#i hate being this miserable but no one fucking cares | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

falloutelephant · 2 years ago

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it’s getting bad againnnnnn

#but I don’t know how else to get people to care #because straight up asking doesn’t work #i hate being this miserable but no one fucking cares #colin and thomas and that’s it #haven’t heard from anyone else in over a week #haven’t heard from one since 2022 #i’m just done #i’m tired #i don’t want to be here #the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my niece #and the only thing stopping me from an attempt is the knowledge that inpatient will SUCK ASS if i’m not successful #i’m only gonna try if i know it’ll work #i’m so fucking miserable

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serpentface · 3 months ago

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Don't get too attached

#Brakul did a lot of the parenting for Erubi (the first of the Janeys-Brakul-Hibrides throuple bastard children) in infancy especially due #to Hibrides going through absolutely horrific post-partum depression (and not wanting to be a parent to begin with. Like she #had accepted it as an inevitability and a duty but when it actually happened it was just like Oh God. I am in hell)#Brakul is the only one of the three that actually Wants to be a parent and the fact that he can't behave as such in order to avoid #suspicion that he's the father is kind of a living nightmare for him a little.#Not like he isn't involved in his ''''nieces''' lives given he lives in the same household but he has to keep a bit of distance.#Janeys and especially Hibrides are pretty unsympathetic about this. For Hibrides it's like she has had to go through so much shit #to maintain this situation she never asked to be a part of and when he has to go through a fraction of that he breaks the fuck down.#He only wants the benefits of the whole situation and isn't willing to deal with the consequences.#This is also one of the very few things she's sympathetic with Janeys about like she respects that he's at least willing to play #his part and be miserable without bitching to her about it. Like she fucking hates him but respects the commitment to the bit.#Janeys is more just like 'Just go make more kids if you want your own so damn bad. Get a wife or something. That's what I #had to do and look at me I'm doing great I'm so normal'#The two kids aren't present on the pilgrimage (back home under the care of a hired tutor) but the Janeys-Brakul-Hibrides #Feeling Triangle are in a fucking tailspin over her being pregnant again like goddddd not this shit again #brakul red dog

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arundolyn · 2 months ago

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ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode

#crow.txt #the absolute levels of stress im under could create diamonds out of free floating carbon atoms my fucking god #can i have. Literally just one day of peace. just one!! fuck!!!!#at least now i have SOME validation from everyone else of shit that mom has honestly kinda always done #be absolutely furious and bitchy usually for no good goddamn reason and then immediately turn it off to look good in front of someone else #i had a feeling mom coming home was gonna be utterly miserable sooner rather than later #i literally cannot leave my room without her yelling for dad bc she thinks im him i guess. she has gotten him up like 4 times now #what the fuck do you want any of us to doooooooooooo. according to dad shes also just been really fucking hateful today #including to her SISTER who has been facilitating literally everything medically for her for the last month plus #like on one hand i know its hard and frustrating etc etc absolutely. on the other. what the fuck are you yelling at any of us for!#whatd we do! not a damn thing for the most part! holy shit im exhausted #and then im sure she will have the audacity to wonder why i dont really want to interact with her much rn #its very apparent she doesnt really understand whats going on or how much of anything works at this point including hospice care #but i truly cannot help you when your knee jerk response is to yell and be abusive. like. dads not been great either #bc hes also one to bitch and moan and yell abt shit. but like. so is mom. more than usual #and ill actually be damned if i let her treat me like that honestly ever again. like idk for once i can just #walk away from this behavior with zero consequences. i dont have to take it anymore. im not free but at least im fuckin closer than i was #guess my aunt wasnt kidding when she said her being coherent and rational last week might be the calm before the storm

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t4tvglow · 16 days ago

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it happened so early in the morning and i am STILL frothing with rage over this text my boss sent me

#unreasonable unbelievable targeting me bullshit like what is your problem what is your PROBLEM #are you punishing me preemptively for telling you i'm going back to school? LOL? cuz sure That makes me wanna stay!#i am splitting so viciously on her right now and i can't even care to wish i wasn't #this was the last fucking straw mentally for me on Trusting This Boss #and i sure as shit can't trust the one above her #i am soooo mad i am so mad i am so mad i am so mad #i just want to be transferred out already and start part time work somewhere else NOW #if i can leave earlier i fucking will #i will be without insurance for a bit but i can try to get on some fast #i just. ooh! ooooh!!!! you little fucker!!!!!!!!#i cannot trust a single person in the front of the building anymore #and i have to sit next to my least favorite person in the back now #and i am just. utterly miserable right now i am Miserable at this job that isn't even as bad as it could be #but holy shit the petty condescending bullshit is driving me fucking up the wall #i can't look at any of them!!!! without feeling intense hatred!!!!#i have no social life outside of work and i can't talk to ANYONE there about this because it'd just find its way back to her!!!!#i can't tell HR because it's not that serious! except it's driving my mental health into a tailspin!#but i still can't tell anyone!!!!!!!! because what proof do i have that she's singling me out!#even tho she has NEVER FUCKING DONE THIS TO OR ABOUT OTHER PPL #i can't Prove that and i sure as shit can't sit down with her and talk to her about my feelings #no job is ever fucking safe to do that in #i just want to walk into a river honestly like i need work so i can pay for college but i wanna be in college already and be Out of here #i just wanna skip to the END of college when i'm actually able to be a nurse and i can feel less like the butt monkey at work #i hate hate HATE being at the bottom of the totem pole i am literally nothing there even though they need me to function #but oh my gd the Looks people give me when i walk in a room like they expect bad news or to be annoyed #sorry for asking questions! would you rather i fuck up and you have to clean up the mess?#i clean up everyone else's messes all day!#they ARE going to feel it when i am not there anymore #you'd think they wouldn't be such cunts to me now but Nope. nope! almost All cunts.#i am so fucking angry at my boss in particular though that text fucking triggered rage i haven't felt in months

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tardis--dreams · 28 days ago

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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care

#i have 14 hours overtime #collected within 2 weeks lol #you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're #the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's #still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way #so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for #free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week #so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me #first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day #stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the #articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared #but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he #he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world #fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday #just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not #being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU #seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour #of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni #as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too #sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess #void screams #work stuff

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la0hu · 1 month ago

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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god

#p #i'm actually sick of making room for people like this #it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7 #would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize #which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation #it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw #and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that #it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem #the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice #sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to #i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong #she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care #she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit #i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up #because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview #but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones #but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related #maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community #have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness #you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it #even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself

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mutalune · 5 months ago

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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery

#starlight personal #it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in #my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires #like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful #and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these #I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now #SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME #I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do #if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning #the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH #WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT #AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE #basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics #I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out #2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation #time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh #that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral #to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first #see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP #SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG

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pepprs · 1 year ago

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the mortifying ordeal of today being a potluck day.

#purrs #delete later #it’s been 3.5 years since i last was at one and somehow it’s exactly as miserable as it was before if not worse. also why am i being fucking #guilt tripped into doing this and participating in it. im fucking 24 years old. i should get to choose how to spend my time. i should not be #a prop to make my mom look good for running the perfect vegan family. like it sounds like a cartoon but i don’t fucking care about being #vegan and i never did. i just got scared into it and i fucking resent being a prop put on display and unable to do what i want because i #have all this shit in my head about what’s healthy and what’s not and what will make my mom and her community ashamed of me. i fucking hate #these potlucks i hate having to be fake nice to the people who go to them who are so annoying and revolting and i hate being fucking TWENTY #FOUR and forced into doing things i don’t want to do because im afraid of my mom and afraid of myself. my weekends are precious. my choices #are precious. i am not a child anymore. i do not exist to make her look good or feel better about herself. my thoughts and choices are my #own and i own them. i do not want to have anything to do with this and i never did. people are going to get all in my face and im going to h #have to act like a kid again and make myself small and it’s so EMBARRASSING i am an adult!!!!!! im a late bloomer but im an adult. and i get #to choose my life and i get to rebel if i want to. but im not brave enough and we have to go in an hour 30. fucking hellllll #like the fact that my family hosts these. and it’s seen as a FAMILY thing when it’s just my mom. 💀💀💀💀 like please let me have my own life a #and interests and spend my time the way i want to. lol #food #ask to tag

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ice-reblogs · 11 months ago

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If there is a God

I want to rip out my uterus with my bare hands and devour it like a rabid animal in front of him

And after I'm done, I want to stand up and look at him, blood dripping from my jaw; and tell him to pray for my forgiveness for making me suffer in the wrong body

#bite it strike #this is not meant to be offensive. but if you take offense to it- well im sorry #my cramps are fucking killing me this week- they hurt so bad and i havent even actually started yet #i desperately want to get a hysterectomy- but because i was born a female. i cant. i either HAVE to have kids (which i dont fucking want---#----its one of the reasons i want a hysterectomy in the first place) or i have to be dying of cancer or some shit #being a female at birth is miserable when it comes to health care =]#i hate it here #anyway! i want to fucking die rn- just curl up and rot away #i meant to say month instead of week- but i do usually cramp a week before i start

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siobhanromee · 11 months ago

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why does no one understand the importance of privacy any more (/nobody here)