#i had to post this at somepoint and thought well now’s better then never

[proxycrit]

What if I redesigned some horses to fit MY favorite narrative trope: fallen gods and forgotten myths of old? Anyways.

Twilight’s mentor is a strange one. In a world of twilit planes forever shrouded in mystery, the older unicorn Lest and her adopted student Twilight are one in many common travelers, migrating the pitted wastelands and eeking survival within settlements that spring up around the glowing meteor shards. Despite living with Lest for the last four years, Twilight can’t help but seek answers to where her brother has gone— and in the process, perhaps dig a bit too deeply into the complexities of gods far older and dangerous then she can truly fathom.

On the otherhand, Celestia “Lest” Sol is having a terrible millenium. Her sister is no longer her sister, her student teleported herself halfway across the continent, and she got herself kidnapped by an old rival trying to attune with the elements of harmony to overthrow the current ruler of Equestria.

At least she gets a toxic yuri moment.

Meanwhile, Chrysalis is having a great time. She’s got kingdoms to conquer and people to feed and a waning god to taunt.

(The Selene Grace hates the sun monarch they deposed five centuries ago as they stay chained to their post, keeping the lunar and solar bodies from crashing into each other. Luna misses her sister, and the easier world where they haven’t hurt each other beyond reparation. Nightmare Moon misses their monstrosity, trapped in a host who’s grief has poisoned them with empathy.

Things are bound to tip. The celestial bodies are not bodies, but prisons, and the amalgamations we call alicorns the key. And something desperately wants to be freed…)

Anyways:

My mane 6 redesign here!

And my luna and celestia redesigns here!

[aerynwrites]

Words Unspoken - Din Djarin x Reader

Author’s Note: Good morning everyone! I finally completed another One shot from my never shrinking list of requets 🤣. I’m planning on having at least one more out this week along with a couple other things, but I’ll make a separate post about that later today at somepoint. Any who, I hope you all enjoy it and as always i love to hear your feedback! Also! Thank you to my lovely beta readers @anniebombannie and @amberthefiredemon! They have been such a blessing to me an helped me out a ton!

Request: Can you do a Din x Armorers apprentice!Reader where they kind of have an unspoken thing going on, and in ep 8 where din comes upon the pile of armor in the tunnels, he finds readers helmet in the pile and assumes the worst, but she comes around the corner with the armorer in snazzy new armor and Din is all *heart eyes*. And Din is all “I thought I lost you” and they have this really intimate moment amongst all the chaos and they do the thing where they rest their foreheads together.? Tysm!  (requested by @emma-frxst)

Word Count: 1.8k   

Warnings: angst, fluff, death.

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You and Din had known each other your entire lives. Having grown up together as neighbors, it was inevitable that you would form a friendship as children. However, this also meant that you were together the day your village was attacked. Your parents had immediately scooped you up from your bedroom and ran frantically from the house to meet up with Din’s parents and tried to escape the droid attack in vain. Your parents had died that day, and the Mandalorians had taken both you and Din in as foundlings. 

You both began your journey to become Mandalorians together. You ate together, trained together, took the creed together, and even cried together when the nightmares plagued your sleep. And as the years went on, this bond turned into more, and you both found yourselves falling hard for one another. Although you never outwardly told one another how you felt, you both knew. And even though you had not physically seen one another in decades, you could still feel the connection you had. However, when it came time to choose your paths in the covert, fate pulled you each in different directions. 

You knew Din was a fighter. A warrior. And while you could fight well, you felt a calling to work with your hands and help in other ways. So, you chose the path of becoming the Armorer’s apprentice. 

She had taken you on happily, stating “It’s nice to have someone who understands they can help in other ways than brute force.”

However, these different paths meant that you and Din rarely saw each other, and when you did it was in fleeting touches and soft words spoken in the few moments you had together. It killed you two. And that’s how you ended up standing in front of Din in your small quarters within the covert six months ago, as he told you of his plan to rescue the asset he had turned over earlier that day.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, gloved hands rubbing together anxiously, avoiding the unmoving gaze of the beskar helmet in front of you, “I’m sorry I can’t be there to help you.”

Din shook his head taking your hands in his own, “We can’t change the path that we’re destined for,” he reassures.

You just shrug your shoulders, “I know but-“ you pause steadying your shaking voice before continuing, “I’m just scared of what will happen to you. I never know if you’re okay until you walk back through that door,” you whimper.

You hear the man in front of you let out a quiet scoff, “Don’t be stupid. You can’t get rid of me that easily,” he jokes.

You let out a quiet laugh before looking over his new beskar armor, a reward for the very bounty he was going to take back, a reward you helped create, and you lean your head forward, relishing in the soft clink of metal against metal as Din lets his forehead meet yours. A Mandalorian kiss. 

“Just be safe, okay?” you ask quietly, hands squeezing his softly, “I don’t know what I’d do if you don’t come back.”

Din lets out  soft sigh before pulling away from you reluctantly, hands coming to rest on the sides of your helmet, “I’ll come back as soon as I can. I promise.”

But that memory felt like years ago as Din lies dying on the destroyed floor of the Nevarro cantina. That had been the last time he had seen you before he had saved the child and was forced to leave Nevarro, forced to leave you and break the promise he had given you all those months ago. He hadn’t heard your voice or seen you since that last conversation…hell, he didn’t even know if you were alive. That thought alone stirred fears and regrets inside of Din that he hadn’t even realized were there. He was full of regrets as him and his small team of friends laid pinned down in the destroyed cantina. He had told them to flee, sure that he was going to die. Cara and Greef reluctantly agreed, taking the child and leaving him with the reprogrammed droid and his own regrets. 

Those regrets being unspoken words and abandoned touches. He had never told you how much he loved you. He had planned to when they made it back to the covert, but now he didn’t know if that would happen. The next few moments pass in a blur. Him threatening the droid, removing his helmet, the droid healing him instead of hurting him -  It was all too much for his injury muddled brain to handle. Too many emotions and too many things happening all at once. He felt his heart pund against his ribcage as they finally caught up with Cara a Greef and began naviagting the damp, dingy tunnels leading to the covert

Would anyone still be here? Would you still be here? How would you react, did you think he was dead?

Even as his head began to clear of physical pain, it was still clouded by an emotional fog. He hadn’t seen you in so long and his heart clenched at the idea of finally being with you again. When the small group round a corner however, he almost stopped in his tracks at the sight before him. 

Mandalorian helmets.

A huge pile of them, all discarded and broken as they had been tossed aside after their owners were no doubt slain by the very people hunting him down. He continued to approach slowly, turning the light on his helmet off as he finally came within reach of the eldritch pile. His comrades were silent, no doubt feeling great sympathy for their friend. But as he scanned over the empty visors in front of him, he felt his breath being sucked from his lungs as his eyes  landed on an all too familiar gold colored helmet. 

Your helmet.

He knelt down, more because his knees collapsed beneath him at the weight of the situation more than anything, and he grasped your empty helmet in his hands, gripping desperately at the sides as tears of anger and confusion burned at his eyes. 

You were gone. Wiped out with the rest of the clan like roaches under the imperial boot. Snuffed out as easily as a candle, like you didn’t exist at all. 

But you did exist.

You existed in a happy and joyful life despite everything you had been through. You existed in Din’s bleak world as a light guiding him to shore to keep him from being sucked under the dark and dismal waves of his everyday life. You existed to him, and now, you were gone…taking a piece of the Mandalorian with you, and in that newly emptied space, Din’s entire soul was flooded with rage as he stared into your shattered and empty visor.

Cara took a cautious step forward, “We should go,” she says quietly.

“You go,” Din said firmly, “Take the ship. I can’t leave it-“ he had to stop himself, swallowing past the lump in his throat, “I can’t leave it like this.”

He pauses for a moment, before standing up abruptly turning on Greef with your helmet still held firmly in his hand, “Did you know about this?” he ignores Greef’s look of surprise and continues, “Was this the work of your bounty hunters?” he seethes, anger and grief lacing his words as he held onto your helmet like a lifeline.

Greef splutters, “No. When you left the system and took the prize, the fighting ended and the hunters just melted away,” he defended, “You know how it is. They’re mercenaries. They’re not Zealots!”

Din took several threatening steps forwards, and he felt the tears leaking from his eyes now as he still gripped the metal helmet in his hand with such force he worried he might break it.

“Did you do this?” he demanded, “Did you?” he was yelling now, his emotions getting the better of him for once.

“It was not his fault.” An all too familiar voice speaks through the darkness and causes a brief flicker of relief to flash through Din’s heart as the Armorer speaks.

“We revealed ourselves,” she says walking out of a nearby door to fiddle with a few discarded metal pieces, “We knew what could happen if we left the covert.”

Din watches her every move, not because he is afraid of her, but simply because he is waiting for you to come out behind her, a hope he knows is in vain. 

She continues, “The imperials arrived shortly thereafter…this is what resulted,” she states, a certain sadness in her voice. 

Din glances from your helmet in his hand then back to the armorer, “Did…any survive?”

The armorer seemed to understand the hidden meaning behind Din’s question, and he saw her move to answer but a set of approaching footsteps from the door she came from interrupted her.

“Who are you talking too?” 

Din feels the blood in his veins turn to stone as he hears a familiar and sweet voice meet his ears and you emerge into the tunnels. He noticed that a new set of armor replaced your old set as you stopped in your tracks and your gaze fell onto the group in front of you. You dropped the tools in your hands as your eyes fell onto Din’s form, the all to familiar beskar glinting in the low light. 

“Din?” you whisper, not believing that he was here, in front of you, after all these months. 

A loud metallic thunk is followed shortly after as Din drops your old helmet onto the concrete floor and runs to you, arms wrapping around you so tightly the air is pulled from your lungs. You feel tears fill your vision and fall down your cheeks under the helmet as you return his embrace, all your subdued fears and anxieties melting away as he held you in his arms once more.

“I saw your helmet and I thought-“ his voice cracked slightly as he spoke but he continued, “I thought I had lost you cyar'ika,” his voice was low and wet with his own tears as he spoke. 

You let out a soft chuckle past your tears as you pull away from the embrace, opting instead to rest your forehead gently against his own in a familiar gesture. 

“You can’t get rid of me that easy,” you say quietly, moving to intertwine your gloved fingers with his own, “Plus you had a promise to keep.”

Din smiled under his helmet and relaxed into you, his helmet leaning more heavily on yours as his hands squeezed yours firmly, “Yes, I did, and I came back, just like I said I would.”

You saw the other members of his group and the armorer move into the room behind you to give you some privacy, and you took this moment to pull away from Din minutely, hands still intertwined as you looked into his visor through your own. 

“I love you Din Djarin.”

Din doesn’t reply, he just pulls you into another tight embrace and leans his forehead against yours once more, letting out a quiet and relieved sigh. 

And even though he doesn’t say the words back, you know he loves you more than words could ever express.

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Mando Tag: @tryn25 @igotmadskills @dizzydazed @theforceofdisney @jeepangel @maryan028 @mandalorian-theway

Pedro Character’s Tag: @fleurdemiel145 @sargesbestgirl @lustriix @yeah-boiiiiiiiiiii @longitud-de-onda

Permanent: @lord-wolfgen @petalduck @sebastianstanslefteyebrow @stillreadingfantasy

[dxmedstudent]

On Thyroids and life plans...

In response to this ask post in which I talked about my health; specifically the potential for thyroid issues and their potential effects on fertility: garra-of-da-funk said:  Hope your health is okay! Don’t worry, you’ll find someone who loves you exactly the way you are!  

Aww Thank you! That’s very sweet of you to say.  I feel lucky; my health could be a lot worse, and the health issues I have currently are manageable if occasionally a nuisance. For the most part, I can live life as I want to, and that’s something I’m grateful for.  

This is rather a personal post, so it’s behind a cut because I’d rather the full post wasn’t reblogged (replies are fine).

My thyroid and its potential effect on my fertility  is really an issue for Future DX somepoint further down the line (and hopefully never!), and I don’t know what will happen with that; it’s the uncertainty sometimes that makes things difficult. Knowing something is definite means you can mourn it and then plan for it. Knowing something might screw up further down the line? Completely out of your control? I feel that’s harder for you to get your head around.

My family, rather sensibly, advise me to take one step at a time; there’s a good chance it may never even be an issue. They think I just need to focus on what I’m doing right now and see what happens when it happens; because after all, it’s not certain that my thyroid will mess up, or that my fertility will be affected; there’s a good chance that nothing might happen. But I’m a medic who overthinks things, and I always end up mourning things early. I think for me, acknowledging the possibility now was necessary for me to deal with it and make peace with the uncertainty, so that I don’t stress over this for the next 10 years. I’m feeling much better about it now that I’ve had some time to process things, and though it made me really sad at the time, it doesn’t preoccupy me at present. Thank you for your encouragement. It’s early days, but I’m seeing someone nice who so far is taking the whole dating-a-busy-scatterbrained-medic thing in their stride. He knows about the thyroid situation, and would probably give similarly sensible advice and be supportive if I talked about the potential ramifications on fertility (I touched on it, but haven’t discussed it in detail), because we’ve been supportive through each other’s ups and downs so far and he’s a kind person who cares about my feelings. But I just don’t feel that’s a topic to dwell on together, yet. It’s too theoretical and too far down the line to dwell on it this early on, given that we’re nowhere near a stage where having kids is even on the horizon. I wouldn’t want anyone dating me to feel pressured into having kids really early, and I myself don’t feel that I’d be ready for kids in the immediate future, anyway; I’d need to feel more settled at work, and I’d need to feel that I was with the right person and it was the right time. I’ve spent the past 17 or so years confounding my relatives by not rushing things, and I have no plans to make any panic-stricken decisions on the baby front. My implant buddy is staying firmly embedded in my arm until it’s the right time for everyone.

So the only thing I can really do right now is keep dating at a pace we both feel comfortable with, have fun and see what happens. I just have to make peace with the fact that taking my time to get to know people, and making sure I’m with the right person and have kids at the right time might mean that it doesn’t happen for me biologically. Life comes with no guarantees, for me or for anyone else; and that hurts and is scary to admit, but you just have to take things one step at a time. Right now, I’m enjoying where things are going, and I’m happy.

I touched on this in a conversation with a close friend today. But I think inherently part of the problem is that as medics, we see the worst. The rare cases where things go really bad. The cases where young people face things they shouldn’t have to face. We see bad things happen to good people, all the time. And it skews our perception of reality. I am inherently an optimist who wants to see the best in things. But my world is dark and full of scary things, and that means that sometimes life itself looks pretty scary.  So it’s not that I think I don’t deserve happiness, or that good things can’t come to me; I don’t think I’m undeserving or repulsive or unloveable. Logically I’m a perfectly average person with an average chance at being happy and there’s probably someone out there who could enjoy being with me. I don’t find that inherently hard to believe. I have friends who are happily married and lots of people out there seem to be happy. But though I’ve seen friends luck out in relationships, but I’ve also seen others struggle with problem relationship afte problem relationship, so I know that there’s no guarantee that just because things start off well, that things will continue nicely. I don’t relish the potental for getting my heart broken, but you can’t achieve meaningful relationships without that risk. To paraphrase a well-known quote, my heart may be safe as a ship in harbour whilst I’m single, but that’s not what ships (or hearts) are for. I’m surrounded by constant reminders that bad things happen, and therefore I can find it hard to believe good things will come my way, or bad things won’t happen, because so much of what I see is personal tragedy and hardship. I realise that I’m perfectly ordinary. And bad things can happen to perfectly ordinary people. Even if they work hard. Even if they are optimistic. Even if they try their best. I’ve had two cancer scares in the space of a year (both negative, thankfully), which is probably what’s set this off, because it only brought into relief that health is fragile, and none of us are guaranteed a disease-free life. So although it’s perfectly possible I stay relatively well, end up happy with someone nice and have kids and live a decent life in a specialty I love, it’s also possible that I come down with something dreadful, can’t find a relationship that works, or end up infertile before 40 in a specialty I hate. Logically, both aren’t equally likely, but because I see bad things happen to perfectly nice people a lot, I find it hard to put it into perspective because my experience is skewed. And although most of the time I’m good at grounding myself (the benefits of overthinking things your entire life) lately, with the health scares, it just got harder to think optimistically about my future.

I think I’ll need to work on a bit of CBT to put those thoughts into perspective and to focus on the positive things that might happen.

[annaparsons822]

ANTI IS FUCKING FLOWEY FROM UNDERTALE

-THE LINK……. This fucking link: https://youtu.be/cNGl07oYHp4 - ANTI IS COMPLETELY INSPIRED BY FLOWEY THE FLOWER - “In this world, it’s kill or be killed” *psychotic laughter* - “I owe you a HUGE thanks (thanks community), you really did a number on that old fool (*cough* Jack) Without you, I never could’ve gotten past him (Yeah because we gave Anti more attention than Jack). - “but now, with your help HE’S DEAD” (Jack is completely dead, Anti reigns, hence the “say goodbye” vid) -“and i’ve got the human soul” (Obviously, Anti took Jack’s human soul) -“Boy, i’ve been empty for So long” *chuckle* it feels GREAT to have a soul inside me AGAIN (Anti is bragging now, and btw, “again”?) -“hmm I can fell them wiggiling” ( Remember Jack was still fighting for possession of his own body) -“awe, you’re feeling left out aren’t you? Well, that’s just perfect” -“After all, I only have 6 souls” (Jack’s egos) -“I still need ONE MORE” (Who is it? WHO?! Jack himself? Or the whole COMMUNITY?) -“BEFORE I BECOME A GOD” (Dark vs Anti: “This world is MINE, these people are MINE” -“And then with my new found powers, monsters (other egos like Dark), humans, everyone, i’ll show them all the real meaning of this world (K, now this is a threat) -"oh i forgot about escaping into your old save file, it’s gone forever.” (“Now he’s gone forever” in say Goodbye vid) -“ but don’t worry, you’re old friend flowey (*cough* Anti) has worked out a replacement for you” (Which is him👏fucking👏self) -“I’LL SAVOR (or save all) YOUR OWN DEATH SO YOU CAN SEE ME TEAR YOU UP INTO BLOODY PIECES.” *Chuckle*(As a matter of fact he did, and that’s why Jack is still alive because Anti is making him suffer SLOWLY) -“OVER AND OVER AND OVER” (Hence the title in one of his videos “LIVE.DIE.REPEAT”) -“What? Do you really think you could stop me?” (We all had the opportunity to do so… “You could’ve stopped me, but you just watched, AS THIS HAPPENED”) -“You really are an idiot” (We are fools, guys) - This is all just a bad dream..“and you’re never waking up!” *more cackles* (On Jack’s twitter on his “location” it says “in your head” This is a bad dream that we are never going to be able to escape? Guys, we are all trapped, Anti trapped us. We are trapped and we are going to be stuck forever started on the 3rd, which is the expectation of Anti’s new video) -“Do you really think I was going to be satisfied” (Did you think he was done after “SAY GOODBYE”?) -“Killing you only one time” (again, the title: “LIVE.DIE.REPEAT.) -cut in video- -"No, NO! This can’t be happening! You! YOU! Idiot! (Some people were trying to stop Anti in the community, but he knows damn well that the majority of the community still pays attention to him, enough to keep him alive) -"Do you really think you can defeat me?!” (You can’t get rid of me” in Always Watch vid) -“I am the god of this world, and you, YOU’RE HOPELESS” (“Look at you all, you’re just sitting there, you all thought I was gone, not worrying about anything” in Always Watching Vid) -“Hopeless and alone. That’s right, your worthless friends can’t save you now” (Jack is hopeless and alone in this fight, we can’t save him) -“Call for help, I DARE YOU” (Remember that source code tag on his post with Jack’s pic on it? It said S.O.S.) -“Cry into the darkness ‘mommy, daddy, somebody help!’ See what good it does you” (Anti mocking Jack) -In the game, you call for help (So Jack did call for help) -“but nobody came” (Exactly because WE ARE IGNORING JACK) -“Boy, what a shame, nobody else is getting (or going, same thing) to see you DIE” (Are we going to expect another death in the next video?) - In the game, you randomly get full health- - “What? How’d you? Where are my powers? The souls? What are they doing?! NOOOO! NOOO!You aren’t supposed to do that, you are supposed to obey me!” (OMG, JACKS EGOS ARE FIGHTING BACK, THEY ARE GOING TO FIGHT BACK) - Flowey defeated (?) - “What are you doing? Do you really I have learned anything from this? No, sparing me won’t change anything, killing me is the only way to end this? (ANTI IS TRICKING YOU, HE IS SAYING KILL ME BECAUSE HE WILL COME BACK ALIVE AND EVEN STRONGER, We have to spare him, it’s the only way to stop him from doing this mess) -“If you let me live, i’ll come back” (Again, it’s the opposite way, killing you is going to bring you back, Anti) - In the game you keep sparing him- -“i’ll kill you, i’ll kill everyone, i’ll kill everyone you love” (Yeah, sure) -“Why? Why are you being so nice to me?! I can’t understand!” (Didn’t some say that the red color means love and compassion or something? Because if they did say that, then the red light in his video’s could mean signs of weakness?) -“I can’t understand! I. JUST. CAN’T. UNDERSTAND.” - Flowey runs away - -“Why? Why did you let me go? Don’t you realize that being nice just makes you get hurt? Look at yourself, you made all these great friends, but now you’re probably never going to see them again. Not to mention how much they were set back by you. Hurts, doesn’t it? If you just gone through without caring about anyone, you wouldn’t have to feel bad now, so I don’t get it. If you really did anything the right way, why do things still end up like this? Why? Is life really that unfair? Say, what if I told you I knew some way to get you a better ending (Anti tricking us again), you have to load your save file, well in the meantime, why won’t you go see Dr. (Alfus?) (*Cough* Schneeple, you mean?) It seems like you could have been better friends, who knows? Maybe she’s got the key to your happiness, see ya soon! ● Okay, the last one is kind of confusing, but does Anti get defeated at somepoint? Who knows? But this whole Anti situation is DEFINETILY inspired by Flowey the flower in Undertale.

[prideandpen]

Writer’s log August 31st 2017

I’m calling it early today just shy of 600 words because I’m really struggling to see where Luana-Tiago’s head is at this point in the story and honestly I’ll probably write better once I’ve had a day away from her chapter and have thought a little bit about where she’s at emotionally. Writing her chapters has become such a challenge for me, I’m surprised every time too though I really shouldn’t be. Her character is a lot more self-focused than the others, really only worried about herself and her life because she’s never had the opportunities to care about others openly before so it makes her a detached sort of character despite her potential. And writing a character who is that closed off from people is proving to be a challenge for me. I know I’ll figure her out and get her chapter done and that later in the story her character will grow and begin to change more and likely become a little easier to write but for now I kind of wish she would just talk to me and tell me how she’s feeling. I also need to work on showing her emotions more, she keeps everything bottled up because of her detachment, and doesn’t really let others see what’s going on inside her head but it’s going to be difficult to show her growth as a character in a believable way if she stays an emotionless droid unless she’s really shaken up.

With nearly 3k the last time I wrote I’m not too happy with my progress today, but something is better than nothing, right? And I can always put some work into brainstorming for my Nano project as well; not sure where I’m going with that honestly. I need a plot dammit! Though I’m maybe starting to get a glimpse of my characters, however they’re still likely to change. I’m thinking three female leads and one male. My goal is kinda no romances in this one? But who am I kidding, I’m a sucker for romances.That’s all I got though. it needs work. I should probably do some research on creatures from mythology so that I can start designing my mermaids, my dragons, and decide on whatever creatures I need for the fire and air elemental cultures.

Sidenote about sky pirates: did I ever tell you about the sort of mythology I thought up for the climate change/flooding? Because I totally thought up something great while I was lying in bed the other week and it’s still buzzing in my head. Maybe i’ll write it out and post it as an excerpt at somepoint because i’m honestly not sure where, or if at all, it’ll fit in the story.

[shinegrowlithe]

Long Post

About Kanna after I gave her up and how I did

Warnings: about sensitive topics

Animal death mention (not Kanna’s)

Depression

Eating disorder

Don’t read if any the above makes you uncomfortable, the eating disorder and animal part is very short/ barely mentioned.

As followers who sorta kept up with the story/ or followed me awhile, she’s a white shepherd I got as a puppy whom developed dog/ leash reactivity issues. I lived in apartment complex where I thought I wasn’t managing her or giving her the best life possible. So I gave her up to a family member, though my family made it sound at first like I was giving her to the person she was living with. Apparently no, my family member was the future owner. The family member is my step sister - sticking to no name basis on is prob better because Internet.

I don’t remember the semester after heavily and detailed, which was the spring semester. It blends together a lot. And I’m skipping some parts to keep warning tags off/ less depressing. I didn’t cope well at all, as you can assume from previous comments I’ve made. I got severely depressed. She was my first puppy I raised and my best friend in many ways. I had to put away everything that reminded me of her for a long time

I don’t when but I slowly started losing interest in my hobbies, ones I’ve had for 4+ years. It’s not like my depression or anxiety was new or having spikes in it was either. But this was. My guess is because they reminded me of the time I spent with Kanna because the hobbies I did routinely. Sounds ridiculous. But at this point, I know there’s a lot about Kanna’s situation that family and friends don’t understand/ try to comprehend anymore. Everyone reacts differently to traumatic events/ stress and to me this was one. But I had Kanna watch anime episodes when I left for school so she wouldn’t be lonely and bother the neighbors, for example. Anime just isn’t the same it was to me before I gave her up.

I lost not just my dog, best friend, but my hobbies. As well sorta my roommates (now old ones) who became annoyed with me about the dog situation that I stopped bringing it up to this day. Not mentioning more of that part the story (for obvious reasons). I didn’t have much to look forward to anymore and found day to day kinda pointless. To the point somedays I barely got out of bed or ate. I coped and found someone who listens in my human best friend Julianna, and I can’t express how much her listening about Kanna helps despite her never meeting her means to me. Second thing that helped me, is finding a new music interest. Which is Pentagon. They gave me hope in with their energy, happiness, music, laughter, and much more. I’m glad to have found them and support them now.

Why did I not ask for her back you ask? I have a huge problem asking people for things and it’s double for friends and family.

Another major reason why I couldn’t bring myself to ask, is shortly after I gave Kanna to my family member her dog, Loki, passed away who was terminally ill. The idea to ask her to ask her for a dog I willingly gave up when she lost a dog who had no chance to live. Just felt like I would end being a complete ass to be honest if I did so.

But let me go back to mid summer/ beginning, I start seeing how Kanna is being managed poorly. She now paces anxiously which she never did and whines whenever her new owner is out of sight. Will bark heavily outside in the fenced area if left without anyone. Which is a new behavior again.

At somepoint Sophie, one my moms dogs, during the summer, got a good size gash on the back side. It needed stitches. We don’t know where it came from. Kanna was there that day and they did hear a yelp. I hoped for a long time it wasn’t her. My mom was guessing it was her. But we have sprinkler head out of the ground the dogs always run into and was going for that option.She never bit a dog. Much less why a dog she’s known so long. That spot took over 6 months for her to grow all the hair back in. We don’t know for sure until next semester.

She bites Ryder later in the winter, it’s not bad enough to need snitches but my mom knows it was her this time. It’s basically confirmed last time was her. I’m unbelievably upset, mad, and so many emotions over this. If it other people’s dogs Kanna could of been put down over this or reported/ than second strike put down over this. But she’s safe because it’s our family’s dogs. But my mom is worried after Ryder bite. But not enough to make her do anything. Well sorta suggested training and thats it, once she turned that down. It died down. And that’s because of family conflict.

My mom at somepoint revealed to my family member I wanted Kanna back, she did not tell me how that conversation went or anything. I’m assuming not much talk and not well, I read my moms lack of much on it and underlining message of her telling me this. That my step sister was not happy about it and had no intentions on giving her back to me. Apparently she has not visited my parents house much since my mom has told her this. Could be related but could not be (there’s a lot family wise going on).

There’s more to the story but tried to keep it short. Sorry if it’s disconnected or rambling, I took parts from the main one I wrote/ also wrote around 1-3am

[amarynceus]

Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging words!  My heart was warmed when I read them this morning, it means a lot. ^~^  I really needed that.

Usually I can fight the inner demons on my own; I have considerable practice at it, having had for all my life the common artistic characteristics of not being able to be satisfied with anything I make for more than a moment or two, regularly confusing or conflating this feeling with the feeling of actually disliking the art, having difficulty with self-praise, and constantly overestimating the awesomeness of others’ work in comparison to one’s own.  Sometimes, though, I just get worn down, and temporarily lose the ability to metaphorically pet myself on the head and say, ‘there there, you don’t suck all that much, now get your arse back in the fight!’

Thanks again!  At least today I feel much less reluctance to pick up the stylus than I have felt for a while.  More thoughts on artistic confidence and such below, so apparently the need to write is greater.  Rambles!

Much of what’s been getting me down is a huge failure rate lately (which can’t be easily seen, because I rarely share my abominations), combined with the classic cyclical dance between one’s improving eye and one’s improving hand -- i.e. the fact that our abilities to discern and to create don’t usually increase hand-in-hand.  For example, December for me was a month where, in retrospect, it’s apparent that my critical eye didn’t improve much -- but I was still on an upward trend with the work, so my confidence soared and I was feeling pretty good about myself and my art.  It didn’t hurt that I had just begun to add the ponies to my repertoire; not only are they fun to draw, but I seemed to be picking it up quickly, and they were getting some attention and nice words, which always gives the confidence a boost.

But then, the critical eye became sharper again -- probably when I gave myself a week off from my daily doodle project after the Solstice.  At the same time, what I term my ‘failure rate’ soared -- this is based primarily on how many drawings and sketches are abandoned and worthless on the road to what works.  The critical eye, obviously, is the main factor -- but sometimes the hands just don’t do well at all at their job, and then if the confidence slips just enough, the whole edifice comes crashing down in flames.  The next thing you know, you find yourself having that extra glass of wine and letting slip a soft complaint into the digital aether.  And sometimes it turns out to be exactly the thing you needed to do at that moment, for the reactions can raise a wind for your sails -- but I’ll do my utmost to keep my self-defenestrating comments limited to particular drawings, haha!

There’s another aspect to my personal confidence as an artist, and I think to many artists and their confidence, and that is my relationship with failure.  I’ve had a lot of it; I won’t bore anyone with many of the details, but suffice it to say that I haven’t succeeded at much of anything in my adult life.  There is one important failure, though, that might contain a lesson for anyone still reading at this point; it’s certainly a valuable one for me.  So, since I seem to be in a rare mood of extreme loquacity, I’ll review it in some detail.

Almost 10 years ago, I landed a really great opportunity.  I was in a good place; I had spend several years working hard on my craft, had been online for only a short while but was gaining a respectable amount of attention (a Daily Deviation within a month or two of joining isn’t bad), I was being offered work regularly and having to send out endless emails seeking it much less, and I got this offer to design airships for a game company in Europe -- offsite, part-time, respectable pay, enough to pay the bills if I was super frugal.  I took it, of course -- I was all about the airships back then, even more than now, and to get paid real people money!?! 

Unfortunately, I was now accustomed to the pay from my day job which had recently become full time.  I was inexperienced at living on my own and managed finances poorly, and I also managed poorly at balancing two jobs, for naturally I cut back on the day job, which resulted in conflicts about work duties when I had to take.  Both suffered, I let a minor dispute with my client that wouldn’t even register to me now blow up, and I chose the security of a full-time, banal job over the uncertainty and newness of being a freelancer in a very shaky economy.  It was 100% the wrong decision, and part of me knew at the time, for I began to drink too much, eat poorly, gain weight, hate my job (for I deflected blame onto it) and slip into a depression that would last, intermittently, for the rest of the decade.  I stopped posting art online, almost stopped drawing altogether.  Shit, I even abandoned my email at the time!  I’ve legit forgotten passwords to at least three email accounts over the years, so I just lied about that one.  Not proud, but self-loathing and depression are powerful drugs.

Anyway.  The most important part of the story is the part where I let this failure define me for many, many years -- quite honestly, until less than a year ago.  I tried briefly to resurface in ‘11, begin to get a taste of enthusiasm for my craft again, headed off the developing alcoholism, decided to go back to school to finally get that degree I didn’t have... and got derailed again, both artistically and as a student.  This time it was by a chapter of my life I would title ‘And Then Everyone But My Parents Fucking Died’ -- but that’s not important.  What is, is the fact that I was still defining myself by that colossal failure back in ‘07. Everything was seen through negative lenses; backsliding again with my art under the overwhelming pressure of anxiety and depression (my oldest friends) further reinforced the concept of myself as a perpetual failure.  Two failures to graduate!  Two failures to launch an artistic career!  My self-esteem was virtually non-existent, my skills were atrophied, and hopefully it was my lowest point.

Now, today, I can say that I’ve climbed out of a deep, deep chasm, since that time.  It’s been an incremental process, far more thoroughgoing with regards to my whole approach to thinking than I could ever hope to tackle in even a wordy blog post.  But I can safely say that there’s one huge key, without which none of the rest would work, and I’m sure it’s obvious.

Self-forgiveness.

It’s okay to fail. Everyone does at somepoint.  It’s okay to fail repeatedly.  Many people do.

What’s not okay is to turn failing into failure.  I fucked up, a decade ago.  Unfortunately I combined it with a previous history of failures and let my self-conception become one of a fuck-up.  And only when I finally, truly, stopped reproaching myself for fucking up what should have been the start of a professional career, could I finally return to where I was a decade ago, could I regain some spark of that starry-eyed optimistic twentysomething who was going places.  Not high places, but places with real people money for art, all the time.

That was about.... nine months ago, just before I started my daily drawing project (which also relates to my gigantic issues with FINISHING THINGS which is surely related but not a topic for today).  I’ve had to knock a lot of rust off, re-acquire a ton of basic skills I used to have, and in some ways re-learn almost everything from scratch.  Obviously this is not literally true, a lot of skills were just dusty and dormant, but is absolutely the feeling of the process.  Like going back to student days, though I never had any training in the first place, and all self-aware artists are perpetual students anyway.

So, yeah.  Creatives especially have to remind ourselves that failure is part of the process.  When a big one happens, unless necessity forces you to keep working, it’s a good idea to take a moment, sit back, reflect, analyze, and see what you can learn from it, and not just react.  10 years ago I just reacted, and effectively derailed myself for a decade.  Hasty decisions are far dangerous things than failures.

So get out there and fail, fail big, fail spectacularly, but always pick yourself up, find out what went wrong, and get back in that fight.

And never be afraid to ask for help now and again.  Sometimes it’s just to hard to stand up on your own.  I would never have got back on my feet without the support of my family, and now that I’m making art again the kind words and encouragement of my watchers helps keep me going on those difficult days.  Although ultimately as artists we must have that inner drive to keep making even if nobody looks at it or likes it, we also can’t function in an hermetic environment!  Sometimes all it takes is one nice comment to avert a Very Bad Day Indeed.

Which reminds me, I haven’t been leaving enough nice comments on art for some time.  Too wrapped up in my own selfish concerns! :D  Need to change that.

Hokay, we’re approaching non-sequitur territory, shoaling fast, better wrap this up.  If you’ve read this far and have any thoughts on the topics of artistic confidence and failure that you want to share, I’d be interested to hear them.

--AZ

-------

I’d also be interested to know if there is a way to respond to comments on post (as opposed to reblogs or asks) -- I’m still a tumblr nub so I can’t figure out how to do that, if indeed I can.  They’re disqus comments so they should be able to be threaded?  I don’t get it. *shrug*

[x4f0wrcg-blog]

Will getting a speeding ticket affect my insurance rate?

Will getting a speeding ticket affect my insurance rate?

I was going 71 in a 55 zone which is 16 over. I am 18 and still on my parents insurance and want to know if and how much my insurance rate will go up and if there is anything I can do. I got the ticket yesterday and haven t told them yet. I really want to just pay it and get over with it but if my insurance goes up I am looking at a whole other problem! Thanks for all your help in advance.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :CARINSURANCEQUOTESHQ.XYZ

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