#jrnl

[gastromancer]

miku binder thomas jefferson (slavetrader pirate remix)

[kimhortons]

i posted this sa story ko, ewan bat ang daming views haha. pero puro heart reacts din.

naalala ko tuloy, dati may nag sabi na hindi ko raw kaya bumili ng casio watch. yes, nung time na yun di ko pa talaga kaya, kahit kaya ko nun—3 thousand plus? masyado pang malaking purchase ito noon for me.

tagal ko ng ina-eye talaga 'tong watch na 'to. halos 10 years ago na haha. ang dami naring pagkakataon na kaya ko naman ng bilhin pero pinapalampas ko, kasi feeling ko hindi ko naman talaga kailangan, dahil di naman talaga ako mahilig sa relo. cellphone naman ang lagi kong hawak, may oras naman dun, pwede na yun ganon. paulit ulit ko dinadaanan sa store, hanggang sa naubusan nalang ng stocks at hindi ko na nakikitang naka display. akala ko phase out na yung ganitong design.

hanggang sa nahahassle na akong tumingin ng oras sa cellphone ko dahil lagi na nasa bag at hindi ko na rin laging hawak ang phone ko. that's when i decided na bibilhin ko na—sabi ko sa birthday ko next year. but then, nung naghahanap ako ng regalo para sa mga kateam ko, bigla ko naisip, bakit ko sila binibigyan ng regalo e hindi ko naman sila laging kasundo. haha. what if yung sarili ko naman? majustify lang na kung yung iba nabibigyan ko ng regalo, bakit hindi yung sarili ko? diba haha.

wala lang, it may sound petty pero ito yung mga moments na nafifeel kong malayo pa pero malayo na. yung mga bagay na mahihirapan akong bilhin noon, madali ko ng nakukuha ngayon. yung inggit ko dati kapag nakikita ko yung iba na kumakain sa labas kasama family nila, ngayon kaya ko narin i-treat yung akin, yun nga lang sayang at wala na si mommy. although lumaki kami sa luho at laging nabibigay yung mga gusto kelan man namin gustuhin, iba pala talaga yung fulfillment pag galing sa sarili mong pera—pagod at pawis yung ginagastos mo, at ikaw na yung nag bibigay. hehe lalang skl.

[talktalktalktome]

the fact that nosferatu is only 0.1 stars short of challengers on letterboxd is sending me into paroxysms. what movie did yall watch. like please what did i miss....... 0.1 stars short of challengers? like. challengers. THEE challengers. trent reznor and atticus ross challengers. really?

[highpriestess]

Some intentions I’m setting while I’m microdosing for the next few months:

To figure out how to reignite my creativity

Learning to be more grateful and maybe less angry

To lean into trust instead of resistance

Learning to be more present

[cmacaulays]

i know it’s an irish thing but i’m absolutely obsessed with the little “c’mere to me” in anything but & first time. the intimacy of it. come here to me. come here . to me .

[apricotluvr]

I think I posted these pages last year as well, only this time they are full. I don’t know if barcode art is a thing but I love it. And for some reason I stopped but collecting fruit stickers was actually quite fun

[crstnjnblr]

Finally finished The Courage To Be Disliked. I must confess there were moments of frustration and grappling with the ideas and literally tossing the book away lol. Welp, it really challenged my mind's framework but coming into the last chapters, the pieces finally fell into place.

"The life that ends at the age of twenty and the life that ends at ninety are both complete lives, and lives of happiness." This is my nth self help book since my mom died. Idk, perhaps I'm looking for an affirmation or something about her life, her death, or just human life in general. And this felt like it. Every time people talk about my mom, most of the time, it goes about how untimely it was. And even within my own family, I would constantly hear my brother say "sayang, hindi ko man lang naparamdam kay mama 'to *insert typical milestone*"... I know (and it also awfully pains me tbh) that she died without experiencing a lot of things. She didn't get to see my brother finish law school, didn't get to see me in my Sablay on a stage, didn't get to see another country, didn't get to see us married or have grandchildren, etc. I totally get the guilt and regret, but there's also a strong internal debate that it isn't right to feel that her life went about just like that because she missed some "core memories." I know deep in my heart that she lived earnestly and the people saying "sayang kasi hindi *ganito*, hindi *ganyan*" - we are all wrong. She's the kind of person who actually lived the series of moments of her life (that's why she's such a sunshine even if she's just playing candy crush or watching K-drama) and that is enough. Her life wasn't unfulfilled just because she didn't get to see these milestones set by others and arrived at their expectations.

She danced and her dance ended at fifty-eight. It is a complete, fulfilled life, a life of happiness.

[melonch4m]

Blog #3

Having an ED is stupid. This blog is stupid.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to delete this thing. I keep seeing all these posts about how wonderful it will be to be skinny from people who aren't in the danger zone yet. Or people who are young and haven't ruined their lives with their EDs. It makes me so mad.

It makes me madder to think I'm relapsing back into it too! As if being #Skinni was ever worth the look on my mother's face as she saw me dying before her eyes. This is so dumb! The tumblr culture is so dumb! Everyone saying they're "pro-recovery" is just dropping lip-service. You're all mean people.

Ugh. I'll see what I'm gonna do here.

[rainbowcadillac]

can ppl stop reblogging my corny psa posts i made when i was 14 😭 this shit is so embarrassing

[sleeterkinney]

bro sh2 remake??? I would kill a man for it

[gastromancer]

found this old tweet that i screenshotted back in sept last year lol

[kimhortons]

141224 — i badly need calmness in my life rn.

azza ferson na may anger issues, sobrang trying hard ko na sa part na 'to, as in. since dito na rin na-assign si J sa Legazpi, a week or two palang kami magkasama araw araw, halos araw araw na rin kami nag aaway. pero nareresolve parin naman at the end of the day, although paulit ulit, petty things lang naman. pero gusto ko parin maintindihan niya kung saan ako nang gagaling lagi, or yung point ko. alam ko, alam niya naman, pero parang hindi pa niya masyadong gets kung ano yung point ko. paulit ulit ko icocommunicate sakanya 'to hanggang sa mag meet na yung pov namin.

also, recently umokay na sa work. medyo okay narin kami sa manager namin, medyo okay narin yung team sa isa't isa. we just had our year end party last weekend, kahit medyo may gap parin sa team, parang tinanggap nalang ng lahat na we all have our differences and preferences, kung sinong gustong kasama or if may groupings, no big deal na siya.

so what happened now, just this week. ako na naman. nagkainitan na naman kami nung isang teammate ko nung tuesday. i know na mali na naman yung naging reaction ko. as usual, petty rin ng dahilan, work thing. pero mas sumama yung loob kung nung feeling ko pinersonal niya. nag pot luck sila kinabukasan, ni hindi man lang nila ako in-invite. kaya nanahimik ako buong week. i opened up sa isang friend namin na nasa ibang team kung anong na feel ko. kinabukasan nag share din siya dun, pero ang sabi niya "kasalanan niya naman yun" kasalanan ko daw!

oo i'm at fault din, pero siya ba walang ginawang mali? after hearing about it, nag open up naman ako sa manager namin. I also told her my side, and how i feel sa situation. I even asked if pwede ba akong i-exclude sa christmas party ng team kasi i don't feel any sense of belongin at the moment. gusto ko nalang mapag isa, since may mga bagay din talaga akong inooverthink outside work.

sinabi ko na nagpipigil talaga ako magalit, kasi feeling ko nakasalalay yung appraisal ko sa magiging behaviour ko in the coming weeks or months, or until maibigay na sakin officially. which she appreciated by the way. kakausapin nalang daw niya. then last night, nag message si work friend, infairness nag sorry naman siya. siguro nalinawan nung kinausap ng manager namin. naintindihan ko naman din na stress lang siya, pero hindi ko naisip yun bago ako nag react. sabi nga nila diba, you're not logical pag mataas yung emotions mo. and that's exactly what happened.

actually, it happens to me always. laging emosyon muna ang pinapairal ko. i don't know how to regulate my emotions, kaya ending ako rin yung nahihirapan. recently nag woworry na rin ako na kung araw araw kami mag aaway ni J dahil sa emosyon ko, baka masira yung relationship namin, but so far, i'm glad na sobrang patient niya parin sakin. I really need to work on this part of myself more. ang hirap e. ang sakit sa ulo. hehe

[talktalktalktome]

truthfully honestly completely real i think literally all of my current issues spawn from the fact that im just. deeply and cripplingly lonely. and i want to reach out and cling to anyone who can bear it but i dont think anyone can bear the weight of all of me ..........!!!!! i think i may die alone.

[highpriestess]

Should I make potica? The answer is yes. But do I WANT to make potica? the answer is no

[cmacaulays]

tamino, new york city

[thechillseekr]

First Halloween in, like, 3 years I didn't spend doing something World Inferno related in Brooklyn. Bittersweet. Still a good day, tho. Bought a new rug after watching Rajiv Surendra's "4 things I do to change my apartment" video and deciding I wanna kinda shift away from my current aesthetic of decor of, like, nostalgia and toys and whatnot to something a bit more. In keeping with that imI also bought 3 African Violet plants to try to help me home in on a schedule/regulation.

Ended the day with dinner & margaritas with @addict-by-design and talked about his trip to California so I could start laying the groundwork for expanding my own travel bubble.

Not too bad. Didn't really care to drive ~60 miles roundtrip to just go to some "adult" Halloween party which really just meant choosing between, like, 3 or 4 "different" places that really were just "drinking in a Halloween costume" in varying degrees of cramped, loud, sweaty, drunk throngs with "ironic" tattoos and not so secret coke addictions. I just turned 33; I'm too old for that shit lmao