#i have been so low & depressed bc starting classes is always hard for me & very draining but i am feeling better today 😊 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years ago

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yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona’s catholic school memories #ilona’s catholic school rants #sorry it’s another tl;dr in the feels post lmao

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minijenn · 4 years ago

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Universe Falls turns 5 years old this week

I was 19 when I started it and still in college, in the throes of depression bc I hated college and wanted out even during the start of my sophomore year. I was homesick and had only a handful of friends bc I was shy as fuck back then and terrified of rejection (and had gone from a small pond back in high school where I was fairly popular to being an absolute nobody in college). I really, really fucking hated it during my freshman year and in particular and begged my dad to let me come home and go to college there instead of thousands of miles away. But for better or worse he made me stick it out even though I was absolutely miserable. But if there was anything that got me through that horrible freshman year it was my discovery of two shows:

Steven Universe and Gravity Falls

I binged SU first, having seen it when it first aired back in 2013 but then got back on the bandwagon for it around the time its first season ended, which was when I became a devout fan. GF was something I discovered through tumblr, I watched it not long after Not What He Seems premiered and fell in love hard and fast. I would spend hours watching and rewatching these episodes, reading fics and fan theories, speculating on what was going to happen next. Never before in my life had I ever discovered two shows that brought be so much joy and comfort until these two came into my life. I loved these characters, felt like they were the friends I knew I was lacking even though they were fictional. But they felt real, they felt alive to me.

So fast forward to August/September 2015. I had just started my sophomore year and so far wasn’t having any better of a time than I had when I was a freshman. I still clung onto GF and SU as new, very exciting episodes were airing for both (that was the month we got the Last Mabelcorn and Catch and Release, for reference’s sake). And then, one night, while I was falling asleep in my cramp dorm room I shared with a roommate I couldn’t stand, the thought occurred to me:

What if you brought these two things you loved so much... together?

It was a random thought, almost insignificant, but in the days that followed, I just couldn’t shake it. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to see these characters interact, the more I wanted to see their plots intertwine, the more I knew I was the one who had to write this since GF and SU crossovers were pretty scarce back then (unlike they are now in the new wave of SUF and GF crossovers that I don’t much care for).

I was in the midst of a writing funk at the time, my ongoing Zelda fics all on hitaus while I began a new year at college. I had more or less lost passion for most of them, with the majority of them except my HW fic receiving low numbers of reviews and feedback (back then I didn’t really know how to promote my fics like I do now). Even so, I started planning on this new project, but not without a bit of hesitation since I’d never really worked with GF or SU characters before. But I began plotting out a chapter list (the original UF chapter list has been lost to the ages, I wrote it in an old homework planner during class), and I had decided that I wanted to try my hand at making this thing a comic. A hand drawn comic. And given that my drawing abilities were... subpar at best, yeaaaaah it wasn’t the best idea....

Still, I got through two parts of UF’s “first chapter” and posted them on here (they’re still up somewhere if you wanna go back and cringe hardcore at my bad old art). Still, it had taken me a loooooong ass time to draw them and even more crazy was the fact that my laptop had crashed during that span of time, leaving me with only my shitty iPad to work with. Frustrated, I decided to forego the stupid comic altogether and write the damn thing as a fanfic, knowing I could get chapters out way faster than I ever would have by drawing it.

So I wrote the prologue and posted it on September 29, 2015. And let’s just say right off the bat people were excited. I’d never seen so many reviews on the first chapter of one of my fics before and those numbers only started to go up the more I posted. I was jazzed up to work on this fic, pushed on by this encouragement as I decided to build my relatively reblogging-heavy blog up around it. Toward the end of the year, when I was nearing the end of arc 1, I decided to get myself a drawing tablet and download Sai so I could begin drawing my own art for the fic, leading to me first passes of character designs and UF’s old fugly cover lol

Still, I kept going with it into 2016, getting through both arcs 2 and 3 as the fic only began to grow more and more with more engagement from its fans. AUs were made, fanfics and fanarts of my fic were created, it was a glorious time to be alive, even going into 2017, 2018, 2019, and now. And all the while I kept at it, coming up with sequel plans, taking breaks every now and then to refresh and recoup, and to give the new pet project I started in 2019 (Keys to the Kingdom) some time to shine. But I’ve still never truly lost passion for UF. It’s something I tend to see through to completion, no matter how long it takes.

Fast forward again and now its 2020. I’m 24 years old and still going strong with it, having just completed RMD, an arc ender that I always hoped would be my magnum opus for this fic (and I’m so incredibly proud of how it turned out). Both GF and SU have ended, their stories both told and their endings inspiring me in so many different ways. And while those stories are over, I still strive to keep these characters, or perhaps, my own unique takes on them, living on to tell new stories, to have new adventures right alongside the canon ones. To keep their flames going in the same spirit and hopefully try to follow, even in some small way, in the footsteps of Rebecca Sugar and Alex Hirsch, two of my absolute heroes in the animation world.

So UF turns 5 this week. It’s half a decade old and it’s nearing its 100th chapter. Its passed the 1 million word mark quite some time ago and I’m sure it’ll pass 2 million before its all said and done. It’s accumulated thousands of reviews, hundreds of followers/favorites, plenty of incredible fan interactions across the board. It’s 9th arc is about to begin, leading the way into 2 more before its all said and done. And from there it’ll only grow when I eventually write UF2 and UFF sometime way down the line. All things I could have never imagined doing as a lonely college sophomore back in 2015 when I was just starting this fun little experiment off. But as for where we are with it no, well, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So here we are in the future. And, well, for UF at least, I’d say it’s pretty bright.

#i would have drawn something to accompany this post but ehhhh im busy #anyway ignore me im all emotional rn #my baby is technically old enough to start kindergarten #lol #jen writes #universe falls

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honeypressed · 5 years ago

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fools

Genre: fluff, minor angst??

Pairings: jaehyun (nct) x female reader

Word count: 6k

Warnings: N/A

Notes: this is for @solilogyu bc i need to make her realise that she eventually needs to accept her Feelings for a certain valentines boy + i also realise its way past valentines but hey what can u do + i have no fucking idea about bowling. i had to wikihow. please dont hurt me i hope you can enjoy this and cait i hope you scream <3

“I don’t think she likes me.”

It takes a while for anyone to respond to Jaehyun’s somewhat depressing statement, because half of them are engaged in shouting at each other while playing PUBG, and the other half are trying to do their homework. It is Yuta who responds first, bless him.

“Who? Who are we talking about exactly?”

Jaehyun takes back his words, that bastard. “You know who I’m talking about!” Jaehyun groans, rubbing his palms over his face and slumping back in his chair, homework long forgotten in front of him.

Yuta flicks a bit of eraser shavings at him, just to annoy him a little bit more. “And you can just ask her out to find out if she actually likes you or not, idiot,” Yuta says as-a-matter-of-factly, like Jaehyun’s dignity doesn’t rest on the fact that he cannot ask her out just like that.

“I can’t do that!” Jaehyun cries, frustrated and he swears he’s going to tear his hair out first before it falls out anyway because he’s just bleached it for the fifth time in three months.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck pipes up from where he’s sprawled on the floor with Jaemin laying half on top of him, “hyung can’t ask her out because being rejected will damage his frat boy ego. Can’t let anyone know that our dear fuckboy – oops, hyung, was rejected, right?” There’s a mischievous grin on his face because he knows he won’t get into trouble.

“Dong-hyuck!” Jaehyun says, but there’s not one bite in his voice and he grabs his pen just to fiddle with it, spinning it repeatedly.

“Stop that, you’re going to flick it into someone’s face,” Taeyong says sternly, then softens when Jaehyun stops it and starts to bounce his leg instead. “Listen, Jaehyun-ah. If she matters so much to you, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you, or what she thinks of you. She will always be someone precious to you, one way or another.”

“Just take a chance, hyung,” Donghyuck adds, right after he’d sworn at the top of his voice loudly because Jaemin had team-killed him. “You’re gonna regret it so much more if you never asked her out.”

“She doesn’t like me,” Jaehyun repeats, and he knows that’s the truth. There may have been rumours that she liked him, and from the way her friends giggled and looked at him when they walked past, it had given him enough hope that maybe, perhaps, she liked him back just as he did… and yet.

Yet, she never gave him any hope. In the only class that they shared together, she never talked to him unless they were made to have a discussion or were grouped up for projects. And when she did talk to him, it was always polite, no trace of blush on her cheeks, just her calm, steady voice making this economics nonsense make sense to him.

It was not possible. She could not like him back.

That would be too much to hope for, and Jaehyun might be reckless but he isn’t a fool. And somehow, in some ways, he is also a fool – to fall for her steady voice and bright eyes and soft hair and softer smile and –

He is a fool.

As much of a frat boy that Jaehyun looks like, all his friends know he’s secretly a romantic, notwithstanding Valentine’s birthday at all. Which is why, against all of his hope and logic, he decides he should write her a letter. Anonymously, of course, which all his friends protest hotly against.

“How will she know if you write it anonymously?” Johnny asks incredulously, and they’re bickering in whispers even though the common room is full of people chattering loudly.

“I just want to gauge her reaction!” Jaehyun hisses, and his eyes dart around the world, flitting from one person to the next and hoping neither she nor any of her ten thousand friends are in the room. Why does she have so many friends? That always have to be around her in a gaggle? Jaehyun is tired of flushing to the tips of his ears when he walks past, and they start giggling. (it’s just unnerving, he insists; johnny tells anyone with half an ear to spare that he’s shy.)

“And I gauge that you are an idiot,” Johnny concludes, calmly and then says in a much louder voice, “The Valentine’s Box is just there, Jaehyun! Why don’t you post your letter?”

Jaehyun has half a mind to tackle Johnny to the ground; the other half is contemplating how hard it could be to sink into the carpet and never rise again. Johnny’s words had attracted some curious glances, and then they settled to watch him, interested.

“Wow, thanks,” Jaehyun deadpans, but he walks up to the box and drops his letter in before he books it to the door with Johnny in tow.

“That was the worst thing I’ve ever done,” Jaehyun starts to bemoan, “the worst thing. I’m so bad at this, I’ll just never move on from her and then I’ll live out the rest of my life being alone –“

“Oh, hello.”

Jaehyun comes to a screeching halt, just inches away from – her. She’s put her hair down today and – it’s silver. When did she bleach and dye her hair? He can already feel his ears start to become hot, and he wills himself to calm down.

“Hi,” Jaehyun says, and his voice cracks on the single syllable.

She laughs a little, just the tiniest little thing that Jaehyun wants to hear again and again. “How was the econs test? I didn’t expect the 25 mark question to be so vague.”

Economics? What the fuck is that? Jaehyun can hardly say hi, let alone try to make his brain think about economics and free trade agreements and transfer pricing.

“Oh, yeah, yeah it was. So vague. I just – scribbled something down. I think I talked about the transnational corporations at one point? I’m not sure, I don’t think I’ll do well,” Jaehyun says, managing to not stumble over his words and feeling so awkward with his hands because he doesn’t know where to put them.

“I did too! I wasn’t sure if that was the correct choice, but I didn’t know what else to write… oh, did you post something into the box?” She asks suddenly, and Jaehyun’s heartbeat goes from slightly above average to notching at one hundred in two seconds.

“Um – yeah. Yes. I did. Just – yeah. I did.”

She doesn’t seem to take notice of his flustered state, but Johnny is making stupid expressions at him behind her and Jaehyun swears to the highest powers out there that he’s going to bury Johnny and his six-foot ass into the ground later.

“Hmm, I think I should as well. If the school’s popular guy sent a lucky girl something then perhaps, we should all join in, right?”

Jaehyun’s words dry in his throat. “What… popular?”

She snorts and pats his arm – a little condescendingly, Jaehyun would say. “Yes, popular, you frat boy. Now I think we have to move, we’re blocking people.” For a moment, her hand lingers on his arm and the warmth bleeds through his shirt and it’s like all his nerve endings suddenly concentrate in that part of his body only. And then – she smiles.

It’s like nothing Jaehyun’s ever seen before. Her eyes crinkle up sweetly, and her cheeks bunch up and someone accidentally switches on more lights in the room and they bathe her in white light, and it reflects against the silver of her hair. She cannot be from this world, and Jaehyun is hallucinating.

Pretty, Jaehyun’s mind helpfully supplies. So, so pretty.

“Well, I’ll see you around,” She says, and then her hand leaves his arm and the lights are dimmed again and all he’s left with is the glint of her silver hair making its way through the common room to a corner where all her friends have clustered.

“Wow,” Johnny says, wolfish smile, and Jaehyun punches him in the arm for good measure. He can’t pretend like he’s not flustered, but he’s also happy because that was the only time they had ever interacted outside classes, and if half an hour later, he can still feel warm where she touched him… that’s only for him to know.

“19 years old!” Sicheng says cheekily, sidling up to Jaehyun on the morning of Valentine’s day as Jaehyun is sorting through the books in his locker. “How does it feel to be old?” Sicheng’s acting like he isn’t the same age, turning nineteen in October, but Jaehyun overlooks it because one, Sicheng is cute and two, everyone loves Sicheng. It’s just the rules.

“You mean, how does it feel to be pining over someone for 6 months?” Johnny sings, and slowly, the hallway starts filling up with students, all chattering in low tones about their day, or if they had bought roses or sent a letter. It only makes Jaehyun remember he’s sent her a letter.

Jaehyun glares at him. “It’s my birthday. You have to be nice to me, that’s the law.”

Johnny rolls his eyes, then hands him a small, wrapped box. “Whatever. Happy birthday, Jaehyun-ah. You’ll get the dozen of roses I bought for you later,” He adds, winking cheesily, and Jaehyun pretends to balk.

“What, one for every year we’ve known each other?” Jaehyun asks dryly.

“Oh, here’s mine too!” Sicheng says, and rummages around in his bag before producing a soft, wrapped parcel with a note attached to it.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says, and reaches over to hug Sicheng. Johnny makes an outraged sound, and starts going off on a spiel about how Jaehyun never appreciates anything and I spent so long picking out this present and I don’t even get a simple thank you! and it’s all really so entertaining but then a steady, familiar voice cuts through the dramatic of Johnny’s monologue.

“Am I interrupting something?” The voice asks, amused, and Jaehyun thinks both his brain and heart stops for a second.

“Oh, not at all,” Johnny says, quick to react.

“Nothing at all,” Sicheng adds, very helpfully. “In fact, Johnny-hyung and I were going to get coffee! Right?”

Johnny nods enthusiastically. “Absolutely. Now, if you will excuse us, we have some very important business to attend to.” He offers the crook of his arm very seriously to Sicheng, who accepts it and then they go off into the hallway and the turn to the vending machines so that Jaehyun is left – with her.

“I see you’ve already got Valentine’s gifts,” She says, smiling a little as she spots the two packaged in his hands.

“Ah, this – it’s just presents, from my friends,” Jaehyun explains hastily. “I… don’t think anyone got me Valentine’s gifts, anyway. Or if they do, they say that it’s a present. It’s kind of a shitty move, isn’t it?” He remarks, a little hollow because he can reject Valentine’s Day presents all right but to reject what someone he doesn’t know insists is a birthday gift… Jaehyun doesn’t want to be guilt-tripped into accepting something.

And all of a sudden, something changes in her expression. It’s like something he’s said that’s acted as a light switch, and her soft, open expression is suddenly schooled into something alarmingly like steel.

“I see. Well, I just wanted to tell you happy birthday. See you,” She says hastily, and then turns around where she came from. For two seconds, Jaehyun is sure he sees something in her hand that she then clutches to her chest, but then she’s walking away and – and Jaehyun is too shocked to do anything other than stare after her.

What did he say? What did he do? Did he have something in his teeth – or did he do his hair weirdly today?

Jaehyun spends the next ten minutes contemplating about whether he should just go and ask the student council to take his note out so it won’t be sent, and then the next ten minutes as he walks to class wondering why he ever chose to have a crush in the first place. It’s unnecessary, too much work, and not good for his heart.

Except his mind reminds him a couple beats later that she is clever, and kind and patient, and her eyes make the ugly florescent lamps look like a million stars and she can explain ridiculous concepts to him that actually make sense. She’s funny and laughs a bit too loudly and her friends look at him weird but all of that is her and god, Jaehyun is so whipped.

It’s fine, he convinces himself when class finally starts and he blinds the teacher with a charming smile so she won’t notice his homework is half-assed when he hands it in. He won’t be there when she receives the letter, and anyway, she won’t know it was him because it’s anonymous. It’ll be fine.

Everything is about to be a little less fine.

“Jung Jaehyun.”

It’s lunch time, and Jaehyun’s barely managed to step into the cafeteria before he’s accosted by one of her friends. He smiles at her and tries to remember her name – Hyerin? Hyolin? Fuck, this isn’t going well already.

“Hello,” He says nervously.

“We have to meet up for the discussion for the debate team now, remember? Have you written your opening speech?”

“Right,” Jaehyun says, the realisation dawning over him abruptly. “I’ve done it, don’t worry. Is it okay if I grab a sandwich and I’ll meet you in the common room? I’ve got the speech written on my phone.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. The rest of the team is waiting there as well.” She waves a hand at him – Jaehyun still does not remember her name – and she exits, leaving Jaehyun to blink after her and make his way to the section where cold lunch is available.

“Hi, hyung. Are you going somewhere with Hyunae?” It’s Mark, who’s eating lunch with the younger ones in their ridiculous circle of friends, and they’re all looking at him with wide, eager eyes. Jaehyun feels very much attacked, like he’s surrounded by a bunch of wolves.

“’Ve got debate team,” Jaehyun mumbles, blindly reaching for a sandwich and then picking a fruit for good measure.

“Well, the letters are being delivered now, hyung,” Renjun says, smiling so sweetly that Jaehyun thinks he can trust Renjun for one second until he remembers that Renjun’s on the student council.

Jaehyun narrows his eyes. “And?”

Renjun blinks at him. “What do you mean? I’m just telling you… information that could potentially be really useful to you in the next half an hour or so. Also, you’re about to drop your sandwich.”

Jaehyun squints at them one last time before he backs out the door of the cafeteria. The moment he leaves, he swears he hears a wave of guffaws coming from them, and the tips of his ears burn. One day the Dreamies will get themselves into trouble and he won’t save them, that’ll teach them. (of course he will. everyone’s got a soft spot for the dreamies, including him, and if helping them means he gets into trouble he will gladly do so. just – no one can know about this.)

The common room only has a few students mulling about, presumably because everyone else is eating lunch, and so Jaehyun makes his way over to the corner where his team is settled. They’re all eating lunch and there are papers spread out on the table in front of them, half eating and half discussing.

“You’re here,” Hyunae cheers as Jaehyun sits down. “We were waiting for your opening speech so that Minjun can correct his since he’s going after you.”

“Sorry – here, I’ll just forward it to you guys.” Jaehyun fiddles with his phone for a little before phones start pinging with the document he’s forwarded.

“Alright,” Minjun starts, but as soon as he starts to talk, the common room door opens and people start filing in, laughing and talking, and everyone sighs collectively. But it doesn’t even stop there – a few members of the student council come in right after that, each holding a package of letters and eyes darting around the room looking for their targets.

Jaehyun’s so distracted by the sudden influx of people and noise that he doesn’t notice her settling in a sofa next to his group.

“Hey, having fun, Hyunae?” She calls and laughs when Hyunae makes a face. Then she catches his eye, and she smiles at him, just a little, small one that is no less precious than the one he saw a couple days ago. He has to smile back and then tear his eyes away before the red in his ears transfer to his cheeks.

Just in time, a member of the student council – Myungsoo – comes to their group and starts handing out letters. “Is Minjun-ssi here… alright, here are yours. Oh – Daehyun, here are some for you…” He fiddles around and hands them around.

Jaehyun doesn’t really expect to receive any, and yet Myungsoo really has the audacity to hand over the rest of his stack to Jaehyun. “Here you go!” Myungsoo says cheerfully, “This is all yours, Jaehyun-ah.” Then he winks at Jaehyun and goes off with barely contained laughter as Jaehyun lobs some of his orange peel at Myungsoo.

Ignoring his teammates giggling and nudging him, he flicks through the letters slowly, seeing names on them. They’re all from his friends, including a collective one from the Dreamies that he immediately opens, only to see that all it says is Valentine’s in big letters and – it’s even spelled wrong. Still, he can’t help but grin, seeing their messy signatures scrawled at the bottom, and he puts it away to sort through the remaining pile of mess on his lap.

Johnny has sent one, a thick envelope that Jaehyun is sure is full of glitter; then the rest are all named, Taeyong and Yuta and Jungwoo and Sicheng, just to name a few, and then – there’s one with no name.

It’s a plain blank envelope, with his name written in neat, dark ink and the words are pressed so hard into the letter that they seem like engravings. Jaehyun frowns – the handwriting looks familiar, but he can’t seem to place it.

With his teammates equally as distracted by the letters, Jaehyun decides he can open this particular letter now. He unfolds the envelope, and he feels an unusual sense of peace, like two pieces of his life are about to slide into place in a few moments, and then he slides the piece of paper inside out. The words are inked so hard that the back of the letter feels like an engraving, and god, the writing is so, so familiar.

Even as Jaehyun reads over the letter – the contents simple, just, ‘I like you, but I know you don’t, so I just want to confess to you to get over my feelings. And happy birthday as well, Jaehyun-ah. Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope the lucky person who gets your letter receives it well.’ – he is completely distracted by where he’s seen this writing before.

It isn’t until he sees her stand up to receive a couple of letters that it clicks.

It can’t be.

It cannot be.

No way – the same letters on this letter – and the letters he’s seen countless times before in Economics – the way they’re pressed so hard onto paper – but there isn’t a signature at the end of the letter? – and… and can it really be her?

Jaehyun’s heart is in his throat as he reads the letter again, this time going over the words, and she likes him too and god, he almost wants to stand up and go over there and ask if this letter is from her, but he’s frozen and suddenly she’s standing up and looking around her frantically and then she sees him, and their eyes lock onto each other and she gestures to go outside, clutching some letters to her chest.

Jaehyun doesn’t even think about it, just ups and leaves the common room behind her and then they’re in the relatively quiet hallway and it’s like this morning all over again.

“You – this is yours?” She asks, and there’s a degree of hesitation to her words, like she doesn’t believe it.

Jaehyun takes a look at the letter she holds out. “Yes. It’s me.” He doesn’t know what else he can say when his heart has already stopped beating and then she’s looking at him, eyes brighter than the fluorescent hallway lights and he thinks he forgets how to breathe as well.

“It’s not a prank, is it?” She says, and her voice is so small Jaehyun wants to shake her. “You’re not – writing this for fun, are you?”

“Did you write this for fun, then?” Jaehyun asks in return, and shows her the letter. His hand is shaking but that’s inconsequential.

“No!” She says, tearing her eyes away from the letter to land on his face, then his shoulder then somewhere behind him. “I didn’t – I didn’t. That was – what I felt. I just, I don’t understand why – I don’t… you don’t –“

And then all Jaehyun can do is to look into her eyes and then the first thing he says is, “Transfer pricing.”

She looks at him again at that, startled by the sudden mention of their classes. “What?”

“Transfer pricing. Just – at the beginning of the term, we were learning about transfer pricing and god, I didn’t understand one single words from our bullshit teacher but then we were in a group and you explained it so well to me and I just…” He trails off and pushes a hand through his hair, feeling the heat in his cheeks as he tries to put his feelings into words.

“You were so nice to me,” He finally says. “You were so patient and kind, even though you didn’t need to do any of that and you’re also really funny. And, I guess it helps that you’re pretty,” He finishes, and his face must be in flames, but he’s said it and it’s done.

But then – she’s blushing. His eyesight is not as bad as Kun’s or Sicheng’s or Lucas’, so he must be seeing it right. She’s blushing. There is red in her cheeks and she refuses to meet his eyes and god, she’s so fucking cute.

“I hate you, Jung Jaehyun,” She finally says, but she’s looking at him with red cheeks and a small smile and her silver hair spills messily onto the side of her shoulder and – Jaehyun thinks his crush is running deeper than he initially thought.

“Change your mind?” Jaehyun offers with a sudden rush of courage he doesn’t know came from where. “This weekend, I’ll take you bowling, at the alley by the beach. What do you think?”

“Is this a date, Jung?” She asks, raising one eyebrow.

“Yes,” Jaehyun admits, “and I’d be really, really happy if you said yes, because I like you too.”

And then, she smiles again. Bright and loud and it curls the corners of her mouth and Jaehyun wants to imprint this one moment into his mind for the rest of his life. “Well, you’re lucky, because I want to make you happy, Jaehyun,” She says, and then Jaehyun can feel the smile stretching his own lips, so wide but still not enough to convey the leap of his heart.

For now, this will have to be enough until the weekend.

Don’t crash, don’t crash, don’t run a red light, Jaehyun reminds himself as he drives through the streets, glancing at his phone every now and then to check he’s going the right way. He’s hands feel oddly cold even though it’s approaching spring and he jacks up the heating in his car a little more.

It’s Saturday, just after lunch, and there are no cars on the street. It’s a refreshing change from the usual jams of morning or evening when he drives to or from school, but it’s also refreshing because – he’s going to pick her up.

For a date.

Just the thought makes him nervous and excited in equal parts, and he nearly misses taking a right turn because of it. She had texted him to pick her up at two, but he’s already here and it’s just ten to, so he thinks he’s got some spare time to kill. Right at the same moment, his phone chimes with a notification so he parks his car by the side of the road and checks it.

[13:49] you’re coming at 2 right?

[13:49] I’m ready so you can pick me up anytime ^^

[13:50] oh

[13:50] if you’re ready I’m here

[13:50] but don’t rush!!

[13:51] take your time, I can wait for you ^~^

[13: 54] no no that’s fine

[13:54] I’m ready anyway

[13:55] and it’s almost 2

[13:55] I’ll be coming out~~

Jaehyun has five minutes to calm down and not make himself seem like a fool in front of her. Tall order, considering how jittery he’s already been when he’s around her – and they’re together a lot more often now. Since Valentine’s Day, they’d spent a fair few lunchtimes together and hung out once after classes at the convenience store.

Jaehyun had bought her an ice-cream bar, only for her to snort and then eat it.

“What?” Jaehyun had asked, bewildered.

“I’m kinda lactose intolerant,” She says, shrugging. Half of the ice cream bar is gone.

Jaehyun panics. “You’re what? Stop eating the ice cream then!”

“Too late,” She sings, throwing the wooden stick away and laughing. “I really don’t mind, I’ll just suffer. How can I not eat it when you’ve bought it for me?”

He had ended up buying her two samgak kimbaps to make up for it, and they’d sat on the bench in the nearby park to eat.

Jaehyun remembers every moment fondly, but then he sees her stepping out from her house, locking the door behind her and jogging up to his car with a small smile on her face. He fumbles to unlock the car and then she slips into the passenger seat and turns to him with a bright smile.

“Hello! This is for you.” She hands him a small bouquet of daisies and then reaches over, busies herself with putting her seatbelt on.

Jaehyun’s clutching the flowers and there’s heat coming into his cheeks and he has to pass an arm over his face because he’s blushing and he’s blushing hard because he likes her so much and she brought him flowers and – wow, he’s really in this deep, huh.

“Are you blushing? Have I made the infamous Jung Jaehyun blush?” She asks, teasing in her voice but her cheeks are red too and she looks pleased.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun eventually says, when his voice has returned. “These are really pretty, thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome,” She says softly, and then right there, in the quiet between them in the car, in the late afternoon sun, Jaehyun thinks maybe he falls in love. It’s simple, like the dawn of the sun and the set of it, the formation of clouds and the fall of rain, the wilt of winter and then the bloom of spring; everything is simple and their course has been set.

The sun shines so bright on the tarmac that Jaehyun has to pull down the sun visor, but her laughter is brighter in his ears and when he looks over at her at the red lights, she is already looking at him, ruby lips and diamond eyes and Jaehyun doesn’t want this moment to end.

They pull into the parking lot just as it’s half past, and by the time he’s killed the engine and gotten all his stuff together, she has gotten out of the car and has opened the door for him. As he gets out, she bows very seriously and even curtsies a little.

He stares at her and she at him, challenging, but then they burst into laughter two seconds later, and it is only natural that he takes her hand, interlacing their fingers as they walk into the bowling alley.

When they get it, they pay and get their shoes, and then bicker about which bowling balls they get to have, and Jaehyun eventually relents, lets her have the bowling balls she prefers. He only does so because he knows he’s absolutely going to smash her score regardless of whatever bowling ball he has, and so armed with this confidence, he sits back and lets her make the first roll.

As it turns out, she’s pretty good. She knocks down six, and then another two, and she grins at him smugly.

“Gonna do better than me, Jung?”

“You bet I will,” He returns, and waits for the pins to be set in place before he takes his stance. The movements are safe, and familiar, and when he does let the ball roll, he knows it’ll be a strike before it even hits the pins.

There’s a gasp of surprise from behind him when all the pins topple over, and he only smirks a little to himself as he rolls the second ball, and that scores a spare too.

He goes back to the bench with a too-smug expression on his face, so he deserves the solid hand to his chest from her.

She pouts a little when she concentrates, Jaehyun notes idly, and then the tips of his ears start to burn when he realises what he’s doing.

Still, she doesn’t give up, just concentrates and then rolls a perfect middle, knocking down all the pins. She lets out a little victorious, “Yes!” and then makes a face at him before going in for her second throw. Jaehyun is distracted by the silver of her hair that he doesn’t see she makes a seven and that it’s his turn to throw.

“Stop spacing out,” She says, kicking at his feet as she sits down, “it doesn’t look good on you.”

“I look good in everything,” He protests, and then scores a nine.

“Boo! Stop hyping yourself up, frat boy.”

“I can’t hype myself up when I’m naturally talented,” Jaehyun argues, but then he’s distracted as he makes the roll and he messes it up slightly. Of course he would.

He may be good at bowling, but she is stupid competitive and also petty as hell, so her scores start to catch up with him as they play, and he has to actually play really, really well to stay in the lead. She overtakes him at one point in the seventh frame, and he only manages to pull ahead in the ninth frame, at which she glares at him hotly for.

It’s his last throw now, and he has to make it count.

With the burn of her gaze on the back of his neck, he goes in for the last throw – and all the pins are knocked down. Letting out a loud whoop of glee, he turns to face her, hands on his hips and grinning smugly as she rolls her eyes at him.

“You won by a five-point difference!” She says as they turn their shoes in. “That’s not a significant difference, that was luck –“

“I won fair and square,” Jaehyun says, and then ties the trailing lace of her other shoe because she couldn’t be bothered. “Stop being so petty, you can beat me next time.”

“Oh you bet I will, Jung,” She says, just the tiniest bit of sulking in her voice. It’s both endearing and adorable for him to look at her sulking over a five-point difference in their bowling scores, so instead he pulls her to the fast food restaurant next door.

“C’mon, let’s get some fries,” He says, taking her by the wrist and dragging her out slightly. “Stop being so grumpy, it doesn’t look good on you,” He adds, repeating what she told him a couple hours ago, and she snorts, then aims a soft punch at his arm.

“Where are we going after this?” She asks as they wait in line to buy the fries, and she’s moved her hand to hold his properly. She’s not looking at him and is studying the menu board very studiously, so he squeezes her hand a little in return.

“I thought we could go walk on the beach, since it’s right next to the building. And the sun’s almost setting so it’ll be pretty nice. What do you think?”

She sighs, rubs a thumb over his. “Stop being so good at everything, Jung. You’re going to make me actually like you.”

“That is the point though, isn’t it?” Jaehyun teases, then lets go of her hand to pull her into his side, slipping his arm around her waist. “Do you wanna get two packets of fries?”

Her cheeks are red but she doesn’t stutter over her words. “Ah – isn’t it cheaper to get one big one? We can share…” She trails off, like she’s just realised how romantic that could be; Jaehyun jumps on her silence and capitalises on it.

“Yes, yes you’re right. Let’s… hello, can I get one large fries, please? Yes, it’s just that… thank you.” He has to let go of her waist to fiddle with his wallet and take the change and receipt, but as soon as he stows his wallet away again, she slips her arm through his and leans in close.

“Next time I’m gonna beat your ass at bowling,” She says, side-eyeing him. “No mercy.”

“You keep trying, babe,” Jaehyun says, the pet name slipping out carelessly as he watches the screen carefully as so not to miss their order.

“Babe?” She asks a beat later, in a slightly strangled voice.

“Oh – sorry, it just slipped out. Do you like it – are you comfortable with it?”

“Stop being so cute for two seconds, Jung Jaehyun!” She hisses, but there is only adoration in her eyes, tenderness on her lips.

“I’ll stop being so cute if you stop being so pretty,” Jaehyun replies sweetly, and right then, under the shitty lights of some fast food restaurant, he can only see her, her silver hair and bright eyes and small smile, and he only looks away when their order number is called out.

They collect their fries and head out, going round the back of the building to where an expanse of sand stretches out before them before the waves come up to lap at the shore. The sun has just started to set, casting a soft orange glow around them so that the sand shines golden and the waves are coloured red and yellow.

Her arm is tucked in his and she holds the fries as they start to stroll slowly along the beach, fries bursting salty over their tongues and hot in the mild cold of the coming spring.

It’s peaceful, and the silence isn’t awkward; it’s calming after the rush of their bowling game, and Jaehyun doesn’t think it could have gone any better. He hadn’t ever expected anything to come out of this crush of his, and yet here he is, on the beach with his crush’s arm in his and her hair glowing its own moonlight.

“It’s so nice out here,” She says quietly, and a soft smile comes over her face. “I’d forgotten how nice it was to come out here. Thank you for bringing me here,” She adds, looking up at him, and he’s so distracted instantly, his focus going from everywhere around him to only her, pinpricks of his nerves all focused on her.

Which is why he yelps and drops some of the last fries in his hands when a seagull suddenly squawks loudly, obnoxiously somewhere overhead.

“Your face,” Is all she says before she starts laughing, snorting so hard she’s bent over and stumbling as they continue to walk along the beach. “Oh, my god, I can’t believe you got scared of a bird, Jaehyun! What else is going to scare you? And you wasted those fries, what a shame.”

“Shut up,” Jaehyun says, pouting a little.

“You big baby,” She says, smiling and poking his dimple lightly. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from any big, bad seagulls that want to steal your fries.” Jaehyun takes a look at the box of fries, notes that there are only a few more left, and then he makes his decision.

He spins them so they’re face to face, her hand still on his cheek and now he winds an arm around her waist and the other cups the back of her neck gently, feels the softness of her hair as it spills through his fingertips like molten silver.

“Jaehyun?” She asks, quiet, and her hand moves to cup his jaw; the other is braced on his shoulder, the box of fries just barely held between her fingertips – he can feel it pressing against his arm.

“You know, I didn’t think I would ever get to take you out on a date,” Jaehyun starts, voice low and tone reverent. “I just thought – you were too good. I didn’t think I could actually try and get you to like me. Do you… think it worked?”

There’s a moment of silence, and then she’s looking at him, really looking at him, eyes bright and beautiful and she’s starting to smile, the curling of the edge of her lips into her cheeks.

“You, Jung Jaehyun… I hate you the most, really,” She says, but she’s breathless and there is pink in her cheeks and her hair is a mirror and her hand is still warm on his cheek and there is no bite to her words.

“Glad to know the feeling’s mutual,” Jaehyun says, and his eyes crinkle into a pretty smile and his dimples are so deep she thinks it holds all the love he has for his friends, his family, everyone. She looks up again and there’s warmth blazing in his eyes and her heart is a rapid succession of thumpthumpthump that she hopes he can’t hear.

“Would your feelings change any further if I kiss you?” Jaehyun whispers now, and it’s like the whole world stops for a moment, and everything that matters is only them.

“Why don’t you find out?” She murmurs, so close against him that her words feel like the sea breeze against his cheek, and then – he kisses her.

It’s the sea breeze and the setting sun and the rush of the waves and the grains of sands in their shoes; it is all and everything and now and forever; it is warm even though it is cold and it is home even though they’re the only ones on a bare beach.

“’Ve changed my mind,” She says when they separate, and he can still feel the press of her lips against his. Her eyes are still closed and their foreheads are pressed together. “I think I really like you, Jung Jaehyun.”

She opens her eyes again and Jaehyun only has to look into them one more time to have a bit more bravery.

“Then, be my girlfriend?”

“Yes, Jung.”

#drabbles #nct #nct fanfiction #jaehyun #jaehyun fanfiction #look at me writing 6.5k in 2 days #i rly overachieved huh #anyway tumblr doesnt have line breaks anymore i am FURIOUS #i hope u enjoy this at any rate cait!!!!!!!!!!

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yeehawfolk · 4 years ago

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Anthropology is something I've been interested in since I was a kid, and it's what I might go to school in, but I'm also torn as Hell bc ever since I was a kid, if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always, without fail, say an "artist" or "writer". And my parents were always super supportive of that. But it seemed like growing up, nobody else really was. I went into public school in 2nd grade, and as soon as I started telling teachers and guidance counsellors that I wanted to be a writer or an artist they'd kind of laugh and say how that would be a very hard job. And that I could be anything I wanted to be, I liked science, right? I liked computers? Why don't I be a scientist or write code? And when I said I wanted to be a writer/artist, they'd always pause and start with "but you won't make any money that way..." and idk. Like. Gradually I started to give in, because that started all the way up from third grade into high school.

And I still held onto that conviction for years, I just stopped telling teachers and adults what I wanted to do. I drew and wrote voraciously as a kid, but I never showed anyone in school my stuff, ever. But as I got older and in High School, I started genuinely looking up to my teachers. Honestly, it made me feel a bit seen, ya know?

But... then I showed my English teacher my poems. I wrote them based on very personal feelings of depression and loneliness, abandonment, hurt. And she read them all, looked at me, then back at the book, and told me "This isn't poetry." And didn't say anything else. I still held onto my beliefs. Until I went into 10th grade and my guidance counselor dropped my Art 2 class that I had put on my schedule and replaced it with criminal justice, which I had no interest in at all, so that I could get some kind of low-level scholarship by that year (like. Insanely low-level. I don't think it was even enough to pay for books with.) By the time I realized the issue, the school year had already started and they wouldn't let me change it back to Art 2, even though Art was always my favorite subject and it let me decompress after classes.

And honestly, I think that was the start of my issues that I have with my art/writing, and the end of my dreams of writing an amazing novel or painting the next great masterpiece. I still want to create, but I'm afraid it's not going to be good enough. That people won't like it. And that's tanked my motivation over the years. It's hard for me to even start a drawing anymore, much less finish it. It's why I've kept most of my projects to myself over the years and I only tell my friends.

#cas talks #vent #i guess #but like idk i just wish i still had the motivation of little me

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localrobosexual · 5 years ago

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hewwo my fwiends it's currently real Loving Seaside Hours™ again as spurred by talking to a blessed pal of mine earlier today about our comfort characters, so as I'm tryina ride out this thunderstorm going on outside so I can actually go to sleep I'm just gonna take a moment and gush about this robot and how and why he means so much to me, that alright w y'all lmao

putting a breaker on this bc I already know it's gonna get long and ramble-y lmao. Not gonna mind if u skip this over and don't bother reading it, I just wanna kinda shout into the void about my ocs a bit, don't mind me!

HEY SO YEE I JUST RLLY RLLY LOVE MY BIG DUMB ROBOT SO SO MUCH AAAAAA HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I COULD NEVER SELL OR TRADE HIM EVER AND I JUST WISH I HAD MORE DISPOSABLE INCOME TO USE TO JUST BUY MORE COMMISSIONS OF HIM BECAUSE GOD EVERY TIME I DRAW HIM AND EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE DOES TOO MY HEART JUST FUCKIN SWELLS W LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!!! THIS ONE LITTLE TRANSFORMERS OC DOES THAT MUCH!!!!!!!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA

ok but. For real now, besides my initial screams that I had to get out hksjdks. Y'all wanna hear some insight into what all went into making him and why he means so much to me and all. Strap in bc it's gonna get Real

let's start with something pretty well known. Maybe not coming from me but a well known fact regardless lmao. Truth be told I wrote out from the paragraph below this one to the bottom without writing an introduction first and I'm too tired to try to come up with anything good now so uh. Hopefully this isn't too jarring hkshdksk my bad y'all my bad.

Anyways. Mental health! Fucked mental health! that's so much fun right!!

Haha yeah. Nah. We all know this. Being depressed is rlly wack y'all. It fuckin messes up ur head big time. I still don't know if I have downright depression, because I still haven't been properly diagnosed, and I never rlly associated my symptoms and the way I was feeling with depression bc it didn't line up with the stereotypical symptoms of depression, so I was (and still am) just calling it my "existential crisis". That was rlly the only word I could use to describe it. And it was dark and it was lonely and crushing and so, so awful. Despite the fact that I had an extremely loving and supportive friend group, I was always, ALWAYS afraid of speaking up about it. Despite them and all, I still felt super SUPER alone in the way I was feeling about life, my future, and my general purpose. This was all just reinforced by my parents and other adults in my life who I tried to come to in the past who would brush me off by saying I was overreacting, or that I'll "figure it out, because everybody does", or just generally not really understanding or showing any empathy at all. It took my entire life up until SENIOR YEAR ENGLISH CLASS when I went to my teacher about how I was feeling about a certain project that was triggering my symptoms, and that was the first time in my life when any adult had actually shown any sort of understanding or sympathy towards me and my feelings. That was the first time in my life where my mental struggles were validated by someone I respected and held to high regard.

But I still felt so very very alone, with no one to really talk to or who I knew was going through the same thing as me. So I ended up just,, , making someone who did.

Fun fact, before I really went ham on his development, Seaside was just gonna be a one-off oc with a happy go-lucky attitude and not much else about him. It was only until I heard the song What We Will Never Know (which later ended up becoming one of his theme songs bc of this) for the first time that I decided "WAIT,,. ,, BUT,, , WHAT IF,,. , ,,, , I MADE HIM SAD TOO" pretty much hkHKDJDJSK and that's what kick started his development!!

here I was, this sad, depressed, deeply lonely bitch with a love for making characters who played on extensions of myself, finally able to make something to cope with how awful I was feeling all the time. And that's what Seaside kinda was to me at first, he was my coping mechanism for working through hard bouts of my existenial crisis. I crafted his backstory to fit EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. He was content but never truly happy with how his life had been for as long as he could remember, then something exciting and new happens and he's suddenly thrust into a brand new world with so many new possibilities, but as he starts to settle in he realizes just how lost and alone he truly is in this new environment and he doesn't know where to go or what to do with himself. This is literally, EXACTLY a point-to-point retelling of my experience going through high school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with my life all with my mental health rapidly deteriorating around me. And having someone like that in my life, even fictional, even one I literally made up myself, made me feel better. I'd daydream scenarios of of us going on little adventures at the beach at night where no one else would see him in robot mode (gotta keep up the disguise aspect and all), but mostly it was just us hanging out, usually cuddled up to each other bc it gets cold on the beach at night, looking up at the stars, chillin and talking and just taking comfort in each other's presences and knowing that we weren't alone in our struggles. And I KNOW that sounds super stupid and cringey and dumb but like, that's genuinely what made, and still does, make me happy and it's what I used to help me hold on just a little longer to get through some of the really rough periods of my existenial crisis. When it got super bad, when I still even couldn't tell my closest friends about how low I was feeling, I still at least had Seaside with me to help me cope.

it wasn't until it got to the point where I was pretty much (lovingly) forced to wake up to the reality that I was rapidly becoming genuinely suicidal that things finally started to change, even just a little bit. I only very recently finally started to get my mind right, I finally told my parents the whole truth about how I was feeling, I got put on some meds that are honestly doing WONDERS for me rn, and I'm definitely in a much better place mentally then I was just a few months ago. I certainly still have a long way to go, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy the ride and just soak up and relish in the fact that I'm, for the first time in years, genuinely going about my days just happy to be out here living life without constantly being weighed down by the soul crushingly empty sorrow that hung over me 24/7. (and to said close group of friends, if you're indeed reading this, this may be the first time you're hearing about what I've been going through all the time, and if that's the case, I'm gonna have to kindly ask that you not come to me about it. I'll know when I'm ready to talk about this openly, but now I don't think I am. I'm really sorry to have kept it from y'all for so long, it really was just eating me up inside, but I think I explained myself well enough)

so now that I'm doing much better mentally, Seaside's outlook has kinda changed, but at the same time, not really?? he's still my comfort character for sure, always will be, but now he's not so much a coping mechanism as he is just a solid source of happiness and peace to turn to every now and again. This one little transformers oc just genuinely makes me really really happy, and I love to just soak it all in and feel every little thing!! We still share the not knowing what we're doing with our lives aspect of ourselves, but now it's a little less completely lost and anguished and hopeless and a little more hopeful and reassuring. Things are gonna be ok. We'll figure this out at our own pace. And we'll still have each other to turn to at every step of the way.

there's a lot of different kinds of comfort energies that many different kinds of comfort characters give off, and different ones resonate more with different people. The most common one I'll see at least is a kind of is parental comfort, someone you can come to for guidance in life because they have the experience to advise you on what to do and can be almost a better pseudo-parental figure. Mom friend types, loving dad energy, that kind of thing. Someone to protect you and give you big strong hugs and stuff. Seaside gives off a similar yet very different kind of comfort energy to me. It's not parental in any way because he's far too young (relatively, even in Cybertronian standards. He'd be like, mid to late 20s in human years) and inexperienced, and, frankly, still a little too naive and unknowing about a lot of things to really be someone to turn to for guidance or just generally be a pseudo-parental figure, but instead, he's just a good friend. He's a perfect kind of friend that'd stand by your side and will always be there for you through the ups and downs of life, someone who knows how to cheer you up when you're sad, someone you can share a solidarity in where you know you're experiencing the exact same struggles. He's just a good shoulder to lean on and a constant reminder that I'm never alone. And I couldn't ask for anything better tbh

so yeah. There's my ramble I guess lmao. To sum it up rlly I just love this big dumb robot w all my heart and soul and I'm so so glad I made him 💕💕💕

#words of meg #meg's ocs #seaside #ramble #tw: suicidal thoughts #existenial crisis #i debated writing this at all but i really need to just go and make myself Actually Do the things i Want To Do w my ocs so #yee #even if i get little to no feedback thats ok #i still made something #so this is kinda my attempt at trying to start that lmAO #rlly poured my heart out here huh #oof lmao

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moodymurda · 5 years ago

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think i lost my best friend

as a small child my first first best friend was a boy named omar. we met in daycare when we were two. we were the smallest in the class but had the biggest mouths. we ended up going to the same schools until 4th grade. at our elementary school anytime someone claimed me as a best friend, he would explain that we went way back to diapers and they weren’t my best friend lmao.

in pre-k i met a boy named hakeem. (our mom’s ended up being friends, they still talk occasionally and sometimes my mom will tell me how hakeem and his siblings are doing. because she know my weird ass cares about that sort of thing). hakeem brought these lemon cookies everyday for snack. i liked them too but in strawberry, so he would have his mom get me some and he brought me those cookies everyday until we changed schools in first grade. we always sat together, did our work together, played together. we had other friends but we mostly did everything together.

in first grade i had 2 best friends. a boy named franklyn and a girl named melody. melody moved away like 4 months into the school year but to this day i’ve never forgotten her. franklyn, i thought he was so cool. he was a really great artist.. for a 6 year old lol. he was real funny too. he had the funniest facial expressions. and he was real serious which i was entertained by because i’ve always been “silly”.

in 4th grade i met a girl named shanelle. we were the shortest girls in the class and the smartest. we were really similar in general and we instantly clicked. it was a whole lil group of girls that i’d known since first grade. but shanelle and i ended up in the same class in 4th grade and we clicked idk. that was my mf girl. when i first moved to florida we talked on the phone every saturday for hours. i also met a boy named anias that year. he was one of my best friends too. he was also my first crush lol. unrelated but it’s interesting to look back at how i handled the fact that i liked him, because i still handle liking people that same way.

fifth grade was my first year in florida. it was real hard for me to make friends. the other day, my mom said to me she realized that in new york i never had to make friends. i have bout 5011 cousins, so that's built in friends right there. and they were my friends back then, they're my friends now. then most of the kids i went to daycare with, they went to my elementary school. so again i never had to make a friend really. i knew everyone in my life since i was a literal infant.

but yea i did end up making friends eventually. got my first white friends ever lol. (one of their dad’s called me a nigger which is still hands down one of the weirdest things i’ve ever experienced.) i started to befriend more girls which was cool because before then i always had way more guy friends than girls.

in middle school i went to one school for 6th grade, then another for 7th & 8th. in 6th i met my friend nijah. and she was my best friend then. she treated me like i was her little sister and i’m still grateful. she really looked out for my little ass and defended me no matter what. she was present after i got into my first fight lol. and even though i held my own, the girl had scratched my face. that shit set nijah off and she proceeded to beat homegirl’s ass even though i just did.

i struggled to make friends in 7th again. in 6th grade i went to the same school that most of my elementary friends went to, so again i didn’t have to make friends for real. i did make new friends but it was different because it was a group thing. not me alone trying to fit in somewhere. in 7th grade i finally got into a school i applied to in 5th grade but was wait-listed. i was and am very reluctant to speak to those i don’t know for a list of reasons. so i didn’t. i would just observe the people in my class. eventually these two girls named janae and keely who were best friends, kinda let me stick my ass in there with them. then i met bart and this girl dani. i remember marcus and i had ended up befriending one another bc our history teacher sat us next to each other when he was reassigning seats. (i remember every mf thing but marcus was also my second crush so naturally i remember every detail of that shit). so yea those were my friends. at the time janae was my best friend tho. she was the only other black girl in the class that would talk to me and didn’t think i was weird. it was because her ass was weird too lol. i didn’t act like the rest of the black girls and they really only spoke to me to make fun of me. which i knew, but i’ve never been one to entertain shit unless “you got beat my ass about it”.

in 8th grade janae and i met this group of girls. morgan, dejahnna, atlantis, and jarvayssia. some shit shifted that year and morgan and dejahanna became my best friends. they were the first friends i ever hang out with outside of school. it made me feel so good to be invited to shit and to feel included. to feel like a normal ass 13 yr old felt amazing.

so in high school there were two schools all the magnet school kids would usually apply to. stanton and paxon. with the exception of keely, bart, and a few other people i didn't mention here. every single person i was close with in middle school, went to paxon. what's crazy is most of my friends were going for stanton because in jax it’s the “better” school as far as ranking goes. i don't even remember why but when i toured paxon, i liked it more than stanton and i wanted to go there. it’s still funny to me that my ass didn’t want to go to stanton but was one of the only ones in my close friend group to get in.

so yea at stanton is struggled. a lot. personally but also in the friend department. to put it plainly i had none. people didn't really talk to me or acknowledge me really. at first i didn’t mind it. but then having a fucked up home situation and having no friends just made me feel real shitty. there was that thing again, with people talking to me only to make fun of me. some of those same people would turn around senior year and try to be my friend senior year which was hilarious to me at the time. it was like they forgot how they treated my extra depressed ass back then. i met this girl chelsey in 10th grade and she was hella sweet. she basically forced me on her friends and they became my friends.

okay so anyway, in 11th grade i met a girl named ahmani. she was in my chorus class. i remember our first encounter, it was towards the beginning of the school year. stanton was playing paxon and it was the game everyone went to ya know. i wanted to go but my mom couldn't take me. so everyone is talking about it and someone asked if i was coming. i said no and why, ahmani ended up asking me what side of town i lived on. we realized we dead lived like 7 minutes away from each other. she offered to pick me up and bring me to the game w her. i was amazed that she was willing to, i know that dont sound like a big deal but to me it was. people weren’t nice to me bro. like ever. so for her to do that it meant a lot. she ended up being my ride every mf where. she is dead the reason i hung out w people outside of school w my friends. she took me everywhere with her. sometimes we would just sit in the car and talk or listen to music. we had a group of friends, it was 5 of us. but i was the closest with her.

i admired her. i thought she was so strong and resilient. she's hella awkward but she owns it. she's low-key/highkey anxious sometimes but she works through it. no one i’ve ever met works harder to achieve shit than she is. she sings so beautifully. she is beautiful. she's a caretaker of basically anyone she knows. she is a light, she was my light for so long when i needed it. we’re pretty different but also a lot alike. we just worked. i always told her where i fall short she picks up my slack and vice versa. we might be a bit of a mess separately but our heads working together is unstoppable. we’re kinda a mess together too honestly but it’s us.

in college we didn't spend as much time together. we both stayed home for two years and went to a community college. we would hang out like weekly i think. i’m pretty sure we saw each other once a week at the very least. but then she went to orlando for university and i went to UNF which in jax. we didn’t talk all that much and i understood. i wasn't necessarily too busy, but thats because i just never am that fucking busy lmfao. idk the way i go through life is weird. i only make time for the shit and people i want to make time for. i refuse to do anything i dont want to. and that isn’t necessarily my best trait but I'm working on it. but yea i guess she was busier than i? idk when i don’t speak to people for a while i dont make a big deal. i tell myself it isn’t on purpose and i move on. i often tell myself not to apply more importance to my life than what is necessary. especially when others are involved. again, not my best trait but i’m working on it.

so yea though our communication got limited i still considered her my best friend. when she would come to the city, if she had time we hung out. i always have time lmfao, always. again i know other people’s lives are more full than mine. well i assume so. anyway. we spoke on the phone. we were there when the other needed i think. i try hard not to need people. like not to call them or burden them with my issues. i try real hard. but when she needed me i was there. not to say i’ve ever needed her and she wasn’t there. because that isn’t the case at all.

recently we planned to move to chicago together. a whole chain of events happened and now we aren’t. i’m still moving and i’m pretty sure she is too. just not together. the way it happened is really fucking with me. i don’t wanna get into it bc of privacy and shit. but i will say that i am hurt. im really hurt and im confused and im beating myself up over some shit that everyone keeps telling me isn't my fault. feels like my fault though. that feels like the only explanation. i dont know.

i’ve been thiniking a lot. about friends and how i never really had any. i just spoke to people so i wasn't alone or sometimes i just spoke to no one and made myself be okay with it. and now i have this group of friends and we’re like family. everyone that is my friend currently is my family. all of my friends i have currently i made over the internet. and i was bothered by that im not even gonna lie. it felt good to still have ahmani bc i would see her more than i see my other friends. i still have some i didn't meet yet. idk i just.. im the only person in my like personal life with internet friends. like in my family. and i felt like i just fed the fact that my family thinks im not even the least bit “normal”. then i started to feel bad. because it felt like that meant i was ashamed of my friends.and i’m not. i love them. i dont wanna lose any of them any time soon. and i’m realizing i dont need anyone’s approval to make those friendships “real” or valid. because they are real and valid to me.

but yea i dont think ahmani and i will be friends anymore. or if we do end up being friends again, we probably won't speak for a while. i don’t know what that means. but losing a friend sucks a whole lot and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

#me #ni #mal #friens

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wannawrite · 7 years ago

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sweet crazy love [ pt.1 ]

who?: Wanna One’s Ong Seongwoo genre: 🌸🌺 type: bullet point - bc fic would be too long so I broke this into smaller parts TW: blood, biting, fights, mention of PTSD, depression and psychiatry, supernatural experimentation - poison

blog navigator. part one / two

part two

vamp! AU

experiments don’t always work out.... and when they don’t, they go to the psychiatrist

that sounds dark already ^ it gets better, I promise! please do not read if this is triggering!!! thank you for requesting this anon, aha you asked twice/two anons, so cute sorry I’m never on here anymore :( this week was rough and next week, I have tests all week until CNY.

- Admin L

disclaimer: pictures used do not belong to me and credit goes to their original owners.

everything written here is purely fictional.

you never found out why there was always this boy who would glare at you with the most menacing eyes from across the hall

behind his locker in the hallway

in the cafeteria

across the hall when your paths crossed

from his seat in a classroom, you were merely walking by

his eyes held such fire and flames it seemed like they were going to roast you alive

sadly, you never got a name or a reason

all you knew was how his face looked like and he was downright gorgeous

even when he looked like he had -4 hours of sleep every day without fail, with those purple and bruised eye bags forming under his inky black orbs

he always seemed to be thirsty, running his tongue over plump lips, a finger toying with his bottom lip, yearning for a drink

but you never knew what

honestly, it did bug you from time to time since he kept glaring but never confronted you on anything

besides, whenever you moved to talk to him, he would only vanish into thin air, as if he was never there in the first place

however, he would be seen drinking chocolate milk with his best friends a while later

you just figured you probably punched his nose in kindergarten, never apologised, he never forgave you and that’s why he held such a huge grudge against you

he also tried to avoid you at all costs, at least it was good that there were no joint classes

how childish, you often thought. It’s high school, he should grow up a little

if he is mad at me, shouldn’t he at least try to talk it out instead of just glaring at me all the time? I can’t exactly read his damn mind

well,,, he could

the years wore on like that, as in, you ignoring his icy stares and trying not to be bothered by them. Seongwoo continued to slink in the shadows, keeping a low profile

in fact, he became a prominent factor in your life. Your friends even nicknamed him.

you wondered how this mysterious brooding bad boy constantly hung out with Hwang Minhyun, the school’s beloved prince

in fact, that guy was the only best friend Minhyun seemed to have from high school

you rarely saw that guy at school functions, maybe once or twice at the homecoming game but never at dances or anniversaries. You figured he wasn’t one for those

Senior year changed a couple of things...

you had a study period in the study hall with him. Curiosity piqued in you

but contrary to your expectations, the mystery boy seemed to dwell in darker ends of the study hall, plugging into his own music and diligently taking his own notes in black ink

he paid no attention to the world around him, absorbed in his textbooks

you started to realise as the days passed, he seemed more beat up than the previous day

physically

the bruises framing his eyes darker and he seemed exhausted of all energy.

He wore long-sleeved sweaters, you wondered what he was hiding

your classmate seemed more quiet, sticking only to himself, he seemed more wary of others

however, that only lasted for a week before he returned to his usual self, chatting with his friends and sipping more strange looking juice boxes that didn’t resemble his typical chocolate milk

but who were you to judge? And since when did you ever pay so much attention to detail?

were you intrigued by him?

you shuddered and spun away, forcing yourself to tune in to other, more relevant things

finally, graduation rolled around the corner

Ong Seongwoo

you caught his name from the roll call don’t judge

he was just too SECRETIVE otherwise

even with his name, there wasn’t much you deduced from the school gossip realm

he just drank peculiar coloured juices to ‘keep his skin youthful and preserve his clear skin’

Seongwoo N E V E R left the safety of a building into the sun without slathering on an unholy amount of specialised sunscreen

if he had PE that day, he would bring two different types of nutritional juice and only shares his f&b with Minhyun

no one dared to get close to him

or rather, he was just too problematic to get close to

it appeared he only appreciated his friends he had known since diaper days and that everyone else had to go through a selection to enter his circle

okay so graduation

it’s one of the most exciting days in your life and you couldn’t be gladder to graduate with a 4.0GPA

also, you’re determined to fix things with Seongwoo on the very last day of school, might as well right?

right after the valedictorian’s - minhyun - speech, you scan the hall to find Seongwoo as the closing speech is given by your principal

he’s there in his seat

the speech ends, you’re out of your chair, moving through the crowd of students throwing caps to where he was seated

but he isn’t there,,, not anymore at least

the girl beside him said he just took off, along with Minhyun

before you can register what happened, your feet take your along a corridor, maybe down a couple of flights of stairs

right to the old lacrosse locker room which was under construction works

why the hell would you walk here? you don’t even know where it is by memory

perhaps because you could hear two roaring voices, one calm and collected while the other panicked and raging

‘calm down, you need to get your shit together Seongwoo. Breathe!’ Minhyun instructs, a growl in his tone

pressing an ear against the door, all you hear are strangled cries from Seongwoo

you wonder if you should call the police

‘CONTROL YOURSELF SEONGWOO!’

yup, that doesn’t sound shady at all

‘the side effects have been getting worse....’ you hear Minhyun mutter to himself, a rustle of plastic or paper following suit

the shower runs, someone seems to be spamming the knobs. All grows quiet.

you don’t even realise you’re holding your breath until you release it

now

you burst into the room, ignoring the red warning tape, ripping it away to fall at your feet. Your phone was already ringing, the police on the other side

The room was empty, despite all the yelling you heard, making your heart complete somersaults as realisation sets in

were you imagining things?

hammers knock nails into your head as you try to comprehend whatever had happened

there’s nowhere to hide, yet no other door to escape out of, you can’t believe two of your batch mates have just vanished into thin air

choking out a chuckle of disbelief, shaking fingers turn the call off, one hand covers your mouth as you slowly back away from the two graduation gowns and caps were strewn on the floor, blood staining both of them

well...no one knows exactly what happened that day because when the cleaner discovered it, it was too late to identify anyone by then

only you knew the real answers

but honestly, time wore on and you became much busier in college, whatever happened to your batch mates wasn’t your concern anymore

you just couldn’t afford any time to care or ponder about it

yes, you wondered and dreamed about the possibilities but most of your time was spent studying hard, medicine majors can’t afford sleep

all you wanted to work as since you were little was a psychiatrist especially since your father was a scientist, specialising in biological sciences

you wanted to follow in his footsteps and join the scientist life

your father often joked that you and him would be the greatest scientists in the world someday, him as a biologist and you as a psychiatrist

and that was your real motivation, you genuinely wanted to achieve that seemingly far-fetched dream

your parents were supportive, your professor sort of favoured you, your college was Ivy League...what else could you want?

life was perfect

until one day...a Friday morning, which meant morning coffee and cake run with your roommates

that day, it also meant encountering people you never once thought you would see again

Hwang Minhyun and Ong Seongwoo

they clearly didn’t resemble the pesky 18-year-olds you remembered but they looked like elegant, poised and well-refined college upperclassmen

certainly, they dressed the part

Minhyun was wearing a sleek black turtleneck sweater paired with camel coloured slacks, draped over his chair was a classy caramel and tartan blend of a Burberry trench

his coffee was Americano, his shoes embossed with the Louboutin stamp and a pair of thin circular framed spectacles rested on the bridge of his nose

wow

is that really Hwang Minhyun?

you kinda saw his style coming anyway lol

but then, is that Ong Seongwoo sitting across from him?

Seongwoo had changed

okay he still kept his bad boy, had -2 hours of sleep for 3 decades look but there was a different aura around him now

he looked...dare you say it, attractively stylish

his dark hair was swept into boyish bangs, just passing his eyebrows, it looked thick and silky.

Seongwoo wore an oversized grey flannel which he tucked into dark wash skinny jeans with rips at the knees.

To finish the look, he wore a pair of polished white sneakers

yes, I’m talking about the look from ‘Beautiful’ photos mhm

in his grip, was a familiar packet; he still drank the same juice since high school

some things just don’t change

cute

WAIT NO NOT CUTE REMEMBER HE’S THE BOY WHO HATED YOUR GUTS AND YOU STILL DON’T KNOW WHY

AND HE ALSO MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED THROUGH THE RENOVATING LOCKER ROOM ON GRADUATION DAY

SHADY

QUICK LOOK AWAY BEFORE HE SEES YOU

hastily, you place your order and join your friends at the table, trying to blend yourself in with the bubbling chatter, a distraction from the two people seated by the window

...awkward...

mhm but you had really exciting news to break to your friends

‘you’re awfully quiet today,’ your best friend pointed out. ‘Are you hiding something?’

yes

‘nah...I just have news to break to you guys,’ you said, trying to seem nonchalant

but it is true that you have amazing news to break!!!

‘tell us!’ your friends chorus excitedly, eager to find out

on the opposite side of the cafe, both Minhyun and Seongwoo have taken notice of your presence

Minhyun chuckles. ‘Remember when we were 118, our graduation? You freaking out and succumbing to the side effects? Good times.’

‘good times my ass, I lost my graduation gown and cap!’ Seongwoo whines. ‘My mum was making a collection of all our graduation gowns. I think she’s still holding a grudge at me.’

Minhyun cleared his throat and lowered his voice. ‘Your family still doesn’t know about...it...right?’

Seongwoo shakes his head and his friend sighs.

‘you know how much I hate it! Why can’t you just go to the authorities about this! It’s putting your life in danger and I hate seeing you hurt all the time!’ Minhyun sighs. He pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a long sip of his coffee

Seongwoo wrinkled his nose. ‘You know what will happen if I don’t show up for even one session. It’s happened before.’

Seongwoo finds himself tuning into your conversation instead of engaging with his friend

okay let’s be honest, he’s never really liked you

‘you need real help, Seongwoo. You really think drinking all these plasma juice boxes are going to make a difference? Are all these helping you one bit?’

‘I can’t take blood bags because of the injections you know it,’ Seongwoo retorted. He was only half-heartedly paying attention to his friend and he was straining his supernatural hearing to listen to your conversation

‘Exactly! Stop the process, take real blood so your body can survive and I’ll get help from a psychiatrist. Seongwoo, this can make everything better.’

‘I’m going to be an interning at Dr. Im’s clinic!’ you announced happily, gaining gasps and congratulations from your friends.

huh...good for them. Looks like they’re following their father’s footsteps into science and medicine. Notable.

he gave you a side glance, noticing how much more good-looking you had become

hmm

Seongwoo felt colour slowing draining from his face. He quickly stabbed a straw into yet another plasma juice box

was he angry? was he disappointed? was he glad? he didn’t know either

perhaps just slightly stupefied, stunned......

he never imagined Doctor’s so-called ‘work’ would continue, would ever become anything

a pair of fangs began to protrude, his temper began to flare

what? how many more of us are they going to take? no, I must stop them

‘Seongwoo helloooooo’

I have to protect my family at all costs

‘SEONGWOO!’

the impact of Minhyun’s fist on the table made Seongwoo snap out of his angry thoughts. It also caused time to freeze as curious customers peered round to have a glance

the table now had a small crack forming in its wood

blushing, Minhyun briefly apologised, downed the remainder of his coffee in a shot before grabbing Seongwoo’s arm and dragging him out

what a scene, you thought

deep down you wondered when you would see them next

probably on campus somewhere,,, but with your new internship and all, you would be increasingly busy

there just wasn’t time to think about those kinds of irrelevant subjects

there was no time to waste on thoughts of Ong Seongwoo

crazy

I’m going crazy right now

week two of the internship was definitely not treating you the best

sorry, this part may not be so accurate

all you did for week one was sit at the reception, drop by the lab a couple of times, restock medication and occasionally, bring coffee in for Dr Im

honestly, you wanted to see patients or watch a session but those were all private and personal

it was just you and the medicines for a bit :\

suddenly, Dr Im marches into the supply closet, court shoes, sparkling white coat and all. She smiles, handing you a clipboard and a form

‘There’s a new client today coming for consultation. I spoke to him and surprisingly, he agreed to let my dear trainee sit in. As long as you sign this protection of personal data form, you’re welcome to join this time,’ she explains

OH MY GOSH

what you’ve always wanted :”)

WHY ISN’T IT 8PM YET

why did he have to book the latest time slot what the hell there wasn’t anyone in the 5.30pm one how dare you make me wait 12 hours

but you get yourself a coffee and tell yourself to suck it up

at precisely 8pm, two well-dressed and tall men walk into the posh and pristine office

you don’t realise who it is until you emerge from the medicine storage room just in time to see one of the guys remove his black mask

Ong Seongwoo

>:(

luckily, he doesn’t seem to notice you yet. He and - supposedly - Minhyun turn in the direction of the waiting area

they look out of place in their dark coats and masks. It’s a stark contrast from the white and grey interior, maybe a vase of pinky-white lilies sitting on a counter

or a few paintings of scenery in sand coloured frames

someone like Ong Seongwoo doesn’t belong here

you wonder what problems he could even face.....

the second Seongwoo stepped into the room and sensed your presence, he wanted to turn around and storm right out

getting help was Minhyun’s idea and when he said he knew of a psychiatrist that was fine with the supernatural, he placed his life in Minhyun’s hands

clearly, it was the wrong choice

but he had to keep cool and wait for his best friend’s real intentions to be made clear

his best friend was sacrificing him to Doctor, he had no doubt about that right now

you were Doctor’s child and also training in the field of science and medicine

...Minhyun had a lot of explaining to do later on

the shock was written all over Seongwoo’s face when you sat next to Dr Im during the consult, taking notes and all

so, the intern was you

throughout the session, you genuinely wondered why Seongwoo would be here

there was a section that you were asked to step out for a second and your best guess that it was an extremely sensitive matter

somehow,,, you wanted to help Seongwoo

isn’t that why you were a doctor anyway?

even if he despised you, you wanted to help him so badly

he left unscathed, that was astonishing to him too

when interrogated, Minhyun seemed to have 0 knowledge of your existence and that you were related to Doctor

‘I-I’m so s-sorry. I really had no clue,’ he choked out, holding back a sob

Seongwoo brushed it off, believing and forgiving his best friend

‘how are things with Jaehwan? More roommate trouble?’

‘ugh, don’t remind me. He keeps teasing me about my crush on our neighbour.’

laughter resounded on the drive back to their dorms

all was back to normal

but both your lives wouldn’t be

Doctor: 1.45am. Usual place. Don’t be late

‘Dr Im, if you don’t mind me asking, what was your diagnosis?’ you questioned carefully, afraid of setting off an explosion of fuming fireworks

Dr Im sighed, she pressed her hand to her forehead. ‘He’s a difficult one if I’m honest. However, my brain is telling me it’s PTSD or depression, worse case scenario and it could be both.’

I’m not an expert on both even though I did research so I’m sorry if there are any inaccuracies, I tried to exclude it for the majority of the work

you kept silent, the information unable to fully sink into your mind.

Ong Seongwoo? PTSD? Depression?

was it related to whatever happened at graduation? Was he struggling then? Is he losing hope now?

he was never my friend, your mind indicates, why am I so worried? Why am I freaking out over this? He’s hated me all this while, yet I’m so concerned

I’m becoming a lunatic

‘Dr Im,’ you call out meekly

‘hmm?’ She hums in response, still scribbling words down on her writing pad

you swallow hard, throat closing at the thought of saying your next words

‘you’ll do your best to help him right? Seongwoo would be okay? Would he?’

her pen pauses for a prolonged period as if that question required an extensive amount of consideration to answer

Dr Im nibbles on her bottom lip, nervously, you note

‘yes. Seongwoo will be just fine.’

Doctor: No blood, just plasma.

......to be continued

#wanna one #produce 101 #wanna one scenarios #produce 101 scenarios #ong seongwoo

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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years ago

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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isroselalondebisexual · 7 years ago

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What do you think the following kidswaps would be like: Rose Strider, Dave Lalonde, John Harley, and Jade Egbert

So I don’t actually engage with kidswaps a bunch because I don’t really get where most people are coming from with them, but my understanding of kidswaps is:

You take the canon kid but raise them in their surname’s household.

One of the cool things Hussie did with the guardians was that they fit fairly well into the four parenting styles Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful. Quick psychology overview, there are two categories parents usually get defined by, Involvement (also known as support or warmth) and discipline (or demand). Authoritative parents give high support/involvement/warmth, and moderate discipline, which is sort of the ideal parenting, and that fits Dad Egbert pretty well. Authoritarian is low warmth/support/involvement but high discipline/demand, which Bro Strider fits. Permissive is high warmth, but low discipline, which goes well with Mom Lalonde. Neglectful parents are low warmth low discipline, and are often absent entirely, which our unfortunately dead Grandpa Harley was (and from evidence in Hiveswap, probably would have been even if he was alive). Lucky for us Jade had a radioactive dog to raise her in his stead.

So we’ve got a girl like Rose, raised in an authoritarian household, I’m just gonna go ahead and say Bro Strider because I don’t know how guardians usually work in kidswaps. So Bro “I got possessed by a demonic puppet at age 0 and have lived with that thing in my head all my life” Strider is aggressive, unreliable, attacks his kid on a dime, emotionally distant, and emotionally detached. Rose, who is already pretty embittered by her mother in canon, would become someone utterly infuriated with the world. She’d forgo her passive-aggression games in favor of being outright nasty and rude most of the time I’m talking full 90′s cliche delinquent here. Serious behavioral issues, “who’s going to make me” attitude, seizing control by force wherever she can because control is something that’s stripped from her in her home life. Distrustful of other people’s intentions, probably always sees the worst in others, the kind of person who’s just waiting for the other person to prove her right so she can point at them and say “Ha. I knew you weren’t that nice.” without full awareness that she was the one to push them to snapping at her in the first place. REALLY nasty downward spirals of aggression and more aggression and a paranoid survival-based hair-trigger set of reflexes. Probably useful as a Seer of Time, but not good for her well being by any stretch of the imagination.

Then we’ve got Dave, raised in a permissive household by Mom “I drink to forget that the world is about to end and also because I’m lonely and life is hard” Lalonde. On the upside, he’s got a parent who cares about him now, on the other, he’s still a kid who’s gotta grow up too fast, bc his mom isn’t really a mom. She adores him, of course she does, but she’s drunk off her ass eight days a week so Dave’s sorta gotta be his own adult, which doesn’t end well. He probably gets along with her though, thinks he’s got a cool mom when really she’s just an enabler to pretty much anything he wants to do. I’d imagine a Dave Lalonde would end up sorta spoiled, used to not being told no, raised a rich kid, he’s used to being able to get whatever he wants after a little whining and would likely have a bad reaction to being told “no” when he starts out. A well intentioned dude who wants to be soft, but believes he has to be the “mature” one of the group, just listen to him he’s the smart one here. Probably thinks photographing plants and collecting roadkill in jars makes him “cultured” and “refined” and tries to use that as an excuse for why everyone should listen to him. Part of that is just him being used to having to act the adult in his home life though, so it’s natural for him to think that he’s the mature one, the put together one, the one who’s too old for that sort of childish nonsense. Also likely knows he’s pan/bi before the Game even starts tbeh. His quest as Knight of Light would probably involve him mostly just figuring out how to be a kid again, something he’d initially resent, like Rose resents the girlishness of LOLAR in canon, but would warm to eventually as he comes to terms with the fact that he’s not an adult, he’s allowed to be a kid.

Then John, raised in a “neglectful” household as much as having a dead guardian can really raise him, left with First Guardian Bec and the carapacians of Prospit. He’d probably be really starved for attention. Even more of a class clown than he is in canon, but this time only on a deserted island. Just a boy with his dog, and his dream scape to make friends with strange white chess people, whose customs are very much not human customs but ah well. Depression likely sets in a lot sooner for him without a parent around, and it’s easier for him to lock himself away from the world when no one’s even in his world on that lonely little island. Laying in bed all day watching movies and texting his friends and playing online games are less “interests” as much as they are “the only hobbies he has access to AND energy for”, than in his canon timeline. He’s still a boy overflowing with love for his friends, and would probably maintain his goofy disposition, but he’d be lonely and tired and depressed and it would likely be hard for him to work up the energy for his childhood nonsense that we all love and adore so much from canon. Bec, at least, would get him up, because dogs are high-energy pets and need daily exercise, and John would never ever let his dear sweet Bec get affected negatively by his depressed moods. He’s a boy who wants to be in love with life but it’s really, really hard. His quest as the Heir of Space would be something of a spiritual journey, I think. Becoming one with the universe, coming to terms with the good and the bad, the highs and lows the desirable and the ugly, and, by extension, learn to balance his own inner joy and despair. Once he reaches an understanding with that which is whole, he is better able to handle his own cycle of depression, which never really truly leaves him but he is able to handle it, engage with his loved ones while maintaining his own illness.

Jade, raised in an authoritative household by Dad “I love my child more than my own life” Egbert. Probably gonna be the most well adjusted out of all of them, surprising literally no one. Might be a little less punchy than we see in canon, having had a parent to appropriately model reactions to things like annoyance and anger, and probably has less access to rifles than our girl in canon. Still buff as shit tho, that much hasn’t changed. A witty problem solver, someone who’s had the support needed to really help her flourish, added to her own genius self. Has less need for the dreambot, but is still interested in science and furry/wolfkin stuff and her dad is, of course, only supportive (even if he doesn’t really understand the wolfkin/furry stuff, he supports his child and her interests). Wins ever science fair ever held and Dadbert is just standing with a camera beaming in the background. A go-getter and a high-achiever, sharp-tongued and able to use wit and snark and humor in order to win her battles instead of just out-screaming Karkat, regional winner of the Screamer Award (to be fair, that moment in canon was ICONIC). Isn’t necessarily GOOD at rolling with the punches, but is capable of it when she feels inclined. Her quest as a Witch of Breath would probably be something of a spiritual healer for the rest of her group? Someone who can manipulate the Aspect of freedom and in turn give that to her friends and loved ones. Someone for Dave to joke around with and just be a kid with, someone John can look to for support and help him when life is just too heavy, someone Rose can rail against and see that there is indeed still kindness in this world and yeah Jade isn’t perfect, she’s tempermental and a compulsive liar but she’s good and she’s loving and she wants nothing more than for Rose to feel okay again and Rose does indeed want that and wow JadeRose would actually be exceptionally good in this kind of kidswap wow. And in helping her friends, that would be an act of liberation for Jade too, because sometimes “we” is easier than “me” and sometimes “let’s” is more doable than “I’ll” and “I’ll do this for you” is easier than “I’ll do this for myself.”

Anyway I got super long winded there but here are my Thoughts tell me what you think.

#Rose Lalonde #John Egbert #Dave Strider #Jade Harley #Homestuck #answers #Rose Strider #Dave Lalonde #John Harley #Jade Egbert #John #Dave #Jade #JadeRose #mentioned #long post #beta kids #homestuck meta #analysis

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chaseprice · 7 years ago

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hey i’ve been thinking. who wants a very MILD opinion from me…… the stars don’t symbolise rachel, but neither does the fire.

all that the fire/stars symbolise is like.

1, fire: chloe’s life being a fucking mess / looking out for danger/issues in her relationships / not being reckless by getting caught up in fantasies which’ll end up hurting her(& rach)

2, stars: hope for the future / chloe being loved and supported by rachel/max regardless of conflict / looking out for the good stuff in her life / not giving up despite impending fights/conflict/cheating/difficulties/strain

it really felt like william was telling chloe to stick around, you know. chloe’s been falling behind in life and getting depressed and flunking in classes and shit, and we know that she has incredibly low self worth at the point of lis1. chloe just needs reasons to keep going. william would want her to keep going, and chloe knows that deep down – despite him being absent from her life, she still gets comfort from him when she feels totally alone, when others aren’t giving her the support that she needed so desperately at that time. she falls back on him. she knows him. and knows he’d want to help. the stars are chloe’s future. the stars are a way of saying “keep going on”. that’s what chloe needs. needs to know that she hasn’t been abandoned by max forever, people do like her, she will get the support she needs eventually from rachel and max, her life is worth living. the bad things which have happened to her – the troubles she is going to face in the future – do not reflect upon her worth as a person. she is good. keep holding on.

maybe fire represents parts of rachel’s actions. forest-burning = destructive, bla bla bla. but in chloe’s dream later in the episode, william’s there telling her that rachel needs her, that chloe should help her, that they should be there for each other. if rachel was like, some inherently dangerous heathen that chloe should stay away from because all she wants to do is ruin lives, then like, it makes no sense that this whole game is about these girls helping each other through rough times. the fire =/= rachel as a person. the fire represents the loss of control that BOTH of these girls face in their lives, and getting caught up in fantasies which, at the age of fifteen and sixteen, will not work out. it’s about expectations leading to pain and hurt. it’s about the turbulent nature of the beginning of amberprice, for sure, but not in a, ‘oh, amberprice sucks, it’s so problematic’ way. it’s william warning chloe to stay safe. ‘cause relationships are hard.

the scene this symbolism was introduced in was totally beautiful but also like, i h8 it in a way because. dontnod wanted chloe to die in the future. just straight up fucking die. regardless of how you interpret the stars, whether you think they symbolise max returning to her soulmate, or rachel saving chloe from the shitty things happening in her life – … dontnod still wanted her to die. bad shit happens to her. regardless if she hears out “william”‘s “warning” (w/ the fire). she continues to get abused at home, her best friend/lover holds back the truth from her and then goes missing, she gets drugged and assaulted, then killed/has to live with knowing her existence has SOMEHOW caused the destruction of a whole town. lis was like, fucking disgusting. so… like…. ‘things will get better, theres a greater beauty yet to come… before you get fucking emotionally tortured and die?’. it makes no sense. in fact, it just makes me believe even Harder that lis1 wasn’t canon. that rachel doesnt go missing, that max returns, that the three of them live happily together. it’s fucking cruel to include symbolism referencing a happy fate for chloe when we know what dontnod wanted to happen to her. (and like, no doubt some idiot will be like, well she can die and be in heaven with dead rachel, isn’t that cute? no. no it’s not it’s gross fuck off.) (( or someone will be like, well she enjoyed her years with rachel before dying – this is still bad, guys. this is bad. any chlo death is bad okay. plus the end of amberprice’s relationship was strained as hell due to the issues rachel was sadly going through at the time and the fact she didn’t feel like she could talk to people about them, leadin 2 dishonesty between chlo n rach… plus chloe’s life kinda like, turned to shit right before lis if u dont remember. so yeah. that’s just bad)) ….. but that’s gone way off topic. it’s just my way of saying like, the symbolism isn’t Extremely deep anyway, bc it’s fuckin. flawed. and i’m seeing you guys all fucking fight over whether it means that max is the good one or rachel’s the good one and its like. both are good. chloe loves both. nothing you say can change that. you’re just making a fool of yourself. in summary: y’all are using this dumb symbolism as fuel for a ship war when like, it’s completely pointless. it’s not about who’s better or whatever. they’re just messages to chloe. messages letting her know that she should keep going on. messages warning her to not get hurt by anything. they don’t reflect hugely on max and rachel as characters, chloe’s the most important part of this dream. it’s about her, okay!!!!! it’s about chlo chlo i’m telling you!!!!!! i’m making it all about my girl!!!!!!!!! my girl who loves both max and rachel!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s about her looking after herself. it’s about her holding onto a connection with her dad. it’s about reassuring her that she should always hold onto hope, keep going on, even when shit starts to get fucky. because it WILL get fucky. it DOES. it doesn’t mean rach is irredeemable or anything, it’s just. a warning. thats all. a warning that doesn’t even mean too much when you consider dontnod’s intended fate… it’s just, annoying. i’m still salty about lis1 so seeing y’all fight over it just makes me go like……. hhhhhh. it doesnt matter that much. chloe still gets hurt. but yeah anyway. it looks really silly when u use it as like, proof for one ship being superior/proof that one character is problematic. both girls are good who cares just care more about CHLOE and her WELLBEING ppLEASE i can’t do this all by myself. cant y’all just join me in constantly ranting about chloe and caring for her. ur not a true chloe price stan if you demonise any of the girls she falls in love w

#LiS #bts #life is strange

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cloudjumpervalka · 7 years ago

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sometimes and by that i mean a lot of the time, i remember how much elsa means to me as a character. in general she’s very mediocre in comparison to others, but she was there for me when i was hella depressed and she’s like a form of comfort for me now.

i was following the production of frozen for the longest time, let’s say about 5ish years before release? i was excited for it, i was disappointed in the changes made, i refused to believe the original elsa and anna leaked design images were real because they looked so bad, i read the script when it leaked and was mad at the conveluded plot.

but the movie came out during the semester of art school i got severe depression through. i had always dreamed of going to art school and working in the animation industry and i had a single thought that went in my brain a week before the semester started. it said i would never be good /enough/. it kept playing back over and over when i would turn in assignments. i did well in school, but the workload was a lot when you decide to take 3 studio classes at once. i started getting overly picky with what i considered to be good enough in my work and eventually stopped turning in assignments. sometimes i would have them “done” but it wasn’t good enough so i didn’t bother

i was living with my grandparents at the time and locked myself in my room to be alone a bunch. i didn’t socialize in classes and who i considered friends were out of reach. i had just started dating my bf a few months prior and the time zone/distance/etc was a new experience altogether. i was constantly scared i would lose my friends not just to distance but other personal reasons not meant to be shared on tumblr. my grandparents gave me my distance and i just spent a lot of time alone. i remember skyping with dean and staying up all night with him bc i didn’t want to be alone.

i got more depressed over time, i was just sad. i would try to fill the void with buying things i had left at home with my parents. i remember i would drive out to the mall. i would get a pretzel to eat. eat it outside the disney store, maybe buy something after. if not disney merch, i would go buy clothes. i had not been eating much aside from the almost daily pretzel and lost about 40/50 pounds within a span of 3 months. i just thought i was losing weight for walking around the city to go to classes and spent a majority of the money i had saved up over my childhood on clothes that i have never been able to fit in aside from those few months at the end of 2013.

the day the game grumps released that one wind waker episode about dans ocd story was released during this time. i watched that episode and immediately started crying bc i knew i wasn’t okay. i had completely changed in a span of about 2 months at that point. i was sad and didn’t know what to do. i constantly wanted to not exist and spent a lot of the time crying and sleeping and starving myself. i called my mom and asked for help. parents tried helping but they didn’t understand at the time what depression meant on that level. i told them maybe i could handle school better if i dropped one of the 4 classes i had. and of course i dropped the history class and not any of the studios. i made schedules and plans to complete the semester but i still. felt overwhelmed and not good enough and lonely and sad and frustrated at these emotions because i couldn’t just focus like a normal person. i lies to my parents to my grandparents to a lot of people that i was continuing my work but i stopped doing 2 of the remaining 3 classes altogether. ended up with withdraw failures in them.

the last class was my life drawing class. i enjoyed it a lot. i took a train into the city to go to it. i found peace in the hour listening to music to get there. i would talk to dean before he went to bed on my way there and greet him in his mornings when i went home. i thought i could handle it and it was going well. besides for the assignments that were meant to be done at home. we had a final that was meant to be an illustration showing our learned skills in the class in a 24x36in size. not bad at all. i got the paper, had the sketch. i just had to do it. but i didn’t. when i was in that room at my grandparents place i felt nothing but emptiness. so i filled it whatever i could think of

my hyperfixation of things soon moved to the release of frozen. i had followed it previously and was excited to go see it. i had bought the classic dolls for the main characters the day they were released and left them in box in case i didn’t like the movie and wanted to sell them. my immediate family came to visit my grandparents for thanksgiving that year and i asked my mom if we could go see frozen at it’s earliest showing on release day. she agreed because i lied to her saying my figure drawing class had been cancelled for the holidays (it wasn’t bc we were meant to show progress on our finals)

i cried so hard so fast bc whatever i was feeling i felt through elsa. i projected so much onto her and i fell in love. it gave me a second wind. i bought the frozen soundtrack and would sing along to let it go on the way to the train station. i felt like i could overcome my depression as simple as that. but circumstances don’t work like that

i never turned in that final despite it being the assignment where “if u don’t turn it in u fail”.

i dropped out of art school, telling my parents maybe i wasn’t meant for art. i’m not good enough to make it in the industry if i’m like this. i was gonna go home and go to the local state college instead. get a degree in something ... useful.

i left art school with a total gpa of 0.9

elsa is a character that’s just. i never understood the popularity frozen had. it has problems. it’s ... not that great honestly. but elsa stood out for me. she was some sort of proof to me i could be happy.

a lot has happened in the past 4 years, but i can say i’m honestly happy. i have a lot of good things going on. though i think the most important to this story i guess is ?

i’m graduating with my bachelors in art in may. my gpa is back at a 3.6. i took 3 studios classes this semester on top of 2 art history lectures and made it through. i thought so little of myself and my abilities over the years. i never thought i’d graduate college at that point i was at 4 years ago. when i applied to my local uni, i had to appeal to get in because of my low gpa from those 4 semesters of art school. i spent 2 years there not knowing if i even wanted to do art again. but i realized this is something that’s always been a part of me. it’s who i am? and i want to use this talent i had to. make it in the industry. my dream for as long as i can remember is to make media for kids who feel lost and alone. it’s always been my dream and i won’t let anyone or anything keep me from trying my hardest to make it happen, which includes not letting myself stop me.

i don’t know what the future holds but i’m excited to see where it takes me

and it just happens to involve me and my fleeting hyperfixation on elsa asking for the olaf’s frozen adventure limited edition elsa doll for chrismas because i want to say i look at her and think everything i just said

but in reality i just go shheeeees my wiiiiiiiife i looooooove herrrrrrrrr

#jesse writes an essay about their life #i think this is worth it for the last sentence #pls if u wanna know more about me i guess #jesse thoughts

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