#i hate feeling like this it's so fucking humiliating

[loveesiren]

𝖢𝗋𝗈𝗌𝗌 𝖬𝗒 𝖧𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍 (𝖯𝗍.2)

Choi Seunghyun x f!reader x Kwon Jiyong | Masterlist

a/n: Here's part two! I feel like this part is slightly boring but I needed to write it to continue lol. I've also just been off the past few days and I'm trying to get back into the right mood so I'm sorry if this sucks. I'll try to have part 3 out ASAP!

synopsis: Y/n struggles escape her guilty conscience of the secret her and Jiyong carry. Meanwhile, Seunghyun is oblivious and head over heels for Y/n.

warnings: Language, angst, mention of sex, some fluff at the end

wc: 2.2k+

The shrill blare of your alarm yanked you from the depths of sleep, your body aching, your mind groggy with exhaustion. Your hand instinctively shot out, fumbling blindly until you slammed the snooze button, plunging the room back into an uneasy silence. A tired groan slipped from your lips as you shifted under the sheets, ready to drift back into oblivion—until you felt it.

A warmth beside you.

Your stomach twisted violently as you rolled over, your pulse spiking when your eyes landed on the figure sprawled out next to you. Jiyong.

His bare torso was partially covered by the sheets, the same sheets that reeked of sweat, sex, and the mistakes of last night. His face was relaxed in sleep, lips slightly parted, dark lashes fanned against his cheeks. Without the cocky smirk, without the biting words, he almost looked…peaceful. Almost.

But the moment you registered the ache between your legs, the bruises forming on your hips, the ghost of his hands still lingering on your skin, shame crashed over you like a tidal wave.

Last night came rushing back in a flood of memories—Seunghyun’s gentle smile, the way he looked at you with admiration and patience. The way you had laughed, talked, felt like a real person again, not just some dirty little secret. And then Jiyong. His scent. His touch. His words whispered against your lips as he dragged you back into the cycle of ruin.

You squeezed your eyes shut. God, you hated yourself.

With a sharp inhale, you grabbed your phone, your fingers moving on autopilot as you typed out a text to your boss.

Can’t come in today. Migraine.

It was a weak excuse, but you prayed he wouldn’t question it. You never took a day off. Maybe he’d let this one slide.

Your phone buzzed almost immediately.

Fine, but I need the final drafts by midnight tomorrow.

Relief washed over you, but it was short-lived. You set the phone down and turned to face the bigger issue at hand.

“Jiyong, get up,” you snapped, your voice ice-cold as you slammed your foot into his calf.

He groaned in protest, rolling onto his side with a sleepy scowl. “What the fuck, Y/n?”

“Get out.” Your voice was sharp, cutting through the morning stillness like a blade.

Jiyong blinked at you, disoriented but quickly catching on. His smirk returned, lazy and infuriating. “Is that really how you treat the guy who made you cum three times last night?” His voice was drenched in amusement, in satisfaction. In ownership.

Your stomach churned, your skin burning with humiliation. You turned away, grabbing your clothes off the floor, yanking them on in a frenzy. Jiyong propped himself up on one elbow, watching you with that infuriating smirk still lingering on his lips.

“You look tense.” he teased, stretching his arms above his head, his toned stomach flexing. “You wanna fuck it out?”

You clenched your jaw. “I’m not coming in today. And this—this is over. So get up and get out of my house.”

Jiyong tilted his head, his long, fading orange hair falling into his eyes. The same hair you were responsible for touching up, though the thought of being that close to him again made bile rise in your throat.

“Why aren’t you coming in?” His tone was nonchalant, but there was something else lurking beneath it.

“I need a fucking day off—from you. From everything.” Your voice cracked, and you hated yourself for it. “I had a nice time with Seunghyun last night. And then you just—you just showed up and ruined it.”

He scoffed. “Ruined it? You were begging me to fuck you, Y/n.”

You flinched. He always knew exactly where to strike.

“That was the last fucking time, Jiyong. I’m serious.”

He was quiet for a beat. Then, his gaze flickered to the bedside table, to the black dahlia wilting from neglect. His smirk curled slightly.

“I helped him pick that out, you know.” He gestured lazily toward the flower. “Told him you liked dahlias. He doesn’t know shit about you, Y/n. Not like I do.”

Your breath hitched. “Still don’t know why you did that,” you murmured, your voice laced with suspicion. “Maybe just stay out of our business.”

His eyes darkened. “He’s my best friend. He comes to me for advice.” A cruel chuckle escaped his lips. “I mean, next time I could just tell him how to fuck you right—since I know all about that.”

Your blood ran cold.

“Don’t you dare tell him,” you seethed.

Jiyong raised an eyebrow. “Why shouldn’t I?”

Your chest heaved. “Why do you even care, Jiyong?! You hate me. I hate you. This was all just meaningless fucking sex!”

The words hung in the air, thick and suffocating.

Jiyong’s jaw tightened. His nostrils flared, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. For the first time, he had nothing to say.

“I like Seunghyun. I really do,” you continued, your voice shaking. “And I’d like to see him again. But I can’t do that if you’re still lurking around, so just—just fuck off! Find someone else to fuck!”

Something flashed in his eyes, something raw, something dangerous—but then it was gone.

“Fine,” he spat, his smirk returning, but this time it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’ve got plenty of girls. I don’t need you.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat. “Never needed you.” You mumbled, though you weren’t sure if you were trying to convince him or yourself. 

Jiyong let out a bitter laugh, but it was hollow. Without another word, he grabbed his clothes, yanked them on, and stormed toward the door. The slam of it rattled the walls.

The moment he was gone, your legs gave out. You sank to the floor, your hands clutching at your hair, your breath coming in ragged, uneven gasps. The weight of it all came crashing down, pressing against your chest like a thousand bricks.

It was over.

And yet—you knew it wasn’t. Not completely.

You crawled toward the bathroom, your limbs feeling like lead. The moment you stepped into the shower, you let the scorching water cascade over your skin, washing away the remnants of last night. You sat against the tile, knees pulled to your chest, silent sobs wracking your body.

You had never felt so disgusted with yourself.

Two hours passed before you finally emerged, your body scrubbed raw, but the filth of Jiyong still clung to you like a second skin. You numbly went through your routine, pulling on sweats and a tank top, throwing your sheets into the wash.

Your phone sat untouched on the counter. You braced yourself before picking it up, expecting an onslaught of messages—Jiyong’s wrath, Seunghyun’s confusion, your boss demanding answers.

Instead, there was just one.

Seunghyun: Hey, I heard you weren’t feeling good. Hopefully it’s not from the restaurant. I hope you feel better soon! It’s boring without you here.

Your chest ached. He didn’t know. Not yet.

No, it’s not from the restaurant. Just a headache. I had a great time last night!

You lied.

Not about having a great time with Seunghyun—you had. Those few hours with him had felt like stepping into a life you wanted so desperately to claim as your own. A life that was simple, warm, untouched by the filth of your past mistakes. But the reason you weren’t at work? That was a lie.

You weren’t sick.

You were avoiding the inevitable.

Jiyong knew how to be cruel when he wanted to be. And if he decided to open his mouth, your world would come crumbling down. Your stomach twisted at the thought of it. Everyone would know. Your boss, your coworkers, Seunghyun.

Seunghyun.

You didn’t even want to think about how he would react. The betrayal in his eyes, the disappointment. Would he hate you? Would he turn his back on you? On his best friend?

You pushed the thought away, forcing yourself into work. You needed a distraction, something to pull you away from the anxiety chewing at your insides. Music blared from the speakers, filling the silence as you lost yourself in sketching, your pencil moving in sharp, deliberate strokes.

You had finished Daesung’s outfit first, moving onto Taeyang’s and Seungri’s with ease. Designing for them was simple, almost soothing. You knew their style, their personalities, the energy they brought to the stage. It was second nature to you.

But then came the last two pages of your sketchbook.

Seunghyun and Jiyong.

Your fingers lingered on Seunghyun’s page, your pencil tracing meaningless details—adding unnecessary stitching to his jacket, shading in areas that didn’t need shading, elongating the shape of the silhouette. You knew you were procrastinating, but you couldn’t bring yourself to flip the page just yet.

You liked being on this page. Here, there was no shame, no regret, no mistakes. Just clean lines and the promise of something new.

But eventually, you had to move forward.

The moment you flipped to Jiyong’s page, your stomach clenched.

You stared at the half finished sketch you’d started, your fingers tightening around your pencil. Designing for him was always easy. You knew his style better than anyone, could predict his fashion choices before he even made them. But now, looking at this page, it felt impossible.

How could you design something for a man you wanted so desperately to erase from your memory?

You exhaled sharply, forcing yourself to sketch. You kept it simple, precise—dark, sleek lines, something effortlessly cool and arrogant, just like him. Just like the man his fans adored. Not the man who whispered filthy things into your ear, not the man who knew exactly how to ruin you, over and over again.

But even as you sketched, his voice echoed in your head.

"He doesn’t know shit about you, Y/n. Not like I do."

Your grip on the pencil tightened. God, you hated him.

And yet, the memory of last night still clung to your skin. The bruises on your hips, the soreness between your legs. You hated how good he made you feel, how easy it was to fall into bed with him, how no matter how hard you tried to move on, he always found a way to pull you back in.

You shook your head, biting down on your lip hard enough to taste copper.

You just had to finish this.

Just as you were adding the final touches, the doorbell rang.

You jolted upright, blinking down at your sketchbook as if just realizing where you were. Pushing it aside, you stood, rubbing the stiffness from your neck before making your way to the door.

You weren’t expecting company.

When you swung the door open, the sight before you made your breath hitch.

Seunghyun.

He stood there, a bag of takeout in one hand and yet another flower in the other. This time, a purple tulip, its petals delicate between his fingers.

“Seunghyun!” you breathed, your voice laced with surprise. “What are you doing here?”

He smiled shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I felt bad you weren’t feeling well today, so I thought maybe some ramen would help?” He lifted the bag slightly before extending the flower. “And, uh… I picked this from someone’s garden on the way here.”

A laugh bubbled out of you before you could stop it.

"You stole a flower for me?"

He chuckled, his ears turning pink. "Borrowed. I’ll return it if they notice."

Your fingers curled around the stem, bringing the tulip to your nose as you giggled, the gesture so undeniably him. "This is really sweet, Seunghyun."

“If you’d like some company, I’m free.” He paused, suddenly unsure. “But if you’re not up for it, I totally understand.”

You didn’t hesitate. “No, I am!”

His face brightened at your enthusiasm. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you smiled. “Come in.” You needed the distraction.

Seunghyun followed you inside, his presence filling your small apartment with warmth. As he placed the food on the counter, you searched for a vase, already feeling guilty about the black dahlia wilting in your bedroom.

Then, he spoke again.

“Oh, and this was outside your door.”

You turned just as he pulled a white envelope from his pocket, holding it out to you.

“I promise I didn’t look at it,” he added quickly. “I just picked it up so you wouldn’t miss it. Could be something important.”

Your fingers hesitated before taking it from him. It was blank. No address, no name.

Your stomach twisted.

“Uh, Seunghyun… do me a favor?” You tried to keep your voice steady. “Take all this to the living room? Pick us a movie to watch.”

“Sure!” He grinned, easily distracted. “What kind of movie do you want to watch?”

“Something scary!” you called back, waiting until he was out of sight before your fingers pried open the envelope.

Inside, there was something small, cold.

A key.

Your breath caught in your throat.

Not just any key. Your key.

Your heart pounded as you pulled out the folded note tucked inside.

You didn’t need to open it to know who it was from. The handwriting was unmistakable, messy and familiar, like it had been scribbled in a rush.

With trembling fingers, you unfolded it, your eyes scanning the words.

I won’t tell him.

Let me know if you'd like to be added/removed from the taglist! :)

Tags: @fr3akyyg1rll @heuningpie @sapph1r3x @moondooll @tranquilty @noharaaa @mariaxman @dear-satan @infinetlyforgotten @staryscorner @blu-brrys @come-as-you-are-111 @nicklet94 @vamplivivi @3mma-lovely @hanadulsetaad @sayugarper @forevervibezzzz1 @shieraseastarrs @mooonologyy @skzdreamz @stillpervert @seunghyunwifey @juliskopf @mirahyun @mattsturniolosbabymama @kai-277 @rotten-toenails @i-might-be-vanny @zzhengyu @petersasteria @manuzicaveyr @maskedcrawford @gdinthehouseee @aishallnotbefound @babygirlewis @multifanxtvshows @readin0nsense @anonymip @lilysdoll @uuchii @pinkpunkdynamite @lariem-blog2 @sherxoo @honeyblossom112-2

© loveesiren 2025 - do not copy, translate, transfer, or repost my work without my permission. if you find my work on sites other than through links i've provided, please notify me.

[fear-is-truth]

I wanna see what your thoughts on Nam-gyu x very dominant reader i feel like it would be both lf them fighting to stay in control or maybe something else??

MDNI

nam-gyu would hate you. like, really. fucking. hate you. a white-hot, bitter loathing, laced with pettiness, because you’re the only one who doesn’t buy into his act. that whole sleazy, try-hard bravado that works on everyone else? you see right through it. you see him—for exactly what he is. a pathetic, validation-starved loser.

and that pisses him off. so fucking much.

sometimes, in the split second before he shoves the thought down, he wonders what it’d feel like if you grabbed him by the hair, really yanked him, forced his head back—his dick twitches, and he curses himself for it.

then one night, you humiliate him in front of everyone in the club (which, okay, he deserved), and it hits him in the worst way. later, alone in bed, fuming, fingers wrapping around his cock, quick and desperate strokes because he can’t stop thinking about you.

he hates himself for it.

but that doesn’t stop him from doing it again.

[ineffablecabbage]

THE PITT, 3 PM

Not Spoilers: I don't care how many people on this show kiss Santos' ass: it's just gonna make me hate her more, actually!

SPOILERS

First of all, Robby's little speech about where to put your feelings definitely reminds me of "there are TWO KINDS OF DOCTORS." someone should make a gif set lmao

Secondly, Frank is a great mentor when his student isn't an asshole. Mel + Frank is my favorite team. "YES YOU DO." AWW.

showing Dana breaking up the fight is the reality of nurses' every fucking day lives. love that for this show.

DAMN IS SANTOS GOING TO QUESTION EVERY SINGLE TIME EVERY DOCTOR GIVES AN ORDER? HE'S YOUR FUCKING ATTENDING, YOU DUMBASS.

Look, I can't be mad at Langdon for being bitchy to Santos. .This dumb girl is trying to frame him for drugs, so she deserves what she gets! Anyway, she's been terrible all day. I DON'T CARE that he's mean to her, show. tHIS GIRL could not have survived Benton or Season 5 Carter. She'd crawl in a hole and cry about Dr. Bailey. She deserves all THREE.

THOSE RATS ARE PET RATS. I love them. Offer them a sandwhich, Whitaker.

Oh, does Robby have a bad back? Hmmmmmmm. DON'T COME FOR ME, LAWSUIT.

Oh, are they flirting over the patients again? LOL, Either that baby was his or that was an IVF baby. That woman is not with anoher man.

Okay, so yes, Langdon did too much here. But lmao. If you are yelling "Shut the fuck up" at your underlings.... maybe your advice is hypocritical here, Robby. AND ACTUALLY, getting Mel out of the game was a good thing.

I'm sure Santos' defenders will pretend that Robby was in the right there, but he needs a good smack. And so does Santos.

If belitting and humiliation or whatever aren't effective teachign tools, then maybe yelling in the hallway aren't either, Dr. Robby, buddy.

Oh, poor Victoria. Also, that was awkward as fuck.

"I wish you many Utahs." Awww, I love Dana.

OH JESUS H. CHRIST. NOW We have to hear Samira go on about how good Trinity is at this. lmao. Nah, she sucks, actually. If there is one bad writing issue in this show, it is how they are approaching Trinity. She is a complete shit doctor who occassionally gets lucky, and we have to hear the likes of Samira and Robby to go bad for the dumb girl while Trinity treats everyone else like shit.

I genuinely hope nothing good happens to Santos for the rest of this show. I haven't hated someone this strongly since Owen Hunt screamed at Cristina Yang.

Awww, Whitaker. Awww, the psych patient. Awwww warm fuzzies.

Oh, damn. Collins calling out fatphobia. NICE.

that fucking asshole punched DANA? what a fucking asshole.

[adventuresofanunrulygirl]

Something I think back on quite often with a lot of resentment is the time when I was 19 and I was dating one of the most toxic men I'd ever met. He was possessive in the extreme, dishonest, emotionally volatile, jealous of anyone who looked at me, and wouldn't let me have male friends. Once he wouldn't let me get out of the car to get away from him until we got into a deserted industrial area where he knew I'd be unsafe; another time he tossed my open purse outside onto the parking lot asphalt and pushed me out of the car when I was about to walk into work, told me I was ugly as I was crying about it, and I called out because I was so humiliated and upset. He told me he owned me and that he wanted to impregnate me so I couldn't leave. There are many other things I could mention but I just want to give an idea of what this man was.

As with all my worst boyfriends, his family hated me. This was a combination of only ever hearing his side of the story when we'd argue, and seeing me, an outsider, constantly in turmoil. People rarely are evolved enough to view the situation objectively, and will just side with whoever they're closest to. So eventually, his grandparents and sister began treating me with contempt, which was bewildering to me.

But the memory that sticks in my craw is this: I went to a Christmas party at his grandparents' house and was surprised that I received $20 as a gift. I was touched and said thank you, and after saying "You're welcome," the grandfather looked at me sternly and said, very slowly, deliberately and for all to hear: "(My name), we only know love in this house." It was said with the air of a warning. I was confused and said something like, "Oh...okay?" But later when I thought it over at home, I thought...

How fucking dare you, you ignorant, gaslighting piece of shit.

You know nothing about love, and neither do your equally judgmental wife, granddaughter, and abusive grandson. Nothing. I have thousands of reasons to feel angry, and each one is justified. Fuck you.

To be abused by a man and then to be treated as *the problem* that way in front of his entire family, and to be essentially told "Unlike you, we're all about love here" because they've seen me upset at being continuously abused by their psychopathic spawn, is a hell of a thing. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

I get worked up by this, but then I take a deep breath and remember: it's only a memory. The reality is that I've been done with that man and his family for almost 20 years, been 4B for about 3 years, and I never need to go back to being mistreated by a man ever again.

[trainingthots]

This cannot be to me Delicacy Love,

I do not think if you as anything of the sort, and if anyone is the Narcissistic Ass it is me. I love every single one of your flaws, especially your tendency to project your insecurity onto others. I do the same things only much worse. I am not using anything against you, i do not fight against you. Its one if the problems in our relationship, that i never could tell you no and that your self loathing meant my love for you made me the least desirable person in the god damn world to you. This man, so easy to degrade and humiliate, to use and despise their girl, got spun around and lost when i met you and fell in love. All of a sudden out of my element i only wanted to love, care and respect you, but had no idea how to do that because of the toxic awful person i was. When i felt like j was never going to get to love you and have you completely, i frustrated and angry at myself for being so ineffectual at the one thing i wanted did what i always do, fuck it all up and pretend that i only failed because it wasnt worth doing. How wrong i was. How wrong i still am if i make you feel this way. But the facts dont line up. I have not been critical of you, i am dealing with pain and loss, but it is helping me realize my awful mistakes and filling me with regret and the urge to do better and right by you. This is once again orobably not for me but for the man you actually love. I am so tired of gim being the one who breaks your heart. I am not the jealous type, but i am amgry that while i am hurt from finding out about all my pain and losing you, i feel so much empathy for you being jn pain from losing him. I am a total pathetic mess. I am sorry for your loss, and i hope to be there for you while you grieve.

You are not unlovable, and the abandonment thing is something i have always accepted and ignored. You have abandoned me so many times its ludicrous. I am not belittling you. I am trying to understand your growth and change while ignoring my own pain. Once again i am not doing the best job, but i am trying.

Nothing I do or post js against you. If someone is doing that it is not me. There is a lot of stuff done in my name that is not me these days. Close your eyes, open your heart and know i would never intentionally hurt you. It is all love from me. I will not criticize you, i will not shame you, i will not even tell people what is going on with me because it risks people thinking poorly on you, and i will not have it.

Forever Your Cheerleader,

The Marquis De Sad

Unlovable

To you,

I'm a narcissist and you know it's true. I've projected all my insecurities just to protect this fragile ego. Now that you've exposed me, I can admit the truth about my low self-esteem and self-worth. I'm temperamental and throw tantrums like a child. I'm narrow-minded and get defensive in arguments. I hide the truth about my life because I genuinely hate myself and all my flaws. It's who I am. 

Thank you for showing me how little respect you have for me. I now understand your intentions of making me feel the pain and dishonesty I have inflicted onto you. There's no need for defending myself at this point if you feel encouraged to make me feel like the most ruthless immature person that has existed. I'm glad you feel a sense of fulfillment in your quest to making me aware of the hateful person I am. 

It's true that I'm unlovable. Everything I attach myself to doesn't truly belong to me. I chose to abandon both myself and others, so please continue writing about how much you despise me. Use everything against my will to prove to me that I was a mistake in your life. I deserve to be agonized and shamed for trying to love you.

You said it yourself that I look like shit, so please let me continue to deteriorate alone. I am unworthy of love and believe I will continue to be just an option. To tell you the truth, you were the first person I felt comfortable being around without a mask. I could be my most authentic autistic self with you, without fear that you'd abandon me for my weirdness. When I felt unsafe, you were always the first person I’d turn to because I gave you the key to my tender heart. I guess it never meant anything anyways.

The narcissist in me is frustrated that I can't control your desire to use my pictures, trauma, and love against me. If you wish to continue belittling me just to prove how terrible a human I am, you've already done an amazing job. And still, I can never hate you because I already hate my life, and you don't deserve that. I'm sorry for being unlovable. 

Me

February the last, 1966 Anne Sexton, from Complete Poems

[schizononagesimus]

🎶 they tried to make me go to rehab and i said PLEASE PLEASE HOLY FUCK I FEEL SO BAD WILL NOBODY HELP ME I CANT STOP WHY DOESNT ANYBODY NOTICE HOW BAD IT IS PLEASE HELP

[mooshkat]

always three steps behind huh

[undistortedworld]

i think if i go to work today i may actually explode or turn into a puddle of mush or some other sort of physical manifestation of a mental breakdown

[bbrabbits]

im like sincerely so sorry bc my most shameful flaw is that envy is one of my favorite characters in the entirety of fma which is like. listen it's genuinely irredeemable but she knew exactly what she was doing when she made envy the pinnacle of gender envy bc my non-binary ass is NOT immune to feeling the gender envy to the highest degree for that little freak

[my-thirteenth-reason]

kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)

[casboobs]

"it's okay to not know. you're not dumb for not knowing. you're not uncool for not knowing. you weren't there you couldn't have known. you should not feel ashamed asking is not a crime." daily affirmations i tell myself

[petrichorium]

The fav I have the most frequent (and most intense) fights with is actually jing yuan btw

[intertexts]

i need to stop letting myself be manipulated into doing shit after ive explicitly said i wouldn't do it im literally so bad at just balking....

[kimmkitsuragi]

omw to apply for the same master's program that ACCEPTED me but i rejected the offer because i had no money no scholarship nothing (still dont have money btw)

[britneyshakespeare]

You know. Sorry for another sporadic unprompted post about that friend who has caused me so much trauma in the past year. But I remember this one time his old high school friend I met once, he's really nice I liked him a lot. Cool guy. But he lives far away so they don't meet up a lot but they text. One time he sent this friend some pictures of us that were taken at a cooking class that he'd been bothering me into going to despite that it was all the way in Boston, there was a lot of walking to get to it, etc. And I was like constantly feeling sick and run down and exhausted from having Covid recently. He texted his friends those pictures of the two of us and his friend asked "Are you and Diana dating lol" like pretty innocently but honestly curious.

And he just replied "Are you fucking high" and he showed me and told me about it. Like. Like it was uncomfortable for HIM to be asked that.

Like his response isn't SUPER INSULTING TO ME.