#sfth tarquin

[hidden-by-a-trench-coat]

Collecting my angsty thoughts about Tarquin from Lost In Your Eyes and his guilt about everything and putting them here because I NEED to talk about them

SUUUUPER long post after the read more just so you know (oh, and mentions of death, guilt, hallucinations, and angst and all that fun stuff - so keep that in mind before you continue)

Anyway, I love Lost In Your Eyes and have so many thoughts, so here they are transcribed from the discussion on the Discord (practically just me talking to myself but hey. Also, wow, hi, I realize if you're on the Discord you might have no idea who I am because this is the one social I have that's not the same username so I can hide from my IRL friends just in case - anyway, I'm Shadow. Continue forth with this knowledge my friends):

I wrote about it a bit in my fix-it fic, but I love considering how guilty Tarquin must feel about losing his entire crew. That’s 53 people he lost. People he cared about and knew by name - and I imagine him to have cared about every single one of them. Imagining how it would slowly break his spirits over time watching them pass one by one and not being able to do anything about it. And yet he has to ignore his emotions because he has the remaining crew members to care about and to keep alive - he can’t fail them, too (though he soon proves to himself that he very much can over and over and over again, no matter how hard he tries. He can’t understand why he can’t just keep them alive)

By the time there’s only 3 of them, he’s barely keeping himself together. The dread he feels as the number ticks down to 2 remaining isn’t comparable to anything in the world (Imagine him by that crew member's side, desperately trying to hold himself together and stop himself from crying as he silently begs for him to stay with them. Because they're so close to land. And after it doesn't work - because of course it doesn't - he sits there on the floor holding the hand of his second to last remaining crew member, which is already becoming colder by the second - and cries) - they’d been so close to getting even 3 of them to safety, and yet he couldn’t even do that.

And then the last one dies (and to make it worse, he dies right after an act of pure betrayal, taking down his beloved Amanda in the process, which could not have been easy for him to process. They'd been traveling together for 3 years, he probably trusted him the most, and then he does that? Without explanation? It must have hurt so bad) and it’s just him and he hates it. He doesn’t think he deserved to survive as opposed to everyone else. He could have taken someone’s place. He was the captain, he should have put his crew first.

He has nightmares for the rest of his life about every member of his crew at least once. He remembers all of their faces so vividly. They’re begging for help, for him to do something. To save them. And he never can. He's just forced to watch.

It doesn’t help that the same thing happened to Amanda. He finally gets to her and yet, she dies, too. He couldn’t save his crew and he couldn’t save Amanda - the one person in the world that he should be able to save, even if he couldn’t save everyone else. He feels like everyone he grows to care about will befall the terrible fate of death and there’s nothing he can do about it. He blames himself endlessly for her death, wondering if he could have saved her (and the rest of his crew) if he’d just done something differently. He regrets ever even leaving when he could have just stayed with Amanda and nothing would have gone this way

And I feel like he'd be terrified to make any future friendships or connections because he thinks that he's going to end up getting them killed in one way or another - and so he ends up isolating himself. Maybe he deliberately spends another 3 or more years at sea on his own. Maybe it's a way for him to feel like he's making up for their deaths or asking for forgiveness or whatever but it just makes him feel worse in the end

Oh and I imagine he hates sailing now, too but he does it anyway because he feels like he has to. Because if he stops he has to find something else to do and he doesn't know what else he could do (though he's starting to doubt he can even sail, either). Any joy he used to feel from having the wind in his face and the smell of the ocean is gone. Maybe the smell of salt makes him feel sick now

Thinking about Tarquin watching the waves for those 3 other years he goes back out on his own wondering why they haven't consumed him yet. Why they decide to spare him even after everything he's done and how he doesn't deserve their mercy. How he would almost rather the waves be harsh and unforgiving. Maybe the challenge would distract him. Maybe it would make it easier to pretend that surviving the tough storms would be like his crew was forgiving him, even a little bit

(I had a whole thing in my fic about how he feels like he doesn't deserve to sail anymore and that Amanda would be so much better at it because she managed to do his 3 year journey in so much less time. And on her own - and yet he could barely even get 3 people across the ocean alive even after his years of experience. I think if she did somehow survive and they needed to return, he would have stepped down from his position as captain and made her do all of the sailing of the ship feeling as though he wasn't worthy of the position and that she was just so much better at it)

Imagining Tarquin during his time alone at sea hallucinating members of his crew or Amanda - especially Amanda. How much it would hurt him to realize that they were fake. Maybe at some point he's so disoriented for one reason or another he mistakes the hallucination as real and breaks when he realizes it's not. The amount of hope he would feel - however futile or impossible - thinking that someone of his crew managed to survive despite everything. And then it disappears and suddenly he's so terribly alone again

Imagining him in front of the hallucination of Amanda begging for forgiveness. Maybe the hallucination accepts (Amanda would) but maybe it’s more Tarquin’s perception of how he thinks she’d react and so she doesn’t accept and he understands why she wouldn’t. Maybe he even thinks he deserves it. Maybe it even convinces him that Amanda hates him now. Whatever happens I think it would break his spirits even more

Meanwhile, Amanda watching from the afterlife with sadness watching Tarquin’s mental state decline over time and being unable to do anything about it

Actually, imagining her actually being on the boat with him as a ghost. She can’t do anything to support him physically, of course, but she’s trying her best to protect him, hoping that somehow he can sense her there - maybe that’s why his boat is so safe despite everything

Maybe Tarquin actually sees her ghost one time but he doesn’t believe it’s real - because it can’t be - but he talks to her anyways because that’s what he’s done every other time he’s seen her. And she tries so hard to be there for him, trying to comfort him. He can’t feel her touch, but he imagines it anyways. And for the briefest of moments it’s like she’s there again. For that brief moment - nothing more than a second - everything is okay again. And then it’s not. Because she’s not really there.

He can’t hear her desperate attempts to try and get him to just take care of himself

An in a different universe, imagining Tarquin eventually deciding to head home after the events of the play. He realizes he needs to tell all of the families of his crew about how their family members are dead. They probably knew the risks but he still feels terrible thinking about telling them (even if they don’t know his entire crew died). But he feels obligated to tell them, because that was their family member.

Thinking about him realizing he’ll need to tell Amanda’s mother that she’s dead. He knows he can’t wait to do that because that’s her mother. So one of the first things he does when he gets back is goes to Amanda’s house (what was Amanda’s house, he supposes) and knocks on the door. She is not excited to see him and probably asks about Amanda, but he asks to be let in so they can talk because he can’t do this outside and it feels more respectful if they’re both sitting. He’s not very good at hiding his grief - he almost certainly hasn’t been sleeping well - and so she lets him in.

And then he has to tell her. He probably has to force the words out because he doesn’t want to say them. Maybe he’s still in denial, but either way saying them aloud hurts him even more. Amanda’s mother is almost certainly angry at him (because of course she is. She always had this negative impression of him in the first place and this just proves all of her worries - how Amanda should have never been with Tarquin in the first place. Hell, maybe Tarquin even agrees with her now. Because if he hadn’t fallen in love with her, then maybe she would have still been alive. And even if they weren’t together, at least Amanda would have been happy and alive doing something different and with someone else), and he certainly doesn’t make himself sound much better, after all, he’s been blaming himself for her death this entire time. And so he sits there and just takes it as she yells at him, and he probably thinks he deserves it.

That was a lot, but I just have so many thoughts and I need to put them somewhere - thank you so much for reading my crazy collection of thoughts, I hope it didn't hurt too much

[i-may-be-an-emu]

SFTH Fic Masterlist

#3. Lost In Your Eyes

Full masterlist here

[unbelenting]

Lost In Your Eyes!

Remember when I asked for sketch ideas and said I'd do THIS one (below) digitally, after I rewatch this longform? Well it's finally done, an odd balance between messy and thought-out, but I like this play quite a bit so I had fun 💕 tysm for the suggestion!!

[echolynn13]

SFTH Chaotic Highlights (Lost In Your Eyes)

Commentary of the 3rd longform play, I feel like I said a lot more than I anticipated about this one. So I'm sorry or you're welcome, depending how you see it

A large part of me believes Tom chose this title purely to spite the 'absolute specimen of masculinity' in the audience lmao

We're not watching these in order, but it was while watching this video that my mom asked why 'so many of their plays are about war or being lost at sea'. This was followed by watching The Leftenmost Window so.. her point definitely wasn't disproven

Amanda off to a bold start by immediately slapping her mother in the face

Also istg these guys choose either the most common or most random fucking names, and there's never any in between. Here we've already gotten the perfect examples of 'Amanda' and 'Tarquin'

"The sea is a big place" "He was only going to France" ".. Maybe he went the long way around" I can't hear this and not just think 'ah yes, just like Christopher Columbus (probably smoking crack /ref)'

The passion in the way Luke says the word SMUGGLER

"Well of course we won't find someone as freakishly tall as Tarquin" *smug eye contact with Tom offstage* Love that they chose Tom's character for him there, that's funny as hell

Luke/Amanda's mom being continuously incapable of saying 'Addis Ababa'. I added the slash because I'm not quite sure when it stopped being Luke and started being a character choice

"If the law is unjust, is it unjust to break it?" "... I don't like riddles, Amanda" Love when the boys get political-

Mother gets her revenge (slight delayed reaction to being called a bitch, but it counts)!

"They're basically an occupying army of the rich and upper class, enforcing on the working man what they can and can't do while they all gallivant around" "Oh you fucking commie, Amanda" Love when the boys get political-

It sounds like maybe Tom walked 40 minutes through a broiling heat wave because the Angel tube station was shut. And he might have skipped lunch as well. I think maybe he's bringing a lot of reality into this scene guys-

"We're here together! Doesn't that inspire you?" Oh, three men on a ship, we used to be fifty-four-" Impeccable comedic timing Luke

"I told you to tie Rogers down!" Leave Rogers alone, his only flaw is an allergy to singing.. rip Rogers.. *insert AJ's incorrect sign of the cross*

"I used to have someone.. Penelope!" Od- ... Odysseus? Ody buddy is that you?

"But she always used to like to swim, so.. I'm happy for her, you know?" She died how she lived - In the sea

"And I used to have long, flowing locks" "I wasn't-" "You looked directly at my head" You absolutely did Tom, you can't deny that

The cop date being the most obnoxious man in existence did not go unnoticed by me

"The French, they're very difficult. Here, look- Can we get a fuckin', uh, menu" *Luke shoots a look at the audience before silently walking away* "See what I fuckin' mean?"

Amanda, on the verge of tears: "If someone were to go to France and not return on time, what do you think would've- would've happened to them?" Cop, apathetically: "Dunno darlin', do you want the um-" AJ's delivery kills me here, he really couldn't give less of a fuck about this hypothetical scenario

"Your knowledge of the French is very charming" *Cop immediately pawns the question off onto Luke's character who he previously said he didn't trust*

He just really fucks up the phrasing of it too

"I didn't catch your name" "I did not give it" I know it's a basic joke but I immediately thought of the Heathers musical

"It's just as well I'm not talking to you!" Have I mentioned I love Luke's character in this scene? So few words and yet the sass is unmatched

Also the irony of AJ saying he can't understand the French guy is not lost on me

"Just west of north Africa" "Are you sure?" "Yeah- Yes actually I am. I am sure." Love when you just know it's not the character talking anymore, it's just Luke

"Do you believe in true love?" "Yes I do.." "Not me and you-" These two can't go one play without flirting with each other, whether the plot calls for it or not

Similarly, is it even a SFTH play if Sam and Luke don't kiss at least once, whether the plot calls for it or not-

"Oh I stabbed you with my gun" And so begins a great running joke

And I am genuinely disappointed Luke's French waiter died, these guys have a way of making me care about the fates of characters I've only known for a minute or so

Absolute gibberish from AJ as he searches his mind vault for the same accent

At least Tarquin didn't leave Odyss- I mean Belly-Boots hanging for that hug

Remember what I said about liking to see AJ get a chance to show off his French in OMGITAJ? Well it also applies to Luke getting to speak fluent Spanish as the random guy from the Canary Islands

Luke: *is the most friendly guy ever, welcoming them to the islands* Tarquin: "I think he's threatening us"

Seriously idk if it's just my bias, but why are Luke's minor characters so likeable in this one, this is the 3rd of his guys that I've gotten attached to in an insanely short amount of time

I've watched this play like 5 times and I still don't fully know what's going on with the languages here. I think they decided Belly-Boots was just suddenly understanding Luke, but I have no idea what the original plan was

A minute later and none of the characters know what's going on either, and they're all confusing each other

The fact even Sam was caught off guard by Tom's accent(?) for the guy on the Petit Flo

"Tarquin who?" ".. Tarquin Rockhard" I actually don't know if Sam did this on purpose or if he did forget Tarquin's exact surname and used an innuendo to cover it up. Either way seems pretty believable

Classic 'AJ inserting himself into the scene' moment, of the 'random animal' subgenre. A shame that Bobo dies moments later, only breifly walking on water before succumbing to the depths of the Non-English ocean

Pirate Dude: "It's your ship now, my lady" Definitely Sam and not Amanda: "What?"

"The heat's had an effect on me.. Should've had lunch" This man better have gotten food right after the show, he's clearly starving

Amanda: "Have you sailed in her?" Tom, a perfect 90 degree angle: "Clearly."

AJ's little "Hello?" after Tom doesn't respond to him always kills me-

Singing allergies, a horrible way to go 😔

"You already had it poured-" "I knew you would come" I have recorded evidence from less than a minute ago that you did not know he would come

"You can never go home" Fuck did he drug Tarquin? "It's- it's strong stuff, isn't it?" Oh fuck he drugged Tarquin "What have you put in this drink?" *collapses* OH FUCK HE ACTUALLY DRUGGED TARQUIN

The Canary Island guide has heavy NPC energy and I'm living for it

"He's tall, he's handsome, and he looks a little bit like Superman" At least he didn't add on 'with a wasting disease' this time

"A perfect place to find one's true love-" "You're looking for true love?" "NOT YOU" Sam you can't really blame him when you keep directly flirting with every one of his characters

"We met once at a Christmas party" That joke has no right to be this funny, but it just leads me to so many questions and gives me answers to none of them- Why was there a smuggler Christmas party like it's a fucking office job? Did everyone bring their non-smuggler partners? Does Amanda's mom know this party even happened?

AJ changing his character's lie from 'he's dead' to 'he never left' to 'he killed so many animals' in the span of like 20 seconds. Absolute cinema

"I've got a gun and I'm not afraid to stab you" "I've also got a gun, there's a man lying comatose on my floor, what the fuck is going on here?" The icon returns

"His accent never stays the same!" In-Universe callout

"How did you shoot him with your gun?" Phenomenal

Sam taking any opportunity to mime-spit on his friends, even as his character is actively dying

Amanda dying is actually crazy though, no happy endings here-

But you know what, thank god the guide survived, I don't think I could handle 3 Luke characters dying in one play

Final Thoughts: Luke plays almost every minor character in this one, half of them die, and all of them are iconic.

[hidden-by-a-trench-coat]

I shared this idea on the Discord but thought I’d put it here, too (preemptive angst warning, sorry): Lost In Your Eyes Tarquin time loop fic where he goes back to the start of his journey over and over again any time anyone dies (I imagine the first day he doesn’t believe it. He has dreams like this all the time. But then he gets through one day. And then another. And then realizes that maybe this is real? And after the first loop and first successful save he realizes that maybe there is a chance. Maybe this is his second chance) and finally gets a chance to save everyone…!

…Only to wake up from some kind of coma or something and figure out it’s all fake. He never managed to save anyone. They’ve been dead for years.

I imagine him finally getting onto land and seeing Amanda again. He saves her life by protecting her and falls unconscious - he wakes up in a hospital. He’s drowsy and confused but he asks the first employee he sees about Amanda - only to get a response that they don’t know any Amanda… He is in denial about this the entire time.

Eventually they let him out and he searches for her (and the rest of his crew). She has to be out there somewhere - there has to be some reason no one came to visit him. Maybe they were waiting for him. He saved them, after all.

I imagine he runs into Amanda’s mother, who is not happy to see him, and she tells him that Amanda’s been dead for years and it’s his fault, angry that he would even suggest that she could be alive after all this time and give her false hope, and Tarquin is just devastated.

[i-may-be-an-emu]

Yay thank you so much for the link!!

Yes they use the names Hans and Jemima a lot but honestly I think I’ve heard them use the name Tarquin at least four or five times

(and that’s not even a name I’d heard before watching sfth)

[i-may-be-an-emu]

SFTH’s improvised plays tags if they were works on ao3

#3 lost in your eyes

Amanda/Tarquin #m/f #all hurt no comfort #accuracy? what’s that #racist cops #stab wounds #gun violence #(simultaneously) #they went to France the long way round #dont ask why #tragedy #of course a flamingo smuggler is a real job #brief depictions of animal death #angst with a sad ending #no beta we die like rodger’s #dont worry they’re all doing so fine

[i-may-be-an-emu]

Yes they use the names Hans and Jemima a lot but honestly I think I’ve heard them use the name Tarquin at least four or five times

(and that’s not even a name I’d heard before watching sfth)