#i had another one before this one i think i joined tumblr in like october 2013?

[niallandtommo]

happy 9th birthday to this blog 🥳

[problematicbyler]

an incomplete history of byler sexuality discourse

and how widespread fandom purity culture and homophobia created a flourishing nsfw sub-fandom

some may call me chronically online, but i call myself a fandom historian. i've been a member of some fandom or another since i was about thirteen, and i've always been interested in the rise and fall of fandom discourse. though it's annoying in the moment it's happening, i think it's very interesting and telling to look back at the overall arcs and trends.

so, let's talk about the many times the fandom has cancelled people over byler sexuality, and how each level of "hornygate" has contributed to the growth of the proship/byler smut community.

(i use the term proship in its intended definition, which is to say, not "problematic shipping," but rather being pro-fiction, anti-censorship, and anti-harassment; it is a position of believing the fiction one creates or consumes doesn't reflect a person's real life beliefs or morals.)

i have been a stranger things lover since season 1, a byler shipper since season 2, and an active part of the byler community on tumblr since season 4. i'll mostly be focusing on post-season 4 discourse because that's what i've really been most present for and that was the period that really marked a turning point in the fandom.

seasons 1-3

i wasn't as plugged into fandom discourse back in the day, but the broad strokes of early discourse was mostly thinly veiled homophobia. claiming that it was sexualization to assume will or mike could be queer despite blatant queer coding, implying that analysts were no better than will's bullies to assume his sexuality, etc etc. people were criticized for shipping byler at all because they were so young (but these people naturally had no issue with mileven, so, again, homophobia).

season 4 (may-july 2022)

now, season 4. this is where byler was brought to the attention of a lot more fans, and stranger things' viewership reached wider than ever. the byler fandom on tumblr booms from 4k to 100k over the course of season 4's release.

this brought a lot of new people who have never been in fandoms before, people who never learned don't like don't read or your kink is not my kink and that's okay or ship and let ship.

or, a lot of times, people who had only been in fandoms for celebrities and bands, which tend to have different rules when it comes to shipping and sex, because they're real people. hence a lot of young antis' conflation of character with their actors, but that's a different rant.

so with a rapidly growing fandom, a show ripe for analysis, and the art of media literacy bleeding out on the ground in front of us, the hellscape of the fandom post-season 4 in 2022 followed as such:

august 2022

jo/kendra gate where two extremely popular analysts were called out for "sexualizing" byler while being adults (early to mid 20s). they were dogpiled and harassed because one of them said that will was giving mike "bedroom eyes" (he was) and one of them said mike was checking will out (he was):

pyshiie and moogate. the proship side of byler twitter rose up and started to divide itself. i'll credit my own joining-the-dark-side to pyshiie and moo, formerly barbjeanisms, who were two popular artists called out respectively for sexualizing byler and generally being proship. similarly, people were called out and criticized for even following or interacting with those accounts after this discourse.

september 2022

hosegate is the most famous across the byler fandom, and it's when some users proposed that the scene in the pizzeria uses phallic imagery to imply mike turns will on (or vice versa) and a lot of people thought that was too sexualized, it caused a divide, and more fanpolicing, etc.

october 2022

the artist noodlesandtea was harassed for having liked arguably nsfw bakudeku art (they were shirtless, it wasn't explicit) on the same account where they draw characters who are minors. they also drew byler kissing, which was a problem for some? anyone who defended them was also called a pedo, naturally. noodles also got called out for having drawn fanart of the popular e-rated fanfiction....

the unmarked mixtape. a massively popular sequel to a massively popular fic, the red envelope. for a long time, those were the most widely recommended byler fics, but it very soon became taboo to even admit to reading them because the sequel has explicit sex and the first has them making out.

sonnet116 gate is another fic that was beloved and then rapidly turned on by byler twitter because it had implied, fade to black sex scenes. it was about them hooking up but had no smut. and even the non explicit idea of that was offensive and pedophilic of anyone who dared read it. around this time, another fic was called out for having will moaning into a kiss, because writing a teenager moaning was also offensive and pedophilic.

i'm told i (jana / troublebyler gate?) may have influenced a lot of people joining twitter for byler smut after writing illicit affairs and some other smutty oneshots in rapid succession, seeing a lot of byler shippers moving to the proship side of the fandom just to discuss and write byler smut. i also hosted a little fandom gossip column on my curiouscat where a lot of folks confessed to reading or writing smut while pretending to be "normal" in the "main" fandom. it basically revealed/implied that a large amount of popular authors, artists, and accounts were secretly pro byler smut, and that many proshippers were "undercover" in the "main" fandom.

the blocklist era. around this time the "main" fandom also created a "st twt safety" account on twitter which was basically targeted harassment and mass reporting of proshippers. the account does warn of some genuine bad actors sending gore images via dms, being racist, etc. but by far, the majority of it was simply calling out proshippers for sexualizing byler, sharing screenshots they thought were "gross," which only resulted in spreading nsfw content to unintended audiences of minors that likely never would have seen the nsfw accounts otherwise.

november 2022

practice kissing gate is where a handful of popular fic writers were criticized for writing practice kissing fics (such as undertow), and in fact, any amount of byler making out, because adults "fantasizing" about teenagers kissing was "gross."

the proship corner of st twitter continued to grow a lot thanks to so many lovely fan creators, all of whom i couldn't possibly list but who have done a lot for the community! but we continued to get bombarded with endless callout posts and block lists and witch hunting. people were unabashedly policing people's following lists and likes on twitter to call people out for engaging with any questionable users or content. (if you search byler twitter now you can still see the wreckage of so many witch hunts.)

onward through 2023

over time things have mostly calmed down, or at least enough of the folks on "opposing sides" of the fandom have mutually blocked each other to survive. this is likely also influenced by the hiatus leaving the fandom to quiet down, the collapse of twitter-turned-x having many users migrate their fandom content elsewhere, and the mass exodus of many people from the fandom for political reasons. if i had to guess, the ramp-up to season 5 will see all new conflict as more "casual" fans return to the fandom. but who's to say.

which brings us to now:

spicybylerpolls gate, wherein the byler tag on tumblr collectively had to reckon with the fact that people want byler to have sex and it doesn't make them creeps to vote in silly polls about it. people criticized the blog for being overly sexualized and pure fantasy versus more "acceptable" analysis, with many making sweeping moralizing statements about anyone who dared interact with the blog.

this has kicked off tumblr's own sort of horny revolution in encouraging folks to be more open on here, whereas previously we were confined to our corner of twitter.

so in summary:

people over and over again put fan creators on a pedestal just to turn on them when they're "betrayed" when a person's views did not one-to-one line up to theirs.

teens in the fandom especially were "betrayed" by adults in the fandom they thought were "safe" (and i would argue that self proclaimed "safe" adults in fandom are far more dangerous to real life minors than the proship fans who sexualize fictional characters but dont interact with real teens)

most everything has been fueled by widespread ageism at any fan over the age of 18, widespread homophobia and puritanism in regards to exploring queer sexuality or discussing sex at all

so much hate has been over what are essentially "thought crimes", with people watering down serious accusations like pedophilia into a petty insult over disagreements on fiction

and the cycle repeats itself endlessly until things devolve back into witch hunting and policing peoples following and likes etc

the best part to me is that every single cancellation just resulted in more people flooding to the horny side of the fandom to post more freely and without shame. every time a person on twitter posted screenshots of my account to say how "gross" it was (while simultaneously exposing my 18+ nsfw content to their audience of minors) i had a surge in followers. the more the fandom squeezes, the more people slip from its hold.

but that doesn't make the harassment campaigns okay, and it doesn't mean the fandom didn't do massive amounts of harm to real people in an attempt to protect fictional characters.

my hope going forward is that the fandom can coexist as a community where people don't have to like or agree with certain content to treat the people who create it with respect and dignity. and i hope that, while this side of the fandom might grow more on tumblr, we don't have to relive the same old discourses and go through the same cycles we went through on twitter.

and remember kids, the block button is both free and fun.

[notakugelblitz]

YOUR POWER • THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY

A/N : hi ! here is a series of a few preferences (well i think that’s what they’re called). I really hope you’ll like them even though they’re short sometimes ! i’m planning on posting character x reader stories too so stay tuned. first post here on Tumblr so let’s see how it goes ! oh and English isn’t my first language, i’m sorry if you spot some mistakes. enjoy :)

no trigger warning, all safe ;)

PART 1 : YOUR POWER

You were born on October 1st 1989. You are the eighth child adopted by Sir Reginald Hargreeves. Welcome to the Umbrella Academy, number 8.

LUTHER • TELEPATHY

You have the ability to establish a connection between your mind and another in order to carry on a silent conversation. There wasn't a day when you weren't in communication with Luther when he was on the moon. You missed him like crazy, and it was mutual.

DIEGO • SEE THE FUTURE

You can get a vision of the near future by touching an object or a person. There are many opportunities to annoy Diego and cut him off at every turn, knowing exactly what he is going to say. It drives him mad. But that´s something you relished as soon as he got over his stammer. Before that, you preferred to apply this mischief to your other brothers and sisters, much to the delight of Diego, who was always by your side.

ALLISON • WATER MANIPULATION

You have the ability to manipulate water to your heart's content, melt or liquefy it, create tsunamis, shoot jets from your palms and breathe in the depths. Diego teases you a lot and calls you "The Fish" all the time. It gets on your nerves a little, but Allison is always there to cast a rumour when Number 2 isn't already being sprayed with cold water.

KLAUS • ANIMAL METAMORPHOSIS

You have the ability to take on any animal form. When Dad locked Klaus in the mausoleum, you'd transform yourself into an insect and crawl into the grooves to join him. One day, you found yourself crushed under your father's foot. Seriously injured, Grace took care of you for a while. Dad then decided to take control of your powers : thanks to a little gadget, he could control your metamorphoses. And that was quite a burden for you but Klaus never stopped trying to find it and break it for you.

FIVE • HEALING

You have the ability to heal and to give of your energy. During your trainings back at the Academy, you only went into battle when someone was seriously injured. If your brothers and sisters needed you, Five would teleport to pick you up and bring you back. The first few times, these trips made you vomit, so Sir Reginald Hargreeves trained you for a long time until you were no longer ill. It pained Five, but he had to obey. Unfortunately, when he disappeared, you were forced to stay with Viktor and your father : close to the mission but inactive.

BEN • INVISIBILITY

You have the ability to disappear completely. When you were sad, you’d become invisible and cower at the bottom of Ben’s statue. Before he died, you used to play hide and seek with him. The rule was that there wasn’t any. Often, you’d stand right in front of him, invisible to his eyes, and he’d surprise you with his tentacles, tickling you until you’d surrender. Dad often punished you for this but you never ever regretted it.

VIKTOR • SELF-MULTIPLICATION

You have the ability to clone yourself ad infinitum, but it takes a lot of effort. Reginald Hargreeves always pushed you to the limit during missions, which finished you off far too quickly. Most of the time, you'd fall over from exhaustion before the criminals had even been arrested, resting as much as you could with Viktor who took care of you, away from the battle scene.

[allatariel]

WIP Wednesday!

@gordopickett tagged me earlier this week—thank you <3—and I planned to do it today and then of course forgot until the evening. I should have just done it and scheduled it to post today, but I had hoped to work more on Love at the Drafting Table and post that. Alas—I talk about a project and then life conspires to keep me from working on it!

Instead, below is an older, very rough snippet from another languishing, unfinished WIP, The Calculus of Grief, written at the end of April.

Tagging: @madamairlock, @littlelindentree, @caitylove, @shu-of-the-wind, @fireandsoup

More tags (split to work around broken tumblr tagging): @imsfire2, @cryscal, @air-mechanical, @youreorangeyoumoron, @wanderleave

And anyone else who might want to <3

Though the school year had barely just begun, it was actually still a month out from the second anniversary of Sergei’s first day teaching at Spiro T. Agnew High School. October 1, 1995 felt like a lifetime ago. To be honest, he tried to think about the time before as little as possible. But today was a different anniversary: September 4. Today it was harder than most days to ignore the gaping hole in the center of his life. Two years ago today he and his family had landed in Germany. After an hour of debriefing and setting the wheels in motion, of letting hope run wild and selecting a name to bear during their transition, he had called Margo from his hotel room. He had been overjoyed to see her, and when he hung up, his mother had joined him from the adjoining room where his father slept, with his sisters and their families resting safely down the hall. She had asked him about this woman who had saved him, who so clearly held the heart of her firstborn, her only son. So, Sergei had told her their story. For the first time in his life, he was free to tell his mother about the woman he had been in love with for well over ten years. Hours later, when the news reached them, she had pulled him sobbing into her arms as she had when he was small, before the births of his sisters. That was the only time he had given into the despair of losing her. He was trying to live, to stay safe as she had told him. To keep his family safe. And the only way he could manage to do that, to go on, was to leave it all behind. But then just last night he had seen on the news that the Sojourner 1 astronauts and Mars-94 cosmonauts had finally returned to Earth. After their nearly two year ordeal, the world joined in their joy and relief as the survivors were reunited with their loved ones. Sergei had watched Rolan Baranov, the cosmonaut turned astronaut—a defector like himself—be reunited with his American wife and son. His wife who had survived the bombing of JSC. Unlike Margo. Sergei honestly wasn’t sure how he’d made it into work at all. “Mr. Bezukhov?” Principal Alice Nikolsky—not Nikolskaya—called as she knocked on the door of the classroom. “We have a new student for your homeroom. She’s just transferred up from Huntsville, Alabama.” A young girl stepped into the doorway, her pale orange hair falling around wire rim glasses and shadowing her pale freckled face. She looked up, her blue eyes so like his mother’s, his own catching him already off guard as Alice introduced her, “Madison Morgan.”  Seryozha, if you do not let yourself mourn her, she will haunt you forever. His mother’s plea rose in his mind as he took in this child, bouncing nervously on balls of her feet. In another life they could have had a daughter who looked like this girl.

[redbullcateringfiction]

Chapter 8 -

Cantata

Arabella is the executive assistant for Mercedes Team Principal Toto Wolff. 10 years into her career, it looks like the tide is changing, and she's beginning to question her relationship with him. Is it something more, or nothing but an idea lingering in her head?

F/M, Fluff, Boss/Employee Relationship, Romance, Pining, Love, Slow Burn

Eight chapter below the cut or click here for AO3

Click here for the previous chapter on Tumblr, and click here for a list of all chapters

(Total: 34872 words thus far)

Where I wander: An opinion by the ‘bitch’

Thursday, March 12th, 2021 6:20 GMT

Author: Arabella Lazaar

Edited by: Jeffrey Martens and Shane Coughlan 

Editor’s note, March 12th, 2021: Arabella Lazaar is the former partner of Irish rock band Four Odd Bottles singer Cathal Lynch. Their 3 year relationship was not public knowledge until October 13th, 2019. 

If I were to recall every moment during our relationship, I would not question where I went wrong. 

Formula 1 is filled with huge personalities and names. There’s no doubt many fans could tell you how they imagine their favorite drivers’ to be, and I can assure you they would be 90% correct. Being in Formula 1 requires being surrounded by glass walls at all times. Your most intimate self is constantly on display. This was something I never enjoyed. Afterall, I suffer from agoraphobia. Seeing into the distance, and seeing the crowds of people is terrifying. I have forced myself to be in these situations. In God’s name, why?

I’ve always loved formula racing, but I never thought I could be an integral part of it. I never had the skills nor talent to be a driver or engineer. I, however, think I have quite the head on my shoulders. Micromanaging people and information became second nature to me. It’s a natural skill that one develops when their anxiety tells them to avoid everyone and everything. So, I saw an opportunity in Formula 1, and put my effort into joining a team. I set aside every fear I have to put my brilliance on the table instead. 

During that process, I learned that if I am constantly moving (as it is a job requirement), and hiding behind those big personalities, those glass walls become a comfort. I could be entirely isolated while surrounded by people, because no one cared about me, really. I could also be socializing with some of my favorite people. Above all else, I serve as an important cog in the well-oiled machine that is Mercedes-AMG. It was the dream I sought out. 

In 2016, I came upon Cathal Lynch, and our romance began to bud. Nothing new. Just another person to hide behind so I could continue to value my loneliness. This is the moment where I went wrong. Cathal had been correct from the beginning: There was no way to keep our relationship secret forever. We had two incredibly different opinions on this. I believed it could be managed for a long time. Until a wedding, at least. Cathal waited just days before asking if he could reveal me to the public. This became a constant item of discussion. In the meantime, every song Cathal released was a reflection of our relationship. The trips to Morocco to visit my extended family, our house in Brackley covered with his white cat’s hair, and of course, my career. Every time a song was written, and released, I would panic. It was all pieces of information that would lead people to me. The glass walls started to show their cracks. 

Then, in 2019, they finally crumbled. I was now a microcelebrity. Yes, I had spoken to a few Formula 1 magazines, but my Instagram had never been on television. This was an entirely new world for me. Cathal did not help me navigate this new world. The strain on our relationship was too large, and Cathal moved out of my home in Brackley just a week before the COVID-19 pandemic hit. This was 2 years ago now. With the collapse of the life I knew, I tried to embrace the disaster. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but when I looked around, all I saw was the shambles. 

Wherever I turned though, Cathal was there. 

And so I wonder, where can I wander? Cathal follows me everywhere. My job is micromanagement, and Cathal’s seems to be micromanaging me. Every song seems to center around some sort of belief I was using him. I will not apologize for something I did not do though. 1 break up album is understandable. 2 break up albums is uncomfortable. 2 albums and 5 singles is a deliberate assault on a person’s life. I don’t know how he walked away from this so hurt, and I would like to apologize. I would also like to never see him again. 

Perhaps, that is what makes me a bitch to him. I am a bitch (as it is a job requirement). I will accept that. I have developed a hardened exterior in no small part due to the previously described situations. I will not accept the assertion that I was nothing more than a woman seeking out fame. I easily could’ve found it in my own job. I chose not to. 

I cannot continue to maintain my isolation though, that much is clear. Cathal hasn’t left me alone for 2 years. An essay won’t stop gossip and an army of fans to spread it. This latest incident is proof by itself. Even had the song not been clearly targeted at me, enough speculation would have led people to believe it was. So, I believe I should address at least one other item:

I choose to own the label of bitch, but no woman should have to make that decision because a man decided to label her as one. In the interest of fairness however, I believe Cathal Lynch should accept the label of ‘misogynist.’ 

As written through correspondence with Arabella Lazaar and Jeffrey Martens. Arabella Lazaar is currently the personal assistant to Mercedes-AMG team principal Torger “Toto” Wolff. Jeffrey Martens is her legal counsel and acquaintance. 

Comments on this piece are unavailable.

~

“Black screens are going up,” I heard over the headset, and immediately took it off. Nothing was going to be happening for a moment.

“Fucking hell,” Toto sighed. “Gearbox issue, we’re not even on the road.” He looked over at me, and I saw a smile creep over his face.

“Let me show you what Bono sent me,” He smirked, raising his eyebrows. He handed over his phone and I saw a tweet.

PopCrave 

Cathal Lynch temporarily banned from Formula 1 races after releasing “Bitch,” and showing up to his ex-girlfriend’s job. Video below.

I looked at the video thumbnail. There he was in his stupid Red Bull shirt, but his hair looked different. He had clearly cut it, and his eyes looked tired. He no longer had the shaggy, boyish look he had when we broke up. Instead, he looked like a real celebrity. I clicked on the video and listened closely.

Cathal was leaving the paddock, and a bunch of media had already surrounded him. “Cathal, Cathal. Why are you leaving the paddock today?” One called out. He stopped and spoke into the camera, as I knew he couldn’t resist. 

“I was apparently ‘banned’ due to some violation. I don’t know what. My team is on it. It’s absurd. I bought my ticket. The song was planned to be released months ago. I apologize though to all the fans who might’ve expected to see me here,” He groaned out an obviously prepared reply. He knew why he had been banned. No way he couldn’t. 

“Cathal, did you see Ariana Lazaar’s response?” Another reporter called out.

“Huh?” He asked walking towards them.

“Did you see Ariana Lazaar’s response?” 

“Arabella? You mean Arabella? And no, what response? She hasn’t said anything,” Cathal answered.

“10 minutes ago on the Guardian,” The reporter explained.

“What? What’d she say?” Cathal asked.

“She called you a misogynist,” He responded. I could see the gears in Cathal’s head turn. “Mr. Lynch, do you have a response? Cathal, do you have a response?”

“That bitch.”

I could hear a collective ‘whoa’ come from the crowd of reporters as Cathal flipped his sunglasses down. The reporters chased him down as he climbed into his car and drove off. I looked up at Toto, and immediately laughed when I saw his huge smirk on his face. 

“Nice response, by the way. PR is absolutely in love,” Toto explained. 

“I…I appreciate that,” I smiled.

“I’m so very serious. I think he just ruined his own career, and you get to keep that pretty smile on your face,” Toto said, before suddenly looking around. “Where’s Netflix?”

“Not here,” I shrugged. 

“They’re not going to put this in, right? No point, right?” He asked. “It’d be weird.”

“If they do, they’re not interviewing me,” I nodded. 

“Where’s Susie? Do you know?” 

“Uh…not sure actually.”

“Let me text her. Keep your ears open on the headset, will you?” Toto asked, stepping away from the computers.

“Will do,” I nodded, putting the headset back on. It was a series of chaotic conversations between engineers as everyone desperately tried to understand the electrical failure occurring in one of the cars. Less time on the road is less time to practice, and suddenly everyone was moving, calling, chatting, arguing, and complaining. If I took the headset off though, I would find it to be entirely silent. Maybe a door would creak open every now and then followed by pounding footsteps, but otherwise, it could be eerie during a time like this. The only time you’d find this room silent otherwise would be the delayed breaths as we all sat waiting to hear a driver was okay after a crash. 

This was not silent out of fear though, it was silent because a good chunk of the engineers had run off to settle things on the car directly. The others were too busy staring at analytics on their computers. I recall one time when an assistant from Red Bull learned that I sit in the paddock and listen to things on the headset. I told him quite simply that when Toto isn’t here, I’m his boots on the ground for all things administrative. When Toto is here, I’m still his boots on the ground as he literally flies around taking care of everything else. He should have to worry the least about resource management and being sure he’s kept up on everything. I can handle the rest.

Suddenly, I felt a tiny tap on my leg, and looked over to my left and saw Jack.

“Oh, hey, Jack!” I smiled. I saw Susie was standing right behind me, as Toto ran off to handle something. “And Susie.”

“He saw you from across the room and went straight to practically begging to see you,” Susie grinned.

“Yeah? You missed me?” I asked, picking him up and putting him on my lap. “Here, let’s get you a headset. You might be able to hear your dad.”

I grabbed a pair that was too big and nearly falling off his ears. I held it with my hand as he grabbed on to either ear so he could hear.

“Y’know, Toto’s pissed about the car. I think he needed to see Jack to remind himself he can’t break any necks,” Susie nearly whispered. 

“An electrical failure this soon is not exactly a ringing endorsement for the season,” I complained. 

“Yeah and Red Bull is on our ass.”

“Gotta focus on our car first,” I shrugged.

“Hey, I was thinking. It’s been so long since we caught up. Did you want to grab a tea or something when you get a break from the action?” Susie offered. 

“Uh…yeah, yeah. Of course,” I smiled. In a bit of a sad way, one of my only female friends is my boss’s ex-wife. At least they’re best friends, and at least she is just lovely. To be clear, I would choose to have more female friends. It just happens that I work in a female dominated field in a boys’ club. All of my colleagues who I find myself trying to impress and work against, are women. All of my colleagues who I have to work with and build a strong relationship with happen to be men. Except, really, Susie. Maybe a few others here and there, but our relationships just don’t mesh. 

“Too busy?” She asked.

“No, no. I’ll make time. I’ll text you,” I explained. Jack gently pulled the headset off his ears. 

“Bored,” He shrugged.

“That was quick,” I smiled at him. “Well what do you want to do?” 

He shrugged again. 

“Do you wanna watch me mess with…my calendar?” I asked. He nodded, much to my surprise.

“Oh! Alright then,” I responded, and went to my calendar on the computer in front of me. Susie chuckled and sat in the chair next to us. I kept one ear on the headset, the other on Jack and Susie, my eyes on the calendar, one arm around Jack’s back with my cellphone in my hand as I shot off text messages, and the other hand on the computer mouse. This type of multitasking is something they try to train into you during your training. I had been lucky enough to become particularly well versed in it at a young age, helping my parents manage the hotel. Little things here and there. Grabbing the phone while they showed someone around, or playing concierge for the guests. Then, when I came back while getting my training, I actually got the title. The idea of a tiny hotel in Ameland having a concierge was cute enough to bring guests. I mean, the island doesn’t have much, so all I really did was help them manage a little bit of travel to and fro, and tell them where to catch the best views. People still appreciated it…I think.

~

“Isn’t it nice to have the family back together?” My father asked. 

“Yeah, pay no mind to the fact that Chadi has ran off to the nearest bar,” Nour laughed.

“Why is Chadi even here?” Farah asked. “He never shows up. Of course, Arabella offers a ticket to Formula 1 and he decides to show up.”

“I mean, at least he’s here,” I groaned.

“Thank you, Arabella,” My mother nodded.

“Besides, I give you guys tickets all the time. It’s not like this was the only time and Chadi used me or something.”

“Yeah, because Chadi would never do that,” Farah laughed.

“What are you talking about, Farah? Do you suddenly know him better than the rest of us?” Nour asked, leaning in. 

“No, but I know our parents better than the rest of you.”

“Oh, listen to the favorite babble on,” Chadi slurred, suddenly appearing at the table. He pulled out the chair directly next to Farah, and smirked.

“Sorry, I tried to tell him to go back to his hotel since he’s drunk but he wouldn’t have it,” Mehdi spoke from the doorway. As the newest addition to the family, why did anyone allow him to play bouncer? 

“Why are you still here?” Chadi asked. 

“Well, I am married to Nour. I know you missed the wedding, but what? Are you such a drunk you can’t remember that?”

“Shut the fuck up, with all due respect, Mehdi,” Nour groaned. “It’s not your job to keep anyone in or out of the family despite what Farah may have told you.”

“Everyone, shut up!” My father shouted. “Chadi, we love you. but you can’t show up drunk and argue with your sister.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did everyone miss what she said about me?”

“No we heard it,” I complained, rubbing my temple. 

“Then you should say to your favorite daughter to keep her mouth shut sometimes!” Chadi shouted at our parents.

“Favorites? We don’t play favorites,” Our mom spoke, softly. 

“Raise your hand if you went to boarding school,” Chadi smirked. Nour and I raised our hands with Chadi.

“The favorite child gets the stellar education of Burgemeester Waldaschool? Meanwhile, the only one of us who is rich went to Saint-Denis and played squash because she was anxious.”

“Only one of us? I’m sorry, are you in my pocketbook, Farah?” Nour asked. “Your husband is a brain surgeon, fuckhead.”

“Watch your mouth,” My father warned.

“Stop fucking critiquing us and get on this one,” Nour answered, pointing at Farah.

“Farah, be nice,” My mother sighed.

“Be nice? That’s it?” Nour asked. “C’mon, you’ve got something better than that in there/”

“Leave mom alone, Nour,” Farah argued. “She hasn’t done anything.”

“Actually, our parents have done everything,” Chadi slurred. “When you think about it.”

“What the fuck are you even talking about, you fucking drunk?” Farah interrogated.

“I think what Chadi is saying-” Nour began.

“I can speak for myself, fuckhead,” Chadi interrupted. “They chose you to be the favorite, me to be the prodigal son that has yet to return, and Nour to be the envious older brother. And Arabella to be the anxious one who sits there twisting her fucking hair and not saying shit.”

I slowly took my hands out of my hair. I mean, yeah, he was right.

“Why are you mad at Arabella? She is literally just sitting there,” Nour asked.

“Because she’s literally just sitting there. She’s not saying anything of value and just watching this thing go down,” Farah groaned. Farah turned to me, eyebrow raised, and hair falling out of her bun. Chadi turned to me, with his body clearly wanting to slump over. Then Nour, the most cleancut one at the table, turned to me with a slightly crazed look in his eyes, like he smelled blood and was ready to go after it. Then my parents. My mother and father both turned to me, instead of speaking up and trying to solve this problem. 

“Listen, everyone needs to shut up. I brought you all here. You didn’t have to come, any of you. You chose to. Farah, just accept the fact that you’re the favorite. Our parents can barely admit it because it’s true. I’m sure you went through shit too though, I guess. Chadi, you’re drunk. Go back to the hotel, and just fucking sleep it off. And Nour, stop just fueling drama because you want to see the family blow up. And mom, and dad. At least realize that Farah is your favorite. Maybe if you admitted it, all of us would calm down or something. And I will keep playing negotiator since that’s all you guys want from me. But everyone, otherwise, shut the fuck up. Actually, y’know what. I don’t care. I’m leaving,” I complained. I stood up and left the table. No one came after me. Why would they? They were probably too self-absorbed to have even heard what I said.

~

“We’ve had Bottas on the road for 5 or so laps right now. We don’t have a lot of time left in the morning session,” Someone called from the radio. 

“How many laps can we get in?” Toto asked.

“Maybe 10? 15 total?” A response rang out.

“We’ll take it. It’s day one, he needs to be on the road,” Toto groaned. Toto turned to me and rolled his eyes. “Well, at least he’ll have those. He’s going to absolutely have my ass later.”

“He’ll learn to live with it,” I shrugged. 

“It would be better for him to learn to live with Max and Charles.”

“Speaking of Charles,” I gestured towards the screens. “Car’s down.”

“Well…and there it goes. Red flag. Alright…6 laps from Bottas?” Toto shrugged. “Pfft. This is just uber good, yeah?”

“I’m going for lunch in a few,” I sighed, taking off the headset.

“You’re going to be in the garage for the afternoon session then?” Toto asked, tapping my shoulder so I could turn around to face him. 

“Nope, my weekend is in the motorhome.”

Toto raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, I’ll be back, but I’m talking shit with Bono when I get back,” I sighed. Bono looked up from his place to the left of Toto and raised an eyebrow.

“Who are we talking shit about?” He asked, putting down his papers. 

“Toto,” I whispered.

“Alright, you two,” Toto chuckled. “But before you go, Arabella. Give me something to distract myself for a moment. What do you want for your anniversary?”

“A pen would actually be nice,” I sighed, taking out my phone and scrolling. 

“Still on about a pen. Anything else?” Toto groaned.

“There are good pens, Toto,” Bono nodded. I suddenly realized I had way too many notifications for me to continue comfortably looking at my phone. Even if just to make myself look busy.

“A fountain pen?” Toto asked.

“Oh, I would never use a fountain pen,” I sighed.

Toto threw his hands up. “Then what good of a gift is it?”

“I mean, she writes a lot,” Bono shrugged.

“She writes a lot. No worries, Arabella. I’ll make sure you get a pen. It will be the best gift you’ve ever gotten," he winked. For a moment, for that moment, everything was about what he had just said. Of course, our relationship is professional. At best, friendly. However, it would be irresponsible for me not to admit though that a part of my cold exterior could be melted away by the simple gesture of someone wanting to do something nice for me. Was that just part of my seemingly growing crush on him? I don’t think it matters. What it really says though is how desperate I am for someone to care about me. 

“You see how her eyes just lit up? I think she really does want a pen,” Bono laughed. 

“Maybe,” I cringed at myself. I could just imagine my doe eyed look for a few seconds. Toto just smirked though, implying that at the least, he didn’t notice the ‘desperate’ part of my expression. 

~

“Yeah, uh…do you have a recommendation?” The security guard sighed, looking me up and down. 

“Yeah, uh…Lewis Hamilton?” I mocked.

“The attitude is not cute on you,” He responded, looking through the list. “Well, just because you’re on the list, doesn’t mean you get to come in.”

“Then what’s the point of your list?” I groaned. 

“Do you think you’re Grace Kelly?”

“Do you think you’re the secret service?”

“I am,” He sighed, quickly flashing his ID. Oh…

“Alright, Schatzi,” I heard from behind me, as an arm wrapped around my shoulders. “I thought you’d already be on this boat, huh?”

“Yeah, I did too, Toto,” I sighed, looking at him. First kiss, second kiss. Just a brief touch on each cheek. The security guard looked at me in the eyes, and then back at Toto, before stepping aside to let us in. Toto let go of me, slipping into the crowd, as I began to follow him. Right before I did though, the security guard grabbed my arm.

“Now I have to know…who are you?” He asked.

“His assistant,” I shrugged. The security guard watched as I slipped into the crowd, but not quite disappearing before I blew a raspberry at him. I’m childish…but who cares at this particular moment. I’m on a billionaire’s super yacht, at the request of the best F1 driver in the world and another billionaire, and within my sight right now is Prince Albert. I took my fingers through my hair. I straightened it for the first time in a very long time. I stepped further into the party. It's hard to feel comfortable when surrounded by people like this, but nevertheless, I couldn’t help but savor the moment a little bit.

My anxiety was creeping up though. I could feel it. I quickly moved towards one of the servers and grabbed a glass of champagne, and chugged it. I grabbed another before they even moved away. I refuse to not enjoy myself, no matter how much alcohol it takes. The good thing about being unrecognizable is that no one is really desperate to talk to me. So, I can float through the party like a ghost…wait…why did I come then?

“Hey, Arabella!” I heard from deep in the crowd in front of me. The British accent and ability to remain soft spoken while yelling was impossible not to recognize. I pushed through the crowd, following the hand waving to me.

“Oh, hey!” I smiled. Lewis gave me a nod, and smiled. 

“I swore to God, I saw your boyfriend floating around here,” Lewis said, looking around.

“Are you sure it wasn’t Lewis Capaldi?” I asked.

“Oh, you know…it might’ve been. They do look alike, don’t they?” He sighed. “Is Cathal here?”

“In Monaco? Yeah. Here at the party? Likely not. We try to split up our engagements. Avoiding speculation and all that.”

“Ah, yeah. Not fun dating celebrities, is it?”.

“I mean…it’s great,” I smiled.

“You don’t have to lie,” Lewis laughed. “But, I’m glad you could come. Sometimes these parties feel a little…weird. It’s like 20 year olds and 50 year olds. Nothing in between. Except us, I guess.”

“Yeah, it's definitely interesting. But this isn’t my first party in Monaco…maybe the most elite one I’ve been to though,” I cringed, looking around.

“Oh, one thing I did want to mention. I am having a less elitist party tomorrow. Less princes, more fun. Bring your swimsuit, bring Cathal, it’ll be great. Less intense at least. I’ll text you the details.”

“Cathal? I don’t know…I…”

“Don’t worry. We know discretion. Despite what it may seem like, there are ways to keep things quiet. Promise,” Lewis winked.

“Thanks,” I smiled. I took a deep breath and looked around the party from my position. “I’m…going to go mingle. I’ll catch up with you when I see you.”

“Got it. See you tomorrow,” Lewis smiled.

I stepped in the direction of the exit. I appreciated Lewis’s offer, and maybe I would go tomorrow. Today though, I just am not sure if this is the environment for me. I can’t say I find this to be particularly comfortable. I’m not famous, and I don’t want to be. I barely got let in the door. I shouldn’t be here. I just shouldn’t-

“Are you leaving already, Arabella?” I heard Toto behind me. 

“Oh…yeah,” I answered, turning around.

“Well, before you go, at least let me introduce you to some people. I was just telling everyone about my amazing assistant, and they were just saying how they have to put a face to the name.”

I walked directly to the right of Toto, and waved to the group of men he was talking to. 2 hours later, I was still on the boat. Sure, I didn’t belong with the celebrities, but maybe that’s not my niche in places like this. But I can definitely play assistant in places like this. And I kind of love it. Sharing stories of messy conversations and quadruple bookings, all while showcasing how damn good I am at managing it? It gets no better.

Tag list: @daddyslittlevillain, @littleheaven

[mitch4tune]

My Aroace Journey

Teacher during Sex Ed: You'll all feel sexual attraction at some point. Me, years later, still waiting and panicking: Where is it? *manic chuckle* Wh... Where the hell is it...??

I've only really celebrated Valentine's Day once (aside from exchanging cards with my class in elementary school), so I'll contribute to the aromantic awareness that's been trending on Tumblr by sharing my experience of how I found out I'm aroace.

I first heard of the term "asexual" in an LGBTQ context in September or October of 2020 because of Alastor's sexuality being officially confirmed. "Very interesting! Can't be me," I thought.

I got into researching and asking reddit anyway. I think I determined that I'm ace later that year in October.

In April of 2021, the thought of me possibly being aromantic as well struck me. I hated that thought, telling myself, "I've already had one thing taken away; why do I have to lack something else?!"

(I want to clarify that lacking sexual and romantic attraction doesn't make someone any less of a person.)

Once I accepted that I'd probably never fall in love, I ironically got into a romantic relationship in July and determined that I'm demiromantic. During that relationship, I experienced waking up looking forward to messaging them each day, seeing the world in more saturated colours, and even properly enjoyed my first Valentine's Day date. I'm forever grateful for all of that.

The relationship lasted a little more than a year before I fell out of love (that doesn't mean I don't still love them; I'm just not in love anymore). A year after the breakup, a friend suggested that I could be cupioromantic. I joined the subreddit and described my situation, to which someone recommended I check out r/lithromantic.

I spent a long time feeling like I'd gotten robbed of something again ("Why can I even fall in love if that's going to be taken away after it's returned?"), but I eventually accepted my orientation despite still getting sad about it every now and then.

I speculated on another part of my identity from January to February of 2024. I'm not comfortable saying what it is yet, but I will say that a big part of that ordeal was spent worrying about how my identity would affect other people, which is ridiculous; your identity is part of you; not anyone else.

I only told two people because I felt disgusting for the thought even having crossed my mind randomly. I don't know why, since I'll always speak in favor of people who identify that way. But I still felt that way, no matter how much I reassured myself. No matter how much those two friends reassured me.

I came to the conclusion that it doesn't apply to me (though I'm not putting it completely off the table).

That brings us to now. I'm exhausted. (^ ^ ;) I'll end this off with some memes I saved up while I was still in the closet. Happy Valentine's Day!

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

I read October recently (and loved it, I enjoy that is basically a cosmic horror romance where Tom and Azrael have to end together since they are immortal, even when Tom and Lily's romance is so much sweeter for me to the point that I now completely joined you in shipping them), and I wondered where did you come up with the idea for Ubik, as well as it being placed in Mars? Did you consider it being somewhere else instead while writing the fic?

I hope I'm not just asking something you have answered before, but I don't remember reading meta about it. I may be wrong, of course.

October

Thank you, anon! Glad you like it. And no, I don't think I've answered any of this before, at least not on tumblr I don't think.

What's the Deal with Ubik/Why is it on Mars?

The Mars answer is easy. It's because there's a long history of speculating if there is or isn't life on Mars, and up until fairly recently (e.g. the last century) there was real speculation of if there was or had been a civilization on Mars.

There were things in telescopes that looked like canals/waterways, Mars is in the habitable zone and in theory with a better atmosphere could have water/life, and it's also just one of those neat things people would like to be true (as we live in the depressing world of the Fermi Paradox where life probably is out there in the wide universe, but we're all so damn far apart, short lived, and creating the technology to receive and send those kinds of signals is even shorter lived, that we will very likely never contact one another).

So, in the mid 20th century, before the space race has begun, before anyone's putting satellites in space, it's one of those things where "oh, ancient technologically advanced civilization on Mars that sort of died out except for one alien dude" is... unbelievable and exciting but not completely unbelievable.

I also love Ray Bradbury so it's got to be Mars.

I feel like I considered the moon very briefly but it was really always going to be Mars.

Europa, Jupiter's moon, also gets a shout out for similar reasons that Mars does but I wanted something a bit closer to Earth that people had already been thinking about for a long time.

The name "Ubik" comes from one of my favorite Philip K. Dick books "Ubik" which doesn't really have much to do with Azrael but is... thematically similar to what Tom goes through throughout the story.

As for the look--I wanted something very alien with shock appeal that doesn't look like what people would expect Mars to necessarily look like. And so we get a bunch of mystical glowing shit.

[canarydarity]

2023 Writing Round-Up

Rules: Share what you wrote this year! It can be works you posted to Ao3, Wattpad, Tumblr, or anywhere else! You can share everything you wrote or just the ones you’re most excited about.

I was tagged by @bidoofenergy :D thank you for the tag !!! <3

January

bright&fast [Jimmy & Tango | 1,019 words ]

ficlet based on this tumblr post

okay, FINE, i'll explore the ancient city with you—but ONLY if we hold hands the entire time we're down there!!! [Jimmy/Tango | 1,643 words]

That trip to the ancient city retrieving the diamond pants for Bigb

The Night Sky is Full of Love [Scar/Grian | 2,498 words]

Uhhhhhhhhhhh 3L finale from scars pov

Lonely Is the Long Con [Scar/Grian | 4,463 words]

'The trick to selling a good con was believing in it yourself—no one was going to fall for something they didn’t believe that you believed to be true. Scar knew this and he knew it well, but still, he was always his own toughest audience.' or, the product of my month-long last life scar breakdown :)

February

Strawberry Wine (and all the time we used to have) [Jimmy/Tango | 2,332 words]

𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘵 𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘦𝘳 or whatever it was the song said idk or, the product of my year-long strawberry wine breakdown :)

"I'm trusting you, please don't make me regret it" Dialogue prompt ask [Scar/Grian | 2,360 words]

uhhhhhhhhhhhh DL finale from scars pov

March

We Shall Prevail [Scar/Grian | 2,773 words]

Those few moments in the pond during the 3L finale from Scars pov

At Another Place in Time [Jimmy/Tango | 1,632 words]

limited life session 1 vignette Tangos pov

At Another Place in Time II [Jimmy/Tango | 1,884 words]

limited life session 2 vignette Tangos pov

April

Stay, Find, Become, Join, Soon [Pixlriffs | 2,343 words]

ES2 Pix clearing the capitals catacombs, finding the crown

May

Withering Away [Pixlriffs | 1,638 words]

ES2 ghost Pix, stuck reenacting his death

June

Sentinel Species, Chapter 1 [Jimmy Solidarity | 9,586 words]

An au with a slightly different take on the canary curse, leaning harder towards harbinger of death

July

Sentinel Species, Chapter 2 [Jimmy Solidarity | 7,000 words]

The Rest of His Life [Jimmy/Tango | 1,569 words]

mooooooooore rancher grief rehearsal <3 Jimmy mourning Tango before he's even gone

August

I was sick with covid for the entire month and had absolutely no brain function available for writing </33

September

🙌 gay baseball au 🙌 (which I...really have to start calling by its actual name: Against All Odds)

Which...I know is not finished and posted yet. But I am really proud of my progress and it's taken up a lot of my writing time so I'm including it here anyway!! plot summary snippets

October

see above^^^

November

Thus With A Kiss [Jimmy/Tango | 2,706 words]

Team Rancher Romeo and Juliet au, the balcony scene. a cliche maybe but godbless

December

personal projects mostly!

:D and that was my year!! I am really glad I was tagged in this because it was nice looking back and seeing how much I wrote! I don't think I've ever written and shared so much consistently throughout any year of my life, so it was a pleasant surprise to see what I was able to accomplish here :'))

I am (no pressure, /nf) tagging: @birrdies @liloinkoink @seasonal-writes @hitheeprithee @cillpiines if any of them would like to participate :))

[certainempatheticturkeymuffin]

Feeling kinda nostaligic looking through some of my art.

I drew this in 2021 and I was so proud of it. It was a companion piece for a fic that never manifested, and I loved it so much. It was my first real foray into digital art. Sure, I'd definitely drawn before, but nothing with this amount of effort put into it. It wasn't even the first thing I drew for the LU Discord: the place that got me back into art.

Looking at the results, I think it still holds up, and that makes me beyond happy. I would certainly change a lot about it if I drew it again today, but I love it all the same, because it's something I could see on tumblr and go "oh that's cute, I'll reblog" and I'm near tears.

I think it embodies what my favorite pieces are to draw: sad/angsty pieces of my favorite characters with dramatic lighting. I don't draw many of them, because they require so much effort, but they're my favorite.

I drew these two pieces in October and December of last year. I learned how to utilize glow layers, my anatomy improved, and I shifted to a lineless art style that is so much work but gives beautiful results. You can even see that between the two pieces I decided to properly learn how to draw wings.

I've improved so much in only three years and I genuinely owe it to the LU Discord. Even if I'm not as active there anymore, y'all got me back into art. I have over a hundred pieces of terribly drawn (by my current standards) fan pieces for your weekly prompts that gave me the practice I needed to improve, and I wouldn't have even bothered if I didn't want to participate in that community.

Specifically, I want to thank @ahrva, one of my best friends. She who collabed with me and encouraged me into so many writing projects and community events. Thank you, dearly. I wouldn't have had the courage to join the secret santas or art exchanges if you hadn't been right there, super excited to participate. You always compliment my art, and it means a lot when you go "OOOOOO" in response to one of my pieces /gen

I'd also like to thank @wolfy1298 whose art was a huge inspiration, even if we've never really spoken. Whenever I saw your work I was so impressed that I couldn't help trying to emulate you a little. Your colors are something I still envy to this day, your masterful highlights and lineart an inspiration to work harder and improve. Your curvy shapes are also very cute and may have infected me lmao

@author-main your diverse body types encouraged me to properly learn anatomy. I'm taking medical classes, but it's another thing entirely to try drawing the human body properly. I'm still unfortunately lacking when it comes to larger bodies, but your beautiful work encourages me to try improving, even if it's only in sketchbooks that no one will ever see. Your lines are full of personality, and I never tire of seeing your work.

@w1lmutt your compositions and poses are awe-inspiring. I struggle a lot with composing a shot, especially with foreshortening, so your work is extremely impressive. You manage to insert so much personality through body language alone, and it's definitely something I'll be striving to improve. That's not even mentioning your backgrounds! I'm generally in awe of every piece you make. I think I'd die if I had to draw a proper landscape/cityscape lol. I can barely manage a bedroom! Just another thing to work towards improving lol

There are tons more artists i want to shout out and compliment, but it's nearly 7am and I haven't gone to sleep yet lol.

Thank all of you. Even if I only pop in once every few months for the events nowadays, I'll always cherish my time in this community. I'm going to keep improving, and I'm glad to be doing so alongside such skilled artists!

[marcspectrr]

I posted 1,030 times in 2022

That's 6 more posts than 2021!

125 posts created (12%)

905 posts reblogged (88%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@mrs-steve-harrington

@marcspectrr

@moonlayl

@msaudreyanne

@themandaloriandaily

I tagged 761 of my posts in 2022

Only 26% of my posts had no tags

#moon knight - 313 posts

#marc spector - 183 posts

#steven grant - 146 posts

#layla el faouly - 107 posts

#moonlayl - 67 posts

#moon knight fan art - 64 posts

#star wars - 49 posts

#obx - 39 posts

#jake lockley - 38 posts

#the mandalorian - 37 posts

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Reasons why the way in which Marc and Layla's relationship was physically depicted is so special.

380 notes - Posted June 29, 2022

#4

Something that's interesting about the way Steven keeps his space in comparison to Marc's...

571 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

#3

It's this one word that's got me reeling a little bit this time. Someone come join me in this rabbit hole.

We've heard Marc's voice when he's angry, right? And seen his face, when he's frustrated and upset?

You should really quickly rewatch this scene right here, specifically 30:32-30:45, right before we hear Layla's hesitant"Marc?" , then we get her looking at him, reading him, at this point having just seen another suit.

Because none of those things are in his voice or on his face here.

Marc's eyes finally find her, watching him so carefully, and it's not anger that causes his voice to come out so quietly, it's not frustration that causes it to shake. His breathless "Yeah" sounds like both a reassurance and a question, directed at her and himself, and it's filled with unease, his "I blacked out" holding so much fear.

I just feel like this being the most explicit acknowledgment of Jake we get and pairing it with Marc not holding back actual fear (a very rare thing, no?) is so...perfect. Showing how Jake just...emotionally disarms Marc before even really meeting him. Both of them being so scared to meet, Marc realizing what exactly Jake has been doing for him, Jake realizing that Marc doesn't actually hate him for always pulling them back from the edge ahdjfkfkfk

658 notes - Posted October 2, 2022

#2

It's funny because Steven will stand there, physically trying to take up the least amount of room possible, making himself seem small with his postures and his gestures but he won't hesitate to spill his heart out about the most mundane sentiments, being unapologetically himself no matter how much space that means he takes up. Then you have Marc, who will keep his chin up only so people can't see how much he truly wants to drop it and hide instead, who will stand tall even though all he wants to do is disappear, knowing that being himself means being deemed as an ungrateful waste of space.

793 notes - Posted November 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

sometimes I think about the instances where Marc genuinely smiles

1,415 notes - Posted September 2, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[theworldofananxiousteen]

The explanation I owe myself

It's okay to not succeed, and it's okay to not deliver the way you want to. The important part is living, meaning breathing, eating, sleeping. The rest will come when the time is right. (I hope.)

Alright, alright, my friends, gather around and let me tell you a story. It all started when I was a young, young girl (ca 2 months ago) when I decided to become the productive lady I'd always wanted to be by joining a challenge on the app I discovered that very same day (spoiler alert; it was this app and the #100daysofproductivitychallenge).

It worked for a few days, hell, I did more in those few days than I had for the past month and a half (estimates, but very likely). You see, before then, I had been in a flunk. Productive wise, school wise, life wise. Then, suddenly, this thing came before me like a saviour out of thin air, and I thought my crisis was solved - because, obviously, I would be able to stick to this challenge, in complete contrast to every other similar thing I've tried to put my mind to. For a few days, it did. Specifically, five days (I believe, I don't want to check). Then came the first break, I missed a few days - listed things I'd done as productive tasks even though I, in many cases, didn't believe they were. You see, I am a procrastinator. I think of things I need to do, they make me anxious, I do other things or nothing at all in response - an evil cycle I can't get out of. After those few days, I fell straight back into the loop, and I've done barely anything since.

Now, it's almost the end of my Christmas break, and I feel like I'm stuck, quickly suffocating in the piles of school work I need to do before I get back to school. Here's my current list:

Finish my second version of my extended essay first draft

Finish my first AND final draft of my TOK essay

Finish my final draft of my TOK report

Finish reading Juloratoriet for Swedish class

Finish my economics IA3 final draft

Finish my biology IA first draft (this was, literally, due october.)

Finish my Swedish HL essay second draft

Finish my mathematics IA final draft

Finish my CAS updates

Finish my history IA first draft

Prepare my Swedish oral

Learn the entire math course because it's finished and I know nothing - I've failed all but one math test the past two years :)

All this needs to be done on six days and I won't be starting tomorrow, I can feel it. I feel like I'm out of order. I'm not working. My brain. My body. My life. It's all out of order, and nothing is like I want it to be. I know what's needed to succeed, -studying-, but I can't bring myself to do it. Do you have any tips?

Anyway, I was thinking I may give the productivity challenge another try, continuing from where I left off, to see if it may help to give me something to work towards. So, here goes nothing.

Day 15/100

Today I did nothing of actual value, but I did get some things done;

Played basketball with some friends for a few hours that I can use for CAS (this is to be read as an achievement, because I left my house almost out of free will)

Finished reading It's kind of a funny story by Ned Vizzini (I rate it like a 4.5 out of 5 stars but it ended up being 5 out of 5 on goodreads since they don't do half's)

Started reading Dear Nobody by Billie Doherty - so far, no thoughts whatsoever about it

Watched a few episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race (speaking of which, my stepmum gifted my mum and I with tickets to RuPaul's drag race the world tour the upcoming October (!) and I'm very excited about it)

Alright, by for now. Hopefully, I'll be back tomorrow. Possibly, I'll be back in a month or two (maybe more).

PS. can you tell I'm currently using my tumblr as a thought dumpster simply because I know no one on here in real life? I'm telling you - it's the trick to success.

PSS. Here's a song (that I've forgotten completely) by a band I used to like (probably still do but I did forget of their existence), simply because it's called the new year, and new years eve was a few days ago. Happy holidays.

[user-name-password]

I posted 18 times in 2022

3 posts created (17%)

15 posts reblogged (83%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@fiveshortgrayblesofmylife

@kitkat-the-muffin

@a-h-li

@vaultlink

@cureaesthetic

I tagged 3 of my posts in 2022

#archive of user-name-password - 3 posts

#first post - 1 post

#second post - 1 post

#third post - 1 post

Longest Tag: 29 characters

#archive of user-name-password

My Top Posts in 2022:

#3

A little over a month ago, I watched a video which detailed a what if scenario about Sora declining Naminé’s offer to restore his original memories at the end of CoM, and it got me thinking.

How would the series play out if Sora never got his memories messed with in the first place.

Which my thought process interpreted as ‘What if Naminé wasn’t in CoM, What if Naminé was never created, What if Sora never became a Heartless’ you get the picture.

Here’s the thing though, I’m an insecure writer who’s only ever made one other story public before, (not on Ao3, but still,) and I abandoned it halfway through simply because I grew to disgusted with what I’d already released.

(I’m not at perfectionist levels of expectations for my writing, but it’s damn close.)

So I’ve been content to just leave what ever ideas I get in my head to rot away, but this idea about Sora not becoming a Heartless wouldn’t rot, it just stayed in my head for days on end, refusing to fade away, and eventually I decided enough was enough, opened Ao3, and in the span of three days, I wrote chapter 1 and released it.

But there comes the problem, I hadn’t thought this story through yet, I had no outline, I just had an idea, and post it, than I got another idea, and posted it as chapter 2.

Than around three weeks ago, my Mother and I got diagnosed with Covid 19, and I was bedridden for over a week, unable to think of even one coherent sentence.

When I’d finally recovered enough to read and write again, my disgust for previously released work set in, and I decided to procrastinate by finally (finally) writing out a simplified outline for this story.

And I was happy with it.

The day after writing it, i was still happy with it, even now, almost two week later, I’m still happy with it.

It wasn’t perfect, not even close, but at least it didn’t automatically make me feel like the worst writer imaginable.

Except.

There was one major problem with it, one that I couldn’t ignore, or continue from.

The ending of chapter 2.

No matter how much I tried to continue, no matter how many times I rewrote the beginning of chapter 3, I couldn’t stand it, i couldn’t make it work.

But I didn’t want to just abandon this story just because of that one single issue, especially since I still had so many ideas for this fanfic.

And as I tried to think of a solution, the answer became obvious.

Since I was so unhappy with the ending of chapter 2, I decided the best cause of action was to remove it and replace it entirely.

I’ve already made another post talking about the original ending of Chapter 2, what I was going for when I wrote it, and why I decided it was better to cut it, so won’t go over it here.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

0 notes - Posted October 31, 2022

#2

In this post I’ll show what was changed in chapter 2 of Another Way, Lamenting Leaders. (Originally named Restless Respite, but after the rewrite I decided that worked best as the chapter 3 title.)

0 notes - Posted October 31, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

This is my first post, it’s not a lot, but it’s mine.

Although I’m pretty sure someone else has already done something like this, probably before I even joined the site, but I don’t care that it’s not original, it’s a good first post.

And it’s mine.

0 notes - Posted October 31, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[cajunfoxnight]

Where to go from here?

OH HEY ITS BEEN A REAL HOT MINUTE SINCE I TALKED ON HERE. And oh boy do I have... thoughts. :T Mostly regarding my blog, Ask October Fox. There is a lot to read here..

Wow ok so.. this is a post that I have been putting off pretty much all year long. It was one of those “I will cross that bridge when I get there” and oh boy, wouldnt you know it.. there’s the bridge. I had wanted to make this sooner but for some reason my brain just wouldnt let me. Im posting this here first since I think about 90% of people who follow October, follow me here too, so this seems like where I might reach the most people but I will also reblog this on her blog as well. I have just been trying to gather my thoughts, but it feels like every time I do, I just end up with a scattered mess trying to explain myself. Id like to keep this short but.. well thats not going to happen, i’ll try tho So... to be upfront with a somewhat TLDR, I dont know how much more I will be running my ask blog. This doesnt mean October herself is going anywhere, she’ll still be around, I just dont know if it will be here. Its a bit of a complicated matter, and one that I have been struggling with since the beginning of the year. My main problem is that I dont know if I can physically keep doing it. I know I had mentioned last year about the amount of pain I was in with my old tablet and how hard it was getting to draw. But on the plus side, since getting a monitor tablet, a new desk and set up, those problems have gotten significantly better. Every so often they might flare up, but with regular breaks, slightly more structured schedule, and daily exercising, its few and far between. So on that front im good! I still dont want to risk getting hurt again, which is why im just unsure if I can put that kind of strain on myself again.. and it doesnt help that I feel like im drawing slower than I used to, tho that could just be me. Secondly, is.. is there anyone here anymore? I used to check Tumblr every day, multiple times a day, and then I just... left for like 3 months bc it felt like hardly anyone was here anymore (another reason why I didnt make this post sooner. I have avoidance issues.). I feel like I might have joined Tumblr around its peak, just before The Ban™️ came down and most people- rightfully- left. October’s story is finally starting to come to light and while it was something I have been planning for a while now, the big story isnt something that I want to do to an empty audience, if that makes any sense. And thats on me, really. I waited too long. Thirdly, there were/are certain things that needed to happen before I could tell that story- and sadly I feel as tho I am missing a big key factor that is needed to link the story to the next part. But without that key factor...I feel like Id to have to retcon the entire story. Not that that in itself is a terrible thing, the story has been ever changing for a while now, but this had been one of the main things I had planned for a long time now. Not to mention I still want to tell stories of some of the other characters. There are a few more personal reasons, but these are just the main ones. Im just.. not sure what to do anymore. I would still like October to continue to interact with people, that is something that I have greatly enjoyed in the past couple of years with the quick replies, and thats what she was meant to be all about for the most part. Im planning on having October doing stuff outside of this blog this year- lots of ideas planned, like streaming art and maybe some games- but as far as the nightly comics.. eehh... So I guess my question is this.. would people rather I just tell them the rest of the story, or would people rather I still try and draw it out, tho more like a graphic novel style and not in a full comic form? Tho again going back to the the third section, I still have to figure out how that would play out anyway. I hate to say how much this has been stressing me out, and how much I am upset with myself over how things have played out. Many things I probably should have done differently but now im just going to have to roll with it. As mentioned the story, October, and the characters arent going anywhere. There are still stories and characters to be talked about, I just dont know how or where that will be.  There is a lot more than I could go on about but for now I think its best to end this rambling here. Once I get some input or answers then I will move onto the next step. I apologize for the massive wall of text here, and for anyone who read all of it, I cant thank you enough for that. For now I will continue to work on the planned projects, as I still have a little time to finish those things up, but wow.. September is sure moving a lot faster than I would like :T

[skambigbang]

Meet A Mod: Beulaugh

Tumblr -> @if-music-be-the-food-of-love

Ao3 -> Beulaugh

Instagram -> Beulaugh23

What is your Skamverse story?

I found the Skamverse exactly when I needed it. On one of my many YouTube rabbit holes in October of 2019, I came across two boys goofing off in a grocery store. Immediately intrigued, I learned of Skam and simultaneously started watching wtFOCK season 3 live while catching up on Skam and Skam France, followed by Skam Italia and Druck. Within a few months I'd watched nearly every version multiple times and absolutely adored Sobbe. When the pandemic hit, wtFOCKDOWN gave me something to look forward to every day, and I will forever be grateful for that experience. From there, it was an easy jump into reading and then writing fics, joining the fandom on tumblr, making new friends, and finally participating in last year's bang. I'd never written fic before nor been active in fandom, but I loved the Skamverse so much that I felt compelled to join and participate. I needed to share that love with others. I needed to talk about it. More than anything though, writing Sobbe fic gave me an outlet and a safe place when I thought my world was crumbling around me. Robbe and Sander will forever hold a special place in my heart because they were there for me when I needed them.

Why are you excited to participate in the Skam Big Bang?

Community. There is something so special about being able to talk with others who love the thing you love as much as you do. I had a wonderful experience in last year's Bang, and I particularly appreciated the community we built on Discord. I'm excited about meeting new people, getting to know other people's Skamverse stories, and reading their fics and looking at their art. I'm excited to share our writing woes and act as cheerleaders for one another. I enjoyed writing and posting my fic last year, but what I loved most was having people to talk to about the Skamverse. That experience was everything, and I want to carry it into this year's Bang.

What would you say to someone who is feeling nervous about joining?

The Skam Big Bang community is very supportive and welcoming. I was new to the Bang last year and didn't know anyone. I found the Discord server intimidating at first, but it ended up being the most enjoyable aspect of the Bang for me. Everyone--mods, writers, and artists--was willing to jump in with an idea, a suggestion, some research, a gif to make you laugh, or a virtual hug. We are a diverse, worldwide community with a broad range of experiences. Wherever you feel like you might struggle, I guarantee someone will be there to support you along the way. Someone has been where you are.

If it's the deadlines and word counts that concern you, think about the timeline. There are 5 months between sign-ups closing and initial posting. Seven sentences a day or 500 words a week would put you over 10k. When you break it down like that, it feels like a much smaller task. Lastly, it's all about having fun, celebrating our love of the Skamverse, and creating new fanworks to share with others. Take a chance, and give yourself the opportunity to make friends and share your passion with others.

[buckyownsmylife]

I've Told You Now - Lee Bodecker smut

The one where Lee seduced his sister's babysitter.

Warnings: smut, dubcon, age gap, innocence kink, dirty talk, loss of virginity, blood

Word count: 1.7k

A/N: This one is a part of my kinktober celebrations. My original intention for this October was to work exclusively around prompts that my wonderful friend @darkficsyouneveraskedfor created for her challenge and dedicate each story to a different friend. My new plan became then 31 days of different kinks, which expanded on a poly relationship with Stucky, as you might know by now. However, some of the stories I started were already truly loved by me, and so I kept on writing them. It worked well because as it turns out, I am fortunate enough to have more than 31 friends on Tumblr, so here is the story I wrote for @slothspaghettiwrites! You were the biggest reason I fell for Lee and it was only appropriate I wrote you this! I only hope it doesn't disappoint! Special thanks to @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog who helped me believe this was good enough to be posted! @sweeterthanthis also has a big hand at this!

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I was finishing packing up the toys in the living room when I heard the door slam, startling me into dropping the box of legos on the ground. Looking at the clock, I considered the time before looking back at the hall again. When no one appears from the hallway, I get confused. If the Hendersons hadn’t come home earlier than they intended, who else could it be?

“Waiting for me, bunny?” I immediately straightened out at the sight of Sheriff Bodecker, trying to resist the urge not to flush and keep eye contact, but ultimately failing to do so. I hadn’t seen him since the night he offered to give me a ride home and I ended up with his cock in my throat, his cum in my mouth.

“I-I didn’t even know you were coming.” Silence followed my confession as he slowly approached, eyes never leaving my body while I tried to keep myself up. He’d always had this effect on me. I remembered being a young girl and Sheriff Bodecker being the crush I knew was too old to be mine, the guy I’d never have even in a million years, but that didn’t stop me from daydreaming about him.

If I thought that maybe having him would help this infatuation disappear, it’d become clear by now that it wouldn’t be the case at all.

“And here I was, thinking you wanted me just as much as I wanted you.” The Sheriff tsked, and the sound went straight to my already dampened underwear. I couldn’t process his words very well, given how close he was and how loud my own heartbeat was ringing in my ears. Did he mean to say that he actually really wanted me?

“If that was really the case,” he taunted, circling me like I was some sort of prey. “You’d always be expecting me, wouldn’t you? But it’s alright, honey. You know why?” When I shook my head, he answered his own question, a single finger running down my jaw to guide me to look him in the eye. “Because I think you were expecting me. You’re always expecting me, looking for me wherever you go, just like I do. And there’s an easy way to prove my theory.”

Before I could question it, his arms embraced me from behind, hands slowly running down my stomach until they reached the edge of my skirt. I started sweating in anticipation. I knew what he would find.

“Let me check.” His fingers went over the fabric first, and he chuckled when he noticed how wet it was. “Would you look at that?” I was already trembling when he pulled my panties to the side and ran that same digit over my lower lips, just lightly grazing them. “Soaked already.”

Although I couldn’t see it, the humming sound he emitted after taking his fingers from under my dress didn’t leave me any doubt about what he did with the moisture he collected. Just the thought of him enjoying my taste that much had me weak in the knees, and I tried to keep myself up by reaching for a chair nearby.

Lee’s P.O.V.

I chuckled to myself at how sensitive she was, barely able to keep up with the little I’d done so far. Then again, it was clear I had a particularly strong effect on her. That had been obvious for a while, ever since she started working for my sister, probably - around the same age her womanly features began to stand out.

She seemed unable to look me directly in the eyes, always averting her gaze and biting her lower lip when I decided to stop around here for a coffee or check in on the little rugrat. I began doing this a lot more often after she was hired, but neither her nor my sister seemed to connect the dots.

Her innocence, her beauty just left me so fucking hard. I was hard right then, and I wanted her to know it. So I pressed my body against her back, lightly grinding my member against the curve of her ass.

“I suppose you’re finished for the day,” I speculated, knowing once the kid was out all she had to do was wait for my sister and her husband to arrive. “Guess I can help you unwind…”

She gasped when she felt my hardness, making me chuckle. “Your sister and her husband should be back soon…” She tried to reason, but I wasn’t having any of it.

“We’ll be quiet anyway. Can’t risk waking up the kid.” I gripped her wrist and pulled her on the direction of the guest bedroom, now fully unable to control myself. I was so close to having what I had wanted for so long.

She looked unsure of herself as I closed the door behind us, and I raised an eyebrow in a questioning look. “What’s wrong?” She shifted her weight from one foot to another, fingers playing with the hem of her skirt.

“I-I don’t know about this…” Chuckling, I approached her to cradle her face between my hands and deposit a kiss on those sweet lips.

“Don’t you trust me, pretty girl?” I had caught her now, we both knew it. She’d never risk disappointing or offending me, so when her mouth opened to explain herself and I raised an eyebrow in warning, it was only a matter of seconds until she closed it altogether and nodded, her eyes dropping to her feet.

“Yes, I do.” My smirk was full of victory, and I could taste it in my lips now. It was as sweet as the nectar between her legs I’d only had a taste of.

“There you go.” Approaching her once more, I settled my hands on her hips before leaning to kiss her shoulder. “Besides…” I continued, already bunching up her dress to get rid of it as quickly as possible. “You obviously need me to take care of you and this little wet hole.”

She bucked when my fingers rubbed her this time, dress already forgotten on the floor as I slowly shoved down the fabric of her underwear to join it. Once she was completely naked, I ran my digits over her cunt, verifying that her wetness was already so overwhelming that it was threatening to drip from her.

“So sweet.” I hummed once I wrapped my lips around those digits, tasting her on my tongue again. Yes, I was already obsessed. I think anyone who had the chance to try her nectar would understand my situation - but no one ever would.

She was mine now, and I would never let her go.

“C’mon, bunny.” Patting her ass, I directed her to the bed, chuckling at how embarrassed she seemed, being this exposed to my hungry gaze. “Be a good girl and spread your legs. Be my little angel, won’t you?”

I wished I could have done this somewhere more private - my own house, instead of my sister’s. But I just couldn’t wait anymore. My cock twitched inside my pants. I felt like I was drunk on this, drunk on her.

“C’mon, honey!” I repeated, lightly slapping the outside of her thigh. “I wanna fuck you. And I know you want to be mine, pretty girl. You can’t hide it from me.”

When she finally relented and slowly parted her beautiful legs for me, I nearly melted at the sight. Driven by my desire, I unbuckled my belt and worked to whip my cock out as quickly as possible, smirking at the wide, innocent eyes that settled on my member as I fisted it in preparation.

“Doesn’t it look good?” I teased, climbing on the bed to take my spot between her legs, rubbing the head of my dick against her slit. “I’m gonna have you taste it next time. But for now…”

Resting my forehead against hers, I slowly started to penetrate her tight pussy, slipping only the head at first, even though I was aching to fuck her throughly.

“This is gonna hurt a little,” I warned, not able to stop mid-way to let her adjust but keeping my invasion of her maidenhood slow until I had bottomed out inside of her. “Sh…” I tried to calm her, gently wiping away the few tears running down her soft cheeks. “I know it hurts, bunny. But you can take it, can’t you?”

She managed to nod despite her whimpers, and I brushed her tears away as I warned her, “I’m gonna make you feel so good, honey.”

It took a little while, but at last, she opened her eyes and I waited until she was able to focus them on me again. “You look so pretty, bunny…” I whispered, kissing her while I finally started to move inside of her, stopping only to moan out loud at her overwhelming tightness.

“I’m gonna train you until all you can think about is my cock,” I warned her, slowly pulling out until only the head of my cock was keeping her open.

“I can’t wait any longer.” Slamming my dick all the way in, I felt her nails running down my back, leaving trails of blood behind - trails I wouldn’t mind wearing under my shirt, sting as they might.

“I promise you, honey…” I panted, sweat already dripping from my forehead onto her pretty face. “You’re gonna miss me when I’m not inside of you.”

I kissed her cheek, rubbing my nose against it as she held me tightly against her. “I know you don’t want any of those boys you used to go to school with touching what I’ve already taken.”

She nodded quickly, my pretty little honey. Yes, she was mine already and she knew it. “It’s alright, pretty girl…” I soothed her as she started to whine, her cunt clenching deliciously around me. “It’s alright, cum with me…”

She closed her eyes when she met bliss, but I kept mine wide open so I wouldn’t miss her perfect expression of pleasure. It was almost enough to keep me hard, but I wasn’t as young as I once was.

I never pulled out of her tight heaven, keeping her body snuggled against me. I was happy that I decided to be patient, if it meant I now got to have her like this.

“I hope you know that you’re mine now, bunny.”

[penig]

"But dear Madam Mina, are you not afraid; not for yourself, but for others from yourself, after what has happened?"

Headcanon/interpretation confirmed. She is definitely pregnant and the tension in this conversation ramps up a notch with the certainty.

Mina ascends to Mother Goddesshood on October 3, which is very Victorian of her. Even Renfield worships at her altar and turns on Dracula before the end for her sake. I will leave indignant and horrified reactions to the way his death is handled by the author and the characters to others. I’m sure they’ll do a bang-up job. It occurs to me that if his round of the Tumblr Sexyman contest had come after this scene rather than before it he might have won it - which is a fairly horrible thought all it itself. But no, I’m here to talk about Mina, Our Lady of the Files.

Mina clearly thinks quite a lot during the course of the day, to come out with the “compassion for Dracula” speech at the end of it. What else had she to do? Well, begin making another copy of the journals, for one. Her foresight in making multiple copies (extremely tedious work, as those of us whose work lives began before photocopying became common office tech recall) paid off when Dracula ransacked the study and, now that they’re back down to one copy and she desperately needs something to occupy her hands and mind, making a new backup seems called for. Such an occupation would provide exactly the right state of mind for thinking the kinds of thoughts she’s been thinking and working out the points she works out, as the content of what she copies out would be so familiar as only to take up a small part of her brain, leaving the rest relatively free but focused on the topic occupying that part. Anybody who’s done this sort of attention-heavy, cerebration-light work for an extended period knows what I mean.

Presumably the alternation between journals and the small amount of overlap in this entry indicates the editing out of redundancies to make a coherent narrative, so the audience knows Mina survives long enough to edit them, which probably wouldn’t occur to anybody else on the team and would be done less seamlessly by them, if it did. It also indicates that yes, despite the emphasis on inclusiveness, Mina does judicious omitting, which strengthens the interpretation that she may have omitted small parts of Jonathan’s diary, indicating that Jonathan has already been fed on and forced to drink blood at the castle. Even if not, the hints the Count drops to Jonathan about his joining the brides in his little vampire family must be leading her to consider the possibility that a shared fate awaits them even if she doesn’t take him down in her own fall, so in putting the case for mercy to herself being extended to Dracula, she is also putting the case for extending it to Jonathan. But she’s not going to say any such thing out loud. Jonathan’s hair has already gone white overnight, and it seems likely that only the pressing need for action and the self-imposed writing therapy have held off collapse all day. It is a theory, not a fact, and one she can’t help bearing the weight of but need not impose on him.

This probably looks masochistic and far too similar to the counterproductive shutting of Mina out of council that we just got past, to many people; but it something I do regularly myself. You will, too, someday, if you haven’t yet; many disabled people live like this all the time.

When one person is having a crisis, their loved ones take care of them; when everyone is having a crisis, constant calculations must be made concerning who can bear what weight when. My husband and I both have a lot of Health Crap, and when we both feel bad we have to run a comparison study to determine which of us is presently feeling less-bad in a way relevant to the task in hand. I had to take myself out of a podiatrist boot three days early because I couldn’t manage the back stairs to the kitchen in it and my husband lost all mobility recently; but I’ve also been too unbalanced to go downstairs at all for a month and my husband took care of all downstairs business for me during that time without once complaining about his aching back and feet. Our Year from Hell - not 2020, as you might be thinking, which was comparatively a doddle, but 2005, during parts of which I was 50% of the abled members of our support network - was marked by a serious emotional and mental crisis on my part, brought on by events early in the year, and which could not be resolved without my husband’s participation as it directly related to the marriage; but my attention had to be focused entirely on the fact that my husband would die if I couldn’t take care of him properly and he was not strong enough to handle his part of the crisis. Nor could I discuss it with other people, even within our support network, until I had discussed it with him, because it concerned him so closely. So I wrapped it up tight in a knot in my chest and carried it for about six months until he was strong enough to deal. Meanwhile, I was also doing constant calculations concerning what I could do for other people in the support network and who was in a state to be given certain information or asked for what kind of help, and the other people in the support network were having to deal with emotional distress and make the same kinds of calculations concerning us, without having the information I withheld in hand!

And this is more or less the state this vampire-hunting team is in right now, except that they are all focused on one overarching major crisis in the form of Count Dracula. Which at least simplifies the calculations. No one here is operating at 100% capacity, though. Mina and Jonathan are obviously the worst hurt and most in need of protection, but everyone has seen things and done things and been helpless to stop things that are significantly traumatic. All the judgement calls, good and bad, made from here out will be made under these difficult conditions, and we may expect a bill to come due to every survivor after the end of the book.