#i have a lot of rage in me for that man
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My entire life, I was taught that love is sacrificial. When you love someone, you drape yourself across the altar of their desires and hand them the knife. You say "Cut from me what you need. I'm happy to give it." You give of yourself. Give your time, give your body, give your comfort, give your heart. Give, give, give. That is what I am meant for.
Many people will gladly take what they need and want from you. You were taught never to ask for anything in return. You grin through the pain and never let the tears come and you take the scraps of affection they give you and you are grateful. Grateful that they even bothered to have you around, a lowly needy creature at their feet. You are a useful tool and that makes you happy because love is something you have to earn. If you sacrifice enough, some day they'll make sacrifices for you because they love you...
Right?
The day comes where you need something bad enough that you reach up with your bloody, trembling fingers. You say things like "if it isn't any trouble", "sorry, I know I'm asking for too much", "it's okay if you can't", "please..." You make yourself as small as possible, make your needs as convenient for others as you can. You make the sacrifice before you're even asked to because that's what you do when you love someone.
Still, you are punished. Still, you are kicked. Still, their voice rises with anger. How dare you ask them for anything? After all of the scraps they've given you, after all of the time they've allowed you to sit at their feet, after all of the purpose they gave you, this is how you repay them? You're a selfish, manipulative creature. This is not how you're meant to love. Love is making sacrifices and they're gracious enough to let you. You learn to be grateful for what you have. You learn that needing anything earns you a punishment. You learn that you need to handle your needs on your own while still giving everything to them.
The day comes, however, where you've outlasted your usefulness. You've given so much that you don't have anything left. You're not worth the scraps anymore. You took advantage of their kindness and you deserve to be punished. You can't give them what they want anymore and that makes you selfish. You, who has spent so much time crawling on the floor and hurting yourself, you are tossed out into the cold and the rain and told you are nothing. You were never worth what little you were given in the first place.
You believe this. You believe all of it. The rain stings as it hits your wounds and you thank the sky for it because if it's hurting you, that must mean it loves you. Love is pain. Love is sacrifice. Love is usefulness. You have just run out of your usefulness. You don't deserve love anymore.
You learn how to survive after this. You learn how to move on and take care of yourself, slowly but surely. But you're always carrying these beliefs with you. You are selfish. You are manipulative. Asking for help is wrong. You don't deserve to be happy. Happiness isn't even real in the first place and when it is, it's fleeting and you can't trust it. You can't trust anyone. No one is ever going to love you again.
But one day, you are loved again. You didn't think it was possible! This person saw something of value in you and invited you to sit at their table. You're going to do it right this time. You're not going to ruin it the way your did before. You're not going to be selfish. You're going to make sacrifices even bigger than you did before. You can't wait.
You sit under the table at their feet the way you're always used to. You are shocked when they're confused by this. They tell you there's a chair for you and you're left reeling. You didn't do anything to deserve something as nice as this. You haven't even made any sacrifices yet. Maybe they're giving you this kindness because then you'll have to give them something in return later. That seems more than fair, actually.
...
Time passes and you realize you've been wrong about love this whole time. Love is a seat at the table. Love is holding someone when they cry. Love is kindness. Love is giving, yes, but it is also taking. Love is cooking dinner for you. Love tells you not to apologize for needing something. Love gives you what you need freely, as best as it can. Love is laughter. Love is light. Love is warm and kind and soft. You were wrong about love all along. You never knew it could be like this.
I spent years in someone's shadow, made to feel beneath them. I was starving and cold. I begged to be considered, I begged to be a priority, I begged to be loved for who I was instead of what I could provide, I begged for a seat at the table, I begged to be worth more than what was between my legs.
I've stepped into the warm glow of the sunlight.
I will never beg again.
#personal#vent#from my journal#ive finally come to terms with the fact that my ex was an awful abusive asshole to me#and ive had a lot of feelings and thoughts about that#this was largely inspired by my boyfriend telling me that i didn't need to apologize for needing him#i have a lot of rage in me for that man#but i HAVE to center myself when speaking about what i went through instead of him#ive become exhausted trying to defend him for as long as i have#but hes not here anymore#he can't do anything to me now#tw abuse#tw blood mention
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Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple and how “ability users” (opposite to “normal people”) learning to accept themselves through the acceptance of their own abilities is a queer metaphor of acceptance of own's sexual orientation and gender: an essay by me
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#About: Dead Apple. Watched this a while ago with a friend and it was a lot of fun!!!#If you're reading this: thank you so much for hanging out with me I had such a good time (ㅅ´ ˘ )♡#Next to general considerations: wow they were right that Bungou Stray Dogs movie sure can Bungou Stray Dogs#It's always nice to see the detailed animation and elaborate backgrounds of movies. The animation quality compared to the manga is–#definitely noticeable and it's nice to see. That said... I still like the season 2 art style more? And I'm speaking strictly of art style.#The s2 one looks more soft and smooth while the da one is so much more rough.#The plot is... Very bsd-esque I don't think there's anything to add.#In my opinion Kyouka's arc is the one that turned out best tbh. I really like her narrative development and personal growth in this movie.#I like the complexity of her state of mind. how full of contradiction she is. I especially appreciate the recurring small changes of–#expression that indicate how she thinks differently from Atsushi even if she doesn't voice them. The fight between her cynicism and her–#kind nature. It's all very interesting.#Atsushi's development is interesting too. Although all the open questions about his ability we still have kind of leave me frustrated#I don't feel very strongly about Akutagawa in this movie? I mean‚ he's there. The ss/kk scenes are always great and in character and a joy–#to witness no matter what they do. He just doesn't shine particularly? Or at least personally I dont find the “proving my strength against–#myself” narrative arc to be particularly interesting. Imo it was a lot better flashed out in the da stage play! With the complexity that–#the dialogues with Chuuya added to the character. Dazai attacking him. And especially Aktgw understanding that Rashomon wasn't testing Aktg#but rather only expressing that unstoppable rage that is also Aktgw's own. About that I checked out the play and I really liked it!!#I only watched highlights (aka: ss/kk and chuu/aku scenes) but there's some stuff I really like. I like the conflict between Aktgw and–#Chuuya and how Chuuya messes up with Aktgw at first maliciously and then amiably. It's interesting how Atsushi himself observes that Kyouka#and Akutagawa get along. And especially the sskk almost-handholding and Atsushi saying Akutagawa has a nice profile were cute akjdhbsawhjb#Next. Da really is shipping paradise (╥﹏╥) Sorry but... It is. oda/zai. daz/atsu. ss/kk. s/kk. fuku/mori. chuu/aku. It really has everythin#and the moments are so good!!!! What else. Wish we'd see more of Tsujimura. And Christie. And women in general tbh.#Also‚‚‚‚‚ Atsushi's tiger form in this movie is ATROCIOUS. I've said it before but it's crazy how a franchises that relies so heavily on–#fanservice came up with something this hideous. Man the movie overall was pretty but Atsushi sure wasn't. Firmly stand by the belief–#that only Akutagawa would find that form attractive.#Oh last note. honestly if we're ready to accept a movie where an antidote has effect AFTER the person has effectively died then we really–#can't complain about any kind of insanity the manga brings up#random rambles
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hey, sorry um. bad news i called the Kansas Regulatory Board on your boyfriend. yeah, the one who started dating you and is now taking you on a trip to Paris after spending over a year with you for individual treatment and then couples counselling with your ex-husband. i'm then going to personally throw a football at his head for being such a piece of shit therapist. sorry.
#can you tell i have beef with this man#everything about his choices are so wrong on so many levels and his license for practice should be fucking GONE#like if i had 15 hours i could not even BEGIN to tell you all the ways he's being unethical and failing at his job#dr jacob come fight me in a denny's parking lot i fucking DARE you#i see your “ill take my gf on a romantic trip to paris while i leave her son with his father who's trust i have completely betrayed”#and i raise you “meet me on pont neuf at sunset so we can duel to death you curdled cup of milk of a man”#you don't DESERVE to eat crepes in paris#FUCK YOU#hhhhhnnnnng this fictional character has got me in such a rage you don't even understand#it is so hard to live laugh love in these dr jacob conflict episode economies smh#i wish ted a very nice kill him pls :)#ted lasso#ted lasso spoilers#ted lasso season 3#andis thought geyser
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It's rough out here right now, hope you're doing ok
Awwww, this is really sweet, and thank you, I'm doing okay, I hope you are as well!
#I have a lot of complicated feelings but most of them are fandom-reaction-related vs. liam himself#i'm in the camp of it's tragic to see someone die so young even if it wasn't surprising given what he was going thru (and for so long)#my heart goes out especially to his son and to maya and to the rest of his nearest and dearest as well#and to those who felt touched enough to come back to a space they'd long abandoned to feel that reconnection#but ALSO also there's some hypocrisy on multiple fronts that fills me with (more than likely misplaced) fury#i'm doing my damnedest to block that shit out because the rage is for reasons both big and small and i can read a room#against my better judgement i have lurked#and dear god#what i could put on my salty sideblog#it's not the time nor the place--the man in question had many faults but that level of pettiness wasn't one of them
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i’m not a transandrophobia truther in the slightest don’t get me wrong, but i think some people on here really need to realize and comprehend the fact that cis women, way WAY more often than not, hold extremely significant social and political power over trans men the vast majority of the time in our day to day lives
#sorry not to get on this bullshit i just saw a related post when i opened this app lmao#and by some people i don’t mean anyone in particular im not vagueing anyone or any specific post#and i especially don’t mean any transfem calling out transmisogynistic transmascs either#but yeah i see a lot of implication that trans men are like. somehow significantly privileged over cis women#and ofc i don’t mean that transmascs are incapable of being misogynistic to cis women bc that’s far from the case#but i need someone to name a transmasc with significant political or social or financial power that’s working to set back women’s rights#versus the amount of cis women with any of the aforementioned privileges working to take away the rights of trans people#bc i can think of 4 of the latter just off the top of my head without trying really hard#and the only day to day instance i can think of where trans men would hold significant power over a cis woman is like..#a workplace environment where he completely passes as cis and absolutely no one knows he’s trans at all or even suspects it#but then again most if not all of that privilege would be stripped away the second anyone there found out he was trans#but yeah i really do think some people need to grapple with how they conceptualize gendered privilege and their own power in these dynamics#and how that’s reflected in the way they think about/interact with transmascs#are you disgusted with this random transmasc on tumblr because he’s a man (or vaguely adjacent) or because he’s trans. ykwim#and again i hate the whole transandrophobia thing i think it’s stupid as shit and redundant to put it lightly and briefly but#idk why transmascs that believe in it have become the new face of anti-feminism and MRA movements#and not like. the cis men who started both of those things and contribute to the vast majority of that type of rhetoric in every way#and also hold enough power to leverage those beliefs over both women and also transmascs tbh#i think some people are just repulsed by the idea of anyone willingly wanting to be a man bc they see it as the same as becoming a cis man#in terms of privilege. when in reality by being trans you’re knocked down in terms of power and privilege from all cis people anyways#but also. some people also need to realize that transmascs can also have trauma and complicated feelings about being a man and patriarchy#and more often than not we ARE traumatized by the way cis men (and women!!) have treated us#and grapple with our place in the world as a result. it’s not just as simple as becoming a cis man over night tbh!!#and again i’m not talking about transfems with any of this because the vast Vast majority of transfems understand this more than anyone#i’m mostly talking about cis women both irl and also just in the terminally online leftist sphere#and i also think i should be allowed to vent my grievances with the power cis women often do wield over me without being accused of being a#raging misogynist or MRA or whatever
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Re-playing the Cazador Palace and the end of Astarion's quest line reminded me of the bad end I had for him and Ronan.
Astarion ascends despite Ronan's protests, using one of the other companions to help him. From then on, there's a strain between him and Ronan, the affection and intimacy gone as the cleric seems to refuse to even address him and Astarion is angry he refused to help. Once the brain is defeated, Astarion, missing his love, stupidly feels brave enough to approach Ronan about becoming his spawn.
As they are alone and Astarion tries to sell his idea, something snaps in Ronan. Astarion finds himself divinely held, incapable of moving as Ronan glares him down silently in the same way he does any enemy that crosses his path, raising his mace and smoke billowing from his mouth. Astarion manages to escape the spell in time to avoid getting bashed in the head, pleading and begging Ronan see reason, what's gotten into him, what the hells happened, doesn't he love-
And he finds himself grabbed, physically this time, a fist around his arm tight enough it feels as though the bone may break. Ronan finally speaks to him, the first time in at least a week, telling him with every ounce of hatred and wrath Astarion knows the dragonborn to be capable of that the man he loved died with all the other people Astarion killed and as a cleric, it his duty to eradicate such a monster. Stunned and in disbelief, Astarion mists away at that just in time to avoid an onslaught of flames, gone into the night as his new ascended life already begins with an enemy gained.
It goes from there. Ronan is in constant pursuit of Astarion and the vampire can't rest for too long. His operation must always be moving, always secret as he never knows when his doors will be kicked in by a group of holy men and his spawn and undead and werewolves and pawns eradicated as he flees once more. If Ronan catches him or he gets to Ronan, it's a fight to the bloody end until one is forced to flee as with every ounce of power and control Astarion has scraped together as an ascended vampire, Ronan has matched him with his own vengeful devotion to his divine warpath.
And they don't give up, not even Astarion. While Ronan wants him dead, wiped from this plane of existence, Astarion wants Ronan to be his. While he found everything he thought he wanted with his completion of the black mass, all the power, all the unending worship, all the status he could feasibly attain as a vampire, what Astarion finds in this new existence is a lack of connection.
At one point, he had friends and allies that wanted to know him for him and he had love and affection without parameters, a taste of the unconditional, of devotion to his being that developed naturally, genuinely, free of a want or a need for anything more of Astarion than himself. As he is now, this doesn't exist; all the spawn and thralls who serve and fawn over him only do so due to his powers making that love exist and all the other vampires who devote themselves to him only do so to keep his favor. Astarion finds this reality barren, empty of warmth as he looks at lover after lover he charmed in the eyes and finds nothing but his own face staring back him and he hates it.
So he obsesses over what he had with Ronan. Yearns for his neck and his subservience and his love that he cut himself off from with one bloody decision. Every time they meet again, as Ronan is attempting to cut him down, Astarion is trying everything in his power to make the cleric his, to seduce him back into his arms with either his teeth or his words, desperate to see Ronan look at him like he used to.
And Ronan always denies him. Every time, he denies him, dressed horn to toe in plate and deaf to the pleas spat at him in a voice that haunts him that he'd give anything to hear come from the person he used to have. So they fight and neither ever wins.
Over. And over. And over again.
#jacq writes#this ends very sadly#as one would imagine#Ronan tells anyone who asks why he's obsessed with this one weird vampire#that Astarion killed the man he loved so now he wont rest until one of them is dead as well#that's the one thing that could be super interesting to me about asctarion is that#he would have to be so goddamn lonely one his throne at the 'top'#also its an interesting character to pair with some as powerful or more powerful to put him down a peg#I dunno thats fun to me#also something about ronan's character I like but don't talk about a lot is just how mean and single minded he can be#he still has that rage and temper and stubborness in him that fucked him over before but he's better at directing it#and an ascended Astarion would be the target for the dear holy man#he's my dumb lizard man and I rotate him in my brain to much#bg3
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If there is at least one thing I can credit FE for doing better than Tales in localization, it's not trying to actively go out of their way for an entire game to avoid subtext or direct text between two men that is romantic or implied romantic. Funny when it's so present that the attempt doesn't even work; infuriating that it was attempted to begin with.
So as much as I often have issues with some of FE's localizations, at least they have a leg up on loc Tales for that.
#DCB Comments#imagine changing entire sentences and vocal tones just to try to avoid it#if anything I'd say at least in FE the locs just... keep what's there like#they could've toned Soren and Houses Yuri down and they didn't. they just kept their lines or in some cases#especially with Houses Yuri I'd say leaned into them#have to specify bc Houses Yuri got to keep his bi agenda. Vesperia Yuri had the unfortunate issue of#the loc not wanting to keep his gay and trying reeeeally hard to avoid it#including altering entire sentences to avoid any woe is them misunderstandings about men having feelings for each other#meanwhile Houses Yuri is free to call men cute and lo and behold everyone loved that for him#they removed and altered a LOT of Vesperia Yuri's personality traits#(including any ability to express real sadness or fear bc woe is them if he's not a cool edgy man)#but they also really changed his tone toward Flynn PLUS some of what they say to each other#and twisted it to make it sound like Yuri was either angry or wasn't actually emotional abt him#forget the way they brought Grant George in for the DE release and made him sound just completely DEAD with zero personality#like. I can tolerate playing Houses dubbed despite my gripes with it (story based stuff)#it didn't feel like they were trying to alter LBGT+ aspects and they even for some rly leaned into it#basically if you haven't played Vesperia Yuri is... really gay coded. the loc pretended not to notice#in fact he's queer + gay coded bc and doesn't fit male gender norms and the gacha games LOVE that with his hair/outfits#Rays mind you is JP only bc it was shut down very quickly in the west and Vesp Yuri's story in Rays is uh#basically it centers around Flynn he loses his shit to protect Flynn and they do the usual like#don't-admit-it's-gay-outright in fictional media by using the ''Yuri's important person'' shtick#but he activates a special power in the middle of utterly raging to get Flynn back from their enemies#funny thing? that game never made it to that arc. I was told in about five months the western ver would've gotten that#but in some way I'm glad it didn't bc who knows how they would've tried to spin that#It's BAFFLING to me how you can get characters in Tales like JAY but the locs shake in their boots at the idea of queer gays#but given how allergic fictional media is to admitting a male character is gay -gestures to Ike and Vesp Yuri-#I'm not surprised I'm just actually angry that the locs try to censor homosexual relationships as much as possible even when they barely ca#if anyone does know Vesp Yuri and is confused on why I'm calling him gay coded despite what the dub did with Judith feel free to ask#bc I do ship them a little bit myself! but I just recognize that canon wise I really can't see him as anything but gay-demiromantic#but again at least FE locs don't shake in their boots anymore abt same sex pairs including men (side eyes Lucius/Raven)
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@oceanlaceagate
Well ok you asked for explaining so I'm so sorry about the rant that's bound to happen I have beef with this woman like many many MANY homeschool co-op mothers I would like to meet her IN THE PIT
uh I guess trigger warning possibly would be like food diets and possibly eating disorders I'm not sure but I would rather be safe then accidentally harm you friend?
my mother was a crunchy homeschool nutter and her entire social group was crazy homeschool mom cultists.They were all obsessed with clean godly eating and losing weight they constantly kept repeating that they needed to treat their bodies like temples and it really wasn't healthy or good for so many reasons.
well one of the women in that group for as long as i can remember (I've know this lady since I was a lil kid) she believes it's impossible for European women to get fat because of *spins the wheel*
She just has some fucked up made up facts about Europe in general like WARNING SHE'S ACTUALLY ON PURPOSE STUPID
like she has for as long as I can remember believed with E V E R Y FIBER in her body (i have argued so much with her she will not budge in her world this is fact) no one once they hit preteens in france eats bread.
France home of the croissant, baguette and many other carbs bready bakery wonders...
Yeah no one there eats bread that is why French women are so thin and healthy they don't eat bread or any kind of sweets! (She and my mom then tried to make me do that for a bit they were always "suggesting" diets on me it sucked in expecting the thm diet and the melted butter+coffee+ apple cider vinegar diet to have fucked up my body somehow)
Apartly in her world no one in Ireland uses any kind of fat when I asked her to explain wtf that meant she said no one in Ireland uses oil or butter which like..
No that makes no sense where did she even come up with that?!I
Once I took a picture of like some fancy imported butter from Ireland at the store to show her and she and the other moms all straight up walked away and would not look at it. They would not talk to me kept actually doin the "talk to the hand" thing and covering their ears and telling me I'm wrong and stupid and to shut up they will not look at the evidence.
This woman is in her late forties to early fifties she has convinced half the homeschool mother cult that no one in France eats bread with no evidence other then she said so!!!!!
They honest to God believe it also!!!!
Recently she was trying to tell me that no one in the UK eats chicken that it's "looked down on as a disgusting poor man's food" she just went on n on on this long crazy rant that made no sense at all but she acted like she was very intelligent and cultured for knowing this.
My best friend and wife is from the UK and frankly i quickly asked them and they were able to point out this lady is just batshit insane.
Like my wife mentioned there's Nandos everywhere in the UK and that serves chicken mainly I have no clue where she's getting her info or ideas.
She got super angry amd defensive and has gone off saying she has two sources "two very reliable very real and very British people who totally aren't made up there her real Facebook friends that told her yup no one in the uk eats chicken only the USA makes fried chicken poor England is missing out on chicken because they're a bunch of snobs who think it's poor people food" so that's what she believes despite a lot of common sense and evidence to prove otherwise but "how dare I question an elder?!'
I really can't explain it like there's no logic or facts in it I myself don't understand it? I have gotten into many fights with this women.
So many fight
so so so many fights
Stupid amounts of fights
not just over this but like over everything under the sun I swear this woman is living a different reality then everyone else.
she just makes stuff up on a fly and then somehow convinces herself and like a dozen other women in they're 40s-50s that everyone in Europe is significantly skinner because they just happen to not eat the food that one lady dislikes...
like I can't really explain more then that this woman has no evidence, refuses to listen to evidence and has the firmest faith in stupidity I've ever seen it's truly kinda terrifying i wish i had her self confidence but also just wow....
I don't think that she's normal I think a lot of American children do actually learn about other countries? I learned about other countries when I was really young my mom would focus on one a month and then I'd have to do a lil presentation at the end of the month in front of my grandad and we'd cook a meal with some traditional foods from there if possible I had a lot of fun learning recipes from all over the world and we'd get a monthly cd with music from all over the world it was so cool! one of my favorite games when I was little with my grandad was he'd spin the globe point at random n then i had to say thw county, the capital, a famous food item from there and one history fact is famous person if I knew one and it was SO MUCH FUN!!!
maybe it's a new homeschool thing or a church thing or maybe this lady is just straight up purposely stupid I'm not sure? I have no fuckin clue this woman is insane I avoid her every chance I can.
#rants#ignore me I'm stupid#just yeah#she was one of my mom's bffs and lord she made life hell#Narnia a book written by a Catholic man with DJ much religious imagery and symbolism in every single book in the book series#and progressively gets more n more christan the further into the series you get#was evil and satanic#she yelled at me for liking old yeller#she was CRAZY#but the scary thing is she got a lot of women believing her every word especially European diet shit it was CRAZY#only Americans have addresses no one else dose i guess according to her she got my grandma to believe that for a bit until i pointed out#THE MILLIONS OF BOOKS WRITTEN BY A BILLION AUTHORS ALL OVER THE WORLD THAT MENTION ATREET NAMES AND ADDRESSES#LIKE EXAMPLES PRIDE N PREJUDICE AND SHERLOCK HOLMES HABE ADDRESSES MENTIONED#JUST TWO BOOKS NOT WRITTEN BY AMERICAN OR RECENT WITH ADDRESSES#that got my gran to think a bit but that lady thinks they must have been influenced by Americans aomehow shes SO STUPID IT FILLS ME W RAGE#her daughter told me jesus didn't eat seafood and seafood was unbibical#i.... I do not understand#like do you know where jesus lived do you know what some of his friend's jobs was or like the sermon on the Mount#dis you not read the Bible? why you mad ay me for eating all the time#now that i think of it a lot of times her crazy food things tend to be things i was currently eating kr talking about that i enjoyed eating#huh#weirdo lady#she yelled at me for eating two Oreos once#like yeah i wasn't being greedy but yeah she really got mad over that#now that my mom's passed she texts me randomly because she misses my mom n i think she wants me to fill the void i feel kinda bad for her#but i can't#i can't be her friend not after the shit she influenced my mom too be so cruel to me in the name of God growing up#i will not be her friend#that and she's stupid ofcorse people eat chicken bread and butter that's kinda the most basic human foods i feel like#EVERYBODY HAS BREAD EVERYWHERE BREAD IS THE MOST HUMAN THING
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HARVEY GUILLEN FROM WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS WAS ON UM ACTUALLY
WASNT HE ADORABLE? i think dropout should keep putting him in situations
#my man was trying his best and i love him for that.#every time i think of harvey i have to remember how i first saw him in the magicians and then i go into a blind rage thining about that show#answered#okay now that ive written enough tags can i drop a stupid cold take??#i always get a lil miffed watching um actuallys when the episode has a theme but a lot of the contestants clearly arent Big Fans#my favorite um actuallys are the ones where people clearly know Too Much#i never forget that one anime one they did and ppl just kept missing incredibly easy questions that anyone who Did watch regularly#would know#charlie im so sorry i did this to your ask you did nothing to warrant this i just have Opinion#i just want more episodes where everyone is suuuper into the topic and are trying to 1-up each other#put me on um actually is what im saying
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Actually, I do have a lot of thoughts about Prose Tristan (not necessarily coherent ones) and I'm only halfway through
#renee l curtis come here i have some more questions i need a bigger introduction#btw i REFUSE to accept that iseult tried ro have brangaine killed and on account of mark on top of it all?????? girl of course she slept#with your husband you were the one that put her in the position of the sacrificial lamb to begin with 😭#palamedes could be the most romantic man in the world. except for the abduction part yknow.#Tristan is a lot like mark but with much better manners#tristan pretty privilege so high he has people out there wanting to sign peace treaties just on account of how hot he is#iseult is the definition of gaslight girlboss girl how do you move in life#had an interesting debate with my sibling about the love potion. my sibling mantains it was an asshole move on Iseult's mom part i mantain#she was doing her absolute best to protect her daughter so i support her#and back to Iseult's mom: what were her thoughts when tristan popped up again at her home? and just took her daughter? after all of that?#i loved that her rage and grief was so strong and that she tried to kill tristan with his own sword 🤎#i really support Iseult's mom. now ISEULT'S DAD#just when i was thinking he was one of the better arthurian parents (not that it was hard) he has a horrifying prophetic dream about#his daughter dying if she goes with tristan AND HE STILL SENDS HER OFF WITH HIM LISTEN IF I GET MY HANDS ON YOU ANGUIN OF IRELAND I SWEAR--#laura reads#*Iseult's mom tried to kill tristan BEFORE he returned to ireland and took his daughter this is why it haunts me#prose tristan
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Heeeere comes another parental holiday
truama dump in tags
#vent#owen and i are actually going over to my parents' house tomorrow because my dad offered to help us fix the ac on the car#and the toss up of whether he behaves himself or goes full on psychotic rage mode is making me nauseous#i know it's beyond his control (he needs to get checked for DID but haha. his trauma is centered around mental healthcare dontchaknow :) )#but it still fucking sucks#and it usually happens on holidays so GODDDD let him stay normal#he never emotionally or physically abused me (gives my mother a hard stare)#his biggest real parenting crime was ignoring it by going off and taking a lot of jobs to get away from it all (he was a truck driver)#but he WOULD surprise us with these little rage flare ups every so often and it always sucked#so i guess that counts as psychological abuse#because of the shit he'd say#but man#i have such a complicated relationship with my dad so father's day has always been so fucking weird for me#but w/e it doesn't matterrrrrrr#as long as we get the fucking ac fixed
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constellations chapter 3 is SO GOOD idk what the fuck happened there, but go OFF!!!
#i know everyone's in chapter 4 land but 3 is SOO GOOD#bro the stone forest alone....HELP#ugh it was so hard writing wukong's rage form but HOLY SHIT!! reading it after is so hype#do u ever just sit in a pavilion as the rain gently falls...with your ex-husband and mentee....and it's quiet and peaceful but#there's a strong turbulence going on deep inside you :3#the way wukong always dusts MK off and wipes his tears away and makes sure he's clean faced and ready to go#speaks to how much wukong cares about vanity#i mean he also is expressing comfort and compassion but. he also cares about appearances a lot#but anyway -- do you also ever have a conversation with your ex-husband through eye contact alone?#i think they've done that four times in this fic...#mk the entire journey: every day i get a little more homophobic#HE'S SO TIRED!!!!#MK after talking to wukong and macaque at the inn: yeah haha! i seriously wanna go home now! 🙃#MK on the phone: DADSY /PLEASE/ COME PICK ME UP!!!!#macaque seeing Wukong's eyes for the first time and actually stopping everything that he was doing#and just looking at wukong and being like “haha...heeyyy what the fuck?? did they do to you??” chef's kiss#wukong and macaque just talking while macaque captures that random man's shadow...please#as they reminisce about how things used to be...how easily they talk to each other when they're not guided by hate#that's the thing it's how easily they fall into step with one another#that's shadowpeach. they'll be off balance or one will be running and the other walking. they'll get distracted or whatever. but#they'll always fall back into step with one another#and that's why they've got to walk with each other. step by step...so they can stop being afraid 😌
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You know how in mob psycho you can see the percentage counter for how close mob is to absolutely losing it
#i think the weather getting hotter and more summery is dredging up a lot of shit again#on top of the job search being dubious at best#on top of the unresponsive roommates and me talking politics at work (in a good way) and going MAN my home is#not meeting my needs#on top of the room itself being too small the fridge not big enough to accommodate 3 people#half my shit disappearing in the fridge as things get shoved wherever#on top of the current job stressing me past my limits#i dont think i really considered every single factor until i nearly started crying at target while looking at home goods#bc yeah.. yeah i do want home goods but don't have a fucking home large enough to accommodate them#i am feeling rage well out of proportion for what i am experiencing at this very moment but with all factors considered#it seems much more reasonable#it is genuinely so out of proportion I'm getting knocked into dissociative territory; outsourcing my anger#anyways. guess who bought more candles. i came for hand soap. and a drain snake to unclog the bathtub#we've been trying drano to no avail so I'm taking matters into my own hands#everything is starting to burn off and now I'm just. tired. i am doing my best with what I'm being given#shai speaks
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i need to go to sleep right now but i've got zimon in the brain and i know i won't be able to sleep until i do something to get him out of the brain but i can't get up to draw right now and i sure as hell can't get up to write that would take me around 11 years so i'll just sit here and rotate him in my mind like a burnt chicken
#🧅#im remaking the apostle designs too. just. a lot of disciple disease lately.#if there was more aro representation in media i wouldn't cling to the two characters i hc as aro so i can actually do it in a non shitty wa#and I wouldn't be up thinking about them right now and i wouldn't go to sleep late and i'd be abke to study tomorrow and actually get into#uni and get a degree and find a job a d have a life. so if i get nowhere in life it's actually because society hates aromantic people.#man why did i give up on writing. if i could write right now i could just. write all thr concepts out of my head instead of keeping them#up there.#pfft. ''the two characters i hc as aro'' as if i don't cast aro spells on Everyone Ever.#whatever you get james and simon are my blorbos of choice atm#if i could at least get over my current wave if Aromantic Rage so i could actually make ship content and post some jesus/judas along with#all the aro people so people would care about them more :/#queerbaiting you guys so you consume content about Other type of queers#man. i hate when this happens it alienates me from fandom So much . cause like the second people start talking about ships im like 'cool'#*fades out like that giy doing the peace sign*#and i know its not my actual Opinion either i like these ships it's just. auugghfhfh.#not to mention everyone making amazing ship content and not even being able to check it out because i get irrationally pissed#sometimes i wish i weren't aro so bad#sometimes. then i remember it's awesome and aromanticism is god's masterpiece and i love it. but man.
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GORGEOUS case bro I've never seen one with a continuous design like that and the embossment itself is so tasteful... always happy to see Mr. Dunkulous too <3
ALSO AYO YOU WATCHED MONDAY? How was it? Either way you're almost done with the Sabu Tsutsumi catalogue then... that's epic... I'm glad you liked Destiny too, it really is such a cute movie
Also I'm pretty sure PS4 preloads are open too BUT I'm still salty Xbox gets it a day early </3
Its one of the first designs i ran into while looking up wallet cases LMAO lucky me me thinks…. Its very pretty <3 mr dunkulous here to stay and keep me company lest i totally lose my mind <3<3
AND I DID i mentioned so durin stream yesterday ! i REALLY loved it, sabu keeps putting ttm in terrible situations and it makes me giddy seeing him panic 🥰 AND DESTINY WAS ADORABLE it was so cute….. really wholesome and what my soul needed….
OH PS4 PRELOADS OPEN ? Ill check it out when i get home later……. Why does xbox get it a day early thats rude me thinks…..
#snap chats#cancelling a post i was gonna make to bitch in the tags of this one <3#anyway on this day this monday we remember the words of our king ryuji goda#A Real Man Oughta Be A Little Stupid DO YALL WANNA KNOW HOW MAD I AM.#HOW I JUST SPENT A FRACTION OF MY FOOD MONEY ON A STUPID CARD#WHEN MY FUCKING ID WAS UNDEE MY TABLET. CAN YOU IMAGINE MY RAGE. MY ANGER.#I TORE UP MY ROOM ALL WEEKEND BUT NEVER THOUGHT TO CHECK UNDER MY FUCKIN TABLET#its a lilfunny….. im tryna make the most of it ok GODAMMIT IM SO MAD THO I CANT#$20 is like $5 in todays society everything is twenty fuckin dollars i cant live like this#at least my deadnames not on my id anymore… and it doesnt look like its falling apart ig…#STILL HAVE THIS TERRIBLE PHOTO AND ID RATHER BE DEADNAMES AND HAVE $20 THAN NOT HAVE $20#NO ONE TALK TO ME ANYWAY kinda funny. hang on.#at least i dont have to get a new sticker… i just scalpe the old one from my oher card.. lol… knife came in handy…#was leaving to Waste Twenty Dollars when i ran into one of my roommate’s boyfriend for the ninth time this semester#and we both clamber into the elevator and he like ‘ive seen you a lot lol so uhh whats your name :)’#and the struggle i had… do i say Aforementioned Dead Name do i say my Thinking Of Changing First Name do i say Last Name….#the safe answer is always last name so thats what i did but god i floundered..i stared at him for a second longer than i shouldve#today sucks. at least i dont have a night class today…#i’d stream y0 but streams dont go well when i stream them at 5#plus i have to work on a comm… ouugg lemme cap it here before i rant for thirty tags straight LMAO#anyway. love my new case. destiny was cute. angry jealous frog ttms funny and sad at the same time. monday made me giggle 🥴#this was a good post to make while making sure my cars battery didnt die LMAO ok bye <3
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#im gonna just scream into the void real quick because this is getting on my nerves but also im scared of confrontation#but peoples responses to that clip of daniel ricciardo on that podcast is just getting to me man#like i know for a fact that if it wasn't everyones favorite white boy they would be jumping on the chance to call him a misogynist#and like do i think hes a raging misogynist? probably not#but also god clearly people didnt grow up with the boys around them constantly making jokes at the expense of women#like how women arent funny or women dont have rights#and it just fucking sucks to see a lot of people just saying “oh its just a joke grow thicker skin”#like fuck im just so tired if having to put up with that and not being allowed ti be angry#also “its just a joke” shut the fuck up bro think critically for one secind#just really disappointed that a lot of people are trying to say this wasnt that serious just because its danny ric#and like full disclosure i have never like him all that much he always came of as douchy to me#idk even know what im trying to say anymore i know no one's gonna read this i just needed to get it off my chest
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