#i have a very bad feeling about what’s going to happen tho
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You're much younger than Arthur. Maybe he doesn't mind as much as he thinks he does...
Low-High Honor Arthur Morgan x fem. reader who is younger than him.
Some head canons that ended up way too long 😭😔 hope you don't mind too much! I am 23 currently so these are really in the mind of reader being over 18 at least. At 23, Arthur is still way older than me so I guess it's just what does it for me! Includes both high and low honor versions. Thanks for reading!! and please let me know if you like them 😭
Warnings: NSFW 18+ only pls, Daddy Kink, Innocence Kink, Corruption Kink, nasty boy low honor arthur being toxic and manipulative (not too badly tho) its ok sweetie arthur is here to balance it out 😳💖💓🥹😳😭
:High Honor:
He had convinced himself that he was way too old for you and quite honestly shut that shit down the second he found his mind wandering to how pretty you were, your own natural beauty catching his eye. He can think you’re sweet and nice, that you understand him and go out of your way to talk to him. Doesn’t matter, he mentally smacks himself for thinking of you past anything like “mentor” or something. He might steal a glance once in a while but he feels bad about it every time. It’s just that, stolen, because in his mind, you don’t belong to him and you never will. He’s more than 10 years your senior, it makes him feel like a dirty old man. Arthur has a strange conflicted energy around you, like he wants to spend time with you but also doesn’t want to come off as creepy or too attached to something that can never be. If you make efforts to be around him, he does appreciate it and will stick around but he always cuts it sort of short.
Will subtly try to remind himself how young you are, referring to you as girl or kid to others or even to you. He has no idea you think that’s kinda hot. Will jokingly say you’re too young for certain things and thinks it’s cute if you pout and try to fight back against him. Holds alcohol out of your reach and clicks his tongue at you. When you point out the other young women in camp, he’s giving in but only a little, he still watches out for you. He’s protective in the sense that he does see you as someone who needs protecting. He can lie and say it's because of your age but really he just likes you and doesn’t want to admit it.
Anytime you try to get him to understand that you think of him as more than a vague father or brother figure, he’s missing the signs, straight over his head. Light jabs at his age, like calling him Mr. Morgan; make him roll his eyes a little bit but you can catch an endeared smile on his face. Truly a bit hard headed when it comes to noticing that you tease him with more than poking fun in mind. You have to find reasons to touch or kiss him on the cheek. He still might miss physical signs, real dumb dumb behavior. It’s impossible in his head that you would think of him like that.
If you can get him to open up, having emotionally charged conversations with him is a good way to get him to understand that you care about him at least. Arthur just likes to feel like you’re listening and that you like him enough to care about his thoughts and feelings. If you offer comfort to him in hard times, he’s lowkey simping for you…He can be very closed off, not all too willing to share his truths, especially with someone who may not even understand but if he can be himself around you and you don’t judge, he can forget his feelings about your youth for a moment.
It’s hard for him to initiate because he’s convinced that if anything were to happen between the both of you, it would be wrong or perverse in some way. If you tell him you like him, he might try to tell you otherwise, trying to get you to think differently of him. Suggests you find someone closer to your age or someone who hasn’t led a life like he has. It’s all really sad because he’s also insinuating that he’ll ruin your life in some way.
The first time he kisses you will be way too gentle, you’ll hardly call it a kiss. He thinks of himself as too rough for you so he holds back like 99% in an attempt to seem more like a gentleman. It takes you grabbing onto him and deepening your kiss for him to give you more. He’s gentle, hands on your cheeks, holding you like you’ll break if he squeezes too hard.
Expect a whole lot of “this ain’t right,” or “I’m too damn old for this,” at first. But once you get him to give in, there’s no going back. He gives you his all, no matter what. He does get a bit bashful making things official, especially when there's something to be said about it. John calling him something terrible for being with you like cradle robber or something puts a sour look on his face but he tries his best to power through it. “She ain’t a goddamn baby,” “She might as well be, how old are you again? Or did you lose count?” “Shut the hell up, John.” Hugs and kisses from you definitely make it worth it. He gets a bit used to it, letting things like that stop affecting him so much.
He thinks he doesn’t deserve you and some small part of him will always believe that you could still be better off with someone else but he gets greedier and greedier with you, the more you love on him, he doesn't want to even think of you with anyone else. He's still so confused that you think he is attractive at his age. He’ll show you pictures of him when he was young and he sort of expects you to say that he was more appealing back then. But you don’t; you just pet his face, his scratchy beard and his sun kissed skin. Arthur lets you see his soft smile when you say you love him right now, more than anything.
Taking your firsts might put a weird (not bad though) taste in his mouth. First kisses or virginity, he’s nervous he’ll come up short and not be what you're expecting. But his best is more than enough to make you happy. He wants to make your first experiences feel special and memorable, the last thing he wants is to put pressure on you, he just puts way too much pressure on himself. He ends up being just a little too gentle. He needs a lot of praise, a lot of egging on to get more confident. If you beg and plead for more, he can’t say no, he always gives you what you want. Getting him to be more “out there” is a little more difficult. He’s embarrassed to admit he might like when you playfully call him daddy or your old man. The guilt kind of turns him on but he has a hard time coming to terms with that. At his own pace, he’ll indulge more if you’re into it. You’re crossing some weird wires in his head, he swears. If you say it to him in the right context, he’s giving you a shocked look and a halfhearted scolding as he tries not to get turned on in the middle of what he’s doing. “You’re gonna be the death of me, girl,” makes you giggle at him.
:Low Honor:
He might also be somewhat against it but for different reasons. He thinks girls like you have high expectations and it annoys him. But if he thinks you’re pretty that’s what he thinks. He doesn't let anybody get too close so if he’s thinking about you as more, your age is not something that stops him from doing so. It does just take him some time to think about letting you close enough for anything more than his usual rude demeanor and standoffish personality.
The only way he'll know he likes you as a bit more than another thankless and ungrateful face in the crowd of people he begrudgingly provides for is if you thank him for bringing money or things back to camp. He gets a little quiet, trying to suss out ulterior motives but he thinks you’re quite adorable. Looks away and says it’s nothing. He’ll indulge you, doing things that are just for you, just to hear you say thank you again.
He teases you more, emphasizing how young you are, in a way that rubs him the right way. Calling you little girl, intimidating you with his size, or keeping you away from certain things like cigarettes. “These are for grown ups, sweetheart,” If you’re a brat around him, he likes a bit of brat taming. “Dunno, might need to take you over my knee if you’re gonna act like that,” has you gasping and stuttering out a clumsy response.
It’s easy to sway him into taking things further with you. He isn’t one for hanging around the camp, so close to everyone else anyway, he likes his alone time. Catching him when he’s by himself, smoking a cigarette, is a good time to get on his nerves enough to force his hand a little bit. Stand too close to him and run your fingers over the handle of his gun and ask if you can hold it, he’s so close to snapping. The look in his eye under the shadow of his hat makes you feel 5 degrees warmer. “You better quit playin’ games with me, girl. Not sure you know what you’re askin’ for,” Maybe not the best idea to defiantly ask him to show you.
Then you’re sat on his knee, he’s pressing his mouth into yours, sloppy kisses with no regard for whether you think it’s too much for you or not. He’s shoving his tongue into your mouth, one hand to steady you and the other groping your tits. He’s mostly trying to get you to be as noisy as possible.
He’s really not guilty at all. Maybe a little but he doesn’t let guilt affect his actions. It may be true that maybe you could be with someone better than him but if you’re with him, you know what you’re in for. You’re his girl and there isn’t anyone else for you if he’s your man. Arthur may not admit it but in the back of his head, there is a voice that whispers to him that one day you’ll leave him behind. He overcompensates for it, doing what he can to see you smile, rather reluctantly asking if you’re happy with him once in a while. If you ask why, he’s unclear, “Jus’… makin’ sure,” your enthusiastic yes, followed by a kiss on his cheek actually flatters him a little, rubbing his neck, a quiet ‘good’ is all he has to say.
If he gets shit for being with you, he brushes it off. He might get flack from some well meaning people, Hosea or Abigail might tell him to leave you alone, that he should know better. But he thinks they should know better too, Arthur has very little restraint. So if a young pretty thing wants to be his girl, he’s not saying no. Any notions of how guilty he should be don’t come from him. He may think he’s a sinner and a bad man but those things don’t stop him from wanting you. And Arthur always gets what he wants when he can help it.
Arthur has never given too much thought about what women think of how he looks. He certainly doesn’t think too much of himself and knows he isn’t exactly in his prime, looks wise at the very least. He’s not too confident about his looks or his body really, he’s more confident when it comes to his abilities and skills. So if you tell him you like the way he looks, he isn’t gonna argue, just pleasantly surprised if he happens to believe you. There’s a chance he thinks you're lying. He knows there’s something perhaps a bit off with you, most girls your age don’t give him a second glance but does it stroke his ego when you stare at him, bite your lip when he grabs his belt, pulling all of your attention to the size of his hands and his crotch.
If you’re softer about your affections for him, he’s happy to accept them too, you’re his little angel, but he has every intention to pull you down from heaven to make you his. You can start with soft touches over his face, rubbing up over his shoulders and chest but he’s quick to pull you deeper with him. His teeth nip softly at your lips, his hands roam all over you.
He's eager to take your firsts, in his twisted little head, he knows he can regulate what you think is normal. He doesn’t have to play gentle and sweet, he bites and sucks marks on you, slaps your ass pretty hard. Arthur’s happy to have himself be the man that ruins you for other men, he’s your first and your last.
Sorry but he’s kind of toxic, he likes the way you do things like kiss him, or touch him, take him in your mouth; but sometimes he puts on a little bit of an unimpressed face, not exactly bored or anything, just enough to see you try harder to please him. He always gives in; especially when he can tell you’re trying. His proud little smirk and affection are something you might have to work for. Your inexperience is the perfect opportunity to have you eager to make him happy.
Huge innocence kink, he loves to corrupt you, teach you about what a man does with a woman he likes. Even better if you have no clue, or you think babies come from kissing or something, god is he eager to fuck all of that up. He’s all for you calling him daddy too, the guilt or the imagery or whatever doesn’t do it for other people just makes it so much more appealing to him. Most of the time, he likes to keep your affairs private but once in a while, he’ll show out, just to show who you belong to. If people happen to overhear the racy things you two talk about and they give you a weird look, he just has a knowing smirk for the eavesdropper.
Can you tell that I think age gaps are hot? RDR let me fuck that middle aged man right neow!!! When will they let RDO be about dating Arthur Morgan??? 😔😔😔😔wish he was at least a fuckin stranger mission or something SIGHHHH anyway Thanks for reading and pls let me know if you liked it! Otherwise I'll feel like a freak LMAO
#so sorry this post may be too specific to my tastes but if you get it you get it lol#arthur morgan x reader#low honor arthur morgan x reader#arthur morgan x you#high honor arthur morgan#red writes#red dead redemption 2 community#rdr2 x reader#red dead redemption 2 x reader#high honor arthur morgan x reader#arthur morgan#low honor arthur morgan#arthur morgan x female reader#rdr#red dead redemption 2
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Jealous aruani are fun and all, but...what if it's their friend that's the reason for the jealousy??? No love triangles.
Annie suddenly feels a twinge of irritation when she sees Pieck say something to Armin and they laugh together. Or maybe Armin overhears gossip about how Annie Leonhart and Connie Springer look so cute together. The next time he sees Connie, his stomach twists. And it's terrible!
Considering how Armin and Annie both have self-esteem issues...well, I can see how that could happen. Irritation, doubt, jealousy, and self-loathing for feeling that way about a friend. it's just painful, stupid and awkward. I have no idea how they will solve this😗
Hello jealousy anon! As promised, and thank you for the ask, it made me laugh xD
Because of-fucking-course there's nobody more capable of causing problems for Aruani off more than their very own family xD If you ask me, outsiders don't have the type of talent the other four have in creating misunderstandings and unnecessary chaos xD Plot-required-3rd-party-love-interest who? Move over, here's Connie the Springer man!
At first it's all quite unintentional. Connie spends time with Annie because Circumstances and Coincidence and hardly notices Armin's watery puppy eyes gazing at him from a depressing corner. It's not like Armin ever says anything out loud either because of course, he's happy! He's happy Annie has a silly friend that makes her laugh and forget that she's awkward and possibly frightening around people. He's glad Connie comes prepackaged with a whole lot of shitty jokes that happen to tickle her. He's really fucking glad Connie treats Annie like he treats everyone else!
But. Connie can also... dance. Really well. Like the guy's got those moves and can easily take Annie for a nice spin. He also... makes her laugh, like... a lot? A lot lot? Hm.. has Annie ever laughed like that with me? Uh... yeah, nevermind that, um- oh god, Connie's been looking pretty nice lately in those suits and he's rather good with the whole easy-fashion thing and uh- well shit, it's Connie, he's my friend, he's not- no, I mean, that photo in the newspapers was just an accidental shot, of course Annie was just laughing at his bad joke but well... she did look really happy with him and, oh shit--
Man.
Pieck on the other hand, doesn't fuck with people more than necessary. I don't actually see her getting *too* close with Armin but they do become very good friends! They have a lot in common, (for example music) and vibrate on the same atomic level of "yeah this is wrong and backhanded and probably will get us arrested in 18 countries but lets do it hehe". Hc that they probably get off to a slightly rocky start as Pieck doesn't put much faith in Armin's "naivete" and harbours resentment for his blowing up of Liberio's port, but as time goes by, they grow closer!
Maybe... too much closer for someone's liking 💀
Because okay? Annie gets it, she finds politics too boring and her takes end up being too cynical and skeptical in the room. Technically, she's glad Armin has someone in Pieck who will humour his ideas with a generous (but nice) dash of realism. Also, they enjoy picking out records together and she often finds them nodding their heads to a new tune once home.
She's glad, okay?
She is, she really is-
*sound of a thigh being stabbed followed by sounds of Reiner screaming*
Pieck is a cheerful girl tho 🥲
On a serious note, both Aruani are going to feel like total crap about this jealousy tho. Because as you said, it's their friends, their literal family who they share a lot of time and space with, and if anything could be clear it's that none of them want to see Aruani unhappy. So its not real, it's not anything to worry about, it's all just in their heads-
And yet.
Tbh the extra funny bit about this is gonna be when Connie and Pieck realize what they're doing to their poor lemonheads xD
"What! We're making you jealous?! wHAaT?? ... Hell YEAH, LET'S TURN IT UP!"
🥲🥲🥲🥲
I mean what else did you expect lol, Pieck and Connie are that duo who are going to derive more entertainment from their very own organic, homegrown family-drama than the moving pictures being shown in the town-square.
Suddenly it's all: "HEHE Armin, I bought Annie CAKES, see? FIVE Cakes! FiVE delICIOUS cakes and *I* am going to give it to her! Me!"
and: "Annniieeeeeeee~~ Oh no, why the long face this morning? Btw did you know Armin wants kids? Like a lot of kids? He told me- oh, he didn't tell you? Hehe I thought you'd be the first to know hehehehehe"
Their approaches to fanning this dumpster fire are different 😌
Their solution when things get too Sad?? Lock Aruani up in a room. Always ends well.
#that's not to say Jean and Reiner don't end up pouring fuel on the fire#tho in their cases it's more unwittingly than otherwise#aruani#headcanon#armin arlert#attack on titan#shingeki no kyojin#annie leonhart#snk#aot#aruannie#armin x annie
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i’m very late to the party but aaahhhh ahhhhhh!!!! gideon the ninth is so good!! aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
#nearly done#i’ve mostly avoided being spoiled#i have a very bad feeling about what’s going to happen tho#based on what i vaguely now about the next book#aaaaaahhhhhhhh
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"likes don't do anything" they do
"there's no algorithm" there is
"well nobody uses the for you tab" I do
"reblog all art and fics you see" there's no thought put into that. if this does work on people, then it's just pity engagement borne out of guilt rather than genuine interest, which is arguably worse than having none, because it's totally hollow.
#if I make art of my ocs who I'm personally fond of and spent a few days drawing just right and it gets 3 reblogs then it gets 3 reblogs#it's rational to feel a little disappointed sure. but I can't do anything about that. it's just luck#and I got Very lucky accumulating a few thousand followers on my main-turned-art-only blog off the back of when m.oomin was very popular#(tho realistically many of those users are probably inactive/passive followers now)#and having this number of people tuned into my posts Still only gets me a couple dozen notes on original stuff.#every 3 years or so something might blow up. like that bugs bunny comic lol. and I did Not expect it to#especially bc it happened about a year after I shared it as well.#it can happen any time. so don't feel discouraged when your art doesn't get noticed right away#the one advantage this website has is that there's far less of a fomo culture compared to other socials where trends come and go in a week#and people will still interact with older posts. especially bc it's easier to find what you want through the tagging system. sort of.#there's really no way to predict this or aim for large engagement! oh unless you're specifically catering to the current hot topic#like d.unmeshi is wiiiildly popular right now. I've seen comics get 5-digit notes in under 48 hours 'cause more eyes are on it.#but if it's not something you personally like and you're only creating things for the attention then you're gonna be unhappy#and people will inevitably move on.#I'd much rather swing my art back around every few months or so until it finds someone it resonates with#than make people who were never planning to engage with it feel bad for no reason
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got the posting anxiety bad tonight
#click clack#ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go#ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog#BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me#because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art#like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public#and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot#a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement…#so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury#the original posts I put here#but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication#my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵💫#all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen#dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄#anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍#I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself#and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences#maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog…#I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔#idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art#just a slow drip until they are in the forefront#bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º_º )#I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨#or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out#I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad#post order compulsion????#the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts…#if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.
(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)
#Nevi Writes#things said by a guy writing a thing he doesn't even intend to be writing and it's like 10k of words now. >:[#while that's true I do want to emphasize that nobody should get excited about it right now tho okay#because like it's just. idk. I feel very much like it could end up not worth pursuing anyway. it's just a little baby wip.#(when the fuck did my little baby wips get to be 1/4-1/2 the length of my previous 'finished' stories!! what the hell)#it just feels nice to make words tho. and it does have that kind of 'ah good to catch up with these guys again' vibe which is nice.#even if the break has once again been like. on the order of days to a week maybe. I'm so bad at this taking a break business suddenly. lel.#but I don't have anything much to say about it at this point#other than I'm debating inventing a reason that presidential elections would have been moved by a couple of years between now and 2212#what is it with me and having to be so damn precise with dates in this whole narrative. am I just mad that Capcom never tries?#(yes) (so mad)#(and 2212 would actually be an election year is the problem. I want time to have passed but I also want there to be a pres. election.)#(it's fine don't worry about it)#(this is how I decided that Blucifer got bload up and then replaced also. weird reliance on mashing up IRL things and fictional explosions)#(but it's fun isn't it? got that veneer of verisimilitude. I'm good at long words)#idk this is inevitable isn't it. but I'm going to keep playing like it's not. I think I need a little more space for this one mentally.#the first one just sort of fell out of my head fully assembled and the second one did that also but with different vibes#though it did actually take some cutting things and adjusting things to make it work which Failure to Compile did not#Failure to Compile was bizarrely effortless until the mad editing dash. Outcome Unpredictable was WORK#fun work at least! but in hindsight it was definitely more work to make it flow properly.#the real job for the 3th if it happens is gonna be wrapping up threads without dropping new ones in bc that's such a habit of mine now
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honestly. being able to be honest with my loved ones about when i am Mentally Unwell but also Dont Want To Talk About It has done wonders for my mental health
#its nice just being able to tell people “im not okay! please dont focus too much on me tho!” and have them respect it#instead of doing things that will trigger me bc they are uncomfortable w the fact that im not okay#i deeply appreciate others sitting in their discomfort/holding the discomfort with me instead of comforting me#and like i get that ppl who offer space or time or comforts are trying to care for me but tbh its not welcome most of the time#bc when I'm upset often times it triggers deep emotional pain that only i can really manage by taking time to sit and calm down and Feel#(bc if not it becomes a flashback instead of Feelings from being Triggered) and having my attention diverted is actually distressing for me#bc i have to be grounded in very specific ways also that i just dont usually have the energy to explain bc like... i know how to do it?#and like also. i can just be Not okay. it doesnt have to be a Thing for me to acknowledge it#iderk what the point of this tag ramble is#im just like. really glad ive found people who understand that im not Avoidant just bc i have different needs bc of how my nervous system i#also if its not clear: please do not offer comforts for this. i am handling my own feelings and issues i just kinda wanna talk about it#also reminding myself its okay to not want to be comforted and that doesnt mean im Wrong or Bad or Resistant or Harming myself#(also ngl having a therapist who understands that certain coping skills may never go away but can be modified to be more useful is LIFE#CHANGING. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREEING IT WAS TO HEAR SOMEONE WHO ISNT CRAZY SAY “i can see how [these things] can be distressing and if you wan#to stop doing them we can explore new coping skills - AND if the distress from these coping skills is shame related we can work through it#and see what happens and its okay if you come out the other side using the same coping skills with a better understanding of yourself “#when most of my life every coping skill ive ever engaged in has been moralized (esp by therapists) and attempted to be beaten out of me.)#also I'm saying “comfort me” thru this bc even tho it's not actually comforting TO me when ppl do this ik thats usually their intent
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i start that new job tomorrow 😶 ...
#... im not sure if itll be a full day or just 'more paperwork/general tour/training' tho kinda hopin for maybe like a half day TwT;;#im very nervous and considering taking one of the old anxiety meds i still have#from when i was in therapy. except idk if theyre still in date + they made me feel like a zombie which is why i stopped taking them lol#like i was SO out of it on them. but would that be preferable 2 the feeling of Soon Entering Cardiac Arrest levels of anxiety im having rn?#maybe...#+ going to take a sleeping pill around 10 to make sure i dont stay up all night freaking myself out#jkdkjfhjjk can my brain be normal about this. i havent even started the job yet calm down!!! calm down!!! its ok!!!!#i just feel so bad bc everyone has been rly nice. like 'omg yay u found a chill job w insurance RIGHT before u get kicked off urs thats#great ik youll do well!!' and its like well what if i DONT do well what if i freak out again. and self sabotage. then what. like i KNOW#its bad and i KNOW what i SHOULD be doing but its like herding geese over here in my brain zone. painful and bad and i dont understand why#things happen at all its confusing and frustrating to deal with#logically i know i need a job. i need to pay my debts and start saving and I WANT to move out! but its like that fine dining and breathing#scene from spongebob. brain on fire. lol#sanchoyorambles
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#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight#bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired#but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do#like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point#why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying#and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened#from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out#like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going#to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks#ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do#when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced#and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions#and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this#will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun#and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up#and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me?#like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire#but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b#ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place#dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code#somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno#ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day#it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse#unrelated#i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard?#let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo
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Haha don’t pay me any mind oho
#vent#ok. so#I was! fine for the most part today! but then! idk what happened!#I’m like sad now! depressed? like. I kinda don’t feel real#I think I was giving myself anxiety over thoughts. got really clammy. literally shoveled goldfish crackers into my face#now don’t judge me but#I’ve been looking at things that make me feel bad for like. at least 4 hours now haha..#I dunno man it’s the adhd I got one thought about thing that made me upset and now I’m hours in and my emotions are fried#and. shh don’t tell anyone I feel things but I know have a fantasy of someone I can cry around#whehe how pathetic is that. scraping the bottom of the barrel here looking for another human just let me cry @ you#hmm. how did I go from thinking up poems for valentines only to. feel so cold and alone#I’m not crying. but. I definitely need to later haha maybe this all kickstarted from my two whole hours of sleep last night 😎#mhm so uh. if your reading this with the most cold unfeeling monotone voice then you are exceptionally accurate!i am currently not all here#can’t sleep now tho gotta. do other shit I guess#I’m laying in bed for a second though. my legs were very cold to the touch. unfeeling unhuman#oh and I might be balding potentially but that’s still just a theory. my dad noticed and pointed it out#haha what would I be withought my hair? another germ just populating this Earth?#oho ahh. hm. I’m just a trying to say I don’t fell right now if that makes sense. anyways
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I don't personally enjoy death in my stories for one because I have no experience with it personally and for two because you can't torture a character anymore once they've died 😇
#and I mean like perma death not talking abt any afterlifes and the afterlife in my story is based on DnD type deals#but even harder to get to like people can't just die and come back like nothing it is a PROCESS and NOT an easy one and also#not commonly practiced because it is rare to get it right (to be more direct it HASN'T been gotten right yet it's just a theory atm)#I never talk about my story or character OCs BUT I guess here's a taste of it#anyway I don't really kill off my characters but if I do experience a death of some sort then I probably will start writing abt it#but for now my characters are relatively safe also this isn't to say I'm unwilling to write abt death I just don't feel equip to handle it#in terms of a story revolving or somewhat revolving around a grieving process of some sort of dealing with all the different feelings#I dunno that stuff so I wouldn't write it as of right now#torture on the other hand#OH a good example for how I view the whole death thing in my story is kinda like Adventure Time#like that episode with Ghost Princess like ghosts and other paranormal stuff exist and are prominent#and they do go and meet with death thru a portal but that's like the surface level afterlife you can't really hit the deeper levels#unless you are dead and no one can see that stuff unless they are dead like when Finn dies we finally see what it's all like#as for like the levels and stuff I dunno abt all that I have like a very vague concept of how that would work but it's kinda like#beyond human comprehension y'know? that's how I view it and like death is PERMANENT and it's not suppose to be messed with#or bad things happen 👻👻👻#there are even more things abt it like little exceptions to the rules but the rules still apply even still it's just like#living on borrowed time or being forced to like#well I don't wanna get too much into that tho that's like super spoilers#but man I enjoy thinking abt it
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#its dumb of me but a few days ago i went with his deadname on google to see if i could see more stuff about his dead#since his friends who were alqo supposed to be my friends did a 'ceremony' together without telling me#even tho i rly wanted to go to be able to grief and to cry it out properly#so since i havent been able to grieve well i did that. search for his deadname. i just wanted to know#and i found out that a page for him was made on the tdor website. there were a ton of details on what was happening#before and after his death#many things i didnt know about. because i was a shit friend and never kept contact. and also because he was secretivz#i feel awful since then. who was i to him. why couldnt i help him. why am i even sorry for myself. he was the one suffering#i keep crying and i cant sleep at night without reading comics until i feel too tired to open my eyes#because otherwise im thinking too much about him. its just too awful. too unjust#i have. weird cravings for alcohol. ive never even drinked much before. im scared of starting to get addicted#but sometimes i wanna get somethibg anything and just drink until i pass out since people say its good to forget#i wish he were still alive. i wish i could hug him and help him. i wish id visited him in the hospital after his 1st mental breakdown#he had sent me a text to tell me he was there but i had work and i was tired and honestly too lazy to go. and now i regret it so bad#its all so unfair. death is so unfair. grief is so unfair. i was afraid i had no heart before because people who died around me didnt#phase me much. i didnt cry. but now that ive experienced the deaths of 2 actually very close people counting one i couldnt grieve forproper#i just wish i had no emotions. that i wouldnt cry when i think of them. but especially him.#and i cant stop thinking about how awful ill be when my parents die. ill be a wreck.#im just crying in my bed and its 4am. everythibg sucks. im so sorry to everyone whos ever met me. im awful#negative /#death m /#suicide m /
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KAOS SEASON 2 GOT CANCELED?????
STOP CANCELING QUEER SHOWS FOR FUCKS SAKE
#found out from the comments of jammidodgers video on it#looked it up#its fuckin true#im so fuckin mad#like are you fucking kidding me#and like. i try to talk to my parents about shit like this cuz like!! they liked ofmd and kaos!!! they want both the stories to get finished#but when i point out the queerphobia they just brush it off#like. the numbers were absolutely there for ofmd. but my parents just buy into that being the only reason it got canceled#and i just feel like im going fucking crazy#like. i get it. my parents grew up in Lawrence and had openly queer friends and it just wasnt like. a thing for them#theyre not gay or trans so they didnt experience any overt queerphobia themselves#and what they saw towards friends was fairly tame#and they know that its bad in some places. they know it still happens. but theyre still disconnected enough from it that#they just dont see it as a systemic problem even tho it very much still is#or they think queer shows getting canceled just isnt that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things but like#kaos had a main character who was trans. and it wasnt treated as a big deal. which is fucking huge.#like representation is fucking important and it feels fucking awful everytime we get just a tiny scrap of it only to have it ripped away#and thats not even counting how fucking annoying it is to get hooked on another new show just to have it get canceled before#the story can be finished#but the fact that it keeps happening to queer shows specifically. just over and over again. it just feels fucking hopeless sometimes
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thinking abt dove baek and how they've done a variety of illegal things to survive and they justify all of it bc it was for their survival right and as an adult they're avoiding breaking the law as much as possible bc they have to be a good influence for sparrow bc they don't want him to pick up any of their bad behaviors right but at the same time they're super nonchalant and open abt some of the stuff they did (there's some things that are going to stay buried forever thank you very much) so sparrow absolutely picks up on that energy and the first (and only) time dove has to come pick their son up after he's caught stealing they're incredibly upset – at him but mostly themself – and they fear for their LIFE bc it's totally going to be blamed on them and while karina isn't gonna hold it against them forever she won't be happy abt it and her parents will be even more upset.
meanwhile sparrow thinks he's done some cool shit and doesn't understand why everyone's not being chill about it
#minotaur // dove baek#the house // musing#minotaur // karina downing#dove it literally the most anxious they have ever been as a parent#while also fighting back the urge to give their son pointers bc getting caught? really bro#the only thing stopping them is the fact that they're the parent and reenie would not be happy at all if they gave their son tips#for breaking the law#sparrow is sitting in the backseat of dove's borrowed car just happy to be there#he 100% tells jason about it and the entire time dove is behind him giving jason a look that says#“do not fucking tell him that was cool do not do that do not give him advice i swear to god jason peter”#and jason. even tho he is a being of chaos actually listens lmao#karina comes over later and has dove go outside with her so they can have a talk & sparrow stays chilling with jay#it is. kind of awkward but again sparrow is happy to be there :)#karina and dove conversation is mostly them arguing back and forth w each other but they didn't want to do it in front of their kid#she's super pissed at them and they're pissed at themself so it's? not a great time#they cool off after awhile and they're chill again but they do have to go have a Serious Talk w their kid#for the record im imagining sparrow at like 13 or 14 when this happens#which adds layers to it bc i can see dove getting that call and finding out what he did and they flashback to what they were doing at that#age and how it wasn't cool for them and it's definitely not cool when he does it and it's just a little bit of panic#and it rlly sinks in that they've done some bad shit to survive and they don't want sparrow to ever have to do that#but like most things dove repressed that shit :)#oh and sparrow n jason dynamic is very good 2 me#jason is not his dad or parental figure at all really bc dove isn't pushing that on him#and he's also not just a stranger or only his dad's boyfriend#he's like a secret third thing#bc he IS important to sparrow fr#especially once sparrow was old enough to realize jason wasn't just his dad's cool friend that stayed over a lot lmao#and jay cares abt sparrow bc yknow? that's his dove's kid! he's been around since sparrow was rlly little he's been there! so even if he's#not a dad or overt parental figure or anything they're still important to each other#it's a family dynamic that doesn't like fit into a nuclear family format ya feel
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