#i have a ptsd trigger which is a very common thing for people to joke about. every time it happens i just sorta

[starbberryblue]

oh. oh wow.

I really appreciate the PTSD representation of Kabru Dungeon Meshi because very often traumatized characters end up leaning heavily into the "flight" portion of "fight or flight" but the reality is, many of us get pissed off when we're scared, or have the urge to hit back when we're triggered. It's easy to understand why: a scared person is easy to empathize with. An angry person--a violent person--is less so.

I have PTSD and it's taken a long time for me to get comfortable with the anger that wells up when I'm afraid. Like Kabru, when I get triggered, there's an immediate wash of, I'm going to fucking kill them.

Like Kabru, I never act on this impulse. It's just there in my brain, trying to take control, so it can protect me.

When Kabru is triggered and thinks, desperately, Maybe I should kill him! in order to avoid eating monsters, the scene is played for laughs. But under the inherent comedy of the moment (which I can recognize even if I can't make myself laugh along) is the reality that Kabru is deeply traumatized and is trying to manage his emotions so he doesn't endanger his relationships. For Kabru, a character built to maneuver with ease around the social interactions of humanoids (using the DnD term here), his past is not just a justification for his desire to close the dungeon; it's not just a way to create tension with Laios; it's not just an avenue for him to connect with the Canaries. Kabru's past and his lack of coping with it actively sabotages his relationships and even puts him at renewed risk, just like real PTSD! And I just think that's neat! sob.

[chemicalcarousel]

just finished watching that 2 hr colin ross lecture about DID and it was so good. i had no idea schizophrenia used to encompass DID when it was coined, but it makes so much sense with the name "split mind" and why people mix them up all the time and also why we were suspected to be psychotic at first. it's just scary that modern psychiatrists still can't tell the difference. we really recognised the struggle of "not fitting in any diagnostic box" (what multiple doctors have told us) because our symptoms seem kinda psychotic at first glance if you don't know much about traumatology

it's really wild hearing someone describe a patient with DID and relating so much to it, when you're used to being told by doctors in your life that you're such a weird case and maybe you have thing unique disorder that hasn't been described in literature yet. it's scary because DID is so common compared to what doctors suspect. i have very clear symptoms of being traumatised, i openly tell them i have complex childhood trauma, yet they think i can't have a trauma disorder or at most they might say bpd. i'm so obviously fragmented!! there's a reason i was all over the place symptom-wise when i was hospitalised for depression!!! some days i seemed not depressed and other days i almost killed myself because i'm dissociative!! like i didn't know back then either, but doctors should have noticed. they should have screened me for dissociative symptoms!!! they should do that with all patients, especially when they are fucking hospitalised!!!

i have switched to child alters in front of my psychologist before and she just wanted to see me "do that voice again" while i was so fucking scared because i didn't know what was going on. i know she probably said it to see if it was voluntary that i could change my voice, but it felt so humiliating and like i was a circus freak the way she asked. like she already knew it wasn't voluntary and it was a response to being triggered in therapy because we talked about my childhood trauma!!! she'd said she knew it was an automatic reaction i had to being triggered, still she said i didn't have "real flashbacks" so i didn't have ptsd and it was all just bipolar, which it turns out i don't even have!!!! lol she ended up giving up on me and passing me on to some other therapist, but man... she made me almost kms so many times lol i know she didn't mean to, but she was so fucking bad at her job imho

it was so fucking funny to have entered the clinic in 2018 with my own personal suspicious being that i have cptsd, then getting told no i don't until late 2023 where my 2nd therapist asks me if i know about cptsd and that i seem to have it BITCH I KNOW LMFAO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS BUT YALL GASLIGHTED ME INTO THINKING I COULDN'T HAVE IT AND TOLD ME I WAS PSYCHOTIC AND NEEDED ANTIPSYCHOTICS, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MOOD STABILIZERS AND DIDN'T LISTEN WHEN NONE OF IT WORKED!!!!!

man.... and now im waiting like 69 weeks for my next psychiatrist bc i gave up on that shit clinic, who didn't want to transfer me to their trauma department because i didn't have war or service related trauma..... even though i found out they also treat other cases than that............ this system is a fucking joke. also the 69 weeks is not for a specialist, this was just the quickest i can see a psychiatrist without trying to kms and being involuntarily hospitalised. i'm just gonna see some normal psychiatrist and idk if she even believes in DID bc i didn't get to talk with her, only her secretary. so maybe when that year and three months have passed i find out she only knows how to diagnose anxiety and depression <333 or maybe she's homophobic or transphobic, bc that's something i've also experienced! <3333333

man.... i was brutally abused by my family and neglected by the system since before i was born and now im just.... stuck here with an illness there's a cure for, but with no access to it!!!! and it's not like i haven't tried getting help - i've been in and out of psych treatment from age 14-27!!! i've read up on shit myself bc here doctors just say "idk take this pill and stfu, hysteric woman" like i've been misdiagnosed so many times now.... at least im almost off all of my psych meds now! like they are good for some, but i was literally just fed pills for shit i didn't have and when i wasn't feeling better, they just upped the dose and told me i'd be more unstable without it when this doctor had never seen me without it and i've been on it for like a decade, still super unstable <3

long rant/vent lol but idk man it's just nice getting some of this out of my system

[foxy-not-pirate]

Okay so this is super random but I do genuinely think that the words “triggered/triggering” becoming a sort of right-wing meme is a very bad thing.

Because triggering is a legitimate medical term used in psychology, especially individual/family therapy.

Here is an excerpt from a PsychCentral article on triggers and how to deal with them:

[In general, when a person is “triggered,” they’re being provoked by a stimulus that awakens or worsens the symptoms of a traumatic event or mental health condition. 

A person’s strong reaction to being triggered may come as a surprise to others because the response seems out of proportion to the stimulus.]

Being triggered unexpectedly is a fairly common symptom of PTSD and OCD, and the as the language used to describe our experiences and disorders becomes a meme/joke, it becomes much more difficult to explain what’s happening to us to those outside of our support groups who may accidentally trigger us or find us in the middle of a panic attack or something similar.

Occasionally, I’m already having a rough day or someone brings up something that triggers my PTSD more than other reminders do, and I have a panic attack. In this situation, I usually will eventually get asked what made me so upset. (Which is a good thing, btw. It shows that whoever made the mistake is making an effort not to make that mistake again.)

Before “being triggered” had the connotations it does now, I could usually just say “X thing you said triggered me, please don’t say it again and I’ll be fine.” People would usually back off and let me have my privacy around the triggering event without prying into my trauma or my history.

But now when I say that type of thing, people tend to go “ha-ha, what really happened?”

It ends up with me having to explain my entire childhood because just “The thing you said caused me to have a panic attack.” Is no longer a valid explanation to most people.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[dragonwysper]

VERY LONG, VERY IMAGE-HEAVY POST AHEAD !!

Literally one person interacted with this and said they wanted a rant on him, and therefore I will be ranting about him.

Gonna talk about him in the form of a detailed analysis of his development history because fuck yeah we love design lore.

So back in 7th grade, I was sitting in class, talking to a couple new friends about art, and one of them was like, "yo. You should make a spooky character" (since it was right around Halloween at the time). And I was like,"'aight bet."

So I did a rough sketch of a tall, lanky dude with scraggly black hair, sharp teeth, and big metal claws. Friend approved, and I was happy. I'd never really had an OC before, so I kept thinking about this guy. I adjusted his design a bit once I was home later, gave him a hoodie and fixed a couple elements of his claws (bro's first sketch had some on his toes lmao. I'm So glad I immediately scrapped that because Damn that would be so impractical), and googled baby name lists to figure out what to call him. I finally whittled the list down to Vincent, Victor, or Zane. I asked my parents, plus my friends at school the next day, and the majority said Zane was best. I later went through lists of common surnames, and Zane Rayford had a nice ring to it. I decided a couple years later to make his birthday October 29, 1999, in honor of the day I made him and also because I decided he should be 21 (at the time. He's technically like 23 now lmao).

So now that he had a face and a name, I started thinking about his story. I liked his claws, but didn't have a reason for them yet. My edgy middleschool self decided, "yeah, you know what makes sense for that? Illegal human experimentation."

So. Uh. I went with that.

Experimentation is a really traumatic thing to go through, so I reasoned he probably had some kind of PTSD from it. So I fixed his personality to reflect that, and by then I had a decently rounded character. My friend had some OCs of his own, and brought up the idea of roleplaying with all our characters. Of course I had my own OC, so I agreed! Our roleplay chat, hosted in a Microsoft Office word document, went strong for three years straight. It's long died by now, which I still get nostalgic about, but it was so so fun while it lasted.

That RPC strengthened his personality and design exponentially though. Through RPing as Zane, I learned about who he was as a person, both with and separate from his trauma. He was shy and jumpy and flighty and often preferred to be on his own to avoid confrontation, but also, while clumsy and prone to emotional outbursts of all kinds, enjoyed the companionship of his friends. With people he trusted, he joked and made playful jabs, and with people he wanted to trust, he was deeply kind and thoughtful.

He was (and still is) in a lot of ways a facet of myself, including the way I tease my friends, the naive stubbornness of my middle school years, my desire to please, my hyperawareness of everyone's emotions, and, what I realized later, my own trauma stemming from emotional abuse. I had an insight into that facet of him long before I actually sat down to learn about the effects of trauma. It's a little depressing to think about how accurate he was even before my research.

That does lead into the next 'phase' of his development though. I spent about a year and a half hyperfixating on PTSD and, to an extent, schizophrenia, because I decided he would be really interesting to explore from the perspective of having both. I researched the physical changes PTSD has on the brain. I talked to a lot of people with PTSD about their experience. I rethought a lot of his childhood trauma to be more realistic, and also thought about the specifics of what he went through, basing his triggers and social dynamics off that. And I explored how schizophrenia and other genetics-based disorders are affected by trauma.

Those months of research taught me so, so much. I could write pages upon pages about the intricacies of his thought processes and personality and behavior.

To add a visual element to his newly increased complexity and dynamicism, I also rethought a lot of his design elements. I took away his sharp teeth and unnecessarily edgy demeanor, for more realism, and also to better fit the personality I'd developed.

A couple bits and pieces of his present-day design are still nods to his old renditions. I still draw his pupils a little more elliptical than I do for most other characters. His eyes are still a vibrant shade of yellow/orange, if more muted than they were originally. He still has unique teeth, just in the form of a missing left canine instead of sharp edges. And he still has nearly the exact same triangular claws as he did in that first drawing.

But now, he's a lot shorter. His clothes are a little more worn. His hair is swept out of his face in a sharp, overgrown mullet. His eyes are wide and his nose is upturned. He has a few more scars from clumsy handling of his own hands. And also he's purple (lmao).

That. Was the result of me looking at a digital drawing I'd done of him where I randomly selected twenty different colors from the color wheel and thought, "...I don't want to guesstimate anymore."

So, since I was a huge Copic fanatic at the time, I pulled up a chart of all the official Copic colors, and chose his palette based on those. His colors in Copic marker codes are as follows:

BV20 | BV23 | BV25 | BV29 | R00 | E13 | YR14 | E09 | R29

I picked his colors after a deep dive into color theory. I looked into the meanings behind different colors. I knew I wanted him to be cool and muted for those withdrawn, fearful vibes. Blue felt a bit too sad, which is why I didn't go with that. Purple had a nice mix of sad blue, but also emotional red. It's stormy and tumultuous; it fits him well I think.

I was a little obsessed with complimentary palettes back then, so I took that purple and juxtaposed it with a bright, fiery yellow (his eyes). His original design had yellow eyes anyway, so it was a nice nod to his roots. From there, I had to figure out how to go about contrast, and where to put focus via color choices. I knew what colors I wanted to use (his palette was fully picked by then and everything). I just didn't know which BVs should go where. His old design had a much lighter colored hoodie, which is what I tried to do with his newer design at first. But I wanted the viewer's eyes to be drawn primarily to his face and his claws, and with the four BVs I chose, his hoodie's sleeves were the same color as his claws, meaning they blended in and weren't noticeable. I had to sacrifice a bit of readability on his shoes to keep his hoodie lighter than his pants but darker then his claws, but I decided it was worth it. I've grown to appreciate it more with time.

I've since cemented in some shape language and made the way I draw him more consistent, but he was always recognizable to me on that front. He really only needed grounding in reality and some fitting colors to make him feel real. And he does! He feels so tangible. He's very set in stone in a way that makes him feel like a distinct person with a unique personality, and he's therefore the most personal and precious work of creation I've ever done. He's my one true OC. I've made designs and come up with concepts for more, but Zane is leagues ahead in every conceivable way.

Gonna end this here because God damn this was a long post. But fuck I love this funky little dude so much. Bro's been with me for almost six years now, and he's come so far.

I hope this was entertaining or enlightening to read! Maybe I'll make another post sometime with a collection of tips on how I recommend designing characters based on my experience with Zane (and other designs I've done).

Hey guys guess what

Huge massive OC refsheet.

Left side is old shit I've made of him that give good reference, and right is a drawing I just did to show a full body pose and flat colors.

Top left: one of the first drawings I did with this specific palette, as part of a few test sketches to figure out where I wanted each color to be. I originally drew his hoodie much lighter so his shoes would be darker than his pants, but I changed that to emphasize his claws!

Top: head turnaround!! Because 3D grasp of a 2D character my beloved. And also I was hyperfixating a bit on animation at the time haha.

Bottom left: style experimentation! This one's fairly recent actually. It's here in his ref to demonstrate that you can really just go wild with him and his colors, you just have to keep him mostly recognizable yk.

Bottom middle: a collection of expressions! Red one has an old design/palette but exhibits a lineless style, blush was to demonstrate the blood guide (right), and other two were made pre-blood guide as an experimentation with his main values for shading.

Bottom right: blood guide! I put. Way too much effort into that thing. It basically tells you not only what color his blush and stuff would be based on his blood color, but also tells you how to get those colors via digital layering and filters, for if you just wanna use his normal greys to draw his mouth and then slap the red over it later or something. The number is the layer opacity, col is color, nor is normal (no filter), and lum is luminance (which is basically the color filter but what would be the color is the one the luminance layer is clipped to). Doodles on the side are to demonstrate all them pretty colors.

I actually did something a little different with the drawing on the right! I roughly sketched out a pose while zoomed way out so I could see the entire positioning from back there, and forced myself to not focus on any details until I was satisfied with the base pose. I should've been doing that ages ago, but at least I'm doing it now!! Plus I colored his lineart, which is something I've been meaning to experiment with for a Long time.

Then we got his palette, with a bonus blood palette for easy reference, and some fonts from Dafont for his name and my @!

Sowwy for rambling about not even my character but stylistic choices for his refsheet 😔😔😔

If y'all wanna hear more about Him or his creation or history or anything though, please tell me because I would love to rant about him to you <3

[justiceamberheard]

Amber Heard’s rebuttal

Julian Ackert, a computer forensics investigator

Mr Neumeister told the court he had analysed photos of Heard with alleged injuries and said there were different versions of some images and that some had gone through editing software.

Mr Ackert says that for all but one of the photos Mr Neumeister analysed, he found that the original versions of the pictures did not show that they had been through editing software in their exif (exchangeable image file format) metadata.

He says the specific photos that he reviewed were authentic.

Mr Ackert says that based on the photo metadata he has reviewed, he has no reason to question the authenticity of the photos.

Dr Hughes

Dr Hughes determined the actress suffers from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), while Curry says she has exaggerated symptoms of this and actually suffers from personality disorders.Dr Hughes tells the court that Heard did not exaggerate on one test that she used to assess her for PTSD, as Curry suggested.Curry also said that Dr Hughes misinterpreted her test results. Dr Hughes disputes this and says it was actually Curry who misinterpreted them.Dr Hughes also dismisses Curry's testimony that victims of PTSD are "effectively unable to function", as Heard's lawyer Elaine Bredehoft describes it.Dr Hughes says this is a common "myth and misconception" and adds: "People who are struggling with trauma and PTSD are very strong, courageous, resilient people, even though they are struggling,"

Dr Hughes is questioned once again about boxes she left blank on a form, which came up during her original testimony. She says she didn't fill them in as the necessary details were covered in 88 pages of notes she made on Heard.

Amber Heard

"I am harassed, humiliated, threatened, every single day," she says, and is very emotional. "Even just walking into this courtroom, sitting here in front of the world, having the worst parts of my life, things that I have lived through, used to humiliate me.

"People want to kill me, and they tell me so, every day. People want to put my baby in the microwave, and they tell me that. Johnny threatened, promised me, that if I ever left him he'd make me think of him every single day that I lived…"

"Every single day I have to relive the trauma. My hands shake. I wake up screaming."Heard says her friends have to live with "unspoken rules" about how they can "not scare me", and "how to not touch me". She says intimate partners also have rules."I live my life with these sets of rules," she says. Even training for something such as a combat scene in Aquaman, she says, can be triggering and spark a "meltdown".

"I am not sitting in this courtroom snickering. I'm not sitting in this courtroom laughing, smiling, making snide jokes. I'm not."This is horrible. This is painful. And this is humiliating for any human being to go through. Perhaps it's easy to forget that - I am a human being."And even though Johnny promised that I deserve this and promised he'd do this, I don't deserve this. I want to move on."

Heard says she receives hundreds of death threats "regularly, if not daily". Thousands, she says, since the trial has started, and people "mocking her testimony".Crying, she says: "I just want Johnny to leave me alone. I just want him to leave me alone. I've said that for years now."Asked what she hopes to reclaim "after this is over", the actress tells the court: "Protecting the secret I did for as long as I did has taken enough of my voice. Johnny has taken enough of my voice. I have the right to tell my story..."I hope to get my voice back."

Heard denies alerting US entertainment site TMZ that she would be at the court.

Johnny Depp's lawyer Camille Vasquez says she wants to show Amber Heard a picture already admitted to evidence.

She says she had no expectation of whether Moss would "show up" or not, saying "it didn't matter... it doesn't change what I believed at the time when we were on the stairs and I thought he was going to kill my sister."

[subwaysurf45]

Winter Makes Ice (Ep.9)

Summary: you’re captured after a brawl at the Avengers building, Bucky and others must save you before Hydra makes a new Winter Soldier out of you, Bucky has given up that title

Words: 2421

Episode: Nine

Warning: pure fluff.

Masterlist! Winter Makes Ice Episode: Eight

Time: 8:00pm

Date: October 31st, 2024

One of Tony’s biggest parties in his Halloween bash, people go all out with costumes and decorations; they can afford it. You always helped Tony setup because Halloween was always fun for you, there was never a way to understand or describe it, but it just was. This year was a bit different, obviously. You were getting better, it was starting to show. You were good with all your favourite foods as well as eating in public. It was a shock when you ate dinner with the entire team and the entire time you were hunched over your food with your arms wrapped around your plate to make sure no one would steal anything. The therapist you had now was amazing, he was quite young and served in the army. Though he suffered from his own issues regarding PTSD your meetings felt more like group therapy, questions would go either way and you’d share how both of you have been doing. 

You had brought up the Halloween party to Ryan, your therapist, two days ago when you saw him. The flashing lights, fog, and scares weren’t up your alley this year. He tried to give ideas on how to work around it but in the end you got annoyed and claimed you weren’t going to go because ‘Halloween is for children’. 

“But you love Halloween,” Bucky sighed from the bathroom, he was going as a vampire. The fake teeth that didn’t really fit just laid on the counter. People (Sam) had joked that he doesn’t go outside and so he never got any sun, Sam was running an ongoing joke of thinking Bucky was a vampire. 

“Well, I don’t anymore.” you just curled into bed a little more and pulled the sheets up to your chin, only your head poked out. From where you were lying you could see Bucky in the bathroom and Alpine who was pawing at her little pumpkin scarf, that was Bucky’s idea. 

You saw him sigh and look over to Alpine who was sitting on the toilet seat, he just shrugged and let out a massive sigh. You could hear him mutter, “she loves Halloween,” before turning around and flicking off the light. “If you change your mind, please come down, everyone would love to see you.” Bucky gave a quick peck on your forehead and then just looked at your face, his eyes flicking around. “No scary movies, no people will scare you, no one is pulling a prank, we really want you there.” 

“I know, maybe next year, maybe Christmas.” You welcome Alpine in your little cocoon and then look to Bucky, “I’ll be there soon.” 

“No rush, love.” he kissed your forehead again and then dimmed the lights before leaving. 

For the millionth time, you were left alone with your thoughts to multiply. It hurt to know how badly everyone wanted you there, it hurt more because you wanted to go too. People had stopped treating you like fine china which was better but there were still things you didn’t like that your teammates did, the little triggers that could build up to a massive mental breakdown were very common. But is hiding away and not talking to anyone really doing more good than bad? How much were you gaining from only having Alpine to talk to? You knew Bucky was slowly pushing you to get out there, it’s what you did with him. He had taken you to coffee shops and busy malls just to let you see that no one actually wanted to harm you, going out and seeing other human beings was a good thing. 

“They probably think I’m soft,” you gently rubbed Alpine, your finger hooked to a little cloth with bats and pumpkins on it. “They are probably talking about me.” you could almost hear Bucky’s voice coming out of Alpine’s mouth. 

“They don’t hate you, they love you.” 

“Fuck it.” you sighed and took the sheets off and stood. 

You weren’t planning on going so that meant you didn’t have a costume, Tony’s party was a costume party, it was frowned upon to show up in regular clothes. There wasn’t a lot you could do with limited time and resources. It was a quick hunt around your room but you were left with nothing but dark clothes from Bucky. 

“Bucky…” you gasped. All at once you grabbed a black shirt and some black jeans. You slipped it on before running to the bathroom and putting on black eye makeup to make it look like the winter soldier’s look. The eye makeup was somewhat nicely done, you were rushing. You were about to run down to the party but were hit with the realization. “The arm!” you scream, Alpine shot up, “sorry, go back to sleep.” Alpine chirped and followed you out to the common room which was very empty. 

Every drawer was opened and then slammed shut, nothing could be found. Until you pulled the final one and saw what you really needed. Tin foil. Was it wasteful? Yes, but so were copious amounts of plastic balloons and streams Tony plays for and puts up, so you didn’t feel too bad. You quickly took the roll and wrapped it around your left arm, it broke at the elbow but you weren’t too fussed about it. 

You could hear the party before you saw it. The music and the chatter flowed very far into the compound, there were shrieks followed by giggles, laughing, and singing. Tony always hires haunted house workers to serve and bartend while also adding to the Halloween experience by scaring people. You were always a fan and somehow joined in by the end of it. You knew for a fact you weren’t ready to get scared and spoked out of your skin, all that excitement and happiness from getting ready with your costume quickly fell short and left you standing there with a terrified look on your face. No one was around you but you could feel eyes on you, it was all in your head but it felt so real. 

“Deep breath,” you rolled your shoulders back, “you’ve talked about this before, you know this place has many triggers.” somehow you started to pace as you talked to yourself, hearing instead of thinking made a difference and it is pointed out by Ryan. “just have Bucky and Sam tell them you don’t want to be scared- but what if it’s dark and they don’t know- AH!” you jumped back but it was just Alpine pawing at your leg, “hey, buttercup, c’mere.” You picked her up easily and held her tight in your arms, the vibrating from her purrs instantly calmed you down. 

There was a sign that pointed to the party, it was a smallish sized cut out and under it was another cardboard square with a pumpkin on it. You just looked over at it and recognized Banner’s handwriting, he didn’t have a doctor's handwriting like most scientists do, it was very neat. Alpine kept pawing at your face or rubbing against you to make sure you were okay, she was a service cat after all. 

The idea hit you like a ton of bricks. You’d make your own sign and have on cardboard taped to your front and one to your back that read something along the lines of ‘don’t scare me’ to let them know. The sign was ripped down and you found a pen before scribbling the request twice. You found tape and stuck it on, your hand was on the door handle to the party when it slightly fell off. 

You swung the door open and it seemed every single person was looking at you, the sound of the door hitting the wall drew everyone’s attention to you. It was a standstill for a couple seconds, even the clown’s had their law hung up a tiny bit. Some of you got nervous, maybe they actually didn’t want you here because no one was saying anything, their eyes didn’t move. Alpine walked in with a low meow and no one paid any mind to it, they were all just looking at you. 

“No fucking way!” that voice you woke up to and went to bed hearing rang through the entire room, there he was, running up to you with the goofiest smile on his face. “You made it!” his arms wrapped around you and lifted you off the ground, your legs swung around. Bucky jumped up and down pointing to you, “she made it, I told you she’d make- I’m so proud of you!” Bucky hugged you again. All at once a roar blasted through the crowd, people were cheering for you. Banner ran up and gave a one handed hug while Thor practically exploded seeing you. 

“I haven’t seen you in forever,” Thor offered a beer but you kindly said no. 

“You come back for the parties?” you sunk into Bucky’s side as he kept an arm around you. 

Thor just shrugged and gave off his signature smile, “and the beer,” he disappeared back into the group with a wink. 

Every person came up one by one to congratulate you on a nice recovery, you hadn't been hugged by so many people in so long it felt. There were people you didn’t even know who were talking to you like they knew you, they’d ask about the mission and Bucky would kindly usher them off. It seemed everyone you weren’t close with came up first and the Avengers waited at the back-except Thor. You kept Alpine in your arms and Bucky would kiss her head before kissing your temple after every person, he’d whisper something nice in your ear every time. 

You moved to the back of the room and found your friends sitting on the couch, they didn’t seem to notice until Bucky very obviously coughed. Sam tackled you and made a giggly mess when he saw you. 

“She’s dressed as you, tin man!” Sam cackled, “that’s too good,” he whispered as he wiped tears from his eyes from laughing so hard. 

“It’s good to have you back, I missed you so much.” Nat’s eyes were glossy as she pulled you in for a tight hug, Alpine squirmed into Bucky’s arm. “I know this is a lot, but trust me, no clown or scary guy is getting near you, alright?” she whispered to you and only you, when she pulled away all she gave was a curt nod before kissing your cheek.

Wanda was a sobbing mess, “I'm just so-oh, god- look at you.'' she wrapped you in a motherly hug, “so proud of you, so, so proud. You have no idea, I’m so happy you’re here.” Wanda had her moment and everyone let her, you might have shed some tears as well. “I’ve always seen you as my daughter, and it hurt to see you like that before, and I just love you.” that’s what caused the waterworks to flow. 

Steve was stoic as ever, eyes misty, but stoic. “You have no idea how much this punk was stressing about you, no idea, kid.” he just shook his head and pulled into a bone crushing hug, “massive step, couldn’t be more proud.” He gave that smile and sat back down. 

You joined and listened in to the conversation but weren’t really active in it, just listening and looking around. There were a lot of people and costumes were crazy good, turns out the Avengers didn’t really dress up but they loved your look. Bucky just shook his head and tried to fight a smirk that grew on his lips too often, he’d just pull you into a hug to make them shut up. The music played a little too loud for your liking and Bucky tried to find someone to turn it down but no one listened, it was drowned out in the end. 

At once the lights shut off and it went pitch black. Your arm circled Bucky’s and you feel him grow extremely rigid, you could sense the other Avengers pulling out weapons and guns. “Citizens of this party,” the voice began, it rang out. You covered your ear and shut your eyes extremely tight. You couldn't hear what the voice was saying but when you saw a white light cast through your closed eyes you peaked them open. 

It was Tony standing on a platform, dressed as a zombie. He was speaking to his guests and when he looked over to the Avenger group he saw you huddled together and Bucky giving an unimpressed look. Your hands moved from your ears as you looked at Tony, his face paint was awful. 

“Well, there’s the fighter we all know, dressed as her lover.” Tony smirked, “if you want anything, tell her and she’ll do it without question.” Tony looked over and smiled a painful smile, seeing if the joke landed. 

“Tony, that’s so ru-” Pepper was cut off by your laughing. 

Everyone looked at you like you were another world, you hadn’t laughed that hard in what felt like years. It turned to a quick silent laugh, and everyone joined. Bucky was the last to join but he let out a few stifles before letting go. Steve’s hand held his chest and Nat just shook her head with a wide smile. Everyone leaned your way to try and cover their smiles. Even the people who didn’t know you were laughing, it was stupid joke but it was just what you needed. 

“Tony, are you dressed as a zombie or Bruce after he comes back from being the other guy?” your hands cupped your mouth as you yelled to him, Tony dropped his mic from laughing. It was infectious, it quickly spread around the room and soon no one even knew what was funny anymore. It could be the alcohol or just pure fun with friends. 

You looked up to Bucky who was just staring at you, “what?” you asked.

“I just love you, and I’m so glad I could tell you.” He whispered. 

“I’m glad I’m healing surrounded by my family, around the people who love me most.” you pulled him in and gently placed a kiss on his lips, his face was red when you pulled away. 

“But you know I love you the most, right?” he smirked before kissing you again. 

Your laughter flooded into the sea of happiness that was flowing around the room again. 

The End.

A/N: this has been one hell of a ride and I really hope you enjoyed, any and all feedback is welcomed. I’ll be heading back to oneshots for a while, so if you have asks- ASK! you have no idea how happy I am when I get one. thanks for reading and supporting. 

-Rambo <3

Tag List: Winter Makes Ice tag list: @small-death-and-codeine​ @commonintrest​ @buckyys-doll​  @lil-baby-nor @wafflesncream​ @milo-of-the-sea​ ​

let me know if you want a tag!

if you would like little drabbles, oneshots, answers that are in the AU of the story feel free to send an ask, direct message me, request it! I’ll tag you (if you want) to make sure you see it and do my best to write for the ask, send them this way!

[lovee-infected]

This is a weird thought, but what do you think the state of mental health treatment is in the TWST universe. We joke about Yuu being the school counselor, but the fact there isn't one at the school always struck me as odd. Not only that, some of the characters show some signs of mental health issues. Leona shows signs of depression. Idia might have an anxiety disorder. Jamil shows signs of PTSD-C. Silver has Narcolepsy. That's not the half of it. p1

Now this is a very interesting idea to discuss anon! I've seen this discussion regarding twst guys' mental health being brought up before so I'd like to get into the details. I guess I'd better use some real life references as well to clear my point!

First off, about the school counselor, do they even exist? Well although there was nothing mentioned about NRC having a counselor, I'd say that they most likely do because there's one in almost any school, and NRC as well is a famous and well-known school so lack of crucial school facilities such as having a counselor is far from mind. But the problem is, having a counselor isn't going to change everything.

Let me give you an example, during school and middle school I got to see plenty of other students having mental illnesses, serious issues, anxiety and enormous traumas. But not all of them had their way to the counselor's office, dare to say most of them didn't even try to talk to anyone including the counselor. And that's why having a counselor isn't enough; there's no point in there being a counselor if the students themselve don't go to them.

Now let's talk about the boys' mental state itself. We all agree that not all of them are in a pleasant mental status, from the severe results of their past lifes and hard childhoods to their unhealthy personality and manners. Some of them are dangerously manipulative (ex: Jade, Rook), some can be quite heartless and sadistic at the time (ex: Azul, Riddle, Leona), some are known for openly sadistic, causing troubles and injuring the rest if the students (ex: Ruggie) and some are found to be in pain because of their unwanted past and childhood traumas last. (ex: Leona, Idia, Azul) and lots of more cases you can name.

The biggest problem with such severe cases is how they seem to be totally unaware of their unhealthy acts. They've got a villainous nature too in general, so even if they feel like there's something wrong with what they're doing they won't necessary go to a counselor or ask for help in general. This is something quite common in real life as well because most of those who're struggling with mental issues are either unaware of it or unwilling to let anyone help them with it.

But since it's twst and NOT the real world which we're talking about...we should keep this in mind thaf they weren't supposed to be good in the first place!

I mean- just think of the game's official quote: "Welcome to Villains world", they were presented as students who have souls of the villains from the very beginning what else shouldd we expect to get-? LOL. Incomplete characters, not totally pure souls and dirty deeds are a totally expected concept to be found in the game, so we can't really question their unhealthiness because...this is how they were supposed to be all this time! Unhealthy just like villains but with more plot this time.

Well let's not forget that technically, all of the students in NRC are partly evil, otherwise they would've been sorted in other schools like RSA (Kalim and Lilia are the exceptions here, Kalim's father's money enabled him to enter NRC and Lilia technically came to NRC for Malleus, not that he needed to learn anything in NRC though).

The main thing that is making these twisted villains interesting is how they are being presented as students going to a school just like a normal teenager, the ability to make the audience relate and feel like they've been in character's shoes before makes it way more enjoyable than a gave which just throws some handsome villains with far from imagination background and unbelievable stories.

Idia would be a perfect example for this point, his design is legitimately showing what most of the teenagers look like these days. From wearing hoodies all the time and spending most of their time online to lack of real life communicating and having a low self-esteem.

We aren't going to talk about Idia now but that's basically what is happening with him, you can hear many fans saying: "I like Idia! He's such a mood" or "Man I couldn't relate to Idia anymore... He's just me" and many other compliments that show how this ability to relate to Idia and understand what it feels like to be him has made him considerably popular!

Same goes for other characters, most of them are designed to have belivable backgrounds and stories therefore which makes it very easy to relate to them. Most of them had to go through a hard time back in childhood, and so did many of us humans. From being bullied to having family issues, twst is trying to attach fans by showing how the characters have gone through the same pain as them. They aren't trying to hide that dark and unhealthy side, they want us fans to see it and feel what the characters feel.

They are indeed twisted villains because they aren't just designed to be evil; the most important part of their design is their personality and character development, they used something more than hot appearances and charming designs to make people all over the world fall for twst, they wanted the fans to feel genuinely and mentally attached to the characters as well.

Imagine going through the same trauma as Azul: being bullied as a child. It's a very common thing to happen during one's childhood yet the damage would remain for years, so when characters like Azul are being focused on, the audience can feel much better to see how that unfairness and cruelty isn't being shallowed anymore. None of our twst characters boys are perfect, and that imperfection is the main purpose of this game!

They aren't going to tell lies and give us some picture-perfect villains and all, they're going to tell us the story of the evil souls who were once pure; just as people say: “No one is born evil.” Humans can relate to the pain way more than they can relate to thr happiness, and this is what makes Twst brilliant. They aren't scared to show us that imperfection and incompleteness and once again, remind us all that no body is perfect.

Twst has used irl triggers and traumas in its character design, they crested twisted villains whom you can relate to, understand, feel attached to and love!

[the-ferocious-kittyrose]

What I would’ve done w/ Lotor’s character

It’s not exactly a secret to anyone who’s been following me for a while that I’m not the biggest fan of canon Lotor. I had high hopes for the character from his 80s counterpart and intro in season 3 but I was really let down by the direction the writers went with him in canon.

When he was introduced, I was so hoping for him to be this cocky manipulative asshole that’s only out for himself. I love that character archetype so goddamn much.

But in canon he was just kinda boring to me. His personality was bland and his motivations never really made sense. He’s introduced using empty promises of peace and comradery to manipulate people, then its revealed that he actually does want peace and comradery and wants to lead a peaceful empire, then that turns into draining Alteans and wanting to kill all Galra...

I also didn’t like how the writers decide to tack on this whole child abuse plot to explain why he was the way he was. As if that’s the only way to make a villain sympathetic. Yeah other versions of Voltron have touched on Lotor’s childhood before and it was never pleasant, but VLD really leaned into that shit, to the point where it felt like the writers were just shoving angst down our throats thinking that equals good writing.

It takes more than a tragic backstory to make a character compelling. It takes an interesting personally and motivations that make sense. And you can make a character tragic/sympathetic in more subtle ways.

For me personally, I wanted Lotor to be a sorta fusion of Loki and Littlefinger in space.

Loki is a sly trickster who grew up feeling like an outcast, unaware of his true heritage. He grew up believing he could be king but when his shity father handed it to his perfect brother he felt he had been robbed and decided to take the throne by force.

Littlefinger is a small man from a small house with no power, and after getting the shit beat out of him trying to win the hand of the girl he loved, he decided he would use his intelligence and skills in manipulation to screw over all these noble lords and weasel his way into the throne. And when he did he would finally get vengeance on all those who had looked down on him.

I feel like this fits Lotor well. Lotor is a prince, so he isn’t small in that regard, but he is not respected in the way a prince should be.

He is a lot smaller than the average Galra. And even though Lotor is still quite strong, developing a fighting style that suits his small form and uses his opponents size against them, in a society so heavily based on physical strength that’s still a big blow to your rep.

He employs half breeds, which we know are looked down on in the empire. And there are definitely rumors about Lotor himself being a half breed. I think after 10,000 years Zarkon would’ve done a pretty good job at hiding Lotor’s heritage from the public but just looking at him compared to the average Galra there’s going to be some suspicion there. On that note Lotor is probably considered butt ugly by the Galra.

And Lotor works in the shadows and achieves his goals through lies and trickery, which Lotor himself says are things the empire looks down on.

So yeah, the people in the empire hate Lotor. Even Sendak who’s all ‘Gung ho empire’ has no respect for Lotor. And because of this it would probably be up in the air whether or not Lotor would even be allowed to take the throne if his father were to pass, even though it’s his birthright.

And in the face of all this rampant disrespect, Lotor decides that he is going to overthrow his father and take the throne. And when he does he will take vengeance on everyone who had ever undermined him and expand the empire beyond anything his father could’ve dreamed of.

And don’t try telling me, “oh that’s so out of character! Lotor would never take pleasure in the pain of others!” Because he does.

Remember Throk? Remember how Lotor sent him away to the worst station in the empire and joked about letting him, “rot with the ice worms?” Remember how Lotor later invaded his station then watched with a grin as he was tortured by Haggar?

Lotor 100% takes pleasure in hurting those who would hurt him, because it makes him feel powerful.

Now let’s talk about Lotor’s planet. The one given to him and destroyed by Zarkon. I always felt weird about this plot. Obviously it’s a very sad thing to have happen, but I always liked the idea of Lotor’s promises of peace to be empty, a means of manipulating people. So this whole situation being genuine feels weird to me.

In my version, Lotor didn’t get banished for being too kind. He got banished because Zarkon caught him in a plot to betray him.

When Lotor was put in charge of the planet, he seduced and married the princess Ventar. He filled her head with promises that her people would be free and they would rule the universe together and convinced her to secretly round up her armies and send word to her ally planets to do the same, so they could start planning a way to overthrow Zarkon.

It’s left ambiguous whether or not he was being genuine and whether he really loved Ventar and intended to keep his promises to her or if she was just a tool to get the throne. But either way, it ends the same. Zarkon finds out, destroys the planet, kills Ventar, and exiles Lotor.

Still sad/humiliating thing for Lotor, and definitely a story that could gain sympathy from Allura.

Speaking of Allura and Ventar, let’s talk about Lotor’s relationship with the women in his life.

(Trigger Warning: Brief mention of of a rape scene in GoLion)

In the 80s Lotor was incredibly misogynistic. He walked around with a harem of half naked women, tried repeatedly to kidnap and marry Allura against her will, and in GoLion it’s heavily implied that he raped Romelle because she looked like Allura.

It’s a common joke in the fandom that he went from this to drinking respect women juice in VLD but I don’t know if I’d go that far.

He’s definitely better in VLD than he was in the 80s, but even in VLD he manipulates, uses, and hurts most of the women in his life.

Allura is the obvious example, but you also have his generals. Acxa talks to the paladins, Allura in particular, about how persuasive Lotor could be. Implying that she and the other general were manipulated the same way Allura was.

Well not EXACTLY the same way Allura was, romantically I mean. Though there are people who believe that Acxa was also in love with Lotor and he used that to his advantage, which I can see.

But I feel like it was more about giving them a place in an empire that didn’t care about or accept them.

I hate The Last Jedi but I really feel like the line, “you’re nothing, but not to me,” fits really well. They were outsiders with no place to go until Lotor swooped in and gave them a purpose.

Do I think that there was a part of Lotor that genuinely wanted to help them because he saw a kindred spirit in them? Yeah. But I also think that at the end of the day, they were more tools than real friends. And he had no qualms about killing them if they betrayed him.

The situation with Narti proves that. As well as the fact that Ezor and Zethrid seemed very scared of the prospect of Lotor being alive and coming for them.

And then you have Allura. Lotor’s lust for Allura has always been a very important part of his character. In the 80s the reason behind his obsession with her was that he had a lot of baggage about his mother and had a thing for women that looked like her. Also the fact that he just didn’t like not getting something he wanted.

There was never any love. He didn’t want to be with her, he wanted to own her.

In VLD, his want for Allura seems to stem more from the fact that she’s Altean than an Oedipus complex. As well as the fact that she’s powerful and skilled in Altean alchemy, which makes her rather useful.

I don’t personally believe that Lotor ever really Loved Allura. I think he liked the idea of her and what she could do for him, but the end of the day she was more a means to an end than anything else.

Allura’s been trough a lot. Zarkon betrayed her family and destroyed her entire planet only about a year ago from her point of view, and she appears to have a pretty bad case of survivors guilt and PTSD. And to make matters worse, while Lotor was on the ship she was fighting with Shiro, someone she clearly cared about. The idea of loosing him after already losing so much must’ve been really painful.

She was hurting, conflicted, and lonely. Which made her all the more vulnerable to Lotor’s manipulation.

He took advantage of her loneliness and insecurities, making her believe she had found someone who understood her and could help her avenge her family and planet. She trusted him, let herself be vulnerable around him, which made it hurt even more when it was revealed to all be a ruse.

And then you have his relationship with his mother Honerva/Haggar.

I talked a lot about this in my whole rewrite/rant about Honerva, but I’m not a fan of how they made their relationship 100% negative. I feel like it robs the show of a lot of interesting character interaction.

It’s sad. The whole relationship is really tragic. Shit like this is literally my worst nightmare. The thought of looking my mom in the face and have her not recognize me as her daughter keeps me up at night.

But the thing is, in canon the relationship kinda falls flat because Lotor and Haggar/Honerva have no connection. Haggar was awful to Lotor and Lotor hates Haggar. What reason do I have to be invested in their relationship?

So If you haven’t read my Honerva rant, here’s how I would’ve done the Honerva Lotor relationship.

10,000 years ago, when Alfor came to Dibazzal to convince Zarkon to close the rift, Honerva went into labor. Alfor and many Galran doctors tried there best to save her and the baby, but the quintessence had damaged her body so much that she couldn’t be saved and died in childbirth.

Zarkon went ballistic and Alfor had the doctors take baby Lotor somewhere safe, fearing Zarkon would take his grief and anger out on the child.

After Honerva was resurrected as Haggar and throughout Lotor’s childhood, they had a strange sort of relationship. Lotor was an inquisitive child and was always curious about Haggar and her work, making a habit of following her around like a little shadow and watching as she worked. And there was also the fact that, while his father was never friendly, he was calmer when she was around.

Haggar had no idea what to make of this weird child following her around all the time. All these big strong Galra were terrified of her but this tiny child showed no fear as he tugged on her robes and excitedly asked questions about her work. And she never minded. She didn’t know why or how to explain it, but she cared for the child. As much as a soulless undead witch could care for something anyway.

But as time went on there relationship became more and more strained. Lotor was a smart kid he was gonna find out about his mother and deduce what happened to her.

He resented Haggar. Resented her for not remembering him. Resented her for the fact that he had to go through life without a mother while she was right there. And he resented her for being loyal to Zarkon, who had been making his life hell for thousands of years.

Every time she showed him something resembling kindness he’s conflicted. He knows he should feel happy that she cares, but at the same time, why does she care? It’s not like she sees him as her son.

He turned to denial, insisting that Haggar couldn’t possibly be his mother, even though he new the truth deep down, and a part of him always secretly longed for her to remember who she was, who he was, and embrace him as her son. He hates that part of himself.

And when he does meet Honerva for the first time, it’s... tense... to say the least. Having his mother reach out to him and acknowledge him as her son is something he thought would bring him joy, but in that moment all the pain he went through rises back to the surface and he lashes out. He draws his sword and is about to cut her down but he hesitates. He’s trembling with tears in his eyes. He can’t forgive her, but he also can’t bring himself to kill her.

Then you have his relationship with his father.

It’s no secret that Zarkon is an awful man and a shity father, always has been.

The explanation as to why is kinda shaky. All we get is Zarkon saying Lotor is his greatest shame because he’s Altean but I don’t know about that. Zarkon may hate Alteans but he loved Honerva and I don’t think he would be ashamed of his relationship with her.

He definitely did his best Lotor’s heritage from the public. But I don’t think that’s the reason he hates him.

In my version of the story, Zarkon hates Lotor because Honerva died giving birth to him and Zarkon blames him for her death. He lost his beloved wife and was forced to watch the son that killed her waltz around wearing her face.

It didn’t help that Lotor was a snarky rebellious kid that liked to show off. He did things his own way, didn’t care much for rules, and had a real knack for finding loopholes. All things that made his strict father very angry. He was an embarrassment. Small and rebellious. That’s why Zarkon began training Sendak.

I personally believe the reason Zarkon was so trusting of Sendak and had so much faith in him was because Zarkon had been grooming him to be his “true heir.” Sendak is the epitome of what a Galra should be. Strong, loyal, and brave. He would be the son Zarkon wished he had. The favorite child.

Lotor obviously hates Zarkon, and rightfully so. Zarkon hates him for something he had no control over and constantly disrespects him.

Lotor may not follow the rules, but he passes every trial. He excels at everything he does but Zarkon refuses to see that all because he blames him for Honerva’s death.

Lotor sees Zarkon as an old fool. He knows that he could do a far better job at running the empire.

Lotor dedicated thousands of years of his life to overthrowing Zarkon. His hatred for his father was his motivation, what got him out of bed every morning, so when the deed is done and Zarkon was finally defeated, in the moments after he felt empty.

But he didn’t have time to dwell on that feeling for long. He still had to deal with his father’s men and take the throne that was rightfully his.

Then you have his plan.

Lotor’s plan in VLD is really weird and over complicated. There was no real reason for the whole draining Alteans thing. Just a lazy way of making him 100% evil.

The plot could’ve been a lot simpler. He gains the paladins trust, gets them to help him build his ships and overthrow Zarkon, and then once he has the throne he pulls an Uno reverse card and is like, “yeah, nothing personal but this was all a trick and imma lock you and your lions up now.”

Obviously more complicated than that but that’s the basic idea.

One of my main problems with VLD is that they had a bad habit of over complicating the plot. People don’t care about VLD because of the plot, they care about the characters and their relationships, the actual plot doesn’t have to be anything spectacular.

It’s strange to say but I feel like the writes tried too hard with Lotor. He had the potential to be an amazing villain but the writers were too focused on tricking the audience and making him angsty that they forgot to make him compelling.

[male-reader-requests]

City Lights

Requested by: funk-lil-death-omen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x M!Reader

Word count:1,847

Warnings: uhhh, trigger warning I guess. I don't really know how those go but this does kinda talk about panic attack/ptsd stuff. I don't know much about it, did a smidge of research but still, I apologize if this is kinda ass.

-

This situation was... well shit to say the least.

The entire compound was on lockdown, every single protective measure Tony had put in place was active and it was all because a cybernetically enhanced kid had gotten freaked out. 

Well, kid wasn't the right term. (M/N) was old enough to take care of himself, and he did well. (M/N) was sort of a lone wolf of sorts, going off on long missions that normally took months to years, he was an enigma, no one knew much about him. 

Well, no one knew much about him besides Bucky. Bucky had brought (M/N) with him when he'd moved to the compound, brought him to do everything pretty much. (M/N) hated other people and was very paranoid about everything.

That should have been a red flag to the rest of the team, but they'd written it off. Paranoia when in an area they knew was safe was not a sign of a healthy mind, the nightmares and the defensiveness weren't either but that had also been written off. Everyone in the compound had their issues and they'd thought that was the extent of (M/N)'s.

Unfortunately their writing off had lead to the situation at hand.

It had started out pretty normal, a normal afternoon where the majority of the compound was actually there instead of out on missions. Someone, Bucky can't really remember who, had been cooking lunch with (M/N) hovering behind them. Whoever it had been hadn't minded, asking him to grab things from the fridge and cupboards, showing him how to do certain things.

Bucky had seen this a couple of times, where he'd get very into whatever he was learning and basically forget about the real world so he hadn't seen the Spider kid come in with some game console. Bucky knew the kid hadn't meant to do it, knew that this would literally eat the kid from the inside out for the rest of his life but when he loaded up some game and the gunfire started to play through the speakers (M/N) blanked out and whatever soldier he had once been came into existence.

He knew what would happen, he'd seen this a few times before also, but it was never a pleasant experience. Bucky watched in horror as he pushed someone into the stove and pulled the gun from his belt up. The entire common area was falling into chaos.

Bucky dropped down, he knew that whatever the soldier in (M/N) was would recognize him, either as Bucky or as Winter neither would be good.

A shot fired out, landing where Bucky's head had once been, and then he was running. (M/N) would find somewhere high up, somewhere with a vantage point that he couldn't escape from, somewhere that if he felt it was necessary he could throw himself from.

Bucky was running after him the best that he could, but (M/N) was fast and he knew to lag behind a bit. It never took (M/N) long to come down, but it was a drop, he'd breakdown and he wouldn't be a hazard to others but he would be a hazard to himself. He had to stay behind him to make sure that he hit that drop instead of fighting against it.

He was safe here, but no matter how much that was proved to him he couldn't seem to accept it.

In all honesty, Bucky felt that he should have seen this coming. He'd known (M/N) the longest, knew him the best out of everyone there and he loved the other male. He should have noticed the sign of this creeping up, he knew the signs, he knew the tells and now all he could do was hope to be enough.

(M/N) hadn't slept in 3 days and his emotions seemed to dull a bit, which was unfortunately normal, but he'd been asking about the weather. He only asked about the weather to see if it would rain and storm and that meant he was stressed, that he was falling, and felt that he didn't have anything to hold onto. 

It meant that he felt he was alone, that Bucky hadn't been there for him. 

It was storming now, an odd sort of irony that he hated. It was the sort of irony to fit those stupid love novels that Stevie would read or to match his emotion but no matter how fitting he hated it.

(M/N) loved it though. He loved the rain and the thunder and the lightning, he loved it out an inborn issue with life itself. 

(M/N) grew up in some tiny ass place where the motto was quite literally "Kill or be Killed". The town was dark and fucked and in all technical terms cannibalistic thanks to Hydra fucking with them. (M/N) loved the rain because it muffled everything, made hunting down others easier when you let yourself become a creature of the night.

And he looked every bit the part.

Standing on the roof with his face to the sky (M/N) stood, soaked to the bone but still beside his breathing. His (H/C) hair was plastered to his face, his shirt and pants the same but his eyes were horribly bright against the dark sky, a shining shade of (E/C) brought on by mutated genes.

He was dressed in only black, shirt stolen from Bucky's side of the closet and cargo pants, boots from when he was active in more than Avengers issues, and he still had the gun in his hand.

Lightning fell somewhere behind him and God he was beautiful, but as they stood there in silence (M/N)'s began to shake, his shoulders moving a sadly familiar fashion that tore at Bucky's heart.

He was whispering something, something he said to himself daily and Bucky knew it by heart and it broke him each morning as he listened to (M/N) utter the words to himself just to stay afloat, just to make it through the day.

"An unfair way to be taught is still a way to learn, and it is over," his voice shook, words slurred together as he struggled. "Whether they change or not is irrelevant. If you change is what you keep hold of."

Bucky watched as he took a deep breath, the gun clattering lightly as (M/N) began to shake in earnest. "You keep fighting," he cried, "Get mad if you must. Focus one what is ahead and step forward, for a life left in the same steps you have always been in is a life wasted." 

"(M/N)", Bucky whispered, those bright eyes landing on him. The both of them were crying, Bucky quiet and trying his best to keep calm as (M/N) dropped, tears falling with the rain as he fell to his knees, the gun skidding across the roof.

This was the point in which Bucky would take over, the point in which he became the rock for (M/N) to lean on as the river started to rise around them. 

Neither of them would make it out of the night with a good conscience, but that was fine. Bucky's job was to make sure that (M/N) was comfortable, to make are he would be taken care of, to make sure he would make it through the next 24 hours.

(M/N) never remembered these episodes, probably for the best with how much he cried during these, but he was always a mess. When Bucky got to him he fought at first. He fought against Bucky's hands as they tried to removed soaked hair from his eyes, fought against the jacket being pushed over his shoulders, against the arms wrapping around him to help him inside but he was tired. Soon he gave up, going limp and letting Bucky bring him to their room.

He let Bucky undress him, he let Bucky gently guide him into a bath and let Bucky get in with him. This was always the worst for the taller male, having to watch (M/N) practically be a doll to the world as his brain tried its best to forget things that only seemed to come up at the worst times. 

The bath was hot and smelled faintly of some flower Bucky couldn't remember the name of, thanks to the bath bomb things Tony had been showing him. It was calm, and Bucky was slowly forcing himself to calm down, to relax. The more relaxed he himself was the easier it would be to get (M/N) to do the same.

He leaned back, metal arm across the edge with the flesh one curling (M/N) tight to his chest. He wanted to hold the (H/C) male, to cradle him much like one would to a child but he had to get (M/N) used to this, used to the touching again. It was slow progress, always was and always will be but Bucky'd do it over and over again just to see (M/N) happy and healthy.

Soon enough, which was actually quite a large stretch of time, Bucky had (M/N) curled against him, one arm over his shoulders with the other on his back. (M/N) had crawled into his lap, face shoved into his neck, and if this hadn't such a bad time Bucky probably would have laughed and joked about how (M/N) was more beast than man.

Unfortunately, this is how their night would go. They would sit in the bathtub well past the point of the water going cold, both of them shivering but refusing to get up or change the water. They would sit there until (M/N) was comfortable enough in his own skin for Bucky to get a towel for both of them and move them to the bed.

The room was also cold, so Bucky went about bundling (M/N) in blankets and turning the heater on, before joining the other male on the bed. His arm produced some heat, as any sort of mechanical thing will, but not much. 

The shorter male protested lightly when Bucky started to unbundle him but calmed down soon enough when he situated the two of them together. 

Bucky had his back to the headboard, (M/N) curled up on his side with his face shoved in his neck again, but there was strength coming back to his hands, his nails lightly digging in where he was gripping at Bucky's arms. It meant he was coming down, and that's all the Bucky ask for in all honesty. 

He loved him, and that's all he needed.

[melancholic-pigeon]

I'm sure some of it is that my introvert batteries are critically low after spending two lovely weeks with two lovely people so I have a much shorter fuse and am wandering around like a flayed nerve a little bit

I am thoroughly wiped out and reeling from that douchecanoe who chased me down the street to scream at me and physically exhausted and emotionally recharged and I don't know how to cope with all of these conflicting things

Like legit I was in survival mode and I didn't even realize it until I was no longer in survival mode

For the record, too, I consider triggers to be like allergies. Just because I'm allergic to nickel doesn't mean it's morally wrong for other people to wear nickel jewelry. And yeah, I think certain jokes should be examined a little more deeply, but to throw in another analogy— I don't feel like I got punched deliberately in the face. I feel like I have old, stubborn wounds that healed wrong and I was accidentally bumped into right in the worst part of the injury.

They couldn't know that they're there, because I hide those injuries like a cat and they're under my clothes anyway. This is not a "shame on you", this is a wounded animal response that I didn't have under adequate control.

That's on me. It was pure instinct. It was the same pure instinct that almost got me killed last week. Which is to say, my brain was not involved at all, and like I said earlier I need to get better control over my wounded-animal responses, because they're not fair and they're much more intense than is justified for the situation.

Basically— PTSD can really fuck with your ability to relate to humans in a productive way. I haven't had a flareup in a very long time. I hadn't been triggered in a very long time until this week, and the initial trigger was Douchey McFuckface, which is what reopened the wound and made it so excruciatingly sensitive.

I'm also triggered by the smell of potpourri. They're often unexpected and I often don't realize what happened until well after it happens.

Like. I fucked up here! That's indisputable! I have my opinions, which I won't harp on because I already have way too much, but the point is that this was a terrible reaction and I do feel really bad about it. I could have and should have put it much more gently and been much more patient, and I sincerely apologize for that.

I just worry about people's states of mind. About people in general. About everything. I worry all the time. I'm scared for people and fear is such a primal, instinctive thing that it overrides my common sense. That's a bad thing.

I don't want anyone thinking I'm angry at them. I'm not actually angry. In this case, anger is a surface emotion, hiding trauma reactions I've been avoiding dealing with. It's not personal; those several people got caught in the crossfire.

I'm a lot more screwed up than I like to admit or show. This can make me a bit of a Douchey McFuckface too. I need professional help I'm not getting, and that's solely on me to solve. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was fourteen, which is over half my life at this point, and I should know me better by now.

Yeah. I sounded way more scoldy and aggressive than I intended, which is funny (not in a ha-ha way) since it's things that even vaguely, tangentially resemble aggression that set me spiraling into a meltdown. That's hypocritical of me, and I don't like being a hypocrite, but I kinda was.

Scratch the earlier thing about anger. I am angry. I'm angry at me, specifically.

I'm trying to be better. Walk the walk. I think I'll chill out when I've had a chance to charge my introvert batteries. I'll definitely be printing out some DBT modules, since I've been way too lax about that.

I'm tired and scared and in pain and that's not anyone's fault and it's my responsibility to handle my bullshit. I'm trying. I'm bad at it right now.

[awesamhimbo-abandoned]

Okay um... I want to actually make a PROPER post about the "c!tommy apologists have the worst takes" thing that I was ranting about earlier.

Once again I'm going to but a few disclaimers because this might end up being a very, very triggering topic for some and I understand that!

First off: This post goes into trauma both of myself and the character along with a few of the common symptoms.

Second off: I am not fully excusing all of c!Tommy's actions, I simply want to explain why he did it and why it triggers me personally.

Lastly: You are allowed to dislike or even hate the character for whatever reason you do. Like above, I only wish to explain why some sentiments about the character are triggering for me personally.

I want to start this off by saying that the entirety of the mcyt has a problem and even sometimes bordering on weird obsession with trauma, mental illness/disability, child soldiers, war, ect ect. It is honestly a very, very long list that I do not have the time to go into right now, but those are just some to name a few. I have seen them on both side of fetishization to bastardization and both very much trigger me because it both makes me feel like something to look at along with making me want to hide who I truly am.

For the past several years I have been hiding from myself, hiding from my trauma, ignoring the fact I was abused, so on so forth. This was all down to how society saw me, but it was also because I was raised to believe these things that were a part of me were not there because they looked like someone else.

Rounding back to the proper topic, or at least trying my best to. c!Tommy, along with many other characters on DSMP, show their trauma and PTSD through anger and rage. These things, the way they show them, make me feel valid for how I feel and react to things. They don't make me feel happy, but they make me feel like it's at least partially okay and even normal to be mad at the world.

What the fandom wants from these characters, them to sit and cry dramatically into the wind while a best friend or lover wipes away their tears, is what SOCIETY and the whole world wants from people like me. They want us to sit still an exist as a prop, and if we even look like we're going act another way? They'll abandon and hate us at the drop of a fucking hat.

The second c!Tommy and c!Tubbo started to act on their trauma, the second they got mad and yell and fought and did something instead of nothing, the fandom made them both out to be villains. After that? You had Villaininnit as a popular theory/headcanon/au for a decent amount of time and c!Tubbo somehow being treated both as a hero and a villain at the same time.

Go further into the future? c!Tommy is back to dramatically crying in the wind. c!Tubbo is just treated as some quirky dumbass with nukes, his trauma only occasionally being brought and it's almost exclusively to compare him to c!Wilbur or c!Techno. c!Ranboo is seen as a soft boy, the relatable one of the group who has severe memory issues that are joked about, and for some fucking reason him attacking and killing his own goddamn child is a fucking trope used solely for drama and nothing else.

These are the only characters, oh boy they are NOT the only characters who are treated like this. I know that, but it hurts more for people to be yelling at fictional kids rather than adults.

On the child soldier thing, it is also heavily romanticized for similar reasons to the trauma stuff, though here it's more focused on naive kids then anything else. I personally have no strict feelings towards it, mostly because I see their canon ages as being close to their irl ages. This all being said, aging the characters up in your mind and getting mad when they don't "act their age" is fucking triggering and awful. As a fucking ten year old I was always told that I needed to "act my age" and sit still or something, I was even slapped and spanked for not following the rules which caused to get trauma. Because of this trauma, I flinch everytime someone raises their hand or their voice. I know that this sounds very off topic and a "me problem", but I feel like it's important to explain why this phrase is horrible and should never fucking be used.

Sorry for the trauma dump their.

Last thing I want to do is round back towards the anger mention and once again explain a story of my own. Once, back when I had a therapist and was just realizing I had trauma from abuse, just told me with the straightest face possible "anger and hatred are bad for you. You should move on from him" as if the boy who abused me didn't intend to break me. Forgiving abusers is okay if you are the abused. Being mad at the abuser is okay if you are the abused. These are two lessons I have learned since then and are now things I project onto OCs and comfort characters because they make my anger feel valid. I know this emotion is bad for me, but I have moved on from what happened and still feel anger and hatred and hurt for what had happened to me.

I'm sorry I posted about this twice. I'm sorry if my point didn't get across. I'm sorry if this counts as cross posting. This fucking fandom just needs to hear words from the mouth of someone who knows how c!Tommy feels and I hope to god you all fix your bullshit.

Goodbye.

[hotchley]

The Intro

Hi, I’m Sumayyah!

You’ve reached the Aaron Hotchner Is Not Cold Headquarters. Here, we appreciate Aaron Hotchner and understand that as a human, he did mess up and we should understand that, but that he’s not cold.

Also, soft!hotch rights.

There will be no Haley Hotchner or William LaMontagne Jr slander either. I love both of them so much and they both deserved better from the writers and the fandom.

My asks are currently on and I love talking to people so please don’t be shy! 

Just keep it SFW. And please don’t send me anything relating to suicide, I’m not sure I’m able to answer those properly right now.

And if you want an emoji, go ahead and tack one on to your ask!

I currently have a 🐨, 🦄 and a ☀️ anon, but everything else in on the table!

Writing

I write things! If you want, you can go read:

original writing

in which you can find my original writings blog and the novel i published on wattpad earlier this year

fanfics

in which hotch gets hurt a lot but most of them end with comfort... not all, but most

baby hotchner au

in which a case going wrong leads to hotch being turned into a child with vague memories of his life up to the age he is

drabbles

in which there is little plot but lots of random moments, sadness, a small amount of comfort and introspection

healing

in which each member of the bau attempts to help hotch’s grief after episode 100

the conversations series

in which the conversations we were robbed of on the show are written by me, so don’t expect the world of it

headcanons

in which, you realise that the reason they exist is because i am too lazy to turn them into proper fics or drabbles

criminal minds ships as taylor swift songs

in which i give me totally unprofessional opinion on what taylor swift songs remind me of random ships

morehotchcontent2020

in which the lovely @ablogofthecriminalmindsvariety gave us the most beautiful prompts for a week worth of hotch-centric fics

sumayyah has 300

everything from my 300 celebration! (or everything i’ve done so far which is admittedly not a lot whoops...)

Triggers

I will tag any and all triggers that you need! You can either send an ask, on anon if you want, or a PM. Nothing is silly or stupid! I want this blog to be a safe space for everyone, and that includes you! Current triggers, which follow the system of tw [trigger name] are:

implied child abuse, child abuse, abuse, food mention, food, major character death, death, blood, suicide, implied suicidal thoughts, implied suicide, suicidal thoughts, grief, cancer, child murder, child death, murder, alcohol, self-harm, guns, gun mention, pregnancy, miscarriage, csa, religion, religious trauma, homophobia, stalking, drug addiction, disordered eating, weight, hospitals, panic attacks, medication, ptsd, unhealthy thoughts, trauma, trauma responses

I know the list is long and daunting but it’s everything I have ever talked about on here, so please don’t be afraid, and keep yourself safe!

Tagging

My personal tag is #sumayyah stop so if you would rather not hear about my day or “personal” life, feel free to black list it

My asks are now being tagged with: #people talk to me if you would rather not hear me ramble about Hotch’s emotions or say even stupider shit than normal.

When I liveblog what I’m writing, or share excerpts/snippets from current projects, or answer asks relating to WIPs or my novel, they will be tagged with #sumayyah talks writing

If something has a ship in it, I will tag that ship for the purpose of filtering!

Accessibility

This blog uses tone indicators in an attempt to be more accessible. The most common ones I use are/probably will be:

/s: sarcasm, /j: joke, /lh: light-hearted, /nm: not mad, /lu: little upset, /nbh: nobody here (probably if I go off on one about the way a character is treated by the writers and fandom)

I will also try and remember to add image descriptions to pictures- bear with me on those because I’m not very good at knowing what is meant to go in them

If there is anything you would like me to do in order to make it more accessible, please feel free to send an ask or a PM! I want everyone here to feel safe!

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon back again. I had a sort of writers block for the last like 2 days which made it really hard to do some questions, but I got em done finally. Sorry about the wait. This one is split between the numbered questions, and next ask is the other questions you asked!

I think I accidentally skipped a question in the last one. I honestly don't completely remember but in case I did skip it by mistake, the groups first travel out of the city's limits and even further beyond in a carriage. When they reach the end of how far the driver is willing to go they then get out and start walking. With Jackie screaming about how their finally going on a adventure. 

1: It thankfully doesn't get to to bad before the others notice. And he immediately told them about Dream, wanting to be very clear with what happened and what they where getting themselves into. But they accepted him anyway and helped him. 

2: Isaac is the leader cause Cletus is too much of a wildcard and too impulsive to lead safely, Charles is too shy to lead, and while Benjamin is perfect for leading he doesnt really like leading and is more of a follower than a leader. But Isaac can joke around and gets along with everyone but also be able to take things seriously and know when something needs to be handled.

5: They do not, they last for a few minutes and unless its a healing or regeneration potion (in which it can take a few days for it to fully go away) they have no long lasting affects. They do know of eachothers past to an extent, they know enough to avoid triggers and enough to know what not to do when around eachother. They know through telling eachother, and they feel awful Grievous and Jackie had to deal with that, but leave it in the past and focus on making their current life better. 

6: Yes and no, while Jackie did mean to throw it at Ran, he ment for it to just hit nearby him, not directly hit him. It was ment to be more of a scare/intimidation tactic than anything else honestly. Grievous's luck is for basically everything, he has won the lottery twice before actually but only those 2 times, he's correctly guessed how many items are in a container more than a few times as well. 

7: I use the height charts and they help mostly for comparison, problem is I have trouble applying it to real world stuff and because of that I still have trouble knowing if something or someone is to tall or short. Jackie can get very mean, like he can make fun of someone who just lost a loved one or experienced a traumatic event at the worst. But he usually doesn't get nearly that mean, most he does normally is making fun of how someone looks or how they do certain things. The others comfort him the best they can when he gets sad, and when he gets mean they either encourage it (Grievous), or discourage it and stop him (Watson. Ran is between either encouraging or discouraging it).

8: He was! He spent most of his life adventuring actually! He misses it somedays now since he lives in Subbin, but he believes giving up his adventuring life for a family and friends who needed him is a more than far trade and would happily pick his family over adventuring again. For around 4 years after Ran left Mizu (including the day he left), Ran traveled everywhere, and learned how to survive himself and taught himself different things, like sewing. Ran has made new socks, fixed clothes, and made blankets for everyone at least once. Watson also designs bows and arrows for show, for top functionality, and for just simple (training) gifts to the others. Ran (and Watson) has visited the nether, though Ran tended to stay in it longer than Watson cause he could withstand the temperatures better. And while digging a new tunnel across the nether he ran into ancient debris, which he then messed with until he figured out to mix it with gold and coat his sword in it. He tried to find more ancient debris but sadly hasn't found any, leaving his sword permanently damaged and at risk of breaking. Jackie isn't good at all at painting, its more of a hobby he's trying out. They try to camp out there at least once a week, where Grievous will sometimes build a pillowfort and either force everyone inside or play a game of capture the fort with them. Sometimes Ran will also read during the pillowfort nights, but not to often. Jackie wants to vist a Snow, Savanna, Jungle,  Tagia, and if possible, a Ice Spike biome. He also wants to vist the nether but he'll have to fight Ran on that. Ran and Jackie's secondary titles are in Javanese!

9: Ran just kinda went "Hey Jackie, stand still for a second." "Ok?" And then he just picked him up and threw up. 

10: When he's first given dinner after already eaten lunch, he just kinda stares at the food. Then asks if they meant to give him food, and when the others say yes, he asks why because he thought people only ate once every few days. His answer shocked the others and they ask him to explain, and he explains futher that he was only allowed to eat and drink once every 3 days. Their horrified by this answer but explain to him how theres 3 meals a day and he can drink whenever, he doesn't believe them at first but eventually accepts it. 

11: When the fishermen first come to Ranbob about their worry, he expresses the same worry as them. But says that it's unlikely Ran will hurt the fishermen specifically, because Rans haunting are already friends with them, and Ran wouldnt risk breaking the friendship unless he deemed it necessary for their safety. 

12: Ranbob is sad that Ran goes to such lengths to avoid him and keep people away from him, but he has resigned himself to it. As he knew that if Ran was alive it was greatly unlikely that he would trust him and knew he would be avoided. Which is actually particularly why he believes Ran will never trust him again and why he views Ran as a kind of lost family member. One he'll never get back no matter what he does.

13: Their first stop is a nearby flower biome, and after that Watson has planned to lead them to a waterfall he found with a shattered Savanna somewhat close to it. They plan to travel for a minimum of 6 months, they can actually travel for as long as they want to, but Prokius made them agree that they must be back before the next General Pit Battles (which happens once every 5 years). 

14: He would 100% run himself into the ground until he's barely alive while searching for them. Benjamin compares Ranbob wanting to go back to Dream, to an abused person wanting to go back to their abusive lover. They believe they've changed and that they truly do love them and want the best for them, but in reality that's not it at all and others have to help them see thats not true and help them save themselves. So it doesn't surprise Benjamin or Isaac that much (it surprises Charles and Cletus though), and after its explained to them, their all more than willing to help Ranbob get over Dream and help him be himself again.

15: Oh definitely. Once they hear the Green-Eyed Enderman is back from hiding they all set out again, and after the group gets attacked and once word spreads that its in a group and there's another enderman with them, they all get targeted. With the Gladiators and Fishermen being targeted as bait or hostages to try to trick the enderman into following a trap. Ran wasnt affected like his brother was. Im talking about trauma and maybe even a bit of PTSD that came from Mizu, caused by Dream. Though both of the brothers have gained different amounts of trauma and PTSD from Dream. I may give the raven to either Watson or Ran, I think its fits both of them really well. I want to have them come across ruins of other Tales but im not sure which ones. Maybe they could find the remains of the Wild West Tale and the Haunted Mansion?

Glad to see you, Brothers Anon, and excited to read!

1: The perfect start to an Adventure. And a funny mental image. Imagining these two groups cramped into carriages is pretty amusing. How ready was everyone to get out by the time they could?

2: The fishermen are really great, and Ranbob is very lucky. I love them.

3: Isaac sounds like he’s a pretty good fit for it then. But nobody’s perfect! What are some flaws of his, leadership-wise?

5: Interesting. What makes Regeneration and Healing last longer? I suppose it’s not relative to the AU, but I am a bit curious. What’s the world’s potions mechanisms, if you don’t mind me asking? And that’s good! They may not know everything, but they know what to avoid, and that’s important. Everyone’s moved forward and are making the best of life, and honestly, that’s pretty cool of them.

6: Welp, Jackie, it seems intimidation tactic failed. However, you have managed to anger Ran, so..there’s that. He won the lottery? Dang. Well, if they ever need money, they can just send him to the nearest casino, I suppose.

7: Aight, so I may have a solution for you there. Whatever height you’re going for, find something in real life that’s just about the same height. Like a tree, or something. Or not, we can always just leave it at short enough to be tossed and tall enough to be the tosser. Jackie sounds like he knows where to hit to make it hurt, honestly. It’s good that they comfort him, though I am curious why they all react as they do to him being mean. Why does Grievous encourage it? And is it more of a depends on the day thing for Ran, or a depends on what was said to Jackie, and what Jackie’s saying thing?

8: Nice! What kind of places did he go? Does he have any particularly interesting knickknacks from that time period? And Ran personally sounds like he knows what he’s doing. Watson’s weapons sound really cool, where did he learn to make them? Is visiting the Nether not a common occurrence these days? Or is it simply that the others never got around to it before? Well, hobbies are always fun to try. Does Jackie keep at it and get better or get bored and try something else? How does Capture the Fort go with these guys, considering they’re gladiators? Why does Jackie want to visit those particular biomes? Is there a reason, or do they just sound cool to him? And why would Ran not want them going to the Nether? Because of the danger?

9: FDXGHJ- He just- tossed him?? No warning?? Oh my gods, I’m dying. How did Jackie react to that? Heck, how did Porkius react to that? I doubt anyone was expecting that display.

10: Oh, no. Now I really want to punch Dream in the face. What the heck, Dream?! He legit asks if they meant to give him food...If one of the fishermen or gladiators doesn’t eventually find a way to punch Dream, I will be forced to travel realities and do it myself. 

11: Kind of sad that Ranbob was equally concerned about it. But hey! He won’t have to be, one day!

12: Poor Ranbob. I hope he’s proven wrong, eventually. Do the fishermen know that he thinks this? If so, how do they feel about it? Or does he kind of just keep those thoughts to himself?

13: Flower biomes are really pretty. What did everyone think about it? Did they bring any flowers with them? So this roadtrip could possibly go on for a few years. Did they leave just after a General Pit Battle, or do they have like, less than five years? Speaking of General, is Jackie still the General in this AU? Does he have extra duties because of it? Or is that not something that happened in this AU?

14: Yikes. Reactions to this? Why does Ranbob believe Dream’s changed, as you put it? Is Dream still able to talk to him, or is it because he just misses being there? So Benjamin and Isaac aren’t all that surprised about it. Do they take the reins in helping out? And how do they all do so? It’s good that they’re helping him though.

15: Well, this sounds like it can’t end well. They try to use the hauntings as bait? Is anyone actually captured? Rescue missions? And alright, that makes a bit more sense. I can see how they’d both be effected differently, and honestly, they’d probably both have very different perspectives of the event, all things considered. Ravens for the win! And it’d be really cool for them to come across the ruins of old Tales buildings. Can you imagine the kind of things they’d find? Diaries, faded photographs, moth-eaten clothes, blood stained floors...Like a walk in the past, but they’ll never know what came to be for the people of that time.

[talenlee]

The Johnlock Conspiracy Conspiracy

First of all this is going to be building off a point first cast into relief for me by Sarah Z’s video on The Johnlock Conspiracy. She is both directly connected with the experience of this space and did the research into the actual history of the people involved, a sort of on-the-spot observer recounting her experiences ethnographically. If you want a longer form deep dive on what The Johnlock Conspiracy is, check out that video. I will be providing a quick summary.

I’m also going to talk about fanagement, which I wrote about last year, which is about the way that fan engagement was seen as being a thing that corporate entities could deliberately engage for commercial ends. Fanagement isn’t necessarily an inherently evil or corrupting thing, but it’s something to know about as something that exists, and knowing it exists can colour your relationship to the media created in response to fanagement.

There’s this idea of ‘The Johnlock conspiracy.’

In the agonisingly mediocre BBC mystery drama Sherlock that ran from who cares to also who cares, starring in the loosest sense of the word Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman (a man ‘renowned’ for this, The Office and the Hobbit trilogy, on a scale of poisonous influence to actual outright evil), as a modern day re-imagining of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson that has some interesting ideas that it absolutely does not use well, mysteries that are not interesting and a relationship tension that was making itself up as it went along. Much ink has been spilled about how this series is not very good, and that’s good, because it’s a very expensively made bad series that banks on the reliable draw of the same fistful of boring privilege.

Part of what made it popular, sort of, was the tension of the relationship between John and Sherlock. See, they were both men, you see, and what if they kissed.

Now, tumblr is, by volume, mostly connections to other parts of tumblr. If you make something popular, it becomes amplified and exploded and brought to the attention of others and curated into lists. Content that gets shared is the very sinew of what Tumblr is, which means that doing things people share around is a strange form of primacy on the site. Making content is powerful, heady, druglike. Commanding curation where you determine what does and does not get shared is even moreso. It is a space for an audience that is engaged deeply with the concept of being engaged, and in this space, fandom happened.

There’s not a lot of Sherlock. There were big gaps between the seasons. When a season came out, it did not explain itself or deliver on its promise at all. It is, as I’ve said, bad. But it was well made and used actors you’d heard of and was treated as being prestigious and so, when the show came out, and because people liked the idea of what it could be, fandom struck on a conspiracy:

What if this terrible show is secretly great?

And I understand the impulse. It’s heart to a lot of fandom. I can’t possibly have spent this time and energy on something I don’t like, it must be that the thing I like is secretly this thing I really like. And so scaffolding comes out to buttress the idea. We’re not taught that fandom is right – we’re taught that fandom is something that justifies itself by being right. If you have a story in your heart about a Dark Fuckprince and his soft bean injured Watson, that story is real and right, and doesn’t need the official endorsement of the BBC to be good.

Without that armour of love, though, instead the fandom turned into this endless oroborous of hostility centered around three people, who seem to just be total dickheads, great job you. This resulted in the blossoming of what was known as ‘the Johnlock Conspiracy,’ where through thousands of pages of well intentioned fumes, these fans huffed themselves into believing that Steven Moffat and Mark Gattis were secretly building up to exactly what they wanted, and they were the smartest people ever for noticing it. The lack of payoff of their beliefs and the active hostility Moffat had to their ideas and positions in person, that was all part of the conspiracy.

Oh, by the way, that idea – conspiracy – is when you have an unfalsifiable conjecture. If you can’t prove it false, no matter what, that’s when you’re dealing with a conspiracy theory.

The dramatic conclusion to all this was the series ended, their conspiracy was wrong, they theorycrafted themselves a few more months of content, and then most people let it drop.

But what if I told you there was a conspiracy?

Because there was. It just wasn’t the conspiracy they thought.

See, a conspiracy is a real thing: it’s a secret plan to do something harmful. And the BBC, since they published the work that Matt Hill described in Torchwoods Trans-Transmedia: Media Tie-Ins and Brand Fanagement, worked with the parameters of their experiment aggressively.

The idea, as I outlined in my article about Fanagement was that making the program so it could engage fans directly, and give fans feelings of creative ownership over the work would drive viewership and the kinds of engagement they liked (like, paying for things). Fanagement sought to make media ‘gifable’ – low saturation backgrounds with cuts of under a second so you could break a scene apart easily and conveniently. It wanted to make fan media easy to make, and to minimise hard declarative statements.

The lessons learned from this paper included things like ship teasing as a deliberate task – and I do mean teasing, with the idea that you had to do it in deniable and ambiguous ways. Making things definite wouldn’t get you as much fan engagement as keeping things ambiguous, because fans would make an inference based on what you show them, talk about it, then other fans would watch it again to make sure they could argue with you about it.

A mystery show like Sherlock was perfect for this kind of treatment. Treating the series as if there was some really deep, thoughtful question at the heart of it meant that there was always a reason to keep from ‘revealing’ the secret of the story, to string the audience along, like they’d believe or tolerate it, if it was all in service of a clever explanation. You get it, right? After all, we gave you all the clues.

The toxic fandom of Sherlock did not form as much as it was fostered.

A lesson from this experience, a lesson easily escaping notice, is that it’s not that ‘fandoms are all the same.’ They really aren’t. They are wildly varying in the terms of their problems and those problems root causes. What they tend to have in common is dynamics, but those dynamics are expressed in a lot of different ways. It’s not that ‘fandoms’ naturally become toxic and awful. There are fandoms that are generally, quite nice, and they tend to be that way because of the values of the central movers and shakers and the conscious willingness of people who perceive themselves as part of the fandom as taking care of it. The dynamic is the same – you have common nexuses of community that people interact with – and the kind of behaviour that’s acceptable and reasonable is filtered through them. If the idea of asking people to modify their behaviour or respect people’s boundaries is seen as unreasonable, then you can get a toxic space.

Also, as I talk about ‘toxic fandoms,’ understand toxicity is relative. There is, after all, a very real, very unironic Hitler Fandom, and they are probably one of the worst fandoms out there. Being a mean lawyer on the internet is bad, and I’ve no doubt the fandom curators known now as the Powerpuff Girls absolutely wrecked some teenagers’ lives – like, there are definitely people with, I am not joking or being hyperbolic, some PTSD triggers about (say) Tumblr or whatnot, based on the kind of social force these people were leveraging.

And then remember that holding that lever at the high end, right at the top with the most power over it was a company that made TV shows that was trying to make sure you watched their shows.

Also: The tools for doing this are available to all the companies that read the paper.

My advice? Exhort and uplift queer creators. Be positive about it, not negative. Don’t make your time about attacking other people’s dark fuckprince. Bring what you like to life, and bring that life into the light. Share and love each other, rather than find reasons to be mad at one another for how you’re all playing with toys a corporation wants you to treat with respect and only play properly. And as always, the standard you walk past is the standard you accept – so make sure your fandom circles aren’t putting up with some Powerpuff Girls.

Originally posted on my Blog.

[willadisastercry]

tw: voltron and anxiety

my brain has just accepted it as fact that Lance was most likely head hostage negotiator for his friends’ sanity while in space and let me tell you why

first order of business: i must establish that Lance is cannocially a goofball. this is factual and cannon. he is confident and charming and assertive and always the first to make a stupid joke just to put everyone at ease or piss them off because he loves them and that’s his thing. he wants to annoy the shit out of them and make them laugh not only because they need it but because he does too.

while i’ve seen a lot of posts suggesting Lance could have ADHD (and while i pretty much agree in that deduction and what i suggest in this post goes hand in hand with this disorder in particular, it requires a more thorough explanation that i as someone with adhd feel like they can provide a solid reasoning behind this theory) i think it can more simply be put as a headcannon that he has general anxiety or a generalized anxiety disorder that manifests in his self worth/esteem making him require more validation, affection, assurance despite his own portrayal of confidence and security (of which is a coping mechanism meshed with pre-existing personality traits). this is done through humor and affection for others, i. e. why he’s the “class clown” of which is a common example used for this type of behavior.

i recognize that voltron is a team of TEENAGERS at war in and entirely new enviornment with none of their usual comforts who have lots of hormones and logical fears that they have to navigate all while tasked with an immense responsibility. that’s stressful in and of itself. but this leads my brain to come to the obvious conclusion that any time a member of voltron exhibited anxiety, so like showed symptoms that they were about to have a panic attack, were stuck in a pattern of irrational thinking, showed harmful coping behaviors related to irrational fear, etc. Lance would sus it out and be at their side immediately to talk them down. no funny business. no jokes until he was sure they were feeling better. his cockiness would disappear and instead he’d be calm, he was always so composed, so comforting. he wouldn’t leave their side until it passed. he’d check on them throughout the day to make sure they hadn’t gotten worked up again. he’d even probably recognized their individual triggers and symptoms and became the only one who could effectively talk them down. every single one. it didn’t matter if they were in the middle of a mission. if something happened to trigger them he would drop whatever he was doing to go to their aid. he had been dealing with this his whole life, and they had just been introduced to such an intense dose of it and were expected to perform. in a hostile environment! and Lance being the softhearted goof he is definitely wouldn’t forgive himself if they got hurt or hurt themselves when he could’ve helped.

and so... Lance has assigned himself an enormous task because he’s Lance. everyone has sort of caught on to this and just accept Lance as being so strangely in tune with their well-being in this regard, all of them having varying degrees of understanding why, the general picture being it likely runs in his family and he is well aversed in both experiencing it and mollifying it. so when ever Shiro is hit by a flash back or has gone catatonic in a more intense episode of his cannon PTSD, it’s Lance and Keith at his side making sure he’s safe from hurting himself, they protect him from getting hurt if it happens in the middle of a mission, and from possibly hurting the people around him. Lance is a light sleeper and is often woken up by light cries and whimpers of his friends having nightmares, depending on which direction they come from warrants his level of concern (he goes by where their room is and the pitch of their cries, because they all get nightmares every now and again, they’re at ~war~ and it’s traumatizing, but some of his friends have worse reactions and tendencies in that state) and sometimes if they never quiet he’ll wait up to make sure they fall asleep okay and that no one hurts themselves in their delirium. and similarly, when Keith is rocked by a string of sleepless, nightmare ridden nights or occasional bouts of insomnia (neither officially established as cannon) and turns up to breakfast sleep deprived and sluggish Lance keeps an eye on him, takes it easy on him with his chiding, watches to see that he doesn’t over exert himself and end up snapping at someone and then crumbling from an exhaustion induced anxiety attack, especially when they’re out on a mission where the stakes are higher to maintain your composure. Lance is there when Hunk who is the most expressively anxious of the bunch is feeling particularly skiddish about a circumstance or on a dangerous mission or in anticipation of one of their teammates stumbling out of their cryopod in tact. he is especially good at knowing what’ll trigger his best friend and can usually manage some reassuring words before he goes full fight or flight and loses his lunch. but what’s most impressive is when he gets through to Pidge. she is a perfectionist, she needs constant intellectual stimulation to calm her nerves but the long hours she spends straining her eyes and her brain is also what makes her inclined to breakdown after a tough mission or during a difficult training session or from aparticularly tactless joke from one of the boys about her height and the like, but especially from frustration about not being able to solve a problem. but when Pidge breaks down it’s like next level bad, her usual practicality and composure utterly abandoned since when she’s lost her logical exterior it’s after a long time of surpressing her emotions, so if she has started crying she usually can’t get herself to stop, on several occasions hyperventilating and passing out. Lance seems to be the only one whose reassuring words she can prescribe to. he does breathing excercises with her to regain a normal breathing pattern and let’s her fall asleep on his chest so she can feel the rise and fall and emulate it. There’s fully now a whumpy fic that i wrote about this dynamic... here.

and the entire team is there to support Lance when he has an episode of his own anxiety. though he is really good at rationalizing his intrusive thoughts when he’s overwhelmed or panicked, it’s all of his good vibes only bs that helps him neutralize most of his anxiety before it builds. but when it does build up it usually manifests in him breaking down over the thought that he might never see his family again, it’s constricting, it’s the only thing he can’t rationalize. his team is very aware of this and try to comfort him before he spirals and usually catch it. Pidge even tries to do his own breathing techniques with him sometimes. and Hunk is especially good at calming him after a nightmare that he wakes up screaming from, usually about his family member dying or him dying before he gets to say goodbye, but Hunk is there whispering mantras in spanish to him until he calms down enough to go back to sleep.

so basically Lance is voltron’s emotional support animal and no one can convince me otherwise.

i digress.