#my orignal theres a whole lot more of me self blaming talk which is a major part of this

[shinegrowlithe]

Long Post

About Kanna after I gave her up and how I did

Warnings: about sensitive topics

Animal death mention (not Kanna’s)

Depression

Eating disorder

Don’t read if any the above makes you uncomfortable, the eating disorder and animal part is very short/ barely mentioned.

As followers who sorta kept up with the story/ or followed me awhile, she’s a white shepherd I got as a puppy whom developed dog/ leash reactivity issues. I lived in apartment complex where I thought I wasn’t managing her or giving her the best life possible. So I gave her up to a family member, though my family made it sound at first like I was giving her to the person she was living with. Apparently no, my family member was the future owner. The family member is my step sister - sticking to no name basis on is prob better because Internet.

I don’t remember the semester after heavily and detailed, which was the spring semester. It blends together a lot. And I’m skipping some parts to keep warning tags off/ less depressing. I didn’t cope well at all, as you can assume from previous comments I’ve made. I got severely depressed. She was my first puppy I raised and my best friend in many ways. I had to put away everything that reminded me of her for a long time

I don’t when but I slowly started losing interest in my hobbies, ones I’ve had for 4+ years. It’s not like my depression or anxiety was new or having spikes in it was either. But this was. My guess is because they reminded me of the time I spent with Kanna because the hobbies I did routinely. Sounds ridiculous. But at this point, I know there’s a lot about Kanna’s situation that family and friends don’t understand/ try to comprehend anymore. Everyone reacts differently to traumatic events/ stress and to me this was one. But I had Kanna watch anime episodes when I left for school so she wouldn’t be lonely and bother the neighbors, for example. Anime just isn’t the same it was to me before I gave her up.

I lost not just my dog, best friend, but my hobbies. As well sorta my roommates (now old ones) who became annoyed with me about the dog situation that I stopped bringing it up to this day. Not mentioning more of that part the story (for obvious reasons). I didn’t have much to look forward to anymore and found day to day kinda pointless. To the point somedays I barely got out of bed or ate. I coped and found someone who listens in my human best friend Julianna, and I can’t express how much her listening about Kanna helps despite her never meeting her means to me. Second thing that helped me, is finding a new music interest. Which is Pentagon. They gave me hope in with their energy, happiness, music, laughter, and much more. I’m glad to have found them and support them now.

Why did I not ask for her back you ask? I have a huge problem asking people for things and it’s double for friends and family.

Another major reason why I couldn’t bring myself to ask, is shortly after I gave Kanna to my family member her dog, Loki, passed away who was terminally ill. The idea to ask her to ask her for a dog I willingly gave up when she lost a dog who had no chance to live. Just felt like I would end being a complete ass to be honest if I did so.

But let me go back to mid summer/ beginning, I start seeing how Kanna is being managed poorly. She now paces anxiously which she never did and whines whenever her new owner is out of sight. Will bark heavily outside in the fenced area if left without anyone. Which is a new behavior again.

At somepoint Sophie, one my moms dogs, during the summer, got a good size gash on the back side. It needed stitches. We don’t know where it came from. Kanna was there that day and they did hear a yelp. I hoped for a long time it wasn’t her. My mom was guessing it was her. But we have sprinkler head out of the ground the dogs always run into and was going for that option.She never bit a dog. Much less why a dog she’s known so long. That spot took over 6 months for her to grow all the hair back in. We don’t know for sure until next semester.

She bites Ryder later in the winter, it’s not bad enough to need snitches but my mom knows it was her this time. It’s basically confirmed last time was her. I’m unbelievably upset, mad, and so many emotions over this. If it other people’s dogs Kanna could of been put down over this or reported/ than second strike put down over this. But she’s safe because it’s our family’s dogs. But my mom is worried after Ryder bite. But not enough to make her do anything. Well sorta suggested training and thats it, once she turned that down. It died down. And that’s because of family conflict.

My mom at somepoint revealed to my family member I wanted Kanna back, she did not tell me how that conversation went or anything. I’m assuming not much talk and not well, I read my moms lack of much on it and underlining message of her telling me this. That my step sister was not happy about it and had no intentions on giving her back to me. Apparently she has not visited my parents house much since my mom has told her this. Could be related but could not be (there’s a lot family wise going on).

There’s more to the story but tried to keep it short. Sorry if it’s disconnected or rambling, I took parts from the main one I wrote/ also wrote around 1-3am