#i hate this country so fucking much i really do
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During the last elections in my country I'd gone to my friends online and did my best to explain it every time because I know, for a fact that none of them know what's going on, and they barely cared about it. During their election season however they were all talking about it and ranting about it and I was doing my very best to support them through all of it.
It's unfair. I fucking hate knowing so much about the US when they don't give a shit about other countries because of course America is the only country ever. One of my friends had explained it to me, and even though I know she wasn't trying to be mean about it, it came off as really condescending because she tacked this on at the end: "I'm sure you're aware... If not, now you know."
I know. I fucking know. I know more about your country, more than you'd ever care to know about mine. More than I should care to know because the US sucks a gazillion dicks and I don't want to give as much of a shit as I actually do only because I'm obligated to. Of course I give a damn about my US friends but on a deeper level I know *have* to give a shit because in the end it affects my country too
everyone in the world is either a democrat or a republican. everyone in the whole wide world is a democrat and a republican and america is the largest and most populous country in the world and america is easily the most culturally diverse country in the world because the middle class white people in my state (like a little country) are very different than the middle class white people over there (another little country, once more called a "state") and you could never understand how bad it is in america, the main country in the world. where are you from again? it's bad in america and america is bad but the way that america is run is the only way a country could possibly be run unfortunately. i don't like it but it's the only right way for a country to be run and you don't get it because the main victims of the main country are all here and you aren't. where are you from again? they never told me about that place. i don't think you get that real people live in america. probably because you're a republican. real people live in america and real people are hurt by america but what can you do? god said america has to be like this. god said this because god is real so god is american. you don't get it because you're over there and we're all here in america, the realest country in the world. where are you from again? how can you talk like this with what's happening in america? you're a democrat, right? where are you from again? my country is so large it stretches over yours and presses down hard. it's not my fault that they never told me about that place. my country covers the world. you don't understand how bad this will be for real people in the real world, the first world, the only world. they never told me—where in america are you from again?
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don’t settle for neoliberalism, phil.
#i think of this everyday#me every time that biden.#when wdapteo2 came out a screenshot of dan saying that was my lockscreen for like 6 months lmao#i hate this country so fucking much i really do#fuck biden free palestine#dan and phil#dnp#phan#yeet my deet#dan howell#daniel howell#amazingphil#phil lester#danisnotonfire#yeet my deenp#danandphilgames#what dan and phil text each other 2#hbdnell
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the yankees would rather die than ever stop embargoing cuba long beyond the point it is doing literally anything for them. it's all about causing as much imperialist misery as possible
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the bs going on in my life is so horrendously terrible im going to (remembers suicide jokes just serve to help make me more suicidal) kill the authoritarial figures that i once truly knew and loved and trusted that i can no longer offer my true love and trust to due to the harm that they have dealt to me and those that surround us, ultimately allowing those that have been affected by their prejudice and oppression to be free even at the cost of willingly trapping myself in a death timer.
#i couldnt remember how the original joke went word-for-word so heres a shitty paraphrasing of it#ultrakill#yeah this is about gabriel#mel/tav/fugo/marcy rambles#suicide tw#long tags#vent#its also (in a joking way) about how shit my life is atm#i might be physically seperated from my mother but she still demands i stay in contact with her and i just. i cant do that#i hate her. i really hate her.#and i feel like if im going to really get anywhere in life i need to drop out of college and get *Away* from her#because she's too much of a controlling force in my life and she refuses completely to relinquish any of that control#so that i might have any of my own independence#i feel like i need to do something drastic and sudden if i want to live the way ive been longing to for so long now.#which. in my case. id be moving in with one of my online friends across the country#taking as much as i can with me and heading over#ik that might sound bad but ive known them since i was literately 12 and they were like 15 when i met them and i dont trust anyone else#as much as i trust them#and they could wait for me but i Can Not Fucking Wait. i need to get out of here#im sick of waiting for year upon year to get out of this hellhole and get away from my parents#only for me to be unable to really do that.#i just need to break the connection in its entirety.#god. ugh. sisyphus and mirage and gabriel ultrakill please grant me the strength to do this.
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Tomorrow Is Election Day And I Am So Fucking Stressed
#marzi speaks#marzivents#hi folks. i haven’t been making much art lately. apologies! i want to be#unfortunately shit is Stressful in both my little world (i’m starting to get overwhelmed with my meds and refills and driving)#and on a broader more societal scale (if trump gets re-elected shit is going to go so fucking bad oh my god)#PLUS we’re in the It Gets Dark At 6PM Zone now#i think i’ve lowkey been catastrophizing a bit with all that’s been going on#i should probs look into those psych referrals my doctor gave me#she offered them bc the almost-dying earlier this year was Traumatic and i was showing signs of anxiety/depression#but i think they’ll just be helpful in general#god though i hate being on prescriptions. it feels like there’s a constant timer hanging over my head#refill these pills before this time so you don’t have to miss a day. woops! the pharmacy’s out of stock on this one#so you’ll have to come back at another less convenient time. fail to do so and the medication goes on hold#which requires a phone call where you speak to a Robot that may not understand the nuances of ur situation#grrrgh it sucks so bad. thankfully i refilled my prednisone the other day and have like 3 months’ worth now#and that’s the one i really can’t afford to miss bc steroid withdrawals could really fuck me up#but uggghhh i hate it. so much. bc it looms over me always#i hate keeping track of when i’ve taken my pills too. i keep a checklist for every day#so i remember what i have to take and if i’ve taken it#but god it sucks. i’m at the point where it’s basically routine now so i do it automatically#but i know if i stop monitoring i’m gonna forget if i’ve taken my steroid one day#and either double dose or skip the day. and that’ll fuck me up pretty good#anyways. hoping hoping hoping this election goes well bc idk if i can take it if our country tis of thee elects the fucking fascist#this one’s fine to rb. i think many of us share this sentiment lmao
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I'm not an extrovert. At all. In everyday life, I'm a yapper, sure, but I need someone to first assure me I am okay to yap, so I don't start conversations, even when I really want to join in sometimes! It's just the social anxiety acting up. God knows where from and why I lose a lot of my inhibitions when it comes to talking to people about music. I don't know where the confidence has suddenly sprung from. I've made a crazy amount of friends in musical circles, either just talking to people about common music or (since it is after all in music circles) talking to bands about their own music. I let out a sigh of relief any time an interaction goes well, because in truth it's going against my every instinct. I wish I could do that in everyday life
#like that's the point where we need to remind everyone around me that as much as I say#radio is 'a job'-- it's not 'my job' lol. I wish I was this interested in data science#but like. Honestly?? I'm not even a data scientist!? I answered a few questions about classical AI having come from a computer science back#background and now people are saying to me 'I know you're a data scientist and not a programmer' sir I am a computer scientist#what are you on about#and like I guess I get to google things and they're paying me so I'm not complaining but like I am not a data scientist#my biggest data scientist moment was when I asked 'do things in data science ever make sense???' and a bunch of data scientists went#'no :) Welcome to the club' ???????#why did I do a whole ass computer science degree then. Does anyone at all even want that anymore. Has everything in the realm of#computer science just been Solved. What of all the problems I learned and researched about. Which were cool. Are they just dead#Ugh the worst thing the AI hype has done rn is it has genuinely required everyone to pretend they're a data scientist#even MORE than before. I hate this#anyway; I wish I didn't hate it and I was curious and talked to many people in the field#like it's tragicomedy when every person I meet in music is like 'you've got to pursue this man you're a great interviewer blah blah blah'#and like I appreciate that this is coming from people who themselves have/are taking a chance on life#but. I kinda feel like my career does not exist anymore realistically so unless 1) commercial radio gets less shitty FAST#2) media companies that are laying off 50% of their staff miraculously stop or 3) Tom Power is suddenly feeling generous and wants#a completely unknown idiot to step into the biggest fucking culture show in the country (that I am in no way qualified for)#yeah there's very very little else. There's nothing else lol#Our country does not hype. They don't really care for who you are. f you make a decent connection with them musically they will come to you#Canada does not make heroes out of its talent. They will not be putting money into any of that. Greenlight in your dreams.#this is something I've been told (and seen) multiple times. We'll see it next week-- there are Olympic medallists returning to uni next wee#no one cares: the phrase is 'America makes celebrities out of their sportspeople'; we do not. Replace sportspeople with any public professi#Canada does not care for press about their musicians. The only reason NME sold here was because Anglophilia not because of music journalism#anyway; personal
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weed vs coke
#hi stefan! he doesn't do coke#he just drinks and takes his anti-depressants together#i am very much feeling his spikey hair like yeah that fits him being a touch unhinged yuka fell in love with that version of him#this is nick dad they alike#he's my fav#he kinda looks like robert if you stare at him long enough....from fallout 4 my favorite video game husband#his voice is deep as hell and he's polish#hates his father for a good reason is the favorite child oldest of five#has two kids because he counts kina as his daughter#the fun uncle#to his neices and nephews he'll give you a beer if you ask#on a serious note he's a very decent dad he wished he could've been a better dad but he's got a lot of stuff going on mentally so he was a#little checked out alot of the time but it got better.#he and kina relationship is my favorite because he really took in two kids at his lowest point in his life from his ex girlfriend who#lived halfway across the country and kinda fucked him over and up and never really got to connect to his kid much until nick was damn near#and he got a random baby girl to look after and he thrived with her honestly kina be like i got two dads#hes a sweet person just been through the wringer a lot#ts4#simblr#sims 4#my sims#stefan piotrowski
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i’m speechless
#WELL. I MADE IT TO THE SCENE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.#tomgreg#succession#i actually am speechless like i had to keep pausing and taking breaths.#WHO SAYS THIS. WHO. UNLESS ITS A LOVE CONFESSION??? IT FEELS LIKE A LOVE CONFESSION.#A SORT OF LAST HURRAH BEFORE HIS LIFE IS OVER???? TOM????????????????? LOOK AT ME#LOOK AT ME. THIS IS??? LIKE. MY LIFE IS OVER SO I MIGHT AS WELL CONFESS I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR GIANT ASS???? SPEAK UP#screaming crying shitting pissing throwing up shovelling sand into my mouth in the hopes i suffocate on it#and the fighting after. is it. is he. is this how he thinks love has to be??? like. he's used to fighting with shiv so now#he thinks that if he's in love they have to fight?? i have too much to say and talk about i really. ugh.#and when greg says he doesn't want to tom gets upset#like it's a rejection#i honestly hate this so much#COUNTRY BOYYYYYYY I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUEEEGUhgnrgv#AND THEN I DONT WANNA EITHER IT WAS A JOKE!!!!!!!!! yeah. uhuh okay.#ik the nero sporus stuff is wack BUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER HELLO?????? HELLO.#but ''i'd castrate you and marry you in a heartbeat'' then do it pussy#sorry ik this is a novel in the tags but holy fuck. i gotta sit down seeya
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me (diagnosed with ADHD): *talks about little funny/annoying things my brain does (because of the ADHD)* my mom (not diagnosed with anything): wow that's so funny, the exact same thing happens to me too! i've never heard anyone else describe that. so random that you get that too. genetics, huh? :))
#sure mom. funny. funny coincidence.#this happens every time i see her#it happened like 6 times today alone#meanwhile my dad and my sister are staring at us like 'your brains do WHAT now???'#she doesn't really know much about adhd#i only got diagnosed a few years ago and she wasn't part of that process at all because she was living in another country back then#and like. i've gently mentioned to her before that genetics seem to play a big role in adhd too#and that actually many people get a late diagnosis when their child gets diagnosed#and it's fine. i won't pressure her to look into it more because she's doing well!#i don't think she needs meds or therapy or whatever at this point#but i just feel like it might help with how she sees herself? because it's so deeply engrained into her that she is Not Smart???#because she flunked out of school as a teenager???#due to bad grades#and like. oh i wish i could talk to that girl#things turned out well for her and she's generally a happy person#but still. i know part of her think she's stupid. and i fucking hate that#anyway i mainly just think this is really funny when it happens#adhd#nd
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thinking really hard about logging into my old tumblr acc after being gone for like a year and a half cause i stumbled upon a post that led me to my old mutuals and i teared up a lil </3 but also i feel so ashamed i left without saying a word to anyone aaaa
#like i genuinely feel so bad for simply disappearing from people's lives :c#i used to talk to some of them daily and like even had plans to see one of them on holiday to another country?? like that level of close#and then well my mental health went to shit i took a semester off uni and disappeared from my irl friends' lives too for a good 6 months#some of my mutuals had my ig and we followed each other but i also haven't really been there much since dissappearing last year so#but i just snooped into some of their accounts and seeeing what they're up to made me want to talk to them sooo bad#everyone was so cool and kind and i miss them so much it's just i feel so guilty and also don't even know if i'm able to mantain constant#contact and conversations with people now. like it's been even hard for me to stay in touch with my irl friends aaa#why must my brain hate me so much and not let me socialize !! i used to be such an extroverted person what the fuck happened!!#i know some of them messaged me worried and i felt so guilty for not responding but i saw those dms when i was very much deppressed#so i never answered and now i feel like it's too late GOD!!#anyways at least it was nice snooping and seeing how they're doing i genuinely wish them only good things they're fucking great#maybe i just need to suck it up and just go back and talk to people again but i get so overwhelmed just thinking about it!!#okay it's like 4 am i'm posting this and maybe deleting it in the morning sorry for the rant i just am feeling a lot !!
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ngl i think i kind of was a genius for being like 'yeah this character is a scary killyou cannibal scary killer who scary kills you' and then realizing that the way my worldbuilding works out is that there's a nonzero chance that if you leave literally any body parts over they can just come back, depending on what they believe in their heart of hearts can kill them. Of course she'd start eating her kills. She probably tried normal stuff first and then realized it didn't work and she had to try harder if she wanted to actually keep them dead.
#red rambles#im working on a character who i made up years and years ago and wasnt even happy with then because he didnt seem to have enough like#interior thoughts he was just like a guy who killed people when he was stressed and his life was constantly stressful and then he killed on#person too many and they were like 'this is fucking untenable and he has to die' and then they killed him#which is soooooooooo absolutely nothing honestly. Like it works as a barebones summary but i want to stress there was actually straight up#nothing else there. the entire rest of his whole whatnot was just being entangled with Haven who is a different character who at the time#ALSO felt unsatisfyingly lacking in interiority but at lesat he had really complex motivations and action flowcharts. that werent just 'i#get grumpy and i just go kill some random person with no regard for what the consequences will be and then i am so mean and i kill you'#now theres a lot more happening. i really didnt. like.#okay so i had a Backstory worked out but it was vague because i didnt know what the fuck he WANTEDDDDDDD right like. i had no motivations a#literally all except 'oohhh i kill people ooohhh i like killing people ooohhh im erratic i kill people' and the background i HAD was like.#Upper class scion of some rich family whose family honest to god just did not like him very much and also [gestures vaguely] i guess he#maybe kicked dogs or something and then he ??nebulous timeline meets haven and then kills his sister or kills his sister and very quickly#thereafter meets haven but i usually lean toward the former because haven LOVES convincing people to kill their whole families its like#cathartic for him because he would love to kill his entire family but physically cannot do it. but like kind of the implications of this#as far as i was concerned given this is set in the mid 1800s was like. ehhh he's getting away with this because he's rich white and male an#it pays to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions or w/e. a genderswap means that she'd be subject to a lot more scrutiny on basis of like#misogyny. LOL. and i already had the preexisting 'hates half sibling' (i genderswapped the sister into a brother because why not) and 'hate#parents' and 'parents strongly dislike her' and 'unsettling' and it worked nicely to start giving me actual fucking. Literally anything to#work with there. because it means that by going off with Haven she walks out of one situation where she has like 0 agency into another one#and like to be clear i respect anyone who is sitting around in haven's general vicinity for snapping and just starting to kill people. me t#but this works. SOOOOOOOOOO much better for real#im still working the kinks out but like also this means that she wins. she wins like multiple times actually. she comes closer to killing#haven than anyone since he learned what fucking species he was and causes him more trouble in the interest of getting the FUCK out of there#than anyone else has and then she fucking gets what she was going for against literally every effort haven could've made over ~five decades#get owned loser.#every time i draw her i cant help it i write some shit like PLEASE JUST GET DIVORCED on it even though i wrote the fucking narrative i know#it will never fucking happen and thats why she does all this shit instead#in another world she'd be like the wildly capable owner of Raytheon 2 or some other shit like that. like she'd never be a nice or good#person but she wouldn't be dead. god she could be in charge of a country or some shit. Alas. Please get divorced.
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*said with increasing distress, eyes blodshot and an empty mug in hand* you guys remember writing right????? you guys remember posting fic and publishing things and talking to editors about potential projects right???? you guys remember being creative in your creative jobs and not just rereading old work and having a panic attack over the time wasted over curating hyperspecific character playlists that you get mad about five minutes later right????? i'm not insane right????? creative block is normal even if it lasts for months right???? i haven't written a fic in YEARS but it's ok i'm ok i have to finish TWO original pieces for next week that I haven't even started but it'll probably be fineeeee I'm totally not being a complete and raving lunatic about it it's probably gonna be okay <3 yay <3
#AND I STILL HAVEN'T APPLIED FOR MY NEW SHOW IN THEATRES ?1!!!!???? AJAAGAGAHAHAHFGH#BABYGIRL I CAN BE DRY IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FOR PROJECTS THAT ARE ALREADY EVEN PLANNED OUT#the words just won't come out idk#ok so i attended one of the most prestigious universities in the country re: my field of expertise and carefully improved in my craft#just to go into a creative field and be an unemployed fuckhead who won't even write#i mean I am ALSO an academic that is very much true as well. but you don't really earn money from that either now do you#especially not in humanities#anyway. i need to go wash some dishes#it'll be fine probably i just need to lock tf in#it sucks being the one in the relationship that has no job no money no prospects and is already a burden to their parents#like literally they're being very nasty about it and like i know they care about me and stuff but they are very much. not supportive#it doesn't mean they're openly hating on it tbh i think they've given up on trying to disagree with my life choices and atp they just judge#when i'm not there. but evidently i find out anyway because of course i do#tbh won't complain about the lack of open support though like it's cool you disapprove of my relationship and my work and my life overall#ok rant over i'm big now. i'm an adult#ACTUALLY should i write a paper on disco elysium maybe that'd cheer me up. DON'T ask me how de is cheerful it isn't#my brain just works in mysterious ways#also gonna write an essay on my relationship with god. and get it published. probably gonna quote dostoievski a couple times as well. maybe#who give a fuck anymore man people these days can write ANYTHING. i love being alive in a world where printing is a thing. also computers#personal
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this is like. super embarrassing but yeah :/ i ripped my only pair of jeans today, which really sucks :( disability support has until nov 8 to decide over my case and until then i have 0 income except from the tiny bits i scrap by. uhm if anyone could like, spare a euro maybe? i'd be very grateful. i also have things listed in my shop, some are only 1 cent (or whatever you want to pay for it), i also have some stickers here, here and here. some prints here and here . shipping is as low as it can be <3 and i also offer discount codes (use RATASSES for 5% off!!) you can also commission me!!
i'd appreciate any help, even just in the form of sharing this post or reblogging/sharing my art!!
GOAL HAS BEEN REACHED!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!
#i *thankfully* have all groceries done for this week and don't have to worry about rent#but yeah :( clothing or any other items i need i just cant afford. i can just about cover my health insurance but even for that i have to#dip into my savings. i have my disability support case on september 7th. an entire month from now and THEN they have until nov 8 to reply#i also think they can even get an extension of 48 days after that? so they'd have until somewhere in january to reply and it's#im literally stuck. i cant get any other type of support because my boyfriend earns too much but we can barely scrape by in the month on hi#income and that's without my health insurance food and 0 savings#fuck this country istg. i want to move SO BADLY. because this country does nothing for me. NOTHING.#i have to wait an entire extra year to see if i can go to uni 😩 and im so stressed. first gray hair and im 21 <3 haha#anywy#im really sorry for having to do this :( i hate it sm#signal boost#sjonnies post#also if youve tipped me before please DONT tip me again!!!!!!! i dont want anyone to feel pressured or obligated please#only spare me some money if you are 100% sure you can miss it!!!!! not even 100% but 10000% sure!!!!!!!
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Clearly not handling having to give up my dogs as well as I thought I was
#can't even properly cry about it bc im sharing a room with my sister#as awful as i feel about the whole thing...i feel the worst when i think about K#she was literally like my baby ... got her when she was like...6 ..8 weeks old and i could hold her in one hand#and having her really helped me get through last year#anyways i feel like physical pain over this#and D my giant baby#he's so sweet and lovely but people are scared of him bc he looks aggressive#i hate this so much and it's constantly what could i have done to prevent this how could i have done better??#maybe if i were better at being christain#then maybe god would have done smth#not that that's ever worked before#and it's a pointless spiral i know because there is nothing i could have done and that hurts so much as well#it's so fucked up... literally all my future plans included K (bc my fam loved D more.. they weren't as fond of K) and now#even if i moved to a diff country i knew id have to do extra paperwork and all that so i could take her with#and now...there's just nothing...a massive fucking void#anyways back to distracting myself so i dont think about this#asra talks
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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i really don't think it's possible to have productive conversations about mental health without addressing how truly unlivable a lot of places in this world are becoming
like sometimes people have mental illness that can be helped with therapy and medication, but sometimes they're just having a natural reaction to the Horror of it all and the only true remedy is for life to suck less
#sorry bummer post#it just feels kind of empty watching influences talk about how important mental health is to them#and citing like....... the crisis text line lmao#all CTL has done is leave me waiting for hours and misgender me#i know i also have a different perspective than some bc my living situation is a fucking nightmare#so it is really hard to even have a moment of peace#but unfortunately i'd rather be here than barely surviving out on my own#also i live in america so there's that#i'm sure there are other countries where the govt doesn't hate its citizens and actually wants them to thrive#and i know there are countries that have it much worse than we do right now#but i think people here acting like nothing's wrong is what really bothers me#like it's not 'bad enough' yet for most people to acknowledge it#so people just talk about 'the mental health crisis' and blame like. smartphones#ness talks
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