#i have a massage appointment on thursday morning

[ineffable-rohese]

Ah, yes. The Stress has fucked up my back/shoulder muscles so bad that any pressure on my arms or sometimes just moving them makes them fall asleep.

So, you know, that's fun.

[kimhortons]

1st of april | self-care

today is easter monday in AU, wala kaming pasok. so i went to legazpi for my doctor's appointment, and finally get to talk with my doctor na parang pinag samang alden richards at ben&ben sa kapogian, chariz! haha told J about it, inasar pa ako haha.

anyway, so wala naman daw ako dapat ika worry, medyo mataas lang yung sugar pero wala pa naman sa range na matatawag ng diabetic, kailangan lang daw ng lifestyle change—as usual, diet and exercise. and bumalik sa normal yung bp ko, siguro nga nag work yung kaka pineapple juice ko kahit in-acid ako haha, tsaka nag bawas din talaga ako ng rice at salty foods.

ewan, may times lang siguro talaga na tumataas yung dugo ko dahil nasa work ako kasi nakaka high blood naman talaga mga tao dun, chariz haha. ayun, diet and exercise, kahit walking or running lang then pag nagkaron daw ng problem balik nalang daw ako.

habang nag hihintay ako kanina kay doc, lahat ng mga kasabay ko dun may mga kasama, ako lang yung mag isa. naisip ko tuloy, in-embrace ko na naman pagiging strong independent woman. pero deep inside medyo kinakabahan ako kasi baka may something pala tas sana kasama ko si J kasi gutom na ko, edi sana nabilhan niya ako ng food eme. haha. pero azza strong independent girlie, syempre tiniis ko gutom ko. lol

buti nalang short lang yung meeting namin ni doc, after that i went to SM na para kumain. tapos nasa isip ko na naman habang kumakain "see, kaya ko naman kumain mag isa di naman malungkot. take your time, ijudge mo nalang lahat ng madadaanan ng mga mata mo" hahaha.

nung una balak ko sana talaga magpa trim ng hair sa ayala, then magpa footspa sa SM kaso tinamad na ko kasi magpapabalik balik pa ako. kaya i decided to have footspa nalang since nasa SM naman na ko tas pina pedicure ko nalang din. sabi ko sa sarili ko sa sahod nalang ako magpapa trim ng hair, which is this coming weekend. plan ko narin isabay na magpa full body massage ulit at magpa palit ng gel polish sa weekend.

will try to ask sila zha na gawin na naming routine ang walking sa puro every wednesday and thursday. tapos aayain ko rin si J na mag walking din kami every sunday morning kung hindi sila tamarin haha. i know ang tagal ko narin sinasabi na plan ko talaga mag gym, pero i can't commit kasi nga mahal ang membership. ayaw kasi namin dun sa gym na in partnership ng company namin kasi ang sikip daw saka napaka crowded. kaya balak ko nalang kumuha ng sarili kong membership or kahit yung mga day pass lang. tsaka parang wala narin kasi nag aavail ng gym membership samin, sana maisip nila palitan ulit.

[mandana-the-service-pup]

Mandana’s orthopedic consultation was not fun. Yesterday the neurologist offered to have his colleague look her over to make sure the back pain wasn’t an orthopedic issue. I was really happy to have another expert check her out before going ahead with the MRI.

What I wasn’t expecting was to be gaslit by an old white guy and his apprentice. From start to finish we were with him for 15 minutes. In that time I could only tell him a fraction of the problem and her medical history surrounding it before he declared Mandana perfectly healthy and “there’s nothing wrong with her” and “that’s just a sensitive spot on dogs, like between their toes”

She may not be in pain this morning but chronic back pain is something she has been dealing with since at least 2022. We’ve done massage, stretches, canine conditioning classes, acupuncture, chiropractor, red laser therapy, NSAIDs, Low Dose Naltrexone and now Librela. You can’t tell me I’ve been making it up this whole time and she’s actually fine. I watch her back twitch and her fur stand up in that spot. I feel the obvious heat coming from that area when she’s having a pain flare. I witness how she stops playing abruptly, avoids activity, has trouble sleeping and swings her head back towards her back when it hurts. I KNOW she is in pain.

So yeah I cried in the parking lot. I appreciate him checking her out. He didn’t charge me for the appointment even though I offered to pay. The neurologist is still moving forward with the MRI. He is a lot more convinced of her issues and that’s all that matters at this point. As far as pain management goes, the Librela injections are helping so much and she has her second scheduled for two weeks from now. She is able to do more and go longer without pain, so the MRI is to make sure we aren’t missing anything that could be made worse by her increased activity now that she’s feeling better.

I’m really hopeful the Librela will help and we can finally move past this. I know what it’s like to live in pain and it doesn’t matter if she can do mobility tasks or not I don’t want her limited because of this. Her appointment is scheduled for 8:15 am Thursday morning. She has separation anxiety at the vet so I made sure she will be first in line. I won’t be able to stay with her for the sedation in this scenario but she will be taken straight back to do the MRI so she won’t have to wait around in their kennels.

[robinruns]

What a day. Oof.

(editing Robin here, this got long, sticking it under a cut)

I couldn't get up to get a workout in... or make lunch for myself... or breakfast. I did pack my gym bag with the intention of going to the gym after work because it is both hot (summer) and the air quality is garbage (Canada blowing smoke on us). First hour of work was literally one of the most excruciatingly boring meetings I've had to sit through. We got a massive software update and it will taking used to since so many things are just like second nature to me. There are lots of bugs still that kinda make me question why they weren't sorted out in the literal years this has been in development. It's gonna be even more of a cluster fuck tomorrow I think because we have to do the end of the month work. Oh and the fuckin window washers were there so I think I lost a solid hour and a half right off the top this morning. Ugh.

Not having a lunch meant I had to go to the grocery store for lunch. Going to the grocery store meant going out in the gross haze, and then of course, bad choices were made. Bad choices that involve getting a big bag of chocolates and then eating like 90% of it, so my therapist will be hearing about that on... whatever fuckin day I have therapy again. Next Thursday? I dunno. I had to cancel my appointment this week because I had to take my car to the mechanic. Then karma came around and I got my massage appointment (that was supposed to be this afternoon) canceled on me. Whatever. It's not like it wasn't already rescheduled once.

So with a gut full of chocolate, almonds, and bad choices, I went home instead of the gym. Well not directly home, I stopped off at the library and got the book I placed on hold last week. I dunno how long I have it for though. Whoops. My mom says the shortest time that you can have a book checked out is typically 2 weeks, so I'm gonna try to have it done in two weeks.

With all the commotion this morning I completely forgot about Frank's reverb sale until about 10:30 and of course like everything was gone. Oh well. I did get the We Didn't Start the Fire (1989-2023) (Fall Out Boy's Version) (from the Vault) 7" vinyl though. And the Benadryl Subreddit 7" from LS Dunes as well the other day. And new Taking Back Sunday is coming on Friday. Small glimmers of hope on the horizon.

I just feel mentally and emotionally spent this week and we're only halfway through. Tumblr hasn't been the refuge it sometimes is, so I deleted the app from my phone with the intention of just clearing my head from it for a while. I get notifs of asks and I'm like "Oh great, what method of suicide will the anons be suggesting now? Will they be creative this time, or go with an old standby?" Fun times.

I lowkey (highkey) hate that I'm hungry right now. Like I know mentally that I have had a disgusting and inappropriate amount of food this afternoon, but sadly chocolates are not filling. The self loathing is high. The desire to do something desperate is high. The knowledge that my clothes won't fit well is weighing (ha) down on me like crazy and it just makes me panic and again, makes me want to overcorrect in the other direction. How did I end up on the mailing list for 75 Hard? Probably another time like this. But maybe it's what I need? But do they account for dangerously hazardous weather with their outdoor workout requirement? Like? I get the idea of getting out in the rain or cold, but like wildfire smoke? Eh.

So the last few days have not been fun. Could be worse (NOT A SUGGETSION UNIVERSE), but sure as hell could be better.

[spaciousreasoning]

Following Up

Wednesday morning’s blood sugar was down a little bit more to 233. We had oatmeal for the morning meal once again. Then I spent a little more time doing work for a client. It should pay for my coffee tomorrow.

Nancy spent a few minutes talking with our financial advisers about her Chase Bank account and the monthly fee being charged since we paid off the mortgage. She had planned to cancel the Chase account, but the loan for our new Subaru is through Chase. It was a special low interest rate, so finding another loan might mean an increase in payments. We might need to simply drop a big chunk of change in the Chase account until the car loan is paid off in six or seven years. No telling where we might be at that point in our lives.

Nancy also had an afternoon appointment for massage with the same person who works on her daughter and son-in-law. She really liked the treatment, so I might schedule my own massage with the same therapist.

While waiting for Nancy to get her massage, I paid a visit to the Subaru dealer nearby to ask about the “warnings” that have popped up lately when we start the car. They say it’s time to change the oil and oil filter and get a maintenance check. According to the dealership, we won’t need an oil change until we’ve put 6,000 miles on the car or six months have passed. We’re not quite to 3,000 miles yet, so the mileage will more likely be the deciding factor. Unless the little warnings are trying to tell us something else.

The two agents I had hoped to speak with weren’t available, but I did get pointed to the car wash run by the same car sales family. It was more or less around the corner from the Subaru dealership, but when I arrived there was an enormous line of cars waiting to be washed. I did not wait.

I returned to Valley River Center to wander about until time to pick up Nancy. Like a lot of malls these days, there was not a lot of activity. The food court area was sparsely populated, though at 3 p.m. that might not have been unusual. And walking the rest of the mall I also encountered very few customers.

When Nancy was done, we paid a visit to Trader Joe’s to pick up about a dozen items on our grocery list, then headed home for a nap. Nancy got up before I did, and when I finally wandered back into the kitchen to see what the noise was about, she had already put together a salad and the fettuccine Alfredo was simmering on the stove.

After dinner we finished compiling the recyclables for Thursday’s pickup and put them and the trash on the curb. Then we went for a walk around the neighborhood at about 7 p.m. The temperature had already dropped to 80 degrees by then, but the light breeze made it feel much cooler.

We met a neighbor along the route. She was out mowing her lawn, and Nancy wanted to know what she had done to create such a green landscape. We chatted about that and other features of Oregon life for several minutes before continuing our walk.

It was exactly one year ago when we came to Oregon to visit Nancy’s family. The day we arrived the high temperature was 101 degrees and there was heavy smoke around from all the nearby fires. The heat and smoke dissipated within the first week, and the remainder of our visit was quite enjoyable.

But we did not have any thoughts at that time of moving here. Not until the heat we returned to in Tucson continued well into October did we consider a move. When we did, of course, Oregon was the primary location, mainly due to all the family in the state.

[sweetkittytitty]

Monday, July 22nd: I will take a shower as the first thing in the morning, and apply conditioner into my hair. I will go visit a couple of museums, and in the evening, I will wash the dishes. Tuesday, July 23rd: I will go visit a museum, then I will go to Kohtaus, and then to a park and another museum. Wednesday, July 24th: I will receive money today. I will do the usual housework; change the towels and take out the recycling and scrub the toilet bowl. Thursday, July 25th: I will take a shower, and apply a hair mask. Friday, July 26th: I will pay my Disney Plus and Geocaching subscriptions, and also pay for my gym membership. I will have an appointment for a massage, and order a new backpack from eBay. Saturday, July 27th: I will do the weekly housework, and take the mattress to the balcony. Sunday, July 28th: I will take the mattress out to dust it, and then hoover the bed and put fresh sheets into my bed.

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 16, 2024

jinxed again. note: never start thinking that my life might be turning around becuase nine times out of ten, something's waiting to smack me back on my ass.

Recap: Monday, March 4: Watched Thor, worked from home. Tuesday, March 5: walked to chase in the morning to withdraw some money, worked from home, walked to trader joe's to use the last of my gift card and get things like eggs and bananas. Wednesday, March 6: in office day. Thursday, March 7: nothing calendared. probably just worked from home. helena from work kind of spoke harshly from me and it was all i could do not cry until the moment we hung up. Friday, March 8: i thought this was my massage/lunch day with lana, but i guess it was actually for two weeks from today? or it was pushed out? probably i mis-calendared it. but i did check on grace y since she had an appointment regarding some health issues. Saturday, March 9: i though i had lana's birthday dinner thing but that was miscalendared as well so instead went on a little nature walk/hike near jpl with my mom and had lunch at fish king afterward. Sunday, March 10: lana's birthday, so i texted a bit. i think i went to church. Monday, March 11: i think i started to feel a little sad. either the day prior or today i went to my mom's for lunch/dinner and just cried. i could feel myself being irrationally sad and angry and realized it was PMS so tried not to take it too personally. in part of my sadness i reached out to amir about happy hour on tuesday but he didn't really get back to me or share in my enthusiasm and just "liked" my comment and i felt bad and stupid and angry and alone. Tuesday, March 12: i felt the annoyance and anger and irritability full force. when amir texted back to say he'd be at work and i should come down i was too upset and said too bad, the moment had passed. i could just feel my emotions raging. something else had happened with lorena i think monday-tuesday, so i was peeved at her as well, just peeved at everyone and everything. in my noon walk i thought of jadai, as i often do, and i thought of how she would reach out to me, and how i should actually be the last person in the world she should reach out to. with all of her friends and family, her fiance, and now without cooper, so much extra money, that she really shouldn't have come to me for covid tests, to borrow my cooler (and never give back my yeti ice), to ask to borrow my bowflex weights. how she would be the last person in the world i'd ask, how i'd rather buy it myself or just go without, but i wouldn't reach out and drive the distance.

soon after i got home, pissy with these thoughts, jadai, almost telepathically it seemed, reached out, for the first time since she learned about xio, so about four months: "idk your feelings on it, but i feel like it's been way too long!!! i was trying not to reach out for a while, so just wanted to see if it's ok that i do. i'm always hoping you're doing more than well, and all the good things." 1:34 p.m.

this sent me into a true meltdown, full-on sobbing, and anger. it seemed like she was trying to touch base with an old pal she had fallen out of touch with, a summercamp friend, or just someone whose birthday it was and she had temporarily forgotten about them and was like now, omg how are ya? and that made me so sad and mad. she had been on the forefront of my mind for so long, been the center of so much suffering, and for her to just pop up so nonchalantly, so flippantly, and just say hey as if the lack of communication was inadvertent on my part, which of course it wasn't. i had decided not to message her back after her birthday, and was even more assured of it after xio's passing. i texted several people and came to the conclusion, some hours later, to write back "i'd prefer we not communicate," to which she responded: "ah ok. like not communicate at all, ever?" which threw me into another fit of distraughtness because it was so hard to formulate that first message, and i thought it was it, but to have to answer again with some sort of parameters? it's like the suffering just would not cease. after additional hours of tumult, i decided not to respond, because in a sense, i already had, and i didn't know if it was going to be temporary or last until the day i died, but i could not speak as to when i might be able and just didn't want to keep the dialogue going.

the next day was wednesday, and i could feel the emotions just getting worse. i worked, and at some point joyce whispered me into her office and i jokingly whispered if it was a secret, and we jokingly whispered the issue about one of my forms being wrong, and right before i left, i continued the joke for just a bit longer and said, "is there anything else?" to which she responded that she had started a lunch walking group that would be 40 minutes total, 20 minutes out and 20 minutes back, and welcomed me to join. i asked if i'd have enough time for lunch and she said, "just take a longer lunch!" to which i was like oh heck yhea! and at noon she, two others, and i started walking to, through, and around little tokyo, mostly led by her, as i didn't know what path to go to and we chatted a bit, and i pointed out some of my favorite restaurants, etc. as we re-approached the office, it was noted that it had been only 35 minutes and we still had another 5 minutes to walk, so joyce recommended we take one more round around the block, down the street of the building jadai works in, and .... of all the gin joints in the world, as we walked down, me first, i saw her and a friend walking her up, her hair perfectly coiffed, her sunglasses on, smiling, talking, wearing a perfect baby blue suit with a white flowy top, looking loose on her languid figure and instantly we recognized each other, and i saw her pause in her step, and i nodded and waved, said a small "hi", and kept walking, and she smiled and waved and said hi but had that momentary stop as if to talk to me but must've kept walking when i did. almost as soon as she passed, the tears welled up, and at some point i also realized that it was 3/13, our anniversary, that 5 years ago to the day we had met at tony's and decided that that was it, and now here we were, two strangers walking down the sidewalk, almost brushing shoulders, and all i could feel was so much pain. the tears started almost immediately and i was in the office weeping, tears trickling down, and at some point, went to the bathroom to sob in the handicapped stall. how could the universe be so cruel. what were the chances of all of this happening, on that day of all days in the year.

she messaged me again: "hey such crazy timing seeing you just now! Sorry i would've stopped, but didn't know if i should cuz of your text. would you be down to meet up outside real quick or grab a coffee?"

to which i didn't reply but just cried and cried. i had last corresponded that we shouldn't communicate, and here she was, thinking we should, asking me to, in person, no less.

the cruelty was beginning to just be unimaginable and i seriously considered asking to go home for the day because i just felt so terrible and could not stop crying and i had been so proud of myself for not yet openly crying at work and yet here i was.

that was wednesday and today is saturday. i slept for 13 hours yesterday and have been crying on and off since then. it feels like regression. it feels like the first few months of her leaving. it feels so raw and new all over again, and everything has become so triggering. i'm realizing that when i take my walks, i rarely turn left at kenneth anymore and have been turning right, because left was how i walked with jadai. i still get her mail sometimes, but mostly junk mail. the mail man asked about her last week, asking if all jadai mail should be returned to sender and i said it should. whenever i walk by her building or even down that street, i wonder if she's in one of the cars, or in her office and can see me, and how stupid and fat and ugly and lonely i look, and whether she sees me with a mix of pity and regret. i think of her constantly. she has become a recurring dream, and in the last one, even there, i knew we were not together. i am not at rest, even in my sleep.

i need to go as today is lana's birthday dinner and i need to try and not cry for the first time this week. i've been trying to stay away from alcohol because it might induce more crying and then more subsequent regrettable behavior, but i don't know about tonight. i don't know how much longer this can continue. i thought i was out of the storm, but then the storm came back from me. how cruel.

[meditating-dog-lover]

This week + my health

So this week has been great so far. My dad came to visit us and I am taking the week off. So I have the chance to relax and enjoy my time off.

It's nice to have my dad come visit. We spent some time playing Super Mario Sunshine (my favorite Nintendo game of all time). It's been a lot of fun. We also took my dogs out for morning walks which have also been nice and exciting. My younger dog is still getting used to my dad, and these walks really help. We did go to the dog park too, so now she will associate walks with my dad with going to the dog park (which she really loves).

I've been obsessing a little less about my health and the general anxiety levels I have regarding my health has been less this week. Because I have the chance to relax and not be stuck with my obsessive "what if" thoughts (the ones I get at work sitting at my desk).

I am looking for a healthy way to minimize bloating. A few days ago I did buy a probiotic, prebiotic, and digestive enzyme supplement. However, I swear as soon as I took it, my eczema and angular cheilitis got worse (these both cleared up well after taking my daily multivitamins for a few weeks). I also had random itchy spots on my body too. So I'm not going to take these anymore. I know it had to be from the probiotic supplement since these symptoms started after I took the first pill. I've never done a gut or stomach acid analysis, so I have no way of knowing if I really do really need this supplement. Unlike my multivitamin and magnesium supplements which I do need as I did show deficiencies across a lot of vitamins and minerals. So those 2 are necessary. I also take oral probiotics and I feel I can benefit from those. I even bought some chlorella powder since it helps with heavy metal detoxing (I have heavy metal exposure, and everyone does). So I hope this is something I can benefit from.

I was looking at my old blood test from Oct 2021 and noticed my vitamin D levels were in the normal range but on the lower end. So I remember I was taking my daily multivitamin supplements at the time and each tablet has 250% of the daily recommended dosage of vitamin D. Which feels like it's plenty. But my results were on the lower end? Maybe because I was not taking it for a long time (I cannot remember how long I was on these supplements for as I know it takes a few weeks to months for deficiencies to be corrected, depending on the individual vitamin and/or mineral). But I don't know. Now I'm a bit confused as to how much vitamin D I truly need. I definitely do need it and I need it in a good dosage because the health problems I have been experiencing are very likely a consequence of this (and other specific vitamins and minerals but vitamin D seems to be the main one because it's a hormone/regulator of other minerals in the body) as opposed to other factors. So this is something I'll have to figure out. Vitamin D is so important and has several health benefits, but vitamin D deficiencies are so common, and correcting these deficiencies can be a bit tricky. But I'll figure it out (because I always figure things out).

Because I was able to enjoy some relaxation and "me" time during these past few days, I actually wanted to do some things for my physical appearance. I got a haircut yesterday and it looks nice. All the split ends are gone and the layering looks nice. I plan on getting my hair trimmed every 3-4 months and I might do some color next time if I'm up for it. I'm happy I went. I even booked an appointment for a manicure and pedicure for Thursday (I'm waiting for the skin on my hands to heal after the eczema flare-up). These are fun things to do for self-care, not vanity. There isn't anything wrong with getting a hair cut or a foot massage. I'm quite simple when it comes to style so a simple layer and trim and color, as well as a simple nail style, really does the trick. My teeth now make such a huge difference because I straightened them with Invisalign and have had whitening treatment. So they look nice and healthy too. I do want to shape my eyebrows too but I'll have to look for an online guide for some shapes and styles (I've already looked at those before).

I'm just happy I'm taking care of my health and my physical appearance. This helps with my confidence and makes me feel a lot better in general. These are great forms of self-care. And again, I will add more and more steps to improve both aspects over time (more health improvement and I will eventually work on body confidence and clothes, etc...).

I've also spent some time reading an investment book. I want to invest money for both retirement and home purchase, so I'm reading this book to get some advice on how to do so. I'm in my late 20s so knowing how to invest now is a great idea and saves a lot of stress and guesswork in the future. The book is easy to follow and I have been taking my own notes on each chapter.

I have not had the energy to exercise for the past week, and neither have I in the past few days. I think it's because HIIT can be exhausting, so has work and having to come home to walk my dogs. And I've had some other health concerns I wanted to address (my nutritional deficiencies and some inflammation which I will discuss a week from now). Exercise is important, but these other aspects of my overall health and well-being are too and are currently more important than exercising as they require more modifications and interventions now. My back and body overall have been sore recently, so I needed some time to take a break and to rest my muscles.

I had a great time and am hoping for the rest of this week to play out well.

Some other things I want to achieve regarding health and appearance (both): posture, nasal breathing, and to stop picking my skin and biting my nails. Anxiety reduction too.

[fire-intherain]

"A thirty minute hot stone massage would certainly be a good introduction for you. It will give you a chance to see how much pressure you respond to and whether you find the heat helpful." Elsa tapped at the computer to call up the schedule, "We have some spaces, is morning or afternoon best for you? We also have evening appointments until 8 on a Wednesday and Thursday." She nodded at the final question, "Not really although I would suggest wearing loose clothing as your skin may feel a bit sensitive after your massage."

Deciding what treatment to have when the other woman describes them both so appealingly is almost impossible. She's so clueless that every word from an expert is like music to her ears. "At this rate, I think I'm going to have to come back a hundred times to try everything; it all sounds so good. A week minimum between each, though, I swear!" She laughs, returning her eyes to the flyer. She's grateful for it, but it's still fact that nothing really beats being able to talk to someone who knows exactly how to sell it. "I think a thirty minute session with the hot stones is sounding most appealing to me right now, though. Do you have any availability next week? Is there anything else I should know before I book?"

[rogersevans]

Quarantine Wedding

Pairings: Chris Evans x Y/n Downey - Chris Evans x Y/n Evans

Warnings: just fluff, wedding (if they make you emotional), implied smut towards the end

Summary: Y/n never planned her dream wedding, but in their back garden, surrounded by their families, during a global pandemic seems pretty perfect to her. apart of the evans’ series.

Sunday mornings were Y/n’s and Chris’s favourite day of the week, the only time they got to stay in bed, tangled in the sheets and each other, going undisturbed from the outside world. Chris currently had Y/n lying between his legs, her back against his bare chest as he rested against the head of the bed.  

Y/n was absentmindedly playing with the engagement ring on her finger, something she had started to do since he put it on, twiddling it with her thumb.

Dodger was at their feet, on his back with his legs spread, snoring away.  

“We should get married.” Y/n mumbled like she was thinking something through in her mind, thumb still playing with the ring.

“We are...” Chris reminded her, placing a small kiss to her temple. “That’s what this is for.” Taking her small hand in his, holding it up to show off the ring as it glistened in the Sunday morning sun.  

“No,” she protested with a giggle, getting up onto her knees and wrapping the sheet around her naked body, turning to face her fiancé. “I mean sooner, like tomorrow.”  

“Tomorrow?”

“Or Thursday if you’re too busy.” Rolling her eyes playfully she scooted closer to him, now in his lap, the sheet now being held up by their bodies, closing the gap. Her hands finding his hair, raking her fingers through it and massaging his scalp. “I want to be Mrs Evans, I want to get married in our back garden, with our families... No one else.” Chris hummed in agreement, letting his hands fall to her hips.  

“You don’t want a big wedding?” Licking his lips, his eyes now open and focused on every detail of her, the small freckle that sat just above the curve of her right breast, the thin chain that sat around her neck with a small diamond C resting in the centre he’d bought her on their second anniversary, the butt dimpled in her chin, something she hated but another thing he adored.  

Truthfully, she didn’t, she never envisioned herself surrounded by 300 people as she said ‘I do’, she just wanted a small, intimate wedding, less than 30 people.  

The pair had been engaged for five months and the pandemic had haltered all of their plans to celebrate, they had various zoom celebrations with their families and friends and when they were allowed to travel back home their hallway was filled with presents and balloons.  

They had managed to keep the news out of the press, wanting to bask in the newness of their engagement privately, it had been blissful but Y/n was becoming impatient.  

Silently shaking her head, she dipped her head her lips just a whisper away from Chris’s, “I just want you, as my husband.” She whispered making Chris’s entire body shiver, and in one swift movement Y/n is on her back with Chris lying on his side next to her, propped up on his elbow and tracing shapes on her are stomach.

She doesn’t stop herself from reaching up and cupping his cheek, booping his nose with her thumb, making them both giggle and then running her fingers over his beard, one her favourite features of her fiancé the way it feels against her skin makes her feel alive.  

“Tomorrow.” Was all he replied with, letting his lips fall down to her nose.  

After another hour of being tangled up in one another, the room filled with her soft moans and Chris made love to her, turned on at the thought of her becoming his wife tomorrow. They started organising everything, never leaving the bed unless it was for Dodger, food or toilet breaks.  

They had delivered the news to their families and the cheers or screams (Carly and Shanna) we’re piercing, even though the speaker of their phones.  

Chris booked flights for his family to be able to attend, they were getting in at around 10pm that night. Y/n demanded that everyone be tested before they stepped foot in their home, so she arranged for someone to come out and test everyone. Y/n’s family were due to arrive tomorrow morning, the nerves bubbled in the pit of her stomach at the thought of her mom and dad being in the same room again, something she hadn’t experienced in years.  

“Baby, it’ll be fine.” Giving a chaste kiss to her knuckles, “we’re getting married tomorrow.” He mumbled against them, his voice raspy and tired after a long day of planning, all doubt or anxiety about her parents leaving her body just from his touch, his words settled her completely.  

“I can’t wait to be your wife.” Standing to her tiptoes she nudged her nose with his, their gaze still looked before her eyes fluttered shut, breathing him in and relishing in the moment before his lips found hers.  

“What are you going to do about a dress?” Scott asked in a hushed tone, not wanting Chris to hear their conversation, closing the door to their bedroom behind him.  

The house was extremely busy downstairs with everyone completing last minute preparations so Scott and Y/n had snuck away for a quiet moment to get ready, knowing Y/n didn’t function when stressed. He could tell she wanted nothing more than to have Chris at her side, one didn’t move without the other.

But Scott demanded, as the self appointed best man/man of honour, that they be apart for the night before and the day of, still up-keeping some form of tradition.

Unknowingly to Scott, Chris had snuck back into their bedroom last night when everyone was asleep, not wanting to be away from one another with the excitement of the next day bubbling. 

Like children on Christmas Eve.  

The busyness of the day had helped keep them both distracted, not giving them much time to sneak off for a moment of privacy. 

“I bought something a few months ago, thinking ahead.” Y/n rummaged through her and Chris’s shared walk-in closet, plucking a black garment bag which was hidden at the very back.  

Unzipping the bag, Y/n revealed the white, embroidered, floor length cami wedding dress. Scott couldn’t contain his gasp as he softly took the dress in his hands, admiring it silently.  

“Where did you find this?” His eyes not leaving the dress, his fingers running over the patterns.

“ASOS,” she started. “I saw it on there and had to have it, I’m going to wear it with these...” Trailing off as she bent down to pick up her pair of all white, high-topped converses, now beaming from ear to ear.

“You’re joking right?”

“Heels aren’t me,” shrugging her shoulders she took the dress from Scott and disappeared into the en-suite to get ready.  

“What about rings?” Scott asked on the other side of the door, he was sitting on the edge of the bed go through the checklist he had created in his mind.

“I think Chris has that sorted.” Was all she replied too focused on not damaging the dress as she slipped it on carefully, not hearing when Scott said something about checking on the decorations and leaving. 

After ten minutes Y/n stepped out of the bathroom to show Scott, her hair now falling freely over her shoulders and the slightest bit of make-up, the dress hugged her figure perfectly as the flowed around her.  

“Wow.” Chris’s voice sounded, making her jump back behind the bathroom door, shutting it, hoping he didn’t see too much. “Baby, what’re you doing?” Walking over to the bathroom door, trying to push it open.

“I thought you were Scott. You’re not supposed to see me!” Y/n cried from behind the door.

“I don’t care, we’re getting married during a pandemic, in our back garden with less than twenty people... So, I think the traditions are out the window.” His hand still on the door knob, letting a breathy chuckle out. “C’mon gorgeous, I wanna see you.” He attempted to persuade her.

Slowly the door started to open to reveal Y/n stood there, holding either side of her dress as she twirled for Chris, giggling as she did.

Well fuck, the sight made Chris’s heart swell, his palms became sweaty as his eyes trailed over her, drinking in her appearance, his smile never leaving his lips.  

Y/n took the opportunity to take in her fiancé's appearance, he was currently in black dress pants, a white shirt tucked into his pants with the top few buttons undone, and a tie hanging around his neck, untied. Her breath hitched in her throat at the sight, butterflies erupting in her stomach.

“Was gonna ask you to do my tie...” He choked out, his eyes now meeting hers.  

Without word she took a step forward and began fastening the last few buttons before making work of his tie, his hands found her hips, rubbing small circles with his thumbs as he watched her intently.  

“You look...” He started, but was cut off by Y/n.

“Handsome, you look insanely handsome. I’m lucky you’re about to become my husband.” Her eyes still fixated on the tie, her tongue dragging across her bottom lip as she concentrated. Once satisfied her fingers smoothed out his collar and tie. “Now go, before Scott sees you in here. Anyone would think he’s the one getting married.” Both chuckling softly.  

With her command Chris didn’t move away, just one step closer to her, closing the gap between them, his hands now cupping her cheeks, both looking into each other's eyes for a few seconds before he dipped his head down to kiss her.  

This kiss wasn’t like all the others he had sneaked in the past twenty four hours, it was different.

Y/n’s mind casting back to the night Chris told her he loved her for the first time, the kiss matching that. It was filled with adoration, passion and love, making her stomach do flips and her heart hammer against her chest.  

“Go,” Y/n mumbled against his lips after a few seconds, pushing his abdomen. “I’ll see you down there handsome.” Giving her one last kiss before walking away, leaving her now by herself as she jumped up and down in their bathroom, the tiniest squeal leaving her lips.  

The next half an hour rushed by so quickly, now the pair were stood at the bottom of their garden in front of their families, their garden littered with fairy lights hung above them, their families stood watching proudly. 

It was simple and perfect, no fuss. 

Scott was ordaining the ceremony something Chris and Y/n weren’t aware he could do until last night. Too scared to know the reason why he decided to become an ordained minister, “you never know when you might need it” was all he said. 

“Y/n,” Chris started, his hands shaking a little. “I can’t imagine my life without you, since you came barging into it 22 years ago. From the very first day of filming back in 2011, I knew you were it for me, even if I didn’t know it.” That caused everyone to laugh, “I love how you’re always there by my side, how you always tie my tie... Even if I know how to do it myself.” Y/n gasped shocked at his admission, laughing along with everyone. “At first it was a tactic to be near you, but the look of concentration you have every time, drives me crazy.” He laughed as she shook her head, beaming from ear to ear. “You make me the happiest man alive every day, even when you’re beating my ass at guitar hero. I love how passionate and impatient you are... Today being an example of that.” Everyone laughed again, he reached for her cheek and wiped the tears away with his thumb. “I can’t believe I get to call you my wife... I love you.”

Y/n was speechless, wiping away the tears that continued to fall, it was like he’d winded her with his words, her body tingled with excitement and love as the feeling of becoming Mrs Evans drew closer.

“Chris,” she started. “You are one of the most amazing, crazy talented, men I’ve ever known, I’m in constant awe of what you’re capable of... Seriously, it's annoying... I will make it my life mission to find something you’re not good at.” Chris’s loud laughter now echoed over your families laughs, his hand falling to his chest. “Your laugh, is my favourite sound of yours and if I could play it on repeat I would, but I’ll just settle for making you laugh with my terribly bad dad jokes-”

“Oh no!” Chris groaned at her statement, making everyone laugh again.

“Our love consumes me, I knew from the moment Lizzie told me you liked me that I had to have you, no matter what. Everyone constantly tells me how intense our love is, but it wasn’t until someone described it perfectly to me that I understood,” Y/n took the opportunity to side eye Scott, recalling the night they had a very drunken conversation about her relationship with Chris, making Scott laugh. “We’re so in sync with one another, you move, I move, we could be in a room filled with people, on opposite ends and we would still find each other without looking. Being with you,” she had to stop to compose herself, not wanting to cry during her vows. “Is like living a dream come true, especially during the simple times, no plans, no noise, just us doing nothing.”

Chris didn’t hide his tears as they freely fell, the sniffles from everyone, including Robert could be heard now.

After a few more words from Scott, once he calmed down, the cheers erupted as their lips connected, their first kiss as husband and wife. Chris pulling her flush against him, deepening the kiss. “I got you, Mrs Evans.” He whispered against her lips, making her giggle.  

The rest of the night was spent with their families, basking in the events of the day as they ended the night with the fire pit lit, gathered around it. Y/n was still in her dress and converse clad feet, her hair now tied up as she sat on the floor in between her husband's legs. 

She was currently admiring her wedding band, it was rose gold, slim and had diamonds wrapped around it, fitting perfectly against her engagement ring. reaching for the hand that rested on her shoulder, now playing with his wedding band, his band was thick, black and had a thin, rose gold strip around the centre. 

Chris had purchased them the day he bought the engagement ring and had hidden them in his sock drawer in his bedside, his hiding spots were getting better. 

“I’m so happy for you guys.” Robert softly whispered, puling his daughter��into his arms holding her tightly against his chest. “I can’t believe you’re married!” 

“I know... I have to live with a boy!” She quipped back and Robert’s body started to vibrate with laughter, her cheek resting on his should as they continued to hug, not wanting to let go.

“My baby...” Now cupping her cheeks, giving his daughter one last look of pride before letting go. “You’ve always been my favourite child.” He whispered, Y/n knew he was joking but she laughed in agreement anyway. Out of her other three siblings they both shared a close relationship, Y/n was his saving grace when he was younger, having her at a young age bonded them. 

“Chris, I can’t believe you’re my son now... How weird.” Chris smiles broadly at the term son, instead of son-in-law, he knew Robert classed him as part of the family and not because he had to. "Welcome to the family, legally.. Let’s face it you’ve always been apart of this family.” Sharing a quick embrace before slipping past the newlyweds to speak to Lisa.

“Do you want to dance?” Chris bent down to whisper in his wife's ear, his hands finding her hips and back pressed against his chest, only to have her hum in response. 

Guiding her to an open spot in the garden, taking his hand in hers and spinning her so she was now facing him. His large hands resting on her hips whilst her hands snaked around his waist, the music that played from the speakers in the house guiding them. “You’re my wife,” stating softly, his lips finding her forehead.

“That’s right Evans,” the nickname now sounding futile with both being Evans’. “You’re stuck with me, no getting out this.” Her index finger was pointing between them before wrapping back around his neck. 

“Never.” 

It was nearing 2am when Chris and Y/n climbed the stairs to their bedroom, once the click of their door shutting was heard she reached behind trying to unzip her dress but struggled due to her tired state, contemplating just sleeping her dress.

Her thoughts were interrupted by her husband as he guided the zip down slowly, leaving slow, wet kisses on shoulder, using his callous fingers to brush the straps of her dress off her shoulders, the dress pooling at her feet, leaving her in nothing but her panties.  

“My wife, you’re stunning.” He said lowly, the only light in the room was the light of the moon streaming through the windows. Y/n turned to face him, starting to unbutton his shirt which was now untucked, tie long gone and the top two buttons already undone, his collar bones and tattoos poking out through his shirt.  

Pushing the shirt off of him, she traced his tattoos with her fingers, a hiss of pleasure escaping from his throat, making him tighten the grip on her hips she didn’t know he had.  

The C necklace glistening in the moonlight.

That’s how they stood for a few minutes, their eyes never breaking from one another, her arms wrapped around his neck, his hands on her hips.  

Y/n guided her new husband to their bed, the back of his legs hitting the edge and he sat down closely followed by her straddling him. “Mr Evans,” her voice laced with arousal. “I do believe, you’re wearing one too many items of clothing.” She tsked, her finger trailing down his abdomen, his muscles twitching when she did, effortlessly flicking the button of his pants open.  

“That can be fixed... Mrs Evans.” He purred in her ear, sending a shiver down her spine.  

[x-stephanie-sinnz-x]

Hey guys, I'm sitting at my desk dripping wet and I'm writing about what happened when I got home a few weeks ago!

Hopefully I won't get my account terminated again, but I really need to tell you guys about this.

..... So here's what happened.

Wrecked rough by my fwb the security guard in his suv.

  At work on Thursday I had a talk with my friend with benefits (the building's security guard), about how I've been so busy lately with work, moving into a new house, and having a longer commute. So we haven't had any time to fool around.

I told him that we where in luck, because my Friday appointment canceled and I'd have that Friday off.

My plan was not to tell my husband and come to work as usual, but instead of actually working, my fwb and I would finally get some time to ourselves.

After that he said cool ,we continued chatting for a bit, "how's the new house?" Blah blah blah etc etc. Then he started telling me how much he misses my little pussy, my sweet ass, my mouth, and my scent.

He said he was going to wreck my ass on Friday. And i couldn't wait. I could tell he was horny as fuck.

The next morning i got ready for work as usual, but dressed a little but sluttier, crop top, no bra, tiny skirt, no panties on , but i did put a pair in my purse. It's always nice to have a pair just incase, it helps cum from spilling out.

I got to my usual parking spot and he parked next to me and I got out of my car and into his suv. He was wearing his usual security guard outfit making him even more hot. I asked if we were getting in the back seat right away or parking somewhere else and he said what are you waiting for. Get in the back lol. As I climbed over the center console he smacked and then grabbed my ass. When we both go back there he pulls his pants down and tells me to suck it bitch. He grabbed my head and pulls it onto his crotch. Mmm OMG it was delicious tasting. And it felt thicker than I had remembered. After sucking for a min he started face fucking me with his hand on my head then he reaches down my back towards my ass and slips a finger in my pussy hole, then 2 then 3 fingers. I'm now gushing with juices and he scooped my juices up onto my ass hole and started working them into my ass. He looked at me and then told me to turn around. He said he was gonna fuck me good. I do as he says of course. As I'm bent over he admired my holes for a minute. I heard him gather slobber and spit it right on my ass hole. Then I feel his dick slap my crack a few times. One. Two. Three. Then he says since I'm being a good bitch he said he might think about taking it easy on me if I don't resist. The tention is looming. I feel him pull back and then I feel him tap my hole with the head of his dick. He said do you want it? And I said yes please. He said ok. He taps my hole again making me lust for it even more. Then with little warning he pushes the head on my hole with more pressure. It managed to pop in very little because my hole rejected it. He asked again if I wanted him to pound me and I said yes. He started massaging my hanging tits making me relax more. He pushes forward. With nowhere for me to go I stayed still taking his soda can dick like a champ. It hurt only because its been awhile. But that was the difficult part. Now it's in and just as I think he was graciously giving me a sec to conform my ass to the shape of his dick, I realized he is hornier than he has been before. He ain't waiting for nothing. He said yeah bitch take that dick. He pulls back I can feel the starting of the storm. Slam. I feel him thrust as hard as he can into me. He reloads. Bam. Bam. Bam. It felt amazing. He smacks my ass. Bam. Bam. Bam. Yeah take it . I feel his balls slap my pussy with every thrust. After what felt like forever he tells me to lift my leg up. He lifts my ass cheeks. Bam. Bam. Bam. Then he says he is close. Bam. Bam. Oh fuck. I'm cumming. I felt him slam his dick as deep as he could. Then I felt his dick throb and the head pulse . I felt a sensation of warm liquid shoot deep in my guts. Pulse after pulse after pulse. It felt amazing. We stayed like that for a min. He finally pulled his dick out of my ass. Suddenly I felt a breeze. Lol. I pulled down my skirt so his warm nut didn't leak into his seats. He asked me what I thought I was doing. I said pullingdown my skirt. Then he told me I wasn't done. He said there was still cum on his dick. Told me to clean his dick, followed by the grabbing of my head. He told me to be easy and let him control because he is still sensitive. I sucked him gently until he told me it was good enough. Then he put his head between my legs and ate my pussy for several minutes, causing me to cum several time uncontrollably. By the time I was on my 3rd orgasm, his dick was ready again. He climbed on top of me and easily slid his dick in my soaking wet pussy.

Slam, slam, splash , splash he pounded my pussy hard, then both of us cumming at almost the same time.

His load wasn't as big as the one he left in my ass , but it still felt good.

He put his pants back on and we climbed back over the center console. I went back to my car and I drove home with his load deep in my guts and my womb. My ass, pussy and the inside of my legs hurt when I went from his car to mine.

Coming Home Early

I wasn't supposed to be home from work until hours later, and I wanted to surprise hubby with some sloppy leftovers, but as I drove up, I noticed the security cameras didn't alert me, so I checked the arlo pro camera app and saw they had been turned off. Wtf, that's not normal I thought, then suddenly my scorpio intuition started going off. I thought myself for a minute, while I've been out fuck around, has hubby been doing the same.....

I looked in the front window and couldn't see anything, so I went around the back of the house. I looked in the kitchen window and didn't see anything either.

I continued to check around the back yard, and no signs of life. I continued walking around the house and carefully peeked in our bedroom window. BINGO! The blinds were open enough that I could see in and see what was going on. And to very much my relief Hubby was standing up at the foot of the bed, with the new gay neighbor guy. They were both totally naked. Their cocks were both hard, and the neighbor guy looked like he had around 8 inches, nice thickness, and uncut.

-before I go on, let me clarify myself a bit. It is not okay if my husband was with another woman, but it is okay for him to be with other men.  Only other guys are allowed in our relationship-

The guy started grabbing at his nips and pulling on them, while hubby was reaching behind himself and applying lube to his ass. The windows were closed so I couldn't hear anything, but the sight was awesome. I saw the neighbor grab hubby's face around the jaw with one hand and give him a rough push. Hubby fell back onto the bed and the guy immediately crawled up on the bed and straddled hubby’s face, pointing his dick right to hubby's mouth. My view was blocked by the guy's hands grabbing him by the head, but he was obviously giving him kind of a rough face fucking.

That only lasted for a minute or two, the guy was obviously ready to fuck my husband. He got off the bed and stood up at the edge, grabbing the lube and stroking some onto his dick. He grabbed hubby by the legs and flipped him over, pulling him up on to his knees at the edge of the bed. There was less than 10 feet and a window separating me from what was going on in there. I was so fucking wet.

The guy wiped his lubed hand up hubby's crack, grabbed his cock and aimed it at his hole. No rubber in sight. He pressed in and pushed steadily until his whole cock was buried inside my husband's hole. He grabbed his hips and started to fuck him hard, and after a minute he let go of hubby's hips and started to pull on his nipples as his dick plowed in and out of hubby's hole.

He pulled out and flipped hubby over onto his back, pushed his legs up into the air and plunged back into his hole. Hubby was grabbing and pulling on the guy's nips and reaching around the guy's back and ass to pull him in deep. I had to 3 finger fuck myself while I was watching this. FUCK I was turned on. I was just in that exact position just a few minutes ago with my fwb.

He pulled out and flipped hubby over again, pushing him up further on the bed and then climbing onto the bed himself. He spread hubby's legs wide, pushed him down onto the bed and knelt in between them. He grabbed the lube and pumped his cock in his fist a few times and then went right back into hubby's ass hole, pushing it all the way in with one steady move. He leaned down, putting his chest against hubby's back, grabbing my husband's hands and holding them up over his head, pinning him down onto the bed. His hips pumped up and down, pounding his hard uncut dick deep into his ass fast and deep. This guy was definitely fucking to get his rocks off, giving hubby's ass a good hard fuck purely for his own enjoyment. You could just tell this guy was focused on busting his nut and not much else.

After plowing hubby's ass like that for a minute or two, he got back up on his knees and pulled hubby into a doggy position on the bed. He grabbed him by the hair and pulled his head back, forcing him to arch his back as he pushed his cock as deep as he could get into hubby's guts. I couldn't believe what I saw next, but the neighbor guy just all of a sudden spat all over hubby's back. FUCK, I would love that to be done to me, it was like he was marking his territory and proving who was in charge. I was so fkn wet and hot.

He let go of hubby's hair and sort of pushed his head back down, grabbed him by the shoulders and started pounding his ass harder and faster than he had before. He tilted his head back and you could see his muscles and his body getting tense. Suddenly he leaned over hubby, bracing himself with his arms on the bed on either side of him, and obviously began to bust his nut deep inside hubby's ass. He plunged deep and held it there for a minute, then began to slowly pump his cock in and out of his ass as he dumped his cumload inside my husband on our bed.

He knocked hubby's legs out from under him, forcing him to lay flat on the bed, and laid down on top of him, draining the last of his cum in hubby's hole. He laid like that for a minute before pushing himself up. He pushed himself up with his hand on hubby's back, forcing him to lay flat and still on the bed as he withdrew his dripping dick from his ass. He wiped off his cock with his hand and wiped it on hubby's leg, giving him a hard slap on the ass when he was done.

Hubby rolled over onto his back, still hard and began to stroke his cock. He hadn't cum yet. They guy didn't seem to care, he just reached down to the floor and grabbed his pants. He pulled his jeans up, no underwear, and stuffed his still semi-hard cock into them. He reached to the floor again, grabbed his shirt and pulled it on, and slid into his shoes. He gave hubby a little tap on the leg as if to say "thanks" and then started to walk out. FUCK that was hot. It all happened so fast, the whole thing probably took about 15 minutes at the most.

I took my cum soaked fingers out of my pussy, licked them clean and made my way around to the front of the house. I watched the guy walk back to his parents house next door.

I waited a few minutes before going inside. Hubby was in bed. He said he was tired and wanted to relax. Ha, whatever. He has no idea that I know he is lying in our bed with an ass full of cum, and he also has know idea that i also have an ass full of cum as well, plus my pussy, lol .

Stephanie Sinnz 💋

[robinruns]

I have booked myself into a corner 🤦🏻‍♀️

I had a massage after work today, which was amazing and so needed, and then tomorrow I'm going to Madison because I have to go to the dentist Wednesday morning. So I have to work out tomorrow morning. And then Wednesday I have to workout in the afternoon after my chiropractor appointment. And then I just booked an eyebrow appointment for Thursday after work, so again I'll have to go in the morning again.

I suppose I should head to bed now then 🙃

[killerbananas]

Hey guys! Little update rant novella. Mind the tags, please, and do not reblog.

Thank you to everyone that has contacted me. You're all gems. I genuinely want the best for you and hope the world is being kind to you.

tl;dr: I had another post explaining my issues, but in short, my neuralgia in my median nerve is extremely irritated right now. In combination with a few other health issues, including a longer lack of balanced nutrition and exercise, hormonal imbalance (I have extremely low progesterone), high resting heart rate and blood pressure, and extremely poor mental health (depression, brain fog/executive dysfunction, mood SWINGS, recurrence of maladaptive coping mechanisms), possible cancer on the bottom of my foot, I am a goddamn mess. Doctors are fallible, we all deserve respect and proper care, and I'm still keepin' on keepin' on.

I was hopeful recently of a medical professional that was locally known to treat my kind of issues with high consideration and thought things were going to be at least underway into being addressed. Well, I got Into it with their staff because they had continuously fucked me over in ways that I find no longer acceptable to continue a relationship with the office, good doctor or not. I have been gaslit, ignored for follow-up, charged incorrectly after being led to believe that I would qualify for their particular program, given multiple run-arounds. I am done. I walked in on Thursday morning, in absolute agony and with barely 90 minutes of sleep because my neuralgia was so bad. If you are familiar with it, you know what I mean. The only thing that really helps neuralgia for me is rest, ice, NSAIDS that only reduce inflammation (not pain), and extremely gentle touch massage (like barely tapping the skin), otherwise, it truly feels like acid or burning along almost the entirety of my dominant arm. Here’s a (tw for exposed muscle tissue/anatomical image) medical picture of the median nerve. I had it for 18+ hours leading up to this appointment with them. The appointment was for a general blood work follow-up and I planned to ask about treating my neuralgia (e.g., gabapentin, therapy) because this evaluation would be reasonably within their capabilities.

Well, in combination with all those other issues I listed, it’s pretty understandable that I would get a bit weepy when put under basically any amount of stress. I do my best to be cognizant of my defense mechanisms (e.g., knee-jerk defensive anger) and still tried to have as much neutral goddamn dignity to the cunts’ faces while they told me I also needed to pay $150 to get my blood work results (which was the incorrect price, for the incorrect appointment I was scheduled for) and that in tandem with information that kept changing in the thirty minutes I spent in the front office instead of seeing my fucking dr. Don’t get me wrong; I am willing to be understanding in a time of short staff, genuine accidents, and issues that can be out of someone’s hands. I can be reasoned with if your logical explanation checks out and apologize for my mistakes like a big girl, but here, this was some horseshit.

When I reverbalized the logic of what they told me (“Ok. So, if I am understanding you correctly, you are telling me that in order to receive a copy of my blood work, I must pay you $150. I do not have the right to receive my bloodwork results that I have already paid $300 for at the lab? That does not make logical sense to me.”) HIPPA says fuck you, bud. You cannot do that. I have a right to my medical records within thirty days of written request and only with a “limited fee” at most (e.g., paying for printing paper, relevant and legal minutiae of labor cost [see link below for more]). Well, they decided to handle me with kid gloves and get my out of their hair if I wasn’t going to pay them, with a broken-promise that the “nurse” that would be “authorized” to give me permission to allow me access to my records because of their business structure would call me in a six-hour block that same day. I’ve heard a lot about this nurse, but she seems to be a bit allergic to dialing my fucking number as this isn’t the first missed communication. I still have not received a call from them.

However, I did sob in my car for ten minutes once I realized how futile the situation was, have my wonderful partner help me google HIPPA and make sure I wasn’t full of shit on the phone for twenty minutes, and walked my ass two doors down to the lab that took my blood and received my records printed out with absolute full respect to my request when I asked politely. I could’ve kissed the lab attendant. I will not be going back to this doctor and will do everything in my power to relay my experience to anyone opting to engage with that office. Others had given me glowing recommendations from this place. This isn't my first experience being gaslit or treated poorly by a medical "professional" either.

I have actionable things to follow-up on with my own health, which is my primary concern or I will have long-term damage that will be harder to fix. I can do this. I can find another doctor for my hormones. I have an appointment in less than two-weeks with a dermatologist. Wish me luck here because I just have no idea about this spot on my foot and I am at-risk by my genes having all the predispositional goodies for this, as well as living in the sun most of my life, even with sunscreen.

Please remember to keep up with your own health if it is within your power to do so. If it is not, please ask someone for help. If that person fails you, doctor or friend, do not give up. Someone better is out there and you will find them. Doctors are not infallible and they are not GOD either. You are paying for a service at the end of the day, be it out-of-pocket, insurance, or in your taxes. Don’t take their bullshit and know your rights, I beg you. You deserve a healthy life and you should not have to struggle with a system to do so.

Here is a HIPPA reference if you would like it for your own use. Of course, I am not a doctor, just one little pissed off woman ready to wreck any medical professional that thinks it’s ok to fucking gaslight me in front of my face. I get a strong enough red-flag, I’m going to stop the conversation immediately, do my best to objectively say that this action is not acceptable to my professional relationship with a healthcare provider, and never fucking come back. Additionally, if anyone is well-versed in HIPPA application, or finds an error in my logic understanding this extensive legal text, please let me know as I would like the opportunity to correct my error. I’m going to be tossing the full legal text into a study pile for this year to keep revisiting.

HIPPA: https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/privacy/guidance/access/index.html

If any of this information is incorrect, I will follow-up with an edit. Sorry if it's not sensible in any manner, but I am just working in the negative lately and thought this would be a bit therapeutic for myself as well as keep a few people updated that have been reaching out.

[sweetkittytitty]

Last night I had nice dreams but then I started having anxiety nightmares about missing my bus and other stuff.

I got up, took my morning meds with breakfast and coffee, brushed my tongue and teeth, did the morning skincare routine, and applied lotion on my skin and got dressed.

My mom and dad came for a visit. Mom advised me in tidying up the bathroom, and dad fixed the ceiling lamp.

They left and soon I left too. I took a bus to another town and went to Kohtaus, Anton was there and Mirette and Marjut were there as well.

We had a good time together.

I comforted this guy who wept openly and said that despite life’s hardships, the world is a beautiful place. I gave him a hug.

We four left at the same time. I took a bus back home.

Once there, I washed a load of laundry and listened to music.

I left and took a bus to another town, and went for a walk in a forest trail.

I wanted to go for another walk, but I was getting tired so I went back home.

I took my evening meds, flossed and brushed my teeth, and did the evening skincare routine.

Tomorrow I will do the weekly housework; change the towels, scrub the toilet bowl, and take out the recycling.

On Thursday, I will take a shower.

On Friday, I will have an appointment for a massage.

On Saturday, I will do the weekly housework.

On Sunday, I will go visit my parents.

[snelbz]

Light Up the Ice - Chapter 9

A/N: Well. It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I’m sorry, guys, but this story just...wasn’t coming to me for a while. But now we’re back and I am so excited. Since it has been over a year and a half since I updated this one, please forgive us if there are a few details that aren’t perfect from the first chapters. Feels good to be writing my babies again.

Written with @tacmc.

Rowan woke up to the smell of cooking bacon and fresh coffee and he sighed contentedly. It had been two days since the hit that put him out of commission. He was hoping the rest and relaxation he’d enjoyed with his girlfriend would handle it, but it seemed that his body was protesting its natural healing process.

He groaned as he rolled out of Aelin’s bed, smiling when he found Lumi curled up in the hoodie he’d left in her chair in the corner. After giving her a scratch behind the ears, though the cat pretended he didn’t exist, he padded out into the living room, finding Aelin at the stove quietly humming to herself.

“Good morning,” he said, yawning as he pulled out a bar stool and sat down.

Aelin turned, and he was once agIn floored by how gorgeous she was, straight out of bed. That first night, when the fire alarms had pulled them all from sleep, he’d been convinced she’d scrambled to do her makeup before coming out onto the lawn. Waking up next to her two days in a row had proven to him that she was naturally beautiful and he couldn’t help but stare.

“Good morning,” she smiled and set a steaming cup of coffee in front of him. “Hurting today?”

“Aye,” he said, stretching his arms in the air. He felt every muscle tense in his upper body and before he could say the words, Aelin beat him to it.

“I think you need to give the team trainer a call today,” she said, placing a plate full of bacon on the counter next to her.

Rowan stared at it, wanting to reach over and snag a piece, but was fairly sure she’d catch him when he grunted in pain trying to lift it. Plus, she was dumping nearly a dozen eggs into a skillet to scramble, so he was hoping she’d be feeding him soon enough. He nodded. “I was going to do that today. I was texting with him last night and he said he and the massage therapist could come here today.”

Aelin smiled. “That would be perfect. I have to go

to work in about an hour, so I’ll feel better knowing someone is here with you.”

He rolled his eyes. “You do know I’m a grown man, right? Lived on my own for about seven years?”

Aelin stuck out her tongue and continued cooking at the stove, before setting a plate down in front of him piled high with eggs, hashbrowns and crispy bacon.

“Have I mentioned how much I love you?” He asked, as she slid onto the stool next to him.

She smirked and said, “Once or twice, but don’t worry. I’ve got a drunk voicemail to listen to if I ever forget.”

She winked and Rowan felt his cheeks heat, but regardless, he leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead and began to eat.

After his second full helping breakfast, Aelin got Rowan set up on the couch, babying him the entire time, much to his dismay, and he sent a text to the trainer asking him to call him when he got to the arena that morning. Aelin was getting ready and Rowan was playing NHL on his Xbox when the trainer finally called him back.

“Hey, man,” Rowan answered, pausing the game and propping the phone between his ear and shoulder.

Dorian’s voice came through the receiver. “How ya feeling?”

Rowan groaned as he rotated one of his shoulders. “Like I got hit by a truck.”

With a snort, Dorian chuckled. “Have you seen most of the Pirates’ team? They’re ridiculous; all of them are huge, freaks of nature. Rolfe is no exception.”

With a nod, Rowan cringed. He hadn’t realized the captain of the Skull’s Bay Pirates had been the one to lay the hit on him. “Well, whenever you and Sorscha have time, I’d appreciate it if you could make a house call.” There was silence on the other side of the line. “Dor?”

“Sorscha’s last day was Thursday of last week, I had no clue you didn’t know,” he explained. “The new therapist started yesterday.”

“Oh.” Sorscha had been the team’s massage therapist for years and Rowan vaguely remembered rumors that she’d be leaving them. He just never had them confirmed. “That’s fine, how’s the new guy?”

“She is...a piece of work,” Dorian admitted with a sigh. “You’ll meet her when we come by. You free for us to head that way?”

“Yeah, man, the sooner you get me back in working order, the sooner I can get back on the ice,” Rowan replied, debating on saying something about the home game they had that night.

With a chuckle, Dorian said, “Don’t even think about it, man. You’re not playing tonight. We’ll leave in just a bit and see you soon.”

The call ended and Rowan dropped his phone on the couch. He looked at the clock and hollered, “What time are you off tonight, Ace?”

She poked her head out of her bedroom and said, “Four o’clock, why?”

“Wanna go to the game with me?”

Aelin blinked at him. “You aren’t playing, Ro.”

“No,” he said, standing and stretching - and groaning. “But we can go sit in the player’s box and watch.”

“You want to sit next to me for an entire hockey game and hear my commentary?” She asked, grinning.

Rowan’s grin matched hers as he held out a hand, stepping towards her. She placed her hand in his and he gently pulled her towards him. “I promise I won’t be thinking too much about the game with you there with me.”

Aelin ran her palms down Rowan’s chest. “Well, that’s a tough argument.”

Rowan’s grin widened as he leaned down to kiss her. “You’ll go with me then?”

Aelin nibbled on her lip as she nodded. “If you get your ass on the couch and promise to take it easy today.”

He groaned softly. “Fine. If that’s what it takes.”

“Thank you,” she said, rising up on her toes to kiss him once more and turning back to finish getting ready. “You also have to make an appointment with your trainer.”

“He’s on his way with the sports therapist now,” Rowan said, watching her walk back to her room, enjoying every step she took. He really did try to focus on more than just her ass, but the leggings she wore weren’t helping his cause. When she looked back at him as she paused in the doorway, he had just enough time that she didn’t catch him - not that he thought she’d mind.

“Looks like we’ve got a game to go to then,” she winked, and disappeared into the bedroom.

About thirty minutes after Aelin left for the café, Rowan’s phone rang. “Hey, man. You here?”

His trainer and friend’s usually cheery voice was distinctly pissy. “Open up, Whitethorn. I’ve been knocking on your door for two minutes.”

“Oh, shit.” Rowan was up on his feet with a quiet grunt and ran to the door throwing it open. Dorian stood in front of his own apartment door, down the hall. He called, “Sorry, man, I’m staying with my girlfriend.”

Dorian’s eyes widened in surprise. “You’re Aelin’s boyfriend?”

Rowan paused and blinked. “Uh, aye? You know her?”

“I grew up with her, we’ve been friends for years,” Dorian said, the light tone returning. “I told the therapist your apartment number and she’s grabbing her table from the car. I should probably call her-.”

“No, it’s fine, I need to grab a few things from my place anyways,” he shrugged, grabbing his keys off the small table by the door. “We can set up in there so I don’t have to move Aelin’s furniture around.”

Dorian snorted. “Good call.”

Rowan unlocked his apartment and let Dorian in, turning on the lights and carefully moving things out of the way. Painfully.

He grabbed one of his least destroyed game worn jerseys and tossed it over his shoulder. He very much wanted to see her wearing it. “Aelin’s coming to the game tonight,” he said, grinning.

Dorian shook his head and chuckled. “I don’t even know who she is anymore.”

Rowan’s grin only widened.

“Hey, uh, can I come in and see Fleetfoot?” Dorian asked, looking out toward the hallway.

Rowan blinked and said, “I mean, sure.”

They headed back down the hall to Aelin’s apartment, leaving Rowan’s door open for the therapist to carry her gear in. As soon as they entered the apartment, Fleetfoot was bounding towards Dorian, excited like Rowan had never seen her.

Glancing up at Rowan while he rubbed her belly, Dorian grinned. “I gave her to Aelin our junior year of college. I promised if she got all A’s on her finals, I’d get her puppy. Guess who got straight A’s the entire semester?”

Rowan couldn’t help but laugh, smiling and shaking his head. “Sounds about right.”

Dorian’s phone chimed and he stood, pulling his phone out of his back pocket. “Oh she’s all set up and ready for you. Just head back down here when you’re done and we’ll talk about getting you on the ice again.”

“Aye, sounds good,” Rowan said and left, heading for his own apartment. The door was shut now, but he assumed it was just for privacy. He’d had to get sports massages before. They were basically a glorified regular massage. They focused on specific muscles groups, some quite intimate and quite awkward, but for the most part the etiquette was the same.

A dim room, quiet music or white noise of some sort, a special table covered in a white sheet, and the fact that you typically undress and are under just a towel.

Suddenly, Rowan froze with his hand halfway extended toward his doorknob, as he realized he was about to essentially be naked, alone in his apartment, with a woman he’d never met, as she rubbed her hands all over his body.

He’d had to get sports massages before. Just never while he’d had a girlfriend.

Maybe he should ask Dorian to come in and talk while she worked on him.

With a sigh, Rowan realized he was overthinking things. This was her job and he was judging her before he’d even met her. She was probably extremely professional and he was worrying for no reason.

With a shake of his head, he entered his apartment and asked, “Hello?”

A young woman rounded the corner, wiping her damp hands on a paper towel. Her long, black hair was braided back, and by the time her obsidian eyes met Rowan’s, he was frozen in place. For a moment, she didn’t react, and Rowan couldn’t breathe.

And then her eyes lit up and a small grin spread on her thin, red lips. His blood ran cold. He swallowed. “Maeve. What...the hell are you doing here?”

“Ah, Rowan Whitethorn,” she cooed. “We meet again.”

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 4, 2024

Hm, it's been about a week since I last wrote. that's encouraging. this feels regular, somewhat consistent. it usually isn't a good sign when i either write too frequently or too infrequently.

Recap: Monday, February 26: Ended up going to Tam O'Shanter with Patti around 7pm. she kinda loved it. we had some drinks, prime ribs, and shared a sticky toffee cake thing a la mode. i drank a bit too much but it was okay having ubered. should note not to drink white wine though. low key kind of hate it, especially the nausea the next day.

Tuesday, February 27: In office day, and Joyce provided lunch. i think we had sandwiches. i bussed into work and back, and picked up my car. it ended up being a battery issue and he did not seem to acknowledge that i had a windshield wiper fluid issue but whatever.

Wednesday, February 28: can't think of anything. work.

Thursday, February 29: work, and walked over to the local library at lunch to print out my livescan application.

Friday, March 1: pretty busy. Got gas at Costco, had a 9am appointment in Burbank for my livescan for volunteering at the shelter, handwashed my car for about an hour at the coin op car wash in glendale, and then met up with Patti at 11a.m. at my favorite thai massage place, followed by lunch at Night Market Song, then a loop around the silver lake reservoir. it was a nice time, with good conversation, and i left around 3:30pm to avoid traffic.

Saturday, March 2: just slept. all day. watched youtube. didn't do anything. slept some 11-12 hours.

Sunday, March 3: too much. church in the morning, lunch with my mom, descanso gardens with grace y and caroline, then off to long beach for a dinner party at stephen's, including amir, and some others, for a total party of 9. it was pretty fun, and everyone was nice. i felt that amir might've been uncomfortable, but that's likely because he felt out of place being either the only or one of two straight people at the party.

today was a productive day. worked, washed dishes, checked on Thor three times, handwashed a couple items of clothing, took a morning walk and a nice long lunch walk. ate yogurt, granola, and fruit for breakfast, a giant pasta lunch, and then some salad for dinner. balance.

the week ahead: trader joe's for groceries, withdrawing some cash for next week's massages with lana and a haircut for myself sometime this month. a birthday dinner for lana on saturday with 4-5 of her friends, and hopefully church on sunday. i also need to file my taxes and some sort of IRS filing for my little defunct LLC.

i'm lately feeling the need to mature. to think before i speak. to not just be spastic and quirky and undisciplined. i remember when i was in 7-8th grade and i would see the senior girls and think wow, so poised, so elegant, it'll be so neat to be a senior and transform into that. and i didn't. i was still super scruffy, hair messy, clothes unkempt, runny nose, just kinda gross. and now....i'm afraid not much has changed. but it's really time that i grow up. that i stop having to apologize for offending people, that i stop throwing myself impulsively at people who will not have me, at drinking too much, then crying too much, then hiding in shame.

i'm also realizing that lately the thing that i'm most self-conscious about is my appearance, and more recently, my weight. i feel that in general, i would look better thinner/fitter, and that especially clothes would look better on me. even if i saw an item of clothing that i thought looked good on the hanger, or on a model, i know that that will not translate onto me, and it makes me want to avoid shopping, and just in general feeling left out of that whole equation.

in other respects though, things seem to be chugging along. more routines, more structure, more writing, more cleaning, chipping away at the physical messes in my life. i deep-cleaned my car over the weekend and wiped down as much i could of the interior, and it felt like a relief to have that thin layer of dirt cleaned off.

i also bought some aerosol spray so i could clean off my laptops, and just ordered some electronics screen spray so i could clean my monitors as well. i'm just feeling a need and desire to just get to the things that i've been putting off. to get into those corners. to address the seemingly sagging portions of my ceiling, to replace the piping under my kitchen sink, to get a window guy to fix up some of the malfunctioning windows.

in the meantime, i have work and chores during the week, and usually 1-2 social functions on the weekends, one coworking day with danielle a month, and just .... just chugging along i guess.

it still feels like remarkable process though from 6 months or a year ago. i even considered briefly restarting up the self-improvement youtube, but ... who knows. i'll need to take down the videos where i'm just sobbing inconsolably. but even just the whisper of a thought to restart that was interesting to me.

it feels like progress.