#i hate that i have to act like this for her to understand just how much it's pissing me off to hear stupid reminders about my hair

[dewwshi]

princess of mithral hall

[lifeisbutadream444]

Playing Games - Part 2

Aaron Pierre x Reader

Summary: After finally committing to a monogamous relationship, distance, fame, and the ever-watchful public eye put cracks in the foundation of what was once unshakable trust.

Warnings: toxic af, smut, angst

Aaron is in New York. You are in L.A. And for the first time since taking the leap into a monogamous relationship, you’re waking up alone.

You tell yourself it’s fine. That this is normal. That this is what happens when you date someone just as deep in the industry as you are. There will be press tours, there will be events, there will be distance. You both knew that. You both prepared for it.

But that doesn’t make it any easier.

Especially when your phone screen is flooded with images of him with her.

The first time you see it, you’re on set, tucked into your trailer between scenes. It’s innocent enough at first—a random post on Twitter with a grainy shot from a gala, Aaron seated next to her. You scroll down, trying not to care, but then the clearer pictures appear.

She’s whispering in his ear. He’s laughing. Their heads are close together, her hand resting lightly on his arm. Then, worse—posed photos. Beautiful, perfectly lit shots of them standing together, her hand resting lightly on his chest, his arm grazing her back. And then the Instagram post:

A night well spent with the one and only @AaronPierreOfficial. More to come.

More to come!?

Your stomach twists as you stare at the post, your thumb hovering over the screen. Your first instinct is to check his account—to see if he’s posted her too, to see if there’s anything, any indication that this is just PR, just networking, just a fucking coincidence.

Instead, you see something worse.

They’re following each other now.

You lock your phone and throw it across the trailer like if it burned you.

——————

For the next few days, you do everything in your power to ignore it. You tell yourself not to be that girl, the insecure one who starts a fight over social media when you know—deep down—you have nothing to worry about. Aaron has been nothing but perfect during his time in New York. Loyal. Devoted. He calls you when he can, always with a tired but eager voice, always telling you how much he misses you. He’s never out longer than he needs to be, only focused on work.

But he doesn’t mention her.

And then, a few nights later, it happens again.

Another event. Another flood of pictures. Another Instagram post—this time a carousel of professionally shot photos of them at a fashion show, laughing, posing, her head tilted toward him in a way that makes your blood boil.

This time, you don’t ignore it.

You see the post as you’re lying in bed, your script abandoned on your nightstand. The moment your eyes land on the images, your entire body stiffens.

Your phone is in your hands before you can talk yourself out of it, fingers already dialing before your pride can stop you.

Aaron picks up on the third ring, his voice warm but tired. “Hey, sweetheart.”

There’s a pause. A deep inhale.

Then—flatly, coldly—“So you and that bitch are a thing now? Thanks for letting me know.”

Aaron sighs. Actually sighs. Like this conversation was inconvenient.

“Oh, come on, babe, not you too.”

The sheer casualness of his voice makes your irritation flare. “Not me too? Are you fucking serious? I’ve been sitting here trying to be the perfect, understanding girlfriend while the internet is convinced you’re already replacing me!”

“You know that’s not true.”

“Do I?” Your voice wavers, and you hate it. “Do you have any idea what that’s like, Aaron? Watching someone else with their hands all over you while I have to sit here in silence, pretending it doesn’t bother me?”

Aaron exhales sharply. “You’re acting like I have control over this.”

“You do! You don’t have to pose with her, you don’t have to entertain whatever the fuck she’s trying to do. And you sure as hell don’t have to follow her on Instagram to give her even more validation. Why are you trying to stay in touch with her?”

There’s a pause. Then, voice lower—“I followed her back because I didn’t want to make things awkward at the event. That’s all.”

You laugh bitterly. “Oh, well, as long as she’s comfortable, who gives a fuck about me, right?”

Aaron groans. “Come on, don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what, Aaron? Have feelings? Be pissed that my boyfriend is being treated like some eligible bachelor while I have to sit here and keep my mouth shut?”

Aaron exhales sharply, the frustration clear in his voice. “I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.”

You let out a bitter laugh, gripping your phone tighter. “Oh, you can’t believe it? Try sitting on my end, watching the whole world act like you’re single while I have to pretend none of it matters.”

“Pretending I’m single? You know that’s not true.”

“Then why does it look like it?” The words come out sharper than you intended, but you don’t care. “Do you have any idea how humiliating this is for me? Seeing you all over the internet with her—”

“Oh my God, we were just talking.” His voice rises, defensive, impatient. “Do you seriously think I’m fucking other women when I spend every minute of my free time with you?”

You hesitate, your chest tightening. “No.” Your voice is quieter now, but the anger hasn’t left. “But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, Aaron. That doesn’t mean it’s not messing with my head.”

He lets out a humorless chuckle, and something about it makes your stomach drop. “You know, for someone who’s always saying she trusts me, you’re really fucking bad at showing it.”

Your pulse spikes, and before you can think, you snap, “And for someone who claims to love me, you’re really bad at acting like it.”

Silence. Thick, heavy, suffocating.

You can hear his breathing through the phone, hear the way he’s trying to rein himself in. But you don’t take it back.

Finally, his voice comes, low and tight. “I don’t have time for this.”

Your heart clenches, but you force yourself to match his tone. “Yeah, but you probably have time to fuck other bitches.”

And then, just like that before you can finish your sentence, he hangs up.

You stare at your phone, your pulse ringing in your ears, your chest aching in a way you haven’t felt in a long time.

For the first time since choosing him, you wonder if you made a mistake as you cry yourself to sleep.

———

You should stop looking. You know you should.

But the moment you wake up, the ache in your chest still fresh, you reach for your phone out of habit. And there it is. Everywhere.

A new interview with her.

The headline alone makes your stomach twist:

“Pop Star Dodges Question About Rumored Romance with Aaron Pierre – ‘We’ll See’”

Your heart pounds as you press play, the video loading instantly. She’s sitting on a talk show couch, all smiles, dressed in something sleek and effortless. The host leans in, grinning.

“So, I have to ask—you and Aaron Pierre. The internet is obsessed. Is there anything going on there?”

She laughs, tilting her head. “Aaron is such a gentleman.”

Your stomach churns.

The host pushes. “So, is he your man or what?”

She smirks. “I mean… we’ll see.”

Your blood runs cold.

We’ll see?!

Not a denial. Not a correction. Not even a casual “Oh, we’re just friends.” Just enough mystery to keep the speculation going, to keep the headlines spinning.

You lock your phone, your hands shaking.

But it’s not over. Because not even an hour later, another clip starts circulating.

This time, it’s Aaron.

A red carpet interview, all flashing lights and polished charm. The reporter brings her up, because of course they do.

“So, you and Sophia Saturn, is there any possibility for a romance”

Aaron huffs a small laugh, shaking his head. “Ah, man.”

Your chest tightens as the reporter pushes, eyes gleaming. “Come on, give us something. The people want to know.”

Aaron shifts, rubbing the back of his neck. “Look, we’re not together,”

Your shoulders sag slightly. Okay. That’s… good. That’s—

Then he shrugs, smiling a little. “But she’s cool, man. I’ve got a lot of respect for her.”

That’s it. That’s all he says.

Not a strong denial. Not a “No, I have a girlfriend.” Just vague enough to let the rumors keep going.

The interviewer grins. “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”

Aaron laughs. And you feel like you might actually throw up.

———

You don’t hear from him that night.

Or the next day.

You don’t text. You don’t call. You refuse to be the one to reach out first.

But the silence kills you.

You cry yourself to sleep again, torn between heartbreak and fury. Between wanting to believe in him and wondering if you’ve been an idiot this entire time. You feel like one.

———

The following night, you wake up to the sound of knocking.

At first, you think you’re dreaming, the dull thud thud thud blending with the haze of your half-conscious mind. But then it comes again, louder, more insistent.

Your heart lurches.

You stumble out of bed, barely processing, your body moving on instinct. You open the door—

And there he is.

Standing on your doorstep, hoodie pulled over his head, bags under his eyes, looking tired as fuck.

Your breath catches. “What are you—”

Then, voice low, hoarse, like he hasn’t slept, he murmurs, “I came back early.”

You scoff, crossing your arms over your chest. “Congratulations.”

Aaron sighs, running a hand down his face. “I needed to see you.”

You shake your head, your chest tightening. “Funny. You didn’t seem to need me when you were laughing about your maybe relationship with another woman on a red carpet.”

His brows furrow, jaw flexing. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Oh, really?” You let out a bitter laugh. “Because it looked like that.”

Aaron steps forward, voice more urgent now. “Baby—”

“Don’t call me that,” you bite out, your voice breaking slightly. “You don’t get to come here in the middle of the night and act like a few apologies will fix this.”

Aaron exhales harshly, raking a hand through his hair, frustration evident in the tension in his shoulders. “I fucked up, alright? I know that. But you’re blowing this out of proportion.”

Your head jerks back, something inside you snapping. “Out of proportion?” You let out a sharp, humorless laugh, rage searing through your veins. “You let the entire world think you were single, Aaron. You let her feed into it. You sat there laughing, smiling, making me look like a fucking idiot while you act thirsty as fuck over this bitch. And I’m blowing it out of proportion?”

Aaron clenches his jaw, shifting on his feet, but he doesn’t argue.

You take another step back, shaking your head. “You don’t even know how to be in a real relationship.”

His eyes darken, something unreadable flickering across his face. “That’s not fair.”

“Am I wrong?” Your voice wavers, but your anger doesn’t falter. “You’ve spent years doing whatever you wanted, being with whoever you wanted, never once worrying about how it affected someone else. That’s who you are, Aaron. You don’t think about anyone but yourself.”

His entire body tenses, his fingers curling into fists at his sides. “That’s not true.”

You scoff. “No? Then tell me—when did you think about me these past few days? Was it when you let some other woman act like she had a claim on you? Was it when you barely denied it? Or was it when you ignored me for two fucking days because you were too pissed to face what you did?”

Aaron’s nostrils flare, his frustration boiling over. “I didn’t ignore you because I didn’t care—I ignored you because I do! I knew if I called, we’d fight, and I’d say some stupid shit, and I—” He cuts himself off, exhaling harshly. “I knew I fucked up, okay? But I didn’t know how to fix it. And I needed time to think.”

You shake your head, a bitter laugh bubbling up. “Right. Because you needed time. And meanwhile, I got to sit here, spiraling, watching everyone talk about how you have a new girl, feeling fucking delusional for thinking I ever had you in the first place.”

Aaron flinches. His lips press into a thin line, his gaze flicking to the floor.

You step forward now, your fury rising like a tidal wave. “You don’t know how to consider someone else’s feelings before your own. I should’ve known better. I should’ve fucking known that I was just another woman you’d make feel special until it got inconvenient.”

His head snaps up, his eyes burning into yours. “That’s not what this is.”

“Then what is it?” Your voice cracks. “Because right now, it just feels like I’m another woman who thought she could change you.”

Aaron’s face hardens, his jaw ticking, but he doesn’t speak.

Tears sting your eyes, but you refuse to let them fall. Not in front of him. Not when he still can’t say what you need to hear.

You inhale shakily, taking another step back. “Just leave me alone, Aaron. You apparently don't have a problem with that.”

You reach for the door, pulling it open, your voice barely above a whisper. “Go home, please”

But he doesn’t move.

He stands there, staring at you, chest rising and falling unevenly, his jaw tight. His entire body radiates tension—like he’s forcing himself to stay still when every part of him is screaming to do the opposite.

“No,” he says, voice rough, unwavering.

You blink, anger flaring. “Aaron—”

“I’m not leaving.” His tone is low but firm, his blue-grey eyes dark with determination. “I’m not letting you push me away like this. Not after everything.”

Frustration bubbles in your chest, but there’s something else too—something warmer, deeper, something that makes your stomach clench. Because this is who he is. Stubborn, relentless, unwilling to let things break without fighting first. And even now, when you’re furious with him, when your heart is still aching, you can’t pretend that doesn’t mean something.

“Aaron,” you start again, voice shaking, “I told you, I don’t even want to see you right now.”

His gaze softens slightly, but the determination never wavers. “Then don’t look at me. Just listen.”

You exhale sharply, gripping the edge of the door, fingers digging into the wood. “I’ve been listening to you for days, Aaron. Listening to you not deny her hard enough, listening to you brush everything off like it’s not a big deal, listening to nothing from you when I needed to hear from you the most.”

His expression tightens, like every word is a punch to the gut. “I know I handled it wrong. I know I should’ve done more, said more, made it clearer—”

“Then why didn’t you?” The words burst out of you, raw and desperate. “Why didn’t you just say what you needed to say when it mattered?”

Aaron steps closer, closing the space between you, his presence overwhelming. “Because I’ve never done this before,” he admits, his voice quieter now, rough with something vulnerable. “I’ve never had to think about how my actions affect someone else. Never had to protect something real like this.” He exhales, eyes searching yours. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

Your breath hitches.

Aaron shakes his head, jaw clenching. “I don’t know how to be perfect in this, but I do know I love you. I know I can’t fucking breathe knowing you’re sitting here thinking I don’t care, thinking I’d risk losing you for a goddamn headline.” His fingers twitch at his sides, like he’s resisting the urge to reach for you. “And I know I’m not leaving until you believe me.”

Tears prick at your eyes, but you blink them away, your walls still up, still guarded.

“I came back early for a reason. I came straight here for a reason. Because if I wanted to take the easy way out, I would’ve. But I’m standing here because I don’t want easy. I want you.”

You swallow hard, your breath uneven. “I don’t know if that’s enough, Aaron.”

His jaw tightens, his hands balling into fists. “Then tell me what is enough. Tell me what I have to do, and I’ll fucking do it. I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care how long it takes. If you need me to shout it from the rooftops, I will. If you need me to cut off every single woman in my life, consider it done. Just tell me what you need.”

Your throat tightens, because this is what you wanted, isn’t it? For him to fight for you. To prove that this is different. That he’s different.

And God, you believe him.

But you’re still hurting.

You look away, exhaling shakily. “I think I just need some space.”

“Sweetheart,” he murmurs, stepping closer, his voice dropping to that low, rich tone that always turns your brain to static.

Your pulse stutters. “Aaron—”

“You want space?” His fingers graze your hip, just barely, the contact so light it makes you shiver. “Then why haven’t you stepped away?”

You should. You should push him off, make him suffer, make him work for the privilege of touching you.

But you don’t move.

Aaron smirks, like he knows, like he’s already won. He leans in, his breath warm against your skin, lips hovering just above your ear. "You missed me," he whispers, his voice so deep and smooth it nearly undoes you. His nose skims along your jaw, slow, teasing. "Just admit it, sweetheart. You missed me, so now you’re acting out."

Your breath hitches. "I—"

But then his hands are on you—gripping your waist, tugging you against him, stealing the breath from your lungs.

Whatever argument you were about to make dissolves into a shaky exhale.

Aaron hums, his lips brushing the shell of your ear. "That’s what I thought."

You want to fight him, want to hold onto the anger that still simmers inside you. But then his lips find your neck—slow, deliberate—his hands sliding down to grab your ass.

"I can make you forget all of this," he murmurs, voice thick with promise. Then, his grip tightens, his breath hot against your ear. "You can be as mad as you want, baby," he rasps, his voice low, rough with hunger. "You can hate me, curse me, swear you’re done—but we both know you’ll still end up right here."

His fingers dig into your hips, owning you. "Because no one makes you feel the way I do. No one ever will."

Your stomach clenches, heat pooling low in your body. “Aaron…”

“Shh,” he soothes, kissing his way down to your collarbone, his hands gripping your hips tighter, grounding you. “Let me make it up to you, baby.”

And then he lifts you effortlessly, his soft, thick lips crashing onto yours, stealing every last bit of resistance you thought you had.

You should make him earn you, make him wonder—just for once—if you’ll ever let him have you again.

But as he presses you against the door, his tongue sliding against yours, his body solid and hot against you—you don’t want to.

You’ve always been powerless against him. And he knows it.

He groans into the kiss, one hand tangling in your hair, the other gripping your thigh tightly as he holds you pinned against the door. He pours all his regret, all his love, into the heated caress of his lips and tongue against yours.

“Mmm, you taste even better than I remembered, he murmurs huskily as he breaks the kiss, trailing his lips along your jaw and down the column of your throat. “I missed you so fucking much, baby. Missed this. Missed you.”

He nips at your pulse point, soothing the sting with his tongue before suckling hard, intent on leaving his mark on your skin. His hips grind against yours, letting you feel the evidence of his arousal.

“Tell me you missed me too, sweetheart. Tell me you forgive me.”

You whimper and arch into his touch, your hands fist in his shirt, torn between pushing him away and pulling him closer. “I... I did miss you. So much.”

He captures your mouth in another searing kiss, “Fuck, baby, I needed to hear that. Needed to feel you.”

His hands roam your curves greedily, mapping out every dip and swell he's missed so desperately.

“I'm sorry, sweetheart. So fucking sorry for hurting you, for making you doubt me. You're the only one I want, the only one I need.”

He starts walking you backwards towards the bedroom, never breaking the kiss, his body hard and insistent against yours.

Breathless and dizzy with need, you let him guide you, stumbling into your bedroom.

He lays you down on the bed, covering your body with his own, pinning you with his weight. He gazes down at you with dark, hungry eyes, a wicked smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

He slowly puts his hand down your silk pajama shorts, your slick heat coating his fingers as he teases your sensitive bud, groaning approvingly. “Damn, baby. You're fucking dripping for me already.”

He circles your clit slowly, deliberately, reveling in the needy whimpers spilling from your lips. “Was my greedy girl imagining me touching someone else? Wondering if I’d touch her like I touch you, make her beg the way you beg?”

Aaron hums, pressing a slow, teasing kiss to your throat. "You know better, sweetheart. No one else ever comes close. Even when you try to push me away."

Aaron's fingers continue their maddeningly slow circles around your clit, stoking the fire building low in your belly. He chuckles darkly at your needy whimpers, clearly enjoying the effect he has on you.

"No, baby girl. You're the only one who gets to experience this," he purrs, punctuating his words with a particularly firm press against your sensitive bundle of nerves. 

"The only one who gets to scream my name in ecstasy." His other hand slides down to grip your hip, holding you in place as he sinks two long fingers knuckle-deep inside your dripping heat, pumping them steadily.

"Aaron!" you gasp, hips bucking involuntarily into his touch. He just smirks, knowing exactly what he's doing to you.

"That's it, sweetheart. Let me hear you." He purrs as he curls his fingers just right, hitting that special spot inside you that makes stars explode behind your eyelids.

"Please, I need…I need…" you babble incoherently, too far gone to form proper sentences. All you can focus on is the exquisite torture of your fingers and the overwhelming ache between your thighs.

Aaron groans at the desperate, needy sounds falling from your lips, his own arousal skyrocketing at the evidence of your desire. He loves reducing you to this state - pliant, wanton, completely at his mercy.

"What do you need, baby? Tell me," he coaxes, voice a low, seductive rasp. His fingers never cease their torturous movements,. He returns to circling and pressing and rubbing your clit until you're a writhing mess beneath him.

Aaron dips his head to capture one pebbled nipple in his mouth, sucking hard as he laves the sensitive bud with his tongue. His teeth graze the tender flesh, sending shockwaves of pleasure-pain straight to your core.

"I've got you, sweetheart. Gonna give you everything you need," he promises darkly, releasing your nipple with a wet pop.

"Please Aaron, I can't take it anymore. I need you inside me." You're practically sobbing with need, too far gone to care how desperate you sound. All you can think about is having him buried deep inside you, claiming you, owning you in the most primal way possible.

Aaron's eyes darken with primal hunger at your desperate pleas, a feral grin spreading across his face. He finally removes his clothes, settling between your trembling thighs.

"Such a perfect little slut." he groans, voice rough with barely restrained desire.

With a powerful thrust of his hips, Aaron sheathes himself fully inside you, stretching you deliciously around his thick length. He hilts inside you, grinding his pelvis against your sensitive clit.

"Ahhh, shit! So fucking tight," he grits out, fighting the urge to move.

You moan loudly, your walls clenching greedily around his thickness. "Yes, yes, please! Fuck me hard!" Lost in a haze of lust, you wrap your legs tightly around his waist, heels digging into the small of his back to urge him deeper.

Aaron sets a punishing pace, hips snapping against yours with bruising force as he pounds into your welcoming heat. The obscene slap of skin on skin fills the room, mingling with your wanton moans and his guttural grunts of pleasure.

"Yes, fuck! Take it, baby." he snarls, angling his hips to hit that special spot inside you with each deep thrust. Each powerful thrust sends shockwaves of pleasure radiating through your entire body.

"This pussy belongs to me, understand? No one else gets to have you like this." One large hand grips your hip hard enough to bruise, holding you in place as he rails you relentlessly. The other tangles in your hair, tugging your head back to expose the column of your throat. Aaron latches onto the sensitive skin, sucking a vivid hickey into the flesh - marking you as his.

"Yes, all yours! Only yours, always!" You babble deliriously, too consumed by sensation to filter your words. You can feel your release barreling towards you like a freight train, your inner walls starting to flutter and clench around his pistoning cock.

"Please Aaron, I'm so close! Don't stop!" You keen desperately, your hips meeting his thrust for thrust.

Aaron feels your walls starting to quiver and squeeze around his shaft, signaling your impending orgasm. He wraps his hand around your throat, applying just enough pressure to heighten your pleasure while still allowing you to breathe.

"That's it, baby. Come for me." he commands huskily, his hips never faltering in their relentless rhythm. 

He leans down to capture your lips in a searing kiss, swallowing your desperate cries as he drives into you with renewed vigor. The hand on your hip slides around to rub tight circles on your clit, pushing you closer to the edge.

"I've got you, sweetheart. Let go for me,." Aaron murmurs against your lips, his own release coiling tighter in his gut.

With a keening cry, your body convulses in ecstasy as the most intense orgasm of your life crashes over you. Your vision whites out momentarily, waves of pure bliss radiating from your core. Your walls clamp down on Aaron's cock like a vice, rippling and squeezing as you come undone.

"AAARON!!" you wail, not caring who hears your rapture. In this moment, nothing exists except the feeling of him moving inside you, prolonging your high. Tears of relief and overwhelming emotion leak from the corners of your eyes.

Aaron groans long and low as your velvet walls spasm around his cock, milking him expertly. The feeling of you coming apart beneath him, crying out his name so beautifully, proves to be his undoing.

"Shit, I'm gonna... Ahh, fuck!" His words dissolve into a guttural moan as his orgasm slams into him like a tidal wave.Aaron buries himself as deep as physically possible, grinding against your cervix as he empties himself inside you. Thick ropes of his hot seed paint your insides, marking you as his from the inside out.

He collapses on top of you, careful not to crush you with his weight. Panting heavily, he peppers your face with soft kisses - your forehead, your cheeks, the corners of your mouth. "God, I love you."

Aaron rolls to the side, pulling you with him so you're draped across his sweat-slicked chest. He cards his fingers through your hair soothingly as you both catch your breath, basking in the afterglow.

"That was... incredible," he murmurs, pressing a tender kiss to the top of your head. "You're amazing, you know that?" His hand traces idle patterns on your back, occasionally dipping lower to squeeze the curve of your ass possessively. Even in the aftermath, he seems reluctant to let you go.

You nuzzle into his chest, relishing the strong arms wrapped around you and the steady thrum of his heartbeat beneath your ear. A contented sigh escapes your lips as you savor the feeling of his skin against yours after being apart for so long.

"I love you too," you murmur softly, placing a feather-light kiss over his heart.

The air in the room is thick, warm, humming with the remnants of everything he just did to you—everything you let him do despite your best intentions to stay angry.

You groan softly, tilting your head against the pillow as his lips trail up to your neck, slow and teasing. “You’re annoying as fuck.”

Aaron chuckles, low and satisfied, his fingers tracing idle patterns against your bare skin. “Mmm, is that what we’re calling it now?”

You roll your eyes, still dazed, still trying to regain some semblance of composure after the way he wrecked you. “You think this fixes everything?”

He hums, his mouth grazing the shell of your ear. “No. But it definitely helped, didn’t it?”

You exhale sharply, biting your lip to keep from smiling. He knows it did. But you refuse to let him get away with everything so easily.

After a pause, you shift slightly beneath him, your fingers trailing up his spine as you murmur, “I’m starting to think you like making me jealous on purpose.”

Aaron chuckles, his thumb tracing a slow, lazy line along your hip. “I like reminding you that no matter how mad you get…” He leans in, lips grazing the shell of your ear. “You’re still mine.”

A sharp shudder runs through you, your body betraying you as you press into him without thinking.

Aaron hums, satisfied. “See?” His breath is warm against your skin, his fingers slipping beneath the hem of your shirt, fingertips brushing over your bare waist. “All that anger, all that fire—burning just for me.”

You hate how easily he unravels you, how he can read every little reaction like he wrote the script for you.

Your breath is unsteady, your nails digging into his chest. “You’re insufferable.”

Aaron grins. “And yet,” he whispers, lazily pressing a kiss to your jaw, “here you are.”

You should stop this. Make him beg for forgiveness. Make him pay for how easily he plays you.

But then his teeth scrape along your pulse point, his hands sliding up your ribs, his body pressing even closer—

And just like every time before—

You lose.

[drdemonprince]

Re: what do dominant people need to recover after a harder-kink session?

Biggest things that helped me were taking some time afterwards to sit together, talk with her about what she had or hadn't enjoyed, just some reassurance that she knew I respected her IRL and that I only was willing to manhandle her in various ways because it turned her on, that I wouldn't ever purposefully do anything that she wasn't ok with, and so on. Basically just trying to get back into that soft/loving/protective mode, rather than rough/aggressive/etc

TBH, it's been a long time since I've had kinky sex, or any sex so I don't know what might help the best at this life point.

Something that I'm a bit nervous about wrt aftercare is having her confirm that she enjoyed it and wanted whatever we did to happen, but me going on some kind of shame spiral of worrying that she's just doing a fawn response and saying that because she wants to reassure me.

My current solution for that is that I'm just pretty tight about what types of harder kinks I'm willing to do at all, even if the woman says she wants it and enjoys it. Even if I might sexually enjoy certain types of CNC, for example, I kinda don't feel mentally/emotionally comfortable acting that kind of scenario out. Ignoring "no's" or getting really physically threatening, even as a LARP, are just things where I don't know if I can explore them in a way that won't make me feel like a bad person.

-------------------------

Had an experience of this type that I had early in my sexual career and which went really badly, but idk if it's the kind of thing that you really talk about on here.

cliff notes: haphazardly established cnc, it was her idea, but I thought it'd be hot in the heat of the moment, she got really really into it and horny for it, I (man in the aggressor role) tapped out once it started feeling kinda real, I had a huge emotional crisis, we had a giant fight about it. It was not a fun weekend. We were too young and bad at communicating for that kind of thing, but also too horny and dumb to not try it. Rough combo.

Mostly just funny to try to explain to people that I was roleplaying the aggressor, and I was also the one of the two of us who had a panic attack.

--------------------

TBH, I had a lot of problems as a young guy with feeling guilt over how my sexual urges were bad or dirty in some way due to my libido being directed towards women.

I'd managed to internalize a really dysfunctional blend of messages about sexuality, growing up in a liberal family in a very conservative state. Like, when I was a teenager I felt guilty about things as benign as "liking doggy style", "enjoying receiving blowjobs", and "fantasizing about getting with two bi girls". The latter was a fantasy that I had like one time as a teen boy, and I felt so guilty about objectifying bi women that I was almost sick to my stomach. I was a weird teenager.

I did develop some kinks that are probably coping mechanisms or ways to avoid the guilt of being sexually forward, now that I think of it, as well as the anxiety of needing to make sure she's enjoying it.

While I am dominant-leaning I'm very much into being begged for stuff. The more I can trick her into begging for what she wants, and directing the encounter as the bottom, the better. Saves my attention and focus for doing a good job of getting us both off rather than having to decide what's gonna happen next.

Never understood the hate for submissive women who "top from the bottom", it's incredibly erotic to me.

omggg anon you sound like such a sweetie with such hot fuckin kinks that you also are so wound up about. understandably so of course. here are some of my thoughts.

"worrying that she's just doing a fawn response and saying that because she wants to reassure me"

I think you can get around this fear by being open-ended in the feedback that you request from subs. So, for instance, you can tell subs that one thing that you need as a form of aftercare and ongoing negotiation is for them to give you a reflection of their experience a day or some days afterward. This can happen in a conversation or via them keeping a journal or something similar. Ask them to describe what they liked, what they'd like to see go differently, what they want more of. This will get you a lot of feedback that is reassuring without you specifically having to ask for reassurance and feel like you're manipulating the conversation in some way.

I think once you have established a really good rapport with a sub and can communicate with them effectively (and TRUST them to tell you when things aren't working for them), then you can say, straight up "I feel like an awful person sometimes after doing CNC/etc, can you check in the next day to tell me you're doing okay and that I'm not evil?" Or whatever else you might need.

I get you very much about the gender political baggage that comes with wanting to be a Dominant man with woman partners... from the opposite side of things. One barrier to fully enjoying my kinks pre-transition was that I considered it totally socially unacceptable to be a "weak woman." I wasn't even especially feminist, it was more about not being taken advantage of and being worthless. I came from a cultural mileu in which women were expected to be strong and capable and practical, and in academia, women were similarly pretty no-frills and had to appear confident. I felt like being too passive would be unattractive or make me less human, almost. One way to get around this was transitioning. It was really a hell of a hack for this. I don't feel bad about being a passive hole getting used anymore, and I don't have to worry much about the motives behind my partner's Dominance... they're not seeing me as a gender stereotype of a woman anymore and so i'm freed of all that. For cishet couples, I think affirming one's shared feminist values etc is helpful for everyone involved, and clarifying that these roles are not inherent they are chosen.

My current dog handler/mommy interestingly needs a partner to beg for their cum before they can bust a nut inside someone. I don't know if it is for similar feminist/consent hesitation reasons because they're pretty good at letting loose on me otherwise, but they've articulated to me that it's a thing that they need. This was initially a challenge because we do pup play and I become really obedient and nonverbal. But we have found ways for me to signal to them that I want what they are doing and that i want more of it.

So for example, a few nights ago after they were really whaling on me for a couple hours, they stopped and said I'd been a really good puppy and they were going to give me a break. But I didn't want a break. I wanted them to cum in me. So when they rolled me onto my side, still inside me, I started wriggling against their dick and licking their hands and whimpering for more, which made them get really hard again and then they fucked the shit out of me for another 15-20 minutes before spraying a load way up in me. It was incredibly hot and tender.

Wanting your subs to beg for treatment from you is a great way of working with your anxieties and making an ongoing consent affirmation into a hot activity and another act of submission on their part. It's a great move. There's a few other things you can do as well when that fails. For example, when my Dom/mommy thinks that I might be getting too headspacey and zoned out of being fucked they will ask me to fuck them -- they'll stop moving and i have to hump at their dick and take it in as deep as I can get it myself. That shows that I'm still alert, motivated, and interested as hell in whats happening. just a really fun hot way to check in and get reassurance without breaking scene. I'm sure there's so many other options.

I hope you get to have fun out there with the kinky bisexual topping from the bottom women of your dreams!

[weneeya]

worried m.list | rules

pairing. jason todd x reader

note. omg i love jason sm of course i'd do that ; worried jason is adorable, my boy is doing his best <3

You were supposed to be here. He left you alone in your apartment before he left for his night patrol. So why weren’t you here anymore? Where were you? Jason thought he was about to go crazy. He was searching everywhere, calling your phone, but you weren’t answering at all.

Yes, he came back earlier than usual, but it was a reason to disappear, was it? What if something bad had happened while he was gone? Jason was making the worst scenarios in his head. Until he heard the sound of the door opening. He turned around and you arrived in the living room, a bit surprised. 

You didn’t have the time to say anything that Jason was standing in front of you, a visible frown across his eyebrows. “Where the hell were you?!” His voice was too loud, too angry ; you didn’t like that at all. You slowly raised an eyebrow at his tone, feeling the slight irritation growing inside of you. 

“My friend needed me, so I left to see her.” You explained but it didn’t calm Jason at all. “You know Gotham’s not safe at night. What if you got attacked, or worse?” He was clearly angry, but it simply made you angry too. You weren’t a child, you didn’t need him to act like he was your own father. 

“Quit yelling at me, would ya?” Your tone was harsh, and it caught him off guard. He wasn’t so used to any reaction like this from you, so he was taken aback. He was about to answer when you pointed at his chest, looking into his eyes. “I don’t need you to protect myself, Jason. I’m a grown adult!” And in those words, you left the living room to get locked up in the bathroom. You really needed a shower. 

Jason stayed alone in here, standing up and a bit lost about what just happened. Did he get too far? He knew you were strong enough to defend yourself ; he loved you for that. But he couldn’t help it ; he was always worried when he knew you were alone in the streets at night. He meant what he said: Gotham wasn’t safe at all, and he knew what he was talking about. 

He saw so many people get hurt without any reason, and he was just so scared to lose you. Anger was his only way to express those feelings, but making you mad was the last thing he ever wanted. So he sat on the couch and waited for you to get out of the bathroom. It took you long minutes, and he was almost falling asleep. Or at least, he would have if he wasn’t thinking so much about what he wanted to tell you. 

When you joined the living room again, your gaze met his figure and you rolled your eyes. You sat next to him in silence, hating this stupid sad look on his face. You hated to see it, but he needed to understand what was wrong. Jason took your hand softly in his. “Look at me, please… I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to react like this.” You turned around, meeting his eyes ; and he knew he wasn’t lying. There was too much sincerity in it for that ; you knew him by heart. 

You stayed silent, waiting for him to keep going for a moment. He breathed out softly, leaving a gentle kiss against your knuckles. “I was just… worried. I’m always so scared when you’re alone out there. I know you’re strong ; but those guys can be crazy.” And how could you blame him? You knew Jason got through hell because of one of them. You finally completely turned to face him, grabbing both his hands between yours. 

“I’m not angry because you’re worried. I am because you yelled at me like I was completely dumb and not careful.” He slowly nodded at your words, understanding that he didn’t react the way he should have. Your hand gently moved to his cheek so you could stroke it with your thumb so slightly. Jason leaned onto your touch, eyes now closed at the feeling. 

You felt like home for him, and he’d rather die than having to lose this feeling once more. He left a soft kiss against the palm of your hand, making you smile lightly. “I’d be careful with my reactions,” he told you, looking back at your eyes. You leaned forward a little, leaving a small peck against his lips. “And I won’t leave without telling you where I am.” 

A silent agreement, so things could work. Jason was making so many efforts for you, all the time ; the less you could do was to do some efforts too. Moreover, Jason was clearly worth it. The boy needed a comfort and safe place to calm his home ; and you were ready to be this for him.

thank you for reading!

[altocat]

I was asleep when all the Lucretia stuff was going down but I still wanna throw in my two cents, and it's this:

I think a lot of the hate towards her is people forgetting that she does not have the information that we as an audience do Especially during the time she was pregnant. No one on the Jenova Project knew that Jenova was an alien Aside From Hojo. The discussion around her choosing to experiment on her child has to be predicated by the fact she thought Jenova was an Ancient and Hojo would have Never shared anything that contradicted this to her. By the time she started having those visions and her body started falling apart it was already far too late, and it's not like Lucretia understood Why any of that was happening.

By virtue of the us the audience knowing what Jenova is, that knowledge gets projected onto characters who don't have it and never did which muddies their actions and intentions. This is a phenomenon I've seen many times in different media contexts, it happens all the time. Gast and Gillian (very occasionally) get the same treatment at times but I rarely see the same visceral hatred directed at them (and when Gast gets some side eyeing it's, justifiably, for the other morally dubious shit he did and his narrative being a confusing mess for the past 30 years lmao).

But even bringing Gast back in for a moment when he learned Jenova was an alien it was long after the fact and seemed to send him into a mental spiral. We simply do not know how Lucretia would have reacted to this information, and it more than likely wouldn't have been good. She didn't even know that Sephiroth was going to be taken away from her; acting like she had full information is just wrong.

THISSSSSSSSSSS

Lucrecia isn't even a known sadist like Hojo or a callous bastard like Gast. She's literally just...some lady. Who evidently didn't have as much power within Shinra as she assumed. Hojo likely saw her as a prime opportunity to accomplish a goal. And since Gillian and Gen's mother had already served their purpose to the project, Lucrecia probably thought such actions were logical.

And honestly? Ignoring all that, ignoring her overall knowledge, culpability, etc. When is it EVER okay for someone to be emotionally abused by their husband? When is it okay for someone to have their baby being taken from them before ever even getting the chance to hold them? The person wasn't "asking" for this. They didn't bring this upon themself. No one wants to go through this shit. It's horrible. Losing a child is an unfathomable pain that I hope no one EVER HAS to go through.

Vincent himself, whether out of love or understanding or empathy, decided that telling Lucrecia the truth about what happened to Sephiroth would only prolong her suffering. His own actions, whether right or wrong in your eyes, cemented that there was no point in further bringing Lucrecia emotional damage. He chose to be merciful. He chose compassion because he KNEW that she was in enough pain already.

Why can't we?

[hidden-by-a-trench-coat]

Collecting my angsty thoughts about Tarquin from Lost In Your Eyes and his guilt about everything and putting them here because I NEED to talk about them

SUUUUPER long post after the read more just so you know (oh, and mentions of death, guilt, hallucinations, and angst and all that fun stuff - so keep that in mind before you continue)

Anyway, I love Lost In Your Eyes and have so many thoughts, so here they are transcribed from the discussion on the Discord (practically just me talking to myself but hey. Also, wow, hi, I realize if you're on the Discord you might have no idea who I am because this is the one social I have that's not the same username so I can hide from my IRL friends just in case - anyway, I'm Shadow. Continue forth with this knowledge my friends):

I wrote about it a bit in my fix-it fic, but I love considering how guilty Tarquin must feel about losing his entire crew. That’s 53 people he lost. People he cared about and knew by name - and I imagine him to have cared about every single one of them. Imagining how it would slowly break his spirits over time watching them pass one by one and not being able to do anything about it. And yet he has to ignore his emotions because he has the remaining crew members to care about and to keep alive - he can’t fail them, too (though he soon proves to himself that he very much can over and over and over again, no matter how hard he tries. He can’t understand why he can’t just keep them alive)

By the time there’s only 3 of them, he’s barely keeping himself together. The dread he feels as the number ticks down to 2 remaining isn’t comparable to anything in the world (Imagine him by that crew member's side, desperately trying to hold himself together and stop himself from crying as he silently begs for him to stay with them. Because they're so close to land. And after it doesn't work - because of course it doesn't - he sits there on the floor holding the hand of his second to last remaining crew member, which is already becoming colder by the second - and cries) - they’d been so close to getting even 3 of them to safety, and yet he couldn’t even do that.

And then the last one dies (and to make it worse, he dies right after an act of pure betrayal, taking down his beloved Amanda in the process, which could not have been easy for him to process. They'd been traveling together for 3 years, he probably trusted him the most, and then he does that? Without explanation? It must have hurt so bad) and it’s just him and he hates it. He doesn’t think he deserved to survive as opposed to everyone else. He could have taken someone’s place. He was the captain, he should have put his crew first.

He has nightmares for the rest of his life about every member of his crew at least once. He remembers all of their faces so vividly. They’re begging for help, for him to do something. To save them. And he never can. He's just forced to watch.

It doesn’t help that the same thing happened to Amanda. He finally gets to her and yet, she dies, too. He couldn’t save his crew and he couldn’t save Amanda - the one person in the world that he should be able to save, even if he couldn’t save everyone else. He feels like everyone he grows to care about will befall the terrible fate of death and there’s nothing he can do about it. He blames himself endlessly for her death, wondering if he could have saved her (and the rest of his crew) if he’d just done something differently. He regrets ever even leaving when he could have just stayed with Amanda and nothing would have gone this way

And I feel like he'd be terrified to make any future friendships or connections because he thinks that he's going to end up getting them killed in one way or another - and so he ends up isolating himself. Maybe he deliberately spends another 3 or more years at sea on his own. Maybe it's a way for him to feel like he's making up for their deaths or asking for forgiveness or whatever but it just makes him feel worse in the end

Oh and I imagine he hates sailing now, too but he does it anyway because he feels like he has to. Because if he stops he has to find something else to do and he doesn't know what else he could do (though he's starting to doubt he can even sail, either). Any joy he used to feel from having the wind in his face and the smell of the ocean is gone. Maybe the smell of salt makes him feel sick now

Thinking about Tarquin watching the waves for those 3 other years he goes back out on his own wondering why they haven't consumed him yet. Why they decide to spare him even after everything he's done and how he doesn't deserve their mercy. How he would almost rather the waves be harsh and unforgiving. Maybe the challenge would distract him. Maybe it would make it easier to pretend that surviving the tough storms would be like his crew was forgiving him, even a little bit

(I had a whole thing in my fic about how he feels like he doesn't deserve to sail anymore and that Amanda would be so much better at it because she managed to do his 3 year journey in so much less time. And on her own - and yet he could barely even get 3 people across the ocean alive even after his years of experience. I think if she did somehow survive and they needed to return, he would have stepped down from his position as captain and made her do all of the sailing of the ship feeling as though he wasn't worthy of the position and that she was just so much better at it)

Imagining Tarquin during his time alone at sea hallucinating members of his crew or Amanda - especially Amanda. How much it would hurt him to realize that they were fake. Maybe at some point he's so disoriented for one reason or another he mistakes the hallucination as real and breaks when he realizes it's not. The amount of hope he would feel - however futile or impossible - thinking that someone of his crew managed to survive despite everything. And then it disappears and suddenly he's so terribly alone again

Imagining him in front of the hallucination of Amanda begging for forgiveness. Maybe the hallucination accepts (Amanda would) but maybe it’s more Tarquin’s perception of how he thinks she’d react and so she doesn’t accept and he understands why she wouldn’t. Maybe he even thinks he deserves it. Maybe it even convinces him that Amanda hates him now. Whatever happens I think it would break his spirits even more

Meanwhile, Amanda watching from the afterlife with sadness watching Tarquin’s mental state decline over time and being unable to do anything about it

Actually, imagining her actually being on the boat with him as a ghost. She can’t do anything to support him physically, of course, but she’s trying her best to protect him, hoping that somehow he can sense her there - maybe that’s why his boat is so safe despite everything

Maybe Tarquin actually sees her ghost one time but he doesn’t believe it’s real - because it can’t be - but he talks to her anyways because that’s what he’s done every other time he’s seen her. And she tries so hard to be there for him, trying to comfort him. He can’t feel her touch, but he imagines it anyways. And for the briefest of moments it’s like she’s there again. For that brief moment - nothing more than a second - everything is okay again. And then it’s not. Because she’s not really there.

He can’t hear her desperate attempts to try and get him to just take care of himself

An in a different universe, imagining Tarquin eventually deciding to head home after the events of the play. He realizes he needs to tell all of the families of his crew about how their family members are dead. They probably knew the risks but he still feels terrible thinking about telling them (even if they don’t know his entire crew died). But he feels obligated to tell them, because that was their family member.

Thinking about him realizing he’ll need to tell Amanda’s mother that she’s dead. He knows he can’t wait to do that because that’s her mother. So one of the first things he does when he gets back is goes to Amanda’s house (what was Amanda’s house, he supposes) and knocks on the door. She is not excited to see him and probably asks about Amanda, but he asks to be let in so they can talk because he can’t do this outside and it feels more respectful if they’re both sitting. He’s not very good at hiding his grief - he almost certainly hasn’t been sleeping well - and so she lets him in.

And then he has to tell her. He probably has to force the words out because he doesn’t want to say them. Maybe he’s still in denial, but either way saying them aloud hurts him even more. Amanda’s mother is almost certainly angry at him (because of course she is. She always had this negative impression of him in the first place and this just proves all of her worries - how Amanda should have never been with Tarquin in the first place. Hell, maybe Tarquin even agrees with her now. Because if he hadn’t fallen in love with her, then maybe she would have still been alive. And even if they weren’t together, at least Amanda would have been happy and alive doing something different and with someone else), and he certainly doesn’t make himself sound much better, after all, he’s been blaming himself for her death this entire time. And so he sits there and just takes it as she yells at him, and he probably thinks he deserves it.

That was a lot, but I just have so many thoughts and I need to put them somewhere - thank you so much for reading my crazy collection of thoughts, I hope it didn't hurt too much

[justuraverageweirdo]

Yeah this wasn’t targeted at you, it’s more targeted towards people who demonize characters the very second they hurt Lunar. Like bro what did my pookies Gemini and Earth ever do except be angry 😭😭😭😭

I’m extra defensive of Gemini though because I heavily identify myself with Pollux as a character. She is quite literally me down to the point where it’s scary. Seeing her get hate for having a similar reaction to me when I went through a similar situation as she did genuinely drove me insane because are women just not allowed to get pissed anymore? So I guess I can understand why people defend Lunar so hard, especially when they identify heavily with Lunar as a character.

Only thing is you (using the word you as a general pronoun) have to also be able to acknowledge their flaws instead of just demonizing the other characters. Because I recognize that Gemini could’ve communicated to Lunar a LOT better about what they actually meant with the whole emotion thing. But again, they didn’t know how to properly communicate this to him because they don’t feel these kinds of emotions and just assumed Lunar understood. Just like Taurus, they lack the emotional intelligence to understand properly, because they were literally created by the forces of the universe to be callous so their emotions didn’t drive their powers. I genuinely think that’s the only thing they did wrong, other than act pissed and yell at Lunar. Which both times honestly was a valid reaction tbh 😭😭😭

I’m just rambling at this point lmfao. I will say tho that it’s been proven that star power still works in other dimensions because Lunar has actually used his powers there before.

Again this is all my opinion and I respect yours as much as I want to voice mine. If you guys attack this person I will actually scream

A rant on how some people in the fandom coddle lunar

look this really annoys me. Some people in the fandom just coddle lunar so damn much and it shows with this arc. Everyone is calling the celestial family abusive and neglectful for neglecting him to witch they have not. They kicked lunar out for attacking earth cause they want to him to forces on himself and his emotions are linked to his powers and could possibly run the risk of him attacking jack and dazzle two CHILDREN! Yes lunar won't and would never want to attack him but because of how emotional lunar is and how he refuses to say he needs help until he is forced shows the chance of him attacking jack and dazzle is not unlikely and speaking of him attacking earth I think some people need to realize that lunar COULD HAVE KILLED EARTH! Yes he didn't but he still basically could have or infected her with negative star power and made so it would like lunar. And it doesn't help that the fandom is always quick to shit on earth for being flawed for 5 minutes and people call her a bad person and yet every other character especially lunar get a free pass

moon mentally abused sun and killed kids - no one says anything

Monty scamed and commited multiple crimes and was an absolute dick until a bit before the eclipse and lunar take over - no one says anything

Solar was very neglectful to jack and basically left him alone with resulted in him getting bitted by razzle and went to go kill the creator without telling anyone and it having the potential to have him get killed again and everyone not wonder were he is. - no one says anything

Sun goes on a man hunt that leads to moon dieing - no one says anything (I'm sorry my beautiful beloved I love you for all your flaws)

Lunar kills someone and uses negative star power dispute the astrols telling him it's bad and nearly killing his sister and forever causing chronic pain - is defended religiously

Earth doesn't comfort lunar during when he is having a breakdown cause she is setting up boundaries - everyone calls her 100% bad

and I have heard this throughout the fandom and I just want to say this BEING OR HAVE AUTISM IS NOT AN EXCUSE. This is coming from someone who has it and have had me be shamed for some of my traits. Some people this lunar is autistic coded with is fine does it excuse any of the bad stuff he has done fuck no. Having autism or better yet ptsd doesn't mean you get a free pass. Imagine your in court and you just killed someone and you excuse is "but I'm autistic and have ptsd" like no your still gonna go to jail you still did a bad thing. Lunar bad actions are on him not his mental disorder ON HIM!

[bunnyboy-juice]

NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???

[wishesofeternity]

The thing about HotD is that it while it absolutely minimizes the agency and ambition of both Rhaenyra and Alicent, this is specifically used to glorify Rhaenyra and frame her as righteous while condemning Alicent and framing her lacking. That's the key difference in both their textual portrayals that has directly led to 90% of the fandom hailing Rhaenyra as the second coming of Christ while spewing the most hateful vitriol at Alicent just for existing. But y'all are not prepared for that conversation.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[iguessitsjustme]

*takes you by the hand as gently as I can*

You can dislike Maya without turning her into a one dimensional villain that serves no purpose to the story.

You can dislike Maya without disparaging the story and message the show is trying to convey.

You can hate Maya without moralizing your hatred. You can just hate her. It’s okay.

[xxplastic-cubexx]

just read the new mutants issue where Charles chose to stay behind in space and my god the juxtaposition between Charles trusting Erik and Erik joining the hellfire club and wondering at his own trust worthiness. I wonder how much of Charles decision was him ultimately trying to avoid the fact that his first class had seemingly betrayed mutant kind and not be willing to face them and how much of it was Dani and Illyana's reaction to him having Karma mind control Illyana. the fact that Illyana was depending on him to ease her mind through limbo and in choosing to stay he forced karma to do it instead, probably fucking up their relationship in the process.

I love him, this is crazy, how much of this is him trying to runaway and how much is this him not trusting himself to fix things and how much is it just him trusting Erik?

i keep trying to put into words my exact thoughts about the sitch but there really is a lot for one issue aintit... oh charles you and your brain...

[st4rstudent]

i feel somewhat responsible for this, even if i’m not the one saying these things. I’m genuinely so sorry.

No need to apologize! It's not one singular person doing it and truth be told I don't think it's a large majority that thinks that (albeit the ones that do are quite vocal). I didn't mean to upset anyone or anything when complaining about it, I was just letting off some steam.

Having a yap session under the cut sorry I feel like rambling under your ask anon.

Admittedly, I do think there are reasonings for people thinking this way. A lot of the focus with Clash has been on the cogs, especially after the 1.3 update. Which I can't say I blame them! Managers were something new and exciting and (from what I can tell) really separated them from the other servers. I don't blame them for wanting to put focus on that because that was their thing. Alongside other things, but majorly when you hear Clash the managers are mentioned in someway shape or form. But as we all know, toons ended up taking the short stick from this. This isn't helped by the gameplay itself, being mainly a fetch-quest deal so you often only talk to npcs once or twice unless if they're repeated ones and the taskline wasn't entirely accessible on the wiki for a while (shoutout to the wiki maintainers. The taskline script is a savior). Which I'm quite excited to see if they deal with this issue with the rewrite. I imagine they will, but anyways. Social media posts would often contain more managers than toons, which I also believe they're starting to fix. And ontop of this, I believe most of the team in the early era of the sever is gone, so there's been some stuff lost in the change. So yeah, dialogue/writing has been kind of rocky. AGAIN- I am completely aware of the rewrite going on and I am not judging them harshly based off of their current state. I'm very appreciative of the fact that they took the time to listen and are focusing on trying to fix it up. And then there's also fandom mischaracterization- especially of the cogs. Forgive me for mentioning mischaracterization because normally I wouldn't really care (I've mischaracterized characters before..especially in my younger years. I think it's just a process of learning an having fun and I hate to limit anyone because of it). With that being said, there's a lot of baby-fying and coddling of the managers. Especially with those who have more 'sympathetic' stories (Misty, Chip, Winston specifically). Don't get me wrong, I like these characters and I can appreciate the story they're trying to tell, but I feel like so many people will hear their dialogue and then misplace their anger. People get mad at Bessie for trying to protect HER lighthouse or at the Elders for trying to keep YOTT safe (lets not forget Winston was there to brainwash toons). Yes, yes technically there would've been better ways to do it but consider this: The toons are scared. Their homes, stores, lives are being taken over by a big corporation that has more resources that they do. They don't have the privilege of waiting, seeing, and gathering. And then people forget that the company has such a huge role in both toons and cogs lives. If you're mad over the mistreatment of Misty or the fact that Winston is still in the dungeon, your anger should be directed at the company who doesn't care. I may be completely wrong in saying this, but I feel like the stories with almost all of the managers is a reflection of the company. The toons are only trying to protect themself and their environments and yet this seems to go forgotten when people start bashing them. And of course, I'd consider myself a toon guy so me saying all this and complaining may come off as "I HATE the cogs and everyone who posts only about them!" and for clarification that's not true. You all know how much I like that little brain thing. The cogs are interesting, their designs are fun, I don't blame people for liking them because I do too. I just wish that the thought process behind so many of these discussions wasn't so cog focused because I believe that this anger at the toons for, RIGHTFULLY, defending themselves helps push this mischaracterization of them as a whole. That they're mean, boring, unlikeable while the opposite is true. Yes there are some, what I'd consider, "filler" dialogue from the shopkeepers. This is just because of the gameplay. But there are some funny and cute moments with them if people would just listen and read.

Which also brings me into another point: people skip the dialogue. I've caught myself doing this before (on my first account. I have 4 accounts total, so I reread the dialogue on like 3 of them). But people will complain about lack of toon personalities while doing this. It's like reading through a comic book, only looking at the drawings, and then complaining because there "isn't a storyline". Luckily, there's been efforts to keep track of the dialogue on the wiki but I doubt a lot of people are going through and reading the entire script. It just feels very disingenuous to criticize the dialogue when you haven't even read it. Likewise, people don't seem to read the blogposts either. This is both from a dialogue aspect and from an update aspect (people continuously asking about hammerspace/mix-and-match under unrelated posts).

[lynxfrost13]

Maybe I’ll finally Wanze post soon

[dootznbootz]

I honestly get a little annoyed that people will act like Penelope wouldn't be in the Fields of Punishment alongside Odysseus :P

Because she'd either go with him or literally be there because of her own things. I mean...She's not that nice either. They're literally "likeminded", all the war crimes he would tell her, she'd be thinking "Oh!!! Good thinking!!!" The only thing is, she just didn't GET to do those war crimes because she wasn't in the war. She would scold him for the stupid things he did acting like she's never done the same or wouldn't do the same.

Also as if she wouldn't also tell Polyphemus her name? Maybe not exactly, but she'd do something JUST as prideful/dumb eventually. BECAUSE THEY'RE SIMILAR. SAME MIND!!!

[nomidreams]

god i finally watched new episodes my honest reaction is jgiwoaoKzmxmkwkakkak