#i hate when i get like this
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i hate how much of a jealous person i am
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I wish I could locate my lost motivation
It's like, the desire is there. I want to create. But I've been bashing my head against one project today that shouldn't be this hard.
Going to switch gears and see if I'm just not working on the right thing after a little break.
#I hate when I get like this#but I guess I should be grateful that it doesn't happen more often#usually I'm a rendering machine#with more ideas than I can keep up with#as in I'll be planning my next 4 renders while working on a single one#salem rambles#I'm tired#personal life bs certainly isn't helping#why stress gotta be stressful lmfaoooooo#monday blues
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i’m absolutely so fucking tormented out of my mind for this woman like if she’s not in touching distance or at least texting me i want to scratch off all my skin and pull out all my hair
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im in a weird bad mood today :(
#i really don't like it#i hate when i get like this#i was about to start questioning what it is/where it came from but#i think it's just splitting again#it just happens to hurt a lot more for some reason rn#personal
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Is this just a constant? Am I not going to get better?
#ed bllog#ed relapse#self destruction#sorry for being depressing#tw depressive#i hate when i get like this#will it ever get easier
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I have so many story plots and scenes swirling around my head it's just chaos. Can I please focus on a single things and finish it? Stupid brain 😩
#seriously#i hate when i get like this#boys can you just pick one situation and one position and just fuck already#clearly it is the ships fault not my lack of ability to focus#fic writing#writer problems#writblr
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#I was getting into a very destructive mood and despite it being so late I’m glad my mum was awake#because I just asked her to quickly move all my money across to her account so I couldn’t touch it#I hate when I get like this#I was sitting in the shower for ages trying to calm myself down#but my brain kept putting stupid and horrible thoughts and images in my head#bleh#but at least the money is safe so I won’t do anything stupid or reckless with it#moments like this make me really feel as though I’m falling behind in adulthood
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feeling like all my writing is actually shiiiiiiiiiit on this wednesday night
#i hate when i get like this#when it just feels like everyone’s lying to be nice#and i am actually terrible#I know it’s all in my head or whatever#but lord have mercy#I am in it lads
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she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.
my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.
my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.
my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.
at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.
my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.
i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.
two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.
it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.
#writeblr#wlw#i often think about like.....#being happy in a gay relationship is sometimes so odd#bc u can forget how stupid ppl are.#bc ur so USED to being gay. and u forget other people GENUINELY ARE homophobic#so it's like. girl pardon?????#but also there are moments where it's like. ohhh the kids are alright#like watching someone razz someone else.... so fucking wholesome#“lemme get this bitche's pronouns before i make gentle fun of them�� .... i would have KILLED for that.#THAT is how u know ur accepted#not just tolerated#..... when ppl are like. sure ur nonbinary congrats but WHAT is this fucking sunscreen application#ps idk if "razz'' is a real word but someone asked what it means -#i've always heard it as being a term for 'gentle & friendly teasing'' which like#i personally notice more from my guy friends but is like - when a person isn't#LIKE ACTUALLY teasing u (it's nothing personal/mean) they're just laughing w/you about something#my friends often put on a little voice and call me an anemic little bitch#like 'ooooo the anemic little bitch is cold??? does she need a mouse blanket#bc she's SOOOO SMALL AND ANEMIC???''#and it doesn't hurt my feelings (it makes me laugh very hard) bc 1. i actually called MYSELF that first#and 2. i'm not sensitive about it!!!#a proper razz is when you are ALSO in on the joke - i ALSO think it's funny#for some people i personally find that when they razz u it's when they love u -#they've noticed something genuine about u and love u enough that u know they're not being mean#this is cultural and personality based of course but i'm hispanic#if someone isn't making fun of me it means they hate me . obviously.
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For some reason, I've just felt tired for most of today. I've felt like I don't do enough on and off for a long time now, but today it felt really egregious. I almost feel like i wasted my saturday, but i know that's a very subjective assessment. Still, i've just been in a bad mood all day. I don't know why, but it's true. And I wish I knew why, because it's just been tiresome to deal with. I even had a whole bunch of posts i could have made, but then got really tired and made no posts. sigh...
#I hate when i get like this#I wish i knew why i felt like this today#but sadly i really don't know#sigh...#autism#asd#neurodivergent#my thoughts#autistic#adhd#actually autistic#audhd#sad#sadness#tired#tiredness#fatigue#bored#boredom#sedentary#laziness#venting#vent post#sigh#depressed#feelings#moods#mood swings
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#ic#sighs#I hate when I get like this#ideally I do something to take my mind off it#but every now and again it sits on me very heavily and I don’t wanna do anything#but marinate
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I wonder when people will start to see me the way I see myself. I know myself best and I don’t like myself at all. I say things without thinking I laugh too much I cry too much I’m not good enough for myself so why would I be good enough for anyone else
#self h@te#i hate when i get like this#i wish i was better#i wish i wasnt like this#i wish i knew how to deal with these feelings
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IT'S FINALLY FUCKING DONE. I'M FINALLY FREE
UNTIL FRAUD COMES OUT
Tumblr shrinks it down pretty bad so please. please. I am begging you. look at the full sized image and zoom in. This art piece made my friends worried for my mental health I need someone to witness the amount of detail and effort I put into this
also the original sketch under the cut bc I think comparing them is really funny
#my art#ultrakill#stained glass art#gabriel ultrakill#this is one of those art pieces that made me feel like i had a parasitic fungus controlling my brain#one of those art pieces that's gonna require recovery time. i feel like a demon was just expelled from my body#i need to go eat an apple or stand in a river for a little while#i already said it but please. please zoom in on the full sized version#i love this game so much#i just hope i don't hate this by the time its finished lmao#im probably gonna have to adjust the color balance a bit when fraud/treachery come out but i'll cross that bridge when i get to it
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the headcanon of regulus just being able to cry on command is horrifying but also the funniest thing i’ve ever fucking heard. like i imagine regulus is hanging out with the marauders, post black brothers reconciliation, and him and sirius are bickering and sirius JOKINGLY goes “well it’s not MY fault it’s impossible for you to show any emotion” and regulus blinks. and then just fully starts sobbing.
and james and remus and peter are all like ?!?!?! what the FUCK . RIGHTFULLY SO. and james’ heart is hurting so bad because he’s never seen regulus cry before and he’s trying to comfort him and hold him and regulus, (who is gay and a little shit) is just letting himself be hugged and letting james pet his hair or whatever and remus is like. sirius what the fuck apologize to your brother??????? because sirius has been sitting there the entire time unmoving and he just raises his eyebrows, completely unimpressed and deadpan when he goes, “you guys do know he’s faking right”. and then when remus and james both are like HUH??? torn between bewildered and angry with this reaction, regulus just extracts himself from james, face completely neutral but with tears drying on his cheeks, no sign of the heaving, hyperventilating sobs he’d fallen into literally a second ago and says “i win”. it terrifies peter so bad that he can’t look him in the eyes for a week
#james thinks it’s REALLY hot and then gets so guilty about it because he’s like imagine what he had to go through to be able to do that#and i’m TAKING ADVANTAGE OF IT!!! </33#when regulus was just partially born like that#this is the instance that starts the moonwater bestieisms btw and sirius HATES it#jegulus#i’m sure somebody has made this exact post before but idgaf#sirius black#marauders#peter pettigrew#regulus black#black brothers#remus lupin#wolfstar#long post#regulus hearing that he doesn’t express his emotions and his live reaction being to immediately start crying on cue to prove a point is#the most accurate i’ve ever depicted him i think
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My ugliest trait is always going to be jealousy! I hate when I get jealous!!!
#I hate it#why do I get so jealous#i hate when i get like this#jealous is my ugliest trait#my ugliest trait
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oh no, i'm spiraling. i'm comparing myself again, and i want to die??
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