#i have dreams where they accept to talk to me and explain themselves and say sorry and we can both talk it out

[waluijoe]

and when i remember that my soulmate who doesn't want to be friends w me anymore and lowkey admitted theyve hated me for a while and just didn't wanna tell me cause they "selfishly liked talking to me cause at least i was smart and fun to talk to" is still posting abt our travels together as a webcomic online lmfao i wanna kms

[french-unknown]

Hello there... Can I please request a part 2 for the growing old together? With Law, Sabo, Corazon and Mihawk.

𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐓𝐎𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒: law, sabo, rosinante, mihawk 𝐂/𝐖: fluff, hurt 𝐀/𝐍: Hello there! (￣∇￣)ゞ 𝐖/𝐂: 760 +

| m a s t e r l i s t | - | p t . 1 |

𝐋𝐀𝐖

✧ Already, he will be the kind of old man who will grumble until the last day of his life.

✧ Even old, he will love you. Maybe not with as much passion as before but he will love you.

✧ His motto is “You're the one who annoys me the best”

✧ He's the type to grumble in the corner and, if you don't say anything back to him or make fun of him about his habit of muttering under his breath, he will worry. He'll be relieved only if you say something nasty in return.

✧ He will be a big loner in your life as a couple so he will not want children whether they are adopted or not.

✧ If you bring him an animal on the other hand (a black cat, by chance) he will be grumpy at first because it's a flea bag and needs to be taken care of. However, you will notice when your back is turned that he is talking to the cat. Finally, after several months of living together, the cat will become an integral part of your family.

✧ The guest room will be renamed by Bepo’s room.

𝐒𝐀𝐁𝐎

✧ He will be loyalty incarnate.

✧ Every time you have long-distance arguments and he hangs the Den Den Mushi in your face, you will seriously want to slit his throat. He will be like this in old age. Yet, family will always be stronger than anything and he will always come back to you. He will always think that he cares too much about you to let you down for nothing. Even if he refuses to admit that he was wrong.

✧ The question of children will be a thorny point in your life as a couple because he is very afraid of reproducing the pattern he experienced in his family. He will be terrified of seeing his child as an heir or, worse, of ending up with a child with the same personality as his parents or biological brother.

✧ If you have any, Luffy and Ace will be their uncles in the same way that Dadan and Garp will be their grandparents.

✧ Whatever your age, he will be extremely protective of you and will want to keep you as safe as possible.

✧ You will always come before his dreams.

𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄

✧ He will love you more and more throughout his life.

He will first love you enormously when he meets you then he will love you a little more for your loyalty when you are there to help him during his recovery after he was injured by Doflamingo. He will love you a notch higher when you form his ideal family with your second child (the first will forever remain Law). Finally, he will love you to the fullest when you find yourself just the two of you during your last days in a house filled to the brim with photos and memories of his life that he had always dreamed of.

✧ Absolutely ALL of Law's Wanted Posters will be hung with stickers on your fridge. ALL!

✧ After you have your first house all to yourself, you will pray that he doesn't accidentally set it on fire. He will pray with you. Eventually, he will simply stop smoking when he learns that you will have a child at home since he will not want to influence his health.

✧ He will be the type who, even at 80, will serve you breakfast in bed with the food cut into the shape of little hearts.

𝐌𝐈𝐇𝐀𝐖𝐊

✧ Mihawk is a loner who, even if he has the best intentions, will have great difficulty communicating. He will lock himself into a routine where feelings will not have much room to express themselves.

✧ You will end up getting divorced and leaving Kuraigana. He won't try to hold you back or try to explain away your wrongs. From the moment you tell him you want to divorce during dinner, he will simply respond "Okay" before continuing his meal.

✧ It is Perona who will find you and accuse you of the fact that he hasn't left his castle for months. You will then understand that he cares about you despite his acceptance of the separation.

✧ However, even if you both try to give your relationship another chance, it will not work because your needs are too different.

✧ You will settle for a relationship where you will be separated but you will meet up every few years to check in on each other.

✧ Zoro will be quite free but Perona will really have the energy of the child of a divorced couple who is in shared custody.

𝐉𝐎𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 𝐈𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐘 𝐔𝐏𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @iheartamora @bontensh0e @opchara @lys-ada @xomingyu @dozcan123

[myheadphonesareneverloudenough]

Nerdy Prudes Must Die; musical motifs

i have so many thoughts about Nerdy Prudes Must Die and specifically the musical motifs used throughout. so buckle up, i want to talk. (theres a whole breakdown under the cut.)

so, if you didn't know already, Jeff Blim is a musical genius. and in the Hatchetfield universe, theres so many musical motifs that get used in every show. but there's one in particular that i don't know what to call it, but i'm gonna say it's 'the nerds' theme'. it's this one right here;

i've heard some call it Pete's theme, which is wrong. this specific melody is the theme of Pete, Richie, and Ruth's self worth and their inescapable tragedies. when we meet the three friends, it's very obvious that they see themselves at the bottom of the high school food chain. the nerds have accepted that they are worthless and will amount to nothing in school, because that is where society has placed them. it's as simple as Pete's song Cool As I Think I Am. he very literally does not see himself as valuable as the other students. but when that idea shifts from Cool As I Think I Am to Cool As She Thinks I Am, suddenly we have Pete realising his self worth, and the motif shows up;

and right after that, Pete is beat up in a parking lot by Max Jägerman. Pete's own self worth can only go so far when you have people like Max denying it constantly.

so now there's lyrics to this motif, and yes, Pete is the first one to sing it. But that doesn't make it any less Ruth and Richie's.

just like Pete, Richie finds his self worth in the acceptance from others. Once Max is gone and Richie makes friends with the football team, he realises how great it is to be alive. he realises that he deserves to be alive.

when Max comes to kill him, Richie justifies his self worth with the motif that returns for him this time, not Pete;

now they're not his final words, but Richie dies after declaring, "I'm Not A Loser". when he finally gets some self worth, he is murdered and never gets to fulfil that worth.

Ruth's self worth is a little different. she views her worthlessness as unfair. she believes that if she was different, she could be something great. unlike Pete and Richie, Ruth really shows that she has bigger dreams. Ruth wants to be the star of the show. she wishes to be appreciated, and her ungodly horniess can honestly be seen as a metaphor for wanting to be loved. Ruth sings about her self worth in the most Ruth way, with her own number in the BBQ Monologues.

the climax of the song (which Lauren kills, btw) the motif comes back again in the background. This time, it's for Ruth and her self worth;

does the fact that Ruth's version of the motif doesn't include the 'im not a loser' lyrics have to do with Ruth having more belief in herself? that she doesn't need to explain she isn't a loser because she knows she isn't a loser and deserves to have a chance in the spotlight? i sure as hell think so.

but Max kills her immediately after. he stops her from ever living out her big dreams of being a star.

the motif comes back again, obviously, in the reprise of Cool As I Think I Am;

the lyrics change this time around, and Pete sings 'you have to do it', which is him telling Steph that she has to be the one to kill him. despite Pete learning how to have self worth throughout this whole show, he still views himself as expendable. could this be justified with the fact that his two best friends just had their hopes and dreams shattered in death? probably. the point is, at some point during Max's killing spree, the death of his best friends, and the summoning of the Lords in Black, Pete has managed to convince himself that he's worthless again.

now. in the end, it feels like a happy ending due to the nature of The Best of You, but there are still a lot of loose ends to be explored. and on top of all that, the Nerds' motif comes back one last time;

because Grace kept the Black Book and continued to use it, and the Lords in Black are far from fair, i think Pete's torment and tragic narrative is not over by the end of NPMD.

so yeah. Pete, Richie, and Ruth are 'doomed by the narrative', as are most people in Hatchetfield. but these three characters are specifically doomed by their own self worth, and the narrative will never let them truly become their true selves.

and Jeff Blim wrote a banger melody to tell that story.

[inconspicious-random-thoughts]

I get the feeling that Lilith will be a morally grey character at the end of the day. She genuinely lives Lucifer, Charlie, and potentially her people and wants to do right by them. However, I get the impression that Lilith is of the opinion that she's the only one who knows what's best for her loved ones and as such can be something of a control freak towards her family to keep them on the "right" path. We're getting these hints that Lilith may have deliberately kept Charlie and Lucifer from actually getting close to each other (assuming that it was actually Lilith and not Eve playing the part as others have theorized) to prevent Charlie from inheriting her father's "weakness". I also get the feeling that Lilith's manner of raising her daughter may have stunted her emotional growth and prevented her from understanding Sinners on a deeper level, contributing to Charlie's initial inexperience and naivete when pursuing her dreams. Her intentions are good, but her execution is flawed at best.

Hello again my friend,

I get the feeling that Lilith will be a morally grey character at the end of the day.

I agree. She probably the end justify the means type of gal. She may not agree or like the means but willing to sacrifice to achieve the desirable goal for maximal impact for what believe is good.

I'll be fine with her being a grey character. That's when characters are most interesting. Usually this type is my favorite character beside the anti hero or tragic villain.

She genuinely lives Lucifer, Charlie, and potentially her people and wants to do right by them.

I completely believe Lilith 100% love Lucifer and Charlie. I'm going to laugh my ass off when the fans who think she the worst and suddenly she becomes "best mom and wife" because of season 2. But I understand why fans think poorly of her. She is painted pretty terrible right now but I firmly believes its intentional for the fake out that she, in fact, loving. That her absence is her sacrifice to protect those she love. She may not win best mom and wife but I think she is doing her best with whatever circumstance they are in.

She must be warm and loving. Their are so many family portraits (including the pilot) of them being a happy loving family. Lucifer still wears his wedding band after Lilith been gone for years. Charlie still trying to contact her mom for advice. Charlie misses and wants Lilith back. Charlie willingly following her mother footsteps because she believes in her mother's dream that became hers in her own way. These are fond memories and feelings.

Granted these are not proof. It can be a facade, denial and depression. A desperate grasp to pretend the family is better then fine before accepting its not. But I don't think that's the case, its genuine. No one talks ill about Lilith at all in the show. I do find it odd, Lucifer never talked about her but his appearance is brief. I also think he knows exactly where she is and why she's gone. It was a necessity to ensure everyone safety,probably. As Charlie put it "something important" a greater cause. I know she delivered that line in a hopeful manner, to explain her mother absence. But I think its pretty on par. Charlie just been kept out in the dark about it.

I get the impression that Lilith is of the opinion that she's the only one who knows what's best for her loved ones and as such can be something of a control freak towards her family to keep them on the "right" path.

I get that. I can even see the reasoning for Lilith to be so if that's the case. We met Lucifer, oh, he so silly and loveable! Which, I'm sure Lilith adores about him. (me too) But...he not responsible. He pretty much ignores issues hoping they somehow solve themselves. *cough LocksHimselfAwayInHisPalaceMakingDucksForYearsNotDoingAnythingElseOrMakesAttempts cough* It already said that Lilith pretty much had to step up and take the active leading role of their kingdom. I think its safe to say, it also applied to their family.

I assume Lilith was the responsible one. Especially when it came to Charlie. Lilith was the one that kept Charlie somewhat on schedule with feeding, sleeping, bathing, the one that says no, etc. While Lucifer just was the fun parent, and made messes with her and play with her, share dreams and imagine together. Lucifer just being a big kid with a little playmate.

I can also envision why Lucifer and Lilith believe Lilith way of things may be correct. Lucifer was basically outcasted by Heaven for his creations, soon after, sent to Hell for the apple debacle. As far as Lucifer sees, his choices generally seem to be the incorrect one. Then eons, of seeing the worst product of his choices as they steadily fall into Hell. I can understand if he wants to wipe his hands clean and just let Lilith take the reigns of everything.

I can also understand why Lilith could be a control freak. She was made of the same materials as Adam yet instead of being treated as an equal, she was made to be subservient to Adam. I can see why she may want to be in control when she was pushed towards to not have any. Then she gained the role of queen to fulfill. I don't think she power hungry and wants to be in control, but is a product duty but also of fearing to be treated/becoming inferior when she should be equal or superior. But after being in control for so long, its hard to give up. A lesser version of its her way is the only way. She had things running relatively smoothly. She didn't want something to unbalance it. Especially after multiple thousands of years of effort to achieve it.

We're getting these hints that Lilith may have deliberately kept Charlie and Lucifer from actually getting close to each other (assuming that it was actually Lilith and not Eve playing the part as others have theorized) to prevent Charlie from inheriting her father's "weakness".

I honestly view that scene from "More than Anything" so differently from everyone that I'm sure I'm wrong. But my first take from that scene was...Lilith putting Charlie to bed . Charlies little heart and music note dress look like a nightgown to me. She was peeking at Lucifer to possibly say goodnight. Lucifer use his magic to tell a (bedtime) story and Lilith pulled Charlie away because Lucifer got carried away with his story telling and kept Charlie up longer by that.

But in rewatch it does look like Lilith was pulling Charlie away from a depressed Lucifer. Who knows, maybe there's more context to it because we haven't been given it yet. Maybe, just spitballing here without too much thoughts, Lucifer was depressed because he was weighed heavily by threats on Heaven? Anticipated or actually given already. Charlie looked young in the flashback. Maybe, Heaven had just learn, or inevitable will learn about Charlie existence despite the Morningstar best attempts to keep it quiet. Would Charlie be techanly the antichrist? A child of the devil? Does it matter if she a girl. This universe is only inspired not biblically accurate. Heaven, probably not to thrilled if that's the case learning about Lucifer having a child. Perhaps, even surprised he had one...can angels have children?

Maybe, there was a secret prophecy about Charlie and Lucifer was feeling conflicted about everything. Lilith needed to pull Charlie away from Lucifer so Lilith can raise her properly to fulfill it? Stop Heaven? Defeat Roo? Create a whole new balance between all realms? Lucifer afraid of this and wants Charlie no part of this while Lilith treated it as inevitable so she trying to get Charlie ready vs Lucifer denial about everything.

Who knows. I personally still view it as the innocent, Lilith getting Charlie away from daddy who was getting her excited, to bed :D

I also get the feeling that Lilith's manner of raising her daughter may have stunted her emotional growth and prevented her from understanding Sinners on a deeper level, contributing to Charlie's initial inexperience and naivete when pursuing her dreams. Her intentions are good, but her execution is flawed at best.

Charlie definitely been sheltered, but I think that's more Lucifer doing with his distaste of Sinners and their predicament of Hell. Charlie went to school which was only of hellborn I believe. I think Charlie interaction of Sinners was very minimal until she was old enough to be on her own. Lucifer was probably very protective about Charlie. Charlie isn't fortunate enough to be raised in Heaven or Earth...she get to be raised in Hell. One where she royalty and probably considered a target. Charlies social interactions were most likely very limited in general "for her own protection" and the ones she did take part of, was with families that Lucifer trusted.

Sinners to Charlie was probably how one wants to experience a culture that they admire. Something you can't really truely be a part of but want to dive into.

Her mother is consider a Sinner, and she loves her mom. Her mother wanted to do right of her people. Charlie wanted to follow suit. With Charlie minimal interactions of Sinners she probably figured they are all similar to her mother, who she loves. Charlie starting to be on her own, just simply doesn't know how hard life can be for most people.

I think all the Morningstars are like that. They just don't truly grasp how difficult life can be. They are all powerful with little to fear. They are the tippy top of the food chain. Lucifer can poof anything he want to existence. When Lilith was alive, there was no society. Just Adam then later Eve before being cast down to Hell. Lucifer shutting himself away from most of Hell. Mangling with Hellborne...and I assume thats with "high class" so the royalty and high class demonborn.

Lilith probably has a better understanding as she implied to be more charitable with causes and interacted with Sinners. She probably has some idea with talking and taking in the troubles of Hell as an active Queen. But she doesn't have the experience to know how terrible it is. Like someone saying they have a toothache but not understanding how much they hurt.

That's based on a true story btw. I had someone complain about a toothache but I assume it was a dull ache...but constant. As I never had one before and I thought he was being a big baby. Then I realized how incredibly crippling the pain is when I eventually experienced one. Boy, I got humbled when I reflected back at that moment when I dismissed the other pain.

Anyways, I'm rambling per usual. I think hopeful and dreamer Lucifer is responsible for most of Charlies stunted growth but Lilith also had a role. They both shelter her. Charlie just see mostly her parents who just act lovey dovey with each other and typically happy. So, Charlie really had to base society off of them. Lucifer probably trying to overcompensate by damning them to Hell and use his magic to literally sprout puppies and rainbows and sparkles for them. Lilith was probably more of a realist and down to Earth (Hell?) while probably sugarcoating lightly. Lilith has her own dreams but is probably more sensible and reasonable. Pair that with being warm and loving mother is why Charlie usually seeks her missing mother for advice over her father who not missing but absent.

[sweetmariihs2]

I MADE A 🎊FEAST OF FOOLS🎊 INSPIRED PLAYLIST!!

Lmao I don't get nothing to do this. But I think it's fun and I love to share the crazy stuff I make.

I don't know what happened to me, I just decided that I wanted to make an "ambient" playlist inspired by the scene of the Festival Of Fools (tm) in The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. I think it happened when I was practicing my habit of searching for similatiries between my hyperfocuses and the songs I like, and it had enough potential to make a playlist about it. And since Spotify doesn't allows me to add little notes to each one of songs in the playlist, I'M GONNA MAKE THIS HERE ON TUMBLR, BECAUSE I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT

I would also like to point out that the songs are put in order of the events during the whole scene. From the moment Quasimodo arrives at the festival, the party and parade itself, Esmeralda's dance, Quasimodo's humiliation, Esmeralda's "justice" discourse and running from Frollo's guards. Yes I have songs for each one of this events in order that match the lyrics and sometimes even the instrumentals :)

These parts are like, "divided in sections". Idk how to explain it to you, but I do this often, it's like "part 1 of the playlist, followed by the part two, then part three..." it's like dividing the playlist in acts yk

And I thought it was better if I came here to explain each one of the songs instead of just waiting for someone to find the playlist somewhere and discover by themselves

So let me explain the reason why each one of these songs were added in that playlist, specifically (yes i'm autistic how did you found out)

First section of the playlist - Start of the Feast Of Fools!!🎊🎉

That's where I put the "start" of the festival. The court of miracles is included because let's be honest Clopin eats it up every time, and this song has such a strong Topsy Turvy vibe too.

Feast Of Fools - When Quasimodo arrived.

Topsy Turvy- The start of the festival itself.

Court Of Miracles - Because it makes sense, our party goes on

Second section of the playlist - The festival!

I was really excited to talk about this one, Cure For Me it's so Feast Of Fools/Clopin coded idc

Cure For Me - It's a song about self acceptance, being proud of who you are - despite having hateful people out there, it's not your fault, their hearts are bitter, yours shouldn't get too (which really reminds me of the whole topic of the movie, Quasimodo, Esmeralda...) That's the meaning! Now, the visuals and instrumentals just give those jester vibes. I feel like a clown in the best way possible. You should totally search for the visuals, like the music video or just the photoshoot! Aurora (the singer) dresses and dances like a jester, along with misterious masked figures. It just feels like a party in Venice. As you can see, there's two versions of Cure For Me; the first one is the studio one, the second one is acoustic. I decided to add the acoustic because it's inspired by brazillian's bossa nova, it has a choir of people singing, played by real instrumentals, it just sounds more like... someone singing in the streets. I like both versions!

I've Got A Dream - THAT'S SO COURT OF MIRACLES CODED I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SAY IT JUST IS. All those dangerous people reunited and threatening the protagonists of death while singing an upbeat song and showing that deep down they're not so bad just makes perfect sense. (Lmao we're really finding a lot of similarities between HOND and Tangled aren't we?)

Kingdom Dance + Kingdom Celebration - I don't even need to explain but I will for the minority of people who don't get this one. It's the song that plays in Rapunzel's village during a festival, they dance and have fun, and the second song is a similar song that plays at the end of the movie. It was also made by Disney, which makes it better.

Third section of the playlist - The party continues!! They're for immersion lmao

These are a bunch of circus/medieval festival songs I choose to add a bit more of "realism". I didn't just added them randomly, I searched for medieval songs, medieval festival songs, circus music, VINTAGE CIRCUS MUSIC WITHOUT MAKING IT HORROR AND SCARY (it's rare but happens every time lmao), and even inside those playlist, not all of them made up to get here.

I made this part just in case you wanna pretend you're inside the festival bc I know how it feels to enjoy daydreaming and being delulu, I know I know

Fourth section of the playlist - Esmeralda's dance!

Actually not all of these songs are part of the Esmeralda's dance section. I know *the crowd starts to boo

I just feel like they're not really part of the last section. So I'm gonna explain why did I put them in the playlist:

Some Type Of Skin: Aurora often sings about being a sensitive person and wishing the world was kinder, this song is not different. I can't explain exactly why this song reminds me of HOND, there's something in the quotes "however much it feels to bleed, it's only temporary", "we're good people and we both deserve peace" and the happy instrumental that just makes me want to dance and wish for a better world with her. To be honest, it kinda reminds me of Esmeralda! But Idk. It's a bit unrelated, I just wanted an excuse to add this to a HOND playlist. Let's pretend it's just part of the festival.

Giving In To The Love - Once again, this song is about hoping for a better world. BUT, IN THIS CASE, the context and lyrics are a bit different. I already spoke about this in other post I made, but the main topic of this album is how radical religious people sometimes harm more than they help. That post is great, the songs are amazing and they fit so well in the context of HOND, BUT, I'm just focusing on this playlist this time. This song I'm talking about has quotes like "I'm tired of the rules and your corrections... (self-explanatory) I want to live my life, be all of it's pages... (try things, love without being considered sinning, stuff like that) And underline that I am not an angel... (I'm not 100% pure, I'm a human) 'Cause if I'm not pure, I guess that I'm too much! I never know how to keep in, keep in touch... (self-explanatory) If I'll be somebody, I'll never let my skin decide it for me; I never had the world so why change for it? [...] ...Giving Into The Love." The music video is Aurora in a garden with statues that sometimes portray hateful and painful moments, like someone separating a gay couple, for example. At the end of the song the statues come alive and learn that loving, talking, making friends is better than being hateful. They all then go to take a swim in the lake. Yay! That was also a song I just wanted to fit in here. Let's pretend it's also part of the festival, it won't hurt a single fly

NOW THE TIME WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR:

Rythm Of The Tambourine - That's an extra song added in the Hunchback Of Notre Dame musical. The people involved wrote these songs inspired by the ones in the movie, they added new original tracks AND OFFICIAL DELETED DISNEY HOND SONGS to the musical. That's an original track, and it's an extended version of Esmeralda's dance during the song Topsy Turvy, she sings here, and it lasts more. There's like Quasi's, Frollo's and Phoebus' reactions to Esmeralda's dance. It's a musical after all, so... and it's really good!

Artemis - It's one of Aurora's songs again! I never quite understood the meaning of this song though. The song is about the goddess Artemis, and it has a sexy and somehow dangerous and threatening tone to it. She sings in a low tone about decisions someone can make about the goddess (I believe so), since I can't explain you the lyrics, it will be better if I just show it to you.

I just feel like this song is the personification of "fire Esmeralda" to Frollo. I can't explain why. The instrumentals remind me of Venice, there's an accordion in the middle of the song, which somehow still sounds sexy and misterious. If you'll hear to the song, you will know what I mean.

ARE YOU READY FOR THE GRAND FINALE AKA THE BEST PART OF THE PLAYLIST IS FROM HER TO THE END?

FIFTH SECTION OF THE PLAYLIST - QUASIMODO'S HUMILIATION

*eating my own hand* if you know these songs (c'mon guys you're on tumblr) you know that's already great and we're not even in the best part yet (It WILL GET BETTER THAN THAT)

Pity Party: If you're not familiar with Melanie's songs, which is hard to believe if you're someone who grew up in the internet, this song is part of an album called Cry Baby. This album tells us the story of a little girl called Cry Baby, she was bullied and abused throughout her whole life, sometimes based on the singer’s life, and it was a big comfort for this huge outcast group we know on the internet (including myself), often criticizing society in her lyrics. This song specifically is about Cry Baby's birthday, but no one showed up for the party. She organizes the party perfectly and wait for her "friends" to arrive, but they don't which makes her question why, wondering if they're just making a cruel joke, and wondering that maybe if she had took different decisions in the decoration they would have shown up, but at the end she notices that it's because people just don't like her, and this drives her to madness, basically. She sings "It's my part and I'l cry if I want to", while proceeds to cry and destroy the decorations and toys she had scattered around, who she pretended were her friends, but then noticed that they're just... not real people and that she's alone. Reminds you of someone?

When Quasimodo was choosen as the "king of fools", people choose him because he had "the ugliest face in Paris". It was something good, because he was being treated as a king, but it was also bad because it wasn't for good reasons... people were just mocking him. (Lyrics)"Maybe it's a cruel joke on me, whatever, whatever" yes it is a cruel joke. The parallel between them is that they're being delusional and telling themselves that "those people aren't really mean, are they? They like me. It's just that *excuse*". But after sometime they notice that they're just convincing themselves of that, and well, yes... people don't like them indeed. In a day that was supposed to be a party, the best day ever for them. "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to [...] I'm laughing, I'm crying, it feels like I'm dying"

The Contortionist: Melanie again! This song is more about an abusive relationship. Her abuser twists her like she's a contortionist, and that's not being pleasurable to her. The person claims that they love her, in one second they're loving her, in the other their pushing her, pulling her, grabbing her, and twisting her like a contortionists. It vaguely reminds me of that terrible scene, so I added it here.

Show And Tell: YOU'RE NOT MENTALLY READY FOR THIS ONE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO START HELP. THIS ONE IS SO IN CHARACTER THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT INTO WORDS. Do you remember when I mentioned that Melanie had that "Cry Baby" album about a girl with the same name? That girl went to school now and the album is called "K-12"... it's also a story. In this song, the protagonist did something that broke the principal's rules (he's supposed to be interpreted as a political leader or authority figure, this whole album is a metaphor for society) and the principal, an ugly bastard old guy, decided to punish her for that. Inside the context of the album, which is really surrealistic btw, she's turned into a ventriloquist doll to be waved around in front of the whole class (the society, people). In the music video, she's a little doll being controlled by the teacher to dance while all the students watch, laugh and shout, as if her suffering was entertainment to them. The principal knows that, and he doesn't care, because "she deserves this treatment" (she didn't do anything). At the end of the music video she's thrown by te teacher at the public, and they destroy and hurt her, because it is with her suffering that they entertain themselves with, until she's a broken porcelain doll.

The whole song and music video is a metaphor about how the artists are treated nowadays. The methaphor behind being a ventriloquist doll is how people control you to sell you to people, and the people are the students. They watch you close, have fun with your suffering, and they don't care about your boundaries. REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING? HUH? SOMEONE? SOMEONE OUT THERE?? (lmao I thought this would be funny)

The ropes pulling her around, making her "dance" for them while she's clearly unhappy with everything. All of these lyrics. Shut up I'm not okay

Cry Baby: It's the opening song of the album "Cry Baby". Talks about her character, she's crying in front of everyone and they're laughing at her for it, calling her a cry baby, while they don't know and don't give a damn about her kind and soft heart. You get why this matches Quasimodo don't you

Mr Potato Head: Another one of Melanie's songs. This one is not exactly related to the huniliation scene but it fits Quasi's character and I just wanted to add. This song talks about beauty standards, how people are modifiying themselves in an obsessive search for beauty, without realizing that they are erasing their own identity. She says ironically "No one will love you if you're unattractive [...] will a pretty face make it better?"

THIS LAST SONG. OHHHH I HAVE A POST ABOUT IT. YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. PLEASE DO IT. THIS ONE IS ABSURD.

You Keep Me Crawling: That's part of that one Aurora's album about the harm that religion causes sometimes, and this song, You Keep Me Crawling, can be interpreted in two ways: as an abusive relationship, or as someone's experience in christianity. In the first verses, the lyrical self is trying to understand why the "abuser" treats them that way, why do this person makes them feel less, at the same time somehow excusing what this person is doing to them.... "maybe if I forgave you more, or that, I wouldn't be treated that way... maybe you never meant to do that? To make me suffer? That wasn't your intention, right?" and they start to question "but why do I feel less when I'm around you? Why do I feel smaller? Maybe it's because I need to serve someone..." and in the chorus the singer just repeats in a pleading, beautiful and yet deeply saddened way "So you keep me crawling on my knees, Lord you keep me crawling on my knees..."

In the next verse, though, she starts to wonder if that if she act a certain way, this abuser will understand, "If I keep confessing (religious hints) maybe if I'll believe that you never meant for love to hurt for me, maybe you'll feel a bit of sympathy..." and then she starts to noticed that, maybe, this situation can't be fixed... this person can't be fixed... and it reminds me of the scene where Frollo tries to stab Quasimodo, and Quasi finds out that the evils in the world that Frollo spoke about so often were just him. The person that was manipulating and abusing him was Frollo. And in that part of the song Aurora starts to notice that it's the abuser's fault and not hers, "why do I make you feel stronger? Why do you keep hunting like an animal? Maybe it's because you need to own someone..." and she keeps on singing "lord you keep me crawling on my knees", but this time, in a more desperate and heartbreaking way. Her emotions are stronger here. And the song ends with "maybe if I stop believing you will see that giving into love should never hurt for me... giving into love should set me free..." which is clearly a reference to the song I mentioned "Giving Into The Love". "Loving shouldn't hurt, so what you do to me it's not love, it's abuse". It reminds me of Quasimodo and Esmeralda, both in their own ways.

Last section of the playlist - "Justice!"

EHEHEHEHEHEHH THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR *rubs my hands in a villainous way lol*

The Principal - This song is part of the "K-12" album that I mentioned. You remember when I told you that this album was about a school that was a methaphor for society? The principal was made inspired by a real political figure the singer doesn't support, and this song is about the character itself, and his role inside the story. The protagonist, who's singing the song, absolutely hates him, and she's the only one who was brave enough to tell him what she thinks of him in his face, without fear of punishment. All the other students are silenced by him, they're all afraid of saying out loud what they feel in fear of punishment, but she's not. In the song, she grabs a phone and says to him everything she thinks of him. "sneaky, greedy, money-seeking, always peeping, fucking creepy, got it on the down low, so you think you're always sneaky - what If I had told your mother... her son was a cruel mother fucker?"

And she proceedes to sing about his behavior, how he forces people to stay silent and follow him, when everybody thinks the same as her, but they're too afraid to say it out loud. "I've tried to make you listen, but you won't, it's your way, right? Killing kids all day and night [...] you're shooting at the angels while claiming your the good guy" it's like he's hurting the purest beings (angels) while he's claiming himself as the right one there. It's a song about protest, really, you should check it out.

A Soul With No King - Another one of Aurora's songs that has confusing lyrics! The instrumentals really do remind us of a medieval dance, most specifically a witch one, and I'm sure she did this on purpose. The lyrics, though, have some quotes that remind me of Esmeralda, but it's hard to explain exactly. It looks like Aurora is opposing against someone somehow. She starts somehow menacingly with "I know you know me... and you always will... like a man with no wisdom, and a soul with no king." She later continues "I know you fear me" and repeats "nothing will ever change, no gain, no shame; call out my name when you need me again" (we know very well that Frollo hates and loves Esmeralda at the same time, he wants her, and he's afraid of her somehow. But when he wants her and "needs her", he "calls out her name", you know what I mean? Hypocrisy). "If you know who I am, why don't you call my name?", (Are you afraid huh? Are you're afraid of calling my name?)

There are two quotes in this song that particularly catch my attention: "you speak of the devil like he's not your friend, when the world starts to burn give water to men" (you say you hate the devil but you're no better, and the part about the world burning is very ambiguous, but it reminds me of Frollo's actions) and my favorite one: "But if this is what you want, why speak of right and wrong? You still go in for the kill..."

This girl would be white men's nightmare if she was alive during medieval times (just like Esmeralda is Frollo's nightmare probably). You should DEFINITELY check this one too because it's not only the lyrics, but also the instrumentals, they both fit very well with HOND.

The Devil Is Human - OHHHH I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. IT'S 1 AM I'M TIRED I WANT TO SLEEP ARRGGGGH. In this song, Aurora pretends that she's talking to God, but she's actually calling out bad christians for the absurds they force people to swallow. Not only bad christians but also some... well... outdated social norms that are in the bible and they're also harmful to today's society. This one sounds like Esmeralda is talking directly to Frollo too. I want to sleep so I'll stop here but it's really worthy of your time. And I also spoke about this song in that other post I mentioned here, is that the third time I talk about this? I don't know, it's just a good post

Churchyard - This song talks about hate. Someone (a man) is saying hateful words towards the lyric self, saying that she belongs in a churchyard, she should be dead- and that she can walk away but she won't go very far. The lyric self, then, tells us this information very calmly, and sings about knowing that this person is bitter, blinded by the hate in his heart, and she hopes, truly, that one day he'll notice what he's doing and regret his actions. It's a really good song. And that's how we finish the playlist (and the festival), during Esmeralda's persecution.

I made this playlist for funsies!! I make relations to my hyperfocuses and songs all the time, and I want to share, I NEED TO. Now you guys can hear to the playlist and pretend you're in the Feast Of Fools with me lmao

[yanderefairyangel]

I got someone on X who think he is cooking so, if you'll allow me

The video maker mentionned several time Alear doesn't grow, chapter 10 is an instance of Alear failing at being brave as they literaly lost the emblem rings who made them feel braver and is being vulnerable in front of the enemy. They are having an emotional break down and the look in their eyes show the terror they felt upon seeing Sombron turn Marth into a Dark Emblem.

Put if you wanna have several more instances : chapter 1, Alear orders to run away from the Corrupted and are forced to interevene to save Framme and Clanne which they struggles to do as they need Marth's help. Same chapter, when Alear meets Lumera they are frozen in place as more Corrupted approaches and upon seeing a great big white dragon, they are frozen and it's to the point they nearly got blasted by Lumera's lazer. In chapter 2 they express worries over fighting Sombron, talk about how the Corrupted gave them a chill done the spine. When they see Lumera's creation, they mistake them for the Corrupted and scream indicating fear and when Lumera tell them they must be brave upon Alear's request to have "less unsettling ennemies to face" Alear answer by a weak, I understand with the awkward animation. Chapter 3, in th vault, they are paralyzed when Veyle attacks them and got almost killed by it had Lumera not intervened. When Alfred ask for their help, Alear is very reluctant and hesistant before accepting. Chapter 4, when seeing the Corrupted, Alear's initial reaction showed their fear. Still in chapter 4, a Corrupted attacks them by surprise as they are witnessing the scenery and got almost struck by it as they were frozen in place, had Veyle not intervened. In chapter 15, whe Timerra tease them about the Northern Fortress, Alear is visibly scared. Should I quote more ?

And a blatant evidence of character developpement being Alear reacting differently to Lumera's death in chapter 25 compared to chapter 3. You know ? Chapter 25 ? the one that is supposed to parallel with chapter 2

Oh look, it shows you can show something using telling and words !

Contrivance in Engage is limited to the set up for the time loop in chapter 24.

The dream is nonsensical ? are you kidding ? Past Alear in chapter 24 that happens in the past meets the Royals since they fight with current Alear. Past Alear has only two special battle dialogue : with Veyle and their current selfves. With the Royal or any other units, they react like that

Past Alear is a broken individual who is lonely and they want to have the Royals, people who have proven to be always there to support Alear through their reaction in chapter 20 and chapter 22, by their side. Past Alear also admits to envy their future self for being who they are

Past Alear is jealous of their current self, to them, our Alear is what they want to be deeply in their heart, so in that battle Alear view themselves as their future self whom they meet because of time loop. That's why they are dressed in white, with their hair color and eyes being different and the Royals being all here. Another evidence is Sombron's cue

"It's your fate to die here /omae wa koko de horobiru sadame"

It's the exact same line that Past Alear says in chapter 22

"As expected... it is my fate as a Fell dragon to perish here/Yahari ja ryu wa, horobiru sadame"

If you managed to miss that chapter 24 is a time loop supposed to explain how Lumera and Alear met and therefore the dream of the prologue, that's on you. Linkand06 and Aster/ZefirArt on Twitter also made post about this on their main.

... do you still not get why Alear is fighting alone ? It is because when they fought Sombron, even if in that dream they had the Royals with them, as they expressed in chapter 24, they still did it alone. During 1 000 years, Alear had to fight all alone. They had no one. @fayesdiary even made a most where they compared Alear's stats to that of their past self and explained how Past Alear had to become stronger all alone. With no one. So yeah, it does show it pretty well.

You call that "I am gonna help my enemies haha funny ?"

I am not arguing sematics. Zephia never said once what were the actual power of that dragon crystal, we only discovered it in chapter 24 since the characters themselves did it. You can argue we could have guessed it because of the hourglass shape, but she never "dropped the nuke" and it's not arguing semantics. There is a diffference between Zephia explicetley telling Alear and Veyle and the audience about the time crystal and the current situation of the game, being that we discovered the power of the crystal only in chapter 24. And also, when making an analysis of a media, you ARE supposed to argue semantics, that's the basic of lierary analysis. And if you are seriously trying to adequate the Agarthans not using their light javelin on Rhea when they could have because of countless possiblity to Zephia never using something that is hinted that she made to see her parents in the past again... what are you even trying to say ? Bare that reason Zephia had 0 reason to go back in time. 0. She didn't even knew Alear was still alive in chapter 23, that's precisely where she learn that they are alive. And again, time travel and time rewind is different. Using it as she dies would only have Zephia, still dying warn her double of the past Alear is alive for the little time she had left. She resent Sombron for leaving her in the dust and if she can't have her child, she doesn't care about living anymore.

But you would knew that if your bothered reading the game

Zephia's magic is never explained as such. She said and I quote the game that Sombron gave her the power to make adjustements.

She said that she is using her magic as a Mage dragon to control Veyle's dragonic impulse, as tasked by Sombron, she never said "yeah it's a spell that can only do that". Zephia can mind control people as shown by her control over Hortensia. The magic she is using with Veyle is combined with Sombron's power, as she explained in the literal screenshot since Sombron has the power to corrupte people and I mean it in every possible way. In the Xenologue, he uses this power on Rafal to manipulate him. Those two powers combine is what Zephia is using on Veyle and in fact, it's even why Sombron gave her a helmet to make it stronger, that the helmet gets more power for Upgraded Sombron and that in the Bad Ending, Sombron made another one to manipulate Veyle again.

Alright once again : Zephia's death is not to redeem her. Sadly I can't find the @teaveetamer 's post that explained perfectly why, so Ill just explain it : for a villain to be redeemed, they need to do once good action out of a good will. Take Marni, take Rafal as an example for God sake. Zephia helped Alear and Veyle only to piss off Sombron and even lied to them until the end! How is it redeemable ? And her death being said is no evidence when the reason why the death is sad is because the scene is from Zephia's perspective !!! She realized only now that she messed up, she realized only now that she could have had her family if she was less blind. What makes it even more laughable is that even she and Griss says it word for word to cry it out loud !

The difference between a sympathetic or redeemable villain is all about the portrayal. See Goro Akechi, See Rafal. They are both portrayed as the victim in all of this and their crimes is an attempt from them to recover their lost agency. See Hyacinth, who in all supports and dialogue about him is remembered foundly by his daughter. Saying the game is trying to redeem Zephia is like saying the game is trying to redeem Sombron ! also

see how their main victim is basically saying it's too late for her to be forgiven ? Another fun fact, but Veyle's support with Zelestia and Gregory shows she is still traumatized by what Zephia did to her. And Mauvier also have a support with those two : saying that Zelestia and Gregory felt 0 pity hearing Mauvier talk about the sad backstory of Griss and Zephia and instead felt horror upon learning what they did is an understatement.

And don't get me started on how in the Nintendo Life interview the devs said this

"Alear will not abandon someone who is capable of chaning their ways"

Is Zephia able to change her ways ? No. She helped them just to get her revenge on Sombron for letting her.

I can't believe you really said the game never established Sombron as arrogant !!!! Do you even read mate ?! Anyway he already got what he wanted. The power of the rings. And Sombron is someone who doesn't keep things in which he sees no value

Once he absorbed it to become a Great Fell dragon, he got what he wanted : the power to open the portal. He threw them away because they were useless to him. And also BECAUSE HE MURDERED ALEAR WHO IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SUMMON EMBLEMS ! And at the moment Veyle switched back to being mind controlled, so really, our allies where in quiet a danger. Also

Sombron said, and I quote

meaning he presentely is in the process of sealing it. Which means it's not done yet, it just created a disturbance, but he didn't closed it yet. That's why paying attention to semantics is important kids : so that it doesn't gives people the impression you don't know how to read.

says Alear as Sombron is still in the process of closing the portal for good, which he didn't at the end.

What a coincidence ! I just linked you to a post with screenshot of Lumera explaining literaly why she didn't knew, but I guess you and everyone forgot that Lumera only learned at the begining of the chapter that Sombron awake since there was peace of the 1 000 years where Alear took a nap ?

The Veyle is able to make better corrupted plot point exist in chapter 17. Sombron can't because he is weaker due to having being imprisonned for 1 000 year having weaken him. Ivy straight up said he was so weak he couldn't even move, and that's why he needed Veyle to do the dirty work for him in the first place !

The JP indicates that Veyle and Other Veyle speaks differently. Regular Veyle : speaks like a child and use hiragana. Other Veyle : speaks like an arrogant adult and use kanji. JP has different conjuctions and expression and the writers used it to make Veyle look different : compare the two speaking in JP

Hence why Alear says that. Also, regular Veyle has purple eyes, not red. SoOOOOOO. But that said, how a character speaks show their personality. This is why jpn Etie and Eng Etie are different characters : in jpn, Etie speaks like Maribelle, in Eng, she speaks like Sully. Seeing this, Alear's reaction and commentary makes sens because the two Veyle don't speaks in the same way. See Goro Akechia and see Rafal. Speaking differently = different behaviour. If someone you knew were to act completely differently out of a sudden, wouldn't you act like Alear reacted ?

idk I mean Pandreo straigt up state in chapter 25, in his post battle dialogue he never meet Lumera and that the first time he meet her was chapter 25. Dragons are revered in their dragonic forms, as shown through the statues of Lythos Castle, the Brodian Bridge, Gradlon's temple and Destinea cathedral. Also

chapter 5, Zephia wonders when Lumera had the time to have a child. chapter 7, Hortensia screams her surprise that there are 2 Divine dragons. Sombron and Veyle are the last Fell dragon in this world, yet we know Veyle was being worshipped as well solely cause she is a Fell dragon and Mauvier and Zelestia's support tells us that Zephia would have been powerful enough to be revered as a Fell dragon would Sombron not being here. Lumera put them in the Somniel and only let some people meet Alear to protect them since she is scared the followers of Sombron would want to do something to Alear. I mean, we all see how Sombron reacts when he learn Alear is still alive ? right ?

Also

Veyle : "Who are you ?"

Alear : "I am..."

Lumera :" Alear is the heir of the Divine dragon"

Veyle : "Strange... Did Queen Lumera had a child ? I never heard of that"

Lumera :" Only some Royal families and believers are aware... He was asleep for 1 000 years... it was partly to protect him from people such as you... Was Alear's existence unexpected ?"

don't you love it when the manga, for once, follow the same dialogue or same plot point as the game ? I do. I sure do.

Alcryst though that they were bandits because they crossed no one but bandits. It's been established he never meet Alear and that Alfred barely recognized him. As the @teaveetamer explained in the reblogg where she made some additions, Alcryst is 17. Diamant is 25. Diamant said the first time he meet Alear was when he was visiting Lythos as a kid. Alcryst was either a toddler either not born at that time ! And unlike Céline and Alfred who frequently visisted, Diamant came at best one or twice when he was a child ! How do you want Alcryst to know them ? Also, see the manga ? This scene is even funnier cause Alcryst mistakes Alear for a pervert and takes even more time to realize Alear is the Divine dragon, even though he was given a portrait. But hum...

Also, you know that the camera angle clearly indicates that they were at miles away when Alear and Alfred approached.

and please don't tell me you are trying to go "yes but Alear and Alfred are wearing pretty clothes". They were miles away when Alcryst shoot, as indicated by the camera angle of the scene and even then Alcryst is supposed to be in the wrong anyway, he is supposed to be the one making a mistake based on the fact he never met Alear and the fact he didn't recognized Alfred right away because he shoot them when they were miles away, because Alcryst let his protective side get the best of him which lead him to do irrational things. That's why he is introduced that way, this scene takes into account his protective side which is by far his most important character trait. When a character commits a mistake, there is absolutely 0 reason to wonder if they were right to make this mistake since it defeats the very point.

And also

待てど暮らせど、来るのは殆どが化け物。

たまに人間が来ても賊ばかりで。

自衛のため討伐をし続けていたら、あなた方にも威嚇を行ってしまいました。

We waited for you for so long but most of the time, only monsters came. Sometimes we crossed path with humans, but all turned out to be thieves. We had to defend ourselves, so we kept on defeating them but we ended up threatning you as well.

Just though I'd mention it but in the jpn version this aspect is much more obvious.

And anyway, considering the author's remark on Queen Eve it seems more like trying to nitpick every little conflict the story has as if it was a irl scenario where you need to avoid any little mistakes. Well, it's not. We aren't in real life, we are in a story and conflicts are required.

I never handwaved anything saying it's amnesia. Apparently it's not just Engage that gives you reading problem. I said that Alear being ignorant is due to being a Fell dragon. We don't know how much they knew before their amnesia but the way Veyle, Rafal and Nel shows they are ignorant about most thing of the human society explains why Alear, as someone who in the past was isolated and fought for Sombron being the only thing he knew about human and whom in the JPN version of Engage speaks like a little kid using hiragana and only hiragana, they knew no better then a child.

The dream does parralele since I just gave you literal screeshot and proof that it does. Also Lumera, when joining Past Alear ask them "Why are you here all alone ?" if this doesn't meant that Alear was all alone fighting Sombron before Lumera joined them, I don't know what it does. Do you not understand subtext or ?

Weird, I found all of this in the game, in the literal FE wiki page and even in the manga that the mangaka is writing wroking with the writers and having played the game and that is adverstised as expanding on the game.

And Engage's story has it is is at best 7 hour long, not 40 hour long. That's 3H you talking about mate.

And I never bring up 3H once in my debunk, other then to point out that the dreams you call contrivance rely on the exact same strategy as 3H as a whole : different portrayal of one same event.

Also, the video maker admitted she NEVER played any other FE before 3H. As for you idk, but you are acting like a literal sheep, making a video made by someone who quoted the literal inteview where Tei, Yokota and Nakanishi said they wanted to make a simple story saying they were trying to write a "complex story" and who, as I saw scrolling down the comment, commented she didn't knew why they imitated Awakening that she was playing at the moment she made this comment, which is more recent then the video when in the literal interview she quoted they literaly explained why they wanted Engage to be more like Awakening, along with the lines of saying they wanted to write a simple story your entire personality and being very obnoxious, annoying and toxic about it.

And finally

People, say it with me : IT HAS BEEN LIKE THIS FOR THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE !!!!! People even complained that in Tellius, despite being more involved in the plot, you still had support that required a special partner to learn said thing about said character and that it was easy to miss. As for 3H, if you never unlock some support you will never learn that said character is actually deeper then you though.

You are essentially complaining I am saying you need to play and complete a video game in its entierty to make a proper review of it and to understand the story. That's just making you sound like a lazy guy. To understand something, you need to make your braincells works and work to have it. Complainig that a game demands investissement from it's player is the equivalent of complaining that a book asks you to wait for the following one to understand the story as a whole.

And that's it. Sorry for the long post.

If you wanna add some more stuff you think I forgot, go ahead

so now can I go back to drawing ? please ? I have a cute Alear and Veyle fanart I wanna finish

[morgana-ren]

I have sent you a truly embarrassing number of anon asks over the last two months and you have been so creative and kind in every one of your answers. I found your blog and it really means a lot to know that there are other people out there with a similarly f'd up relationship to sex. Makes me feel a bit less like a broken freak. You don't need to respond to this if you don't want to, I just wanted to let you know.

Honestly, I love it. That's the trouble with OCs is there isn't a fandom or like.. somewhere you can turn to when you want to indulge. The entire thing rests on people who know them and are interested in them. If I want to read about Reaver, I can (sorta, anyway, because his fandom is dead and all the stories are mostly long gone) but it's not my Reaver. Ilya and Corvus just have nothing but what me and my friend write. Astarion is currently being dissected by the fandom and it's vastly different than what I'm looking for (even as I love doing that too.)

What I'm saying is I love the questions. It's a lot of fun to think about them and these specific scenarios and I got really lucky that I have people who take an interest. I genuinely want to get to all of the questions at some point, and I'm running through them with love. I genuinely have a lot of fun answering them and I love seeing questions about them. I think it's really cool and fun that people care and enjoy them like we do! It's fantastic to see because sometimes a new hyperfixation or character is a fuckin' lifesaver and I will never turn down making new content when my head isn't working to make it originally.

I've known I was 'busted' since I was really young, and in a way, it's the healthiest thing about me. I've had time to break it down. I recognize where these desires come from, why I feel them, and where they're initially stemming from, and I know it is absolutely not something you put up with irl. I know that me liking people like this isn't some grand statement on me as a whole, but a fantasy that stems out from my experiences. I accept it. I don't feel bad about it or really feel a need to explain it. People can think it's gross or unhealthy or whatever else have you if it makes them feel better, but I am sure of myself and know it doesn't make me a bad person. It just is. It's never something we have to justify. Most people who grill you or are cruel to you have legitimately no idea what they're talking about. I've been a darkfic author for long enough to see the ridiculous fandom wars that arise over dumb shit like this where people sling shit baselessly despite knowing nothing.

I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it because I have seen what people have to say about the matter and like, from a psychological standpoint, they are completely incorrect. I went to school for this. It was my dream career for a long time. Most people just say shit but don't actually understand the processes behind it. They operate on gut instinct and that gut instinct is immediately "Disgust" if they cannot relate. But instead of having compassion and trying to be supportive or trying to understand or just leaving us alone, they lash out because they are physically incapable of putting themselves in our shoes and feel they have 'morality' on their side, and that allows them to act like amoral twats towards other human beings, ironically enough.

It has a way of making us feel broken or bad or just not like a good person. When you're beset on all sides and you know your interests are strange or that something isn't quite healthy, it's easy to fall into that pit. But nothing is ever so simple, especially with the human brain and growing and learning and becoming a person. It hasn't bothered me in a long time and honestly, it is so, so freeing. I'm totally fine with it. I don't feel guilt or shame. It just is. Other people can think it's odd, but I've always been odd. No big shocker there.

Sex is complicated! It can have a remarkable impact on the brain! Humans are fragile while also being incredibly resilient. Sometimes things scar us, and that's okay. Sometimes we develop strange desires. Sometimes we end up with warped ideas. It's normal and okay, and really, there isn't any 100 percent sure fire healthy way to deal with things. For some, it's fantasy. For others, complete abstinence. Some people choose to never unpack it at all. The important thing is knowing your boundaries and the ways you should be treated in real life. Never letting someone hurt you or step on you or disrespect you. Your body and your desires are your own entirely and what others have to say means nothing. They will treat you with respect or you have all rights to completely cut them out and off.

Knowing the difference between fantasy and reality is the biggest thing, and it's a line I see people blurring or incapable of seeing every day and that is legitimately scary. It's important to look at things and understand yourself. Know that it's okay. You're just you, and that's not wrong or broken or disgusting. People have a very hard time understanding other people's perspectives and they really like to make that everyone else's problem. Don't let it get you down.

There's tons of us out there. It isn't nearly as uncommon as they'd have you believe. Hell, it's not even as unhealthy as they'd have you think. It's okay to be okay with it. It's okay to embrace it as long as you are putting boundaries up in your every day life and are good to yourself. That is what is truly important.

Thank you so much and I appreciate every single message you send. I haven't gotten a single inbox I've disliked or didn't find fascinating and they're always a pleasure to answer. Always feel free to send me anything!

[donnerpartyofone]

man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

[sokeanshu]

SERVICE TO OTHERS...

After having multiple students contact me over the last few weeks about a specific action (not by me) and asking me why or how + my personal discussion with other students, I feel that I need to address those questions. The questions themselves are not that important, but my answer to those questions are, and that is the focus of today's lesson.

.

There is a famous quote...

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

– Mahatma Gandhi

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This quote really resonates with me. Anyone who REALLY knows me, knows that I am a giving person that enjoys doing things for others. It is who I am in every aspect of my life: personal, private and professional. My philosophy is simple, I am going to die, and when I die, I DO NOT want the people that are the most important to me, feel like I did NOT do enough for them. I also want all of my students, all over the world, to know that I go out of my way to send personal videos and check in on them, regardless if they are a Hombu student or not. To me, it is those relationships that we have that are the most special.

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The real question is, what happens when you do all you can, and you DO NOT get any recognition for your LOVE or SERVICE? It sucks when you feel you are giving all you can, and you get little to nothing in return... so how do you handle that?

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Those "in the know" got a Kuden lesson from me a few weeks ago called the "PEBBLE THAT RIPPLED THE OCEAN".

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I did make mention of this lesson (the pebble that rippled the ocean) in a group discussion in the Hombu Dojo about a week or so ago, but did NOT explain what it was at that time. The only reason I am mentioning it here, is those that DID receive that lesson, can combine this lesson, to that one. Regardless if you heard that lesson or not, this post and that lesson are both focused on "service to others".

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“Everybody can be great because everybody can serve.”

– Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Anyone who is a giving person knows that there are times where you WILL GIVE and will NOT RECEIVE. That is the truth, even to the ones you love. Although I do not think that those who are in service to others care so much about getting something back, recognition for your efforts and love is more than enough. However, the truth is there are also those that will not even thank you, or recognize you for your service, but will accept it every time you give. So how do you handle that?

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Clearly I can say that the service to others is what you do to feel satisfied and should not worry if you get anything in return, which includes a thank you or some sort of recognition. But in reality we are human, and we do want to know if we are doing a good job and helping. If you keep giving, and you never get a thank you or recognized for you efforts, sooner or later, it feels as though your help does not matter and you are being taken advantage of. So should you stop giving and stop serving and walk away???...

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Some people live a life in a dream state where they always think the grass is greener on the other side and do not stop to appreciate what it is that they have in their life. Some people live a whole life and never wake up to reality.

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See the truth is, every student I have chose me. I have never asked someone to join the dojo. There is a reason reason students started training. We, as people, are all connected in the universe, regardless if some don't want to act like it. This connection we have and vibration we feel is the most important, especially when we are talking about service to others and the connection of energy.

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The truth is, you are only responsible for your happiness. You can give someone the world that does not mean they are going to be gracious and thankful. For me, I do not want to live with regrets. I would hate being on my death bed and think to myself: "I wish I would have done this"... For me, that revolves around service to others. I also would never want to feel sorry over the loss of a loved one because I did not spend time with them, or I did not say thank you, or I did not recognize them for all of their love and support they gave me. I would not be able to live with that. Which is why I live the life that I do.

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Now, there are those who are toxic people in your life that only bring negativity, and it is better for your energy to stay away from them. Remember, you have 2 hands... One to help others, the other to help yourself. Don't place yourself around negative people that do not bring happiness in your life. But this lesson is not about the negative people in your life, this is about the positive people in your life you choose to serve.

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The truth is, we give ourselves to those that we love and care about. Yes, recognition would be nice, but not giving yourself when you know you can, is a worse feeling than not hearing thank-you. Everything you have in your life, you have because you have allowed it. There is a lesson to be learned, and it is up to you to understand that and learn from it.

.

“Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth.”

– Muhammad Ali

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So yes, there are "actions" and "choices" from loved ones, students and those that I care about, that I do not agree with and do not understand why those decisions are made. But those are not my actions, nor was it my choice to do those things. It is my choice to give what I can, help those that I can, and serve those that I can. It is my choice to live my life to be happy and use the martial arts as a vehicle to teach me and guide me on this path... This is why we call this journey ... "THE WAY"...

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The word Samurai (侍) means "one who serves". The word ninja (忍者) means "one who endures, perseveres and overcomes hardships". To me, this is more than just martial arts, or self defense, it is a way of life. A martial artist is not just a martial artist in the dojo. A marital artist is a martial artist all of the time. I will serve others and give myself to the ones that I love. I will endure, persevere and overcome hardships - physically, mentally and emotionally, and I will continue doing what I do, because it is who I am..

[elenavr13]

The New Mission

Engineer Mark x Captain

Warning: None

*Pre-ISWM*

*The space organization you & Mark work for request Mark’s participation for a mission & he brings you along with him.*

Y/N’S POV

           “We need you to design another ship.” One of the two people before me & Mark explain. Mark brought me along for “emotional support” as dubbed by him. Frankly, he doesn’t want to talk to (space organization) ever since they crushed his dreams & lost his hand-designed ship to the vast darkness of space. I don’t blame him but he needs to hear what they have to say nonetheless.

           “One that can take 100,000 colonists to a new planet & start the first colony among the stars,” The second person adds while handing Mark a folder. “Inside are all the details you need.”

           Mark’s eyes narrow at the authority figures before us after flipping through the pages handed to him. “& how do you expect to do this? No planet has been discovered that is as habitable as Earth.” Bitterness clings to his tone. I tug at his sleeve, warning him to be cautious of his words. I know he doesn’t care because he has been upset at them but they have power to royally screw over both Mark’s & my life by firing us. If either of us –or anyone for that matter– has it on their record that they got fired from (space organization), it would be nearly impossible to find another job no matter how skilled you are.

           “That’s where you’re wrong.” Mark & I glance at each other before turning our attention back to the executive leaders, waiting for them to continue. “Before disappearing, the Invincible actually found a planet nearly identical to our own home world. What we need now is a vessel to travel to it.”

           “Okay & the last ship I made vanished. How do you know this one won’t do the same?” Mark makes a great point.

           “We have studied all we can about the Invincible & we have come to the conclusion that there was no malfunction. What happened to the Invincible was simply a freak accident that will not repeat.”

           I whisper to myself. “Completely erasing a ship containing 25 human lives with no explanation is just a freak accident?”

           “Also, you will serve as the head engineer while on the mission.” Mark’s demeanor changes. A small smile curves in his lips & his eyebrows relax.

           “I can go this time?” Mark does that cute smirk as he makes sure he heard them right. They nod. “Do I get to choose my crew mates?” I sigh, knowing where he is going with this.

           “No, we will communicate with the captain about the crew.” Mark’s shoulders fall.

           “Who’s the captain?”

           The two authorities share a look between themselves. “That hasn’t been determined yet. We needed to make sure you would agree to the mission first.”

           A glint sparks in Mark’s eye. He has an idea & that kind of scares me. “I will only agree if Y/n is captain.” He crosses his arms, satisfied with himself.

           “Mark,” I call attention to myself. “You have been given a duty to perform. If I am not needed then I do not need to go. I haven’t’ even captained a mission on my own before, led alone one to colonize a new planet.”

           One of the two individuals addresses me this time. “Y/n, it’s not a bad idea. With all of your past experience & skills you have shown, you are more than qualified for this job. We will take Mark’s suggestion & consider you as an option, if you wish to take on the duties of captain that is.” I look over to my best friend to see him nearly bouncing off the walls. His head giddily nods for me to agree. After all, this is exactly what he wants. He really does act like a child sometimes. Luckily for him, he is cute so I am willing to put up with his spontaneous enthusiasm & lighthearted spirit.

           I accept. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes.” A pair of lips belonging to an excessively elated engineer, whose excitement took control of him, crashes into my own. The moment doesn’t last long as he then thanks the two people for this opportunity. The realization of what Mark just did in front of the managerial individuals makes my cheeks flush red. I kind of expect them to retract their statement as that is unprofessional but it never comes. Instead, my wrist is grabbed by Mark who begins towing me out of the room, eager to get started.

 *This is the first time you & Mark kiss. He did it completely out of excitement, not realizing what he had done until after the fact.*

[findusinaweek]

Everyone should have a therapist who is a nerd.

My therapist has told me "If you can't love yourself in this state right now try to find a fanfic with a character you love who is experiencing a similar state". She has made me read fanfics as homework multiple times. Once because I was spending hours daily beating myself up for being a failure she told me to find a fanfic where a character messes up and isn't mean or down in themselves but just let's it go and tries to do better. I have not quite found one of those yet (Steve Harrington from Stranger Things is the closest but only if he also has therapy and recognizes/accepts he is kind of an idiot).

I also wrote myself a little fanfic with Amanda from Dream Daddy because I needed comfort and my dad sucks but Dadsona is a wonderful father so that kind of fulfilled a need.

I'm working on the whole healing and not hating your inner child and really struggling with it. I know they/he/she (I think of different ages of myself as different genders and I don't want to explain that here) exists in me and I know I mentally cut them off from me. And I've learned that if I can't be nice to myself I can be nice to other characters. Right now I'm stuck on Deimos (AC Odyssey). Deimos also experiences being in a cult as a child and trauma and neglect and a shattered self image. Deimos becomes a monster of a person, one that I think many people in such horrible circumstances could allow themselves to be. So I'm drafting out a minicomic (who knows if I'll make it but its the planning that counts ) where Deimos listens to their inner child. If you can't trust yourself now maybe you can trust the child from when all those hard bits became your truth.

Was in the middle of a crisis where I didn't feel...right. Safe? I can't really explain the details. I know what I have to do to get myself into a better situation but I've been unwillingness to do it. It doesn't feel acceptable or possible. My therapist had the gall to tell me that it's what Brasidas (AC Odyssey/RL historical figure) would want. Uhm excuse me? You don't know what famed deceased Ancient Man and love of my life would want for me? But would the Brasidas I've built in my mind from Assassins' Creed Odyssey and history books and fanfics and so on and so forth want me to live in a constant state of distraught? No. I think it's Plutarch who mentions a story where he gets bit by a mouse and says "there is nothing so little but it may preserve itself" and uh that sustains me sometimes. I think he would expect me to do everything in my power to make my life a safe and free experience.

Also I've talked at length about video games with my therapist and how although they are not always the best coping mechanism they can help fulfill a need. I really like survival games like The Long Dark, where there is nothing supernatural, just the cold and nature to fight against. It allows me to narrow down my brain to the thought of water, food, comfort, safety and sometimes that's helpful in a bout of anxiety. It helps me remember that bigger things will pass. I just need to keep myself fed and watered and safe from the cold. The developers also say not to use it as a survival manual but I have cold urticaria and also I'm forgetful so in the winter sometimes I ask myself if my outfit would keep Mackenzie warm enough and that's how I decide how safe I will be. Self care for Mackenzie is self care for me.

Also Just being told by another adult that it's ok to just allow yourself to enjoy things? Even if they seem silly or childish? It's nice.

She understood what I was talking about when I described how the portrayal of mental health in The Magicians helped me (especially Quentin) and validated my feelings.

It's lovely to not have to censor or change your daily way of speaking when in therapy. If the person understands your slang/what you are talking about when you describe your day to day life it's just very nice.

[samuraisante]

To become myself I am meant to gain maturity of my emotions. Emotion is like the anchor I swing on while my world goes mad. I bury myself under the weight of an eternal and unmovable sadness, protected by sharp sticks of anger. Communicating how I feel in words without going into a panic and/or screaming and wanting to go up in flames, was never the kind of information I had access to. I can't say how I feel the first time, so it gets turned over and over until I completely burst and scream at a small perceived sign of someone being completely oblivious to my hidden suffering. I have what can feel like a phobia of being seen, because I know how people formulate opinions in their mind, all the while sometimes denying even to themselves that they feel that way.

And this I see connected to my overbearing nature by way of emotion. I never realized that people feel they have to walk on eggshells around me, because what I am typically feeling is a fear, inadequacy, loneliness, coming out as judgement, and anger, and disapproval. Even a self hatred bringing me to physically hurt myself, but not enough to need a hospital. It even becomes out of control enough to do this in front of someone close to me, and being afraid what I would do if they weren't there. Luckily, and unluckily, I tend to get to that point mostly when another person is there witnessing me. Because it adds another layer to the complex. There's a moment where I am directed to hurt myself, and then a moment of desperate sadness over this, and then a moment mocking the sadness, from the eyes of the other person or taking that into consideration, and this makes me break. I leave bruises and it's still never enough. Ways that I attempt to understand and then explain this experience gets added to the list of things that makes this inner protector attack. It's funny to call it a protector, but it is, its just coded to attack things like signs of vulnerability and imperfection. Including the humiliation of feeling an emotion and resolving it. The protector tries to fight back against the thing that kills me, but does this by killing me itself, and deciding the only safe place to be is alone, far away from everyone I have known. Maybe this is part of it, but how could I completely erase my desire to be known and accepted by someone, a good friend? Most who want to be good friends have hidden agendas. Sex. And this is also something that I want, naturally. But I know people will blind themselves to get it. So how can I ever be sure that either me or the other person is actually interested in a genuine real companionship? I feel that there comes a block when being with someone. You run into a wall and stop following to road to understand yourself. You become content and comfortable and give up some of your dreams, spend less time alone in deep thought, conversations become repetitive and nothing more, you start to mirror eachother and some of your identity melts away.

That isn't how I want to be, but i do think it is a part of that process you'd have to consciously decide against...I think you can avoid it if you try, but quickly that person you love becomes your favorite place, and other things seem less important, and you create a space that is comfortable for the two of you as a unit, not necessarily apart. When I was younger, I had no love for myself. I didn't care if I lived, but I was afraid of dying, or doing it myself anyway, and of people. My external personality when I did talk to people was mostly based on a hope for someone to fall in love with me, for them to think I am beautiful. I had heavy expectations, and didn't know how to process or handle my own emotions, which felt all consuming every time. I would go up and down, and I was terribly afraid of doing anything that the person I liked wouldn't like. If I was going to open up to someone, it was going to be messy, I was going to probably cry, and so I was terrified of doing exactly what I knew I couldn't avoid doing, as this seemed to be a good reason for them to never want to talk to me again.

Here I was, born misfit. I wanted to be a fraction of what I was. In most ways. But I couldn't even really face this wish very often, because that would mean acknowledging the way that I acted when I started to feel comfortable. I would gravitate towards men because I felt inadequate next to the girls, excluded, forgotten, or they were too judgey and gossipy, that I knew not to trust them, and knew they would only pretend to like me. I started to feel more comfortable around certain men who expressed an interest in me, but because of I suppose the people I was hanging around, this was mostly their inner fantasies and sexual desire speaking. I tried to accept this and contemplate it, even having fun experimenting usually drunk, feeling both happy to talk to someone, and curious about sex, but oblivious to the lack of true connection I was having. I misread situations, got my feelings hurt, and of course had a few more controlling personalities get emotionally attached to the idea of containing me. It seemed I was looking for water in the desert. I had never known a person genuinely and innocently interested in getting to know me. There is always an undertone of "what is this leading to" for them, and just a ball of embarrassment and blushing on my side. They must've been insecure of themselves too, and felt more comfortable with a girl who didn't know any better. Even at 19, I turned beet red and was shaking and sweating with a lump in my throat when my crush came to the house. He didn't like me like that, I found out. I ran to hug him just to hide my face and trembling hands. I was always terrified of people not liking me, and this happened quite a lot. It felt so high stakes, as not even my parents seemed interested in looking me in the eye, my presence didn't make them smile.

I need a lot of time alone. If I were to be with someone, I would need to have a tight grip on myself not to fall down a hole again. I tend to lose myself in people, not because I am obsessed with them as a person but more so that, I see myself unwilling to allow many people into the real world of my mind, and if I am going to have someone near me for a good amount of the time, there are two options. Either I become a mold of myself to fit what feels safe enough to share with them. or I start to talk. And when I start to talk, I start to cry. And they get scared, or repulsed, or annoyed. And I am alone after all, only now carrying regret associated with ever opening up to the chance that someone out there is bound to find me really interesting. I know there is peace over the wall, and heart to heart connection, person to person, impurities bared and accepted as such. Still, I will not leave myself gaping open as I used to, ever again. I am not a token to be won, I am a person. So are they. An equal commitment to honesty and realistic contemplation, and sharing without attacking with emotion. I am getting better at recognizing my patterns and processes in my own mind; there are still things I have yet to discover, and yet to accept. I just don't want to lose myself again. I don't want to put the responsibility of my care on someone else. I don't want it to be so extreme that I can't handle it myself, and only can become a regressed and victimizing version of myself. I need independence from all people, a strong grip on my reality, and a strong spine. I know my softness can coexist with a protective inner strength. For now, I'm building a suit of armor for the small scared animal within me.

Or more like, training her in self defense and tree climbing, and moving her to a safe place to breathe.

[thatbostonbooknerd]

Rose Gold

Chapter Four: Ilithyia

“You’re with the Rising.” 

“The Republic,” she corrects him. Finally, she turns to face him once more, her features softening. “Now, I don’t suppose you know where the food is on this ship? I’m starving and we’ve got a long ride ahead of us.” 

Cassius finds that the Raa and their Krypteia left the food stores untouched. “The good news is, we recently stocked up,” he tells Ilithyia.

She quirks a eyebrow. “Is there bad news to go along with that?” 

He shrugs. “Depends on how picky you are about your culinary options.”

She can’t hold back a soft groan. Wonderful, two months of instant noodles and protein packets. And this after months living among the Raa, with their careful rations. Come to think of it, instant noodles might actually be an improvement. 

Minutes later, they sit in awkward silence at a small, round table. He gulps down the soup, while she eats hers carefully. He finishes before her, staring at the practiced motions in disbelief. Is he always this rude? She doesn’t expect much from men like him, but basic manners are among those few expectations. 

“You’re not at a gorydamn gala on Luna,” he says at last. 

The last of the noodles gone, she carefully sips a spoonful of the broth, pausing to level an icy glare his way. “That is not news to me. Are you always this moody?” 

“I am when I’ve gotten royally fucked in a duel and there’s no stims to take the edge off.” 

She hadn’t even thought to steal some before she freed him. Loathe as she is to apologize, she does anyway, and he softens with a sigh, waving away the apology as though to tell her let’s not talk of it anymore. 

“Do you need help getting back to your bunk?” she asks, but he shakes his head vehemently. 

“No, I can’t be in that room. I need to—” He shakes his head again, unable to finish. She waits patiently, and finally, he explains. “It was his room. I never realized…he’d painted his house sigil across the ceiling. I should have seen it, should have known he spent every night dreaming of getting it back. I suppose he’s doing just that, heading back with the Rim’s army at his back.” 

There’s so much under the surface of those words. He’s talking of the Lune boy, Lysander. She hadn’t paid attention to where she lay him and where she found another bed, exhausted from the escape. Ilithyia’s irritation ebbs, and she says quietly, “I didn’t know that. I’ll switch sleeping quarters with you.” 

He doesn’t protest. She offers her arm, and he accepts; it’s a sign of how much pain he’s in, for a man like him doesn’t take help from a Pink easily. Well, not this sort of help, that is. 

“You don’t like me,” he mumbles as she lays him against the pillows where she had lain her own head the night before. 

“I don’t know you,” she says. It’s easier to avoid the question. 

Unfortunately, even in his pained and exhausted state, he sees right through that. “And yet, you still don’t like me. Why?” 

She could simply walk away without answering. That would probably be the smarter thing to do. But since when has she chosen the smarter thing to do? So she tells him. “Because whether you’re in the Society or the Republic, men like you will never think twice of using girls like me, then tossing us aside like trash and laughing at the whore you discarded. Because men like you will do that even as they fight for the Rising, speaking of breaking chains but never once considering the girls who let themselves be shackled again just to pass along information. They’ll use that information, then they make deals with the men those girls had to degrade themselves before in order to get that information, and the girls are forgotten. Like everything they did meant nothing at all.”

He looks confused. She doesn’t care if he’s confused, or if he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She doesn’t get to be confused. If only she could be so oblivious to what it means to be a Pink, but that’s not a luxury she can have. 

She presses her lips into a thin line. He’s still badly wounded, and he doesn’t need her bitter monologues, so she backtracks. “It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need to like you, I know you tried to do the right thing back there. But the boy made sure that was in vain, so the war is about to get much worse. If you meant what you said to the Raa, then that means that whether or not we like each other, we are on the same side. That far outweighs the question of whether or not I like you, wouldn’t you agree?” 

His brow furrows like a child practicing math for the first time. “I don’t think anyone’s ever told me to go fuck myself in quite that many words before.” 

In spite of herself, she smiles. “Sleep well, Cassius au Bellona. I promise to be nicer to you tomorrow.” 

[tcplnyteens]

Review: We'll Always Have Summer by Jenny Han

We’ll Always Have Summer is the last book in Jenny Han’s The Summer I Turned Pretty trilogy, which was made into a TV series in 2022. I wasn’t even planning on writing a review for the first two books because I didn’t have many strong feelings about them, but that obviously wasn’t the case for the third book.

Belly (short for Isabella), the protagonist, is now in college, but at heart, she’s still the same hopeless romantic who likes summers, swimming, and boys. The first two books saw Belly and her family spend the summer at Cousins Beach with their close family friend Susannah and her two sons Conrad and Jeremiah (Belly’s two main love interests), then fight to save their beach house and childhood memories after Susannah’s death. Those carefree summers at Cousins Beach are a thing of the past now, but Belly has found solace in her newfound relationship with Jeremiah. She attends the fictional Finch University (coincidentally, the same school that Jeremiah attends) and everything is going amazingly… until it isn’t. 

The plot kicks off when Belly and Jeremiah have a falling out because he cheated on her, even though he minimizes the issue and spouts a slew of excuses when Belly confronts him about it. What follows are the two most insane things to ever happen in this drama-filled trilogy: Jeremiah proposes to Belly, and she accepts. (At this point, my mouth was actually hanging open. The entire proposal and thought of marriage came as such a surprise that I didn’t really register what was happening until several chapters later.)

The rest of the book consists of drama, wedding planning, angsty inner monologues about Belly’s lingering feelings for Conrad, and more drama. Belly’s parents try to talk her out of marrying Jeremiah, saying that she should wait until she finishes college, but Belly adamantly refuses. I was hoping this would turn into a book about Belly discovering herself, casting off both Jeremiah and Conrad (both of whom treated her pretty badly in the previous two books), and following her dreams, just like Susannah wanted her to. Unfortunately, it didn’t. Eventually, Belly wins her parents over and her mother has a complete change of heart and starts supporting her in the wedding. However, Jeremiah and Belly’s relationship hits a few snags, and she can’t stop thinking about her feelings for Conrad. By the time she finally realizes that she loves Conrad, it’s the night before the wedding—thankfully, they call it off. 

I don’t often give negative reviews, but I had really high hopes for this book. The previous two were teenage romances through and through, but they also contained some really interesting ideas about friendship, family, siblings, and grief. I actually enjoyed seeing Belly grow in the previous two books. I liked learning about her study in Latin and her passion for swimming. I really hoped the last book would see Belly grow into a strong young woman who is ready to create a place for herself in the world. I get that college kids are often immature and self-centered, but usually they’re more mature than they were in high school. I got more and more annoyed with Belly as the book progressed because she was so caught up in her own feelings that she couldn’t take a step back and see that what she was doing was actually hurting everyone around her, including herself. Honestly, all of the characters in this book were really just the most obnoxious versions of themselves. What happened to the sweet, mature kids in the first book? 

Aside from the questionable character development, the entire premise of this book made me cringe. I became skeptical when the book glossed over the fact that Belly basically chose to go to Finch University just because Jeremiah was there. It was explained that it was a good school and Belly liked it, but it still made me uneasy that a factor in such a huge decision as where to go to college was the fact that her high school boyfriend was there. Even though that was a clear red flag, I brushed it off and read eagerly on. 

Well, the next red flag popped up quickly: Belly deciding to marry Jeremiah. At the age of eighteen, before she can legally drink, barely two years out of high school, not having dated anyone else besides two brothers from the same family. I can see so many problems with this decision, and the fact that neither Belly nor Jeremiah seemed to have put much thought into it made it worse. The brain normally finishes developing and maturing in the mid- to late-twenties, and Belly and Jeremiah are eighteen and nineteen at the time of the proposal. Even I know that it’s not a good idea to make utterly life-changing decisions like marriage before you’re even twenty. And the fact that Jeremiah basically used the proposal as a way to distract Belly from his unfaithfulness just did not sit well with me.

I really, really hoped their parents’ objections would convince Belly and Jeremiah to call off the wedding and do some reflecting and communicating about their relationship. Imagine my utter disappointment when Belly and Jeremian not only didn’t listen to their parents, but somehow managed to convince them to support the wedding. Even by the end of the book, when they call off the wedding, it’s never addressed that the entire thing was just not a good idea. It’s framed as Belly realizing her true feelings for Conrad and letting Jeremiah go, not Belly realizing that getting married to someone when she’s still basically a teenager who hasn’t even finished her education is not cool. In my opinion, things like this—a spontaneous proposal without any real communication—appearing in books targeted at teenagers could create a lot of misconceptions about marriage that end up doing more harm than good. 

Overall, We’ll Always Have Summer is an extremely disappointing end to a series that started off really well. The characters that were so nuanced and complex in the previous two books—especially the first; I really liked the portrayal Conrad and Jeremiah’s relationship—are reduced to two-dimensional versions of themselves. Conrad is the self-sacrificing, brooding hero; Jeremiah is the irresponsible and unstable ex; and Belly is a doormat who doesn’t know how to put herself first. This book especially did Jeremiah dirty, because it often went too far to make him seem undesirable compared to Conrad. The entire premise of the book—the wedding—was also unhealthy. Honestly, if you enjoyed the first two books of this series like me, I would recommend not reading We’ll Always Have Summer. 

~Tania

[transamorousnetwork]

Trans-Attracted Men Come In All Shapes And Sizes

I spoke with many a transgender woman’s dream today. This guy checks all the boxes. Sean (not his real name) recognizes and owns his trans-attraction as super-positive. He’s single (divorced) and never had sex with escorts or prostitutes, trans or otherwise. Sean never watched porn, including transgender porn. He takes care of himself physically, lives in a ski resort town and is active and attractive.

As I said, a transgender woman’s dream as far as I can tell.

Sean doesn’t drink or party and he doesn’t smoke. He prefers hanging out in intimate settings. His family and his ex wife both know about his trans-attraction. The wife even knew before they got married!

But after 10 years of marriage, his wife grew intolerant of his, as he puts it, “non-Alpha male ways”. Sean enjoys women friends over male friends. He wears his emotions on his sleeve so he gets his feelings easily hurt. Sean is sensitive in other words. Over time, these characteristics got on his ex-wife’s nerves, he said. So she used his trans-traction as the reason for leaving him.

Of course when someone blames another for their experience, the real problem always lies with the person doing the blaming. After ten years Sean never cheated on his wife, he says. As I wrote above, she knew about his trans-attraction from the get-go. Sean can’t explain why his wife changed her mind about their marriage after ten years.

Getting on track to self-acceptance

Even so, Sean says the divorce was a blessing. Getting divorced allowed him freedom to consciously explore his trans-attraction, which he just started doing. He knows it won’t go away, he says. He felt this way since he was a child.

During his early exploration, he thought he’d never meet a transgender woman in his ski resort town. It’s full of tourists, he says, and most of those people are mainstream. But after exploring his attraction more deeply, one day, in a grocery store, he spied a transgender woman and her boyfriend shopping. It was a huge shift for him, he said. It convinced him he could enjoy the relationship he really wants. I encouraged Sean to see this rendezvous as a sign of him progressing toward his desire. And the more he accepts all he is, the more such rendezvous he will enjoy.

Meanwhile, discovering The Transamorous Network offered Sean a different perspective. While some think The Transamorous Network the worst thing to come along for transgender women, the network actually helps a lot of people. Including transgender people. It provides uplifting messages for men struggling with themselves. It also encourages transgender women let go of negative stories keeping them from enjoying the love that so often eludes them. That’s why so many trans and trans-attracted people write us in appreciation for our content. It’s also why our clients live increasingly exceptional lives.

Like many men, Sean saw value in our material and contacted me through our free 1:1. “I’m done with vaginas,” he said at some point in our conversation. And he means it.

Happiness and love comes from within

Many trans-attracted men say this. Myself included. It doesn’t mean what some people interpret it to mean.

Being “done with vaginas” means a man finally accepts his attraction to transgender women. It doesn’t mean all such men want pre-op transgender women. But it does signify a recognition of that “je ne sais quoi” I often say transgender women possess. A “something else” that cisgender women don’t have. And I’m not talking about a penis.

So many trans-attracted men try avoiding their natural, wholesome trans-attraction by hiding out in vaginas. Meanwhile, I get to meet guys like Sean. Guys eager to do some self-exploring. Doing so begins a new era in a guy’s life. An era where the guy can accept and eventually come to love all that he brings to the table.

Self-acceptance represents a big part of what makes a person happy. Comparing ourselves to others, or fearing what others think of us, both represent recipes for unhappiness. Caring what others think about us can produce happiness. But that happiness rests on a shaky foundation. Because no one comes here to make other people happy. Our happiness is our job. No one else’s. 

That’s why the best, most stable happiness comes from within. And happy people attract happy love. So a satisfying love life starts with happiness. And happiness best happens through self-acceptance. That’s something trans-attracted men AND transgender women could practice more. And if they do, more will find the love they seek. It’s why all my clients find themselves experiencing increasing happiness, then better love lives.

Thinking of wanting to accept your trans-attraction? Are you trans and tired of meeting men who only want to see you in the shadows? Let’s explore greater self-acceptance and get you ready to meet your match. Start here.

[anyu-blue]

I've been having some vivid dreams again. Many I can explain pretty easily as many of the things I've talked about or seen across media popping in strange, but equally vivid ways.

But the lead to last night's dreams I remember has me all in knots and I'm really not sure where the idea came from, save perhaps my subconscious.

Most of the details have since disappeared, but the main point I took away from it is of what I could be/have been.

In this dream I was secure in my gender and happy to present as such. I was so comfortable and confident that when I least expected it, blessedly, I ran across a man who took interest in me and took the things I say unintentionally in stride. So in stride, in fact, they were a near perfect match for what I would tell someone saying these same things to me (as I try very hard to be a beacon of positivity to match the things my friends and family say about themselves and what they find as their negative traits). Positive, kind, unassuming, almost effortless, and uplifting.

And it wasn't the fake kind I've come to expect and see in my daily life... The comments with the hint of a 'I'm just joking around/have an ulterior motive' mixed in. Comments that SOUND good, but have no genuine feelings behind them...

Of course I gladly and eagerly accepted a date/try. And hope soared.

...

I often have dreams where my emotions are so clear and strong. Happiness being my favorite. Much clearer than in my waking world where everything must be measured so is probably repressed in some way.

I was fighting Yakuza (video game stuff) later in the dream so that was another whole bag of cats and I woke up groggy from that...

But the first part before it evolved... I just...

It was hard waking up and just... Not being comfortable like that. Not being able to accept or see myself as what I was in my dream.

My body was the same, for once, in that dream. Exactly how I look right now... Just dolled up and cute- a lovely skirt, piggy tail buns, a little makeup, flowers had something to do with it all... And still chubby and with all my health problems. Just girly. Accepting of it.

And I'm so confused.

I WANT that. I want that confidence and comfort in what and who I am. But I just don't have it. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.

I'm literally just a hodgepodge of things I find comfortable enough... Depression, laziness, and a desire to be something I'm not and know I will never be underlying everything- every choice I make.

I know I could try to be that. Buy skirts and dresses as the extra bit of $ comes in from my job. Make the effort to be cute and bubbly like that.... But I also know that in the end... I can't force it to last. Something will dig at me and I will become sad and drop the facade. It's happened several times already. I can't even keep my hair dyed black like I prefer it. It's been years now.

I'm just... So tired. Confused. And sad.

I wish it was a choice.

I've made quite a few of my Trans friends uncomfortable when I've mentioned if I could trade them fully functioning parts I absolutely would (I've since stopped saying as such to any Trans person I come across as I now realize for some reason it makes people uncomfortable and is a taboo in the community - I deeply apologize for not understanding, and your feelings are valid all the same!!)... And I realize wishing it was that easy makes many people uncomfortable as well.

These are my feelings though.

And don't get me wrong. I sincerely enjoyed that part of the dreams that held joy for me. I'm happy I had the dream as I love dreaming and having that extra little world in my head free of charge, more or less. I especially love that that me was beautiful and happy and had all her wishes coming true. It warms my heart to have seen an experienced that in the capacity I did.

I'm sad for me because I've long mourned the loss of the dreams/goals I had as totally unrealistic. I want to have direction and stability in my life. Enough not to worry. Love. Family. Acceptance.

I want a different life than I now live. And I'm angry, annoyed, sad, and resigned to the fact that I'm too scared to make major changes I feel I can't upkeep if I try to make them. I know a chunk of it is poor upbringing and trauma- things holding on I can't seem to break free of no matter how much I want to... And another chunk is fear of the unknown... And another chunk is resistance to change inherent in people with my condition.

There are facets to autism and trauma I'm very grateful for and even love- my willingness to be a shield, my kindness, my sense of justice, my care, my contingency plans that are useful.. and there are facets I want to shake like my dependency on comfort and knowing I'm not letting anyone aside from myself down.

I want to stop letting myself down... And yet I can't seem to actually do that without letting at least one other person down.

I've decided I won't transition like I want to because I don't want any more health complications - potential or otherwise - to bother my already annoyed family with. And yet I can't decide to lean into the gender assigned to me because of the extreme discomfort it gives me. The sense of falseness and fear of attack that comes with it. I also don't want to be one of the ones I find absolutely gross (and I'm so sorry I do- it's a really old beaten-into-my-head thing from my upbringing- some people are just so beautiful, and others it's really not their fault. I feel like a gross looking person already because I'm so awkward and I don't want to make it any worse) who stick out like sore thumbs and are attacked for it anyway or regardless of where and who they are.

Idk.. the dream was good. I'm happy it was good. I'm not excited about the existential crisis and sadness it brought me today... But still. I'm glad I had it and got to experience some euphoria that way. My dreams are happy sometimes, and that makes me happy.