#i hate how i react to anger. seriously. why do i start crying when im angry whats the fucking point.

[mxdotpng]

im STILL angry. its almost been an entire day and im STILL ANGRY

[dog-teeth]

Did you experience any emotional changes when you started T? How was it

yeah, a whole bunch! i guess ill start with anger. pre-T, my anger often skipped over the part where i was angry and went straight into feeling frustrated, helpless, sad, or worthless. i think part of this is biological and part of it is because of how women are conditioned to not feel or express anger. when i got really angry pre-T, i would just cry. i remember feeling white-hot rage, so so fucking angry, and i would just be weeping, and whoever i was angry at would be like aww are you okay / not take me seriously bc i was crying which just made me More Angry which just made me cry more!!!! it was one of my least favorite feelings ever.

now on T i get angry more quickly, i’m more prone to being snappy with people and reacting with anger before realizing i don’t want to react that way or don’t feel that way at all. anger is a response i go to more quickly and more often now. however, it also goes away faster, and leaves less residue behind. i used to never be able to fully let go of my anger, i would seethe and fester because it just wouldnt go away bc i had no outlet to let it out. when i did have anger breakdowns even then it was just bc i had reached a snapping point and it didn’t do much in terms of catharsis. i wanted to burn alive. i wanted to burn the whole world, but i couldn’t, i felt helpless and small, and the feeling of frustration never went away. but now i can actually let go of my anger, it comes and goes faster and doesnt leave behind that terrible deep frustration. i get angry, i want to run really fast or hit or break something, i let it out in a healthy way (usually sprinting) or an unhealthy way (snapping at someone) and then it goes away.

and then, basically the opposite is true with sadness. i used to just cry and release my sadness and then feel better (though underlying deep depression-type sadness was still there and still is). but its harder for me to cry now. sadness lives deep in my heart in a way that is slightly more suffocating now when it gets strong. its not quite as prevalent as the anger thing bc i can still have catharsis for my sadness without crying, crying just helps a lot. also, and this was true pre-T as well, i cry much much i more over media than i do over my real life.

i think it has to do with my hyperempathy because of adhd/autism. not sure why, but media i feel strongly about can make me cry INSTANTLY whereas i rarely cry over the very real grief and sadness i experience in my own life. in general tho i am less sad.

next on the list is sex and romance! (slight nsfw warning) idk how deep i wanna go into it but i will say that my sex drive increased and the things i wanted out of my sexual and romantic life changed a lot, in terms of things like what gender i was attracted to, what dynamic i wanted to have during sex (top/bottom, dom/sub, what activities i wanted to do, etc). who i wanted to be in a relationship and in bed both changed. the way i experience desire and attraction is different, both romantically and sexually.

and now i’m much more confident! now that i’m not nearly as dysphoric, i have no problem meeting new people bc im content with how they will perceive me physically. i used to hate talking because i hated my voice, i didn’t even really see it completely as dysphoria, like yeah i wished it was lower but i thought i just hated my voice for no real reason. but all thats gone now! i love talking to people, i love meeting people, i love being around people (until my introvert instincts kick in then i love being alone at home but its not bc of gender lol)

i didnt even realize how dysphoric i was until i stopped being dysphoric and i realized how prevalent and crushing it was in my life. i’m also more confident because i can be more myself. since im physically more androgynous, i can do things that are seen as feminine without feeling dysphoric or getting instantly misgendered. to be androgynous i used to have to put all my effort toward being masculine to balance out my body’s perceived femininity. i used to only be able to wear out ‘masculine’ clothes and even then i would still get misgendered and be dysphoric.

now i’m growing my hair out, i can wear dresses and skirts and eyeshadow and have much more fun with my gender presentation. im much more confident and happy with myself! i had no idea how much it would improve my life.

its been really strange experiencing basic fundamental emotions like anger and desire and social connection in a different way! but i’m 100% happy with all of it!!

[capri-ramblings]

Hi Capri, you're recent "what if I have to go" post got me thinking. How would Leona, Ruggie, Jack and Idia react to an s/o (female) who wants to break up with them? Feel completely free to ignore/delete this If you want 💞💞

I'm not very good with angst but I hope this is good enough! You all have been so nice with asking me for Requests and I just wanna say that if there is a request I'm not comfortable or able to do, I will definitely inform said user that sent me the request,so if I haven't sent any to you it means I am working on your request (I'm just super slow on updates im sorry 😔) Okie that's it! thanks for reading and enjoy! ( ꈍᴗꈍ)

A Sense of Abandonment

Leona Kingscholar

- He wouldn't take it so kindly.

- In the first place,being able to get as intimate as you did with him was hard enough but now you wanted to break it all up?

- "Sure" Is what he'll say, and from how casual and nonchalant it sounded, it was as if he didn't really care, but what he's really saying is "Are you fucking kidding me?"

- If you thought being his partner brought out his predatory possessiveness, you should think otherwise.

- Any other male getting near you was an offense to him now, and he doesn't hesitate to make his aggression known.

- He still acts like you're his and every single time you tell him off for it, he gives you that dull expression of his.

- Leona conflicts you.

- He says he doesn't care, acts cold to you, but then you confront him and and he just toys with your temper

- He's hurt and you've wounded his pride more than it already was before

- Of course you won't be forgiven so easily nor would he be able to forget you

- The way you always seemed to bring out his softer side, and how genuine you were with everything you did for him.

- How did it end up like this? How could he have lost something so valuable without being able to fight for it?

- The breakup leads to a deep rooted frustration for Leona, and before he gets over it, it's going to be a turbulent ride. For both parties.

Jack Howl

- This young pup would be both confused and extremely hurt.

- "Why?" Would be his first reaction to it and even when you try to tell him it wasn't anything personal, he'll see it as him failing to make the relationship work

- He'll put it in his mind that he wasn't good enough and that he had neglected your needs as a partner

- Jack is still rather protective over you but he doesn't really talk or even get near you like he would used to do before the break up

- He'll do a lot of self reflecting and even attempt to get back together, Though he'd see if you were comfortable with it of course

- Unlike Leona, he doesn't hold a grudge against you but whenever you're mentioned near him, Jack's expression turns hard and the heartbreak starts all over again as if it happened yesterday

- It's just a lot of confusion for this young male, and talking it out is the last thing he does because honestly,he doesn't know what to say

- He loved you, still does, but you didn't want to be with him anymore and there was nothing he could do to change it.

- Eventually,he moves on and realizes that in life not everything you love stays with you, but as long as he sees you happy and well, he's satisfied and doesn't disturb your social life or try to include himself in it

- Acceptance is hard but Jack learns to embrace it on his own and sees your falling out with him as a lesson for the next time he gets into a relationship.

Idia Shroud

- It wasn't really a surprise. He was expecting it.

- After all, someone as vibrant as you being with someone as dull as him? It was impossible from the beginning

- So Idia just nods and doesn't even spare a glance as you walked out the door.

- He was expecting it,so it doesn't affect him at all.

- Or so he thought.

- He's online and playing games as he always spends his time when his eyes shift to the one corner of the screen,where messages would pop out and there's one left unread.

- It's your name and it was sent a few weeks before the breakup.

- He's staring at it blankly, not even realising that his hand on the mouse drifts towards it and opens the message.

- [ "Oh my god, I didn't see the message icon until today lmaoo, HI IDIAAAAA." ]

- His chest caves in and for a moment, he doesn't know why he couldn't breath all of a sudden, or why his vision seemed to blur.

- He pushes away from his computer, hands trembling as it clutches his chest.

- Everything hurts.

- He wants to scream but when his mouth opens, nothing but a breathless gasp escapes him and Idia falls to the floor. His figure crumbled and hunched over.

- He can't fucking breath for God's sake,was he dying?

- Ortho finds the blue flamed male desperately trying to compose himself, and the first time he reaches out to touch him, Idia screams.

- "Get the fuck away from me!"

- It's shaky and harsh,almost a grating sound and it makes the younger boy flinch.

- Idia's eyes are just a pool of sorrow and once it fixes on Ortho, they seem to lose their colour.

- "Why..?" He murmurs, gasping for air. When he slams the ground with his fist, the room seemingly tilts and Idia's crying fills in the silence.

- Ortho comforts his brother, quietly listening to his sobs and senseless blabber.

- He keeps repeating the same questions

- "Why?"

- "Wasn't I good enough?"

- "Why didn't I stop her?"

- It's a combustion of anger and sorrow, and poor Idia doesn't handle it well. It was hard enough confronting his emotions when you came to confess to him, but now, you were gone and he was supposed to just be okay with it?

- He doesn't want to hate you, a part of him still hopes for the day you'd come back to him, but each time he somehow passes by you or even hear your name, he feels like burning the entire place down. So he will always find a way to avoid you.

- Idia doesn't even try to talk it out with you or entertain the thought of just being friends. He can't cope with it, thus it's best he did what you did which is go his own way without looking back.

- Ortho gets him back on track by distracting him with either work or new ideas for inventions, and as time passes on, Idia learns to not let his occasional heartbreak bother him as much

- Though a second relationship isn't something he'd dive right into, he might even reject the idea of love all together. But could you really blame him?

Ruggie Bucchi

- Ruggie wished he hadn't gotten so attached in the first place

- He should've known you were going to ditch him soon enough, everyone leaves behind dirt after all.

- He'll play it off like he never took the relationship seriously but it leaves a serious wound on him whether he admits it or not

- Like Idia he tries not to hate you for choosing to leave him but that slight tinge of hurt and betrayal he feels whenever you send him a smile and wave to him as if you didn't just crushed his heart ticks him off

- Ruggie just can't stand to be in the same room as you and whenever people ask him about you, he'll be quick to make the relationship seem like a joke to him

- He doesn't want to go to you and beg you to give him a second chance but he's grinding his teeth when he sees other guys get close to you

- Ruggie's heartbreak comes with Jealousy and anyone trying to take a chance with you is going to find themselves falling over their feet (literally), he'll use his unique magic and make you unapproachable to other guys, anything to make you feel as miserable as him

- There's times when he tries to figure out what went wrong or how he could've made you stay but then the frustration of it all would just lead back to only one solution; No one would wanna end up with a street rat like him.

- To say he'll move on is just another way of saying that as long as he doesn't have to stay inside the same social space as you he'll act like the relationship didn't even exist

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

anyone wanna hear the story of how i found out supernatural was ending and proceeded to have the worst morning of my life?

(super-excessive rambling ahead. do not read the whole of it.)

so i don't remember the date but it was the day of my english 10th board exam. boards are like a series of subject finals, kinda the biggest exams conducted in a student's education in india, plus they're nationalized. so yeah, a massively big deal, and obviously the first thing i do waking up on this massively important day is open tumblr. there are about seventy messages and i'm confused cause i think i barely "talked" to ten people back then, but before i've even checked them out, the first post i see is a textpost about how the longest running joke universally across fandoms is that 'spn has been going on way too long and needs to end' but now that it is ending, all people can do is cry about it. for some reason, i don't process that post as fact™, assuming they mean a general "ending" instead of a "j2m announced last season" ending. anyways i move on to my messages, and all of them are people who've freaking the fuck out for at least a few hours (the advantages of being in a timezone different from of most people) and i go to my activity, still stunned, and someone's tagged me in a meta of some kind, and i check it out completely dazed and it's got gifs (already!) of the three of them standing there with teary eyes and jensen actually saying the words everyone had been screaming about in the chats, and it finally hits me that it's ending, supernatural is ending, it's going to be OVER, and it's already been decided when. obviously, the tears start, and literally crying in my bed, still under the comforter, i think i watched the video twice, without headphones in fact, which is extremely weird because i virtually NEVER do that, but as if anything else mattered at the moment!

i don't remember what all i felt in those moments but one of the thoughts that REALLY stood out was that i wish, wish, wish it lasted just one more year — so maybe supernatural could end at the same time as highschool ended for me, and it'd feel like the end of a phase of my life, but no, according to what they predicted (and not even kidding, now it's even worse) supernatural was going to end smack in the middle of senior year for me, obviously a super important, super stressful year, and god, i wished so hard it'd just go on ONE MORE YEAR somehow but look what happened now it's ending like three months before my college entrance exams and the competitive engineering exams and shit which is just absolutely perfect because it's doing wonders to my attention span and mental health and yeah i'm getting off topic i'm gonna come back to the topic now

it's two am rn and i'm weirdly tired of typing so what happens next is fucking wild, but i'm gonna hurry because i need to go cry some more into a pillow or a ao3 tab or something. so like a whole HOUR later i get up from bed. i've got to get dressed and shit, most important exam of my life YET and everything. so i start brushing, obviously scrolling through tumblr, obviously failing to not cry, and my mum walks in, and she doesn't know a thing about supernatural (even if she did, she would consider the idea of me crying over them announcing an ending RIDICULOUS) so she just assumes i'm sniffling and tensed up because i'm STRESSED and she tries reassuring me like i need fucking reassurance for ENGLISH of all things. anyway anyway anyway i have maggi for breakfast i think and i'm still pretty out of it and stuff but i get dressed in my uniform and put on the fucking blazer though its HOT outside but i like wearing the school blazer for exams but i underestimated how much of a physically draining effect the news and reacting to it would have on me, so then there's me sweating literal buckets and then we set off.

we're already late in leaving the house (why, i don't remember) and once we're at the centre, and my parents have dropped me off and wished me luck, i go to the gate, right. and THEN the guard gestures to my uniform and tells me i'm missing my fucking class ID. now i know i'm late so i panic on cue because shit shit shit i'm gonna be even more late, and i legit turn and look for mum and dad (we weren't allowed to carry our mobiles for the test) and what i see is that they've reversed the car and are about to drive out the gate and obviously my brain isn't really working so i fucking RUN AFTER THE CAR, like, i'm really not an athletic person, i avoid running as much as i possibly can, and i fucking lose my shit and chase the car down in like ten seconds of running cause it's only like ten metres away actually but the highlight of it all is that i run. in a public space. unprompted. with a shitload of emotions and anxiety and panic, and i basically almost sob in relief when dad immediately stops the car and pretty much pulls me in and tells me to stop worrying cause the house is like ten minutes away and i might miss the general waiting part and stuff but i wasn't gonna miss the exam. so THEN we start driving back and obviously because they are who they fucking are, they start arguing about which of them is at fault for this and who was supposed to check in on me carrying my seriously important ID and other crap, and then obviously they're yelling and that does even more wonders for my state of practically hysteria, but i hold it together until we get home and i get the ID (which is on the bed, probably was under my blazer or something) and we set back off, and i know we're late, and i know supernatural is ending, and i know it's going to take a part of me really, and mum and dad just won't stop yelling at each other about god knows what, and i manage to squeeze in the first time in SO many years that i cry in front of my parents right there in the backseat, and they're sort of stunned because i really don't cry (in front of people) and then there's just me losing it in a mixture of helplessness and nerves and anger for some reason and just. whoa.

ANYWAYS we get to the centre (in time for the exam, but like fifteen minutes later than i SHOULD have gotten there) and dad talks to the teacher and stuff and it works out because obviously it's a really important exam they're not going to make me skip it, and i go straight to my classroom — also did i mention these exams aren't held in our own schools but like, different test centres, so basically a different room and desk each day in a different school from mine, ugh, i hate new places — and i find out i have the FIRST bench of the second column which lowkey sucks because it's too public really, but at least my best friend's sitting like diagonally from me on the left, and my friends are basically sprinkled around the classroom as well and i see them eyeing me worriedly cause they were scared i might miss the exam but also because i was a MESS with bloodshot eyes and an outofit look in them and did i mention i was sweating like a dog all this time wearing a blazer because i'm just that idiot because yeah.

so then i calm myself down the best i can. sitting under a fan helps, taking off my stupid blazer helps, and seeing dish (beforementioned best friend) helps — because apparently she heard about the ending too (she's not in the fandom she just keeps up with news for my sake, yes, im very lucky to have her) and tries to cheer me up about it, but then it's time for the paper, and they give them out and...yeah.

three hours later, the exam ends, and i step out of that hall the most mentally exhausted i've been in YEARS. also i swear off tumblr until i've had lunch and napped and stuff because i was also functioning on extremely little sleep but i really think that part was obvious.

as it goes, i ended up getting a 95% in that paper :)

but to this date, my sister jokes about how i ended up getting my personal least marks of that year in english of all subjects which was supposed to be of my strongest suit heh all because of a six-ish minute video released in a different part of the world about something that wasn't even going to happen that year...and like. yeah.

that's it.

that's the story.

[inkperch]

V8E13 Thoughts- Just OUCH.

Ok, so, this one is me live tweeting my second watching, cause there is no way in FUCKING HELL Im being coherant otherwise HOLY CRAP.

Jaune’s motion sickness coming up again is fun. The evacuation plan is pretty smart tbh. Ren’s fuCKING SMILE- if I didn’t ship Renora b4 this, I’d ship it now. Also, Nora can ride her hammer like a broom now, and its so casual Im genuinely trying to remeber if Im just being dumb and she could always do that? The subway scene is f-ing hilarious, but I can’t help but feel like they were intentionally being more cartoon-y than usual cause of the shit that happens later.

Everyones wonder at the portals is just *chefs kiss*. Especially May’s ‘figured you wouldn’t let us down!’- shes awesome, strong contender in the ‘probably only here for one arc+cameos’ best girl contest. Ilia’s still winning, but May’s a strong 2nd place. Really don’t like how fast Ruby gets back to mission mode tho- girl, let yourself appreciate the pretty golden bridges ffs, you definitely don’t by the end of the episode.

And I love how the biggest problem was something they just... couldn’t predict. The sandstorm wasn’t a fault in their plan, it wasn’t a villainous scheme, it just happened.

I swear Cinder’s the animation teams favourite, her expressions are always 100% spot on. And RWBY squaring up, altogether again, is badass. 

And just- the way she’s still super shaken? But comes up with a perfect plan regardless? Wow. Like- she took exactly what needed taking from Watt’s speech, how to get Neo back on board and, as we see later, exactly what to tell Watts to get him on her side. V1-3 Cinder’s back guys, and she’s more dangerous than ever.

And Jinn’s moment of hesitation before answering Cinder is great- Jinn may be a solid True Neutral, but she still doesn’t particularly want to doom Ruby’s plan. She knew exactly what answering the question would lead to, after all.

Actually- Hey, Jinn seems to get linked to Ruby like, a lot. Obviously Ruby was the first person we saw ask her a question and, while Yang got them the lamp, Ruby was the one carrying it all the way to Atlas pretty much. And then theres the big, obvious one- when the Spirit of Knowledge admits your clever, your clever. Food for thought.

Cinder’s troubled response to seeing Emerald- seriously, animation team popped off this season. And the fucking SOUNDTRACK DISSONANCE! It sounds like something out of a ballet, and then we’re shown them casually enter a room full of people and seal the door- then cut to a room full of corpses. Without so much as a blip in the happy, airy music. Cause really what’s changed? Everything’s coming up Cinder! (also, Neo beating a survivor around the head got a guilty laugh, I’ll admit.)

The #1 Dud mug hit different.

And Robyn’s spitting facts. Marrow is the best, wasn’t sold on him, then he went and did this. Also, FUCK HARRIET. Saving her own ass so she can go doom Mantle. Didn’t even fuckin TRY to wait for Wacky Tube Man and Adult Nora. And Robyn’s face- ok, fine, I’ll shut up about the animation team. No I won’t, but I’m running out of creative ways to say they’re awesome.

Also, fuck Jaques! I was fucking CACKLING when Ironwood shot him! Just- fuckign hell, I know it shows just how far he’s fallen, willing to execute a prisoner who, even in the case of escape is harmless now, but also, it’s Jaques, the guy’s a fucking hate sink for a reason, best choice Ironwood’s made all season! I guess it’s pretty clear he’s dead now huh?

Also- Cinder keeping the attention off of Neo- like, I only noticed it here but holy crap, Cinder isn’t lying in her speech- this is great teamwork, and it’s the kind of teamwork Cinder excels at- she makes some form of spectacle that furthers her goals, then uses it as a distraction for an even bigger part of her goals- we first saw it at Beacon. Like I said, Cinder’s back~ rip any redemption arc tho, she’s just better at being worse- it’s actually a really, really good villain arc, without becoming a redemption arc and I love it.

And then, Yang’s sacrifice- ok, like the Penny one I’d had this mildly spoiled for me. Unlike the Penny one, I had 0 hope of her getting out of this intact. Because as soon as there was that black screen, I knew Yang was fucked- cause, remember what other scene we saw shot like this? Close up of Yang’s face, then she activates her semblance and throws herself forward? All because someone she loves is in danger? Yeah, I was having big V3 flashbacks at this point, so I knew Yang wasn’t gonna be ok.

Also, something I didn’t notice until rewatch, but the reason Blakes the only one fast enough to react is cause Ruby’s on the floor. Kinda neat attention to detail. First watch I just joked to myself her reaction times shit.

And Blake just missing- wow. Fucking OUCH. She’s probably having V3 thoughts too. And just generally the way this is framed- just fucking OUCH. The heartbeat sound, the black frames, the slowmow- just OUCH. Speaking of OUCH, that ‘YAAAANG!’. Like. Excellent voice acting (and animation, again, seriously wow.) And the FUCKING ECHO! Just- OUCH. That’s just a summary of this whole scene, just fucking OUCH.

Also, as we learn later, if Yang had fallen a second later, Penny would’ve been through the portal before she could react. Think about that for a second- Penny would’ve gone through the portal, guilty about leaving her friends behind to fight, only to her a heartbroken cry of ‘Yang!’ literally as she stepped through- only to realise she can’t go back.

Also, RUBY IS NOT OK. GIVE RUBY A FUCKING HUG. HER SISTER JUST DIED AND BEFORE SHE CAN PROCESS THAT, SHE HAS TO FIGHT FOR HER FUCKING LIFE AGAINST THE PERSON YANG JUST DIED TO SAVE HER FROM. Seriously, give Ruby a fucking break holy shit. That quiet ‘Yang?’ and then she is immediately back in mission mode? O U C H.  

Also, Neo is smiling in that fight, wow, holy shit- wait, theres the other V3 scene this gave me Deja Vu to, it’s the fucking Roman fight! Neo just did to Ruby what Ruby did to Neo, but flipped- she ‘ring out’ed Yang to her death, when Ruby ‘ring out’ed Neo and then ‘killed’ Torchwick. Wow, holy crap.

And, again, ANIMATION TEAM OUCH. Seriosly, why are they so good at animating sobbing? Also, cute detail with Weiss holding Blake back. Don’t know why I’m calling it cute, nothing here is cute, holy shit, this episode is ouch. And the fucking anger, it’s so well animated holy fuck. And Neo refusing to even fight Blake, cause Ruby’s her target- yeah, that’s gonna fuck both them up. I am not looking forward to the end of these fight scenes- and seriously? Was this what Yang having her back turned in the OP was foreshadowing???

Weiss vs Cinder is awesome- Weiss has been on good form when it comes to winning fights again this season. Helps that, other than the ones who can fly, she’s in the best position to fight here what with her glyphs and all.

Penny trying to draw her swords and not got a laugh out of me, I’ll admit. To be fair, I was laughing at anything and everything at that point, cause they just fuckin killed Yang. Also, Rip Penny’s feet, imagine the friction burns? Like, ignoring how shes running around barefoot rn, i m a g i n e the friction burns from getting thrown like that with no shoes. Whole different kind of ouch.

And, Ok, so, are Penny’s swords made of rocks? Because they don’t look particularly rock-y. They look like something out of TRON tbh, don’t really seem Maiden-y to me. 

Weiss protecting everyone with her sword is badass. Blake being forced to chose between protecting everyone, and murdering Neo is heartbreaking just- 

This fuckING FRAME!

Also, yeah, FUCK HARRIET. Also, Robyn ramming them had me fucking cackling so hard- just, like, Wacky arms guy almost, almost talked some sense into her (Not really, or she wouldn’t go back on it so quickly, but almost), meanwhile in the other jet, Robyn ain’t letting anyone kill her people. Especially not mid-evacuation, that’s just a dick move. FUCK HARRIET. And like... was Harriet into Clover? I’m reading that right, right? Cause like... that’s some yikesy foreshadowing on the back of YANG GETTING KILLED OFF.

But also, still, FUCK HARRIET. Qrow throwing himself through the windshield was 10/10, would fight intro again. And Arthur finished his apple before hyjacking the bomb.

And then, the Winter scene. Is Ironwood just in a Schnee- killing mood? Ironwood’s speech is... honestly, heart-breaking. He is the definition of a fallen hero. If he wasn’t blinded by paranoia and driven to rely on no-one but himself and a very select few, would he still have come believe he was the only one who anyone could trust? Because that’s, ultimately, what has brought him here- he doesn’t think he can trust anyone but himself, and so, he must be the only one who can save Atlas, right?

And Winter’s FUCKING RESPONSE- ‘I’ve never wavered in fighting the enemies of this kingdom... and I won’t start now.’ No emotion, no hesitation, no anything. Just resolve. Made even more badass by how clearly pained she is- and like, I don’t mean emotionally, that’s cool too, I mean that she’s physically in pain, but still won’t even hesitate to fight the guy who took a whole team to fight in a sneak attack last episode. And Ironwood’s response... I really can’t praise the animation team enough.

And then there’s the other side of the portal- Ren is MVP ngl, that’s a stupid amount of people he sheilded for a stupid amount of time, all on his own.

Ok, so, next week’s big fights. RWBP vs Cinder and Neo inside the bridge world, Qrow vs Harriet, with plane assists from Robyn and who the fuck knows from Wacky arms man in the atlas/mantle set for the last time probably. Winter vs Ironwood. And Oscar, Emerald and a half-dead Ren vs a massive, massive crowd of Grimm all while doing an escort mission.

...I’m not going on Youtube for a week.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-05-19

Figured an upd8 was coming, it’s felt like enough time has passed for one.

Huh, looking at my last post I’d completely forgotten I was supposed to play through Pesterquest sometime... work is busy and stressing me out a bit, I’m not sure when I’ll have the energy on the side to do that.  (Maybe I’ll livetweet it like I did Undertale a while ago, but this time not looking at my twitter replies so I don’t get spoiled by One Guy™?)

Also, including bonus commentary on A Threat Sensed.

Okay, going in completely blind.  I’d guessed from context that we’re hopping over to Meat side to get a chapter there before we can come back to actually see Yiffy?

Yep.  Okay, what is this about exactly?

(Agh, dammit, I’ve been copying and pasting so much at work remoting into Windows lately that now I’m automatically trying to hit control-C instead of command-C to copy.)

> CHAPTER 9. How Goes The Eulogizing, Dear?

CONTENT NOTE: This chapter contains Child Abuse.

Which one???

Wait

JANE: (Where is he?) JANE: (It's a question I've found myself asking many times in recent days.)

Holy SHIT we get two Candy chapters in a row???  So we might see her right away??  No, it’s gotta just be another tiny glimpse.

(Has two Candy chapters in a row happened before?  Future Boots, scroll back up and put this here. FUTURE BOOTS: “I forgot to scroll back up and put that here.” EDIT: Also, not the first time with two in a row, but it IS the first time with THREE in a row, huh.)

So Jane has to be talking about either Tavros or Dave.  --Oh, if this was a Candy Side chapter title, I guess Rose or Jade is eulogizing Dave for John?

> (==>)

JANE: (Where now is our merry savior?) JANE: (Where is the horn that was honking?) JANE: (Where is the cape and the codpiece, and the...) JANE: (The...) JANE: (Oh, fiddlesticks.)

What?  Is she reading a childrens’ book?  --Oh.  She’s eulogizing Gamzee.  So that gives us a third option, where the rebellion crashes the funeral somehow, probably audiovisually rather than in person.  (Which would make sense, given Candy practically began with Gamzee crashing Dirk’s funeral.)

> (==>)

Ah never mind, she’s still writing it.

That sure is a single button drama-remote that’s going to be pressed at some point.  Oh, and who the fuck keeps a spork in a pen cup???  --No no, don’t say it’s one of those pens with a spork at the eraser end, either ready-made or rubber-banded to the side.  That would make sense.  You totally know it isn’t that and is just a spork.

JANE: (Okay, poetry is out.) JANE: (What else?) JANE: (Hrm...) JANE: (I've always been pretty good at crying on cue.) JANE: (Could I try staging an emotional breakdown?) JANE: (That could work; playing to people's humanity.)

Why were you crying in Jake’s arms about his death if you didn’t care that much?  Did you just want him to hold you and kinda make him feel in on things again?  Or did you just cry yourself out about him?

JANE: (Or whatever is the more inclusive term.)

I bet the rest of Earth C figured out a more inclusive term millenia ago FUCK I accidentally added millennia to my dictionary misspelled instead of correcting it hold on--

...There, killed the entry for it.  ...Huh.  Take a look at my Chrome dictionary’s custom-added words over the years, apparently:

Caliborn Eridan Kanaya Matriorb Meenah Tavros alchemiter dichotomic nephilim reblogged uncaptchalogues uncaptchaloguing

That’s fun.

Okay back to reading. Millennia.  Phew!  Where was I.

JANE: (One really good and calculated weep could do it, I think.) JANE: (But then there's the danger that I might get carried away and do it for real.) JANE: (And I can't risk that.)

So still feeling something, just too used to calculating over the past years.

JANE: (What can I say about him that will stir up their emotions?) JANE: (Do I mention the stuff about the milk?) JANE: (Think Crocker, think.)

WHY would you-- how much did Gamzee normalize adult breastfeeding?!

JAKE: Ahoy over there!

Not the best time.

(The thing with the divorce papers from the Epilogue and John implying he was planning with Jake to execute something that sounds like a divorce... is that going to be sprung here?  Did her lawyers send the divorce papers way back when she was in a fit of pique, and he just had them available to sign now at the tactical moment? Or... let me pull the exact text...)

JOHN: now, harry anderson, i know that you and tavros haven't always gotten along. JOHN: but i am going to have to ask you to try and look out for him for the time being. JOHN: your uncle jake and i... well, i'll explain later. JOHN: let's just say that gamzee isn't the only family member jane is losing today.

(So is John going to submit the papers? Or did they already go through a while ago and default custody to John or something who’s going to adopt him too or some nonsense?  And did he plan this out with Jake NOW, or a while ago, and if only a while ago, is Jake going to KNOW whatever John’s about to pull in that respect is about to happen??)

> (==>)

Butte

Janepalme

> (==>)

JAKE: Er... how goes the eulogizing, dear?

Gah.  I completely forgot again that capitalized-first-letter chapter names don’t mean KANAYA is saying them.  That probably makes a lot more sense out of my wondering about the chapter title earlier to those of you who didn’t realize I was making that mistake.

JANE: It turns out that it's mighty difficult to find touching things to say about a person, the relationship with whom was predicated on deep-seated mutual loathing.

Hah!

--A loathing you regarded as largely more important to you than Jake ever was, by the way.  You asshole.

JANE: I imagine this is one of the reasons no funerary tradition was ever established on Alternia, besides the barbarism of their culture. DIRK: Jesus christ. JANE: Not only did a significant proportion of their interpersonality depend on romance in the form of hatred, but it was a society based on cruelty and violence. JANE: What reason could they have had to provide for the dead? JANE: What kind of last rites could they have even imagined?

I wondered for a moment why (bg!)Dirk of all people would react to a single line of her starting to bring up prejudices, but then I realized that (1) Brain Ghost Dirk is a little more Jakey, and (2) Dirk knew that more ranting would follow the first line.

JANE: I can't think of anything good to write about him because deep down, I hated his guts. JANE: But he was and is beloved of the multitude, so I have to think of something regardless. JAKE: Im not sure i understand. JANE: Don't worry your pretty little head about it. JANE: This is politics, Jakey. JANE: Lying through your two front teeth about people you hate is about as good a definition as it's possible to get. JANE: But, by gum, is it tiring work.

Mm.  It’s a position Jane put herself in, but it’s still a legitimate position once you’re there.

JANE: The funeral is tomorrow, after all.

Got it.

DIRK: Dude, the bowl. JAKE: Hm? JAKE: Oh, right. JANE: What is it now, Jake. JAKE: I brought something for our guest as well. JANE: You mean the prisoner. JAKE: Y...es.

Wait, bowl?

Oh god damnit which of you had the idea to feed her with a DOG BOWL.  Either of you could have thought of it, and either of you would be horrible for it.

> (==>)

Huh, that outfit on Yiffy looks familiar, like a reference to something.  And a black tail?  This definitely isn’t quite the look I was expecting from Jade Plus Rose, but I suppose the snazzy tie is a Roseish vibe.  Also reminiscent of Jade’s old Dead Shuffle dress.  Formal wear and soccer cleats??

JANE: She's over in the corner. JANE: Don't worry, she won't bite. JANE: I've seen to that already.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.  I don’t see anything over her mouth!  Did she stick something in it, or drug her?  File her fucking teeth???

I mean I did forget the Child Abuse trigger warning to be fair.  Hoping whatever would be on her mouth is just not shown in-panel yet for stylistic reasons.

> (==>)

JAKE: Its only mac and cheese, sorry. JAKE: Its all I know how to make, haha. JAKE: ... JAKE: I um... hope you can safely partake of cheese? JAKE: ... JAKE: Well, JAKE: Bon appetit.

How the fuck did Jake eat on his island then?  --Oh right, preserved food cans that Grandma Jade stored up, I think I remember.  Why would cheese not be a thing for them, if it’s fine for Jade?  I know he’s probably not just worried about lactose intolerance.

Either way, if she’s drugged here, that’ll mean we won’t get a good idea of her for a while, so which is it...

> (==>)

DIRK: Bon appetit. DIRK: Seriously dude? JAKE: (What? Did i pronounce it wrong?) DIRK: Jake. DIRK: You put the food in a fucking dog bowl. JAKE: (It was all there was, ok???) JAKE: (I feel awful enough as it is without you getting on my case about it.)

Ah, missed the bone pun.  AND, yeah, Jake, you’re a fucking idiot, you could have put it in a cup or something.

JAKE: (So far ive yet to see anything come of that brilliant plan of yours.) JAKE: (Are you sure sending that message to the others was enough?)

Okay, so he IS coordinating this slightly.

> (==>)

Horrifying image to contemplate, eh Jane?

Or anger-inducing?

> (==>)

Seems about right!

> (==>)

Oh that’s a GREAT exasperated Jane face.

JANE: I hope you're not expecting dessert, young lady.

I like how Jane didn’t notice, comment on, or care about the bowl.  How can you hate a kid so much??

> (==>)

Oh I know why I felt like I recognized the outfit style, it’s because it’s ANIME AS FUCK.  Feels like some Persona 4 Arena nonsense, and I say that not having played any of those games or even remembering what they looked like.  Also, white hair, black fur’d dog parts?  Nice change of pace.

YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR... JANE: Oh no you don't.

Red text?  What color exactly... “#D00009”?  Huh.  That’s nowhere near Alt-Callie’s #FF0000, and darker than Dave’s #E00707.  In fact, let me go back and check those spilled color pins the commentary pointed out from an update or two ago...  no, the red pin is #E63225, closer to Dave’s color.  (Also, is Yiffy blocking the doorway out?  That’s a pretty slack chain then.)

Did Jane see to it that she wouldn’t bite with like, a water spray bottle?

(EDIT: Oh my FUCKING GOD, THAT's why it's #D00009...)

> (==>)

FUCK I didn’t notice the shock collar in the Yiffy image!  FUCK YOU, Jane.

> (==>)

Keeping someone in line with collars, especially ones that punish whenever one strays out of line, has always been a decent way for her to mix in some Doomy control of others to show how she’s “grown” to balance her main role and her Tiara-controlled-like inverse for more power.  Doom in part represents boundaries that you can’t cross without getting hurt or punished.

> (==>)

FUCK, those little buck teeth!?  D’:

JANE: That's more like it.

She HAS to have more of a reason for hating her than hating her parents, right?  Like, more than that and general racism applying to partdogfolk?

> (==>)

Hey fuck off with that!

> (==>)

This is a pretty cool ima-- are those piercings on her dog ear?  I didn’t notice that in the first shot, neat.

JANE: You've been a thorn in my side ever since I agreed to enroll you at the academy, little madam. JANE: Back then, I was doing a favor for two old friends who made a disgusting mistake. JANE: I'm no longer going to play nice with you just because of your parents, however. JANE: That truce is over. JANE: Do I make myself understood?

What the fuck?  WHY would you do that?  Why does Jane run "Ms. Paint’s Home for Inconvenient Girls”?  What did Yiffy do to piss her off so much there, how much trouble could she have caused?

I don’t know if she’s referring to the behind-Kanaya’s-back part as disgusting or she’s just being MORE racist.

> (==>)

JANE: We don't want you passing out during the ceremony, do we?

Oh, just showing the hostage off during the clown funeral, huh?  Classy much?

> (==>)

JANE: Now, be a good hostage and get some rest, Yiffany dear. JANE: We've got a big day tomorrow.

For a politician, Jane’s not good at looking at herself in a mirror.

> (==>)

JANE: Night night. JANE: Hoo hoo.

> (Yiffy: Lights out.)

Huh, dream stuff is gonna be relevant out in Candy then? *click*

Okay, dark background all of a sudden.  Properly dramatic?  You even have to highlight the non-link “>” part of the Next link to see it.

> (==>)

-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG] --

Well, I don’t know WHY it’s happening, but the white-backed pesterlog suddenly on the dark site framing is certainly evocative.  Of like, a mood, or something.

TG: i thought he was pretty quiet down there. TG: we'll make a rebel of him yet! AG: Lol. AG: I think it's more that he can't sleep. AG: I know how he feels. TG: yeah. TG: today was a lot. AG: ... TG: do you wanna talk about it? AG: Ugh, not you as well.

It’s really jarring to transition between Homestuck’s “kids jarringly mentally resistant to freaking out about the end of the world” to HS^2′s more realistic “kids traumatized by their first firefight even though it was an overwhelming victory-escape”.

TG: but seriously, do you? AG: Not really. TG: not even about... you know? TG: her? AG: No. TG: ... are you sure? AG: A8solutely. AG: What are you, my moirail? AG: Just leave it, Harry. TG: ok.

Are they about to have an “I wonder what Yiffy’s like” talk?

> (==>)

Very similar Tav/Vrissy convo to the previous one.

GG: I havent ever shared a bedroom before,,, GG: Not even for a slumber party,,, AG: Tavvy, you are just a8out the saddest person I've ever met.

Well, we have an even better idea how horrible Jane can be with kids, now.  From Nanna to THIS is quite jarring.  I wonder how the double Nannasprites that must still be around here somewhere feel?

> (==>)

TG: nothing about my dad is cute. TG: what are you even saying. AG: Lmao. TG: seriously! TG: i think he has something against that word, even. he gets super weird about it. AG: He's a strange and funny m8n. TG: yeah. TG: ... TG: i think something bad must have happened.

...um.  What?  Why would John have some sort of trauma about the word cute or being called it?

Did John dress up as a hint of his buried June ambitions as a kid and Dad lavish him with “SO CUTE” praise in an epic supportiveness backfire that caused him to shelve the idea of wearing non-masc clothes and being happier on the flipside of gender ever again???  Because if that’s how June gets canonized as promised, it’s a little harsher than the back of my mind was hoping.  I guess it kind of had to be though from the premise of how it was read into his childhood for the original idea, though.  Fuck, I hope this Cute business is about something different from that (like a Terezi reference or such) just to get less John Sads.  (But still June.  Definitely still want to get June.)

> (==>)

Oh, and now Vrissy is doing nothing but talking about what she said she didn’t want to talk about, of course.  (Also I like how JANE’s now being called the Batterwitch.)

AG: And the worst part was they didn't even fight a8out it! AG: That made me madder than 8nything else. AG: It felt like I was the only person who even W8S mad! GG: I dont think thats true,,, AG: What would you know a8out it?! GG: Maybe nothing,,, GG: Sorry,,, GG: Its just,,, GG: To me,,, all the way through the conversation,,, aunt kanaya looked even angrier than you,,, AG: ... AG: Adults are so fucking weird.

Guh, I don’t want to be reminded how hurt a good chunk of the fanbase is by Kanaya getting hurt this badly.

Original Tavros was always SLIGHTLY perceptive of others sometimes, but maybe perceptiveness is being hinted at as a Tavros specialty?  We still don’t know his classpect/hero-title or have any firm guesses based on purely him evidence.  (Also, frightened kids of abusive households tend to learn to get perceptive pretty fucking quickly I hear.)

> (==>)

TG: dad was sitting in the cafeteria with aunt jade and your moms. TG: it looked like they were discussing something important... they were whispering and stuff.

[etc etc] Alright, the what-happened-to-Dave bit.  And I imagine they’re kind of helping John grieve there, since Rose and Jade have talked that out already.

TG: aunt kanaya's was the only face i could see. TG: she was standing next to them, but she wasn't looking at what was going on. TG: almost like she couldn't bear to. AG: I doubt it. Kanaya's got a8out as much Emotivity as a very reclusive stone. TG: ok, i think that is bullshit but whatever. TG: she saw me standing there, but didn't say anything. she just shook her head slightly, and pointed back out into the hallway i came down.

Yep, giving them some space to grieve.  Also-- gosh, shouldn’t Vrissy have the same emotive senses that Aranea implied Vriska shared with her?  Kanaya isn’t that EXPRESSIVE but she’s certainly full of emotion.  Also, I hope part of her not bearing to watch wasn’t lingering anger toward Jade and Rose mixing with that, but there probably was a bit of that too, though Dave being gone is so much harsher than that. --I just realized they might not have broken the news to Karkat yet, either.

AG: I guesadxcxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz TG: vrissy?

Put to sleep by someone slumping down on your phone keypad, or surprised by something about the other conversation?

Oh shit, “other conversation” reminded me I didn’t look at Tavros’s chumhandle:

glutinousGymnast [GG]

HHHHHhhhhuh.  Hm... huh? hhhh.  huh?  what, but.  Why would.  ?????

I really don’t understand what that chumhandle or any of its entendres should signify in this context.

Also, this means for our new four kids we have TG, GG, AG, and ??.

> (==>)

GG: I think she might have succumbed to sleep quite suddenly,,, GG: It would explain the,,,,,, interesting messages I've been getting for a while,,, TG: hehe. TG: i guess that tracks. TG: she does that from time to time.

That’s... strange.  Homestuck’s taught us to be suspicious of that.

TG: ... TG: tav? GG: Yes,,, harry anderson,,,? TG: what does it feel like to know someone who's died?

Who is Harry referring to? (EDIT: Yes I know Gamzee for Tavros, but I meant Harry talks like he's worried he'll have to feel that way soon?)  Is he just kind of inferring that something bad might have happened to Uncle Dave?  Got that perceptive “parents are about to tell me about a death in the family” vibe?  Or did he overhear more than he let on to Vrissy?

...alright, that’s the last page of this update.  Looks like this chapter is going to continue to have a good bunch of grieving, or talk around it.

---

Now for Bonus Commentary for A Threat, Sensed.  For some reason I have a dim memory of like... reading this myself without commenting on it?  Or skimming it?  But I’m pretty sure I didn’t do that.  Weird.  Must have imagined doing it.

Ah, I think I saw the opening paragraph scrolling Patreon, and my mind kinda filled in the blanks, this is still looking new to me.

Okay, mostly banter and japes in the commentary here.  About Dirk “throwing a huge tantrum in his philosophy cave”.

We’ve had quite a bit of speculation on whether this is “really” Andrew. To that, I think we’d say that it doesn’t “really” matter.

Really?  That was speculated about?  :/

Here we discover that Dirk has not, as some people have speculated, been directly intervening into the Candy timeline, or influencing it in any way. In fact, he has a very hard time seeing anything going on there at all.

Mhmm, and that was a pretty important thing to learn.

A couple of years ago I might have agreed with the take that everything happening in Candy is simply too outlandish to ever happen naturally, without direct, villainous interference, but that was before literally every fucking batshit insane thing that has happened on Real Life Earth started going down, and now I will believe literally anything. 

This is a nice bit of distraction from the idea that at least the opening parts of the Candy story were written/narrated by Original, Alive Calliope over on meat side.  To refresh your memory of what was pointed out to me:

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls TEREZI: WH4T? ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise ROXY: some of it is like ROXY: weird and violent?? ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um ROXY: nudity???? TEREZI: >:? ROXY: yeah yikes ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

Which tracks with the initial out-of-character-seemingness of almost everyone at the start of Candy, and how they kind of tried to railroad things back onto the “Happy??” track after Dirk derailed it with his weird self-accumulation suicide, along with some of the flowery-idyllic descriptions of characters seeing each other bathed in a halo of light and such.

Of course, they’re not going to out-and-out STATE that Calliope was at fault for that narration, helping the Candy story not necessarily fall out the way it did “naturally”, until we finally get a glimpse of her on the heroes’ ship in Meat probably still painting the continuing Candy events, inspiring them into the void of the singularity with her latent powers.  Til then, it’s a bit of misdirection whenever the topic is to be brought up.  Along with a mix of Roxy’s late-Candy point to John of more or less “why COULDN’T we have done this naturally? you don’t know”.

He might even think that he has more direct power over the narrative than Hussie does himself. Surprise, motherfucker, you are a fictional character. 

:p

I’ll quote this next part in full:

There’s been talk of whether or not this bonus was written in the two days between its release and the Yiffy reveal chapter. The answer is--no. It was written over a month ago. But I think the things it addresses were not difficult to suss out. Obviously, Dirk is highlighting the issues that the readership are having with Yiffy, in his typical Dirk fashion. If it seems a little defensive, well...I suppose it is. Yiffy is one of the two hard lines drawn in the sand, and all of us love her, and we’re hoping that everyone else will love her too. But more than that, it focuses on the fact that update culture has a rhythm to it--shock, revulsion, acceptance (or not), and then excitement (or not). Will it follow that pattern this time? Who knows. I guess we’ll find out. 

Yeah, given what was going to be dropped on us I expected they would have had exactly this lined up, especially because Andrew specifically mandated Yiffy.  --I wonder why they aren’t mentioning that somewhere in the commentary and only on one of their Twitters?

Also quoting this:

There’s something both incredibly “cringe” and self-indulgent, as well as philosophically intriguing, about the author arguing with his villain, especially since he’s writing both halves of the conversation himself. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to solve a problem that you have created for yourself. You are looking an aspect of your personality in the eye and asking, hey, what the fuck, man?

But in the end, isn’t that what every story is? Trying to untie knots that you put in the rope yourself?

Since it’s part of the central struggle of this story, and kind of the question Andrew’s tried to imply with every Homestuck work about what right we have to keep these characters trapped in a story, and if they’d be better off escaping it.

I’m really trying to avoid quoting so much of this, since the commentary is paid...  but I think we can make an exception here?  I’ll have only quoted about half of it; just, the really plot-important half.  Plus, I left out a LOOOT of japes.

Dirk has a certain idea of how stories are supposed to go. That’s pretty much what the Epilogues is about. The audience also has a certain expectation of how a story is supposed to go. In a way, the Epilogues were also about that. They were taking a story that had reached the traditionally “acceptable” happily ever after, and saying, wait, no. What happens next? Thinking past happily ever after in any story is a terrifying prospect. Once Cinderella marries the prince, what then? Sure, she got what she wanted, but who knows that it will be everything she dreamt it would? What if she changes her mind, if not today, what about ten years from now? What if the prince dies of malaria? 

And I’m...

Yeah I don’t have anything else to add here, I’m kind of out of brain juice to think about this tonight.  BUSY day I had.  Y’all take care!

[blue-eyedangel21]

I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

[jj-ktae]

Erotica - Part 2 - (M)

Pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader Genre: SMUT Summary: You’re a rookie porn actress on the rise and everything goes well until you get offered a role in a big-budget porn movie, starring the most famous actor in the porn industry. Words: 4460 Warning: Read at your own risk

- Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Epilogue -

Part 2

The first day of filming ends the same way it started: cold. Jaebum doesn’t even talk to you when the director yells for the last time that day but it doesn’t annoy you.

You’d rather fuck yourself with sandpaper than become social with that cocky bastard. 

You’re grateful though, he doesn’t tease you as he gets out of bed, and simply grabs the bathrobe his manager hands him, before escaping the place.

He must feel so embarrassed for being whiny and asking to come like a virgin.

You chuckle victoriously when you arrive home.

After all, that Jaebum guy is just a plain, weak guy.

You find it hard to fall asleep, later that day. Your mother called you and you had to lie, like you’ve been doing for the last year. She thinks you’re a waitress, but never does she ask about details, merely asking if it’s going well.

You always assure her that everything is alright, and she feels happy when she hangs up, begging you to take care of yourself and not kill yourself with work. Sometimes, you’re glad your father is not around anymore to see what you became.

You wouldn’t bear to be a disgrace to him.

When you wake up, you want nothing more than go back to sleep.

❧

“So, today is about tenderness.” The director has the same stupid grin on his face, and you grunt when he starts explaining what he would like you to do. Jaebum nods from the side while a hairdresser is fixing the back of his already messy hair.

Also, his mouth is full of food.

You’re not in the mood for that, you don’t want to fuck with that guy again. It’s bad enough that you’re working as a porn actress.

It’s not like you don’t want it. No one forced you to do this, after all. It’s just that it’s easier to get money, and less painful than work as a waitress, which you tried already.

Funny enough, the sex industry in more respectful than most bars and nightclubs, and even though you couldn’t say you feel proud with your occupation, you somehow feel happy that you can earn money without working your ass off – no pun intended – and around people who take care of you.

Too bad your first big movie happens to be with the biggest jerk of all time.

“If you’re all ready, we’ll start in thirty minutes!” the director claps and starts giving instructions to the crew, while Jaebum turns around and leave the room, still followed by the hairdresser.

“Let’s go, Miss Y/N.” Your own staff nudges you gently toward the studio, claiming you need your makeup to be fixed before it’s time to start.

You sit back in front of the mirror and they are quick to work on you, tiny hands reaching for your face every now and then.

Jaebum is right next to you, focused on his phone while they add makeup on his undisturbed face.

You ignore him, not even glancing his way and focusing on the last minutes of preparation. You laugh when the makeup artist adds powder to your neck, claiming it tickled and they giggle back at you, looking so cute you wonder how they can work in the sex industry.

Once everything is done, you have only little time before it starts so you hurry to your dressing room, sighing to yourself.

“Can you stop being so childish?”

Jaebum’s voice makes you stop dead in your track, a hand still on the doorway. Did he just say what you think he said?

“Excuse me?” Only your head turns to meet the back his own, and you notice he isn’t even looking at you, too focused on playing on his phone.

“Be professional.” He adds and finally lifts his gaze. You’re greeted by his bored face, and his eyes are nothing but threatening.

Seriously, what’s wrong with him?

“I am professional.” You have nothing to say back to him. You know by now that he hates you, so there’s nothing you could say that would make him change his mind.

“It’s not a game. If you think we are all playing, then get the fuck out of here. You’re barely listening when the director speaks, you talk to the staff like they are your friends and you’re not involved in anything concerning that movie.” Jaebum gets up and almost throws his phone on the table, his hands reaching for his hips in a scolding manner. “Not everyone here came to play.”

You can’t believe it. Jaebum is throwing a fit because you don’t act the way he wants you to? “Think whatever you want, I honestly couldn’t care less of your opinion. Hate me all day and night.” You offer a fake smile, feeling proud for being responsible of the reaction Jaebum is giving you.

His jaw is so clenched it could break nuts.

“It has nothing to do with me hating you, no matter how much I do. I just find it unbelievable that I have to film with a spoiled brat who most probably got raised in a wealthy family and finds pleasure in doing something her parents would disinherit her for.” Jaebum voice gets lower and lower as he speaks, and you can see he finds pleasure in spitting this to your face.

But he doesn’t except you to react the way you do.

You don’t care about what he thinks of you, but you can’t accept the fact that he would talk about your personal life so carelessly. He has no idea how you grew up, he knows nothing about your past struggles, why you’re a porn actress, heck he doesn’t even know if you have parents. You hate it, you hate the fact that he would be so mean for basically no reason, just because he hates you.

“Listen, you can think whatever you want but don’t ever talk about my parents. Don’t you dare assume anything about them, understood?” Your face turns red from anger.

There’s only one thing you don’t play with and Jaebum so just happened to touch that thing with his dirty hands.

Jaebum smirks, and his shoulders shake from the annoying gesture, “Oh, maybe they already disinherited you? Is it why it hurts? This is the only thing you found so you could survive in this world? Easy money, right?” he adds and you take a deep breath.

Don’t, don’t go and slap him. He isn’t worth it.

You shake your head and don’t even understand why your throat is so clenched. Are you about to cry? He doesn’t even deserve you looking at his pathetic existence. 

“Since you desperately want to know: No, my family is not wealthy at all and the only thing I would inherit of are debts. I’m sorry if I’m breaking the wonderful picture you had drawn of my family, but it’s only me and my mother, because my father died when I was barely a teenager. And of course it’s easy money, you dumbass.”

You’re about to go but then the thought hits you, and you turn around, ready to roar at him. “Why would I even become a porn star in the first place if not for my mother who needs my fucking money to survive? Do you even do this because you want to? You’re even sicker than I thought. Don’t ever talk to me again.” You finally give up and go to your dressing room, your heart beating so fast it almost hurts.

You can’t believe your luck.

❧

You don’t get how you end up being hated by this guy and the thought is very troubling because you wanted this to work well. You were stressed already by the fact that it was your first big movie, but no, god wants you to suffer.

You’re supposed to be asleep, wearing only a tank top and thin black cotton panties. You’re laying by your side when the director yells.

ACTION!

You stay on your side, focused on ignoring Jaebum who is behind you. The briefing earlier talked about tenderness and simplicity, but you’re not into it. You don’t want to touch the body of a guy who wouldn’t hesitate to hate on you for no obvious reason.

If he doesn’t want to film with you, then he can quit. He is a big name in the industry, after all. It’s funny because the day before, while he was about to cum, you saw what you thought was his genuine side, the one that is normal and asking for things nicely. You truly thought he was just acting tough, but it turns out he is a real jerk.

You feel a body stick to your back but don’t move, eyes closed. You hear him breathe behind you, his chest warm and naked against your back.

His face comes next and kisses your nape, his lips moist and tingling. You stir because you have to act like it wakes you up, but you want nothing more but escape from here.

His arm slowly circles your waist and pulls you even closer, until your whole body is stuck to his. His hand lifts your tank-top and his fingers starts playing with the skin of your sides and belly, lazily brushing and earning a shiver from you.

At some point, you’re supposed to turn your head, you’re even supposed to react to what he does, but your mind is off. You hate him and can’t even act like you want him.

Jaebum feels it. He isn’t stupid, he knows you will give him the hardest time because he went too harsh on you.

After all, he brought this upon himself.

He stills tries though, he goes ever so slowly when he lifts the sheets to reveal your bodies, and he gently adds pressure when his fingers go to your thigh, drawing circles.

He buries his face in your neck, and you barely lift your head to leave some room for him to peck the skin. You don’t want him to even touch you, but the better you do this, the fastest it’ll be over.

You look at the wall in front of you and fake a contented sigh, lips slightly parted and eyelids fluttering. Jaebum thrusts his pelvis against your butt way too obviously, and you feel the cameraman’s knee dip on the bed to get a better view.

“I want you.” You hear him shudder against you but you want to snort and punch his face. Can he just fuck you and leave? You glance discreetly at the director who is nodding slightly, eyes focused and lips pursed. He doesn’t want a pointless sex session and it’s the first time in your life you’d rather have someone pound into you than make love to your body.

You don’t answer Jaebum. You let him hang on an answer that never comes, pelvis softly rubbing your buttocks and tongue out to taste your skin. You don’t feel him get angry or annoyed, and it’s surprising, considering his temper.

Instead, he hugs you closer to him and pulls on your panties. His hand is extremely hot, just like his feet and when he rubs them against yours, it feels better than any cunnilingus. You lazily help him and lift your pelvis, leaving some room for the underwear to disappear between the cream-colored sheets.

You don’t oppose to his ministrations. He is supposed to take the lead so you lay like a dead weight, your arms not even touching him back.

He lifts your leg and settles his hand at the back of your knee to keep it up. You almost yelp, not expecting him to go for that sort of position. His other hand slips in between your side and the mattress, making it easier for him stick your body close to his and have a free hand. You find yourself leaning against him, your tank-top now lifted all the way to your breast, your pussy exposed to everyone and somehow, it’s becoming embarrassing.

The cameraman runs to zoom on Jaebum’s free hand, now struggling to reach your breasts and it stops, pinching the tender skin.

He doesn’t reach for your core, yet he is already hard, and you wonder how he can be aroused when you’re showing no interest.

You’re as dry as a desert.

And Jaebum feels it as soon as he reaches down. His fingers brush ever so slowly against your skin, caressing your pussy lips and stopping to press on your clit. He goes on for five minutes and if it isn’t for his dick rubbing between your ass-cheeks and leaking of pre-cum, there would be no liquid to lubricate you.

He knows you’re not aroused, he knows why, that’s why he tries harder, determined to raise the temperature and earn at least one genuine moan from you.

You let him do the work, faking moans and needy grunts. Your voice is too high to be honest, your eyes are too focused to be clouded by pleasure, but you don’t care.

You’re simply not feeling this.

When Jaebum gets tired and feels you won’t even try to lift your leg by yourself, he almost gives up. Being professional is part of the job and if you can’t even put aside your little fight, then you might as well quit.

Yet he doesn’t get mad and sighs, hoping it would sound like he is loving what he is doing. He buries his face in your neck again and before he can think about it too much, he speaks.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, licking the skin and glancing sideways to see if someone heard him. Maybe he went too far. He could admit it. It’s not like he is a mean person and he totally blames it on his strong sense of responsibility. Maybe bringing your family up in the story hadn’t been is most clever move.

You hear him. Jaebum apologies at the worst moment he can find to do so but he does. You roll your eyes inwardly, not falling for it and deciding not to play along.

A second later, Jaebum fills you up from behind.

You gasp, surprised. He goes in so slowly it tickles, his skin so hot it burns your insides. He stops when he can’t go deeper and considering the position, you wonder if he could even go deeper anyways. Your hand instantly grabs his own who is now resting against your tummy as you feel him smile against you skin.

And you have no idea if he is being cocky or just relieved that you’re finally reacting.

You really don’t want to react. You don’t want to give him a reason to be arrogant later, but he starts moving out and you shudder unconsciously.

Why are you so sensitive today?

His tip almost goes out of you but he pushes back in, the pace agonizingly slow. You think it’s because of the position and the inclination of the thrusts, but you don’t have the time to analyse the situation, because he goes a tad faster and it is pure bliss.

You moan because it scrapes your walls and sends waves of pleasure to your body, making your shiver. Goosebumps appear on your skin, hair standing on end all over your arms and back.

“Ah…Just…” You can’t help but shiver agains. It’s not going the way you planned it and even Jaebum is surprised to see you so reactive suddenly.  

He isn’t about to complain, though. “Hmm..?” he hums, taking away his hand from behind your knee. “More…?” his voice is too velvety for your taste, and too sweet compared to what he can spit to your face but you don’t even care, he is increasing his pace and you bit your lip not to moan again.

Jaebum didn’t know he would love this. He isn’t a huge fan of soft love-making, and doesn’t know how to be tender when it comes to acting, yet he keeps on hitting the deepest parts of you, his penis pulsating and tip leaking every time he pulls away.

You lift your leg even more and thrust back, head thrown back in pleasure. The cameraman is filming your face, and this is exactly what the director wants when you moan, breathless.

Jaebum seizes the moment, his hand reaching for your face to grab your chin. He turns your head, cautious not the twist your neck and when you open your eyes, you barely have a second to see him.

He kisses you so fast you can’t react. He slows his pace but stays inside you and you contract around his penis painfully, earning a guttural groan from him. You swallow his every sound, not the least bothered by the kiss and forgetting about your previous promise to ignore him.

He might be a jerk, but he knows how to use his body. You hate him even more.

His tongue slightly rubs against your lips, and a second later he is biting it, sucking the flesh and moaning when he fastens his pace.

Your body is all twisted and your leg is becoming numb but it’s nothing compared to the way you’re coating him with endless layers of juice, earning dirty sounds from the friction and arousing you more than it should.

When your leg starts trembling, Jaebum knows he needs to do something. He thinks about it for a minute, but it’s suddenly hard to think, hard to focus on the next position when your sucking on his lip.

He should stop saying you’re just some rookie actress. You know things.

He stops the kiss and smirks softly, not eager to pull out of you. He still does it, whining almost inaudibly when his cock hits the way too cold air.

He finally has an idea. A brilliant one.

You wait for him to move and when he sits, you act like you know what he is about to do even though you have no idea what’s next. You don’t even try to do something; afraid he would reject the idea anyways.

It’s only when he lays the opposite way that you start to get what he is trying to do.

“Turn around, babe.” He whispers, caressing your leg and kissing your calf, “let me eat you out.”

Oh, that was unexpected.

You turn around, sliding down on the bed so he can reach your pussy and he wastes no time and dives right into it, or so to speak.

You whimper when his lips reach your skin. He doesn’t go full force yet, merely kissing your skin and licking his way up to your butt, biting one of your cheeks. He hums like he is having his last meal, and you unconsciously move your pelvis, eager to feel more and almost forgetting what your own task is.

It’s standing proudly right in front of your face, dangerous and shiny and red with patches of white essence. You grab it in the middle of your moans and start jerking it, licking your lips to emphasize your point when you see the cameraman come closer.

“Just like that, touch me…” Jaebum begs between licks and sighs, before going back to his task, burying his whole face into your core and thrusting his tongue into your widened hole.

You pant, ears on fire and face sweaty. You won’t last long and you both need to cum at the same time, because the director says it “sends the viewer a sense of connection”.

So you grab his penis with more force and lick it from base to tip, tongue flat and soft against him. You feel him tense around you, his voice signalling he is enjoying the attention very much.

You lick it for a long time before you decide he must cum. With the sudden position, you understand it is going to be either cum in your face or in your mouth, but you decide to go for the second option, mostly because you can’t give him the satisfaction of being covered in body fluids.

Jaebum doesn’t even care anymore, and is already sneaking two fingers into you, taking them out to lick them when the cameraman focus on him.

He spanks you lovingly a couple of times, gripping your buttocks and pushing your pelvis against his face and he wonders why he even decided to go for that position when he barely had anyone cum in his mouth in his whole career.

Yet, you’re moaning against his dick and it’s like a human vibrator. He will never say no to such a feeling, even though it must be horniness thinking for him right now.

No one talks, and it’s a mess of moans and suction sounds when you suck him harder. You purse your lips as much as you can, your free hand wandering all over his stomach. Your nails trace down from his chest to his abs, and start to play with his happy trail, making him move away from your teasing.

So the mighty Im Jaebum is ticklish?

You go down until you reach his balls and Jaebum knows he will lose it when you’ll start playing with them. Your hand is so warm, so soft, so sweet against his thin skin, he needs just a little push, just one good suck and he will-

“I’m...wait…” You whisper before he can tell you he is about to come, and he thanks all the gods that you’re also about to reach your climax.

He doesn’t have to beg this time.

“Me too..” He says, surprising himself for being able to talk when his lips are attached to your pussy.

You sigh, happy to let go and ready to be filled.

He cums a second before you, and you’re shocked to see that it arouses you even more, triggering your own orgasm and making you jerk violently against him. He grips you tighter, focusing on his own climax but still eager to give you more.

He laps everything he can, rubbing his face until his chin is as slippery as a soap and the feeling is not as bad as he remembered.

You swallow at the same time, trying not to choke because it needs to stay gracious and sensual.

When you’re done Jaebum even licks you clean, earning sounds of protestation from the over-stimulation. Your head finds the mattress again and you’re exhausted.

You expect a yell from the director, but everything goes silent, and you’re clueless as to what you have to do now.

Jaebum sits after a while, whipping his chin. He glances at you and when he sees you, eyes closed and looking satisfied, he smiles.

So much for ignoring him.

The director moves his hands in the air because he needs a sweet ending, so Jaebum gives him what he wants and lays back beside you, pulling on your body so you lay on top of him.

He grabs your face and you open your eyes, blinking.

“You’re beautiful.”

He kisses you right when the director yells.

CUT!

❧

“He isn’t that bad, come on.” Your manager rolls his eyes when you tell him you can’t stand Jaebum. You barely got out of the shower and he is already talking about your next scene like he secretly likes it.

“He is. He is an arrogant and mean jerk.” You state, putting your clothes on. You grab your bag when you’re done and start walking out of the studio, followed by the man who is now laughing.

“I don’t remember you being so loud during the last scenes you filmed…did you actually liked it and hate him for that?” He teased, bumping his shoulder with yours.

You scoff, bewildered. “Excuse me? You talked about passion, I’m giving you passion! Feel good? His dick is ridiculous.” You snort, not ready to admit he just made you go blind with pleasure.

“If you say so…” the manager shrugs, before turning away, “I need to give your schedule to the director, you can go first. Rest well.” He pats your shoulder and runs back inside, hands full of papers.

You nod and yawn, hoping you’d grab a taxi fast enough for you to be in bed in the next thirty minutes.

The weather is cool, and thankfully the streets are not empty. The studio is far from everything else and you don’t mind, after all.

“Waiting for a taxi?” The voice makes you turn around, not expecting to have someone right behind you.

Jaebum looks is usual arrogant self. He is wearing way too large clothes and a black cap and he looks way softer than when he is in the studio.

You simply nod, ready to give him the cold shoulder. You can’t hold a conversation with this guy without fighting, so why would he even try to talk to you? He hates you, after all.

“I thought you accepted my apology.” He says quietly, eyes scanning for the road, but no taxi is coming around yet. “But you’re still mad at me.” He states, tone neither mad nor sad.

“I said don’t talk to me.” You say, looking away and seriously thinking about walking back home.

“And I said I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have talked about your personal life, it’s none of my business.” He adds looking at you even though you’re trying hard not to face him.

“That’s true, it’s none of your business. Now if you’ll excuse me, I don’t feel like staying with a guy who enjoys doing porn movies for fun. I hate pervs.” You say next, but Jaebum only laughs, a hand reaching for his mouth and he suddenly looks like a kid.

“You’re unbelievable, who said I was doing this for fun? And what if I am enjoying? Some people do love sex, you know. It’s better than molest others.”  Jaebum isn’t offended, he even looks amused.

You ponder, suddenly in the mood to make fun of him. “True. Creeps don’t beg to cum, right?”

Jaebum shrugs, nodding. “Exactly. I was waiting for that one, by the way.” He admits.

He doesn’t mind being teased and it’s so unlike what you’ve seen of him so far. You thought he was untouchable, the type of guy who couldn’t stand anyone talking bad about him.

He actually sounds rather chill.

Jaebum walks before you and stops, observing your face. “The creep is going back home, thanks for the nice chit-chat.” He mocks, way too amused.

You simply nod, forgetting about your previous promise to ignore him until you die. “Bye.” You try to sound indifferent, and Jaebum smirks, annoying you with a smile that proves he can’t be affected by anything you say.

“Bye, rookie.” He waves and walks away, catching a taxi on the way and pointing toward you so the car can stop at your level.

That guy must be crazy.

[aragoncake]

Survivor

This here is difficult, not being able to see. I'm laying here in a bed not being able to see anything but hear everything. Day after day goes by as I hear my best mates and girlfriend cry over the fact that I'm in a coma. Yeah, you heard me right, a coma. Being in a coma absolutely sucks. I tell my body to move and it just denies my request. I'm in a complete blackout. All I see is darkness. When I do see something it's the accident all over again, like it's on replay. It kills me a little more everytime seeing the collision. The picture is so vivid.

-

"Beatrice, let's go!" I yelled making my way towards the car.

Beatrice has been acting weird lately. Once we got in the car I saw right through her. She wasn't herself. I just got home from tour and ever since she hasn't been herself. It looked as if she hasn't slept in days. She looked drained from life.

"Are you okay?" I asked driving out of the drive way. Beatrice completely ignored me. "Bea, I know something is wrong." I told her. "I'm fine." She simply replied.

"That's a total lie. I know you too well." I wanted to know what was wrong but she wasn't telling me. "Michael, I'm fine." Beatrice said once again. "Beatrice, stop lying to me." I was becoming upset.

"Michael, just drop it." She sighed. “No I'm not going to drop it! You're not yourself! Why can't you tell me what wrong? I'm your boyfriend, bestfriend. You can tell me anything but you not. Just tell me. Lying doesn't- " Beatrice cut me off.

"I'm pregnant." Beatrice whispered.

"What?" I asked, shocked. I didn't know how to react. “Yeah, I'm pregnant." Beatrice cried. “Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked.

“Why didn't I tell you? For many reasons. You're fans. Fans try to hurt me already, bringing a baby into the equation doesn't help. You're constantly on tour.  I don't know how I'll raise a baby on my own." Beatrice started to cry. “Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked.

“Why didn't I tell you? For many reasons. You're fans. Fans try to hurt me already, bringing a baby into the equation doesn't help. You're constantly on tour.  I don't know how I'll raise a baby on my own." Beatrice started to cry.

“You still should have told me!" I yelled. “No, I couldn't. Everytime we talked we argued. What was I just suppose to be like, 'Hey babe, I'm pregnant, let's stop fighting.' No, because you've been even worse. I can't deal with this anymore." She cried more.

"Why are you so selfish! We're in this together-" I yelled. “Oh I'm selfish. You're the one that acted like I didn't exist while you were on tour." Beatrice yelled back.

"This is not about me it's about you lying! Why couldn't you just tell me!" I yelled some more. "I hate you! You're such a jerk! You have changed!" She yelled. "Oh I'm the jerk! Why does this happen all-" I was stopped by Beatrice.

"Michael!" Beatrice screamed. I saw headlights of another car coming towards, then there was the impact. I remember looking over and seeing Beatrice's body next to me her face covered in blood and ambulance sirens in the distance. "Beatrice." I struggled to say. I grabbed her hand because I didn't know if I would ever see her again. Before the paramedics got there I passed out.

-

Beatrice and the baby were okay. She told me. She comes in and talks to me all the time. I feel better that it was me in a coma instead of her. Bea could've lost the baby if she have went into a coma. It was all my fault this happend. If I had controlled my anger, we could've talked it out. I'm not even sure if we're still together. That doesn't matter right now. I'm glad they're okay.

"Hey, Michael it's Bea."

I know.

"I miss you. It's been 2 months since the accident. I'm almost 3 months along. I wish you were here to see our baby develop. I get to know the gender soon. I just wish you were awake. I'm sorry for everything. I just want my boyfriend back. Please come back to me and our baby." Bea grabbed my hand and started to cry.

It's been 2 months already? I miss you so much. I always try to wake up but my body won't let me.

"I'm not giving up on you, Michael. Im going to stay because you're my love, my partner in crime, and my best friend. I need you to get through this. I love you." She kissed my forehead.

I love you too.

"I need you to come back to me. I can't raise the baby without you. Our baby can't live without a father." Bea cried.

I'm trying baby. I'm trying to get out of this but it's hard. I'm trying so much it hurts.

As you see, being in coma is difficult. It kills me more because I can't see anyone I love. I don't get to see my beautiful girlfriend go through the process of being pregnant. I don't get to see my baby grow. I don't get to write music. I let my girlfriend, mates, and fans down. I need to get through this.

-

I heard someone walk into the room

"Hey Mike, it's Luke."

Hey buddy, I miss you.

"The tour and the album is on hold because of the accident. All fans are devestated. There are some fans outside the hospital right now."

I can imagine. Those fans need to go home. Who knows when I'll wake up.

"You're parents have came to visit you. They stood as long as they could. They're coming back soon."

I can picture how heartbroken they are. I'm their only child and I have a possibility of dying.

"I overheard the doctors talking to your parents, if you don't wake up within 3 months they want to pull the plug."

Well it's nice to know that the doctors have faith in me waking up.

"It's weird I'm talking to you and you probably don't even hear me." Luke paused for a moment.

Oh, I hear you. Loud and clear.

"We're all a wreck. Bea and Cal cry together. It's sad. It's hurts Cal so much he hasn't came to see you at all. He tells Bea not to come either because to much stress on her is not good from the baby. Yet, she doesn't listen. She's been here everyday to see you."

You're killing me man. I know my girlfriend and Calum are suffering, don't have to remind me. You make me miss all of you more than I already do. It doesn't help.

"I really need you to wake up man. We can't get through anything without you."

Trust me you can. You can do it. I want to wake up from this darkness and if I don't, I hope you know to take care of my girl and baby.

-

Ashton finally came to visit me. Worst part, he came on his birthday.

"Hey, it's my birthday. No one wants to to celebrate because we're all worried about you, so I decided to spend my birthday with you."

Awe, how sweet. Seriously though, you shouldn't be here. You're just going to make yourself depressed. You're suppose to be happy on your birthday.

"We've told Bea to take it easy on visiting you because of the baby."

That's a good thing. I don't need her to lose the baby.

"We've stopped writing and making music. It's just not right without you. It's not the same. If you don't make it, I don't think we'll continue with the band. Luke, Calum, and I have been talking about it. It hurts to think you won't make it."

Don't do that. You guys love music, don't stop doing what you're doing because of me. You guys are extremely talented. If you stop, I'll be hurt.

"It will be okay because you'll make it. You're going to be a survivor, Michael." Ashton said.

That's the thing, Ash. What if I don't make it? What if I can't escape this darkness, this blackhole? This isn't a dream that I'm going to wake up from. This is reality.

-

I overheard the doctors talking about me in the room. "Your son isn't going to make. There are no signs to show that he will wake up. We've tried everything to help. I'm so sorry." The doctors told my parents. I soon hear my mom break down in tears.

"We're going to lose our son, our baby." She sobbed to my father. I can picture her in my father's embrace crying her eyes out.

That's it. I'm going to die. I will never play music again. I won't ever see my baby grow up to be successful. I'm forever going to be stuck in this blackout.

[threeletterslife]

Hiii!! Sorry it took me a whole week to get around to reading it, but my attention span is zero and IN MY DEFENCE a week passes WAY quicker than you'd think

So here I am, ready to kill my self emotionally once again <3

Okay first of all man of her dreams? Do go on 👀👀

HIS FACE IS OBSCURED??? Someone from Darlaria, I know it. Memories popping up??? Or maybe yoongi? Please god let it be yoongi im not ready for drama

...surely could not be the dARLAREAN PRISONER I'M STILL SMITTEN WITH? sure, y/n, tell yourself that. We'll see what happens in the end

Captain Moon makes another appearance, let's goooooo. The female captains are all QUEENS so far, not a single miss

NECKLACE??????????????????

Wait what was the jewel on her own necklace I'm so stupid uhhhhhhhh

And I'm too lazy to go to the previous chapter. She'll reveal it eventually I'm sure :)

And by the way what the hell did he say for her to experience that Hollow feeling, even if it was only for a second?? This is where the conflict arose I KNOW IT

Wait but y/n THE NECKLACE

Hana is a sweetheart but before I read her letter I'm going to the previous chapter I can't take this

Nevermind all I found was that hers had a white gem :( probably not related then. Or maybe they are I genuinely have no clue how diamonds look like (broke squad wya ✊)

OH MAYBE IT IS THE NECKLACE NVM I'M A GENIUS

Notes ajshdhshsh. She really is dedicated man

...wow. I KNEW THE CONFLICT WAS COMING

But no seriously, if I had dreams like that I would start sobbing. The overwhelming love every single night and one day it just turns into anger and I AUSBAIQBSIQ QIAHSJS can't take it. I'm already an emotional wreck, these dreams would well and truly break me

Oh I'm glad they're learning to be more open minded and I'm glad y/n takes constructive criticism well. Ah... she has such a good life here... all my theories for where this story is going to go just rip this apart I want to cry 😭😭

The subtle pov change from y/n, to third person, to yoongi 👀👀👀 once again reminding me why chana is ✨best author✨"

...if he hadn't been his mother's son..." — oh that is such a heavy line. Yoongi, darling... :(

I have so much to say about Yoongi's thoughts, but since I have no idea how to put it into words all I'm going to say is SWEETHEART, EAT

And you're in love with y/n, stop denying it ✋

HE WAS CARRESSING THE PAPER SHSKSJSJS I CACKLED

At first when I read it I thought it was saying he was caressing her face?? And I was like that's a sudden jump wth??? And then i realised it was a damn piece of paper-

No, honestly, imagine being in yoongi's situation and reading that piece of paper. How would you even react 😭😭😭 AND COULD YOU IMAGINE IF IT HAD BEEN A DREAM ABOUT HER LOVE LIFE

AND Y/N BABE WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A BATTLE PLAN ON THE BACK OF YOUR DREAM PAPER WHAT WAS THE REASON

And with that—ladies, gentleman, and others—brings us to the end of the chapter <3

I have many theories and I honestly I hate myself for being too observative (it is my greatest quality yet my biggest weakness)(as in I'm observative only when I don't want to be why the fuck does this happen to me)

I think... I THINK I know what end game will be? But I'm really excited in finding out how she gets there, what is the situation leading up to it it and stuff. Very interesting story and I know I'm going to cry a lot. When you finish it... yknow you could change the character names and publish it as an actual, physical book 👀 it would be tough but you'd have tons of fans and so many people would love it. And that FINANCIAL STABILITY baby if it ever gets popular you're set for life (it would be hella awkward if anyone found out it was originally a yoongi//jungkook fanfiction though ahdhhdd)

Anyway the fact that it took me nearly 50 minutes to read 1 chapter tells you a lot about my attention span, so...🤡🤡

Have a great day, Chana <3 (my autocorrect keeps trying to correct your name to CHANA, so maybe I should just scream at you from now on)

LMAO lod is always an emotional ride 😟 gotta prepare for it

i agree with you 😩 our female captains are QUEENS. i want to be friends with all of them

also bro yeah i feel like my dreams affect my days 😭😭 if i wake up from a bad dream, i'll be scared shitless for a few hours LOL. if i wake up from a happy dream, i'll be soaring through the sky the whole day

I LOVE WRITING POV CHANGES FOR THE GENERAL AND OC. it especially brings me a lot of joy to write the general's thoughts because we normally don't get to hear what he's thinking

LMAOOO CARESSING HER FACE?? WE SKIPPED A FEW CHAPTERS THERE LOL

lmao if i was in yoongi's situation, i wouldn't know how to act. like just imagine stumbling upon writing like that with no context. i would probably assume she was dating someone or something and get mega sad

YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THE END GAME WILL BE? DO YOU MIND SHARING? it'd be funny if you just predicted the entire plot LMAO

i think lod is such a big work of mine that i might just publish it one day 💀 but you're also right. if pple found out if it was originally a fucking yoongi/jungkook fanfiction, i would disappear into thin air

LMAO ETERNAL SCREAMING DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY AS WELL!

[foreverhakyeon-blog]

Wake Up

pairing : Hakyeon x Taekwoon | Neo

word : 2460

Oneshot of bestfriends Hakyeon and Taekwoon, whereby Hakyeon got into accident and in coma.

"Hakyeon, wake up" Taekwoon whisper as he shakes Hakyeon faintly. "Please"

"How am I going to live without you" his eyes starts to water, "I can't"

Hakyeon was still lying helplessly on the hospital bed.

******

Taekwoon's POV

Im not mute. I can talk if I want to. I talk if I need to.

It's just that, I refused to do so. I chose to observed instead of talking. It's comfortable being like this, observing the others.

But that's not what the other thinks.

'Taekwoon is a freak'

'Look at how he look at us, is he planning something'

'I've never heard his voice'

'Taekwoon is weird.'

I'm used to hear things like that. There are times when they act like they were whispering but it was loud enough for me to hear what they said about me. I hear it all. Sometimes they just say it in my face. I don't really care though. Let they say what they want. People are free to say what they want to say anyways.

After a while, people start to take advantage on me.

'Taekwoon will lift that heavy thing'

'Taekwoon will clean the classroom'

'Taekwoon will never say no, he don't talk anyway'

'let Taekwoon do it'

I just nodded and do what they ask me to do. It's not hard anyways. It felt helping them. I don't mind.

But after that,

They started to do more.

Sometimes they beat me without a reason.

'he won't say anything'

'Taekwoon can be punchbag for the day. He'll never report it to anyone'

'because he don't talk'

******

"Stop it. Why are you doing this to him?!" I heard someone yelled from a far. I saw he ran to us ; me and the three boys. Jay, minki and Junho. They used to be my friends. Well, I thought they are. Until one day they suddenly starts to beat me without a reason.

"are you okay?" the boy asked me in concern. I have never saw him face before.

"oh. new kid. seems like you wanted to get beat to. you need some teaching" Jay said, his fist are ready to punch the boy.

"Try if you have the gut." The boy said bravely. He is a lot smaller than the three boys, can he fight them?

Jay started to launch a punch to the boy but he was fast enough to dodge it. Seconds after that the guard came. The three boys run away. The boy then report to the guard "They bullied my friend!" Since when I became his friend? The guard nodded his head as he look at me with pity. "Bring him to the nurse's office" The guard said before continue chasing the three boys.

"Hey, are you okay?" The boy ask me again. He help me stand up. I nodded.

"What is your name?" He looks at me. I showed him my name tag. "Ohh~ Jung Taekwoon" he smiled.

Hakyeon extended his hand, "I'm Cha Hakyeon"

******

"Taekie you're back!!" Hakyeon cheered happily as I walk in the house. After that day, Hakyeon and I had become really close. We even went to the same university. Hakyeon had always been there for me. He protects me with all he have. He is cheerful and fun to be with, but sometimes I wish he can control his anger.

It's not that he ever beat me when he is mad or something. Hakyeon will never hurt me. He rarely gets mad at me. But he tend to hurt those who hurt me.

If only I didn't bumped into Kangin on the way home today, it will not turn out this way. "Taek?" Hakyeon called me as he noticed that I was avoiding him.

I covered my face with mask and wear my favorite black hoodie. "I'm tired." I said, hoping that he will understand and leave me alone.

"Something is wrong with you" I heard Hakyeon muttered. We have been for so long that he can notice even a slight changes of me.

"Wait!" He hold my wrist, preventing me from running away. He forced me to face him. He reach my mask and in a second the mask are off my face. Hakyeon observed my face.

His face slowly turned red, boiling with anger. "Who did this?" He touch my purple cheek. Obviously someone has hurt his bestfriend and Hakyeon wouldn't let that person go.

I flinched. This is not what I want. Last time someone had accidentally punch me at the stomach, Hakyeon punched him back and the boy had to stay in hospital for three days.

"Tell me who. I'll kill him with my own hands" Hakyeon said again. He punch the wall angrily.

"I promised to take care of you didn't I? I'll protect you. Tell me who! I'll search for him. I'll kill him for you. who the fuck-"

He punch the wall again

"hurt-"

again

"you"

and again

"I'll kill-"

Hakyeon hand starts to bleeds

"him"

I reach him, locking his hand in my grip and hug him to cool him down. "It's okay. It's okay. Calm down." I whispered and patted his back. "I'm okay. I'm okay"

******

"Taek, what are you going to do if I'm not around anymore? Who's going to protect you?" Hakyeon asked one day when we were watching his favorite drama.

I stop crunching the food in my mouth and look at him. Hakyeon is strange like this. Sometimes he would ask weird questions all of sudden. "Are you going anywhere? or you have incurable illness? are you dying?" I asked him back. I had never dream a life without him.

"No. What? are you happy if I have that kind of illness? What kind of friend are you?!!" He punch me playfully "answer me"

"I think I'll live peacefully. I can protect myself. plus, I don' have to cook for you too hahahha" I laugh as I said it. Hakyeon pouted. "I hate you. seriously" He stand up and walk to his room.

"yah! are you sulking? I'm kidding" I laugh. He is so sensitive nowadays.

******

Hakyeon started to play his ukulele

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my hair You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my walk You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

"No I'm not" I said playfully. He sang louder and almost shout at me

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my hair You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my walk You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

******

'When are you coming back?' I messaged Hakyeon. It's been six days since he goes back to his hometown, Changwon. I admit that I felt a little bored alone at the house. Usually I would go back to my hometown too but my parents are on vacation so there's no one at home.

After five minutes I heard my phone rang, I pick it up

"You miss me don't you? I knew it you can't live without me" I heard Hakyeon loud voice on the other side of the phone. He is cheerful like always.

"no, I'm not. I'm just bored"

"You are so egoistic Jung Taekwoon. But whatever I took that as you miss me" He stated.

Seriously. Why did I pick up his call?

He is soooo full of himself.

"I'm hanging up" I warned him

"Jeez. I'm going back tomorrow. Happy?"

******

I ran into the hospital as soon as I reach there. "Taek hyung, wait for me" I heard Hongbin shouted from the back, but I can't. I have to hurry. I head to the counter "Yes, can I help you?" the nurse asked me.

"I..I..I" I keep stuttering as I can't form any word to say. My face was bloodless. This can't be happening. Tell me this isn't happening.

"We're looking for a patient name Cha Hakyeon" Hongbin panting, he said and catching his breath. "Okay, give me a sec"

******

We headed to the room the nurse had told us. Hakyeon lying unconscious on the bed. His face was pale. There's scratches all over on his face and his body. His leg broke and being supported. His head were bandaged.

"Ha-Hakyeon" I rush to his bed. "Ha-Hakyeon, wake up" I shake his left hand softly. My tears fall down like razor blades. "Wake up" I said again, crying.

Hongbin touch my shoulder from the back, he was crying too.

******

I told him to go back the next day, because it was raining so bad that day. But he said he promised his friend to come back early. I still remembered he smiled, saying he can't break his promises. He is so stubborn. If only he listens to me....

I recall what Hakyeon's sister told me.

Stupid.

You still broke your promise.

You said you're going back.

It's been a week.

Stupid.

Fool.

You said you're going back.

Liar.

You're a liar Hakyeon.

******

It's been two weeks since Hakyeon's accident. The doctor said that he was healing but he still haven't open his eyes. The doctor said everything is okay. but he isn't waking up.

I visited Hakyeon every single day. I even take turn with his family staying overnight at the hospital, taking care of Hakyeon. Sometimes I would bring flowers. Sometimes I bring book to read it to him. Sometimes I even talk to him, I tell him stories even though I know he'll not react to what I say. But somehow, deep in my heart I know he can hear it.

or maybe I hope so.

"You're a good friend Taekwoon" Hakyeon's sister patted me on the shoulder one day, she hand me an apple."At least eat something. When was the last time you eat?"

I take the apple and smile at her. I couldn't even remember when was it. I look at Hakyeon again. I look at the wire that being painfully connected to his body.

I suddenly remembered Hakyeon cheerful voice when I come back after having a rough bad day. 'Taekwoon are you okay? Let's do something you like! Remember that movie you liked so much? Let's watch it again! Taekwoon I bought your favorite meat. Let's eat it!!

"Hakyeon is a good friend" I replied after a while.

Hakyeon always love watching drama. I remembered that one day he forced me to watch his favorite drama with him. I end up accompany him watching the dramas almost all the time.

"Hakyeon, guess what?" I said as I took a sit beside his bed.

He didn't reply, but back then he would always asked me back, "what?" excitedly. I miss his excited face that would glitter as he want to know what I'm going to say.

I open my laptop, "I downloaded your favorite drama. Remember that drama called cheer up? You love it so much right? We haven't finish the drama yet you know?"

I open a folder named 'Cheer up' and click 'play' on episode 8. "Let's watch it"

After two hours of watching the drama I get tired. I look at Hakyeon that was still lying peacefully. "Hakyeon, why are you still sleeping? Wake up."

"You said you'll protect me. How are you going to protect me if you're lying like this" my eyes starts to water again. I did not bother to wipe my tears. I hold Hakyeon's weak hand and squeezed it lightly, "I miss you"

Suddenly I remembered all Hakyeon's words. My memories with him being played again like a flashback. I remember the first time we met. Our graduation day. The day when we both got into the same university. The day when we first time drank liquor and get drunk together. The day when we begged our parents to let us rent an apartment near the university. The day when we went to Jeju Island for vacation. Everything being played back.

'Hi, I'm Cha Hakyeon'

'I promised to take care of you didn't I? I'll protect you'

'you're my bestfriend Taekwoonie'

'You miss me don't you? I knew it you can't live without me'

'You are so egoistic Jung Taekwoon'

'I'm going back tomorrow'

******

Hakyeon's POV

It hurts. My body hurts.

I look around. It was dark. I was left alone in the dark.

Where am I?

Am I dead?

'Hakyeon, why are you still sleeping? Wake up.'

'You said you'll protect me. How are you going to protect me if you're lying like this'

'I miss you'

Taekwoon?

Is that you?

Why...

Where are you?

I look around, searching for Taekwoon.

Suddenly I saw a light beam in front of me. I ran and ran, chasing the light

"Taek!! Is that you?" I scream wholeheartedly.

"Taekwoon!!" I yelled. The light slowly fading. I felt my body slowly started to weaken.

I close my eyes.

I'm scared.

Taek help me.

I open my eyes when I felt my hand being squeezed.

It's so bright that it hurts my eyes.

I look around to the unfamiliar place.

Where am I?

I try to move my hands and legs.

I thought I was, I thought I could move them.

I couldn't.

I desperately try to move my toes, but it felt like there was nothing there.

What happened? I started to panic. I tried again, slowly and steadily, I gained some control over my fingers. I could move my thumb. I sighs in relief.

I then notice someone crying while holding my hand. I squeeze his hand, and suddenly he look up.

He look at me in disbelief.

I wanted to ask what happened but I'm too weak, my voice won't go out.

Taekwoon. Taekwoon.

He look at me and cried. He cried and cried. "Hakyeon" He said

I nodded. I look at him warmly. I observe Taekwoon that look like a mess. His hair was all over and his face are swollen.

"You're back. I thought I lost you. I thought you left me!" He cried again.

"You promised to protect me but you didn't wake up. I'm afraid. I thought I lost you" He cried so bad.

"It was so hard for me. I miss you so much I felt like dying"

Seconds after, the doctor rush in, checking me all over.

After a while the doctor smiled, looking at me, "Welcome back"

I turn my head, looking Taekwoon. He was still crying.

I smiled at Taekwoon. “Taekwoon-ah”

"W-Welcome back Cha Hakyeon"

[ba3kkie]

The Final Crescendo [Epilogue]

“Baekhyun-ah” You whispered as the tears rolled down your pale cheek.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you managed to say “ I love you”.

Part 1 || Part2 || Part 3 || Final

Pairing:  Baekhyun x reader.

:. I don’t own any of the characters nor companies mentioned and it is purely fictional and should not be taken seriously. I only own the plot.

8:30 p.m

“ Let’s run away together.”

Your eyes widened in shock, that was all it took to break you, your facade crumbled into a million pieces, tears painfully hanging onto your lashes, trying their best to hold on. You hung your head low, avoiding eye contact at all cost, you knew how you turned to putty under his gaze.

“(Y/n)… Look at me baby” He cup the side of your cheek with his gentle palm, you unknowingly leaned into his touch, your hormones betraying you, oh how you have missed his touch.

“Come with me, let’s finally get our happy ending”

As he rubbed his thumb across your cheek, the look on his face made your heart ache, he looked so defeated, what happened to the strong baekhyun who was unfazed by anything? Had so much changed the past few months? Was it your fault?

“We can’t Baek.” You voice faltering.

“Baby please”

“Please (y/n), don’t you want this too?”

His voice getting softer with every plea.

“I love you, please.”

“You can’t throw away everything you worked so hard for !” you cried, banging his chest with your curled fist.

“You are my everything” He said as he let you pound his chest.

You screamed, the tears now dripping from your chin.

“ YOU CAN’T DO THIS! IT’S NOT FAIR!” you shouted at him, turning your heel and started walking to the stairs.

“ He told me why you left.” You were surprised and stopped dead in your tracks.You had to end this now, before you’d never walk away,

You let out a hollow laugh,

“You’re naive to think that he cares! ”

“He told me how to contact you.” You were beyond baffled, how could your father tell him anything. Remembering how the last encounter with the old man went.

“Bullshit, he hated us being together!” You felt the pool of anger form within, you turned your heel, facing away from him.

“I talked to him (y/n), I told him I wanted to be with you.”  He wrapped his arms around your shoulders, pulling your back into his chest.

“Are you an idiot? You just debuted and you’re already a star ! Many take years to establish themselves, but you managed to do it overnight, why would you throw it all away?” You let out a choke as the words came tumbling out, the dried tears staining your cheeks.

“Im dying” he whispered as let his head fall on your shoulder.

You turned and looked at him begging it to be a joke, and for once you hated how you could read him like the open book he was to you. His dark orbs stared intenstly at you, this was all too real, you tried to formulate words, you had so many questions for him yet, they had vanish at the tip of your tongue.

“Brain cancer (y/n), I have brain cancer.” he bit back his tears, trying to be strong for the both of you. “Your father found out and told me how to contact you.”

A tear brimming once again on your already swollen eyes, you managed to choke a ‘Don’t lie’ before staring back at him.

“8 months, that’s what the doctor told me and you know what? The first thought that ran through my mind was ‘I want to spend it all with you’ (y/n), I know I’m being selfish, asking you to love a man who will soon be gone, but I’m allowed to be selfish sometimes right ?” His lips quivered as the last part escaped his lips “I love you (y/n), let me try to love you more in these 6 months than anyone could in a lifetime.” He pressed his chapped lips against yours, as your lips moved in unison with his, you felt the salty liquid reach your lips, but whose tears was it ? You couldn’t tell anymore as the pain in your chest grew with each passing moment.

                                                        xxx

The ride to your house was silent, neither of you wanted to face the hard reality. It felt like you had been thrown into the deep end after just learning to swim, you didn’t know how to react, and imagining yourself in his shoes made you feel like you were drowning, just a matter of time before it all ends.

“Baek,” you gestured for him to take a seat on your bed, “I have something to tell you”, you made your way to your bedside table, fishing out an envelope and handing it to him. “This is yours.”

His eyes widen as he saw the black and white picture, “Why are you giving me a sonogram?” his voice was shaky, unsure, fearful almost of what you were to tell him next. You took his hands in yours and placed it under your sweater, you felt the pads of his fingertips graze over the bump of your belly, goosebumps forming on your arms at the sudden contact. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice now laced with hurt and betrayal, yet his hands never moved away from your bump.

“Meet our sweet pea, Baek”

4 months ago

��Baekhyun had sudden disappeared’ according to the media, but here he was, arms wrapped around my waist as the morning rays shone upon his face. S.M had released statements saying that Baekhyun needed to take some time off to rest, they couldn’t announce the truth, it would be far too damaging for the company and even the people within would be emotionally affected.

“Baek, why don’t you go rest? I’ll call you out when dinner is ready.” You placed a kiss on his cheek before returning to the boiling pots on the stove. His health was rapidly deteriorating, the headaches getting stronger and also lasting longer, becoming more forgetful and the waves of fatigue were becoming more apparent, and all you could do was stand by helplessly as he suffered alone.

It hurt to know Baekhyun’s days were numbered, he too found it hard to be himself during these times, it’s hard to act happy when your body is literally destroying itself and you could not blame him, instead you allowed yourself to be his pillar, a place for him to seek comfort and release built up emotions. There were nights that ended with both of you crying in one another’s embrace with hushed apologies, but there were also nights of endless pleasure, where he kissed butterfly kisses against your skin while whispering sweet nothings.

He would sing you to sleep on those nights where you had trouble sleeping,

Cause you

You could be my only star

You could be the moonlight

You’re all I need in my world forever

I run to you, through the darkness

I’ll hold you close to me through this crazy race

Let’s make it forever

Don’t disappear, this is the end for me

We’ll never find a love like this again

Don’t break my soul

Your gaze,words and everything forever

His voice as beautiful as it is and will ever be, could not hide the sadness behind the words, every word hitting a chord, sometimes you found this song too real, as if it were meant specifically for both of you and the tragic love story you will become.  

It was a far cry from easy, this path you chose to walk on. As you stared at his now sunken features in the moonlight, you realise the entirety of everything,

First, you realise how much he means to you

Second, you realise your child will never remember it’s father

Third, you realised how stupid you were to push him away, how much time you had wasted with your immature behaviour

Fourth, You realise the excruciating pain Baekhyun must be going through physically and mentally  

Last but not least, you realise you love him so much, you wish it were you facing the wrath of the terminal illness in his stead.  

Like a broken record playing, you prayed it were you and not him suffering.

Baekhyun was alone, no one could possibly know how he felt, he was full of imperfections, but so was every unpolished diamond, yet in times of darkness he shined the brightest, he was your only star.

3 months ago

A week before your due date, you both had decided it would be best to both be admitted at the nearby hospital. You were worried for him if you were not around, how if he suddenly lost consciousness, on the other hand, he was worried he would be too weak to help you in an emergency. You had requested for Baekhyun to be able to share the room with you, given your circumstances, no one had the heart to deny you your request.

It was not even a week after you had been admitted, and there you were screaming in pain as the waves of contractions hit you like the crashing tides, baekhyun was in a wheelchair by your side, never letting go of your hand.

“(y/n), deep breaths, I love you.” His voice now very weak but just audible, and after what seemed like hours of labour, your baby girl was born, she was so tiny.

The nurse had placed her in Baekhyun’s arms and you swore you saw the world in his eyes, he placed a small kiss on her forehead before stroking her face with his thumb, you felt your heart swell at the sight of the man you love and the child you shared.

“Baek hee-ah, I’m your appa.” She gripped his finger tightly, before letting out a cute smile.

“I can’t believe you named her that” You sighed, but your lips tugging at the corner said otherwise.

“Shh, Baek hee-ah you like your name right? Your eomma doesn’t appreciate good taste.” He gave her a big smile, the second last you’d see.

Present

You rushed to the hospital with your father and child, you had mended your relationship with your father, he was the only person you could lean on in this time of sadness.

You received a call from the doctor in charge, saying how Baekhyun’s condition took a dive, he advised to come and be prepared for the worst.

You ran to his room, being second nature to you after visiting him everyday for the last 3 months, with your father fast on your tail with baby in hands.

As you reached the room, you took a deep breath before sliding the door and entering, with every step forward you took, you felt your vision cloud, you knelt beside his bed, taking his pale hands between yours. He turned slowly to face you, his body so frail and weak, your father placed Baekhee between you and Baekhyun, there it was, his final smile. He wore that smile like an apology, a sorry stretched across his teeth, “Take care my loves, till we meet again.” as he took his final breath.

“Baekhyun-ah” You whispered as the tears rolled down your pale cheek.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you managed to say “ I love you”.

Before you saw the light in his eyes fade, his smile now gone forever, his skin as cold as ice in your grasp as you choke back the tears you didn’t know were holding.

Cause you

You could be my only star

You could be the moonlight

You’re all I need in my world forever

I run to you, through the darkness

I’ll hold you close to me through this crazy race

Let’s make it forever

Don’t disappear, this is the end for me

We’ll never find a love like this again

Don’t break my soul

Your gaze,words and everything forever

His voice playing from the small cd player he had left in the bedside table, along with a ring and a small note which read :

‘Marry me in our next life my love, and maybe then it’ll be forever.’

As you sat there alone, you let the tears flow as you felt the wind caressing your cheek, drying your tears , as if he wanted you to know he was there, watching over you both.  

The days that have passed, had already turned into years, yet you had always remembered him with these silent tears you shed,

Your love, Baekhyun.

A/n: This marks the end of The Final Crescendo, it’s my first finished piece. I hope you all have enjoyed it, thank you for being with me through this journey of mine, I have written other fics so please do check them out. It is a great honour to have been given the support my readers have given me. I am thinking about writing an alternate ending, but only if you want it too, so please tell me, send me a message or

https://ask.fm/Ba3kkie [If you’d like to stay anonymous]

Thank you !

Love, Manda