#jrnl

[gastromancer]

miku binder thomas jefferson (slavetrader pirate remix)

[kimhortons]

081124 — ang low frequency ng energy ko recently.

napansin ko yun nung nawala yung parang magnet ko. dati kasi everytime na papasok or bibili ako sa isang store na walang tao or walang pila, biglang hahaba or mapupuno after ko, ngayon parang wala na yung ganun kong effect, ilang beses ko na natry. madalas pa yung papasok ako ng puno, tapos biglang kami nalang yung matitira tas wala ng susunod, or yung ako lang talaga. i dunno, but somehow may konek yun. lol.

tsaka yun ngang nag isolate sakin yung bestfriend ko, nung kinonfront ko siya, ni-realtalk niya naman ako as usual—yun nga nadidrain ko daw yung energy niya. feeling ko yun yung pinaka realtalk na natanggap ko sa buong buhay ko, yung akala ko aware na ako sa mga actions at nasasabi ko, not until someone important actually told me how I make them feel—I do feel bad and sorry na ganun na pala yung energy na nababato ko sakanila.

nung nag move ako dito, i thought was getting better na, i thought i was gonna thrive. pero parang kahit saan naman ata ako pumunta, hangga't hindi ako natututo talaga, babalik at babalik ako to zero, sobrang hirap ipick up ulit ng sarili everytime na babagsak ka na naman. parang yung sinabi 'to ni faye sa story niya last time e. tsaka yung itetest ka talaga ng universe kung natuto ka na, yung bibigyan ka ng challenges na magtritrigger sayo, in my case, mas madalas talaga failed parin ako. hehe.

siguro it's about the environment din talaga and the people you allow to surround you. since bahay at work lang naman ako dito; sa work, definitely it's a toxic environment na, at sobrang hinayaan ko na maapektuhan ako mentally and emotionally. sa bahay nila J, it's peaceful naman okay naman family niya, ang worry ko lang baka pati sila nakaka absorb ng energy ko, like since andito ako baka dahil sakin kaya medyo mabigat yung buhay, but I don't want to think na ganun talaga.

kaya lately, hindi rin ako masyadong nag shishare ng mga kaganapan sa buhay ko dito. cos I always sounds like nagrereklamo, tulad nga nung shinare ng bestfriend ko sa tiktok, wala naman siguro siyang pinatatamaan pero feeling ko para sakin yun. like yung lumayo sa mga taong mareklamo and all. minsan kahit sa ibang friends ko tuloy, pinipigilan ko narin mag share, madalas di nalang ako magrereply bigla, kasi mag sosound na naman akong nag rereklamo kasi nga ang dami kong reklamo sa buhay. haha. yung mapapaisip ako if okay ba na shinare ko pa yun or what or kapag mag rarant ako nag papaalam na ko kung okay lang mag vent out. ayaw ko na kasi mag pasa ng bad energy.

pinag iisipan ko na nga rin mag resign kasi lahat kami ni Z panay rants na about sa mga nangyayari sa office, cos it's not getting any better e. lahat kami gusto na mag resign, pero di ko pa alam next step ko so nag tyatyaga na muna ako, at tinatry mag work ng peaceful. feeling ko kasi malaking part yung environment sa work kung bakit hirap mag thrive, survival mode na naman e. hehe.

[cmacaulays]

i know it’s an irish thing but i’m absolutely obsessed with the little “c’mere to me” in anything but & first time. the intimacy of it. come here to me. come here . to me .

[apricotluvr]

This weeks moments of joy

[hagatek]

he let me braid his hair

[crstnjnblr]

Finally finished The Courage To Be Disliked. I must confess there were moments of frustration and grappling with the ideas and literally tossing the book away lol. Welp, it really challenged my mind's framework but coming into the last chapters, the pieces finally fell into place.

"The life that ends at the age of twenty and the life that ends at ninety are both complete lives, and lives of happiness." This is my nth self help book since my mom died. Idk, perhaps I'm looking for an affirmation or something about her life, her death, or just human life in general. And this felt like it. Every time people talk about my mom, most of the time, it goes about how untimely it was. And even within my own family, I would constantly hear my brother say "sayang, hindi ko man lang naparamdam kay mama 'to *insert typical milestone*"... I know (and it also awfully pains me tbh) that she died without experiencing a lot of things. She didn't get to see my brother finish law school, didn't get to see me in my Sablay on a stage, didn't get to see another country, didn't get to see us married or have grandchildren, etc. I totally get the guilt and regret, but there's also a strong internal debate that it isn't right to feel that her life went about just like that because she missed some "core memories." I know deep in my heart that she lived earnestly and the people saying "sayang kasi hindi *ganito*, hindi *ganyan*" - we are all wrong. She's the kind of person who actually lived the series of moments of her life (that's why she's such a sunshine even if she's just playing candy crush or watching K-drama) and that is enough. Her life wasn't unfulfilled just because she didn't get to see these milestones set by others and arrived at their expectations.

She danced and her dance ended at fifty-eight. It is a complete, fulfilled life, a life of happiness.

[highpriestess]

My mom’s death day is less painful every year but my friend who was with me on the day that it happened still comes by on the anniversary of it and makes me breakfast and takes me on a walk and I’m very grateful for them.

[melonch4m]

Blog #3

Having an ED is stupid. This blog is stupid.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to delete this thing. I keep seeing all these posts about how wonderful it will be to be skinny from people who aren't in the danger zone yet. Or people who are young and haven't ruined their lives with their EDs. It makes me so mad.

It makes me madder to think I'm relapsing back into it too! As if being #Skinni was ever worth the look on my mother's face as she saw me dying before her eyes. This is so dumb! The tumblr culture is so dumb! Everyone saying they're "pro-recovery" is just dropping lip-service. You're all mean people.

Ugh. I'll see what I'm gonna do here.

[rainbowcadillac]

can ppl stop reblogging my corny psa posts i made when i was 14 😭 this shit is so embarrassing

[talktalktalktome]

melanie was lowk yelling at me this morning and im proud of myself cuz i stood up to her! didnt wallow or beg for forgiveness and honestly got more irritated than intimidated by her... still got left in a funk by it but at least it was a self respecting funk that was more aimed at melanie than me

[gastromancer]

found this old tweet that i screenshotted back in sept last year lol

[kimhortons]

when in manila. | september 28-29

lagi talagang yung mga favorite food na wala dito sa bicol una kong kini-crave tuwing uuwi ako ng manila. at kahit kailan di talaga ako nagsasawa sa tacobell lalo ko pang namimiss kasi wala nga nun dito.

naalala ko tuloy yung bida bida naming manager haha. kakilala niya raw yung anak ng may ari ng tacobell haha. mahuhuli mo talaga sa bibig ng mga sinungaling minsan yung boka boka lang e. haha. wala namang anak si araneta haha.

anyway, syempre namiss ko rin mga mall dito, nag sasawa na kasi ako linggo linggo nalang ako nasa sm legazpi haha. miss ko na yung baluarte ko—trinoma haha.

i haven't tried llao llao kasi sobrang hype din dun ng mga tao dito sa albay. (kahapon na try ko) and all i can say is mas bet ko talaga 'tong frozen yogurt ng blk 513 na may activated charcoal. hindi ganun katamis for me ha. tsaka mas bet ko mga toppings dito.

umuwi talaga kami para manuod ng music festival. sobrang solid ng line up kaso hindi na namin natapos dahil sobrang late na at pagod na kami sa sobrang antok. sayang di ko tuloy napanuod urbandub huhu. 2:30am na nga kami umuwi nun, tapos nakita ko sa tiktok quarter to 4am na sila nakatugtog kawawa naman sila gab. 12am sila sa sched e, hindi nasunod. hays.

sabi ni Jay Contreras, "sa mga bata dito, sa mga hindi kami kilala, kami yung mga bandang pinapakinggan ng mga tito at tita niyo." hahaha. i felt so old. ang tatanda narin naman nila puro puti na nga din yung balbas ni Jay haha. ang saya at ang sarap sa pakiramdam na bumalik ako sa mga ala ala ng nakaraan hihi. watching these bands hits different talaga these days. hehe.

nag kita kami ni rachel the night nung pagkadating namin ng manila, after kumain nabudol niya pa ko bumili ng tinted moisturizer sa happy skin haha. first time ko 'tong brand na 'to actually, hindi ko naman kailangan haha. pero kasi buy 1 take 1 and namahalan ata siya kaya pinag hatian nalang namin haha. so far okay naman, feeling ko lang pag ginagawa ko 'tong base super oily ko haha.

yung dating shopwise sa araneta, fiesta carnival na pala ngayon. ang cool sa loob medyo retro yung vibes. sabe ko kay J sa sunod na pag uwi namin tatry namin mag laro dun. nag kita lang kasi kami nila rachel jan nung papunta kami ng music fest. hehe.

bago kami bumalik ng bicol the next day, as usual dumaan kami kila mitch. dun kami sa coffee shop ng ate niya tumambay. coffee na yung in-order namin, pero nag insist yung ate niya that i should try their matcha haha. dati kasi lagi namin jinajudge mga matcha ng mga local coffee shops sa lugar namin. ngayon, she really made sure na the best yung matcha ng cafe nila. and indeed it really is, kasi halos kalasa ng matcha latte sa starbucks haha.

although may unpleasant and upsetting na ganap—which i know misunderstanding lang naman, nung pag uwi ko, i think mas gugustuhin ko parin talaga umuwi from time to time. tingin ko keri ko na ng once a month kapag wala nakong bayarin. haha.

saya. hehe

[cmacaulays]

tamino, new york city

[apricotluvr]

Late shift & coming home to treat myself to my favourite desert ever! 🫶🏼

[sleeterkinney]

bro sh2 remake??? I would kill a man for it

[hagatek]

i dont like when grown ass women call themselves tomboys i dont know i dont like it. dont make me explain. especially if theyre aligned with "edgier" people