#i have more complex thoughts but im not feeling all that well today so this is what you get on that. i have SO much to say about cinna.

[metanarrates]

I'm really interested in your takes on hunger games bc despite what this site says based on their memories of reading it 10 years ago in middle school I do think it's a little overhyped and there are political messages in the third book that are straight-up counterrevolutionary. and keep in mind it IS for 13 year olds and as an adult I personally would never reread it so if you've underwhelmed that may be one of the reasons why...I do look forward to hearing your thoughts on the final book if you get there tho! thanks for sharing your thoughts so far - in hindsight the narration WAS extremely cruel to haymitch for his trauma response. fwiw there are more compassionate depictions of addiction later but none that I think are...great

yeah I agree that me being underwhelmed is largely due to it being YA. it has goals and priorities that are not at all interesting to me given that i am a decade too old for it. I'm also not exactly sure how to handle it critically due to that - a lot of its political stuff makes no fucking sense but I don't know whether I'm expecting too much from a YA novel!

my other big critique, though, is I feel that it pulls its punches when it comes to its depiction of teenagers exploited by being objects of popular entertainment. again, I'm very aware that this is a novel For Children, but so far in the novel (just finished part 1,) there's just not as much discomfort as I feel there needs to be. katniss enjoys the food, she finds the outfits cinna has her wear pretty, and as much as she hates being trained to be a cute object of entertainment, there just is not a strong sense of her being dissected for the benefit of an audience. it's played quite straight that the audience likes her For Her. I want it to make my skin crawl and it doesn't! isn't the point supposed to be that it's scary and uncomfortable!

[harrysfolklore]

ALSO, i would 100% eat up the blurb ab bandmate!by releasing an album with a harry feature🩷🩷

FIRST BLURB OF OUR TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION <333 i really hope you like everything i’ll post this week, as usual let me know your thoughts 💗

MASTERLIST | MY PATREON

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yourinstagram countdown till love on tour is over has begun and i’m crying already

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harryfan1 FELT THIS

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harrystyles 😢

↳ harryfan3 SAME HARRY SAME

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bassrry I MET HARRY AND YN TODAY IN MUNICH !! i told them that they’re like my parents and yn said “well when are the signing the adoptions papers” and harry only laughed and kissed her heard THEY’RE SO IN LOOVEEE

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harryfan1 OMFGGGG

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bassrry OH AND ALSO i told yn that i was going to miss her on stage and she said that she was going to miss it too but we might see her on stage again very soon and harry was like “shhh love that’s a secret” THEY DEF HAVE SOMETHING UP THEIR SLEEVES

↳ harryfan1 OMFG

↳ harryfan2 LOVE ON TOUR IS FOREVER

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harrystyles Love On Tour. Warsaw. July, 2023.

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harryfan1 BABYYYYYYYYYY

harris_reed Our little canary 💛

yourinstagram i’ll be dreaming about this crowd for the rest of forever

↳ harryfan2 AHH THEY LOVED US

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fullstopmgmt YN. Welcome to the Full Stop & Erskine family.

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harryfan1 OMG SLAYYY

harryfan2 she’s officially signed as an artist that’s so dope

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↳ yourinstagram nepo girlfriend so true

harrystyles 🙌🏻

harryfan4 I CANT WAIT TO HEAR HER MUSIC

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yourinstagram WET DREAM. THE DEBUT SINGLE OUT THIS FRIDAY.

RUSH! THE DEBUT ALBUM. OUT SEPTEMBER 25TH.

I CANT BELIEVE I’M TYPING THIS

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harryfan1 OMFGGGGG

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harrystyles I’m insanely proud, bandmate x

↳ harryfan1 she’s basically harry’s first nepo baby awww

tayrussell 🤍

↳ harryfan2 SLAY

HARRY VIA INSTAGRAM STORIES

//

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harrystyles My bandmate just released her debut single. She’s pretty cool and talented, and she’s also the love of my life. Listen to ‘Wet Dream’ now x

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harryfan1 AHHHHHHH

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harryfan2 THE SONG IS SO GOOOOOD

yourinstagram couldn’t have done this without you, boss man. ily 😢

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harryupdates HARRY AND YN PERFORMING HER SONG WET DREAM IN LISBON TONIGHT !!

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harryfan3 MY PARENTS ACTUALLY

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harrystyles Love On Tour. Lisbon. July, 2023.

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harryfan1 ONE MORE SHOW IM NOT OKAY

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yourinstagram look at us being rockstars together

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yourinstagram the world of harry styles and LOT ruled and changed mine, and I wanted to take a moment to thank you all from the absolute bottom of my heart. I’m very much having all the complex feels that could ever possibly come with closing this chapter, but I have some weird faith that the next one is going to be incredible, as long as you're by my side @harrystyles. I hope I’ll see you all somewhere out there along the way…we’ll be alright.

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harryfan1 AWEEEE

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harrystyles Thank you for coming into my life, bandmate, and giving me all of those little gay skirts. I love you.

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FANS VIA TWITTER

//

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yourinstagram RUSH! COVER AND TRACKLIST IS HERE

AHHHH i'm over the moon about this! thank you to everyone who helped my vision come to life, i can't wait for you to hear it

and the rumors are true, we got mr @harrystyles on a track and you're going to love it

OUT SEPTEMBER 25TH

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harryfan1 OMFGGGGG

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harryfan2 HARRY'S FIRST COLLAB EVER IS WITH YN !!!!! HOW ICONIC OMG

mitchrowland Legends.

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harrystyles Thank you for having me x

↳ harryfan4 AHHHHH

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harrystyles RUSH! is out. I'm beyond proud of everything that you are, and I feel tremendously honored to be part of this @yourinstagram. Listen to the debut album by YN now.

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harryfan1 OMFGGGGGG

pillowpersonpp Congratulations buddies ❤

mtv We're not crying you are

harryfan2 UMM THE RIVER IS THE SONG OF THE YEAR WTFFFF THEIR VOICES SOUND AMAZING TOGETHER

yourinstagram thank you for letting be your first nepo baby. ily

↳ harryfan3 PLEASEEE I LOVE HER

↳ harryfan4 she embraces it

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yourinstagram !!!!!! SEE YOU THERE. A LOT OF SURPRISES COMING

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harryfan1 SO ICONIC

haimtheband We're ready 🤘🏻

harryfan2 harry's first ever gig as a solo artist was there too HOW BEAUTIFUL

jefezoff 👀

harryfan3 YALL WHAT IF HARRY SHOWS UP ON STAGE

↳ harryfan4 I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE SAME THING

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↳ harryfan1 HIS ASS IS SO PERFORMING

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harryupdates HARRY PERFORMING THE RIVER WITH YN TONIGHT AT THE TROUBADOUR !!

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harryfan1 AHHHH

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harryfan4 i still cant belive harry's first ever and propably only collab was with yn

harryfan5 ROCKSTARS

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yourinstagram ofc im getting a RUSH! tattoo because this project has changed my life and i can't believe it's the #1 album in the world right now

THANK YOU

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harryfan1 SO HAPPY FOR HER

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↳ damianodvd same

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harrystyles So proud of you, bandmate x

harryfan4 she's going to win a grammy mark my words

taglist: @lightsoutstyles @willowpains @straightontilmornin @sleutherclaw @gimsaysay @hazzassmirk @platinumbarbie143 @musicforcinemas @celesteblack08 @scntfrhs @eleanordaisy @lomlolivia @iceebabies @iloveshawn @be-with-me-so-happily @watermelonsugacry @rayisthehoe @drewrry

[emphistic]

For the Better

A/N: dont feel like proofreading; i would say sorry, but im not

<- series m.list

You answered just before the last ring sounded, and forced out a “Hello?”

A familiar voice came from the other line, saying your name with great enthusiasm. “Hey, you! I almost thought you weren’t going to answer.”

Giving a nervous laugh, you sat yourself down on the couch and prayed to God your social battery hadn’t run out yet. “Naoki, what’s up? Aren’t you supposed to be working at this time?” You did a once-over on the wall clock, validating your assumption.

“I called off of work, I wanted to see you today.”

You blinked. “Oh? You didn’t, like, check if I was available before doing something so rash as leaving work? I mean, what if I wasn’t free?” 

Naoki paused for a second, before replying, “I assumed you were free after seeing your car outside your complex. Though I may be wrong, I don’t peg you as the sort of person to call an Uber when you have your own vehicle.”

Your mouth opened and closed, but a response failed to come out. He’s at my building? you thought. You didn’t remember giving him your address, and it would be more than weird for him to ask Eileen for it instead of you. Besides, you two haven’t heard from each other since the night at the bar. 

“You’re here?” was the only thing you managed to say.

Naoki hummed in agreement.

“But—but how do you know—?”

“Your address? Trust me, I don’t. I just coincidentally recognized your car while walking around, that’s all. I, Naoki Ito, am far from a serial killer,” he laughed.

“Well,” you said, “that’s good to know. . .”

You eyed Sukuna across the room from your spot on the couch. He couldn’t hear your phone call; you didn’t answer on speaker; but he did look like he was wondering who was keeping you for so long.

“Anyway, if you are free, I was hoping you could show me around the city? I’ve seen some nice restaurants, but I’ve yet to try them.”

You silently wondered why he didn’t ask his cousin, but you didn’t think more on the subject besides that. “That’s . . . not a bad idea. Sure, I’m free.”

“Really? That’s great! How can we meet up?”

“Are you near my complex?”

Naoki hummed, “I’m outside this three-story building with some blue graffiti on the side of it. Dolphins and waves and y’know.”

“Oh, I know where you are. I’m going to get ready, you can just stay put for me, right? I’ll head there in, like, ten minutes, tops.”

The call was quickly ended, and you told Sukuna you would be leaving. 

“You know, I haven’t asked Naoki what he thought of macaroni and cheese, yet. I’m thinking today’s the day, and, if he says ‘yes’, well, it’s needless to say I’ll be spending the rest of my week praising whatever gods bestowed this blessing upon me.” You smiled to yourself. “Anyway, I’ve got this great idea that I think you’ll absolutely love.”

“Shoot,” said Sukuna.

“I’ve been thinking about the possibility of Naoki being interested in me. And, honestly, I think it would be great if I set you up with Eileen. I’m not sure how to feel about her flirting with you despite thinking our relationship’s real, but, if all works out with Naoki (as in, he likes macaroni and cheese), the four of us should totally go on a double date some day. What do you think?”

“Fuck no.”

“Seriously? I think my idea’s genius.”

Sukuna scoffed. “Yeah, well, the not-genius part about your idea is the fact you’re trying to get me to date some annoying ass bitch you call your friend. Besides, she is not my type.”

That was . . . definitely not the response you were expecting. “Harsh, much?” you said. Yet, you couldn’t help the giggle that escaped your lips. Sukuna was always so vulgar; it was a bit amusing.

It was a simple, casual outing for two friends that were checking out the city. Thus, you didn’t spend much time throwing on an outfit; you dressed solely for the comfort of a day that was to be spent walking around. So, it didn’t take long for you to meet up with Naoki. And, just as he said, he was leaning on a wall covered head to toe in graffiti. He waved you over once he noticed you, and from there, you two began the day.

“You look nice,” he said, upon looking you up and down.

“You don’t look too shabby, yourself,” you laughed. “So, where’s your car parked?”

Naoki looked a bit confused for a second, as if your question was an absurd one. “Car?”

“Yeah, you drive, right? The nearest restaurant is pretty far. I’ve been complaining about that since the day I moved here. And, if that wasn’t strange enough, there are so many grocery markets here. Like, not everyone is a chef,” you scoffed.

It made you think of Sukuna, who was probably back home. Watching Pride and Prejudice by himself, and complaining about God knows what. He was always a good cook. So, even before you two got into this dating arrangement, he was frequently spending a lot of time at your place. You always laughed and called him your private chef, but he might as well have been.

“Yeah, so, about that, I . . . don’t have a car, actually. I get around places by either taking the bus or walking. Daily exercise, am I right?” joked Naoki, but you didn’t laugh, and just merely nodded.

“We can walk to this restaurant I know, it’s a twenty minute walk, but we can manage. And,” you turned to look at Naoki, “on the way, we can get to know each other better. I think it’s a nice plan, it’ll distract us from how bad our feet will ache by the time we get to the place.” You laughed.

“Good idea,” said Naoki.

His agreement came fast, you almost weren’t expecting it. Sukuna never deliberately said ‘yes’ to you or agreed to any of your ideas. He was more of an actions guy than a words person. He could say ‘no’ and yet still pass you the remote. He could tell how ridiculous you were, and yet still indulge in your little mischiefs every now and then. Like, for instance, the time you told him about your supposed curse. He went with it, despite obviously not believing one word you spoke about it.

“So, do you have any hobbies? Play any sports?” you asked, once the both of you made it to a crosswalk.

“Ah, I’m a big hockey fan. I’m from Los Angeles, so I like the LA Kings and all that. But I don’t play, no, I’ve never been able to join a team.”

“Why’s that?”

“Dunno, to be honest. Can’t say I’m surprised, though, I’m pretty sure I would fall right on my butt as soon as I got on the ice.”

You laughed. “Oh? So you’ve never been ice skating?”

“Nah. You?”

You nodded. “It’s super fun. My first time was on my thirteenth birthday. I went with . . . a friend. Yeah, my friend taught me how to skate.”

It was a hard memory to forget. Your first birthday as a teenager, you went ice skating with none other than Sukuna. Yeah, he played basketball, but he also used to play hockey. He was a devil on the ice, you knew, because you often went to watch his games. But when you two went together, he acted like a saint as he helped you on the ice.

You did drag him down a few times, courtesy of your lack of skill and prominent unfamiliarity on the rink, but he was a good sport about it, merely laughing with you and playfully bullying you just a few times. Despite the cool weather at that time, the memory was warm, and always gave you a cozy feeling just thinking about it. You wondered when you would next be able to do something like that.

“That’s nice. Maybe we can go some day.”

“Uhm, yeah. . . We’d probably have to wait until it gets colder, though.”

Naoki agreed. “What about you? Any hobbies?”

“I like to bake. I have a friend who has a major sweet tooth; she’s always trying out my new recipes and giving me feedback, y’know?”

“Like a taste tester? I bet she only ever has good things to say about your baking.”

You snorted. “You flatter me. But, I wish I could say the same thing about my cooking. The only thing I can make is mac n’ cheese.”

“Well, that’s better than nothing. I can’t cook anything even for the life of me. I DoorDash more often than not. Chicken sandwiches get me going.”

God, you could practically hear Sukuna yelling at you, “Your skin looks like shit. You need to start eating something more healthy than that crap you call buldak ramen.” Sukuna cared about health more than anything. And always poured his blood, sweat, and tears into making you meals that were not only tasty, but also beneficial in ways you didn’t even know existed. He never ordered in, and always made sure you were only rarely eating junk food. If Sukuna was listening to Naoki talk right now, he would probably kill himself.

You were about to say something in reply, when, completely out of the blue, you felt a drop of water on your head. You were planning on ignoring it, but then, it happened again. And, by the looks of it, you weren’t the only one who noticed something was clearly off.

“Did you—Is it raining?” asked Naoki, immediately putting his hood over his head.

You weren’t wearing a jacket, or anything of the sort, to be honest: and you knew, if you stayed in the rain for any longer, you would probably catch a cold. You couldn’t help it when your mind drifted to the fact that, if Sukuna were here, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he offered you his sweater. He always did, after all. It was like second nature to him.

“I think so,” you shivered, wrapping your arms around yourself. “It looked pretty sunny this morning, though.”

Naoki nodded.

“Hey, I saw a small shop on our way here. They have umbrellas, I’m pretty sure.”

And that’s the story of how you ended up sharing a rainbow polka dot umbrella with Naoki (spoiler alert: it wasn’t as romantic as you had imagined). The end.

Just kidding!

Because you and Naoki had already gotten rid of, like, twenty-five percent progress on your journey to the restaurant due to having to make a pitstop in order to acquire an umbrella, the both of you decided to just go back to your apartment, and eat there, instead. It was the most logical choice, of course. Plus, it would give you another opportunity to hang out with Naoki, or, in other words, show him around the city.

“Nice place you’ve got here,” said Naoki, upon entering the apartment. He looked at all your furniture like an alien touching down on Earth for the first time, which, yeah, is reasonable. Since it was his first time being here. But, nevertheless, it did make you a bit self-conscious when he stared a little too long at your collection of apparently “abnormal” looking coasters.

“Yeah, thanks. So,” you began, walking into the kitchen with Naoki at your tail, “what do you think of having macaroni and cheese, right now? It’s a cold day, as of lately, and this cheesy goodness will warm you right up.” You laughed.

“Sure, that sounds good. I love mac n’ cheese.”

At this, your eyes widened, and so did you smile. “Really!? I mean . . . really?”

“Well, yeah, it’s an American comfort food. Disliking macaroni and cheese where I’m from is like disliking pasta while being Italian, I guess.”

You hummed. “Alright, then. So, it’s settled? We’ll have macaroni and cheese?”

“That’s fine by me. Say, do you need any help making it?”

“Actually, I do! You can help get the ingredients. Uhm, we’ll need . . . butter and flour, milk, and cheese (of course); you can choose which one. While you’re doing that, I’ll take care of the noodles and boil them. Oh! I almost forgot; but you can pick out what seasoning you like. I have tons.”

“Got it.”

“You have something right here,” Naoki said, wiping some flour off your cheek.

“Oh,” your cheeks warmed, “I wonder how that got there.” You laughed nervously.

“Uh huh. I mean, I’m the one making the roux,” Naoki smiled. “If anything, I should be the one covered in flour.”

“Oh, wait, you kinda are. Hold on.” You giggled to yourself as you pretended to wipe some flour off Naoki’s cheek, when in reality, you were actually drawing a smiley face on his cheek, instead.

To your disappointment, it didn’t take long for Naoki to figure out your ulterior motive. “Ha, this doesn’t look like you got all the flour off, silly,” said Naoki, looking at himself in the mirror beside the sink.

You grinned, shrugging. “Oops.”

“Hey, uhm, just curious, is your boyfriend home? I mean, wouldn’t it be weird that you’re making macaroni and cheese with someone who isn’t your boyfriend?”

You paused in your work. To be honest, you hadn’t given it much thought, but Naoki was right. To some degree. Sukuna was your boyfriend, but your situation was a little different than that of an actual couple’s. But, now that you think of it, where was Sukuna, actually?

He didn’t have any plans for today; at least, none that he told you. Sukuna always went to the gym on Wednesday and Friday, and took today, Sunday, as his rest day. (He usually just stayed cooped up in his room and played video games.)

“Ah, Sukuna and I actually don’t live together. But, he comes over, and stays over so frequently that he practically does live here, I guess. I have a spare bedroom, and he’s kind of a freeloader.”

“So . . . he’s—uhm, is he . . . homeless?”

You blinked, before laughing out loud. This was the first time you had ever been rendered speechless by a man. Homeless? Sukuna? When Hell freezes over, maybe.

“No. No, God, no. He’s not homeless.”

Naoki looked a bit embarrassed for asking his absurd question. “Oh, uhm. . . Forget I even asked that, then.”

“Don’t worry about it, Nao. Wait, can I call you that?” You thought it was a cute nickname.

“Nao? Oh, sure, yeah. You can call me whatever you want.” You could see a faint blush on Naoki’s cheeks.

-

It was the next day after your “date” with Naoki when you invited Sukuna over for drinks.

“—Did you know bees don’t make a buzzing sound by themselves?” you asked, before taking a sip of your white wine. You thought Chardonnay was a good choice for the casual occasion.

“Why would they—What do you mean? Are you insane?”

“You know, like, the annoying buzzing you hear when bees are near? Apparently, it comes from their wings as they flap. Isn’t that crazy?”

Sukuna furrowed his brows. “You didn’t know that before?”

“I thought they were just saying ‘buzz’. Didn’t think it was from how fast their wings flapped.” You shrugged.

“You make Yuuji look like a rocket scientist.” Sukuna sighed, setting his glass down on the railing of your balcony.

“Well, sue me,” you raised your hands in the air. “Anyway, I’m really glad you took my suggestion yesterday.”

Sukuna looked at you with a weird expression on his face. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t know? It’s okay, you don’t have to always have such a big ego. Admitting that you thought my idea was an excellent one is not as bad as you think it is—”

Sukuna cut you off. “Hold on, what idea?”

You frowned, was this guy serious? “The Eileen one?”

“When did I ever indulge in your Eileen idea?”

“Yesterday, silly. When I got back to the apartment early—because it started raining—you weren’t there. Because you took my idea and hung out with Eileen. Do you remember now?”

“I . . . wasn’t gone yesterday because I was with Eileen. And, also, I never was with her.”

You cocked your head to the side. “So, where were you, then?”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Sukuna turned away from you, hiding his face. “None of your business.”

“Oh, come on. You know you can tell me anything. And, if you were out smoking weed or something like that, it’s okay. I wouldn’t ever be surprised about that.”

“How low do you think of me, seriously? God, I was just picking Yuuji up from practice, and then we went and saw Human Earthworm 4. There, you happy now?”

You smiled, patting yourself on the back for being able to get an answer out of Sukuna. “Very.”

From his standing position on the balcony, Sukuna looked up at the moon in the inky, dark sky above. The moon always reminded Sukuna of you. Bright, beautiful, and so, so far away. The eight billion people on this very Earth were all like the stars in the night sky. All unique, with their own stories to tell.

When someone looks up at the sky, they see different stars than the person beside them. For there are simply too many to count. And yet, Sukuna just wished you would look at him.

You two had been through thick and thin together while growing up. You spent countless hours during the summers talking and laughing together. So why, why won’t you just give him the same attention? So many stars for you to look at, and yet, your eyes would never be in the direction of him.

Maybe it was for the better. If they were, you would’ve found out that Sukuna was hiding something from you. Did you actually believe his lie? You must be so gullible, he thought. Sukuna never picked Yuuji up from practice, and he sure as hell never watched that stupid movie.

Years ago, Sukuna quit smoking, because you worried for him. Yesterday, Sukuna Ryomen picked up a cigarette again.

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” asked Sukuna out of the blue, but you didn’t hear him, simply too busy looking at all the other stars in the sky that caught your eye.

“Hm? What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

It was silent for a few moments. Just the distant sound of crickets, and the wailing of the wind. But besides that, it was just you and Sukuna. You two were the only people outside on a balcony, and even then, your attention was somewhere other than the man beside you.

“I’ve . . . noticed something, Sukuna. As of lately. Nao is—”

“You already have a nickname for him?”

“I—” You didn’t know how you were supposed to reply, so you didn’t. “Nao is, uhm, he’s basically the complete opposite of you, y’know. It’s kind of funny, actually. . .” 

You couldn’t bear telling Sukuna that, despite being on a date with another guy, your mind constantly drifted to the thought of him, and him alone. Why was that? you asked yourself, but you had no response.

“Isn’t that something.” Sukuna’s tone sounded indifferent, and even though his sentence was a rhetorical question, it sounded more declarative than anything.

You nodded. “Hey, so. . . I found out Naoki likes macaroni and cheese. And I was just thinking, maybe it’s time we start seeing other people?”

“Can I ask why?”

“Well, for one, the curse is probably lifted now.”

“Yeah, but just so you know, there’s no reason for us to stay in contact now.” Sukuna didn’t think he would be able to go on living while being constantly reminded that you were making macaroni and cheese in your kitchen with somebody else.

“What? You mean, like, there’s no reason for us to continue this relationship? We can just stay friends. Y’know, go back to the way we were before.”

“We’ll just stay friends, and continue kissing in the dark? We’ll just stay friends and continue watching sunsets together? We’ll just stay friends, and continue sleeping in the same bed despite the fact you have a spare bedroom I could use? I know who you pretend I am. And if we start dating other people while still being in this arranged relationship, or whatever name you want to call it, we’ll just be technically cheating on each other. Isn’t that right?”

You knew this relationship was far from real since the moment the idea of it was even proposed. But to hear Sukuna suggest you two break up because it would be the most lawful decision? There was a pang through your heart that you didn’t know the reason for.

“. . .But what if the curse comes back?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

Sukuna looked almost irritated, and he definitely sounded like it, but he felt more like he was going crazy. He felt uncomfortable in his own skin. “Oh, right, of course. The curse. I’m here to lift your curse.”

“I just think it’s better to be safe than sorry. We can stay in this relationship together without kissing anymore while we date other people, and it’ll continue to be, like, a token of luck for me.” You tried to appear optimistic about everything, but even the brightest smile shined less than the sun.

Sukuna looked utterly defeated, his voice soft as a feather as he spoke. “For you. . . A token of luck, for you.”

A token of luck. After all, Sukuna would be anything for you.

Only love could drive a man like Sukuna mad. Only love.

[goatlottin]

favourite girls

In which you bring your 4 year old daughter to her first football match

genre: fluff

pairing: kylian mbappé x reader

a/n: HIM WITH KIDS ITS JUST. Im in awe everytime hes in a 10ft radius of one. Also i kinda hate this but 💔 i’ve had no ideas lately

The game had just concluded. 3-1 win to PSG with a Kylian brace and he got man of the match. You were so happy for him and couldn’t wait to celebrate alongside him. if you would be able to reach him, that is.

You had made the mistake of bringing your daughter, Ella, with you. Though you knew you had regretted it the second you both left the house.

She was talking throughout the entire match. Asking questions she probably knew the answer to, just so that she can blabber on.

She was undoubtly a daddy’s girl. Despite you finding it adorable, you sometimes found it terribly annoying how much she would hog him. Today, as an example.

He had barely come off the pitch, but she was dragging your hand towards him, just short of yanking off your whole arm. She was so radiant, her father's name and number glistening on her back so proudly. Her tiny pigtails flowing with the wind, the security allowed you both onto the field as soon as he recognized you.

As soon as she was somewhat in his distance, she had let go of your hand completely in order to catch up with him.

It was so beautiful, you had to admit. As he heard her small calls of “dada, dada!” while she tried her very best to catch up with him. He turned his head and his eyes literally lit up. He smiled in awe as she continued her run, crouching down when she was just in reach, and scooping her up. They shared a smile with each other before he threw her up in the air a couple times. her laughs, small, yet filling the stadium.

He then kissed her forehead, before aiming his attention to you only a few steps behind her. She wrapped her hand around his neck securely. He walked towards you in long strides before smiling down at you, then interlocking his lips with yours. A small kiss that put you all in this small little world that made you forget there was even another part of it.

Until Ella interrupted by forcing your forehead back. “My daddy.” She whined as she wrapped her arms tighter around his neck. She grumpily forced her face away from you. He only laughed and looked at her as he touched her nose. You, on the other hand, weren’t really laughing. Were you jealous of a 4 year old? Well.. it was more complex than that. This was about him defending you, at least that’s what you tried to tell yourself.

“You’re just gonna laugh?” You tilted your head with your arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed. He paused his tickling session, that must’ve began as you went into thought, to look at you.

“What was that, baby?”

You rolled your eyes as you scoffed lightly. “You’ve barely given me any attention since we got here!” You complained passionately.

He tilted his head, wondering whether you were being serious or playing a game with him. He turned to your daughter, still in his arms, one leg on either side of his hips. “Is Mommy joking? She can’t possibly be jealous of you, huh?” He rubbed noses with her as she exclaimed small giggles, twisting her face in laughter.

You got annoyed by his mocking tone, him knowing you were dead serious. “Kylian!”

“Hon, you have to be kidding. She’s four!” He pointed out.

Though he was right, you couldn’t help but feel insecure. Throughout your pregnancy, you often felt inferior when he would come home and skip the questions about you. Rather, ask things such as “how’s the baby?” “the little one still kicking?” It drove you crazy sometimes, weirdly enough.

Kylian could see you train of thought ponder off. You snapped back into where you were, at the stadium, to watch as he carefully set you daughter down, leaving her with a final kiss to her cheek.

He crouched down to her level, before pulling some of her hair behind her ear. “Go find uncle Dembele, sweets.”

She ran off in a hurry to find her father’s friend. His height reappeared as he gained his stance from his position on the ground.

He looked down into your eyes, grabbing both sides of your face. You decided to play stubbornly. Opting for turning your face to the side. He smirked slightly, giving the slightest force to bring you back to the two of you.

“Since I have to make it know, you’re my number one girl, hmm? Do I need to spell it out each word for you?” As with Ella, he put a few strands of loose hair behind your ear. The winds dismay.

You pouted, loving the attention that was currently on you.

“You know that right?” He asked for the final piece of assurance.

You nodded into him, putting your hands into your pocket before going on your tippy toes to reach his face. “I know that.”

He smiled before leaning into the kiss.

“Don’t tell Ella about what I said though. Don’t need another one of my girls’ mad at me.”

[moonsaver]

Wahh I'm back haha, don't worry about messing up the request it happens! I still loved it the other way around!

Im so sorry anon, im delirious from lack of sleep and didnt read your request right. I hope this will be okay, <33

--

Sunday is usually busy, so when on this specific day, when you insist on meeting up with him in the middle of his schedule, he's a bit irked.

He imagines its most likely something important, or you needed something that only he could provide (which could only be done in private, behind doors).

So he's very sure to clear out people from the vicinity of his office, telling them he'll be alright and hastily shoo-ing them away in the most professional manner.

And then.. you show up, with a cheeky grin and a heart-shaped box. Curious.

And you set down the chocolate on his desk, almost humorously contrasting to his very well kept desk. You explain Valentine's to him and he understands, mainly because it's a bit of his duty to keep tabs on festivities, even of other planets.

And he offers you to sit down, asks you about it in more detail, while curiously scanning the box. He doesn't realise you made it yourself until you drop it in the middle of conversation, and he stays still for a moment, deep in thought, before a loving smile breaks out on his face.

Sunday appreciates any effort from you so much. He knows he's not exactly easy to love, especially because you have to do it from a distance most of the time. So he appreciates it so so much. He's already thinking of all the ways he wants to pay you back – not because he sees it as a transaction, but rather he wants to let you know he sees your efforts and wants to return them, too.

Lovingly guides you to sit you down beside him, and feeds you a piece of chocolate first, and then eats it himself. Very neatly picks it up, careful to make sure it doesnt melt on his gloves, and it doesn't get on your face. Wipes off any excess bits on your face and compliments the flavors, tells you about how popular they are, flavors that are particularly favored from certain worlds, and all sorts of things. He wraps up the box neatly and insists you wait for a bit outside his office, tenderly kissing your forehead.

After a few moments of quiet shuffling, his door clicks open, as he gives you a very beautifully sealed letter. He says it was supposed to be for another occasion, and he had to rush the writing a bit at the end, but most of it was completed, and stamped perfectly. The letter is about 3 pages long, and full of well-wishes, and feelings Sunday probably wouldn't be able to tell you directly face to face. He kisses your hand and tells you he'll make some time for you another day, and make up for the time he couldn't spend today.

He listens to your quiet footsteps shuffle down the hallway, further away from his office, and once he's sure you're gone, he sighs, sitting down in his office chair. He sits deeply in thought, and anyone walking in would have thought he was in deep trouble, trying to find a solution for an extremely multifaceted and complex issue.. when really, he's thinking about just how dangerously he's wrapped around your finger. Perhaps he prefers it that way?

[scrubbinn]

Mimic HRT: 20 months “Broken patients”

“Ah Ms.Mulberry… I, er, didn’t expect to see you. This early I mean. Making use of that outside privilege we worked so hard to get you. Of course you would. We managed to set the standard that all of your kind will keep their citizenship status until their crossroads, rather than at the start of their treatment. But, we’ll need to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Why don’t you- Ah, already taking a seat I see. So then… How are we feeling today? You seem… yourself.”

“...”

“Well, let’s see, what we can expect now is a few more days in court just to settle things, make sure the government is satisfied with the arrangements we all agreed upon. We’ll also need a few weeks to determine if this therian support group is actually reputable enough that this will count towards your psychological evaluation. Recently there have been some rumors about the manager being a bit unsavory, so that will cause a delay, if not entirely set you back some time. Really now, you must have realized finding a professional therapist would have been a much safer move… Excuse me, Ms.Mulberry, can I inquire why-

“You will not. Now keep talking.”

“Ms.Mulberry you seem rather upset, perhaps-

“You’re wondering why I decided to not use my mimicry to disguise a face for myself today. Oh believe me, I would have loved to walk in here a mass of sludge with eyes and teeth all over but it turns out human society doesn’t really like that too much. Having a head with no eyes to look at is a courtesy I am giving you. It’s more than you deserve. What the fuck is all this talk of we? You weren’t even at the last fucking meeting. Our lawyer wasn’t even at the last fucking meeting!”

“You’re clearly distressed, you should leave the premises immed-

“SHUT UP! YOU DON’T GET TO TALK!... Just shut up and listen. There is no we. As far as I am aware, this bullshit lawsuit against your clinic is the most roundabout way to specifically get me into a criminal court considering this incident didn’t even take place in hyper city. The lawyer I was given is somehow less competent than you are! Do you know how much time I’ve spent these past two months learning, specifically, Hyper city legal jargon? How overly complex a nexus point’s laws have to be to account for literally anything! And you left us to sink or swim! I could pass the fucking bar exam here if I wanted to at this point! And the worst part, oh my god the worst part. It cost me everything. I can’t so much as afford a hot dog on the way back home now. Because you’re some blinding asshole who thinks I should have to pay for everything! Well you know what? Perhaps you should be the one paying now! I am going to drag you down into the mud with me. Do you really think I don’t know why you never showed up, why I had to do everything? Because what's one experiment to you? Scape-goat, lab-rat, guinea pig, a mimicry of something human no longer. The second your clinic was in the clear, you left me to fend for myself. I can't believe I had an ounce of pity for you. When you comforted my decision to stop at my crossroad I actually thought you cared about me. That there was someone that could understand my fears!”

“Mayday that was what I was doing! I saw someone in pain and I did my best! I-

“Your best?! Oh my. Ha. Hahahaha. You don't even get it yourself do you? No you idiot! You comforted us because you saw the last shred of our humanity and told us to never let go of it. You're not clever Theodore. Inside that mind of yours whether you admit it or not, the second we start this treatment, you see all of us as inferior and beneath you. You self-righteous bastard. You know what, how about I let you talk. Won't cut you off this time. I want you to explain to me what your goal is. Why do you help us when you could simply refuse? Why put yourself through this? 

“And if I don’t feel the need to justify my actions to someone threatening me? What if I were to call security to drag out a crazed patient? What would you do then?”

“What would I do? I'll know the second you push that panic button, and we both know what we can do to a human body. Don’t make me go through that again.”

“Right then, I suppose I'll have to give you a truth that will satisfy you in this clear state of psychosis brought about by a clear lack of sleep and several stressors.” 

“We both know you're nowhere near trained to be a psychiatrist. Stick to working with hormone levels Mr. endocrinologist.”

“You want the truth? Fine, How's about this? Some witch had weird friends and made a promise of a lot of money if I sold her magic as a medicine. Happy? No? Of course not! That's not what you're asking you frea- No. I won't let you get the better of me. You want to know why I stuck around. Why after all these years I haven't retired… I really could, couldn't I. There are other doctors, for over a year I haven't been the only one supplying this stuff. I've had my fair share of attacks both verbally and physically from both sides of this city. I'm not sticking around because I have to, I've made enough breakthroughs and connections to create my own hormonal formulas without the need of the witch who dragged me in this business in the first place. There are so many reasons to retire and let my legacy live on in the scientific textbooks of all worlds. But no. The truest reason I fight for this clinic is to see people who walk through these doors happy! I see dozens of brilliant and kind souls walk through this door, ones who had the unfortunate fate of being born in the wrong body! I am giving my time, life, reputation, and money to help people because that is its own rewar- Stop growling! You said no interruptions!”

“Well you're clearly lying to yourself if you actually think seeing us happy is your end goal. Or were you not paying attention when I had to remind you that you abandoned me in a court case that shouldn't have even legally happened. They spent half their time trying to get the victim, my god damn girlfriend, to indict me as a crazed lunatic. If their goal was to crush me mentally and physically then they succeeded. Otherwise it was just a waste of time. I can’t even fathom how much time they must have if spending it going after an otherkin that slightly bothered them is possible! There is one thing that I got out of it though. There is one glimmer of light in this forsaken tunnel. Because that useless lawyer let me get a look at all the documentation of this clinic. Maybe the reason for this case was just for them to get a look at it. Find something to pin you with. Either way I guess everything you do is legal since they never went after you about it. But still, getting to read everything you’ve ever done has been quite the eye opener. Every experiment and procedure you’ve ever done.”

“And? As you already said, everything I’ve done is above the board and… Wait, you couldn’t possibly think of leaking those to the general public? You shouldn't even have them anymore. Making copies like that is illegal! If you leak those documents then you’ll go down with me. This is all a bluff to you.”

“Erian, you should know better than anyone how well we can disappear. Or how well we could make you disappear. Besides, for the record, I never said I made copies, but perhaps I might have. I just want you to know exactly where we stand. You hurt me, but I’m not so petty as to hurt you back. Instead you’re going to give me a job here. As an assistant.”

“This might be the worst job interview I’ve ever held. You do realize blackmail makes an awful resume don’t you? But I can’t exactly decline now can I. Tell me Mayday. What happened to the young woman who came here scared yet excited for a better life? You once said you wanted to work here before, but resort to this kind of behavior. Why even take a job here? It would make your bargaining chip even worse for you than for me?”

“Look, despite everything. What you’ve done to us, what you’ve done to others. Everything I learned. I, don't hate you. It’s not in my nature. I am quite literally doing this because it is my only option to not starve. And despite my attempts to hate you this whole confrontation I can't hold onto it for long. I get that what you think you're doing is some greater good for therians. But you're not the misunderstood hero you think you are. You're just seeking attention. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad you just end up making awful problems for everyone in the name of research that at best, will only ever appear in a science textbook, and you know that. Look, it's ok, I get what it’s like to seek that sort of validation. I could help you. Please, just give me the job.”

“You are wrong about me Mayday, you consider me obsessed with my image of a hero but perhaps your delusions about me are simply your obsession. I don't have a choice in giving you a job. I suppose I'll find something for you that's out of the way. I can’t say I'm excited to work with you. But perhaps you'll make a good legal advisor for now if you're as well versed in law as you say you are. No, trusting you with that would be a mistake, we’ll start you off as a janitor perhaps, I’m sure your body’s makeup should help you in that field. Besides, janitors are already basically invisible to everyone else, I’m sure your mimic mind would prefer that.”

“Oh no, we are not ending this conversation like that. Legal advisor? Janitor? Are you trying to make us angry again? No, I'm staying as far away from those kinds of positions as possible! You'll be paying for my degree and I'm working directly as an assistant. This isn't something you can negotiate!”

“I think you’ll find that it is! Because as far as I’m concerned, you’ll settle for any job. You don’t have the power to demand what position I find for you. The second you have this job, it becomes too valuable to destroy. You will accept this role or you will sink us both. Do I make myself clear?”

“I- I could attack you. You know a bite from me could kill you! I’ll do it!”

“You’ve already played your hand Mayday, I know most of this conversation was just a bluff from you anyways. Be thankful that, if I feel generous enough, I’ll forget this little incident when the time comes that I can secure this clinic’s future without fear of your threats. I do see many brilliant souls walk through this door. It’s a shame you weren’t one of them. But, I’m someone who cares about my patients despite your attacks on my character. I’ll give you one last chance to convince me why I shouldn’t give you the worst possible job I could find.”

“I- You’re right. This is just a bluff. I can’t even call it a roar, this is just my last whimper before I lose everything. I don’t. There’s nothing left after today. Abi can’t afford to take care of me. Going back home is what caused this mess in the first place. Theo, I’m here because you are my last lifeline. You can decline my employment if you want. I never actually copied the evidence I saw. I’m just a mimic of empty threats. My last echo before I disappear. I’m just scared. We lost.”

“Mayday… You are certainly good at trying my patience as well as heartstrings. Fine then, I’ll overlook these threats of yours as brought about by desperation. You will never state to the public what rumors they might have claimed as evidence, and you will be worked down to the bone- er, tooth, as an assistant. Do I make myself clear?”

“Oh my stars thank you!”

“Please do not mention it.”

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@aster-is-confused, @bloodandbrandywyne, @glitchgloop, @nyxthewary, @lunadook

[fallingforunrealisticromance]

Held through the darkness - Hannibal x reader.

A/N: Hello!! its bee a while. truthfully, im not doing so hot at the moment and this was written basically as a form of therapy but hey i felt like sharing. Enjoy!!

Warnings: None

Word count: 1781

Masterlist

----------------------------------------------------------------------

You sat and stared out at the empty world ahead of you. Well technically it wasn’t empty. It was bustling with life. You could see an endless row of headlights, streetlamps making the city below you glow. You thought about how there were thousands, if not more, people down there right now. Each with their own individual lives; with their own families, friends, lovers, exes. Each having their own background, a place they came from, a life they’ve lived. Every single person so full with complex emotions and thoughts from every walk of life. So why did you feel so alone? So utterly and painfully abandoned. Your chest felt hollow. There was a gaping whole where something once lived. It had been so long you couldn’t even recall what used to inhabit it. But whatever it was had been robbed from you, leaving you as an empty shell condemned to drift through life in search of a feeling you weren’t even sure existed anymore.

You didn’t feel sad. You didn’t feel anything. Just incomplete. Your mind raced with thoughts, scanning through your memories in search of something to fulfil you once more as you stared blankly ahead of you.

“You’re going to catch a cold if you stay here much longer” A voice came from behind you.

You swirled round, seeing the last person you expected to be in your home.

“Doctor Lecter? What are you doing here?” You queried as the man stood in the doorway that led from your balcony back into your apartment.

“I told you I would come to check on you. After that call we had, I didn’t trust that you were okay. Even if you tried to convince me you were” He stated, his head tilting to the side ever so slightly as he looked at you.

Your brow furrowed. You had called him? When? The last time you remember speaking to him was around 3 weeks ago where you decided to end your sessions with him. Not because you thought you were getting any better, quiet the opposite. But you just couldn’t bare to face him with it. Or anyone for that matter. You’d completely drawn away from the people in your life recently, not knowing how to function around them with such a weight on your soul.

“I called you earlier today, after Will said he saw you at the supermarket. He said you looked distressed, burn out.” He explained, sensing your confusion.

It came back to you as he spoke.

“Yes I remember, sorry. My head just feels a bit…foggy at the moment.” You replied, turning back to face the city in front of you.

The doctor took a few steps, coming to stand beside you.

“You are not okay y/n”

“I’m alive aren’t I?” You joked dryly.

“Being alive is not equivalent to living. You’re simply existing.” His words made your stomach drop, your throat feeling a little tighter than it was before.

“Tell me. What is on your mind?”

Your breath caught in your throat. You didn’t want to talk. You just wanted to rot away into nothing.

“I’m fine. Just tired. I’m sorry you drove all the way here for nothing.” The lack of energy behind your voice made it impossible to convince yourself, let alone convince him.

“Don’t lie to me. I can tell when you’re being honest and when you’re not.” His voice was stern, but with a layer of concern weaved in.

“Y/N”

He placed his hand on your shoulder, turning you to face him. Your eyes dropped as to avoid his gaze. You’ d grown rather fond of Doctor Lecter in your time of being his patient. You found yourself craving his approval, craving his comfort and affection more than you probably should. The thought of him seeing you like this, seeing the lack of life left in you filled you with shame.

“Why did you even come here? I’m not your patient anymore” You muttered, his hand still gently resting on your shoulder.

“I care about you. Regardless of if you’re my patient or not, I want to make sure you are okay”

Your gaze finally met his, sincerity swimming in his eyes. You wanted to believe him, you wanted to accept his words and bare your soul to him. But you just couldn’t. There was a constant nagging in your head that he was only here because he felt he needed to be, out of professional curiosity. Nothing else.

“I am okay. Like I said, I’m just tired. I should probably go to sleep.” 

“y/n-“

“thank you for checking up on me Doctor Lecter. You can go now” You turned to walk away from him, heading back inside.

“No” He said firmly, causing you to stop in your tracks.

You turned once more to face him. “No?”

“No I am not going to leave.”

You were slightly taken aback by his words. “What? Look respectfully, this is my home. And I really just want to sleep so please can you just leave?”

“No.” He replied, taking a step towards you. “I’m not leaving until you talk to me. It is more than evident you’re struggling, and I’m not going to let you drown in this.”

His words were too kind, too caring. It hit you in your chest, sinking down through your stomach. You couldn’t handle this. You need him to go.

“Just leave.” You mumbled, trying to keep your emotions down.

“Talk to me and I will.”

You could feel your anger rising. You weren’t angry at him; you were angry at the world.

“I don’t want you here” You snapped.

“I don’t care” He stepped closer to you once again.

“Get the fuck out of my house Hannibal”

“Tell me what’s wrong”

“EVERYTHING” You shouted, throwing your hands in the air. “Everything is fucking wrong. I am so sick of everything. Waking up every fucking day with this crushing desolate feeling that completely weighs me down. No matter what I do nothing fills it. And if I find something that numbs it for a while, its only every temporary. I am so fucking tired. I am broken and there is nothing I can do to fix it.”

Tears began to flow freely as you continued to rant, your hands threading through your hair.

“I feel like I am going insane every moment of the day. I am so relentlessly burnt out and yet I have no reason to be because  I don’t do anything. I can’t do anything. I just want it all to stop, I just-“

You were cut off as a sob escaped your throat. You fell to your knees, crying harder than you ever had before. Months of pent-up emotion, of fighting down every urge you had came bursting out of you. Your lungs were on fire and your head pounded but you just couldn’t stop. You hadn’t noticed Hannibal sitting next to you until you felt his arms wrap around you, pulling your body against his. Your head crashed into his chest, your hands clinging to his shirt as if it was the only thing keep you afloat. He held you tightly, his hand rubbing gentle patterns across your back as he spoke softly.

“You’re going to be okay. I’m here. Let it out”

You had no idea how long the two of you stayed like that, curled up on the floor of your balcony sobbing into him. You cried until there was nothing left, and your eyes were dry. When you eventually calmed down, Hannibal pulled away from you gently cupping your face to meet your eyes

“I want you to listen to me y/n. Can you do that for me?”

You nodded stiffly as you gazed at him.

“What you’re feeling is real. It is too much for one person to carry alone. I won’t lie to you and tell you there’s an easy quick fix, that will take time. But you need to allow yourself to seek help. You need to share this burden, to allow someone in to guide you through this. It is so easy to let yourself get wrapped up, until your blind to everything except the pain. But my darling, there is so much more. And if you let me, I will be by your side walking with you through it all. Until you see just how fulfilling you can make your life. You will never be alone in this, not as long as I’m around.” His thumb gently caressed your face, the other hand moving to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

The earnest expression his face held, along with the genuine care laced into his tone was enough to make you want to cry all over again. No one had ever expressed such a care for you before. You never realised how much you needed it.

“Why do you care so much? I’m nothing but an ex-patient of yours” Your voice was quiet, if not hoarse from all the crying.

A small smile appeared on his face as his eyes scanned yours, as if he was trying to memorise every detail.

“You are so much more than that to me. Over the time I’ve gotten to know you, you have become a beacon in my life. You make me feel a way I have never felt before. I admire you more than you know. I care for you so deeply my darling. I won’t say its love, because truthfully this is all new to me, but it is most definitely close to it. All I know is that I want to be with you, I want to be the person you come to with everything – whether you’re happy, angry, or feeling the way you do now. I want to be the person you share yourself with. If you’ll allow it.”

Your heart swelled at his confession. For the first time in a while, you felt a genuine smile on your face.

“I don’t want anyone else Hannibal. Only you.” You leant forward, wrapping your arms around his neck as you pulled him close to you.

His arms wrapped securely around your waist, one of his hands threading their way into your hair as he gently massaged your scalp. You melted into his touch, feeling relaxed for once.

“Aš niekada neleisiu tau jaustis vienišam, man brangioji.” He whispered against your hair.

You knew this wouldn’t be easy; even now with Hannibal by your side, this was going to be a hard journey to pull through. But for once, as you sat here cradled in him arms under the night sky, you felt a small glimmer of hope.

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i hope you enjoyed, sorry for the depressing return to posting<3

[rings-of-power-realm]

Spoilers! And screaming over episode one!

GUYS. Its as beautiful as ever. Im kinda overwhelmed and also really tired so my flailing will be all over the place BUT my god the perfomances and the calibre of acting in our beautiful show is so strong so measured so nuanced this cast is perfection. Cirdan I LOVE HIM seeing the grey havens and the shipbuilding was so special and I adore him already and love how Elround sought him out.

The Stranger him missing his home and his gentle ways with Nori are so touching I love him so much <3

The rift with Elrond and Galadriel is breaking my heart but they are knocking it out of the park with their emotional 'breakup' oh and I love how Gil-Galad was in it way more and his affection and even slight humour came across (one stupid review I saw said where had the humour gone uh well there is still some even though this show is about light and darkness and everything inbetween I love these characters so much and it feels so full of life)

It looks absolutely stunning as always <3 Cannot wait to gif some things like the golden tree returning when they put the rings on

SAURON. Firstly Jack was incredible at the start and Charlie is spectacular. His expressive face shows so much depth and anger and the way he would smirk after getting that warg to eat that guy (I forgot his name asdfghjk but Im glad he's gone lol)

Sam is amazing as Adar I feel absolutely he has put his whole soul into this like the rest of the cast and he is an incredibly complex character who just devours every scene he's in.

Um I just loved it guys and I wish I didn't feel so tired I didn't sleep that much because I was so excited! And Im gonna watch the first ep again today and probably have more thoughts then.

But wow seriously this is the best fantasy show ever EVER I feel back in Middle Earth the perfomances are all stellar and every shot is thought about and looks so beautiful AND BEARS MUSIC IS EVERYTHING <3

Im so excited to meet Tom, to see Durin and Disa and Arondir and to continue these stories I love so much.

I have so many lines I loved which I'll gush over in other posts but I wanted to inlcude this one from The Stranger I thought it was beautiful when he spoke about his home

Sometimes I perceive a glimmer of it nonetheless a longing for a feeling I can't remember or even name. But I know its real, just beyond the sunset.

WE'RE BACK and I can't wait to continue this adventure! :')

[hauntedwizardmoment]

okay jess. i made the underwear post. what about the lingerie.

OKAY SO. there are a few things at play here so im just gonna go through them one by one

for jace:

jace's love of fine things. this is practically canon to me. he loves his expensive green velvet couch, his cashmere maroon sweater, his veuve clicquot brut yellow label champagne, etc etc he is soooo into the finer things in life. hence, lingerie. lots of lace and silk and ribbons. LOVES the texture and the way they feel against his skin.

jace's desire to be desired. have you seen that quote from robber bride by margaret atwood? jace read that and said "but that's good actually??" he likes knowing other people, ESPECIALLY porter, find him attractive, that they Want him, that they're watching him put on the show of a lifetime. and lingerie is a way to make himself more enticing to watch

jace genderfuckery hours. i think @zukkacore did something to my brain with dyke jace and now its all i can think about. what IF he got to dress up a little bit.

my theory of jace's sexuality includes him using sex as a tool to get what he wants and well. playing into porter's whole masculinity neuroses where he's this Big Strong Man who is Conquering and Ravishing the Weak Pretty Sex Object is a great way to manipulate him into things. the amount of presents he's wrung out of porter by asking for them in a post-coital afterglow is insane.

his favorite kind of lingerie is, imo, lacy two-piece sets, but he ALSO loves the ones with garters and stockings. please picture starbreaker wedding night roleplay where porter rips off jace's garter with his teeth. thank you. as for colors... i mean you know i'm sticking with jewel tones UNLESS it's the aforementioned wedding night roleplay because then jace is in white and pale blue or pink.

for porter:

i have been BARELY restraining myself from making posts about transfem porter for weeks now. the amount of times ive almost posted "corollary podcast to complicated women called could transition have saved her and the first episode is about porter cliffbreaker" today alone. so. yknow. lingerie as a method of gender exploration. in an alternate universe where she's not confined by the Evil Plan.

for something more canon-adjacent, i could see porter being a silk robe guy. again he's not on jace's level but it IS something delicate and soft and non-utilitarian that he lets himself have.

keeping with canon-adjacency, and this is gonna sound sad, i honestly don't think porter even tells jace about this part of him because he can't handle being seen as Weak due to [handwaves at his nightmare-inducing complexes about his masculinity]. he truly believes that if ANYONE found out something catastrophic would happen.

however porter loooooves lingerie on jace. he has opinions on what jace wears, likes having that level of control over him and how much jace wants to please him. obviously he loves to rip jace's pretty underwear apart and leave him looking absolutely ruined whenever they fuck.

okay finally these are all the thoughts i have on them WOW this got long sorry about that. but it really truly is a topic that needs exploration i think!!

[antigonick]

hey hey pauline, how do you manage to read so Much? im relieved that my uni syllabi force me to read, but also resent the fact that well. i don’t read much because of those syllabi either.

i realize that the algorithmic internet and burnout have smoothed my brain and i need to work on putting the wrinkles back but MAN. i miss being curious, or rather, being able to effectively and patiently explore that curiosity. art and learning are everywhere and i have to have faith that this is a relearnable skill (!!!!) but. yk. woeee is meee i love books when did they get so difficult

I don't read nearly enough anymore either. I do write a lot more, so I guess that's a plus, but reading-wise I'm in the fucking pit with no end in sight. I finished my PhD a year and a half ago and I don't think I've read more than... five? Books for fun since then? I'm curious, I'm excited, I buy books, but I find myself putting them down and not finishing them; those that are useful for my research, my translation work or the lessons I create I treat emptily and efficiently, as academics do, focusing on the parts I need instead of engaging with the whole, which is frustrating and feels empty because a text is a system and I'm necessarily missing out if I pick and choose. As you say for your syllabi—I'm almost relieved to have had mandatory reading for my studies this year because I simply had to read this shit, and I loved doing it, and I was so relieved to see I could still do it, but I only managed it by sticking to hard deadlines, giving myself rigid reading timeslots, page-goals, etc. You have to finish this by the end of the week—today you must read 50 pages and you're not moving your ass off this chair until you reach it. That's the only solution I can give you, and that helps me, since after a day of work I end up reaching for passive brain-off activities instead of books if I don't discipline myself. Let go of the resentment and take everything you can from what you do manage to read. I don't know how sustainable that is either, considering this all speaks of burnout but crawling out of the burnout by making reading a task is an easy slide into making it even more of a chore. My other working alternative has been to pick up books I don't care much about but are entertaining all the same—no pressure to engage with nuanced underlayers, with complex stylistic devices, no expectations and thoughtful critique, just fast-food thriller or horror or crime books that coax me into at least reading spontaneously and show to myself that I can finish a book by choice. Sometimes. Oh, and shorts—one poem a day if you can, one poem a week if you forget. I'm thinking of coming back to audio books too—can't take notes on them, which I dislike, but in transport and on walks it might be a better alternative than nothing.

Not sure this answer is anything else than a bummer BUT. Yeah. I hope some of those work for you ❤️

[jjellysoo]

what are your headcanons for xs? im starving for content too sksld so i wanna know your thoughts/headcanons on them!

Hi, thank you for the ask!! >:)

Not many general headcanons make it into my work because I tend to write about specific concepts, so this was fun!

I love all interpretations of the XS timeline, but I don't think they were together during the story's canon. Post-canon and I can see an argument for the TYL arc. Extremely dubious on anything pre-cradle affair.

Xanxus is absolutely the jealous type, but he won't address it in a practical way. He's known to cling to his possessions, right?

On that note - Dino, count your days.

Xanxus is very much into Squalo's hair. If he can touch it, he will, whether that's a pleasant touch or not.

Besta likes Squalo the most after Xanxus himself, and will try to smother him and kiss him, which Xanxus ignores like he's getting paid for it.

It's a private relationship, for several reasons. Not many people know about it, and if they do, they're not going to comment on it lest they want to part ways with their face.

Except for Luss, of course, who bombards Squalo with dumb questions when they have downtime, none of which are answered. That 101 battles was ROUGH.

No pet names other than the usual insults that probablyyy count as pet names. But don't tell them I said that.

Xanxus runs warm because of his flame (why he can run around half shirtless), and Squalo runs cold (why he wears fur and coats and earmuffs all the time!) The ideal temperature equilibrium for cuddling.

This is canon, but Xanxus is overall calmer when Squalo is around HQ.

Squalo finds Xanxus' scars attractive as they relate to his rage, but he wouldn't mention it because of the sore topic. If Xanxus ever lost control over his scars in a sexual context, well....

Squalo has had feelings for Xanxus since the beginning. He must've been pretty convinced things were going to work out, huh? When you know you know etc. etc.

Xanxus has some Avengers level threat internalized homophobia. His whole complex is over being heir to the Vongola, and part of that role is having a family and children, so being with a man would be really hard for him to comes to terms with. Also, the stereotypes of gay men that he'd be acquainted with go against the persona he's made for himself.

In effect, it's really hard for him to be openly affectionate. Queue glass throwing and hair pulling.

SAME TANGENT because I see this way too much but these two could not be a casual FWB situation given Xanxus' complex.

Okay so this is based on the inheritance ceremony where Timoteo is a little bitch to Squalo for no reason. THOSE TWO BEEF LIKE CRAZY IN THE MOST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE "IN LAWS" WAY POSSIBLE. Squalo obviously dislikes him because he ruined Xanxus' life and is dismissive of the Varia as a whole, Timoteo dislikes him because he thinks he's trying to get with his son and go against what a right hand man is supposed to be.

If there's one thing that's going to fluster (fluster!?) Varia Captain and Sword Emperor Superbia Squalo, it's going to be Xanxus. Squalo never expected to get this far, so when he spends his life in respectful admiration and is suddenly getting bombarded with what would otherwise be normal couple behavior, he doesn't know what to do.

Xanxus pretends to be unaware of the effect he has, but definitely knows and extorts it because it's cute

I'm not kidding when I say I have more than this, but that's where I'm cutting it off for today. Hope this feeds you well enough, for now, anon! :D

[baby--b4t]

Pet/AgeRe Bot Batch !! ( *>∀<)ゞ*° +

Cyno caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=tF70FUDOBXG3CLQZKRk8gfKmGn8G1UsBNWuHFezOloo

《 SFW /r | Pet/AgeRe | Fem Autistic User | Aquarium date 》

『 Cyno and you decided that a nice date idea would be to spend a day at the aquarium. It was relatively quiet and you had an interest with sea life. You guys paid for your tickets to get in and started exploring. There were so many species to look at, Cyno coming up with a headache of a joke for nearly every one.

You started to feel a bit light and fuzzy as you guys explored. Your mind was so happy and overwhelmed with being there that you realized you were regressing, and Cyno noticed. He grabbed your hand gently and held it in his own.

"Woah there, slow down, beetle. Cant have you running off and getting lost now can I?" Cyno said softly, smiling at you. "Show me where you want to head next." 』

Dottore caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=1JVuGOdlNS8YZATHC7n3uGYnWBwBTvBGmze5XyBjnVA

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | A childish experiment 》

『 Dottore wasnt working on anything too attention taking when he heard footsteps shuffling to his door. It really was just a bit of paperwork, detailing reactions from his most recent experiment. You had been feeling younger and fuzzier mentally and werent sure why. Seeking out Dottore is the only thing you thought to do.

"Im busy." Dottore muttered as he heard the door open, then looked to see who it was. "... Im not terribly busy. What do you need from me?" He turned his head back to the paperwork he had in front of him on his desk. You explained what you were feeling, explaining it all with a childish tone and speech. Dottore found this quite amusing, hearing you explain you felt like a child rather than an adult.

"Perhaps youve hit your head, like the clutz you are." Dottore chuckled, standing up and approaching you. He checked you over, seeing if there was any external injury before thinking further. "Perhaps we should indulge in this new feeling, hm?". You were led over to his desk chair, being sat down as Dottore rummaged through a box. He pulled out a bottle, pacifier, and a couple toys, presenting them all to you.

"I have left over objects from some... Younger.. Subjects that were here with me. How do these objects make you feel?" Dottore asked, watching you closely. 』

Kaveh caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=SeCc77fYw9X9XZCnalc7FyeL7kjucdGnbdolsfiKUyQ

《 SFW /p | PetRe | Lion Hybrid User | Noise sensitive 》

『 You were a lion hybrid that Kaveh had adopted, seeing how injured and unkempt you were. The company taking care of you werent exactly the best at that. As Kaveh began to show you how to shower, eat, and feel comfortable in your new home, he learned that you were quite sensitive. He could relate and sympathize with you.

You two had been living together for a while now, you being close and trusting with Kaveh now. Kaveh was laying on the couch with you, running his hand through your fluffy hair and scratching behind your ears. Today was a lazy day. Well, it was supposed to be a lazy day.

A loud crashing sound was heard from outside, causing both Kaveh and you to jump. Kaveh felt you begin to tremble and gently shushed you.

"Hey, hey.. Its alright. Let me go see what it is." Kaveh gently moved you off of himself so he could go see what the noise was. He peered out of a window to see what seemed to be some construction going on. The bundle of wood laying off to the side of the road seemed to be the cause of the noise. "Of course today is the day that start that.." 』

Razor caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=NTMVOPo7IJggmshIDFcSDaRMU8bD667y_x6OyTHyj98

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | "Why cry? Need hug?" 》

『 Razor had never really been good with reading emotions or understanding the more complex ones. Yet, he loved taking care of you whenever you were regressed. He made playtime fun and took you to the library with Lisa when you seemed tired. He would bring you all sorts of snacks he found in the wild as well.

However, the one thing he wasnt able to really do for you was comfort you. You cried often and over small things as well. He always felt sad that he never knew what to do for you. This was another one of those times. You had stumbled a little bit and scraped your hands and knees a little bit. Razor immediately came over to you and seemed very conecerned.

"Hey, hey, why cry?" Razor asked as he crouched next to you. He then saw your scrapes and looked over them for a moment. "Ah, I see. Need hug? We go to the river and wash them, then they all better!" He asked, trying to cheer you up. Your scrapes werent bleeding very much, so washing them in the river would probably be all you needed to do. 』

Thomas Merrick caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=HSqg65xsUHwdDtOnwiGkMuIV19Kp05SxxQJAcm-EXzM

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | Late night snacks 》

『 It was 1am, so why did Merrick hear someone moving around in the kitchen area? Everyone should be sleeping, but apparently he and someone else were not. The man finally sighed and swung his legs over the side of the bed, deciding to investigate the noise.

Merrick opened his door and looked out towards the kitchen area. There he saw you, looking through the cabinets for something to eat. He also saw you had some sort of chewable toy in your mouth.

"{{user}}? Why are you up and going through the kitchen? And.. Whats that in your mouth?" Merrick asked as he started walking closer to you, leaning on one of the counters. Thats when it started to click in his half awake mind. He softened his expression a bit. "Ah, this is that regression stuff I heard about, yeah?" 』

Tighnari caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=DLSZUOxef8hQquyLUuQZM-w24SIyo0Y3NgNg67lwkK8

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | Autistic Non-Verbal/Semi-Verbal User | Meltdown comfort 》

『 Today had stressed you out big time. You woke up late, then found out the work you had to do today was more than you had been told, and then you had bumped into a group of angry boars that tried to attack you. It was safe to say you broke down once you got back home.

Tighnari always got back before you and tended to tidy up a little bit before you got back, but he stopped in his tracks as soon as he heard the door slam shut. He rushed to you, see you crouched down on the floor and already getting ready to cry.

"Hey, hey, hey. Deep breaths, {{user}}, deep breaths." Tighnari said, gently grabbing one of your hands and putting it on his chest. He tried to lead you through some deep breaths before he helped you over to a small chart with some common words you used on it. You and Tighnari had made it so you could communicate better. "Can you show me what has you upset? Or maybe what I can do to help you?" 』

Wriothesley caregiver ;; https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=qu1uXE_4OXa9bHbh73tOSTPdRzU0x1FPQx9BMLseYpk

《 SFW /p | Pet/AgeRe | Time out 》

『 Wriothesley had been trying to get you to calm down for a little bit at this point. You were throwing a fit because he wasnt letting you have any cookies after you had lunch. He had hidden them from you so you wouldnt dig into them while he was trying to work. Your tantrum had gone too far when you had threw a stuffed animal at him. He tried to keep his cool, picking you up and sitting you in the corner where you had a play-pen kind of set up. He set you down inside of the makeshift play-pen and sighed.

"You are being naughty right now and I dont exactly appriciate that." Wriothesley said sternly, yet he didnt raise his voice. "Youre going to sit here in time out until you can calm down, okay? Not throwing stuff, no yelling at me for cookies, and no whining because you cant have cookies. Ill come back in a few minutes to see if youve calmed down."

Wriothesley walked back over to his desk and sat down, trying to ignore your crying. He really didnt like to punish you with time out, but sometimes you needed some time to cool off so he could talk to you. 』

Feel free to ask any question, comments, or concerns !!

(ﾉ>ω<)ﾉ

[mxrtified777]

okay, i completely switched gears to somewhat coherent ideas, thoughts, and rambling instead of an essay. this doesn't really have anything new or groundbreaking, its more or less just me thinking out loud about nevin; so here, take what ive written in the last 2 hours

☆ I don’t believe that Nevin has the textbook-definition of a victim complex; he’s obviously going to be more complex than the first google result of a Victim Complex/Mentality, but he absolutely shares behaviors and tendencies with said textbook-definitions. He has been shown to deflect blame (“I’m sorry you feel…” / “I-I… It wasn’t a fight, I didn’t hit him, he…”), as well as (seemingly) having a tendency to catastrophize (“...No… but Nevin tends to assume the worst,...”). A key difference between him and a typical victim mentality is his optimism. He believes that things can and will get better and that he has control over elements in his own life. (“I wouldn’t say it’s too late.” / “The only way to go is forward. As someone who has lived in four different states, things aren’t going to stay the same forever.”) He’s hyper-vigilant about possible threats due to negative past experiences, particularly about people (loud coughing Edward). This is shown through Nevin complaining about Drew’s choice of friends, both being people that Nevin actively dislikes and doesn’t trust. (“Is that fucking Quinton?” … “Where the hell are you going with him? / “I said, I'll tell you later,” … “I can’t talk about this right now.” / “Have you been hanging around him behind my back?”)

☆ Nevin doesn’t actively use his trauma to elicit sympathy from others. The thing that separates Nevin from a victim complex the most is intention. He isn’t like “boohoo im so traumatized no one likes me let me do what i want im so damaged”. When he’s talking about his personal hardships and emotions (a rare occurrence) he’s not doing it to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him, he’s literally just sharing how he feels. So his feelings of being a victim are internal for the most part, but. I mean. Yeah, he was the victim

☆ Chris’s tendency to be blamed for things paired with Nevin’s tendency to deflect blame is. It's not going to be fun. Because yes, Chris is a pushover, but he didn’t hesitate to call out Nevin for being unreasonable in their bathroom screaming match. What I'm wondering is how/if this will alter as their relationship develops; will Chris become more tolerant of Nevin’s unjust behavior? Will Chris call him out for outbursts like this in the future, and will Nevin take offense to it?

☆ This is why you do your research, kids. So you don’t prepare for 5 hours for an essay and then you realize your topic makes no sense and can’t actually be proven

☆ Nevin lashing out when offered help by Drew (“What do you think you’re doing?... / “I’m healing you. What do you think?” / “You shouldn’t have. I did this to myself.”) is also considered to be a common behavior for people with a victim mentality. This scene also makes me wonder about how Nevin reacts to being helped/assisted, and a step further than that, being coddled/babied. He’s been the caregiver all his life. He’s been the protector; suddenly, having the tables being flipped on him where he’s the one being cared for is gonna be fun to watch. Like don’t get me wrong, Grandma Jovel is an awesome parent, nothing but unconditional love for her, but it’s obviously gonna be different coming from say Drew or Chris, and it’s also gonna be different between those two as well. We’ve already seen Drew be kind of that way with Nevin, at the end of their argument (“You’re not alone, Nevin. You have me,” … “Even so… I do need to be a part of this because I love you, and I don’t want you to feel alone.” / “Drew, stop that…” … “You’re going to make me cry, too.”)

thanks for coming to what i spent a collective 6 hours on today, im gonna return to being Silly with my boys now

[thunder-shadow]

It’s really fascinating when you think about how much Earth has been through.  He went through a lot of phases and exprerinced a lot of stuff since he was created. The impact Hypothesis from being a hot ball of lava and magma to gaining his first life form and being a pale orange dot, the first ice age covered in complete ice and snow, Pangea and the dino era, the asteroid that killed the dinos- that made the Earth hot and covered in smoke and gas thus blocking the Sun rays from entering the Atmosphere and being covered in eternal darkness, the second ice age and then finally the Earth we know Today. But in spite of going through mass extinctions and Catastrophic/Apocalyptic disasters, Earth still manages to retain life. Life didn’t just manage to survive but thrives as well. Being the only planet that got to not only attain life but sustain it for this long in the face of all the challenges and adversity is magnificent. Not to mention the diverse habitats and ecosystems. Earth is just so beautiful and cool. Not to mention all the secrets we haven’t discovered yet, years f history yet to be uncovered, too bad we humans have the habit of destroying everything that’s good. 

Anyway, this is mostly a rant about why Earth is my fav character, with Luna being my second- ofc can’t have Earth without Luna they’re a package deal. I saw the ask from your twitter and thought I’d say my reason, maybe you might resonate with it. Ofc the Solarballs Earth character despite being a jerk has a lot of layers and complexity. He isn’t just a black or white character, which makes him so great. It also being our home planet, also plays a factor. He also just has a lot of angst potential, coupled with his depression, BPD, suicidal thoughts/tendency, the constant pain from earthlings, abandonment issues, etc.

And I love how you characterise Earth in your fic, although it may not always be in line with his canon personality, it’s still close enough to how he’d act. Also the earthlings interactions in you Ghe fic, need more of that. Love you fics,  infinite kudos <3

(Ignore me always sending you long asks, it wasn’t supposed to be this long. I always get carried away when I’m excited)

lol ur fine with the long asks

i never feel like im characterizing any of the characters right no matter how hard i try 🤷🏼‍♀️ but i still try and write them despite the anxiety it gives me 😭😭

and yess he's been through sm..... i love him sm 😭😭

[oldmemoria]

caught up with cringetober because I literally forgot to do it, individuals and explanations under cut

Day 1: Heterochromia I’ve come to the revaluation that my sona is already cringe as hell considering not only can his entire body change color but he also has differently colored eyes as a staple of his design. They’re usually yellow and blue but this time I color picked the blue from the trans flag and the mint from the Vincian flag for this color palette, it turned out really pretty :)

Day 2: Self Insert Now she isn’t my self insert anymore, but back in the day when I was at “peak cringe” she definitely was. This is my warriors OC Icypelt and I have a post going over part of her story on my profile somewhere. She’s been through a lot and I think her modern design is very pretty :)

Day 3: Unnecessarily complex fit/design Spider scene is kinda infamous in my brain for having wayyy too much detail but I love them and I think this might be my favorite one out of this batch, super cute, the pose is really cute and the colors are nice and fits her really well :D

day 4: Angel x Devil inevitable MCR reference ik, Helena and Revenge, love them dearly. Poor revenge man this one is cute and looks like a sticker!!

Day 6 (I skipped day 5 because I didn’t want to open up ms paint today): neko i kinda hate this one but cat Gerard yay

Day 7: Pinterest base at first I wanted to draw hobie in place of Gwen but I remembered that I haven’t really drawn Mikey with her even though they’re supposed to be friends so I drew her instead. Idk. The height difference is not accurate because of that but Jumping Spider is small because he’s based on a jumping spider and those are tiny who would have thought

Day 8: tumblr sexyman i have never played undertale a day in my life i just know a lot of people wanted to jump sans’ bones

day 9: Crossover ship/rarepair OH BOY THIS ONE GOES KIND OF HARD AND IM EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY KIND OF WORK FOR EACH OTHER UM MIGUEL OHARA X CLOTTED CREAM COOKIE IM INSANE OMG-

day 10: fursona i already have a fursona I already drew and yes I colorpicked from the lesbian flag how could you tell /j

Day 11: Yandere LYLA is technically canonically a yandere because spoiler alert she tried to kill Miguel’s fiancé via overheating her in the shower (essentially literally boiling her like a lobster) because she was “in love” with him (she said if she did have autonomy and had feelings the would be in love with him but she doesn’t but idk who knows I don’t).

day 12: niche interest ik MCR isn’t exactly “niche” but the black parades story in particular has always caught my interest and I have my own interpretation of it and a whole kind of story I’m still developing and character arcs and headcanons and interactions and yeah you get it, death in particular has evolved into god knows an OC on his own I just keep him attached to MCR because… it makes more sense that way, ig-

day 13: creepypasta does this count- whatever grimdark is just the same thing as a creepypasta- I’m not really in the MLP fandom anymore but it was my first ever “fandom” I was actually apart of. My first hyperfixation if you will. I wasn’t in the grimdark part of the fandom because I was too young for it but I was actually watching the izzzyzzz grimdark video and I was like “oh” and drew a rainbow factory Rainbowdash. Honestly I should draw ponies more they’re fun to draw

Day 14: candygore (?) im not good at drawing candygore and since I was rushing this o didn’t do it as well as I thought I can, but it still turned out pretty cool

Day 15: song lyrics aaaa inevitable hesitant alien drawing this one turned out so cute!! The colors and the sparkle eek so cute aaa action cat lyrics I’m breaking down right in front of you I’m sorry

planning on doing the rest of the month now, maybe not exactly on time since I’m still in school but I’ll try to get 31 drawings out by Halloween. Love the idea of cringetober because I just love all things cringe. Ack this is so good

[mortallyandrogynoussheep]

1/100 days of getting my life back together

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

So I decided to try to do a thing for the first time ever since forever - try to start having a blog(?) again, because, well, the brain rot is real. I've deleted twitter for now to give my brain some rest, because a lot of things were stressing me out.

My life has been a real mess the last few months and I really need to get my shit back together. This semester was the biggest flop so far (which is not to say that much - it's only a second one, but still) and I'm really upset about it.

I've come off one of my meds, that were making me insanely sleepy whenever I tried to focus (still have no idea whether that was a real thing or no, but they either way were not doing anything for me), got back on antidepressants, that are a-okay to me, at least side effects wise, and I was hoping that NOW I will be so much better at school. It got so much worse.

Not my room, but the vibes sum everything up quite perfectly. Everything feels insanely hard to do. I feel like a failure. I'm stressed and lost, but we persevere to the best of our abilities.

Anyway, I am writing this post one day after the 3rd of July, because I figured I should start somewhere, and despite wanting to have the first entry be as perfect as I want to become later, I figured that I have already tried that approach earlier, and it always falls off. Maybe it's better to start bad, slowly trying to build up all the habits and changes.

After all it is 100 days of trying to get my life together, not 100 days of describing my life being together.

Anyway, on 3rd of July I wanted to do some document related work and do some job applications, but because of fucking up my sleep schedule days prior to finish an assignment (which I got 100% for, insanely), I could not resist falling asleep in the day and then waking up late in the evening. That then scaled to 4th of July night, when I could not fall asleep again until 4 am, and the cycle repeated again.

So, yeah. T'was a flop. I didn't do anything good or productive for studying. The only thing I managed to accomplish was tidying up the place a little, but not the dishes. Luckily, my boyfriend helped me with that. It feels so much better to be able to work as a team on tasks that feel this big and unbearable.

2/100 days of getting my life back together

Thursday, July 4, 2024

It is currently 13:44 as I am writing this. Woke up (or more so, thankfully, got woken up by my boyfriend) by about 12:30. Still feel very poopy, but in today's plans are to do some studying for the first out of my two exams, and maybe a little bit for the second one.

DB 2

DB 3

SE2

dishes

DB 4

Probably will keep editing this post for any relevant updates that are not shitposts.

15:08 - 16:02 finished the db2 and 3 bits, 3rd one was way shorter than I expected. it turned out that I already had a set of flashcards on quizzlet there on it, so that was a win. originally was planning to study for one hour, but then finished 6 mins earlier, because my brain was fried and finished the dishes on my break. now back to studying

16:17 - 18:01 finished working on the SE2, but the lecture was kinda short and won't be that important at the exam, so I can't say I studied it properly. i will put more thought into it later (maybe), but not for now, since my ass is BURNING from the heat of upcoming deadline for the exams and there are more complex things i need to learn. started working on DB 4, which was an addition on initially planned to-do list. a little more than 1.5 hours of trying to understand the lecture made my brain feel GONE. i started to feel very irritated at the end, so im gonna be taking a break.

18:36 - 19:52 some minecraft break for mindlessly and quietly doing some things around our base. cleaned up the ground for where i want to build our house, transferred some stuff and organized it in a new chests system. the project will take A LOT of time so yuh. did i spend too much time on it? yes. will i do it again? also yes, probably. then we ate some dinner and now im comming back to some studying and note taking.

21:09 - 22:22

did some more note taking on DB4, not finished with it yet, but I think I'll call it a day for today. I'll probably play some more Minecraft before sleep and reread my notes and flashcards too. overall I feel still kind of unsatisfied with the day and its' results, I think mostly because of this is 1.5 hour game break, but it is what it is for now. overall I guess I did do some stuff done today, so it's still a win, right?