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allbuthuman · 2 years ago

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On Dazai's possible diagnoses

As a psych postgrad with an interest in psychopathology who's been rotating him in my brain for over a year, I thought I should put my two cents out there. This is probably gonna be long, so buckle up.

So, let's start with what he doesn't have: Borderline Personality Disorder

If it's a headcanon then by all means go ahead, but I really don't see Dazai having the disorder based on canon info. Because this is a take I see often, I will go through all the symptoms one by one and explain why I disagree.

A BPD diagnosis requires 5 of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

I don't wanna get too much into attachment patterns, but Borderline fear of abandonment is largely preoccupied in nature, while Dazai is extremely avoidant. There is a difference between efforts to avoid abandonment and resignation to loneliness. Dazai experiences the second - he does say that everything he holds dear will be lost, but that's something he has accepted. He does nothing to change it. He is resigned. No such effort is being made on his part.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation

I can see why someone would think such instability would be true for Dazai, but that's only on a surface level. If we think about it, his relationships with the people who actually matter to him have been surprisingly stable. My main examples are Oda, Chuuya, Atsushi, and Kunikida. While of course all of them grow and change, the dynamics that were set up when he met each of them have not changed much. Each dynamic is very different, but none of them has has any intense, abrupt shifts. Sure, his relationships can be intense, but that's mostly because of either a) the intensity of the people involved and the circumstances around them (Do you expect two very different and very traumatised teenagers to not fight?) or b) Dazai's persona. You can't take, for example, his fights with Kunikida as an example of instability, because, firstly, it's only ever been like that, and, more importantly, Dazai is fully capable of acting differently, which wouldn't be the case if this were a symptom.

About the second part, Dazai is not once seen alternating between idealisation and devaluation of the same person. What he thinks of those around him seems to be based on characteristics they actually have, interpreted of course by a person like Dazai, who is, like everyone, biased due to his own history and trauma. He's a person and he has opinions on people. Never has he completely idealised or devalued someone, let alone both for the same person, beyond that. The only time we, in the present timeline, see him let his emotions affect how he treats someone is when he first meets Ango again, and what we see is an appropriate reaction from someone who has been hurt. Hell, if anything, he should learn to do that more.

3) Unstable self-image

We literally have no idea. There is minimal information on how Dazai thinks of himself. The only times that I can think of where he actually gave a glimpse into it was when he called himself "a man hated by righteousness" and, less directly, when he told Atsushi that pitying himself would make his life a nightmare, which could have contained some projection. His alienation and struggles with humanity seem to be unchanging, even when he's receiving proof of the opposite, such as experiencing a connection to someone, to the point where he seems to be apprehensive even of change that could come naturally, such as growing close to the other ADA members.

4) Impulsivity in at least two potentially harmful ways (spending, sexual activity, substance use, binge eating, etc.)

He does have this. We don't know his other habits, but he's extremely careless when it comes to his own safety, and it's clear that he abuses alcohol.

5) Recurrent suicidal threats or attempts or self-mutilation.

He also has this one, although differential diagnosis for BPD would require certainty that it exists beyond the limits of the Major Depressive Disorder that he does have.

6) Unstable mood/affect

That is clearly his persona. In fact, the unmasked Dazai seems flatter in affect than the average person, even though we very rarely see him. I could use Oda's descriptions of him as an example, since he's the one who perceived him the most. He's described Dazai's face as lifeless-looking, unmoving, his eyes like wounds. His "natural" state is empty, hollow. It's quite the opposite of someone who's dysregulated and overflowing with emotion, and it's quite clear that many of the reactions that he does display are dramatised and exaggerated on purpose, and often don't correspond to his true emotion at the time at all, if such a thing is present in the first place. You can't count an act as a symptom. His emotions are controlled to the extreme, even in situations where being emotional would be expected.

7) Chronic feelings of emptiness

He has this. Again, we don't know if we can differentiate it from the depressive emptiness, but it's there.

8) Difficulty controlling anger

We've barely seen him angry, let alone uncontrollably so. He's exploded in anger exactly once, in side B of The Day I Picked Up Dazai, when he rampantly attacked someone because Oda was in danger - as a teenager who was seeing the one person he cared about get hurt. Again, he controls his emotions very well almost at all times.

9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms.

We have no info on paranoid symptoms on his part. Dissociative symptoms are likely there in his struggle with humanity, but they seem to be present consistently throughout his life and not specifically stress-related.

To sum up: he has 3 out of 9 symptoms, two of which can also be explained by depression. In fact, he is in many ways the opposite of a borderline individual - too controlled, too avoidant, too disengaged from emotion. The only relationship patterns of his that might look BPD-adjacent are almost always part of his persona.

For something more plausible, which I also ultimately don't think he has, or at least we don't have enough info: Antisocial Personality Disorder

I'm not gonna go through all the symptoms again, but mafia Dazai demonstrated many of them. However, there are two reasons I don't think he could be given that diagnosis either.

1) We see him behaving in ways that might meet the symptoms only between the ages of 15 and 18. ASPD can't be diagnosed before the age of 18. Dazai as an adult doesn't show nearly as many of those symptoms, and it's not possible to diagnose an adult based on how he behaved as a teenager. That's neither accurate nor fair. The same is true for symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder, some of which teenage Dazai also had.

2) An ASPD diagnosis currently requires a diagnosis of conduct disorder before the age of 15. There is no info on Dazai as a child, and we have no idea how he behaved.

(bonus 3): Some symptoms, such as illegal behaviour, are hard to be applied to Dazai's case, because of the extreme circumstances he was in. He was in the mafia, being encouraged to kill people. Of course he broke the law.)

Now, for the things he actually has or might have:

Major Depressive Disorder, of course. This is already long, and I don't think I even need to elaborate. He has almost all the symptoms of chronic depression.

Possibly, Depersonalisation/Derealisation Disorder

Depersonalization/derealization disorder involves a persistent or recurring feeling of being detached from one's body or mental processes, like an outside observer of one's life (depersonalization), and/or a feeling of being detached from one's surroundings (derealization). (x)

It seems to me that his feelings of being inhuman would be quite likely to classify as depersonalisation. Again, we have no idea how Dazai experiences this from a first-person perspective. Everything he actually says is indirect, like calling this world a dream (even though that was at least partly acting), and often in connection to the real-life author and his words. However, it's clear that something is there that doesn't allow him to see himself as a person, and it has affected him significantly.

It's not certain, of course, that he would have this diagnosis. I just thought I should mention it as a possibility, because I haven't see anyone mention it in relation to him.

Even more possibly, Complex PTSD

I won't go through each symptom here either, but one of the core characteristics of C-PTSD is a deep feeling of alienation or shame, of something being fundamentally wrong with you in such a way that puts you apart from other people. Sufferers often feel like they're completely disconnected from others, permanently damaged or worthless, and experience a chronic sense of hopelessness. It is more likely to be caused by long-term traumatic circumstances rather than a singular traumatic event or situation.

Dazai was, for all we know, already very unwell by the age of 14, and was then taken in by Mori, who took his pre-existing feelings of alienation and weaponised them, in order to make him into the "demon prodigy". It's safe to assume that such feelings already existed, and were only maximised during his mafia years, where he was expected and even encouraged to tap into the things that made him different from others.

At the same time, he had no guidance on how to navigate his human emotions and needs and turmoil at any point, which must have only led to a further disconnect from them, therefore cutting his routes for connecting with others further and further.

You may also be more likely to develop C-PTSD if:

you experienced trauma at a young age you were harmed by someone close to you who you trusted you were unable to escape the trauma (x)

While we don't know what happened in his pre-mafia past, all of this apply to his time in the mafia.

I will once again put the disclaimer that none of us knows how Dazai really experiences these things from his POV. He's an extremely opaque character, and most analysis of him is bound to contain a degree of assumption and guesses. However, there are some things that are more plausible than others based on his actions and reactions, and I think these three options, either separately or in combination, make the most sense to me. I would gladly elaborate further and discuss any part of this, including, of course, disagreements, as long as they're informed.

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #bsd analysis #bsd meta #is this meta? i did pull out the dsm and the icd

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lokislytherin · 2 years ago

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IDEAS TO DROP BEFORE I FORGET THEM

1) teacher!seok x parent!jae

kind of inspired by this one wangxian au i read with a yuan being a preschooler but hyungseok is a primary school teacher, jaehye is The Problem Child (read: she never shuts up even when she's not meant to be talking) of his class of 7-8 year olds, jaeyeol is jaehye's older step-brother turned parent.

the jae sibs have a 20 year age gap so jaeyeol is around 28, jaeyeol's mom passed away years ago and he and kitae (blood bros) drifted away, hye is from another woman and after steve hong also passes away hye's mom is like Aight i do not want to deal with raising a child. and jaeyeol hates his father being absent all his life but he doesn't want hye to grow up in the foster system so he adopts jaehye even though he's a postgrad psych student (therapist jae!!! he doesn't talk much because he has the hex haywire voice and it's so deep it scares people but in reality it's just hot)

teacher!seok meets jae at a parent conference and he's like oh. Oh. this is the yeol-oppa jaehye adores so much. they start chatting purely bc jaehye is so chatty she's getting kind of behind in class and jaeyeol just sighs bc he's so busy at work he really wants to spend more time with jaehye but he doesn't have time and there's no butler in this au so it's just jae who's crazy busy and crazy rich by inheritance and hye who is a little demon and terrorizes every nanny bc she wants to spend time with her oppa!!

hyungseok is like if you don't mind... i could look after her until you finish work (school ends at 3pm, jae is a 9-5er) and jae's like Please. i'm so glad you said that

so they get a lot more private interaction time and they also coincidentally meet every now and then bc jaehye's harp class is close to the park where hyungseok walks his dogs so suddenly they have a whole routine where on the weekdays it's like

jaeyeol sends jaehye to school

jaehye picks jaehye up after work

sometimes hyungseok eats dinner with them bc hey, they're all going out to eat anyway, if nobody minds then they could all go together!

jaeyeol drives hyungseok home they say good night and they both kind of linger because nobody wants to say goodbye

and on the weekends it's like

jaeyeol sleeps in bc he finally gets a day off!!

jaehye smacks him until he wakes up bc wake up stupid oppa jaehye has harp class

jaehye goes to harp class and jaeyeol hangs out at a cafe and gets stared at for being the hot loner dilf sitting in the corner working on his computer

jaeyeol picks jaehye up from harp class

they meet hyungseok at the park bc he just finished going on a run with his dogs

they get lunch together because jaehye loves hyungseok's puppies LOOK AT THEM THEY'RE SO CUTE

jaeyeol's whipped the whole way through bc jaehye tells him Everything that goes on at school and he has never seen her so happy to go to school until her old teacher left and 'park seonsaengnim' took over as homeroom teacher and 'park seonsaengnim' is so nice to everyone and jaehye is actually Learning Things she just likes talking and when jaeyeol meets hyungseok for the first time he's already like Oh He's Hot

hyungseok doesn't realize he's pining until the very end where kouji's dad!gun (kouji is hye's classmate + 'archenemy') asks him out very bluntly and hyungseok's like wait. Wait. WAIT I'M SORRY I CAN'T ACCEPT YOUR CONFESSION I'M IN LOVE WITH JAEHYE'S OPPA

all the other parents (mijin and jinsung, sinu, etc) have a group chat without jae bc he looks so intimidating (the sheer businessman daddy energy is too strong) and they thought he and hyungseok had a Thing going on since the very beginning but no hyungseok is oblivious as hell and jae is shy as hell

2) winter olympics athletes au

if ao3 user agaybigay is here: hi. snowboarder jay go brr

in this au literally Everyone is there except for yujin's squad so you have

figure skating:

mijin + jinsung: pair skate, in love with each other but not dating, they've never medalled bc they're always 4th place, they beat japan's pride mitsuki and ryuhei out for third place in the fic

hyungseok: men's figure skating, aka south korea's national treasure, gold medalist

jaehye: women's figure skating, aka joy of south korea, youngest of the whole team

gun + dg: former multiple-time gold medalists, both retired now dg bc he didn't want to compete anymore and gun bc he injured his leg, they train the whole sk's figure skating team but mainly they just fight over daniel

gun used to compete for japan as yamazaki yuzuru but he moved back to korea to join korea team

snowboarding:

jae: silver medalist, the One Mysterious Guy who nobody knows anything about until his younger sister joins the team and she is number 1 oversharer. has a massive fanbase bc he's talented and his helmet hair is hot

haneul: gets a bronze medal in the year of the fic and it's her first medal, known for her very high jumps and flips like she's part of the sky

others

burn knuckles: luge. yeah. it was either this or curling and idk what's funnier actually

big deal + samuel seo: ice hockey, samuel is best attacker, jake is best defender, jerry is goalie, sinu is coach, lua is team manager

it's kind of like yoi with hyungseok pulling jaeyeol into a drunk pole-dance during the last national winter sports competition and jaeyeol being so gay for this gorgeous, sexy, absurdly flexible creature who fits against his body perfectly and hyungseok barely remembering anything bc he was so drunk he only remembers the person he danced with had warm hands and he remembers making a promise to that person but he doesn't remember what he promised

hyungseok has already admired jaeyeol for a while, jaeyeol is almost four years older than him here and it's jae-hyung's third olympics (he's 24 now and this is probably his last olympics), and hyungseok's always like wow... look at him... he's so cool 🥺🥺

they get to know each other as the olympics goes on bc they have to share the same hotel room, and ofc i have to bring the There Is Only One Bed trope in. they end up accidentally cuddling multiple times and then after watching jaeyeol snowboarding and ranking 1 hyungseok has a flashback like wait. Wait. he's the one i basically did a drunk strip-tease to. i promised him i'd kiss him if he won gold. he's now world champion. which means i have to kiss him. actually i have no problem with that

after jaeyeol wins gold they end up purposefully cuddling on the hotel bed. maybe they do Other Things too since the figure skating and snowboarding competitions are both over

3) he was a punk she did ballet but it's skateboarder hyungseok and ballet dancer jae bc hyungseok is too poor to afford after school clubs and jae is a rich boy forced to learn Rich Kid Things ie piano, ballet, violin, swimming, etc

#lookism #lookism au #jaeseok #janiel #hong jaeyeol #jay hong #daniel park #park hyungseok #why am i so obsessed with parent!jae #is it just bc i think he'd be a good parent #or is it bc i think he's hot + i have a thing for daddy/mommy type #anyway parent!jae!!#and snowboarder!jae!!

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sassypotatoe1 · 4 days ago

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So like I was mildly agoraphobic and more severely agoraphobic through high school and then in varsity, and the best thing for it is literally also the worst thing from the sufferer's perspective, and that's actually going out and doing new things.

Mine most likely stemmed from my autism, so whatever was an extension of my space was safe to me, and everything outside of that was scary as fuck. A'capella and class was home to me too, so it was safe. It was a regular, set and predictable setting. I needed a safe person with me to do literally anything else.

Need to go pick up multivitamins at the pharmacy I've never been to? Safe person with me for the entire process. Need to take my laptop in because my mom accidentally fucked up the screen by closing it on a book and putting a heavy weight on it? Safe person had to take me and support me through the exchange required to book in my laptop for repairs, and then again to collect it.

If I could stay home I absolutely did, and during the first years of covid I stayed in my room for an entire year and a half. I didn't even leave to go to the kitchen, so I didn't eat and I lost a lot of weight. There were other factors too but this was a pretty big one. When we could go back to university I opted for the online classes, because we had to use the bigger lecture halls for social distancing purposes and I haven't been there so it wasn't an extension of my safe space.

I spent a year after my postgrad at home, doing online work, starting to renovate a flat on the property for myself and recovering from the clusterfuck that was my postgrad degree, because my mental health absolutely destroyed itself during that time. Then I started to work, on my parents' insistence, and the office quickly became an extension of my safe space. I started seeing a psychiatrist because I was pursuing an autism diagnosis, and she actually did psychotherapy along with the clinical interventions, and she noted that I self isolate and stick to mental safe spaces.

So she told me to join a club. I was starting to notice loss of muscle tone and conditioning, so I joined an exercise class. The trainer stopped presenting the classes so I joined a social club. Then another. It was awkward and terrifying and clique-y, so I left. I was thinking about what to try next to stop myself from falling into the agoraphobia again, when I had to cover the opening of a new sports club for work.

Work has been great for getting me to go to new places and do new things, because I'm a community journalist and we have to work closely with the community. I can't just sit at my desk and call people for interviews, I need to go out and do things in person. So when I went to cover the opening of the sports club, and the chairperson said that they want it to be a safe space for women and the youth, that supports them in the sport, I thought "fuck it" and signed up.

I play ladies league, every Monday night, at different clubs across the district. I made friends, my team mate's husband coached me, I had social games and tournaments, I got to know a LOT of people, and it's an environment that's entirely unpredictable and ever-changing. It's terrifying. It's perfect.

My social skills improved, my organization and time management improved, I stopped hoarding and actually decluttered my room, my depression became much easier to manage, I was doing better at my job, I wasn't alone and I wasn't lonely and I was having fun.

Now I'm used to it. It's an extension of my safe space, it's become a predictable environment, it's no longer terrifying. It's time for a new New. It's insane that the fix for "scared of being in an unfamiliar space and doing unfamiliar things" is "be in unfamiliar spaces and do unfamiliar things". I hate that it is. A lot of the time I just want to be in my room for days on end doing the same old things. But what made leaving my safe space so much easier was to make everything an extension of my safe space. I'm never going to stop being terrified of going out and doing things, but it's become much easier because I forced myself to do it.

So if you suffer from agoraphobia too, my advice is to say fuck it and do the scary things. Even if you have to revert to your space to recover the first few times. It's like jumping into a cold pool. If you wade in it's uncomfortable for a really long time before it's fun. If you dive in it's uncomfortable for a few seconds. If you can't swim you use a flotation device, but however you do it you'll acclimate to the water eventually, and what waits on the other side of that process is more than worth it.

You can always get out of the pool to warm back up before going in again, but now you know what to expect the next time you get in. And if you have to use a flotation device (a safe person supporting you) that's fine too. It's just a safety measure so you don't drown. But don't avoid the pool altogether because you know it'll be cold.

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primalspice · 6 months ago

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caroline: A2, A10, A17, B1, B9, B13, C1, C3, D2, D3, E2, E6, F4, F8, G3, G5, H5, H9, I5, J2, J7, L5

A2: What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera…

Lawful neutral I think??? I'm never good at assigning these but she does value rules and order (or at least her own interpretation of these things) above most other things. It's also kinda her main conflict though since her severe interpretations of how people should act Stifles her. My second choice would be chaotic neutral since she Is kinda in the process of twisting those rules to get to..wherever she needs to be. One may say she's using Bruno and his employment of her to do such a thing but I think it'd be too generous of an interpretation (theyre really just friends >w<)

A10: Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily?

Usually yeah but she's pissed off about it the whole time. And the resent she feels about it builds up with each time she compromises until she explodes and then repeats cycle.

A17: What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?

Finishing her postgrad and getting a job in research at UCLA. then it's ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE.

B1: Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?

She's trying really hard to live the get-respect-to-give-it lifestyle she's tired of being the worm.

B9: What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM…

hurting him psychically and physically

B13: Do they have a large or small group of friends?

She has exactly one friend (Bruno). Maybe she has issues connecting with others due to how she has been burned in the past but more importantly she has a grating personality and no one wants to be around her for extended periods anyway <3

C1: Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

She does but it's becoming more loose by the day. She lived half of her life very privileged and then had the midlife crisis that makes you gay and transgender against your will while already having established a life within your rather conservative circle... so she had to reassess a lot. I think her thoughts on what is taboo have changed extremely, but her thoughts on the type of work ethic one should have, how it's appropriate to act towards others, etc. have kinda remained strict. She'll recover one day <3

C3: Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?

Yea I mean she tried for a long time to fit in with people who's values Don't align and she ended up quitting her lucrative and fulfilling job about it its very painful on her soul. Because of the emotional damage but also because she's right always and hates arguing with idiots.

D2: Do they believe in an afterlife?

No she's got to make the most of this while it lasts.

D3: How comfortable are they with the idea of death?

She doesn't want to die she barely feels as if shes started really living yet. She is definitely the most self-preserving of the bunch by far. Otherwise, though, she sees it through a pretty scientific/factual lens. It'll happen to everyone one day.

E2: Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera)

Best is Logical-Mathematical, worst is probably Interpersonal. SAD.

E6: Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education?

Yes always. She loves research and reading and being an expert on topics that interest her. She takes pride in it.

F4: How clean are they overall with home upkeep?

Her home is very clean she doesnt live with anyone else so she doesnt have to worry about anyone elses mess :) i think she keeps it very modern (for the 2000s ofc) and kinda minimal. Prone to cat hair on furniture tho.

F8: How often are they home?

She's at home pretty much any time she's not working or doing necessary tasks or invited to go out by Bruno. She might occasionally go to the bar/other Vegas activities just because it's so near but it's not something she does regularly.

G3: Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not?

No she is very disowned by her immediate family (parents, siblings??) for being A Queer but she might have a cool cousin or something maybe. Shes like 50 years old tho so shes over it she promises shes OVER IT she doesnt need them.

G5: Did they go through any typical phases growing up?

If being a precocious nerd and bringing that attitude into adulthood counts then Yes. Teacher's pet, star student, etc.

H5: Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)?

Maybe if the right person came along <3

H9: What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners?

Being a slob :| or being someone who speaks over her or doesn't respect her opinions. Honestly probably a lot of other things too but thats just her being a hater.

I5: Are they a good cook?

I think she's sufficient at it. Probably doesn't have the greatest variety of recipes or techniques but she can make dinner.

J2: How politically aware are they?

She's not out protesting or anything but she's more aware than she ever has been before. Votes democrat but kinda thinks about it for a second too long.

J7: How much interest in environmental health do they have?

She finds it interesting to learn about and it somewhat concerned but I don't think she does more than the average person might. Recycle, stop using aerosols, drink from reusable bottles sometimes <3

L5: Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to a “good guy”?

Out of my current four, she and Vic are the more reasonable of the bunch but theyre all just People. Vic might win over her tho because she's... not as willing to be outwardly mean and degrading towards others if angry LOL.

#ask game #caroline

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fastlanehqs · 7 months ago

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WELCOME TO MIDWAY, DUDE. Take a look our checklist for a few little deets before we get started.

OOC INFO

Alias: mikey

Age: twenty-three

Pronouns: they/them

Timezone: mst

Triggers: [REDACTED]

What made you want to join fastlanehq? I made it.

If you aren’t chosen for your first skeleton choice, what are your second and third choices? [REDACTED]

Are you applying for a wanted connection? If so, which one? n/a

Anything else? there's something about the girl next door...something that i can't ignore - emblem3 my top picks would be i wanna be a free girl by dusty springfield/beautiful by carol king/helpless by buffy sainte-marie…as a matter of fact….let me link my playlist

IC BLURB

[TAYLOR RUSSELL, CIS WOMAN, SHE/HER] Well, well, well, [GWEN GOODWIN], after that stunt you and your friends pulled, half of town didn’t think you’d make it to graduation! Let alone turning [18]. You’re getting a reputation as [THE GIRL NEXT DOOR] you know, it’s all the talk around [THE HUB]! Nevertheless, Principal Grauss announced your postgrad plans to [ATTEND THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA IN THE FALL] when you walked across that stage and got that diploma. Folks around Midway will always remember you as [MODEST, RESPONSIBLE] and [CAUTIOUS, INHIBITED]

WRITING SAMPLE

Please choose at least one of the three prompts to respond to in character. There is no word minimum or maximum!

It’s a new decade, the world is at war again, and your character has developed a recurring nightmare. Describe the nightmare and your character’s reaction to it.

gwen wouldn’t call it a nightmare, but an itch. sure, it started at the beginning of spring semester with a bad dream, but she only had it twice! she’d be preoccupied with [THE BOY NEXT DOOR] in the familiar mildew-y creases of his basement couch. gwen would weave her fingers into his hair lost in the moment of … being a teenager. [THE BOY NEXT DOOR] grew glass for teeth, or fangs, or something equally horrific, she didn’t ever check. gwen would discover this by way of blood gushing from her lip. immediately, she’d panic, scouring the basement for tissues while [THE BOY NEXT DOOR] stood by dubious, well meaning, and unhelpful. that was before he’d vanish all together. her punctured lip bleeds, and bleeds, and completely drains her– gwen recalled waking up from it the first time, tears in her eyes, unsure of if she wanted her boyfriend in that moment or never wanted to see [THE BOY NEXT DOOR] ever again. either way, this was where the spiral began. following the second nightmare, gwen was determined to get the source of it. in the morning, she was sure to ready herself for the day efficiently so to get to the school library as early as possible. gwen hurried down the steps only to be faced with her parents in the kitchen. she treaded cautiously, god this was going to make them so sad. “gwennie!” her papa immediately set his paper down neatly, and stood to meet her with a hug. gwen grinned and she gave her dad a kiss on the cheek as her mom chimed, “good morning!” she crossed to mama and gave her the same, polite, hug and kiss. time to bear the bad news. “morning! um..i can’t stay for breakfast, i gotta get to the library.” gwen hated lying, but she had to sell it. “we gotta big test coming up.” the understanding disappointment that fell over their faces was an extra knife to the gut. but before they could talk about it, she waved them off and rushed out the front door. gwen did follow the speed limit on her drive to school, her mixtape of joni mitchell and dusty springfield rattling in the cassette player of her dark green, 1969 two door chevrolet caprice. papa got it for her for her sixteenth birthday that year, brand new. mama gripped her arm tight and whispered in her ear not to ask how much it cost. it took her a mere three minutes to get from the school parking lot to the library. gwen really hoped the librarians weren’t mad at her for not making normal conversation when she got in. she’d make up for it once she checked out these damn books out. gwen figured, if she could get to the psychological root of the dream, she could get it to stop and everything’d be just peachy again. unfortunately. midway high didn’t have the vast selection gwen was hoping for, and she walked away with a pitiful hull of one book– the psychology of dreams. freud. who was…controversial in the least. gwen wouldn’t call herself a fan. despite that, she was already flipping through the table of contents and key pages that would lead her on to anything helpful– blood? death? boyfriends? nothing was jumping out to her. she was second guessing checking it out, but when she spotted [THE BURN OUT] strolling into the library, gwen was sold. she was not checking this out. yes, [THE BURN OUT] was her friend, and no, they weren’t as close as they used to be. but it didn’t bother gwen. really! not one bit! gwen didn’t want [THE BURN OUT] seeing her book and relaying it to anybody in the group. this felt personal. she really didn’t want it sniffed out and gossiped about. which was a feat in a small town.

gwen managed to tuck the book back on it’s shelf and when she made eye contact with [THE BURN OUT] she awkwardly greeted them, “mornin’…i’m just…studying!” she explained…inexplicably. the other sort of awkwardly waved back, smiled, then walked off to their corner. gwen didn’t blame them. they were probably busy! everyone was expecting them to end up valedictorian. still, she felt awfully embarrassed. tail between her legs, gwen shuffled to her favorite librarian, retta. for a moment, she simply stood there pitifully, gulping, blinking, the whole nine yards. she couldn’t help but be sensitive. retta raised a concern brow and gwen finally piped up, “can we get a coffee in your office?” she was hopeful. retta sighed, then waved gwen back with a small smile.

thank god.

#submission #girl.next.door #fast:accepted

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home-at-nine · 9 months ago

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Chapter Two — Sarah

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a bright future beckoned and winked." - The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

I am watching my ceiling. It is a very funny thing, this ceiling watching. I wonder if this is what it would feel like to be a fruit, slowly rotting, no one aware of your consciousness. I wonder what it would feel like to slowly disintegrate and let your skin peel off. Closing my eyes, there’s almost a smell coming from my rotting form.

The door breaks open. My mother stands there, immaculate, holding the doorknob as if it is diseased.

“Sarah, your father’s done making dinner,” she says, then without pausing, “please brush your hair before you come down.”

I get up without brushing my hair. Fucking fascist.

“Sweetheart, don’t stomp so much—you’ll damage the carpet,” she says, so I stomp more quietly.

“I am trying,” I bark back. “You’re not giving me any room to breathe.”

She got to the bottom of the staircase before me and waits there now, body taut as if she is hanging from the ceiling. Her eyes pierce mine, doll-like lifelessness. Once I have reached the bottom of the staircase, she waits for me to walk ahead of her so she can place her hands on my shoulders and pull them back, steering me towards the dining room simultaneously. In my head I call her the puppet master. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

My father has already set plates out on the table once we get inside. It’s gritty, and covered in thick brown liquid, and I think it is supposed to be dumplings. There’s broccoli on the side. It is limp, and almost grey. It’s difficult to be touched by something this disgusting, even if I know it has been the only thing he has been able to do today. I should be proud of him, but I can’t bring myself to look at him. I can’t look him in the eyes. There’s nothing there except empty glass. This man is a hollow creature. If my mother is the puppet master, this man is the husk she has been carving into shape since she first began her craft, and his soul has finally fallen through the cracks.

We begin to eat in silence. I know how hard he has been trying to build this illusion of being a homemaker ever since he lost his job, so I chew lumps like I’m chewing cud. Daydreaming that I am cattle makes it a little easier. There’s grass by my feet and the air is fresh. There’s a herd behind my back. Every day is the same and I don’t know any differently.

There was another paper released speculating about the origins of Queen Nefertiti’s remains recently, this one as unfruitful as the last twenty. Not that I often let myself care about the ancients anymore—it is just that sometimes the pull is too strong. I miss the dusty smell of the postgrad libraries. The damp there felt almost romantic.

“Sarah is going to get a haircut soon,” slashes my mother’s knife through the silence. “Don’t you think it will brighten her little face right up?”

“I suppose that’ll be nice, Sar,” echoes my father, looking me in the eyes meekly. Some men struggle to find the courage to speak their minds, but in my father’s case, he struggles to have one in the first place. “What’ll you get done, do you think?”

“I was thinking she could get it dyed, too,” mother continues. “I’ve always thought she’d look lovely as a blonde.”

I hold back a laugh and my mother looks up sharply. I don’t meet her gaze. I won’t let her. She huffs out of her nose. She’s won and she knows it.

I am filled with irrepressible physical revulsion. “I’m going to get a boob job,” I announce, and push away my chair from the table dramatically. I’ve turned around and gone back up the stairs before I have a chance to look at my mother's face, but I know she won’t have reacted with more than a flinch. Every day we play through this charade. Every day I burst out. And by the next morning, she has boxed me back in like nothing has happened.

On this night, I don’t even have a shift to get ready for, so I lie down to turn my body into rot again. I have no plan to get a boob job. In fact, I have no plans at all. My future stares back at me like a blank wall. Nothing grows through concrete, and no light can get through. I press my forehead against the bricks, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t hear it breathe. I’m willing it to, begging it to listen to me, but I can’t make it breathe. It is slowly sucking the warmth from my head. It aches like knives through silence. I can’t breathe.

I wake in the middle of the night with a migraine. I think about the customer from the other night to distract myself. He had a big mouth and tousled dark hair, or at least it looked so through the dark hum of the distant disco lighting from the club. He asked me for a rum and coke, and I liked the way he looked into my eyes without breaking contact. I handed him his drink and almost brushed his fingers. I couldn’t make myself, in the end.

I think I would like to touch myself to the image of this man. But almost immediately I think he must have seen me through my mother’s eyes. And she’s right, and I don’t brush my hair enough, and she’s right, and I need a boob job. And I’m so tired again. I close my eyes and sleep does not come.

#fiction #found family #hero's journey #lgbtq #literature #mental health #philosophy #wip

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scrumptiouscthulhu · 2 years ago

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i am once again sharing a quote from this r/hobbydrama thread about someone doing bizarre experiments to creatures in a video game, exploring the limits of the game's code to develop increasingly elaborate genetic diseases in a virtual creature, and subsequently getting death threats from other players:

"Much of his hate mail showed a greater regard for the [virtual] creatures than it did for the life of this one human being."

no amount of online white-knighting in fandom circles, attacking/defending completely fictional people, regimes, pairings, character sexualities, etc., is ever, ever worth being hateful to another real live human being. it's unbelievably petty and self-centered to think otherwise. Posting Online isn't going to change the world. oppressed peoples across the globe aren't having their lives improved because of hot takes on the hellsite. so why harass other bloggers over it? pixels and code do not deserve blood sacrifices.

i got called lesbophobic for the fact that some M/M and M/F pairings i draw beat some F/F ships in the first couple rounds of a silly poll... even though i'm a lesbian. can you believe that? imagine being so concerned with defending the honor of hypothetical fictional lesbians that you're willing to deride and harangue an actual real-life flesh-and-blood lesbian who draws cartoons online. how is that activism? are you really doing anything productive there?

nothing that happens in a video game matters one measly morsel in real life... not if you're a cruel and spiteful person to real people. the world is not better because of fandom opinions, but it can certainly be made worse by what you do to your fellow fans. the characters are fictional but the fans aren't. NEVER lose sight of that.

...and, yeah, not everyone searches for deep meaning in a fucking video game, and it's ridiculous to try and hold everyone to a postgrad level of art analysis over a game series famous for its shitty voice acting, busted physics, and highly derivative storytelling. some of us actually read and discuss classic literature when we want robust sociopolitical commentary and (gasp) just play games for fun.

Personally, I think it’s great that people want to have genuine and thoughtful conversations about how the effects of colonization influence our experiences with fantasy in all forms of media, but some of the posts in this fandom read like you see BI and other POC as Others incapable of speaking for themselves. As a WOC on tesblr, it is truly exhausting to see people projecting their white savior complexes onto fantasy cultures and acting like they’re doing something noble. Sorry, but these screeds about how Stormcloak enjoyers and elf fuckers are problematic do not constitute revolutionary praxis, and I think a lot of die hard fans underestimate how many people choose not to engage with TES in any deeper capacity than “these pixels are hot, and I like that.” Some people engage shallowly with their interests, and not everything you dislike will have some pernicious bigoted undertone to justify why you dislike it. Punching down and shitting on people who are having fun does nothing for bettering this community. Are there some gross and troubling themes embedded in tes lore? Absolutely, but the way I see them addressed are at times equally disquieting. Not to mention the amount of people speaking on my behalf, saying “enjoying X feature of the tes fandom is racist and making poc uncomfortable," as if we're monolithic. Please.

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tommyspeakycap · 3 years ago

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flatmate

a burst water pipe in your shared apartment that flooded your entire room leads john to offer to share his bed for the night. in the middle of the night, john is bewildered to hear what you're mumbling in your sleep

warnings: smutty-ness ;) not necessarily all throughout but is a key part of the later parts of the fic ;))

The first thing John had noticed when he moved in his new apartment was how fucking large it was.

The kitchen was the same size you might get in a regular large house with the pristine shining large white square tiles, hints of grey through them in a respectable marble effect. The counters gleam even when they are a bit dirty and the open plan nature of it leading into the living room with a separate dining room made it look fantastically more spacious. There was ample counter space without even taking into consideration the kitchen island with the second sink (and John still can't understand why someone might need a second sink) or the breakfast bar that defines where the kitchen ends and the living room begins. It's all high ceilings and purpose built to probably be as expensive as is possible, everything down to the light bulbs brand new before he moved in.

It's modern and sleek and extremely lonely. More of a shell of a home really than it was anything else.

John mulled over his thoughts for a while after he moved in, usually when he was lying awake at night. He thought of moving somewhere smaller, but he really couldn't be bothered with the hush of a home search as such a popular name in the tabloids, nor did he want to pack up all his stuff and shift it again.

Kyle proposed the idea of a flatmate jokingly, before shrugging it off by saying he isn't short on money, he certainly does not need someone else helping him to pay rent.

The idea stuck with John though, for every reason but the money. He didn't care for that, he just absolutely loved the idea of someone being around pretty much all of the time. He's had roommates before during away games and international tournaments. He's probably one of the few who enjoys it, just the feeling of never really having to be alone. John is a people person, so he very much likes the idea of having a flat mate.

Rúben then became the target, because he was relatively new to Manchester and he hadn't found a place to properly settle yet while he waited for all of his family to tie things up so they could come and stay with him - being such a close knit family - so John knew he was aching for some company.

Despite thinking it would be easy to drag Rúben into this, the tall new centre back had laughed loudly at the suggestion before couching to try and cover it when John's face fell and he realised how stupid he must have looked. It was embarrassing, but he just really really hated living in such a big space all by himself. Rúben was sympathetic to that, but he did firmly turn John down on multiple occasions before finally suggesting someone else.

You.

"I know someone who's new here. They're lonely, live in - how should I say?" He trailed off, scratching at his slight beard, "Very small, very shit and very expensive place. I think it would be a good fit." he says decisively, raising his eyebrows awaiting John's approval to shoot you a text. Of course, he failed to tell John that you are a) a women and b) someone he does actually already vaguely know.

He wasn't necessarily complaining when you showed up to the cafe Rúben told you both to meet at to talk about the possibility.

John did know you, recognised your face pretty much immediately because you had began working for city not too long ago at all. He hadn't actually had any sessions with you yet, but he'd seen you wandering around trying to get your bearings around the huge etihad campus. He knows that you and Rúben became fast friends because you're both new to the city, you fresh out of your postgrad for sports physiotherapy into your first relatively low paying graduate job of which most income goes directly back to the student loans company. You get lost in the city together frequently, so John can determine you must be pretty good of a person to have clicked with Rúben Dias so quickly, so he trusts you from the get go.

You hit it off pretty well in the cafe, very willing to become fast friends and John knows you are certainly someone he would be comfortable living with. You're very clean, pretty tidy and apparently you love to bake - so he couldn't complain, could he?

John will probably never be able to forget the look on your face when you first walked into the flat, marvelling at the height of the ceiling and the size of the kitchen for your Sunday evening baking. You were the picture of absolutely adorable and you have been every single day for the past year that you've been living there now.

Each morning, John Stones counts himself incredibly lucky to be the guy who gets to stand leaning on the kitchen island drinking his cup of coffee when you come shuffling through into the kitchen with a bed head bun, one of the same alternating nearly knee length t-shirts that you always wear to bed and your slippers because you hate the feeling of the floor under your bare feet. On mornings where you're especially tired, you just lean against John and he tugs you into his side for a tight morning hug while you basically fall back asleep against him on your feet.

He gets to drive you to work every day, seeing a you're both going to the same place and start at pretty much the same time and then he gets to drive you home every day too. Whenever you have a long day or a bad day, John knows where to stop to run in and get you a jam donut without telling you and that always sets you right as rain.

John gets to lie on that huge, huge sofa with you feeling miles apart before you eventually shuffle over to him for some warmth and fall asleep with your head against his shoulder. He drapes a blanket over you and lets the rest of the film play out because if he attempts to move you, he knows for a fact you'll protest that you're still watching it. Sometimes you sit at opposite ends of the couch and - like children - try to throw popcorn into each others mouths. Only salted popcorn though, the sweet stuff makes you scrunch up your face in a way that makes John worry about the sensation in his body. That face with your nose scrunched up makes John worry that he's down bad.

Maybe he is, after a year of knowing you and noticing his flat slowly becoming the shared flat, little dottings of you scattered around. One of those stupid scrub daddy sponges sitting on the window ledge above the kitchen sink. Your perfume lingering on the couch cushions, no longer just his living space, but everything shared. Hair bobbles lying in the most random of places; some under the couch cushions, in his clothes when he takes them out the dyer along with some of his once white t-shirts now stained a light shade of pink from one of your pairs of pants. In the third bathroom - the only one with a bath instead of a shower - is scattered with your shampoos and soaps that outnumber John's about 4-1 with face washes you'll never use and yet another funny scrub daddy in the shape of a dog this time.

Some of your pictures line the shelf in the living room next to John's and best yet, a few have popped up recently on that picture shelf not just of you or you and family or John and his friends or family but this time of you and John, doing things together.

One from Christmas, both of you sitting in front of the Christmas tree together rushing into the frame before the ten second timer went off. John is nothing short of actually obsessed with that picture of you both in your city Christmas jumpers sitting on the floor with you pulled in between his legs, his arms wrapped around your front from behind with his chin resting on your shoulder while you giggle at his tight hold on you. You both have these huge grins, with cheeks stretched and crinkled eyes, almost able to hear the laughter just through the picture. John has been teased mercilessly about said picture that he has favourited in his phone. The lads taunt and poke at him for being all heart eyed at his sweet hearted room mate who he brings jam donuts Starbucks hot chocolates to in the afternoons or late evenings when they woke late. They believe he most certainly harbours intimate affections deep within that brain of his for his flatmate.

It wouldn't be the most unexpected thing in the world. John is a known lover and when spending as much time with someone as he has with you, no one would be surprised to see the way he looks at you or hear the way he talks about you, nor would they be surprised that he hasn't been on a date since that afternoon in the cafe when he first sat down with you to talk about sharing the apartment that he literally could not imagine ever living without you ever again.

"You haven't dated in over a year John, it's time to get back on the horse lad." Kyle insists, clapping his mate on the shoulder as the later finishes pulling up his joggers. "I can't." John states simply, his voice sharply shutting down Kyle's hinted suggestion. "I have plans tonight." He finalises. Kyle frowns. "(y/n) wasn't even in work today mate, you're basically free, I already made you plans." He argues, but John shakes his head again. "I have plans, Walker." He repeats, "And I don't want to date right now okay?" he grumbles, clearly beginning to get irritated by his pushy friend. Plus, John can feel his phone repeatedly vibrating his pocket and its both begging to worry and further irritate him.

"Look, mate. I'm not fucking interested okay and - oh my god!" He exclaims, stuffing his hand into his pocket to see he had about 10 texts from you and multiple missed phone calls. The last one comes up just as he looks at his phone with it unlocked at sight of his face.

"water pipe burst - my room flooded. pls call asap."

John's heart sinks deep down into his stomach, making fear crawl up his throat. He knows you have a lot of stuff in there, stored because you love to keep the most important things to you - printed pictures, letters, birthday cards - almost actually pushing John to the verge of tears at the thought of all of your stuff being completely ruined and him not being able to be there to comfort you.

"Look mate, I need to get back alright? (y/n) needs me right now and don't set me up on any more dates, I'm not interested alright?" John hurries out, throwing his bag over his shoulder and pushing through the groups of guy collated around the changing room so he can get out as quickly as possible to jog towards his car.

Sure enough, when he arrives back at the apartment where the plumbers have managed to fix the burst pipe. The burly men explained that everything has been fixed but people will have to be able to come and fix the water damage at the weekend. John listened, but the entire time he was just thinking about you and how sad you looked sitting over the shoulder of the plumbers at the breakfast bar on one of the stools with a thick blanket wrapped around your shoulders and a hot cup in your hand. He gives them his details, hurrying the people out of the apartment so he can head over to slide onto the stool next to you.

"I'm so sorry, (y/n)." He says sincerely, a soft sigh escaping his nose as his lips turn downwards as his face contorts to a frown. You don't say anything, but sniffle ever so slightly instead as you try to pull your lip between your teeth to stop it from wobbling so much. "It's okay." You try to assure, but it comes out as much more of whimper as more tears slip down your cheeks. John wraps his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his side and as he flicks his eyes quickly over everything that is laid out in front of you. There's a paper card, the colouring pens blurred by water as it looks like its being barely held together.

"You're supposed to be on a date," you sniffle, trying to hastily swipe at your tears and your snotty nose. John shakes his head immediately, rushing to pull you even closer to him. "Don't be ridiculous," he asserts, "I'd much rather be here with you. What's this one then? Looks like its from your nephew?" He changes the subject, reaching out to ghost his hand over the water card. "Yeah, it was. Ruined now though." You shrug, sniffling. John tilts your head up with his hand under you chin to look up at him. He pulls his sleeve down over his hand, using it to gently wipe away your tears and your nose without a care in the world how gross that was.

"I know it hurts to lose all of this, love, but you should wait until their dry until keep them anyway. Ruined or not, these things mean so much to you and you love them. The memories matter, now what state it is that they're in." John cooed lovingly, smoothing his thumbs gently under your eyes as he wipes away the remainders of your tears. You nod, letting out a weepy looking smile. "And in the meantime, you can share my bed, sound good?"

You shake your head firmly, "John no, no I couldn't do that. I'm fine on the couch honestly. Maybe you could even still make it to your date, what time is it?" You rush. You look around you hurriedly in search of your phone, but John turns you back to him. "I do not want to go, (y/n) I swear. And I would rather take the couch than have you sleep there-"

"You are not doing that." You cut in, "Not a chance."

"Then we share." You shrugs, raising his eyebrows to challenge you again. You sigh, running your hand over your face. "Fine, but you best not be a duvet hogger Stones."

----

John could tell that you were a bit nervous when you first got into bed next to him, but after a few stupid jokes and you sharing some tiktoks before you eventually grew tired and began to nod off beside him. John found it hard to get to sleep knowing you were right there beside him - his heart thundering at the thought of just being able to roll over and wrap his arms around you.

He knew he couldn't and he also knew he couldn't. The brunette knows just how much easier he would sleep with your warmth in his arms, and it must've been the time he spend laying there thinking about that fact that allowed him to finally fall into slumber

It was 2am when consciousness grasped at John again. He wasn't sure why at first, opting to actually keep his eyes shut and roll over to drift himself back into sleep. Turns out, you're the duvet hogger and John has to give it a tug to get himself some more when he rolls over.

You let out a groan, one that John assumes is because he's tugging on the duvet you have tightly wrapped around yourself. John chuckles tiredly to himself and rests back into the pillow.

Then you groan again, something closer to a whimper actually.

That's when John eye's finally peel open groggily, eyebrows furrowed as he casts a look over his shoulder. "(y/n)?" He asks, his voice scratchy in fatigue as it always is in the morning and even more so if he is woken in the middle of the night. "Are you alri-"

"Oh John."

Immediately, the centre back feels heat rush to his cheeks. His body is very quickly awoken and he knows for a fact he will not be getting back to sleep at all tonight. You keep muttering, sometimes under your breath and sometimes as clearly as was possible. At first, John tried to wake you by tugging on the duvet again, but you stayed firmly asleep in whatever dream had you a little breathless.

"Mhm, don't stop John."

John paws at his hair roughly, trying to fight off the feeling that brews in his stomach at the thought of you dreaming that kind of dream about him. It makes him feel crazy, but overwhelmed at the same time. Maybe this means that you feel the same way as he does or maybe it just means that you think he's attractive and he would be stupid if he didn't recognise that is the truth.

He feels like a bit of a massive creep laying there listening to you having a fucking sex dream about him right next to you in the bed, so he eventually climbs out of bed as quietly as he can manage. By the time he gets to the bathroom it becomes painfully, brutally obvious that the primal side of him would not be leaving him alone tonight either.

He opted to pad down the hall to the third bathroom, turning on the shower above the bath to hopefully get some reprieve from his ridiculous thoughts, but every time he tried to think about something else his mind would come straight back to you.

The way you moaned, whimper, panted and spoke his name in those moments.

There's really no way out of the situation other than to take his large, strong hand to his aching cock, his stomach tightening as he exhales heavily. John has to bite down on his lip, head tipped back with the hot water from the shower dribbling down over his body.

"Fuck." He curses, pumping the length of himself slowly as his mind conjures up images of you that he puts together through the many experiences he's had with you over the past year the you've lived together. He's seen you skirting around in just a t-shirt that raises up when you reach to find all of those things that John puts away without thinking because he's so much taller than you. He's grown used to getting little glimpses that make him hastily avert his eyes, little glimpses of the tops of your thighs, even the frilly edges of your underwear.

John knows the feeling of the soft skin on your legs from when you drape them over his lap during movie nights. He softness of your hair, how it smells from when you fall asleep with your head on your chest. He knows all of your little quirks, where your birthmark is and the name of the park you got those scars on your knees growing up. He knows so much about you, finding comfort in those late night conversations that give John the sense that this flat may not be his home, but in fact that you are his home.

"John are you alright? I heard a crash?" You call out.

In desperately grasping for something to hold onto through the hot, fiery bliss of tugging himself off thinking about you, John hadn't noticed that he had knocked over your apple shampoo.

And now you're awake

"Please answer me? John? I'm coming in just to sa-"

Your words get caught in your throat as your eyes widen to the size of saucers. Your mind had conjured up the idea of John slipping in a late night shower and cracking open his head, laying there bleeding and maybe drowning on the running water.

That, of course, was not in fact that case.

John was stood there without even the opportunity to react and remove his hand from holding himself before you burst on in.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry I uh-I'm so sorry John." You stammer, bumbling out and stumbling over your words in an obvious struggle. You clearly aren't sure where to look and John's cheeks are just about redder than they ever have been. With his hand finally moved, you can clearly see his erection, stood proudly up against his stomach.

John's hair is plastered to his head from the shower. The beads of water dribble down his toned torso, strong hands moving to try and cover what is left of his modesty.

"Good dream?" John attempts to flirt smoothy, but his voice does crack every so slightly. It was now your turn to flush a deep shade of red.

So he had heard you.

And you brought him to a panting mess in the shower.

"Pretty good, yeah." You spilled nervously, immediately crossing your legs to clench them tightly together. "Thought so," John mulls over his words, "Why don't you come in here and tell me what it was about, eh?" He suggests somewhat smugly, stepping out from under the stream of the water, pushing out the shower screen and offering out his hand to you with his eyebrows raised in anticipation.

Your mouth is dry, lips parted - wondering if there was any possibility that you were actually still stuck in your sex dream from mere moments before. John's sudden confidence doesn't waver with your lack of words. Instead he steps out of the shower, allowing the water to run down his body, trailing down the length of his long legs as he makes his way over to where you stand.

"And no," John murmurs quietly, heat radiating off of him in the way that he speaks directly into you ear with his cheek presses against yours. "You are not still dreaming. So join me?" He says, his plump lips brushing against your neck leaving the most gentle feather light kisses against the exposed skin.

You exhale shakily, "God I thought you'd never make a move."

#john stones x reader #john stones imagine #john stones imagines #footie fics #football fics #footballer fics #football imagines #footballer imagines #john stones

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eyesofkusanali · 3 years ago

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university au headcanons: mondstadt edition pt 1

the library

warnings: shady frat shit, lisa has an onlyfans characters: kaeya, mona, diluc, jean, lisa category: headcanons, modern au, university au notes: writing this instead of doing my coursework. this is fine. if you like this, maybe i'll write some oneshots in this setting. also lmk what you think of the headers, i made them and am not sure if i like them as they are! if this does well, i'll do a part two with albedo, amber, eula, rosaria, and barbara! part 2 is here!!

kaeya alberich

a criminology major, though he has a minor in psychology

year three student, but he acts like he's doing his postgrad

wants to be an investigator when he finishes his degree

doesn't seem to put any effort in during class, though he's happy to work hard outside of class

he sits in the back and definitely flirts with whoever is unfortunate to find themselves back there

definitely vague tweets about the people in his classes

hates literally everyone in his criminology classes; the people in psychology are tolerable

spends so much time with mona because she's fun to make fun of and they share some classes

literally everyone thinks him and mona are dating because they spend so much time together in classes

rly kaeya is just aggressively giving her money managing tips

joined the favonius society shortly after joining the university, especially because diluc left it. became treasurer, diluc's old role in the society

mona megistus

third year psychology student, seems like a first year

runs a very popular studyblr and studygram; has the prettiest notes

also runs a witchcraft and astrology side blog, which is much less popular

has no sense of how to manage her money because she overspends on literally everything

half of her student loan probably goes to local coffee shops because she loves good coffee

kaeya is the only reason she is not overdrafting every month

took up a job at the local cat cafe, the cat's tail

her favorite coworker is diona except for when she pesters mona about her supposed boyfriend

she would never date kaeya because he is a sagittarius and she hates sagittarii!

but besides that, kaeya is alright. takes him to parties because it stops creeps from hitting on her

doesn't really spend much time with other people at the university other than kaeya -- she has a social media presence to maintain and money to make

but on occasion she'll follow aether or kaeya to the favonius society

diluc ragnvindr

studying business as a postgrad student

everyone knows his name bc of his family business, the dawn winery

hates that he's known for the dawn winery though, would rather be known for his kindness to others. absolutely will not express this to anyone.

thinks that one day he might be interested in being a teacher, but for the time being he spends too much time in either his office working or the library studying

somebody please convince this man to take a break, he needs it

doesn't talk to anyone in his classes. only occasionally he'll meet up with his old friends from the favonius society, jean and lisa

refuses to set foot in there after there was a big scandal involving a former leader shortly after his father's death

occasionally gives ted talks and other presentations at the university

probably started a falconry society where he teaches others about taking care of falcons and teaches others with his own falcon, noctis

jean gunnhildr

postgrad student finishing up her public policy degree

manages a homeless shelter when she isn't at school or helping out with the favonius society

takes part in local fencing tournaments for fun. it's an added benefit that it helps keep her fit!

attending university on so many scholarships. how did she get them? jean won't tell

originally was vice-president of the favonius society, though ever since the president went under investigation she became the president pro tempore.

takes on way too much work organizing events at the favonius society. jean rarely offloads any work to any of the other society officers

no one has any idea how she works and manages the society and does really well in her degree

once she worked herself so sick that her younger sister had to drag her home for a week. afterward the officers got an earful from barbara who made them promise to try to lighten jean's load

jean thinks its worth it though because her society has been getting a lot of awards since she's stepped up

when she's working in her office, members of the society will often sit in there to keep her company.

every once in a while they can convince her to take a break for a few hours, and she'll go out for a meal with lisa and diluc.

whenever albedo's sister visits, she finds herself on klee duty more often than she would like. unfortunately for jean, klee likes her the best!

professor lisa minci

teaches anthropology to undergraduates

known for her research into ancient elemental magic and is currently working on a paper about magical rituals of khaenri'ah

really wants to stop teaching and just become a library because she hates young adults

like if she could spend a whole day just organizing books she would be so happy

and since she can't do it on the main campus' library, she does it for the collection the favonius society has.

she's the staff contact for the society

she was a member before she became a professor

still hangs out there a lot because her best friend is currently leading it and jean needs emotional support

half of the society is convinced they are dating. lisa only fuels the rumors cause she thinks they're funny

honestly up to you the reader if you think they're dating (they probably are)

she is hip with technology and has an onlyfans. she can tell when students walk into class and are subscribed to her. it amuses her

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thatfrenchacademic · 3 years ago

Note

hey! you seem like you're a really good TA (? idk if that's the right term but you seem to have some prof/teacher tasks?) and i was wondering how you got the confidence to do that? i'm basically on your level of education but i wouldn't think i was smart/capable enough to judge other students' writing and stuff, i feel like one of them more than one of the teachers if you get what i mean. do you have any advice?

Hello !

That is such a thoughtful question - and I am sure all postgrads who suddendly have to start teaching feel the same at the beginning. In my opinion, it is a fairly healthy mindset to have, as long as it does not inhibit your own teaching and remain just some healthy awareness that, hey, you are still learning many things yourself.

I am very touched you think I am a good TA - I hope I manage to be a helpful one at least.d I definitely still often wonder "am I qualified to teach this ? To... grade this ? Who am I to say whether this is good work or not?" But here are a few thingsm coming both from my experience so far and my discussions with other TA, which could maybe be of help to you (each developed under the cut)

1. You know more than your students, and that will be enough to help them.

2. Teaching is a two way street : you are not lecturing to them, you are working with them.

2bis : Give constant verbal feedback to your students !

3. Your own experience of being an Undergrad may not be the best point of reference

4. Talk to other TAs ! You all face the same issues !

5. Try out things, and if they do not work, it's fine.

6. Organize your session alternating moments where you take the lead, and moments where students take the lead.

7. Help, My students are not talking !

8. Grading is tough, but we can make it easier.

I hope they will be of help, but no worries, it takes practice, trial and errors, and time will help you figure it out. Do not hesitate to come back here if you have any question or something you want to discuss ! (And tell me how your teaching went, I would love to hear it!)

1. You know more than your students, and that will be enough to help them.

It means you do not have to be an expert in the topic you teach. You may even just be familiar with it. But by virtue of being a postgrad student, you know how to do the reading effectively, you will get very quickly what is important, what to retain from this or that reading. And you just need to know more than your students. Which you absolutely will.

I think being passionate, showing that you are excited about what you are teaching, giving them this energy, this interest, is much much more important than being a full-blown expert in your area.

2. Teaching is a two way street : you are not lecturing to them, you are working with them.

And that is not me being vaguely pseudo-inspiration ; it is something I have learnt and truly realized when I took a course on teaching. There is much literature on this, but the take-away is that especially as a TA, it is helpful if you see your job as working with students. Engage with them, offer them different options to choose from during the session, explain that you are here to support their learning, and give them some space to have some agency over what happens ! Trust them to at least try their best - many are!- and they will trust you in return, and will be more likely to give you some feedback.

2bis : Give constant verbal feedback to your students !

This does not come easy to me, but students NEED to be told when they said something good ! Because if you do not tell them explicitely, how would they know that, hey, this was a pretty cool comment !

But also, be clear when answer or a point raised is not relevant or wrong, because it also guides their understand of the topic. "Ok, I can see why you would say that, but it's actually abit trickier...". "Ah, yes, it is very interesting that you raise it, it is a common misunderstanding and I am glad you are pointing it out, because it is an interesting discussion to have!"

3. Your own experience of being an Undergrad may not be the best point of reference

When I started teaching, I made the mistake of thinking "ok, what sort of TA/tutorial do I wish I had, in Undergrad?", and went with what I know I would have enjoyed. Except I am a passionate nerdy introvert who hated talking to my peers and doing group works, and wanted a TA who was no-bullshit, clear, professional. Most of your students are probably not, and may indeed enjoy group work, or the opportunity to connect with their peers during your tutorial. Most of your students will appreciate a TA who is more forthcoming, friendly, and may crack a joke or two. And it is a weird role to have, it may clash with your personality (it definitely clashes with mine), but it's ok if it takes time to find the right zone for you ! It is absolutely part of the process !

4. Talk to other TAs ! You all face the same issues !

Pooling experience with other TAs is fantastic. Because no matter what issue you are facing, one of them faced it already. How do you teach in the shitty Room 605 where the computer does not work ? How do they deal with students who do not do the readings ? How to they handle lack of motivation from students ? What sort of group work do they organize ? Who sort of online tools do they rely on ? How do they deal with all the emails they get ? And on that note...

5. Try out things, and if they do not work, it's fine.

Do not be afraid to try things. I tend to stay away from "complex" activities which can confuse students, or rely too much on technology. But group work ? There are so many types of group work ! Why stick to just the "think of this question in group of 3 for 5 minutes", when you could do a syndicate, snowballing, 2-minutes essay, fishbowl, think-pair-share, buzz groups...

And sometimes, it will not work. Just... a bad session. And you feel that it's on you, that you did not manage to do your work, that you are a bad teacher... And refer to Point 2. Then, calmly, talk about it with another TA. Explain what you did, and try to get their opinion on it, reflect on it. But it is never all on you.

6. Organize your session alternating moments where you take the lead, and moments where students take the lead.

Teaching is exhausting, learning is exhausting, genuinely, so balance out moments where you do the heavy work, and moments where they do. I like to have a rough session plan with all the activities I have planned, and indicate for each if it is "ME", "STUDENTS", "ALL". And also ensure that your students are given the opportunity to really take an active role, which is way better for learning !

7. Help, my students are not talking :

This will happen. You will ask a question, no one will answer. Big, awkward, heavy silence. You reformulated the question, but clearly it is not working. Here are a few ways I have reacted to it :

- Show of hands 1 : for a quick diagnosis. "Can you raise your hand if you have done the reading for this question ? Just so I know if this is maybe the problem". Encourage the ones who have done the readings to explain it to the others.

- Show of hands 2 : "Ok, there are two ways to answer this question X and Y. Can you raise you hand if you think Y, and lower it if you think X?". Encourage some who picked Y to explain why, then same with X.

- Show of hands 3 : "Ok, let's lower the pressure. Who thinks they kind of have an answer, but is not sure about how to word it, or properly argument it?". Ask whoever raise their hand to start, and pick up yourself from there.

- Switch to think-pair-share : "Ok, how about we think a bit about this on our own for a few minutes, and then you can compare your own answers with your neigbour"

- Collapse the classroom : "Ok, I can see that this is not working. It's ok, can you tell me if it is because the topic is not super interesting, or the reading ? Are the questions not what you expected?"

- End of the session clear-up : [once everything is over] "Ok, so now that the session is over, can I ask you guys why it was difficult for you to talk today ? Just so I can make sure I can come up with questions that are useful to you, next time. If some of you want to stay a few minutes to talk about what you would like to change for the next tutorials, we can talk about it now ; you don't have to, of course"

8. Grading is tough, but we can make it easier.

Especially if you are grading things like essays, we can often feel uneasy, unsure how to grade them, how legitimate we are to grade them, especially with the sheer impact grades can have on students. Ideally, you want to have a list of things that are PLUS POINTS, and perhaps some that are MINUS POINTS, and have those strictly guide your grading, to be fair to all students and assess them similarly. I also found that it is helpful to grade the paper, only the paper. When there is a really, really bad essay where clearly the student barely tried, it's easy to get frustrated, because you did your best, and clearly the student did not care ? But you never actually know what happened. Real examples of students submitting absolutely terrible work include : a student who was grieving her mother, a student who had been in hospital and did not know she could ask for a delay, an adult student whose child had gotten sick the days before, a foreign student with a poor grasp on English... When you are grading the 78th essay of the week, it is easy to forget that each of them is from an individual, and we get to judge the work they do, but not why they did it. Even in your comments and feedback, always be compassionate.

#life as a TA #teaching #University #phdblr #gradblr

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