#i have a very bad feeling about what’s going to happen tho
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How the brothers would react to a Fem MC on their period
I tried to include most of what happens during periods here. I myself have heavily painful ones that make me throw up and they cause me severe mood swings and break outs on my face (and severe horniness). But I know others can be light and only have certain aspects like breaking out or just mood swings instead so I tried to make it more inclusive.
Lucifer
He didn't know at first what a period was until you explained it to him. Once you did he decided to prepare ahead of time with chocolate, medicine, and heated pads/blankets. When it hit though with your mood swings and severe pain he was not so prepared. He internally panicked and took your attitude to heart but after everything was over he understood. He definitely didn't expect you to attack him or watch him with such lustful eyes. Again he knew you'd become like this but he still was overwhelmed not uncomfortable just surprised.(He is actually very afraid of you when on your period)
Mammon
His dumbass didn't know what a period was either. Explaining it to him is a long drawn out process but he eventually got the concept. He did forget though so when it did hit he panicked completely. Your mood swings made him bratty and he ate your snacks by accident causing more fights. When you are in pain he actually sits and holds you resting his hand on your lower stomach which helps a lot. He does love the amount of attention he receives when you get that horny hormone. He loves loves when you're handsy and won't stop talking about everything sexy he does. But gets just as confused when you yell at him randomly.He still doesn't like your periods.
Levi
He panics immediately he knows about them from looking them up online after an anime talked about them. And he for some reason thought you'd attack him from anger and hormones. You actually are quite content just definitely uncomfortable. He helps to the best of his ability providing you your favorite snacks and warm blankets even his warmth. What he isn't prepared for is your horniess. since your hormones are off the charts you are basically all over him and he cannot take it without blowing up. He does love it tho if we are being honest.
Satan
He read books on human anatomy then went on a whole rabbit hole of human reproduction then the human organs just a huge loop hole. He does know but never dealt with it in person. Once it hit you though he never understood how vast the reactions could happen. One day you'll be completely fine the next you'll look so drawn out and tired barley moving or awake. The next day be completely glammed up and the next sad and covered up completely. He gets thrown through it with you. He does however help with the pain hating seeing you in such a state. The horniness he also wasn't prepared for. He didn't mind being attacked and kissed all over but the aggressive horniness took him very off guard. (The fucker enjoys it)
Asmos
Of course he knew he knows all he could of the human body. He feels awful anyone with a uterus has to go through so much discomfort or pain. He has a period bag ready more so a whole corner in his room for you. He hates seeing your skin break out as well from the incoming headache. He even buys cotton underwear for you to wear. He has to keep his diva down with your mood swings or it'd be a hissy fit. The horniness is completely welcome and he knows the big O can definitely help with period cramps so of course he helps with no complaints.
Beel
He did actually know of this from Lilith since she was an angel she didn't exactly get them but she found out about them and rambled on about it to him. He knew comfort and understanding was what was important during that time frame. So he got the comfiest blankets from belphie a fan for if you become too hot and even medicine and a trash bag and can in case the pain is too bad you get sick. He is perfect for cuddling and getting warmth so he doesn't protest when you drag him down to cuddle. The horniness wasn't something Lilith said would happen tho of course he helped but still a shocker. The mood swings he genuinely didn't know what to do besides sit and wait for you to calm down a bit with puppy eyes (they usually work)
Belphie
Oh god does he know about it. Same with beel he learned from Lilith but he just hoped he would never have to deal with it. He of course was the king of comfort so anything soft and warm was right up his alley. The pain he had medicine for you but he also just suggested letting you sleep through most of it with his powers. The horniness wasn't unwelcome and he wasn't grossed out either just surprised you became that heavily attracted to him all of a sudden. He didn't enjoy the mood swings since you two already bickered It just worsened. He still cuddled you even if it was after a fight because he's too in love with you to stay away.
#obey me shall we date#shall we date obey me#obey me beelzebub#obey me headcanon#obey me x mc#obey me fandom#obey me scenarios#obey me belphegor#obey me mammon#obey me asmodeus#obey me leviathan#obey me lucifer#obey me satan#obey me belphie#obey me brothers
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Tbh even tho I’m not rlly tcc this is how I feel. I think we try so hard to make everything black and white a dehumanize people bc it’s easier when it’s wrong. Ask most people and they’ll agree humans aren’t just black and white and can just be human purely evil, but then are in denial of that once it starts to mess with their heads. I’m wording it very well but it’s something I’ve been thinking about.
This isn’t rlly the same at all even, but I’ve been thinking abt it often after having a convo with my black history teacher (he became one because he wanted to find out more about his enslaved great grandmother) and he talked about how the issue we have in society is dehumanizing people. That’s what the white slaveowners did to black people. They acted as if black people were inherently stupid, evil, lesser, etc as an excuse to treat them less than human. We then all agreed everyone is human ofc. He then said that’s why you cannot dehumanize the white slave owners either. He said you need to call out what they did and the issues, but you can’t just wrap it up as “oh they’re just evil”.
Not only is that harmful to them but mainly it’s harmful to black people actually. Same with the holocaust. If we just say “oh that was really bad” and then leave it at that, never dive further into the reasonings and why’s and how’s, it’s going to happen again. It has happened again because we’re so in denial and trying to protect our own minds because writing it off is so much easier. It’s disgraceful to do that in such a serious long situation. It disrespects what happened to those people.
Back to what the professor was saying, basically there’s a fine line you can cross when you starts to go from saying the facts and holding someone accountable to dehumanizing them and then dumbing down a complex, serious situation and affecting the victims even more.
What we need to work on as a society is prevention. Most people agree with this again, but then in the case of people we just wanna claim as evil throw that out the window because it’s easier for ourselves. I don’t want to excuse anything done but I think Kip Kinkel is a good example of the harms of black and white thinking as well as how our focus should be prevention, not just ALLOWING it to happen. We allow it to happen causing unneeded and innocent deaths and then the preventable harm and punishment of a person, who we then just attack and dehumanize. If parents and politicians spent more time working on these issues and mental health and understanding we wouldn’t have this in the first place, instead politicians and people immediately going to dehumanizing and blasting them in the media and public to create a notion about them as pure evil.
Because it’s easier and takes the blame off them.
If we just dumb down cases like that and other horrible events we do more harm for everyone. If you care about victims and about humans taking the time to understand the situation is one of the best thing you can do and what you should do, not dehumanization.
Anyways I have a lot a lot of thoughts on this so I’m sorry for the ranting and rambles it was kinda all over the place. I didn’t delve super into the whole slave convo but if it matters to someone yes I am black and these are the opinions of two black people and is no one undermining slavery, if anything it’s the opposite. Also I just woke up and I’m too tired to like spell check this so my bad maybe I will later I can handle the typo embarrassment for now.
"Tcc is corny please take a shower" is somehow a clear example of an anti having less human understanding and empathy than a tccer and view themselves as too morally superior to view them as humans we all are
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i’m very late to the party but aaahhhh ahhhhhh!!!! gideon the ninth is so good!! aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
#nearly done#i’ve mostly avoided being spoiled#i have a very bad feeling about what’s going to happen tho#based on what i vaguely now about the next book#aaaaaahhhhhhhh
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"likes don't do anything" they do
"there's no algorithm" there is
"well nobody uses the for you tab" I do
"reblog all art and fics you see" there's no thought put into that. if this does work on people, then it's just pity engagement borne out of guilt rather than genuine interest, which is arguably worse than having none, because it's totally hollow.
#if I make art of my ocs who I'm personally fond of and spent a few days drawing just right and it gets 3 reblogs then it gets 3 reblogs#it's rational to feel a little disappointed sure. but I can't do anything about that. it's just luck#and I got Very lucky accumulating a few thousand followers on my main-turned-art-only blog off the back of when m.oomin was very popular#(tho realistically many of those users are probably inactive/passive followers now)#and having this number of people tuned into my posts Still only gets me a couple dozen notes on original stuff.#every 3 years or so something might blow up. like that bugs bunny comic lol. and I did Not expect it to#especially bc it happened about a year after I shared it as well.#it can happen any time. so don't feel discouraged when your art doesn't get noticed right away#the one advantage this website has is that there's far less of a fomo culture compared to other socials where trends come and go in a week#and people will still interact with older posts. especially bc it's easier to find what you want through the tagging system. sort of.#there's really no way to predict this or aim for large engagement! oh unless you're specifically catering to the current hot topic#like d.unmeshi is wiiiildly popular right now. I've seen comics get 5-digit notes in under 48 hours 'cause more eyes are on it.#but if it's not something you personally like and you're only creating things for the attention then you're gonna be unhappy#and people will inevitably move on.#I'd much rather swing my art back around every few months or so until it finds someone it resonates with#than make people who were never planning to engage with it feel bad for no reason
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I think modern au Zhu SHOULD be the lesbian best friend trope to Ouyang except that its because this man is her pet project and gODDDAMIT she's gonna FIX him she's gonna MAKE him be BETTER she's going to SOLVE EVERYTHING and he will RESPECT HER (she is actively making him worse). She has a whole complex about it and everything. She has based a part of her identity on dragging this man up from his toxic funk and is fully convinced that if she tries hard enough he will eventually come to his senses and be an equal participant in this relationship. They have a terrible wonderful toxic loving codependent relationship that's neither a romance nor a friendship nor a rivalry but a secret fourth thing.
Predictably, this does not go well. The character arcs would be Zhu learning she can't fix a sinking ship and letting Ouyang fail by himself, and Ouyang learning to not be a shit person, actually, and coming out of his bubble of self-centeredness and working on himself instead of unloading his emotional labor onto the people around him. And they should both get to develop a healthier relationship with each other than what they had in canon bc queer solidarity is great and its even better when it's in the shape of some weird bullshit some gay people built out of the corpse parts of heteronormative romance (affectionate and completely unironic)
#brought to you by me thinking about the last half of HWDtW and how Zhu interacts with Ouyang post-betrayal#well. interacts with the concept of Ouyang. he kinda (spoilers).#she was unhealthily attached to Ouyang and honestly I think she deserves an universe where her whole deal is reciprocated.#but only AFTER i put them in a fully self sustaining terrarium jar and sic the emotional isopods on them.#that part comes first bc my personal entertainment is CLEARLY the most important thing here guys#the radiant emperor#my thoughts#zhu yuanzhang#OHHH AND ALSO i think Zhu and Ouyang should get to have their weird little gay relationship#while their partners stare in accepting horror.#ma would be supportive bc she knows how important this impressively awful man is to her girlfriend#but rest assured she DOES NOT like him. she will (very politely) bitch about him to Baoxiang and then feel bad about it#she shouldn't feel bad tho bc Ouyang deserves it and Baoxiang repeatedly reminds her of this fact#eventually ouyang grows on her.#kinda like the bowl of mold in the back of the fridge you've developed an emotional attachment to.#he shouldn't be there but now she feels bad about evicting him into the trash!#(she feels significantly less bad about evicting him into Esen's appartment)#Esen has even less of a clue what's happening with Zhu and Ouyang.#he just knows that Zhu is important to Ouyang and also is 90% sure that they fucked at some point.#30% sure that they are still fucking but he grew up around Baoxiang and Ouyang#he has learned Not to Ask! he does Not Want to Know!#and anyways it's none of his bussiness who his bestie/person that he wants to adopt a horse and grow old with/hot roomate is fucking!#its not his problem! he is not invested! he is not going to think about it! there is no reason to think about whos in Ouyang's pants!#he is not thinking about anything involving Ouyang's pants at all! much less about the inside of Ouyang's pants!#and since hes not thinking about it bc theres no reason to think about it then he cant have a problem with it :)#so he wont ask!
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got the posting anxiety bad tonight
#click clack#ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go#ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog#BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me#because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art#like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public#and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot#a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement…#so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury#the original posts I put here#but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication#my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵💫#all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen#dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄#anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍#I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself#and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences#maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog…#I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔#idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art#just a slow drip until they are in the forefront#bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º_º )#I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨#or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out#I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad#post order compulsion????#the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts…#if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.
(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)
#Nevi Writes#things said by a guy writing a thing he doesn't even intend to be writing and it's like 10k of words now. >:[#while that's true I do want to emphasize that nobody should get excited about it right now tho okay#because like it's just. idk. I feel very much like it could end up not worth pursuing anyway. it's just a little baby wip.#(when the fuck did my little baby wips get to be 1/4-1/2 the length of my previous 'finished' stories!! what the hell)#it just feels nice to make words tho. and it does have that kind of 'ah good to catch up with these guys again' vibe which is nice.#even if the break has once again been like. on the order of days to a week maybe. I'm so bad at this taking a break business suddenly. lel.#but I don't have anything much to say about it at this point#other than I'm debating inventing a reason that presidential elections would have been moved by a couple of years between now and 2212#what is it with me and having to be so damn precise with dates in this whole narrative. am I just mad that Capcom never tries?#(yes) (so mad)#(and 2212 would actually be an election year is the problem. I want time to have passed but I also want there to be a pres. election.)#(it's fine don't worry about it)#(this is how I decided that Blucifer got bload up and then replaced also. weird reliance on mashing up IRL things and fictional explosions)#(but it's fun isn't it? got that veneer of verisimilitude. I'm good at long words)#idk this is inevitable isn't it. but I'm going to keep playing like it's not. I think I need a little more space for this one mentally.#the first one just sort of fell out of my head fully assembled and the second one did that also but with different vibes#though it did actually take some cutting things and adjusting things to make it work which Failure to Compile did not#Failure to Compile was bizarrely effortless until the mad editing dash. Outcome Unpredictable was WORK#fun work at least! but in hindsight it was definitely more work to make it flow properly.#the real job for the 3th if it happens is gonna be wrapping up threads without dropping new ones in bc that's such a habit of mine now
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honestly. being able to be honest with my loved ones about when i am Mentally Unwell but also Dont Want To Talk About It has done wonders for my mental health
#its nice just being able to tell people “im not okay! please dont focus too much on me tho!” and have them respect it#instead of doing things that will trigger me bc they are uncomfortable w the fact that im not okay#i deeply appreciate others sitting in their discomfort/holding the discomfort with me instead of comforting me#and like i get that ppl who offer space or time or comforts are trying to care for me but tbh its not welcome most of the time#bc when I'm upset often times it triggers deep emotional pain that only i can really manage by taking time to sit and calm down and Feel#(bc if not it becomes a flashback instead of Feelings from being Triggered) and having my attention diverted is actually distressing for me#bc i have to be grounded in very specific ways also that i just dont usually have the energy to explain bc like... i know how to do it?#and like also. i can just be Not okay. it doesnt have to be a Thing for me to acknowledge it#iderk what the point of this tag ramble is#im just like. really glad ive found people who understand that im not Avoidant just bc i have different needs bc of how my nervous system i#also if its not clear: please do not offer comforts for this. i am handling my own feelings and issues i just kinda wanna talk about it#also reminding myself its okay to not want to be comforted and that doesnt mean im Wrong or Bad or Resistant or Harming myself#(also ngl having a therapist who understands that certain coping skills may never go away but can be modified to be more useful is LIFE#CHANGING. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREEING IT WAS TO HEAR SOMEONE WHO ISNT CRAZY SAY “i can see how [these things] can be distressing and if you wan#to stop doing them we can explore new coping skills - AND if the distress from these coping skills is shame related we can work through it#and see what happens and its okay if you come out the other side using the same coping skills with a better understanding of yourself “#when most of my life every coping skill ive ever engaged in has been moralized (esp by therapists) and attempted to be beaten out of me.)#also I'm saying “comfort me” thru this bc even tho it's not actually comforting TO me when ppl do this ik thats usually their intent
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tears of the kingdom could have been so good if it were built around like, its story or its characters instead of being a clunky shell to show off the mechanic no one asked for that it forces you to use
#*#text#totk#mechanics#i had fun scuttling around in the depths for a while but that got old eventually. for obvious reasons#what i liked about zelda games was always the atmosphere and character interactions#like. one of my favorite games is twilight princess. which is. deeply unserious in many ways#bit it COMMITTED to its setting and what the writers went ham making sure#that it was still full of whimsy and affection.#totk doesn't have that. the characters are all 1) instruction manuals or 2) vehicles for what small and disparate semblances of plot#survived whatever disaster must have happened in development that made them cannibalize several different ideas#and stick them into the shell for the fucking. arm#totk plays like a gallery or again just an engine for the building thing.#it's pretty. the music is good. the building thing is well made. but as a zelda game totk Fucking Tanks#i HATE overinvolved mechanics. i HATE having to stop and rely on a Whole Process that i have to keep stocked#to get anything done. i've always liked loz again bc of characters and whimsy but also bc it's always been mechanically vert streamlined#and accessible to someone like me who is disabled and finds fiddling EXTREMELY tedious#you have one required tool per dungeon and they're QUICK they're SIMPLE they're A GOOD TIME#totk. to me. is just clunky and has no redeeming qualities outside of again being pretty and still sort of nominally letting you run around#collecting things. some of the side quests were cute. but even then the characters were very.#THE THING ABOUT ZELDA GAMES IS THAT IM used TO THEM BEING ABOUT. NOT JUST THE FUNCTION!!!!!!#there were things— many of them! sometimes most of them even!!!— there just for fun. again almost especially The Characters#totk is so goddamn UTILITARIAN on all levels ITS. CLUNKY and BORING i don't WANT to have to do 30 things just so i can do something else.#hey nintendo. if you have to force people to play your game. like if you specifically have an ''open'' game and then subsequently have to#manufacturer MANY blocks and caveats to the idea of ''do whatever have fun!!'' so that it's''but only how WE want you to''. maybe thats bad.#maybe you've done a bad job. if again. you have to FORCE players to go about things in the way and order that you want. it's no fun.#like even zelda games where you have less options and linear progression feel less restrictive bc like. they don't fucking punish you.#for. playing the game. you just can't do things. totk really punishes you for going off script. which like. why even do that.#anyway. this is all probably incoherent. i'm right tho.#wow there are so many typos. pretend there are not <3
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god that "morning people are an oppressive class" post annoys me in some way i cant. quite. ugh
#toy txt post#it doesnt feel quite right to me...........#maybe im just a Morning Person. lol. lmao even#idk how much that is true vs in high school i felt very much like a morning person bc#i was taking my adderall with coffee and then it would all wear off right at the end of the day and id crash soooo hard and have like.#anxiety attacks every night and just be generally overstimulated and irritable as hell#which is mostly managed now by me trying to be smarter about caffeine consumption (amount + when) and on a lower dose of adderall#but it does feel like a lot of that shit mentioned would be adequately covered by like. being able to take time off work to go to the#doctor etc. idk#im half joking these days when i ID as a morning person but legally none of you are allowed to get up my ass about it🔪#bc of the nocturnal bullshit i pulled on second shift for like 3yrs after everything around me decided to start closing early after the#pandemic hit even tho theyve re lifted every other miniscule precaution they ever enforced#probably bc no one wants to work night shift at the grocery store for like 12$ an hour. fucking offer better pay idiots#god even when i was a package handler working the super inconvenient hours of 3am-like. 9. 10am(inconvenient my ass that was ideal hours.)#the main reasons ppl left for other jobs: hours suck and they got offered better pay. they cant adjust the hours. so they shouldve#increased the pay to retain. and maybe have more structured start and end times that were less up in the air#like all the drivers leave at 9am so if theres anything left on the truck thatll be for tomorrow. since that fuckin happened anyway. idk.#honestly wouldve been more important to me to have consistent start times cos thats one of the things that pissed me off about that job was#like youd go in and before you left youd have to ask what the start time would be tomorrow cos they kept jumping all over the place by like#15min increments and like its once thing to do it on occasion to try to deal with like Bad Weather but it was like fucking Daily#and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard. but sometimes they wouldnt. and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard#and leave it up there forget to erase it and it would still be there but they told you as you walked out actually its not 4:30 tmrrw its 3#idk. i know the main real reason i miss it is cause it was part time and the day ended at like 9am usually
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i start that new job tomorrow 😶 ...
#... im not sure if itll be a full day or just 'more paperwork/general tour/training' tho kinda hopin for maybe like a half day TwT;;#im very nervous and considering taking one of the old anxiety meds i still have#from when i was in therapy. except idk if theyre still in date + they made me feel like a zombie which is why i stopped taking them lol#like i was SO out of it on them. but would that be preferable 2 the feeling of Soon Entering Cardiac Arrest levels of anxiety im having rn?#maybe...#+ going to take a sleeping pill around 10 to make sure i dont stay up all night freaking myself out#jkdkjfhjjk can my brain be normal about this. i havent even started the job yet calm down!!! calm down!!! its ok!!!!#i just feel so bad bc everyone has been rly nice. like 'omg yay u found a chill job w insurance RIGHT before u get kicked off urs thats#great ik youll do well!!' and its like well what if i DONT do well what if i freak out again. and self sabotage. then what. like i KNOW#its bad and i KNOW what i SHOULD be doing but its like herding geese over here in my brain zone. painful and bad and i dont understand why#things happen at all its confusing and frustrating to deal with#logically i know i need a job. i need to pay my debts and start saving and I WANT to move out! but its like that fine dining and breathing#scene from spongebob. brain on fire. lol#sanchoyorambles
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#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight#bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired#but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do#like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point#why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying#and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened#from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out#like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going#to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks#ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do#when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced#and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions#and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this#will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun#and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up#and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me?#like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire#but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b#ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place#dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code#somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno#ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day#it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse#unrelated#i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard?#let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo
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Haha don’t pay me any mind oho
#vent#ok. so#I was! fine for the most part today! but then! idk what happened!#I’m like sad now! depressed? like. I kinda don’t feel real#I think I was giving myself anxiety over thoughts. got really clammy. literally shoveled goldfish crackers into my face#now don’t judge me but#I’ve been looking at things that make me feel bad for like. at least 4 hours now haha..#I dunno man it’s the adhd I got one thought about thing that made me upset and now I’m hours in and my emotions are fried#and. shh don’t tell anyone I feel things but I know have a fantasy of someone I can cry around#whehe how pathetic is that. scraping the bottom of the barrel here looking for another human just let me cry @ you#hmm. how did I go from thinking up poems for valentines only to. feel so cold and alone#I’m not crying. but. I definitely need to later haha maybe this all kickstarted from my two whole hours of sleep last night 😎#mhm so uh. if your reading this with the most cold unfeeling monotone voice then you are exceptionally accurate!i am currently not all here#can’t sleep now tho gotta. do other shit I guess#I’m laying in bed for a second though. my legs were very cold to the touch. unfeeling unhuman#oh and I might be balding potentially but that’s still just a theory. my dad noticed and pointed it out#haha what would I be withought my hair? another germ just populating this Earth?#oho ahh. hm. I’m just a trying to say I don’t fell right now if that makes sense. anyways
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I don't personally enjoy death in my stories for one because I have no experience with it personally and for two because you can't torture a character anymore once they've died 😇
#and I mean like perma death not talking abt any afterlifes and the afterlife in my story is based on DnD type deals#but even harder to get to like people can't just die and come back like nothing it is a PROCESS and NOT an easy one and also#not commonly practiced because it is rare to get it right (to be more direct it HASN'T been gotten right yet it's just a theory atm)#I never talk about my story or character OCs BUT I guess here's a taste of it#anyway I don't really kill off my characters but if I do experience a death of some sort then I probably will start writing abt it#but for now my characters are relatively safe also this isn't to say I'm unwilling to write abt death I just don't feel equip to handle it#in terms of a story revolving or somewhat revolving around a grieving process of some sort of dealing with all the different feelings#I dunno that stuff so I wouldn't write it as of right now#torture on the other hand#OH a good example for how I view the whole death thing in my story is kinda like Adventure Time#like that episode with Ghost Princess like ghosts and other paranormal stuff exist and are prominent#and they do go and meet with death thru a portal but that's like the surface level afterlife you can't really hit the deeper levels#unless you are dead and no one can see that stuff unless they are dead like when Finn dies we finally see what it's all like#as for like the levels and stuff I dunno abt all that I have like a very vague concept of how that would work but it's kinda like#beyond human comprehension y'know? that's how I view it and like death is PERMANENT and it's not suppose to be messed with#or bad things happen 👻👻👻#there are even more things abt it like little exceptions to the rules but the rules still apply even still it's just like#living on borrowed time or being forced to like#well I don't wanna get too much into that tho that's like super spoilers#but man I enjoy thinking abt it
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