#like im sorry not much good is going on w me rn | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mondaymelon · 1 day

Text

choose . post options (and random ass q&a) utc !!

-> temporarily pinning this . old pinned !!

"ohhh melon why did you close asks ohhhh melon why arent u taking req" - you, maybe

i closed asks bc i got burnt out answering them !! sorry sorry i suck at interaction even online , they piled up so much i lost a lot of motivation in answering them but hopefully ill get through most of em .. at some point

if you really really need to talk to me like for some reason you genuinely will explode if u don't i do have a sideblog so. just scamper over to there idk

as for reqs... oh man they havent been open for a good half year.. the day will come if i either run out of ideas (which is. uhm probably not possible) , reach record heights of delusional , or simply feel like it . though keep in mind i do selective reqs!! ill only write the ones im interested in qq

"what about the events and series you never finished melon what of them are you abandoning your children" - you, perhaps

hahahahh uhm. im really bad w commitment. so yes, most likely. that one forgotten coffee shop au with kavetham that never even got its first chapter is never coming back.

names once whispered on the breeze (smau) hasn't been posted since like last year june .. i lost interest in the formatting since i gen like writing long posts more and also i did have a plan for the plot but it was shit and i lost interest. sorry for all the people who supported and loved the series but i couldn't reciprocate that same love. i am not paying child support either

500+ and halloween events... in the former didnt expect to get so many requests, and writing 3-ish took every ounce of soul in me. as for halloween, it was fun to write but since im a stupid little 瓜 i couldn't figure out how to end the series. 4 chpaters and a cliffhanger is all yall are getting :P

"melon how could you do this you big fat meanie i am going to boohoo and shit all over u" - you, to the slightest possibility

ok now why would you do that

thanks please vote mwah ilyall

62 notes · View notes

thecolorsfucked · 2 years

Text

.

#its like anything involving me that isnt like super positive just gets no anything from my friends now #i cant just complain and vibe bcuz they assume i want emotional support they can't give #and they just default and placate like okay i didnt even ask u for this #i just wanted to talk about how im getting revenge on someone #like im sorry not much good is going on w me rn #but like god idk whatever ill just only talk to friends when its super positive or unrelated to my life #im not a friend anymore just something to take care of ig idk #this is why i hate relying on ppl in any capacity man #they either get resentful or they take on too much and burn out #like i tell ppl to take space when theynneed it i respect those boundaries when theyre in place #i try to voice my needs #ik i get shitty and lash out and rly miserable but fuck dude im trying #ive only told one person about crying the other day #despite that being how ive spent this past two weeks so like #idk man wtf #what do ppl want from me #they just want me to be better and im not getting their and it freaks them out ig #whatever

2 notes · View notes

milkbreadtoast · 3 months

Text

looking back at the yjh webtoon screencaps i have saved and giggling... hes so cute... moe... my pookie ^___^ 🥰🥰 poor little meow meow woof woo- *eliminated where i stand*

also these poses are sooooo... 꺄아악🖤🫣🫣🫣🫣

#talk tag #orv liveblog #<--gonna just tag my orv misc posts as this now #i looooove when the webtoon artist draws him like a demonic beast #its genuinely so moe to me smdbsndn like hes supposed to be rly handsome but theyre not afraid to make him look unhinged #i rmbr livetweeting that yjh hibernation pic captioned 'hes so moe'... apparently that was 2022(just dug it up)#more than 1 person has told me that theyre surprised i bias yjh from the webtoon alone #bc apparently they dont do his chara justice(v 😔😔😔 to hear that...thats not good..)#BUT HOW COULD I NOT BIAS HIM!!!! (apparently this is not a universal experience aldjskdj)#this just makes me even more uncontrollably excited to read the novel i cant wait to love him more than i alr do #and i love when he glares and makes a disgusted face at kdj... its so cute 🤭 he's like an angry black dog to me. hes like a wolf puppy #*tries to pat his head and gets cut down in .00001 sec... no he wouldnt waste his sword on me... i would simply perish from being in the #the presence of his aura #literally the tsundere ever #aside from hiei... hiei rly primed me to like male tsunderes guys #like after him i have loved sm tsundere male charas since #yjh is in a league of his own tho. like idc how many similar/near identical charas have come before or since #he OWNS the yjh archetype literally everyone else is just copying him <33 #even if it was a choice btwn yjh and cedric id have to go w yjh... he is the original im sorry... i love u cedric #and i love that the whole point is that his design/chara archetype ISNT supposed to be original... thats the Point #he's the typical op dark haired stoic cold brooding (and sexy) protagonist...#his chara concept is supposed to be that trope... but what orv does w him is so subversive #and the fact that he is supplanted from his position as the protag in the narrative... i love it sooo much #like maybe i wouldnt care as much if he actually was the protag? bc again it wouldnt rly be new #but the fact that he isnt the actual protag is sooo good #IM NOT RLY SAYING OR ANALYZING ANYTHING RN BUT I JUST FELT LIKE YJH LOVEPOSTING #o sidenote his webtoon faces make great rxn images slfnsmd I LOVE USING THE FIRST ONE #i love using heartwrenching anime/comic moments out of context as rxn images its so funny to me #me @ the orv live action cast announcement

49 notes · View notes

dukeofthomas · 22 days

Text

I'm so mad that so far the only good robin!jason content i've ever found is his original run. Everything i've seen since has just been making him out to be the Angry Bad Problem Child and victim blaming him for dying. How is it that the only fucking good characterization of him is 20 issues from the 1980s

#my dc posting #jason todd #dc #jaybin #robin jason todd #i love jaybin so much but by god there is no fucking content #ppl are just obsessed w making him out to be Bad and Angry to make him becoming red hood make more sense in their heads #look thats what he was always going to be. that what he was always on the track for. look at how angry and unstable he was #SHUT UPPP #from comics anything told to me abt his time as robin after his death means nothing to me #everyone has a different version of canon in their mind and mine will never include a single bit of info abt jaybin said after his death #i have the most horrible brainrotting ''he would not fucking say that'' abt jaybin. nobody gets him like i dooo #<- said as someone who has been angry and problematic and difficult since a young age bc of trauma and mental illness and shit #AND JASON WASNT EVEN HALF AS BAD AS ME #im gonna go reread his og robin run. my safe space #sorry im being soooo annoying abt jaybin rn i just. i love him #i feel like most people only see jaybin as the precursor to red hood #jaybin is only worth something as the backstory of red hood #which like. its fine to like the red hood version of him most #but i like jaybin :( he's my robin. like if there's a robin in a story i'd want it to be jason #so many fics would be sooo good to me if they did not unnecessarily have jason arguing with bruce abt the no-kill thing while STILL ROBIN??#like what are we doing thereeee #ok sorry im done being annoying and venty and whiny now

33 notes · View notes

maxphilippa · 5 months

Text

uh. vent art. or something. losing yourself and losing everyone who you cared about as a result

#inanimate insanity #inanimate insanity invitational #ii #ii 2 #ii 3 #inanimate insanity cabby #. that's it #i'm. so so exhausted.#i feel like i'm actually going to throw up from how disgusted i am with myself #of course they wouldn't want to be friends w/me of course they don't like talking to me anymore #i am too broken to even be a good friend #hell even my best friend is leaving my side lately #i don't want to go back. i don't want to see them again tomorrow. i don't want to.#i don't want to feel like i'm insignificant i was doing so good why does it hurt why is it hurting now #i don't want to feel like death is the only solution i don't want to i don't want to be alone i don't want to be forgotten #i don't want to be unloved just because i can't fix myself anymore #i don't have anything to offer anymore i'm so so sorry i wish i did i wish i was still happy and healing #i wish i was i wish i was im sorry i can't.#sigh. well can't do much about it now anyway. uh yeah cabby is my mood rn. also talking about irl friends here.#god this was so bad i need to die rn #cw vent #cw sui mention #i guess #mhm. i think i need a therapist

23 notes · View notes

palms-upturned · 2 months

Text

.

#meg talks #just venting #im in so much pain it’s not even funny #im sorry for being inactive for so long i really was not anticipating this #the good news is ive made a lot of progress on compiling the spreadsheet for vetted gaza funds #so that once ive cleared out the dms i can add additional mods and get the ball rolling properly again #the bad news is that my insomnia is back and my pain is getting so bad i can barely get out of bed or eat #i don’t think it’s related to the fundraising work so much as… everything else -_-#i didn’t want to be out of a job for this long #and having to send so many applications and make so many fucking unhelpful phone calls a day to doctors and help centers…#idk. this isn’t me complaining abt the fundraiser work if anything it’s the only rewarding thing im doing rn #but im frustrated w myself and with my body and with. everything #it’s not just my own family relying on me anymore #and that makes it hard to deal with all this. like i could be using my time and energy way better than this.#but instead im playing phone tag to try and prove that im disabled and need to feed my brothers.#im just cjdhxgxjcncj sigh. whatever if i can just get over this hump then the rest will be downhill #and my friend is going to help me w cooking this weekend so that me and my bros can eat better #so hopefully that will give me a boost too #idr where i was going w this. probably nowhere jdgdjdnxnc im just miserable rn bc i can’t sleep and my leg hurts

14 notes · View notes

munamania · 9 months

Text

ok im a really chill and normal person and i get over things and am well adjusted but take a walk with me here. just give me my time to complain when im not in the absolute fucking trenches. and yes i believe i suffered more than those in trench warfare. it was literally a lesbian situationship with a bistraight girl come on. just. magenta choppy shag with the roots coming in. camo cargo pants black t shirt with red lettering and striped long sleeve (sign someone likes music. confirmed). lip ring big black stud earrings and nails. red docs. i think lesbians should be allowed to kill one dyke baiter in their lifetime idc

#and now we're gonna get into some quiet parts and youre just gonna let me have this #i. am so sick. first of all it was kinda funny how people ik ended up sorta surrounding her. felt good. but like we've shared a space #together since everything. i can like be in her presence it's seriously fine. that said. i do sometimes miss her #i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she #s. but i mean it's me talking i have my problems too. i Hate the way we always so naturally act in sync. and i hate that we've both picked #each others' brains for hours so it's like. i knew you once and now we can't even look each other in the eye and that just really sucks #and i feel like. not that i strictly believe in these things. but we were sort of twin flames. i largely suffered for like. basically #falling in love w her. and i know i didn't leave as much of a mark. but i still hope it sucked a little for her #and i'll admit i think it'd be some sort of miracle if we could ever talk civilly. unfortunately we work in two ways #literally behaving in Ways and borderline fucking or not speaking. so. here we are #and i already humiliatingly tried to extend an olive branch this summer so im not gonna be fucking stupid. yk #but GOD how annoying. i did talk to situationship today and we were relatively normal so at least that's not deathly awkward #it's still. definitely um. stiff. but not terrible #i need to get to the club. pretend theres a cig emoji im on desktop rn #sorry for this.#film girl saga

10 notes · View notes

cerealmonster15 · 3 months

Text

jesus christ like i only finished the sumeru story like a few months ago but i already forgot your literal first intro to kaveh is a scene of several minutes of him and alhaitham fully bitching at each other

#GIRLJFDSKLFHFKLSJG they are FIGHTINGGGGG god they have so many issues <3 #it's sweet to see them get along a lil more in recent stuff #but also so very funny when they still argue #but also MY GOD the situation was DIRE like going back and watching rn. hoougfhghfdh lol #it's SOOO funny tho like #kaveh as a person is very reactive in general #but like. alhaitham isnt. hes normally sooo monotone and cool and collected or whatever #but you put kaveh into the scene and hes like Oh I Have To End This Man #his voice actually fluctuates so much and hes such a little BITCH!!!! the way they fight like petty teenagers 😭😭😭#ughghhhghgh kaveh ur the special one bc youre the one hes got all the history and the angst and the affection with lol #sorry it's 130am and im back to my old sleep deprivation habits and im coping via thinking about alhaitham and kaveh #anyway kavehs so funny hes in this scene like TELL ME WHATS GOING ON TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME #alhaitham: shut the fuck up also when are YOU gonna build a COOL MANSION HUH???????#kaveh: MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!!!!! <- ok king of hypocrisy jkaJKLFDJSKLFJ #the way that they both are. good lord. im obsessed with them SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AS IF IT'S MY FAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULT #ive heard clips from i think both voice actors saying how theyre like yeah i made sure to change the tone of voice when theyre talkin #about each other specifically fkljsdjfkldsb JEEZE!!!!!!!#alhaithams so funny hes like hehehehe i almost became a grand sage while you were gone 😏 heh he ha ha bitch #like god he has so much fun bullying kaveh he literally almost never Experiences Joy in other situations #<- havent. dont i say this about jamil also. that often times jamils rare laugh animation plays when hes bullying azul. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also i love that kaveh is just fully Yelling in the library or whatever. i mean it's the ~house of daena~ or w/e but also there are books #it is a library and hhe is so loud. i love u kaveh #sometimes it's so confusing tho like kaveh will very much be angrily yelling but his animations going 😃#like wh. what was the tone in the original fjksldjfskld #i did see once ALLEGEDLY. someone said that the og chinese dialogue between them is a bit less aggressive #and a lil more playful bantering? IM NOT SURE if that's true tho thats just a random comment i saw once

5 notes · View notes

hexados-on-a-string · 1 year

Text

spectragus dont get enough credit for being a sun and moon ship but like. destructive sun and moon ship. sun and moon ship but they're the forces of nature the sun and moon actually are. the sun is harsh and relentless and unpredictable in its evil but also it's kindness, the moon is sharp and cold and cruel, a harsh light that doesn't allow you peace, but can also guide you, a light in the darkness. even on nights with a new moon, with no light in the sky, the moon is always reflecting the sun, and it'll be that way until they come to their end.

#spectragus give me a dopamine high that any sort of drug couldn't even come close to giving me #its the loyalty. its the seeing each other at their worst and still staying.#its the being the only person still around who knows and understands what youve been through #its the being so important to each other's characters that u cant mention one without recognising the impact the other has on them #i dont rlly do shipping unless its funny but also im a huge gus fan so like. yea. plus my view on romance is a bit all over the place anyway #something something my skrunkles deserve complicated relationships that are more than romantic but something else #its the trust thats the most important thing to me. trust and loyalty and devotion and #im sorry but i would have exploded if i like. didn't write down these thoughts #anyways fucked up gay people who are a package deal and that is a threat thats them #ik the majority of my posts are hee hee funnie and i usually dont take things too seriously #but these two have taken up part of my brain permanently since i was 8. like. they just live there. rent free.#i am like rabid rn. i am feral and i am insane and i am crazy and there are so many things wrong with me #i cant even write down all my fuckin thoughts there's so many my brain is going to Explode pray for me #idk if u understand how important it is to me the times they show kindness even while at their worst #they're not good people but they have people they care about and they care abt each other and that matters SO much #i take 0 criticism on my posts i only take cash. however there is no possible criticism to be made bc i am RIGHT #also this all kinda sparked from me getting obsessed with a certain kh character who has a connection to the moon #who is also one of my favourite characters ever #and if u know who it is and u also like him ur very cool #im not tagging this w character tags. im like. very shy. but #i love gus i love spectra i love spectragus #anyways see u next time where i should hopefully have art maybe potentially #i found the brushes i used to use back when i did lineless art so i am rlly happy

11 notes · View notes

toytulini · 4 months

Text

thinking about my oc Bytte. and. her gender is Aro. her Aromanticism is inextricable from her gender experience.

#toy txt post #i love to make an alloaro oc whos a woman navigating a usually masculine role in society far before we ever coined aromanticism #whos Aromanticism informs so much about her but with no language to adequately describe it she doesnt really know how #and so she does kinda blow up her relationships by accident bc she does Want human connection #and what she Wants is to fuck someone whos friends with her and chill about it who will just be fucking Normal about it #and Not Make It A Big Thing and also for other people to not make it a big thing and they can hang out and be friends #but never fucking domesticize her. and its in part a rejection of the misogynistic role of Wife in historic (and even modern) society of #course but its also a rejection of the relationship hierarchy of Wife. of the romanticization. bc of her circumstances the only role on #offer of course has been Wife. but in the hypothetical situation where she was offered the role of Husband? she would at first probably #accept that. in theory. it sounds fine. sure. but if she tried to LIVE like that. to Live even as a Husband. it would Also be Wrong. to put #any of her relationships into that framework is to fundamentally ruin them forever. and she is living in a society that wants that to be #the only framework. anyway its crazy how ive made a character like that exactly Twice at least #(Bytte and Lucille. Bytte is a bit more genderfucky than Lucille. Lucilles gender is also ugly violent scary woman. for reasons)#both of these characters rn are cis. well. not /cis/ cis but theyre afab and women bc i want to explore that but i am thinking lately about #a transfem take. to explore. ive considered it and i dont think i want that for Bytte? all that means is watch out for future ocs #i could do a character very similar to Bytte as transfem and it would be really good but theres something about #and honestly it would probably make more SENSE for Bytte? due to gender roles in like ancient sparta or whatever?#but if shes transfem in sparta i think there would be subtle nuanced differences in how ppl interact w her that i dont necessarily want for #her? if that makes sense. i know this reasoning sounds weak in a vacuum but i Promise i have way more characters than this and i do want to #explore things differently. i promise there are complex transfem characters in witchverse and also complex characters whos asab im not #decided on yet. there are some im not sure i ever want to be decided on? the downside of being incredibly specific about fictional #characters is that it doesnt leave you all room for headcanons #sorry. good news is you can go make your own ocs about it 👍 idk. much to explore. much to think about #also sometimes a ''''cis'''' character CAN have a fun gender to play with honestly its just that mainstream media Never does #so theres no good way to be like no but listenn i swear its fun #anyway this is all moot cos im not a fucking writer im just making up little guys and doing nothing #also anyway. i think my gender is also aro and a little ace. personally. also before u get mad at me about these 2 ocs being like #probelmatic aro rep or smth: 1) aforementioned its moot anyway im not even a writer 2) these arent the only alloaro ocs i have its just #funny that i made this one twice lmao 3) my brain is huge. my ocs are rad. suck my ass. ♡#if only i Was a writer tho god. thered be sooooo many aro characters fr fr

3 notes · View notes

crunchycrystals · 4 months

Text

fall guy brain rot time !!!!!!! i was wondering why i enjoyed this more than free guy despite me thinking objectively free guy's plot has less holes in it so i do consider the plot objectively better, but then i realized like fall guy just feels so much more sincere to me. every aspect of it is coated in this love for film and tv making and the medium as a whole

#crunchyposts #movies #i love them both dont get me wrong im just having a fall guy moment rn !!!!!#i left the theater and realized damn none of the jokes i could really remember punched down on anyone #meanwhile cough cough gamer sock joke in free guy. i hate that joke lol #i think free guy's a pretty sincere movie too just like. you know what im getting at right #the emotional beats of fall guy just feel so much more intense than free guy thats a bit of a trade off for reynolds' sarcasm and stuff #like i do not buy his more dramatic moments but guy's one of his more sincere characters !!!!!! its all just kinda coated in #this vibe that like. corporational???? the love is for original and creative art and general #but not really video games specifically the way fall guy is to movies #i love free guy btw i just cant really express my thoughts well rn #also bc free guy fumbled the romance bag at the end a bit lol its a good ending just not as well executed as it couldve been imo #meanwhile it is the Heart and Soul of fall guy no matter what its the most important part of the movie #the free guy soul is like clearly the outside world scenes w keys and millie but reynolds is the main guy so like. they have to #take a bit of a backseat #am i making sense sorry lol im turning of rbs of this my thoughts are not in order #ill rewatch both at some point and get it together !!!!!! ive planned on rewatching both anyways #maybe im a bit biased rn bc im in the midst of a minor fall guy hyperfixation but to be fair i was also in a free guy hyperfixation #briefly #post over this will go forever if i dont stop rn lol #tfg

5 notes · View notes

hellheld · 9 months

Text

i may have realized that harlot is actually going to be very difficult to ship with IUHRGUIEGTKJR

#they're so painfully slow burn...................................i'm so sorry #me learning the nuances of how harlot interacts w/ ppl outside of my head: oh. oh you're not like you were supposed to be #harlot: i don't wanna fuck i want to sing and fight and maybe be crushed by a hydraulic press #LIKE THAT STILL FITS THEIR ORIGINAL DESIGN BUT??????? I THOUGHT THEY'D BE MORE DTF #even if /i/ don't wanna fuck my muses usually do UIGRHETIURYJ #shakes harlot. did i break you by giving you your specific brand of trauma and half-divine blood that can kill demons #in hindsight yeah that was fucked up of me im sorry i ruined your potential sex life buddy #i need to sleep #i didn't become aware of how much i was fighting my sleep meds until i started talking to someone and i went oh. oh no #and now this post is also a good reflection of why i should be in bed rn instead iuwghretjk #FUCK TUMBLR STILL DOESNT REMEMBER MY OOC TAG #* ooc: let's go lesbians!#TRYING AGAIN

3 notes · View notes

whomturgled · 1 year

Text

i have so many feelings and i hate it

#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and #and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and #i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and #its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine #and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like #be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work #even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much #and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea #and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an #auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them #i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk #i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all #i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but #ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u #ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are #i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too #but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf #i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc #like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk #i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can #like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and #more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff #i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m #bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh

5 notes · View notes

piplupod · 11 months

Text

yet again i am trying to figure out how much to tell the counselor/therapist about how bad things are getting bc the considerations i must take into account include:

1) will i be put into the psych ward for this, and

2) will telling a professional actually help me, what kind of help would actually be available for this, and

3) are they going to give me more medications that don't actually address or fix the root of the problem while still giving me awful side effects that I'm just supposed to deal with and hopefully not end up in the hospital for

#i am going to try to not be around much on here but djfjdkdl that never happens for very long #on one hand i need to not be online bc it's fucking w my head a lot and im teetering close to an actual Episode #but on the other hand. i have no other sources of socializing other than the dbt group once a week #and socializing helps anchor me in reality but. it has to happen online. which fucks w my head bc im just holding this magic little device #and having to trust that theres an actual real person on the other side and that its not all just some made up program I'm talking to #esp w how ai is rn. even video chats could be made up!! i don't know!!!#but honestly even in person im getting a bad feeling like everyone is fake and im making this all up. so. ha. goody goody great for me :)))#also i am really sorry for staying so quiet about current events but i am struggling to avoid this possible psychotic episode #if i can get my shit under control then i will be looking into things more and helping spread info !!!#I'm just really struggling to keep my head firmly in reality rn and maybe that's not a good enough reason idk #but i just... really want to avoid being put into the psych ward or my parents catching wind of me having these reality issues fjfkdl #anyways wah wah poor me I know sorry. i promise i am trying to look at things when i can. hopefully i can engage soon #paranoia tw #delusions tw

2 notes · View notes

smoothoperador · 1 year

Text

.

#sorry i need to vent ignore this #my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit #bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer #and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted #but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but #now i hate it again i hate it so much #ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN #and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but #i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers #but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but #it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression #like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be #in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly #to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and #i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn #im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now #i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it #clara tais toi #like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO #preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and #the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like #it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted #dl later

2 notes · View notes

welcometogrouchland · 1 year

Text

I love dipping my toes back into comics, remembering all the C and D list characters I love and getting that sense of intrigue again, sliding into headcanon territory like "MAN if they just made a series about this they'd totally have me hooked again!". Then I continue reading about the state of current comics (i.e where those C and D list characters are rn and what the state of canon is) and think about the amount of complexity and set up you'd need to even get halfway close to the perfect vision in your head and how impenetrable current comics are so you wouldn't even know where to start with catching up...

And then I'm once again relieved that I'm not caught up with comics anymore and am simply backreading now irrelevant comics at a glacial pace

#ramblings of a lunatic #posts inspired by me catching up (via osmosis) the current state of flash comics #s/o to irey west #you could have such a good turn as impulse if DC would let you your brother and bart progress (according to the vision in my head!)#same thing w/ the current superman run that's apparently on going #i am Very intrigued by the premise of lex apparently a) leaving his company to clark and b) wanting to team up w/ superman #as well as whatever Marilyn Moonlights deal is (SHE SEEMS SO COOL FROM HER INITIAL TEASER APPEARANCE)#but i simply cannot look past the convoluted state of the superfam rn with how present they seem to be in current comics #again there's 17 yr old jon (im glad you're bisexual but sorry that (age up) happened to you)#but also there's. twins now??? huh????#they're revamping power girl???? huh #it's just. too much. it intimidates me #maybe my current goal will just be to keep reading gww ms marvel til the romance bores me (bc i think it gets romance heavy after a while?)#and then try and finally finish sandman (i like the anthology stand alone issues more than the story ones tho tbh...)#but also idk man. comics have so many things i love and they've been on my brain recently but trying to enjoy them at this moment #nigh impossible. i do not know where to start

3 notes · View notes