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totaldramafan-lauri · 7 months ago

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My Top 11 Favorite Songs of Eurovision 2024

So, with less than a week left until Eurovision, I guess it's time for me to ramble about it! Uhhhh....th-this year's a bit different than normal, tho....Due to writing exhaustion (from a big project I've been working on), I'm not gonna be able to get my normal big ranking post done in time.....but, I DO still wanna talk about it, so....this is my compromise!

I'm gonna only be talking about eleven songs - my top seven big favorites and four borderline favorites - and why I love each one! As always, there are gonna be a few weird picks in here, cuz my taste is....well, odd, when it comes to which songs I get attached to....but, at the very least, my number one is a potential winner, so I-I think that balances out my unconventional choices down the list, heh.....

Th-things SHOULD be back to normal next year....cuz, trust me, I am NEVER gonna tackle something like this, during this time of year, ever again....I-I should be excited, but instead my mind is just....picking me apart for DARING to take a break from writing, and it kinda cuts into the hype a bit....Wh-which isn't Eurovision's fault, it's mine. This is what happens when you work on something for months on end....even if you KNOW you need a break, you feel guilty for it...blegh...

But....anyway....screw my brain, time to talk about songs that make me happy!

WORTH NOTING: Even if a song isn't listed here, it doesn't mean I don't like it. I actually like nearly every single song this year. There are three I'm indifferent to (Greece, Malta, France), and one I refuse to listen to, but none that I outright dislike of the ones I've heard. These eleven are just my favorites.

1. Croatia - "Rim Tim Tagi Dim" by Baby Lasagna

Eeyup, still obsessed! This is probably my fav Eurovision entry of the entire 2020s so far (which, when grouped together with "Jezebel", "Promise", and "Cha Cha Cha", REALLY makes me wonder what it is about rock entries and me this decade, geez-). I-I'm not saying this is a masterpiece or anything. It's not high art (vote for Switzerland if you want a unique, artsy winner), it's just a REALLY REALLY catchy, and REALLY REALLY fun, punchy rock song, and that's all I need it to be to love it. Seriously, every single part of this song is addictive to me. The repeated "rim tim tagi digi" is infectious, the lyrics are quotable and fun to sing along to, the "WHOOOOAAAA"s in the chorus especially....and I dunno if I can justify my love for it anymore! I just LOVE me a good energetic rock song with a memorable hook, and this is one of THE best I've ever heard...It's SO hard to keep outta my head.....I literally could not be happier that this song is getting so much attention! It deserves it! While I'm trying not to hype myself up TOO much in terms of winner potential (don't wanna jinx it, since not a single number one fav of mine has won in over a decade), but I'm crossing my fingers for Croatia's best result ever! At least third place, c'mooooooon! Meow back, Europe!! >.<

2. Belgium - "Before The Party's Over" by Mustii

I already made a post talking about all the things I love about this song, but...screw it, I'm HAPPY to repeat myself here. This song has just....the BEST buildup in- n-not just this year, but like, in the past few years! I can't remember the last song that built so perfectly (was it "Goodbye (Shelter)"? God, I miss 2016...)! The first two minutes set the stage for the last one perfectly, being atmospheric and dramatic, while slowly revealing more and more....things ramp up in the bridge, you feel like pumping your fists in the air, and then, finally....BAM, MAGIC HAPPENS!!! BEFORE THE PARTY IS OOOOOOVER! Look, I have seen a few people complain that the big ending of the song is repetitive, cuz...it's the same line eight times in a row, and I get it, but.....I literally don't mind. I'm too busy belting that line to care. This is everything I want in a dramatic ballad. I could NOT ask for more. That last minute still gives me goosebumps sometimes. Maybe if the rest of the song were a BIT better, this could've been challenging Croatia for number one, I'm dead serious.

3. San Marino - "11:11" by Megara

I've come to terms with the fact that this is probably just a me thing. I'm not gonna pretend like this isn't a no-hoper. It is, but.....DANG IT, I love this song wayyyyyy too flipping much for my own good! I'm sorryyyyyyy! I can't help it, I just...get so PUMPED UP listening to it! Yes, it's not as catchy as "Rim Tim Tagi Dim", but I can love both! And I will! I EASILY have room in my heart for two banger rock songs! Plus, this one is a lot....harder, I guess? With less of a focus on being catchy. It manages to stick out and leave an impression, with the big chorus, electronic elements, "M-E-L-A-P-E-L-A", and that FFFFFFLIPPING AWESOME BREAK with the flamenco instrumentation- again, WHY DOES THAT WORK SO WELL?? When it put it in words, it sounds like it shouldn't, but it's SOOOOOO COOL I CAN'T EVEN!!! Ugggghhhh, Spain, why'd you reject these guys? They're soooooo much better than what you actually ended up with! But....a-again, this is a me thing, so I can't get ahead of myself. It's a rock song in Eurovision, so of course I love it. No one else cares about this. It's fine. I'll be here in my corner shouting along in terrible Spanish in the semi, and cheering for it loud enough to make non-qualification sting less! >.<

4. Lithuania - "Luktelk" by Silvester Belt

This is a song that grabbed me from first listen. I knew it'd be in my top five immediately, and yet.....I-I honestly don't have much to actually SAY about it...? It's just a really, really, REALLY solid club song, and I tend to like those a lot. The only real things I can say about it is that.....1. I love that it's in Lithuanian, even tho that means I can't sing along, 2. The pre-choruses are catchy and I love them, and 3. The instrumental break is SO good! Oh, and I guess 4. I've been waiting SOOOO LONG to love a Lithuanian entry this much, so it feels really great to finally have one. They really outdid themselves here. And they already came eleventh last year! Hopefully this will build on that and give them their first top five placing....altho in a year this strong, I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking.....That's all I have to say. I just love how this sounds.

5. Australia - "One Milkali (One Blood)" by Electric Fields

Not NEARLY as much of a no-hoper as San Marino, but this is my other major underdog of the year. Honestly, it took me a bit too long to understand just why I liked this song so much, when everyone else seemed to be indifferent to it. THEN I learned from a video that this song, along with this band's sound in general, counts as synthpop. And suddenly, EVERYTHING made sense to me. Seriously, I have no idea why it took me so long to realize that-! W-was it the didgeridoo? Was that distracting me? Hardly an excuse! XD But yeah, looks like this is another me thing, then. Synthpop (and synthwave) is my fav genre of music. I-I know I have a history of fangirling over rock songs in Eurovision, but....I-I AM generally an "everything goes" person in terms of songs I love, and Eurovision just tends to get rock right for me, but outside of Eurovision, a good chunk of what I listen to is synth stuff. It's something that I tend to love whenever it shows up. And this is certainly a very unique take on it, with the aboriginal flourishes, and the fascinating lyrics that.....a-again, no one else cares about but me, pffff. Also, that keyboard? Perfection. Chef's kiss. Congrats on being in my top five two years in a row, Australia. Here's hoping your staging is good, cuz I still believe you have a chance to prove everyone wrong...! >.<

6. Ukraine - "Teresa & Maria" by alyona alyona and Jerry Heil

I-I was originally gonna rank this song a bit lower, cuz...I do concede that it's a flawed song. There are things about it that I wish were better, and cuz of that, I thought it wouldn't be right to rank it this high, but....th-then it comes on again, and I can't help it....I just fall in love with the parts I like in it all over again. Those things I love are HARD for me to shake, so....I had to go with my gut. To explain, this is kinda like the polar opposite of Belgium's song. This song has an amazing beginning that gives me chills, but then peters out afterward. I REALLY wish it burst more at the end after the rap. Instead, it just kinda...chugs along, sounding a bit repetitive. That's a shame, but....DANG IT this song is still so, so gorgeous anyway! Of the "atmospheric" songs this year, this is EASILY the best one. The rap keeps it interesting and makes it stand out, but.....I'm not gonna lie, the main reason this song makes it this high for me IS that first 53 seconds. Is that a weird thing to praise your number six for? Maybe. But....gotta go with what feels right.

7. Finland - "No Rules!" by Windows95man

Soooo.....now that it's safe to call Finland my fav country in 2020s Eurovision, AND that I have no shame when it comes to praising the songs I love......Look, I'm not gonna apologize. Yes, this IS unironic enjoyment. Yes, I stopped caring about the hate for jokey entries a long time ago (after our lords and saviors, Subwoolfer, came tenth). They are but a minority. Their words don't hurt me. I don't even care what's wrong or right. It's how I live my life. In the end, Eurovision needs entries like this. However, I do understand why you'd prefer "Europapa" from the Netherlands. Most people seem to like that one more, but....I personally like this one more. (And it's not Finland bias. I'm TRYING not to develop Finland bias, I swear!) The soaring chorus, the great vocals, the delicious 90s nostalgia, "See if I care, see me slay", "Let's go! NO RULES!", the flipping key change....It's a song about not caring what others think, and it brings out that attitude in me too. It makes me smile and turn my brain off, shutting out the ridicule of others. Yeah, it's silly, but I'm allowed to love it. Altho I do apologize to the "Euro Neuro" guy for breaking his one rule...but now, there are NO RULES!

And here are my four borderline favorites:

8. Germany - "Always On The Run" by Isaak

Now....when I call San Marino or Australia underdogs, I do so because no one else seems to care about them. No one really hates them, it's just that Eurofans just generally dismiss and ignore them. When I call Finland underdogs, I mean that in the "divisive" way, in that, yes, there ARE plenty of fans of them, but also a lot of haters as well, enough to balance it out and feel like you HAVE to take a side. When I call Germany underdogs....I mean THAT in the most traditional sense. Germany are THE underdogs this year. Why? Because almost everyone HATES THEM for some reason! Or at least dislikes them in some way! And I DON'T! GET! IT! At all! Like....the way people talk about this song, they make it sound like this song is the type of boring that loops around into annoying and pisses you off, like...it's not just boring, but actively mediocre, like..."not even trying" levels of boring. They make it sound like this song is the new "Boys Do Cry", and.....then I listen to it, and.....I-I'm sorry, but what is everyone on about...? I....don't find this song boring? I even...like it! This is one of the songs I've listened to the most, believe it or not! I legit don't understand the hate! This is a GOOD SONG! It's not amazing or anything, but it's legit good! It's got a beat, a catchy chorus, he has a great voice, and....the bridge of this song is AWESOME! Maybe I'm just a sucker for the punchy percussive stuff ("Some Nights" by Fun comes to mind), and this is kinda the only song this year that scratches that particular itch for me, but....c'mon, the BRIDGE! Ugh! *sigh* Y-yeah, I don't get it.....This is one case where I feel really confused by a song's reception. I get it for Finland and San Marino, but....The fact that this song gets bashed on for being bland and "generic" while it sounds like nothing else this year baffles me. Whatever. Not the first time I've rooted for an unpopular German entry. Favorite auto-qualifier, that's all. Moving on.

9. Latvia - "Hollow" by Dons

Yet another underdog, but this one's a lot more understandable. It's a ballad. From Latvia. Of course no one's gonna pay attention. And I'm fully expecting this to not gain any traction, but....I dunno, I just....like it! This is the most I've enjoyed a song from Latvia since.....2016, I think (which was also the last time they qualified....*cough*)! And I don't really have a good reason for liking it, other than.....I like his voice, and I like the chorus. That's about it. I like me a big chorus that can get caught in my head at times. It's just a good melody. That's the main reason I like this song more than France's (unlike most people). It's got a melody that I can latch onto. That's what makes a ballad for me. It's gotta have more things of interest than just "listen to how good my voice is". Melody, lyrics, and buildup are all important to me...Sadly, this song doesn't build that much, but blegh, they weren't gonna beat Belgium in that category anyway. For what it is - a good yet standard ballad - I really like it.

10. Italy - "La Noia" by Angelina Mango

This song is a lot of fun, and the way the verses flow is really satisfying for some reason. I love how it changes things up. It doesn't stagnate at any point. The instrumentation is also really unique and cool, and her voice is pretty. The acapella part is just long enough to show off her voice without overstaying its welcome. Oh yeah, and it's catchy! Overall.....yeah, it's a good song, and a fan-favorite for a reason. I would personally love to see Croatia or Switzerland win, but I could easily see this winning due to its universal appeal. It's got stuff that both votes will enjoy....pretty much equally, I'd say! This year is SUUUUCH a close race, that I really do think this song has a real chance of being the next "Arcade" - a song that doesn't win either vote, but finishes in the top three of both, and that combined score causes a win. It could happen! And I wouldn't really complain, cuz....yeah, I think this song would be a worthy winner! (All three would be worthy winners, honestly. God this year's so tough to call)

11. Austria - "We Will Rave" by Kaleen

I didn't really think this song would end up ranking this high for a while, but on repeated listens, it ended up growing on me just....SO much! Once I stopped comparing it to Lithuania's song, I ended up liking it more. This song might be a bit dated, but coming from someone who likes Finland this year, I welcome that dated sound! As long as it's fun, right? And yeah, I've never been to a rave, but this song SOUNDS like a rave. Even I can tell that! The breaks are great, and the fact that this is literally a song about partying the pain away fits its energy so flipping well. Here's hoping for a fun dance break to go with it!

And finally, some brief honorable mentions:

-Norway. Was originally gonna go in 11th before changing my mind at the last second. I still really like this song. I think it's really cool! It's just stagnated a bit for me as I've been listening to other stuff! -Switzerland. I respect the heck outta this song for how it blends so many genres together and still sounds good. I also really love the lyrics, and how its about their personal journey of learning to accept their identity. I really do think this would be a great winner. I just, personally, have other songs I like more. -Cyprus. I have no real reason as to way I like this song so much, I just....do. I like how much of a punch it packs. This is probably the closest I have to a "guilty pleasure" this year. I do wish that we'd stop sending minors to Eurovision, tho....It's so much pressure...Yes, I know the minimum age is 16, and teenagers HAVE performed well before, but....I dunno, I think adults would perform better? But, eh, not my place... -Estonia. Really really fun and stuff. Makes me smile. The parts with the deep-voiced guy really stick out. That's about it. -Ireland. I respect this song more than I like it. I actually don't listen to it that often. The reason I'm giving it an honorable mention is cuz, despite that, I actually really really REALLY want this to qualify. This has more life and character than all Irish entries since Jedward. I know a lotta people are gonna hate this song for being jarring, but that's the reason why I'm shouting it out. It's a risk. And I want Ireland to be rewarded for taking that risk.

#eurovision #opinions

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gjenevarants · 9 months ago

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Insomnia/Tears

2/26/24

Insomnia has been a bitch for the past few weeks. It's been at its worst this past week though. The least I've slept is probably four hours. The most I've slept is probably seven, but with that, I'm not falling asleep until four or five in the morning, meaning I'm waking up sometime between ten and eleven right before lunch. And that means I'm only eating twice a day.

Mostly I've been keeping myself distracted by reading when sleep escapes me, but I'm almost out of books. I think I have maybe two left now? Other times I've been writing, but as that is something I do during the day to pass the time, it doesn't do as much for me.

Tonight or today I guess it's three in the morning as I write this, I got in my head again. Mostly anger and loneliness rearing their heads. Maybe a bit of despair as well. I'm honestly tempted to take my meds again. They were only for anxiety and they didn't work all that well when it came to that, but at least while I was taking them I wasn't crying every other night.

Truthfully I'm writing this to try and keep myself distracted from the endless cycle of internalized self deprivation. At least with this, I can occupy myself with trying to keep track of typing and hitting the wright keys in the dark.

I have a to do list that I made in January. I started on it then when I came back from dad's and I haven't touched it since. I don't even know what's on it anymore. So I need to take care of all of that. I know doing my laundry is on there. I also need to talk to my parents and schedule my wisdom teeth removal. I should have had them taken care of years ago. Its at the point now where if their in for maybe... four more months I might have serious damage. I'm starting to feel weird jaw shit now too, so it definitely needs to happen as soon as possible, probably next month.

Another thing that needs to happen is my acquisition of a job. I don't know when my taxes are due for my car but I now it's some time within the next two-three months. I'm starting to stress about it. I need to set up an eBay account so I can sell some of my old action figures. Some of them are actually worth money even out of the box. I also need to finish up my mushroom hat project so that I can finish my earring project. I never should have started the mushroom hat without finishing the earrings but I got excited. The mushroom hat is a personal thing, but at least with the earrings I can make money.

I want to look into trying to get a savings account that my mom can't see. Both her and my dad have access to my bank account because they have passed money to each other through it before. I really want to remove mom's access but I have no idea how. She looks at it some times and asks me questions about it all nosy and judgmental like: "Did you get Starbucks again?" No. That shouldn't even be listed I literally bought that with a gift card. I think I'm scared she's going to seal from me? I've said it before but she is shit at managing money. I'm worried that once I get a job, she'll start skimming from my funds.

I already owe her money for the college classes I dropped out of. Who knows how much I'll have to contribute to rent. To taxes. I've been measuring my money in how much a week worth of personal groceries costs me. I've been forgetting about personal necessities because of that. Really, all of this scares me. At this rate everything scares me. So much for stopping tears. I'm crying again. I just woke up the cat from blowing my nose.

Speaking of the cat, I definitely have PTSD after Sabi. At the end of his life he had a mass in his gut as well as/caused by organ/intestine deterioration. His stomach would gurgle almost constantly. Hearing that with him was comforting because I knew it meant he was still alive. Nibi's stomach has been making gurgling noises too now. I think it only happens after she uses the litter box or eats. It freaks me the fuck out though because every time I hear it, I think there's something wrong and that she's going to end up in the same spot Sabi was in. My mom's cat is a whole other thing/mess. Ari's at the point where I think it's kinder to let her go, but mom doesn't listen. When she does it goes back to money.

Why does everything circle back to money? What dumbass came up with the brilliant idea of everything revolving around money. Who the fuck needs to revolve around the sun? We can use paper bills and tiny little coins that some random people somewhere will collect.

Nibi just came back from wherever she went. I'm going to keep an ear out for her tummy and hope for the best. Maybe I'll be able to get four to seven shitty hours of sleep now.

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mangodelorean · 3 years ago

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Bad and Crazy – Episode 12 recap/musings [Finale]

Today marks one full week of us not being fed a full episode. I've broken with my lifelong tradition of: "If you don't watch the finale [of a currently running show] then, technically, it never ended!" So this post-show void is new to me. I don't care for it.

Anyway, where did we last leave Supernintendo Dickhead and Co.? For once, it's a scene we didn't leave behind in the previous episode, but a new one entirely:

Su Yeol: [o.s] I don't want to take it!

He's in a straitjacket, with additional restraint from three orderlies. A doctor yells at him that he must, to which Su Yeol screams crazily that he's not crazy. He looks, with all due respect, like air-fried shit. I didn't think it was possible for LDW to get any paler.

He's force-fed a tablet which he spits out. K manifests in his room's doorway to tell him to run. He does, and makes it to the end of a [barred] hallway where he's tackled and sedated by two additional orderlies. K watches in disappointed horror as Su Yeol is dragged – literally kicking and screaming – back to his room.

It's montage time! A vignette of increasingly competent escape attempts by our little meow-meow, ducking and sliding and unlocking gates in the world's dingiest-coloured RPG, as K cheers him on.

K manifests in Su Yeol's bed for a cuddle, where the two reminisce:

Su Yeol: [deadpan] I suddenly had this thought.

K: What thought?

Su Yeol: Out of all our moments together, what was the most messed-up moment?

K: [hyper] When was it? When? Tell me!

A po-faced Su Yeol runs through them by way of a mini clip-show: Gyeong Tae's Inferno, the three of them self-defenestrating, and, breaking into a smile, "getting beaten up all the time".

At this, the two laugh. K asks why the sudden trip down memory lane.

Su Yeol: Whenever I think about those moments, I feel like I can do anything.

Aww. He gets up [a slick shot of K disappearing as Su Yeol rises], and uses a towel and a mug to crush his stashed tablets into a fine powder. Next, he's carrying a kettle into his [not very useful] art therapy class, where K pops up to ask him what he's drawing. It's not just emo eyes: It's a map of the facility, marked with CCTV blind spots. By the time Su Yeol's finished explaining his masterpiece, everyone in the room has already been knocked out by the powder Su Yeol spiked their coffee with. Win!

Dr Hong Seok Gyeong, the shit doctor from earlier, finds Su Yeol at her office desk, joking that perhaps she didn't recognise him from his eyes being so "alert" [Sir, you have 200 eyelids]. Mr Alert Eyes holds up a file and says she's busted for selling prescription narcotics.

Dr Hong: [cornered] What do you want?

Su Yeol: You'll have to get me out of here. Transfer me to the nearest university hospital.

Dr Hong: And you'll escape once you're there?

To which Su Yeol responds with a smirk that even I can't resist finding a tiny bit cute. Muppet-faced dickhead.

In the ambulance [Why is its siren on if it's just a transfer?], K sees a message from Hong on a transport staff member's phone and pops up to warn a knocked-out, straitjacketed Su Yeol that they're going to kill him.

Su Yeol, awakening like a dumb vampire: "I've trained really hard for the past five months. I've been waiting for this moment." A mini scuffle ensues, with Su Yeol and K incapacitating both transport dudes.

Cut to Bong Pil screaming at the team that someone must know where Su Yeol is. He exits via a call from the Commissioner, to whom he promises to put out an APB on Su Yeol. The team laments the state of things.

Su Yeol, in biker leathers, watches from a distance as Dong Yeol walks Mama Ryu out of the pizza shop. I'm not a parent so I can't say whether or not this is a cliché, but I've always found it heartwarming wherever I see it: Mama Ryu, her mama-senses tingling, stops to look behind her, but nobody's there.

Back at the station, the team's frustrated at coming up empty. But it's Hui Gyeom that jumps up with a spark: What about the "quack" that Su Yeol used to see? Jae Seon reminds us he fled [for gambling and medical violations] and Gyeong Tae points out the office would now be empty. Everyone gets the same idea at the same time and fucking careen out of the door.

But wait! It's not empty! Doctor Heart Mender is on the phone to a shaman – Baby Prosecutor's mum, in fact, who tells him, from her son's desk, that her son does her finances and that she can get him a discount on legal fees should he ever have the need [I love this]. He's interrupted by a still-leathery Su Yeol, but can't quite clock if it's K or the dickhead. "I have no idea anymore," he giggles nervously, before Su Yeol punches him to the floor.

Amid apologies, Doc tends to his black eye with an egg. He explains that he fled thanks to "a connection in the police" [I can only think of one, and his weights are his babies], otherwise he'd have ended up in jail, too. Su Yeol blames his diagnosis and incarceration on the Doc's absence. Doc tries to bond with Su Yeol over their shared fugitive state, asking why he broke out.

Cut to: Ju Hyeok shooting hoops with Jeong Hun. As the two rehydrate, Jeong Hun expresses concern over Su Yeol's escape:

Jeong Hun: If he finds out that I got out of juvie, will he come and find me again? He must know that I refused to provide a statement.

Ju Hyeok: Did you have something to tell the police, though? I told the police everything, and it all proved to be true. Don't worry too much. That man, Ryu Su Yeol... He'll soon return to where he belongs.

After Ju Hyeok leaves with a shoulder tap, Jeong Hun opens up his phone and saves their recorded conversation. Yes!

Back to Doctor Heart Mender, who's been filled in by Su Yeol: He wants to find Ju Hyeok's psychological weakness to beat him at his own game. It's his only option, given that Ju Hyeok destroyed any evidence. Doc posits this: Prove that Ju Hyeok is Yun Ho:

Doc: Psychopaths who are obsessively meticulous often have psychological weaknesses that are fatal.

[Hello, Jong Woo.]

Doc: Mess with them a few times, and they just fall apart.

Su Yeol: I think I can figure out a way.

As he's about to lead them both in a mini meditation session [and it looks like Su Yeol is up for it], Doc wonders out loud who the real Ju Hyeok is, since Yun Ho claimed his identity. But before Su Yeol can respond, the sounds of shouting spill in from outside.

The team and Ju's team are literally clashing in the hallway, the latter having followed the former. There's a brief respite while they trade notes/insults, but it soon picks up again when Su Yeol bolts out the door. Both teams give chase, but Hui Gyeom heads in the other direction and catches up to him in her car. After THREE attempts because he's an undexterous fucking moron with Haribo foam gummies for hands, Su Yeol finally manages to open the door and climb in. With the face of an escaped lunatic, he asks Hui Gyeom how she is.

Cut to: Her flipping him on the ground again, this time at a junkyard. Ha. She's furious that he didn't trust them and that he fooled them all for months. His half-arsed apology enrages her further, but Jae Seon is impressed by Su Yeol's performance:

Jae Seon: Su Yeol, I didn't know you were such a good actor. Become an actor. Why did you become a cop with that face?

Hui Gyeom: Actor, my foot. He's a con man.

Jae Seon and Gyeong Tae hold her back. Su Yeol's about to launch into a much-needed explanation about proving Ju Heok being Yun Ho when K pops up and semi-shyly asks to be introduced to the team. Su Yeol does, as his "alter ego", but this makes K even more bashful and he hides behind Su Yeol. Gyeong Tae introduces himself to a patch of empty air.

K: [excited] Tell him we've met before. I saved his life.

Su Yeol: [deadpan] You two have met before. He saved your life.

Pfft. A near-tearful Gyeong Tae bows as far as his torso allows, with Jae Seon following suit. As for Hui Gyeom:

K: [doe-eyed] Shall I profess my feelings to Hui Gyeom?

Su Yeol: [yells] Profess what? Don't you know the situation we're in?

Hui Gyeom: Hey, I'm good. I don't need to meet him.

A crestfallen K looks like he's about to cry. Jae Seon steps up, but K just shakes his head. Su Yeol: "He has nothing to say to you." Aw. At this, Gyeong Tae looks notably smug.

Hui Gyeom turns the conversation back to the case. Su Yeol cites the bug painter as someone who knew Yun Ho's identity and that, even though he's dead, they might go back long enough for them to dig up some connections/proof. Hui Gyeom says that the autopsy found nothing, and that his intentionally damaged fingerprints will make it hard to identify him. But Su Yeol says he has to try, because it's his last chance.

In prison, Hui Gyeom visits Yong, who recounts with disbelief the promise that Su Yeol had made to her about catching Andrei's killer. Hui Gyeom admits it all went south but, to fix it, she still needs Yong's help.

Jae Seon and Gyeong Tae catch up to a lead we can assume Yong gave him, but the guy says he doesn't know the painter's name. The two cops make light of/threaten him with police brutality [ugh], which seems to get him to talk: He first met the painter when selling him drugs. The painter was wearing a patient uniform from a mental health clinic, but the uniform had a distinct, memorable angel logo...

...The same shape as the painting hanging in Doctor Heart Mender's office. He was the director of the clinic, but it shut down a decade ago. Jae Seon relays this to Su Yeol and Hui Gyeom in the car. Su Yeol tells him to meet them at Heart Mender's.

At home, Mama Ryu gets a call from Dong Yeol, who asks her to wave in front of the living room security camera. He says he'll be home soon. There's a knock at the front door and a letter slides through. She opens it.

On the phone, Doctor Heart Mender tells Su Yeol that he still has all of the records from that clinic, because:

Doctor Heart Mender: A mental illness relapse is very common. And it's not like my patients magically recovered when I closed my clinic, so I need all the records for reference.

Cut to: Su Yeol in the car, mouthing "YES".

Doc tells Su Yeol that this is just how you do business [In-fucking-deed; he knows what he's doing. He always has!] and Su Yeol agrees via a mountain of fawning plaudits before sending him a photo of the painter.

Doc trawls through some files and finds the file – and the painter's name is *(drum roll)* Sin Ju Hyeok! Speaking of which, Fake Ju Hyeok cuts a menacing figure under the neon glow of the Heart Mender sign. Doc doesn't know who he is, but soon catches on that things aren't looking good when Ju Hyeok 1. draws the curtains closed and 2. grabs a small spy camera from his shelf. Fake Ju Hyeok/Yun Ho: "I installed it over 6 months ago." Uh-oh.

Outside, Su Yeol leaps out of Hui Gyeom's car, saying he'll go in first. But he finds our poor Doc on the floor, stabbed. Outside, Hui Gyeom learns via a call from Jae Seon that Ju is pushing for an "aiding and abetting a fugitive" charge to fuck over the team. Seconds later, she gets a tearful call from a worried Dong Yeol.

Hui Gyeom finds a frantic Su Yeol calling the emergency services. She tells him to run and gives him her phone, Dong Yeol calling.

Su Yeol rushes home to find Dong Yeol sweeping up broken pottery. Big Bro immediately hugs Little Bro, who asks what happened. Dong Yeol says that Mama Ryu was doing well (taking her meds, avoiding the news – a suggestion from Hui Gyeom), but that she somehow found about his escape anyway and keeps saying she has to find and save him.

Su Yeol finds Mama Ryu in her room. He gently takes her hand and tells her he's here. But she doesn't believe him. She asks, fearfully, what he's done to Su Yeol and, becoming more and more terrified, asks who he is. She throws a cup at him and barricades herself against the door, crying out to Dong Yeol that she can't let him get hurt. She grabs a shard of glass from the floor and wields it, telling an increasingly worried Su Yeol she knows everything from "the letter":

Su Yeol: "Letter"? Eomma, what letter?

Mama Ryu: You impersonated Su Yeol and hurt people. You made people suffer. Where is Su Yeol? Where is my son? You scumbag!

[She swipes again; Su Yeol dodges it.]

Mama Ryu: Bring the real Su Yeol back! My son, Su Yeol! I want my son back!

A frantic Mama Ryu aims the shard up at a sobbing Su Yeol, who takes her hand in both of his and gently, firmly brings it down and takes it from her, but draws blood in the process. He tries to assure her:

Su Yeol: Eomma, I am Su Yeol. It's me, your son, Su Yeol! The boy who ran away to survive. You put your trust in me, remember? It's me. I am Su Yeol, Eomma. Your son, Su Yeol! You told me to pull myself together and protect myself. Eomma, you told me that, remember?

After a pause, she recognises him again, and the two hug. After such a gut-wrenching scene, it's a relief. He tells her it'll be OK. She blames herself, but he tells her he's OK, and that he's sorry.

He lets Dong Yeol in and takes a call from an unknown number. It is, of course, Yun Ho, who asks him if every choice he's made thus far has been "wrong" considering the hurt left in the wake of each one.

Su Yeol: Why are you doing this? What do you want from me?

Yun Ho: You just won't accept the fact that Jeong Yun Ho saved you.

Su Yeol: You "saved" me? You committed murder. You think you saved those kids? You just used them to justify the murders you committed.

[pause]

Yun Ho: I'd say it's about time we met.

He hangs up and looks across... at Jeong Hun, and tells him not to look so scared, and that he can stop recording their conversations now. Oh, shit.

Outside the gate of his burnt-out childhood home, K asks Su Yeol why here. Su Yeol says it's because it where it began, with him, and that he needs to fix it.

K: Trust is key.

Su Yeol: [short laugh] Of course, I have to trust you.

K: No. You, not me. [pause] Trust yourself.

[beat]

Su Yeol: [smiles] I do trust myself.

Su Yeol walks in the gate to find Yun Ho, who admits to being Yun Ho. Su Yeol asks again why he's doing this, but Yun Ho just reiterates that he saved him. Su Yeol dismisses him, but Yun Ho continues:

Yun Ho: You see, back then, did we have another option? Let's say I chose not to kill your father. Then do you think you wouldn't have been able to escape that misery? Really? Let's find out.

Su Yeol: What?

Yun Ho: Jae Hui. You really have to accept it, now: Killing your father was the only way to save you back then. Just like now.

He drops a lighter, setting the site ablaze. But the flames illuminate a bound Jeong Hun inside, who calls out for help. Yun Ho expresses mock regret that it had to come to this. Su Yeol is struck by a memory migraine: his father beating him, Yun Ho, in the yellow raincoat, stabbing him, and young Su Yeol running away.

The pain weakens Su Yeol and he drops to the ground. K manifests to try to snap him out of it, and reminds him:

K: Have you forgotten already? Fire doesn't faze us.

Su Yeol leaps into the house and starts to untie Jeong Hun, but Yun Ho appears behind him and sinks a syringe in his neck.

Yun Ho: It was because of K. The reason you believed that I wasn't the one who saved you, and the only reason you rejected my help. It was because of K!

As both Su Yeol and K slump from the drug, Yun Ho demands that Su Yeol acknowledge the truth: that only he can save Su Yeol. He screams for Su Yeol to beg him for help, but when he tells him to fuck off, Yun Ho stabs him in the side. He tells him this was "fun" and leaves, taking one last, expressionless look at the fire.

Inside, Su Yeol begs K for help in getting Jeong Hun to safety. As he struggles to stay conscious amid the suffocating effects of the fire, a string of memories run through his head:

Jeong Hun asking who will save So Yeon; promising Young Joo he'll catch her gaslighter but then holding her as she died; holding a pleading Bok Jun as he dies; K saying he's been here the whole time; K/Su Yeol punching Yun Ho when they were kids; Mama Ryu: "Back then, you were just a little boy who ran away to survive. And I still believe that. So you should trust yourself, too."; K: "Trust is key. You, not me."

It snaps him out of it enough to gasp some breaths: "I can do this." He lifts himself up, then Jeong Hun, and stumbles to safety into the front garden. He tells the boy he'll be back.

Yun Ho gets into his car but a lurching Su Yeol installs himself as a gremlin on the hood. The pair exchange evil sexy smiles:

Su Yeol: You must be sick of me by now. You're scared of me, aren't you? I bet that's why you're doing this to me. Because you can't control me.

[pause: Yun Ho is expressionless.]

Su Yeol: [points; smiles] Look at you, all scared. You see, this is proof right here, the fact that you're scared, now. It proves that you know you committed crimes.

Yun Ho: [voice trembles with anger] In Jae Hui...

Su Yeol: [sighs] I'm Ryu Su Yeol. Ah, you talk too much. Forget it. It's time for you to get beaten up.

With that, Su Yeol lunges. But it's a swing and a miss, and Yun Ho gets in several violent head punches that send Su Yeol to the ground. Su Yeol gets back up but Yun Ho repeatedly pummels Su Yeol's stabbed side. The pair continues to grapple until Su Yeol pins Yun Ho against the car, lets out a delightfully deranged Joker laugh and issues a series of increasingly bloody headbutts to Yun Ho's face. Finally, this leathery dipshit is using his head.

[There's no way he doesn't have a concussion after that, though.] As the sirens approach, he falls to the ground and looks over at Yun Ho, the two of them very bloody boys indeed.

Su Yeol: [smiles] I did... pretty well, didn't I...?

[I'll say.]

In Hallway of the Id, Su Yeol calls out to K. After a few seconds of nothing, K pops up from behind a random doorway:

K: Aish, it's you again. Why did you follow me all the way here?

Su Yeol: [smiles] I thought you were gone for good, but you were hiding here? [excited; mimics punches] You should've been there to see Sin Ju Hyeok get pummelled!

[pause]

K: It's time for me to leave.

Su Yeol: "Leave"?

K: [stoic] Heroes are never afraid to say goodbye. I can say goodbye and just be cool with it.

[beat]

Su Yeol: "Goodbye"...?

[beat]

Su Yeol: Why?

K: What is this, Su Yeol? Are you getting teary-eyed? Are you, seriously? [laughs; Su Yeol flinches] Oh, boy. This is why I was going to just disappear quietly, like the wind.

[pause]

K: Fine. Since you managed to find me, I shall give you a gift: My real name.

Su Yeol: Your real name? I thought your name was K.

K: [shakes head; wags finger] My real name. My full name! K, I, N, and—

Su Yeol: [deadpan] Don't tell me: It's "G".

K: Ding, dong, ddaeng! That is my name!

Su Yeol: [eyerolls]

K: King! Of the world! [laughs]

Su Yeol: [sighs] Just leave.

Pfft. K says he's about to choof off for real this time, but that if Su Yeol grabs him or hits him in the head the second he turns around, or if he gives him a wedgie, he'll pay the price. Su Yeol dismisses him with a hand wave.

K grabs Su Yeol's shoulder affectionately.

K: You're a good guy.

K gives him a thumbs-up, and Su Yeol gives him one back. This couldn't get any cuter, could it?

K walks away, and the hallway morphs to bring forward an exit door. Su Yeol tries calling out "King" but his inner anti-cringe won't let him, so, instead:

Su Yeol: K!

[K turns.]

Su Yeol: Thanks.

[beat]

K: I haven't heard that in a while.

He smiles and turns away, giving a wave as he faces the door. Then, a memory:

Young Su Yeol, terrified, barefoot and covered in blood, catches his breath against the side of a building. A hand gently reaches out to his shoulder: It's K, who asks if he's OK. The boy thanks him for saving him, but K says he should thank himself, "because I am you. It was all you. You saved yourself. It wasn't me." K offers his hand, and lifts him up.

Back to the present, and Su Yeol watches as K closes the door behind him. To the swells of bittersweet music, Su Yeol runs to open the door, and cries out for K, his expression lost, distraught, even, and looks down... to see K, crouched on the floor, biting his own fist to muffle his sobs. When he spots Su Yeol, his puppy face crumples into a heartbreaking mess; Su Yeol, smiling, extends his hand this time, and lifts him up for a big, dumb, warm, happy, wonderful hug.

In hospital, the team's voices talk about Su Yeol waking up soon, why he's smiling, and why he's also crying. As he opens his eyes, the team fills him in: Jeong Hun is fine; the team can prove that the painter's name was Sin Ju Hyeok (and that it wasn't the first time Yun Ho swiped someone's ID); Jeong Hun testified; Doctor Heart Mender is fine. Phew!

Jae Seon asks Su Yeol if he's OK since he was "smiling and crying" earlier in a bit of a scene. Su Yeol smiles: "That crazy jerk..."

He looks around, but can't find K, and remarks that he's "really gone". The word "crazy" triggers a memory in Hui Gyeom:

Hui Gyeom: K?

Su Yeol: No. He's not K. He's King.

The team laughs, but Gyeong Tae has to explain it to Jae Seon ("Wang").

Later, Su Yeol, in full dress uniform, is about to enter his own reinstatement hearing. He recalls Bong Pil telling him to lie that he never had a split personality, that it was just a ruse for the case. Inside, it's revealed that enough time has passed that Su Yeol's name has been officially cleared.

The committee asks about his split personality, and whether or not it was just a strategy. Su Yeol, of course, thinks of that glorious memory in which he thought K was "Gay", which makes all of us – including Su Yeol – crack a little laugh. Bong Pil tries to jump in to say that a psychiatrist cleared him, and showers him with praise. It's a pretty deft step-over of the question, and it works, because they've moved on from it without Su Yeol having to answer it or lie.

Memories flood in: K saving young Su Yeol; Su Yeol remembering it during the hospital fight with the painter; K reintroducing himself as Su Yeol's hero, Su Yeol's action star, Su Yeol's K.

The committee says they'll wrap up, having pretty much said they're going to reinstate him, but Su Yeol pipes up:

Su Yeol: He was real.

[beat]

Su Yeol: K's existence was real. And he was with me.

Bong Pil tries to interrupt, but Su Yeol continues:

Su Yeol: He was definitely crazy. [smiles] But he was a good person, too.

A committee member asks Bong Pil if he's sure Su Yeol was psychiatrically cleared.

Su Yeol: He was real. And I can't deny his existence. K was definitely with me.

[beat]

Su Yeol: And I liked him.

He thanks the committee, bows, and takes his leave.

At Yeol Yeol Pizza, Su Yeol, in casuals [hoodies suit him] pores over the restaurant's books:

Su Yeol: When I see this, it makes me think that we're really biologically related.

Dong Yeol: Why do you say that?

Su Yeol: Ryu Dong Yeol. You've gotten better at stealing money from the pizzeria. You almost fooled me.

Dong Yeol: [laughs nervously] Seriously, you're so good at revealing corruption...! [pause] And a lot of people thought that we were biologically related. You and I resemble each other.

At that, Mama Ryu smacks Dong Yeol with a dish rag, to which Su Yeol asks for her to slap him some more, tells Dong Yeol he has a week to replace the 200k won he nicked, and tells Mama Ryu to ask Dong Yeol about a woman he suspects he's been seeing. Actual Narc Ryu Su Yeol.

The door's bell rings: It's Jeong Hun! Su Yeol thanks him for his statement. The boy says he's here about the delivery driver job ad, since he's done it before. The two exchange smiles, and Su Yeol calls out to Dong Yeol to "introduce" him as their new part-timer. Dong Yeol immediately grabs him to feed him, calling him "Brother". Aww!

The next day, Su Yeol mopes alone on a see-saw, recalling that infamous time on one with K. [The bittersweet, self-mocking humour of this scene is peak this show, and I'll miss it dearly.] Hui Gyeom arrives, and offers to join him.

The two walk and talk; Hui Gyeom says that public opinion of him is pretty decent because it's sparked a viral debate about cops with PTSD not talking about mental health. She asks if he'll come back to work. He says he's not sure, but then stops.

Su Yeol: What else?

Hui Gyeom: What?

Su Yeol: It looks like there's something else. I thought you came here to talk about something serious. That's why you probably came here alone without the team.

Hui Gyeom: Right... [pause] Do you remember the day when we arrested Kim Gye Sik? You stopped by my house briefly because of your wound on the forehead.

Su Yeol: [deadpan] Oh, that day. I can't forget that day. [pause] What? What about that day?

Hui Gyeom: What? [pause] I'm curious about the thing that happened that day. Who were you back then? Were you yourself? Or were you K?

Su Yeol: What do you mean?

Hui Gyeom: What? Who was it? You know, the thing... [sheepish] The one who kissed me.

As Su Yeol's in the middle of making Surprised Pikachu Face, in swoops K – yay, he's back! – and immediately puts Su Yeol in a headlock:

K: I knew it!

Su Yeol: Let go of me, you jerk!

K: I already warned you: When it comes to justice and love, heroes go all out!

Su Yeol: Hey, let go of me! You crazy jerk! It's been a while! Say hi first!

K: "Say hi"? How can I be happy and say hello to you right now? You! Tell me what happened between you and Hui Gyeom that day. Tell me everything!

Su Yeol: Nothing happened! We just watched Amazing Saturday! Let go of me!

K: I will never believe you, jerk!!

The two's cries join in unison as Su Yeol, revealed to be visualising this entirely (instead of acting/speaking it out visibly/audibly), stares off into space until Hui Gyeom snaps him out of it. She asks if K showed up again, but he says that K "doesn't show up anymore" and that, if K had known about the kiss, he'd have killed Su Yeol. He asks Hui Gyeom what she wants to do and, before she can respond, asks if she's going to "stay with our team". She happily takes that to mean that he's coming back, and promises to keep an eye on him since K is gone.

In court, Yun Ho's lawyer suggests a defence based around his childhood trauma. In the bathroom, Yong incapacitates a guard, and attacks Yun Ho, who didn't even get a chance to wash his hands. He tries to fight back, but she has the upper hand throughout, and literally tears open his jugular vein with her bare teeth, killing him. Good. Fucking good.

A year later, Su Yeol struts the hall of (Ex-)Detective Lim's club, noting its "upgrade". In a private room, he refuses a drink from both Lim and Ju, who's also there, and showering him with compliments. Lim offers an envelope of cash, but Su Yeol balks at this, saying he's just there to catch up. Lim takes the hint and offers, as before, a second, fatter envelope (with another "ta-da!"), at which Su Yeol makes his previously seen "I would fuck this money if I could" face. The trio exchange naughty grins. But!

Su Yeol: By the way, if I keep digging, how far will I get? I can't help but get curious.

He laments that it's so obvious that Lim is bribing him, and takes out his phone to snap photos of the envelopes. He bats their hands away ("Don't touch it; it will only make it worse") and calls his "students" to move in.

In the hall, Jae Seon and Gyeong Tae fight Lim's cronies, while Hui Gyeom takes down Lim herself. Back in the room, Su Yeol cuffs Ju and jabs that it must feel crappy being arrested by him. Ju tells him that this goes all the way up to the commissioner, who's collecting bribes before he dicks off to the National Assembly. He warns Su Yeol that if he starts this fight, his career will be fucked.

Cue: Bad and Crazy theme music, that fucking banger of a choon, and Su Yeol walking down the station's steps. Wait – we've seen this before. We've definitely seen this before! To the familiar chorus of his team yelling "No! Don't do it!", Su Yeol descends the steps in his best running shoes, calls out to the commissioner and, with a maniacal grin on his face, runs, jumps and, with a cat-like, K-like leap, gears up for another Big Kick!

And, with a freeze-frame sandwiching a mini run-down of the show's greatest clips, we're done. For good. Thank you, Team Bad and Crazy x

-------------------------------------------------------

At the risk of clichés: What a ride it's been, huh? I wish we'd gotten more than just 12 episodes, but that might be my own greed talking. [I've never been a proponent of the USian-style 24-episode format, though. It always sounded exhausting.]

I'm happy with how all of this ended, especially the way it reduced Yun Ho's fate, after all of his self-important grandeur, to a mere narrative footnote: offed in the loos by a Russian vampire. And a sombre but fittingly violent note on which to end Yong's story. As for other arcs, I've enjoyed watching Jae Seon bond with an an increasingly confident Gyeong Tae, and Jeong Hun come into his own despite what he's been through. Another "found family" success story!

I also liked the subtle, implied duality of every conversation between Hui Gyeom and Su Yeol. While they were staunch professionals who kept their minds on the case at every turn, it was rather sweet watching the little moments that hinted at an "almost" conversation about their relationship, but you can tell that these two didn't need to have said actual conversations. It's a more grounded romance angle that lets both of these characters be realistic human beings.

As for Su Yeol himself, well, this dickhead endeared himself to all of us through his de-Grinchifying by way of spending more time with Hui Gyeom, Gyeong Tae and, most of all, his family. You can't be as much of a selfish wanker when Mama Ryu and Dong Yeol remind you, through food and love, of when you used to not be a shitheaded reprobate. His journey has been by turns both fun and heartwarming, as we watched various people repeatedly (and sometimes literally) shoving Su Yeol towards the direction he needs to be in to make himself into a better person. Especially K, that yappy little puppy of a human pokémon, and who's been such a consistent joy to watch yet also such a powerful metaphor for a topic that's still woefully under-discussed.

The show has handled a litany of heavy subjects – from gaslighting, to child abuse to Alzheimer's – but the take on mental health has impressed me. Su Yeol is routinely shown speaking to multiple doctors (admittedly, with varying results) about his condition and, to the end, never wavers from acknowledging the very real existence of K. From what I've read about Dissociative Identity Disorder, alters are genuinely real because they are valid parts of a person's identity, and they're neither inherently bad or good. There's no cure but, rather, it's a managed condition, and the fact that Su Yeol now internalises his interactions with K is definitely progress. It also fits in with Doctor Heart Mender's assessment that mental health conditions don't just go away (and can often relapse).

I don't know the state of things around mental health discussions in Korea, but I wonder if a lesser show might have had Su Yeol lie about K's existence. But he didn't – he stood up for K, for his own mental health, at the risk of his own job. The footnote about Su Yeol's case "going viral" on the agency's website, and how it prompted discussions around cops talking about their own PTSD, also signals a much more progressive take on men's mental health issues. I'd be happy to see this trend more.

But I'm still sad it's over!

Even with other shows threatening to fill the gap, this show has left a sizeable hole. I'll miss watching these two complete fucking idiots raise incompetent chaos twice a week. There'll be nobody else quite like them. [raises glass] To you, Supernintendo Dickhead, and his King.

Stray thoughts:

The use of straitjackets is a generally outdated practice. There are far better tools (pharmacological, non-confrontational, etc.) to safeguard potentially dangerous patients. This article basically compares it to using leeches. But, given the standards that the episode's hospital (and that doc) seems to espouse, their use of it doesn't surprise me.

I've been enjoying the "eye" motif this entire series, particularly when set against things that the characters are either blind to by trust (Hui Gyeom/Gye Sik) or choice (Su Yeol being a dickhead and turning a blind eye to injustice).

I wonder what "artist" Moon Jo would think of Su Yeol's drawings.

You could measure this finale entirely in Su Yeol's cartoon faces.

I'm choosing to take Su Yeol disappearing from Mama Ryu's periphery as a SFH nod/Moon-jo-ism. [Nobody's stopped me yet from unearthing these from where I choose, no matter how much of a reach some of them are.]

I see Doctor Heart Mender has softened his stance on shamans.

Doc's summary of the show's core conflict is chef's kiss: "A lunatic has finally learned to handle a psychopath."

My Episode-3 prophecy about Su Yeol being shit at doors came true!

The Brothers Ryu reunion was touching. Lots of hugs, lots of asking if things are OK. As it should be.

I may be wrong, but it seems like we purposefully weren't shown whose hand was cut when Su Yeol was taking the glass from Mama Ryu's hand. Or, indeed, if it was both. Given the symbolism (family/sharing struggles, especially given they're not blood relatives [which doesn't matter]), I don't think we needed to know, no?

I understand we're watching the icily unflappable Yun Ho lose it/take off his "I'm not a psycho" mask but Jung Sung Il's OTT facial expressions in the fire scene were just too panto for me. I think this is down to the director rather than (just) the actor, though.

Yun Ho leaving the fire but hearing Su Yeol still call out for K in what he thought was his final moments. The man's made his decision, and it ain't you, Doctor McBastardpants.

During Su Yeol's recollections as he (almost) succumbs to the fire, the train of thought as depicted, from one memory to the next, is brilliantly, plausibly lucid. You really can connect the dots yourself.

Su Yeol telling Yun Ho he's scared of him but Su Yeol's own body language and posture saying the absolute opposite. In this situation, though, I wholly support fake-it-til-you-make-it.

Su Yeol: "Ah, you talk too much", he says, TALKING THE MOST IN THIS SCENE (Yun Ho literally said three words).

God bless the DP who decided to use POV shots for the headbutts. Derangement level definitely conveyed.

Hallway of the Id, now devoid of scary colour and lighting, and sound-mixed to record as boringly and non-threateningly as any other hallway. Su Yeol also looks taller when walking through it.

The bits of English in this show continue to be fun, especially K with "full name!"

K saying "Ding, dong, ddaeng!" (to mean "Correct!") – is that a Running Man reference?

The music, the emotional beats, the running, the lighting, the hug, the bloody overhead pyrotechnics. This is a romance scene. Specifically, a Bollywood romance scene. And I adore it.

Even on its own, K's crying, Su Yeol's warm smile and the two hugging would have been enough to make me sob. Two years into this pandemic and not having hugged my friends since 2020, this hits especially hard.

I already wanted these two idiots to win Best Couple at the Baeksang Arts Awards but after the abject purity of that hug and everything it stood for, I think they're in with a chance.

200,000 won = 123 GBP/167 USD.

As Su Yeol's become less of a piece of shit, his clothing has slowly gotten more comfortable and/or more practical.

Su Yeol: "K doesn't show up anymore." That doesn't mean he's not still there, just that maybe his manifestations are now something that Su Yeol can visualise entirely rather than play out their interactions for everyone else to see and hear.

Yong, episode 11: "Do you think I can see that scumbag in court?" Yong, episode 12: Sees said scumbag in court.

Between Hallway of the Id, the reinstatement hearing and the club, Su Yeol walks down a fair few corridors in the show's final scenes, with increasingly positive results.

#bad and crazy #bad and crazy recap #lee dong wook #wi ha jun #wi ha joon #lee dongwook #kdramas #bac kdrama #at least i still have an overactive subconscious so i can occasionally still have dreams about the show

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imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl · 4 years ago

Text

Love On-Set (Pt. 10 of 10)

Pairing: Dacre Montgomery X Reader

Word count: 1.2 K

Summary: You knew acting on Stranger Things season 3 would be a challenge, and you also knew, from the start, you'd have to work closely with Dacre Montgomery. But is wasn't a big deal for you, since this is your job and you're determined to act professionally. You had it all figured out, or so you thought, until the moment you were out face to face with Dacre. Then, this job became a lot harder than it was supposed to be, since you can't seem to focus whenever you're around Dacre. And you'll have to be around him a lot until the end of production.

<- Previous part (09)

{Dacre Montgomery Masterlist}

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

What Comes Next...

The last three months have been hectic, in between shooting the last scenes of season three, the premiere, and the interviews that always follow. The Internet is going insane because not only Billy, one of the villains from season 2 changed and got a love interest, but you and Dacre, outside of the cameras, are together. The fans absolutely love it. But after the events and all the talk shows and YouTube channels wanting you both for a meeting, you had to call it out eventually and head back home.

It's not that you don't like it, the attention and the fans all rooting for your relationship, but you also like the private life, the one you get to share with Dacre alone, as well as your friends and families. But not everything is broadcasted. This moment is an example of that.

Seated on the sand, you watch the sun rising, casting its light on LA, lighting up the blue sky, mixed with the ocean ahead of you. Both your cellphones were left at your place, and the beach is empty. This moment belongs to you alone. Well, to you and the paparazzi that took a few pictures of you some minutes ago, but he's gone now.

“What are your plans after season four?” Dacre asks, his deep, strong voice being carried by the fresh morning wind.

Billy and Amy survived, unlike Hopper and Heather. It was a pleasant surprise you only found the day before shooting the last scenes of the Battle of Starcourt. And of course, you're already down for the next season, and everything you know so far is that Billy and Amy left with the Byers, and are now in an established relationship. The rest will only come when you get the script, which will take several months. “Uhm... Season five if the characters make it that far.”

“Uhm... And after that?”

Giving Dacre a glance, you wonder where he's going with this. Season four is only due to next year, and the production won't start in at least five or six months. “I don't know. Some studios are calling me but I'm not interested in the roles they have. What about you?”

“I'm thinking of holding to Stranger Things only.” He shrugs his shoulders, leaning closer to place a quick kiss on your lips. “Then I want to make a pause. Settle down, focus on my personal life.”

“Sounds good.” Raising an eyebrow, you can't help but ask. “And am I on this personal life thing?”

“Only if you want to.”

Blushing, you bite your lip. “Only if I want to.” You repeat, the wind suddenly stronger, messing with your hair. “I think I do, Mr. Montgomery.”

“There's something else I've been meaning to ask you.” His voice gets serious, and he pulls away so he can stare into your eyes.

“What is it?”

“I was thinking about going to Australia.” Dacre starts, holding your hand in his. “My family still lives there and I want to formally introduce you to them, not only through video calls. And there's a lot of places I'd love to show you.”

Oh... That's something. “I'd absolutely love to go, Dacre. Just tell me when and for how long.”

“That's the thing...”

“What's the thing?”

“I was thinking about staying there... Until the shooting for the next season starts.” There's insecurity in his voice and you know why. Dacre was only renting this house in LA because of the show, but his home is in Australia. “But honestly, going back there, and staying literally half a world apart from you is too much.”

“Yeah, I'd hate it too...” Holding your hair so it'll stay away from your face, you look at the ocean. “But this is... Something. I mean, I could rent a place near yours and–”

“We literally shared the hotel room, and now I either spend the days here or you stay at my place, so I guess that would go on for a few weeks until you decide to just stay with me.” Dacre has this cocky tone and a smirk, so you playfully punch his arm.

“Oh, don't tease me!” A small fight, filled with giggles start, as you try to slap him. But Dacre easily holds your arms, and suddenly, he pushes you down until you're lying down on the sand with him hovering above you. “I'll go with you.” You burst out because the possibility of not going didn't even cross your mind. “But only if you give me that amazing massage in the back after the flight because I know it takes like 48 hours to get there.”

“If we're lucky we can find a 24 hours flight.” When the wind pushes some hair over your face, Dacre moves it away before leaning down to kiss you, slow and passionate. “But yes, I'll give you all the massages you want when we get there.”

“You should really be more careful with the things you promise, sweetheart.” You tease, pushing him off of you. “So. When do we leave?”

“What about next week? Enough time to buy the tickets, pack everything, and to enjoy LA a little longer.”

“Speaking about enjoying LA...” Smiling, you stand up, taking off your shoes. “I'll go for a swim.”

“Babe... You can't swim.” Dacre keeps the half-smile as you walk backwards, eyes on him as you move closer to the water.

“Yes. I really wish I had a strong boyfriend to help me out but apparently–” You stop talking when he stands up, walking fast until he reaches you, and in a swift motion, he lifts you up, parting your legs so they'll be around his waist.

“You were saying..?”

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you giggle when the waves start hitting your back, soaking your clothes. “I was saying I do have a strong boyfriend.”

“Interesting how you change your mind so quickly.” You feel when his feet stop reaching the bottom, and the two of you just stand there, floating, and despite knowing you could die here, you feel safe with Dacre.

“It's gonna be amazing, you know... Australia. The two of us.” You mumble, a hand caressing his cheek. “I am quite scared of the wild animals they have there, but I know you'll protect me.”

“I sure will. I did save you from a freaking Mind Flayer, didn't I?”

Giggling, you nod. “That you did.”

With the calming waves surrounding you, you kiss him, deep and sweet. It tastes salty from the water, but soon enough the taste of his lips overcome everything. And it also tastes like promises, spoken and unspoken. And you know that wherever you are, here or on the other side of the world, you will be fine, and happy, and safe. With Dacre, you don't have to be afraid of what you feel anymore, you can just let it out. You can trust him with your whole heart.

@baker151910 @shinydixon @dreamin-of-dacre @hanoi15 @lickmymelaninn @foccus @multific @uncookspaget @kellysimagines @peakascum @thisbreakableheaven @nope-thanks

#dacre montgomery x reader #dacre montgomery imagine #dacre montgomery fanfiction #imagine dacre montgomery #dacre montgomery #stranger things imagine #imagine billy hargrove #billy hargrove x reader

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dazedbydazai · 4 years ago

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예뻤어 - You Were Beautiful

➤ Pairing: Dazai Osamu x Fem!Reader

➤ Genre: Angst

➤ Warning: Character death(s)

➤ WC: 2.0K

(A/N: This was requested by an anon and was inspired by DAY6′s song, You were Beautiful. I suggest listening to that while reading this. It just hits right.)

Dazai Osamu was a very secretive and elusive man. He had multiple tricks up his sleeve, he was manipulative, cunning, and unforgiving. He didn't know what love was, he abandoned that emotion long ago. He was merciless and self-centered, only caring about things that will benefit him. Dazai Osamu was not a good man.

But all of that changed when his closest friend, Odasaku, died.

Promising to turn over a new leaf, Dazai left the Port Mafia in pursuit of something more beautiful, something good, and he had also vowed to not let anyone else enter his life and be attached to them in fear of losing them like he lost his friend.

Dazai vowed. He closed himself off, hiding behind a pretentious and flamboyant character that fools people with his handsome smile and witty banter. Dazai didn't want to repeat the same mistake twice. Dazai had already learned.

He chanted this in his mind over and over again but alas, he was not able to stick to his word. Because just after a few months of leaving his past self behind, he suddenly met you.

A beautiful woman. Funny, kind, and just as intelligent as Dazai, you showed up in front of him like an angel and broke down all the walls he's built.

Dazai didn't understand why, of all people, did you come to him? Why waste your time on someone who's suicidal and clearly not of sound mind? Why bother entertaining his antics and flirtatious behavior when you knew that he only did this to cover up his ugliness within?

Simple. The answer was simple.

It was just in your nature.

You were gentle when you first embraced Dazai. You were understanding when he told you about his past. You were soft spoken when you told him that it's okay. You were kind, so very kind, that Dazai didn't bother to put up his walls around you anymore.

Dazai let himself fall. He wanted to hold you in his arms longer, wanted you to kiss his pain and anguish away, he wanted to love you. And he did.

That promise he made himself was long forgotten as he sighed contently, letting your fingers drag through his hair, gently fixing it up.

"Dazai? Are you falling asleep?" You giggle as you look at him through the mirror of your dresser.

Dazai blinked a few times before grinning at you. "Hmm... if I say yes, would you let me sleep in your bed tonight?"

You lightly smack his forehead and laugh. "If you meant that literally, then go ahead."

You were always so welcoming with Dazai, no, actually with all the people you meet. You treat them equally, always talking to them with a smile on your face. But Dazai likes to think that he's given special treatment from you. You are, after all, the closest person he's ever let in his life next to Odasaku.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Being with you was easy. You calmed Dazai's heart, relaxed his mind, made him feel more human.

"You are the most beautiful person I've ever met," He had told you one day as you ate your lunch together. If it was anybody else, they'd assume that Dazai was just being his usual flirty self. But since it was you, you knew that those words held something deeper as you look in his brown orbs.

Being with Dazai was difficult, to say the least, but you kept up with him, determined to help him in any way you can. And it wasn't long before you found yourself falling for him too.

It was in the gentle way he held your hand, the glint in his eyes whenever he talks to you, the softness and vulnerability of his voice when he lets out his inner thoughts and nightmares.

You were always there, listening through each and every one of his stories. Even when he had called you up at three o'clock in the morning, voice hoarse and shaky as he apologized to you.

"Did you have another nightmare?" You ask softly and when Dazai says yes, you sit up on your bed and walk him through it. You always knew how to calm him down, knew the right words to say, and Dazai was thankful for that.

Dazai truly loved you and you loved him too.

That's why even if he knows he won't be able to hold you in his arms forever, he still takes the chance and asks you to be his.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It feels like heaven. Dazai thought as he held you in his arms one cold winter night.

It was perfect. How your hand fit in his as he kissed your knuckles gently.

"You are so beautiful, my belladonna."

Those words never failed to make you blush, your heart skipping a beat as Dazai traces the features of your face with his finger.

"Stay with me like this forever, Dazai. I want to keep you close to me for as long as I can," You whisper these words as you close your eyes, feeling sleepy.

"Don't say that like you're going someplace else, my love. I will forever be by your side," Dazai replied as he kissed your forehead and wrapped the blanket closer to your bodies.

But maybe Dazai should have taken your words more seriously that night. Because a few weeks later, he will find himself regretting not holding onto you tighter.

Life was cruel, Dazai knew that from a young age. Things never go according to plan. One moment you're up in the clouds, and the next you're falling head first to the ground.

That's how Dazai felt today as he got a call from the hospital.

Leaving behind his work at the agency and rushing over to you in a panic, Dazai felt his world slowly crumble to pieces as he saw the state you were in.

"What happened?" Dazai asked the doctor as he stood still at the doorway of your room. Dazai's eyes were blank as he listened to the doctor explaining that you suddenly fainted in the middle of the street. That it was probably due to the strain in your heart, a terminal illness that Dazai had no idea you had.

But maybe he already knew. He saw you multiple times trying to take some medicine in secret, as if you were afraid of letting Dazai see. At one time he found a bottle of pills in your cabinet but he didn't dare ask what it was for.

It was silly, how you two were so alike, how you also masked your own pain by that beautiful smile of yours.

When the doctor had finished and left, Dazai approached your bed and sat by your side. Even with your eyes closed and your lips not the usual shade of pink, Dazai still found you beautiful and he simply stared at you, waiting for you to wake up.

When you come to, the first thing you see is the familiar tousle of Dazai’s hair as he laid his head on your hospital bed. You felt your words get caught up in your throat and your hand flinch.

“Belladonna?” Dazai called out groggily, having woken up by your movement.

Immediately, as you lock eyes with him, you felt your tears forming and falling at the corner of your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Was all you could say as you cried. You felt horrible, both physically and emotionally. All this time you had kept this a secret from him, from someone who has been so honest with you from the start. You apologized over and over again, not knowing what else to say.

Dazai hushed you by wiping your tears away. “What are you sorry for, my belladonna?”

You force the lump down your throat as you look up at the ceiling, suddenly unable to face Dazai head on.

“For everything,” You whisper. “I know I should have told you about this. But I just…”

Dazai waited for you to continue, staying silent as he brushed his thumb across your cheeks.

You shut your eyes and cry harder, your body shaking horribly. “I didn’t want to worry you, didn’t want you to see me like this. I look and feel so helpless.”

You clutch the sheets in your hands and take a shaky breath. “All my life they told me to just stay still, to not venture out in the world. I know I don’t have long to live and I planned to listen to them and close myself off. But that was until I met you.”

You find the courage to finally face Dazai again and your heart sank deeper as you see the blank look in his eyes. “I became selfish. Ever since I met you, I suddenly wanted to live. I wanted to experience everything life had to offer. I wanted to fall in love, and I’m so glad that I found that in you. And I don’t regret leaving my past behind and meeting you. But…”

You reach up and hold Dazai’s cheek and that’s when you saw the familiar pain cross his eyes. “The only regret that I have now is that I put you in this position once again.”

Dazai knew what you meant and he couldn’t help the deep sigh that escapes his lips. Closing his eyes, he leans into your touch and says, “Can’t you stay with me for a little longer, Y/N?”

It was the first time in a long while that he called you by your name and it hurt so bad how sad his tone was when saying it.

“I honestly don’t know Dazai,” You admit you aren’t sure how longer you can stay with him, how longer you can live. And as you helplessly lay on the bed and hold Dazai’s hand in yours tightly, you couldn’t help but pray to all the gods to give you a little bit more time.

Life was indeed cruel and it left a bitter taste in Dazai’s mouth as he stared out the window of your shared apartment. There were a lot of things left unsaid between you two but one thing was for certain, you really didn’t want Dazai to see the pain you were hiding inside.

You only wanted him to see the good things, the beautiful things. Wanted him to enjoy life and continue on his journey. But how was he supposed to do that now? He wanted to be angry, wanted to scream at the universe for kicking him down like this over and over again, but he can’t bring himself to. He couldn’t hate you. No. Not you.

Because you were beautiful.

From the moment he first saw you, he knew how gorgeous you were from inside and out.

You were beautiful.

Every time you said you loved him with that sparkle in your eyes. Every time you called his name in that sweet voice of yours. Every time you kissed and wrapped your arms around him.

You were beautiful.

Even as you saw all the ugliness of life, you still managed to smile.

You were beautiful.

Even as you said you were sorry, with tears staining your cheeks.

You were beautiful.

Even as you said your final good bye when you thought Dazai was sound asleep by your side.

Everything about you was beautiful, and deep down, Dazai was glad he found you. He was thankful that you guided him to the light. He was happy he got to spend a significant time with you.

But no matter how beautiful your time spent with him was, he still couldn’t help but clench his fist in anger. Why did you have to leave me too?

It was a question Dazai always asked but he never found an answer. Again, for the second time in his life, someone so dear slipped away from his hands.

Sometimes he wanted to end it as well, to fall into the hands of death. But he was suddenly afraid to push through it. He was afraid to forget you, to never see you again even as he closes his eyes. He was scared to lose his precious memories of you.

Because all of it was beautiful in his eyes.

And now as he lays in bed, he doesn’t know what hurts and haunts him more; the nightmares of his past life, or the constant dreams he has of you and your beautiful smile.

#bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs angst #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs angst #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #bsd #bsd angst #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #dazai x reader #bsd dazai angst

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okaylino · 4 years ago

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🌙 General Guidance Reading for the next 2 weeks 5/10-5/23 🌙 what do you need to hear?

Hi all! I originally planned to offer three groups to choose from, but as this is my first time I found I've underestimated that endeavor, so there's only one reading.

Please only continue if you feel pulled to. This is a general reading and multiple people might come from different spaces, so take what resonates, and don't force the rest ✨

(yes that’s a mattress..)

Moonology deck:

I'm seeing there’s an issue involving someone else that’s causing problems for you, an internal struggle, that Spirit is saying you need to break out of. And in the next two weeks this is going to become more and more apparent until it has to be addressed with the "A fiery climax approaches" card. Like a volcano that builds until it bursts. Something is "coming to wits end" is what I heard. And as much as it involves someone else, because it is showing another party, a lot of the issues I’m seeing are in fact personal and internal.

Crystal deck:

As far as who is also involved in this process, with the Chiastolite “passed loved ones” I sense it could be a family situation or a relationship, although it could be a friendship if that resonates more. Possibly a living arrangement or living with family, or an unfulfilling or toxic/negative relationship of some kind.

Moonology deck:

With "the end of a tough cycle approaches", the situation you're in can end, but Spirit is asking how willing are you to make a change and put in the effort towards your own happiness? This “your hard work is paying off” in the reverse is showing fear of change and effort will be needed in order to overcome this.

A cycle keeps repeating here. You could very well find yourself in these situations often due to lack of identity and happiness in yourself, and you try to find it in the ones who aren't good for you almost as a way for you to receive validation from those same people, for it to mean more or for closure, and Spirit is saying to step into your own power. Give what you're searching from them to yourself instead.

For the next two weeks, the message is heavy with themes of endings. A cycle is coming to a close. A personal issue will be resolved. Everything is pointing to an end to the repeating negativity. And it does require your effort but you are being aided in this. The "luck is on your side" card I tend to take as a "shoot your shot" message because you won't miss. You'll get through this!

These endings showed themslves in different ways: The breaking point could mean choosing to physically move from a living situation into a better environment, cutting off communication with that past. For others it could be that relationship you know you should cut off, maybe an ex you keep going back to that's not healthy. I also got while seeing this play out this theme of compassion with the Zebra stone card. Spirit is saying that while your feelings are valid - if you're angry it's valid, bitter it's valid, hurt it's valid - to remember to be compassionate for yourself. This could mean to take compassion and don't put yourself through this anymore. Focus on yourself and what's best for you. But there's also a card here that connects it and it says to "speak with kindness", and while I don't see it completely in the literal sense, it's more of a message that yelling things into oblivion will only cause yourself more harm. "It's up to you on which note you want to leave it on".

Terra deck:

The Monarch: change

There is going to be positive change here if you open yourself up to it. It'll be so good for you! This change, these endings that are coming, you're stepping into who you're supposed to be. You're letting go of these shackles. You need to break out of this cocoon that's not helping you grow and the first step is to acknowledge that it isn't. With this you are finding who you are, you're true identity. Putting in the work will be so fruitful for you and will put that reversed card upright to truly mean "your hard work is paying off".

Reading from the deck's book: "moving from home". This change really could be about moving. "There's no right way or single destination. Everything is what you make it. What you do today will be a vital instrument in your life tomorrow. Start change with baby steps. Don't allow yourself to sink too deeply into comfort."

The monarch uses the food it ate as a caterpillar to get where it's going but from here it doesn't seem like there was any of that preparation. This is your start of metamorphosis. Like, you need to start eating like the caterpillar after this climax takes place so you can start your journey to becoming this butterfly.

The Mule: endings

"It might feel like a terrible curse but these endings have the potential to act as a tremendous gift, especially with time." Again with starting to put effort into yourself and this situation. “Let endings serve you. Let them be opportunities instead of misfortunes.”

The Macaw: identity

"In this situation, you could be holding back who you really want to be." This card is asking you to question "who am i?" and "who do I want to be?". "Move past the toxicity you might encounter from others and to not let it effect the decisions you make."

The Flower deck:

Cheerfulness. "It is spring again, the Earth is like a child that knows poems by heart." I feel like with this change coming, as potentially painful or difficult as it might be, afterwards, it is going to feel so freeing. You are going to be filled with so much happiness, this cheerfullness. Like walking on air.

The first emotions of love. "Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat." At first it made me think of blindness in love. That love can make one blind which could've led to this situation. Or in the sense of obligation/turning a blind eye for the sake of love. But now I'm seeing it to also mean after you break free, and you embody this cheerfulness, the first emotions of love of what love is supposed to be, you're going to experience these first emotions of what a true love looks like. You might even run into someone you're supposed to meet. You might be leaving someone to be with someone else you already know who will be good for you.

For the flower petal deck, I got cards for advice and affirmations. We have:

Poppy "Remember who you wanted to be" referring back to the theme of identity. Focus on your desires and what you want to do with your life because it is your life. You are your own person.

Violet "The answers and truths are always within" referring back to the "look at the bigger picture" card in reverse. Search inward at the small details. The answers you are seeking might not be in your face, it could be as simple as making what you want to do a priority. In the deep recesses of your heart.

Lily of the Valley "happiness is found with your purpose" so doing what you want to do is how you can achieve your happiness.

Snapdragon "listen with care, speak with kindness" referring back to the zebra stone with compassion. "Don't blow your head... for your own sake" is what I keep hearing.

Tulip "you are worth what it is you desire" Spirit is asking you to know your worth and know that you are worth your happiness. You are worth taking care of yourself and putting yourself in a better situation.

Aster "the past is over, let your true self step forward" this goes back to identity as well. This is pretty self explanatory but I'm also hearing to let go of things when it's time. Allow yourself. You could be holding yourself back without knowing.

Lily "Good partnerships are made up of equal amounts of positivity" and this reminds me more of relationships but it could also refer to any kind of relationship, between friends or family as well. A good partner/person won't drag you down or keep you in negativity.

And that is all for your reading !

Again, if this doesn't resonate, please don't force it to fit. You have free will and can choose whichever path you wish. If you do resonate, I really hope you choose your happiness ❤️

Much love

#oracle reading #no tarot yet oof #feedback is also welcome #or critiques #I doubt I’ll be doing another one like this #but if this helped anyone at all #it would be amazing to know ^-^

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ixeliema · 5 years ago

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Okay this is going to be pretty personal and potentially triggering so I'm leaving that here at the top. I'm going to be discussing depression and self harm here and I will tag accordingly. I will not be specific or speak of it in detail because a lot of people read posts like these at their lowest points and it does nothing but hurt already very troubled people to read.

These bubbles are covering an injury I inflicted upon myself at work today after my manager called me in to a meeting with him to speak about the amount of missed days of work I'd taken in the last two-three weeks.

How it happened doesn't matter. The only context you need for it is that I missed four days due to a contagious illness and one day due to a stomach bug that had me physically unable to leave the bathroom. I work long hours and in my store's home department. I work hard and never do things 80% or lower at work and it's exhausting at times.

Well...yesterday I had a panic attack that lasted for almost four hours and knew I couldn't work in this state. I had been curling into a ball, screaming, sobbing, (tw) pulling my hair.

I called in and my manager told me we'd need to talk about my missed days. Fine. I accept that. Today I dreaded the inevitable call back and when it happened he told me that two of my customers had filed complaints on me within two days last week.

One I will admit is justified. He was talking about gun issues and complaining that retail stores should sell guns, meanwhile I am from a college that was shot up and I am fucking terrified of guns. I don't mind not selling them. Especially in light of El Paso recently.

The other was a lady who noticed I was sweaty and tired after having to manually enter her discounts for about 25 apparel items because her digital coupon wasn't ringing right and it was a system issue. I had an injury between my fingers at the time and all the typing to fix the prices was pulling apart my scab and I had begun to bleed through my bandage. At the end of the transaction, she made eye contact with me and asked "I'm sorry...are you IRRITATED with me?" I don't remember exactly what I said but I said something like "no ma'am I'm bleeding". Well apparently 'no' means I'm still a bitch who needed reported to her manager.

The first...fine. I was out of line there. I shouldn't have let him goad me on. But the second pisses me off. Not happy because three strikes on my record is cause for termination due to disregard for customer satisfaction. This sucks a lot. But then my manager talks about my missed days and why they happened. I mentioned my sicknesses and cited a literal rule (if you are contagious or having issues with bodily fluids don't come in" at him. Yesterday I told him my situation. I was unable to breathe. See. Anything. I cited my mental illness and told him it was very bad yesterday. He kind of brushed me off. (Which in itself fucking infuriates me bc mental health isn't a goddamn joke!)

Then he told me to evaluate myself and whether or not this job is right for me. I also have a physical injury and I require a brace. Even with it sometimes I have sore days and pain that I can't control due to walking about four to five miles a day at work. It sucks but with the brace I can survive. I need this job to live after all, and I don't mind the coworkers or the job itself. It just sucks when I'm working 48 hours in a row with a lot of mental and physical barriers to my success.

He told me to my face that if I didn't feel I was capable of doing the job to quit. And then he told me he needed someone "more reliable" for the position because of the business' needs.

I kind of broke at that point. And I blacked out into a relapse of my self harm after the meeting was through. I pride myself on two things: my sense of humor even in dark times (comes with the territory of mental illness), and the fact that I strive to be reliable. My manager telling me to my face that I wasn't reliable broke me.

See I would be more understanding if he hadn't just told me that five of my six missed days were perfectly acceptable. But after he learned of the last one amd why he kind of shifted gears. And I hated it very much.

He's worked for x corporation nearly 20 years and no one will question his authority. He works hard and is pretty good with his workers. Honestly he's a little sexist and clearly doesn't think mental illnesses are a big deal, but he's good at what he does. So hearing an authority figure (the type of person I've learned to fear because I'm never good enough) tells me I'm not one of the qualities I fucking FIGHT for...I broke.

But this story isn't why I wanted to post it. Yeah I could rant about the rude manager and the customers and that dumb "customer is always right" mentality (which they could prove wrong if they just looked up the security footage for the rude lady!)

No I'm here because when I got home from working 2-11...bordering tears and panic all day and sweatier than anyone living in Arizona right now...I hopped in the bath for a soak and to give myself time to heal from the long arduous day.

My mind has been full of intrusive thoughts about my worth and how I broke my streak of being clean from self harm and how that makes me a coward. That kind of joyous stuff.

I sat up to get my phone to text my friend and saw that my knee (where my injury is) was covered in bubbles.

I don't know why...but that means a lot to me right now. Like...I'm taking care of myself after probably the worst day I've had since my dad died. I'm taking time to heal. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my soul after a long and painful day. And it felt like for a moment, the universe understood that looking at my wound hurt me as much as the wound itself hurt. It wanted me to not dwell on it.

Obviously this isn't a magic "I'm no longer depressed" moment but for me, seeing the bubbles...a sign (at least to me) of trying to take care of myself masking the pain of my depression and anxiety.

Today has been a very tough day for me with a lot of manic episodes and a lot of depressive ones, and though I can wear the face that I'm okay...it cracked a lot today and I let my ugly side seep out. And seeing the bubbles covering my wound I deadass cried about it, y'all.

This tells me that even on your worst days, taking care of yourself and trying to find time to recover can help you to heal. And I wanted to post this because I think this story might help someone. Even just one person. Maybe even just myself someday when out of the blue I check my (very small) tag for original posts.

The TLDR of this is that this occurence kind of showed me that taking care of yourself...even in tiny, seemingly insignificant ways, can really help you to not dwell on pain as much.

And before someone hijacks this and says this won't apply to everyone...I know. But I hope someone sees this image of bubbles on a goddamn kneecap and thinks to themselves that they ought to take better care of themselves after a bad day. After a relapse. After feeling so defeated you considered suicide. Consider healing. Consider trying to help yourself, even just in one small way.

That's about all I have to say other than "fuck I work the next three days and I'm not stoked to go fake a smile as a cashier for 27 more hours even if I'm being paid"

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rainyrowan · 6 years ago

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Sunkissed - Chapter 2

description: Wedding of the century rolls around as the previous college clique, along with the rest of their family members, stay in preparation for it. During this time, Riley meets Lucas, a gorgeous, green-eyed wallflower who happens to be immediately taken by her. Little did she know, he has a deep secret. One that will either change her views on him forever or make her feel closer to his world.

word count: 2,801

pairings: riley x lucas

Song: Troublemaker by Olly Murs (Ft. Flo Rida)

chapter two; lucas

"Please stop!" I pleaded. As much as I've begged for him to stop, he wouldn't. He kept going.

He began walking towards my mother. Her eyes were filled with so much sorrow and fear that it was too painful for me to even look at her. She quickly scurries over to me. "Lucas, listen to me. You need to leave, okay? Aubrey is in the basement downstairs. Take her with you and go as far away from here as you can." She whispers, but he then grabs her from behind and pushes her up against the wall.

I couldn't bear to see him do this. Again. "STOP HURTING HER!" I yell. He turns around and stares at me with his bloodshot eyes. In that very moment, I was ready for whatever would happen next. He lets out a drunken chuckle before taking a swing at me.

Like always, he doesn't stop. He only kept going.

Punch.

Kick.

Hit.

"No," I whimpered. I couldn't take him. I was too weak."No..."

"NO!" I suddenly jerk up, panting. I feel the sweat dripping down from my forehead. "Just a dream," I whisper to myself repeatedly. The same dream I've been getting for the longest time.

I glance over at my clock. Too early. I graciously plopped back down and wrapped myself in my covers.

I think I had a good ten minutes before someone came knocking on my door.

"Lucas," a voice from behind it says softly. Knowing who it is and why I'm being awakened so early, I ignore it.

"Hey, buddy. It's six-thirty, we've got a flight to catch." I feel a hand rub my back, but I still continue to ignore. "Fine! If this is how you want it-" All of a sudden, I hear footsteps skid across my floor before a crushing weight falls on top of my chest.

"Ow!" I cry as my eyes flung open to see my Aunt Rachel seated on top of me. What a goof.

"You know, that really wasn't necessary!" I say looking up at her.

"Um, it really was! I've been trying to wake you up three times already." She exclaims, getting off.

We're supposed to fly to California today in preparation for my Aunt Rachel and Uncle Jack's wedding. It's safe to say that Aunt Rachel is very, very excited. Apparently, they're hiring these two wedding planners, who were their close friends from college, to help them plan and run everything. However, their timing isn't really the best. Due to Uncle Jack's schedule complications, they had to move the wedding earlier than anticipated. Earlier as at the end of this week. How they're going to plan this whole ceremony in one week, I don't know. But, I'm quite certain that with Aunt Rachel around, they can surely do it. She's always been a believer of the fact that if you really put your mind to something, you can accomplish it. And she has. I've seen her done miraculous things with this mindset. She's someone I surely look up to.

I finally find all the strength to pull myself out of bed. "Is Aubrey ready?" I ask.

"Yes, sir. As a matter of fact, we all are. So, if you don't hurry, I will literally beat your ass!" She jokes, leaving my room. I let out a chuckle as she shuts the door behind her. She may be my aunt, but she treats me like a little brother on a day to day basis.

I quickly peel off my sleepwear and put on a pair of jeans, along with a black hoodie. I then grab my stuff before leaving the room.

The smell of freshly cooked bacon and eggs greeted me as I entered the kitchen.

"Good morning, Lucas! Your food's right over there." Uncle Jack points over to the plate next to my little sister, who is currently inhaling her breakfast. I laugh at the sight. Can't blame her, though. Uncle Jack never fails to delight our taste buds.

"Hi, Aubrey," I say, setting my bags down and taking a seat next to her. Still chewing, she smiles up at me in response.

I dig into my delicious meal as Uncle Jack sits in front of me. "You know, you didn't have to make us breakfast. We could've grabbed Starbucks at the airport or something."

"Well, I just-"

Out of nowhere, Aunt Rachel storms into the kitchen, picking up all our stuff. "Okay! I'll be bringing our bags downstairs since the cab will be arriving any minute now. Hurry up and finish your food! We don't have all day, so chop chop!" She yells. Before I could even offer any help, she's already out the door.

"As I was saying, I feel bad for leaving you two with all that craziness." Uncle Jack jokes. I let out a soft chuckle.

Uncle Jack mentioned something about this huge conference going on for his company, which takes place this week. So, he won't be coming to California until two days before the wedding. He really tried getting out of it, but it just impossible. I felt bad for him, of course, but all I could really think about is how on earth are we all going to survive this crazy week.

Aunt Rachel pokes her head into the apartment door. "Cab's here!" Uncle Jack quickly dashes over to her and grabs her arm. He spins her around so she's facing him, then plants a kiss on her lips. Smooth.

"You think I'd let you leave without saying goodbye?"She gushes.

"I guess it'd be a little out of character of you if you did."

"I'll miss you," He whispers, pulling her into a hug. "Take care."

"You too." She pulls away and kisses him once again. They're honestly so perfect for one another. Why didn't get married sooner?

Uncle Jack then picks up Aubrey and showers her with my more kisses. "You have fun, my little princess." It means the world to me that he loves her, loves us, this much. From the very first day we moved in with them, Uncle Jack, in particular, seemed far more understanding of our situation.

"And you," He turns to me. "I know how you are with others." I already know where this is going.

"Look, the people you're about to visit- They're our family. They mean more to us than anyone would ever know. Please don't push them away, shut yourself out, or anything else along those lines. They're special, so I expect you to keep an open mind throughout this trip, alright?"

He's not in the wrong for saying all this. Past experiences have allowed me to disconnect from the world, even with the people around me. I just find it so hard to trust people. Only ones I've ever really trust are them. They were my only family after all.

I purse my lips, offering him a slight nod.

"Good." He says, pulling me into a hug. He pats my back before letting go.

"Alright, I don't want to keep you guys for too long." Uncle Jack smiles. "So, take care."

Once we've all said our goodbyes once again, we finally head out the building and into the taxicab that had been waiting for us. Aunt Rachel gives the address to the driver before we head straight to the airport.

- - -

California isn't really that far from Seattle, which is pretty convenient on my end because Aubrey absolutely hates plane rides. She threw a massive tantrum at first, but I managed to tame it. I spent the whole two hours of the flight trying to calm her down but cradling her in my arms whilst telling her multiple stories. Nothing too bad.

Once we exited the gate, a woman instantly spots us and starts running towards us. Aunt Rachel dropped her bags and ran towards her as well.

"Angela!" She exclaims, pulling her into an embrace.

"How are you, sweetheart? What have you been up to?"

"The usual. Oh, no big deal, but I also got engaged!" She pulls away to show off her hand with the engagement ring Uncle Jack gave her. They both squealed.

Angela then turns to smiles at me. "You must be the infamous Lucas Friar. I've heard a lot about you." Great. Someone else who knows about my awful past. She pulls me into a hug as I shoot Aunt Rachel a despising glare. "Sorry!" She mouths silently.

"Infamous, I am," I mumble, pulling away. I already hate this.

Angela turns to Aubrey in awe. "Oh! Who might you be, you gorgeous one?"

"My name is Aubrey." She says sweetly. Angela places her hands over her chest, turning to Aunt Rachel. "She's adorable!"

Aunt Rachel smirks. "Takes after me, obviously!"

"Well, we better get going. Cory and Topanga are really excited to see you." Angela says. She offers to carry Aubrey's stuff as we walk out of the airport and into the parking lot.

"Oh my gosh. I miss them so much," Aunt Rachel beamed, getting into Angela's minivan. "How are they?"

Sticking the key in the ignition, Angela laughs. "They're doing great. And Riley, oh my goodness! She's growing up to be an absolutely beautiful woman."

"You're kidding?! Last time I saw her, she was only a little baby!" Aunt Rachel gasped.

"It can't be that long! She's practically running the flower shop!"

"Who's Riley?" Aubrey asks out of curiosity.

"Honey, Riley is the daughter our friends," Aunt Rachel explains.

Angela turns to look at me. "Yeah, and she's about Lucas' age." She winks. Everyone in the car giggles. I silently roll my eyes.

The last thing I need is to have a thing with some California girl that I would probably never see again after this trip.

- - -

One thing that I worried about before this trip was how much I'd miss the city. I was pretty much born and raised there. I've never really gone anywhere else. Although, I have to admit- The drive to Cory and Topanga's, made me realize that it wouldn't be much on an issue. Apparently, they live alongside the beach, so the drive only consisted of beautiful beach scenery.

I focus on the clear blue water glistening as a handful of children run around the shoreline, ready to jump into the water. Other kids would stick around the far end to build sandcastles. Aubrey would surely have fun. I thought, planning to take her as soon as we've settled in.

As we drove closer and closer to the beach, I also happen to spot a ton of girls. I don't really think that much of them. As a matter of fact, I try my very best to avoid them as much as possible. Back in the city, a lot of them would practically throw themselves at me. Sometimes I wonder if they've still got their dignity or if they even had it in the first place.

Most girls here on the beach were either sunbathing or taking photos. Although, there was one who caught my eye. She obviously stood out since she was doing neither of those things. Even though we were close enough to where I could still get a good look at her, I couldn't capture a glimpse of her face.

Unlike the others, she was sitting on a rock by the shoreline. She had on a maroon sweater as her long brown curls flowed behind her. She was staring off into the ocean. She also had a camera by her side. Probably a photographer. I think to myself.

We finally pull up in front of what seems to be a flower shop called The Floral Boutique. According to Aunt Rachel, The Floral Boutique is a family business which is currently run by Topanga.

My eyes then fixate over to Ever After, a bridal shop which looks like it's connected to The Floral Boutique. From what I've heard, both Angela and Topanga co-own this business together. Topanga must be some kick-ass woman for being involved with two businesses.

With our bags, we all walk into The Floral Boutique. Behind the counter, a man looks up at us with a smile. "Well, I'll be damned!" He exclaims.

"Cory!" Aunt Rachel yells, offering him a hug. "This is my niece, Aubrey, and my nephew, Lucas."

He bends down to shake Aubrey's hand. "Nice to meet you, sweetheart!"

His gaze then leads to me. Cory stands up and folds his arms. "What are you, like 20?" He asks.

"No, sir." I laugh. "I'm 17."

Cory gasps."BOYZ!"

I tilt my head in confusion as he brings his face closer to mine. "What are you doing?" I mumble.

"Just examining your facial structure," He answers casually. Once he steps back he turns to my aunt. "He's too perfect! He shall remain five feet away from my daughter at all times." Riley.

Angela scoffs. "Don't even, Cory."

"Yeah," Aunt Rachel says. "Lucas is a wonderful guy."

I press my lips together. I don't know why everyone's insisting on anything, rather, why we're even talking about this. I truly have no desire to start something up with anyone this week.

"Rachel?" Someone calls out from the back room. All eyes fall on her as she approaches us.

"Oh my god. Topanga." Aunt Rachel says with a smile.

Based on appearance, I could already tell that she is a bad-ass woman. She just seems so... Strong. Like a fierce Amazon warrior type.

After a few short minutes of rekindling with one another and greeting Aubrey for the first time, she turns to me. I've never really met her, at least I don't think I have. About ready to introduce myself, she stops me.

"You're Lucas Friar."

"We've met?" I asked.

"Well, you probably don't remember me," She pauses. "But, yeah. We have. A long time ago, though. You were probably about this tall." Topanga levels her hand by her hip. Then her eyes fall on me once again. "I know all about you," She says casually. Okay, so does everyone know about me?! I slightly clench my jaw, planning on making a comment on that fact. However, Topanga speaks before I could.

"You're really brave." She smiles before walking back to everyone else. No one's ever told me that before. Because I've had such a horrible past, no one seems to want to fully acknowledge anything about it. If they do, it would usually be more of a negative remark, which is why I definitely preferred it being that way. Although, I do feel just slightly better about myself after hearing Topanga's comment.

Everyone follows her and Angela as they offer to give us a tour of both shops. I quietly tap Aunt Rachel on the shoulder.

"Hey, is it okay if I head off for a bit?" I ask.

"What? Lucas-"

"Please, I want to go explore the beach." I plead.

"Well, alright." She says hesitantly.

I subsequently slip away from everyone and head out of the shop. The scent of saltwater lingers through the air, which evidently brings a smile to my face as I make my way down to the shore.

As I was walking, I glance at three girls who were staring at me, giggling. Not wanting to have to deal with any more of that, I throw my hood on and hang my head down. I continued to walk like this whilst my peripheral vision focuses on the sand beneath me. This goes on for a bit before I bump into someone. I look up and I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was her.

The girl in the maroon hoodie. Well, now looking at it, a Harvard hoodie. She was standing right in front of me.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She apologizes.

For a moment, I am unable to breathe. Instead of responding as a normal person would, I just looked at her. My gaze fell upon her chocolate brown eyes, that I surprisingly found quite mesmerizing. This can't be happening. Snap out of it, Lucas. I shake my head.

"It's okay," I mumble before heading off. For some reason, I still felt her stare. I had a feeling she was still watching me. I kept walking long enough so that when I turned around to look back at her, she was already heading her way.

What just happened?

#gmw #riley matthews #lucas friar #rucas #rucas fic #my fics

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toastydehmer · 6 years ago

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Colors Ask

Original list can be found here! Though some of these were doctored up a wee bit just so I could make better sense of them.

[RED] What are you most passionate about? How did this passion develope?

My passion has been creating these ideas and worlds and AUs or even just overarching plots to stories I'll probably never write. It started with my voracious habit to read - something I probably do WAY too much of if I'm too be honest. As I read I would theorize and extrapolate from what the story told so far and I guess it became a habit. Now I look at fandoms I like or pairings and suddenly and writing down notes, sketching designs, and looking up references for this whole new Alternate Universe just because I can. I love it!

[ORANGE] How many pieces of fruit do you aim to eat per day? What do you actually manage?

Uh, I don't eat often bub. A meal at McDonalds is enough to fill me up for an entire 24-hour period. I eat fruit when my body craves it which tends to be about once a week to every other week.

[YELLOW] What's your happy place? Real or fictional?

Okay. That 'happy place' idea is utter bullshit. When I get an anxiety/panick attack, I don't go to a tranquil place in my mind and start to feel better. That doesn't help because guess what, an idle mind is the perfect playground for personal demons. Happy Places probably exist but they don't do jackshit once you're already in one and besides, I couldn't never keep my thoughts straight enough in the middle of an attack to make a decision.

[GREEN] Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? What's your favorite flower to smell?

Indoors during winter and late autumn, outdoors the rest of the year. I like to just lay in the grass when the sun is high on a clear, breezy day and bask in the light like a cat. As for flower... hell if I know. A flower is a flower to my brain.

[BLUE] What is your favorite mode of long distance transportation? Have you ever been on a plane? If so, what was it like?

Uh, car. I've only been a plane plane twice (nearly passed right out walling to my seat the first time I was so terrified) but both were utterly boring. The book I brought with I finished before half the trip was over. Though it was fun seeing the clouds, I think they would get boring after so many trips. And besides, in a car trip on my own, I can play whatever music I want however loud I please.

[INDIGO] What's your top three names? Would you ever consider having children?

I actually have a list in Google Drive because my boyfriend and I had started talking about the possibility of having kids sometime in the next five to ten years. Looking at it, it's hard to choose but it follows a pattern of a Latin, Greek, or Irish word that had meaning.

Daughter: it would be Eirini (Greek: Peace), Elpida (Greek: Hope), and Nadur (Irish: Nature).

Son: Anam (Latin: Soul), Rioga (Irish: Royal), and Nostrum (Latin: Ours).

[VIOLET] What's your favorite cake flavour? Are you any good at baking?

Chocolate hands down. If it's chocolate you got me. And yes, I am very good at baking. My two favorite recipes are Red Velvet cake with Cream Cheese frosting and Flour-less Chocolate Torte. Both arevcompletely from scratch mind you, frosting and all. So god damned delicious.

[PURPLE] Do you support the Royal Family? Who is your favorite historical figure and why?

Royal Family? Well, I don't know anything about them instead of Royal Family how about President? And no, I do not support a large portion of Trump's decisions mainly to do with his methods and the nuances of those decisions.

Also, I don't really have a favorite hostiorical figure? Or even one I like? To me they're like one big tapestry that details the human race, one which is still continually being added to. They are a part of the whole. Which to put in layman's terms means I like history overall more than any singular person involved.

[PINK] What is your favorite animal? Zoos or farms?

CATS!!! I love house cats, big cats, wild cats, domesticated cats, exotic cats, local cats, cats, cats, cats! But not the musical, lol. But I'd rather see cats in their natural habits. Hells, I'd rather see all animals in their natural habits when considering non-domesticaed animal breeds. I don't like either of them if the purpose is to just visit the animals in them.

[TURQUOISE] Do you like being in the sea? What coastal town is your favorite to visit?

Hm. I was born and raised in the land of ten thousand lakes and have only ever been to the coast twice, the Gulf of Mexico and the Southern Californian coast in specific. I was able to wade into the ocean when I went to the Gulf but I don't think that would be a good choice to base my decision on as I was stung my floating remnants of jellyfish and then didn't risk going in again after that. To make things easier, let's go with large bodies of water in general, to which the answer is a wholesome yes. I love to swim and float in the water.

[MINT] Do you like astrology? Do you consider Pluto a 'real planet'?

Ah. This question. I do occasionally practice witchcraft when I have a good purpose to do so - such as making a charm for a friend, cleansing my home, and other such things. Astrology is part of what I do so yes, I like it in the sense that it helps me work or stronger correspondences. As for Pluto....bot really. Pluto is a dwarf planet by scientific standards. In my practice, there isn't much to tie it to outside of a person's sign related to it. It's hard to work with it because of this as all the other planets (substituting earth with the moon here) have ample correspondences.

[CRIMSON] Have you ever broken and bone before? Do you enjoy going to the dentist?

Hell no to both questions. Next!

[AMBER] Do you have a license to drive? If now, how do you get around?

Yes I do! I have a 2007 Volkswagen Jetta Wolfsberg edition. My first car, used it be my dad. I've had it for just about two years now and I keep her in tip top shape as much as a possibly can! Just wish I had a proper garage so I could do my own small repairs and work on her.

[LIME] Do you like monkeys? Do you believe the theory of evolution?

No, I don't really care for monkeys. And from a scientific standpoint, yes I do.

[TANGERINE] How tall are you? Do you ever wish you were taller or shorter?

I am literally just a hair below 5'11" and for a woman my age where I live, that is really tall. I match height with most men I've met. But I do sometimes wish I was shorter just because my height and stature paired with my resting bitch face tend to intimidate or slightly scare people when they first meet me. I often have to explain that, "No, I'm not angry, this is just my normal look when I'm not really feeling any specific emotion. You're fine, I swear. I just look like this." And I'm a gentle giant. Think BFG if you know it. I'm the one who will jump in to protect and be a meat shield for someone else but am unable to raise a hand for my own safety. People being scared of me just makes me feel really damn sad and depressed.

[AZURE] Which gender and sexuality do you most identify with?

Uuuuuuh. Hm. Well- that is kinda a hard question? For gender I think the closest I can relate to is genderfliud. I don't have any body dysphoria but I do know there are times I feel way more masculine than feminine. The reverse is just as equally true. And then there are times where I don't feel like I have a specific gender. Sexuality can make this kind of hard to pin down for me. Put it this way. I am panromantic but I find males sexually arousing much more than I do females. And for those curious (unlikely anyone) I'll go by any pronoun. He, she, it, they/them, I really don't give a fuck.

[BEIGE] What is your favorite pop/soda? Do you enjoy alcohol?

P E P S I. Coke is an abomination, something which my boyfriend heavily disagrees with the heathen... I don't....really like to drink often. Alcoholism kind of runs in the family and due to that, I'm more likely to form a codependency on it as well. My family on my Dad's side is heavily German if that helps make more sense. But I do enjoy sweet wines the very few times I allow myself a glass, no more than two.

[CORAL] What is your favorite Disney movie? Who does it better, Disney or Pixar?

You- you can't just ASK me this!! I grew up on Disney! To pick a favorite would be blasphemous of me!!! Also, if that didn't make it clear, Pixar can suck my sack. Disney for the win.

[SAPPHIRE] Do you wear any jewelry? What do you think looks best on other people?

I wear a silver ring on me right middle finger everyday 24/7 and only take it off during my job or when I'm going into any amount of water. I used to wear earrings as well but I lost my silver pair and I can only wear gold or silver. Yes, I have tried to nail polish trick and hypoallergenic. No, I couldn't get either to work with me. My ears would still puss around the non-pure metal earrings. Now I only wear any of my other earrings when I'm doing something special and never for more than a few hours or so.

[GOLD] What do you consider your biggest achievement? When was the last time you won (at) something?

Ah, achievements, things that

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thatmediocrestreamer · 6 years ago

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Another year almost gone, let's look back!

Welp, another year has gone by in this mortal coil, and I feel as though I've come a long way forward and gone a long way back in the process this year. There are many things I COULD write about on this blog, but for want of not rambling like a loon, I'll attempt this brief sentences thing like on twatter.

Part 1:New year. New girlfriend. New job. New hope? No hope.

Well, first things first, as I rang in 2018, I was seeing a girl who lived a hundred and odd miles up north, in a little town called Blackpool, a seaside town that up to then, I'd loved visiting.

Isn't it sad when people show true colours?

I learned very quickly at the start of 2018 that it only takes a short time for someone to demonstrate what they can truly be like, and the moment I did, boy did things take a sudden nose-dive from there.

The great Christmas bitch-fest of 2017

I'd agreed to spend Christmas of 2017 in Blackpool with the ex and her daughter. That was mistake number one. I'll never abandon family again, especially not when this year, my mum sadly suffered a stroke while I was in Blackpool, leading me to basically feel as though I didn't want to be there at all. The ex actually helped me feel at ease about it all, and comforted me in my time of need, ostensibly reassuring me it'd all be okay, and to her credit, it mostly was.

The wicked psycho witch of the North West.

The now-ex girlfriend from Blackpool was absolutely lovely as a person, right up until her mother came on to the scene.

Now, this was one hella poisonous witch of a woman. One who basically told me that because MY OWN DAUGHTER lives with my ex, her birth mother (a normal thing, no?) that I was not allowed to send her birthday and Christmas money, despite the two falling in a week of one another, purely on the grounds of dating someone else. I’m selfish and unfair for doing that, apparently. This coming from a psychopathic apparent psychologist who’s only marketable skill is causing total ructions with anyone she meets. So that, right there, landed strike one for Team Blackpool.

Apparently, I'm controlling, abusive and manipulative, don't you know?

The next mental alarm bell was set off in the form of me being branded controlling, just for helping said ex, who is rather short in stature, to rearrange her kitchen cupboards so things she needed most frequently were more easily accessible. Again, a perfectly reasonable thing to do, help out someone you care for, you'd think? BUT NO! I got branded as a control freak for this simple gesture of kindness.

So, we're two months in, and it's already two strikes for Team Blackpool, But the best is saved for last.

Christmas at Ground Zero.

The final malaise is more a three-part saga than a termination of ways. So, best to Buckle up.

The Google Home Sex- shopping list Saga

First in the trio of amusing things that led to the breakdown of me and the ex, was her receipt of a Google Home Mini for Christmas. (I'm gonna assume that, because you're on a Tumblr blog, you know what a Google Home is.) So anyway, it's Christmas day, her mum had come round to deliver some of the presents before going home and returning later to do dinner (the one nice thing she actually did the whole time I was there.) The ex had become fixated by the fact she'd received this Google Home Mini, and so we tested it's capabilities to the absolute max, even Going as far as to add sex- toys to a shopping list, along with concrete shoes and other amusing items, just because we both had a sick sense of humour.

Her mum came back and she was literally having not a single bit of it. This resulted in ANOTHER argument over the Christmas dinner table, again instigated by her mum, and again, totally uncalled for. So I proceed to lock myself in the ex's room, playing GTA the rest of Xmas day, to make sure I didn't have to deal with any more of it.

The intervention I neither needed, wanted or asked for.

So, it's Boxing day, a time for happiness, being thankful and general good cheer, but not in that household. So, because I'd decided that the best option to alleviate issues and discourse was to stay in the ex's bedroom on the PlayStation, a strategy that had mostly worked until that point. But not that evening. Her mum decided that the best way to make things better was by inviting her friends round and literally picking me apart downstairs while I listened. She made a passing comment about "he needs to get off his fucking arse and stop playing the computer games and get a job if he wants to support my daughter and my granddaughter." Of course I had none of that, and proceeded to sit at the top of the stairs listening, not appreciating being critiqued by someone who literally knew nothing about me. Then a full blown ruckus ensued downstairs where they demanded I come down before I got dragged down, and had police and my ex's dad threatened on me if I didnt. But what use was it? She wouldn't listen to a single word I said, and even went as far as saying that I ruined HER Christmas! Bitch please, what about mine huh?

The secret friend turned best mate, and the parting of ways.

Before the Christmas period, I had become friendly with a girl called Jen, who, to her credit has now become one of my best friends, and one of my other best friends lives with her as a partner (GG ReaverAF.) All too often though, people have mistaken my kindness for me being flirtatious. To that end, I can sort of see what the ex's point was, as I had asked Jen a few questions about if someone were to take her on a date, what would it be and why? Yeah that could be misconstrued as flirting to the wrong eyes, but nonetheless, that's irrelevant in a way to whats to come.

Things were at this point, not good with me and the ex, with her mum's attitude towards me, and the ex herself being in possession of a selfishness so strong it puts most self-absorbed narcissists to shame (not going into the whys though.) The final nail in Blackpool's coffin came in the form of the ex's overwhelming paranoia about what me and Jen had been discussing, so she waited until I was asleep and physically went through my phone to see it for herself. She found almost nothing of an overly incriminating nature, however still used this as fuel for blabbing to a lot of people, and alongside this, proceeding to wake me up from my reverie the morning I was due to return home to Nottingham, to have a FULL BLOWN argument about it all in front of a TWO YEAR OLD CHILD. As someone with children of my own, however, I was having literally not a peep of it, and so proceeded to pack my belongings, book a taxi and get out of there, not ever looking back on Blackpool again.

Two good things came out of Blackpool though, I gained two friends for life In John and Jen, and I also came away from there having been given a job by John!

Part 2 next week. :)

#anxiety #anxietyanddepressionawareness #abusive ex #controlling #invisibledisabilities #survivor #warrior #gamerswithadhd #livingmydream

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ecofinisher · 4 years ago

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Next Step - RollanxGerda oneshot

I don't know what to do, so I decided to write this as a one-shot :3 As most of you on Instagram see, I have the ultimate obsession with Rollan and Gerda, it nearly kills me at some point :D Nah literally, that one last time I had to spend time watching AMV's I literally had heart issues just from seeing their romance scenes. Even writing this AN here is making me crazy. Okay, here we go.

Additional note: Both characters are 20+

Fic inspired by this image (Actually the colored version, but I can't find the link to it -_- ) and my obsessed brain.

In a restaurant in the inner part of King Harald's kingdom, several couples and some small families sat in there to have dinner served. Major parts of the guests had already received their main menu, including our main characters Gerda and Rollan. Gerda was dressed in her usual clothing which consisted of a light beige skirt, a blouse with emerald-green buttons, and a dark brown sleeveless vest. Rollan came dressed up differently than he usually would, by wearing a fully white shirt and black pants. Both love interests had as their main dish beef stroganoff, mostly it was recognized on Gerda's dish since Rollan seemed to have a higher appetite due to his plate being nearly finished fast.

„It's been almost five months since we've gone out for dinner together," Gerda mentioned. „I've been really enjoying the evening here with you,"

„I'm glad you're liking it so far," Rollan responded, then looked along with his girlfriend at the end of the restaurant, where a woman stood singing and a few other adults were playing on instruments, ensuring a good atmosphere. „I like how the atmosphere here is so calm and sweet. Mostly with their music,"

„That's so far the only restaurant I've seen so far with music accompanying us guests. That's probably another thing why this is a little expensive than the others we know," Commented Gerda. „I almost feel bad to be here," Admitted the blonde, then Rollan placed his hand on Gerda's hand and shook his head. „You don't have to. I made sure we could afford it,"

„Okay, that sounds relieving," Gerda confirmed using her fork to roll up a bit of pasta and take it into her mouth. „How was your week?"

„It was fine," Responded Rollan. „I had to accompany classes on Wednesday and Thursday over the half of the day as they were seeing the palace from the inside and outside. Two of those classes had some class clowns, which wanted to cause a mess and I had to stay on watch for them as well when the teacher wasn't aware of it. On Tuesday I've spent half of the morning taking care of the royal horses so that in the evening we could go out with them for a check-up and be able to continue our task with them the next days. There wasn't anything dangerous or bad, where I and others would have the need to interfere…..and I saw you yesterday on the morning during the ride out, remember?"

„Oh yes, if Freya didn't have mentioned it, I would have missed you," Gerda commented making Rollan chuckle.

„I would have at least greeted you or something. You know that,"

„I do and I enjoy your little visits," The girl admitted taking another bite of her plate slowly finishing her dish. „Talking about visits, my dad's birthday will be in a few weeks and I've been thinking along with Kai to make him a surprise party at Alfida's ship. Kai had some funny ideas for games all could play along to pass the time. Do you think you can come with us to the party?"

„At what time is it?" Questioned Rollan. „I've got a few days, I've been longer at work because of special occasions,"

„7 pm " Replied Gerda. „But if you're not able to come it's alright. My parents haven't seen you quite often and it would be good you three would be able to get to know each other better,"

„I think so far our relationship is fine I believe. Your parents don't treat me bad as Kai used to do once in a while after…...you know…...this with the wishing stone," Rollan whispered making Gerda nod.

„I know, but I'm referring to them knowing you in person more. They only know you through my eyes, not through their own I mean,"

„Okay, I will take a look at my plan and if there's a possibility to exchange a shift I'll do it, so we can go together to your parents,"

„Thank you, I know I could count on you," Gerda said making Rollan smile, then the waiter appeared to take their plates.

„Have you enjoyed your meal so far?" Questioned the waiter earning a nod from the couple.

„It was delicious," Gerda commented.

„The spice of the sauce was excellente. I enjoyed every bite of it,"

„May I offer you two a dessert. On Today's card, we've got Morozhenoe and we've got a variety of toppings for it, which you can choose. Nuts, chocolate, and berries," The waiter explained. „Does any of this please you?"

„The one with the berries sound appealing to me," Commented Gerda making Rollan nod.

„If possible I'd like the one with nuts," Rollan added earning a nod from the waiter and he picked up the used plates and cutlery to move away. Gerda and Rollan glanced together at the band singing, then Gerda sighed at how harmonic the singer was in sync with one cello player, which stood behind her playing the instrument.

„Their voices do really match well with the other," Commented the Spaniard, then moved his hands above the table to reach to Gerda and grabbed it to earn her attention. „Are you looking forward to pass by the stable and take a ride around the kingdom?" Rollan offered making Gerda shrug her shoulders.

„Are you sure you don't need Valiente tomorrow fully rested?" Questioned Gerda.

„Tomorrow I'll be at the castle the entire day again. I may pass in the afternoon again to feed him or to let him walk," Rollan mentioned. „I think Eriksson will be there as well, because of the cleaning duty he has tomorrow and could as well take care of him and the others. I don't know it yet,"

„Okay I'd love to go with you out if it's possible," Gerda responded making Rollan smile. „Where have you planned to walk us?"

„I haven't planned anything. I thought we could decide it during the ride or just let Valiente go on his own,"

„We'll see about that," Gerda replied, then Rollan lied Gerda's hand back down on the table and looked around the restaurant to observe the surroundings, then he pulled his collar a little nervous.

„Dónde está?" Rollan mumbled, then Gerda glimpsed at the man's comment.

„What are you asking?"

„I….uh was wondering where my…...medal of honor went, but it's actually here," Rollan made up making Gerda snicker.

„Why did you even stick your medal on your shirt for our date?" Questioned Gerda. „You don't need to do that, just because of me,"

„It's a habit of me," Rollan confessed. „I like to have them with me,"

„That's fine, I just had the impression you seemed nervous about something,"

„It will get solved, don't worry," Rollan stated earning a nod from the girlfriend. „Hopefully," He said quieter, then Gerda who still heard the rest of Rollan's phrase gazed back at her boyfriend to see him stare at the door, then Gerda moved her chair a little further and grabbed Rollan's hand, then gazed at his face a little worried.

„Rollan, are you hiding something, you don't want to tell me?" Questioned Gerda making Rollan shrug his shoulders.

„Uh just give me five more minutes," Rollan commented with an embarrassed grin, then heard the door getting opened up from the entrance, where a young boy showed up, making Rollan sigh in relief and Gerda smiled at seeing the young boy.

„Who is that boy?" Asked Gerda looking at Rollan, which shrugged his shoulders, then the boy approached their table and took from the inside of his jacket a small book and opened it up to take out a pen with a silver ring attached on the hold.

„Hello…..You're G….Gerda, right?" Questioned the boy making the woman nod.

„Yes," Responded Gerda exchanging looks with her boyfriend, which smiled at the woman warmly. „Who are you?"

„I'm Lars," Responded the boy. „I'm a big fan of you and your brother Kai…...Rollan promised me he would find a way to make me meet you," Explained the kid.

„Oh and that now?" Questioned Gerda looking at Rollan, which rolled his eyes at the kid and back at the blonde and Gerda kept her eyes on the boy, which showed her the book with the pen.

„I just want your autograph, that's all I need," Lars said looking at Rollan, which nodded, then Gerda looked at Rollan, which noticed Gerda's eyes and faked a smile at the girlfriend.

„Uh was it a bad idea to bring him here?" Asked Rollan making Gerda shake her head and grab the pencil to sign her name on it.

„It was fine. I was just surprised," Gerda commented, then placed the pencil back on the book. „There you go, little boy,"

„Thank you very much, Gerda," The boy thanked, then gave Gerda a hug making her and Rollan smile, then the boy dropped the book on the ground in front of Rollan's feet, then the boy took his arms off Gerda and grabbed the book.

„I'm glad I was able to help you out, Lars," Rollan said with a wink, then the boy waved at Rollan and ran away to the exit and Gerda spotted the pen of the boy on the ground, then shrieked along with Rollan.

„Hey Lars, you forgot your pen!" Gerda warned picking the pen up, then saw the boy had left the restaurant, afterward, Gerda sat back on the chair with the pen in her hand. „He may come back to get it,"

„Maybe," Rollan responded a little relieved, then moved his hand at the pen. „Or I will bring it back to him. I know, where he is from," Rollan commented watching Gerda show him the pen, then Rollan reached his hand at the pen and Gerda squinted her eyes and took the pen down to see the ring on the pen.

„Hey for what is this ring on here?" Gerda asked watching Rollan grab the pen.

„You know those are new variants," Rollan commented holding the pen under the table, then tried to remove the ring from it. „You know…..they have a unique way of use," Rollan commented. „Want to know how it works?" Questioned Rollan making Gerda nod.

„Why not?" Responded Gerda, then Rollan got up and stood in front of the blonde and with his left hand closed into a fist and he bends down on his right knee and positions his left leg behind, then placed his hands together and used his right hand to take out the ring from his other fist and held the ring up at the blonde woman.

„Gerda I…..I've been thinking this entire year for the moment I would ask you this question. I didn't know how I should do it or where I should do it and this option occurred to me a few days ago and I thought that's the moment Rollan. You're just chickening it out the entire time out of fear. Just do it, it will go fine. Lars there, he's actually Hansel's son from the theatre. I offered him a bit of money, so he would play as a fanboy and ask you for an autograph, but in reality, we made this up, so I would obtain the ring in a way you wouldn't notice…..or you weren't supposed to notice it," Rollan explained making Gerda smile enchanted at Rollan's explanation, then Rollan smiled a little and noticed Gerda chuckle a little.

„What's your question?"

„Gerda…..after we got together and we began to see each other, I felt like my life finally began to have a meaning for me. You made me feel like the happiest man in this kingdom. I'm certain that our love will hold on for eternity and that we complete each other. I…..you mean the world to me, Gerda. I may not be able to make a lot of money with the job I have to provide us a better life than we have now, but I'm able to do anything to make you happy…...Will you take me as your l...life partner?" Proposed the raven-haired man looking up at Gerda, which had gotten emotional at Rollan's question, and held her hands in front of her face to clean her face. Rollan smiled at Gerda's reaction, then he moved his free hand to Gerda's face to clean tears coming down from her eyes and waited for her to be ready to answer his question. Gerda passed her hand under her eyes again, then she leaped onto Rollan's arms to hug her boyfriend tight, leaning her head beside his neck making him beam and place his arms around her.

„Yes Rollan, yes I do," Gerda responded, then she got off Rollan's arms and held out her hand, so the man would take her hand and place the engagement ring on her ring finger, which consisted of a light-blue stone on the middle of the silver-colored ring. Rollan held Gerda's hand to look at her engagement ring, then rolled his eyes up at her seeing the woman biting her lip, still excited about what had happened, then he opened up his arms at the woman and she got into Rollan's arms again, therefore the duo earned the applause of the guests inside the restaurant which made Rollan feel embarrassed. Gerda felt as well abashed at the people's reaction towards their step and she gazed back at Rollan, which smiled charmed at the woman after that she wrapped her arms up around his neck, locking up her lips with his sealing together their agreement on taking a further step in their relationship.

The End.

#snow queen #snow queen mirrorlands #oneshot #fanfic #fanfiction #ao3 #archive of our own #ecofinisherfanfics #ecofinisher #Снежная королева #снежная королева роллан #снежная королева Герда #герда и роллан

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psi-psina · 8 years ago

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Hi. :) You don't know be but I've been following you for a little while now and since I saw your posts talking about Graves Disease I wanted to ask you about it. I'm a 19 yr old girl, and I was diagnosed with it a few months ago and started on PTU. I wanted to ask, what was your experience with doctors and medication like? You had to have your thyroid removed? I feel worried about how this is supposed to be managed long-term because my doctors can be quite dismissive. If you don't mind. :)

OH MY GOD

DEAR ANON PLEASE HEED THE FOLLOWING LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES

So this is my experience and for the LOVE OF GOD don’t let this happen to you.

I was diagnosed with graves disease at the age of 14, showing symptoms of fatigue, tremors in my hands, exophthalmos and a slight goitre. I was tested for sleep apnea before i was diagnosed. Once diagnosed, my mother took me to a naturopath rather than an endocrinologist (i was a child, i had no control over the situation PLEASE DON’T DO ANYTHING THIS STUPID) 😩. It didn’t go well. I was given a tincture of iodine and various herbs (including licorice :/), which i had to take for about 3 months. it did nothing for me and my symptoms steadily got worse until my mother had to take me back to the doctor. My blood work showed a significant worsening of my condition; my T3 & T4 were both far higher than they had been before.

I was put on Neo-Mercazole which I remained on periodically over the next 9 years. You cannot remain on thyroid suppressants indefinitely due to their nature and bastard side effects (expelling giant blood clots through your nose? horrific), which got gradually worse the longer I had to take them. I don’t know how your doctors are managing your PTU but be vigilant. You NEED to aim at getting in remission. I was monitored closely while taking NM over that first course, and then as my hormone levels returned to normal I was weened off it. I was okay for 2 years, and then relapsed when I was 17. I was put back on NM and monitored until my levels returned to “normal”, then I relapsed again when I was 20.

after this I remained on NM pretty much for the following 3 years, but it’s effectiveness started to wane and many of the diffuse symptoms (especially anxiety, palpitations, insomnia, tremors, goitre, exophthalmos etc) simply weren’t going away even when my blood work showed I was within a supposedly normal hormonal range, and I just slowly went downhill over those 3 years.

this is huge problem with regulating thyroid disorders like this, your hormones are measured only in your blood work but T3 and T4 are heavily protein-bound hormones, meaning it’s presence in your blood IS NOT always consistent with it’s presence in your other tissues, where it is able to accumulate (not indefinitely without detection, but enough to give you symptoms). Suppressants just didn’t work for me long-term. They couldn’t help my thyroid regulate my metabolism over an extended period of time, the thyroxine in my body just kept accumulating. Basically, the moment I relapsed when I was 17, I was fucked. I was not aware of this at the time, obviously. At the time I had absolutely no idea what was going on.

the events at the end of my Final Relapse that led up to my surgery were serendipitous and bizarre. I was travelling to Japan in the October (2013) for a few weeks (which i flat out should not have been doing lmao) and got an appointment with my doc because i needed to fill another script for NM before I left, because i was about to run out. So i went and got the script and then when I went to fill it at the pharmacy, I couldn’t get the NM. There was an international shortage of Neo-Mercazole and I was flying out of the country the literal next day and I couldn’t get any ANYWHERE. PTU was still available but I couldn’t get that with a script for NM either. So I had no medication for most of those three weeks.

When I got home I booked another appointment as soon as I could get one and went back to work. Got another blood test to see what was going on and finally got some PTU. A couple of days later I came down with a cold. My immune system was shot and I was struggling to do things like get out of bed and walk up stairs at this point so I called in sick to work on the monday because felt so ill, and made another doc appt for that afternoon because i needed a medical certificate.

I went in to the doctor expecting to walk out with a med certificate, and asked her about my bloodwork. She opened the bloodwork and looked at it, looked at me, then took my temperature and pulse and immediately called my endocrinologist. My T3 and T4 levels were so high they were not measurable, i was feverish and hazy and my resting heart rate was 160-170 bpm. She told me I needed to go straight to emergency because I was at risk of thyroid storm (at which point I just burst into tears lol) and she called ahead to the hospital to have me admitted immediately, and that was that. I was taken to the hospital and was monitored there for 4 days and given several medications to try to flush some of the excess thyroxine from my body to make it safe enough for them to cut my thyroid out, which happened four weeks later.

So aside from the more diffuse symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, full body tremors, exhaustion, goitre and exophthalmos, I was admitted in emergency with acute symptoms like fever, tachycardia, chest pain, hypertension, muscle weakness, bloody diarrhea, peripheral edema and fuck knows what else. :/ None of these things really abated over the weeks leading up to the surgery, and I honestly can’t describe what it was like to wake up from it almost asymptomatic after dealing with these things for months and years. It was like waking up in a completely different body.

If you’re wondering how I could have let things get that bad, how i didn’t realise just how serious it was, you need to understand. You need to understand how gradually all of this happens, it built up over a period of years, and when you live with a chronic illness for that long you literally just get used to feeling like shit, so if something else shitty starts happening you’re already so tired it hardly even registers. It doesn’t strike you as particularly abnormal because it all becomes normal. That’s the most dangerous thing about it. Not to mention, the sicker you get with Graves, the less capable you are of assessing your own situation; the anxiety and exhaustion and insomnia and horrible hazy brain fog you’re in every single day make it completely impossible to think clearly.

SO THE MORAL OF THIS IS, for the love of God, be careful, and take it seriously. It is extremely serious. I did not take it seriously enough for years because I was young, active and otherwise healthy which gave me a threshold for tolerating it that was far too high. Don’t dismiss your symptoms, don’t let your doctors dismiss your symptoms, ESPECIALLY the mental symptoms. Be aware of all possible and potential symptoms so you can actually recognise them for what they are, along with all the potential side effects of PTU.

Get blood work done EVERY THREE MONTHS. THREE MONTHS, not six, not twelve, every three months. Other thyroid disorders, you might be able to be a bit more chill about, graves you fucking cannot. You cannot.

Read and get as much information about this as you can. Heed how your diet is going to effect this, because like any endocrine disorder, it will.

Elaine Moore is useful. (Read the forums) This is useful. Reading patient forums about people’s experience with it and how they manage it is invaluable, it’s far better than reading blogs that are usually dogmatic and trying to sell you stuff. patient.info is also a good resource for information.

Make sure you have a good GP and ESPECIALLY a good endocrinologist who works WITH you. Most endo’s DO NOT specialise in thyroid disorders, most of them specialise in diabetes and only have a middling knowledge of thyroid issues. It’s absolutely crucial to find an endo who specialises in thyroid disorders. Find one, if you can. Otherwise just crowd source the information yourself, print it and take it to your doctors yourself. Because honestly, the cost of not doing that is just....not worth it.

This isn’t supposed to scare you or anything, it’s a god damn burden but there are plenty of people with Graves who achieve remission or find ways to manage it over long periods of time, it’s a highly individual disease. So I really hope you are able to do that. :) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

#Anonymous

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thaissa1918 · 7 years ago

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Joint Chief's of Staff, Colin Powell and Other High Ranking American Military Officials CONFESS Taking Ambien Sleeping Pills Which Are Linked To Bizarre Sleep Walking Behavior, Including Unconscious Driving of Vehicles and wild Hallucinations Updated 22 Sep 2010, 10:28 Joint Chief's of Staff, Colin Powell and Other High Ranking American Military Officials CONFESS Taking Ambien Sleeping Pills Which Are Linked To Bizarre Sleep Walking Behavior, Including Unconscious Driving of Vehicles and wild Hallucinations Ambien sleeping pills linked to bizarre sleep walking behavior, including unconscious driving of vehicles and wild hallucinations Thursday, June 08, 2006 by: Dani Veracity, citizen journalist Email this article to a friend Printable Version FREE Email Newsletter 0diggsdigg 92Share Share/Save/Bookmark Abdul Rahman Al-Rashed: "So do you use sleeping tablets to organize yourself?" Colin Powell: "Yes. Well, I wouldn't call them that. They're a wonderful medication -- not medication. How would you call it? They're called Ambien, which is very good. You don't use Ambien? Everybody here uses Ambien." -- Nov. 5, 2003 interview with former U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell "Everybody here uses Ambien," former Secretary of State Colin Powell said in a Nov. 5, 2003 interview. Well, maybe not everybody in America uses Ambien, but the figures are astoundingly high: In 2005, 26.5 million prescriptions for Ambien were written in the United States alone, totaling $2.2 billion in sales. Contrary to Powell's 2003 statement, Ambien is a medication -- one with very serious, impairing and sometimes hallucinogenic side effects. With these effects in mind, the fact that 26.5 million Americans -- including major political figures like Powell -- use this powerful drug is alarming indeed. Ambien is a hypnotic drug; it fulfills its purpose by literally hypnotizing the brain to sleep. Biologically speaking, it binds to the brain's GABA (gamma-amino-butyric-acid) receptors, making the neurotransmitter perform its job more effectively. What is GABA's job? Promoting sleep, of course; GABA prevents the brain cells from firing, which causes you to slumber. Unfortunately, in many cases, Ambien's effect on brain chemistry results in much more than a good night's sleep. In 2004, the FDA received 48 "adverse event" reports about the use of Ambien, both with and without the use of other drugs. The phrase "adverse events" falls short of describing the horrifying effects some Ambien users have experienced, and some of these "adverse events" have resulted in nearly insurmountable legal troubles. In the breaking New York Times article, "Some Sleeping Pill Users Range Far Beyond Bed," reporter Stephanie Saul tells the story of a registered nurse who took Ambien before going to sleep one night in January 2003. Sometime after falling asleep, she went out into the Denver winter night wearing only a thin nightshirt, even though the temperature was only 20 degrees. She got into her car, caused an accident, urinated in the middle of the intersection and then got into a violent altercation with the police officers who came to arrest her. In the matter of one night and one sleeping pill, her traffic record went from exemplary to tarnished with a reduced charge of careless driving. Interestingly enough, she says she remembers nothing of what happened during that Ambien-influenced night. This Denver woman is not alone in her experiences. Every day, an increasing number of people are experiencing the strange, sometimes terrifying effects that this common sleeping pill can create. On AskDocWeb.com, a number of everyday people have posted their Ambien experiences: On May 20, 2004, "JW" posted an Ambien-related incident similar to the one experienced by the Denver woman. "I had a major problem. At 10:30pm I took one Ambien 10 mg and went to bed. Apparently, I slept at least one hour before getting up and driving off in my car. I was arrested at 01:59 and placed in jail for DUI at about 07:50 am. I awoke to find I was in jail. I have no memory of getting out of bed and dressing and driving off in my car. Fortunately, all charges were dropped. I will never use the RX, ever again." <<<"Every time I go overseas, I take a prescription for Ambien," said Senator Schoomaker, referring to a prescribed sleeping pill. "I think many of us do that." Then, on Dec. 17, 2005, "Vicki" wrote about her boyfriend, who was not as lucky as "JW" and experienced severe legal consequences as a result of his use of Ambien: "My boyfriend is in jail now with a DUI for "sleep driving" while on Ambien. The first night on the drug that he spent in the house alone, he took the pill, went to bed, awoke, got in his truck, drove two miles down the road and into a parking lot. He bumped into a parked car, was accused of being "drunk," cuffed, beat up and put in jail. To this day, he has no memory of anything before being taised (sic) by the cops. Be careful with Ambien. If you don't stay asleep after taking it, you will do some strange and maybe dangerous things." The incidents detailed above have some serious implications. Frankly, the idea that each night, there are people driving around the streets, doing outrageous things like urinating in public and becoming violent is a bit disconcerting. Then, these people wake up from their Ambien-influenced nights with no memory whatsoever of the events that happened -- even if the night involved getting into car accidents, becoming violent with police officers and getting thrown in jail. In 1995, science-themed horror writer Robin Cook eerily foretold the potentially dangerous side effects of brain chemistry-altering pharmaceuticals in his book Acceptable Risk. In the medical thriller, Cook writes of a group of Harvard-based researchers who develop a new antidepressant drug based on the active ingredients of a fungus found in a historical home located near Salem, Mass. The researchers run phase-one clinical trials on themselves to expedite the development of what they believe will be a groundbreaking pharmaceutical. During the clinical trials, the antidepressant makes the researchers "sleepwalk" each night and take part in feral behavior such as attacking animals and people. In the morning, they remember nothing that they did the night before. Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., who is a colonel in the Air Force Reserve, joined Webb in asking the military doctors to examine more closely the types of drugs being used.Graham said he may also be part of the statistics."I'm supposed to do reserve duty overseas next week, and I've already ordered Ambien. So I feel guilty already. I'm spiking up the numbers." (Below) Though Cook's work is of course fiction, it is based on historical precedent that also applies to the "sleep walking" and "sleep driving" incidents involving Ambien. People taking part in deviant, nighttime behavior that they don't remember in the morning is reminiscent of the "witches" that were persecuted during the Salem Witch Trials of 1692. This is more than a simple coincidence. Based on Linnda Caporael's research, experts now believe that the nighttime deviance of the Salem "witches" was due to ergot poisoning. When the fungus Claviceps purpurea infects rye and other grains, it turns the grain kernels into sclerotia -- which contain potent chemicals, including the lysergic acid from which the hallucinogenic drug LSD is made. Now, what does this have to do with Ambien? Like the Salem "witches," many Ambien users are being legally persecuted for the nighttime behavior they exhibit while under the influence of the hypnotic drug. Instead of being executed, they're being thrown in jail and are then faced with charges of DUI, reckless driving and more. Furthermore, like the sclerotia's lysergic acid component, Ambien is a hallucinogen. Take a look at the following, Dec. 6, 2005 AskDocWeb.com post by "Tammy": "I have only taken Ambien a few times. The last time was about three days ago. My husband got in the shower as I was taking it and when he got out of the shower he came into the den where I was and found me staring at the Christmas tree in horror. I remember thinking the tree was grabbing at me and although I knew it wasn't real it seemed very real. Everything almost looked 3-D to me. When my husband called my name, I turned and looked at him and his face seemed to melt away which freaked me out and I started crying. He got me up and walked me to bed and he practically had to carry me because I could hardly walk. I do enjoy the great sleep I get while taking Ambien but I'm not so sure I can handle the hallucinations." Tammy's story almost sounds like a bad LSD "trip," and as you might imagine, drug abusers worldwide have already recognized Ambien's hallucinogenic qualities. "Drug experience" sites contain many accounts of Ambien hallucinations that are contributed by visitors to the sites. Now, as the FDA and Sanofi-Aventis (the pharmaceutical company that produces Ambien) will surely argue, many of these Ambien abusers combined the sleeping pill with alcohol and other drugs -- combinations that Ambien's label specifically warns against. Given this warning, neither Sanofi-Aventis nor the FDA should be held accountable for Ambien abusers who overdose on the drug or combine it with other substances. However, many Ambien users -- people like Tammy, who have doctor-authorized prescriptions for the drug and who use it in the recommended dosages -- are nevertheless still experiencing hallucinogenic effects. Drug rehabilitation centers worldwide realize that Ambien can cause dangerous side effects, as they have seen and heard accounts of Ambien-induced activities. Narconon of Georgia describes Ambien's effects on the mind and behavior as follows: "A variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes have been reported to occur in association with the use of sedative/ hypnotics. Some of these changes may be characterized by decreased inhibition (e.g., aggressiveness and extroversion that seemed out of character), similar to effects produced by alcohol and other CNS depressants. Other reported behavioral changes have included bizarre behavior, agitation, hallucinations, and depersonalization. Amnesia and other neuropsychiatric symptoms may occur unpredictably. In primarily depressed patients, worsening of depression, including suicidal thinking, has been reported in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics." Unfortunately, the FDA and Safosi-Aventis fail to recognize the seriousness of these effects, and doctors continue to prescribe Ambien with alarming frequency. Former Secretary of State Powell's description of Ambien sums up the popular perception of the hypnotic drug perfectly: "They're a wonderful medication -- not medication. How would you call it? They're called Ambien, which is very good." Unfortunately, this concept of Ambien as "not a medication" but rather some sort of sleep-regulating "non-pill" is misguided. Who wants to live in a nation where "everybody," including the country's most powerful political figures, take hallucinogenic drugs? Note from Mike Adams: "I thought all our politicians were on crack. Turns out it was Ambien." Sources: Al-Rashed, Abdul Rahman. Interview with Former Secretary of State Colin Powell. 5 Nov. 2003. http://www.state.gov Cook, Robin. "Acceptable Risk". New York: Penguin Putnam, 2005. Lewis, Mark, dir. "Secrets of the Dead. Case File: The Witches Curse." 2002. http://www.pbs.org Narconon of Georgia. "Ambien." 2006. http://www.drugsno.com Saul, Stephanie. "Some Sleeping Pill Users Range Far Beyond Bed." New York Times. 8 Mar. 2006. http://www.nytimes.com Č đ Add files Comments Jeremy Paxman Jill Starr Jeremy Paxman Jill Starr Jeremy Paxman Jill Starr Jeremy Paxman Jill Starr Sep 22, 2010 AS someone who has had many experiences on Ambien, it is definitely linked to bizarre behavior and sleep walking as well as behavior adverse to your normal pesonality you can not remember when the drug wears off. No wonder why America is so screwed up lately. This is a dangerous drug for sure! Reply Recent Site Activity|Report Abuse|Print Page|Remove Access|Powered By Google Sites

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Joint Chief's of Staff, Colin Powell and Other High Ranking American Military Officials CONFESS Taking Ambien Sleeping Pills Which Are Linked To Bizarre Sleep Walking Behavior, Including Unconscious Driving of Vehicles and wild Hallucinations Updated 22 Sep 2010, 10:28 Joint Chief's of Staff, Colin Powell and Other High Ranking American Military Officials CONFESS Taking Ambien Sleeping Pills Which Are Linked To Bizarre Sleep Walking Behavior, Including Unconscious Driving of Vehicles and wild Hallucinations

Ambien sleeping pills linked to bizarre sleep walking behavior, including unconscious driving of vehicles and wild hallucinations

Thursday, June 08, 2006 by: Dani Veracity, citizen journalist

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Abdul Rahman Al-Rashed: "So do you use sleeping tablets to organize yourself?"

Colin Powell: "Yes. Well, I wouldn't call them that. They're a wonderful medication -- not medication. How would you call it? They're called Ambien, which is very good. You don't use Ambien? Everybody here uses Ambien."

-- Nov. 5, 2003 interview with former U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell

"Everybody here uses Ambien," former Secretary of State Colin Powell said in a Nov. 5, 2003 interview. Well, maybe not everybody in America uses Ambien, but the figures are astoundingly high: In 2005, 26.5 million prescriptions for Ambien were written in the United States alone, totaling $2.2 billion in sales. Contrary to Powell's 2003 statement, Ambien is a medication -- one with very serious, impairing and sometimes hallucinogenic side effects. With these effects in mind, the fact that 26.5 million Americans -- including major political figures like Powell -- use this powerful drug is alarming indeed.

Ambien is a hypnotic drug; it fulfills its purpose by literally hypnotizing the brain to sleep. Biologically speaking, it binds to the brain's GABA (gamma-amino-butyric-acid) receptors, making the neurotransmitter perform its job more effectively. What is GABA's job? Promoting sleep, of course; GABA prevents the brain cells from firing, which causes you to slumber.

Unfortunately, in many cases, Ambien's effect on brain chemistry results in much more than a good night's sleep. In 2004, the FDA received 48 "adverse event" reports about the use of Ambien, both with and without the use of other drugs. The phrase "adverse events" falls short of describing the horrifying effects some Ambien users have experienced, and some of these "adverse events" have resulted in nearly insurmountable legal troubles.

In the breaking New York Times article, "Some Sleeping Pill Users Range Far Beyond Bed," reporter Stephanie Saul tells the story of a registered nurse who took Ambien before going to sleep one night in January 2003. Sometime after falling asleep, she went out into the Denver winter night wearing only a thin nightshirt, even though the temperature was only 20 degrees. She got into her car, caused an accident, urinated in the middle of the intersection and then got into a violent altercation with the police officers who came to arrest her. In the matter of one night and one sleeping pill, her traffic record went from exemplary to tarnished with a reduced charge of careless driving. Interestingly enough, she says she remembers nothing of what happened during that Ambien-influenced night.

This Denver woman is not alone in her experiences. Every day, an increasing number of people are experiencing the strange, sometimes terrifying effects that this common sleeping pill can create. On AskDocWeb.com, a number of everyday people have posted their Ambien experiences:

On May 20, 2004, "JW" posted an Ambien-related incident similar to the one experienced by the Denver woman. "I had a major problem. At 10:30pm I took one Ambien 10 mg and went to bed. Apparently, I slept at least one hour before getting up and driving off in my car. I was arrested at 01:59 and placed in jail for DUI at about 07:50 am. I awoke to find I was in jail. I have no memory of getting out of bed and dressing and driving off in my car. Fortunately, all charges were dropped. I will never use the RX, ever again."

<<<"Every time I go overseas, I take a prescription for Ambien," said Senator Schoomaker, referring to a prescribed sleeping pill. "I think many of us do that."

Then, on Dec. 17, 2005, "Vicki" wrote about her boyfriend, who was not as lucky as "JW" and experienced severe legal consequences as a result of his use of Ambien: "My boyfriend is in jail now with a DUI for "sleep driving" while on Ambien. The first night on the drug that he spent in the house alone, he took the pill, went to bed, awoke, got in his truck, drove two miles down the road and into a parking lot. He bumped into a parked car, was accused of being "drunk," cuffed, beat up and put in jail. To this day, he has no memory of anything before being taised (sic) by the cops. Be careful with Ambien. If you don't stay asleep after taking it, you will do some strange and maybe dangerous things."

The incidents detailed above have some serious implications. Frankly, the idea that each night, there are people driving around the streets, doing outrageous things like urinating in public and becoming violent is a bit disconcerting. Then, these people wake up from their Ambien-influenced nights with no memory whatsoever of the events that happened -- even if the night involved getting into car accidents, becoming violent with police officers and getting thrown in jail.

In 1995, science-themed horror writer Robin Cook eerily foretold the potentially dangerous side effects of brain chemistry-altering pharmaceuticals in his book Acceptable Risk. In the medical thriller, Cook writes of a group of Harvard-based researchers who develop a new antidepressant drug based on the active ingredients of a fungus found in a historical home located near Salem, Mass. The researchers run phase-one clinical trials on themselves to expedite the development of what they believe will be a groundbreaking pharmaceutical. During the clinical trials, the antidepressant makes the researchers "sleepwalk" each night and take part in feral behavior such as attacking animals and people. In the morning, they remember nothing that they did the night before.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., who is a colonel in the Air Force Reserve, joined Webb in asking the military doctors to examine more closely the types of drugs being used.Graham said he may also be part of the statistics."I'm supposed to do reserve duty overseas next week, and I've already ordered Ambien. So I feel guilty already. I'm spiking up the numbers." (Below)

Though Cook's work is of course fiction, it is based on historical precedent that also applies to the "sleep walking" and "sleep driving" incidents involving Ambien. People taking part in deviant, nighttime behavior that they don't remember in the morning is reminiscent of the "witches" that were persecuted during the Salem Witch Trials of 1692. This is more than a simple coincidence. Based on Linnda Caporael's research, experts now believe that the nighttime deviance of the Salem "witches" was due to ergot poisoning. When the fungus Claviceps purpurea infects rye and other grains, it turns the grain kernels into sclerotia -- which contain potent chemicals, including the lysergic acid from which the hallucinogenic drug LSD is made.

Now, what does this have to do with Ambien? Like the Salem "witches," many Ambien users are being legally persecuted for the nighttime behavior they exhibit while under the influence of the hypnotic drug. Instead of being executed, they're being thrown in jail and are then faced with charges of DUI, reckless driving and more. Furthermore, like the sclerotia's lysergic acid component, Ambien is a hallucinogen.

Take a look at the following, Dec. 6, 2005 AskDocWeb.com post by "Tammy":

"I have only taken Ambien a few times. The last time was about three days ago. My husband got in the shower as I was taking it and when he got out of the shower he came into the den where I was and found me staring at the Christmas tree in horror. I remember thinking the tree was grabbing at me and although I knew it wasn't real it seemed very real. Everything almost looked 3-D to me. When my husband called my name, I turned and looked at him and his face seemed to melt away which freaked me out and I started crying. He got me up and walked me to bed and he practically had to carry me because I could hardly walk. I do enjoy the great sleep I get while taking Ambien but I'm not so sure I can handle the hallucinations."

Tammy's story almost sounds like a bad LSD "trip," and as you might imagine, drug abusers worldwide have already recognized Ambien's hallucinogenic qualities. "Drug experience" sites contain many accounts of Ambien hallucinations that are contributed by visitors to the sites. Now, as the FDA and Sanofi-Aventis (the pharmaceutical company that produces Ambien) will surely argue, many of these Ambien abusers combined the sleeping pill with alcohol and other drugs -- combinations that Ambien's label specifically warns against. Given this warning, neither Sanofi-Aventis nor the FDA should be held accountable for Ambien abusers who overdose on the drug or combine it with other substances. However, many Ambien users -- people like Tammy, who have doctor-authorized prescriptions for the drug and who use it in the recommended dosages -- are nevertheless still experiencing hallucinogenic effects.

Drug rehabilitation centers worldwide realize that Ambien can cause dangerous side effects, as they have seen and heard accounts of Ambien-induced activities. Narconon of Georgia describes Ambien's effects on the mind and behavior as follows:

"A variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes have been reported to occur in association with the use of sedative/ hypnotics. Some of these changes may be characterized by decreased inhibition (e.g., aggressiveness and extroversion that seemed out of character), similar to effects produced by alcohol and other CNS depressants. Other reported behavioral changes have included bizarre behavior, agitation, hallucinations, and depersonalization. Amnesia and other neuropsychiatric symptoms may occur unpredictably. In primarily depressed patients, worsening of depression, including suicidal thinking, has been reported in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics."

Unfortunately, the FDA and Safosi-Aventis fail to recognize the seriousness of these effects, and doctors continue to prescribe Ambien with alarming frequency. Former Secretary of State Powell's description of Ambien sums up the popular perception of the hypnotic drug perfectly: "They're a wonderful medication -- not medication. How would you call it? They're called Ambien, which is very good." Unfortunately, this concept of Ambien as "not a medication" but rather some sort of sleep-regulating "non-pill" is misguided.

Who wants to live in a nation where "everybody," including the country's most powerful political figures, take hallucinogenic drugs?

Note from Mike Adams: "I thought all our politicians were on crack. Turns out it was Ambien."

Sources:

Al-Rashed, Abdul Rahman. Interview with Former Secretary of State Colin Powell. 5 Nov. 2003. http://www.state.gov

Cook, Robin. "Acceptable Risk". New York: Penguin Putnam, 2005.

Lewis, Mark, dir. "Secrets of the Dead. Case File: The Witches Curse." 2002. http://www.pbs.org

Narconon of Georgia. "Ambien." 2006. http://www.drugsno.com

Saul, Stephanie. "Some Sleeping Pill Users Range Far Beyond Bed." New York Times. 8 Mar. 2006. http://www.nytimes.com

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Jeremy Paxman Jill Starr

Sep 22, 2010AS someone who has had many experiences on Ambien, it is definitely linked to bizarre behavior and sleep walking as well as behavior adverse to your normal pesonality you can not remember when the drug wears off.

No wonder why America is so screwed up lately.

This is a dangerous drug for sure!Reply

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