#i hate myself for being so fuckign stupid

[nonsensechemicals]

crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It

[katierosefun]

ooo oooooo it’s going to be one of those tiring days!

[yyyww4]

YOU HID ME you never saw a futture with me you had no intent of staying with me youlied sabout not leaving me yousaid you woukd never let me go yousaid you werent planning our breakup dont lie dont lieto me domt fucking lie to me i fucking hate liars im sureyou were thinking about ut every single day you lie about eveyrhting to mei know you do im not a fucking idiot imnot stupid i knowit i know it you never tell me anything youkeep sugarcoating youre justlike everyone else everyoine lies to me im a fool for beleiving you im a foolfor thinking that good things could come to me that i deserve it thatits not a fabrication ishoukd have known snd idid everythi i coukdand its never enough and iholf mysekf accuntable i knowhat im responsible for but you cant even recognize what yiure responsibke for in a relaitonsjhip its like imsupposed to take care of everything and nothing is your responsibility and everything is my fault its alweaysmy fault it will forever be my fucking fauklt im always the problem you never put yourslef in anyone elses shoes but yours youre so fucking selifish its unbelievable yet i have and always will put muyself inyour shoes regardless iwill always try and see things dfromyour perspectuive i will always try to understand even ifyou dont tell me fuckinfg anything because you neber fucking did you never told me shit yet its like im supposed to read your fucking mind and i always tryand givre yoiu compassiaon andyet you never do the same for me you refuse to unserstand thinsg from my point of view its alwaysmmy fault im always doing everything wrong i cant do anything righht no matter how hard itry how much effort i oput in its never enoiugh you didnt even regcognize myefforts tdont try to pretentoyu did DONT FUCKING PRETEND dont try and lie and tell me you acknowledge my efforts thatyyou dont take them for granted YES YOU FUCKING DID you have neveer once thought about h9ow fucking hard ive tried to fix things and understand you and notmake the same wrongdoings and work on myself and changes did happen things changed yetyou refused to realize and in the end itsall for shit i ruin myself over snd over again trying to figure thinsg out trying to findout ehat i was doing wrong what coukd iahve done differently and pleas youshould have just fucking communicated with me you feed into your own ideations and want to bask in your discomfort and shame you willingly choose to assumethat id reject you nomatter how many times i reassure you and comofrt you and tryto talk to you and understand you and propose ideas or ask ifyou needed space or whatever you disregard it all whatmore did youwant fromm me what woukd you habve liked me to have done atp its not me thats a you problme IT ISNOT MY RESPONSIBULITY TO KNWO HOWYOU FUCKING FEEL AND I CANNOT CONTROL HOWYOU REACT AND RESPOND imsorry that i cant read your fuckign mind irecogngnize i couldve been more perceptive and proacitbve aboutthings andyour feeligns and emotions and experiences are valid please know ido not dismiss my actions and the negative impact ivehad i am beyond guilty imashamed im disgusted in mysekf i always have been but dont tell me bullshit like "you shoulkdhave asked how i felt" WHNEYOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME YOU CANNOT MAKE THAT MY FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY especually whenyou gave me zero signs of feeling negativly likehow the fuck was i supposed to know whenthe only thing you ever expressed was excitment and fullfiment and encouragement andyou showered me with sweet words LIKE DOYOU WANT ME TO PULL UP OUR MSGS DO YOUWANT ME TO RECITE WORD FOR WORD HOW EACH OF OUR INTERACTIONS IRL WENT HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IMSORRYU OKAY IM SORRY FOR BELEIVING YOU IMSORRY I SHOUJKLD HAVE KNOWN IM SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A FUCKING FOOL IOMSRORY IM SORRY FOR LOVINGYOU IMS ORRYR FOR EVEYRTHING IRREALLYT AM and pelase dont say that my love was conditional my love foryou was never conditonal i dint fucking understand how you felt that my love was conditional i will always loveyou regardless even if youdont love me evenif you hate me even if you ignore me eve

[capeline-cutemeister-real]

Shoutout to how my parents raised me. I hate being incapable of talking about my problems. I hate the fact i had to rewrite this rant 20 times because i felt like i was being overdramatic even though im talking to literally no one.

I hate that I can't talk normally. I Just fucking love how I have people that I can only tell my feelings through vents on this stupid fucking hellsite, that I can only fucking trick my brain into thinking its okay to admit im weak when theres no one around. Everything is my fault, from a failed math test to the people leaving me to the problems other people have. Constantly policing my own behavior as if that would fucking help anything, as if that will make people love me more. As if that would stop them from kicking me out of their lives.

I hate having crippling social anxiety and latching onto people, i love desiring relationships and compassion and a community and passion and a desire to live and experience everything good there is. Instead I get to cling to this false sense of individuality and fend for myself because apparently the only fucking thing that mattered in my 22 fucking years of life was making sure that i can take care of myself

Well I can. Fuck you. Fuck you you piece of shit. How fucking dare you. How dare you raise me like this. You could have raised me to be anything. Anything your ridiculous heart dreamed up- and instead you made me this. Some fucking shell of a person, damned to cling to this false, stone faced idol, scrabbling together my confidence and security, my *pride* in my ability to take care of myself. Why would I need anything else as long as I could care for myself.

I can do anything, except crying, of course. The one fucking thing I want to do more than anything else. You know how long its been since I've cried? Really? Sincerely? Has it been months, years, decades? Do you even remember the last time that I cried? Do you remember that it was because of you?

I can pass my courses. I can set up my own doctors appointments, i can improve my own health (but not like that), I can survive all alone in this howling void. I can move out of your house within a week, I can pay for my own insurance. I can pursue my own education, pay my own bills. I can find people that love me and cherish me and want to take care of me.

But I can't fucking get rid of your curse on me. Because thats what it really fucking is you stupid bitch. What did you think you were giving me, a gift? Oh what a GLORIOUS gift individuality is. The greatest gift of them all. I could give a king individuality and watch him crumble under its weight before my fucking eyes, damned to scrabble at a community he is now excluded from by its very nature. Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it fuckign amazing? Your "gift" to me has carved a gaping hole in my torso, an ugly facade of a human walking around, every word spoken like skin peeling off, layer by layer; every word unspoken like another knife in whatever pitiful excuse for a back is left.

I can't get rid of the things you did to me. The things you said to me. The way you treated me. You think im a rapist. And before you thought I was a rapist you thought I was an annoyance. A failure. You made snide comments and jokes about how I dared to still live with you, instead of getting a fucking apartment. As if i was stupid, in this economy. You hated your little boy, and now that I'm a woman you *loathe* my existence, you're afraid of me. Afraid that I might do "something" to you.

4 months of what might as well be fucking silence and you break it to tell me that youre kicking me off your insurance. Thanks. Thanks so fucking much you asshole. I appreciate the warning. I appreciate the opportunity to be an individual that has to take care of themselves again.

Heres to another 4 months. I wonder what youll tell me next time.

[bedforddanes75]

this stupid fucking girl i hate her so much shes so annoying shes not even real bitch this is making me so mad shes fictional and ive never EVER felt this kind of rage before oh my god im gonna kill myself i would shoot her in a heartbeat like bitch omg can you grow the fuck up stupid CUNT OH MY GOD i dont CARE if youre dying you BE NICE SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP im gonna genuinely hang myself im gonna become ian curtis i am gonna go into that fucking kitchen and find the nearest rope and USE IT im genuinely i hate her so much i actually need medical assistance to free my body of this rage because its making my stomach hurt i need annoying bitchy people LIKE HER to just die and explode into three thousand uneven BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU CANT EVEN OUT YOUR PLESANTRIES WITH. FUCKIGN ANNOYANCIES i literally am praying for my death how can any one being be SO FUCKING STUPID i lowkey feel like someones gonna tap my shoulder because of this show i hate her i hope SHE gets her shoulder tapped. i should put this kind of energy into my fiction writing rather than my nightly rageposts. goodnight. i hope you never feel this strong a hate

[simcardiac-arrested]

thoughts on something borrowed (2011) ^_^

okay hi im 6 hours late because im busy as a whale but see i Liked this movie is the thing. it was horrible it was so bad but i was watching it at 9pm and i was so fascinated by how bad it was that i even Liked it a little bit. like i said it was like a car crash. absolutely terrible but i couldnt bring myself to look away. okay so get this there's these two best friends rachel and darcy and the second one is about to get married. The thing is that they are first of all the trope where it's like loser nerd girl who's never socially achieved anything & blonde slaygirl who's annoying and self centered but also weirdly cares in her own way and also fucks everyone. Ok. so darcy is about to get married to this guy dex and she and him go to a party to celebrate rachel's 30th birthday. and then rachel and dex are left alone and he does some shit and she goes this is why i had a crush on you in law school ... and then they MAKE OUT? AND FUCK? LIKE JUS T SUDDENLY JUST LIKE THAT LIEK HUHHHH? HELLO? it's like ok i get you're drunk but seriousy how can you do this to your best friend when she's getting married in a few days. But whatever. AND THE WORST THING IS DEX IS THE MOST WHITE BREAD BORING ASS GUY LIKE THERE IS NOTHINGGGGGG ABOUT HIM THAT MAKES DOING ANY OF THIS WORTH IT he';s literally just. there. and then basically they continue doing fuckall for 2 hours and all rachel does is get mad that dex is still with darcy (?? what is he supposed to do he's supposed to get married to her) and she tries to make him jealous constantly and it's so dumb. ESH you are all horrible people. which is to say darcy spends the whole time slaying and being a self absorbed cunt like always but then in the second half of the movie we also find out she's been cheating on dex??? WITH THE GUY WHO SHE THOUGHT RACHEL WAS WITH ????? and then it turns out she got PREGNANT from him????? SO THEY BOTH CALL OFF THE WEDDING?????????? but then darcy realizes rachel has been fucking dex and she gets SO mad she's like I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU even though 2 seconds ago she was like lol yea it's fine no more wedding i don't think it was working out. and im pregnant from another dude anyways lol haha WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FUCKED DEX? anyways. if you even care rachel had a best friend who was helping her through all of this and supporting her and he was always trying to push her to do what he wants. and they gave like 0 romantic vibes EVER but then out of the blue at the end of the movie he goes Well i like you. and rachel is like oh lol well sorry im too into thjis white dude who is too much of a pussy to do anythiung ever regarding our relationship. and her bestie is like ok. AND I WAS SO BAFFLED BY THIS ROMANTIC REVEAL BUT AT THIS POINT ? THEY SHOULDVE GOTTEN TOGETHER BECAUSE THAT DUDE PUT SO MUCH MORE EFFORT IN THAN DEX EVER DID ADN HE WAS ALSO LESS BORING AND ACTUALLY HAD A PERSONALITY. ok. and then the movie ends and rachel and dex are together and it's like yayyy!!! BUT WHO FUCKIGN CARES THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SO BORING AND STUPID . LITERALLY ESH YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE DONT LET ANYBODY ELSE GET INVOLVED INM YOUR RELATIONSHIP. great movie it was making my face contort with expressions previously unknown to human biology

[ivy-is-fine]

WARNING: long vent underneath; mostly self deprecation so be mindful of that if you decide to read

chat I’m genuinely tweaking out so fucking bad rn I just spent like an hour and half making a custom Minecraft skin and then I accidentally hit something that destroyed all of my progress, RIGHT BEFORE I DOWNLOADED IT YALL I GONNA EXPLODE I KNOW I SHOULDNT BE SO UPSET OVER SIMETHING STUPID AND POINTLESS AND SMALL AS THIS BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM GOING TO CRY AND THEN I DONT KNOW THROW A HAT AT THE GROUND YALL IT LOOKED SO GOOD I LOVED IT AND THEN I FUCKING RUINED IT ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THE SAME EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, JUST HOW I WANTED IT TO BE. I KNOW I CAN JUST MAKE ANOTHER AND BE MORE CAREFUL BUT THAT WILL TAKE SO MUCH MORE TIME AND IT WAS SO TEDIOUS THAT TO SPEND MORE TIME WOULD MAKE THE EXPERIENCE EVEN WORSE. CHAT. CHAT IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. AND I KNOW IM ONLY SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS BECAUSE ITS HOT AND MISERABLE AND IM OVERSTIMULATED AND THERES SOMETHING WRONG GOING ON IN MY BODY THATS MADE ME LOSE THE WILL TO EAT AND I HATE MYSELF AND EXISTING FEELS GROSS AND I HAVE NO ENERGY SO NOW IM CRYING JUST AS BAD OVER THIS STUPID, POINTLESS THING AS I DID WHEN MY FUCKING CAT DIED. IM NOT READY FOR THIS SCHOOL YEAR, IM GOING TO BE MISERABLE AND BURNED OUT AND I FEEL LIKE MY BEST FRIENDS DONT LIKE ME EVEN THOUGH I KNOW RATIONALLY THAT THEY DO BUT IM SCARED THAT THEIR OPINIONS OF ME ARE STARTING TO SOUR AND THAT THEYLL LEAVE ME BEHIND JUST AS EVERYONE DOES. GOD IM SO AWKWARD WITH PEOPLE NOBODY LIKES ME I CAN TELL AND I DONT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING INTERESTING OR KNOW ANGTHING ABOUT CARS AND TRUCKS LIEK EVERYONE I EXIST WITH. IM USELESS, I DONT HAVE A JOB, I DONT KNOW HOW TO MOW LAWN OR WEEDWACK OR DRIVE A TRACTOR. IM A WORTHLESS HUMAN WITH ZERO TALENT, ALL I CAN DO IS MAKE USELESS FUCKING ART AND WRITE USELESS FUCKING ESSAYS ABOUT USELESS FUCKING TOPICS. IM SO FUCKING WORTHLESS MY PARENTS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT FROM THE START, I COULDNT EVEN EAT FUCKIGN RIGHT. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF, I HATE BEING A PICKY AND SLOW EATER ITS FUCKING EMBARRASSING I HATE BEING UNDERWEIGHT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME WEAK AND I HATE BEING WEAK BECAUSE IT MAKES ME EVEN MORE USLESS AND EMBARRASSING. I HATE MY SKINNY FUCKING WRISTS AND THE NAUSEA THAT CONSTANTLY STIRS IN MY GUT. I HATE MY STUPID FUCKING OVERBITE AND THE HERBST APPLICATION IN MY FACE TO FIX IT AND I HATE MY CURLY HAIR THAT I DKNT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF PROPERLY BECAUSE IT LOOKS STUPID AND MY SWEATY ASS PALMS THAT LEAVE MARKS ON THE FUCKING TABLES ARE AWFUL I HATE IT IT MAKES ME FEEL GROSS I WISH I KNEW HOW TO ACT IN PUBLIC I WISH I KNEE WHAT INCOULD DONTHAT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE WOULD FUNCTION BETTER WITHOUT ME. I WANT TO BE A PART OF SOCIETY BUT I NEVER KNOW HOW TO ACT, I DONT KNOW WHEN SOMEONE CANT TOLERATE ME. PEOPLE SCARE ME TOO EASILY I WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM WHERE NO ONE HAS TO SEE ME. I WANT TO SMASH MY HEAD AGAINT A WALL, MAYBE ITLL MAKE ME NORMAL. GOD I CANT FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION NORMALLY, HOW TO MAKNTAIN A HEALTHY WEIGHT, HELL, HOW TO HAVE AN APPETITE. I CONSTANTLY FEEL SICK AND RECENTLY IVE BEEN FEELING SO DETACHED FROM REALITY THAT I CAN HARDLY REGISTER ANY WORDS SPOKEN TO ME AND NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING IMPORTANT ANYWAYS LIKE HOW I WAS THE LAST TO KNOW WHERE MY FUCKING CAT GOT BURIED??? NO ONE SEEMED TO FEEL LIEK THAT WA SIMPIRTSNT ENOUGH TO TELL ME!!! IT FEELS LIKE EVERYONE EXPECTS EM TO KNOW STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO BE TOLD BUT INDONT KNOW!!! I NEVER FUCKING KNOW!! I DOTN KNOW ANHTHING OTHER THAN USELESS PIECES OF TRIVIA THAT WILL NEVER BE USED ANYWHERE AT ALL. UGH I FEEL SO ILL, HUNGRY YET SICK AT THE SAME TIME. STARVING WITH NO DESIRE TO EAT. I KNOW ILL DIE, IM ALWAYS ON THE EDGE WITH DEATH, WAVING ACROSS THE STREET AT EACH OTHER. I DONT WANT TO BE SKINNY. I WANT TO EAT AND BE HEALTHY. BUT I CANT. I DONT KNOW WHY I CANT. I HAVE ACCESS TO FOOD AT ALL TIMES, THERES NOTHING STOPPING ME. I CAN HEAR MY STOMACH BUDDLE AND I CAN FEEL THE HUNGER PANGS BUT THEY DONT SEEM TO TRANSMIT TO MY BRAIN. MY MEMORY IS FAILING ME MORE AND MORE MY THE MINUTE, I CAN FEEL MYSELF

DETERIORATING. GOD IM SO SICK OF THIS THIS GAME ISNT FUN ANYMORE BUT I DONT WANT TO QUIT. ITS HARD BEING THE MEDIATOR, THE LIGHTHEARTED JOKESTER WHO DIFFUSES THE SITUATION AND REMAINS COOL AND CALM. IT FUCKING SUCKS AND I GET WALKED ALL OVER ALL THE TIME.

AND I KNOW THERES MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS WHO HAVE IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES WORSE THAN ME, BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT LIVING SUCKS. MY BRACES AND HERBST MAKE MY FACE ACHE AND MY KNEES HURT WHEN HIGH PRESSURE SYSTEMS COME IN AND IM SLOW AND DONT PROVIDE ANYTHING FOR A TEAM. MY ARMS FEEL WEAK ALL THE TIME AND MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE AN EMPTY CHAMBER WITH SOME GUNK AND COBWEBS SLOSHING AROUND. GOD IM SO TIRED. EVERY PART OF MY BODY IS TIRED, IM EXHAUSTED THROUGH TO MY BONES AND BACK.

THERES NO GOOD WAY TO CONCLUDE THIS, AND IM SORRY IF YOUVE READ THIS THROUGH(OR AT ALL).

[child-ofdust]

vent 2.0 More suicide tw Ignore a million times

WHY CANT THEY STOP TALKING TO ME i hate my family i hate them so much everythign they say to me either fills me with anger and just makes me want to sob and its not even like its not even fucked up shit it's EVERYTHING. everything they say makes me feel so horrible and they never stop they never leave me alone why can't theyvleave me alone

i dont want to die alone i dont want to die alone i really don't i know i deserve it but i don'twsnt to i know im going to i dont want to be alone im sickcof it im sick of being alone constantly i hate it i hate it why cant people love me i dont deserve it but i want it please im so sick of it please god i just want someone to like me

god imso fuckign hideous WHATS WRONG WITH ME i hateveverything about myself its so ffucking bad everything i do is bad everything i say is wrong evrry action i take everything i do and make and everything about its never good i just want to be good WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

i hate myself i hate everything about me there's nothing redeeming about me i wish there was

im dead im dead im dead im dead im dead god i just want to die i dont know ehy i dont do it (thats a lie i know exactly why lol) im such a fucking pussy im not even scared of the pain I DON'T CARE but what if i regret it? i want to die but im so scared what if i don't want to what if im wrong. it feels like the only good answer really i think it would be the one single good choice i'vebsmade no one would judge me if i did they'd understand they'd go Okim glad it happened there was never any other option. better he die now than keep living in misery and drag usball down with him and i would say nothing because i am dead and i know they're just telling thw truth so its ok i understand i really do i know it's true but im so scared what if i regret it what if i really don't want to die

i dont want to be alone im sick of it i dont want to die alone i swear to god I DO i want to die so bad but what if i dont but i do but i dont know what i want i cant make decisions for myself i know i'll jsut fuck it up im too stupid why cant someone just do it for me why cant someone tell me i can? what happens if i regret it thoufh i'll just die I'LL JUST DIE alone and miserable like always and i'll just ddie alone and cry and know i made a mistake but i can't go back because i cant go to the hospital are you crazy they'll judge me they'll think im disgusting and i know i am but i don't want to know i don't want them to think that of me im doing my best But not really?

[gayspock]

ugh shut up

theres a part of me whenit comes to that stuff that is sad . idont fucking know. everythings so swallowed up by everything else. i dont even care that im never going to be gendered correctly irl . nobodyeven fucking knows i exist. i feel so out of place at pride events. i feel like theres a part of me as a teenager that really prayed and hoped i could find some community in there and at least that part could be myself but ivefelt horrible and cast out and alone every time ive tried. im not sure why i would have thought that stuff would be any different. but i dont fucking know any mroe its one of the manystupoid fucking things that just feel likeanother fucking form of detachment . i feel like itsjust a part of fucking everything. every time i do try to level out its just a million little fucking miseries that fucking chip back at it . ifcuking cant find anything that i can fucking hang on to i keep getting upset by stupid shit and going fucking crazy imalone all the time i think abouthow thats like what it is but evenif i couldnt be i dont think id ever manage ti any more i fucking cant even imagine it in my head i feel like im going crazy i fucking hate being with people i hate it i just fucking associateit with trying to fucking keep my lid on, pleaseeeefucking keep it together becdause people already cannot fucking stand you, so help me god, i feel lonely not in the fucking alone way . oh you can meet people! i fucking cant do it i fucking cant handle trying at it any more i fucking feel alone in the fucking i cannot fucking evenstand people any more i dont want to ever be with anyone i just want to be left alone to fuckingdie forever because who fucking cares who fucking carws im sick ofcriyng about who fucking cares i dont fuckign want to even try to think about it any more i cant keep gettingtwisted in shit and getitngupset all. the. time. its so stupid it doesnt een matter i think thethought of it makes me sick an d i keep thinking of some way i could go out with some fucking dignity before realising itssof ucking meaningless does anyone feel fucking cuckooooo i dont know BRO aside aside aside i fucking keep trying to fucking just drag itallout fucking turning shit out forcing myself to zone out ifcuking feel like my skin is fuxcking crawling i fucking hate having to do anything and everything because it just makes me fucking misertable and theonlything anyone ever fucking says is just fucking keep at it fucking hell i wnat help thats notjsut a fucking insult. SMILE!!!!¬!

[scribe-of-the-moon]

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[daedalusdavinci]

spell homestuck

GOD. THIS IS SO MUCH LONGER THAN TWO FACE. i typed too much and theres too many qs so under the cut it goes

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or....... i guess comics, these days, but i HATE READING COMICS they juST HAVE MORE COMPELLING FANDOMS. book fandoms are PUNY nad everyone is STUPID. youd think actual literary fandoms would have reading comprehension and understanding of literary critique but no!!!!!!!!!!!!! its literally my eternal fuckign struggle. somehow comic fandoms hit the perfect medium between compelling, readable content and the enthusiasm of cartoon fans without the childishness of cartoon fans

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

this isnt really a thing i do. the only time i associate characters w songs is my own ocs. barbies theme is miltons tower from the what remains of edith finch soundtrack!

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

i have also never really been one to project myself into stories. its just not how i consume media. i think sollux and rose already closely resemble the kinds of friends i make, so maybe them?

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

(freddy fazbear vc) vanessa.... ive done things, im not proud of.

i dont even know if i want to answer this question bc its so fucking humiliating LKJSNDLFSDNFSDF the truth is yes. i am solely responsible for. a lot. particularly in the pjo fandom. i created several crackships ground up all on my own way back in 2014 and developed a following for them and i. dont wantto tell you what those ships were. LSKJDFNSLDJNSDFSDDF ive also pioneered many ship tags for other fandoms and i ship a lot of rarepairs and stuff but i dont think im RESPONSIBLE for them?? in that some ppl already were into them/talking abotu them or tht theyre still not popular (augh. to the ones that became popular) but i AM liTERALLY responsible for some crack shit in the pjo fandom and its. it haunts me sometimes. i dont want to talk about it. IF YOU REMEMBER WHAT I DID NO YOU DONT

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

this is so vague. my headcanons are shifting and nebulous and aus are my constant companion in everything, but uhhhhhhghhusjkdjnsdg i think. roxy writes the same way dave draws comics. its extremely memey and meta and self aware and largely just for the personal lolz, and were all doing her a disservice by pretending her writing looks like roses, when in reality dirk is probably the one whod make comics the way rose makes books (which is probably why he doesnt make comics). its more of that thing where roxy and dave are the same and rose and dirk are the same ykwim. well YOU dont corvus but im sure someone else does

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

jason takes after bruce in terms of like. adopting entirely too many kids. he broods

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

harvey is a heartwrenching character when written well, with a complicated view of morality, heartbreaking ties to our main hero, and a lot of internal conflict. something about such a hopeful character deadset on making a different in the system becoming a victim of it, and the potential he has as a vehicle for critiquing the law.

percy is my favorite character from pjo bc it was the very first time in my life i ever read a book and saw myself in it. hes aggressive, impulsive, and rebellious, he fidgets and has a hard time standing still, he acts on emotion without always thinking it through, he gets in trouble in school and hands his mom a murder weapon to kill his stepdad, hes just... hes a lot of the things ive always gotten in trouble for, things i couldnt help being, and hes a hero. he means everything to me.

vriska, i will maintain until the day i die, is one of the best homestuck characters- maybe just characters?- ever written. shes dramatic, shes impulsive, shes manipulative and mean and creative, and shes just so messy about it. shes a mean girl in a way that feels real, where her trauma impacts and shapes her as a person, and shes complex, with warring wants, and people she cares about, and dreams, and shes so messy. shes rough and rude and shes doing what SHE wants to, being a version of herself that feels right to HER, rather than some caricature of the hot badass evil lady. shes thirteen!! and she FEELS thirteen. shes a thirteen year old weird girl who is kind of an asshole, and she means literally fucking everything to me. shes a pirate!!!!! shes a swashbuckling badass dressing up in her larping outfit and yelling at her friends on the playground to swab the deck and she is the bestest ever, the end.

i didnt mean for each one of these to be longer than the last but here we are.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

i hate jdedave peace and love it just feels weird as hell to me. dave, for the most part, is hyper respectful of other peoples choices and boundaries but when it comes to jade hes always trying to mke choices for her, to protect her, and it gets to the point where even jade points out how much it bugs her. jades crush on dave also seems to come from a place of misunderstanding to me, admiring a lot of the parts of himself that he exaggerates and pretends to care about as a result of trauma. it always felt like a kid crush that they shouldve grown out of with time. dave also just sort of seems to... go along with whatever romantic relationships people push him into at that age, rolling with whoever flirts with him jsut bc hes trying to maintain the image of a player, so its really hard to take him seriously any time he hits on someone?

that is just my interpretation of it tho

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

well. i havent finished my reread of homestuck, so that feels difficult to comment on just yet, bc im sure ill have a different opinion when i do finish it. no one in dc gets character arc bc theyre all just undone immediately, so thats like. yeah. and in pjo the arcs are pretty weak bc 1) kids books and 2) RICK UNDOES THEM ALL. AUGH. regardless of all of this, i am going to say jason grace. he had a lot of development in like the last two hoo books, or maybe just like.... hints of how he couldve developed? promise? which rick immediately set fire to in toa when he killed him, but fUCKING WHATEVER. UGH.

anyway actually tho eleanor from the good place. bisexual icon. queen. probably one of the best character arcs of all time. the episode w her mom has some of the most powerful fucking dialogue ever and i think about it. all the time. i should rewatch the good place.....

[rise-my-angel]

Honestly, this fandom exhausts me to hell and back. It's difficult to exist in as someone who needs my opinions affirmed by someone else for me to even consider seeing them as valid.

In general, though with some nuance to be found inside, I'm someone who likes the Starks, supports Northern independence, dislikes the Targs and dislikes incestuous ships. Now, since I'm so fucking insecure about my thoughts and opinions, I need to find someone who I generally agree with in order to be able to engage with a fandom in a way that doesn't make me want to behead myself.

So I look for supporters of Northern independence, whom are usually Sansa fans, but I don't make it for long before seeing that they have some wildly Stark/North-negative takes. I go on to look for people who actually like House Stark but end up finding out that a lot of them are pro-Targ restoration for some reason. So I leave and look for people who don't want a Targaryen to rule Westeros again, only to end up circling back around to the Sansa stans who not only actively look for reasons to dislike anything Northern and Stark that doesn't relate to Sansa, but also ship her with her own brother. So I look for people who don't hate any and every thing Northern only to find Dany/Arya stans (who are in a weird sort of alliance for whatever reason) who compare the North's want for independence to MAGA (That's an actual thing people believe in... for some reason.) and either ship Arya with her brother or Jon with his aunt. It's a neverending loop, and a personal hell for someone who has kind of insecurities that I do.

The loop this fandom throws my brain into is something along the lines of 'See, this opinion that I have is valid because this other person has it as well! But that other opinion is the spawn of satan, actually, and you're dumb for believing it.' and 'Well, actually that other opinion is objectively correct! This other opinion that you have, however, is objectively evil.' and it's not a nice loop to be stuck in.

It's not even as if I have takes that are contradictory. It's just that this fandom has been so insane for so long that it has become normal for them to be viewed as such by some people. And it's difficult to be a regular here, because even though I have written essay-length metas, I'm in constant need of outside affirmation for me to be able to have even a crumb of confidence in my own opinions. Which is something that says more about my damaged psyche than it does about the fandom alone, I know, but the very fact that the social structure of this fandom seems to encourage and enflame such insecurities says enough, if you ask me.

Conclusion: This fandom fucking sucks, and if I could press a button that would magically destroy all asoiaf fandom spaces, I would in a heartbeat. Good news though, I bought a giant fuckign plushie that'll hopefully help me deal with all these stupid assaults of anxiety that this fandom semi-regularly puts me through. Anyway, I am very sleepy as I'm writing this and, if it wasn't obvious enough, Not Doing Very Good mentally. So if it sounds rambley or doesn't make sense at all, that's probably the reason, I just wanted to put my grievances into words. I felt like I'd explode if I didn't.

Well, first of all, your views and opinions are always welcome and valid here! I am thrilled to get asks like this and discussions like this, because, like you, I am in the minority on these issues. I know I'm only one person but I am always happy to hear your thoughts!

Now, the thing I learned a while back is a lot of the stances on the North and Targaryeans in relation to Sansa, Arya, and Dany, is a LOT of it has to do with the never ending Jon shipping wars.

Now, Jonsa shippers typically aren't pro targ restoration, because they want the ending from the show of Sansa being Queen in the North. But, they also want Sansa to be in charge as regent, so they reduce Jon to King consort who is happy not to be a leader. But, because these people typically do not engage with the Starks as they are, they attribute a LOT of Sansa's more southern traits to her entire personality. So, the North needs her as their Queen becuase she will rule and tame and civilize them the way the North needs, instead of allowing her to embrace the fact that Sansa is still a Northerner and does value her home and traditions and wouldn't want things to be like they were in the South where she suffered. So, thats what a lot of that comes from in the Sansa side. They are typically more hardcore Jonsa shippers that see Sansa as the one who needs to be Queen to tame the North and Jon to being civilized becuase they wrongly think that Sansa's Northern traits aren't important. They normally arne't pro targ restoration, but not because they look at the Targaryeans the way say you and I do. They are against targ restoration, because they are simply anti jonerys and thus hate that idea because it means that ship gets in the way of theirs.

Arya's weird side tends to come from two places, but more often then not it comes from an anti jonsa place. They sometimes are Jonrya shippers, but they know that is unpopular and less accepted, so they shift typically to the next thing they can that isnt jonsa which is Jonerys. Sometimes its just Jonerys shippers straight up most of the time. These people typically are the ones who think that Arya will love Dany and Dany will love Arya, because of how important Arya is to Jon, they need Arya to be a #1 Dany supporter because they are shipping Jonerys and Jon would prioritize Arya over Dany if it came down to it, so they have to have Arya on Danys side to avoid that. They normally are just targ stans deep down, and thus will always support targ restoration because Arya and Jon to them are just tools to give Dany what she wants.

So, a lot of these people do not advocate for the North in any good faith, because it gets in the way of their shipping goals. A lot of Northern independance is staked on the efforts of Robb, and Jon going forward in the books. But, because they mostly view those characters, especially Jon, as just vehicles to accomplish things for their favourite female Queen character, what Robb and Jon stand for, which is inheirintly the North in it's purest form, cannot be a priority because then it would nessesitate Jon still being in charge.

They want either Sansa or Dany or Arya in charge and thus Jon and his goals have to be reduced, which means the importance of the North and their culture or independance needs to be diminished to justify why the most suited Northern character cannot be the one to lead them.

There are some outliars that are just very negative and bad faith for little justification, but a lot of the time when I've dug deeper, a LOT of these anti North people tend to be the very same people who are locked into the toxic Jon incest shipping wars, and their views of the North are corellated into what suits their ship the best and it is never with the Norths bests interest in mind.

I don't blame you for being exhausted with it, it is very exhausting to me, but what helps is being so vocal on my blog about how I feel about it all and the North, and maybe it will inspire at least some people to look at the topic in a different light.

[spiralsta1rcase]

Sad and Long Post .. Lolllll........ Venty....

i really hate being trans though because if i get "misgebdeeed"(or, correctly gendered lol) i immediately start to feel guilty and like i don't deserve it. especially if it's in front of my parents. my mom always talks about transgender people like they're freaks and so im scared she'll see me as a freak. im so scared for the future because i love my parents so much they're mt best friends but if i tell them anything im afraid ill lose that forever even if i know they'll love me no matter what.

also i won't ever be able to change my name because im so accustomed to being called my name, and its such a feminine name too, and its such a common name. and every male portuguese name sucks shit ass balls. one time i tried to go by mateus and i had this google extension and my brother found out about it and he told me Yeah you're too young for that stuff and also mateus is a fuckign terrible name bro if you do transition just keep your name. i want to do that but it'll definitely be weird.

also i. i don't know. my real life friends call me by he/him but for some reason it just feels so weird. i love being he/himmed online but i feel just so sick and degenerate being called by those words in real life. it's so weird but i also dont want to be confusing to others so i let it slide. i feel like if im accepted for who i am as a man i don't deserve it, i feel sick, i feel like a horrible person and a liar. maybe it's something called internalised transphobia but i don't know what that even means. i feel so uncomfortable dressing in women's clothing and having long hair and looking too girly but if i get called a guy in front of my parents i feel ashamed. maybe it's because i don't want my parents to hate me. and also a lot of the people in my school are transphobic, and a lot of the people who i .. euuugh Like. are straight guys. so i'll make myself into a girl for them to like me too.(but that will never work because i'm fat and i've got a little bit of a moustache and i have a generally just masculine face)

i just really want to escape and live as someone else. i don't want to have an eating disorder but i just want to be skinny because i think that's the source of my problems. im awkward and i keep to myself and im shy and nobody i like ever likes me Because Im Fat. maybe if i were born in a future time it'd be different, but i can't change that, i thinkfat people will be hated forever. and i'll be fat forever. i want to starve myself and i want to get skinny i wish i could weigh 20 kilos. but i can't because my parents will worry. and it's bad for me. i hate exercise and im a picky eater i think the only thing i can do is take that injection that gets rid of your hunger or whatever. my mom had it and she said it worked until she forgot to take it once. i probably shouldn't though. i'm not obese im just a few kilos overweight, im at about 67-69 kilos. i should probably walk around while typing this so i can get some steps in

but . gah it's a horrible time for me right now. i don't know. i think it's because- i haven't weighed myself in a while but im probably at like 100kg now. hey, let's get some optimism here. i just weighed myself, and im at 69! my parents always said im a very positive person so let's just think positive. i don't want to seem like i hate myself so horribly because i really don't, i just hate my outer self, is all. i love who i am and i love my family and i love my skills and im a talented and smart person im just fat. being fat isn't a bad thing, its just a bad thing for me right now, because stupid assholes won't like me for it - but do i want them to like me anyway? if i did get skinny and they acted nice to me again, id probably hate them even more for it. i don't even think im the ugliest person in the world. there are times i look in the mirror and i think i look quite nice actually. my one big problem, i think, is vanity, even though i try to hide it. and i worry so much about how others see me. one time i didn't go to school cuz my hair was a bit oily. vanity is nice but it's horrible to have so much of it. then i can't do anything. i get too worried about how i look and how that guy sitting across of me thinks of me. does it match up with who i am? oh god, what if they think i'm x or y, when i'm actually x-2*a^2/58385892+bc+y(z-7)?!??!?! im gonna cry! this has cheered me up a bit. i think its cuz i weighed myself, lol. i've also noticed, side note, i get a lot more carefree when someone's not around.. when that person is around i get all worried and sad that i gained 0.5kg. i'm not saying who someone is because, even though it's a one in a trillion chance, someone might find this and someone might kill me for it. well goodbye. have a good day. i'm going to walk around some more though o want to type some more cuz it keeps my mind off things. i wonder if i should even post this.. nobody's gonna read it anyway, though, so whoooo cares. who knows, if anyone does read it, maybe they'll say, hey, i've got the same thing as you. and they'll tell me what it is! but that's just a thought.. no one's reading this, honestly. hey you know i just watched a full movie on tiktok for the first time - the guy actually posted all the parts! it's crazy! and the movies really.. it's a bit.. meh but it's quite well made, had me shaking up a storm on my sofa and biting my nails. it was called The Call i think. ok goodbye

[wincestisasincest]

uh so im gonna vent for a bit. under the cut, tw: skin wounds, self hatred lol

i didn't take my meds this morning i dont fuckign know why i just dont think i like myself very much. missed both classes cause i'm a dumbass idiot who can't function in society. i pick my skin when im nervous and right now my face looks so clawed and scratched and gross because im an idiot with no self control or discipline or anything.

god i just HATE being alive sometimes because i have to exist in ME. in this stupid shitty body with this stupid shitty brain that does stupid shitty things. every day i find a new way to disappoint the very few people i have left who still think i'm worth something.

and it's all my fault for being a chronic pos.

i should be better than this but i never will be.

i need to go sit down in the shower.

[pr]

i think the worst part of friends cutting you out of their lives is there is literally nothing you can do because no amount of begging or getting back at them or apologizing or arguing will do anything but prove to them even more why you are a toxic person they don't want to hear from anymore. so you literally have no choice but to just silently and immediately accept those relationships are gone.

[readingwriter92]

ah its that time of week again folks, where im frustrated to all hell about a quiz cause I was a lazy ass who didnt do her hw all week