#i have adhd and i made this in 2 hours
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Arthur Pendragon
'Woodtangle' by Mary Ruefle (excerpts)
#is this about arthur's internalised views towards magic or his internalised homophobia? both! that's the whole show babey#(the poem is not about either of those things but it works ok)#I hope this makes sense to literally anyone else because it is 2:30am and I have work tomorrow and I made this in a bout of adhd hysteria#I have to be awake in 5 hours why the fuck did I do this#arthur pendragon#merthur#merlin#bbc merlin#merlin meta#merthur meta
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Buster Moon Stimboard !!
For my Sing friends still out there, here's some food for y'all
🤍 💙 🤍 | 💙 🐨 💙 | 🤍 💙 🤍
Totally non-abrupt segway to a sentimental message:..
I just wanted to thank all of you for hosting such a lovely and wholesome fandom. I love we're a small community, but y'all have always made me feel so extremely loved, and I'm glad have had y'all be my first and sofar only fandom experience.
Please never stop making art and writing stories!
#I want to keep making sing videos so bad but there's a large assortment of reasons preventing me from doing so#(i say that like I haven't made a vid in like half a year)#anyways for starters I've fallen out of my over1yearlong Sing hyperfixation#It's kinda difficult for me to have motivation to spend hours on a video for a movie that I don't quite insanely love anymore#I've also been struggling to find time to watch the movie even though I very much have the time#something yada yada about ADHD and extreme time anxiety#I hope you all understand#(oh yeah also mental health has also been a detrimental but like ermm let's not talk about that y'all don't gotta hear about that lol)#ANYWAYSSSS#love y'all and please keep the fandom positive!!#buster moon#sing movie#sing 2016#sing 2#sing 2021#mysing#koala stim#moon stim#star stim#blue stim#white stim#grey stim#eating stim#tie stim#red stim#fur stim#gray stim#yellow stim#stim#stimboard
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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me
#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life#I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever#my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified#and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn#in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc#don’t get me started with math#I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did#(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class#throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe#to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah#like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think#I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late#without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car#anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related#adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of#when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc#depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress#I’m not sure why im making this post#kibumblabs
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god please let me sleep a full uninterrupted night tonight or I will do something about it. amen
#i gotta stop saying kms sorry#but i cant take this anymoreeeee tbh#im 99% sure its the modafinil. i already have insomnia but then after i finally fall asleep i cant stay asleep for more than 5 hours#and then i cant fall back asleep. its been almsot 2 weeks of this. i cant do it anymore. my fatigue is WORSE NOW bc im not sleeping enough#which. the medication is literally supposed to be helping with. the literal thing its supposed to be helping is worse now#and he said it would help with my adhd. it is not. my focus and motivation are exactly where they were before. as is my fatigue#the only difference is now i have even more sleep problems. but i cant get any other adhd meds theyre all out of stock#i cant fucking fall asleep AS IT IS and this has made it so much worse and i have to drug myself even more heavily to sleep#which makes me More Tired the next day. on top of the lack of sleep. i cant do it#mia.txt
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wondering why im so fucking sleepy for no reason then remembered I forgot to take my meds for 3 days
#how did i live in this world unmedicated like#i have always been this sleepy and tired all the time i just thought it was a personal flaw#taking adhd meds actually made me so#idk when i first had it i coulsnt stop telling my friends how awesome it was to be awake#its like theres no longer a heavy cloud over my consciousness 80% of the time#i could actually read books without dozing off it was amazing ..#so why did i forget...idk i just forgot. i have the forgot disorder#tbh a few months ago id know if i forgot my meds bc I'd just suddenly get sleepy in the middle of the day#these few days i just attributed it to academic stress and lack of sleep and what not but it only just occured to me like#uh#5 min ago#that this is how i feel without medication#cool. cool. i forgot about my brain condition and accidentally slept my whole morning away instead of writing my reports#its actually crazy to me that i need external influences to function normally like i need my awake pills#caffeiene doesnt even do shit for me#i need my stupid fucking cocaine#sorry im just angry at myself again for 1)wasting away hours being sleepu#2)forgot my meds made me remember my debuff. a reminder that i cant ever be normal#adhd is fun except when its not fun then. it fucking sucks#its only good for yapping
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ffuuCCKK my hyperfixations are hyperfixating again and it's that time where I get violently "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY INTERESTS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE" again
This is literally me right now, had to quickly whip out MSPaint to visualize my crippling feelings
I swear the next time one of my interests is brought up I'm making a youtube video essay script about it I need to get it out before I [REDACTED]
#y'ever get so violently autistic about your interests#like I'm gonna scream and climb the walls like a feral cat if I can't rant to you for the next 5 1/2 hours abut the Markiplier timeline#there is no need for that man to have made an edgy internet joke into an ENTIRE CINEMATIC UNIVERSE#AND NOW HE'S ONE UPPING EVERYONE BY MAKING A WHOLE ASS FAN MOVIE#Eddsworld should be ashamed of itself because this bastard pulled an entire professionally done movie out of his ass#while we sit here with a barely finished fan movie#no hate to the people who worked on it and put their heart and soul into it#animation is hard#but FUCKKK HE TOTALLY JUST SHIT IN OUR CHEERIOS#first the FNaF movie NOW THIS#He knows what he's doing#jay talk#fuck talk jay rants in the tags cause he treats it as a P.S.#not even P.S.#a whole seperate paragraph for a college style essay#I'm not kidding about the "making my autism + ADHD (AuDHD? Is that it?) hyperfixations into a YT video essay#I'm already making one about a show that doesn't deserve it
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my body doesn’t Hate me, per se. It just Loves being an annoying little shit
#my post#i feel a little bad about complaining about it sometimes#because it’s not like i have super serious afflictions#and we’ve gotten some handled through this or that#but. i’ve just got. such an extensive collection of#‘‘bodily things that would be fine individually albeit annoying; but i’ve got all of them so it makes for a frustrating existence’’#subacute eczema. the worst of the bunch. only on my hands but very itchy and still eczema#scapular winging or whatever they call it when you can pop out your scapulas at will.#not very bad at all. the least offensive. just aches sometimes and makes me worry#some tinnitus. a tad annoying. i hear it most when it’s quiet or i’m inside. sometimes it flares but not often. tuning it out isn’t too har#chronic rhinitis. i got some surgery(?) for this one. lotta nose sprays.#my nose is almost always congested and runny and going anywhere without tissues is dangerous.#dry lips. also not altogether that bad it’s just annoying and it gets cracked and sometimes painful to open my mouth too wide ig.#we manage that one well with whatever lip products my sister gave me. it’s not very bad#dandruff? maybe? is it dandruff or just scalp skin? i got no clue man#and you’re like. ‘‘okay you’re right those are all quite annoying. but is it really that bad?’’#and i’m like ‘‘No. but have you Considered that i have to deal with them all at Once?’’#BUT THAT. ISN’T EVEN IT. ‘CAUSE IT’D BE ONE THING IF MY BODY WAS JUST BUILT LIKE THAT. BUT MY BRAIN HATES ME TOO.#BOOM. dermatillomania!! i pick at my acne a little. under my nails. the hard skin under my nails.#my scalp! until it’s itchy and there’s a little bit of blood! i gently pull at my eyelashes a little bit and rub my eyes.#and. get this. dry and flaky bits of skin. GUESS WHERE I HAVE FLAKY BITS OF SKIN. OH THAT’S RIGHT: THE SUBACUTE ECZEMA ON MY HANDS.#it’s better now it really is but i have spent hours picking at it after i’m already all set for bed. 2-3 hrs over a trash can picking at it#‘‘yeah okay that’s bad. but-’’ BOOM. ADHD or at least fidgeting. i fidget most by picking at idk All of the aforementioned.#‘‘oof yeah that does actually suck-’’ BOOM. OCD!!! now that one is the REAL kicker that one fucking hates me#just take all of the above and assume i have some vaguely annoying compulsion tied to it.#and it wouldn’t be so annoying sometimes if it weren’t for the fact that i deal with it all every day kind of#so correction: my body doesn't necessarily hate me it’s just that my body has shaken hands made deals about which exact disorders and bodil#irritations i need to collectively make living incredibly annoying.#thank you for coming to my TED talk. cue the world’s smallest violin or whatever
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It has been the longest week and it’s not even over yet I’m gonna be so burned out next week
#Tuesday was prep for work event#Wednesday I got up at fuckin 4:45 and left home at 5:45 for said work event#which was a 3 hour drive#worked like 12+ hours#didn’t get home till 10pm#woke up early as fuck again this morning to go to my adhd appt 2 hours away#tomorrow I’m going back to work but I’m going in early so it’s gonna be another early day#plus therapy if therapist doesn’t cancel#lol#then on Saturday my bf made plans for us to hang out w his friend and his gf#which is fine it’s just I have to mentally prepare for it and honestly I feel spent and the week isn’t even over yet#:’)
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post that’s like ‘u Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sick’ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasn’t so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. i’m that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i don’t write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and that’s obviously not sustainable. but idk if it’s adhd or what but it’s So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then i’m Goin’ and i can’t stop until i’m Done or i collapse from ignoring my body’s needs lmao#it’s something i should make an effort to do though bc i’d love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! 🎉#i got the follow-up to last year’s Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the ol’ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didn’t put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik they’ll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that i’ll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt • 2. HiH Ch.3 • 3. [N]MbD small fic • 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then i’m gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then i’ll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i also wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe i’ll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year 😭#anyways ik i’ve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so don’t put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. i’d really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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I officially finished my 4th iwatex game, and am somehow already halfway through my 5th
I have 96 hours logged. I started playing this game only 10 days ago.
Heck.
#speculation nation#averaging 9-10 hours a day like. ok yea that sounds about right. but Ugh#the good news is ive got my doctor's appointment in 2 days which will hopefully give me adhd meds#which should hopefully help with my executive dysfunction and hyperfocus issues. Smiles.#i really do love this game and im enjoying it immensely. i just also have Shit To Do.#gonna do things tomorrow. i am. im even going to bed at 1 am today and not 4 am! wow!#or 5 or 6 am. which i have been guilty of several times while in the throes of this game.#just. chewing on it. gnawing on it. it is so immensely compelling to me. genuinely.#the exploration and wonder of nature. the growing up and becoming more troubled#the slowburn childhood friends to lovers trope. also Sym. just. Sym. my goth alien boyfriend u are my favorite fr#AND the refreshing takes on gender and sexuality. it's so freeing.#ive seen this game compared to persona games too. which no wonder i like it so much (says the decade long persona fan)#idk it just feels like a game Made For Me.#it has some flaws and some things i wish i could do within it. but even still. it is so so good#im almost doubtlessly going to be writing something for it. the only reason i havent started already is bc im so short on time#for doing my reverse bang fic lol. im trying to wean myself off the game so i can focus back on writing that.#but Afterwards... oh yes. i will write that dys/sol/sym fic that ive been dying to write. mark my words.
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*voice of a girl that zonned out 2 hours ago and does not now what is going on*: I Sleept 0 hours last night and is totally functioning
#i have been cursed by the insomina gods#yesterday i rejoyenced realising i regularly was gotton 7-8 hours of sleep in the nights of the holiday period#and overall my insomina has been looking up recently#like im talking up to 6 hours on a school night sometimes! (yes sometimes sschool starts at 11 but i still hav to lissen so is still school)#so the gods cursed me for being a celebratory duck and made me get 0 hours of sleep#no ajustment period to return to my insomiac fays to get used to the feeling of heavy eyelids like brics i cant hold open#this was w no changed to my routine btwwww en no extra stress specifically on that day i had not before had#so yeah fate was basicly like now that you have engnolged that ur improving i have to put you back to squere 1#like a smakes and ladders board game but with numbers on the blokths#*SQUARES that js the word#how is it that this time last year i was regularly dealing w this shit and going through a functioning day like this#cant be me now#i have been spoiled by the sleep god and now i no longer now how to work on 0 hours of sleep an unmedicated brain and a crushing headache#(and it used to be that the days were i did get sleep i only got ever like 3-5 hours never any of this 7 hour shit i had saved up yet i#surviveded) i am no longer surviving succesfuly#my brain is too priocrepied trying to kwep my eyes open it cant think properly#there was a market today but i dint have the energy to go wich is a shame#also i am litterlay buried in dealdimes that i couldnt motivate myself to work on before i insominaed again so idk what ill do now#cry mabey but i am not feeling tears it is the buring jeeping my eyes open and they are not tears they are the regret of 3am me#insominac#insomnia#adhd#sleep#fail at life if lige is sleep and it is sleep in actuality#NO SLEEP BITCH LIKE COULD YOU NOT GAVE AT LEADT GIVEN ME 1 OR 2 HOURS JUST FOR FUNSIESES
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My first time to the psychiatrist as myself, last time the body went there was 10 years ago and it didn’t go well for the people I used to be.
I’m stressed out of my mind.
#my art stuff#vent#rambles#I don’t want to ever make a habit of posting ventart here#it’s good the times I need it but I don’t want to pull myself down that spiral the others went down by posting mainly vent art#I’m just extremely stressed today and have been the past few weeks#I have no idea what specific thing the appointment is about#most likely for ADHD or Autism#but there’s a chance it’s for my DID#which was (unknowingly at the time) the cause for the others going there#and that half year or so that they ran tests on me and stuff really stressed me out#made me terrified of hospitals in general (ironically besides dentists)#if the lines look a little shaky it’s because I’m genuinely terrified#I have my appointment in 2 hours from now#Entity#disociative identity disorder#DID#Personified cloud#anxiety#stress#trauma
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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit
#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life#its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help#and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning#thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety#and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen#until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again#these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working#im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED#after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.
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it has been a day
#i want to scream into a pillow and cry#did i learn from the last time i had coffee??? noooooo#i draank two cups and nearly broke down during art class#cause the tidy good artist kid and and the hyper all over the place ADHD kid#have decided to become mortal enemies since we made them sit at ther same table#and the head art teacher doesn't want to change it#because she thinks they should learn to get along#so i have to listen to them argue as only children on the cusp of middleschool can#and then grab a different adult to take care of it cause i empathise too strongly with both of them to be the bad cop#...i should save this so i can reference it while trauma dumping on my therapist tomorrow#and also my cat escaped like 2 minutes when i came home and i have spent the last hour debating wheter i should try and catch him\#or just let him be#and now i have to leave in 15 min for another thing#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Depression/PTSD recovery is wild because you could be doing greater than you've ever been in your life but then one small thing happens that reminds you of "that time" and suddenly all of the past emotions flood back into you and you feel like you're back to being the kid who's crying and shaking in the corner wondering if the people closest to you would be so much happier without you
#im being accused of faking my disabilities again and having them used against me#my mom hasnt talked to me for 2 days because of a shower chair being in the wrong spot#and said i use my adhd as an excuse to be stupid#and then i conftonted my partner about how he broke his promise to call me 3 days in a row#and he was drunk and saying things about how i cant understand how exhausted he is working 12 hr days (valid)#but then started calling me privileged for ''being able to sit at home all day and do nothing''#(he knows that im only stuck in bed on my bad days and that i definitely do not do ''nothing'')#so i asked him to call me back the next day(sunday) when he was sober. he never called me so i had to call him. he was drunk#so i got mad that he couldn't even stay sober for a COUPLE OF HOURS to talk to me#when hes sober hes super understanding and will take my feelings into consideration immediately#but he kept taking me confronting him as an insult and started calling me names like lazy and a crybaby#and this is the person who has always treated me perfect otherwise and does everything he can to make me feel better#and his personality COMPLETELY SWITCHED and he sounded exactly like my abusive exes#i sent him recordings of the call and he sent me 2 messages saying hes sorrh and hes gonna work on his drinking and was gonna call yesterday#then i didnt hear from him again and while he was ignoring my calls he made a post on fb (that he never uses) that he wasn't going to be#talking to anyone for a while because im the only person who cares about him#and i commented and was like hello??? im that one person and you're actively ignoring me?? and he deleted the post????#he didnt even send a message saying he wouldnt be able to call me#he never answered but when i called him today while he was at work he just responded ''cant talk im at work'' and i was like yeah ik but#im trying to get your attention because you wont tell me whats going on#and begged him to call me after work#hes acting like a completely different person now and i have a strong feeling that it's because at the place he works at in texas#they're made to work all day in a 110° warehouse#and with his insomnia and having to be at work between 3-5am he's barely sleeping while doing all of this#so im hoping his behavior is just a symptom of heat exhaustion and lack of sleep#because this isnt like him at all#im begging and begging for his attention and affection the same way i did with my abusive exes and my mom#i dont know what's going on
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sorry for the aro & aplat positivity spam sudden ly I thought about my identity too hard for a second and then got really giddy and happy . it might happen again 👍
#pk;m encyclopedia🔵#and then that sudden happiness turned into sudden anxiety and panic Because I realized things about me are Contradictory#but then e-chem made the body eat some mac n cheese [👍!] and I felt better#so in short:#1. This thought project is still not finished [It's been like since Feb!!!! Hello!!!!!!!!!! Tbis should've been done BY Feb!!*]#[*SAYS THE GUY who's still used to these things taking literal Hours hashtag just source/canon things]#2. We have mental illness [emotional dysregulation].#3. We have mENTAL ILLNESS !!! [Emotional dysregulation. Again. Oh my god.]#I HAVE MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS THOUGHT but i Can't do the words rn On account of itlf i think too hard abt ot#the cycle will continue . Happy into Oh My God into Anxiety into Panic rinse and repeat#TBAT'S NOT NORMAL IS IT? no. I should... eat. more food.#tbat mac j cheese was rlly good I'm surprised HL didn't yoink front immediately#THAT RAMBLE *WILL* HAPPEN EVENTUALLY THOUGHT i like talking about myself. I like. *talking.*#i liek. Information :] and sharing and learning information. the brain foes not like that tjough which is why I only infodump to like#One person out-sys lmao . . Anyways!#We are out. Of our adhd meds! 👍!
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