it happened and I can’t do shit about it.” “You… What?”

Among all the things that felt right about the coma, there were a few that stood out the most as wrong to Buck. Yes, he finally had the parents he had always wanted, and he'd saved the person he'd been born to save, but it came at the cost of having to look at Doug Kendall's face knowing how he treated Maddie. It came at the cost of Jee-Yun, of Bobby, of Eddie, of Christopher. Hen and Chimney as strangers. Yes, he had the perfect blood family he'd been desperate for for as long as he could remember, but he didn't have the family he built, the family that saw him for everything he was and still wanted him.

He thought of Eddie. They were both finally in a good place. Or they had been. Eddie was back with the 118 where he belonged. He was doing well. Buck thought he was, too. Buck couldn't say how long he'd been in love with Eddie. It felt like breathing now, easy, part of his everyday life. He knew Eddie loved him. They were best friends. They were partners. But he wanted Eddie to love him. Like Buck loved Eddie. Like he could spend the rest of his life by Eddie's side and never need anybody else. How disaster bisexual of him to fall in love with his straight best friend.

Still, he'd rather stay his best friend, quietly in love, than live in any world without him.

There were a lot of reasons Buck couldn't stay with his parents and Daniel, and love motivated every one of them.

Two months into that relationship, it felt like he woke up, and he quickly learned he was somewhere he didn't want to be.

After, everyone treated Buck like he was delicate. "You died," they said. How many times did he have to hear it? He knew! He knew he died. And he'd felt strange since then. He felt different, but he couldn't articulate how. And it felt like everyone just wanted him to be that golden retriever of a man he'd always been. What if he didn't know how to do that anymore?

He clung to Natalia. She didn't know him before. There was nothing to compare him to. He got to be whoever this new him was, right? But she thought his death was cool. She asked questions at first, ones he didn't really want to answer. And she'd talk about it with some amount of reverance. Sometimes, he wanted to scream that it happened to him, not her.

He'd pulled hard away from his family, the one he'd come back for, and clung to this person who had no expectations of who he'd been before. But he was still that person. He was still Buck. And he realized that Natalia didn't really know Buck. She knew whoever he'd spent months trying to be. He'd stood in a graveyard and told Eddie that it felt like she saw him. But that wasn't true. No, Natalia didn't see him at all.

Buck broke up with Natalia. He knew he hurt her. She was upset and blindsided, but Buck couldn't keep pretending he was someone else.

He sat alone on the steps of his loft for a long time after that.

And then he got up and he went to work. Eddie started dating Marisol the same time Buck had gotten with Natalia. She was nice. They went on a double date about three weeks in but hadn't seen much of each other since then. She made Eddie laugh. When the music came up loud at the place where the four had met for dinner, she pulled Eddie to the dance floor and kept pace the whole time. And Eddie could dance. Buck had wished more than once to be his partner, but his body didn't move like that. He was a clumsy white boy with no rhythm, and Eddie looked like he was made to be out on the dance floor.

Marisol made Eddie happy. Buck had to respect that. After he broke up with Natalia, Buck tried to mend the bridges he'd started to let rot. His family understood. They welcomed him home with open arms.

"You needed time," Maddie said. "You went through something, and you needed time. We understood."

He joined the Diaz household for movie nights and for video games. They made pizza. They went to the zoo. But it was always a party of four now. Eddie and Marisol. Buck and Christopher. There were days that left Buck desperate for even an ounce of Eddie's attention. He would leave that house feeling angry, feeling lonely. And he realized he would need to move on from Eddie if he was ever going to be happy. Eddie was happy. Marisol made him happy.

Buck needed to find his happy, too. Right after he died, when he'd been clinging to Natalia and the freedom he felt she represented, Buck hadn't meant to pull back from his family. It hadn't been an active thing. It happened.

Pulling away from Eddie, however, that he was doing on purpose. He filled his time with other things. With other people. Jee, Maddie, Chim, Bobby, and Athena. He tried to do a weekly meal with Hen and Karen. He filled his life so there wasn't room to miss Eddie. He still missed him, but he never had to lie when he declined an invitation. He would jump at the chance to hang with Christopher whenever Eddie and Marisol wanted to do something, but he rarely spent time with all three of them. And it was fine. Or it would be. Buck would take the space and time he needed to get over Eddie Diaz, and then he could be a good friend again. "Hey," Eddie said in the parking lot. He had his bag slung over his shoulder. He reached out and laid his hand on Buck's arm. "Christopher is at a sleepover tonight. Come watch movies. You haven't been over in ages."

81 days, actually. Not quite three months. That's how long it had been since they hung out. He'd been at the Diaz house, but with Christopher almost every other week for date night, but he hadn't spent more than half an hour in Eddie's house with him in 81 days. Buck thought he shouldn't know that number, but he did.

"Can't tonight," Buck said, unlocking his jeep. He pulled from Eddie's grasp and tossed his bag inside.

"What the fuck have I done?" Eddie asked, following him.

Buck didn't look at him. "You haven't done anything. I have plans tonight."

"You always have plans with everybody but me. Hell, you make plans with my kid, but you won't make plans with me. It's really starting to piss me off, Buck. What did I do?" Eddie demanded.

Buck pinched the bridge of his nose. He still won't look at Eddie. "I told you. You didn't do anything."

"So you just decided to stop hanging out with me three months ago for what? For fun? What a good fucking friend you are." Eddie checked him with hard with shoulder and turned to walk away. "I deserve more than that. You should have been a better friend."

Buck rocked slightly on his feet, glaring at Eddie’s back. Months of pent of feeling, of anger, of sadness, and feelings of being left behind welled to the surface and exploded out of him before he could stop it. “Well, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, okay? But it happened and I can’t do shit about it.”

Eddie froze. “You… What?”

Buck should have shut up. He should have stopped, got in his jeep and left. But he didn't. "It hurts, Eddie. It hurts, and you're happy. I just need to be able to get over you so I can be your friend again, so I can be happy for you in your relationship without wondering why you can't love me." He stepped back, stumbling over his own feet and back into his jeep. He furiously scrubbed at his wet eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Forget it," Buck said. "Forget it. Forget I said anything."

He climbed into his jeep and was quick to escape, leaving Eddie standing there in the parking lot. He didn't even get his seatbelt on until he was two blocks away from the firehouse.

When he got to the loft, he canceled his plans with Maddie and collapsed face first onto his bed. He cried a little. He dozed a little. He disassociated little. And then he felt someone sit down on his bed.

He groaned and buried his head in his arms. "Maddie, everything is fucked up and everything is bad, but I just need to wallow for one night. Let me wallow, please."

"I broke up with Marisol," said decidedly not Maddie.

Buck froze. He slowly turned his head so he could peek at Eddie. He was sitting with his hands folded in his lap, his head down.

"She made you happy." His voice cracked as he said it.

Eddie looked over. "You make me happy, Buck. Well, not recently, but usually. I only started dating Marisol because you sounded so serious about Natalia. She saw you. I thought I needed to move on."

Buck stared at him. "You love me?"

Eddie nodded.

"Since when?" Buck asked.

"Are you really sorry you fell in love with me?" And the question is scared in a way Buck isn't used to hearing from Eddie.

Eddie's shoes hit the floor with a loud thud and he pulled his legs up onto the bed. "Maybe after the tsunami. It's hard to tell because it went from this is my best friend to this is my person. But I knew the day you broke down my bedroom door. I just... I knew I needed to get my head right first."

Buck hid his face again. "Eddie."

Buck huffed out a laugh at that and shook his head. After a second, he took Eddie's other hand, holding them both. "I love you. I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend."

Buck takes a deep breath. He pushes himself up so he can sit facing Eddie. "I'm not. I just... watching you with her while I so desperately wanted your attention was too hard."

Eddie reached out and took his hand. "I know the feeling. Why do you think I hated Taylor so much?"

"It sucked, Buck. Not having you. Not having any idea why. But I get it. You'll still have to make it up to me," Eddie said.

"How should I do that?" Buck asked.

Eddie squeezed his hands and smiled a little. "You should start with a kiss. And then probably pack a bag so you can come over. You should also definitely cook for me."

Buck looked at him for a few seconds, his eyes darting between Eddie's eyes and his mouth. He leaned in and kissed him. He thought it would be quick, just one kiss for now, but then Eddie sighed into it and Buck suddenly didn't know how to stop. He dropped Eddie's hands to cup his face and deepened the kiss. When he finally pulled back, he felt like his lungs might explode, but it was worth it for that soft smile on Eddie's face.

Eddie nodded. "If you kiss me like that for 81 days in a row, I wouldn't be sad."

"A great start, but you have a lot to make up for. How long?" Eddie asked.

"81 days," Buck said.

Buck laughed and leaned in again. "Neither would I."